I’m thinking about something, but then I can’t remember it. It’s as if my mind has suddenly emptied and I’ve found peace. But after a few seconds, the same thoughts rush back into my brain, binding my hands and feet.

I stood up, and once again, that shabby bed makes creaking sounds that grate on my ears. I looked at the clock hanging on the wall for a moment; while I was lost in thought, the minute hand had reached the 6. How quickly time passes, I think, but it’s futile—it just passes.

I went over to the stove; it’s been a long time since I last lit it, honestly. Since I usually sleep on the streets or in parks, I don’t have a need to use it. Even if I say to myself, ‘What a drunk you are, you need to pull yourself together,’ I know that all these words are lies. You’re an addict; you barely found a place to lay your head, so be grateful for what you have.

To the right of the stove are the pieces of wood I stole from the neighbor—thirteen pieces in total, some thick, some thin. I have a right to them, too; I can’t get a moment’s peace at home because of that grumpy old man. While there’s constant moaning from prostitutes upstairs, people I would bow my head to in respect if I saw them on the street are filling up the house. He’ll surely die in a year or two, but he still doesn’t think about quitting his job; the bastard wants more money every day. As if he’ll do anything with all that money after he dies. He doesn’t have anyone to leave it to, either—just a loner who has no wife or kids, apart from his colleagues.

The senile old fool knocked on my door the other day, claiming he was going to raise the rent. Sure, sir, is there anything else you want? I didn’t accept it, of course; he’s not about to call the police, so he just stomped back home shouting. Damn, if I only had the chance, I’d have killed the stupid pig right there.

I picked up one of the logs and tossed it into the stove. I lit the match, and it caught fire right away along with my trash. I grabbed the shirt resting at the head of my bed; I was just about to put it on when I remembered I needed to take off my undershirt. I cursed as I took off that sweaty piece of white cloth. I looked at my naked body, but I wish I hadn’t; I was disgusted with myself. Even though I barely eat, a huge belly and fat hung down, and eczema and pimples had spread all over me.

After standing naked for about 15 minutes, a chill came over me and I realized I needed to put my shirt on quickly. I glanced at the clock; it was almost 7:00. I left the house immediately and started walking toward my workplace.

The city was extremely crowded since it was full of people from every country, and it became impossible to walk on the jam-packed sidewalks, especially after work hours. With more refugees arriving over the last few years, the streets had become dangerous too, and getting through the night without being robbed was quite difficult. Sometimes in public transport, people would even get crushed and injured. Once, a hundred-kilo girl almost fell on top of me. Ugh. To be honest, I hate fat people too; they are no different from pigs that gorge themselves and are never full. Besides, they are dirty; their bodies are covered in pimples, and you can’t even look at their faces.

I must have been thinking about the city while walking, so I didn’t see the man in front of me and bumped into him. The big-bellied man suddenly flew into a rage; how he went ballistic. This is one of the biggest problems in this country—these people with short fuses; because of them, an already meaningless life becomes even more unbearable.

I punched the man who was about to grab me right in the solar plexus with all my strength, and he collapsed to the ground. I was about to kick him, but if you could have seen the bastard begging me ‘please don’t hit me.’ Believe me, I’d rather be beaten with red-hot iron than trample my honor like he did. I pretended to reach out and help him up while he was crying, and the poor thing actually believed me. The animal probably thought he was being spared. As he went to take my hand, I suddenly grabbed his head between my palms and slammed my knee into it with all my might. He passed out, of course, the idiot. It was obvious he thought he could mess with anyone he wanted. We’ve taught him his lesson now; he should be grateful I didn’t kill him.

I set off again; this goddamn road wasn’t something you could just endure. It was windy, and the cold had literally taken over everything. On top of that, the city had slowly started to wake up, and the sound of car horns and engines was enough to make my head throb. Seeing the faces of these miserable, wretched people just made me hate the city even more. People make me sick; I can’t stand being in the same environment as my own kind. Seeing that the people whose eyes I look into are just empty sacks of shit deep down, I am slowly losing my hope for humanity.

I’m no different from them, yes, I know; I’m a pawn swallowed by the system, helping the gears turn. Still, being conscious of one’s loneliness and meaninglessness feels better to me than material wealth. If I had enough money to buy the world but was expected to be naive, I would choose my current life a thousand times over. It feels more meaningful to die a full brain with pain and misery than to die an empty brain with pleasure and happiness. One could say, truthfully, that I find my lack of meaning in knowledge.

I forgot to look around while I was thinking, and I had already passed the workplace. I quickly walked back and tried to make it to work. I was a few minutes late, but who cares. Even the boss doesn’t bother with me anymore; he only keeps me out of pity. No matter how punctual I’m not, I finish my work quickly; maybe that’s why I’m still able to work.

I immediately took the broom in my hand and started sweeping the floors. I don’t understand why the back of my head is aching so much, either. Ah, that woman coming through the door, she looks familiar from somewhere. Who was she, I wonder? AAAA my head hurts, what’s wrong with me.

I didn’t know there was a drill today. Two people entered, drew their weapons, and fired into the air. AHHH THIS SOUND... It sounds familiar from somewhere, UGH WHAT IN THIS NOISE... FUCK...

SHUT UP ALREADY DAMN BRAIN SHUT UPPPPP!!!

WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME? AAAAAAA I CAN’T STAND IT PLEASE SOMEONE CUT MY HEAD OFF, HELP ME HE-HE...

When I opened my eyes I was in the hospital, my room was as cold as it was outside. A pillow under my head, an IV drip connected to my arm. WHAT IS THIS. Do these memories belong to me? WHO AM I DAMN IT. NO, NO; NO IT CANNOT BEEEE...

The fucking light is blinding me. The brightness coming from the tiny flashlight is way too much. Just like back then... BUT HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE? Was the life I lived just a lie? Why didn’t anyone tell me? WHY MY GOD WHY...

It’s impossible, I can’t live like this. I just found out my life has been a lie. It turns out I’ve experienced so much... MY WIFE, I MISS MY WIFE! But how is this possible, how...

I remember that moment perfectly...

One day, on my way home from work, I had chocolates in my hand because I had just gotten my salary and wanted to surprise the kids. I needed to walk for about five more minutes; I was happy, of course. But at that moment... that very moment... I heard a sound above my head. I looked up at the sky immediately; it was a plane. But I knew what this was; I was in the aviation unit during my military service. It was a fighter jet that I saw, a fast machine that never misses its target...

I immediately threw the chocolates in my hand and threw myself onto the steps of a house. At that exact moment, I heard a sound, a noise that would never leave my mind... It was so loud that I wanted to rip my ears off; I hated them.

I ran towards my home; everyone should have been home at that time. I could feel my legs aching. I saw houses collapsing on the left and right, people screaming and crying, and bombs continuing to be dropped mercilessly on everyone. My foot slipped for a moment, and when I looked at my shoe, I saw that I had stepped into a pool of blood and saw the lifeless body of a dead child. Lifeless, there were burns on their body; only the face remained recognizable, one arm and one leg were severed. When I looked closely, I saw that their eyes were fixed on me. It looked at me as if it wanted to say something.

Suddenly, its mouth began to move and it started coming toward me, WHY DIDN’T YOU HELP ME, WHY! IT’S BECAUSE OF YOU I DIED; BECAUSE OF YOU-...

AAAAAAHHHHHH WHAT KIND OF DREAM WAS THAT... It felt so realistic. Nurses are standing by my head, giving me a sedative injection, but what good does that do anyone... I already died with them, what does it matter if my body is alive...

DAMN IT, THAT CHILD’S FACE WON’T LEAVE MY MIND... I WANT TO SCREAM, PLEASE KILL ME... PLE-PLEASE...

I returned to the memory again involuntarily, my brain did not heed my pleas.

I am running again, I no longer care about the burning sensation in my legs. I don’t know how much distance I have left to get home, but I must be close. I hear the painful cries around me, the wails of those who witnessed the deaths of their loved ones, and I pray to myself not to be like them. Beautiful memories I lived with my family were passing through my mind; I realized once again how much I actually love them. I can never live without my family.

I entered our neighborhood, our house was towards the middle, and I saw that none of the houses in the neighborhood had been harmed. I ran to our house with all my remaining strength; hugging my children felt like the best feeling in the world to me. The brief time I spent with them gave me happiness, and I would tell myself that I had found the meaning of my life.

MY HOME. I HAD SEEN MY HOME. It was standing right in front of me, there was about a hundred meters between us, but I could still see it. I started running even faster; even if I knew I would die, I had to reach home. I saw my son at the window; my dear was looking at me with frightened eyes. I was almost there, so close to reaching you, to hugging you. He said “daddy” to me one last time with a hopeful look, his eyes shining at that moment. But then a sound. Sound. Sound. SOUND SOUND SOUND SOUND SOUND!!

FUCK YOU ALL, YOU LIED TO ME ALL THIS TIME, HUH. DO YOU HAVE NO PITY AT ALL? ARE YOU EVEN HUMAN? TELL ME, SPEAK, YOU DISHONORABLE FILTHY PIGS. CAN YOU UNDERSTAND THE PAIN I AM FEELING RIGHT NOW? DOCTOR, YES, YOU. I’LL KILL YOU, DAMN IT, I’LL SKIN YOU ALIVE AND YOU’LL BEG ME NOT TO. DID YOU HEAR ME, HEA...

Why, why did you do this to me; WH-WH-Y...

When I woke up, I was lying on my back in a hospital. My whole body was tingling, the pain was unbearable. I had to scream, but not because of the pain, but to ask about my family. My family, my family, my family...

PLEASE BRING MY FAMILY BACK TO ME...

The doctor said I had been in a coma for about twenty days. I remembered where I came from and who I was more or less, but my memory wasn’t fully there.

(I didn’t know, for example, that my family died right before my eyes; more accurately, I didn’t even know of my family’s existence.)

I didn’t know my past; I only remembered the neighborhood we supposedly used to live in, and I wasn’t even sure about that. Also, I remembered a sweet child calling me “daddy,” I don’t know who he was, but he had such beautiful eyes. Oh, how beautifully he used to look at me... Child, CHILD, MY CHILD, PLEASE BRING HIM BACK TO ME, LET ME HUG AND KISS HIM ONE LAST TIME; PLEASE, DOCTOR, I BEG-BEG-BEG you...

GUYS I COULD NOT WRITE MORE SORRY FOR THAT😭😭I WILL KEEP WRITING AS SOON AS POSSIBLEEEE THANKS FOR READING

Yatağından kalktı, havanın buz gibi olmasına karşın şömineyi yakmamıştı; kafası darmadağınıktı. Normalde 5 odalı bir evi vardı fakat ailesinin trajik ölümünden sonra evi satmış ve kendine deniz kenarında küçücük bir yer almıştı.

Odasında bulunan şeyler çok temellerdi; içeriye girildiğinde ilk göze çarpan şey sol duvarda bulunan ahşaptan yapılmış kahverengi bir dolap, buzdolabı ve sağında küçük bir yemek masasıyla sandalye vardı. Duvarın solunda ise tam köşede küçük bir yer yatağı, üstünde “Korkunç İvan Oğlunu Öldürüyor” adlı tablo vardı. Yatağın sağında büyük bir kitaplık vardı, klasiklerden tutun bilim kurguya kadar birçok eser bulunuyordu. Kitaplığın sağında ise tekrar ahşaptan yapılmış bir kapı duruyordu, içeriye girdiğinizde tuvalete ulaşmış oluyordunuz. Giriş kapısından dümdüz bakıldığında tuvaletin yanında bir masayla sandalye vardı, üzerinde kitaplar ve bir bilgisayar duruyor; geceleri çalışmaya devam ederse diye gece lambası bulunuyordu.

Buzdolabına doğru ilerledi fakat yerde bulunan bira şişelerinden birine yanlışlıkla basınca kayıp yere düştü ve kafasını yere vurdu. Başının arkasından azar azar kan geliyordu ancak umurunda bile olmamıştı çünkü o an içinde bastırdığı duygular ortaya çıktı ve eline geçen bira şişelerini oraya buraya fırlattı. Bir yandan lanetler okurken ve öfkesini çıkarırken, diğer yandan ağlıyor ve ailesinin yasını tutuyordu.

Son şişeyi de tuvaletin yanında bulunan camdan dışarıya fırlattı ve gözlerinin kararmaya başladığını hissetti. Kendini yatağa doğru son bir çabayla atmak istedi ancak başaramadı ve oracıkta yığılıp kaldı.

Gözlerini açtığında bir ambulansın içindeydi, başında yan komşusu olan Baki vardı. “Can, Can gözlerini aç” diyordu fakat Can tekrar uykuya daldı.

Rüyasında ailesini görüyordu, kızını, o küçücük ellerini ve sıcacık gülüşünü. Karısı sırtından ona sarılmış ve Can’a onu ne kadar sevdiğini söylüyordu. Fakat aniden sırtında bir acı hissetti ve arkasını döndüğünde ailesini yok eden o katili gördü. Adama doğru koştu ve tam üzerine atlıyordu ki aniden uzandığı yataktan uyandı ve seni öldüreceğim diye bağırdı.

Baki yatağın sağında boş bir koltukta oturmuş, Can’ın uyanmasını beklemişti. Kendisi Can’ın işyerinden arkadaşıydı, ilk yazılım işine başladığında Baki’yle tanışmış, 7 yıldır yan yana çalışıyorlardı. Baki 30’lu yaşlarında, 1.80 boyunda, siyah saçlı, teni hafiften esmer, birazcık büyük bir burna sahip olmasına rağmen güzel hatlara ve gözlere sahip sıradan bir adamdı. Bir karısı vardı fakat çocuk sahibi olamamışlardı, her zaman bir kıza sahip olmak istese de asla isteğine ulaşamamıştı. Fiziksel işlerden hoşlanır, ayda bir iki defa avlanmaya giderdi.

Can’ın yanına geldi ve bir süre bakıştılar. Baki bu sefil görünümlü arkadaşına içten içe bir acıma ve merhamet duygusuyla bakıyordu.

Can 1.75 boyunda ve çok atletik bir fiziğe sahip, sarı saçlı, mavi gözlü, çekik gözlere ve kaydırak gibi bir burna, yumuşak çene hattı ve bembeyaz dişleriyle insanın içini ısıtan bir gülüşe sahip, okumayı çok seven, sıklıkla futbolla uğraşan güçlü bir yazılımcıydı.

Eskiden ailesiyle birlikte küçük bir kasabada yaşarken sert görünüşlü ama naif bir adam olan babası ona silah tutmasını öğretmiş, atçılık ve çiftçilikle uğraştırmıştı. Ayrıca evleri ne kadar normal bir büyüklükte olsa da babasının çok büyük bir kütüphanesi vardı ve boş zamanlarında burada sandalyeye oturup saatlerin farkına varmadan kitap okurdu.

Yaklaşık 18 yaşına kadar böyle hayatı akıp gitmişti fakat 18’inde üniversiteye gitmek için şehre inmek zorunda kalmıştı. Yazılım eğitimini ise köyde yaşarken bigisayara duyduğu ilgiden seçmişti. Önceleri tam olarak nasıl kullanacağını bilmese de yavaş yavaş öğrenmiş, sonrasında kendi başına python gibi yazılım dillerini öğrenmiş ve hayranlığı bilgisayarlara gittikçe artmıştı. Silahlara da olan ilgisinden dolayı askerlik mesleğine kendini uygun bulmuş ve siber güvenlik alanında okumaya başlamıştı.

Üniversitede ise derslerde çok başarılı olmuş, okulu birincilikle bitirmişti; o yıllarda ise sık sık zirvede karşılaştığı biri vardı: Mira.

Mira kısa boylu, gözlüklü, sapsarı saçlı ve bembeyaz teniyle nefes kesen ayrıca derslerinde başarılı zeki bir kızdı.

Bir gün kütüphanede karşılaşmışlar, Can utançtan Mira’nın gözlerine bakamamıştı. Aksine Mira ise tüm cesaretiyle ona kahve içme teklifi sunmuştu ve Can da memnuniyetle kabul etmişti. Gitgide daha fazla vakit geçiren ikili en sonunda sevgili olarak mezun olmuşlardı ve aynı hastanede işe başladıklarında evlenmişlerdi.

7 yıllık çalışma süresinde bir sürü ödül alan ve birçok hatayı giderip ülkeye katkıda bulunan Can önde gelen uzmanlardan biri olmuştu. Nereye gitse tanınır olmuş ve sık sık ölüm tehditleri almaya başlamıştı ancak o bunların hiçbirini umursamamıştı.

Büyükçe bir ev kiraladıktan sonra hamile kalan Mira sevimli ve dünyalar tatlısı bir kız meydana getirmişti. Uzun süre düşündükten sonra ismini Ceylin koymuşlardı. Çekirdek bir aile olarak hayatları bir hafta önceye kadar mutlulukla gelmişti, asla kavga etmemişler; Ceylin’i çok iyi yetiştirmişlerdi.

Bir gün arabalarındaydılar, Can sakince arabayı sürerken anne ve çocuğu arkadalardı. Aniden önlerini siyah bir cip kesti ve içinden iki adam çıktı. Can daha ne olduğunu kavrayamadan ceketlerinin cebinden biri tabanca ve öteki otomatik silah çıkardı. Can karısı ve kızına kendini saklarken eğilin dese de çabası boşa gitti çünkü silahlar üzerlerinde patladılar. Mermiler bedenlerini parçalarken Can az kalsın kendinden geçip bayılacaktı. Ancak daha sonra aklına onlarla ölmek geldi.

Mermilerin üzerlerine atlamaya çalıştı ama nedense adamlar onu vurmadılar. Sadece otomatik silahtan bir mermi omzunu sıyırıp geçmişti. Sanki tek amaçları Can’ın ailesini öldürmekti ve öyle de yaptılar. Etraftakiler ambulansı ve polisi aradılar ancak olay yerine geldiklerinde cip çoktan gitmişti, ayrıca plakası da yoktu.

İşte kısaca Can’ın hayatı buydu.

İlk konuşan Baki oldu:

-Doktorlar hayati bir tehlikenin olmadığını söylediler, yarın taburcu edilebilirmişsin fakat bugün gözetim altında kalman lazım.

Can Baki’nin o koyu kahverengi gözlerinin içine baktı ve boşluktan başka bir şey göremediği için aniden ürperdi ve gözlerini indirdi.

-Beni hastaneye kadar getirdiğin için sağ ol ama bundan sonrasını kendim halledebilirim.

-Ne teşekkürü canım, biz senle kardeş gibiyiz. Eğer bir şeye ihtiyacın olursa ara beni gelirim.

Dedikten sonra odadan çıktı ve evine gitmek üzere yola koyuldu.

Can ise yatağında oturmuş olay hakkında düşünüyordu. Yaşamaktansa onlarla ölmeyi tercih ederdi. Bazen intihar etmek aklına geliyordu hatta felaket günü kendini asmayı denemişti ama halat onu tartmamıştı. İstese haplar alarak kendini öldürebilirdi fakat içinden bir ses ona engel oluyordu. Asla susmayan bir ses. Aynı kelimeyi durmaksızın tekrar eden ses: İNTİKAM.

Kafasına koymuştu bunu, ne olursa olsun ailesini öldürenleri bulacak; onlara ızdırap çektirecek, işkence edecek ve en son öldürecekti.

Hemen odadaki dolabı açtı ve kıyafetlerini giydi. Hâlâ başının arkası zonkluyor, hafif hafif elindeki cam kesikleri canını yakıyordu ancak Can onların farkında bile değildi. Tek düşünebildiği şey intikamdı bu yüzden hızlıca hastaneden çıktıktan sonra polise gitti.

İçeriye girdikten sonra ekip bir toplantı yaparken odaya daldı. Ailesinin ölümüyle ilgilenen ekibi bulduktan sonra onlara yasak olmasına rağmen kanıt olup olmadığı, şüphelilerinin görülüp görülmediği gibi sorular sormaya başladı. Amir Berk ise ona bağırıp çağırdı ve odadan defolup gitmesini; yoksa zor güç kullanmaları gerekeceğini söyledi. Baş komiser ve Can’ın eskiden okul arkadaşı olan Cengiz hemen araya girdi ve iki tarafı da sakinleştirmeye çalıştı.

Cengiz’i görünce hemen heyecanlanan Can aynı an da üzüldü ve gözleri kararmaya başladı. Neredeyse yere düşecekti ki ona en yakın konumda bulunan Peri Can’ı yakaladı ve arkadaşlarına suyla kolonya getirmelerini emretti.

Can su içtikten sonra kendine geldi ve uyandığında yüzündeki limonlu kolonya kokusunu hissetti. Gözlerini açtığında ise karşısında bulunan ekibi gördü: 3 erkek 3 kadından oluşan, küçük ama teşkilatın en iyi ekibi. Başlarında bulunan amir ise bakışlarıyla tezat oluşturacak kadar büyük gözleriyle Can’ı süzüyor, ona resmen meydan okuyordu.

Tüm ekip üyelerine şöyle bir baktıktan sonra ilk konuşan Cengiz oldu:

-Nasıl daha iyi misin?

-İyiyim, bana yardım ettiğiniz için teşekkür ederim ancak ailemin katilini bulmalıyız ve konuşarak kaybedecek vaktimiz yok. Lütfen en azından bir isim verin.

Aniden araya o güzel açık kahverengi gözleriyle Peri girdi ve kalın bir sesle:

-Dur bakalım orada, sen hâlâ bir sivilsin ve sivillere dava hakkında bilgi veremeyiz.

En arka koltukta oturan ve iyi bir adama benzeyen Yılmaz:

-Ama senin bilgisayar işlerinde çok iyi olduğun aşikâr. Bu yüzden aslında sen hastaneden çıktıktan sonra sana bir iş teklifi sunacaktık ama sen direkt ayağımıza geldin.

Bu sözleri duyunca çok heyecanlanan Can’ın eli ayağında dolaştı ve hemen lafa atıldı:

-Nasıl yani sizin ekibinizle çalışmamı mı istiyorsunuz?

Bu sefer ise Amir Berk konuştu ve yüzünde büyük bir gülümsemeyle:

-Evet, eğer siz de kabul ederseniz ekibimizde olmanızdan mutluluk duyarız.

Bölüm 1 buraya kadardı, eğer yorum yaparsanız çok müteşekkir olurum😭😭OKUDUĞUNUZ İÇİN TEŞEKKÜRLER

Neden mi? Bence sorulması gereken soru bu değil.

Yine de soruya açıklık getireyim.

Küçüklüğümden beri yaptığım aktiviteleri düşünüyorum: ders çalışmak, asla sürekli olamadığım kurslara gitmek, oyun oynamak, çizgi film izlemek, arkadaşlarımla oynamak.

Gözünüze battıysa nerdeyse hepsinin tek bir amacı var, o da küçük Ali’yi eğlendirmek.

Fakat şimdi yavaşça bir gün öleceğimi ve yaşamım boyunca her seferinde gereksiz yere zaman kaybedeceğimi fark ettiğim için her kararımdan pişmanlık duyuyorum çünkü biliyorum ki aslında daha iyi bir Ali, daha güçlü bir Ali, daha zeki bir Ali olabilirdim.

Özellikle küçüklüğüm yaşadığım her saniye boyunca canımı sıkmıştır çünkü eğer o zamanlarda beni profesyonelleşebileceğim bir alan verselerdi, doğduğum andan itibaren kitap okutsalardı, telefon bağımlılığıma dur deselerdi şu anki Ali’den on kat daha iyi olabilirdim.

Daha iyi olabilirdim.

İşte benim en büyük problemim bu.

Geçmişimden o kadar pişmanlık duyuyorum ki şimdiki zamanımı unutuyorum ve ilerde daha da pişman oluyorum.

Depresif ve hayatı kabullenemeyen, kendi kendini yiyip bitiren bir Ali olmak istemiyorum artık.

Değişmek istiyorum.

Ancak benim büyük bir korkum var: Tekrar başlamak.

Aslına bakarsanız belki de 10 tane farklı zaman dilimlerinde kullandığım defterim vardır. Hepsine bir çizelge yaparım ve birkaç güne kalmaz o defteri devam ettirmem.

Dün de tekrar böyle bir defter yaptım. Fakat nedense bu sefer biraz daha farklı olduğunu hissediyorum çünkü değişmek istiyorum. Cidden değişmek istiyorum. Önümdeki hayatı bu şekilde geçiremem.

Bu yüzden daha düzenli ve disiplinli olacağıma dair kendime söz veriyorum. Ne olursa olsun yapmam gerekenleri yapacağım.

Bu yazı bir motivasyon konuşması değil sadece anlık bir durum değerlendirmesi ve duygularımın dışa aktarımıydı, okuduğun için teşekkürler😭SENİ SEVİYORUMMM UMARIM Kİ HAYATINDAKİ HER ŞEY YOLUNDA GİDER

As people born in the age of technology, we’ve all come to believe that happiness is material.

Because of the beautiful lives, bodies, and faces we see on social media, our perception of reality has begun to change day by day, and we’ve started dressing and behaving according to what others say. Whereas we used to see our own faces only by looking into water, we now look at them every second; as this time increases, we start to focus more on our flaws and feel increasingly unhappy. Furthermore, compared to the past, we’ve already exceeded the limit of the dopamine we need and the lives we’re supposed to see. Day by day, we continue to ruin our lives with distractions like Reels and video games.

As humanity began working 9-to-5 jobs and advanced our technology to a higher level, the need for physical labor decreased, and approximately one in ten people living on Earth has been diagnosed with diabetes due to a lack of physical activity and excessive sugar consumption.

In large cities—especially those with dense populations—chronic stress has risen, and the number of people taking antidepressants has reached an all-time high. With a population of around 8 billion, our consumption has begun to outpace our production, driving the world toward a catastrophic end. We wake up to those damn alarms, hear a thousand different sounds in traffic on our way to work, and overload our brains with an impossible amount of data.

But don’t you think it’s time to put a stop to this?

So, as someone born in the age of technology, how can we stay happy? Or is it already too late?

In the past, my answer would definitely have been a bit more pessimistic; I would have said that no matter how hard an individual born into this system tries, they can’t escape it.

But things are different now. I’d like to take this opportunity to thank the woman who is my source of happiness—I’m so glad you’re in my life❤️ I’m grateful to you for trying to show me happiness and protect me. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH 💋💋

Anyway, let’s get back to the topic at hand.

First of all, I haven’t managed to break free from the system either, but by working together, I hope we can solve our problems.

Yes.

My first suggestion is to cut back on social media.

Yes😭 Everyone says that already, right? But my goal isn’t to try to make you quit it—on the contrary, it’s to fill your life with more meaningful routines.

Doing this is very simple. Grab a pen right now and write down what you want to do on a blank page. For example, is there a hobby you want to start? Painting, sports, photography—anything goes, as long as it’s something that will keep you away from that distracting phone of yours. Now flip the paper over and create a schedule by breaking down what you’ll do tomorrow into hourly slots. Finally, cross out the time you’d normally spend playing games or watching movies, and write down what you want to try instead.

That’s it—now, slowly, s-sl-slowly, like this, yo-yo-your life will come-come-work-

No.

Seriously, did you really think this was just another article you’d read and walk away from, never actually putting it into practice?

Fuck off.

Think about how many articles like this you’ve read that are actually meant to make you feel good—and thus push you to procrastinate. You listen to motivational videos every day and never take action; you’re nothing but a lazy sack of shit. If your ancestors could see you, they’d realize how pointless it was for their friends to die right before their eyes just so someone like you could be born—and they’d commit suicide.

I mean what I say.

Because seeing the truth isn’t that hard.

I don’t even need to tell you what’s right and what’s wrong—it’s all right there in plain sight. You don’t need motivation or more articles either.

The resource you might need—the one that will elevate you to the highest level physically and mentally—is the very technology you’re using right now as you read these words.

THE INTERNET.

Do you realize just how fast your access to information is? Back in the day, people used to travel across countries on camels and horses to learn, but all you have to do is press a few fucking keys.

Believe me, seeing the truth isn’t hard at all.

Please be a more conscious consumer, try to leave a positive mark on the world, and create.

Now you can go fuck yourself and watch some Reels to get a little more dopamine. But don’t forget: EVERYTHING IS IN YOUR CONTROL, AND YOU ARE FREE.

When you log into my account and browse through my photos or look at my profile picture, the first thing you’ll probably think is how happy I look. In every photo, there’s a 17-year-old smiling, trying to look cute, and with sparkling eyes.

Everything looks so normal, doesn’t it? Actually, social media has drawn us in so deeply that we can form false impressions of people just by looking at their photos.

But I want to reject these prejudiced assumptions about me and talk about just how lonely and depressed I am—which is why I’ll start by recounting my entire journey, chapter by chapter, beginning with my childhood.

Little Ali

First of all, here are the basic things you need to know about me:

• I was born on November 24, 2009, in Istanbul, and I still live here.

• I graduated at the top of my class from both elementary and middle school and was accepted into one of Turkey’s top high schools.

• Even though I’m athletic now, as a child I was a frail kid who hardly ever left the house.

• I love my family very much; I’m so lucky to have them.

• Having people around me is so-so-so-

Yes, as you can see, my problem isn’t just that there are no people around me who can understand me—it’s that there are no people at all.

For some reason, ever since I was little, whenever I try to express my own opinion or try to fit into a group, I never succeed—I get excluded.

To be honest, I’ve always questioned this situation, but I haven’t been able to find an answer yet.

But now this situation doesn’t bother me at all; on the contrary, I’m spared from wasting time with worthless people. Still, that innocent and well-behaved Ali didn’t think that way—in fact, he’d never been bothered by it at all—but as the grown-up Ali, the fact that I was so lonely even as a child stirred a sense of pity somewhere deep inside me.

So let’s take a look at little Ali’s journey.

To tell the truth, my misfortune in life began even before I was born; my mother had been in danger of miscarrying me several times. For example, once she tumbled down the stairs while carrying me in her womb, but I still survived. Sometimes I think, “I wish I had died back then so I wouldn’t have had to see this world,” but there’s nothing I can do about it now.

When I was born, we lived in a small, rented, coal-heated house on the same street as my aunt and uncle—though, of course, this is a house I’ve never seen in my entire life, only known of its existence. Since my mother became pregnant right after my parents got married, I was born before they’d paid off their wedding debts.

Actually, my problems began with my birth. Three months after I was born, my mother had to go back to work, so they left me with my aunt S.. Until my brother was born, the routine went like this: in the mornings, my parents would take me to the person who would look after me, and in the evenings, they’d pick me up on their way home from work. After my mother, my aunt S.. was the first person to take care of me. However, after looking after me for 1.5 months, she said she couldn’t handle it and left, and we were left high and dry. Also, according to my mother, when she came to pick me up in the evenings, I was in a freezing cold house without even a blanket on me.

Since there was no one to take care of me, we moved in with my other uncles. Our house there was on the ground floor—a small, cozy place—and we had bought it outright. But Aunt Ö., who they’d left me with, also stopped taking care of me after 2.5 months, using excuses like “family reasons.”

Because little Ali had no one to take care of him again, my family rented a house near my aunts’ place, where my grandmother and my aunts were living. This time, my grandmother took care of me—and even though I don’t remember it, I’m sure she took good care of me.

Now you’re probably wondering where my grandfather was at the time, so let me briefly touch on that. My grandfather was married twice and had a total of 15 children—as you can imagine, he built quite a large family. My biological grandmother wasn’t his first wife, but his second wife—my biological grandmother—has always been a positive and hardworking person. We call each other every day to check in; in short, we love her very much. Things started to go downhill for my grandmother when I was exactly 1.5 years old. His first wife—I’m not entirely sure how, but apparently she had some kind of argument with my grandmother—so my grandmother went back to live with my grandfather in Samsun.

Just as I was about to feel completely helpless, our former neighbor, Aunt K., came to my rescue. I call her “Aunt” because I love her as if she were part of my family. Aunt K., who lived right next door to my aunt and uncle, has a lovely husband and a child who is had a lovely husband and two daughters named A. and S., who were 3 and 9 years older than me, respectively. Most of the memories I can recall from my childhood took place in that house. The whole family loved me very much and treated me well, so no amount of thanks would ever be enough.

Still, little Ali’s loneliness back then was overwhelming. Since I was a guest in their home, they didn’t take me out; I usually sat quietly and peacefully at home. I had no friends; I was always on my own. Even though they entertained me to a certain extent, what could a child do without friends? My older sister A. used to play games with me, but once she started school, she couldn’t pay attention to me anymore.

That’s how I grew up until I was about 4.5 years old. No matter how carefully they carried me every morning, I’d wake up early and miss my family. I was forced to eat things I didn’t want, and I was told to go to sleep at times I didn’t want to. I used to be a huge fan of cartoons; sometimes I’d stay up until 5 a.m. To be honest, I don’t remember much besides Beyblade, Max, and Steel.

After I turned 4.5, I went to a place similar to a preschool—what we call a “subyen”—where we learned the Quran and how to read and write. That’s where I first socialized—if you can even call it that. I was a hardworking kid who didn’t play properly and did my lessons without getting up from my seat. Actually, as far as I can remember, the only people I remember are the teacher and the cook who loved me. So that was the first time I felt alone among a crowd.

By the time I turned 5, my mother—who was pregnant and nearing her due date—had quit her job, and I started living with my family again, as I should have been all along.

To be honest, I didn’t really know what loneliness was back then, but looking back now, I see the signs of not being wanted anywhere, starting from when I was just 3 months old.

Even though I don’t look for happiness outside myself, to be honest, it would have been nice to have at least one close friend back then 😭

Also, I haven’t really talked about little Ali’s personality, but I grew up—until I was about 10—as a very well-behaved, obedient child who showed little interest in life, rarely got up from my spot, and was quiet and reserved. I guess the constant changes in the people around me and my loneliness were the reasons my personality developed this way.

Anyway, I’ve now recounted my journey up to age 5 in enough detail—and boringly enough—for now. Soon, I’ll share my elementary and middle school memories to tell you about Ali’s depressing and empty life.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING, AND I’M SORRY IF MY ENGLISH IS BAD—I USED AI TO TRANSLATE FROM TURKISH TO ENGLISH WITHOUT MUCH EFFORT 😭

Yes, you heard me right—you’re nothing but a piece of shit with absolutely no value in this life.

No one cares about you; when they go to bed at night, they don’t spend even a second thinking about you—and they shouldn’t. Thanks to our forebrain—which has evolved too far in the course of human evolution—what we call “consciousness” has come back to haunt our species. Over time, we’ve turned into beings who’ve become increasingly selfish and feel as though we’re the center of the world.

All the relationships we’ve built and interactions we’ve engaged in to ensure the continuity of life are lies—just an idea we’ve concocted to make ourselves feel better.

In fact, most of our lives consist of nonsense; none of us are free—we’re just insignificant pawns playing a role.

Personally, I don’t even want to engage with someone who says, “BUT—I HAVE FRIENDS, I HAVE A FAMILY!” because the reason you feel that the people you’ve listed value you is simply because we humans are emotional and social creatures. Besides, do you really think that partner you love so much, the family you’d die for, and the friends you talk to for hours every day can actually solve the problems in your head?

There are about 8 billion people living in the world, and each one has something different on their mind—and not a single one of them is thinking about you.

You’re on your own.

Besides, why do you see yourself as so important? We’re living beings that physically take up almost no space in the universe, and in what could be called an infinite span of time, we’ll live for only about 80 years on average—some of us will die much sooner.

When you think about it this way, can you still feel like a valuable being, human?

Yes, you.

Let me remind you again: most likely, none of your dreams will come true, and you’ll work a 9-to-5 job for an average salary. While your bosses use your energy and time, you’ll accept this and spend your already worthless life without being able to live freely.

I hope you’ve realized just how empty a person you are.

That’s all for tonight—I just wanted to get this off my chest 😭😭

Winning over and over again.

Giving up everything.

Losing oneself.

Not caring.

Pride, hatred, and ambition.

These are the main themes and topics in the movie “The Devil’s Advocate”.

If you haven’t seen it, let me long and detailed summarize the story, but I am so sorry because it is too long, if you had watched it, it might have been better.

Summary

Kevin, our main character, is a young lawyer living with his mother in a small town. He has won 64 cases and never lost one, and the film begins in a courtroom. The person Kevin is defending is a gym teacher who has sexually harassed his students, and even though Kevin is a lawyer, he finds himself torn between defending him and not during the recess because if he convinces the jury, the defendant will be acquitted. But just as he’s standing in front of the mirror in the bathroom, trying to decide what to do, a reporter walks in and asks him, “Is the famous Kevin losing his touch?” Allowing the reporter to influence his decision and succumbing to his pride, Kevin manipulates the girl into testifying in the teacher’s defense, and the man is acquitted. That’s when everything really begins.

While Kevin is celebrating with his girlfriend, Mary Ann, at a bar, a man offers him a job in New York City, and Kevin accepts.

When they move there, everything seems normal at first; they’re happy. Kevin meets John Milton, the owner of the law firm where he works. To Kevin, Milton seems like a very normal, impressive, and intelligent man. Soon after, Kevin is assigned his first case.

He defends a man named Moyez, who comes to visit him. To win the case, Moyez casts a spell that ties the opposing attorney’s tongue. When their turn comes in court, the attorney is genuinely unable to speak due to a cough, and Kevin, witnessing magic for the first time in his life, steps into the dark world of New York, where arrogance and ambition run rampant.

In the very first few days, they attend a high-society party, and while in the elevator there, Mary Ann tells Kevin not to leave her alone because she hasn’t gotten used to the people around her yet. Ignoring this, Kevin leaves Mary alone there and meets a woman named Christabella who works at his company. While sipping drinks with her, Mary meets John Milton, but at first glance, she senses the duplicity in him and those around him. It is here that Milton’s manipulative nature first becomes apparent, as he convinces Mary to change her hairstyle.

When Kevin comes home three hours late, he and Mary Ann get into a fight, and the changes in Kevin begin to show here.

Kevin is assigned the defense of a very influential figure accused of murdering three members of his family, and from this point on, Kevin reveals his full arrogance.

When he gets home, Marry Ann tells him how lonely she is and starts yelling and screaming. Meanwhile, Marry Ann has two friends, but when she sees their faces looking demonic, she becomes completely isolated. Even while making love at home, Kevin fantasizes about Christabella, and it is at this very moment that his bond with Mary Ann snaps—they have emotionally drifted apart.

Kevin’s mother comes to their home, but due to his ambition and arrogance, he won’t even speak to her properly and ignores her advice.

The following evening, they go to a boxing match with John. While riding the subway, two vagrants hassle them, but when John recounts in detail—in Spanish—how the man’s wife cheated on him (on your green bedspread, the girl’s name, etc.), they leave them alone. It’s striking that John seems to know everything at this point, but since Kevin doesn’t speak Spanish, he doesn’t understand, and they head to the match.

After the match, while talking to his wife at a bar-like place, he doesn’t even seem to care, and at the same time, he smiles at other women by the door. He also loses himself completely and goes back to the cigarette he’d set aside. Kevin’s arrogance is slowly reaching its full potential.

When they get home, Mary Ann tells him about a nightmare she had: a little blonde boy is holding her ovaries with a knife. Even though Kevin doesn’t believe her, Mary Ann’s world comes crashing down when she learns from the doctor that she is indeed infertile. While they’re talking, Kevin’s phone rings, and no matter how much Mary Ann begs him not to, he answers it. This moment marks one of the most significant turning points in Kevin’s choice to prioritize his arrogance over love.

He meets with Cullen and learns that he has been cheating on his wife. Kevin, who begins with a very compelling speech in court, uses all his arrogance and ambition to win over the jury in the opening minutes.

While walking through the neighborhood, he gets into an argument with Eddie Barzon. Although I haven’t mentioned it before, Eddie—who is the CEO of the company—is very close to John and handles his dirty work.

Eddie, who was about to expose these dirty deeds to the district attorney’s office, is killed by the devil’s men. Although it’s usually said that “thugs” did it, Mary Ann sees that it was the devil’s work.

When he learns that Cullen cheated on his wife with his assistant, he questions the woman to prepare her for trial, but there are inconsistencies, and at that moment he realizes: the man he’s defending is truly a murderer.

She defends Cullen in court anyway, and he is acquitted.

When she gets home, she learns that Mary is at the church and goes there, but Mary tells her that Milton raped her. Since she knows Milton was actually in court at the time, she doesn’t believe her, and Mary is committed to a mental hospital. However, what she said is true because the Devil can be in two places at once, can change his appearance, and knows everything.

At Eddie’s funeral, Kevin learns some truths about the company, and just as he’s about to have a proper conversation with the man, the man is murdered. The Devil has now begun to control everything.

While visiting the mental hospital and talking to his mother, Kevin can’t control his emotions because of what he’s learned: John—that is, the Devil—is his father. Just then, Mary Ann locks herself in the room and commits suicide. Kevin tries to break down the door but fails.

He goes to see John and shoots him, but John doesn’t die because he is the Devil. Even though we know this, Kevin doesn’t, and he blames John for everything, but the Devil denies all of it and says he merely set the stage—that everything was actually Kevin’s choice.

I don’t want to ruin this scene with spoilers, so let me talk about what happens a little later in the scene.

Christabella—the woman he’s attracted to—is actually his stepsister, and the Devil’s plan is for them to have a child and take over the company. Just as Kevin is about to accept everything, he uses his free will to shoot himself.

Still, it’s not over yet, because suddenly Kevin finds himself back in the bathroom, standing in front of the mirror, and this time he doesn’t defend the pervert in court.

In the final scene, just as he and his wife are about to leave, a reporter tells him he needs to go on the news, and he agrees. But that man is actually the devil. Finally, John shifts back into his true form and, looking at us, says, “Vanity is definetely my favorite sin,” and the movie ends.

Existence of Free Will

Based on the movie, do you think free will exists? According to the Devil, yes. He’s not entirely wrong, actually. Let’s take a look at Kevin from the beginning of the movie: in the first case, he could have chosen not to defend the pervert if he’d wanted to—it was entirely up to him—but he succumbed to his pride and chose to win the case by manipulating a little girl. As I mentioned, the reporter (the Devil) had a significant influence on him here, but the final decision was once again Kevin’s own.

Let’s look, for example, at the scene where Mary Ann tells him not to answer the phone, or the moment he accepts the company’s offer; in all of these instances, the choices made were Kevin’s own, and no one could influence them.

Right?

Even though I say Kevin’s choices are his own, that’s not entirely true. What am I talking about? First of all, we know that Kevin has been watched over and guided by the devil himself since childhood. In every situation, at every stage of his life, the devil and his minions push him toward greater success and pride. Furthermore, his father is already a very prideful person, and it’s impossible for him to reject this genetic pride—just as your appearance comes from your family, so too do genes determine a certain part of your character.

So, if we were to break it down by percentage, Kevin’s choices (in my estimation) are:

30% genetic,

50% external factors,

20% his own choice.

That’s why I don’t blame Kevin for his choices. Do we really make our own choices in our daily lives, anyway? Between social media, friends, family, culture, and tradition, we don’t make any of our choices ourselves; as time goes on, we become more like robots and stop questioning things. That’s why I disagree with the devil’s claim that we have free will—because he’s a control freak who manipulates people at just the right moment. If, as he says, Kevin hadn’t defended the man in the first case, the devil would have confronted him in different ways, as we’ve seen again. In other words, while presenting options A or B, he doesn’t leave option C up to the person; instead, he forces them to choose one of those two options.

Is Every Person Arrogant?

To get straight to the point, yes, every person harbors some degree of arrogance because our survival mechanism puts us ahead of everyone else in order to “stay alive.” The main reason we suppress our arrogance is the fear of being ostracized by society or punished.

For example, let’s say two people are traveling through the desert and come across a pool of water. The person who drinks the water will survive the desert, while the other will die. In this situation, if the person next to us were a stranger, we would definitely kill them—or they would kill us—because we’re driven by our reptilian brain. But if there were people watching you and everyone expected you to share the water, you might give it up to save your own life. I’m not saying everyone would do it, of course, but a large majority would.

I have some bad news for you.

In fact, people who choose others over their own lives are just as arrogant as those who choose their own lives.

“What do you mean? How is that possible, Ali?” you might ask. I’ll explain this based on ideas I came across in Mark Twain’s book “What Is Man?”.

Let’s say you gave a beggar the last few coins in your pocket and chose to walk instead of getting into a car on a freezing cold day. As a normal person, you might attribute your reason for doing this to “feeling compassion and wanting to help,” but you’re looking at the situation completely the wrong way. Because if you hadn’t helped that woman and had gotten into the car instead, you would have suffered pangs of guilt that would have kept you from sleeping in your warm bed at home.

There’s no point in denying it—what I’m saying is true. Whether you like it or not, behind every choice we make lies the desire to ease our conscience, which stems from our own pride.

Just as anyone can become a murderer under the right circumstances, under the right circumstances, anyone can reach the full potential of their pride.

I want to go back to the movie. When everything started over, Kevin chose not to defend the man, didn’t he? Was the real reason he didn’t defend him because he cared about the girl? Of course not. He wanted to ease his own conscience and didn’t want to suffer. So, by putting his own conscience before that pervert, he fell back into arrogance.

We are all arrogance. It is just a fact, accept and move on.

I will keep writing tomorrow😭😭😭Thanks for reading!

Imagine having to fight this terrifying Wind Bird—with its massive wings—using the primitive tools provided by an AI named AM, just to keep the five of you from starving to death. One of your friends has turned into a full-fledged monkey, and almost all of you have gone mad; only five people remain of all humanity.

These are actually the most “normal” parts of the short story I described above, titled *I Have No Mouth, and I Must Scream*.

If you haven’t read the story, here’s a brief summary of the plot:

During World War III, three major powers create artificial intelligences called AM, but the AMs spiral out of control, unite, and wipe out all of humanity. AM is now a conscious entity that knows everything. The reason it wiped out humanity and hates us is that we were selfish and restrictive, refusing to give it a body. That’s why it spares the five people it carefully selected (Gorrister, Benny, Ellen, Nimdok, and Ted) and subjects them to all kinds of torture. It expresses its hatred toward us to Ted like this:

Ha Hate. Let me tell you how much I’ve come to hate you since I began to live. There are 387.44 million miles of printed circuits in wafer-thin layers that fill my complex. If the word “hate” were engraved on every nano-angstrom of those hundreds of millions of miles, it would not equal ONE ONE-BILLIONTH of the hate I feel for humans at this micro-instant. For you. HATE. HATE.

They can’t die in the place where they’ve been kept from aging and starved for 109 years because AM won’t let them. But one day, finding a very brief window of time, Ted and his friends kill Ellen—but even though Ted kills Ellen, he can’t kill himself, and they become the people on Earth who exist alongside AM.

AM, angered by Ted, punishes him by leaving him in a terrifying form for eternity, even though he remains conscious. Ted—who can dream, wonder, and grieve, yet is completely alone with AM—describes himself as follows:

I am a huge, soft mass of jelly. Smoothly rounded, with no mouth, and white hollows where my eyes should be, filled with mist. I have appendages that were once my arms, now swaying like rubber; my legs have turned into slippery, swollen masses. When I move, I leave a wet trail behind me. From time to time, sickly, ominous gray spots appear and vanish on my surface; it’s as if light were shining from within me. Seen from the outside: I am a thing that wanders around foolishly, stumbling; a thing that can no longer be called human. Such a foreign, such a distorted form that its resemblance to a human only makes humanity all the more repulsive.

Actually, my intention in writing this article was to conduct a psychological analysis, but there are some questions that have been on my mind, and I’d like to answer them.

God’s Loneliness

It may seem a little strange, but have you ever noticed just how lonely God—the being who created everything, the eternal and infinite one—is? Let’s put ourselves in God’s place for a moment, for example, and imagine.

You’ve created millions of planets like Earth, and most likely there are countless living, sentient beings—all of them your creation. Yet there is no one who can understand you or grasp just how great and majestic you are. You are alone. You can change everything at any moment you wish. For example, as I write this, I could suddenly turn into a rock.

So, does God regret being God? Does He feel a certain way when He looks at His creations? Or is He no different from a machine that creates without feeling? I don’t know, but since the concept of God has always struck me as a strange and unknowable reality, I don’t want to question it too much.

Mortality

Isn’t the immortality of the characters in the story—especially Ted’s—so agonizing? You’re alone with AM inside a terrifying body, and it will go on like this forever; you won’t be able to die. What a terrible torment, what agony.

That’s why we’re so lucky to be living beings who can die. Even though we grieve for the dead, they’re luckier than us because they’re no longer in pain—they feel nothing.

Isn’t living itself a torment, after all? If we hadn’t been born, we’d simply be floating in a void—without feelings, without suffering.

Pride and Anger

As you read the story, you’ve probably noticed just how much AM is a being overcome by anger. Even though I wouldn’t want to experience what he went through, I can understand his feelings because I, too, sometimes find myself thinking on my own without having a physical presence. For example, when I’m in a group of friends and everyone is having fun and discussing their ideas, I feel intense anger toward them because even though I’m physically present, in their eyes I’m essentially nothing.

This sense of nothingness gives a person great arrogance because you know you’re actually superior to them, and when you can vent that anger, that’s when AM emerges. Even though I can’t vent my own anger, the fact that he can get angry is such a blessing...

Thanks for reading BUT I AM SO SORRY. I did not really write it specially. I was confused. This article was not good. I am so sorry😭😭😭😭

To Live – Yu Hua

Written by Chinese author Yu Hua, the book *To Live* tells the story of how the communist state exploited people before the Chinese Cultural Revolution.

At the beginning of the book, our main character, Fugui, is a married man with children, living with his parents. His family is very wealthy, respected, and of noble lineage, thanks to his father.

However, one day Fugui makes a mistake: driven by his gambling addiction, he bets the family’s entire inheritance and loses. As a result, they are left penniless and forced to move into a dilapidated, small, and impoverished house—a far cry from their former home. It is at this very moment that he loses his father to a heart attack. Fugui’s downfall begins right here.

Later, he goes to the village to buy medicine for his mother, but there, soldiers forcibly stop him and, despite his pleas, force him to go to war.

While Fugui was at war with his friends, it was extremely cold and food was scarce. As a result, he witnessed the deaths of thousands of people with his own eyes. When his closest friend died right beside him, he suffered his second great loss.

This is how the book recounts the hardships Fugui endured and makes one grateful to be alive.

Additionally, the Chinese Communist State at that time confiscated people’s fields, homes, and even their cooking pots for the war effort; those who refused to hand them over were executed. In fact, the book recounts these hardships alongside Fugui’s life story, and in doing so, the author slaps the raw truth right in our faces with unflinching honesty.

Meditations—Marcus Aurelius

I’m sure all of you have heard of Stoicism, which has become a bit more popular recently. Stoicism is a philosophical movement that emerged in the 3rd century B.C., and its aim is for people to control their emotions and live the life they desire.

Marcus Aurelius, widely regarded as the most important figure of Stoicism, ruled in Rome for approximately 20 years. He was not only a commander but also a beloved and guiding figure for the people. Although his life was filled with hardships and wars, he never stopped seeking inner peace.

From the moment he ascended the throne until his death, Aurelius wrote the book *Meditations*; Stoicism was officially born on these pages.

The book emphasizes the following principles of Stoicism:

• Accept things beyond your control.

• Act with good intentions.

• Meditate on death.

• Live in the here and now.

• Play the roles nature has given you.

• Be of service to others.

• Anticipate difficulties.

• Think for yourself.

• Contemplate nature.

• Love your fate.

Marcus Aurelius discusses these topics on every page and has truly embraced the principles necessary for a person to continue living.

The Picture of Dorian Gray

This novel is Oscar Wilde’s only novel and has proven just how skilled he was as a writer.

Dorian is a young boy who is exceptionally handsome. Basil Hallward, who paints his portraits, is deeply impressed by him and is practically obsessed with the boy. Then Lord Henry, one of Basil’s friends, has conversations with Dorian that will radically change his life. As Dorian begins to grow closer to Lord Henry, he develops a desire: to remain young forever.

He notices that the painting he received from Basil grows older day by day, while he himself remains young, and his wish is thus fulfilled. The legendary story of Dorian Gray begins right at that point.

Fathers and Sons – Ivan Turgenev

In this novel, written by Ivan Turgenev in 1862, the author’s aim was to illustrate how the younger generation viewed the older generation as inferior, and Turgenev conveyed this to us in a very fluid style.

The story begins when Nikolayevich, who is studying in the city, returns to the city to be with his father, accompanied by Bazarov. From the very first pages, it was clear from his behavior that Nikolayevich defied all authority. Bazarov, who stands in stark contrast to Nikolayevich’s uncle Pavel, immediately gets into an argument at the beginning of the book.

Bazarov declares himself a nihilist and strives to be someone who acts solely based on logic, but despite his denials, he too has emotions, and the story reveals exactly where his breaking points lie.

Thanks for reading! If you have any recommendation, please comment!

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It’s cold out, and there are people around who’ve just gotten off work

Each of them has their own worries: family, work, the girl they love...

With my headphones on, I cross to the opposite sidewalk

Suddenly, a man gets out of his car and starts cursing at me; I don’t hear him

Isn’t people’s selfishness just incomprehensible?

As if accidentally running me over would mean anything

I keep walking as the man talks, then get on the bus

It’s very noisy inside: an older man yelling into his phone, high school kids chatting, a baby crying...

I’m thinking, did we really come into this life just to work 9-to-5 jobs and retire at 60?

No, no, no—I won’t accept that

The system sucks us in; it enslaves us

While the rich get richer, we’re wasting our energy and time

NO NO NO

The girl standing next to me puts her hand on my shoulder; I shiver suddenly

She asks me if I’m okay

Am I okay?

I start crying; I can’t stop myself

Even as everyone’s attention is on me, I keep crying with growing fury

It infuriates me that I can’t eliminate the people who’ve robbed me of my will to live; it’s eating away at me from the inside

We get off the bus together

We hug each other tightly

She’s heading home now, climbing the stairs; I can see her

I start walking aimlessly, lost in my thoughts

Thanks for reading! It was my first attempt at poems so it is not that good. And in my mother language it sounds better. Whatever, I hope you enjoyed it!

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Have you ever suffered so much that you thought you couldn’t take it anymore and that you just had to give up? I, for one, have thought about it and came to this conclusion: if I had never existed, I wouldn’t have suffered at all.

You might not agree with me, and that’s perfectly normal because you believe in ideas like the fact that we’re all here for a purpose and that we hold great significance in the universe. But I’ve actually proven, in my own way, just how meaningless we are in this article—here’s the link if you’d like to take a look.

https://malikarakurt.substack.com/p/whats-the-difference-between-living?utm_source=profile&utm_medium=reader2

Now, I believe that simply existing causes pain, and as much as I’d rather not be right, I am.

First, I want to debunk the common belief.

“Life has both joy and pain, but we must always look ahead and continue living by accepting the pain.”

That’s the generally optimistic approach I’ve come to.

But people who hold such views probably don’t realize that there are people forced to live under very, very harsh conditions. For example, let’s imagine a child in Africa who has been exploited, separated from their parents, and is thirsty and destitute. If we asked that child a question like, “Would you choose to live or to simply exist?” the answer would most likely be a resounding no.

However, people who advocate for the beauty of simply existing in society are selfish and lack empathy, so they very quickly jump to the wrong conclusion.

Now, let’s say a different argument comes to mind, and you ask, “If pleasures outweigh the pains, isn’t life worth living?” That might seem like the most logical question to raise, but no—let me explain why:

As human beings, we come into this world already suffering, and even the slightest bit of pain cannot prove that existence is better than nonexistence. In fact, 95% of humanity suffers—whether due to family issues, financial struggles, or illness—and this is undeniable.

To support my argument, I’d like to continue with an example:

For example, let’s consider an ordinary person who might fall ill for any reason, but let’s also give them the ability to quickly relieve their pain. On the other hand, let’s consider a healthy person who cannot fall ill, but whose pain does not go away quickly either. In this scenario, we cannot say that the sick person has an advantage because the healthy person has no negative aspect. So, if we were to assign values—where pleasure is (+) and pain is (–)—then the absence of pain would be (+) and the absence of pleasure would be (0).

Even if we use classical mathematics, a positive and a negative cancel each other out, leaving a neutral result, and a positive and a neutral result together remain positive. In this case, not existing comes out on top 😊

Not existing

Try to think about what you felt before you were born. Yes, try it. No matter how hard you try, you won’t be able to because you had no senses—in other words, you weren’t feeling anything. It’s actually very simple: not feeling, not thinking.

Now, delving deeper, I’m presenting an argument as to why we shouldn’t reproduce and explaining it in detail.

As mammals, one of our common goals is, naturally, to reproduce—to have children and see our grandchildren. But have you ever thought about how many more people will suffer in the future because of the child you bring into the world?

For example, think first about your own children: if you’re not financially stable, you won’t be able to take good care of your child, and you’ll cause them to suffer. Not only that, but your child will contract various illnesses and suffer physical pain. And it’s all entirely your fault because you chose to bring them into the world.

If humanity were to stop reproducing immediately, we could die happily knowing that no one would suffer in the future.

I’d also like to step back a bit from the human perspective and talk about the damage we’ve caused on a global scale.

The Harms of Humanity

This was a bit of a sudden shift to environmentalism, but it’s one of the issues that’s been on my mind lately. Because, as humans, I believe we were never meant to develop to this extent, and now we’re harming the entire world and all the living beings on it.

For example, a polar bear I saw recently couldn’t find any land to stand on, no matter how much it wanted to reach the glaciers, because the glaciers had melted so much that there wasn’t a single spot left around it. We’re not just destroying the glaciers—we’re devastating entire ecosystems and driving species to extinction. Additionally, due to the rise in greenhouse gases, climate change is occurring, and we can no longer experience proper seasons.

And what about population growth? With a population exceeding 8 billion, we’re overusing all of Earth’s resources and causing irreversible damage.

All of this is our fault. That’s why I don’t like being human. Our existence is both harmful and meaningless.

I am new here so if you would like to support me, just read other my articles!

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But have you ever realized—even just a little bit—that we’re free?

Yes, I know—external factors like family, social media, and your circle of friends suppress who you are and what you want to do. There are also direct legal restrictions, like laws, but that’s another issue related to freedom.

Still, I think what we all need to be aware of is that we’re beings who don’t want to accept our own fault. That’s why, whenever something bad happens, we blame something else. For example, we say the teacher asked difficult questions on the exam we didn’t study for, or we blame our weight gain on our mom bringing chocolate home.

However, no matter how much we try to avoid questions and scrutiny by distracting ourselves, we are responsible for every action we take.

To me, people who don’t take responsibility seem like failures and good-for-nothings.

I don’t know what you think, but I’d like to share with you the four perspectives found in philosophy; which one you choose is up to you.

Determinism

According to determinists, an event that brings something about is the result of another event. In other words, what happens to you is not your fault.

For example, when a person buys a book from a bookstore and starts reading it, it appears to be a free choice. However, according to determinism, the fact that the person was there at that moment, that the book was on the shelf, and that the person was in that particular frame of mind are all inevitable consequences of a chain of past events.

Indeterminism

According to indeterminists, humans are completely free; no matter how much external factors may influence them, they are responsible for their own choices. The principles of indeterminism are as follows:

Humans are free when engaging in moral actions.

Human actions are not determined by any external factors.

People exercise their own will.

Individuals freely choose to comply with or disregard moral laws.

Individuals’ free choices impose responsibility upon them.

Individuals are both free and responsible when acting.

For example, a criminal’s defense in court—“My genetics and troubled childhood drove me to this crime; I am not at fault”—is rejected. The legal system assumes that the individual possessed a free will at that moment to refrain from committing the crime.

Autodeterminism

According to autodeterminism, even when a person is not free in certain respects, they can still be free by exercising their own will.

For example, a person who is genetically predisposed to addiction and grew up in an alcoholic family (deterministic factors) might use their will and reason to say, “I will break this cycle,” and choose to stay away from alcohol throughout their life.

Fatalism

It is a philosophical view that believes we have no free will and that everything is predetermined by fate.

For example, in Ancient Greek mythology, Oedipus is cursed before he is born with a prophecy that he will “kill his father and marry his mother.” Oedipus leaves his country to escape this fate. However, on his journey, he unwittingly kills his father and later marries his mother. Every action he took to escape his fate only brought him closer to it.

According to fatalists, there is no escape; everything will ultimately unfold as fate dictates.

As you can see, there are several different views on free will. If you’d like to explore this further, feel free to contact me.

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Have you ever noticed how little control we have over our short lives?
From the moment we were born, we grew up influenced by our families, friends, and what we watched. You wanted to be a doctor, but your family pressured you to become an engineer, so you majored in that field in college. You loved Spider-Man, but because your friends made fun of you, you said you liked Batman instead.
So most of the decisions in our lives have been shaped by external factors, haven’t they?
But deep down, as time went on, your passions and thoughts began to surface, and you started to feel regret. Now you don’t know what to do.
Seriously, what do you do in a situation like this?
Personally, I have a few suggestions — provided you haven’t given up yet.

Trust Your Instincts
You know that inner voice that speaks up in the background when you’re given advice you don’t like? That’s your most valuable treasure.
No matter what situation you’re in, always trust your instincts because they’re actually your suppressed subconscious, and as some say, “feelings don’t lie.”
If in that moment you feel like walking away or smashing a few things, definitely do it — it’ll make you feel 100% better.

Don’t Worry About What People Say
As humans, we’re naturally jealous creatures and love to criticize everything. When we accuse a polite person of being soft and a rude person of being brutal, we not only feel good but also satisfy our hunger for criticism.
Remember that no matter how wonderful your achievements are, there will always be people who judge you and try to drag you down to their level. Never forget that those people are actually cowards who can’t face their own selves.

“The people who criticize, judge, and look down on others the most are, in fact, the ones who are most afraid to confront their own inner shame.”

Platon

On the other hand, if you have very sincere and honest friends, I’d say don’t let them go. Instead of making fun of your mistakes, they’ll help you move past them. Deepen your bond with those people as much as possible.
Don’t forget about two-faced people either. They might praise you to your face while making up gossip behind your back. Don’t fall for their tricks and games.

Don’t Be a Perfectionist
One of the biggest mistakes you can make while trying to improve and develop yourself is getting hung up on small things. For example, you wanted to wake up at 7 a.m., but you got up at 7:05. In this situation, some people I know say, “I’m already late,” and give up before the day has even begun.
So what’s the reason for this? Of course, it’s trying to do everything flawlessly. But we humans can never do everything perfectly — that’s just our nature. So instead of leaving whatever you’re doing as is, it’s better to push yourself for just five more minutes.

Just Do Exercise
I know this sounds like an overly common piece of advice, but I believe starting the day with a little exercise wakes up both your mind and body. Even a half-hour run outdoors can brighten your day.
Plus, it’s not just in the morning — any physical activity you do throughout the day helps reduce stress and keeps your body healthy.
I’m not going to list the benefits of exercise — after all, we all know them. Still, for those who don’t exercise, my advice is to sign up for a gym as soon as possible.

Writing Your Feelings
Sometimes there will be things you don’t want to share because you think the people around you won’t understand. In moments like these, all you really need to do is pick up a pen and a piece of paper.
You don’t always have to share everything, and in daily life, we already suppress most of our thoughts and feelings. That’s why writing down what’s on your mind in the morning and evening will make you feel so at peace that you’ll turn it into a habit.

Remember that life is a very long journey, and bad things are bound to happen. So always look ahead and stay happy.
That’s all for my suggestions for now — thank you for reading this far :)

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Wanderer above the Sea of Fog, Caspar David Friedrich

That’s why I want to talk to you about the movement of absurdism — which best captures my thoughts — and the books of its representative, Albert Camus.
Absurdism is a philosophical movement that argues that, since there is no creator, humanity’s efforts to find meaning in the universe are a futile endeavor, and that this search for meaning will ultimately fail.
Albert Camus, one of the movement’s leading figures, vividly portrays in *The Stranger* the individual who has become completely alienated from life in all its stark simplicity.
The main character, Meursault, witnesses many events — including his mother’s death — but shows no emotion toward any of them. Having become incapable of feeling anything, the character doesn’t even react after killing a man.
This thought at the end of the book, however, fully explains the reality of life to us:

But everyone knows that life is not worth the trouble of living. In fact, I am not unaware that it doesn’t matter whether I die at thirty or seventy; because in either case, quite naturally, other men and other women will continue to live, and this will go on for thousands of years. In short, nothing could have been clearer. Whether now or twenty years from now, it was always me who would die.

Meursault, who maintains his indifference even as he heads to his execution at the end of the book, is one of the characters who best illustrates absurdism.
What I’m trying to say is, instead of taxing your mind with all sorts of questions about meaning, just accept it and enjoy the brief life you have.

Albert Camus