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music

the nuances carry me somewhere else.

i’ve also been making lil songs, echoing the melodies i hear in my head.

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books

there’s been 2 books i’ve discovered this year that have astonished me, the others have been mostly mediocre poetry books.

jericho takes the reader on a journey through his mind and experiences as a gay Black man. it’s hard to think of a collection that can possibly out shine this one. exploring every corner of his self leaving no secrets behind, he put his heart and soul into this book. i wish i had a friend like him.

i was craving fiction and i’m glad i picked up this book. there’s lots of Black culture interwoven throughout it which was refreshing to see. world building, characters, how devastating the plot is.. i missed reading a fiction book that sucked me right in. still in the process of reading it (on the books app it’s 866 pages) but it’s worth it.

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video games

a peak into my minecraft forever world. relaxing and creating cute builds is a certain therapy for me. can’t wait to teach my gf how to play :)

call of duty black ops 2. i used to play this when i was 12-14 years old. this game makes me feel like a kid again. i liked my first girl on here.

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shows / anime

death and feeling hollow is the main theme for this anime. there’s parts that rubbed me the wrong way (all of it having to do with women / children) but overall it’s good.

my gf and i have been watching this + the boys. i’d say this show is better because the casting and likable characters. you have to watch these shows if you haven’t.

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zaza

420 4evr.

you were a ray of sunshine, always putting a smile on my face.

goofy jokes, quiet looks we’d exchange.

late night car rides, you playing “moon & stars” by $not over and over, saying “it’s soooo good” like it was the first time every time.

i hear it now and it’s you. it will always be you.

we had something real. an undeniable connection.

and i regret not staying in contact.

i regret not being closer to you.

we lived in different cities, but whenever you were in town, you always called me to come over to your mom’s place. always. she’s the one that named you after the baby in the movie willow.

and i came, because being around you felt right.

i think cutting off your brother created a wedge between us, and i carry that regret.

i wish i had just stayed close to you.

i remember you inviting me to family gatherings.

the way your face lit up when i walked through the door, that big grin like you were overjoyed i was there.

i remember working with you, your brother, and your dad. doing construction, drinking twisted teas, sitting around bonfires after. your dads house in the middle of nowhere, but a world of stars and the milky way above us.

those nights felt like something i’d never lose.

i always liked you more than him.

i just never said it.

we were meant to be best friends.

i’m sorry we weren’t.

it crushes me knowing how alone you felt in the end, the demons you were facing.

i’m so sorry you carried that.

you were such a good person.

you showed up for everyone. no matter what.

you gave so much of yourself, and your energy was rare.

i will always hold you in my heart.

i will always remember your laugh, your light, your presence.

i will always remember what it felt like to be around you.

i will always remember being a part of your family, even for a little while.

i will always remember you.

rest in peace, alora.

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lullaby

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you are the soft melody i hear as i fall asleep. warmth of skin against skin as we rest in complete darkness. the sound of the fan drifting me off.

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nocturnal

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we first connected in the night, and to this day we still stay up talking. midnight has become part of our love language. i remember the first time we stayed up, entranced by one another. it was after doordashing, dangerously low on gas, i parked my car outside burger king talking to you for hours.

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moonlight

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quiet light doesn’t demand attention, yet you’re a spectacle in my sky. i used to talk to the moon, now i talk to you.

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dulcet

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sweet and pleasing to the senses. being near you is dulcet, sugared berry left on my lips. whipped cream and pound cake.

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burgundy

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a deep, dark red color with strong purple undertones. your favorite color. enriched and comforting, tingling my senses. the effect you have on me is like cherry wine, a buzzing comfort resides, and over time my addiction grows hungry.

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supernova

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vast explosion of a star at the end of its life. i can’t believe you haven’t stargazed before. let’s point to them together, laying down on our backs, making up constellations for our love. i want the shooting stars to witness us sharing a kiss.

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blush

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increased blood flow to the face. one look and rosé pink pulls to my cheeks. your eyes make it impossible to hide.

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angelic

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resembling an angel. wait, are you an angel in disguise? did i stumble upon an ethereal messenger, bringing light to the shadowed parts of me?

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princess

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you are my princess and taking care of you is an honor. safety in pressing foreheads together and interlocked fingers.

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redamancy

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the act of loving someone who loves you in return. we both believed we couldn’t be loved. hopelessness. affection given to the wrong people. then we met each other… and it was like lightning across the world had struck at the same time. i didn’t know love could feel like this. being chosen too.

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vivacious

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attractively energetic and full of high spirits. people are drawn to you. your smile alone brightens a room. it’s sensational, and i feel proud to stand beside you.

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eternal

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continuing indefinitely. without end. us. til forever falls apart. i’ll always be searching, finding you, in the next life, and every life after.

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butterfly effect

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the idea that small actions can lead to massive, unforeseen outcomes. every choice, no matter how significant, led me to you. one change and we might have never met.

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i love you abi

today at work, two men coworkers sexually harassed me. they were handsy.

it felt like every time i was touched before had opened like a wound.

shaken up, unable to hold back tears, i reported them and left work early.

the walk home in the crisp air felt almost nice. but once i got home, i sat in my dark bedroom.

swallowed in dissociation.

i cannot shake off my disgust.

time and time again, i tell myself “this is the last time a man will ever touch me”.

it never is.

i tell myself “if a man does manage to touch me, im going to fuck him up”.

i never do.

in moments when a man walks all over my boundaries, all i can feel is fear.

no anger.

no logic.

just. pure. fear.

there’s only a few things that scare me so deeply i can’t think, can’t breathe.

nothing comes close to my fear of men.

as a kid i was sexualized.

sexualized by certain family, friends, teachers, men online.

as a teenager i came out as a lesbian. guys love to share their thoughts about it.

“can we have a threesome?”

“how do lesbians have sex?”

“can i watch?”

“you’re not gay.”

“that’s because you haven’t had dick before.”

groping me, comments, sexualization. it never fucking stops.

it makes me want to rip my hair out.

to claw away at my skin.

to throw and shatter the things around me.

to scream until my lungs burst.

i just want my body to feel like it’s mine.

i want to be safe.

i want men to stop.

i am haunted. haunted by constant triggers, constant remembrance of how many times they have touched me.

there’s nothing that terrifies me more than men.

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you are not alone.

the night was late, around 11:30, and i was getting ready to visit my girlfriend at the time.

back then, i lived with my mom in a small city on the edge of lake superior. it looked soft at first, quiet, harmless. but over time, it didn’t feel safe anymore. once i noticed how people moved, how they acted, the city lost its innocence.

i stepped outside.

the air was crisp and refreshing, cool against my skin. starting the walk, i noticed the streets were completely empty.

the world paused.

street lamps flickered over closed stores. zero signs of people or passing vehicles. it was eerily pretty, like a liminal space.

no one in sight.

then i noticed a man across the street. he was loud, shouting and muttering to himself. at first, it didn’t seem serious, just noise. but as i listened, i realized he was acting strangely, words not forming into anything coherent.

and then he noticed me.

that is when everything shifted.

the second his attention locked on me, i knew something was wrong. he started yelling louder. the word “pussy” now echoing the streets. talking about needing it. then he turned and walked in my direction, still across the street.

staring at me.

not looking away. not even for a second.

my heart pounds in my chest, each beat increasing by the second. i keep looking back, then forward. my air maxs hit the pavement, sneakers squeaking as i start to move faster.

then he does too.

i look back again. now he is running.

i run as hard as i possible can, eyes wide, not saying a word.

i look back and he’s crossing the street.

coming straight at me.

right in front of the police station.

no one is outside. i don’t even know how to get in. i just keep going, straight ahead, my body moving before i can even think.

panic completely takes over. i have always been a terrible runner, clumsy and low on stamina, but in that moment it does not matter. it feels like if i slightly slow down, even for a second, something irreversible will happen to me.

a block past the station, i reach a barber shop and glance behind me again.

he is right there.

maybe five feet away.

and that is when i see it. a knife, slightly tucked in his sleeve.

everything in me drops.

this is real.

i do not want to die.

the door to the barber shop opens.

a man steps out.

blunt in hand, like he is just about to smoke.

i do not even think. i just run toward him.

“help me.”

my voice shakes, breaking, barely even sounding like me.

“do you know him?” he asks.

“no. i am walking to my girlfriend’s. he started chasing me.”

he looks at him, then back at me.

“go inside. i will handle it.”

i rush in, my hands trembling. he follows behind me, sparking the blunt like it is just another night. calm.

“here,” he says, handing it to me.

i take it without thinking.

my chest is tight, my whole body shaking. i inhale, and for a second, everything slows a little. the fear is still there but i feel like i can finally breathe again.

outside, i hear yelling. him arguing with the man.

my mind keeps replaying it. how close he was.

the knife.

the look in his eyes.

what he could have done to me. what almost happened.

i start crying harder, still hitting the blunt.

the man comes back in.

“i called the cops,” he says. “but he is not leaving.”

my stomach drops again.

“he is behind the building. in the alley. i think he is waiting for you. said you know him.”

chills crawl up my spine.

i am disgusted.

even now, he will not let go.

the police eventually show up. they talk to the barber first, then come in and question me.

they ask if i knew the man.

a few times.

like i am not being heard.

like somehow this is connected to me.

it makes me even more anxious. no. i do not know him.

they ended up never finding him.

he disappears from the alley before they can get to him.

days later, they call me and say there is no surveillance. not from the stores. not from the stoplights. nothing that caught his face.

like he was never even there.

for awhile, my body still felt like it was in that moment.

like i am still running.

i keep thinking about how different that night could have gone.

if that man had not stepped outside at that exact moment

if he did not have that blunt in his hand.

if i was just a few seconds slower.

i don’t know.

i don’t want to feel that helpless again.

there is something about realizing how quickly things can turn. how one normal night, one short walk, can almost become something else entirely.

something you do not come back from.

since then, i notice everything more. every person, every sound, every shift in energy. looking behind me. always looking behind me.

a year later, i saw him again.

at a gas station.

i saw him as i came out to my car, about to leave. they were standing on the sidewalk, some guy was with him, stuff surrounding their feet. panic hit me immediately. i blurt out to my sister, “that is him. that is him.”

my sister, angry, yells out the window at him for me.

i do not. i cannot.

i just get us out of there.

as fast as i can.

i still think about that moment.

how i should have taken a picture.

something. anything.

but all i felt was fear.

and the need to leave.

i do not ever want to feel that way again.

not in my own body.

not in my own life.

i think about fear, and how it lingers long after the danger is gone.

i think about strength, and how i refuse to ever feel that helpless again.

women need to be weapons. i need to be strong. nobody will get close or touch me again.

not my body.

not in my life.

not ever again.

asleep

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you’re asleep right now.

i’ve come to realize that even when you sleep, i miss you.

still, your soft breaths entrance me,

settling my heartbeat with every exhale. reminds me of the ocean; each breath a wave and every wave pulling me in more.

i synchronize my breathing with yours on purpose, just to feel close, closing my eyes with you.

i would do whatever it takes to actually be with you right now. ones that have graced their hands upon your skin never understood how lucky they were.

nobody deserved you.

you are the lullaby of love, dripping with satin and lavender.

luscious lips sweet to the touch with warm vanilla kisses imprinted on my eyelids.

i imagine kissing the bridge of your nose, kisses everywhere on your rose water face, ensuring you have lovely dreams.

maybe like the one that we mutually shared?

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soul mate haiku III

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yet i can’t be close

the moonlight connects us

from our great distance

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soul mate haiku IV

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the moon will unite

our souls eventually

finally at peace

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peeling pomegranates

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supple and succulent, sensuous at the tips. breasts peeking over your body as a horizon, dawning warmth; plush with velvet, inviting my mouth to osculate. seducing eyes controlling every sense i own. my body is your possession. surrendered.

my addiction to you leaves me untamed.

consumed in every inch. every breath. every thought.

i want love bites trailing my body, make me remember darling, make me remember how all parts of you intoxicate me with pheromones.

make me remember how much you love me.

i’m convinced you weren’t crafted by mere mortal hands, you are immeasurably more. you are sculpted by demi gods, they were unaware your beauty would surpass everything around you.

a hunger exists in me only you can feed. malnourished for the nutrients found only in your curves, i crave fruit from your secret garden. peeling pomegranates and savoring the juice from my fingers, handpicking ripened white grapes off vines, and tending the soil, ensuring i’m nurturing you in every respect.

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hiiiii i totally exposed myself in this one AHHHH. love u guys

release that shit. i got you.

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disclaimers

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respect human rights.

you can enter in as many responses as you’d like, go for it.

i love the idea of making some posts out of your guys’ responses but i wont use your confession if you don’t want that.

if you do want to be featured, let me know on the bottom of your response. you also have the option of putting your substack if you want to be shouted out.

if the response doesn’t state on the bottom that you want to be featured, i’ll automatically assume yours is strictly anonymous.

you don’t have to sign into google to enter a response. it might show your email, but it only shows the response for me.

this is how they appear on my end.

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link below

https://forms.gle/W5bogwKd4FNL9Jz6A

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countless moments

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there’s been countless moments i’ve looked at you and said the words ‘i love you’ in my head. i almost blurt it out, and sometimes i’ve confessed while you were asleep.

it was all i could feel and think at once. sometimes you catch me, noticing the look plastered on my face. somehow, i always manage to avert your attention from the words i’m saying without speaking.

i wonder if your inner voice says it back during these fleeting glances. part of me believes you do, that we are interwoven so thoroughly, connected in divinity, through shared thought. destiny has been a part of us since the beginning; i know you feel it too.

i’ll kiss the secrets out of you.

the pure gentleness of your gaze mends wounds i rarely express. wounds i was convinced were a burden, but with one look from you, i believe love exists. it makes me want to shout for the hills, announcing my heart for you to the moss and evergreens. only mother nature could understand a love rooted beyond measure, your tender care watching over me.

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cherry blossoms

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you remind me of cherry blossoms.

the delicate silk petals tranquil with the evening sun.

strawberry stained lips,

adoration triggered in the chamber of a gun.

shoots me instantaneously,

but forever profoundly soft.

nectar in a flower,

carried up to the sky, aloft.

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everything a woman should be

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looking at you, there’s poetry written in my eyes,

snug between the blue and my pupils.

through me, the universe is looking too,

proud of the african queen that you’ve become.

coming a long way from youth,

fighting battles by your lonesome,

you stand with undeniable strength and symbolism.

everything a woman should be.

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dream state

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i had a dream last night, vivid yet fleeting. it was the first time you have appeared.

the only thing i remember, was you saying ‘i love you’. no other exchanges. just i love you. despite it being a single moment, it has by far been my most romantic encounter in my dream state. nobody has told me they loved me in a dream before. it felt right, feeling as if purity struck me as i awoke. it stuck with me, etched in the back of my brain like a quiet, beautiful confession. i feel warmth, my soul has been hugged. i thought about it all day, the weeks following that as well.

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soul mate haiku

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the moon brought us here

certain we are meant to be

binding us with light

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soul mate haiku II

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reflections of sea

our loud love lives silently

in moments like these

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archive of pieces i’ve written throughout our relationship <3 i love you abi

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(photos are not mine)

i always find myself crying too easily.

easily triggered. emotions playing games with my mind.

everything has been emotionally intense and i was uncomfortable for a long time.

i didn’t know how to stop absorbing all the energy around me. it felt like a curse how much emotions, people, and environments had a hold.

it still sometimes does.

thoughts that i’m too much, too emotional have always lingered around in my psyche. crying at tones, simple fights, unable to communicate without breaking down, made through and through of sensitivity. i took everything to heart automatically.

before i could even think, my body was already reacting with fight or flight, extremely on edge. i was functioning on anxiety more than anything else.

i felt hopeless to myself.

during stressful times, breaking down felt like my soul was on fire, catching wind and tirelessly being engulfed by flames.

all it took was having a bad influence in my life to lose my emotional regulation. people took advantage of me with or without realizing. they seem to with those who feel too much.

eventually, i stopped hanging out with anyone. staying alone, searching for my peace, learning to stay grounded.

starting over.

internally lost but i observed.

i recognized what worked for me, what didn’t, and what grounded me.

sometimes escaping, stumbling through the forest amid breakdown, helped me accidentally cope.

it felt like mother nature spoke to me.

the shades of greens, slivers of sunlight slipping through. moments of breathing.

besides mediums of art and literature, nature was the first thing i noticed putting me at ease.

it really soothed me.

each visit made me feel better. it also made me realize my emotions weren’t the enemy, i just needed to understand them.

as an adult i learned to be aware of seeing what triggers me, who makes me feel the calmest, exactly what my energy feels like to be taken from me. the specifics. learning truth through struggle, truth through experience. being aware in hindsight is what really saved me.

i want to be the best version of myself.

my guilty conscience would eat me alive if i was still running on impulse, it’s not a healthy way to live.

the less i was aware, the more i unknowingly let people and my environments destroy me.

i see and feel the world differently than others and that’s okay.

be proud to feel in a world that tells you to feel less.

the more time i spent reflecting alone, the more i realized that was true.

feeling too much isn’t a curse, it can be a blessing once i don’t let it take control.

it deepens the things that are important.

deepens love and the senses.

deepens moments that matter.

sharpens awareness.

beauty goes unnoticed without sensitivity.

used effectively, it can be what the world needs. what we need. what i need. what you need. one of the main factors that can save us and the world, is love.

it’s saved people, emotionally and literally. a sense of deep love in different forms like voice, messages, and symbolism formed the best

literature.

art.

music.

people.

nuances.

activism.

storytelling.

what is life without love?

what is a story without passion?

what is music without depth?

what is activism without empathy and the intense outrage to do it in the first place?

love and deep emotion is the key to transformation.

i’ll never take it for granted again. to feel deeply is beautiful and necessary. yes it can be exhausting but it doesn’t always have to be. there is hope.

i still cry too easily, but i’m okay with that. i love feeling how deep love can be, how deep the beauty around us is, the depths of life itself.

for most of my life i felt like feeling too much was a curse.

now i know it’s the very thing that lets me fully experience being alive.

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if you’ve ever felt like you feel too much, just remember you aren’t alone :) thank you for reading. i hope it reminds you that sensitivity can be a gift, not a curse.