when i was younger it definitely hurt whenever i would be interested in a guy and his sole reason for rejection would be "oh i'm just not into black girls" and everyone nods and understands cause of how expected it is. you're told "its just a preference" but why is that? why is your preference rooted in the color of someones skin and their 'ethnic' features. you can always argue that ‘hey bambi they probably just aren’t into you’. which fair enough that could be the reason, but it is so normalised to want everyone but the black girl, even in the media you consume; it is constantly pushed that anything non black is better.

i have noticed that– interracially speaking, men who tend to like black girls either one; have a fetish towards us or two; have to constantly point out our blackness when dating us, which honestly kind of falls under point one. its exhausting that we cant be liked without our race being the main part of our relationship. i myself have my attractions outside my own race and i never think ‘oh let me compliment on their race’ when theres a million other qualities i can compliment within a person. yet each time i date interracially i hear the same thing over again "chocolate" "brown skin" "any reference towards dr umar" "the darker the fruit– the sweeter the juice". mind you– you can compliment my eyes, my smile, my personality, my being etc. yet you choose to constantly compliment me on my race, which doesn't even feel like a compliment anymore. don't get me wrong i am incredibly proud of being black and i wouldn't change it for the world– it’s just that in a world where i am constantly reminded of my blackness, i don’t want to come home to my partner and once again being reminded that ‘oh the first and the only thing people see whenever they lay their eyes upon me is thats im black!’.

back into the topic of non black men "not being into black girls". i think this is a ridiculous take, i understand preferences yes but once again where is your preference rooted in? especially those ones who ‘prefer’ every race but black women? before even giving her a chance, she could genuinely be the best woman you've ever met in your life but you're not gonna give her a chance because of her skin complexion. yeah, that's a preference i cannot wrap my head around. certain race preferences i understand, as in when people of color prefer not to date white people due to racism and bingo the exact topic i am speaking about in this essay. because what is a white person's actual valid reason for not liking black women. matter of fact every race even, i feel as if its a pattern how its always the black girls being put as last place even within our own race we tend to see that with black men, as well.

your "preference" is the reason why a lot of black women growing up struggle with their racial identity. 

your "preference" is a quiet excuse for casual racism. 

your "preference" admits you only see black women as that– a black woman, not as an unlabelled individual. 

you have your prenotions about black women and try to disguise it under "preference". 

and you who are fetishising, you might be worse. black women are only palatable for you as your sexual desires, you cannot even fathom that we might have actual thoughts and feelings but as long as we are a "ebony chocolate baddie" its all good. 

the saddest part of it all is that, it’s mostly unconscious behaviour. not all of these preferences are rooted in malicious hate. it’s fed to you everywhere online, that certain features are better; the pinker the better, small noses, fair skin, straight "tameable hair". it’s constantly portrayed online that black women are too much, too loud, too provocative, too sassy, too dark and too black. especially within this tradwife era we're in right now, black women are the complete opposite of what a closed minded man that consumes right wing content 24/7 online would like.

“ I am black, not because of a curse, but because my skin has been able to capture all the cosmic effluvia. I am truly a drop of sun under the earth. “

Frantz Fanon, Black Skin, White Masks

i know this whole things sounds like i'm begging for validation from men but that's definitely not the case. i just wish people understood how exhausting it gets hearing that same sentence your entire life like a broken clock. every-time we move forward we take ten steps back. hearing it from friends, colleagues, dates and even strangers. yes we get it you don't like black girls! i'm no longer trying to prove myself in spaces i'm not wanted but it still bugs me cause 9/10 times they never actually have a good reason for it. when you are already living in an age where racism is on a rise, every butt of the joke is black women– even within our own communities, every new trendy product or makeup item isn't made for our skin, and when you converse with someone, regardless if they're friends or someone you're interested in, and you get hit with the whole "its just a preference” thing, it really takes a jab at ones self esteem. with everything around you already constantly trying to convince you that you're inherently wrong for being black– that ‘small preference’ of yours really reinforces that thought.

of course i'd say be so self confident within yourself that peoples casually racist preferences won't bother you but it is quite hard when love and relationships is the one thing being constantly pushed in your face and when you try to indulge into it, you realise you are the least desired and least sought out group. worse enough its not even something you only start hearing once you've started to date around in high-school.  ever since i can remember since i was little people have made these remarks , to a child by the way? their hatred–oh sorry, “preferences” towards black women is so loud that people feel the need to make comments about how black girls are undesired to little kids and mask it as jokes; "don’t go into the sun for too long or you wont be married in the future" "shes going to be a looker in the future because of her light skin/light eyes". even though these comments are more colorism than anything, we still know colorism is a slippery slope to racism. lighter and brighter is better! the more you look ambiguous and less black the better! the more desired you are! holy shit, im literally 5!! why are you telling these things to a child?

all of this is a shame cause we have a lot of black women who gave up on going into spaces where they are actually desired and settle for fetishisation. thats why you will see a black woman with her loser ugly racist white boyfriend and you think to yourself "why would you date someone that's clearly racist and is only with you due to a fetish". cause for a lot of black women its exhausting to constantly defend yourself, to have to explain to people that their preferences are racist, that their weird compliments are not acceptable and finding a space where people don't hold prejudice against you is insanely hard– so they settle. black men in our community, even though i wouldn't say all but there's a big portion who won't date anyone that isn't white. lets say they date outside of white it's most likely still not someone black. let alone if they like black girls its going to be a lightskin black woman. even within our own community, the darker black women are the least desired. that's why people settle.

i personally won't ever settle, and as a safety net i prefer not dating outside my race cause i don't wanna be 14 years in and i find out you hold some prejudice against me, but even that safety net ain't shit when even black men don't like black women. and not settling sounds so easy but its so hard when you think about it outside of dating too; friends who make small jokes about it, guy friends who openly admit to you that the reason they see you as one of "the boys" is cause you're black, etc. these things are insanely normalised that if i were to completely not settle i'd have a lot less friends around me and my abstinence journey would be never ending. so black women tend to play the forgiving role so much that we lowkey forget what our own likes and desires are.

i've heard so many black women who date completely out of their own type because they can't fathom that someone could desire them like this again. we can't be too picky because here comes some dumbass with their "paradox of choice" bullshit. yet whenever someone looks us dead set in the eyes and tells us they could never even start to imagine being with someone like us, we can't complain cause its "just a preference!" "its not my type!".

your type is rooted in centuries of racism, your type was handed to you on a platter of years of social media usage and porn– that's the reason why you can't like black women, because you're told that you shouldn't. and maybe it's too late now, maybe it's so deeply ingrained into you that you can't force yourself to be attracted to someone with a dark complexion, sure. but realising the root of your problem and fixing your prejudice (and your weird fetish), would do wonders for the next generations to come, maybe the next black girls don't have to hear the bullshit i've heard about as often. stay checking yourself, your friends, hell even if you're white, check your boyfriend too he probably doesn't like black girls either and you might be unknowingly enabling it.

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we all have met someone who lives in a constant state of victimhood or have the misfortune to still have that said person in our lives. i unfortunately had the misfortune to deal with one myself, but the grand scale of this persons victim mindset was so severe it genuinely has been leaving me in a state of shock and psychoanalyzation for the past few days, wondering how someone could possibly miss the mark that many times.

now dealing with someone who always wants to be victim is fucking exhausting, cause no matter how you try to present the information to them, they will never ever understand that they arent a victim and that not everyone and everything is against them. now whats even more exhausting is when that said victim on top of their victim complex has a black and white thinking pattern, which honestly a lot of people with victim complexes do. they dont see nuance in ANYTHING, if they are upset, everything that made them upset is bad, malicious and evil, and them themselves? had nothing to do with it, theyre perfect and have every right to be upset because theyre the helpless victim and bad things always just magically seem to happen to them. cause theyre good, theyre a good person and everyone else is bad. holy fucking shit these people need to get their head out their asses.

the person i had the misfortune to deal with for the past few months had this specific issue on a deeper level. they never did anything wrong almost ever in their eyes, every old friend, ex etc they spoke about were all evil and horrible and they were a helpless victim to it all. if they were on a rare occasion to say that they were wrong about something, thats when they would magically find nuance, it would never just be: i was wrong. itll follow with every excuse and reason they could find in the book. but anyone who ever "wronged" them? inherently evil. and honestly, they would always chirp thee loudest about having the worse life, about everything theyre going through– i dont want to invalidate or anything but if you tend to see everything black and white youre going to experience life black and white. if you refuse to see nuance in anything, your life wont have any either. cause thats how you experience it.

me myself, im a pretty nuanced person. i try always to see the bigger picture of things and in no way in hell would i ever pride myself on being a "good" person, im grey, im just a person who has flaws and virtues. ive done wrong, and i can admit that and i have also done a hell of a lot good. even so i have gone through hell and back in my life and my childhood, its not something i run around crying about or making it everyones problem cause theres people out there whos gone through worse and yes its tremendously unfair what ive been through but i dont think other people should pay for my trauma. that being said, they dont understand that i fear, their entire excuse for being a literal piece of shit 24/7 was their life, their childhood, their trauma, their family etc. not to have a trauma competition but at least from what they told me, i feel like its pretty tame compared to what i went through as a child, everyone comes out differently ofcourse– and i had the privilege to start therapy at 14 years old to also process these things. but they also refuse to go to therapy and instead decides to wrap themselves in a bubble of victimhood and make that everyone elses issue. especially mine.

they would constantly do very toxic, uncaring and selfish things– call it out? theyd chalk it up to trauma or straight up lash out on me. whenever i presented something less than perfect id immediately be marked as evil though, absolutely no nuance.

now remember how i said i have been going through a lot in my life, right? one of said things is severe mental health issues and financial difficulties. anyone thats ever been in deep and i mean deep financial issues will understand how debilitating it is. being in debt, having absolutely no money to your name for a long prolonged period of time and starving cause you barely have to eat, it makes everything go to shit. on top of it all having severe mental health issues that made me attempt suicide not too long back obviously plays a major role in my entire state of being right now.

that person knew about all this. i got sa'd and potentially raped a few weeks back, was in and out of the hospital cause i got spiked, my mental kept dropping, i got more suicidal, i stopped seeing friends, i have no money to my name and all this to say. they wanted to see me. not out of care, not out of wanting to help me, it was just their need and it needed to happen. for context we dont live in the same country and the average ticket for me to go see them would be around €200+. fine, i also did want to see them, i explained that my financial situation at that time (around a month ago) was looking a bit better so i think it would be feasible if we would meet up in two months. now the time has gotten closer, my financial situation got worse and i have even more expenses on my plate, besides those expenses, i have a lot to save for the year to come and even those goals seem hard to reach due to my finances. people who are suicidal and depressed will understand that short term goals are important for your betterment cause it makes you look forward to something, it made me extremely depressed and stressed realizing the one goal i looked foward to i couldn't reach it anymore due to my financial circumstances.

so naturally if u have a friend that claims to care about you, you tell them about it, and normally, theyd understand. i spoke to them about it, i also stressed on how i did want to see them but i just feel financially suffocated at the moment. their solution to it was: ill just pay for you. right! that doesn't really fix much honestly cause im still in financial ruin and it would actually be very stupid to travel while being in debt and taking time off work when youre literally broke. at that moment i felt uneasy about it but still proceeded, i was like sure okay then lets do that. they ended up buying the ticket and was extremely happy as if everything is solved and well now. i still have a pit of anxiety in my stomach cause nothing is well, this added another stress onto my plate cause now with everything i already have going on i have to travel and lose money regardless of the ticket being paid for.

i spoke to my sisters about it and they agreed that it is actually a horrible idea, its very rushed and it could always wait, i think prioritising food in my fridge is far more important than seeing a person i know online. now, im not stupid, this person has had a victim mentality from the start, ive had multiple fall outs with them due to this and their lack of nuance. their inability to see other people as people, but only as evil beings who do bad stuff to them. so i already felt nervous as hell trying to explain that i think they should refund the ticket and lets wait till im mentally and financially more comfortable. i explained the entire situation and anyone that has any inch of sympathy for their suicidal struggling friend would understand– hey their betterment is way more important than my need to see them right now.

well of course not them. theyre the victim of the story remember? so apparently me not being mentally or financially stable enough means that i didnt want to come in the first place and they threatened me if i dont come theyll never speak to me again. now here is where it left me shocked for days, this dude, genuinely, in their deep heart and soul, believes that theyre right in this situation... that im some evil villian for not having money??? and time??? to spare to see them. im personally attacking them.

i argued for a bit about it cause it was so UTTERLY ridiculous that one actually thinks this way. they ended up calling me, i was laughing reading their messages cause i was in genuine shock, they were threatening to block me?? cause i was struggling and couldn't see them in that exact moment that THEY wanted, no matter how shitty my mental and financial situation is, i HAD to go see them or they were blocking me. i laughed, cause woah, you cannot claim to be victim while threatening something so evil to someone you claim to care about. they told me "aint shit funny", which is true nothing is funny about threatening your friend actually. they told me if i dont give them an estimate on how long itll take (mind you, financial ruin isnt something you can just... fix) or they would block me. i told them to block me then, they got upset i dont remember what the hell they were saying at this point because i still cannot believe that they genuinely think theyre a victim right now and they hung up and i blocked them.

its been a few days now and im still shocked and this is just the icing on the cake, that entire relationship has been like that. they are so far and deep up their own ass that instead of being like: oh my god this person i claim to care about deeply is going through it, maybe i should set aside my own selfish needs and try to be there for them and understand, yes it sucks that i cant see them right now but their mental state matters more– NOPE, straight up, if you dont do as i say regardless of your own feelings and mental i will stop talking to you cause youre so mean and how dare you do this to ME!! IM BAFFLED.

theres actually people on earth who think this way?? i have never met someone so selfish, so self centered, so twisted in their way of thinking AND still think that theyre a good person and that everyone else around them is the problem. im shocked, even trump and netanyahu can admit theyre shit people, this person cant even begin to fathom that, while being the worst person around my age ive had the misfortune to meet. no joke.

ive come across horrendous people in my life and i have never met someone in that much state of victimhood while also being such a terrible person at the same time. i can write a whole ten part essay psychoanalysing them, thats how deep these layers go, and i dont think i have ever told someone i am LITERALLY thinking about killing myself everyday especially because of my financial situation (mind you i literally had an attempt not too long ago), i cannot spare more time off work and come see you at this moment and them throwing back into my face that theyll block me over it. yo, guys look no further, ive met thee most victimy victimizing victimhood person youll ever meet in your life. i took one for the team, now none of you have to go through that anymore, unless you meet this guy, then please run.