I remember going home that day and revealing to my much-older siblings what I had encountered. They made jokes and made light of my experience. While they pretended to take it seriously, I could very clearly see they were more amused than indignant along with me. I felt a deep sadness, another layer of feeling mute in an adult-led world that I didn’t seem to understand.

It was the first injustice I had encountered out in the wild. I am 56 years old, known for not being able to hold a proper grudge, and yet, I can remember the sharpness of those feelings. I have few childhood memories, and yet that one, I recall in technicolor. When I think of who I am today, that 5 year old’s inability to sit with hypocrisy and unfairness remains.

I didn’t understand that I was “gifted” until I studied for my gifted endorsement at 40-ish when I found myself in the literature. I remember the a-ha moments and incredible feeling of validation for so many feelings and experiences put into context. That is when I learned that gifted individuals often have a heightened sense of morality. I was a gentle, quiet child, who had a depth of feeling I couldn’t explain, and I knew injustice when I saw it. Asynchronous development explains why I was able to experience and observe things at one level, but not have the capacity to translate it into words and sequencing that the adults in my life could take seriously. The subsequent frustration translated into my external emotions being true to age, while the depth of my feelings remained advanced.

As the school year kicks off, it is imperative that parents keep in mind the potential for hurt feelings, unfairness, and experiences that just don’t line up with a child’s sense of right/wrong. A heightened sense of morality can show up in characteristics such as kindness, compassion, and empathy at deeper levels than their peers. Often because they are able to feel so deeply, they notice and feel inequities and hypocrisy that others don’t notice or deem significant.

Classrooms, bus rides, recess are all rife with possibility of events and exchanges that might cause a gifted child to come home feeling upset, indignant, or frustrated. We’ve all been there, so we know. Sometimes what we forget is how important each of those instances are to the child in that moment. If I could could turn back time and advise the adults in my life how they might have handled “The Raisin Incident” differently, I would tell them:

1. Understand that the child in front of you is small, but their feelings are not. Those feelings are often much larger than the child has the capacity to deal with in their small body, and they need you to help them.

2. Listen. This one seems obvious, but in the busy-ness of after school, the crammed schedules we tend to keep, and the ever-beckoning call of technology, it can be a challenge. Listening isn’t passive, so your presence is required. Help them name their feelings, remembering to help them find the exact word that allows them to feel validated. The relief that comes from being able to name and process feelings cannot be overrated.
   

3. Determine a solution with them. What action could help them feel better? The action may be as simple as some quiet quality time with you, drawing a picture to capture some aspect of the event, reading their favorite book, or something more active like dancing it out. It could also be helping them craft an email to a teacher, placing a call to a parent, or supporting them as they organize an initiative for a wider cause. In determining a solution, remember the “listen” part, as the child should lead with their thinking vs imposing your ideas on next steps.
   

4. Read. Make friends with your local librarian or follow a few on social media. They are experts in providing book titles for every topic and issue for all ages. Books are wonderful springboards for conversations around topics of empathy, justice, compassion, equity, etc., and this allows proactive discussion vs reactively dealing with every single thing.
   

5. “Let your life speak,” is a Quaker saying that deeply resonated with me when I came across it. There’s no better way to teach morality and justice to your children than to live a life that demonstrates them. Involve them when feasible in joining you in endeavors of service and giving. A wise mom advised me when I was pregnant with my first, “They become who you are—not what you tell them to do and be.” Don’t underestimate the “small” things you do each day, either, because they are taking notes. When you hold a door or offer your seat to someone, they notice.
   

So – why are kids regularly denied entry into gifted programs despite meeting all testing requirements?

When a school or district uses teacher input as one of the requirements for entry into gifted programs, this happens far too often. We firmly believe that teacher input does not have a place in entrance requirements, and the literature supports this:

• Students with disabilities and students with behavior issues are less likely to be referred for gifted services (article here).

• In another study, students displaying positive gifted characteristics were three times more likely to be nominated for gifted programming than otherwise similar students displaying negative gifted characteristics (article here).

Sadly, this means that we are likely missing gifted students who might benefit the most from access to gifted services and time with a highly qualified gifted teacher.

Gifted students are no more or less likely to have behavior issues than the general population (article here), but the motivation behind behaviors in gifted students may differ.

This is where we as parents and educators need to dig a little deeper – What is the motivating factor behind excessive talking, disrupting class, inability to regulate emotions? Often, for gifted kids, this comes back to a mismatch between the learning environment and cognitive capabilities. A 2024 review of literature (article here) concluded that educational experiences that don’t meet gifted students’ intellectual needs can reduce interest, engagement, motivation, and performance.

You see a child talking and disrupting classmates. I see a child who is bored and has taken control of this situation in a negative way.

The good news? When students are accepted into gifted and accelerated programs that better match their intellect, with peers more on their cognitive level, and with teachers who understand gifted learners, behavior issues generally do improve (article here). For possibly the first time, students have a teacher who knows that gifted kids need access to a safe environment to try new things and make mistakes. For the first time, these kids are in a class that challenges them academically and with peers they can truly collaborate with and learn alongside – rather than distract and entertain as an antidote to boredom.

If you are a parent seeing your child in this article, what can you do?

• First, ensure that your child has a valid gifted identification. If this did not happen through their school or district, there are licensed psychologists in every state who offer academic testing.

• Once you have test scores in hand that meet the gifted program qualifications at your child’s school, if you are still met with backlash due to negative behaviors, this is where you have to advocate for your child.

• Schedule a meeting with the principal and other appropriate administration personnel. In that meeting, cite the articles linked above regarding behavior outcomes in gifted programs.

We can also help. That’s truly what we are here for. Reach out to us at the link below or send us an email - julieandlizzy@gmail.com. We would love to hear from you and figure out how we can help you and your child to thrive.

We acknowledge and understand the historical equity concerns associated with IQ testing. This post is solely to address using student behavior as an access point into gifted programs.

Asynchronous development is a hallmark of giftedness. Grasping what it means, what it looks like for your child in the world is a key to understanding how you may support them. While your child is intellectually or cognitively of an advanced level, their social, emotional, and physical development may lag in comparison. In a primary student, for example, she may be reading at fifth grade level, yet she cannot master tying her shoes. A middle school child may be in high school math, yet have emotional outbursts that align with those of an elementary level child. Or a high school student, enrolled in college courses, has no same-age friends, because he would much rather be in the company of adults. The variations and possiblities are endless and unique to each child.

As gifted parents, we can possess some of the same intensity we often note in our children. WIth that in mind, pull yourself back to the high-level view of your child. Look at them holistically and consider where they are in each of the intellectual, social, emotional, and physical domains. When viewing them through the lens of asynchrony, a trait that sticks out or feels significantly misaligned with cognitive abilities often feels less threatening to you, as a parent. After all, pronounced asynchrony is “normal” in the land of the gifted child. Because it can be easy to default to using their intellectual abilities as the bellwether, stay vigilant of this propensity. Remember throughout this process of taking inventory: intellectual age is NOT an indicator of ability across domains, and your parental expectations need to fall into line accordingly.

Once you have a handle on how your child manifests asynchronous development, determine whether a particular skill or trait is causing them harm or impeding progress in other areas. Sometimes, we may decide that there’s no real consequence, and a little more time or a touch of intention from us is an adequate solution. Other times, we may see that more help is needed, and this is when we need to objectively measure the kind of help that would be best for the given scenario. That can be as simple as removing ourselves from the equation, as a power struggle can exacerbate an already lagging skill. Hit a wall with helping your little buttercup tie her shoes? Completely remove yourself from shoe-tying and pass it off to your partner or another trusted adult. Regardless of age or issue, the butting of heads rarely results in a winning result.

There are times when asynchrony appears more sharply, and a skill needs the attention of a professional. This can be especially true for our twice-exceptional children, who possess giftedness and a disability or diagnosis. Ideally, the type/severity of the skills gap will point you in the direction of support that would best benefit the child. For example, social skills can be bolstered via a school counselor, a well-informed teacher can work miracles with behavior management, and an occupational therapist can assist with all things fine motor.

Whether or not you choose to take any of the aforementioned guidance, our number one recommendation as you reconcile your child’s giftedness, the accompanying asynchrony, and back to school is to take a strengths-based approach. Sometimes, we can lock on so hard to wanting to “fix” that we lose sight of the myriad of gifts our children possess. Sometimes, we take a perceived “lack” as a statement on our parenting. Sometimes, we use language that is packed with negative connotations, and we forget the power and influence of our words. Our little ones (even when they’re big) are always tuned in, they can sense our energy shifts and concerns without an uttered word. Quietly provide support whatever needs supporting, but always keep a light shining on all the goodness they bring into this world.

Bottom line: we want to help. We have the hearts and souls of educators, and although the system is janky, our desire to lift up, support, and inspire transcends any constructs or boundaries. Given our combined years of educator experience, degrees, endorsements, licensure, and expertise, we realized we don’t need to be in a brick and mortar building together to live our purpose and share our gifts and talents. We decided to capitalize on the center of our Venn diagram, and come to you with what we collectively know best: gifted and girls. We are out to support parents and educators who are looking for some help along the way, a community, and a sense of belonging.

Backstory: We joined forces in a 6th grade Language Arts classroom at a K-8 Catholic elementary school, and it changed us forever. We had an unmatched year of teaching together, along with a bit of adversity—all of which sealed our fate to be more sisters than colleagues. Julie was working with regular education teachers on how to support the unique needs of the gifted student. Lizzy intuitively thrived at doing so, and with Julie’s encouragement, jumped fully into the fray of Gifted Education through getting her endorsement. Our synergy was undeniable, and we worked together to create an Advanced Language program for middle grades-junior high. More importantly, the kids we worked with thrived.

After that magical year, Lizzy became a public school teacher, married, and had two daughters. They are little fireballs who keep her firmly in the trenches of parenting young gifted girls. Julie has a grand time witnessing, supporting, and laughing with Lizzy as she navigates the raising of two little fireballs. Julie’s two grown daughters have taught her more than she learned via her Gifted Endorsement regarding gifted girls, and she’s still tired from the experience. ;)

ABOUT JULIE

I started teaching in 1993, a lifetime ago, when the problems in education were far simpler than today. I had the dream of being a teacher for as long as I can remember, and I thought I was going to change the world. Somewhere between then and now, I stayed at home for about ten years when my daughters were young. Through them, I realized the needs of gifted children were overlooked in the educational system.

I got my Gifted Endorsement as I re-entered the workforce and became a Gifted Instructional Specialist, designing programs for K-8 schools, teaching in a gifted resource room, co-teaching, and supervising graduate students who were studying for their endorsements. I sprinkled some consulting in there, too. I left education, the pandemic hit, and I felt the urgent need of the time calling me back. So, making it up as I went along, I launched an online program for a K-8 school, coupled with data crunching and advising on gifted programming because I couldn’t help myself.

From there, I went on to be an educational consultant, instructional coach, and administrator of an all girls’ selective high school. Somewhere in there, I graduated with my M.Ed., Instructional Design. During my time as an educator, I worked with students from PreK through graduate school and in private, public, rural, urban, and suburban settings.

Now, I am somewhere quite different. I intentionally left education with a broken heart and shattered ideals. Before I could set about properly grieving the letting go of my entire professional existence and what felt like my identity, I suddenly became the primary caregiver for my mother. What a gift that time was, and only now, one year after her death, am I ready to step back into living.

I find myself at an odd precipice. On one hand feeling like I know nothing, and on the other, realizing I have volumes to share. And despite leaving the physical confines of schools, I still very much am someone who needs to inspire, lift up, and educate. It’s just what I do. I leveled up to administration in education, with the hopes of impacting more lives through my work—and now, I’m leveling up to the internet with the same intention.

It is my hope that somewhere in our writings, you find something that makes you feel a bit brighter, more knowledgeable, validated, or inspired. While I let go of my childhood dream of teaching, I never let go of the desire to change the world—by creating one little ripple at a time.

ABOUT LIZZY

Growing up in the 90s, I knew two things: I wanted to be a teacher, and school was easier for me than it was for other kids. In many ways, I was your classic firstborn gifted daughter - a perfectionistic, people pleasing, extroverted high achiever. I was only ever in trouble in school for talking too much (a trait I very much still possess). I loved taking care of younger kids. I babysat often and ran a summer camp out of my backyard with friends. My younger sister had the PLEASURE of hours of playing school with me as the teacher. I like to think that benefited her greatly at real school.

To no one’s surprise, I did become a teacher. I am in my 16th year of teaching and currently a full time Gifted Specialist of 4th-6th graders. As an educator, I am most passionate about 4th-6th grade English Language Arts and gifted education. Teaching a 6th grade Advanced Language Arts class with Julie was my absolute dream job.

I met my husband when we were teaching at the same school, and we got married in 2019. We had our first daughter in 2020 (a Covid baby - what a time to become a mom…I’ve got stories…) and our second daughter in 2022. Our girls are currently in Pre-K and 1st grade, so we are out of the baby/toddler stages and into our grade school era. Both girls love to dance and sing and be with their friends. Our oldest is a social butterfly who can command any room she’s in, and our youngest is the funniest 4 year old I’ve ever met. They are the best of friends and the worst of enemies - often in the same minute. They ask questions, make observations, have amazing/crazy/interesting ideas, and push boundaries all day. As every mom knows, it’s exhausting and beautiful and overwhelming and hilarious and full of love.

I am a voracious reader - usually reading 2-3 books at the same time. I love middle grade books as much as “adult” books. I do the New York Times crossword each day but only sometimes do Wordle and the other word games. I enjoy traveling but am also a homebody at heart. Summer is great because I get to be home with my girls and spend our days at the pool and playgrounds - but my real love is fall. I’m a basic Millennial in so many ways, and I’m proud of that.

How did I see this manifest in schools? Sometimes earlier, but usually by 5th/6th grade, boys will inevitably commit some small faux pas at school. Maybe it means a detention or a call home. Maybe the student is reprimanded in person during class. The stakes are low, and the infraction is trite—but necessary to call out in a school setting. Maybe the child is struggling a bit academically, and he needs extra help. All of this is pretty straight forward, is it not? Barely enough for a ripple of concern.

But remember, this is The Beloved, so there’s no such thing as minor. Any correction of Little Boy-O can be felt by Mother as an affront, and consequences? Absolutely not. In the event the school does manage to overcome the inevitable politics of the very minor situation, and the child serves the consequence as outlined in the student handbook, that child will absolutely believe to the core of his being that it was unfair. He should not have received that punishment, even though he knows that he committed “the crime.”

Fast forward to little Precious’s arrival in junior high. Seventh and eighth grade, where hormones rage at disparate rates, the stakes are inevitably higher, and the plethora of potential “crimes” is potentially more severe. This is the age when private school kids are shopping for their high schools, and selective schools look at behavior records. The pressure is on, although most boys are oblivious, because Mom is busy doing the thinking and strategizing. The boys are busy growing and changing and trying to figure out where they fit. I am a huge fan of junior high because it’s such a wonky time of growth and development. One minute they are a little adult, and the next, back to being a child. It’s fun to see them ebb and flow and step into themselves.

However, many boys are not allowed the beauty of stepping into themselves. Helicopters, lawnmowers—call them what you will, but Mama Bear is going to shield them from those rich opportunities for growth. And growth and maturation is found in struggle, in accepting earned negative consequences, and accountability.

I remember a boy yelling something obscene in my classroom—it was too loud and obscene to be ignored. I did not see him say it, but I had this child for consecutive years, and I knew my older students’ voices as I know my own children’s. I had even taught the older brother for years and was often and regularly consulted by Mom for parenting support. But this transgression was a mark against Baby Boy, and that was unacceptable. What should have been an easy and anticlimactic “slap on the wrist” evolved into conferences, administrator involvement, and a ridiculous amount of time. I was an iron-clad, trusted educator in this particular school—and none of that mattered. He was innocent, according to Mom.

That poor kid went through the whole ordeal only to learn he was above the law, which meant that he’d have to learn accountability with a much harder lesson down the road. I remember him sitting at that conference table, knowing he would lie. And I didn’t blame him. The stakes had become too high, the whole overblown thing made it impossible for truth-telling by a child at that point. Too many adults were at the table, and his Mom was out there on a limb with her whole self.

It’s inevitable that how we treat our children will somehow weave its way into their older years, for better or for worse. So given all I have seen during the formative years of boys, it’s no surprise to me that we have so many young men struggling with the “failure to launch.” A thirty year old son, who can’t seem to secure a steady job, moving back home. Or a floundering “engineer’s mind” driving for Uber and getting his entire life subsidized by Mom and Dad. If you are in my age bracket, my bet is you’ve heard this story at more than one coffee date or happy hour. And what I’m talking about here has nothing to do with the economy, so let’s just drop that excuse there.

Now, I don’t blame these boys. I don’t even blame the Moms because one thing I know about Moms—we are all doing the best we can. Besides, blame is a loser’s game. I understand why these boys are struggling to gain their footing, as I have seen so many examples of mothers putting their jackets over every one of life’s puddles. They never learned how to do the very things that adulthood requires, because those requirements are built on childhood grappling and grasping. They have not learned to struggle productively and have been protected and coddled into impotence. Some of them don’t even know how to do laundry or create a meal that doesn’t involve unpackaging—and every application, reservation, or appointment ever made was completed by a loving, well-meaning Mom.

So, what’s the call to action?

In education, we talk about something called scaffolding, and it’s really not so far from the literal meaning of a scaffold used for reaching heights. A person cannot get to the top of the skyscraper without something built beneath, a strong support that will assure safe ascension. Parents of young sons must build that for their sons by allowing them to do, be, fail as separate entities. (Look up and read about individuation.) Let them pack their own lunches, do their own laundry, make appointments for themselves. And when they don’t, let them live the relevant and related consequences. Do not bring the (thrice) forgotten book or homework or run interference for disciplinary issues at school. For godsakes, let them take the flipped card, the marked chart, the detention—even if you think it’s marginally unfair. Trust the teacher, who was actually there for the infraction. And if you have a genuine axe to grind, do it without the child’s knowledge via email with the teacher—this is hard to pull off, because rarely have I seen it take place without a leak. If your son knows you’ll go to bat for him every time, it gives him carte blanche to run amok.

For the adult sons who can’t seem to find their way, it doesn’t feel fair to rip the rug out when they have logically arrived where they are. A friend of mine who is fast becoming a pro on parenting an adult child with an addiction said to me, “I cannot do for her what she can do for herself.” It resonates. Sometimes as Moms, we really like doing the thing–just to be nice or for our own enjoyment. But when we have grown children in need of launching, we would be wise to use my friend’s advice as a guiding principle. Firm boundaries are vital, and they often must be time-bound. I’ve watched my friend set boundaries that would absolutely gut me, and it’s the most hardcore, loving thing I’ve witnessed. It’s not for the weak, because it involves standing by while they flounder and fail again and again. The beauty in those excruciating moments is the knowing that with each misstep, they are one step closer to reaching a success that they can claim as all their own. Hard-earned victory—there’s nothing like that feeling.

I believe this chapter is one best supported by a therapist, because parenting adult children in a new and uncomfortable way deserves support. Please read this twice: engaging a therapist is not a sign of weakness or an admission of failure. It means you are not only brave, but worthy of help. The stigma exists only if you perpetuate it, so let’s just put that down and get to business.

A valid question you may ask after all of this is, “What about the dads? Where are they in this scenario?” All I can say to that is, “Great question!” In my experience, Dads were pulled in to give the perception of a united and more powerful front at conferences. They were leveraged as accessories and props, only to be rolled out for special occasions if at all. The families I am talking about lean “traditional,” so Dad’s voice might croak a bit in conferences, but only in deference to Mom. In the division of labor along gender-based lines that often exists in traditional families, something important for boys is getting lost.

I recognize this may have been a hard read for some. If you find yourself recoiling, I’d ask that you lean in harder. Take time to reflect, take inventory. Remember, blame is a loser’s game: the power lies in this moment, owning what’s ours, and being accountable for it. Let us work beyond whatever pain points or disagreements there may be and find a stronger path forward for our boys.

It is imperative that you know this article is focused on white, mid-upper socioeconomic families. My experiential learning and observations of the aforementioned dynamic took place in predominantly white, mid/upper socioeconomic, private school settings and associated personal contexts. I recognize this is not backed by research, as it the article is based soley on my perspective. Also, this article was intentionally written using “I” vs “we.” Although Lizzy and I typically write collaboratively, that is not the case with this article.

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During my first year of teaching sixth grade language arts, I assigned my students a narrative in which they were to create a dynamic duo. After much prewriting and planning, most of my students produced approximately 3-4 page stories and moved on to editing and revising. One student, however, was still writing the exposition of her story – and was on page 20. And this was not your typical sixth grade narrative with too much exposition and not enough rising action. (Fellow ELA teachers know how tough it is to get them past that!) Nope, this was the beginning of a full novel. And it was GOOD. It was a fantasy story with characters who had just discovered their powers and were being sent to a magical school.

As the teacher, I could have made her stop and conform to the timeline of the rest of the class, smash a quick ending onto her story, and move on to editing, revising, and final drafts. Instead, I told her the proverbial, “Go, fly!” I gave her the time and space and let her write. She was writing with a purpose – following her plot outline – but she was also writing with PASSION – perhaps the very beginning of fulfillment of her potential as a creative writer. As teachers, what more could we hope for our students?

This particular girl is gifted in every sense of the word. She is highly intelligent, unique, quirky, an abstract thinker, and resistant to repetitive work. In a different setting, she might have been shut down and forced to conform – a quiet resignation to societal and school norms. That is the case in too many classrooms for too many gifted females.

Gifted females are a unique subset of the gifted population. They have characteristics that differentiate them from their male counterparts. They experience different social pressures than do gifted boys. They are treated differently in the classroom and by their parents and peers.

Gifted girls:

• Are highly capable, but they may perform poorly in school and attribute this poor performance to low intelligence or ability

• Are often blind to their accomplishments or attribute accomplishments to outside forces

• May appear disinterested in school but excel socially with peers – sometimes gaining popularity in negative ways

• Are acutely sensitive

• Experience conflicting societal pressures as girls and talented individuals

• Are less likely than gifted boys to attribute success to their giftedness

• Are able to hide or silence their abilities, causing teachers and parents to overlook their potential

During adolescence, gifted girls’ self-confidence rapidly declines, and even girls who excelled in school may begin to hide their giftedness. By age 11, many gifted girls are actively hiding their talents – or may not even know they have talents. Gifted girls may purposely hold back talents because the need to please is stronger than the need to achieve.

In society – and especially in middle school and high school – different is not often celebrated or desired. Gifted females know they are different – but they often don’t know why – thus, believing themselves strange or wrong. This leads to low self-esteem, apathy, and fear of taking risks.

As teachers and parents, we have the power to change this trajectory for our gifted girls. First, we must identify underachieving girls who are slipping below our radar.

Common signs of underachievement in gifted females:

• Discrepancies between average/low test scores and exceptional originality, imagination, and insight

• Discrepancies between performance and self-concept

• Unwillingness to participate despite signs of talent

• Sudden, unaccountable appearance of ability in seemingly average girl

• Misbehavior that shows ingenuity/leadership ability

• Contrast between school performance and abilities & achievements reported by parents or other community members

It is imperative that teachers and parents of gifted girls understand their unique characteristics and cultivate experiences to help our gifted girls fly. Teachers can bring out previously hidden talents by incorporating group or partner work into daily instruction and pairing girls with classmates with whom they are comfortable (which may not necessarily be their friends). Create opportunities for and encourage girls to debate, ask questions, and push back on information. Model for gifted girls that differences are accepted and celebrated. Discuss what it means to be gifted and what it means to be a gifted female in today’s society. Celebrate your gifted girl’s unique strengths and encourage her to explore her talents.

We cannot afford to waste female brilliance any longer. For our society to grow and thrive, parents and teachers must support and encourage gifted girls in reaching their true potential.

I’m 56, and my girls are now in their twenties, living in another city, doing well by their own measuring sticks. But I remember when I was you, and I know how hard it can be getting from where you are to where I am. Oh, I know our children are gifts and all of the goodness of parenting, yes, of course we all know that. It’s those moments in the shower, in the garage or darkness alone, or in some stolen moment after drop-off that I want to talk to you about.

You are going to make mistakes. The cliché “there is no manual for parenting” is true, and you cannot possibly get through it all without stumbling. Some of those mistakes will be small, and some will haunt you in those solitary moments after they happen. You might wonder who you’ve become, because it’s not going as planned. It’s okay. There is no plan. I believe we are given the exact right children we are supposed to have to learn the lessons we are supposed to learn in this life, because as much as we think we are the teachers, the runners of the show, they are teaching us everyday. Let go of the hardlined picture you drew before kids and pencil a rough sketch of what could be.

In those mistakes, give pause. Give grace. Know that you are learning, too. Your child loves you beyond measure, and they are not keeping a tally of your sins–only you are doing that. Let it go. Apologize, and know that how you show up during mistakes is the real lesson. Let them see what amends looks like, let them see what fallible and imperfect can be. They won’t get through life without making mistakes—so instead of avoiding them or self-flagellating for your mis-steps, teach them how to rise through your own ability and willingness to do so.

Some days feel so vastly lonely. It’s you and a little one or little ones, you have some kind of something smeared on your clothing, and you’ve not yet managed a shower. Even if you have a helpful spouse or a solid group of friends, there are moments when it all can feel like it’s only you. I assure you in those moments, you are not alone. I wish I had known that then, so I hope you hold onto these words. In that echoing emptiness, you are kept company with the generations of women who came before you, who have lived through those moments and come out the other side whole and wise. Motherhood is sacred, and I wish I’d understood the power I could have found in the solitary vs finding despair.

You deserve time for yourself. You are worthy of love and care. Your humanness does not stop when you become a parent. Speak to yourself with kindness, and accept help and love from others. This isn’t a solo journey, and if you are blessed enough to have a support system, let it support you. If you don’t have a support system, your path may contain more daily obstacles—and for that reason, you may need to work harder at giving yourself grace. But never forget that you deserve it, as it need not be earned. You are worthy of breaks, gentleness, and kindness.

Remember who you were before giving birth, what you enjoyed, who made you laugh—make time for those things. You deserve a weekly date with yourself! In doing so, you rejuvenate your soul and maintain your individualism. And leverage the minutes that can be wrung out of each day. Quality time can be found every day in the mornings, after bedtime, and stolen moments in the car. It’s easy to get lost in the schedules, demands, and everyone’s need to eat (seemingly all the time) and feel like every minute is accounted for or must be allocated toward planning, thinking, doing. It’s okay to steal those moments.

All those things you are clicking and spinning around in your head will get done—or they won’t. In the latter case, they will certainly be waiting for you tomorrow, and that’s okay. Your home need not be perfect, everything doesn’t need to be timed to the minute, and every meal doesn’t have to be healthy and well-balanced. All of those demands can lean heavy on your mental health, and not one damn thing is worth sacrificing your well-being. All of the minutiae that makes up a day is just that: minutiae. We are made for the big things, and in the end, it’s the big picture that matters. Those little details, they can be shuffled around, and no one will suffer for it.

I know the stakes can feel so high, and no one can prepare you for the bigness, the volume, the visceral depth of the feelings that come with motherhood. I never knew I was capable of such extremes, and I never understood that love and anger and joy and frustration would bowl me over, time and time again. I never knew the starkness of fear until all of my love was walking around in a tiny human being. If I could hold your hands as you white knuckle the torrents of emotions, withstand the gut punches of doubt, and free fall through emotional abysses, I would. Where I am now, I know there is a yin and a yang to all of this, and in the end, it all comes together—because of us, despite us, for us, for them. What it looks like in the end is likely not the design we had planned, but it is the one that needed to be for reasons we may never understand.

At one point, my therapist introduced me to the concept of the “good enough” Mom. I was a mom who strove for perfection—and it was going to break me. It’s an impossible bar. At that time, I was a single mother with two teenage daughters. I was working full-time and earning my Master’s degree—and somewhere in there was a pandemic, a career change, an aging mother, and a lost friendship. I am convinced that it took the weight of it all to force open my arms, letting go of the notion of perfection. In the freedom of “good enough,” I like to think I did alright. My wish for you is that you find the “good enough” version that works for you, so you might doubt yourself a little less and enjoy a little more. You deserve it.

Love, Julie

Not all gifted children (or adults) share every characteristic associated with giftedness, so “gifted” does not look the same in every child. As parents, we need a full picture of what it means to be gifted, so we can best support our individual children in the ways that their giftedness shows up in their lives.

Some common characteristics can include asynchronous development, sensitivity, intensity, and perfectionism. Which of these do you notice in your child? Yourself?

Asynchronous development means that gifted children do not develop cognitively, socially, or emotionally at the same rates. While this may hold true for all children, the differences among gifted are more pronounced. Asynchronous development could mean that your child is capable of doing math 3 grade levels above their age but reads at or just slightly above grade level. It could mean that intellectually, your 6 year old may present more like a 13 year old, but emotionally, that same child may show up more like a 4 year old. When gifted parents finally learn the term “asynchronous development”, they can put a term to what they’ve seen in their child’s development from early on. We have been told things like, “I’ve been expecting her to behave on par with her intellect–now, I see how unfair that is,” or, “Oh! THAT’s why he (a 6yo) seems to prefer his 12 year old cousin versus his same age peers!”

Asynchronicity can be mind boggling in that you could have just had a conversation with your 8 year old that felt like talking to an adult, and then in the next breath, that same 8 year old is having a meltdown on par with a 3 year old. Your socially intelligent 5 year old naturally reads the room and plays with 10 year olds but struggles to regulate their emotions. As parents, we need to be aware of which “age” our kids are operating from in situations, so we can respond to them appropriately. This can be a game changer in the long journey of parenting gifted kids.

Sensitivity is a gifted trait that can also be a superpower when harnessed. Gifted children and adults are often incredibly sensitive - emotionally and/or physically. This could mean sensitivity to loud noises, bright lights, or weird textures in food or clothing. (Shout out to anyone else who has researched “seamless ballet tights” and ended up just cutting off the toes!) This can also present as extremely sensitive to (perceived or real) criticism, hurt feelings, or situations outside their control happening to other people. Rather than engaging in battles over socks, we as parents can guide our children to understand their sensitivity and how they can use this superpower to create a better world. (And yes, we can also buy seamless socks and cut tags out of clothes!)

Intensity often goes hand in hand with sensitivity - in that the sensitivity of gifted kids can result in intense emotions. When Julie’s daughter was young, she was extremely sensitive to the crowds, lights, and sounds at the mall. To avoid the intense meltdowns from this overstimulation, Julie and her daughter worked out a signal - squeezing her mom’s hand when she was overwhelmed, which meant Julie would pick her up so she could hide her head and they would leave. One common way to handle sensitivity to loud noises is to bring headphones to concerts, shows, parades, fireworks. If you know your child’s sensitivity to certain situations will result in intense emotions, get out ahead of that and come up with a game plan for them to alert you before they melt down or bring tools to help them stay comfortable. Creating a home environment with “cozy havens” for regulating and establishing predictable routines can help a child feel and be more in control and, therefore, avoid or soften intense emotional outbursts.

Intensity can also present as hyperfocus. How many times has your child been so focused on Lego building, a video game, or their book that you couldn’t get their attention unless you stood between them and their object of focus? They aren’t purposely ignoring you; they are demonstrating intensity. We need to know that moving our child out of that hyperfocus may cause a meltdown. They may need warnings, a timer, and a specific timeframe for when they can return to that preferred activity. Offering choices with timing can help too, especially if stopping an activity will cause them to lose something (a score, a game). Like sensitivity, intensity can be a superpower. Help your child discover their passions, give them the time and space to explore them, and teach how to set and honor boundaries around the time allocated for them.

Finally, perfectionism - a trait we know well. From our own kids to ourselves. Perfectionism is extremely common among gifted kids and adults, often intertwined with sensitivity and intensity. It can lead us to avoid activities and hobbies in which we won’t be automatically “perfect” and may need feedback to improve. Genuine learning happens when we stretch, when we make mistakes, and overcome challenges. Perfectionism can keep children (and adults) stuck in their comfort zones, where it feels predictable and safe. Focusing on grades or outward achievement can often exacerbate perfectionism, so instead, try building a safe space for your children to explore, stumble, and fail. Focus on the effort, the willingness to try again, and the resilience your child shows as they courageously try something new. We find the real challenge in dealing with a little perfectionist is often to deal with our own perfectionism. Children follow our lead – and showing ourselves grace as parents matters. But that, my friends, is an entire blog post on its own. We look forward to revisiting this with you!

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Let them read what they want to read. If we want to build lifelong readers, the path begins with freedom of choice.

If you’re a high-achieving, Type-A, perhaps-a-little-anxious parent, you know what it’s like to feel the pressure of wanting your kids to grow forward at all times – and this absolutely filters into reading. We can get frustrated when our high achieving and gifted readers choose books below their reading levels. We might have to stifle an eye roll or gulp down a sigh when they pick up the same book for the tenth (or hundredth) time. And graphic novels! Why won’t they read something that’s not a comic?! (Sidebar - graphic novels are NOT comic books. But we’ll get off our ELA teacher soapbox and tackle that issue another time.)

Lizzy was THAT gifted reader who read every Babysitter’s Club book she could get her hands on even when she’d already read them and when they were objectively below her reading level. To their massive credit, Lizzy’s parents never batted an eye at this reading obsession and in fact, funded the BSC obsession both monetarily with new books and in spirit with many library trips. Years later, Lizzy’s mom would tell her that she was “just happy you were reading”. And Lizzy is still a voracious reader to this day. Those years with the freedom of reading and re-reading sparked a lasting reading passion. Adult Lizzy is self-aware enough to know that Little Lizzy would have pushed back hard against control over her selections.

As parents, we can get so wrapped up in the minutiae of growing our kids into stronger readers that we forget the whole goal is to build lifelong, passionate readers. And what is the simplest and most powerful way to start to build that passion? By letting your kids choose what they want to read. Yes, even when the books seem way below their reading level, or it’s their old standby favorite, or it’s Dogman for the 50th time. (Can’t even tell you how many of our former students became readers via the Dogman pipeline.)

Years ago, Julie was coteaching an 8th grade advanced ELA class, filled with high-achieving and gifted students. One particular student would not read. He was “not a reader” and “hated books” by his own admission. Julie brought this student to Lizzy’s 6th grade classroom, which was filled with books and has always operated with a standard of reading choice. This boy reluctantly selected a book well below his reading level, appearing equal parts sheepish and hopeful. The book was from a series he loved when he was younger, and he took it back to his ELA class and began reading… From there, he was hooked. He read other books in the series (quickly, as they were easy for him) and eventually this spiraled into choosing higher level books. He left 8th grade a reader – and even admitted to liking books in his end of year thank you note to Julie. He could hardly believe it himself.

We have always run our ELA classrooms with choice at the forefront - giving kids access to books of all different genres and formats, creating book stacks with young readers in mind to narrow down choices, and encouraging students to discuss books with each other. This past year, more than one 5th grade girl asked for a “sad book” recommendation. Lizzy immediately handed them copies of One for the Murphys and all fell in love. Were they forced to read the book? No, they were given a suggestion based on their request and had the power from there to choose to read it or not.

There are absolutely ways that you can nudge your kids toward books you want them to read. Just as teachers do in the classroom, reading aloud to your kids can be the time where you choose the book and they settle in to listen. Please don’t abandon this daily ritual just because your kids can read on their own! In the classroom, ELA teachers often facilitate literature circles where students have a choice of a small number of books - perhaps all from a specific genre or by the same author or at their reading level. You can create this in your home too. Could everyone read a book about World War II and discuss what you learned from your different books? Is your kid super into dinosaurs? Find some books that involve dinosaurs from different genres and see what sticks for your child. (But also know your kids – some of them will run away as fast as possible from ANY parent’s suggestion even when you think you’re being stealthy!)

Bottom line — Let your kids read whatever they want, and watch the magic happen. And while you’re at it, consider picking up an old favorite of your own. There’s nothing quite like the comfort of familiar pages.

The tips in this original blog post can absolutely be replicated in our families. Want your own kids to read, and more importantly, to LOVE reading? Your first (and perhaps most important) ingredient is relentless, AUTHENTIC enthusiasm.

Blog Post Originally Published 7/18/2018 | Author: Julie

In our class of 23 sixth graders this past year, every single one of them read 40 books or more. Every. Single. One. The 40-Book Challenge, compliments of Donalyn Miller, was a component of the instructional philosophy Lizzy and I chose to implement for the 2017-18 academic year. Our learning from Miller’s edu-cult-classic, The Book Whisperer, fanned our existing love of books into a brushfire that swept through our shared Language Arts class, igniting a commitment to reading among every single one of our students. I had never seen anything like it, even though many colleagues had used independent reading as a mainstay in their ELA classes for years.

This post is the first in a series that will explain each of the contributing factors to our success in establishing a reading culture that produced incredible results. First up…

Authentic and relentless enthusiasm.

We can yak at kids all day long, but inevitably, they know what’s real and what’s not. They sense what we ARE and whether our words and actions are aligned. In my experience, kids recognize and respond to integrity. Our shared love of reading and all things books was the foundational action that led to our success.

Like every teacher we know, Lizzy and I feel great pressure to “get it all in”. From that initial class period in August or September, it’s a race to the finish line, cramming in as much as you can in however many minutes you have each class, beating the clock that ticks relentlessly and is loudest whenever you are not sprinting through the standards. However, this time, we began slowly and intentionally, committed to “talk the talk” that would lead to “walking the walk” with our students.

We talked favorite books, reminisced about childhood books, professed literary loves and hates, confessed to quitting books we just couldn’t get through, admitted to judging books by their covers, and discussed forming relationships with beloved characters. We laughed and poked fun; we bubbled with the joy of reading. We systematically created a palpable energy that radiated throughout the class, impacting even the self-proclaimed non-readers, and we fed this energy everyday in our interactions with each other and our students. And… we meant it–it was genuine and our own actions and instructional choices reflected that.

Practically speaking, you have to know yourself as a reader and just be real about it. Being an avid reader yourself is admittedly helpful in establishing reading, but some of us are just starting out or have fallen behind…That’s okay! Being authentic and enthusiastic doesn’t mean you have to have read the entire library. We are all learners and can walk that walk with our students. Whether you are miles ahead, a few steps in front, or alongside the kids, being genuine is what matters in establishing a reading culture in your classroom.

So… the 3 big takeaways as a parent trying to foster a lifelong love of reading?

1. Have books at your house – visibility demonstrates priority.

   • Do NOT sleep on your local libraries, people!

   • Variety and choice matters.

2. Read books

   • On your own AND with your kids

   • Make reading a special occasion, a routine, a bonding ritual.

   • If you don’t model it and mean it, your kids will see right through it.

3. Talk books

   • Favorite books

   • Books you dislike – Think of the back and forth you can have here, especially with upper elementary and older kiddos.

   • Books you all want to read

   • Specific questions and discussions related to plots, characters, conflicts, and themes

Happy summer (and all year long) reading!