Searching for truth in its chapters 
Because I know it'd be harder 
To find in the world.

On my knees, for once I'm not chasing 
After selfish gain or lust
But this time, I hope to give thanks 
To the One would gave his own life 
To save mine.

To whose will all space & time 
Would bend, I wish to meet Him 
In the sky & find the kind of peace 
I know this plane can never provide. 

Paved with streets of gold
Crowded with saints both old & new
All in one place, with no pleas to give 
Requests to make
Or dreams to chase after. 

There won't be any hearts to mend
Deadlines to meet 
Or books to read over, because in that place
My only goal 
Will be to serve MY SAVIOUR. 

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Once upon a time

We built castles you set down by the sea

Even though it went against

My template, I let you lead me astray still.

Once upon a time

You’d promise dreams that never saw daylight

Cozy in your illusions, I only left with

The regret of being caught in a spell you cast.

Once upon a time

The wicked witch found a new partner to help

Stir up chaos in every lover’s life

But I’m not a hater if I just want to ruin yours.

Once upon a time

Your friends kept a target on my back, before

I was only a stranger to them, but now

Since you’re dead, they want to know who I am.

Once upon a time

The wind carried a wish of mine to my last star

Through my cell walls, lately I wonder why

I’d lost myself in you on the way to finding me.

Once upon a time

History made it hard to face facts, you weren’t

All I made you out to be, just a wolf

Lost in the woods, finding a cause in hearts hurt.

Once upon a time

Rereading our story left me with a paper cut, not

That many laughs to remember, I only want

To burn the book we gave the title “forever” now.

written in antithesis to:

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You owe me a cheque

Yes, I'd rather get payback

Violence became the only answer

When I put your actions into question.

There's no other way it'd go

Your head on the pavement

A hammer in my hand

Saw you like a nail, I hit the wall

So hard I made thunder.

I came at you like a skater without a helmet

Now I've got witnesses around me like fans

You're where the beginning of my end starts.

Police officers know more about my life

Than you ever cared to ask over your needs

Lost my voice trying to speak in screams

Because I wanted silence all to myself again.

Now they're calling me a nutcase on the run

I owe credit for the worst of my life to you.

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When we grow up 
I might find heaven in a home 
Only if you promise
To be my forever roommate. 

Seated on a wooden bench I didn't trust 
Bronze eyes shyly shade a sketch 
I don't have the courage to admit is great 
But know deep down I'd kill to own. 

Your fingers grace the margins 
With colour so gently, I'd feel so lucky 
If I was in the place of that paper. 

My once lone shadow 
Found a partner in yours, as we told stories
By the campfire, warmed up 
In a sleeping bag we nested in like little birds. 

Falling leaves couldn't compete 
With the way your voice would meet my ears 
So softly, sometimes the thought 
Of not knowing you keeps me up at night. 

Long after the fire burns out 
& you go to sleep holding a novel, you'd read 
All day that I'd likely get nothing out of
But still, makes me open up my heart's pages. 

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My faith didn’t matter then

I’d wear your words like verses

You want to live on in memory.

Learnt to take your cross off

Each time you’d kiss me, it must be freeing

Living a life of sin in my arms.

I’ll be dead longer than I’ve been alive

So I might as well take the risk

Of your father knowing our shadow selves.

He wouldn’t let us in the church again

& you wouldn’t play the piano during service

Like you did the first time our eyes met.

If he knew what we did in your basement

His words would be as abominable as us

I think he’d blame his anger on me though.

I’m not sure how my boxers left my legs

By mistake, you were my first time, but in your eyes

I was just another mate checked off a list.

Knew your way around my body like we shared it

There’s something shaking here, maybe

It’s fear walking out or the disgust they made mine.

Taught to carry shame & not treat it like a bandaid

Everyone can see I’m my own worst critic

Including you, I wonder how long you’ll take to leave.

Maybe on the other side, there’s freedom waiting

To make its face known, my love’s been on

The fast track to hell since I led you into temptation.

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I tried so hard to be an angel

You didn’t know how to treat the good

In your life, you weren’t able

To let light in without calling your shadow

& I thought that was my fault.

I tried to be the one carrying

Your wings over my head, a broken halo

Being the only thing left to me

Because you only let me hold onto my pain

At night, it felt worse unshared.

I tried to be an easy page for you

To read, like scripture you’d come back to

For guidance when loss felt heavy

I hoped to be the one you rushed to call back

But you forgot I was there waiting.

I tried to see you as a boy divine

But that might have given a liar too much life

Than he should’ve known, because

You can’t meet me without meeting you first

I wish I didn’t care as much as I do.

I tried to make you see me as more

Than what I could offer, but you’d never settle

For half, asking for more than I’d give

Gauge my pain like it's weightless, self worth

Meant nothing not coming from you.

I tried my hardest to carry your cross

& not let my hurt stain us as much as I felt it

But I couldn’t hide your words bruising

Yet I wanted more because my love is selfish

You know that I can’t live without you.

my inspirations:

NOT AN ANGEL BY HEARTBROKEN

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PSA:

yearners!! it's weird speaking directly to y'all without using metaphors like in the crahsouts i usually write, lol.

thank you to everyone that chose to stick with me this far…though now, i want to try something different.

not really dropping what made you stay here in the first place, but playing in the pool a bit.

i want to try my hand at essays and see how it goes. though, I will still deliver my usual work alongside it.

in fact, not long after this post goes up, a new piece will go up too!!

me saying was just to make the change known. in case i choose to continue with the essays, lol.

but either ways, here we go…

birthday depression is real.

and I'm no stranger to it. really I'm not unfamiliar with the feeling in general.

you guys can call it seasonal depression that goes away with time, but honestly for me that shit follows my shadow around through all four seasons, lol.

that was some dark humor, I'm just okay.

but on a serious note, I just turned 20.

the big two zero.

C,XOXO is so underrated. check it out!!! you might just be surprised 🥲

as soon as I turned 19 last year, I'd already become really self conscious about turning a year older afterwards. my brain COULD NOT CHILL.

and for some strange reason, I always thought i was going to exit life's chat before I ever got to see it happen again.

maybe it's because most of the media i watched growing up was centered around teenagers, so my imagination didn't really prepare itself or envision a life beyond that.

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i was honestly cool with just living out my High School Musical fantasy (which i didn't get, yes delulu queen) and letting the credits roll, for real.

but I guess there's more in store for me since my story isn't over yet, despite the attempts of many of Adam's children (esp the XYs).

I'm not dead, so I'm not done is a Kali Uchis lyric from a collab she did with SZA.

and honestly that thought lifts me up sometimes when i think of why I'm even choosing to hold onto this life line still.

it doesn't work every time. but it really is a great song.

you should check it out too!!

what's meant for me won't miss me, and so i figure there's a reason God has added another year to my life, when others haven't even gotten the chance to see the number of sunsets I've witnessed.

it's something special i take for granted sometimes i feel.

life isn't easy, but I think maybe it's still something to be grateful for. but idk.

my age is starting to show on my face, and I don't like it. kids are starting to call me uncle, and it's weird.

I've always been self critical and aware of my form, and how much of an impression my presentation might make on others, esp strangers for some strange reason.

not the rhymes, rappers step aside

i tend to care a lot about what people think of me. responsibilities come with the visibility as well, and idk how to take that. it's a lot of pressure.

because i don't want to be seen as acting anything but my age. and maybe that's why I clung so hard to being a teenager.

because there was a formula. or at least several paths I could take, drawn out for me by the shows I'd watch grow up. i just had to find the path that tickled my fancy most.

and i found it. or better said, it was assigned to me.

the nerd. and high-key sometimes, teacher's pet.

my mom is a teacher too btw, i love herrrr...she's so whimsical and smart, she's my inspo.

most of secondary school, that was my identity. that was the role i played.

and despite me not knowing what the hell I was doing most times, it actually just ended up working out for me in the end somehow.

still, even then, every time results would be announced in class, i had this crippling fear that that day in particular would bring my end.

this was when I'd "fall off." this was when the illusion would crack. this was when I wouldn't end up being who everyone else thought I'd be.

because if they didn't tell me who I am, I'd have no identity.

it was a lot of outsourcing going on, and in some ways, it still comes back even now. and with the way I've been flopping in uni??

ohhhhhh, the version of me i once knew who'd top his class might be long gone. my mom must just get another minor heartattack if she saw the marks I'm getting now.

yes, that did happen once in secondary, it's a true story

but I'm trying still. and idk if that's enough.

trying to be better for myself.

trying to find out who I am outside people's limits.

trying to let joy in my life like a kid would.

trying not to feel threatened by the fear of loss.

even if that loss is my teenhood. because honestly that might just be life making space for more.

those years are still mine. i can reminisce and turn back the clock in my mind as much as i want. but that won't make the actual hands of time change for me.

because those years are gone. and i might have to make peace with the void they left behind.

now, I hope my twenties can fill that space and treat my flaws better than my inexperienced, younger self ever could.

also maybe add a little more self compassion and forgiveness to the cart, bc this really is the first time I'm being this age

so to future me, wherever you are, and how ever you're doing, all I can hope for is... do better for us.

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Usually, I'm not one
To fall for a highschool romance
But lately my notepad 
Has had your name in it more times
Than any math equation has.

Our teacher asks me questions 
I nearly give your name as an answer to.
As much as it's uncool to admit
I know if you ever saw the visions held 
Within the corners of my mind 
You'd see me run to you with open arms
Smiling across a soccer field. 

When I was twelve
I'd write your name in cursive 
Just so the way each letter sat on page lines
Could at least try to come close 
To the image of the soul that inspired them.
With fingers crossed under my desk
I tell a friend of mine you bully that I hate you too. 

But hold me in your hand 
Like the pencil I lent you 
But never asked to get back.
Give me all the joy these fours walls
Never got to afford me fully.
& make me feel so much younger
Than nineteen years old. 

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When we’d talk, your lips checked their pace

Each time, I caught myself staring

In awe at how it felt like you picked each word

Out like a rose, handled with care

So my fingertips never got to know its thorns.

Time helps the garden we built grow

With fences I put up, you respect me enough

Not to cross over without asking first

I hate how you know when I need your help

& give it even when I hesitate to ask.

With the way our branches move, it’s clear

To see that in another life, we may

Have shared a last name on paper, maybe

Even one mind on steady shoulders

I like how living worlds apart made us different.

No one else’s words can keep me grounded

Like yours do, I’d read them again

The way a writer would their favorite love story

Giving me balance without tipping

The scales that make me feel safe when we hug.

With our lighthouse, I found my way out the fog

Just to see you shine again, always

There to lend a hand out the storm without ever

Making me feel in debt to pay back

I find a warmth in your smile lacking in most.

Just don’t choose to leave me like the rest do

I’m much but maybe worth the trouble

More of me gets lost in new things I learn about you

Not really a mystery or an open book

Just a boy letting me in while he figures himself out.

I like how when we’d talk, your questions don’t ask

Much of me, I feel held by your presence

& see no need for performance or applause, once

I draw my curtains back & share secrets

Mutual friends don’t know, like how much I like you.

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Let me wear a fake smile out, one last time 
I wouldn't be dressed without it 
When I watch you lie to me like it's a reflex. 
Each new word held less weight 
Even the three you'd say that made my world. 

Whoever kept them in the script has a sense 
Of humour that's only left me in tears 
Each time you'd share a joke you should've kept
& I thought myself crazy for thinking 
Why I'd fall under the weight of your thoughts. 

When all the while, you caused every moment 
Of panic, the chase was what you wanted 
My sweat on my brow, making me more of a mess 
So I'd be more like you, it wasn't scripted 
When this actor broke code & all the hurt felt real. 

At least the rest left stabs in my back, where 
I could only feel them, but our knife 
Found itself in my chest, I saw your hate in full view 
No question to my vision, you'd been 
The best villain, when in my head I called you mine.

But you weren’t there to see it, by then you’d done
It all again, rushed off to the next scene 
With a new guy, you’d call everything, but you know 
He’ll just half the cup only I’d make full
Now, I’m watching you get used to being with basic.

I might be bitter from being recast, because I lost
Myself in moments between lines, when
The plot had everything I wanted, til the credits rolled 
Film chemistry meant nothing in the end
Just a show for the camera, I forgot we were acting. 

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With the only wish I have to my name, my eyes seek my last star, at night

I find it by the waning moon, dreaming of the day I drag your body over

The same floors you walked on when you chose to leave me on the shelf.

Since then, the grudge I've held made a home out of my tongue, holding every

Promise made but never kept, with tears trapped so my pain wouldn't be

A crime you'd treat like a win, sometimes your whispers still linger around

In my ear, & the sight of your open chest still visits me in my dreams, my mind

Might be the only place your heart holds my name in its quiet, despite our fall.

My knees met the dirt in a way that was anything but pretty, & in that moment

A smirk found itself on my face, when I thought of how my teary eyes might have

Better chance at a clear shot to the back of your head with my dad's gun in hand.

With flashing lights following me around after, & siren sounds that'd make me

Feel wanted more than any rush my phone gave from you calling me at night.

If my eyes saw past what they wanted to, maybe you wouldn't be someone

I thought was worth putting all my hopes in, just to never turn fiction to fact.

To me you were everything, but in your eyes, I was nothing more than a half boyfriend

Worth giving everything but the label of a real relationship, til I set fire to your stage.

I might say I forgive you, but there'd be no truth to it

When I hold you in a hug like I love you

Just to leave right after, not to teach you a lesson, but because I finally learnt mine.

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Here you are again, asking about my day like it matters, I wouldn't want

To give it meaning when it's weightless, you made a trophy of her, as much

As I like being your all on the side, you'd never see me as a prize worth winning.

Maybe I should lose both rings on purpose, & live knowing I was the worst guest.

I wish your invite got my name wrong, you know how I tend to hold on to moments

So hard, they run out of air, I took a picture of you both with the camera you lent me

But your smiles made me want to break it in half, two souls bound by a flame

While mine lost itself in the wind, the first groom's man to ever envy his friend's bride.

I'd be the witness, & not the one holding your hand while your eyes scanned my face

For a tear shed in joy, you'd treat like gold before it ever fell & got to know dust.

Like a weed amongst roses, I'd stand out when she walked down the aisle to you

I wanted to burn her bouquet, & stain the floors red before your last dance.

But instead, my objection sat in a space between whispers to bring you peace.

It'd find warmth in my throat, while I tried not to choke on the cake at your wedding.

With you here, so close yet so far, no three wishes could ever make me your bride.

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If only my heart didn't fall as hard
As his head did to the floor
When all my eyes could see was red. 
Your hands on his became 
The spark that set fire to a silent rage. 

Wrote your middle name on notes like a secret 
For a while, my heart thought 
You were worth the ink, til the bad got worse. 
I was stuck in a mess like mud 
Where a gun held me better than your arms did.   

After the third shot, his head met the floor 
& your jaw fell to rest there too.
With blood on my face, you saw me in a light 
New to both of us, who thought 
You'd be the one to turn me into a monster.

With him gone, maybe you'd treat me again 
Like the blind see vision, I might 
Be the boy you loved without question then 
& hesitated to hurt, but I know 
Even if I gifted my best, you'd still love his ghost. 

My feet met the ground, like wings to wind after 
I caught you in sight but lost you in aim 
& you got away before he could love you in hell. 
Your storm changed the sky we shared 
Now, even your fireworks leave ashes in my eyes.  

written in antithesis to:

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The smell of mold is as loud

As a siren, I can hear your whisper

Even in an ocean of a crowd, saying you’ve drowned in the depths of a truth, I never let you see in full view.

Before then, I hadn’t yet learnt, how heavy a weight

my mistakes could be on your wings, the sky

Hadn’t ever seemed so far away from you til then

& it didn’t help

Having my actions speak for me, when their true meaning, got lost in translation.

I could use confusion as an excuse

For missteps I made sober, but that wouldn’t help my case, when you’ve got the sense

That the boy you once knew died, with the one left in his place

Being the type, to dance on the bridges he’d burn down, lacking remorse because I seemingly moved on, faster than you got to heal.

There isn’t any good left to feel, when all you have is the taste of hate on your tongue.

A bittersweet pain you might get accustomed to with time, before one of us taps out

Of the game of life.

Our palms might be strangers now but maybe, you’ll find comfort

In the fact that inspite of storms faced, we still share the same sky.

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Maybe 
If I didn't mess up so much 
Our floors would be clean 
& not stained with footprints 
In the shape of my muddy feet. 

Maybe 
If I knew how to cry a little less
Our floors wouldn't be so wet 
& you wouldn't slip & fall 
Whenever you try to get close to me. 

Maybe 
If I learnt from my mistakes 
Our floors wouldn't break from the weight 
Of my grief rolling over them 
& you'd get to have peace of mind. 

Maybe 
If I was never born 
Our floors wouldn't know 
Pain, blemish or sorrow 
& you wouldn't know me. 

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A grunt led to a shove
& a cuss word followed after.  

Your true colours came out 
Way sooner than expected. 

& I hate to say it 
But my friends were right.   

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I. GOLD
We both ran the race
But you didn't get far.

He seemed like the prize
When he was just poison.

I should've known better 
Than to chase rotten fruit.

But he made me feel chosen 
& I didn't want to look like you. 

II. SILVER
Knees deep in the dust
That I ate, when it was all I knew.

He came to show me more 
Than my eyes ever thought they'd see. 

& the rush felt good, til a friend 
Looked more like a thief during the day.

He made it you or me, & for the sake 
Of self, I claimed all of his pain.

III. BRONZE 
His words made their way 
To the heart of my mind.

I shrunk myself every day to fit in a box
He kept your size even after you left him.

I avoided colours you'd use to paint, thinking 
His love would take better shape for my heart.

You stayed in the basement 
When I wanted to make room for his thoughts.

Til my smile got lost in his darkness 
I wasn't smart enough to leave before dusk.

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A picnic blanket 
With dead roses laying by the side 
& a food basket 
Full of cake you liked, but I wasn't honest 
Enough to confess 
That vanilla was never my favorite flavor.

The moon held every secret we kept hidden
From the sun, because 
During the day they'd be too bright to forget 
& if he ever saw, we'd likely 
Be too much for your boyfriend to forgive.

All that time spent 
Never kept you from letting his doubts win
Or my fears bear fruit.
As your hands folded our blanket in two 
Turning every hope 
I had for a life with you in the light to dust. 

Getting what I want, only left a bittersweet taste
On my tongue, as I tremble 
At the thought of a nightmare where I wake up
Every other year from now
& check the date, only for my wrist to bleed out
Because it's February 14th.  

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I dreamt we were married 
In a world where life's rules were easier 
To bend, I wouldn't get scared
Trying to reach for your hand in public.

I dreamt this was something 
That outlived our college days, & you'd 
Never let the ghost of us fade
Into the horizon like a light ray at sunset.

I dreamt of a life where forever 
Had our names on the same page in its book 
& I was the only boy your arms 
Looked for when the world left you feeling lost. 

I dreamt you got the love, I know 
You deserve without going through the ache 
Of earning it, if I'm lucky enough 
Maybe I could be the person you call home. 

I dreamt we were married 
& my bedsheets never felt so heavy or hard
To get out of, because that day 
I had a dream I didn't want to wake up from.

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The blue moon envies this abyss of a void

We built with the stars bearing witness

To the death of a boy who once knew himself

But got lost in someone else.

Before the space between us becomes more defined, than the bags under my eyes

Trust that this time, I’ve learnt my lesson, not to attach a feeling to a person.

Healing doesn’t need to have a name stamp on it

Making my growth void

When you walk out, you’re a high that hurts most

Once I get off it.

Without a brush in hand, you found the colours to paint yourself

As the victim in their eyes, somehow

I wasn’t worth a notice before our time ran out

Neither a warning before the earthquake.

I’d have known balance back then

If you’d learnt how to communicate

But it’s too late for that now when our floor has been glittered

With the shards of a heart that once had your name marked on it.

Blackened pages don’t keep us from reading ahead, or letting the music play on.

I’m falling back into old habits, because despite how your laughter can switch to hatred for me

It’s the only frequency my ears think is safe, in some ways

You make me find beauty in the madness.

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