Subscribe at Apple, Spotify, or Episodes.fm

Hosted, produced, and edited by Paul Eastwick and Eli Finkel

Intro

1:20: (Eli) Who are the characters and couples?

2:45: (Paul) 1-minute plot recap

4:05: What is our relationship to this movie?

What the movie gets right

6:10: (Eli) During conflict, you can always remove yourself from the situation

• “Locomotion” in social dilemmas study by Dr. Van Lange.

8:05: (Paul) Because couples divide labor during marriage, goal pursuit gets complicated upon divorce

• Shared memory in close relationships study by Dr. Wegner

• Shared goal pursuit in close relationships review by Dr. Fitzsimons

• Goal pursuit after breakup study by Dr. Gomillion

11:20: (Eli) A primary feeling we seek with our partner is to feel special

• “One of a kind” study by Dr. Anik

13:30: (Eli) Attachment bonds can start forming quickly, even on the order of minutes or hours

• The experimental generation of interpersonal closeness study by Dr. Aron

• The attachment system in fledgling relationships study by Paul

• Attachment features and functions study by Dr. Heffernan

17:25: (Paul) Initial desirability is irrelevant to long-term relationship prospects

• One person’s attractiveness is unrelated to their partner’s happiness study by Paul

Misconceptions in the movie

20:00: (Paul) The first half of this movie is an incel fantasia

• The idea that “desirability is a project” is a flawed and dangerous trope book by Paul

• People who self-disclose are liked more than those who don’t study by Dr. Sprecher

• Reciprocal self-disclosure promotes liking study by Dr. Sprecher

• Romantic confidence training may work study by Dr. Li

28:50: (Eli) The idea that individual differences in mate value are significant predictors of romantic success is significantly exaggerated

• Consensus and uniqueness in romantic evaluations study by Paul

30:30: (Paul) Men tend not to be sexually skilled during one-night stands

• Women get worse sex review by Dr. Conley

34:00: (Paul) It is normal to be sensitive to social rejection and seek to avoid it

• Fears of rejection and the signal amplification bias study by Dr. Vorauer

35:30: (Eli) Adhering to a “soulmate” theory of compatibility is linked to greater relationship fragility

• Implicit theories of relationships study by Dr. Knee

• Vengefully ever after study by Eli

“Are we ok with this?”

38:25: (Paul) This is an extreme example of the “What are you doing to do—take no for an answer?” trope vis-à-vis men’s romantic behavior

41:10: (Eli) Another bad trope: If a man isn’t manly enough, his woman is likely to cheat

42:30: (Eli) The Jessica love triangle is bonkers, including her giving nudes to a 13-year-old boy

Relationship Quotes!

44:55: (Eli) If we get lazy, even a good relationship can falter

46:40: (Paul) Cal and Jacob have some exquisite male bonding

What do we wish we knew?

47:20: (Paul) If a couple divorces, how do their couple friends allocation their loyalties?

48:50: (Eli) Are people more reluctant to get naked insofar as their sex partner is especially fit?

49:50: (Paul) Even if somebody isn’t attentive to mate-value differences, do they start attending to them after a breakup?

50:50: (Eli) How important is it that we not “let ourselves go” once we’re in a serious relationship?

Stars (1–5): The hosts rate the quality of the movie

Rusbults (1–5): The hosts rate the accuracy of the movie’s ideas about relationships

Music by Andrew Fraker and Sons

Artwork by Katie Keil

Subscribe at Apple, Spotify, or Episodes.fm

Hosted, produced, and edited by Paul Eastwick and Eli Finkel

Intro

1:10: (Eli) Who are the characters and couples?

2:20: (Paul) 1-minute plot recap

3:30: What is our relationship to this movie?

What the movie gets right

6:55: (Eli) It’s vexing to continue which aspects of selfhood, if any, stay constant across time

• Ship of Theseus wiki

• The Self Explained book by Dr. Baumeister

8:00: (Eli) Trust is a process of uncertainty reduction that culminates in a sense of faith in one’s partner

• The quest for conviction review by Dr. Murray

• Trust and memory distortion study by Dr. Luchies

• The development of trust study by Dr. Rempel

14:50: (Paul) We look to other people to help us make sense of ambiguous information

• Bystander behavior in emergencies study by Dr. Latané

• Social disapproval harms relationships study by Dr. Lehmiller

18:45: (Eli) Forgiveness is an interpersonal process

• Amends and forgiveness study by Dr. Hannon

• Perpetrator empathy and sincere apologies study by Dr. Schumann

• Perpetrators often underestimate how much victims want an apology study by Dr. Leunissen

22:30: (Paul) People who are ostracized are indeed much more likely to be aggressive

• Ostracism and aggression study by Dr. Warburton

• Multiple-victim aggression as a consequence of social rejection study by Dr. Gaertner

• Teasing, rejection, and school shootings study by Dr. Leary

• Completed vs averted school shootings study by Dr. Winch

Misconceptions in the movie

28:05: (Eli) Incidents that shatter trust are typically those that happen within the relationship itself

• Expectations and social cognition review by Dr. Holmes

29:10: (Paul) It didn’t seem credible that the Zendaya character wouldn’t have close friendships

“Are we ok with this?”

33:10: (Eli) The movie grapples with serious moral issues

• Sins of thought vs. sins of action

• When, if ever, should somebody be fired for a job-irrelevant moral transgression?

34:45: (Paul) The film forces us to reckon with the fact that it may be easier to sympathize with violent women than with violent men

36:50: (Eli) To what extent is moral behavior due to character vs. circumstance?

41:00: (Eli) Are we obligated in intimate relationships to disclose negative events from our past?

Relationship Quotes!

43:10: (Paul) The film capitalizes on the multiple meanings of the word “shoot”

44:10: (Eli) Relationships as performance

What do we wish we knew?

45:20: (Paul) Is the performative nature of relationships problematic?

46:05: (Eli) To what extent, and under what circumstances, are relationship reboots effective?

46:35: (Eli) Are there flashbulb moments when people’s worldview changes almost instantaneously?

47:45: (Eli) To what extent can interventions train people to resist violent urges vs. to eschew those urges altogether?

Stars (1–5): The hosts rate the quality of the movie

Rusbults (1–5): The hosts rate the accuracy of the movie’s ideas about relationships

Music by Andrew Fraker and Sons

Artwork by Katie Keil

Subscribe at Apple, Spotify, or Episodes.fm

Hosted, produced, and edited by Paul Eastwick and Eli Finkel

Intro

1:20: (Eli) Who are the characters and couples?

2:35: (Paul) 1-minute plot recap

3:50: What is our relationship to this movie?

What the movie gets right

6:15: (Eli) We tend to be more attracted to people if we see that others are especially attracted to them

• Mate choice copying in humans meta-analysis by Dr. Gouda-Vossos

• Prestige and mate-choice copying study by Dr. Foreman

10:30: (Paul) It’s not at all rare to lose interest over time in an objectively hot partner

• Consensual mate value “wears off” as people get to know each other better study by Paul

13:00: (Paul) Warner’s behavior undermines both Vivian’s and Elle’s interest in him

• Failing to derogate romantic alternatives predicts relationship difficulties review by Dr. Rusbult

• Pursuing somebody who fits a “type” is misguided study by Dr. Sparks

15:50: (Eli) Bisexual individuals often feel like their sexual orientation is invisible to others

• Bi+ identity visibility and well-being study by Dr. McGorray

• Determinants of mental health for bisexual people study by Dr. Ross

• “What do bisexuals look like? I don’t know!” study by Dr. Nelson

Expert Corner: Katy Milkman

20:15: (Katy) The movie (mostly) does a great job of shattering stereotypes

24:05: (Katy) Signals of our socioeconomic status (e.g., “polo player”) alters our likelihood of getting a callback for a job

• Pedigree book by Dr. Rivera

26:20: (Katy) It’s hard for women in professional spaces to be perceived as both warm and competent

• Warmth and competence as stereotype foundations review by Dr. Fiske

• Social incentives for gender differences in the propensity to initiate negotiations study by Dr. Bowles

• Women are just as assertive as men when negotiating on behalf of others study by Dr. Amanatullah

31:55: (Katy) Like Elle, Katy also followed a boy to Harvard

37:00: (Katy): When people are reminded of a negative stereotype against their group, they often push back against it

• Stereotype reactance prompts women to compete study by Dr. Pink

  ---

Misconceptions in the movie

41:40: (Paul) Women tend to find other women’s claims of sexual harassment to be credible

• Workplace sexual harassment review by Dr. McDonald

• Sexual harassment mythology study by Dr. Lonsway

44:15: (Eli): It’s rare for two partners to have radically different views of the relationship

• The two partners’ relationship commitment tends to be highly correlated study by Dr. Impett

47:25: (Paul) Attractiveness isn’t relevant to one’s ability to “hold on to a man”

• Attractiveness in unrelated to relationship satisfaction review by Paul

51:45: (Eli) The movie doesn’t give us enough information to understand why Elle is into Warner

“Are we ok with this?”

52:45 (Paul): Is it really necessary to conclude the movie by reassuring us that Elle gets engaged?

54:00 (Eli): Maybe Elle is the real villain?

56:45 (Eli): Um, maybe Elle’s sorority sister is also the real villain?

Relationship Quotes!

58:00: (Eli) It’s not about our “equipment.” It’s about how we use it.

59:00: (Paul) Warner gets his comeuppance.

What do we wish we knew?

1:00:10: (Paul) How do specific events alter our attraction to a person?

1:01:20: (Eli) Using the same idiosyncratic pet name for multiple romantic partners seems gross, but there aren’t studies of that phenomenon

Stars (1–5): The hosts rate the quality of the movie

Rusbults (1–5): The hosts rate the accuracy of the movie’s ideas about relationships

Music by Andrew Fraker and Sons

Artwork by Katie Keil

Subscribe at Apple, Spotify, or Episodes.fm

Hosted, produced, and edited by Paul Eastwick and Eli Finkel

Intro

1:35: (Eli) Who are the characters and couples?

3:10: (Paul) 1-minute plot recap

4:20: What is our relationship to this movie?

What the movie gets right

7:25: (Paul) It’s not inevitable for relationship quality to decline over time

• How relationship satisfaction changes within and across romantic relationships study by Dr. Bühler

• Patterns of change in marital satisfaction over time study by Dr. Lavner

• Curiosity and intimacy study by Dr. Kashdan

10:40: (Eli) When we’re accustomed to having our needs ignored, having somebody pay generous attention feels profound

• Perceived partner responsiveness review by Dr. Reis

• Simone Weil observation: “Attention is the rarest and purest form of generosity”

13:10: (Eli) Some relationships are sufficiently corroded that simply learning better relationship skills (a compliment, a reboot, etc.) is unlikely to help much

• Skills training has tiny effects report by Dr. Hsueh

• Esther Perel observation (echoed by the Penélope Cruz character): “Today in the West most of us are going to have two or three significant long-term relationships or marriages. And some of us are going to do it with the same person.”

18:15: (Paul) The problem for Joe and Angela isn’t the individuals; it’s the relationship

• Why one-size-fits-all guidance fails book by Paul

19:25: (Eli) Depression often manifests more as irritability than as sadness

• Depression and irritability study by Dr. Fava

• The irritable variation of depression may be more common in men than in women study by Dr. Martin

• Aversion to positivity in depression meta-analysis by Dr. Winer

21:55: (Paul) Making downward comparisons to others’ relationships feels good

• Perceived superiority study by Dr. Rusbult

24:50: (Eli) It’s easier to experience intense romantic/sexual passion in the first year of a relationship than in the 20^th year

• The Social Dimension of Sex book by Dr. Baumeister

26:15: (Paul) It’s rare for married couples to go an entire year without sex

• Among married Americans, about 7% have had no sex over the previous year essay from Dr. Lehmiller

27:00: (Paul): People who practice consensual nonmonogamy are prone to feel more compersion than jealousy

• When jealousy-inducing situations don’t (just) induce jealousy study by Dr. Balzarini

Misconceptions in the movie

29:40: (Paul) For conflictual marriages, it’s not clear whether staying together vs. getting divorced is better for the kids

• Parental predivorce relations and offspring postdivorce well-being study by Dr. Booth

• A developmental perspective on family influences study by Dr. Conger

• Much of the intergenerational effect is driven by genetics study by Dr. Harden

32:45: (Eli) When evaluating potential partners who we don’t really know, people tend not to be attracted to curmudgeons

• A cross-culture analysis of stated mate preferences study by Dr. Buss

34:40: (Paul) It’s strange for couples who have been together for decades to have never discussed the circumstances surrounding their first meeting

• Relationship initiation narratives chapter by Dr. Custer

“Are we ok with this?”

36:50: (Eli) It’s a violation of professional ethics for a psychotherapist to start dating her client

37:10: (Eli) Is it ever acceptable to gaslight a romantic partner?

39:25: (Paul) Is this accidentally a movie about how men need to be admired?

Relationship Quotes!

43:00: (Paul) “We love a contentious environment.”

44:40: (Eli) Sometimes, people feel so undesirable that it’s hard for them to understand that somebody desires them

46:30: (Paul) “He’s a little fuerte.”

What do we wish we knew?

47:20: (Paul) How do people get invited to sex parties? (Asking for a friend.)

48:10: (Eli) When do people have sex with their friends?

50:05: (Eli) What percentage of heretofore monogamous couples would say yes if offered the foursome opportunity (#TheInvite) that Joe and Angela receive in this film?

54:00: (Eli): How do couples interface, as a unit, with the social world?

Stars (1–5): The hosts rate the quality of the movie

Rusbults (1–5): The hosts rate the accuracy of the movie’s ideas about relationships

Music by Andrew Fraker and Sons

Artwork by Katie Keil

Subscribe at Apple, Spotify, or Episodes.fm

Hosted, produced, and edited by Paul Eastwick and Eli Finkel

Intro

1:10: (Eli) Who are the characters and couples?

2:15: (Paul) 1-minute plot recap

3:25: What is our relationship to this movie?

What the movie gets right

6:05: (Eli) Among humans, romantic competition is less about domination than about trying to be chosen.

• And this analysis apples to both men AND women review by Dr. Stewart-Williams

Expert Corner: Dan Pink

14:30: (Dan) Performance results from a complex interplay between natural talent and skill development

• Skills and abilities are highly heritable book by Dr. Harden

• They are also highly amenable to improvement through practice review by Dr. Ericsson

22:05: (Dan) Optimal attentional focus differs for novices vs. experts

• When paying attention becomes counterproductive study by Dr. Beilock

• Internal vs. external attentional focus in motor performance review by Dr. Chua

Misconceptions in the movie

29:15: (Eli) It’s exceedingly rare for people to get engaged within a few hours of their first interaction

• Timing of relationship events study by Paul

29:45: (Eli) It’s hard to imagine experiencing a complete romantic arc with a new person every baseball season

• People typically strive to sustain relationships over time review by Dr. Joel

• Romantic breakup is often emotionally wrenching review by Dr. Mikulincer

33:35: (Paul) Once people decide to date somebody, they try to convince themselves that’s the right choice

• I have, therefore I love study by Dr. Gunaydin

35:30: (Eli) Amends are typically required to procure rapid forgiveness of a notable transgression

• In the wake of betrayal study by Dr. Hannon

39:10: (Eli) Physical aggression is not a good strategy for resolving conflict between men

• Physical aggression and male friendship study by Dr. Dijkstra

“Are we ok with this?”

40:30: (Paul) What are the ethics of nonconsensual sexual abstention in monogamous relationships?

42:40: (Eli) Speed round

• The movie is impressively sex-positive, especially vis-à-vis women’s sexuality

• The Annie and Millie relationship is warm and noncompetitive

• There’s a casual cruelty to the movie, including 80s-era racism, sexism, and homophobia

44:30: (Eli) How do we feel about Annie, established and maybe 35, picking out Nuke, the hot stud in his early 20s—and how would we feel about a gender-reversed version of this dynamic?

Relationship Quotes!

47:00: (Paul) The canonical Crash speech (and the practical impossibility of amending the Constitution)

48:00: (Eli) “When you speak of me, speak well.”

48:30: (Eli) “New league record.”

What do we wish we knew?

49:00: (Paul) Do people sometimes bond over being abandoned by the same (third) person?

50:15: (Eli) What are contexts that make seasonal relationships especially probable?

Stars (1–5): The hosts rate the quality of the movie

Rusbults (1–5): The hosts rate the accuracy of the movie’s ideas about relationships

Music by Andrew Fraker and Sons

Artwork by Katie Keil

• Benjamin Karney’s Perspectives article (with Molly Smith and Tom Bradbury)

• Paul Bloom’s New Yorker article

0:25: Introduction: A new era of romantic AI

4:45: How should we think about a potential future in which large swaths of humanity are so fulfilled by relationships with chatbots that they eschew romantic relationships with other humans?

10:00: What motivates people to seek out romantic relationships with chatbots?

15:20: What are the upsides and downsides of forming a romantic relationship with a chatbot?

26:00: How does prolonged romantic engagement with an AI chatbot affect people’s ability form meaningful connections with other humans?

34:50: How should we think about the corporate underpinnings of romantic AI?

48:00: Can people involved in a romantic relationship with another human ethically and constructively build an emotional connection with a chatbot?

54:50: What are the crucial studies the world needs if we want to maximize the odds that the advent of romantic AI is beneficial rather than harmful for human welfare?

References

• She is in love with ChatGPT

• How Does Turning to AI for Companionship Predict Loneliness and Vice Versa?

• Sycophantic AI makes human interaction feel more effortful and less satisfying over time

• In praise of empathic AI

• Against frictionless AI

• AI Companions Reduce Loneliness

Subscribe at Apple, Spotify, or Episodes.fm

Hosted and produced by Paul Eastwick and Eli Finkel

Edited by Stefan Louw

Music by Andrew Fraker and Sons

Artwork by Katie Keil

Subscribe at Apple, Spotify, or Episodes.fm

Hosted, produced, and edited by Paul Eastwick and Eli Finkel

Intro

1:20: (Eli) Who are the characters and couples?

2:50: (Paul) 1-minute plot recap

4:10: What is our relationship to this movie?

• Vanity Fair article in which Nora Ephron admits that she’s trolling us

What the movie gets right

7:00: (Eli) Low expectations are a double-edged sword, but feeling like we’re settling is a bad sign

• We like people who are selective but nonetheless choose us study by Paul

• Expectations for future relationship satisfaction study by Dr. Baker

• Love is not blind, but prescient study by Dr. Murray

9:40: (Paul) Ideals and relationship well-being

• High expectations cause people to see their partners positively study by Dr. da Silva Frost

11:30: (Paul) When we experience potential kismet moments, we see what we want to see

• Motivation to be accurate vs. motivation to reach a preferred conclusion review by Dr. Kunda

• Motivated cognition in relationships review by Dr. Lemay

13:20: (Eli) Relationships thrive when close friends and relatives support it

• Social network support and relationship success by Dr. Sprecher

• Family and friends support study by Dr. Lehmiller

16:30: (Paul) People who are happier in one relationship are a little bit happier in the next relationship

• How relationship satisfaction changes within and across romantic relationships study by Dr. Bühler

Misconceptions in the movie

19:00: (Paul and Eli) Two harmful ideas are in the movie’s tagline: (1) one-and-only beliefs and (2) love-at-first-sight beliefs

• The tagline: “What if someone you never met, someone you never saw, someone you never knew was the only someone for you?”

• Soulmate beliefs are linked to breakup study by Dr. Knee

• Soulmate beliefs are linked to declining relationship satisfaction study by Dr. Gander

25:15: (Paul) Children of widowed parents often have reservations about the parent starting to date again

• Adults’ mixed feelings about their bereaved parents’ new relationships study by Dr. Nice

• Re-partnering—for any reason—is often hard on kids review by Dr. Anderson

27:00: (Paul) The breakup of a serious relationship tends to be protracted and distressing

• Relationship dissolution is among life’s most distressing experiences chapter by Dr. Lee

• Staying in the relationship for the sake of the romantic partner study by Dr. Joel

Expert Corner: Yuthika Girme

30:10: The time-course of grief recovery tends to be nonlinear

32:55: It’s normal for a widow to remain in love with their deceased partner while also feeling love for someone new

36:00: Being single carries a stigma, but the nature of that stigma varies by gender

40:20: Single women tend to be happier than single men about their single status

42:00: The experiences of lifelong singlehood vs. widowhood are likely to be quite different

“Are we ok with this?”

44:40: (Eli) The film normalizes pretty severe stalking behavior

45:00: (Paul) Why are we mocking people for liking a movie?

45:45: (Eli) Interesting questions about artists’ social responsibility emerge from the fact that Nora Ephron sought (through this movie) to mess up people’s beliefs about love

Relationship Quotes!

48:20: (Paul) Yum, tiramisu

49:00: (Eli) One person’s nightmare is another’s fantasy

What do we wish we knew?

49:40: (Paul) How does infidelity transpire as a series of small, incremental steps?

50:40: (Eli) When are we able to convince ourselves of something are trying to make ourselves believe?

Stars (1–5): The hosts rate the quality of the movie

Rusbults (1–5): The hosts rate the accuracy of the movie’s ideas about relationships

Music by Andrew Fraker and Sons

Artwork by Katie Keil

Subscribe at Apple, Spotify, or Episodes.fm

Hosted, produced, and edited by Paul Eastwick and Eli Finkel

Intro

1:15: (Eli) Who are the characters and couples?

2:30: (Paul) 1-minute plot recap

3:40: What is our relationship to this movie?

What the movie gets right

6:50: (Paul) Fledgling relationships can bring out the attachment anxiety in anybody

• The attachment system in fledgling relationships study by Paul

9:05: (Paul) The tendency for romantic relationships to emerge out of friendships is larger in LGBTQ contexts

• Friends-first initiation study by Dr. Stinson

12:00: (Eli) Sexual awakening in adolescence tends to involve a blend of exhilaration and humiliation

• Sexual shame review by Dr. Coates

• A sex-positive framework for research on adolescent sexuality review by Dr. Harden

• Sexual communication, relationship satisfaction, and sexual satisfaction meta-analysis by Dr. Mallory

18:00: (Paul) Age-discrepant relationships are more common in LGBT contexts

• The matching patterns of same-gender and mixed-gender couples study by Dr. Jepson

• Online dating reduces age-discrepancies for same-gender couples study by Dr. Park

22:05: (Eli) Relationship partners build meaningful microcultures—a distinct culture for the two of them

• Relationships as microcultures preprint by Dr. Rossignac-Milon

23:20: (Paul) People merge identities in close relationships

• Inclusion of the other in the self study by Dr. Aron

24:45: (Paul) Gay children benefit psychologically when their parents approve of their sexuality

• Parental support in the lives of gay, lesbian, and bisexual individuals study by Dr. Goldfried

Misconceptions in the movie

26:25: (Paul) It was rare, in the 1980s, for a parent to respond so supportively to their gay children

• In 1985, 89% of parents would be “upset” if their child reported being gay or lesbian (a number that dropped to 39% by 2015) survey by Dr. Gao

28:00: (Paul) It’s not true that we have less to offer new partners as we age

• Multiple relationships over time study by Dr. Buhler

29:35: (Eli) It’s normal to sustain sexual desire for our romantic partner into middle and old age

• Sexual desire declines, especially for female targets, in online dating and other marketplace contexts study by Dr. Bruch

• But not on first dates study by Paul

• Most people feel sexual desire for their partner, even well into older ages study by Dr. Sumter

“Are we ok with this?”

34:45: (Paul) Passionate feelings are sometimes implicated in cruel or careless behavior

38:05: (Eli) When does free-range parenting tilt over into recklessness?

Relationship Quotes!

40:00: (Eli) Special connections are about the special combination of the people involved

43:00: (Paul) On the etymology of apricots

What do we wish we knew?

44:20: (Eli) When is the experience of intense romantic passion beneficial vs. harmful?

46:00: (Paul) When, why, and how do we try to make ourselves feel less intensely in love?

• Attraction to others is linked to greater desire for our current partner study by Dr. O’Sullivan

Stars (1–5): The hosts rate the quality of the movie

Rusbults (1–5): The hosts rate the accuracy of the movie’s ideas about relationships

Music by Andrew Fraker and Sons

Artwork by Katie Keil

Subscribe at Apple, Spotify, or Episodes.fm

Hosted, produced, and edited by Paul Eastwick and Eli Finkel

Intro

1:25: (Eli) Who are the characters and couples?

3:05: (Paul) 1-minute plot recap

4:35: What is our relationship to this movie?

What the movie gets right

6:45: (Eli) Anger can blind us to the connection opportunities right in front of us

• Anger often masks more vulnerable emotions review by Dr. Johnson

• Anger, but not hurt feelings, is linked to destructive conflict behavior study by Dr. Lemay

• Anger undermines perspective-taking study by Dr. Yip

10:40: (Paul) The willingness to die for a cause is rare, but less so among people who have endured shared difficulty

• Dying for the group review by Dr. Whitehouse

• Identity fusion and sacrifice study by Dr. Swann

16:10: (Eli) Relationship partners can bring out the best in each other

• The Michelangelo phenomenon review by Dr. Rusbult

21:35: (Paul) The power of resistance against oppression

• Obedience and disobedience to authority study by Dr. Milgram

23:55: (Paul) Romantic attachment motivates proximity seeking and using each other as a secure base

• Love as attachment review by Dr. Shaver

• The romantic partner as a secure base study by Dr. Feeney

Expert Corner with Laurie Santos

26:00: (Laurie) On the pursuit of a pleasurable life vs. a meaningful life

• Joint importance of hedonia and eudaimonia study by Dr. Giuntoli

29:05: (Laurie) Shared memories and experiences pack emotional power

• Couple-defining songs paper by Dr. Harris

Misconceptions in the movie

36:15: (Eli) People aren’t great at predicting their future emotional reactions

• The misprediction of regret study by Dr. Gilbert

• Choices are hard when two options are equally good, but for incomparable reasons review by Dr. Chang

42:05: (Paul) The depth of the Ilsa/Rick connection in Paris is implausible given that they avoid self-disclosure

• Self-disclosure and intimacy review by Dr. Reis

“Are we ok with this?”

44:45: (Paul) How should we think about Ilsa’s Rick/Victor dilemma?

45:35: (Eli) Is the movie implying that good men are entitled to their preferred woman?

47:30: (Eli) When is it acceptable to hide unpleasant truths from our partner?

Relationship Quotes!

51:20: (Paul) He’s just not that into you.

51:45: (Eli) Sometimes it feels like we love somebody too much.

What do we wish we knew?

52:10: (Paul) When we feel jilted or hurt, when do we take it out on other people in our lives?

53:00: (Eli) Would most people rather be admired or romantically desired by their beloved?

Stars (1–5): The hosts rate the quality of the movie

Rusbults (1–5): The hosts rate the accuracy of the movie’s ideas about relationships

Music by Andrew Fraker and Sons

Artwork by Katie Keil

Subscribe at Apple, Spotify, or Episodes.fm

Hosted, produced, and edited by Paul Eastwick and Eli Finkel

Intro

1:15: (Eli) Who are the characters and couples?

2:50: (Paul) 1-minute plot recap

4:00: What is our relationship to this movie?

What the movie gets right

7:40: (Paul) The demand-withdraw pattern is less about gender than about challenges to the status quo

• Gender, social structure, and demand/withdraw study by Dr. Christensen

• Demands and withdrawal in newlyweds study by Dr. Vogel

10:10: (Paul) Many of the things couples fight about don’t actually have resolutions

• 69% of conflicts are intractable review by Dr. Gottman

11:20: (Eli) Relationship power emerges from the level of fulfillment we can provide (or withhold)

• Relationship power and the principle of lesser interest book by Dr. Waller

• Inequality in emotional involvement study by Dr. Sprecher

• The relationship power inventory study by Dr. Farrell

14:30: (Paul) During conflict, we continually confront the choice to escalate or de-escalate

• Negative reciprocity and contempt in marital communication review by Dr. Gottman

18:00: (Paul) Perspective-taking is beneficial in negotiation because it helps to identify win-win solutions

• Why it pays to get Inside the head of your opponent study by Dr. Galinsky

• People expect generosity in negotiations with romantic partners study by Dr. Ramirez-Fernandez

20:50: (Paul) External, almost random, events can reverberate in a relationship across time

22:40: (Paul) Negative behaviors tend to be more powerful than positive behaviors

• Bad is stronger than good review by Dr. Baumeister

24:00: (Eli) Claiming the mantle of victimhood can be a power-play in relationships

• Victimhood: The most powerful force in morality and politics review by Dr. Gray

• Narcissistic people claim the mantle of virtuous victimhood study by Dr. Ok

• The psychology of competitive victimhood review by Dr. Noor

28:00: (Eli) Giving gifts can sometimes include elements of coercion

• Why certain gifts are great to give but not to get review by Dr. Galak

• Reflected appraisals from gifts study by Dr. Ashworth

30:00: (Paul) Essentialized beliefs about gender differences are linked to relationship difficulties

• Gender-essentialism and relationship maladjustment study by Dr. Eidelson

Misconceptions in the movie

31:30: (Paul) Parenthood is much more challenging than it appears in this movie

• The trauma of parenthood essay by Eli

33:45: (Eli) It’s hard to retain self-respect if our partner is treating us cruelly and doesn’t make amends

• The doormat effect study by Dr. Luchies

• Certain forms of criticism are tantamount to psychological abuse study by Dr. Straus

“Are we ok with this?”

40:00: (Paul) The advice that “the personal is the political” is risky for relationship well-being, but so is being oblivious to political realities

41:20: (Eli) Are the messages this trilogy sends about relationships likely to be helpful vs. harmful for viewers’ own relationships?

Relationship Quotes!

44:50: (Paul) It’s important to seize moments during conflict that can de-escalate

47:55: (Eli) What does “true love” look like?

What do we wish we knew?

48:45: (Paul) Is it productive to think of domestic labor discrepancies in terms of “social loafing”?

• Social loafing meta-analysis by Dr. Karau

50:20: (Eli) What is the right etiquette for re-litigating conflict?

Stars (1–5): The hosts rate the quality of the movie

Rusbults (1–5): The hosts rate the accuracy of the movie’s ideas about relationships

Music by Andrew Fraker and Sons

Artwork by Katie Keil

Subscribe at Apple, Spotify, or Episodes.fm

Hosted, produced, and edited by Paul Eastwick and Eli Finkel

Intro

1:20: (Eli) Who are the characters and couples?

2:40: (Paul) 1-minute plot recap

4:00: What is our relationship to this movie?

What the movie gets right

6:40: (Paul) Couples need to be able to adapt as the individual partners change over time

• The vulnerability–stress–adaptation model review by Dr. Karney

• Personal self-expansion study by Dr. Carswell

11:00: (Paul) Our “self” is different in our different relationships

• The relational self review by Dr. Chen

11:30: (Eli) We’re more likely to behave unethically when various aspects of our self are in conflict

• Low identity integration feels less authentic and increases unethicality study by Dr. Ebrahimi

15:00: (Paul) Women are penalized more than men for leading in an autocratic way

• Gender and the evaluation of leaders meta-analysis by Dr. Eagly

18:00: (Eli) We work harder and excel more when a task feels identity-relevant

• Identity-based motivation review by Dr. Oyserman

19:00: (Paul) We recoil when we think we might be moving toward our “feared self”

• Self-discrepancy and affect study by Dr. Carver

20:30: (Eli) Our friends are sometimes motivated to knock us down a notch if they think we’re becoming too full of ourselves

• Tall poppy syndrome review by Dr. Feathers

Misconceptions in the movie

20:00: (Paul) Couples who sustain this level of communication difficulty tend not to get a happily-ever-after

• Communication avoidance and relationship distress study by Dr. Christensen

26:25: (Eli) People who are especially threatened by a partner’s changes tend to have low self-concept clarity

• Self-concept clarity and partner change study by Dr. Emery

Expert Corner with Paige Harden

27:50: (Paige) This film arrived in an era of intense cultural discourse about whether/how women can “have it all” (captured a few years later in dueling books from high-powered women)

• Lean In book by Sheryl Sandberg

• Unfinished Business by Anne-Marie Slaughter

31:20: (Paige) Women feel pressure to dress appropriately at work

• Clothing judgments and gender stereotypes of professional women dissertation by Dr. Lower

“Are we ok with this?”

42:45: (Paul) The movie traffics in fatphobia (perhaps as a critique of the fashion industry, but still…)

43:15: (Paul) “No means yes” WT-actual-F?

43:40: (Paul) Does this sort of abusive leadership actually promote excellence?

44:55: (Eli) The movie has a delightful appreciation for the value of a professional work ethic

45:45: (Eli) How should we behave if we believe that our partner is losing their moral compass?

Relationship Quotes!

47:30: (Paul) Stanley Tucci conveying hard truths

• Regulatory effectiveness support study by Dr. Zee

49:30: (Eli) “The person whose calls you always take? That’s the relationship you’re in.”

50:10: (Paul) Meryl Streep delivers a sick burn.

What do we wish we knew?

50:50: (Paul) How should we support our friends’ professional growth?

52:10: (Eli) How should relationships adapt when one partner changes in a meaningful way?

Stars (1–5): The hosts rate the quality of the movie

Rusbults (1–5): The hosts rate the accuracy of the movie’s ideas about relationships

Music by Andrew Fraker and Sons

Artwork by Katie Keil

Subscribe at Apple, Spotify, or Episodes.fm

Hosted, produced, and edited by Paul Eastwick and Eli Finkel

Intro

1:20: (Eli) Who are the characters and couples?

2:20: (Paul) 1-minute plot recap

3:55: What is our relationship to this movie?

What the movie gets right

7:15: (Eli) Breakup can yield emotional carnage

• Understanding attachment, separation, loss, and recovery review by Dr. Sbarra

• Longing for ex-partners out of fear of being single study by Dr. Spielmann

• Complete narratives aid breakup recovery study by Dr. Kansky

10:35: (Paul) Short-term, casual relationships can’t fulfill human’s fundamental need to belong

• The need to belong review by Dr. Baumeister

12:05: (Eli) In communal relationships, we aren’t seeking strict reciprocity in response to our kindnesses

• Attraction in communal vs. exchange relationships study by Dr. Clark

14:05: (Paul) It’s not a great sign if we don’t know why we’re with our partner

• Listing more positive than negative qualities is easy study by Dr. Showers

• Thinking our partner has positive qualities is a good sign study by Paul

Misconceptions in the movie

15:35: (Paul) Men are every bit as interested in getting into a serious relationship as women are

• In 12^th grade, boys (more than girls) want to get married eventually study by Pew

• Romantic relationships matter more to men than to women review by Dr. Wahring

20:50: (Eli) It’s hard to have a good relationship if we’re not interested in learning about our partner

• Being a responsive partner requires that we be understanding, validating, and caring review by Dr. Reis

23:20: (Paul) There’s no compelling evidence that women trade looks for money

• The illusion of exchange in partner selection study by Dr. McClintock

Expert Corner with Vanessa Bohns

25:20: (Vanessa) It’s very rare for people to break off an engagement

• The social pressures that make us feel compelling to follow through on a commitment book by Vanessa

• Cold feet study by Dr. Lavner

29:10: (Vanessa) People can misattribute serious doubts as something more benign: cold feet

• Misattribution of arousal study by Dr. Schachter

33:40: (Vanessa) The grand romantic gesture in this movie—the airplane song—is a-ok (because it is in the service of atonement).

“Are we ok with this?”

38:20: (Eli) Lots of awkward punching down

39:40: (Paul) The movie normalizes sexual harassment

41:15: (Eli) The movie only passes the Bechdel test on a technicality

42:35: (Eli) Under what circumstances is it acceptable to ask a friend not to date somebody

• “Self-insight badge achieved”

Relationship Quotes!

46:55: (Paul) Van Halen gets jinxed

47:35: (Eli) On sex-partner inflation

• Changes in American adults’ sexual behavior and attitudes study by Dr. Twenge

What do we wish we knew?

49:05: (Paul) How can we best support a heartbroken friend?

50:10: (Eli) How often is a first kiss a total game-changer?

51:15: (Eli) It’s a minor (and beautiful) miracle that couples stay together across decades despite all of the changes they experience

Stars (1–5): The hosts rate the quality of the movie

Rusbults (1–5): The hosts rate the accuracy of the movie’s ideas about relationships

Music by Andrew Fraker and Sons

Artwork by Katie Keil

Subscribe at Apple, Spotify, or Episodes.fm

Hosted, produced, and edited by Paul Eastwick and Eli Finkel

Intro

1:10: (Eli) Who are the characters and couples?

2:30: (Paul) 1-minute plot recap

4:05: What is our relationship to this movie?

What the movie gets right

7:05: (Eli) Humans are motivated to help a “moral patient” who is being persecuted by a “moral agent”

• Dyadic morality review by Dr. Schein

• Empathy and helping review by Dr. Eisenberg

9:05: (Paul) People tend to be romantically attracted to potential partners who need their help

• Providing social support may be better than receiving it study by Dr. Brown

• Love me, because I rely on you study by Dr. Teng

14:35: (Eli) Nathan and Ava both exert power over Caleb, but they use different types of power

• One partner’s emotional withdrawal limits the other partner’s power study by Dr. Körner

20:20: (Paul) Reciprocal self-disclosure predicts interpersonal attraction

• Taking turns study by Dr. Sprecher

• The “fast friends” intervention study by Dr. Aron

23:50: (Paul) AI is more effective than humans at detecting when humans are lying

• Human lie detection review by Dr. Brennen

• AI lie detection study by Dr. Krishnamurthy

Misconceptions in the movie

26:05: (Eli) Cynicism isn’t a winning approach to the world

• The benefits of trusting others study by Dr. Rotter

• Trait hostility study by Dr. Cook

• Type A behavior, hostility, and coronary atherosclerosis study by Dr. Williams

29:30: (Paul) Virtually all of us desire meaningful human relationships

• The need to belong review by Dr. Baumeister

• Men turn to their partner for social support more than women do review by Dr. Wahring

• Men like partners who are intelligent, and funny, and supportive study by Paul

“Are we ok with this?”

31:00: (Paul) It only takes one psychopathic billionaire to do profound damage to civilization

32:45: (Eli) Perhaps oppressed peoples scaffold resistance across generations

34:50: (Paul) How can we design intimate AI technology that benefits rather than harms humanity?

41:30: (Paul) Can we trust for-profit corporations to be deeply embedded in our intimate lives?

Relationship Quotes!

42:30: (Eli) Can AI be sentient, and what are the moral implications of that possibility?

43:45: (Paul) To fall in love with an AI, most of us would have to believe that they chose us freely

What do we wish we knew?

44:50: (Paul) How likely are we to fall for a given person, contingent on how many other options there are?

46:20: (Eli) Do the beneficial relationship effects of dancing depend on believing that the partner has free will?

48:10: (Paul) Which studies should relationship scientists run to maximize the odds that the intimate AI society creates is beneficial?

• Can chatbots simulate human connection? review by Dr. Smith

Stars (1–5): The hosts rate the quality of the movie

Rusbults (1–5): The hosts rate the accuracy of the movie’s ideas about relationships

Music by Andrew Fraker and Sons

Artwork by Katie Keil

Subscribe at Apple, Spotify, or Episodes.fm

Hosted, produced, and edited by Paul Eastwick and Eli Finkel

Intro

1:05: (Eli) Who are the characters and couples?

2:15: (Paul) 1-minute plot recap

3:25: What is our relationship to this movie?

What the movie gets right

5:50: (Paul) Traveling together is beneficial for relationships

• Vacations and romantic passion and intimacy study by Dr. Coffey

7:20: (Eli) Traveling helps us learn about ourselves

• Transformative tourism experiences review by Dr. Teoh

• The multiple self-aspects framework review by Dr. McConnell

10:30: (Paul) Opposite personalities do not repel each other

• Mismatching on conscientiousness/openness is irrelevant to attraction study by Dr. Humberg

14:40: (Eli) Couples develop idiosyncratic moral codes for their relationship

• Relationships as microcultures analysis from Eli

17:25: (Paul) Even today, most romantic relationships begin as friendships

• The friends-to-lovers pathway to romance study by Dr. Stinson

• Bonded By Evolution book by Paul

19:25: (Eli) People aren’t great at forecasting how their goals and priorities will change over time

• Affective forecasting review by Dr. Gilbert

Misconceptions in the movie

23:25: (Eli) The movie implies that people can have certainty about their emotional future

• Stumbling on Happiness book by Dr. Gilbert

24:45: (Paul) It’s extremely rare for friends to sustain romantic interest for years without acting on it

• Relationship development dynamics study by Paul

27:40: (Paul) Sacrifice is required for relationship success

• Sacrifice and relationship satisfaction study by Dr. Van Lange

32:05: (Eli) This movie leans strongly into the trope that “love conquers all”

33:20: (Paul) There’s not much evidence that people can have “too much” of a beneficial personality trait

• No evidence of a curvilinear relation between conscientiousness and relationship quality study by Dr. Nickel

36:50: (Eli) The film gives the false impression that conversations with strangers tend to be unpleasant

• Mistakenly seeking solitude study by Dr. Epley

• Pleasant conversations are preceded by concerns about starting one study by Dr. Schroeder

“Are we ok with this?”

38:45: (Paul) How do dual-career couples decide whose career to prioritize vis-à-vis where to settle down?

40:55: (Eli) The lead characters procured gifts from strangers under false pretenses

Relationship Quotes!

43:30: (Paul) On wishing that our partner’s other-gender friends would just go away

45:30: (Eli) Being with a loved-one can feel like “home,” regardless of where you are

What do we wish we knew?

46:40: (Paul) What are the best ways to be a “wingman”?

48:10: (Eli) How can we tell, in real time, whether we’re making a sacrifice vs. settling?

49:35: (Paul) Does pretending to be a couple make people more attracted to each other?

49:55: (Eli) Does being stuck in physical proximity help people overcome an initial negative impression?

Stars (1–5): The hosts rate the quality of the movie

Rusbults (1–5): The hosts rate the accuracy of the movie’s ideas about relationships

Music by Andrew Fraker and Sons

Artwork by Katie Keil

Subscribe at Apple, Spotify, or Episodes.fm

Hosted, produced, and edited by Paul Eastwick and Eli Finkel

Intro

1:35: (Eli) Who are the characters and couples?

2:35: (Paul) 1-minute plot recap

3:50: What is our relationship to this movie?

What the movie gets right

7:15: (Eli) People who commit moral transgressions frequently believe they’re doing so from a place of virtue

• Virtuous Violence book by Dr. Rai

• Evil book by Dr. Baumeister

• Cognitive dissonance reduction among perpetrators of infidelity study by Dr. Alexopoulos

10:35: (Paul) We see some excellent portrayals of flirting

• Playing (selectively!) hard to get study by Dr. Walster

• Selective versus unselective romantic desire study by Paul

• Using humor signals interest in the partner study by Dr. Li

12:50: (Eli) Feeling guilty make us want to “make it up to” our partner

• The social psychology of guilt review by Dr. Baumeister

15:00: (Paul) Most stalking behavior happens between people who know each other

• The progression of stalking study by Dr. Mumm

Misconceptions in the movie

17:15: (Paul) It’s extremely rare for stalking to involve behaviors this extreme

• Prevalence of obsessive relational intrusion behaviors review by Dr. Spitzberg

19:15: (Eli) External events can harm a relationship—even if both people try hard

• External stress and marital quality study by Dr. Neff

21:30: (Paul) Dan shows essentially none of the risk factors for infidelity—but he commits it anyway

• Narcissism and infidelity study by Dr. McNulty

• Infidelity and dating relationships study by Dr. Varma

• Men are a little bit more likely to cheat than women are meta-analysis by Dr. Petersen

• Cuckolded fathers are rare (~1%) in human populations study by Dr. Maarten

26:10: (Paul) Committed people derogate romantic alternatives before the threat gets strong

• Resisting temptation study by Dr. Johnson

• Inattentive and contented study by Dr. Miller

28:00: (Eli) People tend not to cover this quickly from infidelity

• Couple healing from infidelity study by Dr. Fife

• Getting Past the Affair book by Dr. Snyder

29:25: (Paul) The film conflates two different forms of intimate partner violence

• Two forms of intimate partner violence review by Dr. Johnson

“Are we ok with this?”

31:50: (Eli) This film is egregiously antifeminist

Expert Corner with Paige Harden

34:25: (Paige) People judge others’ behavior more harshly when the primary causes of the behavior derive from the person rather than the situation

• Original Sin book by Paige

41:10: (Paige) Alex seems to have (extreme) borderline personality disorder, and her behavior at the end is the impulsive aggression that sometimes accompanies it

49:00: (Paige) A lust for cruelty exists as part of human nature

51:30: (Eli) The movie took an interesting character study of a person unraveling psychologically and warped it into a simple fable about evil

Relationship Quotes!

52:40: (Paul) When we get enraged or threatened, our attempts at kindness can sour into cruelty

What do we wish we knew?

53:55: (Eli) Under what circumstances do we tell others they have food on their face—and when is doing so appreciated?

54:45: (Paul) Is self-effacing humor effective?

55:50: (Eli) How do people decide whether or how to tell their partner they’ve had an affair?

Stars (1–5): The hosts rate the quality of the movie

Rusbults (1–5): The hosts rate the accuracy of the movie’s ideas about relationships

Music by Andrew Fraker and Sons

Artwork by Katie Keil

Subscribe at Apple, Spotify, or Episodes.fm

Hosted, produced, and edited by Paul Eastwick and Eli Finkel

Intro

1:15: (Eli) Who are the characters and couples?

2:35: (Paul) 1-minute plot recap

3:50: What is our relationship to this movie?

What the movie gets right

6:40: (Eli) Romantic love is sustained by positive illusions

• The benefits of positive illusions study by Dr. Murray

• Reality and illusion in intimate relationships review by Dr. Fletcher

8:40: (Paul) The experience of passionate love appears to be a cross-cultural universal

• A cross-cultural perspective on romantic love study by Dr. Jankowiak

11:15: (Paul) When experiencing passionate love, the craving for emotional reciprocation is stronger than the craving for sexual consummation

• Love and limerence book by Dr. Tennov

11:55: (Eli) Language can’t reliably soothe love anxiety; actions matter more

• Trust and diagnostic situations review by Dr. Holmes

14:00: (Paul) Dissimilarity in political partisanship has a tiny effect on relationship quality

• The role of political dissimilarity in romantic relationships study by Dr. Gordon

• Partisanship is often invisible in attraction settings study by Dr. De Jong

• Rejecting unsuitable suitors is hard study by Dr. Joel

• When the nobility marries commoners study by Dr. Goñi

18:45: (Eli) Honor culture and aggression

• Insult, aggression, and the southern culture of honor study by Dr. Cohen

• Precarious manhood and aggression review by Dr. Bosson

  ---

Expert Corner with Donovan Sherman

22:25: (Donovan) Luhrmann’s interpretation of the balcony scene is brilliant

• The creative use of water analysis by Dr. Lehman

• Defying the stars analysis by Dr. Kottman

• Fat Ham analysis by Dr. Sherman

• Early modern stoicism book by Dr. Sherman

  ---

Misconceptions in the movie

33:45: (Paul) It’s extremely rare for arranged marriages to happen without the consent of the spouses

• Marital quality in arranged and couple-initiated marriages study by Dr. Flicker

39:20: (Eli) Love at first sight is rare

• Graph of relationships over time, split by intensity of initial feelings

40:15: (Paul) Heartbreak is linked to the intrusion of old memories; Romeo and Juliet have none

• Frequency of memories of the partner predicts breakup distress study by Dr. del Palacio-Gonzalez

“Are we ok with this?”

40:20: (Eli) Luhrmann offers a compelling critique of the hollowness and corruption of 1990s America

43:10: (Paul) Romeo places the apothecary into a morally hazardous situation

44:15: (Eli) High-profile suicides tend to inspire copycat suicides

Relationship Quotes!

45:35: (Paul) On the pleasure of reveries

46:40: (Eli) On turning misery into constructive microculture

47:15: (Eli) On the importance of separating the peripheral from the central aspects of identity

What do we wish we knew?

48:35: (Paul) What does time dilation feel like, and how is it modulated by passionate love

• Having fun while time flies study by Dr. Sackett

49:30: (Eli) Under what circumstances are we able to force ourselves to fall out of love?

51:20: (Eli) To what extent does societal acceptance of nonmartial sex protect people from making ill-conceived marriage decisions?

Stars (1–5): The hosts rate the quality of the movie

Rusbults (1–5): The hosts rate the accuracy of the movie’s ideas about relationships

Music by Andrew Fraker and Sons

Artwork by Katie Keil

Subscribe at Apple, Spotify, or Episodes.fm

Hosted, produced, and edited by Paul Eastwick and Eli Finkel

Intro

1:15: (Eli) Who are the characters and couples?

2:50: (Paul) 1-minute plot recap

4:10: What is our relationship to this movie?

What the movie gets right

6:00: (Paul) We tend to fall for people who live near us

• The friends-to-lovers pathway study by Dr. Stinson

• Classroom proximity and friendship study by Dr. Back

• Neighbor proximity and attraction study by Dr. Festinger

8:45: (Eli) Relationships benefit when we feel authentically seen

• The All-Or-Nothing Marriage book by Eli

• The Michelangelo effect review by Dr. Rusbult

13:00: (Paul) Relationship partners can serve as each other’s secure base

• Responsive support in a virtual world study by Dr. Kane

15:15: (Eli) It’s hard to be a supportive partner when we’re unsure of our own identity

• Low self-concept clarity and lack of support for partner change study by Dr. Emery

17:30: (Eli) People who feel entitled tend to hold grudges

• Too proud to let go study by Dr. Exline

22:30: (Paul) Women bear social costs for being assertive

• Status incongruity and backlash effects study by Dr. Rudman

• Women are disliked when explicitly expressing dominance meta-analysis by Dr. Williams

25:55: Playfulness and relationship well-being

• Young at heart study by Dr. Van Vleet

• In defense of teasing essay by Dr. Keltner

Misconceptions in the movie

27:45: (Paul) Breaking up is typically an arduous, lengthy process

• On staying for the sake of the romantic partner study by Dr. Joel

• Progression bias review by Dr. Joel

31:40: (Paul) More attractive people aren’t more likely to be unfaithful

• Extrapair sex study by Dr. Gangestad

“Are we ok with this?”

34:45: (Eli) The movie offers a perfect illustration of structural inequality

36:30: (Paul) This is a cool version of a grand romantic gesture

36:55: (Eli) This is a slut-shaming movie

37:45: (Eli) When, if ever, is it acceptable to spy on our partner?

Relationship Quotes!

40:45: (Paul) Paying close attention is hot

42:10: (Eli) Love arrives when competition ends

• Competition and cooperation theories in relationship science review by Dr. Durante

What do we wish we knew?

45:15: (Paul) Are there some extreme contexts, such as playing for the NBA, that make others chase you for the $?

47:15: (Eli) If you’re going date your best friend, what are the odds things end well vs. very badly?

Stars (1–5): The hosts rate the quality of the movie

Rusbults (1–5): The hosts rate the accuracy of the movie’s ideas about relationships

Music by Andrew Fraker and Sons

Artwork by Katie Keil

In this episode, they pick apart two central concepts in evolutionary psychology: gender differences and mate value. Paul and Eli discuss how men and women don’t actually differ in what they want in a partner, where gender differences in the sex drive appear larger vs. smaller, and why mate value matters a lot less than you think. Plus: Can evolutionary psychologists - and their critics - find better ways of talking the practical implications of a biological discovery?

Book plate gift with preorder: US Residents, 18+. Ends February 10, 2025. See terms at prh.com/lovefactually.

Subscribe at Apple, Spotify, or Episodes.fm

Hosted, produced, and edited by Paul Eastwick and Eli Finkel

Music by Andrew Fraker and Sons

Artwork by Katie Keil

Subscribe at Apple, Spotify, or Episodes.fm

Hosted, produced, and edited by Paul Eastwick and Eli Finkel

Intro

1:20: (Eli) Who are the characters and couples?

2:30: (Paul) 1-minute plot recap

3:50: What is our relationship to this movie?

What the movie gets right

6:45: (Eli) It’s devastating to feel like our loved-ones would be better off without us

• We need to feel competent in our relationship review by Dr. La Guardia

• The risk of suicide is especially high when people feel like a burden book by Dr. Joiner

10:40: (Paul) The dynamics of interpersonal attraction and falling in love

• Listening and responsiveness is key review by Dr. Sprecher

• Rituals and romantic connection study by Dr. Garcia-Rada

13:45: (Eli) It’s hard to sustain close relationships without allowing oneself to be vulnerable

• Dependence regulation review by Dr. Murray

• Responsive reactions to a partner’s vulnerable disclosures review by Dr. Reis

• Vulnerable disclosures and intimacy study by Dr. Khalifian

• The costs of stoic masculinity study by Dr. Martin

16:50: (Eli) Couples can get stuck in dysfunctional patterns

• Rigid patterns in couples and families book by Dr. Bowen

• It’s difficult to stay compatible as partners change book by Eli

20:05: (Paul) For somebody struggling with alcoholism, the partner’s drinking behavior matters

• Romantic partners influence each other’s heavy episodic drinking study by Dr. Bartel

Misconceptions in the movie

21:35: (Paul) Sacrifice needs to be necessary to be compelling

• Male sacrifice in “A Star Is Born” essay by Manohla Dargis

24:25: (Eli) Relationship partners can usually renegotiate their roles

25:00: (Paul) The average man is just fine when his partner outshines him

• The “gender cliff” is a statistical artifact study by Dr. Grow

27:30: (Paul) Ally probably wouldn’t have put up with Jackson’s borderline-abusive treatment

• Conflict predicts breakup meta-analysis by Dr. Le

“Are we ok with this?”

30:15: (Paul) This version of the film removes the idea that it’s shameful for a man to be with a more successful woman

31:05: (Paul) This version nonetheless contains the heteropessimistic idea that male-female relationships are fraught and zero-sum

33:25: (Eli) Ally deserves a different ending than “Don’t wanna feel another touch / … / Won’t even let the sunlight in”

Relationship Quotes!

35:40: (Paul) Artists (and relationships) achieve virtually infinite innovation with only 12 notes

36:45: (Eli) We can’t plan our romantic life in advance, but we can savor the good times if we get them

37:30: (Paul) Even early on, we can cherish little secrets together

What do we wish we knew?

39:00: (Eli) When, if ever, should we tell our partner generous lies?

40:40: (Paul) How do couples pick up on each other’s subtle nonverbals?

• Nonverbal communication accuracy in married couples study by Dr. Sabatelli

Stars (1–5): The hosts rate the quality of the movie

Rusbults (1–5): The hosts rate the accuracy of the movie’s ideas about relationships

Music by Andrew Fraker and Sons

Artwork by Katie Keil