Being able to grind and take out a lot of frustration on the elliptical is also helping, too. My fear of losing fitness or feeling like I am not doing enough, which definitely would have been concerns flooding my head in the past, is pretty much nonexistent at the moment, so there is another positive, I guess. I have been pretty much doing a double workout of some kind every single day since the pain first started, and they are not easy workouts; I am fully soaked in sweat after every single one. But like I said last week, I refuse to let this time away from running set me back from any of my goals that I have this season. It has been proven time and time again by so many amazing athletes that you can stay plenty fit while cross-training; you just have to put in the work. As the great Parker Valby once said, “The heart is just a muscle; it doesn’t know the difference.”

A part of me has to stay grateful because I am very lucky with how lax my schedule is, so I don’t have extra stress adding to this situation. I really can make my day look however I want, and lately that has meant just filling it with as many positive things as possible that make me happy. As I said, I may not be in the best place, but I do believe I am handling this all so much better than past Ange would have, and that is growth that cannot be ignored. From a fueling standpoint, I have been on my A-game, and if anything, it has increased even more since the pain first started. The old me would have used this as a perfect excuse to fuel less, but as I said, I am doing more in some ways than I was when I was just running. I also probably would have subconsciously started having less from all the extra stress and lack of appetite, but again, I have not even thought about using that as an excuse one bit. I know so strongly that restricting will only cause more damage right now, so I just have to keep doing all the right things because that is the only way things will continue to improve. And speaking of improvement, I would be remiss not to mention that things have been getting better. Walking around in general is not painful, and I can bear a lot more weight on that side than I could last week. I still can’t jump on it, but there have been no signs that cross-training is making it worse or that the pain in general is getting worse.

I got an ultrasound on Monday, which showed no tears or issues within the ligaments, which is a good sign. However, I can’t ignore the elephant in the room. So, if the pain is not significantly better by Tuesday (which will be two weeks), we are going to get more imaging on it. I think by that point I will also just need some peace of mind. For now, I am just focusing on taking it one day at a time and not overthinking anything too much because I know that will just cause a downward spiral. I just have to stay positive, however I can, and trust that “this too shall pass.”

So you are all probably confused and having a hard time following along right now, so let me explain what my current scenario is looking like. I finished a great workout on Tuesday. MP at Salem, which is something we had never done before. I felt so, so good. Just strong and fit, but not too fit. I could feel all the little things we had been doing paying off. I was feeling so determined, motivated, and excited for everything to come. I was simply falling in love with the process of training and my new routine. Things were going so well. This was also a very big workout day: 12 miles of MP in the AM and a 60-minute elliptical workout in the afternoon, plus weights. It was my first time doing a double workout like this, but I was actually really excited about it because I had been recovering so well after sessions. However, I started my cool down and something just wasn’t right in my ankle. One thing for sure is, I have learned my lesson with injury, and I am always one to just shut things down when things don’t feel right. As hard as it is, I know it’s the smartest and best option always. I was keeping my cool, trying not to get in my head about it. It was just some soreness. So I went to the trainers right after practice to get it looked at and to get some treatment on it. There was absolutely no bruising or swelling. It was honestly so strange; I had no idea what happened. I kept an eye on it the rest of the day, seeing how it felt. I was still able to do the elliptical workout with no pain, and it honestly felt great, and I did everything in weights minus the jumps. I was able to kind of forget about it the rest of the day, but then nighttime hit and the emotions just came flooding in.

First frustration, then sadness, and then the dreaded pity party. I think it was also partially just confusion. I had been in the best place physically and mentally I had been in years. It didn’t make any sense. Of course, the ED thoughts then came rushing in, trying to convince me that somehow the extra fuel and recovery caused the problem, so restricting would be the best option right now, but I immediately pushed them aside. I know darn well that restricting and going back to old habits will only result in one thing: a downward spiral from a mental and physical standpoint. I know this didn’t happen because of the extra fuel. It just happened because that is just life sometimes, and the reality of being a Division 1 runner means pains are going to pop up, but it doesn’t mean it’s the end of the world or a season-ending injury. I did the right thing. I shut things down, and I am playing it safe and cross-training for the time being.

I still have a while until I open up my season, so plenty of time for this to work its way out, and I know that I am not going to lose any fitness by having to cross-train for a little while. Especially not with the new cross-training plans we have from our new coach. If anything, I am working even harder most days than I would be if I was just running. I am taking this time to channel an extra-special former teammate of mine. I am just putting my head down and putting in the work in a different way so when I am back to running, I will have lost no fitness and even gained some along the way. This situation may not be ideal, but as I said earlier, I am going to be okay. I am simply doing all the little extra things to keep myself in the best place physically and mentally. I may not be able to see it right now, but I know this is all happening for a bigger reason. Maybe it is just a test to see if I would give in to the ED when things do go wrong or fall out of my control. Maybe it’s a test to see how well I really am doing and how strong I have become. All I know is this is not stopping me from achieving any of my goals. If anything, it is just motivating me even more to continue doing all the right things. I got this, and “this too shall pass.”

I made a promise to myself this year that I would show up as the best version of myself every single day. Not just for me, but for my teammates. I have the free time to do all the little things, and I have the energy for it now too. I truly thrive being able to host things and take people places. I feel like I am discovering something new about myself every day and challenging myself to be better in every aspect of my life. I think the biggest thing that has helped me find the desire to start this is letting go of perfectionism. I have been talking about this a lot with my dietician here. And yes, while a lot of it does have to do with food, I think it can also be correlated to many other areas in my life. You have to let go of the need for everything to be perfect and start focusing on the process as a whole. Not everything has to be perfect, but if you can instead stack good days upon each other, that is when you will see the most progress. It is also how you will be able to establish habits you can stick to, instead of ones that feel impossible and overwhelming.

I realized I had subconsciously started doing this with food these last few months, and this is when I started to have the most growth. I let go of every meal needing to look a certain way. This allowed me to stop overthinking every decision or event that involved food; it made food become a lot easier and honestly just not such a big deal anymore. Take this past week, for example; we went out for brunch for my teammates’ birthday. In between meals like this always used to really mess with my head because it was past breakfast time, but earlier than lunch. However, by the time we finished, it would be past lunch, so then I would question if I should have lunch, what time it would be, and what the meal should consist of. I would overcomplicate things to the extreme when, in reality, it really wasn’t that deep at all. By the time I got to the meal, I was so stressed I couldn’t enjoy it, and there was even a time when I would just make up an excuse to skip it altogether. But this time, I didn’t overthink anything; I went, enjoyed the meal and time with my teammates, and I had lunch just a little bit later in the day. It is that simple.

This may seem obvious to some of you, but those who have ever struggled with food can relate. And as I said earlier, this doesn’t just have to be food-related. There were so many aspects of my life that I felt I needed to plan out a certain way. If things didn’t go according to plan, I would freak out. My life was so strictly regimented for so long, and I thought that was how it was always going to be, but I am realizing more and more how freeing it is once you let go of that perfectionism and start to just live in the moment. I know not everyone has the luxury of doing this, and I know I won’t always either, but right now I do. This is my last year of college and D1 running. My last year with a pretty light workload and a fully online grad program before I enter the real world. So you bet I will do everything in my power to make it a memorable one.

The semester hasn’t even started, but the growth I have already made these last 3 weeks since moving in has been so cool to see. I know this year is going to be everything I need and more. So when it is time to enter the real world next year, I will have a heart full of confidence and joy!

For years, I felt a sense of emptiness in my life, and I was constantly searching for things- physical, tangible things or experiences-that would fill the void. I felt like my life was lacking the enjoyment and excitement that other people had. There were just some people I would come across who were so genuinely happy and content with themselves and their life. I thought they must have been doing something special. Their life must be full of exciting things every day; there is no way they can just be that happy living their life. However, the truth is they were. They were simply that happy with the life they created for themselves. They got joy from their day-to-day because it was full of people they cared about and activities they loved and wanted to do. They loved their life and the version of themselves because they were in full control of it.

I talked about this many times before, but living with an ED takes so much of your control away. Even though your head is telling you that you are in control and you are making these decisions, because everything else in your life is spiraling out of your control, it is actually the exact opposite. My ED took everything from me: my health, happiness, relationships. I was a shell of myself for so long. Heck, I convinced myself I was an introvert for years because being with people really did drain me. I also hated having to go out and do things because it would interrupt my very structured and unhealthy routine my ED convinced me I needed to stick to. I thought this was how my life was going to be forever. That was until I slowly started to force myself to make uncomfortable changes. Each year I have been at Wake, I have seen the progress firsthand; I have seen myself come out of my ED shell and turn into this energetic, happy, and outgoing girl again. I truly thought I was in the best place last year, but now I look at the version of me now, and it completely surpasses every other milestone I have hit in recovery thus far. This version of me is someone I genuinely love so very much, and it is even more special to hear my teammates and those around me say the same.

I have a genuine sense of excitement and happiness for my day-to-day. I understand what those people who I thought were doing something “special” were actually experiencing. They were experiencing what happens when you take control of your life, your health, and your happiness. It is what happens when you finally make those changes and keep showing up for yourself every day; it’s what happens when you commit to doing everything in your power to be the best version of you. I have the energy to give my all in training and the weight room, while still hanging out with my teammates, hosting dinner parties, and going out for dinner and coffee. These spontaneous events don’t fill me with anxiety anymore; they fill me with joy. I am finally at the place where I can be the helpful teammate; I can be the supportive friend, sister, and daughter. I can be there for others because, for the first time in years, I don’t have to worry about it taking too much from me. I have the energy to do both. I have gotten myself to a strong enough place where I can be the best version of myself while also being the one others can come to.

Now having almost a full two weeks under my belt back at Wake, I am completely in a routine. I have been loving my daily sidequests and random activities, now that I have a car and can explore more of Winston. We’ve been going to coffee shops, the farmers market, running errands, hosting dinner parties, and just doing all the things I have been hoping for. Only two more days till everybody is back, and the excitement I have for this year is so so big. Especially after sitting down and talking with our new Coach this past week, I know so many special things are in store. Heck, I even get to open up my last season of collegiate racing back in my old stomping grounds; yes, I will be headed to NJ and racing on some home soil for the first time since high school!

So many good things in store; my only wish is that it doesn’t go too fast ;)

I haven’t felt this good mentally and physically in so, so long, and I know so many special things are in store. I also know they have seen all the progress I have made during my short time at home, and it leaves me feeling even better knowing they didn’t have to leave with the extra stress of wondering if I could take care of myself.

Everything from the moment we left Florida went so smoothly, and the move-in process was pretty seamless. Honestly, that’s what happens when you are finally healthy and in a clear headspace. You stop stressing over the little things, and everything in your life becomes a thousand times easier. I have such a sense of calmness and joy in my day-to-day life, which I haven’t felt in years, and it’s so cool.

Since coming back, I made sure to get all my physicals, labs, and scans done so I don’t have to worry about them when the rest of the team gets back. Another huge win from putting your health first: no longer stressing about doctor appointments going poorly, worrying that something might get flagged and I wouldn’t be cleared, or having to cut back on training.

My appointments went so well, and it was really cool to reflect on all the progress I have made. It is one thing to feel the difference, but to see visual proof that my body is happy was so reassuring. It reminded me that everything I have been working on is helping, and it’s motivating me to continue making strides (literally and figuratively) in the right direction.

Getting cleared also meant I could start back up with weights, and this was probably the biggest area of growth I saw. It honestly filled me with so much excitement. The weight room used to be a space where I had so much anxiety. Since getting a new strength coach last year, I saw a lot of improvement, at least from a mental standpoint. However, I never thought I would be able to do a solo one-on-one lift with no stress, but I had two of the best lifts of my life this week. They were both after big workout sessions, and I was still able to pick up weights I never dared to touch last year. So fricken cool how much fueling really pays off!

One other thing I wanted to touch on is the new sense of freedom and independence I feel. I never realized how many areas of my life I was holding myself back from because of my ED. That was until I started just saying “yes,” putting myself out there, and creating more opportunities for myself.

I am going to get a bit vulnerable here, but driving was a big source of anxiety for me. I never realized how bad it was or how tied it was to my ED until I allowed myself to start driving again. For whatever reason, there was a fear connected to driving and letting myself go places on my own. I hated having to rely on people all the time, and yet my ED convinced me I couldn’t have that sense of freedom. So I didn’t drive, and I didn’t bring my car to UF, UNF, or Wake.

However, this year I was determined to break past that fear. I wanted my car; honestly, I needed it too. I was living off campus, and yes, it was close enough that I could scoot, but I wanted to be able to take myself places. My grad program is all online, and I wanted to work at coffee shops, run errands throughout the week, and honestly, just be able to go out for a drive if I needed or wanted to. I wanted that sense of freedom my ED had kept me from.

This was a huge step in my recovery for so many reasons. While I am still getting 100% comfortable again, I have made so much progress, and I couldn’t be happier.

I am back to having full control of my life, saying yes to all the things, making plans, driving myself to dinner and coffee shops, running errands, and just living. I get excited to be with people and gain energy from being around others (maybe my ED was the reason I felt so introverted at times). I feel like I am learning more and more about myself every day.

So here’s to my first (almost) full week in my new routine and so much joy in everything so far!

And continued excitement for all that’s to come because this amazing life I am creating for myself will continue as long as I keep doing my part!!

After wrapping up camp and building so many new relationships, I felt even better and more excited for the upcoming year. I knew how much the incoming freshmen would positively impact our team culture. I returned home on Monday afternoon after the worst travel experience of my life (but that’s a story for another time) with such a full heart. I couldn’t wait to return to school in just 10 short days. I was ready to have the team back together, ready to finally move into my house, start decorating, and settle in. Ready to start exploring more of Winston now that I had my car with me. I was ready to start the best year of my life.

I had physically and mentally been feeling so good, so determined for all that was to come for me both on and off the track this year. Workouts had been going so well; I was hitting paces I wasn’t even close to hitting last year at this time. I was seeing real proof in all areas of my life of just how much the extra fuel was paying off. It was so beyond motivating, and even though the ED thoughts would still try to creep in every once in a while, I would quickly stop and remind myself of how good things were going and how much better they were going to continue to get the more I continued to push myself in the right direction.

Everything was falling into place. My grad program classes had been assigned, and I had so much faith that this program would help me align with the perfect career path this year. Finally, finally, after feeling so unsettled, unsure, and behind for years after my horrible freshman experience, my life was coming together in ways I never could’ve imagined.

It was around 8:30 on Tuesday the 22nd. I was in the kitchen making my nightly yogurt bowl when I got the Gmail notification. One thing about me (despite my perfectionist tendencies): I am never one to immediately check my email when it comes in, but with all my flight drama from the day before, I was actually awaiting an email from Delta. I opened the email hoping to find a reimbursement from Delta, but was instead crushed with the worst news I have received in a very long time.

I thought I was seeing things at first. I thought it was a mistake. I couldn’t understand why or how this could be happening. I just started sobbing, trying to piece together how this could be.

“What is it? What’s wrong?” my mom yelled, running to me.

I squinted through the floods of tears running down my face to read the email I had just received from Coach Ashley: she was leaving.

And in that moment, and honestly until the next afternoon when we found out who her replacement was, I thought my chapter at Wake Forest was coming to a close.

I feel as though it is not my story to share, so if you want more detail about why she is leaving and what her future holds, I highly recommend going to her Instagram page. She is ending her coaching career and instead transitioning to counseling full time.

Upon receiving her email that Tuesday night, she also sent me a text explaining that since she wasn’t coaching anymore and was staying in Winston, we could still keep an open relationship. She even said the new coach was completely fine with it, which, in my head, not knowing who the new coach was yet, seemed kind of strange.

It took me until the next day to even answer her. I was feeling very hurt, even angry, when I first received the news, but it was so hard for me to be upset with her. If coaching is not her passion anymore and doing counseling full time is what is best for her, how could I be angry? If anything, I was feeling more fear, fear of the unknown. Fear that everything we worked so hard to build together was going to be ripped away, and what was supposed to be the best year of my life, from both a running and personal standpoint, was about to become the worst.

It was around 3:15 p.m. on Wednesday the 23rd when I received the second email from Coach Hayes (our head coach). I was waiting in the parking lot for my acupuncture appointment and had been refreshing my Gmail every two seconds, hoping to get an email with the new coach before I went into my hour-long appointment.

The email came in just minutes after I got off the phone with Coach Hayes as he reiterated that he would continue to be a resource for me this year and that Ashley could be a resource too, but he also needed my leadership, as coaching switches were bound to stir up lots of change within the team.

I wanted to believe him and have as much of a positive mindset about this change as possible, but until I knew who the replacement was, I still hadn’t gotten the thought of ending my collegiate career out of my head.

The time on my phone blinked 3:12. I would have to go into my appointment any minute, but then it came.

With the subject line titled, New Coach (sort of).

Now, if you are anyone in the running world who follows college athletics, you probably saw the post on The Stride Report, but our whole team basically felt like we got pranked for those few hours while waiting to see who our new coach would be. We thought half our program was leaving after our Mid D coach announced that he would be leaving to coach at Ole Miss just a week prior.

That was until he was offered Coach Ashley’s position.

So, to make a long story short once again, for anyone who isn’t following along, our old Mid D coach, who was supposed to be leaving, was now staying and taking Ashley’s position, which is why they were so okay with us continuing to keep a relationship with her.

When I tell you, reading that email felt like the weight of the world had been lifted off of me. A situation that felt like the worst thing in the world just a few minutes prior now seemed like an amazing opportunity.

I knew what a great coach Hazouri was. I had seen what he had accomplished with the Mid D program. I could sense his excitement through the text I received from him. All he asked was for my 100% buy-in to him doing all the coaching, and for Ashley to continue to support me from a mental standpoint.

And just like that, it was as if my whole world came back together in that single moment.

A new sense of excitement and joy filled me. In that moment, I knew so many incredible things were in store for this upcoming year.

Because yes, change is hard, but sometimes it’s necessary for better things to begin.

I want to close this off with a thank you to Coach Ashley, who I guess is now just Ashley.

Thank you for seeing something in me all those years ago. Thank you for believing in me and sticking by me when most coaches didn’t and wouldn’t have. Thank you for helping me become both the athlete and person I am today.

I promise to continue making you proud, both on and off the track.

There were periods when I wanted to stop because my life felt like it was falling apart. I didn’t want to share the bad times, but then I would recall why I started my account in the first place, and I would immediately reframe my thoughts. My account has changed a lot over the years, but my mission has stayed the same. I want my story to help other runners, and just people in general who are struggling with similar things, feel less alone. I wanted to help people realize that there is a way out of an eating disorder and that, even though recovery is extremely hard, life without your ED is so awesome. I wanted to help others become the best versions of themselves and realize that those versions can only be created when they are at their healthiest and strongest.

One of the biggest lessons I have learned from sharing my life on social media is how scary it can be. Yes, it can be a beautiful thing when you get that first DM from a young girl saying how your story has inspired her to start recovery and get her life back. However, it can be extremely hard when you are also getting dozens of hate comments and nasty messages from random strangers. It can be hard to feel like you are doing any good when they accuse you of such hurtful things. I dealt with this a lot when I wasn’t in the best place, and I take full responsibility for posting content in the past that could have been triggering. However, at the time, that was not my intention, and I am very thankful to say that I recognize my past mistakes and take all of them into consideration now when I post. I am in a completely different place than I was when I first started my social media platforms, and I am so happy to say that I feel like I have created a space that is so positive and full of, for the most part, love and supportive individuals. I think a lot of this support stems from one of the hardest periods of my life: my gap year from collegiate racing.

Sharing my experiences leaving college and transferring schools on social media was truly one of the hardest and most vulnerable things I ever did. The amount of comments I received from random strangers, but also people I knew in real life, was so overwhelming. I was ready to stop all my social media completely and not come back until my life was somewhat in order again. However, I quickly realized this went against everything I so strongly encouraged on my platforms: honesty and authenticity. I never held anything back or kept anything secret from my social media. I never lied to try to make my life seem better than it was. I knew I needed to share this part of my journey, even if it would be difficult, because I knew it would help someone. I also knew one day I would want to look back on this chapter of my life and be so proud of that past version of myself for never giving up and for helping me become a stronger, better version of myself today. So that is exactly what I did. Despite all the backlash from random people on Reddit and LetsRun telling me that my running career was over and that I was a horrible person for letting my ED take so much away from me, I just kept going. I used that hate as motivation, and to this day I still sometimes go back to those days for motivation. That’s another great thing about having so much of my life documented online. Every time I have a bad day, I like to go back through old posts to remind myself of where I was just a few short years ago. It quickly puts everything into perspective and reminds me how far I have come.

So here is to six years of sharing my story: the good, the bad, and the ugly. It has been one heck of a journey, and I cannot wait to see what the future holds. So, to anyone who has the slightest inkling to start posting their life online, I say go for it, especially if it is something that truly excites you and you think might help someone else. You never know what it might turn into.

Being at home, with help, especially from my mom, was extremely beneficial for me after I hit a pretty low moment in the post-season. However, that chapter of summer was closing, and I was heading to camp: 10 days of keeping myself accountable. Eating all my meals and snacks, and even pushing myself to eat more because I knew my training was increasing and my schedule would be much busier than it had been at home. I knew it would be easier for me to make excuses about why I couldn’t have the extra snack because I simply didn’t have time. The old Ange would have been excited for this opportunity to let the ED slide back in for a little while. However, the new Ange was not excited. Honestly, she was scared.

I left for camp feeling somewhat sad and a little overwhelmed. At first, I thought I was going to back out completely from working at this camp because I didn’t think I would be ready. I thought I would be too worried about going backwards and ruining all the hard work I had put in. However, I knew I needed this challenge. I needed to push myself because soon enough I would be back at school on my own, and I needed to be ready to hold myself accountable. More than anything, I wanted to enjoy this week back with some old teammates and meet some new ones. I didn’t want to spend the entire week stressing about food and being stuck in my head. I wanted to make myself proud, and I am very happy to say that I have.

This past week has been pretty perfect. For starters, meeting the new freshmen has been awesome, and I have never seen a group of people click so instantly. I also want to thank them because, just like all my other teammates have helped better my relationship with both food and exercise over the last three years, they have done the same for me over the past week. I know they didn’t realize it at the time, and they may never know, but being around people who eat and fuel themselves is one of the most comforting things for me. It is one of the biggest reasons I have made so much progress since coming to Wake.

I was worried about fueling less while at camp, but I think my fueling has actually gotten even better, which, of course, has made my energy levels better and, honestly, just everything better. I am usually exhausted and hanging on by a thread by this point in camp, but I honestly feel so good. This week also marked my first 50-mile week of running (plus even more through cross-training), and I am truly feeling so, so good. I started workouts again and was not far off from where I was at the end of the track season, which is very exciting. It is just more proof that more fuel and consistent fuel are going to bring me the most success this season. And if I want this season to be everything I hope for and more, then sticking with what I have been doing and continuing to push myself is going to be the biggest thing.

While all of this is so exciting, I think the thing that has brought me the most joy is the fact that my new teammates have gotten to meet this version of Ange because it truly is the version I love the most. This Ange is so fun. She has an actual personality. She isn’t exhausted. She is happy and enjoyable to be around. I never want to become that isolated girl again, and I have grown to realize that every time I let the ED slide in, even just the slightest bit, that is the girl I become.

So if anything at all can keep me going and make me feel determined, it is this. As I have reiterated time and time, I am choosing this phase of recovery for so much more than surface-level problems. I am choosing this because I want more for myself, for my future self, for my relationships, for running, and just for life. I am choosing this to create my best life and to see how good things can continue to become the longer I do the right thing.

Just one month ago, I was in Oregon celebrating my birthday, and that honestly feels like a lifetime ago. I know a lot of it has to do with the mental growth and work I have done on myself over these last four weeks. Just proof of how much strength can come from taking the time to work on yourself! I am really proud of myself for making this promise to present and future me. I know it is going to pay off; I am already seeing how much it has paid off, and it is truly only the start. The changes may be small, but they have made a huge difference in my day-to-day happiness, energy levels, and joy.

It is a feeling of freedom from the ED that I have been longing for. And I will be honest that, just like every other phase of recovery, this has been anything but sunshine and rainbows every day. Some days have been good, honestly so good, but others haven’t. The thoughts are still there. The longing to go back to old ways. The irrational emotions. I just have to give in a little. However, these instances are brought with immediate regret. I know this won’t make anything better in the long run. Maybe, maybe it will give me the littlest bit of relief in the moment. However, that feeling is fleeting; it doesn’t give me the same “high” feeling that it used to.

This has been really cool to sit back and reflect on, and I think it was one of the biggest factors behind my pushing myself to the next phase. I realized that no part of the ED and any of those unhealthy habits gave me pleasure anymore. This probably sounds really weird to some of you who have never dealt with this before, but the ED is really manipulative. At first, and for a long time, giving in to the ED behaviors will give you a sense of power, like you are somehow better than everyone else for eating less, or that others will like you more for being smaller. However, there will eventually come a point when these feelings pass, when you realize that being smaller doesn’t make you better and that the underfueled, weak, and tired version of you is not a version people enjoy being around.

I think the final factor for me that truly initiated this change was realizing that my ED truly brought out the worst version of me, both as a person and as a runner. I couldn’t and didn’t ever perform at my best when I was treating myself so poorly. That is why I made that final promise to myself: the promise to push myself more, to push myself to that next phase, the phase where I don’t give in. No matter what, I will wake up each day and choose me.

I will choose myself every single day because it is the only way I will be at my best. That is exactly what I have done this first half of the summer at home. I have put my all into everything, and I have seen a huge difference. A difference in my relationships, my energy, and just the way I am living my life. I have a new sense of joy and happiness for this life I have decided to create for myself. I can feel this new sense of strength pushing me in all areas of my life. This decision was not made solely so I could be the best athlete I can be, but also the best person I can be. This means Ange, the runner, teammate, friend, daughter, sister, etc. I want to be the best version of myself for everyone in my life, and I cannot do that if I try to negotiate with the ED in any way. So, yes, the thoughts come in, but I choose to ignore them as well as I can.

Like all other summers, I made a bucket list. I thought it would be for the entire summer, but with this newfound joy, I have been able to check off everything I initially set out to do. And that is the crazy thing about creating a better life for yourself. You stop stressing, stop overthinking, and start living. You start living, and everything else seems to fall into place accordingly. You don’t have to try as hard to ensure things work out; they do. And that is what the first half of my summer has looked like.

It has been the best summer since 2015 (iykyk), and I still have three weeks to go!!

I had a completely different newsletter written up this week, but that was before I knew something extremely special would take place. I have been talking a lot about the recent mindset shift I had, and at first, I thought it was just a coincidence. Between the race, my birthday, and all of the hecticness that had been my life the last few months, I thought all the reflecting I had done since coming home was just the result of having more free time and more time to work on myself. For some reason, I thought I finally felt ready to take this next step in recovery. However, I should have realized that all of that was happening for a reason. I say it all the time, and I am not one to believe in crazy coincidences. I have learned over the years to have the utmost trust in the timing of my life, and it is the reason I have had the motivation to keep going even when things seemed uncertain, even when others around me doubted my decisions and my belief in myself. I have learned over the years that when you trust the timing of your life and trust in God, or whatever higher power you believe in, you will be so much happier. When you go into situations with the idea that, no matter what happens, you will grow and learn something from it, you rarely walk away feeling disappointed. This is a concept I am determined to start living by again because I know it will help me become the best version of myself.

So, going back to why timing is so important. My mom and I have been talking about getting the tattoo symbol for eating disorder recovery since I first got sick. I remember sitting in a program and asking one of my therapists what the tattoo on her wrist was. That was the first time I ever saw or heard of the symbol, and it was that day, in June of 2017, that I realized I wanted to have that tattoo someday. I didn’t know when, but I knew there would come a time in my life when it felt right, a point where I felt a shift. Recovery is not something that ever ends. It is an ongoing process, but there comes a point when the final chapter starts: the chapter of life where you are your best self and working toward getting better and better. I didn’t know when that time would come for me. For a long time, I thought it never would, but recently I learned that it was because I wasn’t allowing myself to accept it. This phase of recovery does not come to you; you have to find it, and even more importantly, you have to choose it.

This Tuesday, my mom and I walked into Unify Tattoos with the plan to show someone the design and hopefully get the tattoos before I leave for camp next week. However, the timing was right, and we left two hours later with matching tattoos. As if June wasn’t already a special month full of so much growth, this final decision on the last day of the month solidified everything for me. Or at least almost everything, because for some reason, I still felt like the timing of everything meant something even more meaningful.

I woke up on Wednesday, July 1st, and that’s when it hit me like a truck. I was brought right back. I was brought back to the summer of 2016, the summer when my life changed in a way I never expected. That summer, in the midst of a New Jersey heatwave, I got dressed and ready to meet up with my friends at the lake when, all of a sudden, I heard something, not out loud, but in my head. Someone was talking to me. I remember going into the bathroom in my parents’ bedroom and just staring at myself in the mirror. Something felt different; I didn’t recognize the person I saw staring back at me. And that’s when it happened. I looked at the floor, I saw the scale, I stepped on it, and my whole world changed. I texted my friends saying I couldn’t make it because I had a headache, and I spent the rest of the afternoon googling how to lose “5 pounds in a week” while simultaneously doing sit-ups on my bedroom floor. The summer of 2016 changed the trajectory of my life.

So now, 10 years later, I have finally come to a place where the time felt right. Now my next chapter begins, and I have a reminder [on my arm] of it all. Every time I look down, I can reflect on everything I have been through, everything I have fought for, and everything I am continuing to work for.

I think this has been my problem for the last three or so years. Once I truly bought into recovery and developed so many new, amazing habits, I got comfortable. I thought it was enough and believed that the occasional few weeks of eating less and doing a little more exercise wouldn’t affect me. However, that wasn’t true. It did and still does affect me. Taking away that afternoon snack one day meant taking it away for one week and then one month. Doing five more minutes on the elliptical eventually turned into ten. It wasn’t crazy behaviors, but little things that added up over time. I convinced myself that it was okay until I found myself crying myself to sleep every night leading up to nationals because I was riddled with anxiety. Anxiety that I claimed, “I had no idea where it was coming from,” but I knew exactly where it was coming from.

The ED voice was slowly getting louder and louder the more I continued to give in to those small habits. The more it convinced me that I wasn’t enough and had no business lining up for that 10K in Oregon. It was the reason I knew before the gun even went off that I didn’t have what it took on the day. I let the ED win this season, and it is something I am not going to live down until I prove to myself that I am so much stronger than the voice and that I can win over it during this next chapter of my life.

June 21st, 2026. I made the promise to myself that I was choosing recovery. Something I had done 100 times before. However, this time it doesn’t look like forcing down three meals and three snacks or no longer exercising all day long. This time, it looks like healing from the inside out. It looks like healing my relationship with food in terms of cooking, going out to eat, being spontaneous, finding balance, and recognizing that all foods fit. It means fueling like an athlete should, with nourishing foods that make me feel my best. It looks like listening to my cravings, so my hunger cues come back. This time around, I am not fueling to save my bones and strengthen my heart. I am not healing to get out of a hospital bed and get my life back, I already have that. This time I am fueling to become the best version of me, both on and off the track. I am fueling to get stronger. I am feeling to get my period. I am fueling for the future me after college, when I am in the real world. I am fueled to find success in all aspects of my life. I am fueling to mentally be at my strongest, most present, authentic self.

This time, I am choosing recovery so I can get to that place I have never reached before. The recovery point where I am the freest and the most in control. The phase where I no longer question whether going back would be better because I am filled with so much evidence that the new, healed version of me is the best. I am no longer striving for better because, as the book Elite Minds, which I am rereading, has taught me, striving for “better” is failing you; striving for “best” is the only way to truly succeed.

I have been making a daily to-do list for myself, full of non-negotiables and some challenging tasks to continue to keep the ED on its toes while simultaneously working on bettering my mental health. It has looked like journaling, dot art, listening to podcasts, and reading. Switching up at least one meal every day, having spontaneous snacks, and purposely doing things out of my comfort zone because, if I want to be my best, I need to be willing to sit with the discomfort. And anytime I have felt the slightest urge to stop, choose the easier option, or just not try at all, I take a moment, put myself back on that starting line, and ask myself, “Do you want to continue to let this girl down?”

The answer is always no.

I can’t continue to let her down. I have put so much work into getting to this version of myself, and I am not taking any of that hard work away. However, it’s time to start my next phase of healing. It is time to see how good life can become when I push myself even more because I have had glimpses. I have had times, races, and experiences over these last four years when everything was clicking. I saw how good it could get, but it was only for a brief time. This time I want it to stay, and it will because I am not giving in. I am not giving up. I owe it to past Ange and even more to future Ange.

Making nationals and finally getting to Eugene, celebrating my birthday in TrackTown, was supposed to be the most amazing experience. It was supposed to be one of the best weeks of my life, and I’ll be completely honest, it wasn’t. I’ve had enough time now to reflect on it, and regardless of the race, the entire trip was just not what I wanted it to be, and it’s no one’s fault but my own. This was the first time in a while that my ED took a fun and memorable experience away from me, and it really, really sucks. To be honest, if I hadn’t been with the group of people I was with these last few weeks, I’m not sure I would’ve even made it on the plane to Oregon. Without them being such a breath of fresh air and positivity, I don’t know what I would’ve done. So to Brooke and E, I’m not sure if either of you will ever see this, but I just want you to know how much you both helped me this last month. In more ways than you’ll ever realize, you two are the reason I toed that line and made it across the finish line, and I can’t thank you enough.

It hurts to know that no matter how far along you are in recovery, even the smallest slip-up can spiral into something really big, really quickly. I wanted to believe I was far enough along in my journey that I had full control over the ED voice, but I didn’t. So while I’m extremely disappointed with how my season ended, a part of me is also really grateful because it was, once again, the reminder I needed. The reminder that nothing good ever happens when I engage with the ED voice and its behaviors. I physically and mentally turn into a version of myself that I hate, and I am so, so tired of it. I’m also tired of the ED taking away opportunities of a lifetime. I have one year left in the NCAA, and I already let the ED take one year away. Choosing recovery feels a lot more personal this time, not only for becoming the best athlete I can be this year, but also the best teammate, friend, daughter, sister, and person. Because one year from now, I’ll be entering the real world, and if I want to be successful in whatever path I take next, I need to be at my healthiest, both physically and mentally.

Since getting home on Monday, the goal has been simple: fuel, rest, and recovery. I start my slow build back into training on Monday, which means making more adjustments, as the goal is to work back up to fifty miles, something I really want to do and want my body to be able to handle. I also go back to Wake on July 9th to work camp, so that’s my first checkpoint. I want to have made noticeable improvements, especially mentally, by that date, and I know that if I continue on the positive path I’ve been on, I can achieve that. As you can imagine, I have big goals for this next year, and like I say all the time, I can’t achieve any of them if I’m still clinging to the ED voice in any way, shape, or form. This is my last chance to become the best version of myself before I enter the real world, and I know I can get there.

This is not my first rodeo, and it breaks me every time I have to go through this. Of course, I feel like somewhat of a failure every time. But I’ve learned that this is part of recovery and part of navigating different phases of life. There will always be setbacks and opportunities for growth and improvement. I’ve realized that this is normal, and there is actually nothing wrong with me. I’m not weak for acknowledging that I haven’t been doing my best, and you’re not weak for acknowledging it either. It takes much more strength to recognize our weaknesses and make the necessary changes than to ignore them and pretend everything is fine.

We got this!

Then, to make things even more special, my parents surprised me and booked tickets to come watch the race and celebrate my birthday with me. They flew in on Wednesday afternoon, so I got to spend my morning at the pre-meet at Hayward Field, going out to lunch and coffee, and doing some shopping. Then I met up with them for dinner and dessert, and it really was one of the best birthdays I have had in a very long time. I can’t even really remember what I was doing on many of my birthdays in the past, but nothing as cool as this. It was a great reminder of just how far I have come and how recovery, and choosing to become my healthier self, has allowed me to create this life for myself. Ange from three years ago, and even a year ago, would be pinching herself, thinking she finally made it to nationals and would be celebrating 22 in Oregon with the absolute best people in the world. It will definitely be a birthday I will never forget.

So now we move on to not only the race itself and the end of the outdoor season, but also a recap of my entire year cross country, indoor, and outdoor because this year really was full of so much growth. There were periods of highs so high I didn’t even believe they were possible. Moments where I saw what I was truly capable of if I continued to push myself to do all the right things. They were races that I don’t consider anomalies or once-in-a-lifetime performances. They were experiences that I know I can have again; I just need to be consistent in all aspects of my life.

I would be lying if I said I didn’t shed many tears coming off several races this year. They were moments full of regret because a part of me knew that fueling was still a factor in why I didn’t perform at my best on the day. And if fueling wasn’t going well leading into the race, that also most likely meant I wasn’t mentally at my best. As I have reiterated time and time, you can’t outrun a weak mind. I really thought I was in the clear after ACCs this year. I was riding such a high, feeling so physically and mentally ready for regionals. However, regionals really shook me; it took a lot out of me, even more than I wanted to believe. While I was forcing my body to catch up in time for nationals, it just couldn’t. I was not physically 100%, and my lingering GI issues had not gone away, even though I was convincing myself they had. After (TMI) throwing up in my mouth during warm-up, I was feeling quite terrified that I might puke mid-race. I tried to shake off the thoughts, and for the start of the race, I was okay. However, with the 10K being so long, you never really know what could happen. So with about 16 laps to go, I got this strange shooting pain in my stomach, and all I remember is telling myself, Just get across that line, Ange. Whatever you have to do, just don’t make your first DNF at nationals. So I did. I made it across the line and ended up in the med tent until things settled down.

It was a very low moment for me for many reasons because a part of me felt and still feels like I could have prevented it. It frustrates me to even think that I am still having any food-related struggles, but that is just the reality of eating disorders. It can become even more defeating when you are an athlete and know how important fueling is to your success. However, being a few days removed from the race now, I have done a lot of reflection, and one thing about me is that I will never let one bad moment define me. And I know that everything happens for a reason. I have had many very low moments in my collegiate career, much lower than finishing last at nationals, and I need to keep reminding myself of that.

So now we are officially en route back to Winston, and I fly back home to St. Augustine tomorrow. I couldn’t be more excited. I need lots of sunshine and time to decompress and get back on track, both physically and mentally, and if anyone can help me with that, it’s my mom. I will be home for a few weeks before going back to Wake to work camp, so this is prime recovery time!

Closing out Chapter 4 of 6 with a grateful heart, and I am excited for all that is in store next year. The best is yet to come!

It is currently Thursday night, and after having a very good talk with my coach this afternoon, I am in much better spirits for the most part. I knew I couldn’t go into the most important race week of my life mentally struggling because, as you all can guess, that subsequently affects fueling, and the last thing I want right now is to have a bad race at nationals because I went into it underfueled. Anyways, I am getting sidetracked now; another reason y’all are just going to have to stay with me throughout this newsletter because I have so much I want to talk about.

Starting with why I think I struggle so much around this time of year. Honestly, in general, it’s filled with some pretty bad memories that go all the way back to 2016, when one of my best friends got diagnosed with cancer. The following year, I was hospitalized with my ED. The next year, I was struggling with my new “recovered self.” The following year, I relapsed. Then it was COVID. Then I blew up during my state meet. My senior year, I was relapsing and moved away from my hometown. The next year, I was in the transfer portal. The following year was my gap year, and I just felt so behind in life. Then last year, I was disappointed with how terribly my track season had gone and was so checked out with running in general.

No, I am not listing all of this off to throw myself a pity party; I am honestly doing it as a way for myself to reflect on why I have so much negativity around my birthday, but also why I should be feeling so grateful to be in a better situation now. I get to spend my birthday in Oregon for NCAA’s; why am I not beyond excited? That is something I am still not sure about, but what I do know is I have all the tools to get out of this funk.

I was mentally and physically feeling quite depleted coming off regionals, which didn’t help me feel any better about the entire racing situation. However, like I always say, “everything happens for a reason,” and I know a greater lesson was being taught to me throughout that entire experience. I can’t and do not want to become complacent in my running or recovery process, and a part of me knows that I was. I wasn’t pushing myself to do the right thing as I know I should have, so this week, going into nationals, I have no excuses. I am doing everything to get myself feeling 100% both physically and mentally so that when I step up to that line, I have absolutely no doubt and no regrets.

I conquered every racing goal I set for myself this outdoor season and then some, but I did not just want to get to nationals and soak in all the fun of being there. I still have big goals for myself next week. I know it is going to take a lot of fight to achieve them, but if ACCs and even the last 2 miles of regionals taught me anything, it is that even if you aren’t the fastest in the field, your mental strength can help you achieve just about anything. And that is what I will remind myself each day for the rest of this week and every lap of that 10K next week. I didn’t come this far just to come this far. I know I still have so, so much more to give.

So while I am not feeling 100% back to normal, I am in much better spirits, and I know I will just continue to feel better as the week goes on. We head out to Oregon tomorrow, and I am so, so excited for a week full of exploring, joy, and amazing racing! Feeling extra grateful that even though I won’t be celebrating my birthday with my family, I do get to spend it with some of my favorite people in the world in a really cool place.

If you stayed until the end of this chaos, I just want to say thank you. And I hope at least one of you can relate to anything I have said. At the end of the day, we are all human, and sometimes, for one reason or another, life just starts to feel really heavy for no reason, even if everything from the outside looks great, and that is okay. We all struggle; we all go through periods of highs and lows, and that is normal. As long as we don’t get too down and let these feelings linger for too long, remember it’s always okay to lean on your people during this time! You got this, and like I keep telling myself, “this too shall pass.”

So let’s flash forward a bit to the rest of the day; nothing seemed out of the ordinary. I ate all my usual race-day meals. I actually packed all my food with me and then just bought bagels at Target because, with a race like the 10k, it’s nice to just be able to know you have all the foods that work with your stomach on race day. Three hours out, I took my Nomio shot like I usually do, and this is when I think things took a turn. Basically, Nomio (if you aren’t aware) is this broccoli shot that is supposed to work similarly to bicarb. Our team got samples of it this year, so I started taking it indoors since I don’t personally like bicarb, and I was really enjoying it. However, it expired and actually had been expired for a little while. I don’t know if it was because this was the first race I knew it was expired, so I was thinking more about it, but my stomach was just not feeling great going into the race. However, once things got going, I started to forget about it, but with 8 laps to go, it all hit me like a truck: the stomach distress and a massive bonk all at the same time. With 2 miles to go, I convinced myself I was going to have my first-ever DNF. I started mentally preparing for the heartache as my stride began to fall off pace. I knew I was fading and once again would be ending my season with a massive defeat. I told myself it would be okay, that I still had another year to chase that goal, and then something came over me. Something I had never experienced before mid-race. I told myself, NO.

I stopped throwing the pity party; yes, I was hurting, but I refused to give in that easily. Not after how long I had been dreaming and praying about this moment. I was not going to give up on myself because I know how much more I have to give and hope to accomplish in Eugene. So I used every last ounce of grit and strength I had left to pull me across the line, and when I collapsed in pure exhaustion, I squinted, half-conscious, at the screen and saw it. A 12 next to my name; I had done it. I still honestly don’t know how, but I managed to secure my spot at nationals. So while I wanted more out of the race and was, of course, wanting to place higher, I am not one bit upset or disappointed. The goal on the day was to be top 12; I can worry about better placement and times in Eugene. Thursday’s race was so much more of a win because it proved to me that even when the wheels start to fall off, I can rein them back in; I don’t have to lose all control and give up all hope. I can regain some composure and lock back in. Thursday might not have been my best race, but considering the situation I put myself in, that was my best race on the day.

And yes, I spent the night on the bathroom floor after basically giving myself food poisoning from my expired Nomio a real “you live, and you learn” moment for me. However, I didn’t even care because I was still mentally processing that I was finally making this 4-year dream become a reality. A true “pinch me” moment. Past Ange is looking at us now with the biggest smile on her face. I am so thankful for her and her patience and trust. We could’ve given up on this dream a long time ago, but we knew we still had a lot left in this sport!

Nattys, here we come!

This time of year is always a combination of joy and sadness. It is so exciting to be living like a professional athlete in a sense: no school, lots of per diem, being put up in a super nice Airbnb where all we have to focus on is training, fueling, and recovery. My days have consisted of running, cooking, tanning, dot art, and just spending as much quality time with my teammates as I can. With so much going on the last week and a half, it has been extra hard for me to stay present without worrying about what was coming next, but I have made a conscious effort the past few days, and I will continue to stop and take everything in as often as I can. I am so, so lucky to even be in the situation I am, competing at this high a level and finding success. I should feel nothing but joy and gratefulness for where I am and how hard I worked to get here. Everything else, from this point forward, from a racing standpoint, is purely a bonus.

Of course, I still have very high goals going into regionals and nationals, but I am also reminding myself of how cool it is to toe the line with the best runners in the country. Runners who, a few years and even months ago, I never thought I would be able to race against. ACCs showed me what I am capable of from a competitive standpoint, and it has allowed me to gain even more confidence, just as every other race this outdoor season has. So I am headed into regionals with that same mindset and same approach. I know what I am capable of, and I have so much trust in myself and the training. I know my body and mind are ready to give it my all on the day, and I will walk away from that race knowing I did everything I could. And not just everything I could from a training and actual racing standpoint, but also from a fueling and recovery standpoint as well.

Something that has been a huge game-changer for me, as I have talked about several times over the last few months, is the positive fueling changes I’ve made since coming back from spring break and how much they have correlated with my races improving. Having an Airbnb and being able to cook all my meals has been so much fun because I get to chef it up with my teammates. Still, we have also been able to enjoy the yummiest meals together, which not only helps me personally from a physical standpoint, but also a mental one—seeing food as a way that brings my teammates and me together, and being able to enjoy meals with one another. I can’t even begin to explain how lucky I am to be on a team that prioritizes good fueling!! It is the reason I was able to and can continue to challenge myself so much. I don’t tell them this enough, but they are the reason I have made so many positive changes in my recovery, and I can’t thank them enough for it!

So here is to an amazing and chaotic last week and an even more exciting one coming up. We are headed back to good old Kentucky on Monday, but this time we have a planned drive and won’t even be attempting an airport trip!

I don’t know if I have ever made an actual newsletter about the Year of the Fire Horse, so before I get into more detail, I want to give you all some context about why both ACCs and regionals being in Kentucky is so special. Basically, we have been shedding the snake for 9 years, and if you do the math, that brings us back to 2017 (the year my ED started). So when the shedding ended, and we entered the Year of the Fire Horse in February, I felt a huge shift and opportunity for growth arise. I think my teammates thought I was a bit crazy when I first brought up the topic, but more and more people began to love and truly believe in the concept. Now, not only do my teammates, but also my coach, love the Fire Horse. So when we realized that ACCs and regionals were in Kentucky, home of the Kentucky Derby, we all knew how special these postseason races would be. We are literally racing in the Fire Horse city and embracing golden tempo (the Kentucky Derby winner)!

There were so many good signs all around us, from getting to see actual Churchill Downs, where the Kentucky Derby takes place, to all the good luck cardinals from my Pop-Pop because we were running at the University of Louisville, and their mascot is a cardinal. I just knew something special was bound to happen on race day. I had this faith and confidence in myself that felt different. It was based on so much proof from my races this season and how well my workouts had been. I knew this was my time to do something special. Even with some unexpected last-minute entries that mixed up the field a bit, I still believed I had what it took to be on that podium. That is the best part about the ACC and championship racing: everyone in the field is amazing, and it can be anyone’s race on the day. I had my coach glitter up my braids before warm-up so I could fully embrace the “golden tempo” status, and I just went out there and raced with the Fire Horse and with so much confidence and joy.

This race surpassed every single other running accomplishment for me because I know how much work, both physically and mentally, went into my being able to secure that second-place podium finish. Yes, it was a goal I had put on my list this outdoor season, but I knew how much fight it was going to take on the day to accomplish it. The ACC is no joke, and being on that podium is an achievement that just means more. I knew if I could do it on the day, it was going to be an absolute pinch-me moment. And let’s just say it was a pinch-me moment and so much more.

I am not sure what took over me those last 400 meters, but this 10k runner found her kick and managed to close in a 69, which honestly I still can’t believe. However, I knew the 4:10 1500-meter runner behind me was coming, and if I wanted that second-place finish, I needed to go. I did, with everything I had, and I never looked back until I crossed that line. The emotions that flooded me in that moment were surreal. The tears came, but they were tears of pure joy and gratefulness. Gratefulness for past Ange and everything she battled and fought for to get me here. Gratefulness for my coach and Wake for taking a second chance on me and believing in me even when I thought I couldn’t. And of course, gratitude for this team because without their day-in and day-out support, I wouldn’t be able to accomplish any of this.

So now I am writing this the day after, still soaking in all the excitement and everything that’s to come in terms of graduation, my family coming up, regionals, and nationals. So much goodness that I don’t want to go by too quickly, so I am doing my best to be where my feet are and take it all in. I am one lucky girl!

May is always a month full of reflection. This is due to several reasons. For starters, it is Mental Health Awareness Month, and I think all the reminders popping up on my feed always make me stop and think. This month is also full of a lot of ED-related history for me. I was first diagnosed and hospitalized in May of 2017, and yesterday actually marked nine years since my diagnosis, and next Wednesday, the day before I race the 10k, will mark nine years since I was admitted. It is strange because while I feel like that should hold the heaviest weight for me this month, it does not, and I think the main reason is that I recreated a better life for myself before this current one. While I was not 100% thriving in high school, I was finding success and some joy in certain areas of my life. So that time did feel like one full-circle moment of me rediscovering life after my initial ED diagnosis. This time around, the growth I am experiencing is deeper and more real. It feels concrete and, honestly, a lot better. I feel and know how much more work went into this second round of recovery because it was an honest recovery, one that I fought for and wasn’t forced into like I was the first time. This round of recovery was my choice, and it is why I have been able to accomplish all I have and the reason my life feels 100% mine now.

After four years of work to rediscover what I truly want and the changes I needed to make to get there, I am finally at a place where I feel like I did it. I finally feel like it was worth it. All the days, weeks, and months I spent full of so much anger, frustration, and physical and mental pain all make sense now. I realize the lesson and understand why I was being tested. It was to make me stronger, not only as an athlete but also as a person. I needed to learn to appreciate the little things in life, how to stay present, and to treat every small win as a success. It was to, as silly as it sounds, create a life for myself that feels like a gift, one that to most seems quite normal, but to me is an absolute joy compared to what I had in the past. At first, I chose recovery because I just wanted to run again and prove to everyone that I could come back to this sport even better than before. I wanted to prove everyone who was doubting me wrong. I thought this determination would drive me to become the best runner I can be. However, I saw last year, and even this year at times, how that actually turned me into a worse runner, one full of doubt and anxiety because I wasn’t doing it for me. I realized that I needed not only to choose recovery for myself but also to use it as fuel to become a better version of myself, both on and off the track. I am not running or recovering to prove anyone wrong. I am doing this for no one but myself because, at the end of the day, you are the only one who truly knows what is best for you.

I finally started to see real change and growth when I treated recovery like a nonnegotiable for myself, when I stopped taking shortcuts, went “all in,” and recognized that no one is going to push me to take that extra step I know I need, no one but me. And when I finally did it and started to embrace recovery in all aspects of my life, everything started to fall into place (big shocker). Proper fuel, rest, and recovery have allowed me to become the best version of myself on and off the track. I am racing and living my life with a sense of joy and confidence I have never felt before. It took four years of choosing myself to find the real Ange finally, but it was worth it, and I would 100% do it again!

I guess I can kind of pretend that it isn’t really ending in 18 days when I walk across the stage at graduation, because I do have another year. And yes, I can pretend like we aren’t all leaving campus soon because I still have ACCs, regionals, and nationals (speaking it into existence), but the truth is that it is coming to an end. This entire year, especially this spring, has been full of so much growth both on and off the track. I feel like I bloomed and became a version of myself I never thought I would become again.

Last year was full of so much trial and error and lots of learning experiences. It was hard and left me feeling like quite a failure at times, but I understand now, looking back, how necessary everything that took place last year really was. It helped me come back to campus this year as a much more confident and determined version of myself again, a confidence in myself as a runner, but also as a person. My personality is back, a side of me I haven’t seen or felt in years, and it has been so awesome to finally feel like I am 100% myself again and can just embrace every part of me with these amazing humans I get to call my teammates and also my friends.

I say this a lot, but also not enough to their actual faces: this group of people has helped me in more ways than they will ever know, and I am forever grateful to call Wake and this team my second family and home.

As I mentioned, this isn’t the end for me, and I still have lots of racing and unfinished business to take care of on the track. Honestly, the postseason lifestyle is going to be 100 times better than last year because we have quite a squad! I will still be living in my current on-campus place until after ACCs, and then we are moving to an Airbnb, which is honestly just going to be so much fun and will make the last couple of weeks here a lot more special and also a lot less chaotic than last year.

Of course, it is sad for another year to come to a close, but I am also full of so much joy and gratitude for what these last nine months have brought me. This year has surpassed so many of my hopes and expectations, and I can’t wait to see what is still ahead for the remainder of my races. I know what my goals are, and with school ending, it means I can fully embrace the student-athlete lifestyle as we head into the most important part of the season. As I have mentioned several times before, I have so much unfinished business on the track, and while I have accomplished a lot of my big goals already, I know so many more special moments are in store for both my teammates and me.

So I am heading into finals week with no actual finals because all of my projects and presentations actually wrapped up this week, so now it’s time to soak up the remainder of my time with my teammates before those done competing leave. Then it’s 10K at ACC’s time, and graduation just a day after that, so more things to celebrate, and my family will be back in town again, which will be extra special!

There isn’t much else I wanted to say today besides just once again expressing my joy for where I am and where things are going. I am doing my best to stay present right now in all areas of my life because I know what a special time this is. Past Ange is smiling so big and is so proud of how far we have come!

Flash forward a bit to freshman year, when I got injured, my whole world fell apart, and I eventually went home to start recovery. I vividly remember telling myself I was choosing recovery because food was fuel, and it was going to help me physically and mentally become the best runner and the best version of myself. I was going to get stronger, and when I returned to running, I would be even faster than before. It made so much sense in my head. How could I not be faster than the weak, undernourished version of myself, right? Everything on social media convinced me that it would work. I would see people after recovery explain how much better their lives had become, so I thought the same would translate to my sport. There weren’t many other runners I knew in my exact situation, but there were a few who had done it. I just wasn’t aware of how long it actually took.

There is so much more that goes into returning to a sport after two years off than just the physical component. Yes, when I got to Wake last year, I was in the healthiest place I had ever been since I started running. However, I was extremely unaware of what it actually took to be successful at the collegiate level, especially in a conference like the ACC. I have always set very high standards for myself, being the type A perfectionist that I am. But I quickly had to learn that if I didn’t let go of some of the pressure I was putting on myself, I was going to end up ruining this sport for myself once again. I was no longer Angelina Perez, State Champion and Gatorade Runner of the Year; I was just another body on the line, running against women with such strength and power, leaving me feeling like a failure before the gun even went off. I didn’t have the physical or mental confidence that these women had, and I didn’t know how to get it. I thought recovery would have instilled that strength in me, but it didn’t. That was something I needed to work on myself.

I gave myself a lot of grace with all of this last year because, in many ways, it was like my “freshman year” in terms of racing at this level. However, it was frustrating to feel like I had put in all the work. I chose recovery, I did all the right things that everyone kept telling me I needed to do to get my sport back and be even faster, but it wasn’t clicking. The hard truth was that it didn’t matter how much time I took off or how physically healthy I was. I still had work to do mentally. I needed to find my confidence and joy in running again. I needed to let go of the unnecessary anxiety and step on that line with trust that I knew how to race. And there were moments this fall, at that Missouri race, a few other cross-country races, during my 5k in Boston, and the 3k at JDL, where I felt like the pieces were coming together. Then, when everything came crashing down at ACCs, I was afraid it was gone for good.

However, as I have been reiterating in my past several newsletters, the positive changes I have made in terms of consistent fueling have not just drastically changed how I feel physically, but also mentally. And when those two are finally working in harmony on race day, it is really special. I toed the line for my 5k last Friday with that same confident calmness I felt at Raleigh. I was on my home track, my family was there, my whole team was watching, and I was ready for something special. The school record is a crazy 15:06, so I wasn’t aiming for that, but a new PB was calling my name.

The gun went off, and immediately, it hit me. Something felt different. I felt lighter, I felt in control, I felt like a 17-year-old Ange, but so much stronger. I heard my coach every lap, shouting my splits, and I was a bit fast on the first three [going 74, 73, 74 when I was supposed to be hitting 75s]. But I didn’t freak out and tell myself I was going to blow up, I adjusted and hit 75s till the 800. Then, with two laps to go, I dropped back down to a 73 and closed in 71. Now, if you know anything about me, I do not have a kick. I was proud during my 10k last month when I had a negative split on my last lap because that was a big deal.

For the first time in a long time, I felt fast. I passed a girl in the last 250 to finish 3rd with a new PB of 15:32, and the joy I felt when I crossed that line and went to see my parents was the most special thing in the world. I have been waiting a very long time for them to see me back in my element again after all these years.

So, going back to my initial point about recovery and returning to your sport, it takes time. It takes time to recover, get healthy, and compete again, and it takes time before you are performing the way you want to. But that is normal. You have to keep pushing and not give up, even when things feel like they are going in the complete opposite direction. I promise it will come together. You’ve got this.