Psychology suggests that human brains are hardwired to want predictability and routine because it ensures safety and comfort.
So what happens to us when we register change? Well, for starters, we often see a loss happening. When change occurs, we ask ourselves, ‘what am I losing?’ Often, the fear of loss overrides any rational decision-making because we’re scared of losing something familiar. When that happens, we can make stupid mistakes of holding onto things that no longer belong in our lives. When we’re faced with loss, especially when it comes to relationships, we don’t think about the reason why we shouldn’t continue the relationship, we put on our rose coloured glasses and take a trip down nostalgia lane by thinking only about the good parts in that relationship.

When it comes to change, we’re also faced with uncertainty about the future, and that creates confusion within ourselves and thus pushes us out of our comfort zone. It goes directly against our established routines. While we might complain and whine about our routines, they’re our routines that have created our day-to-day lives, and we feel safe with them. People hate when they feel their safety change because the other emotion we feel is unsafe, and we’re nervous to find out if we’ll ever feel that level of safety and security again.

You might be wondering why I’m writing about change. Well, because, like everyone else, I’m going through change. The guy I’ve been seeing very privately has been spending more time with me publicly and just in general. I thought I knew my place and he knew his, but it seems like lines are being crossed and more is coming out that’s made me a little anxious. I’m not anxious because it’s a bad thing, I’m anxious because of my feelings and how fast they’ve developed.
When it comes to my friendships, an old friend from last year, Harry, has come back and we’re closer than ever (not in a romantic way AT ALL).

Our upbringings also affect our fears of change. As I stated before, I’ve never really been afraid of change.
I’ve always been a curious child. I’ve always grown bored quickly when something no longer holds my interest. I loved adventures and going to new places as a kid. I didn’t cry when I graduated from primary school to go to high school. I didn’t cry when I graduated high school to go to university. I’ve always been good with endings.
However, I know that that’s not the case for everyone.
I was fortunate enough to grow up with two beautiful parents who taught me the valuable lessons of change.
My father showed me not to fear uncertainty, but rather to embrace it because it always meant new opportunities.
My mother taught me that everything in life is an experience and there’s no such thing as losing when the goal is to live.
Growing up with very supportive parents also helped. I had a support system to go to when I was feeling sad, scared, happy, anxious, worried or even when I just needed a pause from my life, I knew I could always go to my parents.

In psychology, we learn that people who aren’t afraid of change view change as an opportunity for growth rather than a threat to their stability. Psychology also states that past positive experiences with change create flexible mindsets around change, and curious children often find their curiosity outweighs any need for the safe feelings that come with predictability.

When children grow up in unstable households with parents who aren’t supportive, that can also translate to them growing up fearing the unknown because they lived in a household where unpredictability became a fight-or-flight response.
However, the same thing can happen to children who come from a very sheltered household. Children who have coddling parents might fear change because they’re unsure how to deal with it themselves. They might become mentally weak when it comes to dealing with problems on their own and thus become fearful.

Take my friend Harry. Harry moved to Australia from India to go to university in Melbourne. He had no family or relatives here. For him and anyone else who didn’t grow up in boarding school or the international school systems, this would be considered a pivotal point in life. Despite the uncertainty and drastic change of culture, Harry made Melbourne his own. He made friends, learned the social ways, began his studies and successfully took a scary change and turned it into an opportunity to make the best life for himself. A few days ago, Harry had told me how he spent Christmas alone for the first time last year. He missed his family, or even just being around a family setting. While his expression was sad, there was another emotion in his eyes: acceptance. Harry knew this was the sacrifice he made in order to follow his dreams and passions.
That’s another thing about change, change isn’t always random, sometimes we choose change because we know that that’s what we have to accept for a better future.

“If you don’t like the road you’re walking, start paving another one.” - Dolly Parton

Another thing about change is that it’s not always something big and drastic. You don’t need to move to a new country to experience change. However, any form of change; small or big, good or bad, will always have an effect and cause the chain reactions in life that lead to those big pivotal moments.

So while we can resist change or we can learn to embrace it, the important thing we have to remember is that change is inevitable. There’s no shame in fearing the unknown, just the same way there’s shame in jumping headfirst into new situations. People are different, with different lives, different upbringings, different personalities, different circumstances, different everything, and therefore, while change is inevitable, it’s still different for everyone and thus creates different emotions in everyone. The only thing we can do is try to be sympathetic and be a listening ear or shoulder to cry on or a friend to celebrate with when our friends and family go through change.

With love,
Lili

I get this visceral reaction every time I hear another woman be referred to as a female.
I’m not ignorant, I know that every woman is biologically female, however, using the word ‘female’ projects a negative connotation rather than using the word ‘woman’.

The definition of ‘female’ means the sex or gender of an organism, person, or object that produces egg cells and can bear life.
However, that’s just it, the definition of the word doesn’t cover the intellect, individuality, experience, and personality of a woman.
So to call a woman a female when referring to her would mean to reduce that woman down to a hole, essentially. Just a person who can bear children and has a uterus.

You never hear women say “that male is…” or “males are…” and I believe it’s because we as women have an understanding that men aren’t just males, they aren’t just the sex of an organism that produces sperm.
You do, however, hear men constantly call a girl a female. “Females are all…” “that female over there…”. This shows a lack of respect for women and shows how they subconsciously generalise women down to a hole instead of seeing them as human.

Side note: NONE of this is referring to or criticising the use of language medically. It’s very important to distinguish the sex of an individual medically.

Now, whenever I talk about the substantial differential treatment between women and men, I must always talk about the patriarchy.
The use of language contributes to the patriarchy as it creates the “othering” effect that causes men to inherently, subconsciously view women as less than men because they are different, they’re the “other” sex.
Isn’t it funny how men can sometimes act purely hedonistically with little to no self-control (which leads to rape when a woman’s rights and consent are violated), yet still believe that a woman’s only purpose is to reproduce?
It is known that due to the much higher levels of testosterone, men think and seek sex much more than women do, yet we’re the ones only seen for our sexual parts. Now social norms also condition our adult behaviour patterns. As girls, we’re often shamed out of sexual experiences and heavily monitored at a young age, even through the school’s sex education. Boys growing up didn’t have that same level of monetisation or shame brought onto them. This would shape men’s upbringings and make them view sex, not as something consequential, but rather something fun and just part of life. Women will grow up feeling ashamed and worried about their sexual behaviours because they grow up understanding its consequences, not to mention all the labelling they would face. A woman is a ‘slut’, a ‘whore’, but a man is a ‘player’, a ‘casanova’, a ‘stud ’, a ‘womaniser ’.
This feeds the patriarchal narrative that men are above women in the animal kingdom simply because they think they’re better than women even when it comes to sex culture.
Men are hardly taught shame for being a man, for being born a male. Sure, they have very different types of shame brought upon them, for example, shame to show emotion, yet it’s still not the same as being shamed for their sex, which is something that cannot be controlled. If more men were shamed for being born a male, they would understand and probably demand to be seen as anything other than just a penis.

Historically, giving birth to a male was praised and celebrated, whilst giving birth to a girl was not. Even in the present day, some countries still see male babies as more valuable than girl babies because they’re the ones who will pass down ‘the family bloodline/name’. It’s ironic since it’s known that women are the ones that pass down family lineage, not men.
Bloodlines end with men, but they continue with women.

For those unaware, according to the National Institute of General Medical Sciences, while children inherit the mother’s and father’s nuclear DNA equally, mitochondrial DNA (which is found in every cell and has a unique genetic code) is passed down through the mother alone. Both egg and sperm cells have mitochondria with mitochondrial DNA, but once fertilisation happens, the sperm’s mitochondria are destroyed. The egg mitochondrial DNA does not change across generations, and that’s how scientists were able to track down very early migration patterns of humans after leaving Africa.


If women and men only referred to each other as ‘males’ and ‘females’, we would view each other only on our primal senses, and that is wrong. It’s wrong because we’re more than just our primal behaviours, more than just our animal impulses. We’re beings, beings that experience life much differently than any other animal. We don’t see ourselves as just animals, so why look at another human being and only see the animal, the body.

I shall not be reduced down to my biological function alone, and neither should any other woman. I refuse to be seen and let women be grouped as just an object that’s only there to make a baby. I shall be known as a person, a human with as many or more human tendencies and experiences as a man.

With love,
Lili

July is the month that brings awareness to all forms of chronic illnesses.
As a woman myself who was born on July, it’s ironic that I also got diagnosed with a chronic illness.

It’s important that we have these months to bring awareness to all spaces in life.
Chronic illnesses are lifelong conditions that are leading causes of death and disability all across the world. Many people suffer from a form of chronic illness.
These people deserve to be heard and their stories told.

My story dealing with chronic illness:

When I was a little girl and I first got my period I suffered from a lot of pain and a lot of heavy bleeding. My periods were irregular, I would bleed for eight days straight, stop for a week and then bleed again. I would pass out consistently during my period from the pain I was in and I thought all of this was normal. I went to the doctors and I found out that my heavy bleeding had been a main factor that caused me to become an Iron deficient anemic (my blood didn’t have enough healthy red blood cells or hemoglobin to carry oxygen through my body). As a kid I was in and out of hospital visits and I had a special diet that I had to follow (I still do to this day).

As I got older I learned how to control my period and how to be more regular. For a while I was on birth control because I was an athlete and thought I ‘needed’ to miss periods from time to time. When I got off the pill it took my body a while to adjust but I got my period back and it was a lot less heavy, especially after I fixed my anemia.
However, I still had severe pain and cramping during my periods and I would feel really terrible after very intense exercising.
Up until January 2026, I was completely unaware that I had developed a chronic illness.

In January, I was rushed to the hospital in the middle of the night due to severe pain that was making it unbearable to move and walk. I was immediately put into the ER, during which the doctors found a swollen appendix that I would then need surgery to remove.
I spent a total of five nights at the hospital, in which I also underwent surgery to remove my appendix.

After my appendix surgery, the surgeons came to visit me to deliver me some news. Turns out, when they were operating on me, they put a camera inside me to check my other organs for any other issues they missed during the blood tests. While they found no issues with my organs, they did find something else. The surgeons found traces of endometriosis in my body, especially around my uterus and lower stomach.
I learnt that my endometriosis was very close to some of my other organs, which meant it wasn’t just in one area, it was spread out and while I didn’t have a lot at the current moment, it looked like it would be growing and becoming more painful. They didn’t perform surgery to remove the endometriosis because it was too small and they were worried that if they removed it now, they might accidentally cut/harm any neighbouring organs.
As they explained this, they also told me the many complications I now faced with this new fact in my life. I was no longer allowed to do super intensive sports such as fencing, I had to avoid certain foods (otherwise I would inflame my endometriosis), I had to ‘take it very easy’ during my periods because I would now be in severe pain and I had a very high possibility of being infertile. The surgeons also explained that my condition had been growing and it would explain why I would faint a lot during my periods.


Post-surgery, I had to take six weeks of bed rest. During this time, I spent a lot of time thinking and reflecting.
I spent those six weeks also coming to terms with my endometriosis and what my life would look like. It was an emotional six weeks, one that definitely burns into my memories. I spent a lot of time crying. I am quite an emotional person I admit, but my tears were more than just sadness. The tears I cried were tears of acceptance. I had to accept the reality that I might never be able to have my own children (not something that every patient with endometriosis will have, the condition is on a spectrum). While there are so many ways I could have a child, such as IVF ect, I guess it still felt like I was losing a big part of myself I would never get back.
I had to face the fact that I couldn’t go back to being a high-performing fencer. I loved fencing and I gave up a lot in my life for the sport. I would now have to rearrange my life in order to accommodate my condition. Instead of just having my period, I would come to dread it and the pain it causes me.
However, I am known to be a very resilient girl, so I made do with what I had and I rearranged my life the way it needed to be rearranged.
I changed my view of the world and I came into a very different type of mindset.

When I started my classes again after my summer break, it was challenging, especially since my illness seemed to be growing a lot faster than expected and I started getting flare ups outside of my periods. I had to explain to my professors why I missed certain classes, why I took long bathroom breaks and why I needed extensions for my assignments.
Dealing with this painful illness did make it hard to do assignments, especially during my periods since I would wake up with so much pain all I could do was lay down for the whole day or I would get so tired randomly throughout the day.
I didn’t give up on my academics and I didn’t take my surgeon’s advice to do part-time university instead of full time. Looking back, I can see why my surgeon suggested I do part-time university. If I wasn’t who I was, if I wasn’t Lili, I wouldn’t have been able to handle dealing with my academics, classes and my condition all at the same time. I had burnouts and days when I would cry for no reason just because I was stressed. I would be in so much pain to the point where I couldn’t walk ten meters without feeling like I needed to pass out and throw up at the same time.
I however, did make it past the first semester with flying colours and amazing grades.
I had a very wonderful support system. My family were only a phone call away when I needed them, my dad would cook food for me to bring back on the weekend so I would have a quick meal to heat up if I couldn’t cook, I saw my friends consistently and grew very close to them after a fall out with another close friend of mine who caused me a lot of distress to the point were my body was so stressed it inflamed my endometriosis and I would start getting flare ups more regularly outside of my menstruation. My roommates were so patient and understanding with me and my boss was very supportive of me and would do certain things to make sure I wasn’t getting too stressed out. Without my support system I wouldn’t be in this happy abundant headspace I am, especially with my condition.

As I begin the second semester, I am just so grateful to be human and be alive. Sure my life pathway looks very different from how I imagined it would be, but in all honesty, it’s a lot better. Yes I am dealing with pain and yes I would much rather not have to deal with it, but I still wouldn’t change a single thing about myself or my life. I love where I am and I definitely came out of a very dark place shining brighter than the sun.

Endometriosis and why we need to care about it:

We often overlook endometriosis because there’s been a normalisation of pelvic pain to the point where people don’t take it seriously anymore. There’s also a systematic gender bias in medicine and a lack of funding for research.
Endometriosis is also very hard to get diagnosed with because it’s a condition which can only be identified under a knife (aka under surgery).

So what is endometriosis?
According to the World Health Organisation, Endometriosis is a condition where tissue similar to the lining of the uterus (endometrium) grows outside the uterus, usually on the ovaries, fallopian tubes, or pelvic surfaces. The exact cause of endometriosis is unknown, however, it is known that endometriosis can mimic cancer cells clinically and radiologically.

Clinically, endometriosis can present itself exactly like pelvic cancer.
Radiologically, endometriosis can form into masses that radiologically resemble ovarian cancer under imaging tests such as MRI’s ect.

Endometriosis pain.
When people with endometriosis say they are in pain, it’s a very different type of pain than just regular cramping. Endometriosis is often ranked 0-10 on different types of scales such as the Numerical Rating Scale (NRS). Endometriosis pain fluctuates, it also changes depending on your lifestyle and diet. When it comes to the ranking, people experiencing 0, often experience very little to no pain from endometriosis. 1-3 is where pain starts happening but it’s not severe and quite manageable. 4-7 would be considered moderate pain levels, this can also be considered heavy cramping and pain. Anyone experiencing 8-10 levels are experiencing A LOT of pain. This level would be considered the level where people would pass out from pain, get shots of pain down their legs and lower back and also feel as if they can’t do anything except be bedridden. Patients who experience levels 8-10 also experience cold sweats, chills, body shaking and what I would consider an emotional and physical state where you feel like you’re dying.
With no exaggeration, I do say to people that ‘I feel like I’m dying’ when I have a flare up.

I can still confidently say that the time I got stabbed on the chest near my throat, during fencing, that caused me to collapse on the ground with an open bleeding wound, hurt a lot less than my average period with endometriosis.
If that didn’t give you enough of a representation of the pain people with endometriosis suffer from, think about this, endometriosis is one of the top 20 most painful conditions in the world, it goes far beyond just typical period cramps.


So many people in this world deal with endometriosis, and the ones who have it and don’t get diagnosed with it are left to deal with it blindly. It’s a condition that needs much more medical attention and research.
What everyone who has endometriosis has to come to terms with is that there is no ‘cure’ when it comes to endometriosis. The only thing we can do is hope to get it surgically removed when we have enough of it. There is no magical pill we can take to get rid of the pain. We cannot just take paracetamol and call it a day, I know it doesn’t work for me. Paracetamol only stops the pain signals to the brain, not the underlying inflammation, nerve sensitivity and hormonal drivers in the disease, according to Julia Argyrou in the Epworth HealthCare research article Endometriosis Pain Management Guide.

It’s very important that people with chronic illness get represented to the same extent that gay people are. We should get the same level of attention too, which is why having a month dedicated to us is important for representation. I don’t want to feel tossed to the side, and my illness ignored just because not everyone is dealing with the same condition as I am.
July is an important reminder that these lifelong conditions affect millions of people daily, and I am one of them. While I might just be a stranger to you on the internet, I am my parents’ daughter, my older sister’s younger sister, my friend’s friend and my dog’s mum. I am someone.

If you are also someone who is dealing with a chronic illness, it’s important for you to know that you are not less of a human being because you have a condition. People with chronic illnesses matter, they deserve to be seen and their stories told.

With love,
Lili

The question of whether people should believe things without sufficient evidence has been a major issue in epistemology. W.K. Clifford and William James give very different answers. In “The Ethics of Belief”, Clifford argues that it is always wrong to believe anything on insufficient evidence. In “The Will to Believe”, James rejects this strict view. He argues that some situations require belief before sufficient evidence becomes available.
Clifford demonstrates why the principle of believing only in the presence of sufficient evidence is a protective principle that prevents people from falling into errors in their thinking. However, Clifford’s view is too strict. William James argues that there are situations in which people cannot wait to receive evidence to justify their beliefs. Therefore, James defends the position that it is permissible to believe in something without having sufficient evidence to support those beliefs, but only in limited situations.


Clifford argues that people should only believe claims that have sufficient evidence to support them. Clifford believes that forming beliefs is a moral activity because people’s beliefs will cause them to take certain actions. If people form beliefs without consideration for the possible negative impact on others, then it is a moral failing. Clifford uses the example of a man who owns a ship who plans to send the ship across the ocean. The shipowner knows that the ship is old and may not be safe. Despite the reasons to be concerned about the safety of the ship, the shipowner believes that the ship is safe and takes the risk of sending the ship despite his concerns. During the voyage, the ship sinks and the people on the ship die.

Clifford argues that the shipowner committed a moral failure due to his belief. The sinking of the ship is not the issue. The issue is that the shipowner formed his belief without considering the risk to others. Even if the ship had arrived at its destination safely, the shipowner would have still deserved blame for his belief. Clifford develops a general principle from this example: it is always wrong to believe anything based on insufficient evidence. Instead, people should investigate the claim behind a belief before forming it. People should not form beliefs without sufficient evidence, and they should not act as if they believe in something without sufficient consideration of the possibility of forming such a belief.

There are several strong points in Clifford’s argument. Firstly, evidence increases the probability that people will believe what is true. People often make bad choices when they believe what they want to be true, what feels good and true, or what they have been taught is good and true. Evidence would help people avoid falling into these types of deception. If people care about believing in what is true, evidence would be the best ally.

Secondly, Clifford points out that peoples’ beliefs have consequences for others as well. People share their beliefs with friends and family. People learn their beliefs from the society around them. If people are allowed to believe what they want, many can be led to believe things that are false or harmful. False beliefs about medicine can cause people to waive lifesaving medication. Untrue political statements can sway elections and policies. Clifford argues that we have a responsibility to get this right.

Lastly, Clifford reminds people that beliefs are habits. When people make a habit of accepting things as true without evidence, they are training themselves to be poor critical thinkers. Once people get in the habit of believing things, they’ll likely continue to believe other things without evidence. However, if people examine the evidence before believe things, they can become good critical thinkers over time.

In today’s world, Clifford’s arguments seem quite prescient. Modern communications and technology allow information to spread faster than ever before. False claims can be shared to thousands of people within minutes. In such a world, Clifford’s evidentiary demands are actually quite fair. If everyone checked the evidence before sharing any information, people might just avoid many problems. For these reasons, Clifford asks people to think hard before believing things on insufficient evidence. Enough good evidence protects individuals from error and shields society from the dangers of harmful untrue beliefs.

Despite Clifford’s view being strong, the position does have an issue. His rule seems to be too strict. People do need to make decisions before there’s sufficient evidence is presented. General life doesn’t always give you opportunities to investigate and find evidence. In some cases, people might have to choose despite uncertainty.
Thinking about the decision of trusting another person. When people begin a friendship or relationship, they often don’t have enough evidence that’ll guarantee that the other person is trustworthy. If they were to use Clifford’s view and wait until they had all the evidence, the relationship or friendship might never happen. Most of the time, trust requires an amount of commitment before certainty happens.
The same issue would be shown in career decisions.
People often act under uncertainty because waiting for full certainty with evidence is impossible and costly. Clifford might state that people should hold judgement until the evidence improves. However, this response doesn’t work in every scenario. Sometimes, choosing not to decide effectively count as making a decision. If a person chooses not to trust anyone until certainty comes, they might lose opportunities that would never come back. This issue is what separates Clifford from Jame’s criticism.

James argues that Clifford focuses too heavily on avoiding false beliefs. According to James, inquiry serves two goals. The first goal is to believe truths. The second goal is to avoid errors. These goals sometimes conflict. A person who tries very hard to avoid mistakes may miss opportunities to discover important truths. A person who takes more risks may discover more truths but also make more errors. James believes that Clifford places too much weight on avoiding error. He argues that this preference reflects a personal value judgement rather than a universal rule of reason. James claims that some decisions force people to choose even though the evidence remains inconclusive. In these cases, refusing to believe may prevent a person from reaching the truth. To explain this idea, James describes what he calls a genuine option. A genuine option has three features. First, it is live. The choice must seem possible to the person making it. Second, it is forced. The person cannot avoid choosing because refusing to choose effectively counts as a decision. Third, it is momentous. The choice involves important consequences or unique opportunities. When all three conditions exist and evidence cannot settle the issue, James argues that people may allow practical considerations to guide belief.


James believes that some truths only become apparent after a person commits to a certain belief. Friendship is one of the best examples of this idea - two people must trust each other before they have evidence of the trustworthiness of the other; if they did not trust each other under the assumption of friendship, the friendship would never have started. James believes that many important decisions require people to commit to a belief before they can determine if the decision was justified. Thus, he believes that the concept of evidence preceding belief is not always applicable to important decisions in people’s lives. People may have to take a leap of faith and make a decision without certainty as to whether the decision was the best in the world. For James, the best example of such an idea is the concept of religion and beliefs in a God. People will never find conclusive evidence for the existence of God. If people wait until they have all the evidence before committing to a belief in God, they may miss the benefits that such a belief could provide to their lives. Thus, James believes that it is permissible to believe in God despite the lack of certainty in evidence of its existence. Overall, this argument from James is helpful in that it shows people that there are decisions in life that require commitment to a belief before finding certainty in whether or not the belief is valid.

One of the problems for James is that his position allows for wishful thinking to replace the need for finding evidence to support a belief. People often want to believe in certain things. The practical reason behind someone believing in something can justify the need for people to believe in a certain idea - it will make them feel better if they believe it. The example of the shipowner illustrates this point. The shipowner felt that believing the ship was safe was better for him than investigating the problem, as it would have cost him time and money. Most people would agree that the shipowner’s feelings were irresponsible, despite the practical reasoning behind his belief.
James could also counter with the argument that the ship owner was aware of the information available and chose to ignore it. Unlike defending a belief against the evidence; James chooses to defend belief if there is still evidence missing and you are in need of making a decision as soon as possible. By doing so, James can potentially deflect at least some criticisms, but he now introduces new challenges.
A major problem exists when determining whether there is actually “insufficient” evidence or whether the individual has chosen not to look further into the matter. At times, it can be difficult to distinguish between responsibly committing oneself to a certain course of action vs. wishfully thinking. Therefore, James’ method will likely lend itself to abuses; individuals will use the notion that “the circumstances demand” the necessity of a belief as a justification for avoiding evidence.

Evidence should represent the normal means by which we form our beliefs. We ought to thoroughly investigate claims and refrain from accepting propositions simply because we find them comfortable or convenient. On the other hand, if evidence cannot address an issue, if an inevitable decision needs to be made, and if commitment toward an idea might lead to revealing additional aspects of that idea; then it can be rationalized to hold onto a belief based upon insufficient evidence.
In essence, my proposed model seeks to capture Clifford’s preoccupation with responsibility, while simultaneously recognizing James’ observation that many truths require commitment prior to being accessible.


The most convincing conclusion lies somewhere between these two positions. People should base their beliefs on evidence. Evidence is the best guide to establishing the truth. However, it is also permissible to hold a belief that is lacking in sufficient evidence to support that belief if the evidence is unavailable, if the decision cannot be avoided, and if the belief is essential for creating the possibility of discovering the truth. Therefore, while beliefs should normally be based upon evidence, it is sometimes permissible for a person to have beliefs that lack in sufficient evidence to support those beliefs.

References

Clifford, W. K. (1877). The ethics of belief. In T. Madigan (Ed.), The ethics of belief and other essays (1999 ed.). Prometheus Books.

James, W. (1896). The will to believe. In The will to believe and other essays in popular philosophy. Longmans, Green, and Co.

When someone hurts you, and I mean really hurts you, it’s a very normal and common response to be visibly angry and create this distorted image about them in your head because your emotions are clouding your judgement. However, every time I reflect on someone’s behaviour towards me, after some time, I realise that they aren’t as bad of a person I had once thought them to be. The sad part about being emotionally literate is that I can’t then continue to act as if that person was the most horrible human being.

I don’t feel any better about myself when I withhold my love or reasoning towards someone. Yes, I can feel and express my distaste towards someone for hurting me, but it’s also true I can engage in empathy and see that the other person is also a hurting individual.

I’m not a bitter person, and I try to practice the art of forgiving and letting go because I know it’s NEVER worth it.
So yes, I can never form a solid opinion of someone, especially if it’s someone who I held a lot of love for.

Have you ever been in a situation where you’re talking about someone who did something terrible towards you to your friends, and when they start spitting out the classic lines ‘s/he is a bad person’ and you find yourself agreeing with them, when in your mind you think about all the good things that person has done, all the times you spent together and the love and support you’ve shown that person? This happened to me recently.

When I was going through a bad friendship breakup, I felt crushed inside. After the storm blew over, I found myself reading one of her articles in which she talked about her already distancing herself from me and mentally checking out of the friendship long before it ended.
One of my close friends had read the article, and they had realised how it explained her strange aggression and dismissiveness towards me.
I think that’s what got to me, the fact that she already knew she wasn’t going to make our friendship last and jumped at the first opportunity to end it. What confused me was not only how she went about it, but how she had been the one to feel guilty for hurting me and then instantly said she didn’t want to be my friend anymore because she got angry at me for being angry at her. If she didn’t want to be my friend long before our fallout, she could have communicated that with me.
But even so, after all that, I still can’t form a solid opinion of her.
She did mean a lot to me, and I did consider her one of my close friends. Yes, I believe she has faults, and that we’re not meant to be friends, but I don’t think she’s a terrible person. I know she’s a reactive person but she still wants to be a nice person.

Now, not forming a solid opinion of someone is not the same as making excuses for them. Take for example, my friendship breakup.
I am not making any excuses for her behaviour and how weird she was with me and lying to my face. However, I acknowledge that I’m hurt and my hurt feelings have influenced my perception of her. Despite this I still know that the girl is someone deserving of love and a full life.
This is everyone’s first time living and everyone is bound to make mistakes, especially young girls, even at the expense of others.

I don’t do revenge, I’m not a vengeful person and I don’t believe in ‘getting my lick back from someone’. I know that the world is a cruel and violent place and it doesn’t benefit anyone to add more cruelty and violence (unless it’s to take down a corrupt government).

By the way, this doesn’t just apply to serious situations, think about the more mundane examples. (If anyone has watched Love Island USA), I wasn’t a fan of Cierra from season 8 when her racist behaviour was exposed on the internet. However, before I knew about her drama, I really liked her character on the show and she seemed intelligent. Afterwards, I wasn’t much of a fan, and as an asian women, I was offended and thought her careless behaviour in the past hurt and offended the asian community. Despite that, it was not okay for ICE to be called to her home, and I did have sympathy for her. So yes, while her commentary was not okay in any form, she apologised online to the asian community, she educated herself, took accountability and chose to be the better person. Again, it’s small actions like that, that make me weigh out the good and bad. The bad being my hurt feelings towards her racist comment and the good being my sympathetic self acknowledging Cierra for being apologetic.

Everyone is a complicated individual, dealing with their own complicated life in a complicated world.
People are water, they change and adapt and often mutate depending on their environment. Water can be as rough as the sea during a storm, or as calm as a stream. It depends on what you’ve witnessed. If you’re scared of seawater because all you know is chaos, then that’s all the sea will ever be to you, but if you’ve experienced the calm oceans that take you to new destinations, then you know the sea isn’t always bad. Therefore, if that’s the case, the person who hurt me, can’t be a bad person all the time if I’ve witnessed them be a good person.

It’s important to note that not everyone is as bad as they seem, and oftentimes, the love that we have for that person clashes with our bad experiences with that person. It’s the heart and head fighting, and when they fight, we can’t have that solid opinion.

With love,
Lili

We live in a society and world where (depending on your geographical location) we’re given many options to get far in life (career wise), yet we still treat each other unkindly.
I often wondered why that is. Our economy is already expensive, so why tax on that more with our behaviour? Kindness is free. It’s one of the only free things we’re allowed to have.

I don’t understand why more people aren’t kinder, it’s not difficult to be nice and do nice gestures.
I watched this video on TikTok of this man who’s neighbour left him a note saying he closed his neighbours garage door because he noticed it open. This man went on to say that kindness is a transaction and I completely agree. It’s the most valuable thing and best ‘investment’ (if you want to call it that). You do something kind for someone and they’ll do something kind for you. Have you heard the saying ‘smiling is contagious’? It’s the same concept with kindness. The more kindness you show to the world, the more kindness spreads.
Now I’m not talking about ‘niceness’ because I believe that they’re two different things (I’ll write an article about that). Anyone can be nice, because being nice can be faked, being kind cannot, there has to be intention behind the action. Often with niceness, there’s an underlining intent, whether that be to manipulate someone or make a good impression. When it comes to kindness, it’s also selfless.

Now kindness show’s up in many different ways. It’s not just about doing a good deed for someone, it can also look like not rushing conversations and showing more compassion.
How many times have you been in a situation where you needed someone to show you a little bit of grace and mercy? I remember in high school I was about to hand in an assignment late because it had spaced my mind, and while I took full responsibility and owned up to it (not lied about why I didn’t finish my essay), my teacher showed me grace by giving me an extra day. It’s moments like that that really put things into perspective for me and linger on me.
I also find that even the smallest ounce of kindness can squash an drama or tension between people.
There was a time when one of my best friends and I weren’t friends. In high school, her and I had an argument which ended badly and caused our friendship to split. However we were still in the same accounting class and while we didn’t speak for a year, there was this moment when she got sick and I handed her a ginger lollie to help her and I gave her advice to drink plain English black tea with honey to sooth her headache.
While the interaction was brief, she can into class the next day better and thanked me for my advice. Soon after became friends again and the tension was immediately gone, she was grateful and we both realised it wasn’t worth holding onto any drama.


In everyday life, we also rely on strangers kindness. I think about how when you’re walking past a row of people to get to your seat, people still stand up or move their legs to let you go by. It’s these simple yet very generous gestures that makes our lives easier.
I wholeheartedly believe that when we’re kinder to each other, we create a sense of proper community and belonging.

The Mental Health Foundation wrote this amazing article called “Kindness matters guide” which talks about how kindness creates belonging. The Mental Health Foundation is a leading United Kingdom charity founded in 1949. They focused on preventing mental health problems by addressing their root causes. This article talked about how kindness creates this feeling of connection between humans and the more connection we feel through kind actions, the more we build friendships and micro communities.

It’s also important to note that when you do good deeds and you feel better about yourself, you also have a positive gain and that’s your self-esteem.
I often find myself trying to do more good deeds because I know I’ll feel better about myself. Now I can see how people would see that as selfish (and to an extent it is selfish), but that’s the beauty of kindness, it repels. Helping someone also helps you. While they get the physical help (e.g. help with assessments), you get the internal help (confidence and trust in character).
Now this is very different to overriding someone’s wishes because you want to feel better by doing good deeds. This would be considered a selfish factor. I had this friend who was turning sixteen and she didn’t want a big birthday party. My friend wanted a quiet birthday dinner but instead and her older step-sister threw her a party and even invited people she didn’t know. The older sister only did this because she wanted to feel better about herself and prove to herself she could do good things for her step-sister. However the intentions weren’t pure or selfless because she felt that her feeling of needing to know she was a good person over-ruled her step-sisters birthday wishes. In the end, it ended up with my friend in tears as she had a panic attack at the party.

Humans are selfish creatures, but because we have this amazing ability to engage in sympathy, we can intentionally go about our lives trying to do good.
I know and believe that a little help goes a long way. I still remember when my primary school teacher sacrificed her lunch times to sit in class and help me learn how to read and write. I still remember strangers who did kind things for me even though I never got their names. I remember the good things I do for others and use my past actions to hold myself to a higher standard.

Kindness goes beyond just good deeds and helping. Showing kindness can also look like being attentive when someone’s talking to you, being patient with someone, not going straight to judgement when you hear things about another person and also learning how to forgive and what it means to forgive.
Judgement is so fascinating to me because we use harmful cultures like ‘cancel culture’ to attack strangers online. We use judgement to feel a superiority that leads to behaviours of exclusion. We also use judgement to decisions that could alter someone’s life entirely (e.g. bullying).
As Constance Wu said “it’s important that we engage in curiosity and empathy before we go straight to judgement”.

If you need any more convincing to be kind, think about how people see you. We’re social creatures so public perception is important to most of us. Being kind gives you that social approval as others want to be around good people. You get a good reputation and people love people who they have a good impression off just by hearing about them.
Always remember, one of our greatest freedoms is how we show up in the world, so show up kind.

A few months ago I was having a conversation with some friends, and strangers, and we were discussing who was better, Plato or Aristotle. As the conversation grew, interruptions kept happening more frequently and people’s voices started to rise. It ended up being a yelling match with a passive aggressive tone. In the midst of all that chaos, I noticed that it wasn’t an argument anymore, but individuals struggling to be heard by one another. It was this great need to be heard that one of my friends slammed his hand on the table to get everyone’s attention (and their silence) so he could finally say what he wanted to say with everyone’s notice.

Todd Nelson, Ph.D., who was a professor of Psychology, specialising in prejudice and stereotyping, wrote an article called ‘To Be Heard and Seen’ on the website Psychology Today. In his article, Nelson talks about humans evolving to live in groups and needing social connection, which leads to all humans having an inherit need for respect, understanding, and to feel “seen and heard”. If someone were to not have that social connection that makes them feel heard, it could lead to self-doubt, lower self-esteem and mental-health challenges such as anxiety and depression.

Think about this, how would you feel if you are interacting with friends and/or family, everyone is talking about the same topic and you were never able to voice your opinions, because everyone else is speaking and won’t let you speak? You would probably leave that conversation feeling down and maybe even worse about everyone else and/or yourself. You could also feel that same sense of melancholy if you do get the chance to voice your opinions and then no one acknowledges you and/or goes back to talking to each other without addressing your thoughts.

I’ve found that people who want to be heard so badly - especially in debates/discussions - grow up learning quickly whether their idea’s, thoughts and stories are taken seriously or not. Childhood often shapes who we grow to be, and those who may come from a broken family or a neglected home, may have a stronger sense of needing to be heard from peers as they might not have gotten that from their families as children.

I noticed that my friends who weren’t actively participating in the conversation, but rather hung back and listened - they didn’t have that same sense of needing to be heard, wanting to speak, telling everyone their opinions and/or prove themselves - often came from good families or ‘warm homes’.
Side note: I use the term ‘warm homes’ to describe households where parents show a lot of love and support towards the kids. A place where there wasn’t much arguing/hostility between kids and parents and the children often have a positive outlook on their family situation and childhood (it has nothing to do with financial means).


Why I find this so interesting is because I think it might also extend further than just childhood. I think those who want to be heard in life are also people who aren’t very afraid of being judged. My friend who slammed his hand on the table to get everyone’s attention, is also a very confident person who’s unapologetically himself and cares very little for the judgement/opinions of others. My other friend, who didn’t participate in the conversation at all, (despite being a philosophy major student), would be considered more ‘insecure’ and definitely takes into consideration the judgement/opinions of others.


David P. Valentiner, John J. Skowronski, Patrick B. McGrath, Sarah A. Smith and Kerry A. Renner wrote an article called ‘Self-Verification and Social Anxiety: Preference for Negative Social Feedback and Low Social Self-Esteem’.
Published on Cambridge University Press website, the article argued how low social self-esteem in people can effect the way people interoperate and respond in social interactions. These types of people will often avoid speaking up as it causes them to be seen in social interactions, thus also being at risk of negative feedback, which psychologically to them, feels threatening. This patterned thinking leads to the avoidance of being heard in social settings.

These aren’t the only reasons as to why people want to be heard. It’s very true people may want to be heard simply because of a need to take control and power ect. The reasons I’ve talked about (childhood and lack of confidence) are the most fascinating psychological reason’s I’ve found in not only research but also from observation.

In conclusion, the need to be heard is inherit and varies depending on the individual, however wanting to be heard can be trained and it’s a want that’s developed.


Reference list (APA 7):

Nelson, T. (2023, October 3). To be heard and seen: The stigma of interpersonal invisibility. Psychology Today.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/us-and-them/202310/to-be-heard-and-seen

Valentiner, D. P., Skowronski, J. J., McGrath, P. B., Smith, S. A., & Renner, K. A. (2011). Self-verification and social anxiety: Preference for negative social feedback and low social self-esteem. Behavioural and Cognitive Psychotherapy, 39(5), 601–617.
https://doi.org/10.1017/S135246581100030

Mini note:

Thank you to everyone who’s taken the time to read this article, even if there’s only one reader, I’m vary grateful for you. This is my first ever article published on Substack. I was extremely nervous to publish this, as I am just one girl in what seems like a pool of amazing writers on this platform. Even though I was nervous at first, life is meant to be lived and that includes taking risks.

Sincerely,
Lili