but, if I stay in the house another day, I might actually go insane.

oh, the joys of being unemployed.

it’s like i’m desperately grasping at any chance of feeling like a functioning member of society.

just being able to walk down to a local cafe for a coffee, some fresh air and to make eye contact with another human.

a break from the endless scroll of outdated job listings…

because it’s not like i’m getting a reply back anyway.

days turn into weeks and somehow the calendar now marks 8 months of being unemployed with a degree and years of experience in my late 30s.

humbled.

frustrated.

with a lingering layer of relief because I can’t think of anything worse than using my precious time in this one life working at a soul-sucking 9 to 5 job.

I wasn’t born to work for someone else. to sit behind a desk.

I actually think I’m allergic to it on some level.

I’ve known it for a while, but never really figured a way out.

now, i’m lost in this inbetween trying to buy back my time from this machine I never wanted to be a part of.

so, every time I get a rejection email, get ghosted…

there’s the frustration, the grief, the shame…

but there’s also this little spark of relief that I live to see another day of not having to play the game.

growing up being sold a dream of security and climbing the corporate ladder.

until that ladder was shattered mid climb.

replaced with a slip and slide, filled with twists and turns that I have little control over.

and i’m expected to keep playing, to keep hoping, and believe that it will get better…and with a smile.

but, I don’t believe better is ahead if I’m leaving it in the hands of someone else.

and i’d rather burn it all down for a chance to own my days than to keep chasing the rat race that was rigged from the start.

until next time,

xo J

“I don’t think so, not for me...” I said my voice trailing off, an exhausted sigh following as I turned my focus out the window watching the city pass us by.

just another random Tuesday having a stranger tell me why I need to reproduce.

the reason is never a good one.

but even if there was a good reason. it’s my choice to make.

and I wish people would just accept that I don’t have or want kids.

Notice I didn’t say “yet?”

because it’s not happening.

Like never. ever, ever.

and i’ve known this since I was 13 years old.

because here’s the thing…

having children is a choice.

and I’ve been shocked to see how many women have admitted to feeling like it’s the default path instead of an actual choice.

But not having children is also a choice

(even though unfortunately, many people have had that choice made for them due to certain circumstances but right now we’re not talking about that.)

It is just wild to me that in 2026 people are still comfortable with telling me I should have kids.

that I’ll change my mind.

that I’ll never know love or fulfilment if I don’t make the same life choice as them.

simply because that’s what they find fulfilling but have we forgotten that life isn’t a cookie cutter experience?

I think it’s wild that there are also so many people still uncomfortable with women celebrating their childfree life.

“you don’t have to make it your entire personality”

“no one cares if you don’t want kids”

oh, i assure you…lots of people care. very much.

And I know this because I used to make content about my choice to be childfree for a brief period in time and the amount of hate, shame and judgement I received from other women….was enough to make me not want to talk about it as often.

It was exhausting sharing my experience and being told there is no possible way I could ACTUALLY be happy with my choice simply because it wasn’t the choice someone else would have made.

Make it make sense?

I cannot tell you how much I admire the childfree content creators who choose to continue to show up despite the BS that comes along with it.

That content makes me feel so seen in a world that was built around the idea of procreation. (and kudos to you if that’s the path you’ve gone down. genuinely)

and extra kudos to you if you were able to choose that path without judging others that choose different.

because I’ll never understand why…

it’s okay for a mother to post how much she loves waking up to her children, the Saturday mornings at the playground and movie nights snuggled on the couch with her mini me’s…

but us childfree women get shamed for saying we love embracing our life without sacrificing (even if only temporarily) our bodies, our sanity, our careers, or whatever we would be sacrificing on an individual level (because this is SUCH an individual choice) to raise another human.

it’s viewed by many as an attack on motherhood.

Instead of what it is…another woman celebrating her life choice.

and the thing I have noticed in my 30s is that while I have embraced sharing my choice openly….

while I no longer brace for impact or try to give people a response they want to hear…

I can see many woman in their 30’s still haven’t be able to do that

there have been so many times in group settings where kids come up and I can see a woman twisting her words to please others…

“yeah…maybe one day.”

“We’ll see…”

Or my personal favorite to use in my peak people pleasing era was always “I’ll probably change my mind if I met the right person” oh how people LOVE this one.

the looks of pity and the “you’ll find the right guy when you least expect it”

*insert a very exaggerated eye roll here*

deep down I was sitting there knowing damn well that my “right person” my “dream guy” definitely didn’t want kids either.

and I never really know if others actually are feeling like they can’t speak freely until I speak myself…

I lay it out plainly

“Yeah that’s not for me” or “I’m not doing that” or simply “I don’t want kids”

and then something shifts…

it’s like me openly stating my choice gives them permission to let a wall down. to speak freely. to be seen.

because the ones who do feel that way immediately chime back in with their own truth. instead of an overused socially accepted reply.

“Yeah I actually never really wanted them”

“Yeah the pressure to have them stresses me out”

“My mom has been begging me but I’ve never felt the call”

“it’s just never been appealing to me”

And it made me realize how much more I need to go first when this topic comes up. to create that space for someone to own their choice as well.

because as they say…

there’s someone out there waiting for you to go first.

and this realization became a beautiful reminder for me…

we are never the only ones benefiting from speaking our own truths.

there is a ripple effect that happens every time we choose to do so.

even if we can’t see the ripples, the effect is set in motion the minute those words leave our lips.

so, dare to speak them.

even if the words are judged. even if it’s scary. even if it hurts.

the world is aching for more truth.

xo J

But, there’s a level of grief, sadness and heaviness that came with my decision to move from Boston to Australia.

And If you’re like me, you packed up your life in less than 2 weeks, quit your job and said I’ll figure it out as I go.

No? I’m just crazy? Yeah, probably.

But, hey.. I’m still here 12 years later so, I suppose you really are exactly where you are meant to be in every moment. Or…something like that.

When people ask “OMG, what’s it like living in Australia?!”

(which is usually almost ALWAYS followed with…“It sounds so scary!”)

I never really know what to say other than…”It’s amazing and I love it.”

Because I feel like that’s what people want to hear and I truly do enjoy it. But, living overseas definitely comes with it’s challenges..

so, here’s some things I wish someone told me before I made the move across the world many moons ago..

1. You WILL Feel Alone

No matter how much you try to avoid it, no matter how many people you find yourself surrounded with. You WILL feel alone at some point during your journey living overseas. But luckily this has made me become really good at enjoying my own company + being okay with being on my own. And, that’s something I wish everyone could experience because it seriously changes the game.

2. “HOME” no longer has the same meaning

You develop a different sense of home. Your little heart is scattered in so many parts of the world. And when you go back, it’s just not the same. You change with every trip.
But so does everyone else. You grow, families grow, careers change, people move, cities transform. It’s inevitable but, I do wish I was more mentally prepared for it happening. Because it can be really emotionally taxing.

And somehow you just learn how to accept and live with it. Somehow you just roll with it because this is your life now.

This is your new norm. I have to clarify when I say the words “I’m going home.” these days. And the more places you’ve lived, the more complicated that word ‘home’ becomes. But at the same time, I do love that so many places in the world make my heart feel so full.

3. Homesickness is a REAL thing and it hurts

Feeling homesick may get easier for some as time passes but for me, it still hits pretty hard.

You miss the familiar faces, the familiar foods, the years of friendship and being so close. There are days where you’ll be walking down the street and the air will smell a certain way and the flood works will start to come.

It can be really freaking embarrassing.

But, only those who have been in similar shoes can really relate.

A memory will pop into your head (or on socials) and it will take you back to old times. It will remind you how long it’s been since you’ve heard your bestfriend’s laugh in person or rolled your eyes at your siblings sarcastic jokes.

You will miss out on things, milestones, birthdays, and sometimes even deaths.

It’s a harsh reality and I’ve been there.

It is one of the hardest things I have ever had to go through.

You might find yourself in the middle of the day wishing you could teleport to another part of the world for just one hug.

But, you can’t.

And, sometimes you don’t even know when the ‘next time’ will be. And, that can be scary AF. Having a date for my next visit seriously gets me through some tough days, I’m telling you.

And it’s not that you don’t love where you are. It’s just…you do leave a lot of things you still love just as much behind.

And, you can’t always have it all.

But, it’s the choice we’ve made…so we push through.

4. You realise that you do actually TALK FUNNY now

You’ll find out that words or sayings you thought were universal…actually aren’t and you talk REALLY freaking funny.

You find yourself going around a room asking others “have you ever heard someone say….” in hopes that you’re not alone or crazy. But, 90% of the time…you are.

And, it gets to the point where you can’t even blame people for thinking some of the things you say are weird or don’t make sense…because the more you think about the saying or word…they’re right.

It’s the things you’ve never had to think about before moving overseas that become some of the funniest topics of discussions over dinner, a beer or video chat.

And it can make you realise how big the world really is all over again.

5. Getting mail is LIFE

It’s the little things you didn’t think twice about that mean more to you than ever. Getting a postcard or a care package can literally make your entire week.

Sentimental cards. Physical pictures. Care packages with all your favorite treats from back home.

You get excited AF and you try to explain to everyone how AMAZING it all is…but no one will get as excited as you are.

Regardless of how happy for you they actually are. It just doesn’t hit the heart strings the same until you’re the one living in another country.

But, I suppose we’re all just figuring it all out as we go along.

You really can only plan so much.

And, some things are just part of making that bold choice to try something new and get outside your comfort zone.

it doesn’t change the fact that there is a real heavy grief that comes with saying goodbye to a version of yourself.

But, you freaking did it. And, a lot of people can’t say they have…and a lot of people have told me they never could.

It’s not always sunshine and rainbows. There are challenges.

There are down days. But for me, 12 years later and it’s still been worth it.

And, that’s what matters most.

I’m curious if anyone else reading this has also experience any of these, or if you have anything you’d add to the list?

until next time,

xo J

and those words have stuck with me until this day…

they just don’t sting like they used to

but it gets me thinking about what actually makes someone an ‘outdoorsy’ person?

because while I wouldn’t necessarily classify myself as an outdoorsy person…

I do love exploring new places and getting out in nature…

but I am also the girl who hates bugs and is forever cold even when the sun is beaming down on me

and despite that I have still spent years exploring the state of Victoria car camping and doing van life (without a heater, shower or being able to stand up in the vehicle I might add)

so, how do you get the chance and opportunity to become an outdoorsy person?

to see if you even like it?

if others view you based only on the things you’ve experienced in life up until this point?

because here’s the thing…

some people grew up in outdoor families.

some people had access to incredible nature spots in their backyard.

but some of us?

our introduction to exploring the outdoors was a discovery, a inkling that sparked a sliver of curiosity that we decided to follow and develop.

it came from someone (or ourselves) creating space for us to feel comfortable enough to try experiencing the outdoors in a different way.

and my experience exploring nature more has completely changed the way I view the words “outdoorsy person”

it changed the way I view enjoying nature as a whole.

and I now truly do believe and know there are so many ways and avenues to enjoy the outdoors…

and unlike others, I don’t believe they all have to look the same.

I get to be the girl who is terrified of bugs, constantly cold, not the fittest version of myself, doesn’t know the name of half the gear in an adventure store…

but who still regularly gets out in nature and explores new places.

Now, I know the chances of me becoming the girl who sleeps on the ground in just a sleeping bag under the stars is slim to none. the thought of that makes me want to squirm.

but, there is something incredible about car camping that allowed me to connect to nature in a way that I have been deeply missing and grieving since losing access to my campervan.

because while I had a cozy mini apartment on wheels to wander back to at the end of a long day of exploring…

I would still spend days outdoors, seeing wildlife, beautiful landscapes, in the fresh air and the elements from sun up to sun down.

and that’s just not something I do regularly when I am living in a house in my current routine.

Car camping made me grateful for things in a way I never experienced before…like running water, access to heat and a washing machine at your fingertips.

taking that leap to explore changed who I am in so many ways.

it challenged me in so many ways.

it pushed me to grow in so many ways.

and I know that if I had defined “outdoorsy” in such a concrete way, without making room for different versions of being outdoorsy…

I probably would have never followed that spark of curiosity years ago in the first place.

so, am I an outdoorsy person? I still don’t know, but I am planning more adventures along the way to try and find out what being outdoors in an enjoyable way looks like for me.

until next time,

xo J

and there I was feeling a sense of comfort while watching a 40 something year old woman in tears on the other side of the screen.

“I feel so lost in life”

“I thought I’d be further along by now”

“I have no idea what i’m doing”

“I look around and it feels like everyone else has their life figured out”

I sat there listening to her words and it felt like she had literally reached through the screen into my brain and picked those thoughts right out of my head.

but then, I kept scrolling…

and the algorithm did that thing it does when you watch a couple of related videos…

next thing you know your entire explore page is filled with it.

and the next thing you know, i’m scrolling through video after video of women speaking thoughts I have only spoken out loud a handful of times.

but what really struck me was the fact that this wasn’t just coming from women in their 30’s…

I was seeing it from when in their 40’s and in their 20’s

and I sat there a little pissed off if I am being honest.

because when does that feeling stop?

some might say in your 50’s or 60’s…

but, why the hell do we have to wait until we reach those ages to feel okay with our life journey?

there is this societal pressure that your life needs to look a certain way by a certain time.

and if you aren’t doing those things…you’re behind.

you’re not successful.

you must be miserable.

and I cannot stand that so many of us have internalized this.

and I am actively working towards unlearning this internalized feeling

but man, it’s so much easier said than done.

because while I know that this life is a journey…

while I know that this societal timeline is an absolute made up myth…

it still impacts me as a woman starting my life over in my 30’s.

I have chosen to live a more unconventional life.

I don’t want kids, a 9-5 and I wasn’t the girl dreaming of her wedding day since she was a kid.

I live out of a suitcase full time, I crave and value freedom, choice & flexibility.

but even if someone does crave those more traditional things in life…

I still don’t believe that this societal timeline should be shoved down our throats.

and there is so much evidence around us of people who don’t mirror this timeline.

Women not getting their big break in their career until their 40’s or 50’s.

Women chosing to have children later in life.

entire generations shifting their priorities to experiences over a deposit for a house.

and I freaking love to see it.

so, while I don’t have an answer to when this feeling stops…

or when we finally start owning our unique path as our own without stressing about it looking like everyone else’s…

truthfully? I’m not sure if it ever does stop for some of us…

But, what I do know for sure?

even if I have no idea what my next chapter is going to look like or what part of my journey lies ahead…

I would rather spend the rest of my 30’s putting my all into creating my ideal life instead of stressing over not meeting the expectations of “society”

until next time,

xo J

yeah, I’ve had one of those recently.

I sat there staring blankly at my screen after wiping some dust off the keyboard of my laptop and took a big sigh.

I just had spent the last hour or so setting up a booking calendar so that I could offer ‘coffee chats for creators’

in the moment, I was so excited, fired up.

but as I closed my laptop for the evening, I also closed the door on that dream.

“I need a bigger audience first.”

“it’s not a good time for it”

“it’s going to be too much work.”

“will I really have anything valuable to say?”

and the next thing I knew…years had passed.

because as much as I am the first person to cheer someone on as they chase their creative dreams..

as much as I am that girl who screams from the rooftop about not playing small, chasing the callings on your heart…

I realized recently that I was STILL doing it myself.

There I was years ago with this calling on my heart to create a space for creators like me..

People who are trying to build something out of nothing online.

The ones who might be second guessing themselves.

The ones who don’t feel like they have what it takes to post on youtube.

The ones who feel like they’re bad at grammar so they can’t impact someone with their writing.

The ones who have that quiet voice in the back of their head whispering hopes and dreams to them…only to get ignored.

because the minute that excitement, that tickle of a calling pops up…the fear often takes over.

“what will they think?”

“it’s too soon.”

“i’m not ready yet.”

“I need a plan”

but, the reality is that sometimes the planning, the watching 500 Youtube videos on how to begin…it’s procrastination masked as productivity.

and what I know to be true in order to create momentum and results…

you have to be willing to be a beginner.

you have to be willing to show up messy, imperfect, before you feel ready.

you have to be willing to be seen and heard.

you have to be continue to show up consistently long before anyone else chooses to show up for you.

and I have done that with so many things.

I started my own youtube channel.

I’ve been posting on instagram for over a decade.

I’ve hosted livestreams.

because I had slowly expanded my comfort zone so my capacity for showing up in certain ways had also expanded.

but there was always one side of me that I knew was screaming for more air time.

the side of me that is passionate about encouraging small creators like me.

I think that’s why I absolutely loved sharing my substack journey.

because I got to tap into that side of me. and I did it unapologetically.

and it unlocked a part of me that I had been keeping hidden for a while.

and it took me taking that first step to sharing my substack journey from zero in order for me to realize that I’ve had all these other callings on my heart that I’ve just completely ignored.

and when that realization slapped me in the face like a ton of bricks, I knew it was time to once again, practice what I am always preaching.

because here’s the thing, just because you’ve grown in a certain area, or got better at something…doesn’t mean you won’t still have blind spots, limiting beliefs, imposter syndrome that creeps in. and often in a very sneaky way.

I’m done waiting until I feel ready for this.

I’m done worry about if it will be ‘successful’ or if people will judge me

all I know is that this calling, years later, is STILL on my heart.

and it is there for a reason.

it was given to me for a reason.

and that’s exactly why I need to chase it.

I am done sitting on the sidelines watching others do the thing I want to doing.

are you?

I really don’t know who needed to hear this.

I don’t know if you are reading this right now feeling a little called out…

but if I can leave you with anything today, I want to remind you (and myself) that everything you want for yourself is on the other side of fear.

so, get out there and feel the fear and do the damn thing anyway.

i’m rooting for you, friend.

xo J

PS. keep your eyes peeled for more info on my ‘creator coffee chats’ & editing support for small creators. 👀

I walked away from a 6 year relationship.

My world flipped upside down.

I was scrambling to rebuild my entire future and foundation in a matter of months and right as I was starting to feel like I was finding my footing… I lost a parent.

Talk about a gut punch.

There was one thing that helped me keep my sanity in that season though…and that was being creative.

In whatever medium I felt called to.

And here I am… not exactly on the other side of that life altering year, but far enough from it to breathe a little. It’s not as fresh.

And I’m just really grateful that I made the decision to lean into my creativity and document that year on multiple levels.

One of those being my Substack journey: starting from scratch, with zero subscribers.

The truth is, I didn’t know where this series was going when I started it. I just felt called to share.

And I don’t know about you, but there is something so captivating to me about someone who throws themselves into the creative process.

Messy. Imperfect. Unfiltered.

They make mistakes. They figure it out as they go. They actually just let themselves create without talking themselves out of it.

Because when we think about a great piece of art, we don’t usually think about the years it took to get there.

The trial and error, or the self-doubt.

or all those moments where if felt like nothing was clicking.

We just see the finished piece. The masterpiece.

And of course the end result can be beautiful and impactful…

But why is it so hard for some of us to see the process in the same light?

Especially when it’s our own.

Over the years, I’ve been trying to get better at embracing that process. Showing up for the things I want before the results are there. Letting it be imperfect.

Because at the end of the day, I didn’t know if my “nothing” would turn into something.

But I knew I wanted to do it.

I knew it brought me joy.

So I followed that.

Last year challenged me in ways I’m still trying to put into words (more on that soon), but it also led me back to writing.

And for that, I’m really grateful.

I did take a break from Substack after my dad passed. Life needed me elsewhere for a while.

But being back here… it feels good.

And the fact that there are people reading my words… it still feels wild to me.

So, if you’re here, reading this…

Thank you.

Thank you for witnessing me in my creative chaos as I follow the callings on my heart.

And if you want to watch the final video from my “1 Year on Substack” series…

I shared it all the numbers, what worked, what didn’t, and my mindset along the way.

Here it is.

Until next time,

xo J

Recycled Amazon boxes filled with memories from the last 6 years of my life were scattered across the room, waiting to be sealed shut with a fresh strip of boxing tape.

Here I am again…rebuilding my life alone, on the other side of the world.

But as I stood there, surrounded by the remnants of what used to be, something shifted in me.

This story needs to be told.

My story needs to be told.

Someone needs to see me in this.

And then, just as quickly, I brushed the thought away, reaching for another item for the donation pile.

“I can’t be that person ugly crying on the internet... that never ends well,” I thought, staring out the window of my beachside apartment, waves crashing off in the distance.

The idea made me cringe…but I knew deep down, I was going to do it anyway.

Because why are we normalizing suffering in silence when this experience is so common?

Why am I expected to stay quiet?

To be the bigger person?

To make sure I share my story in a way that doesn’t ruffle feathers or make anyone else look bad?

All I knew in that moment was this:

The video I was about to film? It was the exact video I had been searching for when everything fell apart.

I wanted to see myself in someone else.

I wanted to know I wasn’t alone.

I needed a sliver of hope that this pain would eventually pass.

Keep the peace.

Forgive and forget.

Don’t air your dirty laundry.

Don’t rock the boat.

These messages?

They’re not sitting well with me anymore.

So instead...

I’m choosing to heal loudly.

I’m choosing to share boldly.

I’m choosing not to move on quietly.

the moving boxes are gone, the intense pain has become a dull ache.

but the truth? i’m still piecing myself back together.

Not quietly. Not perfectly. But honestly.

I’ve shared one of my most vulnerable series on the internet.

And if even one person has felt less alone because I chose to share this journey, then it’s been worth it.

People say you shouldn’t share this stuff. That it’s distasteful.

But I think the real problem is that we’ve normalized silence over truth.

We’re taught to grieve behind closed doors so no one else feels uncomfortable.

Because who does that silence actually serve?

So, let’s normalize the grief.

the rage.

the betrayal.

the boundaries.

starting over at any age

let’s normalize calling out shitty behavior without moving on quietly.

and stop pretending we’re okay just because it makes other people more comfortable.

If you’ve ever watered down your truth to be more digestible…

if you’ve ever been told to stay quiet, keep the peace or forgive and move on quickly…

This is your reminder that you get to choose to feel loudly, too.

To be seen in your mess.

To share your truth without softening the edges.

so let them call it airing our dirty laundry.

let them say it’s oversharing

let them tell us it should stay private

let them call it what they want.

but I call it freedom.

watch my starting over series on youtube to come along on my real, raw, vulnerable journey:

and If this speaks to you, hit reply because I’d love to hear your story. <3

xo J

I spend my days walking around with a heavy-ness that sits on my chest…

on the verge of tears.

My whole world has been shattered.

My reality upturned.

But, deep down I know I did what’s best for me.

I know this was not what I wanted,

and staying would never evolve into the reality I dreamed of.

There is so much hope and relief attached to my decision to walk away.

And yet…I’m broken.

And yet, I don’t want to leave the house, or catch up with friends.

What is this feeling?

What am I greiving?

Am I consumed in uncertainty?

is this what overwhelm really looks like?

Or is it just coming to terms with my whole life being uprooted overnight?

choas and confusion

i’ve been hoodwinked, blindsided

a puppet in your master plan of deciet

the shock

the anger

the questions that now need answers

they’re swallowing me whole

while I try to come up for air

how dare you.

i’m not surprised.

did you even care?

was it worth it?

did i ever really know you?

‘round and round we go with pointless words and questions

put it to rest

it doesn’t really matter

the end has come

so here I’ll sit

in choas and confusion

it’s all i know

you hear it in pop culture, in movies, TV shows, in the music we listen to.

But, I always thought it was reserved for the friend you have when you were in kindergarden…

the one that you naturally grew apart from as you got older, or families moved locations.

I never really put too much thought into Friendships ending as an adult.

What it would feel like…

or how it would play out

or how it could impact my future friendships.

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I’ve naturally grown apart from people I was once very close with.

We just went down different paths.

Often friendship blossoms because of location.

You’re in class together, you work together

you volunteer at the same spot, hang with the same crowd.

There is something linking you together.

So when that something is removed from the equation often the friendship naturally just comes to its own end.

without an argument or big event.

just a natural fading of a bond that felt really strong at one point.

and we go off down our new path to form new connectins with a new something that links you with a fresh new group of people.

but sometimes there’s friendships that will last regardless of the “something” linking you together.

they are the friendships you hear people describe with words like “has stood the test of time”

“we always pick up where we left off”

“doesn’t require constant contact to stay strong”

and i’ve been lucky enough to have friendships where I, too, have used words like this to describe.

but I’ve also learned a powerful lesson in my 30’s that I didn’t expect

The length of a friendship doesn’t equate to the quality of the friendship.

And this became hugely apparent to me when I made the choice to walk away from a 15 year friendship.

I felt completely disrespected by someone I called a best friend. At a really hard point in my life when I was already going through a huge life transition.

And I no longer felt like the friendship was aligned with where I was headed.

And when I made that decision, it made me look back on the friendship and it made me think about how I felt throughout the friendship.

and there was a lot of moments where I didn’t feel good, or supported, or valued.

And to be completely honest — the other person felt similarly.

so clearly, something wasn’t right here. And maybe we both needed to go our own seperate ways to grow and do our own soul searching…one may never know.

But when someone tells you that you make them feel like shit, and you feel the exact same way about that person — it’s a good sign that the current way things are existing isn’t working.

and I thought about WHY I had stayed friends with someone that made me feel this way for so many years. Or why they would want to stay friends with me if they felt the same?

but I just don’t think friendship breakups are really normalized.

At least not like romantic ones are.

And I think I got caught up in just going through the motions.

because we had known each other for so long,

grew up together in a big sense, our families knew each other.

The thought of walking away from someone who had been in my life for that long just hadn’t even crossed my mind as an option.

And I don’t think I’m alone in that feeling.

which is often subconscious.

(Well it was for me anyway.)

It made me think of all the other areas in life we can just be going through the motions.

Doing the things we’ve always done, just because we’ve always done them…

without stopping to ask — is this still aligned with who I am today? is this still the path that feels good to me?

and ever since I made that decision to walk away from that friendship and others since then — each time it’s been a reminder for me of what it looks like to set boundaries for myself.

It has been a grieving process for sure, but I felt lighter.

And I created room for peace, and for people who are aligned with where I am.

People who make me feel valued. And who feel valued by me.

And I’ve walked away from more friendships since that initial one

but it didn’t take me 15 years the next time around…

and I learned that friendship breakups don’t have to be this loud exchange of angry words but they can be more of a calm knowing and stating of my boundaries, needs and desires.

It’s more of a firm ‘I don’t like how I feel in this friendship and if we cannot find a solution I just don’t think I can continue putting my energy into it.’

but that’s not all I learned…

Things I’ve Learned from Friendship Breakups in my 30’s

• you can end a friendship and still want the best for someone

• you can walk away from a friendship for valid reasons and someone might still call you the villian

• grief isn’t exclusive to romantic relationships, friendship break ups have their own type of grief

• feeling let down or betrayed by a friend can hurt more than a romantic partner

• letting go of who and what isn’t for you is allowing you to make room for what is…even if it takes longer than you want it to

now I’m throwing it over to you because i’m curious…

have you had a friendship breakup before? how has it shaped you or what was something you learned from it?

i’d love to hear it below as I don’t think this topic is reserved for your 30’s.

until next time,

J xo

Jumping on a train to somewhere new, without a clue what the day will throw at me.

It fills me with joy, excitement and it’s one thing in my life that truly makes me feel alive and present.

But in the last few years I started to roll my eyes thinking about having to take public transportation somewhere ( i blame having access to a car for the last 6 years for that. )

Because the truth is….

I used to love traveling by train or coach when I lived in the states when I didn’t have a car.

So, in many ways, losing access to my campervan has been a blessing in disguise.

It’s reconnected me to something I forgot I loved.

Because I am willing to sit on an airplane to travel anywhere in the world…

If I had to jump on a train then coach bus to get around Europe, I wouldn’t blink an eye…

but, I was now rolling my eyes at the thought of taking a train and connecting bus somewhere simply because it’s where I call home.

Make it make sense?!

I’m learning to embrace it again…and it’s not taking much effort.

I’m loving being in my Day Trip Era

So much so I dropped a free guide with some Day Trip spots in Victoria by Public Transportation and incase you live locally and are feeling inspired. check it out here.

What I love is that you can curate them to suit your personality, pick and choose destinations that have the things you love and for me it includes some of the following:

• Cute & Cozy Cafes (i love a cozy cafe moment people watching, journaling or reading with a delicious drink in hand)

• Nature Trails or Scenic View Points (Get some steps and snaps in for the ‘gram, and protentional wildlife encounters always a bonus)

• Op Shops/Thrift Shops (I have picked destinations solely on this one before, TBH)

• Candy Stores (because I’m a kid at heart with a gummy bear obsession)

• Picnic Spot or Lunch Spot (bonus if it has BBQ’s, toilets & water refill stations)

• Quirky Unique Spots (vintage stores, something the town is famous for, big history moment)

• Mexican Restaurant or Taco Joint

these are just some of the things I look for when designing my ideal day trips. I’d love to know what you would add to this list, I would love some inspiration because I am always planning the next trip!

PS. If you want to tag along with my day trip adventures…head on over to check them out on my YouTube channel here.

Until next time,

J xo

“can we pleaasseee go somewhere else?” I said turning to my friend who was attempting to make conversation with a couple of people by the bar.

this all felt so mundaneee.

we were out at yet another meetup event.

events that our small group of girls seemed to frequent regularly.

it was meant to be one of those social networking ‘after work drinks’ to make new friends…but, what happens when the same people show up to 90% of them?

well, you just end up knowing everyone.

and i’ll be honest — there’s definitely comfort in that but this night…I just felt over it.

“I’m getting another drink.” my friend said as she tried making eye contact with the only bartender in this small but packed venue.

‘here we go again’ I thought to myself.

you see, I had this group of friends that believed we all should move in a unit as one.

So, when I, the sassy bostonian who had fully stepped into her single life after only a few months out of a really toxic, devastating and straight up traumatic breakup, would make decisions based on what I wanted to do, not what the group wanted to do, it was highly frowned upon and looked at as selfish.

But tonight I didn’t care.

Am I really supposed to stand around in this bar talking about the typical Melbourne weather for the next hour until they were ready to move on? I don’t think so.

The couple of drinks I had during happy hour were setting in and I was ready for some good music and a dancefloor. So, I left…

I thought they’d eventually meet up with me,

we’d dance until our feet got sore

and then we’d grab a kebab before all jumping in our respective ubers, or for me, walking to my apartment on the other side of the city.

But, they never did end up coming to meet me that night.

And I never could have predicted the events that unfolded after I walked out of that door…but, I know now, after all these years…it was a night to remember.

so, off I went solo to the one bar I knew that had cheap drinks and played some good old school 00’s R&B…

this kind of music was rare for me to find back then in Melbourne.

All those songs that me and my bestfriends back home would listen to on the way to the mall,

or at school dances growing up — a lot of my aussie friends just didn’t grow up listening to a lot of them.

Unless it was on the top 40 hits, of course.

And you know, present day me still thinks what a badass move that was.

Friday night in the city, just completely dipping on your friends to go find somewhere to dance.

Just because you could.

Oh, to be that bold and free spirited again. One day.

but when I walked into the bar I was a little disappointed to see what was in front of me.

an empty dance floor and about 5 people in the venue.

‘Damn, i’m too early’ I thought as I proceeded to the bar.

I mean, I might as well take advantage of the tail end of their drink specials while I’m here.

None of this was a real surprise,

this place was known for being a spot you’d go to after all the other bars closed for the night,

it’s one of the places where you end a long night, not where you head before 9pm.

But, I stayed.

They started playing some good tunes, I had a cheap drink in my hand and I saw a small group of girls enter the dancefloor.

One of them had a pink sash across her chest, with shiny gold letters that read ‘birthday girl’.

I quickly realized they had a birthday pre-game session by the slurring of their words and the squeals of laughter that were coming from their little group.

So, naturally…I walked over, feeling a little shy but hopeful, to say happy birthday.

They were having the best time.

They wanted to dance.

It seemed like all of my problems were solved.

Until they weren’t…

There we were, a group of about 7 of us

singing, dancing, laughing all together like I had knew them for years

and then the DJ started playing a classic jam and I lost my shit.

Fill Me In by Craig David.

“OMG, I loveee this song!” I squealed excitedly as the DJ transitioned the intro.

And then I was met with blank stares.

“What is it?” One girl laughed.

“I’ve never heard it before!” said another.

And just like that…I was slapped back to reality.

I knew they were out for a birthday celebration but I never thought to asked a very important question.

“How old are you guys!?” I said in a shocked voice completely taken back by the fact they had never heard this absolute banger.

“I just turned 19!” she said and before she could say another word my jaw dropped.

“Omg, I’m SO old.” I wallowed into my drink. I somewhow slipped my mind that I was in Australia where the drinking age is 18.

They all comforted me with hugs.

“Omg, no you’re not! I thought you were our age!” one girl said in an attempt to make me feel better.

“I’m 30!” I said. “You really don’t look it.” another chimed in.

I couldn’t even take the compliment because I instantly just felt SO out of place.

Don’t get me wrong, they were lovely but the only thought running through my head at the time was… ‘I need to get the fuck away from these children.’

Once the song ended, it was time for my big escape…to the bar.

On my way over another girl caught my eye.

‘she seems friendly’ I thought.

Maybe this was desperation creeping in.

A reach for some sort of normal social interaction that didn’t make me feel like a dinosaur.

I smiled and went to grab my drink.

She knew the songs, she was singing along, ‘surely she’s my age’

I somehow managed the courage to start a conversation and before I knew it Ellie and I clicked very quickly.

she was telling me about her travels visiting Australia and it was one of those Did I just meet my new bestie? kind of moments.

And for me, those don’t come often.

“I can’t believe they didn’t know the song!” she laughed, her british accent coming off strong as I caught her up on the situation I just escaped from.

“I know, i’m still shocked.” I chuckled to her as a guy walked over and handed her a drink.

“This is my partner, Josh.” she introduced, I greeted him and then moments later someone else joined us.

“And this is Jason.” I smiled and waved. “Hey!” and naturally kept chatting girl talk with Ellie.

Before I knew it a few more people had sprinkled into the venue and we were finishing our another round of drinks.

“Alright well…Josh and I are going to head off.” Ellie announced what felt like out of nowhere.

“What?! c’mon you guys just got here!”

To be honest — it was a good call, her boyfriend had a few too many and it was showing and I think the bouncer was in the middle of trying to kick him out anyway.

But, I couldn’t help but think there was something more going on.

I mean, surely Jason would just go with his friends…right?

“He’s a good guy.” Ellie then said to me nodding over to Jason while grabbing Josh’s arm to help him stand straight.

And then I realized the obvious, they were trying to give us some alone time.

The panic instantly set in as I tried to figure out a new escape plan.

‘Omg, this can’t be happening.’

Listen, I will say this though - It’s not that I thought Jason was ugly or anything.

But, as I hinted to before…I was in my single girl era.

off the back of a traumatic relationship.

Boys were NOT on my radar.

I wasn’t interested in someone being interested in me.

Especially not someone who was here passing through on a trip with some friends.

it was giving major ‘fuck boy energy’ and I couldn’t think of anything worse than being left with this complete stranger who was probably just wanting to have some fun for the night while he was in town.

And fair enough, do your thing.

This is your one life, the mom’s spaghetti, live it up.

But keep me out of the fuckery, respectfully.

And, just like that they left.

Little did I know, they only went to the irish pub around the corner but there I stood across from this complete stranger.

We made some small talk before he got a text message. “Come to the pub next door with us.” he said to me with a grin as he looked up from his phone.

”Nah, I’m going to stay here and wait til it gets busy. Have fun though.” I declined, sipping on my drink.

and what he did next shocked me, he grabbed my hand and asked again.

“C’monnn.” he pleaded. I couldn’t help but grin back.

He’s got charisma I’ll give him that.

“We can always come back later.” he added.

first of all, what’s with this ‘we’ energy? I thought to myself while putting my drink down.

next thing I know I’m making my way to the bar of a packed irish pub.

The boys grabbed a couple of Guiness. and coincidently Ellie and I also had the same drink.

How cute of us, sitting here like we’re all coupled up I thought to myself mockingly. I hated it.

But, I also could have walked away at any moment and yet I chose to stay. Interesting.

“That’s soo gross.” I said scrunching my face up watching him sip on his Guiness.

The thought of drinking a heavy dark, thick and extremely frothy beer just grosses me out, and I made it known.

I feel like you either love a Guiness or you hate it. Well, now you know where I stand.

“Try it.” he laughed. I refused.

and next thing we know Josh could barely stand up.

“I’ve got to get him back to the room.” Ellie said trying to hold him up.

And off they went to leave Jason and I alone at the bar. again.

As we chatted, flirted and laughed my mind was racing in the background.

kind of like a computer system that is trying to keep up with you opening 10 tabs at once while you go down the rabbit hole of your newest fixation.

Why did they have to leave? Fuck, he actually seems like an alright guy.

What the fuck am I doing here. Men are so full of it. Am I blushing?

I’m not going home with this guy.

So, I don’t know what he’s trying at right now but it’s not happening.

He’s funny. hes wasting his time. Gosh, that smile. Who the fuck am I right now?

“I’m going back to see what the dancefloor is like.” I mentioned thinking this would be my moment to part ways. “Okay, I’ll come.” he chimmed in.

Omg, i’m never getting rid of this guy.

but oddly, I wasn’t really trying to get rid of him...

I just wasn’t ready to go home and again, dancefloor.

the night was still young, afterall.

so, back we went and the venue was filled, strobe lights galore, music had been turned up a few decibles.

now this feels like a vibe…I thought to myself grinning as I headed onto the dancefloor moving to the music.

and I would have neverrrr guessed what came next.

this british boy had movesss.

and he wasn’t afraid to show them off.

I don’t know if it’s just my experience but Aussie boys…or the ones I stumbled across in my time, they haven’t been big (or good) dancers.

Now, the Māori boys i’ve seen at this place - that’s another story.

But this guy…he could get down with some dance moves.

we danced, and danced, and laughed and there was a point in the night where it felt like we were the only ones in the room. and then it happened…

he grabbed me and before I knew it, I was in the fucking air.

He had lifted me up in this very impressive move while we were dancing and in that moment, I was floored.

what is actually happening right now? and why am i loving every minute of it?

I was having the best time.

and I hated admitting that to myself.

I was supposed to be this hardass single girl that doesn’t want anything to do with men yet here I am interally turning into a puddle in this guys arms in the middle of a sweaty dance floor.

it freaked me out.

I had just started the healing process to mend my heartbreak from my last relationship.

this is all happening way too soon.

As the night came to it’s natural end I made a 3rd attempt to say bye to Jason.

“Alright, well it’s been really fun. I’m exhausted. I’m gonna head home…” I started.

“how are you getting home?” he asked. “Oh, I’m just walking there it’s only a few blocks away.” I replied.

“I’ll walk you.” he stated.

I just looked at him.

he wasn’t going down without a fight. and I respected the fuck out of that in some weird way.

I suggested that I should walk him home since I knew my way around the city, the back and forth exchange of who walks who home went on for a few minutes and in the end…I caved.

so there we were walking down the city streets…

the sky was dark and cloudy, there was a light mist starting to fall as we turned a corner down a side street.

am i in a fucking movie? what the fuck is actually happening tonight?

I’m not going to lie, the chemistry was off the charts.

and I was spiraling at the realization.

this is too much, too soon. I can’t handle it.

now my memory gets a little extra cloudy at this point…all these years later as I recall the details of the night

but I remember a moment where we had stopped walking, the rain had started to come down slightly harder.

It was like one of those scenes in the movie where the guy offers you his jacket.

we stopped walking, his arms were around me, while we leaned against the brick wall of some random building.

(there also may have been an incident with making out in the rain and losing my nose ring that I would have to deal with the next day…but again — my memory is cloudy)

We exchanged numbers at some point and I can’t for the life of me remember what else was said in this moment, but I know one thing for sure, I’ll never forget how I felt.

conflicted, terrified, impressed, intrigued, swooned and all too consumed in whatever this was.

I wanted to run, disappear and stay in this moment forever all at once.

he walked me the rest of the way home.

As we approached the laneway that lead to my apartment entrance the end to the night that I could have never predicted had arrived.

“well, this is me.” I started. “and no…you’re not coming up.” I added giving him a little grin.

here we go I thought, bracing for some resistance.

but it never really came.

he wanted to see me again before he left the country.

and deep down I knew I wanted to see him as well.

but i’d never admit that, of course.

I had to play it cool.

i’m the hardass who wants nothing to do with men, remember?

So, I watched him start to walk away while standing there in awe trying to play it cool.

did all of that really just happen? I thought as I held my key up to the door.

I didn’t know if I would ever see Jason again.

But what I knew for sure was that this night would live in my head rent free for a very, very, long time.

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drop me a comment and let me know your thoughts on this short story

that little rectangle box with the words “buy now” staring back at me.

"I know this is ridiculous.” I said outloud as I sat there anxiously about to book my first solo international flight in 6 years.

(which I documented on my youtube channel)

Sure, I’ve done this before. I mean I’m the girl that moved across the world at 25 after only being on a plane for the first time a few months prior.

I’m the girl who spent her late teens driving along the north east coast going to concerts in her free time. I was not a stranger to exploring on my own.

But…fast forward about a decade and a half and… I got comfortable.

I got used to traveling with someone. I got used to having someone to navigate the rollercoaster of logistics that come with an international travel day.

and the idea of traveling alone, in this moment, felt terrifying.

And maybe you’re like me and you’ve had someone to travel with for the last 6 years.

But now….by circumstance or choice…you’re feeling the pull to do some exploring on your own.

I honestly was feeling this call while in a relationship just for a sense of independence (which I do think is so important when you’re in a long term relationship.)

But I know first hand that it can feel overwhelming jumping back into solo exploring.

Because there is usually so many moving parts when traveling.

and when you’ve got someone to bounce logistics off of,

or when the unexpected things pop up,

or to just lighten the mental load,

or to eat crappy airport food on the floor when your flight is delayed— it can help.

and it’s a little less daunting than feeling like “it’s all on me to figure this out”

but, I also think that is what makes solo travel feel so empowering.

It’s bittersweet.

for me — I got thrown in the deep end and had to do an international trip by myself not by choice.

and I was a anxious mess leading up to it.

On top of it all…I also get really bad ear pain while flying. (I’m talking crying, in tears gripping my head for dear life because it feels like it’s going to explode)

and well…that’s always easier to go through when you’re sitting next to someone you know and not a complete stranger.

So, it was an added layer of stress to the entire situation.

I got through it… it was the worst flight of my life but I got through it.

but I think what would have made me feel a lot more at ease was if I took baby steps into solo travel…doing the little day trips I’m doing these days.

It’s still all on me to figure out logistics

Things still will naturally go wrong.

But, on a much smaller scale.

It’s such a great way to build up your confidence, while getting in some fun little adventures along the way.

all while being in bed by 9pm (yeah, i’m a millenial who values sleep, sue me)

not to mention it’s a lot more practical and affordable to do it this way.

look at it as a test drive

working out the kinks

figuring out how you like to explore

a trial run for your gear to support your adventures (i’ll have a whole list coming on what I love to bring on my day trips coming soon)

It just takes the edge off a little and allows your brain to see it’s not as scary as it might be trying to convince you it is.

So, let this be your reminder: you are more capable than you know.

and who knows? you just might develop a day trip obsession like I have right now.

adventure awaits my friend.

until next time,

J xo

PS. If you’re in Melbourne or plan to visit - grab my free day trip guide (click here) for some day trip inspiration!

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chest heavy as I take in every part of you that I’ve grown to know so intimately.

I feel your heartbeat so close to mine knowing this feeling may be our last.

and as you hold me close tears roll down my face.

because the knowing, the knowing always lingers like a dark cloud swooping in on a sunny day to ruin your plans.

the knowing that ‘what was’ can never be ‘what is.’

and it’s a cruel thing feeling so close and connected to someone while they are simultaneously slipping through your fingers like sand at the beach

making their way to become just another a memory of your past.

mourning the loss of what was to be.

of knowing time will pass anyway. and the future I poured my love and energy into does not exist.

so I say goodbye to the dreams of tomorrow.

goodbye to the hope of knowing the 40 year old version of you, the 50, or 60 year old I thought I’d grow old with.

a version of you I will never get the chance to meet.

one day we’ll blink and 20 years will have passed. and this time in our lives will be spoken about like an old wound that’s left a scar.

the type of scar that will heal just enough that you can barely see it, unless the light hits it a certain way.

you almost forget it there. but it’s there. it happened.

but the pain has faded. the lessons have been learned.

you and I. a distant memory. a moment in time.

now I face my reality.

It’s time for farewell to what was & what could never be.