I have been going up to Villa Söderåsen to paint and collaborate with musician and producer Sebastian Mullaert since the winter of 2024. But this was the first time I had connected with the forest in the summer time.

I had caught the night train up from Berlin to Malmö, then taken another train and then a bus up to Villa Söderåsen.

My plan was to use up the little energy I had left to hike into the forest with all my gear, set everything up and go back to the villa to sleep. But when I got there, the fecundity of the forest filled me with energy and I stretched my canvas onto the frame and got to drawing and painting right away.

The almond and chocolate chip cookies that my daughter made for me helped keep my energy up too.

I had identified a spot that I wanted to return to whilst walking in the forest with Sebastian a few months earlier. A little piece of flat-ish earth, beside a small stream, with a perfect tree for leaning my canvas on, deep in the forest, where I hardly saw another person over the 3 days that I was out there painting, singing, channeling the forest through my body.

On the final day, we all went kayaking together and I left glorious relief out, laying down on the forest floor, in the rain. The paint was dry enough to retain definition and still wet enough to allow for a beautiful misty collaboration with the rain.

When I returned to Berlin from Villa Söderåsen, the beautiful B&B owned and operated by Sebastian and his wife Åsa, that sits on the edge of the Söderåsen National Park, in Southern Sweden, I laid glorious relief out on the floor of my atelier, ready to be stretched onto a new frame. Above it hung the painting that I had purposely left unfinished, so I wouldn’t have to come home to an empty canvas.

My first thought upon seeing them together was –”these two are siblings”, and so the pair became glorious relief, and her moody older sister.

You can find glorious relief, and her moody older sister with more photos and more artworks from me, along with the possibility to create mockups of how they might look in your home or other spaces here.

Thanks for being here with me.

with liaif,

caitlin

I finally found a way to describe what I do that hits the mark and feels true in my bones - channeled somatic art. I open and open, allowing my body, mind and spirit to be a conduit. The less I try, the more I allow, the more I love the work. Whether I am painting, singing, dancing, chanting, speaking, composing, holding Internal Family Systems (IFS) sessions for my clients, channeling healings, holding space for sobriety support meetings with The Luckiest Club, connecting with friends, interacting with difficult neighbors, taking care of admin and life stuff – the less I intervene and the more I allow, the better it all unfolds for everyone.

hold me, let me hold you (singulart | liaif.com) is a painting that brought this clarity through for me. The clarity of truth that was here the whole time, just waiting for me to receive it. I’m sure I will forget it. Again. As I write this, I am remembering that this is only the 70,000,000th time that I have received this guidance!

The first time I heard it, I was sitting on the grass, strumming my guitar, in the botanical gardens in Sydney, Australia (where I grew up). I was 19 years old. The message came through like a voice that only I could hear, loud and clear – the harder you push, the further you push things away.

I understood the message immediately, even then. It’s about trying, hustling, striving, instead of trusting and allowing. Trusting that everything we need is available and here and all we need to do is be open to it, to listen and trust. It’s not about sitting around, doing nothing, waiting for someone to save you or sort your life out for you. It’s about following our instincts, listening to our intuition, trusting our intelligence and wisdom and the intelligence and wisdom of the world that we live in, the life that is given to us. The life force that is choosing to live through us. Trusting instead of looking outside for confirmation or approval of our choices, our worthiness, our safety.

I remember sharing the epiphany with a friend, who scoffed and rolled her eyes. She was a hustler. And I trusted her intelligence and wisdom more than I did my own. So I presumed that she was right to dismiss the message and that it was just my lazy, stupid mind, making excuses, making things up.

And yet, I have learned this lesson, over and over and over again throughout my life, ever since - the harder I have tried, the further I have pushed my life, and all that my heart desires away.

This painting (all of them really) and it’s evolution is such a great metaphor for this. Sometimes (often), I forget not to try. And I try, and try to paint, to the point of despair. Then in a state of exhaustion and fear that I’ve lost the ability to paint, I remember to stop trying, and something I love always comes through. The emergence of hold me, let me hold you was actually a continuous process of allowing (facilitated by the kind of deep surrender that only big shocks like a health scare can force us into sometimes). Allowing my fearful and desperate parts to have their say on the canvas with graphite aquarelle, and painting them into the fibres with frankincense, crystal pigments, vinyl paint and the holy water I collected from Mary Magdalene’s cave on Mount La Sainte Baume, last October. This is the first time I am sharing photos of the process.

I co-created this theta soundscape with E.K.A. Sounds and the Sanskrit mantra for the goddess Kali Ma, Hrim Krim (pronounced Hreem Kreem). I listened, chanted, sang and danced with it while I was painting.

I would love to know how this whole allowing over trying flow lands with you. If it feels aligned, allow your thoughts and feels to come through in the comments.

with liaif,

caitlin

Beautiful Body - Opening Toward the New Moon

and for 8 days (53rd birthday, 5+3=8!) all of my paintings listed on Singulart for 50% off. if you’ve had your eye on a painting on my website that you don’t see on singulart, DM me and i’ll give you the 50% discount as well.

with liaif,

caitlin

This healing meditation has been created with a delta frequency soundscape for nervous system regulation and recovery. To receive the most benefit, listen with headphones or earphones. Wear comfy clothes that you can relax in, and have a journal, a pen and some tissues nearby, just in case.

Bring your body to a safe space. Scan your surroundings and tend to anything you need, to create a felt sense of safety for you and all of your parts. For me, this often means hearing the clunk, clunk, clunk, clunk of the key turning in the huge, vertical and horizontal crossbar lock I had installed on the doors of my home. Remembering that every time you listen to what you and your parts need, and you can meet that need (so long as it is not harmful to you or anyone else), you are honoring your system, you are believing the parts of you that were hurt, and creating the lived experience in your body of safety, for all of you, one need at a time.

TW: childhood abuse, trauma, addiction, eating disorders, sexual exploitation/sex trafficking, violence, codependency.

I have not written a lot about my experiences with trauma in this space. And at this point in time, I don’t feel called to. Maybe I don’t feel able? Or maybe it’s more that I don’t want to add to the grief and straight up despair that so many of us have been experiencing. I don’t want to hide what I have survived nor do I want to come across more put together than I am, but more than anything, I want to be a part of creating something new. We need revelation, and we need healing too.

For context; I had experienced all of the 10 Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) by the time I was 12. I never had the experience of living with a safe parent or caregiver. I was never not afraid, and I’ll leave my childhood there for now.

But these ACEs set me up to have very poor mental health, and a desperately low sense of self-worth. Which drove addictive behaviors like fawning, eating disorders, drinking alcoholically, using various legal and illegal substances, and very, very deeply ingrained, anxious, codependent relational patterns. It led me into trusting dangerous situations and people. I have had my life threatened on multiple occasions.

When I was 20 years old, I survived an experience with sex trafficking. I was lucky. I was able to escape with an even younger woman through divine intervention and the help of a local man I had befriended.

I know how it feels to experience violence, how to live with the damage it causes, and how agonizing the path to and along the road of recovery really is. I know how to survive it, and I know how to alchemise it. I remember hearing a woman in long term sobriety sharing what could have been my story in a meeting and thinking, if she is possible then maybe I am too.

The revelations of systemic violence and ongoing abuse that we have been exposed to in the media over the past six to 12 months, ever increasingly, has been both extremely painful for me to witness and live alongside, and also surprisingly relieving.

Along with the grief and trauma responses evoked in my body by the all the media coverage and constant conversations about it, I have felt deep and all encompassing waves of what I can only describe as belief relief, from seeing, hearing and experiencing how many people believe that these things really happened. After a lifetime of silence and years of healing, largely in isolation, it is a relief to experience people awakening to the truth of what has been happening right under our noses, hidden in plain sight, for a very long time.

If you are a survivor, my wish is that this healing frequency reaches you, and every part of you that needs to be seen and heard, felt, acknowledged and believed. And if you know someone who is a survivor, please share this with them. I have made the audio file of the meditation downloadable, so if you know someone who needs it who does not have a substack account, feel free to download and share it. I made this for all of us, and all of our parts. I made it for me, so I get to share how love in all its frequencies flows through me, with you, and together we can alchemise the trauma; the horror; the aftermath and all the fear into love.

It was not your fault.

It is not your fault.

Your behaviours – no matter how confounding they may seem – make sense.

You make sense.

You are here.

You matter.

You have already survived;

with liaif,

caitlin

More that just to make love or represent love through art, I want my work to invite people into their own relationship and experience with love in all its frequencies. I want to light a fire of outrageous courage into the hearts of everyone who encounters my work. I want the experience to touch you, to hold you, to evoke desire and ignite mystery in your bones. To impart an unequivocal knowing that you are not alone. That there is nothing wrong with you, nothing wrong with who or what you long for. That you are made of love, made for love, that you are loved, in all your frequencies.

My paintings are made to be experienced and as much as I wish to honor their monetary value, I want them to be seen and felt and lived with even more.

I dance when I paint, I sing and drum the canvases with my brushes, making love. I mostly use an ultra matte, vinyl paint medium, graphite sticks, woody pastels, charcoal and crystal pigments to hold particular frequencies for each piece; the paintings seem to vibrate into the spaces they inhabit. I impregnate my canvases with essences, essential oils and lots of water as I am working with them. I also design sound experiences, which can include poetry and song for individual pieces and soundscapes for the space as a whole.

I am a multidisciplinary artist combining visual art, sound art, and vocal performance. Working through an intuitive and channeled creative process, I create original paintings and collaborative sound compositions that form immersive artistic environments exploring emotional transformation, embodiment, and inner experience.

follow this link to purchase even some of my largest paintings for under €1000, many for even less. Sale ends Wednesday 25th.

It could require months of emptiness and fear between finishing one painting and starting the next, before I understood what I was already doing and started to do it on purpose. The wonderful thing about painting on canvas is that it’s almost impossible to fuck it up. Happy mistakes abound when unhappy ones are easily painted over, becoming just another layer in the many layers that co-create a finished piece.

I am terrible at remembering to document my process but this time, by happy accident, I happen to have pictures of the three main incarnations of this glorian. The name, Glorians, is from the book - The Glorians by Terry Tempest Williams - that I was listening to while I was painting, over the days and final days that it came together.

The first iteration came in October 2025 after I visited the cave where Mary Magdalene is said to have lived out the final years of her life, after her exile from Jerusalem, amongst a community of Druids who protected and communed with her, on Mount La Sainte Baume, in Provence, France. Legend and a statue behind the alter in her chapel inside the cave depicting her flight, tells us that she was levitated every evening, carried into heaven by a flourish of ecstasy and angels. I loved this woody pastel, aquarelle graphite and vinyl paint painting so much, it took me months to realise that she was asking to be more. And to be less literal.

Then came this next iteration, all dragons and year of the fire horse, driven by the fantasy romance The Fourth Wing by Rebecca Yarros.

Still not feeling it, I went back in. As always, with no agenda other than to allow my body to be the conduit. And here she is, a glorian - the scene of a multitude of simple, magnificent and epic miracles.

If you would like to know more about this or any of my other paintings, or my work as a psychic and Internal Family Systems informed coach, you can reach me at liaif.com

I’ve been writing a piece, piece by piece, as I can, about how I feel around the horror that is coming to light through the contents and handling of the Epstein files. But mostly I’ve been processing my grief, massively triggered trauma recall and what I can only describe as belief relief, through making a whole snotty, shaky, song and dance and painting out of it.

Here are some pieces that have come through. You can contact me via my website liaif.com to find out more about the paintings or my work as a psychic and ifs informed coach.

water - the space between - the way it caresses every crevice of our bodies, moving through, over and around every place while gently, persistently cleansing, renewing, giving and taking away. water reflecting a fiery dusk, meeting us where we are, united with what is - a peachy pink place to swim.

i see Quan Yin - the goddess of mercy and compassion - walking through a dark and fiery place. she is safe because her capacity for compassion creates an open field where nothing and no one can harm her – she has already lived through the darkest of hellish places. she is no longer afraid.

i’ve been playing with the feeling of home, and of family, and how we can create a felt sense of home and family when we are displaced, exiled or estranged from both. this painting emerged through many layers, feels like a place that was made just for me, a place between, where i can be both human and divine, alone and embraced. an underwater forest where I can live and breath and feel myself held by the pressure and caress of water.

I too have had a most painful year, hot on the heels of an extremely stressful couple of years, preceded by two decades of living in an increasingly abusive relationship. I read and studied, meditated and yoga-ed, retreated and prayed myself into more love, more compassion, more capacity to be able to finally wake up to the situation I was in, right in time for him to leave. I thought I had been surrendering this past 12 months and I have been but my God have I been holding on too. I have been neck deep in well worn patterns of shame and blame and self recrimination, FEELING myself as the un-resolvable, forever victim all the while fighting like fuck to let that shit GO! I’ve been drowning, barely keeping my nose above water, bombarded with ever more betrayal, financial threats, a fucking cancer diagnosis and surgery, COVID and an ex who still refuses to agree to pay a minimum amount of alimony after walking away with the businesses, income, recording studio and atelier that we had built together over 20 years...

It’s not right.

It’s not fair.

It’s fucking criminal.

It’s happening.

And there is nothing that I can do about it, other than keep living it.

And keep choosing love.

Which of course sounds very corny but it’s the only rich, intelligent, expansive, real choice that I have. And just look at how much love I get to become through this. Look at how loving a man unconditionally, who could not keep his word, prepared and expanded my capacity to be love through all of this. Look at how enormously valuable, extraordinary and miraculous I get to feel because of who I experience myself to be, with and in the extremity of my situation. And the only way I am getting through any of this is by falling apart on a daily basis. Sitting on my meditation cushion groaning and heaving with grief and pain and rage. Which always clears space for wonder, for peace, for feeling held by something bigger than me.

I noticed this week, that as much as I’ve been surrendering and allowing myself to fall apart, I have still been clenching on so tight. Grasping on to positive mindset, affirmation, the moments of wonder in meditation, the moments when I feel like I know what to do next, silently begging God to send me a sign that I’m headed in the right direction, that I’m going to be okay.

And this is the definition of self inflicted suffering. To only let myself feel held when it’s obvious, when the light shines through the darkness 45 minutes into my 1 hour daily sit, and then lose it all completely when I read the next email from my ex-husbands lawyer. Or to fight the fear with positive affirmation rather than lay down my defenses and just let the fear move through and clear the path for love. How can I be love in the face of anyone else’s fear when my knee jerk reaction to my own is to shut it down, however “nicely”?

So all of this is to say, I am with you, and what a fucking grand adventure it is <3

My God, all that wonder, tenacity and fucking sweetness has served me so well. I was always headed in the right direction.

this is the first painting that came through after… it started off as a mess of marks on canvas until i started to see figures within and i just kept following lines and shapes until all these characters emerged. i painted it while listening to Boyd Varty’s voice reading his books, delivering his podcasts, everything i could find. i realized that i needed to hear to the sound of a good mans voice like i needed a roof over my head. the character on the right is Bunny Pup who, being a bunny (and a pup), now has a few brothers and sisters in the form of sculptures and stuffed toys.

At its foundation, this work is held in the framework of Internal Family Systems (IFS), which supports a gentle and respectful relationship with the different parts of our inner world, or internal family. As inner conflict softens and previously unseen patterns come into awareness, a more stable connection to your core Self begins to emerge — a state of calm presence, clarity, curiosity, courage and inner wisdom. The sound and visual art create an energetic field for the IFS framework that extends beyond the psyche, beyond the intellect, landing in the body and the spirit – the union of mystery and matter.

“…mystery and matter

arise from the same source

this source is called darkness

darkness within darkness

the gateway to all understanding.”

— Lao Tzu

Each week between our IFS sessions, I enter my studio and move into a deep, receptive state. From this space, I receive clear vision, sound, instructions, guidance, messages and vocal transmissions that I narrate, sing, record and compose with an intuitively designed binaural soundscape. These recordings are designed to support the integration of our IFS sessions, to move energy, support the body and the psyche, bring the energy body into coherence (Reiki), connect dots between previously disparate events or wounding, meet with parts that are layered deeper in the system or present through generational trauma, for example. Some weeks I am guided to create a sound experience for nervous system regulation and repair. Or deeply restful, restorative healing.

Over the course of our time together, I channel paintings as a way of giving abstract visual form to the process. The sound recordings and artworks serve as reflections of the inner work, something tangible for you to keep that continues supporting your integration at levels that reach far beyond the analytical mind, and allow shifts to unfold through the body, emotions, and your felt sense, lived experience.

People come to this work in the midst of chronic stress, unexplained symptoms, or ongoing health challenges. While this process is not medical treatment and does not replace professional healthcare, the emotional, nervous system, and energetic shifts that occur support overall wellbeing. As the system moves into greater alignment, you start to notice improvements in energy, capacity for life, clarity, physical vitality, and your relationship with your body.

Many women also come to this work carrying the impact of sexual trauma and experiences that have left them feeling isolated and lonely for themselves, disconnected from their bodies. With gentle, self paced allowing, we work through the lens of Internal Family Systems to meet the parts that hold fear, shame, rage, numbness – all protective strategies aimed at keeping us safe, that also keep us separate from the connection and intimacy that we long for.

As the felt sense experience of safety and self-compassion grows, protective patterns begin to soften. So rather than pushing toward change, the process supports a gradual return to a sense of agency, and flourishing, a renewed connection with your body, a deeper sense of self trust, and the possibility of relating to your sexual body, mind and spirit from a place of presence, of dignity, openness and joy.

You do not need to be rescued — you are not powerless.

You do not need to be fixed — you are not broken.

You do not need to be healed — only to be seen in your wholeness.

My name is Caitlin Schumacher. I am a multidisciplinary artist – painter, singer, songwriter, and sound producer/composer – a certified life coach, Internal Family Systems (IFS) trained coach, a psychic healer and Reiki practitioner. Originally from Australia, I live and create in Berlin.

You can find out more and contact me for an intro call on my website.

love like water, feels like an underwater landscape, exploring water as both a psychological and a spiritual place.

Water is both subject and method, it is the element I return to in order to feel whole, safe and alive in my body. I paint both like water and with water – with each layer of paint, I add and then wait; waiting for the moment to spray the surface, and let the water decide what stays and what gets washed away. What remains is not controlled, but allowed.

Layered tones of peach, turquoise, deep blues, greens and black move between shadow and light, evoking quiet intensity - life beneath the surface. I cry easefully, deeply, and paint as a way of opening to life - I am built close to water. When I paint, I dance with my brushes and sing love into the canvases with every stroke, allowing love to move through me as water moves through the earth.

This triptych was painted using a super matte vinyl paint, graphite pencil, and lots of water. It is an offering of love to sensitivity, and the wisdom of fluidity.

We’re moving

in the same

direction

trying not to try

willing to be

willing to be

willing to believe

that somehow

it’s enough

its got to be

It’s got to be

enough

to live

in alignment

with love

play with what’s here feels like a sunrise, somewhere between a landscape and a dream. Coral pinks flare with flashes of light, orange, and deep forest greens suggesting ridge lines, volcanic terrain, a storm gathering in the distance. Forms emerge, creating creatures, fallen angels, faces and presences that surface and disappear; optical illusions revealed through observation and connection.

The work is built through many layers of super matte vinyl paint, graphite and lots of water – building and washing away, building and washing away – allowing depth and form to develop intuitively. The matte surface absorbs light so that depth emerges from within the painting itself.

Although the moments depicting rupture suggest destruction, the overarching presence is of peace and wonder – a space where creation and destruction are not opposites, but part of the same cycle. Like the natural world, the scene here feels both fragile and fertile. This tension reflects the times we are living in: a time where many of us are living with crushing fear and yet we are also created by love, with innate and ever available potential for love in all it’s frequencies flowing through every particle of our beings.

So, rather than wait for peace in order to live peace, we can allow it to flourish within us by choosing to be with, and maybe even play with what’s here. And when crushing fear is what is here, for example, and we can choose to turn toward it within ourselves with a soft and curious gaze, we will always notice a need for our love, for our attention, emanating from within, And upon noticing, the simple, infinite capacity to give it. This simple choice to turn toward ourselves, rather than shut down or blame, opens the floodgates for compassion that transforms fear, holds us steady and makes it impossible not feel compassion for everyone else as well

This meditation was received and recorded in the same way I channel and narrate psychic healings for my clients. Accompanied by an alpha frequency soundscape, to support deep relaxation and nervous system repair, it is spoken, sung, and breathed through me as I allow myself to become a conduit – a place where humanity and divinity can meet and flow through me

into sound. My fervent wish is for this meditation to be a bridge for you to feel this connection through your body too.

The first word that sang through today was stay. I remember hearing this one word instruction from Pema Chödrön through her audio book Getting Unstuck back in the early days of trying and repeatedly failing to stop drinking alcohol and I’ve been following this instruction ever since. It may feel counterintuitive to the evolutionary path but what I understand stay to mean is to be with what is here, to turn towards what is happening within us – often in response or reaction to what is happening around us – and without thinking or judging or trying to figure anything out, to simply allow the staying with what is to support and evolve us. This is one of the many reasons I felt and still feel so drawn to Internal Family Systems, it is a structure and a model for learning how to stay.

This meditation was specifically channeled for women, but all genders and gender expansive beings are welcome to receive it too. We start with breath and move slowly through the body, pausing at the 7 main energy centers, offering affirmations that can be spoken into your body with your own inner voice. It was created in response to the pervasive fear and chronic nervous system dysregulation that so many of us are experiencing right now. The bracing, hypervigilance, persistent fear and for many of us, collapse, is making it harder and harder to be here, to discern what and who to believe, what to do next, where to go, how to feel, and there is a nagging urge for many of us to escape. This piece was created as a sanctuary, a place where you can return again and again to feel safe in your body, so you can access your innate capacities for compassion, discernment, creativity, wisdom, courage, clarity and the intuitive knowing that we need to be able to co-create a world where all of us are safe, and all of us are free. It was created as a place for all of us to find deep rest and restoration. I would love to discover how it feels for you, in the comments 💛

with liaif,

caitlin

“And there’s so much more, so many things that really hit the nail on the head as well. It’s great to have this space that I can tap into and be challenged on those particular areas. To go through and come back out into this reality, having done the exercise of confronting, feeling, managing and experiencing such connection and intimacy. It feels kind of perfect for the crossroads I feel I’m at, in terms of challenging myself to go beyond this mask of strength that I’ve had, this hyper self protection, when I’m feeling too much or when I’m feeling connection that feels too direct.”

“So I feel like this challenges that, but it’s in a way that is safe enough for me to be able to experience the connection. And then I can come out of the healing and reengage with my life, having already practiced it. And just experience the reality of direct connection and direct intimacy, and being very seen in all of that. So yeah, that’s just second time listening to it. Thank you. Thank you so much. It’s so beautiful.”

What you are listening to is a psychic healing session, channeled and recorded in my home studio, in Berlin, Germany. The soundscape you will hear uses binaural sound technology for the purposes of bringing the brain into a deeply meditative frequency. Please don’t listen whilst doing anything that requires your undivided attention. To experience the full benefit of the sonic frequencies, listen with good headphones, at a comfortable volume.

The person I am channeling this healing for was going about their day somewhere in the world, when I connected with them in the quantum field, a place we call the Field Of Wisdom (FOW). Each and every one of us is a collection of frequencies within the FOW and an inextricably integral part of consciousness - the universal web of energy, light, sound, vibration and resonance, stretching infinitely in all directions, that some of us refer to as The Universe or God etc. When I go into a healing, I begin by calling in the beings that i work with – The Crew (the podcast cover art is a picture we painted of them that I have with me in my studio) – and slowly enter a trance state, finding the person we are channeling for, through love in all it’s frequencies. We always begin the sessions with a short meditation. This helps us all integrate and connect.

liaif (love in all its frequencies) is created and produced by me, Caitlin, and The Crew.

The binaural beats soundscapes that you hear in every episode are designed and composed by E.K.A. Sounds.

If you would like to know more about our work, or apply to receive a one off healing for this podcast, you can find us at liaif.com

from love

to love

for love, in all its frequencies.

The person I am channeling this healing for was going about their day somewhere in the world, when I connected with them in the quantum field, a place we call the Field Of Wisdom (FOW). Each and every one of us is a collection of frequencies within the FOW and an inextricably integral part of consciousness - the universal web of energy, light, sound, vibration and resonance, stretching infinitely in all directions, that some of us refer to as The Universe or God etc. When I go into a healing, I begin by calling in the beings that i work with – The Crew (the podcast cover art is a picture we painted of them that I have with me in my studio) – and slowly enter a trance state, finding the person we are channeling for, through love in all it’s frequencies. We always begin the sessions with a short meditation. This helps us all integrate and connect.

If you would like to know more about our work, or apply to receive a one off healing for this podcast, you can find us at liaif.com

from love

to love

for love, in all its frequencies.

The Gold Star Diaries

Letters from Love with Caitlin (aka: liaif) w/ bonus audio reading

Hello, again…

Read more

10 months ago · Tammi Salas and caitlin

This letter from the Beloved came through over a month ago. I am often told that my presence is experienced by others as calm, steady. So some may be surprised to hear how chaotic my mind is sometimes. I considered offering a different letter from love for this contribution but, knowing how life saving it has been for me throughout my life and recovery, to know that other people, people I admire, suffer or have suffered in similar ways to the ways that I have suffered, encouraged me to let these parts be seen.

It’s a huge shift in responsibility, to accept that the world I experience is created through the filter of my perception. And I can not say that I have managed to fully incorporate this responsibility into every waking moment yet. But I remain as open and curious as I can most days, encouraging my mind to find rest in the open, unanswered questions, and allow my ravenous need-to-know parts, to find a non-judgemental space to rest within me as well.

the person i am channeling this healing for was going about their day somewhere in the world, when i connected with them in the quantum field, a place we call the Field Of Wisdom (FOW). each and every one of us is an collection of frequencies within the FOW and an inextricably integral part of consciousness - the universal web of energy, light, sound, vibration and resonance, stretching infinitely in all directions. when i go into a healing, i begin by calling in the beings that i work with, that i have affectionately named “the crew” (the podcast cover art is a picture we painted of them that I have with me in my studio) and slowly enter a trance state, finding the person we are channeling for, through love in all it’s frequencies. we always begin the sessions with a short meditation. this helps us all integrate and connect.

if you would like to know more about our work, or apply to receive a one off healing for this podcast, you can find us at liaif.com

from love

to love

for love, in all its frequencies.

listen to this post

listen to the poem as a meditation with chanting

this poem came through me during a silent meditation journey, held in a franciscan monastery at the foot of the bosnian pyramids. it came after the great undoing that most of us dread and hope for in equal measure when we embark on a quest like a silent meditation journey. our spiritual teacher, hadi beyrouti had read us a poem by the sufi poet and mystic, ibn arabi, the night before. words and rhythms of love that flowed into every broken cell of me like alchemy.

i woke up the next day, took out one of the not few contraband items i had stashed in my night stand, and these words and rhythms of love flowed through me.

it feels relevant to mention that i broke a bunch of rules during the days of silence. i did not hand over my phone. i had snacks that I rationed and ate each night before sleep. i had black tea bags, sugar and caffeine tablets. i collected my menstrual blood in a moon cup and poured it into the rich soil around a mother mary statue in the priests garden, four separate times, one time for each of the four directions. i slept during the private practice hours. i masturbated. i did all of this because i absolutely could not do or not do one more thing that did not align with what felt right for me, just because someone told me to. do so.

i bought the snacks because i am 52 years old, on the tail end of perimenopause, my period was 3 weeks late and women are not designed to fast during menstruation. the caffeine was so that i could focus on the physical pain of menstruation and meditation without the blinding headaches of caffeine withdrawal added in.

the menstrual blood was a direct ask from the crew of beings that I work with. it felt witchy and dangerous. it probably wasn’t, but i did find the doors to the garden locked one day during a break when they would usually have been open. i only had west left of the four directions so i went back during a time when people were around, the doors unlocked, and gave my blood to the earth with a prayer for the region in full color, for all the priests and nuns and meditators to see. i was not smited.

i had already decided that I would respond when my body reached towards me asking for my touch, when i signed up for the journey. i will never let anyone dictate what i am and am not allowed to do with my own body, or with my connection with pleasure ever again. engaging with pleasure is a spiritual experience for me, a reclamation of my body, my pleasure, my safety and my ecstasy as my own, and not something that anyone or anything could ever take from me. i remember one particularly deep session, when i became so overwhelmed with pleasure that i could feel the energy of it rippling and flowing out from my body and into my canvas. i laughed out loud with the realization that no one could ever take this from me. nothing and no one could ever put out this fire, contain this force.

on day one, our spiritual teacher, this pure love being in masculine form, had instructed, implored and encouraged us to open towards ourselves, and continue opening and opening to all and everything that would arise during the hours and hours of silence that we had committed to. he asked us not to pass up this opportunity to be fully with ourselves, by pretending to be or feel anything other than who and what we are, with all of our darkness and all of our light and everything in between. i took his encouragement to heart and let myself feel everything.

for the first four days, what i felt most was anger and an almost overwhelming desire to escape. i planned breakouts and clandestine meetings in my journal “on the bridge, by the river, under the full moon light”, with two friends who were also there. but these things did not align with what felt right for me, or anyone else on this journey, so i stayed. i acknowledged the anger i felt and turned towards it within me, gave it all the attention that it demanded, noticed when it was attaching to someone or something (polyester bed sheets anyone?) and gently, kindly directed it back towards myself, which was of course the true source of my anger.

hadi had counseled us not to call for love’s (god’s) attention from a place of desperation. and this time, i did not listen to his teaching. i was so far gone, too desperate for something, anything to ease the torment of my own mind. from the bottom of the abyss I had willingly jumped/fallen into, i begged love to help me, to relieve me of my need to know. before we entered the final meditation of that long night, hadi read this poem from ibn arabi

Listen, O dearly beloved!

I am the sought essence in the cosmos

I am the centre of the circle and its circumference,

I am the compound and the simple

I am the command descending between Heaven and Earth,

I have only created perceptions for you so that by them, you might perceive Me

So if you perceive Me, you perceive yourself.

But you cannot perceive Me through yourself.

It is through My Eyes that you see Me and yourself,

Through your eyes you cannot see Me.

Dearly beloved!

How often I call you and you don’t hear!

How often I show myself to you and you don’t see!

How often I’ve become fragrance and you don’t smell Me,

And tasty food, a but you don’t taste Me!

What’s with you that you don’t feel me in the things you touch?

Or sense Me in sweet scents?

Why don’t you see Me? Why don’t you hear Me?

Why? Why? Why?

For you My delights surpass all other delights,

And the pleasure I bring you surpasses all other pleasures.

For you I am lovelier to all loveliness

I am Beauty/beautiful, I am Grace/gracious

Dearly beloved!

Love Me, and not other than Me

long for me, concern yourself with me

Don’t worry about anything other than me

Hug me, Kiss me!

Where could you find union like mine?

All that you seek is in it

And I want you for you

but you, you flee from me!

Dearly beloved!

You cannot treat Me fairly,

For if you approach Me,

It is because I have approached you.

I am nearer to you than yourself,

Than your soul, than your breath.

Who among creatures

Would treat you as I do?

I am jealous of you, over you,

I don’t like to see you with others

Not even with yourself.

Be Mine, be with Me

I will be with you

as you are with Me

while you are not even aware

be for Me as you are in Me,

Though you are not even aware of it.

Dearly beloved!

Let us go toward Union.

And if we find the road

That leads to separation,

We will destroy separation.

Come! Let us go hand in hand.

Let us enter the presence of the Real.

Let It be our judge

And imprint Its seal upon our union

For ever.

From: Henri Corbin. Creative Sufism ‘Alone with the Alone: Creative Imagination in the Sufism of Ibn Arabi

and i broke into infinite shards light.

love flooded every eternal particle of my body, my soul, for endless, timeless minutes and hours of everything. each and every time i tried to understand what was happening, to know so i could have it, to hold onto it, love would gently brush my grasping aside and flood me with even more love.

then the bell rang and i went to bed, nibbled some snacks, checked my phone for my girl, looked up and read ibn arabi’s poem, saw and read the text from the honey, responded (semi-)honestly, munched some more snacks and went to sleep.

the next morning, i woke up before the gong at 4:30am and this poem came flowing through me

Prayer for All Beloveds from

The Beloved

beloved Beloved, I am here.

I am here in all

I am everything.

I am form and

I am formless.

I am every thought and every word,

only ever in service to our union.

know me in your suffering and

know me in your joy.

allow me in your cruelest thoughts,

allow me in your pain.

open the chance beloved Beloved,

feel — I’m right here.

I am your breath

and all other breaths.

more intimate than breath,

I am your soul.

I am the light in every cell.

I am your heart.

I am your heartbeat,

and the rhythm of all hearts.

I am the beginning

and the end of life.

I am the inspiration and the

substance of all matter.

I am every particle,

vibration and frequency resounding

throughout all space,

all time and all place.

throughout all realms

known, unknown and

unknowable.

I am the creator

and I am the created.

I am destruction,

and I am birth.

I am life,

and I am death.

I am your beloved, and

Beloved, I am your nemesis.

you do not need

to seek me, in order

to find me, be with me —

surrender to the truth of me

within the truth of you.

find me, waiting fervently

on the tail wind of all illusion.

relinquish all sense Beloved,

do away with rationality.

you are too wise to

fall for reason.

every heartache and hell fire,

all the rage you have ever known,

were always and only ever me,

burning all barriers between us.

do not turn away from me Beloved.

take courage, leave no dark corner

of your psyche unvisited.

no bright stone unturned.

there is no place you can go

where I am not.

feel me, find me

only ever more deeply,

the essence of all that is,

of all that ever was,

and all that

is yet to become.

the more you can feel me,

the more present and

available I can be

for you. for all.

help me beloved Beloved,

embrace me,

as I long to embrace you.

without you I am

nothing for you.

destroy all separation

with the light of your awareness.

I am within all darkness

I am within all light.

I am the union abiding within

all wrong and all right.

I am your courage, Beloved.

I am your fear.

I am love, beloved Beloved,

only ever longing

to be near and

nearer still,

Beloved

beloved Beloved

Beloved.

sometimes i need to move my body and i need to meditate, at the same time. and when i feel anxious, when i can’t seem to stop thinking and trying to solve my perceived problems with my mind, this dancing meditation reminds me that life is the dancer and I am the danced, if and when i so choose.

use good ear or headphones and have yourself a silent dance meditation experience with this one. play with doing dancing and being danced, feel the ebb and flow between your body, your mind and liaif (life/love in all its frequencies).

slow dance, release

I release fear of not being enough.

I release fear of my own power.

I release fear of being known.

I release fear of success.

I release fear of failure.

I release fear of change.

I release fear of being rejected.

I release fear of the unknown.

I release fear of my future.

I release fear of my past.

I release fear of being wrong.

I release fear of asserting myself.

I release fear of asking for help.

I release fear of feeling my emotions.

I release fear of being too much.

I release fear of being seen.

I release fear of money.

I release fear of being loved.

I release fear of losing people.

I release fear of starting anew.

I release fear of being myself.

May all that is love within me flourish.

May all that is not love fall away.

I allow all that is love within me to flourish.

I allow all that is not love within me fall away.

I allow all that is love within me to flourish.

I allow all that is not love within me to fall away.

I allow myself to perceive my life

as I wish for it to be.

perceiving all adversity as gifts

that enable me to become.

I do not bypass the fear or the pain

to get to the wisdom.

I understand that it is only through feeling fear,

that I can release it.

It is only through experiencing the pain, the sorrow, the suffering

that enables me to grow and become.

I invite my entire physical being

into this dance of becoming.

I understand that it is my body

that has carried me through this life

And that this love of dance is an essential

piece of my story.

I release fear of not being enough.

I release fear of my own power.

I release fear of being known.

I release fear of success.

I release fear of failure.

I release fear of change.

I release fear of being rejected.

I release fear of not being liked.

I release fear of the unknown.

I release fear of my future.

I release fear of my past.

I release fear of being wrong.

I release fear of asserting myself.

I release fear of asking for help.

I release fear of feeling the depth and breadth of my emotions.

I release fear of being too much.

I release fear of being misunderstood.

I release fear of being seen.

I release fear of money.

I release fear of being loved.

I release fear of letting people down.

I release fear of losing people.

I release fear of disappointment.

I release fear of starting anew.

I release fear of being myself.

I call in love from all directions.

I call in love in all its frequencies.

I call in love infinitely.

I call love into every part of me.

I call in love from all directions.

I call in love in every frequency.

I call in love infinitely.

I call love into every part of me.

I call in love from all directions.

I call in love in every frequency.

I call in love infinitely.

I call love into every part of me.

I trust myself.

I trust the evolution of my life.

I trust that I am held, guided,

and supported with every breath.

and that I need only ask myself to know.

I am

I am here.

I am

I am here.

I am

I am here.

words inspired by

piano sample from Cora Zea via epidemicsound

for more information about my work, go to liaif.com

what you are about to listen to is a psychic healing session, channeled and recorded in my home studio, in Berlin, Germany. the soundscape you will hear uses binaural sound technology for the purposes of bringing the brain into a deeply meditative frequency. please don’t listen whilst doing anything that requires your attention. and, to experience the full benefit of the sonic frequencies, listen with good headphones, at the highest comfortable volume.

the person i am channeling this healing for was going about their day somewhere in the world, when i connected with them in the quantum field, a place we call the Field Of Wisdom (FOW). each and every one of us is an collection of frequencies within the FOW and an inextricably integral part of consciousness - the universal web of energy, light, sound, vibration and resonance, stretching infinitely in all directions. when i go into a healing, i begin by calling in the beings that i work with, that i have affectionately named “the crew” (the podcast cover art is a picture we painted of them that I have with me in my studio) and slowly enter a trance state, finding the person we are channeling for, through love in all it’s frequencies. we always begin the sessions with a short meditation. this helps us all integrate and connect.

if you would like to know more about our work, or apply to receive a one off healing for this podcast, you can find us at liaif.com

from love

to love

for love, in all its frequencies.

There is much to say about Mary Magdalene and I will return her in these pages at another time. Mary Magdalene is one of the beings that I call in and connect with every day. We, and a few other crew members, are a team. If you too feel drawn to know more about Mary, the real Mary Magdalene, Meggan Watterson is the person, scholar and author to turn towards.

A few days after I suggested to Tammi that we go, I went into a psychic healing for one of my clients and I was told without any room for doubt, that I was to take this persons burdens to the mountain. I was given instructions on what was needed and how to do it. These are the moments in my work where I feel the most elated, and also the most afraid. It feels so clear, so big, so important, and “who am I?” The person I represented on the mountain does have some extraordinarily heavy burdens but, the mission was not “bring the burdens + leave them with me = specific outcome”. It’s way more mystical and miraculous than that and also, it is as normal as bread.

Tammi is the founder of a creative community that she is evolving into a co-working group called Focus Circle, of which I have been a member since the first time I visited La Sainte Baume in 2021, with my daughter. I brought SO MANY BURDENS with me that day. God, I was so afraid and so fucking brave. When I knelt before Mary to ask for her intercession, I heard her very clearly speak to me,

“Sshht!

Be quiet.

Leave your burdens on the mountain”

So I did. The psychic healing work started very soon after. More on that at another time too.

When we visited the first time, the climb up the mountain felt really hard and took a long time. When we reached the top, the other pilgrims were heavy and somber. I felt the familiar anger that I feel when I see Jesus on the cross and deepest compassion for Mother Mary, immortalised as she was in a statue, with her dead son across her lap, and Mary Magdalene mourning at her feet. I followed the line of her gaze across the vast courtyard to a burst of red upon the cliff face, a flourish of tenacious vines climbing up the hard, grey rock, turned harvest red. Her message seemed clear - live. She was telling me that her son’s life, his mission was not about spreading the bad news of suffering, atoning, sacrifice, guilt, sorrow etc. He lived his life for love. He spread the good news of kindness, compassion, generosity in all its frequencies. He transcended duality, living both fully human, and fully divine and he wanted everyone to get the chance to live this way too.

Anyway, I digress. This time, the hike up the mountain felt relatively easy and fast (the way back down was another matter - my knees!) and in the same way that a childhood home feels small when we revisit for the first time as adults, the vast courtyard had become much smaller, the cave less vast. I felt that Mary and the Mountain were showing me how much I have grown. And to make matters even more wonderful, there was a cacophony of children on mountain! And three dogs!!! There are many signs along the path requesting silence and another sign that very clearly states “no dogs”, but it seems like they must have received Mother Mary’s message about living too. One of the boys, maybe 7 or 8 years old, made a beeline for me from across the yard, came right up to my face and yelled something in French. I was obviously delighted and asked if he knew how to repeat what he had said in English. He raised his fist in the air, Joan of Arc style and yelled “let the revolution begin!”

We’re here. The revolution has begun. And it’s a revolution of peace, kindness, compassion and above all else, love. It’s a revolution of going all the way in, and co-creating the peace we wish to see in the world around us, within ourselves.

This prayer came through for us to pray over the prayers that the women had given us to bring to Mary Magdalene’s cave .

as we hold these prayers,

we hold the voices of many women

from all over the world

mothers, daughters, grandmothers, sisters,

artists, creators, lovers, friends.

tending to each written prayer,

remembering our body’s wisdom,

our heart’s courage,

and the fire of our collective souls.

these prayers carry our longings,

for peace where fear has reigned,

for truth where lies have distorted love,

and for the tender strength and courage,

to live as our truest selves.

we pray for freedom.

freedom to create, to love, to rest, to play.

freedom to speak without shrinking,

to dance in wild safety.

we pray for the capacity to receive without limits.

we ask for unity with the divine.

and unity amongst us here on earth.

we pray for the end of violence,

for the sanctuary of reverence.

we pray for joy, for wonder.

we pray for the soft fires of desire

to flicker and flourish in our bodies,

as love finds its way to every cell.

may our pleasure be our prayer.

we ask you, Mary Magdalene,

to receive our prayers

and know our names.

may we open to hear you

calling in response -

“i hear you,

i see you,

i feel you,

I know you.

you are safe,

you are whole,

you are worthy,

you are loved.”

as we gave each of the prayers to Mary in her cave we whispered,

from love,

to love,

for love.

Thank you.