If I wanted to

Take the wrong route,

Like I have before

✯

I could go back out tomorrow,

I’m sure I still know how to score.

✯

The government’s bent on desolation,

Artists end it all, and kids get locked up

I try not to slip into isolation

But if I can’t find a new job it’s gonna be tough

✯

I could go back out

It wouldn’t be hard

But using will never be the same

As it was when I didn’t know the truth

✯

And I know I would only be filled with shame.

✯

A lot of what I used and abused

Won’t even work on me anymore—

And I’m not who I was when I cruised

I’m who I was born as, who I was before

✯

A day never comes when I couldn’t relapse

But what I would lose can’t be quantified

And I know people fall and get back up

But I feel this could be my final try.

✯

I’m happy sober, I’m glad I’m done

I know that I’m not missing out

But the planet’s been roofied, it’s scary, so

I have to talk about how I could go out.

☿

Hayley Williams sings in the penultimate song on her 2025 solo album:

“‘Cause I miss you like I miss the rage, like I miss real ink on the page

Who knew, who knew my baby?

Who knew the hard times were the good ol’ days?” (Williams)

I was late to this album, but have been listening to a lot of the songs on it regularly for the past few weeks. This line in particular struck a chord with me deeply, because reminiscing about the bad times is a palpable facet of the human experience. 

Before rehab, I had struggled with addiction from the time I was a preteen. In my early 20’s I oscillated between being a productive employee and student, and succumbing to mental health difficulties and addiction. During this era I made friends who I exchanged artistic and cultural interests with, had new academic and career experiences, and my first significant adult relationships. I was also in and out of psych wards for psychosis and depression, and for years couldn’t accept the eventual advice of doctors who told me sobriety would be the key to recovering from significant mental issues I suffered. 

After rehab my family relationships have strengthened, and in this process it has become clear which of my old friends are true core friends who share the type of values and the earnest motivation in friendships that I do. I got to a place where I can really feel okay with myself and with life in a consistent way I have not experienced for many years.  And yet, I have found myself overcome by swells of wistful memory at times: about places, elements of my life, and people who I had to leave behind to achieve this level of peace. 

Sometimes it’s media depictions of places from my past that get my reminiscence going—sometimes it is just a memory passing through my mind or a conversation with a friend or family member (or even a stranger) that brings something to the surface. Whatever the cause, I am often struck by the lack of apparent reason in feeling longing or loss in these moments. Why do I feel a sense of lamentation that a past time is gone forever, even when experiences from that time were in many ways not serving me, or actively doing me harm? What purpose does nostalgia serve for us, and what are the effects of experiencing it? What could the systems behind it in our minds be?

It is worth establishing that though the specifics of different nostalgic moments are very personal and varied, nostalgia itself is observably pervasive. In her YouTube video How Nostalgia Controls Us, Gabi Belle discusses the marketing of the phenomena—particularly in video games, media, and aesthetics. Belle notes that herself, and the masses, consistently shell out cash for media that elicits the nostalgia of their childhood era. Some of the examples she dives into include paying a significant amount of money for an original copy of a video game she played as a child, or the pattern of large numbers of people taking part in box office sales of Disney remakes. In the case of buying a used, twenty year old video game cartridge, the game is technologically simple compared to new games. She admits she may barely even play it once she buys it, yet the wave of nostalgia inspiring her to look for the game is motivation enough to spend an equivalent amount to what it was worth when it was new. She also notes that though it is widely agreed (among the audiences and critics alike) that the original animated Disney movies are superior to the live action remakes of the 2010’s and 2020’s—the remakes brought in vastly larger amounts of money in ticket sales (Belle). 

“I mean, it’s no competition: nostalgia sells.” (Belle)

This interests me, not because of the market of nostalgia itself which the video is focused on. The main message these points convey for me is that nostalgia is widespread enough, and affects us deeply enough, for a predictable and significantly profitable pattern to even be observable around it. Gabi Belle doesn’t suggest that any of the ways nostalgia’s influence can be observed in our culture and markets are innately bad—if people enjoy nostalgic products, then that’s not inherently harmful. But she does also exemplify that people looking to make a profit can do so easily if they effectively play on the nostalgia of a certain group, because some form of nostalgia is a deeply influential sensation for most people. In fact, nostalgia has been influential enough on humans throughout history that it was even categorized as a literal disorder: believed in the 17th and 18th centuries to be caused by demons inhabiting the brain, and in the 20th century reframed as a psychiatric illness (Sedikides et al., 304). Such an impactful emotional process is worthy of our conscious examination.

A significant element of nostalgia’s purpose is a processing-related one. The mental-emotional experience has been theorized to create a positive outlook toward unconventional aspects of the subject's past self, increasing positive self esteem (Sedikides set al., 306). So perhaps we use this pensive reminiscence as a way to ultimately process our past selves, and contextualize the present day sense of self that our life journey has led us to.  It’s also possible that nostalgic framing allows us to glean meaning from events and experiences themselves, something that humans seem to consistently seek in the face of our awareness that our lives are finite (Sedikides et al., 306). In Nostalgia: Past, Present, and Future the authors—drawing from 2008 research findings of Routledge, Arndt, Sedikides, and Wildschut—posit that those who are prone to nostalgia perceive their life as more meaningful when confronted with an "existential threat” such as their own mortality (Sedikides at al., 306). Retrospectively it is easier to appreciate and love things about our experiences and our selves that in the moment, we couldn’t recognize in that way. Also of note, nostalgia potentially increases in frequency as we get older (Sedikides et al., 307).

A quintessential trait of nostalgic sensation is the spectrum of joyful and sad effects it can bring, including often causing a mixture of the two. Analysis by Wildschut et al. of participants’ personal narratives about nostalgic events and the feelings they elicited notes that “the simultaneous expression of happiness and sadness was more common in narratives of nostalgic events than in narratives of ordinary events” (Sedikides et al., 305). Even though this combination of feelings was associated with nostalgia, Wildschut et al. also found happiness more often brought on from nostalgic events than sadness “…though, there was evidence of bittersweetness.” Despite the bittersweet combination of the experiences, there was often a progression within the narratives from negative to a positive, creating a “redemption theme.” (Sedikides et al., 305)

Also explored in Nostalgia: Past, Present, and Future is the relationship between loneliness and nostalgia. Citing Zhou et al., the authors propose that nostalgia helps to counter negative emotions that result from loneliness (Sedikides et al., 306). Specifically, since nostalgia was observed more frequently during loneliness and higher amounts of nostalgia were also associated with the improved self esteem and a progression from negative to positive feeling mentioned earlier, Sedikides et al concluded that nostalgia helps to assuage loneliness (Sedikides et al., 306). I find this intriguing, as it frames nostalgia not as the source of difficult emotion but as the processing of and counter response to it. It seems that nostalgia is a phenomena that goes beyond recalling and missing formative or comforting experiences, places, and artifacts—it serves mental and emotional functions in the face of complex human thought and experience.

The word nostalgia is a compound of nostos (return) and algos (pain)—its origins are in Homer’s Odyssey, with Odysseus’s longing for his home and his wife Penelope (Sedikides et al., 304). Etymology-wise, suffering is baked into the word. Early on in its use, the term was associated with homesickness; an association that faded later due (in part) to recognition that nostalgia was felt about a wide variety of objects aside from one’s place of origin (Sedikides et al., 304). Though this shift in our understanding of the emotion is significant, I find its early roots in homesickness are still reflected within the tone of many nostalgic experiences—whether or not they pertain to the person’s first home. When I wistfully walk down memory lane reliving my summer camp experiences from first through sixth grade, or my time at boarding high school, I am not recalling my hometown or my family life—in fact both those examples were significant early departures from the family home I was raised in. Notes of homesickness ring through my reflection on the familiarity I developed with those places and their people, nonetheless. And I am having nostalgia for experiences that shaped my early life in fundamental ways.

Elaborating on the width of nostalgia’s scope beyond homesickness, though: I recognize that it can occasionally encompass cultural elements beyond the lived experience of the nostalgic person. One of my favorite points that Gabi Belle brings up in her nostalgia video, is that the recycling of trends from past decades (like fashion styles and haircuts) leads to a pattern where young people express that they feel nostalgic for times that they didn’t even experience personally. People born in the early-to-mid 2000’s express a sense of longing for a cultural era of the 80’s, 90’s and the turn of the century, for example (Belle). This point resonated with me in my considerations on nostalgia because it clearly illustrates that at its core, this feeling is not just about remembering a particular place, time, or experience. I would say it centers around longing, comfort, and the romanticism and perspective that only comes with being removed from something by time. As she muses when closing her video essay, “Are we averse to change? Always longing for the good ol’ days that sometimes weren’t even that good?”

Nostalgia: Past, Present, and Future regards the noted effects of nostalgia as an indication that the feeling itself counteracts negative emotion, but I am considering the relativity of that effect to feelings about present and past. In my anecdotal experience of nostalgia, at times it can lead primarily to warm fuzzy feelings, but other times it creates a positive regard for past experiences that more so elicits a sense of mourning that place, people, or past self. The latter leaves me with a more bitter-leaning sense of bittersweet longing. I experience the more positive end of nostalgia in moments of recalling my times at summer camp as an elementary and middle school aged girl, where I enjoyed sports and crafting and campfires while I also struggled with my sense of belonging socially (and at times was teased by other girls for being different.) These moments; brought on by seasonal summer sensations, old photos, or interactions on social media from camp friends, mostly leave me with that warm outlook on my younger self and happiness about my coming of age experiences in an all-girls space. That effect is not always the present-day effect of nostalgia for me, though. 

When I miss a life I lived in Brooklyn, NY—where I was often notably unwell mentally, physically, or spiritually while in the throes of addiction—I long for an idealized sense of who and where I was then. I remember some of the culture and community that I was immersed in, though in truth I often isolated myself more than I would like. I look at my vastly different self expression and presentation of the time, from my different body to my personal style of the time. I consider how many more positive experiences may have been available to me had I not been struggling so much mentally and spiritually, and had been able to appreciate my worth the way I appreciate it looking back. This nostalgia leaves me with a more bitter tasting reminiscence. While looking back at my summer camp self and seeing her more positively makes me warm and fuzzy, a kinder outlook on my past self in the years before rehab brings on remorse for how low my Brooklyn self’s sense of self-value was. I lament what I lost due to my depression, addictions, and low self worth—even though losing it was required to recover as I have today. Since nostalgia is inherently interwoven with things of the past, I think the emotional effects of experiencing nostalgia could be relative to how the present-day individual is feeling about the particular time and place they are reminiscing of. 

When I feel nostalgia for my life before I went to rehab and relocated to build sobriety, it isn’t because I wish my life hadn’t changed. It is because with time comes perspective, and a sense of comfort looking back at things that feel familiar now in a way that didn’t occur to me back then. I felt a tug on my heartstrings recently when a comedian I follow commented on the G train (my primary train line by necessity when I lived in Brooklyn) being the worst train line. The source of me being emotional wasn’t that the G was one of my best transit experiences—it was because riding the G train is a core memory that is connected to a lot of formative experiences of my early 20’s. I have an appreciation for what I learned and a lot of the creative work I did then, even if sometimes I worked on my poetry while waiting for a stalled train to start moving toward my destination again, and therefore was late for the arthouse cinema. I was living by myself, in a place I had always hoped to spend part of my life, for the first time. And that place became my home for a while. So, there are a few notes of homesickness in the memory sometimes.

As I have touched on, my nostalgia about my time around Brooklyn and Staten Island has included some of the events during severe levels of my active addiction, and people who I used with who are now in my past. What I’m describing isn’t based on a craving for the substances and unhealthy habits that I was addicted to—no, this feeling is a reminiscence of where we were together and what we shared with each other. I’m not forgetting how bleak and unstable the experience of sustained substance abuse is. I’m not proud of what those choices did to my life and people who care for me. As a recovered addict, I can’t afford to allow myself any lapses in my memory of how detrimental my addiction is, which is why I remain active in recovery programs. This unexpected strain of nostalgia is because I have learned enough to be able to look back on those experiences and people I shared them with, now better understanding what I was going through and trying to cope with. 

I was a hurt-person, trying to free myself through risky behaviors, and addiction. Along the way, I met and bonded with others over similar trauma responses and mental health troubles. Ultimately we were seeking comfort and escape with each other, and I think there is part of me that recognizes the human beauty in that. I become nostalgic for the earnest, though definitely misguided, sense of trust and belonging I found in our benders together. It’s dawning on me that the experience of nostalgia is centered around the past because it is a feeling that wouldn’t be possible if something hadn’t changed. The sentiment in itself is a response to noticing or considering what has changed, what has been left behind.

My father has told me since I was a young adolescent: “You had to be you then to be you now.” This is an important truth to understand in moments of change, when our growth is new enough that we cringe at our recent past. As life goes on, and we grow, knowing that truth creates a depth of appreciation for that which we may have at one point been eager to leave behind. And for experiences that were difficult to leave behind: it deepens our cherishing of them as we look back.

And if it is true that as we grow older, we feel nostalgic increasingly often—then I might be experiencing nostalgia on a new level now that I am 25. To many adults, 25 years old may seem quite young. But people do say this is the age where you reach cognitive maturity, don’t they?

If you too hold nostalgia for different memories that contrast each other—perhaps some are warm and fuzzy and some melancholy—I would love to hear any reflections you care to share. You can expect more personal essays and analyses of media from me moving forward! Thank you to those who follow this blog <3

Works Cited:

Belle, Gabi. How Nostalgia Controls Us. @itsgabibelle, YouTube, 11 Nov. 2022, 

https://youtu.be/U7ogXHmQ-R8?is=KHRgJjM4UtEQOT2r. Accessed 12 July 

2026. 

Sedikides, Constantine, et al. “Nostalgia: Past, Present, and Future.” Current 

Directions in Psychological Science, vol. 17, no. 5, 2008, pp. 304–307, 

http://www.jstor.org/stable/20183308. 

Williams, Hayley. “Good Ol’ Days.” Ego Death At A Bachelorette Party, Post Atlantic, 

2025. hayley williams, https://hayleywilliams.net/

I would watch the world burn

With you

But I would rather plant us a garden

And raise us a baby

A baby who could look up to you

Like I did to my Dad,

A baby who I could teach to tie their shoes

And care for their pets

I’d rather make us all pancakes on Sunday morning

But if this has to come to an apocalypse,

I’ll share the last drinking water with you

I’ll cook the last food we can find

For you

I’ll stoke the last coals of the last fire

With you

Because with you, love is different

With you I learn how much my past loves lacked.

I would watch the world sink

Into the ocean

With you

But I would rather create a world together,

I would rather steward a fresh beginning.

As she crawls up the surface of a glass door?

Does she see through?

Is there any such experience within nature for a fly to witness?

My newest muse,

A friend enamored with the veil, shared an

ad online.

There is a simulation of what death feels like,

apparently,

at a museum in Australia.

tickets available now.

I don’t believe the sound of our voices are the essence of our beings.

Or that Death is a door—perhaps a transformation.

I drink life up because I never expected to keep it in my cup, and it keeps itself sometimes.

Gorgeous subterfuge, is life.

And I will burn a new candle for all the old Gods.

You and I will keep on with the games we play,

Because we need them, admit it or not.

Love is maybe twice as strong

When it’s blaze has yet to be.

For longing takes such a grip on people,

We beg our Gods not to let us be free.

It’s 2:30 in the morning,

And that new movie has me on the blues,

Taking out my bass and practicing,

Then my headphones echo old classic queues.

One’s that sing: they want part time lovers,

Who will always be there, but who they can leave.

Or “Black Magic Woman” covers,

And souls crying for reprieves. 

I wonder why B.B., he sang,

So I let him tell me history.

Why’d you call, when my phone rang? 

We can pretend that it’s a mystery.

I had a sanguine Saturday, 

Shared of my spirit, shared of my mind.

What I did I did right, I would say.

I kept my body to myself, I treated it kind.

Daddy I think I love the blues,

It does get repetitive sometimes.

I think I’m hooked on being sober.

I’m honey, red sand, sage, and thyme.

In the apartment kitchen, Alice took a tall glass down from the cupboard and filled it with the reddish tinged, drab liquid from the carton. It was thick, and the half-ghoul stirred it with a fork before taking a gulp. Every day it seems the formula leaves a taste in their throat that is more bitter than the day before. 

“I slept.” Alice said, “Still dre…

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Brigid’s been visiting me when I’m alone,

Gnats swarm in the air

As ants feast on a chicken bone—

☾

The Summer is coming.

☾

Going to my meeting, I walk by the canals.

Jerry calls this way the scenic route—

He refers to me as “one of his gals”

☾

A path not slower, but more lovely.

I smell the blossoms in bloom,

Copeland and Blunt are in my ears.

Nature offers us the sweetest perfumes,

☾

And deep sorrow or bliss the most beauty.

☾

Patience today, and always humility

I strive for such things but can claim only progress

We discussed signs: such as responsibility

☾

Also adherence—well, this one I celebrated

☾

Earlier today: ice cream and a lake’s breeze

With my sister, my built-in best friend.

Our hours together pass with ease

☾

We marked my time clean, a photo for Da.

☾

I’m waiting on your message—you stay on my mind.

I watch the birds and squirrels forage, a new day is rising.

I drink my coffee, attempting to hold the peace I find.

In the air, the cool of morning, even in my heart’s pining.

I went into this film without knowing anything about it besides the cast, and it was an amazing experience. I was blown away; from the opening narration through the credits. Written, directed, and produced by Ryan Coogler; Sinners is an award worthy and well-shot exhibit of Black Excellence. Michael B. Jordan is a blazing flame, playing the “Smokestack twins” (nicknamed Smoke and Stack) with precision and attention to the details that make the identical brothers unique. Smoke is more severe, his brother’s protector and a no-nonsense businessman and killer. Stack is more carefree: he is his brother’s cigarette roller and a former pimp who takes a lot of risks. These two act together with both the psychic connection often shared by twins, and with swift reflexes that kept them alive while at war in Germany. The non-supernatural elements of the plot set a magnetic stage for a compelling story. Smoke and Stack return to the hometown of their troubled youth with a business venture in mind: to open their own juke joint. Furthermore, both brothers return to complex loves, left behind for different reasons. These romance subplots enrich and amplify the horror to come. 

For their club’s opening night entertainment; Smoke and Stack enlist their younger cousin, Sammie (Miles Caton,) a young sharecropper with a fierce passion for playing the blues, and the skills to match it. They also bring in Slim, an old piano and harmonica player, to keep their guests dancing. Within a day they get together everything they need for a smashing success of an opening night. 

But, naturally, all can’t go smoothly for such a crew. Looming threats include the klan, and of course, the vampire who comes to town—drawn by music so fine and true that it pierces the veil between life and death. 

Every character in this film was crucial in their own way, big or small—but Wunmi Mosaku’s character, Annie, must be acknowledged. Without Annie’s root work and her knowledge of the paranormal, passed down from mother to daughter, no character could have survived the night. She’s the one to tell the group what they are dealing with, how to keep it at bay, and how to kill it. Her romance with Smoke and their loss of a baby before the film’s start also deepened the audience’s investment in the characters and story. 

Also pivotal, of course, are Sammie and his guitar. He is just as much the protagonist as Smoke and Stack are, and it is he who blurs the lines between the earth and the spirit realm through the sheer soulfulness of his playing and singing. After seeing this film I have no doubt that Miles Caton is fated for greatness. I found myself feeling Sammie’s hopes, hunger, and heart on a highly personal level. To see his character’s progression was both satisfying and tear-inspiring. 

In summary: this film has everything you could ask of it. History, myth, love, sex, fear, blood, and even several solid laughs. These elements struck the perfect balance, for me. I will certainly be watching it again, and urge you to get a ticket to see it on the big screen if you can. It’s one of those movie experiences that is just worth going to the theatre for.

https://www.fandango.com/sinners-2025-237956/movie-overview

A Black boy in new boots that are too big. A dead mother’s ghost in the corner of his eye. A smart older sister, lusted after by a wealthy white boy. A recipe for disaster. Tananarive Due’s novel The Reformatory: a tale that is equal parts illuminating, horrifying, and transcendental. It brought me to tears. Robbie, our protagonist, is inspired by the author’s real life ancestor. He, like the fictional Robbie, suffered the trials of a morally reprehensible reform school in the twisted depths of the American south. (The real school which The  Reformatory sheds light on was the Dozier School for Boys.)

Robbie’s crime, for which he is sentenced to six months at the Gracetown School for Boys, is merely kicking a bigger and stronger boy in the leg for persisting in his unwanted advances on Robbie’s sister, Gloria. There is no trial, a judge determines his fate in minutes. 

Not only are the boys at the school beaten, sold out for labor, and some are even sexually abused—the place is haunted by the wayward souls of boys who died there. Many of them perished in a fire which was no accident, but there are others as well. 

Due switches perspective throughout the novel, between Robbie, Gloria, and Warden Haddock of the Reformatory. Therefore, each character’s sections carry their own voice and style. The author does well capturing the innocence of Robbie, the intelligence and sense of Gloria, and the complete psychopathy of Haddock. This is a highly effective way to both present the facts of the story, and give the reader a strong sense of who these characters are internally. 

The Reformatory  expertly lays out the complex experience of racism that Black folk face (throughout the country but in the south particularly.) 

“Florida's soil is soaked with so much blood, it's a wonder the droplets don't seep between your toes with every step, Mama used to say.”

Tananarive Due does not shy away from the brutality of anti-blackness, yet the story offers hope, magic, and resilience in addition to the bigotry, sorrow, and haunting it depicts. I found that I grew attached not only to Robbie and Gloria and their dream to escape their situation and find their father in Chicago, but also to Robbie’s best friend Redbone. Robbie meets Redbone and a boy named Blue at the Gracetown School for Boys, and both characters are pivotal to the story. Redbone’s humorous nature plays a key role in helping Robbie make it through his days at Gracetown, as does learning to play the trumpet in band class. These experiences give Robbie and the reader a reprieve from the horror.  I was completely caught up in Robbie’s struggle to maintain his hope of escape and survival; and in Gloria’s careful contemplation of the lessons that her father, a Black union organizer who was run out of town, imparted. Gloria’s observations of the world she moves through juxtaposed with the revolutionary sentiments of her father paint a vivid picture of a smart girl reckoning with an illogically racist society. 

Furthermore, I appreciated Due’s sympathetic portrayal of haints (spirits.) Robbie is afraid of the haints in the school at first, but he has profound experiences of being joined by the spirits during moments of abuse. They whisper to him of how they died and what they have seen. Robbie comes to see them as cautionary figures and as his peers rather than as monsters. This created a significant tension in the narrative when Robbie was forced to hunt haints on behalf of the abusive Warden Haddock, because he felt guilt for doing so, and fear that the spirit of his mother and the comfort that she brings him will be taken away if she is near when another haint is caught and turned to dust. Setting free the spirits trapped in the place of their abuse becomes a central goal of the novel in addition to Robbie’s own escape. 

In closing, this novel is a story of strength and adaptability—as well as being a writer’s own reckoning with her family’s trauma. Due clearly put in the work while researching the Dozier School for Boys as well as the life of the true Robbie. Through her skills in her craft of writing, she also created a more positive conclusion for the fictional Robbie than the reality of her ancestor. All of this is achieved while honoring the trials and suffering of the real life Dozier School inhabitants and portraying the challenges of a renegade family in Jim Crow Florida. I highly recommend this novel to all readers who appreciate history, the supernatural, and skilled storytelling in general. 

https://bookshop.org/p/books/the-reformatory/18860170

I think I love a multitude of people,

In some meaning of the word.

I love the way souls connect like

hands grasping through the pitch black night,

Fingers finding fingers, skin finding hope in skin.

The same way, sometimes, a room goes silent as a poet reads;

chatter fading the moment people realize

They are hearing their own story through another’s words.

Or their mother’s story, their brother’s secret.

Or there is a feeling underneath the words that stops them in their tracks;

A whisper of something forgotten.

I love them in the way the sink in the art classroom in school was beautiful.

Layers, years on years of lingering drips of paint, splatters of bristles

Perhaps once stains when they stood

on their own, but together a kaleidoscopic explosion of creativity~

of service.

Countless classes learning to

maintain the tools they use

while they learn to bring their ideas from the ether

to this plane we live on.

Cafe owners and painters and accountants and couch surfers, back then just kids in school

That is to say, all the same.

Coming to know from the snapping lectures of the art teacher,

And maybe a ruined brush or two:

What shared resources are~

What satisfaction comes when the paint is drying on the canvas and your clean brushes and palette are dripping on the rack by the sink.

The sink that reminds you how many hands

have learned to sculpt at these tables,

How many eager bodies have sat on these  stools,

Collaging, sketching, learning to mix shades of acrylic, maybe even oil.

Shows you how some messes become beautiful

Through some chaos of connection.

I love,

and I marvel.

for this vastness is hard to grasp.

“Bruno, no…” groaned the half-ghoul, whose name was Alice.

Alice wriggled their feet under the covers, away from the dog’s invasive tongue. In response, Bruno trotted from the fo…

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Being nine months sober

(Besides the weed,)

I thought I was fine.

In truth my heart and mind were heavy,

Swollen with sickness.

Soon enough, a hurdle brought me sprawling—

and I was back to my reckless ways.

Before I knew it methamphetamine, 

with her shining bat wings and

her fangs of crystal, 

was lurking over my shoulder again.

All it took was a new trauma, and those fangs were in

my neck before I knew it—

I was inhaling her breathe as I embraced a lover who stung me; 

who left me, always, paranoid of abandonment.

He covered his face when he went out.

He spoke to people who no one else could see.

He met me the night I was raped by another,

and swore the same hour that he loved me.

He dealt in that faulty remedy,

which I had tangled with before,

I cut off all my other lovers,

and he never charged me when we smoked.

Weeks passed and I found myself in shambles,

withdrawing and in denial.

Unable to sleep as the voices swirled around me.

I still had a friend though, and I still had a family.

They got me packed up 

out of the city within a day.

I cursed at myself for admitting I needed help—for tearing

myself from Dark Lady Tina and my twisted companion.

For days I slept in my mother’s guest room,

as my father strove to find a facility.

Then, there I was—in rehab (exactly where? I wasn’t sure.)

There something happened, a thing I did not expect.

Relief found me, water after months of thirst.

I found my heart now open, yearning to connect 

with a Higher Power who it had shunned as of late.

Higher Power—the love that connects all things

Higher Power: The energy that works it’s magic through the vessels 

of every thing in existence.

I found that there is a path forward, there is another

who looks over my shoulder—not the glimmering demon

of intoxication, or the numb zombie of lethargy;

but a spirit of light, guiding my instincts

Supporting my every step toward 

a cleaner house, 

a lusher pasture.

My job is to put care into each moment.

My job is to be present in each step I take.

How many impulses I’ve allowed to fire at once,

I find myself reflecting on this life I live,

This many-sided story that is not at all like the movies, where plot unfolds piece by piece,

And each premise is eventually concluded, drawn to a close with an outcome

Which, whether good or bad, satisfies.

As I prepare to sleep,

Leaving my big decisions for tomorrow,

I think of the reality.

How poems are left unread, and questions left unanswered.

How this life is filled with broken stories that never get an ending,

And how I am but one woman, who must choose between one conclusion and another--

Who can travel but one path at a time.

My heart is a mutant spider with many spinnerets,

But my body and mind eventually face the reckoning--must choose which strands to sever

Or else be tangled in my own lacework.

Tonight I saw the film No Other Land, created by Basel Adra, Yuval Abraham, Hamdan Ballal, and Rachel Szar. The film documents the struggle of the Palestinian villages of Masafar Yatta, as the people fight to keep their homes while Israeli soldiers continuously demolish them. The IDF members declare the land to be legally designated as military training grounds, though it is revealed towards the end of the film that the reason for establishing these training grounds was too prevent the Arab community from expanding. (As was discovered via secret Israeli government documents.)

The film is deeply moving, from the display of Basel’s Father Nasser’s unwavering spirit and belief in his people, to the moments when Israeli soldiers shoot protesters and villagers refusing to give up their building supplies. The people of Masafar Yatta hold out for years. Some of them livie in caves and rebuild homes (and a school) in secret at night. They hold out because this is the only land they have, they don’t have elsewhere to go. If they give up their homes and move into crowded cities as renters, those homes are forever lost.

The primary storytellers in the film, Basel (a native) and Yuval (an Israeli journalist,) document these demolitions and the resistance to them primarily for one reason: to get the attention of mainstream media and of citizens around the world—so that perhaps people can spur change. The sharing of the story is in and of itself an act of resistence for which, at times, they risk their lives.

This leaves me with the question—what will we, who have recieved their message, do? We owe it to the people of Masafar Yatta, and Palestinians as a whole, to do everything in our power to oppose their ongoing persecution. We must support the outlets that disperse this information, we must show up wherever and whenever we can to tell our leaders that we do not condone this occupation. That we do not approve for our tax dollars to be spent to further the eviction and the killing of innocent Palestinians, Arabs, and their supporters/allies. I will admit that while I have attended protests for the movement in support of Palestinians in the past, I have often not attended due to the feeling that doing so wouldn’t make a difference. That to protest at that particular location would not have any effect on their struggle. Even that to oppose this genocide would make no difference in a country where both political parties have by and large supported Israel’s military efforts.

This film has shifted my perspective. Regardless of the degree of impact, if the people of Masafar Yatta could find the courage to protest in their villages three times a week—protesting the occupation, the eviction, the shooting and resulting paralysis of one of their community members, the inhibition of their people from simply leading lives and having homes—who am I not to protest?

Surely the least I can do is show my support for a people who remain dedicated to their homeland in the face of what many would see as a hopeless situation. Show my elected officials that my expectation of them as an American citizen is that they oppose these military actions; that they do what is in their power to lessen or end our supplying weapons and funding to this occupation.

Who would I be to avert my eyes? To stay inside with the doors locked? To pretend it has nothing to do with me? Basel reminds Yuval, in the film, that this has been happening for decades and that to resist requires patience. Later he says that one drop of water does not make a change, but if you continue little by little with more drops of water, eventually there is change.

Not only do I ask who would I be to ignore this issue, I also ask what kind of world will be left if we excuse such actions? What will we say if someone comes to our homes, and tells us it is now illegal to live there? What place will any of us have left go, if we bend to a will that says people don’t have a right to the land they have tended for generations, the right to water, the right to a home? Land is a limited resource, so where will we all go if we allow people in power to condone armies expelling peoples from their homelands, and erasing their stories?

Do not condone. Do not lock yourself in your home. Do not avert your eyes.

https://releasing.dogwoof.com/no-other-land

https://www.unicefusa.org/stories/gaza-ceasefire-unicef-urges-unimpeded-humanitarian-access?form=FUNHAFZDMVA&utm_source=sem&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=_dep-re_vendor-delve_aoma-ao_mcapm-2025Gaza_scapm-HelpScaleResponse&initialms=_source-sem_medium-cpc_campaign-_dep-re_vendor-delve_aoma-ao_mcapm-2025Gaza_scapm-HelpScaleResponse_yeardate-fy25_aud-ma&gad_source=1&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIlJnl2bjTiwMV-lBHAR34Ji_cEAAYAiAAEgJk2PD_BwE

Such a sweet girl,

devoted and inquisitive.

Snuggled beside us in a curl,

Sighing heavily when attention was elusive.

Lucinda, schnoot, Lucifer,

In many ways we loved her.

She was ever protective of us,

and by many names we called her.

There is no doubt that she adored her pack,

But she was never more excited

than when her Daddy Arnon came back

After being gone, and they were reunited.

She loved to run and frolic,

Always the best tug of war partner

I have no doubt her playful spirit runs free,

Through realms I merely dream of.

Distorted murk I dove into, too many times

—How did I live there?

My sponsor reminded me last night

I ought to be dead, and yet I survive

A clarity has beckoned me, I once averted

out of fright

Crystalline, I see the ways I’ve clawed

to sink my nails into something that might

witness me, love me, though I am flawed

Clawed, only to find another open door,

leading to night air, to a bittersweet breeze

Discouraged, always, to find there was more

Only now,

That my mind is clear

That my soul is free

That my heart can feel

Only now

Can I see that

The love I sought was always here.

I only wish to share it now,

with them,

with you, if you’ll allow.

Wishing only to care for it now,

I can breathe life into coals,

I will show you how.

Social Science and Cultural Studies, Pratt Institute

SS-210: General Psychology

Prof. Hunter Kincaid

March 24, 2022

What Makes a Role Model? Influences on Observational Learning

The importance of representation for various groups is being increasingly recognized culturally, often on the basis of presenting role models for similar people to identify with. In my own life, perceptions of what I could and could not feasibly do certainly have been related to the people and environments I associated the given activities with, and I have noticed a similar trend in many other people I meet. However, it has never been easy to pinpoint exactly what was influencing these perceptions—I also have various recollections of being resistant to suggestions that  particular people should be role models to me for one demographic reason or another. At the same time I can’t deny that my relationship with academia has shifted greatly since coming to college, where I have been presented with numerous professors with interests or experiences similar to my own, LGBTQ identities, and career paths I am considering—while being active in their respective fields. Everyone is a role model—but the nuanced dynamics that learners have in relation to a variety of traits in observed role models, and the context of the model-learner relationship, create significant variation in the resulting motivation of (and impressions on) the learner. 

This is anecdotally apparent in many demographic aspects of learners’ identities, like gender, age, or race—but the complexity of possible factors of influence go far beyond initially notable elements. To better understand this nuance, it is necessary to consider foundational learning development, understandings of social dynamics in childhood and adult life, and selective learning—whether conscious or unconscious. In order to go beyond the more surface level aspects of identifying with a role model, I looked into processes at play in learning from observation of models, and included some information about less conscious aspects of following the example of another. 

Foundations: Imitating, Integrating, and Discriminating

While my interest spans across learners of different age groups, children are a useful group to consider due to their unique position as learners and the level of research into their development. The role of social and cultural identity in children’s selective learning shows us a lot about the way learners relate to teachers and role models. According to Berger (1971), “relevance” of a role model to the learner was found to be a determining factor in their retention and perseverance when learning by observation. The context of this research was the study of partial reinforcement in observational learning of another—a model well established to be more effective than continuous reinforcement in direct learning, which remained true in observational learning particularly when the model was relevant (Berger, 1971). Relevance in Berger’s research was fairly specific to the experiment setting—the model was either presented as a peer or as an assistant working on the experiment. But what about real life factors of relevance? Koenig and Sabbagh (2013) have explored this relationship in their research. 

“By carefully examining the information speakers provide as well as the nature of the learner, we are starting to get a sense for the active role that children play in their own conceptual development and knowledge acquisition.” (Koenig & Sabbagh, 400)

According to the studies they reviewed, the way young learners respond to speakers who give inaccurate information is an important component in understanding selective reception of second-hand knowledge. Their research shows that children do not blindly trust the words of others—but the complexity of potential factors that young learners could be identifying in an inaccurate speaker makes it difficult to pinpoint the basis for selective learning. 

Aside from distinctly epistemic factors—such as those indicated to learners by the relationship between the stated information and the observable world; factors like social group status, cultural beliefs and understandings of conventions are also at play (Koenig & Sabbagh, 2013). For example, an inaccurate source who calls a ball a shoe could be mistrusted because they are breaching communication norms by being untruthful, perhaps they are going against established norms in a given language community—and to make such a statement boldly without recognition of error is strange and unexpected (Koenig & Sabbagh, 2013). The socio-cultural component indicated here inspired further examination into the importance of normative and socially pertinent traits in a role model—including perception of accurate speakers with non-normative accents (Koenig & Sabbagh, 2013). One report showed that similarity or familiarity of an informant can be another influence on the extent that children learn from that person—potentially despite the speaker’s accuracy, though Koenig and Sabbagh caution over-generalizing this point. They advise that these types of findings can inform us on sensitivity to the factor at hand, but that we should not conclude that children learn less from non-native speakers if a native-accented speaker is shown preference in a particular case. Koenig and Sabbagh particularly note that null findings should not be used as conclusive evidence of insensitivity either, and acknowledge that new methods might be necessary to isolate the type of information being examined in that area. 

There remains a lot to be learned about the stage of development in which learners begin showing selectiveness (Koenig & Sabbagh, 2013). We begin imitating others during infancy. Though mirroring basic gestures may seem simple, replicating another’s behavior requires the imitator to translate an observed sensory input into their own motor program (Catmur et al., 2009). During research into the way humans solve a challenge in this translation, known as the correspondence problem, scholars found links between experiences in early development and our ability to surpass the challenge so well (Catmur et al., 2009). As explained by Catmur et al., human ability to bridge this gap was initially thought to be innate, but the increasing evidence backing the key role of foundational experiences indicates it is developed—a model known as associative learning theory (or ASL). 

“If the ASL model is correct, human imitation is not only a channel, but also a product of cultural inheritance.” (Catmur et al., 2376)

To me this emphasizes both the depth and personal nature involved in learning from observation—which seems potentially related to individuals’ subconscious perspectives in learning by observation. Koenig and Sabbagh consider that selectiveness might begin at the level of encoding information—but their research also suggests learners could weigh the options at the point of recall, actively deciding to reject the option from a speaker they select against. It could also be a combination of the two—while such questions are accounted for in some of the literature, there is variation in findings and conclusions drawn (Koenig & Sabbagh, 2013). These deeply rooted elements of learning are foundational in the realm of role model identification.

The Goldilox Element: Identifying Learner with Role Model 

Student identification with role models can be studied in terms of two categories, as explored by Gladstone and Cimpian (2021). Role model moderators are characteristics in a role model that influence students’ motivation in the field—STEM, in the case of Gladstone and Cimpian’s research. The primary categories in this research of role model traits are competence, similarity to students, and attainability of the role model’s career path. Role model moderators can be considered in relation to student models—primarily race/ethnicity, gender, and age—in order to study the impact of the interaction between these categories (Gladstone & Cimpian, 2021). The primary elements of this framework are consistent with factors highlighted by Abbasianchavari and Moritz (2020) in their work on entrepreneurial role models. Similarity to the learner—in terms of age, gender, field of work, and skills (among other factors) were found to enhance role model impacts (Abbasianchavari & Moritz, 2020).

Gladstone and Cimpian acknowledge that the intersection of these moderators couldn’t be fully explored in their analysis, but the demonstrated overlap in their findings remained significant to me despite this. Attainability is a nuanced and important aspect of role-model impact, and interacts with the demographic and competence related results (Gladstone & Cimpian, 2021). Competence seems to be a motivation-increasing factor “up to a point” because, while competent role models are more inspiring to students (particularly when similarity is also present), competence described as extraordinary can seem unattainable, thus demotivating (Gladstone & Cimpian, 2021). Several studies reviewed by Gladstone and Cimpian indicated that introducing an in-group role model who is presented as competent increases student performance and motivation—especially when they have similar interests and personal backgrounds. On the other hand, one study in their research found that when female undergraduates were presented with female STEM role models described as “exceptional” (compared to those of average competence), the students’ identification with math and their math performance decreased. 

Considering the cultural emphasis on high-achieving role models as representation to inspire people, the fact that “superstars” can often have the opposite effect—discouraging people of similar identities who are average in comparison is pertinent (Lockwood & Kunda, 1997). The attainability element explored by Gladstone and Cimpian aligns with Lockwood and Kunda’s work, which also identified attainability as the determining factor between learners being inspired or discouraged by superstars.

This is interesting to compare to analyses of entrepreneurial role models, where successful models seemed generally to be encouraging (Abbasianchavari & Moritz, 2020). While Abbasianchavari and Moritz’s work explored the impact of societal stereotypes on career interests, including gendered disparities in the amount of role models and social support, I wonder whether the attainability element presents in the same way across different fields of expertise. These comparisons raise questions for me about Berger’s work on partial reinforcement in observational learning, and its potential relationship to more personal aspects of identifying with role models. The threshold for perceived attainability in role models seems nuanced—Gladstone and Cimpian outline a variety of reasons for instances of role models “backfiring.” For example, one study where backfiring occurred suggested that a sample of ninth-grade Israeli girls were scared by the advanced and unfamiliar concepts discussed by female scientists and engineers, or the challenges they described facing in a male-dominated field (Gladstone & Cimpian, 2021). In another study with a sample of US middle school girls, the researcher attributed backfire to the stereotypical feminine presentation of the female STEM role models presented, as the combination of this presentation and the male-dominated field may seem more unattainable (Gladstone & Cimpian, 2021).

I would be remiss not to emphasize the difference in attainability and relevance based impacts between different demographics. Though most of the studies reviewed by Gladstone and Cimpian used subjects from underrepresented groups, the literature that separated subjects by gender and race/ethnicity highlighted a key finding. There appears to be a distinctly narrower range of effectively motivating role models for students in underrepresented groups than majority group students (Gladstone & Cimpian, 2021). The authors clarify that this doesn’t mean outgroup role models are ineffective for marginalized students, and as formerly demonstrated—in group role models are not always more motivating. It is quite noteworthy though, that outgroup role models were found “usually motivating for majority group students” and there was no suggestion that in group role models demotivated them (Gladstone & Cimpian, 2021).

In many ways, the existing knowledge on the impact of role models—whether that means teachers, superstars, or the every-person as a role model—aligns with anecdotal and experienced based understandings. At the same time, much of it highlights ways that we can easily maintain the same flaws we are trying to counter if we oversimplify these factors. To me, the heavy influence of attainability is both understandable and unfortunate—after all, attainability itself is somewhat in the eye of the learner, and is determined by many of the same factors that create inequality in effective role models. The increasing amount of research and attention to the nuanced variables at play is encouraging, and demonstrates potential to compensate for these impacts in learning spaces—whether they be of the academic or day-to-day life variety.

I want to watch mist rise off a lake with you,

Camp in a field and drink your words

like elixir

Even after everything I’ve been through,

I still want to find out what makes you tick, sir

Do you hold your heart behind closed doors,

And would you think me crazy if mine were in my outstretched hand?

I’m not saying I’ve made up my mind,

but I have an intuition, if you understand.

I like the way you talk,

I like the way you move,

I love that little smile,

You don’t have much to prove.

My affection is consistent,

Once I’m sure, I do not play.

I think you can be more than a muse,

and I won’t get in your way.