CONTROL ————————————————- CONTRIBUTION

Here is the pattern I notice. The more we reach for control, the more power we think we are gaining. More followers. More certainty. More protection. More proof. And yet the feeling that arrives is not power. It is depletion, dressed up as ambition. Control, the kind that tries to force, grip, predict, is false power, wearing a very good disguise. In fact, the disguise is so good it can be addictive.

Move the other direction on the line, toward contribution, toward creation, and something else shows up. Not less ambition. Empowerment. Flow. The question stops being “How many people can I reach?” and becomes “How can I contribute to the one person in front of me. Now?”

That shift, while it seems simple, is the hinge that opens the door to a peaceful experience of contribution. You experience the give, not the get.

Self-leadership is not a productivity practice. It has no arrival point. It is the ongoing work of knowing what you actually have to offer, your skills, your strengths, your point of view, and choosing to lead from that instead of from the ache to get, have, protect, own, claim.

To strive for empowerment is to leave the shores of certainty and set sail into the unknown. Certainty is not where your power lives; it lives in your ability to create. The challenge is, our brain loves predictability, which is why we seek control, even the false version.

Here is where it gets interesting. I do not think we arrive at control or contribution by accident. We arrive there through the questions we ask ourselves, usually without noticing.

When you ask yourself “Why am I not successful?”, you will get an answer. It will not be a good one. Your answer will hand you a story about lack.

Ask instead “How can I contribute to someone else’s success?”, and the whole trajectory changes. Not because the second question is more positive, but because it is a better question. It was created on a different end of the line.

This is the bridge that connects The Power Line and the quality of our questions. Every question we ask ourselves is already existing somewhere on that spectrum. A control question is asking how do I protect, prove or acquire something. A contribution question is asking how do I offer or create something. One is closed, fixed and often binary. The other is open, expansive and inherently creative.

The upgrade is not about thinking more positively. It is about noticing which end of the line your question came from, and choosing again.

The long way is the true way. There is no hack for this. You cannot shortcut your way to better questions any more than you can shortcut your way into self-trust. You notice, choose again. That repetition is the practice.

A few questions I have been sitting with, and offering to those I work with, the ones building, leading, navigating, tired in the particular way that ambitious people get tired:

What do I have to give that no one asked me to prove first?
Where am I trying to control an outcome instead of trusting my contribution?
What is the smallest act of value I can offer the one person in front of me right now?
Whose life is already better because of what I know how to do?
What am I chasing that I do not need, and what am I avoiding that I do?
What would I create today if I already believed I was enough?

Notice what you can create with a question that shifts from control to contribution.

I am in your corner and ready to take the upgrade with you.

The ones you hear again and again tend to show up on a fridge magnet or a bumper sticker.

Do what you’ve always done, get what you’ve always gotten.

If nothing changes, nothing changes.

The wisdom is real. The lifeline is missing.

Because when you are stuck – truly stuck, going around and around – the last thing you need is another pithy reminder. What you need is a way out. And the way out is rarely the direction you have been looking.

Here is what a cul-de-sac feels like in leadership: it is the same conversation with your team, your boss, your spouse. The same complaint. The same issue. The same result you keep wishing were different.

The exhausted leader responds with a more direct, command-and-control style. The intention is to push through by sheer force of will. Enough talking. Just get it done.

I hear many executives say “I just want to get back to work.” This is a sure sign that leadership is missing.

We likely now know that force does not help us exit a cul-de-sac. It just wears grooves deeper into the same circle.

The grounded leader understands something different: to get out, you have to repattern. You have to test something new. Something out of the ordinary. And when you do, expect resistance. An eye roll. Someone asking why you are acting strange.

Weird is better than stuck.

One leader I work with tried something simple. After giving a directive, instead of moving on, ignoring the blank stares, she asked her team: “How are you hearing this?” Her colleague looked at her and said: “Why are you being weird?”

Instead of trying to find normal again, we celebrated. Because weird means something is shifting. Weird means the pattern is breaking. Normal is status quo.

Don’t trust that you will find your way out of the cul-de-sac. Test your way out. Slow down. Check your assumptions. Develop patience in your communication. Open yourself up to what people around you actually know, because there is a whole world of insight and wisdom in the hearts and minds of your team, your community, your family. Tap into it.

One of the fastest ways a leader ends up going in circles is the belief that they have to have all the answers. They don’t. You don’t.

If you’re willing to get even slightly weird by stepping out of the status quo, you’ll go from round and round to up and up.

Five key ways to exit the cul-de-sac:

1. Slow down, inside and out. Turn on your senses, your gut, your instincts from a place of stillness, not reactivity.

2. Test something new. New strategies, new approaches, new ways of engaging. Don’t look for the reasons you are stuck; look for opportunities to re-pattern.

3. Find the education gap. Look for gaps in training and education. If people are stuck, they likely have lower confidence in their abilities. Elevate through education and empowerment - more than you thought you needed.

4. Enrol your team, partner, neighbour in the solution. Ask open-ended questions, linger, listen - only listen. Give people permission to innovate rather than complain. Invite people from different departments for new perspectives - especially from those not directly involved or attached. The key is to enrol them in the solution, not ask them to solve it, nor ask them to wait for you to solve it.

5. Repeat. Practice number one again. And again.

And as a parting thought: weird is what every innovator was called right before they were discovered. Don’t get stuck in the cul-de-sac; be an explorer.

Photo by Stephen Andrews on Unsplash

I see the pendulum swing hard in the realm of content creation.

The swing is steep from stream-of-consciousness “yapping” to AI-polished, over-punctuated content wafting with inauthenticity.

To the sensitive or empathic audience, both forms of content creation are exhausting. I grew weary of the noise, the lack of attention and intention, and I lost my footing. I stopped creating. The middle became inertia.

Creation comes from a point of view, a thought, an idea, a way of seeing the world. When I got still, I realized I have something to say about creating.

I believe that somewhere in the middle of this wild swing from the unfiltered, unconscious noise and the unoriginal regurgitation of AI is intentionality, purposefulness, and service.

It’s not to say that either end of the pendulum isn’t serving an audience, but my sense is the yapping will exhaust people, and the AI regurgitation will distance people.

Creating with intention takes both work and stillness.

When it’s not working, it can feel like searching for a needle in a haystack. Believing that there is a needle at all doesn’t serve our ability to create.

The notion of service, love, and authentic contribution gets snuffed out by the need to control outcomes, to “nail it,” to find that proverbial needle in a haystack. So we grind, overwork, over-share, and over-analyze metrics.

On the other end of the pendulum swing is our deep fear of complacency. This is another misconception. We confuse stillness with complacency. Stillness is where wisdom speaks. Getting to stillness is a paradox; we must trust in our ability to surrender control (the illusion of it) and allow life to unfold. I believe we are most fearful of what emerges then, the emotions. We will seek any measure of control to avoid feeling negative emotions. Those very emotions that we hack our way around provide profound insights, the deepest sense of awareness and the greatest opportunity for growth.

As you sense the pendulum swing in your own area of creation, whatever form that may take, here are the pillars I aim to build upon:

Presence over Performance
Presence is a practice. Grounded presence will always feel real. Presence over performance. Performance aims to please, presence is loving, calm, and of service. Creating through presence feels both peaceful and enlivening.

Identity over Fear
If fear shows up, it disconnects you from your true identity. Fear wants us to hide, protect ourselves with armour. Continue to create a connection to your true self rather than needing to sound a certain way or trying to impress. Dysregulation leads to inauthenticity.

Joy over Metrics
That which is important to you, truly important to you, brings you joy. When you consider what matters to you most, what you cherish, love, work at, are considerate of, learn about… you likely don’t think about metrics or arrival points. You love the journey. Joy is an energy, not a destination. Creating from joy is magnetic, attracting, playful and builds connection.

None of these pillars promises the avoidance of doubt, fear, impatience, frustration… These emotions are part of the journey, part of the texture of our lives.

You deserve to enJOY creating and to create from a place that is grounded and authentic. This is the middle ground. When you get still, you’ll feel the aliveness in the moment and then … then you’ll know what to create.

This posture reveals something important. Can we hold both strength and openness? Do we truly know what it is to be balanced?

The balance of both/and expands our capacity, our access to insight and truth.

The one or only-way days are over. As the world offers greater levels of complexity, the desire to run to one side or another, to find some sense, to determine what is good/bad/right/wrong/should/shouldn’t reveals a deep imbalance. Equally ineffective is turning away, being swept up in the quick fix, the dopamine addiction, the click bait.

This being human has always been complex. There has never been a dull moment in time or history for us. Yet as we evolve our consciousness and expand our inner awareness we can deepen our well of choice.

Choice empowers us to navigate choppy waters, beautiful open meadows, dark forests and even never ending sand dunes. It’s worth remembering that we will never control our outer environment nor the people around us. It’s worth remembering that we always have choice.

Choosing to feel the ground and think the thoughts. Choosing to harness the power of a strong back and reveal a soft heart. Choosing to be here now and envision a new future. This is empowered balance.

Where might you want to bring more balance into your life?

From what I’ve learned recently, here are some thoughts that help restore choice:

• Honour practices and rituals that expand your choice rather than limit it.

• True rest over hijacked attention.

• Rumination is a carnival, get off the ride. Choose gratitude instead.

• Choose values that guide behaviour in any situation rather than block people or experiences.

• Breathing into and feeling fully the emotion that is real and now.

• Every emotion has a gift, there are no bad emotions.

• Our need to suppress or hide emotions creates reactivity and derails desired outcomes.

• Live in your body as much as in your head.

Strong back, open heart. This beautiful Zen Buddhist concept taught by Roshi Joan Halifx and popularized by Brené Brown is more than a tagline, it’s a way of being, a way of living, a way of choosing.

Strong back, open heart. This is my wish for you, for us.

PHOTO: Jessie McNaught

Here are a few questions to prompt some insights:

Do you want to travel light so you can move about with agility and freedom? Or do you want to pack some gear, assemble a team and conquer a mountain?

What are you leaving behind from 2025?

What is essential that you bring with you? This could be a mindset, habit, or way of being in the world.

If your energy is like the weather, what kind of weather do you want to be this year? Stormy change or still waters?

Are you clear on where you want to go?

How do you prepare for your journey? Are you reading up, learning and educating yourself on where you want to go? Are you getting healthy and fit so you can go further?

Who do you want with you on your journey? Are there travellers who slow you down or divert your path in negative ways? Is it time to part ways? Are there travellers who share your values, your pace, your way of engaging with others?

What do you want to taste? What do you want to see? What do you want to experience? What impact do you want to have on those whose path you cross?

If there were a theme song or genre to your year, what would it be?

If there was a spirit animal to guide you, what’s your choice?

What is one word that would set the tone?

Of all the questions you can ask to set your direction, there are three that are simply the best;

• What is it time to start doing?

• What is it time to continue doing?

• What is it time to stop doing?

These three questions are the perfect formula for feedback and self-reflection. The simplicity gets right to the point.

Of course, the next level to insight is accountability. It’s easy enough to wax poetic, but it’s another thing to lace up your shoes and do the hard thing.

Here are my best tips for turning your intentions into action:

Infuse some fun into it.

Find a buddy.

Join a community.

Make it a ritual.

Establish one aspect of your goal as non-negotiable.

Make it beautiful.

Share only with others who are in it with you.

Reward yourself.

Love yourself.

Forgive yourself.

Keep going.

So fellow travellers, set your sights on the adventure you want to take, step off the platform and enjoy the ride.

Interestingly, both public speaking and networking have something in common. Fundamentally, we are afraid of being humiliated. The idea of “putting yourself out there” feels like a skinny-branch version of sketchy.

Our brain is wired to keep us safe and out of harm’s way and does so by tossing up all kinds of horrific scenes played out in technicolour on our mind-screen. Our nervous system lights up and begs us to run.

Part of our brain’s job is to be a predictor and pattern recognizer. It believes it’s being helpful by running possible scenarios or replaying past experiences.

We imagine bravely walking up to a stranger, holding out our hands for our best professional shake, ready to lock eyes and be asked the perfect question that we can knock out of the park, only to be met with blank stares and a turned shoulder.

We imagine telling someone what we do only to be met with a confused glare, so we downgrade what we really do to achieve a basic understanding. And then, the conversation goes nowhere. Womph.

We imagine being on the other side, getting cornered by someone pedalling their latest product/plan/program and not knowing how to get out of it.

We imagine getting stuck in a small talk loop, praying someone will save us.

Have I stressed you out yet?

What our brain needs is a plan, a route to follow. Rather than risk it or wing it, have a map. Because in the space of the unknown, our default is always to retreat to what’s familiar. And that would defeat the purpose of an event or opportunity to meet new people, hear new ideas and open new doors.

One of the best ways to calm the fear centers of your brain is to remind yourself, “I have a plan, and I’m prepared to be surprised and delighted.”

EVERY ADVENTURE NEEDS A MAP

Relating to networking as an adventurous journey rather than a destination is the first step to setting yourself up for success.

Can you feel your energy shift? Your nervous system moves from the contraction of self-protection into flow energy.

Ready to Like: Walk into a room prepared to like most people. Vanessa Van Edwards, a speaker and author on the Science of People, notes that the most likeable people like people. Seems obvious, but there is power behind this intention. When you walk into any room, look through the lens of admiration and warmth, and you will feel an instant inner glow which is magnetic.

Be You: Nervous energy gets in the way of authenticity, but if you can admit you’re nervous, you’ve already claimed your true self. Proving or performing energy is detracting; be a magnet of authenticity.

Have a Purpose: Walk into any room with a connection to your why.

Be Bold and Clear: Prepare and practice saying what you do. Use an analogy if the standard job title doesn’t mean much to someone. Don’t rely on the title alone. An excellent formula for this is to fill in these blanks:

What I do is _______________________

How I do it is ______________________

Why I do it is ______________________

At a networking event, you will be asked many times, “What do you do?” Be prepared.

Be Up To Something: Being a creator is future-focused, meaning you haven’t done it yet. You drop the verbal resume and instead, speak to what you’re up to, wanting, looking forward to. This opens the door to correct connections. You may find people saying, “Oh! I know someone who can help you with that.”

Listen and Follow Up: Networking is not a one-person show. It’s dynamic engagement. Listen deeply, ask questions, and follow up after the session if there was a connection made.

Prepare Open-Ended Questions: to avoid small talk, have at least three great open-ended questions ready to go. Here are some to get started:

• What was the best thing you did this year?

• What is the biggest thing you learned this year?

• What’s something you’re looking forward to this year?

Any interaction with people is an opportunity to learn and grow. Networking is as much about receiving as it is about giving. You get to set the intention, tone and experience. Walk into any room with warmth, compassion and creativity and watch for doors opening.

We know by now that stress is bad for our health and wellbeing. We’ve been introduced to numerous beautiful practices that help reduce stress, including breathwork, mindfulness, yoga, and meditation. However, not all slowing-down practices are effective in dealing with stress.

If you’re a high performer navigating significant challenges every day, you’d likely say, “I don’t want to lose my edge.” This raises a deeper question about what stress is and how to distinguish between good and bad stress.

Good stress is the type of pressure that stokes our fire, has us reach, stretch, and test the limits. It is the butterflies in our stomach, the tingling in our legs and the fire in our eyes that often produce better than expected results.

There is the more widely known form of stress, the kind that brings us to our knees, drains our resources and twists our minds. It’s commonly known that stress is a leading cause of disease; however, not all stress can be categorized under a broad umbrella.

The positive form of stress is known as Eustress (the Greek prefix “eu” is translated as “good”.) Eustress, a form of tension created by facing something difficult, is known to promote motivation, self-awareness, and growth. This is the edge we don’t want to lose connection with.

When I did a deep dive into these concepts, I came across many lists of life events that distinguish between Eustress and Distress, but I’m not sure these assumptions can be helpful. One person’s growing edge is another person’s jump-under-the-covers moment.

This is an important distinction to make because stress left unattended to can lead to difficult outcomes. Low-grade pervasive stress can create loneliness based on feeling misunderstood. Pushing through, telling everyone you are F.I.N.E. will, over time, disconnect you from your true self. Dealing with Big Stress for long periods can deplete your adrenals, spike your cortisol, and compromise your digestion. Not fun.

So, how do we tell if we are in the life-draining form of stress or the energizing form of Eustress?

It comes down to refined key indicators rather than simply chucking it all in the stress bucket. This discernment is a consciousness practice that leads to greater levels of self-understanding and agency. This discernment practice is yours; no one can make the list for you.

Four key indicators that you are under stress and what to do to reduce the negative effects:

Disconnection

HOW IT FEELS: You feel “alone in it”. No one will understand. You may feel a combination of guilt and shame. You want to hide, retreat, run. This is the Amygdala’s “flight” response to stress to keep you safe and protected. Our instinct to “keep the secret” is both a form of self-preservation and disconnection; ultimately, it is toxic.

SHIFT MOVE: It may feel counterintuitive in the moment to reach out to someone, but the shift move is to connect with someone you know you can count on to remain neutral and supportive. Often it’s the initial share that can be scary, but time and time again, it’s been proven to be beautifully healing.

Inauthenticity

HOW IT FEELS: Stress wakes up our defence system. We put up walls, brace ourselves, grit our teeth to get through it and in the process we lose touch with our essence. Our easeful, natural selves are hidden behind the mask we wear that says “I’m good” when you may not be. Your brain is working overtime to keep you from feeling vulnerable. The self-protection mechanisms are not conscious, it’s survival mode.

SHIFT MOVE: What makes you feel like you? Find a clearing practice that restores you to your authentic self. Dance, move, sing, and play with your dog. Have you noticed how dogs are the best at reminding us who we truly are? They don’t need us to thug it out. In fact, no one does. If you feel misunderstood, it’s possible you have been wearing a mask to get through something. Instead, open up, share, show the cracks.

“Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack, a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in”

– Leonard Cohen

Emotional Suppression

HOW IT FEELS: If you try to stop a feeling from being expressed, that’s suppression. Judging yourself for having emotional reactions will cause you to push them down. You find yourself binge-watching shows, standing in front of the fridge, or mindlessly scrolling. Suppression can be subtle, and while I’ve given examples, only you know your unique way that you judge, avoid or suppress your feelings.

SHIFT MOVE: Welcome your emotions as friends offering you information. The uncomfortable yet effective practice is to not only be with your emotions, but to lean into them. Shallow, quick fix advice might sound like “It’ll be ok, don’t worry about it“, “chin up” or “you don’t need to be upset”. These platitudes are at best dismissive, and at worst, they lead to deeper levels of disconnection. Many people were taught to be disconnected from their feelings. Sent to their room for being angry and told to stop crying. Pushing emotions down is a key indication of stress, so to shift, feel your body, notice the tightening in your muscles, pay attention to the vice grip on your heart. Lean in, feel fully. It’s only until we can give ourselves the space to feel that we can heal.

Negative self-talk

HOW IT FEELS: The trash talk is a key indication of stress. You are met with a challenge, and your mind begins to play a horror movie. Negative self-talk prevents us from being present, blocks our creativity and locks us in a dungeon of doom. Negative self-talk is a form of distraction from the actual stress you are trying to avoid.

SHIFT MOVE: As soon as you hear the negative self-talk, say the word “CHANGE” out loud or quietly to yourself. This quick pattern interrupt may give you just enough time to reframe and make a new choice.

As you consider Eustress, the kind of pressure that has you rise to the occasion, notice how none of these four key indicators are present. That’s how you know, not some random list found on Google.

Our bodies contain brilliant navigation systems. We have a vast amount of feedback, knowledge, and wisdom available, but only if we are willing to feel the full range of emotions. Stress and struggle aren’t the enemy. We have created incredible successes in our lives by facing and navigating stress and struggle. It’s the avoidance, self-blame, judgment, disconnection, inauthenticity, and suppression that are taking us out.

Open your arms wide and welcome the range of experiences, knowing you have the wisdom and support to not only move through it, but to grow from it. And just like that, we’ve transformed stress into Eustress. Go, be alchemists.

Best stress shifter ever, my dog Luna.

Photo:

It may also be true that we don’t know how to receive a genuine apology, which can perpetuate issues.

There is truth to the idiom “to err is human”; no one escapes imperfection nor is absolved of responsibility for their actions. Each of us has made mistakes, hurt people’s feelings, said the wrong thing, missed deadlines, criticized, forgotten birthdays, and the list of humanness goes on.

We know that we aren't perfect, at least I hope so, but are we able to truly recognize the impact we may have on others?

The bravado attitude of “never apologize” just doesn't seem realistic to me in a world fuelled by human connection. We hurt each other in relationships, and we heal in relationships. Building rapport with each other Requires us to be able to acknowledge when we mess up. It requires a level of humility, grace and courage coupled with a willingness to look in the mirror. Apologizing isn’t giving in; it’s ownership.

Delivering a genuine apology is a conscious process.

For those who have appreciated self-development, saying “please forgive me” not only effortlessly but comes from the heart.

There is another side to the apology that is sneaky and just as ineffective as never apologizing.

As a recovering people pleaser, I know what it feels like to take more than 100% responsibility. I have been an over-apologizer. This is the shadow side of a good apology; in fact, it dilutes the true nature of a genuine apology and often leads to resentment and loneliness.

The over-apology is sneaky as it comes from a different source: an unmet need. Saying sorry may be a hidden call for validation, love and acceptance. I've learned to slow myself down, love myself through any sense of emotional discomfort, own my path and allow the other person to own theirs.

The underuse of an apology is as ineffective as the overuse of an apology in creating meaningful connections with people.

I've been thinking about the anatomy of an apology and what creates repair versus the apology that misses the mark—three simple elements: curiosity, accountability, and understanding.

An apology cannot be heard through the barriers of defensiveness, projection, or the need to be right.

Essentially, an ineffective apology often stems from a reactive and self-protective response, leaving little room for repair. Ultimately, repair is about unity and the desire to make something not just better but stronger.

The apology that creates repair and what destroys it:

• A warm and genuine tone | A condescending tone

• Taking full responsibility by only speaking from “I” | Deflection of ownership and speaking from “you.”

• Apologizing for your actions, not their feelings | Apologizing for their feelings: “I’m sorry you feel hurt”

• Apologizing fully with no excuses | The half-apology: “I’m sorry but…” The word “but” negates everything said before it

• Being open to seeing things another way, open to a dialogue | Defensiveness and arguing for a position or saying sorry and walking away

• A clear intention for repair | No clear intention leaving the person confused

• Generous and other person first | Manipulative, wanting a result that is self-serving

• Making a plan to move forward | Not knowing what actions will be different, if any

• I deserve to be free | They don’t deserve my apology

• Apologizing with courageous sincerity | Embarrassed, avoiding the hard conversation

• Leadership | “Why should I apologize first?”

• Willing to mess up and grow | “I’m just bad at apologizing.”

• The apology is specific and intentional | “I give them an inch, they’ll take a mile”

Apologies require courageous sincerity, a willingness to be uncomfortable, and the patience to allow the other person to share their experience. Any relationship will experience many small tears, but each repair will strengthen it.

Thoughts on apologies…

It’s never too late.

A few years ago, I received the most lovely, tender and genuine apology from a dear high school friend. We had a rift over a boy that tore our friendship apart. I was wrongfully accused, and she never forgave me. Many decades later, new information came to light, and she realized she had been in the wrong. How courageous, humble and generous of her to reach out and apologize. It was not too late.

An open heart is the best start.

Apologies can dredge up shame and guilt, shadow emotions that block the light of the apology's good intention. Doing your own personal clarity work is important to shed the suffering and open your heart to the willingness to repair.

The setting and timing matters

Giving an apology requires an opportunity to receive it. Is the other person ready and able to receive it? Balance taking the time to ensure the setting and timing are conducive while not waiting for the conditions to be perfect.

Our world is relational. Tend to your world through gentle self-reflection, thoughtful evaluation and loving repair of your relationships.

PHOTO: Jessie McNaught

The reality is many of us are either not taught how to be with our emotions, or it was not modelled in a healthy way, so our tactics to deal with them are often less than ideal.

Kicking my own car in a fit of anger, rage, and deep hurt was my way of giving my emotions an offramp. The only way I knew how in that moment.

In psychology, this is called the shark fin curve. My emotional trigger of feeling rejected (yup, it was a break-up), abandoned and dismissed created a peak emotional experience. The tip of the shark fin caused me to instinctively get out of that feeling as fast as possible.

You may know your own shark fin moments. They may be wild or subtle. You’ll know it when an emotional experience needs to be quickly offloaded, and the only way we know how is to replace it with something else–numbing, deflecting, distracting, blaming, complaining, explaining, defending, or shutting down.

The descent is fast. The relief is real. But the learning? Lost.

This pattern, repeated over time, reinforces emotional avoidance and an inability to be with difficult emotions. The incorrect belief is that tough feelings are bad or wrong, as though it’s a dangerous neighbourhood that you have to get out of fast.

But here's the insight: what if we paused at the peak? What if we allowed ourselves to linger in the discomfort—not to suffer, but to listen?

We allow new information to rise when we stay long enough with an emotion. We might discover an unmet need, a value being challenged, or an old wound ready to heal. We trade the sharp drop for a gentler slope—a wave instead of a spike. And that wave, that ride, brings us not only gentle relief… but wisdom.

If I were to go back to that moment when I felt so rejected, I would have sat in my car and cried. I would have felt the grief of the lost relationship fully. I would have put my hand on my heart and said, “I choose me.” That wisdom just took a little longer to reach, and that, in and of itself, is okay.

Riding the wave of emotions is courageous; the gift is wisdom.

Leadership is an art form, not something to get right by following the rulebook and scorecard. It’s a way of thinking creatively, strategically and mindfully.

At its core, leadership is about setting a vision, creating strategy, and inspiring others. A great leader empowers people to recognize their potential as they move forward. A leader is the wind under the wings of the tacticians and specialists who make things happen. This is the art of leadership.

So, if you’d like to deepen the art of leadership, look to other expressions of creativity to develop this vital craft. We benefit greatly from expanding beyond our linear perceptions and busting our set opinions through the lens of art. Art allows us to transcend traditional thinking, stepping into infinite possibilities.

Art is the act of creating something entirely new, driven by vision and presence. In fact, I believe the two most important elements a leader can possess are exactly that: Vision and Presence, with capital letters. With these two honed skills, a leader can move into bold and intentional action, just as an artist moves toward a blank canvas to create. Leadership, like art, requires courage and conviction with a side of resilience. Even though we care deeply, we don’t take things personally. We continually update our relationship to failure, fumbles, and wrong turns because, deep down, we know that sometimes the unexpected is the best result.

The leadership woes I see with my clients begin in the grip of needing to be right. Fear casts a narrow field of view, eliminating the ability to be creative and boldly test new approaches. This need to be right often promotes status quo behaviour, the demise of a team culture or even the profitability of an entire organization as leaders double down on what they think is “right”.

What would an artist do? Change mediums, try new marks, turn the canvas upside down, try a new instrument?

There is no doubt that embracing uncertainty and experimentation opens up new pathways, but what gets in the way? It can come down to the evolutionary development of our brain and the connection to danger and the unfamiliar. We have trained ourselves to cling to the familiar, even if it doesn’t serve us.

The good news is that there are ways to boost your creativity and test the waters of the unknown as a leader. I’ve outlined three ways to bypass the mental storm and tap into the vast potential beyond the known. Practice all three and see what opens up in you! To truly expand leadership as a creative act, practice these with your team. Encourage them to meditate, practice art as a hobby and get outside into nature. The value of creativity and connection is worth investing in.

Meditate

Author, speaker and meditation teacher Deepak Chopra says, “Meditation makes the entire nervous system go into a field of coherence.” Taking 10 minutes daily to sit in stillness could make the difference you hope to make as a creator and leader.

Produce Art

You don’t have to be skilled to benefit—small creative acts such as doodling, painting, singing, playing an instrument, or storytelling train the brain for innovation and to seek more profound connections. Like going to the gym to build muscles, creative activities boost problem-solving skills, critical thinking, and adaptability. Practicing any form of creativity is a powerful tool for mental clarity, emotional well-being, and humility.

Experience Awe

Awe is an underestimated positive boost in our ability to create and lead. Exposure to awe, whether in nature, in a gallery or in a spiritual setting, shifts our focus from me to we. Great leaders understand how the ego gets in the way of building a team. Awe makes us all less self-focused as we connect to something greater than ourselves. Social Scientist Dacher Keltner outlines the benefits of awe and how it helps leaders be more inspiring and effective in his brilliant book Awe: The New Science of Everyday Wonder and How It Can Transform Your Life. Build in ways to connect to awe more often; it can be as simple as pulling over to take in a sunset.

The art of leadership is a practice, a mindset, a vibration full of possibility. Add colour, shape and harmony to your ability to lead and inspire. You are the one.

Author Anne Lamott described the perils of the mind with her usual wit: “My mind is like a bad neighbourhood; I try not to go there alone.” My takeaway from this quote is to not go into the bad neighbourhood without skills, tools and a whole lotta self-love and compassion. We don’t have to face the storms or dark alleys unprepared.

You will notice thought-storms when your body tenses up, your heart feels like it’s in a vice grip, and you feel frozen as you try to figure your way out. The wide range of effects anxiety can create is extraordinary. I’ve both experienced and heard from clients the wide range of mental, physical and emotional toll anxiety creates. What doesn’t work at any level is to try and fix or understand the source of the pain. That’s like falling down a mountain and asking yourself why you’re falling. The most important thing to do first is self-arrest. Stop the fall.

A MENTAL HACK

I discovered a mental hack this morning as the storm began to brew. As the thoughts and images formed in my head like a tornado picking up houses, cows and Toto, I suddenly saw a string all knotted up. I followed the image and began to work to untangle it.

My mind got busy solving a simple visual problem, and poof, all was calm.

Anxiety loves to trick us into chasing solutions to unsolvable problems. But here’s the thing: you get to play a new game. Redirect the powerful imagination center of your brain to something manageable and calming, a simple problem you can solve. For me, it was untangling an imaginary knot.

It’s all made up, so why not make up a solution?

You can choose any simple problem to solve, untying a knot, putting puzzle pieces together or fitting shapes together. You can use your incredible capacity to imagine for your benefit.

Leaders often feel the pressure to stay in control, even amid stress. The impact on the people who rely on you is too risky to become de-regulated. But the truth is that leadership begins with self-leadership. Tools like this can help us navigate “bad neighbourhoods” at any time of day with clarity, calm and compassion.

As someone who has spent years helping leaders navigate their inner and outer worlds, I know how important it is to have simple tools in your back pocket. I hope this one is helpful to you.

P.S. I’m exploring more tools like this as a part of my work, helping leaders cultivate emotional intelligence alongside their desire to be engaged, compassionate high performers. I’d love to hear your thoughts or experiences if this resonated with you.

PHOTO: Upsplash

As I prepare to gather with my family tonight, I wanted to consider a question that moves beyond the usual highlight reels.

A conscious conversation starter: What unexpected blessing did you receive this year?

This question came to me on my forest walk today. I thought about the good things that happened, many of which I have shared with those close to me. What I haven’t talked about openly are the unexpected blessings that happened as a result of challenges, struggle and suffering. These are the gifts that come through pain.

One came to my mind immediately—the unexpected blessing of launching my birds and embracing an empty nest.

Both my kids are away at school this year, something I was mentally prepared for, but my emotions went on a bit of a ride.

I experienced a face-to-face encounter with what it means to be unattached to an outcome. I had declared I would never be the parent who sends her kids to boarding school. It was an arrogance I was unaware of until I realized my daughter’s growth would be hindered if I kept her in the local schools, no matter what my plan was. Living without her at home has felt like living with a hole in my heart. Walking by her empty bedroom, seeing her stuffed animals all in a row, and knowing I don’t need to make her breakfast in the morning has created a loneliness I wasn’t expecting. The mornings and the early evenings are the most challenging as my nervous system is tuned to catch them, hug them, give them snacks and hold space for them even if they didn’t need me.

I had a choice this year: live in resistance to what is so or be willing to receive the unexpected blessing. After a couple of months of wallowing, I shifted my focus, care, and attention to myself.

I reconnected with three incredible women who inspired me to explore different healing modalities. They offered an empathetic perspective and reminded me how powerful I can be when I set my mind to it. Invigorated and inspired, I put a new emphasis on my work, fell back in love with my yoga practice and changed up my fitness program.

The unexpected blessing of not having my kids at home was that I began to say yes to my wants, desires and next-level dreams.

Looking back, what unexpected blessings have come to you this year? Were there moments of pain or struggle that, in hindsight, brought hidden gifts?

I hope you enjoy reflecting on this question. Pain’s promise is wisdom; don’t let it pass you by.

PHOTO: Andi Wardrop

She was 95 and lived a robust, loving and fully engaged life for those 9 1/2 decades. She was my mum’s best friend, her travel buddy, the yin to her yang. Because she brought a grounded energy to my mum, who was like an enthusiastic hummingbird, she became a trusted source of truth and love for me. I could ask her anything and she’d tell me the straight-up facts. She was a person who looked you in the eye and gave you the sense that you could do anything, become anyone, and accomplish great things. She didn’t do this through empty cheers or saccharine compliments. Her word was gold.

In her later years, she declared to her family two things; one was that she would drop dead one day and skip the being sick part. The second was that they could be sad but not sorry; she lived a good life. Like I said, her word was gold.

So, what did I learn? Listening to her sons, daughter, and grandchildren speak at their beloved’s funeral, I did more than learn; I remembered, reflected and restored my faith in love. Love can do such beautiful and mighty things. It can buoy people, helping them float above their pain and suffering. Love helped her endure the loss of her son, a tragedy no one should experience. Her love was courageous and full of a purpose to ensure no one was left out, feeling like they didn’t belong. Her love was baked into the bazillions of cookies, muffins and cakes, nourishing her loved ones without asking for a thing in return. Her love gave her granddaughters the strength to navigate choppy waters, often through a good meal and a game of cards. Love doesn’t need to be fancy; it just has to be honest.

It was no accident that this particular friend asked me that question. He is a man of intention and design. He takes on life as a giant puzzle, every piece revealing something magical and beautiful. He sees life through the lens of curiosity and adventure, never ignoring a piece of the puzzle, even if it’s ugly or brutal.

This is the thing about funerals. They bring people together to ponder, reflect and ask big questions like “What is my life about?” Do I want to waste it complaining, resisting, avoiding, defending or validating? Or do I want to get into the kitchen and cook up some healing soup and serve some people? Or maybe I want to go on an adventure, look people in the eye, and let them know they are fabulous. One thing for sure: life is more beautiful, purposeful and profound when you know yourself.

I believe what she taught me most of all is to write my own story. I’m not willing to let someone else write it for me. I’m not here to be polite, conform, or stay quiet at the back of the room. Nah, I’m a front-row gal, hand up, ready to learn and grow. My life is about energy. I want to generate it, move it, and share it. This life is far too beautiful to let it be anything less than fabulous.

Contrary to popular belief, our light source isn’t finite—it can be limitless if drawn from the right place. This is the key to understanding the subtle art of not burning out.

We think we need to manage our energy, controlling how much we give to some things so that we can have enough for others. We launch on a quest to achieve this mythical work/life balance and wonder why we never achieve it. It’s because we look at our light, our energy, as though there’s just enough to go around. This is all effort, all push, all fear-based thinking.

Fear-based thinking can be subtle. It can be mistaken as a good thing, a desire to please, help or serve others.

The most compelling example happened to me while visiting my mother-in-law with my two young children and my husband. I wanted her to like and approve of me. Okay, honestly, I wanted to blow her away with my charm. I displayed my best manners and social skills, and, most importantly, I tried to show her how much I loved her son.

One night, we had a moment alone, sitting at the dinner table long after the meal was over, and it was a rare opportunity for us to connect. She said few words to me, but what she said stung deeply. She looked at me with intention and said, “You, my sweet, burn bright and burn out.”

It was a wild ride of both validation and crushing defeat. I defended myself (a fear-based mechanism) by thinking, “At least I try.”

Years later, with a few self-awareness experiences under my belt, I realized how my effort was fueled by fear over love. I was burning bright in my attempt to please and burned out when it didn’t work. Fear feels controlling, complex, full of dark corners and winding roads of intricate moves. Love feels like the truth, simple, clear and unwavering.

This insight led me to think of how my light source becomes drained. If I get really quiet and present, I can see myself in the throes of effort, trying to please someone or trying to avoid my worst nightmare; the feeling I’m not adding value. Often, our biggest fear is the shadow side of a deep value. What’s important to me is adding value to people, contributing, and making a meaningful impact. If I’m not able to do that, a subtle voice of fear begins to chirp. It sounds like “You better do more, be smarter, work harder, say THIS…no say THAT! Ugg, just be quiet, it’s hopeless.”

The truth is that our light, our source of love and positivity, is crystal clear and limitless.

When we come from love, truly from love, we become brighter, and so does the world around us. When we come from fear, there is a grip, a holding on, and an effort that contracts and ultimately drains us.

There is a powerful yet subtle discernment between love and fear. This discernment opportunity shows up in everyday moments of choice: to call a friend, say no to a project, post on Instagram, go on a date, buy an outfit, or apply for a job.

Did you first ask the question, is love or fear driving this choice? And if it’s fear, forgive yourself, return to love and make a new choice.

Developing strategies to prevent burnout is tiring and typically leads to more fear-based actions. Seek, instead, the ways you come alive, thrive, and burn bright. Live and act out of love; it’s actually easier.

By choosing love over fear, we ignite an endless source of light—one that brightens not only our own path but also those around us.

Remember this…

LOVE
FEAR

PHOTO: Andi Wardrop

Many people have trouble regulating their emotional state when anger spikes. But there is a way to lean into the anger and discover a deeper meaning beneath it, allowing you to recover faster. Not only will recovery from the reaction be faster, but you’ll also have a more meaningful and peaceful understanding of yourself.

This work is part of my Lead Well program, which I am currently leading with a corporate client. In this course, I invite participants to explore what angers them, pisses them off and gets their goat. All kinds of things come forward, such as people being late, people lying, people diminishing or teasing each other. Of course, we can agree that all of these things are annoying, but there is a hot button for one or two that is unique for each individual. It’s the hot button that sparks the flame of anger that I’m interested in exploring because underneath that is a true and profound value that you hold.

The fascinating thing about leading this kind of work is that the work shows up on my own doorstep. Those of you who are coaches and leaders are probably nodding along.

I succumb to the very human experience of anger and upset. I stomp my foot in outrage and unfairness and feel self-pity rush in. I have to pause and remind myself that I have the tools, I just have to use them. I have heard some psychologists call this the shift from research to mesearch. Accurate.

My most recent mesearch went something like this; I’m scrolling Instagram late at night (a well known no-no in the realm of wellbeing), I see an image that triggers feelings of anger and hurt. It’s late at night, so I can do nothing about it. I toss and turn all night, making up all kinds of stories in my head. In the morning, I’m tired, drained and feeling sad. I drag myself around all day thinking about this issue, unsure how to settle it, unclear how it can be resolved. Then I remember the work. There is a hidden value underneath my anger, so I take myself out for a walk to explore the corners of my emotional landscape, looking to discover what has been trespassed upon within me.

This is the inside job.

This is the work that is essential before any outer changes can lead to fulfilment or happiness. I could have skipped this step, called my friend and told her how mad I was. This tactic would give me a sense of control which would provide a quick dopamine hit and a brief sense of satisfaction. I could let her have it, gave her a piece of my mind, but how long does this sense of satisfaction last? In my experience, not long.

When we do the inner work first, we begin to look at the world as it is rather than how we want it to be.

Anger is a complex emotion; the fire inside burns and makes us want to douse the flame quickly. We want to rush out and handle the issues we see outside of ourselves. And sometimes, that is correct, just not always.

As I spent time identifying the values, my focus shifted away from the upset, creating the space for my nervous system to regulate. I turned away from the rabbit hole of meaning-making that comes with anger and looked upward, toward what I value. This event revealed my top values of honesty and trust.

Once I was clear on this I was able to call my friend and have a calm, honest conversation with her in the spirit of building trust. I had to activate MY OWN values rather than expect others to value them for me.

The space that I held allowed her to move toward me rather than have to defend herself. She was quick to appreciate my values and apologized. The issue was over within minutes.

Isn’t it a fascinating ride? The time, energy, and well-being I drained out of me as I ruminated about the most awful possibilities was unnecessary. Anger takes us to dark places if we let it, but it can reveal beautiful things about us if we choose to look.

Tell those close to you, coworkers, family members, and friends about your values. They will understand you more deeply and be able to relate to you on a more meaningful and productive level.

Underneath your anger is a value. Like the blacksmith that works with heat to form something beautiful, let your anger reveal the gift within you.

Share your gift, not the heat.

Photo Credit: Upsplash

Emotional intelligence (EQ) has a quality; it feels simultaneously grounded and spacious.

First, let’s define EQ.

Emotional = the ability to experience the full spectrum of emotions

Intelligence = the ability to learn, discern and adapt

Combining the two lets you experience an emotion without it taking you down and out. You are able to notice, as a witness does, that the emotion is passing through you; it does not define you. High emotional capacity is “I feel sad” vs “I am sad.”

High emotional capacity is the ability to be aware of the experience of your emotions and identify them on a granular level, beyond the basic mad, sad, or happy.

Dacher Keltner, a UC Berkeley psychology professor and expert on the science of emotions, has produced research that outlines 27 distinct categories of emotions. These categories can guide you to understand the nuance of your feelings.

The 27 emotions are admiration, adoration, aesthetic appreciation, amusement, anger, anxiety, awe, awkwardness, boredom, calmness, confusion, craving, disgust, empathic pain, entrancement, excitement, fear, horror, interest, joy, nostalgia, relief, romance, sadness, satisfaction, sexual desire, and surprise.

Emotions don’t live in a box; they dance, weave, and interplay with our thoughts. Depending on what you are going through, thinking, and doing, several emotions are likely happening simultaneously. Emotional Intelligence is in the discernment, witnessing, and naming of emotions.

This process of discernment and naming is crucial as it enlightens you and gives you a deeper understanding of your feelings. It allows you to make an empowered choice of action. Emotional intelligence avoids emotional reactivity, shutting down, or numbing out. It's not about changing your thoughts; it's about becoming aware and knowledgeable about your emotions.

Leading with Emotional intelligence

Daniel Goleman’s article in the Harvard Business Review, “What Makes a Leader”, outlines his definition of EQ. Goleman argues that leadership isn't just about having technical skills or intellectual capabilities but also requires emotional intelligence (EQ) made up of five elements:

1. Self-awareness: Understanding your emotions, strengths, weaknesses, and the impact they have on others.

2. Self-regulation: The ability to control or redirect disruptive emotions and impulses and to become aware before acting.

3. Motivation: A drive to work for reasons beyond money or status, driven by an internal desire to create a sense of progress or achieve goals.

4. Empathy: The ability to appreciate, identify and adjust to the emotions of others. Empathy is the ability to feel “with” not feel “for”.

5. Social skills: The ability to positively nurture relationships, build networks, and inspire others.

To be empowered by EQ in your personal or professional domain, the whole is the goal. Picking and choosing amongst these five elements does not lead to emotional intelligence. However, deciding which area may be drained is a great place to start. For instance, I felt low on motivation when my kids both went away to school. My emotional landscape was peppered with worry, boredom, anxiety and longing. Once I was able to identify the emotions, I could discern what I was able to learn, grow and adapt to. I noticed my motivation was low, so I kicked into action and created a professional challenge for myself. This process lived within me, I didn’t need to wait for outer circumstances to change to engage with my life. This is the power of EQ.

Emotional intelligence is an inside job. It can be fascinating to read studies and articles and ponder how your team can have higher levels of EQ, but without personal awareness, it is simply entertainment. At best, talking about EQ articles, books, or podcasts is like skipping stones; it’s surface-level. At worst, talking about it becomes a weapon of judgment against others. Reading about EQ is a powerful start to your ability to read yourself, but it’s just the beginning.

Identifying emotions requires patience and vulnerability. Deepening intelligent discernment leads to new choices and actions requiring curiosity, self-love, and a sense of purpose.

Doing this work alone is possible but likely will take longer, while working with a trusted friend, mentor, or coach will provide perspective and insight that may not have been possible alone.

This topic is a deep passion of mine, and I’m committed to continuing the conversation. I’d love to hear your thoughts, experiences, and insights.

As always, onward and upward with awareness as your greatest gift.

Let me start with the worst question. When facing an obstacle, challenge, or undesired result, asking why often leads to shame, blame, and resentment. This does not preclude the important work of identifying the actual problem; however, asking why it’s happening is an unhelpful tactic. For example, if you are single and want to be in a loving relationship, asking, “Why am I single?” only leads to a negative rabbit hole.

From a neurocognitive perspective, here’s why: our brains love certainty, even if it’s negative. If you’re in a problem and you ask why you’re in the problem, all your brain can focus on is the problem. The focal point becomes the negative outcome with our conscious mind filling in the meaning. And you’re likely well aware that the meaning our minds make of why we are experiencing a shortcoming is full of low-brow thoughts.

So, rather than asking why, ask these two questions instead. They will require the threat-seeking part of your brain to be quiet and will challenge your conscious mind to start looking elsewhere for the answer.

The three best questions to ask yourself are:

1. What do I want?

2. What’s in the way?

3. What action can I take?

These questions seem simple, but they are not always easy to answer. In my work, asking people what they want results in them generating what they don’t want. Don’t fall into that trap. Truly spend the time considering what you truly want. Another pitfall in this question is wanting something for someone else, such as " I want my daughter to be happy.”

The second question highlights what might be in the way of your desire. Focussing on the obstacles might sound like complaining; however, you can’t create a plan for your wish if you don't identify the obstacle. The truth is, if there weren’t obstacles, you would have what you want already.

Taking action, even one small step changes your focus toward a positive picture. Hope follows action.

Enjoy asking these three great questions, I can’t wait to see what you create!

photo: Jessie McNaught

It’s not money, it’s not fame, it’s not a bigger house. If it’s none of those things, what could it be?

The key to lasting happiness, meaning and fulfilment dwells in the quality of our relationships.

Studies show that the stronger our relationships, the less likely we are to suffer from physical and mental health issues throughout our lives. The research from the Harvard Adult Development study, following the lives of hundreds of people from different socioeconomic backgrounds, revealed that the participants with stronger relational bonds lived longer, healthier and happier lives.

Relational bonds are created with coworkers, family members, spouses, run clubs, worship groups, yoga buddies, best girlfriends, adventure pals, and even the lovely barista you chat with every morning. The quality of the connection is determined by how uplifted you feel in their presence. It’s not just how you experience the other person; it’s how you experience yourself around them. As my mother would say, “Be a fountain, not a drain”.

A great exercise is to consider the people in your life that you connect with regularly and simply bring them forward in your mind. You may realize you are connected to more people than you thought.

I take my dog for a walk every day, and most days, I run into a neighbour who always stops to say hi and check-in. She’s a character, wild, wise and a bit spicy. She has three tiny rescue dogs, loves to cold plunge and is utterly devoted to her son. She remembers my kids’ names and asks quality questions about them. Our talks may only last a few minutes before we move on, yet when I stop to think about how many people I’m connected to, she’s one of them. So broaden your scope and look around your whole world.

Then, take a moment to reflect on your nearest and dearest. When you close your eyes, who do you see? These may be friends, family members or both. Your cherished friends are the ones you’ve let in, the ones who have seen you at your worst and your best and have stayed steady. The bond between you has grown because of your ability to recover in challenging times. A friendship's quality (including family members and spouses) is measured not just in the joy, laughter and good times but in the ability to say “I’m sorry”, to admit fault and take the steps toward repair. A good friendship provides the space to fail and recover. A good friendship offers the space to feel safe enough to admit a lie, a failure, or a mess and know that the foundation will still be there. These are the moments that create meaning in relationships.

I’m blessed to have some dear friends who have been in my life for over twenty years. We’ve not been perfect friends; I’m not even sure what that would be anyway. I measure our friendship by our ability to feel safe enough to tell the truth. We can have heartbreak and disaster in our lives and know that it’s not our job to fix it. We can achieve and win without needing to compare.

One of the simplest measures of friendship is the 2 a.m. test: Would you show up for them if they called? Showing up brings meaning to friendship, and friendship brings meaning to our lives.

We can make our lives happier, healthier and more meaningful through the range of connections we have with others, from friendly neighbours to kindred spirit besties. The most important thing to remember is that it’s not stuff that will lead you to a meaningful life; it’s the quality of relationships you have. Please know it’s never too late to strengthen bonds or build new ones. Look up the next time your coworker says good morning, say yes to that lunch date, and get to know your kid’s friends. It’s amazing how many people want to know you. Consider this: you may be the key to their happiness and longevity.

The kryptonite to well-being is seeking validation from others.

If you reflect on a time when you felt deeply good, confident, entirely like yourself and at peace, your shoulders drop with a soothing sense of settling. You feel unshakable. In fact, the things that may pull you off center don’t even occur to you. You have an undeniable awareness of the foundation within, the one you can rely upon to provide you with the strength to navigate any situation. Assured of this realization, you have a peaceful sense of satisfaction and fulfilment while knowing this is where success comes from. If you reflect on this feeling, you know it’s precisely the sense of success you strive to feel as often as possible.

This is groundedness.

The irony is that the more we strive to achieve this wonderful feeling of strength and flow, the more it evades us. We believe that something is fundamentally not good enough and needs to be fixed in order to achieve the external validation we so crave.

Seeking approval or validation from others causes us to experience inauthenticity, stress and poor judgment. We find ourselves spending too much of all forms of currency to gain that stamp of approval finally.

Seek not to be grounded in the view of others but in the experience of yourself. Aim for a genuine relationship with your instincts, values, and beliefs. Feel the groundedness of your sense of being, the you that exists when no one is looking. Love and cherish that being first; then you’ll be able to love and cherish others peacefully.

If you are dealing with a challenge right now, a hill to climb or a void to fill, invest in boosting your sense of groundedness through some simple practices just for you, such as:

• Take a long walk in nature with no phone, no watch, no distraction and simply be with the miracle of the natural world. See how nature performs without needing to conform.

• Do something that’s fun just for you, an activity that brings you joy without needing to share or show it to anyone.

• Breathe long, slow breaths. Connect to your body while calming your nervous system. Breath allows us to slow the thinking mind down long enough to return to the present moment, where all is well.

• Play a song and move your body intuitively.

• Free-form writing for 10 minutes, letting all kinds of random thoughts, fears, and worries pour out onto the page, then burn the pages.

As you develop your sense of groundedness, remember that it is for you by you. You need not rely on anyone else to make you feel better about yourself. Enjoy the private oasis of your being, grounded in the knowing that you are good. While this practice is simple, it is not easy, and it’s one that I will be practicing for the rest of my life.

Last week, I dropped my firstborn off at university. As I watched him walk away, my heart burst.

I’m careful with the language I use to describe this moment as I know that the words I use to describe will create an outcome. This is a neuropsychological hack that I highly recommend. If I said, “My heart broke”, then broken-hearted, I would become. If I said, “I was shattered,” I would experience myself and my world as shattered. When I slowed myself down to consider how I felt, it was a burst of emotions, a cocktail of opposing sensations that swirled inside of me. All at once, I felt pride and sorrow, sadness and glee, doubt and confidence, worry and trust. Complex experiences of both/and emotions are difficult to describe in one word, so “burst” will have to do.

As we drove away, a surge of pain moved through me. Pain, however, is neutral; it just is. I had to watch my thoughts as I felt and notice the meaning I wanted to make of it. If I’m trusting enough to let the pain be, I’ll avoid the ambush of fear, doubt and worry. Instead, I shifted to love, the element that can alchemize pain into purpose. This is my purpose: to empower my kid to take his next step with confidence, humility and possibility. I am a mother lovin’ bird launcher. The declaration is more potent than the alternative, the empty nester.

Bird Launcher; a reimagined definition:

A mother who understands she will always be the mother, parenting is never complete.

A mother who knows the pain of letting go and does it anyway.

A mother who trusts her years of instinct, choices and parenting.

A mother who forgives her missteps.

A mother who knows that the nest has been within her all along and that love is the song she sings to welcome her loved ones in.

This perspective works for any transition in life. My hope is two-fold;

1. Notice the pain and feel it anyway while safeguarding the meaning that wants to knock on your door.

2. Reimagine the definition of the transition. Give it a new name!

3. Transitions will always bring a set of both/and emotions, remember your purpose to rise above.

May you reimagine your experiences with the possibility of positivity.