Charlie is peaceful about his decision, and I am proud of his strength and clarity. As difficult as this time is for me, it makes my life so much easier that he has such certainty. In the Art of War by Sun Tzu, he says: “He will win who knows when to fight and when not to fight.” He feels that he accomplished so much more in his life than he ever thought he would. He has the satisfaction of knowing that he touched so many people in a meaningful way. Your emails, cards and Facebook posts have been exhilarating and reassuring to both of us that we have lived our life’s purpose. He has deep satisfaction regarding the life that he is continuing to live in these final days, and is living each day with gratitude.

Your friendship and prayers are a gift, generously given, happily accepted, and deeply appreciated.

Linda Bloom

Leave a comment

Linda

Leave a comment

Your friendship and prayers are a gift, generously given, happily accepted, and deeply appreciated.

Linda Bloom

Leave a comment

To (hopefully) be continued!

With love and gratitude,

Charlie and Linda

Leave a comment

Some of the questions we can ask ourselves are:

1. Have I lived a well-lived life?

2. Has my life made a difference in the lives of others?

3. Have I gotten complete, that is, have I expressed all I need to say to my loved ones to know how about I I feel towards them? Have I not only expressed the feelings of gratitude, but any previously unspoken words that I withheld?

4. Have I had a sense of purpose in my life?

5. Have I developed the necessary amount of courage required to take risks to meet my life’s challenges? And if not, how might I do that now?

6. Can I feel confident that my loved ones not only know how I feel but also experience through my actions and words the depth of my love?

7. If I died tonight, are there important things I have left undone?

In doing this self-reflection myself, I have uncovered some feelings that I have not adequately shared to avoid the accompanying anxiety that comes from deep vulnerability. In the process of overriding my discomfort with exposing my vulnerability, I began to see the degree to which I had limited my capacity for deeper intimacy. In becoming aware of the resistance I have had to expressing myself and limited my ability to connect deeply with others, I became aware of how I had unknowingly inhibited to connect in a more meaningful way.

For decades, I have committed myself to learning to connect more deeply and offered what I have experienced to others. I have been grateful for the growing ability to connect in a more meaningful way. I am seeing in this process, that the desire for more meaningful connection isn’t limited to myself, but is one that is shared throughout all of humanity.

My intention is sending this update to all of you, is to respond to some of the questions that have come to me and Linda. I am grateful for the incredible responses to our messages. I appreciate the inspiration I have received to keep you posted for as long as I am able. I look forward to our continued contact whether it is for another day or another year. We both welcome any responses or requests you might have.

Love, Charlie

Leave a comment

As I write these words, I am enjoying another beautiful day in Santa Cruz. Linda suggested that we send out another brief update on my condition. In a word, it is wonderful. It may seem strange to those of you who have familiarity with the diagnosis of sepsis that landed me in the hospital. I certainly never expected that I would send out another message from my bed. But what I have learned over these past few days is that miracles can and do happen. I have come to a point in my life in which I have been blessed with love, gratitude, and peace of mind. I feel appreciation for the love you have expressed and shared with me. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that had I not received your extraordinary love, that I would no longer be alive today. I cannot adequately express what I’m feeling. Words just don’t seem to say what is in my heart.

Many people have asked me to share with them what I am learning from this experience. My response to their request is just a few words: Let yourself feel the depth of your love. Try to find the courage to express it in any way your beloved can best receive it through actions, words of appreciation, gifts, and loving touch. It takes great courage to open unconditionally to sharing love in any way you can. There is truly no greater way to ensure that you will depart from this plane with joy.

Give yourself the gift of getting complete. Don’t allow yourself to be held back by any incompletion you may have with anyone. Let them hear and feel your deepest truth. It’s a gift to them, and to you, to do this. Thank you so much for giving to me all that you have given and for allowing me to give to you. It has truly been an honor to do so. Know that you and we are all blessed.

Love,

Charlie

Leave a comment

Leave a comment

Deepest gratitude for your prayers, well wishes and love. They have made a huge difference.

Blessings;

Linda

Chuck grew up in a violently abusive home. His mother was the primary abuser, and from an early age he endured vicious beatings that often came without warning. Never knowing when the next attack would come, he lived in a constant state of fear and anxiety.

“No one ever touched me with kindness,” he said. “Only in anger. I was starved for affection and loving attention. After she hit me, my mother would say, ‘I’m sorry you made me do this to you.’ That was her version of an apology. To me, it just felt like confirmation that her rage was my fault.

“But even as a little boy, there was a small voice inside me saying, ‘This is wrong. You’re not bad. You don’t deserve this.’ Somehow, I was able to hold on to that truth, even while everything around me told me otherwise.”

With years of support and hard work, Chuck eventually created the loving family life he longed for as a child. He and his wife built a stable home for their two children, though the pain of the past never disappeared completely.

“The demons don’t break down the door anymore,” he said. “Now they just knock. And I don’t have to answer.”

The journey from a wounded childhood to a healthy adulthood is rarely easy. It is filled with obstacles, setbacks, and moments that demand courage many people understandably struggle to summon. Avoiding pain can seem easier than facing it, but resistance to pain often becomes resistance to life itself.

When we deny our suffering, we may temporarily numb ourselves, but we also disconnect from our own vitality. The unresolved pain doesn’t disappear; it resurfaces in different forms—depression, anxiety, addiction, anger, or emotional isolation. The “work” of healing involves becoming willing to experience feelings that once overwhelmed us as children and learning to hold them with awareness and compassion.

To heal literally means “to make whole.” Unless we come to terms with our brokenness, we cannot fully experience ourselves as whole human beings. As children, our survival depends on maintaining connection with our caregivers. Because of this, we will often sacrifice our own truth in order to preserve attachment. We learn to doubt ourselves, dismiss our perceptions, and seek approval outside ourselves. Chuck’s resilience came from his ability to trust his inner experience, even when the adults around him denied it. He knew, at some level, that the abuse was wrong and that he was not to blame.

This ability is sometimes called self-referentiality, the capacity to trust our own direct experience rather than automatically deferring to the judgments of others. Self-trust does not mean rejecting outside opinions or refusing guidance. It means remaining connected to our inner knowing while staying open to learning.

Healthy self-trust includes confidence in our ability to care for ourselves physically, emotionally, and spiritually. It means believing we deserve kindness, respect, compassion, and care, not only from others, but from ourselves. It also means taking responsibility for meeting our essential needs instead of abandoning them or expecting others to fulfill them for us.

Self-trust grows through self-awareness, reflection, and the willingness to learn from our experiences. Over time, we begin to recognize the difference between choices that deepen our sense of aliveness and those that disconnect us from ourselves. A self-referential life is flexible, creative, and grounded. Our sense of security comes less from external approval and more from confidence in our own capacity for wisdom and growth. We become less dependent on rigid systems, traditions, or authorities to define our worth or direct our choices.

This doesn’t make us closed-minded. In fact, it often has the opposite effect. When we trust ourselves, we can listen openly to others without losing ourselves in the process. We become more adaptable, resourceful, and capable of responding authentically to life as it unfolds.

Chuck described it this way: “When I’m connected to my inner truth, I feel energized and replenished. I experience a connection to something deeper and wiser inside me. When I lose that connection, it’s like someone pulled the plug. I try to stay watchful for the moments when I start dishonoring my own experience. The signs are usually clear: boredom, lethargy, irritability, depression, or even physical distress. When I notice those feelings, I try to turn my attention inward again. Usually, that helps me reconnect and get back on track.”

“And when I can’t? I’ve learned to ride it out. Sometimes it feels like a temporary trance. But it always passes, just like everything always does.

Leave a comment

With affection,

Linda

a

Much love,

Linda

Leave a comment

It’s much easier to see and focus on what the other person is doing wrong than it is to recognize and address one’s own part in the scenario. It’s easier for the nagger to see why the other person needs to be reminded, or corrected, and for the naggee to feel justified in responding with anger. Such responses do little to address the underlying issues that need to be attended to.

There are needs that are not being fulfilled, leaving one person feeling unseen, unheard, unimportant, and neglected. The other person feels resentful, guilty, harassed, violated, and irritated. It can appear that the nagger is the perpetrator since her demands (it’s more often than not, the woman who brings up relationship problems) and repeated reminders are an obvious source of tension.

Upon closer examination, the breakdown is a function of an imbalance in the system itself. The unpleasant emotions that each partner is feeling are not being caused by either person, but rather by a failure of both partners to participate with respect, trustworthiness, and genuine concern for each other’s well-being.

Something is more important to each of them than deepening of trust. Examples of these “competing commitments” include the desire to prove that “no one can tell me what to do,” the fear that the other can’t be trusted to keep his or her word, the desire or control them into behaving differently, the desire to avoid feelings of guilt and shame by passively defying the other person’s requests, or a response to feelings of frustration from repeated disappointment.

John Gottman, a renowned researcher on successful couples, claims that women bring up relationship issues 85% of the time. Men seem to be able to more easily put these issues in a compartment to be less bothered by them. Simply bringing up an issue can be, for some men, considered nagging. Gottman suggests that the way the issue is presented, particularly whether there is blame, significantly impacts the response to the complainer’s concern. When the conversation is initiated with what Gottman refers to as a “softened start-up,” that is, without threat or accusation, there is a much greater likelihood that the cycle of nagging, defensiveness, and resentment can be avoided.

When this occurs, there is a much greater likelihood that the man will be much more inclined to accept influence from his female partner. A man’s willingness to accept influence from his partner is perhaps the most telling factor for a positive outcome of an unresolved issue. Accepting influence is not the same thing as agreeing with everything a partner wants. It involves listening respectfully to his partner’s concerns and with an intention to come up with a mutually satisfying resolution.

Since it is often the desire to fulfill an unmet need that motivates repeated attempts to address an issue, until that need is met, the cycle will continue to repeat itself. Attending to the unfulfilled need that lies beneath the presenting complaint, to be loved, valued, respected, reassured, or acknowledged, will address the real issue underlying the presenting complaint.

When we begin to get curious, rather than withdraw from the presenting situation, things can begin to change rapidly. Bringing genuine interest enables us to ask the kind of questions that can transform an impasse into a breakthrough. Questions like: “What is it that you need from me right now?” and really listening with full attention rather than planning your defensive response and trying to figure out ways to “win” the argument or get your partner off of your back.

Compassionate, committed listening is what breaks the dark spell. Out of the emotional connection, understanding, a newfound cooperation, more trust, peace of mind, and ease are present. Then, the kinds of action steps that will deepen understanding will become evident. And it is rarely the case that only one partner has responsibility for implementing those steps. Doing so is a labor of love, not one of obligation. Whether we view our circumstances as a curse of a blessing is entirely up to us. And as we see the extraordinary possibilities that arise out of a willingness to embrace our situation with love and gratitude rather than resentment, it becomes almost impossible to continue to keep our hearts closed with defensiveness. The nagging cycle is finally over. May it rest in peace.

Leave a comment

Much love and gratitude,

Linda Bloom

My husband Charlie has been seriously ill, and is currently being treated at Dominican Hospital in Santa Cruz. We are letting you know to ask for your positive prayers and well wishes. Please don’t call, but I will send a weekly update about his condition to you all. He needs all the positive healing energy he can get from our supportive network.

Our deepest gratitude for your love and care,

Linda Bloom

It is especially important to become more skillful in expressing the hot feelings of anger, resentment, and rage. If we become aware of the tendency to be avoidant and conflict phobic, to consciously choose to lean into the challenge of bringing up the tough subjects to grapple with them. If we have a tendency to blurt out volatile expressions of feelings, to practice self-discipline to put some thought between feelings and speaking, and to become more skillful in the way we express ourselves.

We develop our relationship as we consistently become more emotionally honest about all of our feelings. We speak fluidly about our fears, pain, sadness, and joy. We become adept at building the fondness and affection system (as John Gottman calls it) by freely expressing appreciation and gratitude to our partner with both words and actions.

And we need to know ourselves well enough to know what our needs are, and to learn to negotiate with our partner to get our needs met. It is quite a balancing act to make our needs as important as our partner’s, not more important, but not less important either. It is a process of constantly recalibrating and making adjustments, so that both partners’ needs are addressed and met.

Of course, good communication skills are an important part of strengthening a partnership, both speaking and listening. But one of the most important aspects of “working on the relationship” is taking the focus off the relationship itself and off of the other person, to focus squarely on oneself. The purpose of looking at ourselves is to discover where we need to grow, what qualities in ourselves we need to strengthen in order to be eligible for a great relationship. By examining which of the qualities, courage, commitment, responsibility, self-discipline, patience, humor, honesty, and others need strengthening, we discover our own growing edge. By keeping our focus on ourselves, our partner becomes a helpful teacher, pointing to the areas that need to evolve.

The practice is labor-intensive at first. Just as learning to play a musical instrument, building skill is initially demanding, but over time gives way to the supreme delight that comes from mastery. And like the arduous requirements of learning to speak a different language, with many hours of practice, we become fluid and accomplished, enjoying the delight of connection and understanding.

Relationships do require work. They are a labor of love. Most relationships require a great deal of “work” because most people have a learning deficit, not having learned the required skills in their families. But it’s never too late to acquire the required skills or to grow the required character strengths. It is the work of becoming a more loving human being. Is there anything more important that we could be doing with our time?

Suzanne, his wife, is a high school teacher and a firecracker. She is loud, energetic, opinionated, and deeply expressive. She loves people, conversation, and connection, and she has no trouble saying exactly what she thinks. Ted and Suzanne have been married for sixteen years.

At first glance, they look like a mismatch. In practice, their relationship has been intense. Ted is a classic introvert. When he is stressed, he seeks solitude. Time alone helps him regain clarity and emotional balance. He is not antisocial, but he needs space before he can reconnect. Suzanne, on the other hand, is recharged by people. When she is stressed, she wants to talk, preferably in person. Emails and texts do not do it. She wants a real connection.

Suzanne describes the beginning of their relationship with warmth. She fell in love with Ted’s depth, his listening, and the way they talked for hours about meaningful things. She assumed that level of connection would last. Over time, it did not. Ted became quieter and less emotionally available. Suzanne tried harder to engage him, which only seemed to make him withdraw more. His withdrawal felt passive aggressive to her, and she felt increasingly frustrated and lonely. She admits she has thought about divorce, but she still hopes Ted might return to the man she first fell in love with.

Ted tells a different story. Before Suzanne, he had ended a four-year relationship with a woman who had similar complaints. She felt he was distant and withheld. To Ted, what felt like a reasonable amount of connection to her felt overwhelming to him. When that relationship ended, Ted fell into a deep depression. He questioned himself and promised that if he ever loved someone again, he would not repeat the same mistake.

When Ted met Suzanne, they fell hard for each other. The first year felt effortless. He loved being in the relationship and welcomed the closeness. Over time, though, his old need for solitude returned. It happened gradually, but Suzanne noticed immediately. She responded by pushing for more connection. Ted felt pressured and panicked. The more she pushed, the more he pulled away. What Suzanne experienced as abandonment, Ted experienced as survival. Eventually, the cycle became so painful that they entered marriage counseling. That became a turning point. They are still learning, but they now understand their dynamic more clearly.

Introverts and extroverts have opposite but complementary ways of dealing with stress and meeting emotional needs. Introverts turn inward to reflect and recharge. Extroverts turn outward to engage and process through interaction. From the outside, pairing these two types can seem counterintuitive, but relationally, it makes sense.

Left on their own or paired with someone just like them, each type risks imbalance. Two extroverts may overstimulate each other, creating burnout or escalating stress rather than soothing it. Two introverts may struggle with insufficient stimulation, leading to emotional distance or neglect. Many relationships end not because of conflict, but because of disengagement.

This does not mean same type couples are doomed. Many introvert-introvert and extrovert- extrovert relationships are deeply satisfying. Personality type alone does not determine success. The real challenge in any committed relationship is learning how to meet your partner’s needs without abandoning your own.

That challenge requires effort, awareness, and willingness. Both introverts and extroverts must learn to reframe how they see their partner. Instead of resentment for what the other is not, they are asked to cultivate appreciation for what the other brings. When judgment gives way to gratitude, criticism softens into acceptance.

This process is not quick or easy, but it is possible. When couples commit to understanding rather than changing each other, they often discover that the very differences that once caused pain can become sources of balance, growth, and connection.

Leave a comment

Lucia’s first letter:

“As I sit here with tears pouring down from my puffy eyes, snot is running from my nose. As much as I hate to admit it, but after reading your article, “I know what I should do, so why don’t I do it? I do know what I need to do, yet there is a part of me that is questioning if I have the strength to leave. My story is very similar to the story of Maya in your blog. The truth of my husband Stan’s affair was revealed ten months ago, and he still will not even admit that it was an affair.

I discovered the long-term affair and have been an emotional basket case ever since. He says he will end the affair because wants to stay married. But since he shows no remorse for the hurt he’s caused me my trust is so low that I doubt that he’s stopped seeing the other woman.

Stan and I do have fun sometimes, but I can see that we are more and more becoming like the couple in your story. We too are like rats in a maze. Truthfully, I think he emotionally left me some time ago. Then on top of all his selfish ways, to have an affair is such a blow. He’s unhappy too, and afraid to admit defeat. If we separate, we would have to share all the money and possessions we’ve acquired in our years together. Life can really suck sometimes.

Years ago, I tried to leave, but I got sucked back in. I have had to clamp down my emotions for years to be able to stay in this marriage. I know I have fallen out of love with him yet haven’t left. The only choice I see given that I’m not leaving, is to improve my situation by being kinder, loving and more generous to myself.”

In a follow up letter from Lucia a few months later

“I have been doing my work as you call it, and I now know that I that I can walk away from the life my husband and I have built. I have come to the point where I can no longer take the emotional rollercoaster that my life has been.

There was an incident recently that pushed me to the point where I could let go of the marriage. The last straw was that my husband slept through my fortieth birthday. I went to my friend’s house as she was having a birthday party for her dog. I spent my fortieth feeling less important than my friend’s dog. When I came home, and I expressed my sadness about Stan not honoring my birthday, but he did nothing to make this up to me.

I said, ‘I’m tired of waiting around for something to happen in this relationship.’ Stan just sat there with his phone reading his Facebook newsfeed. When I told him that I was in a lot of pain, he once again said, ‘Let’s just break up.’ I said, ‘Thank you! thank you so much for finally making a decision.’ In the past, when he would say let’s break up, that was the way he used to shut me up, but this time it was different. I said ‘Yes, let’s do that’ and I have moved out. Of course, I am scared of stepping into the unknown, but I’m proud of myself. I have friends who will give me emotional support. And I am crystal clear that I am not going back.”

Lucia took years to get to the point where she could find the strength to do what she knew she needed to do. She paid close attention to the prices she was paying for being in a relationship with a partner who had no intention of changing so that she could thrive in their partnership.

She used the inspiration that she found in reading self-help literature, the support of her friends, and a fierce commitment to grow stronger and more courageous to make a huge change in her life. I am touched that she wrote to me with the intention of saving some others who are in soul-deadening partnerships some heartache. It is her wish that her story can inspire others not to wait too long.

Leave a comment

Mira: I know that Ari loves me, and even when he is away from home traveling for business a lot, I know he loves me. But knowing that he loves me and experiencing his love are very different. We have worked out a method that has really been good for us over the busy years of raising kids and our careers. We choose a block of time, a few hours during the day on a weekend, or an entire evening, where we will not be disturbed by children or the telephone, and we make an agreement to be in service to each other the entire time.”

Ari: “Over the years, we have become quite creative in the variety of ways we have devised to be in service to each other. Mira likes me to feed her dinner. So every once in a while, I play this game with her, and she gets a big kick out of feeding me, not just a few mouthfuls, but the whole meal! It definitely does jog us off of automatic pilot. Slowing down the pace of the meal forces us to pay attention to what is happening moment-to-moment. When I stay in eye contact with Mira while she feeds me or I feed her, we tune into each other and learn a lot. She takes smaller bites than I do. But I pause more in between bites so my pace of eating is slower. I had some resistance to it in the beginning. It brought up issues of feeling vulnerable and dependent. It’s been good for me to practice generosity and patience, gently pressing the edge of my comfort zone by surrendering and allowing myself to be given to, I have become a good receiver.”

Mira: “Ari is a great receiver now, but years ago when I would offer to give him a massage, he would refuse. It would blow my mind. I love massage so much that I couldn’t fathom why he would say no. Now that he has become a gracious receiver, he lets me give him a full-body massage, and he actually enjoys it. He gives a wonderful massage too. We took a couple’s massage class, which was a great confidence booster to find that you don’t have to be professionally trained to do a satisfying massage. Sometimes we just massage each other’s feet or give head rubs or back rubs.”

Ari: “Mira really likes it when I brush her hair. We have also played with brushing each other’s teeth. I’ve shaved her legs and armpits. She’s shaved my face, trimmed my eyebrows, nose, and ear hairs. She even put my contact lenses in for me one time. It’s an adventure that breaks up our automatic patterning and keeps us more alert.”

Mira: “Ari has a melodic singing voice. Sometimes he’ll haul out his guitar and sing a song to me, and I just melt. We don’t ever rely on the message in a card for birthdays, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, or anniversaries. We always write a personal message. We are constantly scanning for possible ways that we can show our love and devotion. By practicing so regularly, we have both opened to deeper levels of giving and receiving love.”

Even during the times when this couple is busy (which is the vast majority of the time), they find that they can at least take a short amount of time to drench themselves in the luxury of being in service to each other, a little bit of time that goes a long way. There are long hugs, deep passionate kisses, and sweet eye contact. These gestures don’t take very long, but satisfy on the deepest level.

This couple makes do with the short but frequent quality times to connect, and then plan a longer period of rejuvenation for the next episode of service to each other. These two have learned that it is these small tokens of affection that have the greatest meaning. It doesn’t have to take too long; it just has to spring forth genuinely from the heart.

Leave a comment

--William James

Linda: I am a recovering pessimist. I grew up in a family that had a basement freezer crammed with food, and cases of canned goods stacked against the walls. All this hoarding of food was preparation for the inevitable economic or political disaster that my parents were certain would occur. I grew up hearing stories about my grandfather’s assault on an army officer who had taunted him with anti-Semitic remarks. As the story goes, he fled and deserted the military, leaving Russia to emigrate to the United States. There were stories about the pogroms and violence that occurred in the old country, particularly on Easter Sunday, when angry Christians took it upon themselves to punish the “Christ killers.” There was also a steady stream of stories about all of the relatives who perished in the holocaust because they didn’t leave Europe in time. My parents’ caution was well-meaning, but it left me with a sense of anxiety and a pervasive belief that doom and catastrophe are always right around the corner.

When I left home for college, I thought that I had been admitted by mistake, and didn’t think I would graduate. I expected failure. I expected to fall in love, but would probably be left by my beloved. I had no idea that my general attitude was deeply pessimistic; I just thought my ideas were realistic. By studying psychology and human development, I came to understand that we all form protective beliefs, and that these beliefs can be modified. What a concept! I put the theory to the test and was delighted to discover that it was actually possible for me to change my thinking! With a concerted effort, my rich imagination that had been catastrophizing started to envision successful outcomes for the scenarios I had been anticipating.

So much of my happiness now is a result of my efforts to put my inner pessimist in his place. When he sneaks onto the scene and starts spinning his fearful scenarios, I know that he is just doing his job to protect me by preparing me for trouble. But these days I talk back. I say things like: “That may or may not happen. Thank you for sharing, but I choose to believe that things will turn out well.” I’ve had losses and tragedy in my life. Every life has to contain its share of joys and sorrows. I have come to trust that it is possible to make a full recovery from some ordeals that we may experience, or at least a partial recovery from even the most devastating blows. To waste precious life energy worrying about what might happen is unproductive and can even be self-fulfilling. I now know that I have choices. I still have to exert effort when pessimistic thoughts arise. But with experience and practice, it has become easier over time, to trust that things generally do work out, but not necessarily in the way in which I expect.

Some people see optimists as “Pollyannas,” believing that they are in denial about reality. Of course, optimism can be taken too far. But those who criticize optimists are often pessimistic themselves and believe that they are stuck with their attitudes for life. Optimism as a life view is a much more harmonious way of living in the world. Despite some negative experiences, I see people as being basically good, the universe as a friendly place, and nature as trustworthy. So much of my energy that used to be used defensively with worry has been freed up for more creative pursuits.

So if you think that your beliefs and attitudes are fixed, I challenge you to reassess and to dare to believe in the possibility of transforming the darkness of pessimism into a more hopeful outlook. Working with our attitudes and beliefs is an essential part of cultivating the art of joyful living. But don’t take my word for it; give it a try, and see for yourself. Who knows? You may be in for a surprise, a good one!

Leave a comment

Altruism (in Dictionary.com) is defined as the principle or practice of concern for, or devotion to, the welfare of others. The impulse of altruism and the behavior of reciprocity is a set of cooperative, life-enhancing activities that move a relationship into the zone of well-being. If we are not already strong in the area of feelings of altruism or the behaviors of reciprocity, these are attitudes and actions that can be cultivated with commitment and intention.

It is reassuring to know that we are the state-of-the-art edition of the human species, which has evolved to the place where we are wired emotionally to care for others and to want to return favor for favor. It’s a very simple rule. The impulse for reciprocity expands when we feel given to, and it diminishes if we feel the other person is stealing by taking more than their fair share. When the system goes out of balance, then the gains of well-being that come with reciprocity plummet.

There is a social “accounts receivable,” and for the huge benefit available from the rule of reciprocity, a general fairness must prevail. When we cooperate and become generous, we are wise to also watch for where we are over-giving. For if the relationship becomes unbalanced, we can end up feeling exploited and resentful, which is not conducive to a strong bond.

When a couple is not thriving, they may not have identified that their reciprocity dynamic is the cause of their discontent. In any given couple, there will be one partner who may lean more towards generosity and altruism, and the other more toward self-centeredness and greed. The challenge for both partners is to move towards fairness. It may be more obvious that the partner on the taker end of the spectrum needs to become more generous, and that is true. But the couple is a system, and both partners contribute to the well-being or the lack thereof. What may not be so obvious, much more subtle and harder to detect, is that there is a partner who keeps the lower-level system in place with their indulgence of the other partners self-centeredness.

People can fall anywhere on the continuum, with desperation at the far end of the spectrum, characterized by “I will do anything to keep this relationship,” to the other far end, complete with a cold, rejecting exploitation characterized by “I’ll take everything you’re willing to give, but don’t expect much from me in return.” It’s obvious how dysfunctional such an extreme relationship clearly is and how they are on the track to failure.

Most of us are not out at the extreme poles, but those who enjoy the best partnerships hit the sweet spot in the center where they both freely give and receive a great deal. To reach an optimum level of abundance and well-being, both partners are required to play their parts, with the more withdrawn, passive partner speaking up for what they want. Instead of being a pushover, the reticent partner can become more assertive and become a good player. Instead of being a selfish taker, the other partner can intentionally cultivate altruism and generosity to become a good player.

Confucius calls reciprocity “the magic wand” which can clear your way through the complexity that relationships can often be. Reciprocity strengthens the bond. It rejuvenates a bond that may have been stretched, stressed, or that has gone flat. Reciprocity allows us to feel united in a pleasurable way, safe, connected, secure, and at ease. It may be a piece of work to attain the balance point of extreme abundance and the feeling of fullness that comes with it. But once we attain it, we know we have the magic wand working its wonders for us.

Leave a comment