I started writing on Substack in college as a fun way to send my long-distance friends updates about my life and to capture memories of living in Boston. I was quite an earlier adapter of the platform. I didn’t know there was a Notes section for a very long time. I would write my letters, post them, and then my friends would send me texts about how fun it was to read them. When I graduated college and started working as a songwriter in Nashville, I began posting more philosophical musings and essays that were much more researched and structured, as a way to keep the classroom alive postgrad. I always say that I think of writing as a faucet, and that I like to keep it flowing at all times instead of having to turn it on and off. I found writing on Substack was a great way to keep the faucet running outside of songwriting. I began to accrue some followers on here that weren’t my family and friends. I had a few comments and notes go viral. I was reading lots of work on Substack. I found some incredible people and fascinating writers.

What I also found was what you find on all social media. A false reality being passed off as truth. Outrage that would register as minuscule on a worldwide scale of calamity, but was being given the weight of something much more important. Resentment, self importance, complaining, negativity, more complaining, more negativity. Ultimately, Substack fell into the category that every other social media eventually falls into, something I call The Other World.

The Other World is not a world that I live in. It is a world were the social lives of Mark Zuckerberg and Elon Musk ruin someone’s weekend and determine levels of happiness. It’s a world were no one is reading and everyone is using AI. In The Other World, people hate their neighbors, there is no hope for anyone under the age of 35, everyone hates their job, no one is happy, political beliefs are less beliefs and more of a moral code, people don’t work hard, and life as we know it is over. Children are doomed to their screens, parents are worthless, America is failing, and the only sane thing to do is to talk circles around it all. Inhabitants of The Other World post first and think later, and they are so, so angry. They feel contempt strongly and are victims always. Victims of what? Any and everything.

I woke up today and I watched dawn break through the morning fog and November frost. When the sun finally pierced through and hit the changing leaves my breath caught at the beauty. I thought about how lucky we are to get autumn every year. How lucky we are that the world we live in decides to gift us such a beautiful backdrop to life.

These autumns seem to be coming and going at a faster rate as of late. Life is speeding up for me. I am a good patron of the Stoics, so I am very aware of the shortness of life, of the inevitability of the end. Why in the world would anyone want to spend any of their short time alive in The Other World when we have so much beauty and wonder in the real one? As I said, this is not a problem unique to Substack, it’s all social media. I’ve written about how I have a Brick that blocks all social media on my phone so I can only go on it for work on my computer, and I used to not have Substack included in that list. Once I felt the need to add it, I knew my time on the platform was coming to an end. Because I really am only interested in reality.

In reality, I dropped off cookies at my neighbors last night as a thank you for helping me carry my new bedside tables inside. In reality, I stopped at the park while on my walk to throw a touchdown to the group of little kids playing in a pick up game. I played cards at the bar with my friends and we got so many people asking to join we took over the whole back patio. I cried in a little venue with 100 other people during a concert two weeks ago and it felt really magical. Somebody dropped their coffee in a cafe yesterday, and me and five other people jumped up to help them. Strangers are actually wonderful people if you talk to them. Small talk isn’t annoying, it’s planting the seeds of community, and I’ll let you in on a little secret— if you can stop thinking about yourself for 10 minutes and become curious about others, it is unbelievably fulfilling to talk to people. Life is full of so much love. There is happiness and joy and passion and there is also sadness, but real sadness is never one dimensional. It’s never pure evil and annihilation. There is always a way out or something to be gained within it. In The Other World, there is no way out of their despair. It’s turtles all the way down.

This isn’t a hit piece against Substack, it’s just my realization that above all else Substack is a social media platform, and I have no interest in that. Am I going to stop posting my writing on here? Yes, most likely. If I feel like I have something important to share and feel compelled, maybe I’ll post. Not often, that’s for sure. But I am done scrolling. I’m done with the false community aspect. I have my newsletters that I’m loyal to and will continue to subscribe, but I have reached my content and news threshold. I cannot and will not consume more. I like having room for real life.

And also, I don’t really think anything I’m saying hasn’t been said before and won’t be said again. I am not offering anything that isn’t already being offered on here, and I think that can be said for about 50% of what I see online now. There is too much content and too many people who think their voice is unique when it’s not. My voice is not unique, but my life is, and I’d rather like to go live that life and stop talking about it to strangers on the internet. If anything, I think everyone reading this should cut the amount of people they follow/subscribe to in half. Why do you need to consume so much? The answer is you don’t. In fact, unfollow me!

There, that’s one less person you have to listen to. Hopefully it freed up some space for you to start finally listening to yourself.

I wanted to pop in quickly before June started steamrolling us all and give you my favorite books of 2025 so far.

I don’t know how many of you know this since I’ve gotten a decent amount of new subscribers, but I’m a songwriter who lives in Nashville. This week is CMA fest and I am slammed, so while I continue researching and writing my next letter, I wanted to give you this in the mean time.

I used to do monthly wrap ups until it started to feel very self important and strange to me for some reason, but I actually have gotten a few messages asking for my Goodreads or book recommendations so maybe a quarterly wrap up can be useful. I read 137 books last year, and these have been my 2025 reads so far:

I always like to say I’m the most eclectic reader ever. Anyway, let’s get to what you’re here for.

My Favorite Books of 2025 so far (these are not all 5 stars, and not all my 5 stars made this list. These are just A FEW of my favorites):

January

Nine Stories by JD Salinger (5/5)

JD Salinger is one of my top 3 favorite authors and I’ve read everything he’s ever published. There is a short story in this collection called Teddy and it took my breath away, mostly because it reminded me of one of my favorite books A Prayer For Owen Meany. I couldn’t imagine the author of that book not having read that short story and getting the book idea from that. I love when literature worlds collide. Couldn’t recommend this collection enough!

Sea of Tranquility by Emily St. John Mandel (4/5)

This was a really unique story that utilizes time warps and universal timelines in a simultaneously confounding and simplistic way— this confusion adds to the plot and does not take away which is a testament to the writing. Spanning different timelines, decades, and planets, this book still somehow stays extremely human within its themes.

February

The Myth of Sisyphus by Albert Camus (5/5)

This has been one of the most impactful books I’ve read in my entire life, and I actually ended up writing a whole post about it which you can find here, so I won’t delve in too much again. I will say I have this quote taped to my bathroom mirror so I can look at it everyday: “The struggle alone is enough to fill a man’s heart.”

It’s one of my favorite quotes ever.

Amusing Ourselves To Death by Neil Postman (4/5)

I actually also wrote about this book (a lot of my essays span from my readings) so you can read that here. I think you should 100% read Brave New World by Aldeous Huxley before you read this to make it a more impactful read since it is referenced quite a bit. This book will scare you straight about your unhealthy attachment to your phone, while also putting into perspective how there has always been scary new tech and there always will be.

March

The Will of The Many by James Islington (5/5)

This was the best fantasy I’ve read this year. I also read Red Rising this year and I didn’t think it was as good as Islington’s world. Both are inspired by the Roman Empire, but The Will of The Many allows you closer emotionally to the main character, and the scientific explanation of the fantasy elements were really believable and easy to digest. The ending of this book. Man, it’s one of the best I’ve read. I sat up straight with a shiver going down my spine for 30 minutes after, rotating from staring at the wall to rereading the last few pages. If you’re looking for an all-encompassing fantasy with incredible mystery and shocking factors, this is for you. Oh, it also takes place at a boarding school-esque type place so being raised on HP, those always seem to work for me.

The Order of Time by Carlo Rovelli (4/5)

Carlo Rovelli has been changing my life this year. This was the first of two of his books I ended up reading, and although it’s a scientifically based book, the ending made me cry from the way Rovelli softly pulls at your heart strings with the beauty of what our universe is. This book explores the concept of time, and I haven’t stopped thinking about it since.

April

Nothing To See Here by Kevin Wilson (4/5)

I did not think I was going to enjoy this book as much as I did. You are asked to immediately suspend your beliefs of the real world and buy into a world in which two young children spontaneously combust into flames when they get emotional. There isn’t much plot in this, besides the fire children, and while clearly unrealistic, the story was still steeped in the very familiar emotions all of us bumbling humans partake in. A quick read that has you closing the book wondering when you started caring for the annoying characters. But you just do.

Careless People by Sarah Wynn Williams (4/5)

My mom was the one who put this book on my radar, and since it’s being suppressed by Meta and Amazon, and the author is under a lawsuit rendering her unable to promote, it was a Lucky Day pick on Libby because Libby is the best. Boy, if you hate Mark Zuckerberg now you will really hate him after this. I have no strong political feelings towards him but just as a human being I find it difficult to grasp how a person can be so disconnected to the greater human effort to not cause harm to others for your own benefit. A really entertaining read, and while the author is quite obviously painting herself in a flattering light I think you can objectively understand she isn’t innocent while also acknowledging the truths she writes.

May

My Friends by Fredrik Backman (5/5)

Fredrik Backman is one of my favorite authors. I distinctly remember starting this book and having looked at the page number 12 and wondering how I had teared up and laughed already. This is the most personal of his books, and you can tell. I think the reason I love Backman so much is because he writes about people who feel unloveable, or unable to love others, so well. He captures shame on the page the exact way it shows up in real life. When his characters sigh, you feel the heave of their chest. When they smile, your checks ache. When they cry, you find teardrops on the pages. He has an inexplicable gift. I would recommend his trilogy Beartown as well, which is my favorite series I’ve ever read.

One Golden Summer by Carley Fortune (4/5)

I wanted to include this one so you don’t think I’m a snob who only reads Camus and JD Salinger. I actually really enjoy Carley Fortune’s books, but I can also acknowledge that if they didn’t take place in the stunningly gorgeous lake and ocean settings she chooses I probably wouldn’t like them as much. This was such a fun read and I was grinning a lot while reading it. I thought Charlie was a fantastic character and I like Alice enough, but really I think this that the crux of what makes this book good is that it drips with nostalgia, and nostalgia is fun to indulge in. If you’re looking for a good beach read this month this one’s for you.

Special mentions (three or above ratings):

• Sunrise on the Reaping by Suzanne Collins

• Tom Lake by Ann Patchett

• East of Eden by John Steinbeck

• Seven Brief Lessons of Physics by Carlo Rovelli

• The Paper Palace by Miranda Cowley Heller

• The Favorites by Layne Fargo

• Angela’s Ashes by Frank McCourt

• Walden by Henry David Thoreau

This is the Lesson Plan. At the end of each letter, I’ll link some areas of interest I’ve been exploring for you to click your way out, should you be interested. This will include books, movies, articles, podcasts, and more— whatever I’ve been consuming!

This Week’s Lesson Plan

Click your way out:

• This debate on YouTube was so entertaining and such a microcosm of a particular time in 2016. I don’t know why I was so rapt the whole time but I was.

• This article is fantastic. Another long one and a great way to strengthen your attention span.

• All I did last week was read East of Eden, so you should read it

• This podcast on revenge and forgiveness

• Like I said, it’s CMA fest this week and all I’m doing is writing and going to shows. Here’s the playlist I’ve been bumping.

You don’t write stories about boring characters because no one would read them.

Ever since I was little, I have always fallen in love with the characters I read and watch. As a child, I would try to be them, acting how I thought they would until I inevitably forgot to keep up the facade and faded back into my old self. But for a few weeks, I was Katniss Everdeen on my walks home from school, Ginny Weasley as I did my homework, Nancy Drew looking for clues at the park. Even now when I read or watch movies, I just find that certain habits get stuck on me. If the main character is drinking lots of green tea with honey and lemon, suddenly I find myself doing the same. This could be a family trait, as my Dad has the tendency to speak in a characters' accent after watching a movie, but I think that I am— like everyone else— just drawn to these fantastic characters who live these full and exciting lives. I couldn’t help it; they were smart and funny and interesting, like they must be if their story was to be told. 

Now, I don’t want stories written about me, but I want a life worthy of telling my kids about, and I want the person that I truly am to be someone just as worthy and interesting as the characters I love so dearly. For lack of a better term, I want to be a renaissance woman, brimming with knowledge and experience. I want to take careful stock of what’s influencing me and feed myself a diet of experiences that satiate me and leave me feeling full of hope and joy. 

I wanted to share here on Substack how I try to spend my time in a way that respects how valuable it is. I do feel the need to say that for about a month I have something called a Brick, and it really is a key part in giving me back my time. It essentially turns my phone into a flip phone, and I love it. You should get it. I brick my phone when I leave the house, and only unbrick it at home when I need to check something. It’s brought back fond memories of the days where the internet was accessible only from the family computer— I have to seek out the internet instead of having it at my beck and call. 

I saw Sinners in theaters a few weeks back, I went alone. It was my first time going to the movies in a while. Why hadn’t I been coming more? I asked myself as I left the theatre with goosebumps running up and down my arms. I got in my car and drove home while listening to the movie soundtrack, trying to organize what I had just seen in my mind. I knew I was missing some key parts that would tie the story together neatly. Why did he not renounce at the end? Was the vampire of it all necessary? I went home and read dozens of articles and essays about the movie, learned about the 1930’s and the blues, about the Jim Crow south and the old African American Hoodoo System, about The Great Migration and black soldiers in World War 1. I loved every minute of it. I went for a long walk listening to the soundtrack on a loop and I decided I needed to start going to more movies.

I then went to see Pride and Prejudice in theaters for its 20th anniversary theatrical rerelease. I went alone again, I love going to the movies alone, and I was grinning like a madman the entire time from the giddiness of seeing my favorite characters up on the big screen. I was in awe of the beautiful cinematography that I finally was able to witness taking up the space it deserved. The theater was empty— another matinee— so it was just me and beautiful music from Dario Marianelli, and Jane Austen was there as well, floating around the room. I went home and pulled out my copy of the novel, marred with my scribbles from the first time I read it. I started it again, because I wasn’t ready to leave that world yet. I had fallen under the influence of Austen and Joe Wright; they had made me think, made me feel so much. What an everlasting novel. This quote from the book stuck out to me as I read it this time, about pride: “Vanity and pride are different things, though the words are often used synonymously. A person may be proud without being vain. Pride relates more to our opinion of ourselves, vanity to what we would have others think of us."

This quote sent me further down a path of thinking that I had already been on, from when I had been researching the Gilded Age for a letter I wrote on my Substack. I learned about the ultra rich of the early 1900’s and the effect they had on American society. How perhaps their vanity could be mistaken for pride, and vice versa. It made me think how pride has always plagued humans, and how dangerously close it is to vanity. I saw how the rich of today and the early 1900’s both balanced this line of distinction, but one group seemed to have fallen into vanity more than the other. It was funny to me, how these two different areas of my interests had intertwined. 

I called my best friend Price on the phone. She lives in New York and while we text frequently, we don’t talk on the phone often, but I called her out of the blue while I was on a walk and we stayed on for about an hour. We send each other articles back and forth and while discussing one of them which was about political science and the identification through politics that is pervasive today, I recalled my earlier thoughts and brought up how interesting it is that our billionaires of today differ from those of the early 1900s. Back then, those men were selfish and morally grey but they had enough of a backbone to leave something of worth behind for the public to use for their benefit. Carnegie Hall, Vanderbilt University, Rockefeller Center. Art and monetary donations given to museums. All this, for the betterment of the people. Now, our billionaires are just as obsessed with their legacy yet lack the singular good bone in their body that is needed to create something for public education and use. Bill Gates may be the only exception. We talked about why that may be so. We exchanged ideas, and I thought how lucky am I to have a friend so smart and so interesting? 

I was glad that I possessed the knowledge required to have the conversation in the first place, happy that I had given so many hours to studying about The Gilded Age on my own, for having gone to the movie and rereading the book and finding the through lines that connected both. It had led me to an eye opening and deeply satisfying intellectual conversation with one of my best friends. It made me really happy.

My mom tells me that early on I loved school and learning, but I don’t remember that. All I remember is being scared to walk into certain classes, caught between three different lies about why my homework wasn’t done, and taking extended bathroom breaks to walk aimlessly through the halls trying to burn off time. If you had told me at this time last year while I was in my last month of college that I would voluntarily be taking online classes for my own personal interest in learning? I would have called you insane. Alas, here I am. After being taken outside of an academic setting and placed in the world of my career choice, I have been surrounded with a lot of incredible people, but also a lot of superfluousness of the unimportant. I knew I had to make sure I was challenging my brain, and like the washed up college athlete I am, I went about it in the only manner I know: Practice. 

Pick a topic, watch a documentary or read a book on it, and most importantly TAKE NOTES BY HAND. I got the Coursera app which contains FREE college courses that you can take, and this has allowed me to expand my education beyond the bounds of library books and PBS documentaries and learn from professors and masters of the subject. Currently, I am taking one on Roman art and archaeology and learning all about how Rome gained and lost power through the artifacts and art they left behind in their wake.

Now stay with me for a second. 

I was walking in Centennial Park recently, in Nashville where I live. I had stopped to read the historical plaques on the park grounds for the first time, and I saw a reference to the Panic of 1893. Because of my previous interest in the Gilded Age, I knew exactly what that plaque was talking about when referencing that event. I knew what caused it, the repercussions, and how the country was bailed out of it. I was able to contextualize what I was reading on the plaque with my previous knowledge and paint a more vivid picture in my mind of the history of this park. 

This may seem small and unimportant and stupid you. To me, it shows how powerful knowledge can be in expanding your worldview. I read the plaque and saw the Panic of 1893, and I became more interested. Because weeks prior, I had watched a documentary about the Gilded Age and had become interested in how it related to our present day. I was, above all else, interested. Small but powerful. Interestedness that can be compounded to create a different and more incisive world view.

Do you know what else is at Centennial Park? A replica of The Parthenon, the one I had just learned about in Module 2 of my Roman Art and Archaeology class. With fresh eyes courtesy of my class, I walked around the grand building, noting the fluting and the flat abacus and the placement of the triglyphs over the pillars. I was amazed that this park I walked a hundred times before had suddenly opened itself up in so many ways, giving me yet another thing to marvel at. 

There it was, the sly wink of an invisible thread being tugged once more. The world is vast and large and learning about it allows it to open up, but the converse happens as well. References click into place, art conveys a more meaningful backstory, plaques on buildings and memorials are tied to real people that you read and spent time with. You realize that we are all a part of one singular moment, and that time is not as linear as it seems. The world is small in all of its largeness.

There’s pleasure in seeing the world in a new light— in big and small ways. I became obsessed with golf this year, and I find myself laughing at how I used to call my dad and brothers crazy for golfing every weekend, and now I’m hitting balls in a rainstorm just to get some practice in. It’s silly, I know it is, but my new interest made me shift perspective. And you know what, it’s been fun to talk to them all about my swing mechanics and hearing about what they’re shooting in their recent rounds.

I have generally found in this past year that having more interests has made me more interesting, and has allowed me to connect with more people. I feel fulfilled in how I choose to spend my time because the payoff is so huge, getting back so many moments of joy and awe. I hope that maybe this gives you some inspiration to pick up a new hobby or book, go to see a movie in theaters, or take an online class. Just be interested in something, because I guarantee you it won’t stop there.

I am going to start doing something in my letters called the Lesson Plan. At the end of each letter, I’ll link some areas of interest I’ve been exploring for you to click your way out, should you be interested. This will include books, movies, articles, podcasts, and more— whatever I’ve been consuming!

This Week’s Lesson Plan

Click your way out:

• Carlo Rovelli’s Seven Brief Lessons on Physics— A short and sweet book that serves as an introduction to some of the most challenging scientific discoveries of human history. An extremely digestible read for someone looking to learn more about physics without needing a PHD to understand it.

• If you’d like to practice lengthening your attention span, make yourself a coffee or tea and cozy up on the couch to read one of the best articles I’ve read in a while. It’s long. 

• I went and saw The Sound of Music at my local historical movie theatre and it just seems to get better with age, you should rewatch it. On the other end of the spectrum, I also watched The Zone of Interest and it made me want to puke. Horrifyingly good.

• This Acquired episode about Starbucks was great: https://open.spotify.com/episode/4c0HfHEdkcaHLXyyM5KFAF?si=7jKpQRt6TAO8sSw4K_WZOA

• And this Malcom Gladwell episode was also great despite how he irks me: https://open.spotify.com/episode/6nX4nOsEPbsuEWMuIaX2JY?si=8inCXEntQSe0tz09UPRIlQ

• I just finished Tom Lake by Ann Patchett, it was a wonderfully lazy read that flows along like a river on a summer day. I enjoyed it a lot. I just started Sunrise on the Reaping because I feel I owe it to my 12 year old Hunger Games obsessed self.

• I love Honor Cargill-Martin, and she expertly walks the reader through some beautiful Roman treasures and explains their history in this essay

The Gilded Age was a time in the United States that spanned from 1870 to 1900, earning its name from the prosperity that seemingly shone bright from all corners of American industry. Carnegie was creating exorbitant wealth with his steel company, JP Morgan was shaping and controlling Wall Street— gaining so much capital and power at one point that he was able to bail out the entire country of the US during the Panic of 1893– and Vanderbilt was lining the country with railroads, which in turned lined his pockets tenfold. Vast fortunes were being gained and the US was obtaining the reputation of being the juggernaut of industry worldwide. But the notable American historian Nell Irvin Painter put it best: “Gilded is NOT ‘golden’... It is a shiny patina covering something else.. a shiny exterior and the rot underneath.”

In reality, with immigration to the US jumping up to almost 12 million in between 1870 and 1900, these tycoons had so many people begging for work that they were able to get away with paying them unlivable wages. Children were working 12 hour factory shifts. People were sleeping in the police stations, unable to pay rent. Out west, farmers were tasked with paying the fee to export their goods on the railroads and had to take out loans and mortgage their houses. Both political parties of the US seemed to have forgone the people and instead had put individual wealth ahead. They were pro-business above all else.

While researching the Gilded Age, it was clear to me what may have become clear to you now— it is not a foreign concept to have billionaires in this country while others struggle to have enough to survive. History does not repeat, but it rhymes. It is cyclical. There is always pain and suffering, and it can feel oppressive. This is another version of Sisyphus pushing his boulder, something that I wrote about before. It is another challenge in finding the correct way to respond to troubles and challenges that seem to be unbeatable.

Every generation seems to think that it is uniquely suffering in ways unknown to the previous one. The world evolves and moves quickly, yet life is and always will be filled with hardship and suffering. I look at the Gilded Age and their suffering and I see how it could be so similarly equated to what we are going through now. But then I look at the differences as well.

We do not have children working in factories in this country. We have indoor plumbing and air conditioning, laundry machines, packaged food, cellphones, air travel, modern medicine. We have automated so much of our industrial work that we no longer have to send both men and women into factories for 14 hour shifts where they will inhale toxic chemicals and be exposed to a variety of carcinogens and harmful bacteria. People aren’t being crushed to death while laying down railroads, and limbs are not being shredded in heavy machinery. And yet... we say we suffer the same, if not worse. It seems that we humans are intrinsically hardwired to continue to move the baseline of happiness farther and farther away.

This month, I took the infamous Yale course The Science of Well-Being taught by Laurie Santos through Coursera. This course was extremely helpful for someone like me who had done a lot of reading and research on the spiritual and philosophical musings of happiness, because this class offered stone cold scientific proof through experiments and research of how someone can accomplish happiness. There is an astounding lack of diversity in what makes someone happy. Money, material goods, beauty, status— these are all fruitless endeavors for someone seeking true happiness. True happiness comes from talking to strangers on the train (Epley and Schroader 2014), from experiences over material goods (Howel and Hill 2009), from valuing time over money (Dunn et al. 2016). Tom Wilson and Dan Gilbert have done incredible research into why we are so bad at measuring how much enjoyment we will get out of something in the future; our intuition isn’t very accurate and our minds don’t think in absolutes, it uses reference points. News flash for us all: our reference points are completely off.

While we used to only be able to enviously compare our situation to those within our communal circles, social media has allowed us to enter the worlds of celebrities and influencers at an unprecedented level. When you watch AD house tours and reality TV, you are inevitably comparing your own living situation to the ultra rich and famous (O’Guinn et al. 1997).

What we need is a reference point reset. We think that if we are not living like the Kardashians or the influencers we obsessively follow, we aren’t as happy or well-off. Instead of looking at the incredible marvels of the modern world and how we benefit from them daily, we bitch and moan about how we have to work cushy office jobs and don’t have enough PTO. Screw the 12 year olds who worked in the factories in the early 1900s who would’ve thought they hit the lottery if they were able to work a desk job, I want to buy a mansion at age twenty five or my life is a failure! Quite a predicament we’ve gotten ourselves into.

This is all to say that we can blame the situation all we like. We can live in our If Onlys, thinking that if only things were better, easier, prettier, then we’d be happy. But we are in the better and easier times. This is the advanced and magical future that so many before us could only dream of.

What this shows me is that our happiness is not reliant on anything external. There is no outward attachment that we can hang our happiness on. It must come from within. It must be something you choose despite hardship and difficult circumstances. And once you’re able to harness it, I swear to you, you will begin to look at all of these people unknowingly choosing suffering and realize how much time they are wasting on complaining and toiling away in their misery. And you will suddenly find yourself a lot more free, a lot lighter.

Don’t you see what an advantage positivity can be in the world we are currently living in? If you can embrace all of the good fortune that this day and age offers us and marry that with an existentialist outlook on life— one where you live by your own true standards and not those of others— then you have freed up your time and mental headspace from the constant churn of comparison, negativity, despair, doubt, and victimization that dominates so many people today.

I pride myself on my positivity. While it may seem easy, I believe that choosing to be positive is the harder choice in life. It is easy to be negative when you look at it evolutionarily: Our brains are programmed to be constantly scanning for threats at all times, harkening back to our days of predator vs prey. This was a great mental tool back when we were being chased by lions, but not so much anymore. People are anxious not just because of modern stresses, but because our brains are actively trying to think of worst case scenarios that could occur in the future in order to best protect us. So choosing to fall into these false guesses of future problems and succumbing to negativity is the easier option because it is the natural option. To actively acknowledge and fight against the wiring of our brains is more difficult. To choose positivity and to live only in the present moment is the harder option. But think of how much of an advantage it will give you. Gone will be unnecessary fear and doubt, replaced by a calming peace of the here and now.

Sure, problems are relative to those suffering them, but if you take offense to me calling out the flimsiness of your current life problem, perhaps that means your identity is tied too closely with that problem. I say this to myself as much as to anyone reading this. I am not positive all the time, and I can find myself in a spiral of despair. I am not trying to erase this event from happening, but simply shorten the amount of time it takes for me to snap back and realize that I am falling into the trap my brain creates. You can’t prevent negativity, but you can try to shorten its lifespan.

Choosing positivity gives you an edge, because you are thinking clearly while others are not. Right now is the best it’s ever been. We are living in the best time. If you can wake up to that fact and embrace it, you have freed yourself from an immensely heavy burden that we have falsely placed on ourselves and you will flourish.

• If you would like to delve into what happiness is when it’s devoid of any attachments, I recommend reading The Way To Love by Anthony De Mello

• All referenced studies and experiments are part of The Science of Well-Being: A Yale Course taught by Laurie Santos (for free!) on the Coursera app, and I linked each individual study as well if you wish to delve further into one topic.

• Most of my research on The Gilded Age is from this brilliant PBS documentary as well as a few supplemental articles that can be found here

I recently read a book called Amusing Ourselves To Death by Neil Postman, after seeing it be referenced on Jonathan Haidt’s Substack After Babel. Written in 1985, this book is all about the side effects that occurred when show business and entertainment began to permeate our news, public discourse, and lives. Reading it now in 2025, it is obvious how ahead of his time Postman is in predicting that while we as a society were concerned with not falling into an Orwellian world of 1984, we slipped without protest or notice into the lesser known novel of the time, Brave New World by Aldous Huxley. A world where, if you have not read, people passively uphold an Authoritarian rule due to their pacification through ample amounts of pleasure. We are now in world where we have been numbed by the pleasure that is thrown into our faces at every turn.

If you know me or have read any of my newsletters, you may think this is where I delve into how technology and social media has only added to what television began to do in the 80s, turning everyone with a front facing camera into a celebrity, and blurring the line between life and entertainment until there is no longer any distinction. And while yes, this is all true, and I do think it’s abhorrent how we are drowning in entertainment and pleasure, I want to touch on something a bit different first. About the difference between pleasure and happiness. We have pleasure at the tips of our fingertips 24/7, so why is no one happy?

Postman is coming at the rise of television and technology as a degradation of news, but the same arguement can be applied to the degradation on positivity and happiness in our world. Something I have been so shocked and appalled by in the past few years is the permeation of negativity that seems to be infused in everyone and everything. I open Substack or the New York Times or Wall Street Journal, and every other article is chock full of complaints, negativity, and spewing blame onto themselves and others. The countless articles about how our generation has either caused a downfall or is the victim of one. There is an air of defeat that lingers in so much of what I see online, and if someone like me who is not spending much time online can see and feel this, I cannot imagine what it must be like to be actively engaging in it all.

Negativity is everywhere, and although we are numbed with pleasure— scrolling, purchasing, watching (but not for too long, you’ve gotta keep scrolling!), comparing, eating, drinking, drugging, politicizing, diagnosing— it is a surface level pleasure that cannot become skin deep, because it is not true happiness occurring for the betterment of the individual.

Our minds are so powerful, and yet so malleable. Ellen Langer is a phenomenal psychologist who has made a career of looking at the processes of the mind and how they directly correlate to how someone feels, how someone does, and the level of life satisfaction they have. Her abundant research has suggested adamantly that mindfulness—the process of actively noticing new things — reduces stress, unlocks creativity, enhances performance, improves health, and increases life satisfaction. And what is the antithesis to mindfulness? Social media, scrolling, and endless exposure to quick fixes of news.

I couldn’t recommend Langer’s books, or her episode on Huberman Lab enough (she really puts Andrew in his place). She has so much wisdom in how the mind controls our reality. Phones, however, take a lot of that power away. They don’t allow your to actively notice new things, because it’s throwing a thousand things at you all at once. I would take it a step further and also say that phones and social media have made people less inclined to be informed on the past and the experiences that came before us, which I think aids in the negativity we all feel, because we feel alone in the world, experiencing new hardships that we think others have never had to deal with before.

There is no doubt that the mind is feeling frayed and overwhelmed, and it would be foolish to think that this does not effect so many other aspects our lives. So getting offline will help you feel more positive, but I think there’s another way that people can begin to regain the trust that we are not in a doomsday scenario uniquely filled with modern day troubles. I once again, as I‘ve done before, urge everyone to look to the literature and speeches and the great minds of past decades and find solace that there is and will always be hardship.

A small example: in the past few months after falling head over heels in love with Franny & Zooey by J.D. Salinger, I went on a rampage of reading all of his work. Then, I went to a second hand book store near me to pick up a copy of Franny to mail to a friend, and came across a book published in 1962 titled Salinger, which was a critical and personal portrait of Salinger and his work. I’m currently making my way through it, and one of the reviewers is making a point about how Holden Caulfield from Catcher in the Rye was painted by many at the time “as an exponent of the Angry Young Men’s revolt against all politics”. Having never heard of this, I did some research and came to find that there was a movement, or trend, of Angry Young Men’s literature in the 1950-60s that revolted against all the accepted norms and ideals of the current time, with the hero typically being a working-class male expressing his dissatisfaction towards social ills with excessive anger and sardonic humour.

Sounds pretty familiar to me, what with every other article in 2025 being about the alt right pipeline that has rigged young men’s minds to fall down the rabbit hole of victimization.

Once again, this is all to say, as my Dad told me yesterday, that history may not repeat itself, but it rhymes. It may not be the exact same pattern of the past, but there are always similar experiences. Time and time again we think we have reached Armageddon, but if we only put down the phone that is spewing every single event that happened yesterday and instead learned about what happened years ago, I’d argue you would be better equipped to deal with the problems at hand. Instead, we have become inebriated by the dumb news of today and yesterday, and have stopped looking at the incredible feats we humans have overcome and gotten through.

Postman makes this point perfectly:

“... the modern mind has grown indifferent to history because history has become useless to it; in other words, it is not obstinacy or ignorance but a sense of irrelevance that leads to the diminution of history. Television’s Bill Moyers inches still closer when he says, “I worry that my own business . . . helps to make this an anxious age of agitated amnesiacs. . . . We Americans seem to know everything about the last twenty-four hours but very little of the last sixty centuries or the last sixty years.” (P. 136-137)

I have so much faith in humanity, in my country, and in my fellow people. But in order to latch on to the faith and positivity that is very much in your grasp, you have to pick your head up and zoom out. All hope is not lost; this isn’t the first time there has been a major shift in politics or culture or society. There is so much unknown, but wouldn’t you rather ponder the unknown in hopes of coming up with reasoning and solution rather than bury yourself under the sand?

This is where, once again, I will have to point towards social media as the source of this negativity and inability to confer with history and allow ourselves to find the light at the end of the tunnel. We consume endless content, most of it steeped in negativity, even if you don’t see it. I don’t care how smiley the influencer is, if they’re telling you what they bought and how they look and what they eating, you’re probably comparing yourself to them. Is that healthy? Everyone on the planet has read Anxious Generation by Jonathan Haidt at this point, and the data is abundantly clear: young women suffer the most from social media. We have the data that proves of spikes in depression, anxiety, self harm, eating disorders, you name it, that occurred when social media took off.

Morally, I don’t think I could ever be an influencer. This word we’ve gotten so used throwing around— influencer. You are influencing people’s lives. You are changing the way they view the world, and the way they view themselves. Do not kid yourself into thinking you aren’t doing harm. And this isn’t a call out, because anyone who has an instagram in this day and age is now a quasi-influencer. We post our best selves so people can measure up their worst selves. We revel in the disparity between us and the lesser.

The same goes for the news and our political cycle itself. Postman says, “The news elicits from you a variety of opinions about which you can do nothing except to offer them as more news, about which you can do nothing”. The news cycle that we have today is a hamster wheel that renders us all useless to make any real change or think any real thoughts because we are immobilized by the inundation of data. Tell me please, what do you personally expect to do about the Israel-Palestine conflict? Now what if instead of pontificating about it online, you went and volunteered at a local food bank? Do you see how ridiculous it is to partake in things that only serve to harm you?

By amusing ourselves to death, we make it harder to find and create experiences that we can mindfully partake in, therefore making it more difficult to find true joy. If you want to find happiness, you have to step outside of the online maze and create joy, because no one is going to do it for you. Look to the past, look to your friends and family who are real and who love you. Don’t let this pleasure system that has rigged the dopamine in our brains to believe that being numb is good enough to get through. The world is not as bad as your phone is making it seem, and we are resilient. We have been able to find community and love and joy through much worse than what we have right now. Revel in that and join in on the fun. Be happy, not numb.

• I always try to link all of the resources referenced within the article, but the Salinger novel seems to be out of circulation and only ever printed in 1962.

• I accessed the Angry Young Men’s journal article through my University account but am happy to send to anyone interested who does not have access!

I remember the first time I realized I was going to die. I was in fourth grade, in the car on the way to school running about 20 minutes behind as me and my four brothers always were. I remember staring out the window and seeing the streaks of green grass pass me by, so it must’ve been spring time, and I remember the thought, uninvited with no explanation as to why it chose now to read its ugly head, speeding into my mind like a meteor crashing down into earth: One day I am going to die. One day I will be underground, because I’ll be dead. I remember the panic that clawed at my throat and the way my heart pounded and stomach dropped. All reminders that I was living, breathing, had blood coursing through me. And that one day that would all stop.

Ever since then, I’ve thought about death quite often. I wake up in a jolt in the middle of the night, sick to my stomach at the fact that no matter what I do I will cease to exist on this Earth someday. There was a stressful period of my life where I fixated so deeply on death that I began dreading going to sleep at night, the feeling of slipping away into unconsciousness felt too close, it sent a shock of terror down my body every time I tried— will that be what it feels like, what it is? Light and then darkness?

In the past few years, I’ve began to lean heavily on philosophy to try and give myself more of an understanding of this line of thought, of what life means if death is imminent. It lessens the crushing weight when I can see my thoughts mirrored back in years and years of reflection by those infinitely smarter than me.

I read The Myth of Sisyphus by Albert Camus last week, and it was as if I had been physically struck after reading the last line of the novel. Camus’ message has reinvigorated me, and I want to share a little bit of it today.

If you aren’t familiar, The Myth of Sisyphus by Camus is a mediation on whether or not suicide is an adept answer at living in a universe that is devoid of meaning. Camus dubs the unknown after death as “the absurd”, and he notes how we all have “an appetite for clarity” on what the absurd is, but that it takes a “simulated ignorance” to live without this knowledge— basically, we all know that we will die and are curious about what happens after, but one cannot dwell on this for the entirety of their life as that would be a waste. There is an ignorance of death which is needed to live each day. However, Camus expands upon this when he says that, “the intoxication of the irrational and the vocation of rapture turn a lucid mind away form the absurd.” Essentially, this is saying that there is a certain level of distraction that is needed— a cheap kind of distraction—in order to turn ourselves away from the reality of living a life that is fraught and headed towards death. I made a note here while reading about how in 2025, I believe that this distraction has increased not to only distract from death, but to distract also from a life that people are not enjoying living. This only strengthens the need to understand the crux of Camus’ meditation because it is more important now than ever before that we realize why a difficult life is still worth living.

But there is not only cheap distraction used to ignore the absurd. Camus talks about those who also use knowledge to soften the blow of an ending unknown, saying that, “the entire effort of [his] intelligence is to escape the antinomy of the human condition.” I wanted to point this out because this isn’t a judgement or a talking down to those who use cheap distractions in our day and age like social media and mindless consumption. The intoxicating need to grow your intellect is just another way of trying to understand and therefore ignore the absurd. So it is not as if there is a noble way, or a better way, to distract. It is all garnish being thrown onto a hollow life to try and add meaning.

This is where Sisyphus can come out and aid us in understanding why, then, life is worth living. A brief overview of his story, for those who don’t know: Sisyphus successfully cheated death many times, incurring the wrath of the Gods. As punishment, he was tasked with rolling a boulder up a mountain for the rest of eternity, where upon reaching the top it rolled back down and he had to start anew. The Myth of Sisyphus is one of a man facing eternal torment at a task that is unable to be fulfilled. But Camus poses an argument to Sisyphus’ eternal suffering. He says that Sisyphus was able to cheat the Gods one last time if you imagine he was smiling as he rolls the boulder. “One must imagine Sisyphus happy.”

If Sisyphus is able to find meaning in his suffering, then he can find happiness. By focusing on the act of the work and not the end goal, he has beaten his fate once more. Because at the end of the day, the fool is worried about the end goal, the prize, the summit. The wise man realizes that the real prize is the purpose one feels in having a journey to partake in. Purpose. That is the true gift that the God’s unknowingly gave Sisyphus. A search for something more than purpose is fruitless. A purpose is all one needs to be happy.

It harkens back to the ideas of the Stoics, to what Epictetus says in Discourses 3.24.17, “It is quite impossible to unite happiness with a yearning for what we don’t have. Happiness has all that it wants, and resembling the well-fed, there shouldn’t be hunger or thirst.” Happiness is in the here and the now, not in some far off place. Happiness is not the boulder reaching the top of the hill, but the act of rolling it. Happiness is in the trudgery of life, in the harshness of it, in the choice of relishing in it. Camus says, “The struggle is enough to fill a man’s heart.” It is why I worry about a generation growing up idolizing people who live with no purpose, who don’t work for anything. Because in life, the work and the journey is the reward.

Many brilliant minds have agreed upon this idea: Another, Marcus Aurelius who writes in Meditations, “At dawn, when you have trouble getting out of bed, tell yourself: “I have to go to work — as a human being. What do I have to complain of, if I’m going to do what I was born for — the things I was brought into the world to do? Or is this what I was created for? To huddle under the blankets and stay warm?” So you were born to feel “nice”? Instead of doing things and experiencing them? Don’t you see the plants, the birds, the ants and spiders and bees going about their individual tasks, putting the world in order, as best they can? And you’re not willing to do your job as a human being? Why aren’t you running to do what your nature demands?”

We must work towards and for our purpose. We were not born to feel nice, Aurelius says. The irony, however, is that putting yourself in uncomfortable positions of work and suffering allows you to then, at the end of a hard day, to sit with yourself in a quiet comfortability and feel content. It allows you to then, finally, feel nice.

We are here so briefly, but we are a part of something that I can’t wrap my mind around. I am constantly in awe of the universe, of what we have accomplished as humans, and I wish I knew what it all meant and what it was all for. What I do know is that if there is a way to wring every last drop of life out of my time, I’m going to do it. And I believe that having a purpose is the best way to do so.

But this all doesn’t have to be pretentious or hard to understand. Whenever I write I think of this Jean D’Alembert quote: “When people speak in a very elaborate and sophisticated way, they either want to tell a lie, or to admire themselves. You should not believe such people. Good speech is always clear, clever, and understood by all. Simplicity is the consequence of refined emotions.” So I turn to Dumbledore in Harry Potter, who actually said it in one of the best ways: “Do not pity the dead, pity the living, and above all those who live without love.”

If you fall in love with living, which inevitably means falling in love with suffering, you defeat the feeling of meaningless that the absurd can force upon you. Those who live without love, without purpose, aren’t living. There is no difference between that and the absurd. But purpose fosters love, and gives you something to fight for. It’s your very own boulder and you get to push it up the hill again and again. It is up to you to inject happiness and joy into the action, to appreciate the work for what it is: a dignified way to spend your time. If you do, you have found the key to purpose.

One must imagine Sisyphus happy, Camus said.

One must choose to be happy.

There seems to be a misunderstanding with people my age, in their early twenties, where they don’t think hard work is required to live a relatively good life anymore. They think that the comforts that usually come at the end of a career should be knocking at their door right now. I don’t know if it’s because there’s an influx of influencers and celebrities that are showing a life filled with 10am Pilates classes, a quick 1-2 hours of “computer work”, mid-afternoon massages, spa treatments, coffee runs and shopping sprees, dinner at the hottest spot in town, and then have them proceed to talk about how they’ve had a “long and exhausting day”, but the perception of hard work and the realities of life have been skewed in an alarming manner. Staying an hour or two past 5pm is a sacrifice beyond comprehension, eating lunch at your desk is a violation of work/life balance, and responding to emails on the weekend is unthinkable.

Of course, this isn’t everyone, and I’m sure I’m being harsh, but it’s because I care about this. I am lucky to be surrounded by a ton of extremely hard working people who inspire me to keep grinding and doing the same. But that’s the hack- if you’re surrounded by it, then it becomes a fact of life to work hard and not a shock. If the majority of people in their early twenties are seeing videos about quiet quitting and how you should want an easy desk job that requires no effort, it creates a culture of laziness. Yes, lazy. Sorry! Someone has to say it. I’ve seen Emily Sundberg, someone whose hustle and work ethic I admire greatly, touch on this a little. If you want success and a life of abundance, you have to give something in return. You have to sacrifice.

I get it though, I really do. If you’re waking up at 7AM to be in the office by 8, eating lunch at your desk, and leaving at 7pm, you can start to think that there’s little else but work in life. Now bear with me for a second. Change that wake up time to 6AM and do an hour of something you love. Read a book or article or YouTube tutorial on the commute home, and don’t open up Tiktok when you get back. Instead, maybe try to cook a new dish, go for a run or do a workout, go to a book club meeting, or a tennis/pickleball court... something! Assuming you’re in bed by 10pm (because you should get a good night sleep), 7-9pm is 2 hours, and waking up at 6 is an extra hour. That’s three hours that you can devote to something that can fuel you. 15 hours in a 5-day work week to do something that fills your cup.

I know you’re thinking, “but I’m so tired after work”, and I get it, I really do, but you can still do things tired. You’re allowed to do things tired. Or maybe you just do it two or three times a week. That’s, what, 6-9 hours of time to explore a fun outlet? That builds over time, and suddenly instead of having spent all your evenings watching reality TV at home, you could become a fantastic cook, read more books, have a wicked pickleball or tennis serve. That’s not to say you can’t watch TV, but I mean you guys— we have 7 days in the week! I don’t want this to sounds like those crazy motivational speakers who talks about how you have to utilize all 24 hours of the day to your benefit, but I think that exploring and partaking in things outside of screens will not only make your work feel less draining, but can also be a catalyst as to WHY you work hard— because then you can play hard. Spending your twenties grinding away at your job is what you’re supposed to do. That should be the norm.

You might think that I’m contradicting myself here by saying you should work hard and long hours, but also find time to pick up hobbies. What I’m saying is that the one leads and contributes to the other. When you can be at work and know that you have a fun activity planned for after, it can make it more bearable. You can feel more fulfilled and realize that the purpose of work is to be able to create financial stability to create a life that you love. Laying in bed at night and feeling the dread of having wasted your day by going to the office and then sitting at home scrolling your phone will be replaced by one of the most powerful feelings on this planet: purpose.

If you have read any of my letters, then you know how intent I am on spending as little time as possible on my phone, and I’m actually quite passionate about wanting to get more girls my age off their phones and back to partaking in rigorous hobbies. That’s how I like to think of it, a rigorous hobby. Something that brings joy and fulfillment but requires a bit of brain power, or physical power. Bonus points for both. Being knowledgeable and involved in different areas of interest not only aids in a sense of self confidence and sufficiency, but it strengthens the relationships around you by being able to discuss, relate, and debate more cognitively challenging topics and events with others. Jonathan Haidt just had a fantastic guest writer on his Substack, After Babel, that talked all about the cheapening of friendships that is a byproduct of connection moving more and more online as opposed to in person. There is so much more value in spending time out in the real world, and when you’re out there you meet some really cool people, and you realize they are doing fun things, living life to the fullest, filling it up to the very brim.

I love my hobbies, and I’ve got a good amount of them. I haven’t been writing my Substack as consistently as I’d like to be, but writing this is certainly a hobby. I’ve been writing a lot of my book instead, which is also a hobby. It’s been so fun to create a world and characters that are entirely my own, perfect down to their imperfections. I go for hikes a lot with my friends, and also go on no-phone hikes alone. I play golf, not as much as I’d like to, but I’m getting my clubs down to Nashville soon and plan on going to the range at least twice a week. My friends and I have a monthly book club. I’m lucky that my job is very community based, and so I go to writer’s rounds in the evenings a lot. I watch and follow hockey extremely closely, I think more girls should get into watching sports! I taught myself how to knit from YouTube tutorials. I cook and bake.

I work days, nights, and weekends right now. I am tired a lot, and don’t have a lot of time to go to the bar or take full weekends trips. I also can’t finance a lot of that stuff right now, and anyone in their early 20’s who you see partaking in extravagant trips or nights out multiple times a week is either being supported financially or going into debt, that’s just the truth of it. I’m working a lot, but I have gotten really good at finding pockets of time to fill my cup back up. I wake up an hour earlier than I have to in the morning so I can get in an hour of reading, because I love it. If I have an hour or two in the afternoon in between working, I go for a hike or I cook or play tennis. If I get home late, I’ll throw on a hockey game as I clean or eat so I know what’s happening in the league and can talk about it with my family.

I’m really fucking tired sometimes, but I also know that I’m young and passionate and it’s okay to be tired right now. I’m setting the foundation for the rest of my life, and when I’m older I want to be interesting. I want to be experienced and wise, and you can’t be that if you’re spending all your time online.

Work hard, get a hobby, and don’t get caught up in the false ideology that every aspect of life is supposed to be enjoyable all the time. Being in your 20’s is a hard fucking go— or atleast it should be if you want to reap the rewards later. Hobbies make it bearable and add value and happiness to everyday life, something that scrolling on your phone will never do. Stop working against yourself and rejoin the real world.

I read 137 books in 2024, which is a lot of books. I am going to confidently say that I am probably one the most eclectic readers out there. I read contemporary, classics, romance, fantasy, nonfiction, philosophy, sports, biographies, literary fiction, historical fiction, screenplays, short stories, indie, I mean seriously you name it and I’ll probably read it. I don’t DNF often because as a writer, I like to learn what went wrong, but if the writing is really bad I’ll put it down because I don’t have a lot of patience nor time for bad writing— this idea has definitely become stronger throughout the year and I have found it harder to enjoy some romance and fantasies that I use to love because they are just objectively really bad books. But it’s led me to reading a lot of older works and diving deeper into classics.

I get asked how I read so much. I wake up an hour earlier than I need to each day to read. I have an app blocker and VPN on my phone that blocks all social media. I don’t really watch tv or movies which I actually want to correct, I want to watch more old movie classics. I bring a book or my kindle with me everywhere, so if I have a spare 10 minutes, instead of scrolling I read. I also view reading as a small part of my job, so it really is a priority for me. But mostly I just love it, and when you love something you find time for it. It’s not a chore for me. I read to feel. I read to weep and laugh and contemplate. I want to feel shockwaves with each page turned.

So, with that being said, these were all of my five star books of 2024, in no particular order, with a sentence or two to nudge you towards interest. There’s 17 in total.

The Great Alone by Kristin Hannah

Atmospheric and suspense that builds silently and unknowingly, until you’re clutching the book with clenched fists, begging for your favorite characters to find a way.

Franny and Zooey by JD Salinger

This started a Salinger Renaissance in my family. I read Catcher in the Rye before, but F&Z blew my mind and I told everyone in my family to read it, which led to us all reading the rest of his published work. I absolutely adore his writing style and the Glass Family, I could read about them for eternity.

Beartown Trilogy by Fredrik Backman (reread)

I’ve talked about this trilogy so much before, so I’ll leave it here and just implore you to read. These books have my favorite character I’ve ever read, and hold a piece of my heart within the pages. I think about Beni atleast once a week.

The Secret History by Donna Tartt

There’s a reason why this is deemed a modern day classic. I fucking loved this book.

Demon Copperhead by Barbara Kingsolver (reread)

Demon works his way into your heart. A must read in my opinion, I reread this year.

Good Will Hunting (screenplay) by Matt Damon and Ben Affleck

Good Will Hunting is my favorite movie, and the screenplay is just as touching. Will and Sean’s monologues almost hurt to read because they hit so close to open wounds.

Rules of Civility by Amor Towles

I also fell in love with Amor Towles this year. I adore reading about NYC in the 50s and 60s, and this book felt like a movie and had the most badass female main character.

Doppelgänger by Naomi Klein

A nonfiction book that was extremely relevant to read about. Highly recommend reading especially at the start of the new presidency.

Trust by Hernan Diaz

Another phenomenal book set in 1920-1930’s NYC told in such a unique way— a story in 4 parts. So ambitious and it pays off so well.

Talking at Night by Claire Daverly

The only romance on this list, because this blew me out of the water. Beautiful writing, and I know it was good because I hated the ending but still loved the book.

The Bee Sting by Paul Murray

This was definitely in my top 5, maybe top 3 books of the year. The most insane ending to a book, I also think about this one quite often. Can’t recommend enough.

Lincoln’s Melancholy by Joshua Wolf Sheck

A book about how President Lincoln was able to use his depression as a tool. I was shocked at how Abe Lincoln was able to reflect my own life questions back at me through his own worries and wisdom. He would’ve become a philosopher if he had lived a longer life, I’m sure of it.

In The Distance by Hernan Diaz

This book packs a punch. A character who you just root for so hard, and Diaz builds anticipation so beautifully.

The Road by Cormac McCarthy

A child’s love, a fathers love, and sacrifice. This book was heart stopping, and painfully beautiful to read. I was wiping buckets of tears at the ending. “Keep carrying the fire”.

The Odyssey by Homer, translation by Emily Wilson

I absolutely loved Emily’s translation of Homer which was both lyrical and practical.

Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert

Any creative person (I hate that descriptor, sorry) should read this book. She has this great line about how a women’s weight is always an obstacle in her own life which I thought was quite astute.

Anxious People by Fredrik Backman

I laughed and laughed throughout this whole book, got to the last page, closed it, and started sobbing. That is the genius of Backman. He worms depth into humor and love into sadness.

I hope this may have helped you find a new read, and thank you for getting to the end. I was grinning and tearing up at the same time while writing this up, because I just love these books and these characters so much. I love reading and I am so grateful for the range of emotion, the journeys, the empathy, the understanding, and the questions it has given me. As always, I love to get book recommendations so feel free to share :)

I read 15 books this month, so if you want the full review you’ll need to click read in browser :)

Small Things Like These by Claire Keegan

I love reading books where every word seems intentional, with nothing out of place. This book was so lovely, and very Irish in its nature— quiet guilt but a steadfast ability to discern true wrong from right. Feeling trapped in an unfulfilling life is usually painted as a distinctly modern problem, but I think this book shows how this has always been a part of human nature. I also enjoyed how it was set around Christmas time, it was the perfect book to start December off with.

rating: 4/5

The Hurricane Wars by Thea Guanzon

I saw this book in a bookstore and thought the cover was captivating, so I downloaded it when Libby had it available. I flew through this book, so I have to give it some flowers for that but overall I did not like this book. The characters came off as pathetic to me, with a lack of redeeming qualities, and the plot was not interesting enough to carry what the characters lacked. There were a few redeeming moments in the dialogue which I thought was well-paced, but other than that I was pretty bored the whole time. I am really burnt out on bad fantasy and I’ve felt a definitive difference in my ability to read YA or just poorly written novels this year (I’ll talk about this in my yearly post more) and this just unfortunately did not do it for me.

rating: 2/5

The Answer is No by Fredrick Backman

I love Fredrik Backman; I’ll read anything he writes. This short story was really cute, and I love how human all his writing is. Nothing is ever self-aggrandizing; it’s people going through life, the ups and downs held in equal fervor.

rating: 4/5

Let’s Explore Diabetes with Owls by David Sedaris

This was a reread for me, but after reading Backman’s humor I was craving some more funny writing, and Sedaris is the king of that. I was really into him in high school and have a ton of his books, so I just plucked this one off my shelves. You can’t go wrong with any of his work, all full of hilarious nonfiction essays about his life, a life so chock-full of hatred, love, desire, shame, and wonder that everyone can relate.

rating: 4/5

The Great Alone by Kristin Hannah

This was my first Kristin Hannah book, and I finally get why everyone loves her. This book truly ripped my heart into shreds. The vastness of the Alaskan wilderness is one of the most captivating book settings I’ve ever read, becoming a main character in the story. I felt emotionally ravaged by the end of the book in the best way possible, in the way that makes me love to read. I cannot wait to read more of her work in 2025, but I have a feeling this one will always be at the top.

rating: 5/5

The Deal of a Lifetime by Fredrik Backman

Like I said, he writes and I read. This book covers something that I think about a lot, the cost of success and the limited nature of our time on earth. As always, Backman seems to have it figured out. A lovely short story.

rating: 4/5

The Fall by Albert Camus

My Goodreads rating pretty much sums it up: Just read about a narcissist basically but with some phenomenal lines. I stand by that— this has some simply stunning lines that startled me with their thought-provoking nature, but it felt a bit tedious to read, most likely because I’m not a huge fan of the one-sided conversation structure. I have been wanting to read Camus for a while though so I’m glad I was able to do so in 2024.

rating: 3/5

Harry Potter— Books 3-7 by JK Rowling

I reread Harry Potter every year around Christmas time, whether it be just the last two, or just the first two, or the whole series. I decided to start from the third this year and I just have the best time ever diving back into this world. Flashes of where I was when I read certain moments always come up. Faking sick at swim practice to keep reading. Being in a race with my older brother to see who could finish the series first. This book has roots in my bones, and we’ve leaned into each other as I’ve grown.

rating: 5/5

The Boys of Winter by Wayne Coffey

I don’t think this is a book that most of you will want to read, but this was SUCH an amazing read for me. I grew up watching the movie Miracle with a sort of holy reverence in my family, and it’s still one of my favorite films. My dad played on two Olympic hockey teams and my older brother played on USA for World Juniors, so I’ve grown up with a lot of USA Hockey around my house, which makes it all the more special and meaningful. Getting to learn more about the individual players who were on the team that created history was such a joy, and I gained so much respect after seeing the isolated and difficult paths a lot of them hailed from.

rating: 4/5

Franny and Zooey by J.D. Salinger

I was so shocked at finding one of my favorite reads of the year in the last few days, but I absolutely loved this book. I shouldn’t be surprised, as Salinger is one of the best authors to ever write, but this story had everything I love. The perils of early intellect and self-awareness before your peers catch up can be isolating as well as frivolous; sometimes wisdom is worse than ignorance unless you know how to master the ego that comes with it and learn what is most important to live for.

rating: 5/5

Digital Minimalism by Cal Newport

This was a good reminder before the New Year of how destructive constant online consumption can be, and gave me a good kick in the butt to stay on top of all my rules for not consuming social media without guardrails. If you are looking to add guardrails, this book has lots of good suggestions. Nothing earth-shattering, but well-researched and convincing. I don’t really rate this kind of nonfiction, but I’d suggest it for sure.

Favorite reads of 2024 coming soon, hope you found some inspo from this month’s reads!

Happy New Year :)

- Lilly

I’m at a cafe sipping a coffee right now, right next to a Hallmark store that is bursting at the seams with Christmas magic. It snowed last night, and the thin blanket is stubbornly sticking around, making this place feel a little more like home for a Chicago-raised girl like myself.

The music industry slows to a crawl during these next few weeks, so I’m taking the time to reinspire myself and educate myself on new fields, books, and ideas. I’ve designated 4 hours of today to reading and writing, writing anything but songs. I journaled, I wrote some more of my book, and I have finally stumbled my way back onto my newsletter. I love this letter dearly, it is a weekly challenge for me to write about whatever is huddled in the quiet corners of my mind that week. But I had felt that particular well had run dry since I’d been allocating it to my songwriting these past few weeks.

So what changed? I started rereading some of my favorite books of all time— the Beartown trilogy by Fredrik Backman. These books changed my life. They are ruthless. They break your heart into pieces and don’t even give you back the broken shards. Instead, a little part of you is held hostage forever within the pages. These books mean entirely too much to me to be able to explain. But that’s not the important part.

The important part is that it can have that effect on me. That words written on a page can tighten my chest, stop my heart, and tremble my hands. It may sound dramatic and it probably is, but that is why I hold such a reverence for words and writing. It’s why I’m a songwriter. Because why else are we on this earth if not to experience emotion and hear the tales of others, to share our journeys and what we feel? The fact that we can articulate our innermost thoughts to each other is a miracle. It’s a miracle! That has never lost its shine for me, the fact that we as humans have the ability to communicate. I think it’s the source of humanity. It’s what I want to fill my days with.

I’ve written about this before, but I think there is a healing power in reading the words of those who came before you. To learn that the problems you believe isolate you were experienced by Tolstoy and Hemingway, and Thoreau and Wilde and De Montaigne. It brings comfort, but it brings something else. It lets you bask in the warm relief that you are not special. What you feel, what you write, what you experience is never one of one. It’s never an original. I think a lot of people, especially these days when there is desperation to discern from the micro-groups and what’s “basic”, are afraid of this. Self-aggrandizing has become socially acceptable in this day and age, and this idea that No, no, no, surely this is the most awful thing to occur to anyone, surely I feel things more deeply, surely this is only something that could occur to me, for me, because of me? is a sentiment I see seeping into many people’s content, both written and visual. Everything is doomsday and isolating, and the “-fication” of everything, ruining what it was before. So many of these problems are made up, plucked from thin air that are only real in a certain aspect online. People are feeling lost and alone, and are overexplaining and catastrophizing to cope.

Dostoyevsky is one of my favorite writers, and he has a brilliant quote that reads, “I swear to you that to think too much is a disease, a real actual disease.” Too much thinking and not enough living. Michel de Montaigne wrote, "My life has been full of terrible misfortunes most of which never happened." We don’t control what happens in our lives, but we can control our outlook, and what we choose to focus on shapes how we feel. So you see, these problems that plague you have been affecting thousands of others for hundreds of years. Reading the works of others can help you feel less alone in this vast and fleeting life.

Have you ever laid in bed at night, feeling hopeless and wondering what the hell you were doing with your life? Virginia Woolfe wrote in a letter on August 18th, 1929, “I am obsessed at nights with the idea of my own worthlessness, and if it were only to turn a light on to save my life I think I would not do it. These are the last footprints of a headache I suppose. Do you ever feel that? like an old weed in a stream. What do you feel, lying in bed?" She felt that way too. And so have millions of other people, which is why Woolfe has been read by so many. There is a reason these writers have stuck around. It would pain me to see them get lost by this generation.

But I also want to make sure that there is no pretentious air to this idea. Because I think a lot of the time when the importance of reading is discussed, there is an idea of “good” and “bad” literature. There are writers who I look up to immensely who share this sentiment—Mark Twain wrote, “The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.”— but I disagree with the belief that one person or group of people can determine what the distinction is between good and bad. There is, of course, writing that does more harm than good which is my barometer for what I constitute as bad, but I won’t speak for others (the exception to this is Colleen Hoover, she’s objectively awful).

is a writer on here whom I enjoy reading immensely, and in her latest post she wrote, “In romance books, love is beautiful and pretty and wonderful. I feel less lonely and maybe even sometimes optimistic. Good romances are introspective and thought-provoking and I sometimes learn more about myself than I would in other genres. When I see qualities of myself in protagonists and see two characters I root for get together, it feels magical.”

This was such a wonderful testament to what books that are typically seen as less worthy, have the power to do. I read all kinds of books, and you can see any of my monthly wrapups which are a testament to that. I love romance books, but I am also extremely picky about them because of this. Some phenomenal romance books have taught me more about love than some of my college philosophy courses did. I have learned as much about what I want to strive for in life reading Fredrik Backman as I have reading Anthony De Mello. The love story Talking at Night by Claire Daverly made me cry just as much as the nonfiction book Lincoln’s Melancholy by Joshua Shenk did. There is no such that as prescribed reading, no book you MUST read to unlock the secrets of the universe and finally understand the purpose of life. There are books that I have read that I would suggest because of how they changed my life and made me feel understood on a deep visceral level, but that doesn’t mean they’ll do it for you. The beauty of books and reading is that you will find what pulls you in if you just give it a chance. You have to pick up books and actually read them. Abandon the ones that aren’t doing for you, but keep searching. Keep reading.

Reading and writing are like breathing air for me. Both were such critical aspects of my growing up, and when I look back on my journals that start in third grade, I can trace the thread of self-discovery (as well as self-annihilation and then slow understanding and acceptance) in all of my passages. I have preserved a time period within the pages of my notebooks. I read these entries, and I time travel back to middle school and high school. The same happens when I reread Harry Potter every year— I feel the same emotions I felt the first time I read them in second grade. As I grew up, my capacity to feel grew with each character I read because I almost inherited their life stories. My writing got larger and was able to encompass more emotion because I felt more. I grew more empathetic and understanding. Books did that for me. They expanded my world. They were a refuge in times of unbearable pain, and I feel as though many people right now are secretly screaming into the void of the internet because they are lonely and hurting. I truly do believe with my whole soul that reading can help, as silly as it may seem to some of you. So please, read. Read more than you already are, and read what you like, and read old books and new ones, read philosophy and romance, and fantasy and mystery and nonfiction.

I hope there was a sliver of something in there that makes you want to read more, that’s all I would hope for. I love reading, I love words, and I love writing. I love all of it with every fiber of my being. I think that shines through here, or at least I hope it does. This is my love letter to language in a way.

Happy start to the Christmas season everyone, my favorite time of year!

-Lilly

This has been the busiest month of my life. The days have been long but the weeks have felt short and the month seems to have flown by in the blink of an eye. I just got back from North Carolina where my family and I got to visit my older brother for Thanksgiving. We got to go to two home games of his which is such a gift to be able to do. I find it so inspiring to spend time around a group of people who have reached the top of their career and continue to put their entire being into getting better and accomplishing their goals. I’m back in Nashville and feeling invigorated for a final boost before going home to Chicago for Christmas. We’re having a cold spell here which I am loving, and can’t wait to spend the rest of my Sunday curled up with a book while watching football. But first, a recap of the books I read this November.

Like I said, it was an insanely busy month for me and I read a lot of long books, so there’s only 9 this month, but they did not disappoint:

The Secret History by Donna Tartt

This did not disappoint in any way. I had been specifically saving this book to read in November because I had been told it was very atmospheric, and I am so glad I did because the scene setting and imagery that Tartt seamlessly blends with the plot renders it as almost another character in the novel. The autumn winds and winter snowfall act as accomplices to the characters and their antics on the beautiful New England college campus where this story takes place. I ended this book with more questions than answers, but I wasn’t disappointed by that at all, it felt like it was meant to be that way. Just phenomenal and I understand why everyone loves it so much.

Rating: 5/5

Station Island by Seamus Heaney

As I delve deeper into Irish literature, I also wanted to spend some time with their poets. Station Island is a story told in prose, and Heaney paints a picture of the island and its surrounding waters brilliantly. Of course, with a poem you aren’t going to get the in-depth connection and description you get with a novel, so while I felt a bit detached I still enjoyed his schemes and the characters you follow alongside.

Rating: 3/5

Beartown Trilogy by Fredrick Backman

I reread the Beartown trilogy in November, so I’ll lump them all right here because they are all 6 star reads. This trilogy feels like a piece of me. There is a steady stream of tears from the start to the beginning of the books and by the end I am a heaving, sobbing mess. I have tried writing essays about what these books mean to me but I can’t find the words yet. When the characters hurt, I hurt. Backman rips your heart out and doesn’t even give you back the shards. Instead, they’re embedded into the pages, and you can feel the pieces of yourself that are left behind with the characters. All three of the books are equally incredible in my eyes, but The Winners is probably the most painful book I have ever read, and it probably means the most to me as well. I’ll never forget Benji, because I am Benji in a lot of ways. Hannah and Johnny are so beautiful. Maya is so strong. Bobo is so loving. Ted and Amat. Peter, oh Peter. Kira!! Adri. Leo, in his own way. Ana. Sune. Alicia. Elisabeth. Tobias. Mumble broke me. I love them all so much.

My dad was an NHLer and I write songs. Peter was an NHLer and Maya writes songs. This is a book about hockey and music and love, and so I’ve always felt it was made for me. I owe Fredrik Backman so much. Thank you thank you thank you.

Rating: 6/5

Animal Farm by George Orwell

Huge pivot lol, but I never read Animal Farm for school and Brittany Broski was talking about it on her podcast and I was suddenly struck with the thought that I cannot simply go through life having not read this book. I liked it a lot, it’s obviously not a subtle metaphor, but it does slap your face with some cold hard reality. I do not feel qualified to discuss this book and it’s meaning in detail, but there are lots of people online that are if you want to explore!

Rating: 4/5

All The Young Dudes

HEAR ME OUT. First of all, I think that going from reading Animal Farm to this really solidifies my personal belief that you can and should read important books AND books for pure pleasure. Now, this is a book that I was told by a friend I absolutely MUST read because I am such a huge Harry Potter fan. I was told that it was the story of Harry’s parents when they went to Hogwarts and that it was more about the day-to-day life at school. Some of my favorite HP moments are when they are studying in the common room, going to games, and doing basic cozy activities at school, so I was SO excited to read this. And you know what, I loved it (for the most part). Did I know that about halfway through this like 800 page book it turns into a love story of two other characters? No, I did not and I was really caught off guard but honestly, it was still really good writing and highly entertaining. I started to dislike it once they left school but I mean how are you supposed to write when two of the main characters who you just witnessed have a happy life brutally die? But overall this was SO fun to read and I have no regrets.

Heir by Sabba Tahir

Sabaa Tahir has become a must-read author for me. I loved her Fantasy series Ember in the Ashes, which I think writing quality-wise is up there with the Throne of Glass series. In the Ember series, Tahir built up a brilliantly vibrant fantasy world that has a strong Indian heritage woven throughout which I really enjoy. Heir is a spinoff duology about a character that is born in that series, so while you don’t have to read that series, it makes it way more fun to see the characters you follow in that one twenty years older in Heir. Tahir just does fantasy with romance the right way. She does not sacrifice any of the plot or worldbuilding for romance, and the characters always feel fully fleshed out and not only there to fall in love with each other. She writes women extremely well, and I just absolutely adored this book and was really intrigued by the villain and conflict that occurs. I will definitely be reading the second book in the series.

Rating: 4/5

The Collected Poems of W.B. Yeats

I read this in between the last few books of the month because I had been wanting to read more Irish poets to help improve my own writing both for songs and long form. I do not enjoy Yeats’ longer poems, and definitely enjoy his older style of more flowery and descriptive poems to his newer style of more stark and uniform work. One line that stuck with me because it absolutely blew me away was when he described a sunset as “When the sun looked out of his golden hood”. It is incredible how much life he breathes into the image with that metaphor. Yeats is a master of words, and I really enjoyed reading this, because even though I wasn’t a huge fan of his change in writing style, I really commend his ability to change it in the first place. I don’t like rating poetry collections because it’s impossible to group them together as good or bad, but I would highly recommend picking up Yeats.

I have been lacking on here with my letters but that will be changing. Even though I am busier than I have ever been, I really rely on this substack as a place to keep the faucet of my writing running, because I find that it can be harder to start writing than to be constantly writing. I have lots of essays I’m working on, and cannot wait to send one out this upcoming week.

Lots of love to you all!

Lilly

This is cut off in email, so click read in browser if you want the full list :)

The Poppy War by R.F. Kuang

Rating: 4/5

I had been wanting to read this book for a while and was excited to start my October with a Fantasy, and this one did not disappoint. The beginning of this book has remnants of Harry Potter with the setting of a school that is training gifted students, but once the war plot picks up in this book, it swiftly turns into a gruesome and horrifying story following war horrors that pull inspiration from the real war stories from ________. Despite the stomach-churning material, the writing and politics of the world are captivating, and the sprinkle of magic and fantasy is woven in a really believable way. This is a heavy book, but I loved it. I’m not sure if/when I will continue the series because I didn’t feel a crazy urge to find out what happens next, but I could definitely see myself picking up the next one if I’m having trouble finding another good fantasy.

Good Will Hunting by Matt Damon and Ben Affleck

Rating: 5/5

I’m pretty sure Good Will Hunting is my favorite movie, and if not definitely in my top 5. Reading the screenplay was simultaneously so fun and heartbreaking at the same time. The monologues and scenes that brought me to tears in the movie elicited the same reaction while reading them, and seemed to sucker punch me in the heart even more so. Is there a better scene than It’s not your fault? It crushes me every time. This was my first time reading a screenplay but definitely not my last, as I loved the experience. If anyone has read any screenplays that they loved please let me know! I kind of want to read The Big Short…

Only Dull People Are Brilliant at Breakfast by Oscar Wilde

This is a short book full of entries and quotes from Oscar Wilde and it was enjoyable to read. While some of his thoughts come across as a bit pretentious, he is a talented communicator in his ability to use metaphors to cast a belief into a certain light. This wasn’t really a book you can rate, but I want to read his fiction work after this which I think is a testament to the writing.

We Begin in Gladness by Craig Morgan Teicher

This was a book I read more for my work than for pleasure, but it was a beneficial study of what leads a poet to their magnum opus, detailing the journey and growth that takes place for writers, and what devices and techniques cause their writing to flourish. I learned a lot about how much weight small changes to writing can make. I wouldn’t recommend this to everyone, but if you have an interest in writing this is a great read! I randomly stumbled upon this as I was perusing the library, which should be an encouragement to do the same! There are lots of amazing books out there that don’t have any buzz or accolades. Another unrateable book in my opinion.

A Mercy by Toni Morrison

Rating: 3/5

I found this book at my family house this summer. I’m really grateful to be from a family of readers because it means I can always find new books laying around. I had never read a Toni Morrison book before, but a lot of my favorite authors say she is THEIR favorite author, so I was really excited to read this and see what she was all about. Her talent is noticeable almost immediately. The best way I can describe Morrisons writing is decoding. She seems to unlock the characters with her language, adjusting it flawlessly to portray not only the thoughts of the characters but the process they go through to get their. Subtle, simple, but gorgeous. The story itself is about a slave girl is the 1680’s who is offered by her own mother to be sold to a new owner. It follows this young girls journey with her new life away from everything and everyone she’s ever known, as well as following her fellow slaves stories. As always, it is difficult to reconcile with the fact this this fictional book is very much steeped in reality, but I also think it’s important to read historical fiction to remind us of what the past contained. I enjoyed the writing and the story, but this was definitely a character and period study more so than a plot driven book, and I wasn’t itching to pick it up as much as I wish. I definitely want to read more Morrison though, so let me know of any favorites you all have.

The Book of Doors by Gareth Brown

Rating: 3.75/5

This book had such incredible twists and turns but the plot fell into place a little too easy and comfortably just to make things work out for the good guys. The characters were likeable but I didn’t feel connected to them at all, and the connection between them felt forced and rushed. So while the premise was cool and unique and made it very entertaining to read, I think it was just a but immature in character development and in deploying the rules and laws of the fantasy world.

Blue Sisters by Coco Mellors

Rating: 4/5

I feel like this is the It Girl book of the moment, and my library luckily had a copy in and I snagged it immediately upon seeing it. Even though I had been seeing this book everywhere and hearing everyone rave about it, I don’t have sisters so I wasn’t that inclined to pick it up, but I am really glad I did. This book easily pulls you in and never lets up. Grief, sisterhood, addiction, and regret are all big themes that loom large, but for such heavy topics they are delivered with skillful levity. One thing I really did NOT enjoy about this book was the random explicit and vulgar scenes that happen with one of the sisters which I assume is supposed to be to cement her issues and show her lifestyle, but to me seemed like a strange shock factor that didn’t fit with the rest of the book at all— but also I am not a person who enjoys crude humor or writing. It was an extremely small part of the book so didn’t take away much but was not a my favorite because of that.

Awareness by Anthony De Mello

My older brother was reading this in our family kindle account and I am so glad he put it on my radar because I loved this book. It’s another one I can’t really rate because it’s an extremely spiritual book, which is always hard to put on a rating scale. De Mello outlines the importance of being as aware of our existence as possible by stepping outside of “I” that narrates and berades in our head, and fully immersing ourselves in the “I” that is actually experiencing life, the “I” that engages with our sense, environment, and others. I absolutely loved this book, and I think it’s a more approachable book than The Power of Now, but they both share the same sentiment. I really recommend this book to any and everyone.

A Man Called Ove by Fredik Backman

Rating: 5/5

Backman is my favorite author. He has changed my life with his words, specifically the Beartown trilogy. I am late to the game on arguably his most popular book, but it was another 5/5 and I have yet to rate any of his work lower. I laughed within the first 15 pages of this book, and I teared up within 16— that is what this book does. It makes you laugh through your tears. I finished this book at sunset up on the rooftop of my building, and thank god I was all alone because I have never cried so hard while reading a book before. I am talking great big heaving cries and tears streaming down my face. We follow Ove, an old curmudgeon who’s living alone until a family moves in next door and upends his plans— it is wonderful what Backman can do with such a simple story. Dying alone, and loneliness is general, is something I have really fearful of, and this book just hammered a nail into my heart. I implore everyone to read Backman, and this book is a great place to start.

Seven Year Slip by Ashley Posen

Rating: 2.5/5

There were some great moments in this book but ultimately it felt like all the characters were rushed and shoved in your face with no time to linger and grow with the relationships. I wish the magic apartment wasn’t a thing and that the characters had just dated seven years ago regularly and were somehow renewing their relationship, because the crazy connection that they are able to somehow form over two days is so unrealistic that it took me out of the story immediately. I also automatically hate a book that mentions TikTok. And don’t even get me started on the nickname he has for her. It cringed me out so bad I wanted to crawl out of my skin! I was really hoping I’d like this since I had heard such great things but unfortunately was not for me!

First Lie Wins by Ashley Elston

Rating: 3.75/5

Have to get a mystery/thriller in during Halloween season and I had seen SO much praise for this one so when I saw it at my library I grabbed it to fulfill my spooky mood. This is the third thriller I’ve ever read and I think I need to get more into the genre because I’ve really enjoyed all of the ones I’ve read. I was a huge fan of the Gabriel Allon series in high school which I think was a version of mystery so it makes sense! This was really fast paced and I actually really enjoyed the romance subplot— the characters were super likable despite being morally grey which I think is always a sign of a good writer. I will definitely be reading more thrillers in the future so let me know if you have any favorites!

The Vanishing Half by Brit Bennett

Rating: 4/5

This book has sat on my shelf for almost 4 years now, and I can’t believe it took that long to read. I remember reading the first few pages and losing steam, bit this time around I can’t imagine how that happened because I was hooked immediately and really loved this book. The premise is SO interesting— the story of twins who are both black, but one chooses to live her life passing as white. The only thing I didn’t love about this book was the ending— I wish that more of the loose ends were tied up and that there was a bit more closure for the characters, as it felt a bit abrupt. But overall, I absolutely loved this book and definitely recommend it.

The Ex Hex by Erin Sterling

Rating: 3/5

Last but not least, this was such a fun little read for Halloween! If you can’t already tell, I really love to mood read and I really love the holidays and like to soak up every last drop of holiday spirit out of everything. I started this on the 30th and then finished it on Halloween night and while it was cheesy and I didn’t love either of the characters, the setting and the town were the perfect autumnal backdrop with pumpkins, witches, apple carmel pies, broomsticks, purple skies and changing leaves, and everything else Halloweeny that you can think of. It was like Gilmore Girls and Halloweentown were mixed together! This was the perfect way to enjoy Halloween night, because sometimes you just need the equivalent of a bad holiday movie in book form.

A great month of reading! I’m currently about 80 pages into The Secret History and absolutely sucked in, I can’t put it down. I plan to reread the Beartown series this month too as my bets friend reads it for the first time and am I a loser for looking forward to it so much? Those books just mean so much to me. Please let me know of any good books I should add on to the TBR, the only other one currently on my radar is The Will of the Many by James Islington that my best friend Price told me to read but I need more recs always!

-Lilly

Joe Mazzulla, the head coach of the Boston Celtics, was asked about how he feels about the pressure from the sports world. He goes on to say some of the most important life lessons anyone can hear. I wanted to share it with you guys.

In his mind, pressure does’t exist, it’s just a word. He understand the stakes, but he’s taken the power away from the words of sports media and fans, and not allowed them to influence him— actually, he hasn’t even taken the power because he didn’t award the words any power in the first place. He has stabalized the situation by grounding himself in the reality that it’s not life or death. It’s not important. It’s basketball. They have a responsibility as a team to succeed, and he knows he needs to succeed, but there is no pressure because it’s just the reality. When what you expect will happen as a result of the work you have put in is the standard, you do not feel pressure. You do not have to rise to the occasion because your preparation has already brought you there. Mazzulla says, “I don’t allow words to take my personal power… did you allow that to have an impact on you? You have a choice to decide how you’re going to interpret that… At the end of the day, none of you are invited to my funeral.” If only everyone could grasp that we do not have to waste time or energy on someone who does not hold weight in our lives. Nobody online should be able to get a reaction of you. Nobody at your office, nobody at the interesction, nobody. They don’t have the power— unless you give it to them.

I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again: we create our reality. We decide if we are going to be affected by what happens in our day and if it will rule our emotions and thoughts. I read Awareness by Anthony de Mello this week, and he puts it perfectly: “Negative feelings are in you, not in reality, so stop trying to change reality.” There is reality, and there is what you think is reality. People spend their entire lives living in a false reality that they create in their head that is filled with the past and present, with words and influences of strangers, with negativity that seeps into every fiber of your being until you aren’t thinking or doing for yourself, but for others. To react is to give away your power.

Ellen Langer in her book Mindfulness says, “The more we realize that most of our views of ourselves, of others, and of presumed limits regarding our talents, our health, and our happiness were mindfully accepted by us at an earlier time in our lives, the more we open up to the realization that these too can change.”

All of our perceptions can be influenced by others, but we can always regain the power and change our view the world accordingly. There is hope, there is a way out, and I just wish more people could wake up and see that so much of the negativity and self doubt we possess is all because of our inability to separate the self from the influence of our connected world. It is a choice, and you have to eventually choose to stop giving into the temptation of reacting with anger and sadness and instead dismiss it of all its power. They rush at you with weaponed words honed to crush you, and you have the insane power to turn those swords into dust in your mind. You can render them insignificant. YOU have that power.

I am lucky to have been taught at a young age to never care what anyone thinks and that it’s not about what someone says but how I react. In the past year though, I have really focused on and made it a goal to teach myself to dismiss the power of people’s words, people who don’t matter. I have found that the best way to be able to do this is to create concrete proof of why I am able to succeed no matter what anyone says. And at the end of the day, like Mazzula says, none of the people who ever critique you know you, and the kind of life you live. They aren’t invited to your funeral. They are not a part of your life, so why would you ever care what they have to say? Why would you waste your short time on earth on someone you don’t care about?

I want to live in a reality that is untouched by others. Everyone has the ability to do that. It will require discipline, it will require self control, it will require self love, and it will require hard work. But all of those qualities will also be what makes up your reality, and that sounds like a pretty good place to reside.

I’m sorry for the pause in letters these past 2 weeks!

I had a slight panic that I wasn’t making the most of the Halloween season so now I’m really in it— throwing on the movies at night, I picked up a thriller from the library, and I’m plighting all pumpkin candles. I’ve been really busy with meetings and writing this month, but the Bruins were in town so I went to their game against the Preds last night with my friends and it was so fun, I’m really glad I dragged myself out on a Tuesday. I’m going home to Chicago soon for a quick weekend trip to see my parents and youngest brother, and be home during my favorite time of the year!

I hope you are all doing well and enjoying the gift of Fall with it’s changing leaves— I feel it always inspires a change in me as well.

-Lilly

Popping in with another monthly list of what I read in September. I have found my reading taste shifting in the past couple of months, and this month I think shows that a lot. I am in love with fiction, but ever since reading Lincoln’s Melancholy and being so profoundly touched by it, I have been reading more nonfiction. It’s been a fun adventure and causing me to slow down a bit because I’m actually able to put the book down and not read deep into the night (something I’ve struggled with since I was a child and my Mom took away my reading light while I was reading Harry Potter obsessively).

Mornings here are now drifting in with a chill, and I’ve enjoyed nothing more than spending the early hours outside with my cup of coffee and book in hand— can’t wait to do more in October, which is when the best reading time begins!

Here is everything that I read in September— my last book of the month was also my 100th book of the year, so that was fun!

Tortilla Flat by John Steinbeck

I talked about this a bit last month with Hemingway, but it really throws me off when I’m reading older books and women are written in very… old-fashioned ways, I’ll leave it at that. So I was already not enjoying this one a lot and then became more bored and stagnant as the book droned on. This is supposed to be a retelling of the Authorian Saga which is why I picked it up because I have a fascination with King Arthur, but it honestly did not translate for me. One thing this book did accomplish though was making me laugh. Steinbeck is funny, and his characters in this book are funny too.

Rating: 2.5/5

The Familiar by Leigh Bardugo

This book was a major miss for me. The reader is never really explained anything about the world in this book and similarly, the characters are never fully fleshed out to us let alone able to connect with the others in the book, so all the relationships feel very rushed and built on nothing. People claim love but barely know each other. The plot wasn’t any better, and I was so frustrated when the biggest scene that we are thought to believe is of the utmost importance occurs, but then it becomes completely irrelevant, leaving the reader so confused. Honestly, just a terrible book I don’t know how else to say it!

Rating: 2/5

The Creative Act by Rick Rubin

There are about a million podcasts talking about this book with Rick Rubin as a guest, so I won’t drone on too much. Ultimately, I agree with what Jacob Collier said about this: “I don't believe [Rick Rubin's] audience is creative people. I think his audience is people who aren't creative, for whom creativity is novel". Some great wisdom sprinkled in, but felt strangely juvenile despite his immense success and experience, and unhelpfully vague.

Rating: 3/5

Commonwealth by Ann Patchett

This was just a great book plain and simple. It hit all the marks of a good book without going above and beyond causing me to love it. It reminded me a lot of The Bee Sting by Paul Murray (one of my favorite reads ever), just a few steps below it. Somehow, by the end of the book the characters you thought were awful turn into real people— flawed but still doing their best. To be able to make you understand and root for someone who does bad things is a testament to Patchett’s skill!

Rating: 4/5

Funny Weather by Olivia Laing

This is a book of nonfiction essays that explore why art matters in our world, specifically through tumultuous periods of politics, policy, destruction, and war. There are a lot of essays about artists who died from AIDS, and I find myself struck numb by the crisis. Similar to when I read Angels in America in high school while reading this book, I was hit by not only how truly horrific it was, but how it has been downplayed significantly in our society. This is a book about artists, and you truly see how many gay artists who were pioneers in their field perished from AIDS, leaving a huge absence of high-powered gay people in both creative and business/political fields for others to look up to. This book was ripe with food for thought. I didn’t like all the essays as they sometimes felt without a point, but the ones I did I loved, and it was all masterfully written. ONE HUGE COMPLAINT: There needs to be an insert with all of the artworks mentioned/referenced! It drove me crazy having to look them all up as I read!! I also went on a Google craze looking up what it was called when books would have a group of photos in the middle of a book (an insert) because that was such a staple of books when I was a kid. Now they have more advanced printing so they aren’t as necessary but this book needs it.

Rating: 3/5

Demon Copperhead by Barbara Kingsolver

This was a reread for me because I had tried starting 3 BOOKS before this and put them all down due to bad writing. I knew then that I was craving good writing, and when you want good writing look no further than Kingsolver. If you haven’t read this book yet, you simply must. It is SO important to read especially in this time. It swelled up my heart with expanded empathy for every person on this planet who faces challenges easily dismissed or made fun of. Appalachia and its people are so strong, and this book is a testimony to their resilience. Demon will stay with me for my whole life I think, I just root so hard for him.

Rating: 5/5

The Margot Affair

I discovered this book through and her book post. I had placed a hold on this book on Libby and when it became available I honestly wasn’t super in the mood to read it, but as is the joy with library books, you only have a small window to do so! So, I read this book and thankfully I easily fell into its rhythm and enjoyed being thrust into Paris. I thought it was a great idea for a book but it felt a little rushed, while also dragging in places. That paradox can usually be attributed to writing that is unable to pin down pacing correctly which was the case with this book in my opinion. My favorite part of this book was honestly the descriptions of food throughout— it felt very Hemingway-esque. So, great idea for a book but gives too much time to unimportant aspects.

Rating: 3/5

Stay Sane by Greg Harden

Greg Harden is an icon in the sports world for the mental coaching he has given countless high-performing athletes such as Tom Brady and Michael Phelps. This isn’t a self-help book, but a book of stories of athletes that he has helped and their journey’s after applying his teaching. I was shocked at how much this resonated with me, and I wrote down a lot of quotes and lessons from the book for future reference. It was simple and straight to the point, advising on how to apply an athlete’s mindset to everything you do.

Rating: 5/5

Whale Fall by Elizabeth O’Connor

I found this book purely from having the cover stop me in my tracks because of how pretty I found it. I read the back of the book and it sounded like the perfect Fall read, which I’m glad to report was right. If you are looking for a book to get you into the autumn season I highly recommend this one. Set on a coastal island off the shore of Wales, you are dropped into the dark and damp world of the island people, who are being interviewed by two scholars eager to gather and share their culture… but they seem intent on adding their twists as they see fit. There is a sly lesson snuck into the poetic prose of this short novel, and it is one of the most atmospheric books I’ve ever read. While some of the challenges the main character goes through fell a bit flat for me, I flew through this book. And I mean look at that cover!

Rating: 3.75/5

Open by Andre Agassi

I have been recommended this book by my grandparents, parents, and brother, and FINALLY felt like reading it this month. Thank god I did. This is one of those books where you might pick it up to read a few pages and then all of a sudden you’re 50 pages deep. Agassi holds absolutely nothing back in this autobiography (that is enticingly written thanks to his ghostwriter), and I went from being heartbroken while reading about his childhood to riveted reading about his Grand Slam wins and the blood sweat, and tears it took to get there. If you’re looking to get into nonfiction, I think this would be a fantastic book to start. It reads like a Taylor Jenkins Reid novel, filled with athletes and stars set against a backdrop of family drama and world cities.

Rating: 4/5

I read some looong books this month, so fewer books than usual but that tends to happen in the fall/winter when I start to reach for more immersive reads. It’s a lot easier to disappear into a book when you’re tucked in bed with football on and candles lit in October than it is running around the beach and barbeques and summer fun. I can’t wait to enter the best time of the year!!

I also wanted to include a semi-TBR for October. This isn’t hard set or anything, just books that I’m planning to get to this month, but sometimes I’ll randomly find or get recommended a book so I’m never strict with this, and hopefully gives you all some more book recs :)

October TBR

• The Great Alone by Kristin Hannah

• Only Dull People Are Brilliant at Breakfast by Oscar Wilde

• The Vanishing Half by Brit Bennett (this has been on my shelf for years so just need to get it over with. I hate owning books I haven’t read)

• A Mercy by Toni Morrison

• Belichick by Ian O’Connor

• The Fall by Albert Camus

• Walden by Henry David Thoreau

• Sea of Tranquility by Emily St. John Mandel

• The Price of Time by Edward Chancellor

• Phantasma by Kaylie Smith

• The Book of Doors by Gareth Brown

I’m currently reading The Poppy Wars and I’m devouring it 50 pages in. As always I love any and all book recommendations!! So many books, so little time…

-Lilly

How did he do this? Kuechly was known for how much film he watched and studied. He was vigilant about the mental side of the game, and put in hours and hours of mental training, by watching and learning all of his opponent’s plays so that he could perform the way he did on the field. All the extra work he put in when no one else was watching, when he had already done what was technically required of him, is what propelled him to be such a menace on the field. When everyone else had gone home, he continued to work.

Jimmy Iovine is the cofounder of Interscope Records and Beats Headphones, and the producer of John Lennon, Bruce Springsteen, and Stevie Nicks amongst many other legends in music. He discovered Dr. Dre, Snoop Dogg, Eminem, Lady Gaga, and many more artists who would go on to change the landscape of music forever. Simple put, Iovine is the best of the best in music. He is an icon.

So how did Jimmy go from Red Hook Brooklyn, where he worked as a janitor at a record company, to being inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and signing hundred million dollar deals with Apple? In “The Defiant Ones”, the documentary following his life (which I watch every year), Iovine talks about how early on in his career working as a production assistant, he would stay after hours once the recording rooms were empty and play around on the machines, trying out different methods, and familiarizing himself with the tools. Iovine was asked to come in and work on Easter Sunday. He jumped at the chance, knowing all work opportunitues at that point were a step ahead for him. Bruce Springsteen was recording that day, and Jimmy was able to help produce his single Born to Run. And you would think that’s the point I’m trying to get at, right? That Jimmy also put in the work after hours and it led him to being able to step up to the plate?

In a way. Jimmy was prepared, but not for Springsteen. Springteen was unbearable to Jimmy, obessing over every little detail of the song from the type of drum claps to the annunication of each word, and everything else in between. Jimmy complained to Springsteen’s manager Landau about how he couldn't do this anymore. Landau said, “you have two choices: quit, or walk into the studio and help Bruce make the best record he could.” Landau explained that everyone in that room was simply there to help in the process. That is wasn’t supposed to be enjoyable, wasn’t supposed to be immediately rewarding. Jimmy put his head down and got to work, finally understanding that rushing towards the end without the work wasn’t going to create the masterpiece that Bruce wanted.

I’ve been thinking a lot about what makes successful people successful. I think a lot about this quote from Tom Brady:

“To be successful at anything, the truth is you don't have to be special. You have to be what most people aren't: consistent, determined, and willing to work for it. No shortcuts.”

It isn’t about the raw talent. It’s what you do when you’re out of the spotlight, on your own, with a choice to do the work when no one is watching. Kuechly would have been a great linebacker even if he didn’t do the extra work, but by choosing to do it he was able to change the circumstances around him to allow himself the best chance at success. While others were having to slog through the normal path of guessing games and trial and error, the prepation Luke had done created an entirely different way to play the game: Anticipating, not reacting. Jimmy Iovine similarly was able to take the lesson learned with Springsteen and understand that the minute work that is poured into every second of a song is all a part of the process of creating greatness. By putting in the work day in and day out on the tinniness of the drum cymbal in a half second of a song, Jimmy took out the guesswork of why something didn’t sound right because he would know right away. By knowing every aspect of the song inside and out, he was able to take all the brain power that would go to mulling over where a problem was occurring, and instead focus on honing his craft and learning what sounds good and what doesn't.

I think there is another key aspect to all of the work they put into their respective fields. It was done in the dark. It wasn’t touted or flaunted. It was done without nods of approval or words of affirmation delivered. It wasn’t done for praise or recognition, but because they both had an insatiable desire to be the best. You have to put in the work, yes, but you also have to be able to do the work when no one is looking or watching. It’s a tree falling in the forest: Is it a success only if people see it? If the answer for yourself is yes, that’s something to think about. I think it means more when you’re doing it for yourself. When you’re doing it not because you have to, but because it’s the only way to allow yourself the best chance at success later on. I’m building a foundation right now, and I like to remind myself why I’m doing it. I’m doing it because it’s the only way to allow myself to perform in the best way possible because the work I put in can actively carve out a path in life that allows me to be one step ahead of everyone else. It has the awesome power of shaping your reality. Because I want to know my competition, my work, everything, inside and out. Anticipation versus reaction. Preperation. Process. Work ethic. A silent one.

-Lilly

For half a decade now, I have read and learned about Memento Mori, about how the present moment is where worries and stress cannot exist in abundance, only in your current situation. That this too shall pass. That the only way out is through. That your only focus should be things within your control. I have read letters from Seneca, and diaries from Marcus Aurelius and Epictetus. I have taken two college courses on stoic philosophy, and I have dutifully filled out the Daily Stoic journal yearly.

Marcus Aurelius said: “Don’t let your reflection on the whole sweep of life crush you. Don’t fill your mind with all the bad things that might still happen. Stay focused on the present situation.”

I have done all the work, and yet I have never been able to master the art of staying in the moment. But bit by bit, I chip away.

Recently, I have had a breakthrough. In many large ways, I have relinquished all hopes and dreams for my future. When I think of my future, I think of being happy and that is it. Gone are daydreams of exact accomplishments and the benefits they would reap. I have finally mastered the ability to have a thought about the future, anxiety-ridden or hopeful, and cast it aside quickly, knowing it doesn’t serve me either way.

My past has been much harder to let go of. I am not proud of the suffocating amount of resentment I still carry. The shame and guilt and anger, all directed towards myself. Why didn’t I… and If only, I ask myself constantly. There is knowing, of course, that I wouldn't be who I am today without all I have been through and done. But when I can trace back, like a parasite that has wormed its way through, the things that prevent me from finding full peace in the moment, it is hard to not grow angry.

There are of course coping methods that help bandaid this bullethole. To accept what is but with a defeatist tone. Well, I guess I’ll never ____ but it’s ok, that’s just the cards I’ve been dealt. That’s just who I am. It starts to feel good to have a justification within your vindication. To justify is a divine declaration of righteousness. To vindicate is to clear someone of blame or suspicion. So you are not just clearing yourself of blame, but doing so with the idea that it is being done with fortified, all-seeing knowledge. It is a lie.

This is a path that my Dad has very wisely told me to pull myself out of. Dostoevsky also puts this idea plainly yet beautifully, as always:

“It is sometimes very pleasant to take offense, isn’t it?” There is a comfort in taking something that causes you pain and leads to uncertainty, and twisting it into something that may still cause you to suffer, but you know exactly why and how it is doing it. There is no more uncertainty, which can be a (temporary) relief.

But there is suffering, no matter how delicately you have shaped it to fit in a containable place within you.

So, where to go from here? I don’t know. But I think continuing to strive for a complete sense of self within the present is a good place to be. The older I get, the more I regret the time wasted on being unhappy. I am beginning to realize how fully we shape our own reality. We decide if we are happy or not; a daunting truth but one that fills me with purpose.

And now, for a little less of a serious read, I wanted to share some things that I have been loving and enjoying this past week! I’m thinking of it as capturing what my present currently looks like:

Reading:

Last week I read Commonwealth by Ann Patchet and Funny Weather by Olivia Laing. I’ll do a deeper dive into them in my monthly reading recap, but overall really enjoyed both.

I started three (three!!) books after Funny Weather and after I got ten percent through them I had to stop because the writing was just not good. One was a fantasy called Five Broken Blades, once was a romance called Collide, and one was a literary fiction/romance called Just Last Night. Just Last Night lasted a record 2 pages before one of the main characters who I knew we were supposed to like said something to offensively immature and gross to be I knew I would never be able to get on board. These three awful starts prompted me to start a reread of Demon Copperhead because I think that it has one of the best first lines I’ve ever read, and it’s such incredibly immersive writing, which is obviously what I was craving!

Watching:

Football is back and I couldn't be happier. Sunday Night Football always helps with my Sunday Blues and yesterday on the plane I was watching the Chiefs vs Bengals game. I’m not a die-hard for either team but for some reason, it was one of the best games I’ve ever watched. As someone with ADHD, I am obviously also a Redzone fan.

I also watched Hard Knocks this year because it was for the Bears and I’m from Chicago and also my brothers were watching so I thought why not. It was good but I obviously can’t handle it emotionally because I cried when one of my favorite players tore his ACL in preseason.

I am planning to rewatch The Defiant Ones soon, which has had such a major influence on my life, I even wrote about it here.

Listening:

My current Spotify playlists:

Doing:

I started writing a book last week. It sounds bigger than it is, really I got an idea in my brain that seemed lodged, so I needed to get it out. It flowed out so easily, I have 30 pages right now and an outline. I wrote three of my best songs ever last week, so I think writing the book has been extremely helpful in coming up with ideas.

I’ve been going on lots of evening walks as it cools down and the sun starts to set earlier.

I went to Ann Patchett’s bookstore here in Nashville and bought myself two books as a sort of pat on the back for getting through my (almost) first month of living in Nashville. I got The Poppy Wars by R.F. Kuang and Whale Falls by Elizabeth O’Connor.

The leaves are changing, I’m going to make banana bread this week, and my favorite part of the year is here. I’m going to a BMI event tomorrow which I am very excited about. I am writing and reading so much, so so much which is everything I’ve ever wanted! And hockey starts soon… what more could a girl want?

Xx,

Lilly

First of all, I’ve got some new readers recently so I’d like to say thank you so much for being here. This is just something I do for fun to help hone my writing skills and work on discipline.

As an early bird, my Sunday morning began at 7 AM. I woke up, slid open my windows, and felt the crisp chill of the September dawn which instantly brightened my mood. I made my coffee and took it outside on the patio, along with my book, which is currently Commonwealth by Ann Patchett. I don’t think anything could’ve made me happier at that moment. As a cold weather lover, the first chilly morning spent outside with a coffee and a book is the pinnacle of my happiness.

I had no plans on this Sunday, which won’t happen for a while so I wanted to take full advantage and have the best day I could think of. That meant heading over to get a pastry from my new favorite gluten free & vegan bakery and taking it to Shelby Park to journal and read on a bench by the pond (thank you to Savannah and Blakely for their incredible Nash recs that have been the perfect guide for me these first few weeks). I’m reading Commonwealth right now like I mentioned, but I also grabbed The Creative Act by Rick Rubin to bring along because it’s been staring at me from my bookshelf since my Mom got it for me for Christmas. I just haven’t felt compelled to reach for it until this week. So, there I am on a bench with birds chirping and water bubbling, ducks quaking and leaves blowing in the breeze, and I’m reading this book about essentially what my job consists of, writing and being creative. While there were a few lines I underlined, I mostly just felt disconnected. I couldn’t agree with his language, with his outline of creativity.

I think this harkens back to a strange dual belief I hold that despite having a creative job, I don’t feel like an “artist” or even a creative person at all most of the time. If I had to guess I would say that this most likely stems from coming from a sports family and playing competitively my whole life. Sports were everything in my house growing up. Driving to practice, tournaments, workouts, a quick stop to get the skates sharpened. Spare hats and jackets in the trunk for the hours upon hours spent in rinks, clutching a travel mug of something steaming. Lacrosse practices that I would bring a book to, because I knew it could be a good two hours before my mom might be able to pick me up, busy driving and taking care of my four siblings. A 3 sport athlete in high school while also playing club lacrosse, it was all sports, mostly all the time.

It was everything. And so my music and my writing and my creative streak was this strange second skin that I’d always have on, but it took a different shape than what I’ve seen it do for others. When I’m creating, I don’t feel spiritually connected, whimsical, or chosen. I don’t have that woo-woo feeling. For me, I find such a thrill in the competition of writing the best thing I possibly could. I get angry when I don’t think I’m doing it as well as I should, I focus heavily on the work it takes, I revel in the challenge and I love when it’s hard. I like having to crack a song open from a seemingly sealed-shut place. I’m competing with myself, to be the best fucking writer I can possibly be. And Rubin does comment on this, which I thought was nice that I at least fell under some realm of what he deems the right path:

But mostly, he talks about how creativity flows, and how you shouldn’t put limits on it, that it shouldn’t be created for anything but yourself. That you are simply a vessel for a higher vibrational being that is working through you.

I’m sorry, but I have to call bullshit. My mindset for sports is the same mindset I apply to my writing. Be the fucking best. Not comparative to others, but to myself. I compete with myself. I feel like an athlete, a creative athlete… does that sound as stupid and cheesy to you as it does in my head? I just can’t think of another way to describe it.

On this bench at the park as I watched the water glimmer under the dappled light coming through the trees, I couldn’t help but relate the reasons I shrink away from the flowery language about creation and artistry, to the reason why I’m having such a hard time reading the current essays and articles I’m coming across both on Substack and traditional news sources. They’re all falling flat. Everything feels a little bit fake— a little bit performative.

Now, I don’t think Rick Ruban is fake or performative, nor do I think that the people writing these essays are either. But it does feel like everyone is trying to emphasize their specialness. I don’t want to sound mean, but sometimes I read essays on here that people write about themselves and I think God, can’t everyone see how unimportant we all are? It’s hard. I love to think about life in all its facets, and I like to write about my own experiences, and of course, everyone can and SHOULD do that. But more and more I’m becoming restless reading these words when it just all seems so be a competiton of who can be smarter or more self aware or more unique. I mean, just look at the uproar that Emily’s piece caused— People want to feel special and important and it’s hard to feel that way when people are doing what you do and sometimes doing it better.

I believe that this is where you have to relinquish competition and comparison to others and only compete with yourself. For instance, if this take upsets you, it’s a good thing I mean absolutely nothing to you! My words here aren’t important and I think that’s lovely. I think it’s such a curse to try to be important. Ugh. We are all the same and it’s so great and so comforting. I hope I am NEVER the smartest person in the room, and I hope to god I never think I am. I want to learn for the rest of my life and I want to ask stupid questions to better understand and I want to surround myself with those who make me smarter.

My family and I love the Olympics. Coming from a family of professional athletes, I have always looked up to them for inspiration. While watching the summer olympcis this year, I couldn’t help but think that if these people who sacrifice, who give up blood, sweat, and tears, who dedicate their lives to being the best version of themselves, could be the most followed and looked up to instead of a random pretty face you see on the internet, would we all feel more fulfilled? If we could see the hard work and pain that people we follow endure, instead of the easy lives full of luxury and beauty, would we feel less alone? I am actually asking, what are the influencers you follow doing to better your life? What is the time spent scrolling doing to you? If it’s pure entertainment, that’s great. I watch Youtube at night sometimes (I love Sara Carroli)! But to be entertained constantly is alarming to me. The lack of regulation and time restraints is questionable.

The barrier to entry into all of our psyches is so thin nowadays that it’s pretty much nonexistent. In the current times, the qualities required to be someone worth caring about are so low and superficial. So, I am becoming a lot more selective in what I choose to turn to when I’m looking to learn. I want to make clear that this is not about leisure or pleasure- for instance, I’ll always love my cheesy little romcom books. But I’m finding myself wanting to build up my barrier of entry. I don’t want to consume something that is being made to feed an ego. Because that’s something rotten and it’s not going to help me grow. I’m not gonna start following Rick Rubin’s prescription of creativity, and I’m not gonna read a writer who is trying to prove their intelligence desperately to their audience and themselves.

But then again, as Rubin did say, “you can try the opposite or the extreme of what’s suggested in these pages and it will likely be just as fruitful.”

So if you disagree with me, you’re probably also right. Good thing none of this matters, and at the best I hope I made you think deeply about the quality and intentions of what you consume.

Xx,

Lilly

Hello everyone!

Happy Sunday. I am currently sitting in my Nashville apartment with sheets of rain falling outside my window and I thought there could not be a better time to write about one of my favorite things in this world: books! Specifically, what I read in August.

I don’t really know how to communicate what reading means to me. It’s a lifeline. It’s something I’ve always had my entire life, so much so that to me, it’s almost synonymous with living. Since I was five years old when I read the first Harry Potter book, it’s been as necessary as my need to breathe. And as long as I breathe, I hope I read, and as long as I read, I hope to write. And I write about life, which I gather from books. It’s all one big circle.

Anyway, here are my August reads!

Doppelganger by Naomi Klein

4/5. This nonfiction book was fantastically written and (I would argue more importantly) researched. While Klein obviously does lean towards the left, she does so unapologetically without trying to hide it and has no problem calling out their complicity with the issues she tackles. Such a fascinating lens to view the current political sphere through doppelgängers and Klein's very own one— I was enthralled the entire time. Some chapters felt so bleak that they began to be hard to read but Klein was able to pull off an ending that feels hopeful without being fake. Truly such an important read for this time.

Play Along by Liz Tomforde

1/5. This was a poorly written book with little to no plot, characters that are unassuming and dull, and a lackluster love story that never rose above surface level. I usually read these kinds of books as a fun little indulgence, but I don’t think “trashy” romance books should be excused for bad writing. We need to have some sort of barometer of writing that needs to be met. Or I guess at least I do.

Slaughterhouse-Five

4/5. I had surprisingly never read this book in school and upon finding a copy of it in my house I started it on a whim. I enjoyed the first half of the book well enough, but once it became clear how artfully Vonnegut had been structuring the story, specifically timelinewise, I was absolutely enthralled and blown away. This book is well loved and well read for a reason. I’ve seem some people complain about the repetition of “so it goes.” after the death of something in the novel, but I vehemently adored this choice. I usually don’t love books centered around war, and this is technically an Antiwar book, but one of the lines kind of summed up how I feel about that perfectly:

"“You know what I say to people when I hear they’re writing anti-war books?”
“No. What do you say, Harrison Starr?”
“I say, ‘Why don’t you write an anti-glacier book instead?’ ”" (P. 3)

Trust by Hernan Diaz

5/5. It’s always fun to read a book around the person who recommended it. My brother Jack told me to read this, and I kept feverishly pouncing question after question at him about this book. This is my second book I’ve read from the author, the first being In The Distance which I also gave a 5/5. This was truly a phenomenal novel. Hernan Diaz is quickly becoming one of my favorite writers, and it’s very obvious why this book won a Pulitzer— innovative whilst still being rooted in age old tradition and questions. You’re essentially reading a novel within a novel, as well as an unfinished memoir, and other accounts of the same story. Such a unique way to tell a story and that is a hard feat to accomplish these days.

We Could Be So Good by Cat Sebastian

4/5. This was such a sweet book and the amazing writing made me once again contemplate why romance books are being excused for awful writing when beautifully crafted and written ones like this exist. These characters are so fleshed out, and it’s so lovely to see them grow throughout the book. The plot isn’t too exciting as is usually the case with more character driven books like romances, but because she gives so much personality and depth to Nick and Andy you don’t quite mind the plot being a background character until maye the last 15% of the book when it begins to drag a but. Overall, just a sickly sweet read but in the best way. Oh and it’s set in the 1950’s which is such a fun place to inhabit while you read.

The Hobbit by J.R.R. Tolkien

4/5. This book felt like curling up in a cabin in Wisconsin as the leaves give way to the whispering wind that turns cheeks red, but not as long as you stay inside wrapped up in a mohair blanket and a cup of something piping hot with a fire blazing nearby. This was my first time reading anything in this world, and I think I’ll try my hand at Lord Of The Rings sometime because I really enjoyed the world built here.

Talking at Night by Claire Daverley

5/5. Someone said that this book is soft spoken, and I couldn’t agree more. I read Normal People at too young an age to fully appreciate it (I plan to reread soon), but this book was very reminscent of that novel. Rosie and Will are two incredible characters with real flaws, and it was so beautiful to watch them trapeize through life while trying to overcome the obstacles holding them back. This book is stunning. The writing is some of the best I’ve ever read, I think I underlined more in this book than any other before. I remember thinking to myself in Chapter 2, if I was to write a book I would want it to feel and read like this. During the last 20% of the book I was frustrated with how the characters problems were persisiting for so long, but I think Daverley’s quality of writing excuses the slower pace, or at least rose above the flaw. I’ve never given a book that I have had an issue with 5 stars, but man, the writing. The writing was just so magical for me. This is a love story that’s weathered and worn but that just makes it all the better.

Heartless Hunter by Kristen Ciccarelli

1/5. I’m just going to leave my unpolished Goodreads review here because I don’t want to waste anymore time on this book: This felt so thrown together and the characters were extremely one dimensional. Such lazy tropes used, like oh she can be pretty but ALSO not a raging narcissist bitch? Wow! Like GET A GRIP. Felt like a worse version of every decent fantasy I’ve ever read, sorry this was mean lol.

The Ex Vows by Jessica Joyce

4/5. Please hear me out— despite this butt fucking ugly cover (and the cringe title) that once again makes me want to hunt down whoever is now approving and slapping these ugly animated covers on actually well written romanc books, this book was actually a great story with great characters. I debated between a 3 and 4 star but ultimately I thought about this book for a while after finishing it so that says a lot. I think I was just able to personally relate to a lot of the issues the characters dealt with so I enjoyed it more than usual. I also thought that the dialogue was very well done and not cringe like a lot of book nowadays.

A Farewell to Arms by Ernest Hemmingway

4/5. The ending of this book bulldozes you. Hemingway has great dry humour which I really enjoy, and his blunt and dry prose are enjoyable to me which I know is heavily debated. My main issue with Hemingway, which I will keep brief here but could discuss at length, is that in all of his books, all the female characters are more or less the same character over and over again. There is no depth or charisma or literally anything discerning about them. They could be swapped in and out with zero change to the story. In a story about love, the female main character talks about how she wants to be a good wife and virtually nothing else. Disappointing when I do love Hemingway and I seriously did love this story— like I said, what a gut wrenching ending, I can’t imagine how much more impactful it could have been if we were given more of a female character to root for and love.

Love and Other Words by Christina Lauren

2/5. This book was really immature and honestly annoying to read. I did not connect with the characters at all, but the biggest issue I had was that in this book 11 years have passed between the two characters seeing each other, and yet this distance is virtually ignored. There is no discernable change, discussion, or notice of the gap of time and therefore missing pieces of life between these two. To be blunt, this was just a bad book. Giving it 2 stars because the twist at the end was decent enough.

Table For Two by Amor Towles

4/5. I love Towles so goddman much. The only reason this isn’t 5/5 is because its a collection of short stories and a novella, so I feel like I can’t give it the same as a full length novel. Amor Towles knows how to write women and it’s so refreshing. I loved all of these short stories and it was so fun reading a novella about Eve from Rules of Civility since I loved that book so much. I laugh more reading Towles than any other, and it’s not because he writes comedically, but because of how human it all is. Another amazing read from him!

You Should Be So Lucky by Cat Sebastian

2/5. I needed a dumb book to read, and I thought since her other book was such a hit for me this month I would equally enjoy this one, but it felt like a rinse and repeat: the same, but with less shimmer and shine.

The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran

I did a whole newsletter about this, so obviously it really impacted me. Not the type of writing you can rate.

Alone With You In The Ether by Olivie Blake.

2/5. My second book by Blake, and the second one I disliked so safe to say I will be staying away from her in the future. While reading this I kept flip flopping in my head on whether I was enjoying it or not, and the last 70 or so pages cemented the latter. I find this cyclical kind of writing not only infuriating to read but anxiety provoking. You essentially have two unreliable narrators in Regan and Aldo and there is no through line of reality whatsoever. I was also so thrown off by the narrator additions that occur at the beginning and then never show up again. A lot of the lines in this are really cringey and cheesy. It’s presumptuous writing, and this is really mean I’m sorry, but because it’s clear the author has no real education or knowledge on theoretical mathematics the whole thing feels really flimsy. And I won’t even get into have fucked up the actual relationship dynamics are.

A Modest Proposal and Other Satirical Works by Jonathan Swift

Again, a bit of an unrateable read. I am on a mission to read all the work that influenced Hozier’s Unreal Unearth album because it is such an important album to me. I’ve read Dante’s Inferno and I think the next one will be The Third Policeman, which inspired De Selby pt. 1 and 2. Since his song Eat Your Young is influenced by/about A Modest Proposal I was glad to finally read the essay and some other of Swift’s work.

As always please leave any book recommendations below! I do tend to mood read a bit in the sense that I love books set in the season I am in, so please let me know of any good Fall reads! Happy beginning of September :)

Xx,

Lilly

Comfort comes in many forms. The embrace of someone you love, the scratchy familiarity of your favorite old sweater on your skin, curling up in your covers with the lamps on low after a long day, the pattering of rain on the windowpane as you stay safely warm inside. Or, seeing your own emotions and thoughts also be experienced by others, the ones you were sure no one else could have possibly tripped across as well in the expanse of the metaphysical world.

That last comfort is bone deep. It’s why music is so powerful. Combining commiserating words with rhythmic entrainment (when emotion is evoked from music because an external rhythm in the music influences our bodily rhythm) is a surefire way to create a deeply spiritual experience for many. In college, I took a Music and Language class, and we learned how certain beats mimic our internal pulses, allowing musicians to enter our psyches with their music. It’s what I love, when music cuts me so deep it seems to infuse itself inside of me.

But I’ve always tended to focus on lyrics more than beats and rhythms. It’s also why I love to read, because I like getting that heart-stopping realization that I am in this book. My thoughts are in this book. To deviate a bit, this goes hand in hand with my belief that more people need to read to shrink their egos upon seeing that they are not the originator of any thought or notion they believe they only have laid claim to. Trust me, you are never the first to think anything. We are not all thought leaders, I don’t think anyone is. We are all at the same level of capability. That’s beside my point though, sorry. Back on track.

So, this is all a prelude to what I wanted to delve into this week, hopefully to your benefit. My older brother Jack sent my parents and me some quotes from this book he was reading and they gave me that feeling— the comfort of seeing your inner monologue mirrored.

The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran is a book of prose consisting of 26 fables that discuss his philosophy on different aspects of life. It is one of the best-selling books of all time, so read it. Seriously, it’s really short and really worth it. As I was reading, I wrote down the remarks that stuck with me in my commonplace book. I wanted to share them with you all and give some of my thoughts.

The first was from the chapter 2, On Love:

“For love is sufficient unto love….Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.”

Gibran, Kahlil. The Prophet (p. 6). AB Books.

Love is sufficient unto love. That stuck out to me, or rather stuck into me, like a knife to the chest. Love needs nothing but love to thrive. What else is there in the world that we can say the same about? It made me wonder, if love needs nothing beyond itself because it is complete, then it cannot stem from a singular thing or person. If it is a circle, it has to encompass everything within it. Therefore, in my humble opinion, all love must begin with unconditional self-love. We hear often that you cannot love others properly until you love yourself. Every relationship in our lives that we pour love into will eventually want to make its way back to ourselves. And you have to let it in because Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.

Next, from Chapter 8, On Joy & Sorrow:

“The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain…. When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy. When you are sorrowful, look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.”

Gibran, Kahlil. The Prophet (pp. 12-13). AB Books.

To make sense of this quote, let me use another quote (because again, we all circle the same thoughts, thinking ourselves alone). One of my favorites. “I contain multitudes.” There is much that can live inside of us. Sometimes, when you are fully immersed in a certain moment and the emotions that come with it, it is almost impossible to imagine that you will ever feel the opposing ones. On the happiest days of our lives, it is hard to remember what all our crying and misery was about. On our hardest, it can seem like a falsity that we once laughed without a care in the world. In actuality, the space that the pain carves out in our hearts only creates a deeper cavity for the joy to eventually take its place in. We cannot have one without the other. Again, this is not a new message, just the constant reminder that we always needs (or atleast I do). You are weeping for that which has been your delight. It’s a practice of gratitude. When I miss my family so much it hurts, I think about how lucky I am to feel that specific type of pain. A pain only love can create. And as we discussed, love needs nothing but love, so really, pain caused from love is love being expressed in the only way it knows how to in the moment.

Next, Chapter 14, On Freedom:

“…you can only be free when even the desire of seeking freedom becomes a harness to you, and when you cease to speak of freedom as a goal and a fulfillment.”

Gibran, Kahlil. The Prophet (p. 20). AB Books.

In order to be free, you need to have acceptance and inner peace. If you pursue freedom from something, you are simply pursuing another pursuit. That does not sound very free.

Next, Chapter 16, On Pain:

And you would accept the seasons of your heart, even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields. And you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief. Much of your pain is self-chosen. It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self. Therefore trust the physician, and drink his remedy in silence and tranquillity:

Gibran, Kahlil. The Prophet (p. 22). AB Books.

Much of your pain is self-chosen. It’s hard to hear sometimes. I’ve been indignant at times when presented with this notion, knowing that I could not have prevented the pain being thrust upon me by outside sources. But then, I have to remind myself that I cannot control anything but myself. I choose my reactions. I choose to dwell and ruminate. I choose to be angry. Instead, I need to accept the seasons of my heart. Why? Because again, without pain there is no love, without pain there is no feeling, without pain there is no reason. You must watch it pass over you in silence and tranquility. You may come to thank it later, I know I have.

Next, Chapter 17, On Self Knowledge:

"You would know in words that which you have always known in thought….self is a sea boundless and measureless. Say not, “I have found the truth,” but rather, “I have found a truth.”"

Gibran, Kahlil. The Prophet (p. 22). AB Books.

I tend to work in a cycle. I have the same 4 epiphanies every month about why I act and think the way I do, about where it stems from, and about what I need to do to change for the better. I believe I find the truth. In reality, it happens again the next month when more of myself is revealed to me. I have found a truth, and I continue to do so.

Next, Chapter 22, On Good and Evil:

“You are good in countless ways, and you are not evil when you are not good.”

Gibran, Kahlil. The Prophet (p. 26). AB Books.

Not much else I can add, just an extremely important reminder to all of us. You are not evil when you are not good. I need to revisit this atleast once a month.

Next, Chapter 24, On Pleasure

“And in their fear.. they shun all pleasures, lest they neglect the spirit or offend against it. But even in their foregoing is their pleasure.”

Gibran, Kahlil. The Prophet (p. 28). AB Books.

This one is more directed specifically at myself, and it was a fantastic call out for my ego. I’m not someone who loves to partake in what I would call popular pleasure for my age group. I don’t drink (I stopped for health reasons a while ago, but now there are two goals in my head that I have somehow turned into finish lines, in which once they are reached I’ll have a drink), I don’t enjoy going out save a dinner or sometimes a sports bar, I don’t eat junk food because again I’m terrified to for health reasons, I don’t smoke, hell I don’t even like to take advil. Sometimes, and this is just me being very honest and blunt, I get a little bit competitive, thinking that maybe not doing some of the things others my age like to do for fun is giving me an edge. Like I’m able to spend that time more wisely, or be more fresh and ready. I am definitley not judging anyone, it’s more a reassurance to myself that my otherness isn’t just ok but maybe a skill. This was a fantastic reminder that in foregoing pleasure, I am finding pleasure. I am no better. I am also no worse.

Finally, Chapter 20, On Talking. I wanted to save this for last because it stands on it own:

“And in much of your talking, thinking is half murdered….The silence of aloneness reveals to their eyes their naked selves and they would escape….the spirit dwells in rhythmic silence.”

Gibran, Kahlil. The Prophet (p. 24). AB Books.

Once again, so you can really pay attention: And in much of your talking, thinking is half murdered.

This is quite long and I can’t imagine anyone actually reading it, so props to you if you made it through! I wrote this for myself as much as anyone else, as it always should be :)

Xx,

Lilly

This is an email from Christopher Sommer to Tim Ferriss, and it is dripping wisdom in every sentence. I have bolded the ones that stuck with me the most:

Hi Tim,

Patience. Far too soon to expect strength improvements. Strength improvements [for a movement like this] take a minimum of 6 weeks. Any perceived improvements prior to that are simply the result of improved synaptic facilitation. In plain English, the central nervous system simply became more efficient at that particular movement with practice. This is, however, not to be confused with actual strength gains. Dealing with the temporary frustration of not making progress is an integral part of the path toward excellence. In fact, it is essential and something that every single elite athlete has had to learn to deal with. If the pursuit of excellence was easy, everyone would do it.

In fact, this impatience in dealing with frustration is the primary reason that most people fail to achieve their goals. Unreasonable expectations timewise, resulting in unnecessary frustration, due to a perceived feeling of failure. Achieving the extraordinary is not a linear process. The secret is to show up, do the work, and go home. A blue-collar work ethic married to indomitable will. It is literally that simple. Nothing interferes. Nothing can sway you from your purpose. Once the decision is made, simply refuse to budge. Refuse to compromise. And accept that quality long-term results require quality long-term focus. No emotion. No drama. No beating yourself up over small bumps in the road. Learn to enjoy and appreciate the process. This is especially important because you are going to spend far more time on the actual journey than with those all too brief moments of triumph at the end.

Certainly celebrate the moments of triumph when they occur. More importantly, learn from defeats when they happen. In fact, if you are not encountering defeat on a fairly regular basis, you are not trying hard enough. And absolutely refuse to accept less than your best.

Throw out a timeline. It will take what it takes. If the commitment is to a long-term goal and not to a series of smaller intermediate goals, then only one decision needs to be made and adhered to. Clear, simple, straightforward. Much easier to maintain than having to make small decision after small decision to stay the course when dealing with each step along the way. This provides far too many opportunities to inadvertently drift from your chosen goal. The single decision is one of the most powerful tools in the toolbox.

I talk about it quite often, but as a former D1 athlete, I frame a lot of my life goals as an athlete would. A large part of who I am has been formed from the lessons learned playing sports at a high level. Discipline, determination, teamwork, competition, accomplishing a large goal by reaching small goals everyday with the work ethic and focus it takes to do so. There is not one thing listed above that cannot be applied to a goal outside of sports.

One additional suggestion I would make, is to restart every day as if the day before never happened. Prove yourself everyday. By being unable to rely on past accomplishments and praise, you find a need to continue that blue collar work ethic day after day. You see that dwelling on the past is just as bad as being to focused on the future.

This is a different letter than my usual ramblings, but again, I would hate to butcher an already perfected message by another. The points made can be applied to spiritual goals of life as well, not just egotistical ones. If you wish to live a life of servitude or love, that is something that requires daily practice and work. This is all to say, there is an untapped power in each of us to accomplish things we may think impossible. Looking at the end is daunting. But the time will pass anyway, so you might as well work daily to achieve something within the confines of it.

The time will pass anyway. You might as well.

Xx,

Lilly