To be completely transparent I’ve been really living and learning. There’s been a lot of change over the last few months and I want to move over to sharing music based updates on patreon, as well as starting a mailing list.

I do however want to stay writing on Substack because I love it! Maybe the content will change and I can discuss topics I’ve been ruminating over instead of making it so personal to what becomes the most recent existential revelation I’ve sat pondering over lol.

Here’s a list of things I think about a lot at the moment-

-The skinny epidemic

-How insignificant everyone is and the paradox of how amazing and yet irrelevant that makes the human experience

-The evolution of marketing and the way social media has completed taken and transformed what advertising all types of products looks like

-My conclusion that all of Western civilisations problems are summarised in high street gambling shops and magazine isles

-Being starved of creativity and drowned by over consumerism

-Wanting to make everything from scratch (clothes, food etc) and really cut ultra processed food completely out- no cheat days

-ADHD to medicate or not to medicate

-Stripy socks

-Being exposed to the sun without sun cream there has to be some good in that my Grandma is Croatian and she is wrinkle free

these are all random and from the top of my head sat here having spent the last 7 hours on a beach in the Channel Isles. Even simply breathing by a beach honestly always feels like real life heaven and I know I will carry the bliss of the five short days I’ve had getting to finish a book and not speak to anyone, just existing. It’s something that my busy London persona I’m sure will often savour back to, like a meal you once enjoyed so much that even the mention of it enables you to taste what it was like and your mouth starts to water.

Anyway I’ll be back with an article before you know it. I’m alive and well and tanned. Life is good.

Speak soon <3

Loxie

My outgoing nature has created many opportunities and friendships but it has also gifted me the label of being ‘over-baring’ and ‘too much’.

It’s also a quality I’ve reflected on when I try and hold myself accountable for always feeling the need to overshare and over explain myself.

As is true with so many things your most celebrated strength is usually the first thing to be held against you. I don’t know whether that’s because being really good at anything threatens people, and as humans we are naturally competitive and selective.

As women we are taught to apologise and that we are usually always wrong, and if we are right we should probably check first. I can think of a lot of men who I would consider ‘over-baring’ and I can guarantee they don’t stay up at night feeling guilty about it, using it as a reason to dissect and scrutinise there entire personality.

I often consider myself too self aware. It’s like I can see the impact the words I’m speaking are about to have and I’m already analysing them before they’ve fully left my mouth.

Even typing this I’m considering how this is too wordy and no one is going to care or should bother reading. Because what valid thing have I got to say that you haven’t already heard, probably from someone more qualified.

But if that’s what everyone thought then surely the world would lack so much intellectual diversity and depth. No one would challenge anyone. Even the act of telling me my writing is subjectively rubbish makes me reflect on why my writing might make someone feel that way, and then if I want to do better challenges me to do whatever the opposite of that is.

There is a fine line within recognising an important quality within who you are and then ensuring you don’t make that what defines you, good or bad. For example I’m a songwriter but that isn’t all of me. I am a sister and a singer and woman and a friend. I am outgoing but I’m also shy. I am self aware but also self critical. I am kind but sometimes judgemental.

I think you can be lots of different types of things that directly contradicts each other and maybe the best humans are. Beautifully complicated. I also think that’s what you love in people. You love all of them. You don’t love someone because they’re black and white, you love them because they are technicolour.

I guess I’m writing this to say it’s okay to be a lot and then also not feel like enough. It’s okay to be rude and then polite. Becoming who you want to be is about recognising how you act or react and deciding whether that’s the sort of person you feel you are, and if it is, not feeling the need to apologise for it (especially as women).

I am messy because life is messy and that’s okay. I love the fact I talk too much but I also recognise that it’s not always valuable, and sometimes makes me come across dominant in situations where there is more value in staying quiet.

Life has this optimistic feeling in the air. I’m trying to embrace it and take hold of it, because I feel this is the beginning of something exciting. I don’t know what that is, but I reckon that’s becoming the best part.

I have a lot of London based gigs coming up (including a FREE headline13th JUNE FREE LONDON SHOW) here are some dates if you want to see what all the fuss is about-

7th MayLive on the bus

14th May

1st JuneCavendish Arms Charity gig

13th JuneHEADLINE Finsbury Park

26th June BRIGHTNIGHTS FREE ENTRY GIG

11th AugustSyncrinox showcase (next door records)

5th Sept TONTINE FOLK FESTIVAL (Folkestone)

I also wanted to include some music I’ve been listening to as I’ve had my headphones ON the past few weeks-

Beta Paradox by yeemz (single)

Gloria by seegz (single)

mud on my superstars (album)

songs by Adrianne Lenker (album)

Cruel World by Holly Humberstone (album)

Drop dead by Olivia Rodrigo (single)

Say Something Kind To Me Again by Sydney Ross Mitchell (single)

My Favourite Book Is One I've Read A Bunch by Dermot Henry (singles)

System Malfunction by Holly Wilks (EP)

The Great Divide by Noah Kahan (album)

Pale Blue Eyes by Sydney Ross Mitchell (single)

This Is What You Get by Kate Stephenson (album)

One More Cowboy by Jensen McRae (singles)

Pennsylvania by May Payne (single)

Ascend by Felicity Henry (single)

Plus if anyone is interested I make merch, which as an independent artist is the only way I make money (and I’m talking about a few pounds). I made it all myself and it’s very comfy and cool and high quality-

LOXIE T-shirts!!!!!

I’m also starting a new Substack where I post lyrics/ poems/ concepts, basically songwriting inspiration if you did want to help support my music paying one coffee a month would go a hugeee way!!!!

NEW and EXCLUSIVE Substack

I’m spending some time back in the countryside away from London which was needed. I’m excited to have a big week socially and musically.

ITS MAY!!!!! My favourite month. enjoy the freshly cut grass (sorry hayfever sufferers), smile at a stranger and see you next week!!!!

Loxie <3

I had been reflecting anyway about all these cool things that are beginning to appear. Even just living in London sometimes I’m like wow, I’m here, this is what I wanted for so long and now I’m living it.

But the truth is these great parts of my normality didn’t just land in my lap, they were long extended times of laying the foundation for what I wanted.

I have always tried to live by fortune favours the brave. I reflect whether I will look back on a moment and regret a choice I didn’t make. If I think I will, I push myself to do it anyway. My favourite personal philosophy is you will always end up falling asleep alone in your bed at the end of the day. No one will be staring at you. No thought that someone might be having about you will be facing you, and so truly in those moments where you feel a bit uncomfortable it doesn’t really matter.

That grounds me to be brave. Ask questions, send the message, who cares. I know you hear people preaching this all the time yada yada. But in listening to this Podcast episode and having several friends remark on my ability to live in this way, it really got me thinking how this mindset has been my superpower in the architecture of my life.

Last year I went to a Carol Ades concert (if you don’t know who that is here’s a link to her album she’s amazingLate Start by Carol). In the audience I recognised someone who I’d seen online making really cool music Tiktoks, I had several sitting in a folder. I was with my friend Katy and even though I knew her name I began to doubt whether I was right or whether I looked stupid. Before I had time to chicken out I walked straight up to her.

“are you Jas?” “yes I am”.

Asking Jas to get a coffee and chat music quite literally changed my entire life.

Without taking that chance I never would of met Caitlin one of my closest friends. I wouldn’t have gone to watch Jas perform and then be introduced to the drummer who has produced my next single for me. I wouldn’t have discovered an entire network of musicians that give me faith that I’m doing something legitimate. I would have a fraction of memories I now hold extremely dearly, and lets face it I would definitely not be sat here in a flat in London.

Jas said to me when I saw her this week that this quality is something she’s always admired in me. I don’t really think of it as this crazy defining part of who I am, in reflection it is the only thing I can always count on about myself which I know will help me to become successful. But also greater than that it enables me to live a fulfilled life full of all kinds of different people.

If you find the idea of putting yourself out there in t

his way daunting, here are some small things I challenge you to do which I always try and practice:

I always always speak to the person I’m sat next to on a flight (don’t yap at them on a 10 hour long haul, maybe just have small pieces of casual conversation). In doing this I have met several fascinating older ladies who told me amazing stories of their lives. I also met a very sweet model from Chicago who I still keep in touch with regularly, and who I’m sure I will see next time she’s in London.

If you see someone doing something cool, or wearing an outfit you like tell them. The amount of clothes I have gathered from talking to people about what they are wearing is actually crazy. My favourite joggers are from a girl I sat opposite on the tube from two years ago. I also went up to a girl who was sketching in a hostel, she radiated cool. Two years later and we text regularly, I trust one day I’ll get time to visit her in Denmark.

If you want something don’t be afraid to ask for it. It’s scary putting yourself out there I get it. But also if you don’t ask you definitely won’t get. Yes there are times where coincidences or fortune puts us in a good position but I don’t trust chance. If I believe in something I’m writing, or there’s a person I want to ask questions to, or an opportunity I aspire to have. Literally just ask for it.

Also if you fancy someone send the message cause who cares. Yes you can play the mysterious cool girl, but they might never catch on. Or you can get to the point, put yourself out there (without being too intense) and see if they’re interested, and if they aren’t great now you know.

Living like this can be magical and I wanted to inspire at least one person to speak to a stranger and make themselves feel slightly uncomfortable to see what can happen when you’re brave. If that was you hellooo, well done!! proud of you <3

A very busy lock-in week for Loxie. Being an independent artist when you’re trying to release new stuff as well as be on it with content plus working and also just living life is harddd. But it’s good and exciting too and my mindset feels pretty good.

I’ve been listening to a lot of new music. Loving Olivia Rodrigo’s ‘Drop Dead’ of course. I have also been listening to ‘mud on my superstars’ by Keni Titus. It randomly came up on my recommended and I cannot stop listening to it.

The sun has been OUT. Life is good.

Hope you’re feeling brave on this fine Tuesday (for me),

Loxie <3

It did however not always feel this way.

I had the classic school experience of being part of large girl clique friendship groups. Accept, I wasn’t as much a part of the clique as I was clinging onto it with dear life. Always the one there wasn’t enough numbers to be invited to the birthday party. Always the slightly inconvenient, I guess you get to know, love deprived, friend of the girl boys bothered to speak to friend.

I definitely spent years upon years of my life feeling that friendship was a puzzle I couldn’t conquer. Being friendless became a part of my identity.

That’s not to say I didn’t have friends because I did and they were good people (and still are) it’s just that friendship had a different meaning.

Life sort of drowns you like a wave sometimes which is confusing and difficult and all of a sudden you start to realise that certain relationships stuck and blossomed. The one or two friendships you could never properly prioritise at school you suddenly have room for, and the more time that passes and life experienced the more essential they become to the ecosystem that forms your adulthood.

Also the funny thing about getting older (stated from the wild old age of 21), is that you start to make friends in an abundance of different places. I have formed more close and genuine platonic friendships in the last two years than I have in my entire life combined.

When you are in a warped reality of feeling like you don’t fit into a mould of meeting the expectations of people around you, you cannot fathom how a version of your life exists where people see you and love you for all of who you are. Speaking from experience this version of life doesn’t cross your mind, you exist in a world of accepting being chronically disappointed and hyper independent is just what life looks like.

You are wrong. So many beautifully fulfilling relationships are waiting for you to come and grab them. They are also going to grab you and hold you whilst you cry and call you when you’re drunk. They will know you and choose you and trust you.

I am a living example that this is going to happen, life has a plan you just have to trust it long enough to see where it will lead.

My life really feels as if it’s starting to take form. Which is so very exciting but also extremely scary. Getting to a stage where you can physically feel everything taking shape and you’re finally ready to jump into change is obviously amazing.

But equally it’s a lot of new things to navigate and that isn’t going to always feel fun and easy.

Nonetheless I have gigs galore, I started my new cafe job, I have a song coming out, a crush remains on my favourite man I’ve ever met.

I’ve spent all day texting and chatting with a few of the girls that inspired this post. I hope you’re following along on all my other socials so you can see how all of these thoughts take musical songwriting form.

Thank you for reading as always you are gorgeous and amazing and I’ll be your best friend,

Loxie <3

Whilst there are a multitude of core memories or important documents within this compound of a digital life I’ve unwillingly created. There is also a whole load of crap.

The average screen time of an adult is around 7.5 hours per day. Well if you do the maths (very roughly) you’re looking at around 36,000 hours on my phone in the last 13 years. Yes thats a horrible number and no this is not an anti screens post.

My point is that the amount of stuff you download or photos you take or songs you listen too on your phone compounds, and suddenly you find yourself frustratingly transferring everything over to an external hard drive. Which leads you to deleting 800GB of downloads because you need the storage and oh wait it didn’t transfer over and now they are permanently deleted.

Where I once would of shed a single tear and felt the need to take myself out on a rage walk. I just thought eh who cares I need the storage and quite frankly there is nothing so digitally important that I can’t somehow scrape back. Yes its frustrating but no one has died and It’s done.

Yesterday I almost missed the train. I’m talking pulled up in the car, train was already there. Had to drag two bags and a suitcase up the stairs and across two platforms. As my mum pulled me up onto the entrance to the platform I was having some kind of stress attack. She just said, worst case you get the next train, no big deal it’s fine. Running over the bridge I thought my shoulder was about to drop off and then I took a second, slowed down and thought- actually what if I do miss the train will my life end no, will it be frustrating of course it will but If I miss it I miss it, and truly, really it’s not that deep.

Luckily the ticket warden was still on the platform and I yelled down to him as he smiled back and said “don’t worry we’ll wait”.

I feel that both of these examples there is a lesson that I want to try and bring with me throughout life. What is the worst thing that could possibly happen? He doesn’t text you back, you don’t get that job you wanted, you miss your flight. Yes it’s very annoying (I had just finished editing a huge youtube video that I was about to upload which has now been erased). But it’s done. It’s out of your control and you’re still going to survive to conquer another minor inconvenience another day.

Life is still so good. Spring is upon us and thank goodness me. I went home for a few days and it was much needed countryside air. However I have been so busy In London it’s been great.

It’s often very hard for me to take a step back and take the pressure off myself, I do think this is an important quality and it drives me to always keep pushing myself. However I want to try and keep reminding myself that I’m doing great and the world isn’t going to end if I can’t meet a deadline. Also it’s important to laugh. Laugh when you trip over or wipe your laptop or make a terrifyingly huge error. Because it’s all going to sort out and it’s never the end of the world.

I hope everyone is enjoying their weeks, had a great Easter, and has bought themselves some Tulips. Tulips, Lilies and Sunflowers are my dream bouquet incase you were wondering.

Catch up next week.

Loxie <3

During the pandemic I would sit up on the hay bails and say a little prayer. One to wish the world would get better and some to ask the universe to always guide me. I truly believe in Spirituality even though I am not religious. I don’t understand how you can exist in a world so complex and think it’s all some sort of lucky accident.

My sense of self has always been strong and I used to love returning to this spot as a sort of verbal reminder that, whatever is meant to happen will and the universe has got me covered.

Flash forward exam seasons and big trips away. Relationships ending, friendships blossoming, family life growing more complicated, and I spent less and less time returning to my spot.

I have felt for so long that maybe my existence was slightly less complex than I gave it credit for. Maybe I am sort of destined for nothing, and my long standing relationship with everything happens for a reason became increasingly stressed and difficult to maintain.

But now I live in London. I cycle the parks that I used to drag an overnight bag through. I talk about my ambitions as tangible goals that the people I surround myself with understand. I wake up and every day is a good day!!!!

I really cannot emphasise enough how long the eternal winter of the last two years (nearly three) has felt. I really couldn’t understand what was happening. I was lost and overwhelmed. Time seemed to slip through my fingertips and I used to curse the universe out. I would cry alone in my car. A lot. Usually to loud emotionally cathartic music.

But all that time spent desperate for change had to happen because not only have I grown into the person I am now because of the resilience I built. But also because I am so hyper aware of the gratitude I have for where I am at now. My life has become my vision board and there was nothing I wasn’t ready for.

Life is always going to evolve and things are always going to be challenging. I have to leave this flat in less than 5 months and unless I find a job in the next week I will be bankrupt. But it’s okay because I get it now. Everything DOES happen for a reason.

So I am here to offer a reminder that life is so cool. Keep on keeping on, and everything is going to sort itself out. Easy peasy lemon squeezy. Proud of you.

Life is so good guys. Yes there is a lot up in the air but I’m so excited for the Summer and new music and new friends and lots of gigs!!

I have been listening to RAYEs album on repeat (I know you’re hurting- Raye are you trying to kill me off). It’s magical and has made me cry several times. I’m loving the gym again and running surprisingly, I thought that ship had sailed but no I am really enjoying it.

I have a crush LOL which is so rouge for the chronically single girl that is me. But I can feel the good material brewing.

I was in the studio, I’ve met so many friends. I got caught in a rainstorm which just made me laugh and skip through the puddles, whereas a month ago that may have tipped me over the edge. I’ve cooked lots of great food.

To be honest stay tuned because I’m going to be writing as much as I possibly can I have so much to write about. I’m so excited to give back to the people that like my music and have an interest in what I have to say. If that’s you hello!! I see you, you’re amazing and you’re going to change my life.

I hope everyone is having a fabulous week even if it is extremely cold like it is here haha.

Catch up soon!

Loxie <3

I didn’t feel sad leaving home, maybe because my nervous system has grown well adapted to a constant flow of change. Partly also I think because I know this was the right next step for me and it just felt like a natural progression to the direction my life was already moving in.

I did however feel apprehensive and not particularly excited. Which people clearly were confused by. “I bet you can’t wait!!” they’d grin at me, whilst I tried to gather a reason why I didn’t agree.

Somehow I have stumbled into a deal of living alone. Which is a complete privilege, one that anyone flat sharing I’m sure probably yearns for. Obviously however for someone officially moving out for the first time the one emotion that I am guaranteed to feel is lonely.

This is a feeling I really dislike. You would presume that know one particularly enjoys feeling lonely. But I of all people have spent a lot, a lot of time alone. I’d argue I actually love it. I never went to uni and I’ve got on two separate flights across the world on my own with no real idea of what lay in front of me. I haven’t been in a relationship since I was 18. I have a lot of incredible friends but we all live in completely different places. I’ve spent the best part of 3 years basically being to some degree slightly lonely.

Loneliness has become an old pal.

So why am I scared of it?

This feels slightly different because there is a lot more on the line. It’s important I utilise my time alone to actually get things done and fulfil the whole purpose of being here.

Also there is no real timeline and I am currently jobless which in itself is a very weird feeling. To look out onto the streets at 2pm desolated whilst I make a tea and record a Tiktok.

It feels weird.

However I think it’s okay to feel weird and I think it’s important to sit in this time with your thoughts and boredom to learn from them. My greatest lessons have come from the situations I’ve navigated alone.

We live in a world with a constant flow of stimuli. If you feel sad and lonely then you just facetime a friend or watch a youtube video or in my case stick on the Kardashians. But I do think giving your thoughts the space to understand them is something that so many people don’t understand how to do.

It’s normal to find change hard and it’s okay to not be excited anticipating that you’ll feel that way.

In my case my time in solitude can be put to good use in so many ways, meeting people for coffees, writing, finally getting through the mammoth pile of admin that I have had no brain space to process. It’s okay not to have a billion plans and everything sorted. Chaos is what I’m used to and sometimes the opposite of that feels hard. I’m so used to being in a busy household and working lots and going to London on my days off and travelling and seeing my friends and going to the gym.

So actually take that all away and give me a fresh start and I feel lazy. But that isn’t real laziness instead its time. Time to breathe and begin the next phase of my life, which I so deserve and have been building towards for so long.

My message is that sometimes change is challenging not because it isn’t right but because it’s hard. The best things come from difficulty and no one ever became a Popstar from feeling comfortable.

I have absolutely no idea what the next few months hold but I’m excited to find out and not resent myself for allowing the space and time to learn what that looks like in the process.

I am so proud of myself.

I don’t say it a lot but I am. I have been the cat who has lived 9 lives and it has been hard and horrible and confusing.

But I’m finally in a position I have hoped for and worked towards for so long and that’s amazing and something to be proud of.

I think that’s why I am not sad because even though I’m scared of finding it hard, I am so sure it’s the right thing and I’m so excited for the journey.

I have a gig tonight and even practising my songs felt glorious. I am obviously nervous, mostly because the period of doing much more gigging I did last year really hurt my soul, I was not enjoying it and felt like it made me look shit. lol. But I’m about to start up again and this time really try and perfect my acoustic set and hopefully meet lots of new musicians and introduce people to my songs.

I will be updating my blog regularly and also have a sneaky look over on Youtube if you’re interested for some visuals (vlogs are so back).

Thanks for following my journey thus far,

Loxie <3

It was on this specific change around that I decided a wall of Pinterest generated inspirational quotes would make a great foundation for the wall behind my mirror. The thought was that whilst I would get ready, carefully pinning up my hair or methodically applying my lipgloss, I could read the quotes and feel inspired or motivated. I thought it would help to spark some kind of domino effect that would lead to a better mindset and a more positive day.

All these years later, and I’m back sleeping in my childhood room. There is one quote that I have always hyper fixated on, mostly because I’ve never fully understood it. It sits there, causing me to squint and pause. Pulling questions out of me. It’s like it taunts me whilst I contemplate what it’s trying to tell me.

I often question why I printed it out in the first place if I never truly understood what it meant.

the last few days I was driving with so much going on and so much whizzing around my mind. My thoughts were everywhere, disorganised and overwhelmed. It was in the space between a shuffled song finishing and coasting around some corner of a country lane that the quote came to me, and suddenly I understood what it meant.

“Nothing matters so everything can.”

Nothing really means anything in life, you can choose to be upset by something or not care about it. You can choose to care about loving music and hating sushi. Yes there are certain things like your tastebuds you can’t control but ultimately whether or not you care about these uncontrollable factors of life, are within your control. Always.

I have so many deadlines that I invent in my mind or a specific train that I MUST catch. But what if I don’t? The world won’t end.

I love the gym so I choose to go. Because prioritising my health and my fitness matters to me so I make that important. My family’s love and wellbeing uplift me and I feel blessed to have such a solid foundation of stability in my life and I choose to make that matter.

Music is what I want my life to be and so that really matters.

Equally though we’re just a blob on a planet and our existence is already remarkable so if we just move from moment to moment then that’s also okay.

Maybe this post is very existential (I’m sorry). I’ve spent so long with these words that the revelation of what they actually mean feels rather wild.

The oddest part is that I can’t really explain it. it never made sense and now I just get it.

Maybe it was having my operation in January when I also realised that I invent this pressure to do all these things. Yes they are important, but only because I choose them to be, and sometimes it’s important to reevaluate if it matters to you because you decide it has to, or because it truly matters. They are two very different things.

Sometimes closing your eyes and feeling the sunlight gently warm the corners of your face, taking a moment to just pause is very important.

I guess the message is contemplate that quote until something happens in your life that changes your perspective and makes you reassess what you think matters. because ultimately nothing does.

Goodness me I move to London THIS WEEKEND. Life is rather up and down and I’ve been so busy that I haven’t had much time to digest the amount of change that’s been thrown at me.

I finish at my hometown barista job TOMORROW! I recorded a new song last week that I loooveee <3333 and I’m currently sat on the train making my way to create all the visuals for it.

I’m no closer to feeling like my life looks how I want it to look but for now I think that’s okay. I’m just excited to see where all these different parts take me.

I’m excited to keep you updated on my progress when I move and also with my new music! I’m going to start vlogging again! Yay! I’ve made a shared playlist with a stranger that I’ve been listening to on repeat. That in itself feels very The Notebook coded. Greatest love of my life? Likelihood is small but who knows lol. I’m feeling very well in myself and my mind so we shall see how the new few weeks and months unfold.

Sending you all my strength and love and positivity as always.

Loxie <3⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

I see life very linearly and visually. It’s like when I make choices I visualise what that will mean and where that will make my future move towards.

This has caused some kind of weird decision fear and paralysis. Nothing really excites me because the vision of where I can see it leading isn’t the life I want to live.

However I don’t think that gives the universe enough credit. I could argue that one of the best parts of being alive is the surprises that life gets to give you. You can never truly know or understand where you’re going to be in five years because that’s simply not how it works.

If there is one thing I want to try and shift about my mindset it’s this resentment and fear of change. I want to get really excited and enjoy present moments without panicking where they will lead.

I’m moving out soon which is exciting and scary and extremely unknown. I’ve already visualised all the ways that it will change nothing apart from bankrupting me. However I really hope that a completely new environment and fresh start will help to realign that cool things will and can happen, and that life even when you feel set back and lost will show you important things that you just happened to stumble into the right place and time for.

I keep having this feeling that I should really sit and visualise and believe the dreams that I aspire to live out. A friend told me recently that when I met her for the first time what stood out about me was my assurance that I was gonna make it in music. “I know it will happen for me, it just has to there is no other option” I explained over a coffee in a cafe in Soho.

When I was a kid and also a teenager I never really doubted my ability for success. I guess it’s only through the last few years that have been horribly stagnant and daunting, have I lost this optimism that my life’s going to be great and just what I hoped it would be.

Some, probably including myself would argue this version of me was naive. But when my friend reminded me of the mindset that I’ve always yielded as my most powerful tool, I realised that I’ve just got to really believe again.

Cause to be quite honest fuck reality. That’s so boring. I’m gonna try everything and know nothing and if I fail then oh well who cares I try something else.

I also want to try and remain optimistic to the pivot that life can take and let go of the fixation of this path I envisioned for myself. Because unfortunately that hasn’t happened- I wasn’t picked up by a label by the time I was 18 and I’m not on the road to commercial success with lots of promised fame and money.

I have to accept that wasn’t meant for me. It wasn’t, but something else will be. Whatever that is it will be better fit and I can still achieve my dreams in a different way.

I hope whichever way that ends up being I can take it one opportunity at a time, and stop putting all this weight on myself that I’m failing because I haven’t lived through the path I thought I needed to.

I just want to enjoy writing again and creating music that inspires me. I want to be able to live without a real job or plan to enable my creative path to blossom in whichever way it does. I will have a successful life because I have the innate personality to make opportunities happen to me and my love and certainty with music won’t waiver.

I’m not choosing a conventual path to stability. I want to not only be okay with that, I want to accept it and stop looking to other people to compare timelines or tell me I’m not a complete idiot thats ruined any hope of a thriving future.

I hope you choose scary things that don’t make much practical sense because you’re staying true to doing something you hoped you could as a kid, even when you couldn’t feel further from winning at it.

I have been working hard and balancing making the trek into London. I’m excited to be here permanently and so glad I finally have a date set to move!!!! YAY!!!

Everyone keeps asking me how excited I am which as per this post you can probably guess hasn’t been how I have been feeling about the whole thing however, it is exciting.

I have no idea what’s going to happen and I just want to get really really good at my craft, meet cool people and do great things. I’m obviously going to write about the whole thing and I want to make sure I’m keeping my blog up to date far more regularly.

I might even start up my old youtube vlogs again. Mentally its been a rough start to the year but I’m going to focus on keeping busy and excited about the prospect of this new chapter of my journey, because whatever happens it is going to change things, which I am in desperate need of.

I look forward to catching up soon!!!!

Loxie <3

I feel like to some extend you control your own destiny, if you put yourself in the room and create opportunities you can create huge changes for yourself that are very much within your control.

Thing is though I can’t quite get over the paralysis of being scared you’re stuck without knowing how to move forward. That fear of being overwhelmed by the enormity of life and the future, stops you from taking steps forward because it feels too big to know where to start.

I guess this is why I liked travelling so much, you live in a false reality of moving day to day constantly being surrounded by change and life feels like it’s moving. It forced me to enjoy the present moment because I was excited about what I was doing and I always knew there was something exciting about to happen so I didn’t need to worry about it.

Now I get or create opportunities, become excited about where it’s going to go and picture the cascades of unknowns that I suddenly feel on the brink of, finally everything happens for this reason!!!

But then it falls through or it doesn’t lead anywhere. So I constantly feel disappointed and I’m scared that’s all my life’s going to lead to a series of disappointments.

However writing forces me to gain some optimistic perspective. Because if you’re a good person and you work hard things have to work out and life does evolve. Even writing this I’m finding it difficult not to roll my eyes at myself.

We are all on the brink of something. I’m trying desperately to believe that because everything for me seems to be staying stationary…

So here is what we are going to do:

1. stop justifying people who you have to question. If you’re confused and you can’t stop analysing what they say or how you felt around them then that’s not healthy but more importantly they don’t bring you peace. Mentally take a step back, it isn’t that deep, you’ve got to let them go.

2. You are a blob on a planet nothing is impossible. If there is doubt holding you back, just remember you can literally make anything happen no one ‘deserves’ anything more than anyone else. Go train to fly to the moon if you fancy it.

3. Put your phone down and for god sake stop comparing yourself. What does beating yourself up for others peoples wins, lives, looks really going to achieve? absolutely nothing. Some guy I had an extremely brief encounter with a few years ago said to me “comparisons the thief of joy b”- he was a freak and nobody on the planet should listen to anything he had to say, but I remember at the time thinking christ if even he is telling me that I clearly need to get my act together. So here is me telling you, stop comparing yourself it’s silly.

4. Accept that a lot of life is out of your control and whilst that’s scary it’s also exciting. The future isn’t a format you can conceptualise, the best part is embracing the unknown.

5. You’re here for a reason and what is meant for you WILL find you, let go of anything that undermines that feeling and trust your gut.

This one I can feel my entire being rejecting its truth. The past month has been so beyond rough. I’m so done acting like I’m excited lalalalala life’s great! When actually it feels scary and sad and dark. You get ghosted and your family falls apart and your fallopian tube dies and so you cry in the shower or on the train or in the car.

But what I really believe is that in these rough moments we learn to adapt and cope even if they feel like they can last a lifetime. With time your body heals, you move on from situations that broke pieces of you and your new reality adapts probably for the better. I know that when I’m out of what feels like an eternally uncertain chapter in my life I’ll look back at it like a blur, it will just feel like a fraction of time that suddenly feels so insignificant.

In moments when I lived away where I missed home, I used to imagine lying in my childhood bed and being back from what felt like an endless stretch alone in a world I was experiencing by myself. I would tell myself you’re going to blink and this will all be a fever dream that you will miss so much even the hardest, messiest, loneliest parts.

and I do, I miss all of it.

I know one day that’s what this part of my life will feel like to. So if you are also in the thick of it just know nothing lasts forever even when it feels like you’ve exhausted every option. Time changes everything and therefore this will to.

HELLO!! I’ve been listening to so much music, I saw my therapist yay! I’ve started making coffees again and I’m recovering from my surgery. I had the most glorious few days in London and then I came home and life sort of crashed into my face and it’s been hard. But I feel like I have a short term plan with musical projects and that’s exciting so I hope just focusing on these things life will just sort of slot into place around that. Well that’s my working theory anyway.

Music recs- Found Sydney Ross Mitchell on TikTok and can’t get enough the songwriting in ‘Pure Bliss Forever’ is literal magic. Noah Kahans releasing a new album and so is Maisie life is worth living. I discovered the song ‘Catch & Release’ on a playlist I was put on, it’s by Rhys Frank and I love ist On that same playlist I found a song called Navel by Michele Lu which I’ve also loved. Basically- listen to more new music playlists and find small artists because there is some phenomenal songwriters out there and I’ve been lapping it up. Also The Last Dinner Party are incredible and ‘nothing matters’ is a bop.

Life’s gonna be great I’m with you all the way stranger.

Thank you for reading I hope some of this resonated with you!!

Loxie <3

My health record is quite literally perfect and my mum’s a doctor so I recall going for any type of medical appointment maybe three times in my whole life.

I’m going to be fine and the surgery probably saved my life. But Christ it was a horrible experience. I thought it would teach me how resilient I can be, which I guess it did but I already knew that about myself. There was no Derek Shepard unfortunately and it didn’t cure my lack of love for needles despite being prodded like a pin cushion.

Instead it made me feel like a china doll, I’ve never felt more vulnerable and like the control of myself and my body was completely out of my hands. I was lifting weights in the gym a week ago and now I’m struggling to sit up by myself.

I know its a cliche to get a cold, recover, and then praise the universe you can breathe again. But there is something about the mundane machine of life that has the ability to blank your memory of just how remarkable human biology is.

I’m sure when I feel myself again in the next week or so I’m not going to praise the ground that I’m alive. I am however going to make sure to take more deep breathes because really nothing is that deep, and also push and strengthen my body because I am able to.

I’ve been on a big health journey the last 18 months anyway, and I’ve got to a point where I genuinely enjoy exercising so much. So that I’m sure will continue on. It’s the gratitude towards my body enabling me to exercise I want to focus on. Not push myself as punishment, but instead listening to what my body needs and feeling proud that I can reach the specific goals I have.

Just functioning normally and healthily is a privilege not a lot of people get. Maybe you don’t see this because your friends are all a similar build to you and when you scroll on your instagram everyone is a different shade of skinny.

But if you pull your head out the sand of what is essentially what you are immediately exposed to on a daily basis, you realise that in the Western world a huge proportion of people are unhealthy- maybe they eat loads of crap and can’t quit the vape. We are also living through a horrifically divided time with multiple war zones where there are vast amounts of people starving and deficient in so many things that we take advantage of. Plus God forbid you do everything right and you still get a chronic illness or are diagnosed with an incurable disease.

Even just sitting in A&E you realise that you are part of the 1%. The 1% that wake up and make their bed every morning. The 1% that shows up and goes to the gym. The 1% that chooses scary things because its right not because it’s easy. Social media makes you feel as if you are the 1% that’s failing in comparison to the rest of the pilates princess, early rising, corporate girlies who are also remarkably creative and somehow have the time to post all about it every day. Everyone says this isn’t reality. But please hear me when I say it really isn’t and even if it was it doesn’t matter.

Right now as much as I want to look shredded and I know I could if I wanted to I couldn’t care less about how my tummy looks. How stupid that we care so much about things so dumb. I now have three battle scars as a reminder of this to carry with me the rest of my life.

Also no one who truly loves you would care. I think my scars are now going to be a good screening process for men I choose to date, I’m actually rather intrigued for how they will react.

I’ll be up and running in no time and I will be so excited to be strong enough to do so. Also because I am so healthy the parts of me that are struggling are relying on everything else to keep me upright, which I’m only able to do because of how fitness conscious I am usually.

I guess I hope that you can take away with you the privilege of everything you get to have just by waking up healthy. You’re body is already remarkable and there is no expectation or deadline you have to meet to prove it.

So don’t take it for granted and go on a nice walk on my behalf today please.

Yeah so what a mad way to begin the new year and my 21st year on the planet. A lot of these issues have needed sorting for months and I’m just really glad to have been taken seriously and given the help I needed.

What a great opportunity for a reset and to reevaluate everything I’m doing. I’m just so grateful for everyone in my life. I feel like such a lucky duck and I’m just excited to feel better and start properly conquering the world because this is going to be my year I can feel it.

I listened to ‘Red’ by Miss Taylor as I was put under anaesthetic of course.

I have been mainly watching lots of music related stuff. Really went through a phase of deep diving down the ‘Triple J’ ‘Like a Version’ rabbit hole. If you know you know, the Florence Road cover is honestly one of the best things I’ve ever heard.

My song got playlisted whilst I was sat in A&E, talk about two extremes. This has boosted my streams and exposure massively and just motivates me so much. I also got written up in a Music Magazine that was very cool. This is going to be a very exciting next chapter in my life and I finally feel everything has been swept clean and I have the opportunity to build on everything I’ve learnt.

I’ll speak to you soon,

Loxie <3

I for one am.

I don’t really enjoy the 5 day gap between Christmas and New Year but I do love both a fresh start and a rebrand. What I’ve come to realise is that social media helps fuel the desire to completely change and transform once the clock strikes midnight on that fateful December 31st.

Which usually ends up for me waking up the next morning feeling sorry for myself. Images of my friends and their boyfriends giddy from the night before dancing around my head, both a punishment and purpose for myself.

Will this finally be the year when I get it together and grow into the version I obsess over becoming?

News flash no it won’t. Nobody ever accepted and loved themselves by obsessing over what they are not.

It’s a very different idea completely to reflect on what you have, who you are currently and where you want to grow to. But focusing on everything yourself or your instagram feed lacks stops you from being able to open your mind that you’re filled with an abundance of potential. Hating yourself doesn’t get you to fulfil this but loving yourself might.

It’s not a coincidence that practices like high fiving yourself in the mirror can help boost self confidence. Or showing yourself kindness, and choosing to look at life through a positive lense makes all the various crap we live through as humans more bearable.

Just focus on the positive ! All the various self help books say in union.

As much as yes this is important and I also believe it to be true I feel the problem with unlocking self love lies deeper than this. It’s learning to love who you are even when you hate who you are. Read that again.

I mean that some days you’re going to wake up with awful bed hair and your legs haven’t seen 10,000 steps in weeks. Then god forbid someone takes a photo of you which you have never felt more repulsed by in your entire life. True self confidence is about taking all that on and loving who you are anyway. It’s about not caring about the bad days because you know you are so much greater than your worst photo.

You are 4 and 12 and 20. You are the toughest conversation you got to the end of or the first time you drove your friends in your car. Your mum’s hair colour and your dad’s smile. Your favourite recipe and that piece of jewellery that never gets taken off even when you swim in the sea. You are so much history of living and you are capable of becoming whatever you choose to be.

So yes, use Pintrest and see those instagram posts as inspiration for the type of life you want to lead. But don’t allow that to detract from who you already are and trust that has always and will always be enough. This to me is the highest form of self love- self acceptance.

Action kills anxiety and Christmas has felt weird these past few years because it forces me to slow down which makes me feel like I’m failing. Also I’m the eldest child so as the resident therapist this is my busiest time of year. It is also my birthday the second week of January, and with pursing music being glued to my phone is part of the job, which magnifies all the comparative issues I’ve chatted through.

I did however make it through the emotional turmoil that Christmas has become. I managed a cold water swim in the sea the day after Boxing day. Which I realise I have to create opportunities to do more of next year because it is a complete reset and I am nowhere near the sea unless I make an effort to be. Which I now know I should.

Nature truly is my favourite medicine, jeez now I really am morphing into the mindfulness influencer crap I’ve just rejected.

I have so much happening in the next few weeks, I’m nearly 21, I’m having a party (which is not a regular occurrence for me and you bet I most definitely do have an inspo board pre-prepared for that). I really do have so much I want to make happen music wise in January, start the year off strong. Pushing hard forward towards my goals because I know my potential and I’m excited to see where growing forwards is going to take me.

The new year is daunting but everything is going to fall in place whether you start the 30 day fitness plan or not so relax it’s going to be great diva you’ve got this.

But somewhere between starting secondary school and growing into my teenage years became a wonky jaw, braces wearing, short hair, side part teenager. Who always put her hand up first and did her homework the night it was set.

Boys did not fancy me in fact they resented me. I was a teachers pet.

A part of my youth I now feel proud of because despite being desperately ‘uncool’ I didn’t care and I did it anyway. Which in fact I believe on the contrary made me the the coolest kid in any classroom.

This however came with a complex.

I was always the friend of the girl boys fancied. They’d ask me to pass on the message, or agree to hang out with me at the weekends as long as they could bring a friend and keep a safe 4 metre distance at all times.

I would sit down in assemblies and boys with laugh and shuffle away from me. No boy I ever crushed on would message me back, or if they did it was usually part of some complex dare that I became the rather sad punchline of.

This isn’t supposed to be a woe is me post.

I just find the way this has impacted my value in adolescence very interesting.

You see I have many friends who unknowingly to them have lived a life of pretty privilege. They can never understand how succumbing to a life of rejection truly feels because even if they weren’t the most popular person in school, they were never made to feel socially rejected.

Like most people I grew into my looks, sorted the hairline out and by the ripe old age of 18 became quite attractive if I don’t say so myself. The first boy that fancied me I dated. Which lead to the most invasive confusing chapter of my life so far.

The validation he gave me felt like gold coins. Even though I knew he wasn’t right for me and if I’m honest was actively unkind, it didn’t matter because he wanted me. No one had ever seen or pursued me in that way before.

Having to eventually let that go was the most painful thing I’ve ever experienced. I do not think If I hadn’t grown up with the ugly kid complex this would of impacted me in the same way. Who knows If I would have even touched that relationship with a four foot pole. In the end I just could not let him go because it felt like loosening my grip would mean having to watch every part of myself be rejected. Which was something I had battled with throughout my teenage years. So accepting this outcome from the person I was the closest too at the time felt like my heart being ripped out and ran over.

I now know that the worst case scenario is staying stuck with someone who you know isn’t right for you.

I feel like the last three years have been me growing into, out and back into myself again. Getting to learn all the pieces of who I am that I really love and now know so well.

It’s felt like me redefining my self worth because of how much I do truly love and value myself, this is a discipline that growing up gets to teach you.

However, I still have a very difficult time comprehending that attractive men or any men for that matter fancy me.

It is such a weird paradox. I can feel so good about myself and in such a hyper independent state and then any man shows any interest and its like all logical thought flies completely out the window. I’m like Bridget Jones being drawn to Daniel Cleaver.

It’s embarrassing to admit because of how juxtaposed that is against my day to day personality and moral compass.

I am the first friend to say please dump him. Yet someone gives me a crumb and I convince everyone I’ve ever met that he has just given me a Mary Berry standard baked cake.

What is that? I really cannot understand it but I do put significant blame on my ugly kid theory. There is a version of me that still does not believe she is supposed to be desired and that manifests itself in my current poor decision making.

I often wonder if I had grown up ‘attractive’ to the male gaze would I allow the same people to have had such an emotional hold on me.

I also mainly am blessed by female friendships in my life. If I make new male friends I am constantly haunted by the question of does he fancy me? Which is ridiculous because 99/100 I do not fancy him so why oh why does it even matter and why does that thought even enter my mind.

I think about this aspect of my personal psychology a lot, because I don’t think its healthy and it is something I want to improve on.

It’s important to focus on internal value, I love who I am and I know I am good enough. This has become a practice that I try to do to unlearn those validation seeking behaviours. I also don’t think it helps living in a comparison fuelled society with ridiculously high standards. But without growing up feeling like an ugly kid I doubt I would still live with the same complex.

I have spent the last few weeks winding down and sorting out things for Christmas as per most of the Western population. My Substack notes have been doing well so hopefully if you’re a new reader you will like my writing too.

Pursing creativity whilst living in my Childhood home often feels suffocating and I think after an extremely productive November I’ve hit a slight lull. However I want to embrace being surrounded by everything and everyone I love, whilst also giving myself a pat on the back for how far I’ve come this year.

Honestly you just have to believe that things will work out focus on the right now and truly trust in fate, tummy ache. It’s going to be great, you’re going to be fine, I’m going to be fine, everything will sort itself out.

Thanks for reading,

Loxie <3

I went through my one and only (so far) major heartbreak at 18 and I remember looking in the mirror between stomach issues and deep depressive days spent sobbing alone in bed thinking- “what is happening to my hair?”.

It was thin and broken and really so was I.

I would look at photos from a few years previous and mentally relive the glory days. I’ve never had thick hair but this was different. It wasn’t just fine is was drained of life. So naturally I cut a huge chunk of it off.

They say hair holds memories, and I was definitely in need of a change. I cut it off at a hair salon in Auckland when I moved to New Zealand in 2024. Unfortunately this cut did not revive my hair. It in fact began the journey of hair hatred that has continued on ever since. It did not grow out healthy. It did not grow out thicker. It unironically became funny how bad it looked. I would see a person maybe on the bus or out walking with two thick luscious plaits and I would have to actively stop myself from laughing with how dier my hair looked in comparison.

Was it travelling? The hairdresser that cut it? Was it my lack of tiktok research to buy a shower protective water thing to stop my hair getting damaged when I was in Thailand? Or was it this period of my life feeling emotionally turbulent and unnerving.

The more you obsess over something the bigger it usually feels. For me at least this is how my anxiety works. I feel a certain mental or physical discomfort, obsess over it, usually start getting hysterical or shaky. But actually if I just take a deep breathe or decide to go to sleep and start a fresh tomorrow it usually resets my brain.

Our bodies are so very clever, they are tuned into your emotions much more than we give them credit for. So as I said at the beginning, its not exactly surprising that the most unstable period of my life so far has manifested itself in my hairs inability to grow and get stronger. Maybe this is a physical reminder to slow down, do some mindfulness. No amount of hair growth supplements or scalp massages is solving this problem.

I’ve exhausted all options so instead I’m trying secret option number 7. Leave it alone. Find moments of joy in my every day, go to therapy, work hard, call my friends, and I really hope that as my life starts to work itself my hair will to.

I have been in my Popstar grind era. I released a song, I regained some will to live and true belief in myself. My song as we speak has just been played on the radio. 2026 is going to be my year I feel it. I feel truly at the tip of the iceberg that is my long, happy and successful life. I have regained optimism- it’s a Christmas miracle.

Trust though that I’m still making some rather poor decisions personally and will continue to have a lot to contemplate and obsess over through writing. I have not had a personality transplant don’t worry.

I have been listening to Sabrina Carpenters Christmas EP ‘Fruitcake’ on repeat cause it is actually so good, every year I get to rediscovery how much I love it. I’ve obviously been listening to my own song (‘If I Had a God’ by Loxie *cough cough go listen*) on repeat. Might sound a bit narcissistic but I would never release anything I didn’t love listening to. I’ve been working a lot, in my coffee making grind also. Basically been working hard firing on all cylinders but action kills anxiety so here is your sign so go make it happen and always do the worst thing first.

Very excited for Christmas, still have not bought a single present- that I do need to sort out asap. Will look forward to speaking to you soon with a Christmas related post I’m sure.

Thank you for reading as always.

Loxie <3

When I think about 15 year old me pre pandemic I find it hard to imagine a world where short form media didn’t dominate. I don’t feel it’s a unique experience to feel so drowned out with all this internet noise that you feel extremely disconnected from your real world self, especially with the rise of ai. I would as I’m sure would many, much rather be frolicking in the fields and creating art using my own inspired thoughts and a paintbrush I hold physically in my hand.

The internet is this weird uncontrollable thing that no one can decide if they love or hate. It’s the one that got away. Is it an important and useful tool to be utilised and cultivated? Or is it a destructive weapon used to supply teenage girls with body dysmorphia or ruin what we once called an original thought?

I recently had an identity crisis. Shock. and when I turned to Pintrest to try and inspire some will to live back into what I wear or how I do my makeup, I realised that a lot of what inspires me derives from other people. I also watched a Tiktok about how in fashion especially, part of the fun is taking clothes out your wardrobe and experimenting. It’s about looking to people and thinking what do I like about that? and then taking lots of different elements of parts you like to create your own vision. Not just creating a carbon copy of something you’ve seen.

This I think is the crux of my issue with growing up as a girl online. The way you perceive media makes you want to be someone else. Have their clothes or their life or be as skinny as them. The problem with having all these people that feel so cool and unreachable is you spend so much time obsessing over what they are that you don’t leave any room to be creative with figuring out who you are.

Figuring out what you want to wear or who you want to be when you walk into a room doesn’t derive from an inspo board. It comes with living, existing and failing. It means being bad a things and reflecting back on that as a lesson to do things differently next time.

I don’t feel I’ve ever been satisfied with who I am. Which I sometimes see as a gift because I’m always pushing myself harder and striving to be better. I’ve had a lot of personality and physical changes. I’ve done yoga and solo travelled and worn terrible outfits and had a side part. I might not be who I want to be yet but I also have a pretty good vision of what she looks and talks like. Which is now the person I strive towards instead of someone I deem as cool thats come up on my Instagram discovery page (well most of the time anyway).

I guess this is a reminder to both you and myself to use the internet as a tool because it is useful and powerful. But also if you feel stuck in a period of your life that feels dominated by it then its important you take a bit of space. Writing is important, calling your friends is important, going outside is important.

I love that ‘touch some grass’ has become such an urbanised phrase. It just shows how oversaturated everything has become. Where social media was once a new anomaly that only reached certain age groups, it is now inescapably what most peoples lives evolve around. The space that was once the unreachable instagram influencer has now morphed into everyone is an influencer, the relatable ‘uncool’ girl next door, or the people trying to deinfluence you from influencers. Its what the music, film, EVERY industry evolves around. It’s how you market yourself or make friends or ask for help. Everyone is fed up me included.

I try and acknowledge this feeling of fedupness. Because as much as this is all true and I do constantly feel like Katness in the Second Hunger Games when she’s stuck against the forcefield whilst the mockingjays taunt her. I want to remind you that the world is a very big place and you don’t have to live up to every standard you’ve set for yourself based on other people you want to be like.

There’s a lyric that I like ‘somedays you do your best and somedays you do your best just to get out of bed’ (Katie Gavin). sometimes you can just exist and that can be enough. Be kind to yourself and proud of how far you’ve come. Make terrible art, put your phone down. If you feel your life has slipped down a digitally based rabbit hole then take the three deepest breathes you’ve taken today, turn your phone off, go outside for ten minutes and remember the chances of existing as you are is basically impossible and that is so cool and being alive is a privilege and you’re doing great. So chin up chick and go touch some grass.

In other news I’ve been in my hyper productive grind which yes, shockingly has burnt me out a bit. However I am just trying to keep going.

I have a song coming out next Friday!!! Yay!!! 5th December.

The process of releasing this song has been random but I decided that part of committing to my process or pursing music means making bad art. Not that I think this song is bad. It just means that to get to where I want to go I’m going to try everything. This might mean releasing songs even if it doesn’t get any traction or playing gigs where I feel I sounded a bit crap. It’s all about the journey and one step at a time.

I do miss my friends a lot, I have had a bit of an emotionally turbulent 10 days but honestly what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Trying to be more positive and trust that it will all work itself out easy peasy. I’ve been listening to a lot of random old albums recently, it really has felt like Evermore season. I am also excitedly waiting for my Apple Music windup (rip Spotify wrapped). I too am trying to keep my chin up chick even when life feels unnerving.

Catch up soon,

Loxie <3

Number one. Driving alone with the windows down and music loud.

I remember the day I passed my driving test like it was yesterday. Dad drove me because I was so nervous. I had the only female examiner and from the moment when she called my name at the test centre I knew luck was on my side. Later that day after the initial excitement and disbelief had subsided I drove alone to my singing lesson. I had never felt so independent. Pulling out the driveway with both my parents and my sister waving me off. There is something so all encompassing about listening to music alone in the car, its not only about listening to music its about hearing it properly for the first time. You get to really feel it and that moment was where my true adolescence began.

Number two. Catching a sunrise on a long haul flight.

Picture this, I’m 18, I’ve just said a hysterical farewell to my sister and dad in Heathrow terminal 3. I have began to embark on 48 hours of travelling alone. I was SO SCARED. But in life I try and run towards the things that scare me the most because I know facing fears is the best way to learn lessons and truly live life fully. I have no idea how far I was into the first leg of the flight. I do know that I was down one sobbing meltdown and intense journalling session. Everyone around me was asleep or three inflight movies deep. I peeled the cabin window up a few centimetres just to try and see what type of timezone I was flying through. The piercing light of untouched early sunshine beamed through, much to the annoyance of the lady in the middle seat. There is something so hopeful and pure about getting past the clouds and realising no matter how grey the day is, or how dull the seasons become there is always, always light and sunshine up ahead even if you can’t see it right now- It’s still there.

Number three. A homemade fresh out the oven Chocolate brownie.

Okay so this one isn’t that deep I just love chocolate brownies so much lol. Also when you haven’t had like a proper good dessert in a hot minute and then all of a sudden it’s Sunday and you walk in the house and you’re hit by a wave of home baking and pure cocoa scented joy. Come onnnnn. Warm with melted chocolate in the middle and vanilla ice-cream, erm yes please.

Number four. Going to the toilet in the middle of the night whilst camping.

So this one might feel a bit odd at first but let me explain. Obviously when you’re all tucked up in your sleeping bag after a full day outside, hiking or swimming, nobody wants that annoying nagging feeling of a full bladder in the middle of the night. But, once you drum up the motivation to face the cold and the dark, you slip your pink crocs on and brave the walk over to the campsite toilets that feel annoyingly far away. Now you’re socks are wet, and you’re regretting the tea you drank just before you went to bed. But then there’s a moment when you realise you’re the only person awake and you’ve never felt stillness and peace like this. You look up and the stars are actually insane and you remember how tiny you are and how remarkable the world is. It’s like suddenly everything feels manageable and beautiful. A true sense of existential understanding and gratitude that can only be achieved in this weird mid-night moment that you’ve stumbled upon, you’re also about to get back into that cozy sleeping bag so what is there to complain about really.

Number five. Supercut by Lorde.

This song evokes so much for me. I could write an entire post on this song and others that I wish I could listen to for the first time all over again. Melodrama as an album is extremely special, Lorde’s writing is always remarkable and Jack Antonoff really did something here sonically. This is obviously not a hot take because I can think of a few million people that would agree, but I thought I would express my deep admiration and obsession with this song nonetheless.

Number six. Greys Anatomy.

I have watched this show through three times properly. Bare in mind (not including the most recent seasons) that was a good 15 seasons of roughly 20 episodes per season, 40 minutes per episode. That’s a lot of TV. As this list progresses I realise that I probably sound a bit like a basic bitch. Well maybe I am but maybe it doesn’t matter because things are well loved for a reason and my god what a show. The character complexity (all hail Shonda Rhymes), the plot, the twists, the love stories. Every. Single. Mark ticked. Smashed. Surpassed. I honestly feel this passionately about other TV shows and films too, Friends, The vampire Diaries, Love actually, Batman, Star wars. Maybe take this as a prompt to rewatch your favourite film or series. Honestly if I’ve hit a bit of a life lull I ask myself when was I last completely absorbed into a series, if I can’t remember, its time to find something to hyper fixate on for the next 4-6 working weeks. Or maybe just rewatch greys anatomy for the 4th time.

Number seven. Wearing gold hoops.

I waited patiently until the age of 13 to get my ears pierced. It didn’t go down particularly smoothly. It involved about 45 minutes of wailing and a few ‘get over yourself’ conversations from both my mum and the piercer- I think the fuss I made almost sent her into early retirement. Eventually fast forward a few stud wearing early teen years later and now I’m in Primark buying my first gold hoop multipack. Honestly I don’t recall the moment exactly, but I do remember feeling like nothing would ever look more me than gold hoops. I love nothing more than this and my hair in a messy bun tied up with a scrunchie, it’s me in my purest most Loxie form. Gold hoops 4ever.

Number eight. learning my first set of chords on the piano.

This I do remember exactly. I was a young teenager and had always sang, making up weird rhymes about wanting a puppy or getting my heart shattered by my first crush (I was 12). But I’d never played an instrument well enough to get the feeling I felt when listening to music. I began having piano lessons and I was pretty awful. However this one particular Thursday my first piano teacher Nadia decided that why don’t we try and just learn some chords for Coldplay’s ‘the scientist’. I got home that night, having gained a sudden understanding of how I could play the basic C Major I, IV and V chords. A basic chordal right of passage. I googled the chords to Kodalines ‘All I want’ and suddenly I could play a real song and it sounded actually quite good. I remember my mum coming up the stairs onto the landing and saying gosh Loxie that actually sounds good. The initial novelty did wear off pretty quick when this was the only thing I played for probably about four months. I can confirm my mum now cannot stand that song.

Number nine. Making my first true friendship.

I always struggled with friends. Primary school was a bullying based disaster and secondary school wasn’t a walk in the park either, with the emergence of clicks and teenage hormones. Then covid hit when I was 15 and suddenly the group chats I was excluded from but could override in person at school became unavoidable. There was a girl called Abi that got on my bus and lived quite close to me. One morning I got a text from her asking to go on a bike ride and I remember at the time I’d been uninvited to something irrelevant now. Actually being asked and wanted to hang out with was not something I’d ever experienced before. How good it felt to be have someone ask for your company without having to beg for it. Love you Abs. Still the bestest friend to me 6 years later. Unironically ‘true blue’ by Boy Genius has just come on shuffle and this is one of my favourite songs as a summary of friendship. The female relationships I now have in my life are so fulfilling and gorgeous. I am so grateful, savour your girlfriends.

Number 10. Deep and uncontrollable belly laughter.

When was the last time you laughed. and I mean like really, truly laughed. You know that feeling when you attempt between gasps for air to giggle out stop!! I can’t breathe!! my tummy hurts!! Mutual silent laughter is the most effective form of laughter I have found and indeed the best medicine. I realised on my recent trip to Newcastle that finding friends that match your humour is so very important. I love sarcasm and I love laughter. If you can’t remember the last time you laughed then maybe this is your sign to actively incorporate more uncomplicated joy into your life, go watch grown ups or go facetime your friends.

There concludes my list.

I’ve been spending a whole lot of time in London which has been super positive. I have also just been learning a lot and continuing to try and find a way forward. I really want to release a new song in December and the process of this has been a little bit overwhelming but in a good way. I’ve felt hyper productive and like I’ve got an itchy brain to get so much completed. It’s good though cause my hunger for growth and success is very real and I’m sure its going to progress things forward.

I also went to a concert last week and have another one this week and then I’m doing a support slot in London which is very exciting. So all good things, I’m feeling good- sometimes the barista Hannah Montana juxtaposition of my life can feel a bit all consuming. But just going to keep putting one foot in front of the other and focus on the special small moments in everyday that keep me going and being inspired.

Have a great week.

Loxie <3

The question has always ever been whether I choose to tune into that or not. I think maybe thats why I’ve grown to love being alone so much because it’s easier to listen to how I feel when I’m the only person I’m asking.

So why despite this do I still choose things not meant for me. I guess I have an addictive personality and my close personal relationship with myself also means I use self sabotage as a form of punishment whenever there’s little blips in my life. It’s my way of saying haha look at you, you’re really a looser and a failure and here’s how I’m going to prove it.

I’m on the train home right now after a few days visiting one of my best friends up in Newcastle. I feel like I just experienced a weekend of uni life. Which was really fun. However I found myself using this as an excuse to make choices that I’ve grown away from and cut out of my usual life. Maybe I’ve just become overly disciplined, I don’t know and this was a way of rebelling against myself. Or maybe I was just feeling extra lost and insecure and buying into bad habits was just a way to prove to myself that those feelings are valid. Or maybe I was just living and it’s not that deep.

The deeper I get into the Alice in Wonderland rabbit hole of feeling so disoriented with a way to progress forward, the more I find myself resenting who I am. But this isn’t kind or fair to any version of myself.

I have always been a bit weird, this is probably the best part of who I am- my honesty to always live 100% as myself unapologetically.

I guess the point of that reflective rant was me trying to explain that life and people and dynamics are not black and white. There is always a grey area. I feel like It’s up to you to decide how far you feel you can be pushed out of your safety zone of familiarity before you realise the boundary when that is no longer inline with who you want to be. After all this is the only way you can learn how to show up for yourself and grow forward.

In my example I know the choices I’ve made in the last week haven’t made me feel at my greatest. I’ve always had a tummy ache for about four days straight which is always a tell tale sign. So going forward I need to listen to that and drown out the noise of my internal sabotage and exercise some self control.

It’s also particularly difficult to listen to this self assured reasonable logic when something or someone feels so good in the moment. I care very much for someone who I probably should move on from, he even tells me this. But thing is that I don’t really want to. I want to keep him around because I like knowing him very much and I feel he sees me through a lense that feels very real. Maybe the fact I have recently found it very easy to let people go and I want him to stick is a sign that this is something worth savouring, or maybe I’m just bored and delusional lol.

Which brings me back to my original point of where is the line between being disciplined and honest with yourself but also living and learning with the space to grow.

For me it always comes back to that little niggling internal voice telling me what I know is true but in some cases you might learn a valuable from just dimming that sensible voice down a little bit. Because I’m also 20 and in a weird place in my life and I’m allowed to be a bit silly and careless.

So in conclusion there is so much to be said from listening to yourself and being held internally accountable. But also if it isn’t hurting anyone (yourself included) then maybe its okay to play slightly dumb because after all life is a big learning curve.

This is my reminder to myself and to you that the world won’t end if you eat an almond croissant or kiss the boy. Tomorrow is the gift of a fresh start and if it doesn’t feel good then you’ve just done a good job of discovering where your boundary between letting yourself live a little and hurting yourself sits. The important part is then listening to that lesson moving forward.

This week I’ve just had West End Girl by Lily Allen on repeat and repeat and repeat. Leith Ross’ new album is so beautiful. The way she writes is so powerful and profound to me. ‘Scott Street’ is currently playing on my headphones as I’m writing this, which feels like a perfect musical embodiment of the feels I’ve described in this post. I’ve been storming through ‘Intermezzo’ on the train yesterday as I popped up to Edinburgh for the day. I do like Sally Rooney’s writing style and find personal investments for the characters in her books very easy.

I’m going to try and put a song out this month. Scary. I’m not necessarily ready for it, but I just need to try and fail and I know the only way for anything to change is to work hard even if I don’t create the most perfect and finished product. I don’t want to live ruled by a fear of failure anymore. It’s boring and I’ve got too much good art people can’t even discover or enjoy because it’s just sitting her conceptually in my mind unfinished.

Anyway that’s what’s up with me. Thank you very much for reading and I’ll look forward to catching up next week.

Loxie <3

Once you’ve surpassed the procrastination avoidant stage you move into a stage of rapid fire motivation and actioning ideas that have built up the clutter in your head. In this section of moving forward I feel its important to celebrate the small wins.

Taking baby steps is crucial, as is to stop thinking about the bigger picture and just focus on one thing you can finish and feel proud of.

I wrote this song at the beginning of the year and I felt at the time it was really good, I still do. It explores this contrast of believing in yourself whilst simultaneously being like huh why should I believe in myself I literally have no evidence to back that up. Which in turn leads to trusting nothing more than a feeling, ultimately for me this usually leads to crippling anxiety and a tummy ache- hence the title of this post haha.

However the last few days I’ve left this whole self deprecating I’m overwhelmed thing behind. Because really who was that helping. I actually tried to write this post last week but it was so depressing I had to stop LOL. My dad even walked past, caught a glimpse and then told me later that “christ that wasn’t a particularly uplifting number” he’d caught me working on. So we had a laugh, I scrapped it and after a much more successful few days I’m back firmly with my new and improved positive spin.

Just needed to touch some grass, run a cheeky 10K and gym hard for a few days.

I don’t want to fight this stage of my life and myself anymore. I’m tired with wanting things to be different. I’ve made the choices I’ve made for a reason I’m choosing to listen to my gut and my heart with pursing my dream. yes god that is so scary, I don’t have a degree and I live at home and the music industry’s fucked and where is the line between being ambitious and striving, to I need to have a life and make money. But I won’t resent it anymore I’ve come too far to let the paralysis of failure and fear of judgement even enter my mind. I want this so badly I will give me entire life to it if that’s what it takes.

Giving my power away to the universe to just let it be and let me focus on doing one thing at a time feels so relieving. If I think about the worst case scenario- still living at home and working my coffee job in a year whilst everyone shakes their heads in disappointment. SO WHAT. I’ll just leave and travel the world and study and pursue a career with structure that feels more malleable. I’m not missing my time I’m just trusting how I feel and seeing where it goes. Do you know how much power there is in saying do you know what I literally have no idea. I do not know.

If that’s what I’m scared of then so be it I won’t let it make me sad anymore. I’m just moving and grooving one step at a time and I do not know. Where is this going to lead? I don’t know. How are you going to make money? I don’t know.

It’s okay though because everything changes and so will this.

If you’re also in your I have no idea era then I’m with you, I hope this gives you the power to pursue that thing you love and trust but don’t fully understand yet. Because in my humble opinion doing that or dedicating time to figuring out what that thing is, is the only way to ever fully feel fulfilled.

In other news I am OBSESSED with Lily Allen’s new album. It’s the perfect mixture of drama and absolute lyrical and production perfection. My gorgeous pal Jas released another single from her upcoming ep called ‘Jubilee lines’ which I’ve been loving. RAYE’s ‘where is my husband’ has been on repeat, cause seriously what in the I despise men is going on. I’ve got a new Leith Ross album to get listening to also, so I shall keep you updated with that. I finished a book in four days, WHAT. ‘you are here’ by David Nicholls, it was such a lovely read, I was in desperate need of a nice easy heartwarming non-fiction and it did not disappoint. I’m now onto ‘Intermezzo’ by Sally Rooney. Felt inspired to return to my Normal People type era with that one and I’d also seen it in the Oxfam window for £4 yes please. Other than that actually have been pushing things forward music wise. A few bits and bobs happening. Can confirm I’m in the rapid achievement and sudden motivation section of the overwhelm arc.

Off on a little trip this week to see one of my favourite people and actually have some young person fun for a change which I think is much needed.

I hope you’re excited to track my musical journey going forward, cause I really do feel like things are going to move forward and my life actually is going to change.

Thanks for reading as ever.

Loxie <3

I’ve said this before, both to my therapist and on this blog haha. I am so hyper focused on the plan of what everything will lead to and where I’ll be in January or where my music will be in a year that I always, always, always loose sight of where I am right now. So instead of planning what to do if everything's the same in the any given period of time, maybe I should just hit my immediate goals of things I want to achieve right now and allow it to lead somewhere.

Its hard when life gives you a confidence knock. This whole music thing is something I’ve never questioned and always been so sure of exactly how it would pan out. But then I turned 18 and 19 and 20 and nothing went how I thought it would. Now I feel paralysed by the fact that wait what if nothing I think will happen ever will?

See I told you I’ve been having a whole existentialism freakout.

Anyway as I said to my brother earlier, I believe this is the breakdown before the breakthrough. My writing, my songs, my ART is good enough and I’m proud of it and I know people will see that and that will work out.

As a wise man continues to remind me one thing at a time.

Back to the point that in the mean time I really want to be reconnecting with my most glowy, most Loxie parts of who I am. Whilst being 17 won’t be (I hope to god) the best year of my life, it was still a goodie. I had glorious long hair, I kissed boys at parties, spent the summer going on holiday after holiday and wore blue mascara-

ahh the glory days.

Life all felt like it was working out and I was optimistic and much prettier than I gave myself credit for, how I miss her.

There’s a lot of chat online about doing what you loved as a child and how that’s where we should be going back to especially as creatives. I do think that as you get older especially into adulthood you move through periods of thriving and struggling, and that also means reflecting on what made the best versions of you so good. I think the key is being able to use that to inspire who you are now.

That manifests itself in many different ways like outfits or haircuts. But also values you had, parts of a routine you practiced and friendships you savoured.

Because being 17 is a time I think of so fondly and often, I’m trying to really embrace the type of choices I made back then, that were suppressed by formative comments made by my first boyfriend or the decline of my positive relationship I had with my body when I went travelling.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, picture you’re favourite times of your life and what made them so great. Yes a lot of it I’m sure was about age or circumstances and a lot of that is out of your control. But try to think- what is in my control?

For me that means wearing my Maybeline blue mascara. I hope this will inspire you to embrace a quirk you once cherished today on this gloomy Autumnal Monday.

This week I have been listening to ‘Life of a Showgirl’ on repeat. As a longtime self proclaimed Taylor Swift Megastan and expert, this album has not necessarily sat the best with me. I won’t get into that majorly, maybe I write an entire blog post on it lol. Personal opinions aside the actual Album itself I have and continue to enjoy listening to. I am obsessed with Favourite Daughter, I love both ruin the friendship and Father figure. Wish list, Elizabeth Taylor and Wood are all bops. I do really like the album. It might not be in my opinion Taylor’s most profound and mind-blowing songwriting, but there are some 10/10 moments and I think the intense opinions fan culture has as a result of parasocial relationships is out of control. Do you like the music or not? Yes! Yes I do and I have been liking lots of songs on this album. That’s my Swifty low down.

In other musical news Maisie Peters released two songs for the first time in two years. this is a BIG DEAL and ‘you you you’ genuinely is insane like I cannot stop listening to it. Lucy Dacus also released her extended deluxe of her album ‘Forever is a feeling’ which has been in my top 5 favourite albums of this year so that’s exciting. My music listening therefore has been stunning over the last few weeks. I’ve honestly been flat out making coffee after coffee the last two weeks, as well as being hyper-focused on my health and fitness. I just want to make sure I’m ticking the boxes music wise. It’s so hard to not get distracted by other tasks that feel more essential in the moment like earning money, going to the gym. Anyway I’m off to London to meet some new musician friends for a couple of days this week and so that should be good. Apart from that the hustle continues I shall keep you updated, thanks for reading as ever.

Loxie <3

It is the only thing I feel like I’ve ever unconditionally and completely loved.

I was messaging a new friend I’ve made recently (shoutout Emily obsessed with you) and she asked how I got into music. Yes I do get asked this often and I always reply with the honest answer, which is- it’s always been what I’ve loved and it’s always been exactly what I wanted to do. But for some reason when she asked I replied by saying it’s the greatest love of my life, explaining that there was never a choice for me when it came to choosing that or not. This made me reflect massively on how much music has impacted me more than perhaps I’d ever truly considered before.

Not to sound dramatic but genuinely at every stage of my life there has been a soundtrack that has given me an escape, from school or friends or periods of my life that felt confusing. Listening to music alone is the only place I have ever felt pure peace of mind.

Up until the age of 13 my music taste consisted of the ‘Now what you call music'’s’ that I would save up iTunes vouchers to buy, or the ‘Take me home’ CD that I got for my 9th birthday and became fixated with. It looked like me watching the ‘Everything has changed’ and ‘You belong with me’ music videos on the computer at my grandparents house, whilst I fantasised one day being grown up enough to live an exciting life and maybe find myself a real life boyfriend LOL. Musical theatre also had a big early impact on me, it was the way that people encapsulated moments and making them melodramatic, which felt like how I process my feelings in my own head out loud.

Despite being the only member of my family to play an instrument or sing, I did grow up with a dad who has always played 80s and 90s music, most notably Bob Dylan. Music was always loved in my household even though no one would describe themselves as ‘musical’. So yes it’s been around my whole life but it was never something that anyone immediately around me was passionate about like I was.

When I reached the age of thirteen, through my chronic obsession with YouTube and Vloggers I stumbled across Zoella talking about a Brighton based Singer-Songwriter she had been listening to. This was Maisie Peters and discovering her music quite literally changed my life. It opened my eyes to an entire genre of young female artists, lots of which write inspired by Taylor Swift. The songs were folky and self made and these artists were small enough that I could pay £12 to go and see them live in London. I will never forget driving to see Maisie play for the first time with my mum when I was thirteen. What felt so pivotal was how instead of dreaming to grow up and sell out Wembley stadium, I saw someone at a level I felt I could aspire to be at myself. I saw someone that seemed very similar to how I wanted to write and sound. For the first time I found a room that I knew I could fit into, and that felt like the moment when music became a true choice I could make.

Being a teenager is weird and my side-part combined with my wonky teeth most certainly didn’t make it a walk in the park. But I don’t really think struggling with adolescence is an original experience. Putting my headphones on whilst dozing back to sleep on the bus, or walking around the fields where I’ve grown up between homework gave me more than just peace of mind. It enabled me to feel everything out loud that mean comments or stupid boys makes you suppress. It was quite literally magic and still remains to this day the only thing that could ever be there for me when I need it. The buzz that I feel when I go to watch live music is also completely ineffable. It’s like my soul is aglow and the environment of an overcrowded room surrounded by people who are passionate about the same songs that you are, is a whole different type of community and understanding that has come with my musical love affair.

How lucky I am to have found something I love so completely.

It’s also a constant that won’t ghost me or let me down. It’s like a friend that I know will never leave and I can be fully transparent with, that sort of relationship is something I have found no where else ever.

I guess in moments of doubt or when people try and bring me back to reality- talking to me about studying or getting a job or how I should just ‘keep my options open’, I am reminded of this feeling. In all these small moments music was all that I really had and it didn’t matter that no one else understood that because I did. If anyone thinks I’m going to just disregard that or enable myself to choose anything else then they don’t know me well enough. So maybe what I need to learn is to be okay with that and trust myself regardless.

In other news Taylor Allison Swift dropped her 12th studio album today. Big stuff. Isn’t it crazy how an artist can be so huge that an album drop can be the headline of the news and a universal point of shared discussion all across the world. Like that is genuinely mind blowing to me. I am on my 3rd listen and yes I do think it’s quite the bop. I have lots to say on it haha literally should do a review video, maybe I’ll get back to you next week when I’ve had some real time to digest.

Apart from that I’ve been listening to Fran Lusty’s EP ‘Big Old House’ as I went to see her this week and she was amazing. I’ve also had a bit of a hyper fixation on a few singles- ‘FTSG’ by Emma Andersen, ‘I just don’t know you get’ by Absolutely and ‘Play House’ by Lucy Blue. Some really good recs this weeks you should go and listen. I’ve hit pause on my Taylor Book and started reading ‘You are here’ by David Nicholls- I wanted something non-fiction and a bit lighter. Will also keep you updated on how that goes.

Thanks for reading and hearing out my thoughts for this week.

I hope that you do something for yourself today like indulging on a hot chocolate or having a cheeky wine.

Loxie <3