know that if you ever walk into your place of employ and have the thought occur to you “Well…I guess this is what I do everyday”, then you are probably not doing what God designed you to do with your life.

I feel confident telling you that if you ever get the intrusive suspicion that you were make for more in this life - you were! So chase it down!

I’m thankful for my time as WVSOP. In those 2 years of full-time study, the staff there works incredibly hard with great efficiency to compress 4 years-worth of curriculum into that time, encompassing every conceivable biblical topic from hermeneutics to homiletics. It’s a daunting but immensely rewarding undertaking. It was a time that I, for the first time, had given my entire life’s priority over to the study of God’s Word. For any who have likewise undertaken something similar - you know that along with the increase any increase in knowledge will come a commensurate increase in the questions that will arise. In that season I made it my business to chase down every question, no matter how off limits. In a world where the “status quo” is safe, easy enough to repeat, and often times rewarded - there were moments in which I wondered “am I out of my mind for even thinking about this?” In some of my more dramatic moments I wondered if my constant questioning and digging for more would eventually get me thrown out of school and our fellowship at large! Nobody had to ask me “Who do you think you are?” because the question was already a part of my internal playlist. I owe a debt of gratitude to men like Andy Robison, the director of our school/seminary for unflinchingly encouraging me to keep asking my questions. His encouragement became the bedrock of my philosophy that

not only is God not afraid of our questions, but there are always incredibly rich and profound answers on the other side of a faithful pursuit of them. After all, if you don’t ask the real questions, you’ll never make real disciples.

There are countless others who encouraged me along the way as well, but one of the voices I did not expect, yet one who inspired an incredible amount of hope in me was a brother I have not yet met by the name of Wes McAdams.

In my constant pursuit of seemingly “out of bounds” questions, I stumbled upon Wes’ blog and podcast “Radically Christian”. For me in that season, it was like an oasis in the desert. There was another faithful voice, asking the questions that it seemed so many were afraid to ask, or couldn’t be bothered to consider at all. What’s more, Wes was meeting these questions not with pat answers - but instead with nuanced, humble, sometimes challenging takes. I remember early on listening to an episode and thinking “Maybe I’m not crazy after all.” Those kinds of voices are so important for us to encounter and engage. I reached out to Wes via email not really expecting a response, but he did. From there we began a friendship that has been one of the greater blessings of my life and ministry.

Over the years God has given us some awesome opportunities to collaborate in ministry, and among those is my having had the privilege of joining Wes for several episodes of the podcast. It’s always an honor to contribute to something that has itself been such a blessing, encouragement, and inspiration for you on your own journey.

About That Announcement

Last week it was announced that I have joined the Radically Christian podcast as co-host! Last year, Wes invited me to join him as the co-host of the podcast in 2026. An opportunity I leaped at, and I have graciously accepted. This podcast has been a blessing to me, and I know for so many others over the years. I’m incredibly excited and honored to be joining the show alongside a brother I greatly admire.

It is my sincerest hope that God will continue to use it to reach and encourage many more who find themselves exactly where I was; with lots of meaningful, worthwhile questions. You aren’t crazy, you aren’t alone, and God isn’t intimidated by your questions either.

It’s my goal, and I know it’s Wes’ as well, that this run of episodes will bring you the same bold yet humble, nuanced answers and conversations to hard questions that will help our brothers and sisters grow and thrive as disciples of Jesus.

I can tell you that we have some exciting conversations lined up for the year. I can’t wait for everyone to join us in digging deep! This year’s episodes will be dedicated to tackling some of the most frequently asked, difficult questions and tricky to interpret passages. Given my background as a chronic question asker, I can’t think of a better theme for 2026.

I hope that you’ll choose to come and rock with us all year long, but I hope even more that when you do, you’ll be as blessed by the journey as I have been. For the existing Radically Christian community, as one of you, it’s an honor to join you for the ride.

Here’s to learning to love like Jesus and making 2026 Radically Christian.

You Can Find The First Episode Of 2026 Us Here On Substack:

Radically Christian

Should Christians Make New Year's Resolutions

On this episode of the Radically Christian Podcast, Wes McAdams introduces the show’s new co-host for 2026. Together, Wes and the new host explore what it means to pursue spiritual convictions over mere New Year’s resolutions, emphasizing that transformation comes from becoming who God created us to be rather than just modifying behavior. They discuss t…

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Since we’re taking on hard questions this year, I’d love for you leave one for our consideration in a future episode in the comments below! You never know what we might get into!

Grace and Peace,
-Marcus

Several years ago as I returned to the car from grabbing a few essentials at the grocery store, I noticed that the truck that pulled in beside me was so crooked that it nearly blocked me in. This parking job was so bad that I thought to myself “Man! WHAT an idiot!! He almost clipped me!” I was certain no vehicle gets into a space this poorly unless it was done on purpose. We’ve all seen those guys, and it was THAT bad. I immediately filed whoever the driver was into the same bucket of infuriating folks who just leave their carts in the middle of parking lots. Perhaps you’re like me?

Almost nothing leads me to make a judgement faster on the character of a person I have never seen or met than seeing that empty cart in a parking lot.

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Perhaps I should ask, what is it about the experience of retail parking that brings out the worst in people, and the worst in me?

As I mentally worked through what would surely be several full wheel rotations to get my car free from the space, I happened to notice the driver was still nearby - just then leaving his vehicle. I glimpsed the top of his head moving on the other side through the window. By the grace of God I somehow managed to hold my tongue, and got into my car. I don’t know how I came to be in such an ill mood and fragile temperament that day, and I’ve taken a lot of time in deep consideration of that question since. All I can tell you about that day, is that never have I been so close to a live security camera altercation.

Because this guy’s truck was SO crooked, I was forced to back out opposite the norm, retracing the entire corridor of cars towards the store. It was fine, there was no damage to my car. It took me maybe an additional 37 seconds to adjust for the grievous sins of this inconsiderate, sub-human scum. “You know what? This time I am going to say something.” I pulled forward, all the while berating and excoriating this guy internally - heaping on him all the frustrations of the day as if his parking job was somehow a reflection of everything that was wrong in the world. I caught up with him just as he made his way to the crossing at the front door.

The man was wearing a veteran’s jacket. But, as conviction started to rise within me, my inflamed ego pushed back “a shame someone I should respect feels so entitled.”

But then, I noticed another detail. The man was moving slowly with a noticeable limp. He favored his right side considerably. Actually, it didn’t look like one leg was working much at all. My unjustified rage was beginning to unravel as a chill ran down my spine. I don’t know if time slowed for a moment, but from my perspective it stood still as I scanned, analyzed, and observed this man for whom I had gathered so much undue disdain, not only limping but clearly also nursing some sort of disability to his right arm. This poor man… at best, only half of his body was working for him. He wasn’t bullying his way through traffic or the crowd as if the world revolved around him. He’d stopped there at the cross to wave with his good hand to let some children pass ahead of him. Gut, meet punch. All that hot air - right out of the sails as a wave of convicting perspective rained down.

It was one of those moments when God jerks you by the collar and reminds you of something very important:

NEVER for a second assume that everyone you see is as lucky as you are.

For someone who is as fortunate as I am, with everything in the world going for me - sure, I would be an inconsiderate jerk to park so haphazardly. But all hemispheres of my body work seamlessly. He was operating sub 50%. This man’s limp may well have come from sacrificing his body under fire from enemy iron. My only limp comes from the menial soreness I have from flexing my functionality behind the safety of a garage door under my own iron. Sometimes the arrogance I discover in in my own heart grieves me. Life is comparatively easy for me next to this gentleman. It probably takes more effort for me to park sideways than in line. And therein lies precisely where I was totally wrong to assume life is just that easy for everyone else.

Instead of stewarding well my blessings with gratitude and humility, I was found wielding them from a place of unmerited superiority.

Life is seldom that easy. It feels so natural for us to slip into our unfounded assumptions about the character of other people without even thinking. And though we’re all guilty of this, truly there’s no excuse for someone who is the recipient of such deep grace as I.

The next time something that seems easy for you causes you to step outside grace and begin railing at whoever and whatever inconvenienced you REMEMBER: you’ve received too much grace for that. The person you’re berating is more valuable than that. And the truth is you have no idea who they are or what they’re going through. They just might be battling life circumstances you can’t even fathom because so many times, and for so many people...life just isn’t that easy.

This man wasn’t arrogant or entitled, but I was both.

Time resumed.

I pulled up beside him. Smiled, gave a friendly wave...and pulled off choking back a few tears, and swallowing all of my entitled, bitter pride.

Thank you to all of our veterans. Your service and sacrifice have made our lives easy. We owe you so much more than we often show.

Some heroes walk with a limp.
God is good.

Every disciple faces the moment when they must confront the difference between who they thought they were, and who they actually are.

Our failures can feel like permanent disqualifications. Especially the ones we didn’t think we were capable of. Peter didn’t believe he could fall. In this, Peter’s story is the story of us all. But what if your falling doesn’t cancel your calling?

In my last drop I took a deep look at the betrayal, psychology, and tragedy of Judas and his betrayal. It was a raw and hopefully convicting look at a figure who we commonly make into a cartoonish villain with whom we have nothing in common, but who actually remains a complex and sobering mirror for us all to look into. For as much as we would like to believe that we would NEVER do what Judas did - that we would NEVER sell Jesus for 30 pieces of silver…but when we get really honest it turns out that many of us - myself included have sold Jesus for far less than that.

It’s sobering to recognize that the distance between Judas and I isn’t as vast as I imagine it to be.

It’s humbling to admit that the seeds of his downfall are alive in our own assumptions, compromises, and the quiet bargains we make with God.

Read "The Judas In Me" Here

This time, I’m compelled to take one more look at Judas - but this time not Judas alone. What happens right after the end of the Last Supper probably escapes our notice if we aren’t locked in in with laser focus. The story moves quickly, and it’s easy to jump right into the trials of Jesus and the crucifixion. But Jesus take a moment to give a deep shot of perspective that His disciples were going to need to heed if their faith was going to survive what was about to happen. And as it turns out, it’s the same shot of perspective we as His disciples today need if our faith is going to survive too.

One Of These Things Is ‘EXACTLY’ Like The Others

Jesus has just eaten the Passover with the disciples. He has just, as a matter of fact, instituted communion and dismissed Judas as the betrayer in the full view of them all the rest. And then He says something challenging to them:

Jesus alarmingly says that it’s not JUST Judas who was going to betray Him. The eleven are understandably taken aback. Moments before, while they were eating Jesus had said someone would betray Him. They all asked in disbelief “Lord is it I?” Almost as if to say “Surely not me Lord…so which of us??” The gospels recount that they ALL responded this way.

Jesus is now making it a point to let them ALL know that they do not hold moral superiority above Judas.

Judas was going to betray Jesus yes, BUT “ALL of you” need to know that each and every one of you is going to desert me as well. Jesus is warning them that none of them is above betrayal.

Of course, their response is “no we won’t”. Peter, ever the most brash and vocal of the bunch, is caught here playing a game of comparison. His response reveals that he views his own righteousness in light of the other disciples, and not in light of Jesus. So he responds “even if all of these fall away, I won’t”.

This moment should give us all pause. We must be careful not to be puffed up in our own ego and sense of right standing by comparing ourselves with others. How often do we fall into this trap telling ourselves: “even if all those other people do such and such we I always stand for what’s right.” How easy it is to slip into the trap of critical judgement at the falling of another “I would never be caught dead in that situation.” Or “I would never stoop so low.”

All of these exclamations of ego come from comparing ourselves and esteeming our own righteousness in comparison to other people. But righteousness isn’t measured in comparison between we and our neighbors, it’s measured by the standard of Jesus Christ – to whom we all fall woefully short in every conceivable way.

So common is this trap to the human nature that all of the disciples jump in agreeing with Peter, claiming that even if they have to die they will never betray, deny, or desert Jesus.

That Escalated Quickly

As we know, not long after this, things careen wildly out of control. Judas shows up with a mob. Peter takes off an ear. Jesus puts it back on. Jesus is arrested without resisting at all and expeditiously taken through 2 informal, illegal, sham trials before the high priests, another by Pontius Pilate, and is condemned to die all in one night.

Everything has come crashing down around the disciples, and it’s in his chaos that we find Peter without his moorings, or the backbone he’s flexed in the past in an outer courtyard. He had been following from a distance and watching all of this unfold, and the one who would “be willing to die” for Jesus was about to have his chance to show the quality of his character.

I can relate to Peter. As he sits there with the sinking, cold, heavy, realization that they were actually going to kill Jesus… Everything that he has measured himself by…, everything that he believes in, everything that he thought has been torn away. What’s worse is that he has not lived up to who he said he was. He isn’t who he thought he was. In fact, he is exactly what he said he wasn’t…and so he weeps bitterly.

As he mourns, trying to reconcile what he had just done, I know Peter wondered if God could ever forgive such a crippling failure? Would God turn His face away? He knows he has committed the ultimate betrayal. I wonder if Peter thought he would ever even be able to forgive himself?

Peter was shocked that he was as broken and fearful as he had turned out to be. How could he, the great confessor and defender of the faith, come apart at the seams under the pressure of a servant girl.

A Greater Betrayal?

Too often we fail to realize the gravity of what Peter has just done. In that world, for a disciple to publicly disassociate with their rabbi is simply unheard of. It’s the truest form of spitting in the face of his teacher. In fact, some scholars and theologians argue that given the context, it could be argued that Peter’s denial of Jesus is in many ways a much deeper betrayal than that of Judas. But how?

It's important to consider that

Judas made his error while being misguided in his understanding of Jesus’s mission, but Peter refuses to associate with Jesus publicly at all.

It’s one thing to get the teaching of your rabbi wrong, we all fail in this way. Judas’s failure here happens to be of a level and severity that rises to the extreme. Yet and still, it is another thing altogether to publicly disassociate with your rabbi, effectively denying any connection, relationship, loyalty, or allegiance to them at all. At the roosters call, Peter realizes what he has done and no doubt hears Jesus own words in ringing loudly in his head “if you deny my before man I will deny you before my Father in heaven.” That’s how devastatingly serious Peter’s denial actually is.

I’ll See Myself Out

We only begin to glimpse the significance of this moment by piecing together the gospel accounts following the crucifixion and resurrection of Jesus. Most notably a brief line in Mark’s account (16:7), and then by looking intently at Jesus’s interaction with Peter at the end of the Gospel of John.

Beginning with the latter we see by this time, Peter has decided to go fishing. He’s gone back to his old life before Jesus. Why? It’s because

Peter understands that the nature of his betrayal means his time as a disciple is over. He has forsaken his rabbi. This is THE cardinal offense.

Even though he has by this point been to the empty tomb, in his mind, he’s no longer a disciple. He goes back to fishing because that was his trade. This isn’t even surprising to the other disciples because, strangely enough, they join him.

Before going any further, consider this: Without John’s Gospel, we would know very little about what happens to Peter until the book of Acts. The rest of the gospel accounts, aside from mentioning he runs to the tomb after the resurrection, stop recording Peter’s story after his denial in the courtyard.

It’s only because of the account of John, one of Peter’s best friends, that we get this personal and intimate look into the reinstatement of Peter as a disciple at all.

Without John’s gospel, we might be reading the book of Acts, where Peter is fully reinstated and leading the movement, asking “Hold up! How did Peter even get back in here?”

Mark’s account gives us a small but incredibly meaningful insight into this reality.

Without knowing what to look for you may miss some the peculiar but intentional wording here. “go tell the disciples…AND Peter.”

Why the distinction between the two? It’s because if the angel doesn’t specify Peter’s name, the women are going to leave him out of the proclamation of the good news.

Peter is not a disciple anymore. Peter doesn’t even believe he is. It’s hard to wrap our minds around because we are so distant from the context of this moment and how the rabbinic world worked. Mark’s record shows us just how seriously Peter has blown it. Denying your rabbi is a mistake you do not expect to come back from.

Some see this as the reason why the gospels each emphatically and repeatedly throughout identify Judas as the betrayer of Jesus. Some scholars even argue it’s possible that a first-century reader, especially a Jewish one, would read the story and would identify Peter, not Judas as the betrayer. So it is that the gospels again and again keep reiterating directly that Judas is the betrayer to MAKE SURE we’re getting it right.

Better Than You Know Yourself

If denying your rabbi is the ‘greater’ betrayal of their time, then what is it then about this contrast between Peter and Judas that makes Judas the one who REALLY betrayed Jesus?

I believe it comes down to their response to their falling, and how their stories end. Both of these men make huge mistakes. One of them totally misunderstands who Jesus is and what kind of kingdom He’s bringing. The other has a similar misunderstanding, and then disassociates completely denying even the slightest connection to Jesus.

Both are devastatingly wrong, but one decides that their story ends there. The other decided they are willing look Jesus, and their failure in the eyes.

Think back to when Jesus preemptively told the disciples they would desert Him ahead of time, and when He told Peter ahead of time that he would deny Him not once, not twice, but thrice. Jesus then said, in the same breath that He would see them in Galilee on the other side. Jesus was way ahead of the events that would follow, including Peter’s betrayal and the scattering of the others. Despite this, He is making plans to continue the mission after the death and resurrection none of them can fathom is coming.

The implications of this are striking. It means that God’s faithfulness, Jesus’s mission, and most importantly Jesus’ love for you is NOT DEPENDENT ON YOUR PERFECT PERFORMANCE.

He knows us all the way to the bottom – even better than we know ourselves!! Jesus was already planning for Peter’s restoration before Peter’s betrayal even happened.

Someone may be reading this who has decided that God can’t use them because of what they’ve done, or mistakes they’ve made in the past. Another believes the lie that now that they’ve done “THAT” thing - their time as a disciple of Jesus is over, forever tainted, and that what God had originally called them to do in this world is now lost.

If that’s you, Jesus says you’re wrong.

Again - YOU. ARE. WRONG.

Someone told me a while back that when God made His plan for the world and included your life in it that He already figured your flaws and stupidity into the equation.

I felt that one.

Jesus can be knowing they are ALL going to fail Him miserably, and still be going ahead of them into Galilee because God has already done the math on this whole equation.

We would be wise, to remember in moments of stress and duress that GOD MATH DOESN’T MISS!

Your Falling Doesn’t Cancel Your Calling

Peter and Judas both betrayed Jesus. But Peter and Judas are vastly different. When Judas realized he had betrayed Jesus, in keeping with his M.O., he sees as the only solution an option drawn out of the same playbook that got him into this mess. He forces God’s hand one more time. Judas decides that there is NO coming back from this. He takes his own life because though his heart is overcome with guilt and grief: in his zeal he restricts what God can do -what Jesus can do.

He said something in his heart that probably isn’t too terribly unfamiliar to you:

“There’s no coming back from this.”

“I can’t be forgiven for this.”

“I don’t deserve to live.”

Then we have Peter, who has according to his worldview, committed the greater betrayal - the one there really should be no coming back from, and yet he has not hardened his heart further like Judas. Instead, what he has experienced has humbled his heart.

It’s subversively beautiful because this experience makes Peter even greater than he ever could have been without enduring it.

When Peter, who no longer considers himself among the disciples, hears the word of the gospel he still runs to see what has happened at the tomb. It shows he still loves Jesus - he still cares. In this passage at the end of the gospel of John where we saw Peter, not knowing where to go from here, return to his fishing trade we see him following a common human impulse.

Peter goes back to work. He goes back to what he knows, to what’s familiar. Maybe this is something he won’t fail catastrophically at. It’s worth asking ourselves how often we have time and again retreated into less than what God has called us to do in the same way? We answer God’s call and at the first sign of resistance, obstacles, or whiff of failure we immediately recoil and withdraw into the familiar.

Here’s the amazing part. Peter does not believe he’s a disciple anymore. But when he says he’s going fishing: the rest of the disciples go with him. Jesus shows up, and playfully taunts Peter and the others much like he did when He first called them to follow Him “have you any fish?”

Peter and the rest say “No.”

But what did Jesus tell Peter he was going to make him back at the very beginning when he first called him into discipleship?

He said “Follow me, and I will make you a fisher of men…”

And look in Peter’s boat, there are no fish, but there are all these men who are there standing beside him. These are disciples of Jesus, who even at Peter’s lowest moment, are still following him. And they’re following him because he has become exactly what Jesus promised him that he would become. He is, despite his greatest failure – a fisher of men.

Peter’s fall did not cancel out Jesus’s call!

In that boat, with no fish, Peter thinks he’s lost, and Jesus is reminding Him that

Jesus DOESN’T LOSE WHAT BELONGS TO HIM.

Their failure to catch any fish is a reminder to Peter and the others of what Jesus had actually called them to do and be. Peter caught no fish that night, but even in his weakness he had caught all the other men.

If you are reading this, you need to realize that whether you are at your best, or at your worst in this very moment, as a child of God you are CALLED to be a disciple maker and fulfill the purpose God has for you in this life. There are people in your vicinity RIGHT NOW who are watching you and following you whether you realize it or not.

Your Falling Has Not Cancelled Your Calling!

A Tale Of Two Hearts

After brunch on the beach, John records the intimate scene in which Peter goes for a walk with Jesus on the beach. Jesus presses Peter, making him confront all 3 of his denials, and at each confrontation He reiterates that the purpose for which He has called Peter has not changed.

Something important to realize about the way Peter answers Jesus is that what Peter has experienced is actually the very thing that has now made him able and worthy to fulfill Jesus’s call. When Jesus told the eleven that they would all betray Him on the Mount of Olives, it was Peter who said “even if all of these” fall away I will never betray you. Now Jesus confronts that very moment by asking Peter if he love Jesus “more than these.” Peter’s response is humble, now showing a changed heart in ignoring the temptation to compare himself to the others as he did before, “Yes Lord.” A second time Jesus asks him, and Peter’s response not comes closer to the biggest truth his heart was missing before “you know that I love you.” The reason it’s drawing Peter closer to the heart of his original betrayal is seen clearly in the third exchange when it becomes fully realized: “Simon son of John, do you love me?” This time Peter arrives all at once at the fullness of his failings and the fullness of his repentance. When Peter says “Lord, you know ALL things…” it signifies that Peter has not just confronted his failure, but he has both repented AND learned a lesson that has made him now able to walk the path Jesus has called him to.

When Jesus told Peter after the last supper that he would fall away, Peter looked him in the eyes and said in essence “No Jesus. I know me better than you know me.” What Peter thought was a declaration of great faith, was actually an arrogant assertion that revealed how vulnerable he actually was. Consider the audacity to look Jesus in the eyes, He by whom the entire creation is held together by a word of His power, and tell Him that He is wrong about anything. That He’s got you pegged wrong. That you know better than Him. Peter’s answer on the beach reveals that he is now aware of his error. “Lord you know ALL things…” And if you know all things - it means you know me better than I even know myself. But it also means you know that I love you.

Jesus responds to Peter’s courage, his repentance, and his growth by re-affirming His intention to partner with Peter in His mission for His world. We ought to think deeply and ask: if I met my own failures with courage, repentance, and the growth of my faith in Jesus – would He not meet me with the same mercy, grace, and mission?

We have all made terrible, even devastating mistakes. You and I alike have betrayed Jesus also. We’ve all sold Him for less than 30 pieces of silver over and over. None of that is in question. The question for you and I is whether in those failings we have let our heart become like Judas? Or the heart of Peter? Have our mistakes hardened our heart into the exact same pattern and fashion that led to the mistakes, or have they humbled and softened our heart into repentance – and the ability to receive what Jesus has for us?

Jesus had to let Peter call so that he would be able to fulfill his call. Have you considered that God may have taken the same approach with you? Has He let you fall so that you can learn what you need to learn to fulfill His call?

Peter was willing to FACE JESUS and his failures. And so must we if we are to become everything Jesus has called us to be.

Death Before Death

Judas decided he couldn’t face Jesus. Judas believed he was defined by his failures. And he ended his story before Jesus could write a new ending for him. Peter was willing to look Jesus in the eyes and there he realized that his failure didn’t define him, it refined him.

Our failures can either define us or refine us. Our heart will determine which.

You may push back on my assertion that the way you interpret your failures has given you the heart of Judas. It doesn’t’ seem to follow on the surface because Judas took his own life, and if you’re reading this, you’re still here.

No, you haven’t taken your own life physically, and for that I am glad. But I would encourage you to look inside and ask whether you have you just been killing yourself little by little emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually?

If in your despair over mistakes you’ve made you have said “there’s no coming back from this”.

“God can’t forgive this.”
“God can’t use someone as dirty and worthless as me.”
“What I’ve done is too shameful.”
“I’ve messed up too many times.”
“I’ve never been, and I’ll never be good enough.”

Then you are killing the calling that Jesus has given you in this life little by little.

I’m afraid many of us die long before they put us in the ground.

In our discouragement we become husks. Shells of what God had in mind when He formed us, walking around perpetually wallowing with the rope of our self-regret around our necks – a shame-filled prison of our own making. We rule ourselves out of God’s plans, and out of any responsibility to the call He’s given us.

With one breath we say Christ’s sacrifice covers and redeems all things and with the next we say “just not ones as bad as mine.”

This IS the heart of Judas: and the harrowing reality of it is that it turns one betrayal into a continuing sequence of unending betrayals. It means, like Peter did initially, we now look Jesus in the eyes to tell Him that He’s wrong about us. That He can’t use us. We know better than Him. It’s the death before death.

Praise be to God that we serve a King who has defeated and disarmed death.

Jesus’s question for you and I today is the same as it was to Peter: “My child, have you any fish?”

Jesus says “I still have a plan and a purpose for you. There’s no mistake or life I cannot redeem and work through for good. Let’s take a walk on the beach.”

The Meaning Of Betrayal

The only true betrayal of Jesus, and what He stands for is to believe that there’s no tomorrow for you. It’s to believe that there’s no coming back from this, whatever “this” is in your life. Judas decided his mistakes could not be overcome. Judas decided his story was going to end right there. Judas decided that God was not willing or capable of redeeming his mess.

And that’s why Judas is the one who actually betrays Jesus.

Jesus’ entire ministry from the beginning was, and always will be the living, breathing, walking revelation of the God of second, third, endless chances. He’s the God of endless hope, bottomless grace, and reckless love.

Peter was willing to walk on a beach with Jesus and face his greatest fears, his insecurities, and his greatest failures. He was willing to look through the disillusion of who he thought he was, the pain of who he actually is, and into the loving eyes of the one he had betrayed.

More than that, Peter was willing to trust that when Jesus said that he was still worth saving and still fit to be partnered with Jesus in His mission, that Jesus meant what He said. Because of this, Peter is able and willing to do what Judas couldn’t: he trusted Jesus to give him a new tomorrow.

Have you trusted Jesus to give you a new tomorrow? Or are you reliving the same story over and over, stuck in the prison of mistakes long past?

If that’s you, I want to remind you that the gospel of Jesus has always been a story about new tomorrows. This story has always been about allowing God to write incredible endings to our broken and tragic beginnings. This story has always been an invitation to trust God when He says you have value and acceptance and worth beyond your performance. It’s a persistent reminder that you aren’t defined by your deepest insecurities, or greatest fears, or your most devastating mistakes.

You are defined by the One who made you, redeemed you, called you, and still to this very moment - no matter what you’ve done, loves you and has a plan and purpose for you.

To the soul in this prison, I write this with all seriousness and hope that you will take it to heart. Stop killing yourself by thinking there’s no coming back from whatever it is you’ve told yourself disqualifies you.

Satan can’t take away the calling God has placed on your life. He can only discourage you into abandoning it.

All Of Us

Jesus told the disciples after the Last Supper that they ALL would betray Him for a reason. In so doing He told us that we ALL would. But He also told us that He was going before into Galilee, and this means that Jesus wants us to know that NONE of us are any better than Judas, we aren’t any better than Peter, and we aren’t any better than each other. We’re all in the same fishless boat. We ALL betray Jesus. We ALL fall short. But He IS going before us into Galilee and the meaningful future He has planned for us. Once we are confronted with the reality of our own brokenness, we ALL have the choice to harden our hearts like Judas, refusing to meet Jesus there on the beach where He wants to partner with us in His mission…or we can humble ourselves like Peter, and see how beautiful it is to realize that our King is the God of 2nd, 3rd, 4th, and endless chances - that Jesus NEVER loses what belongs to Him, and that your purpose on this planet can’t be taken away by your performance.

If you belong to Jesus your falling doesn’t cancel your calling: in the end it only makes it all the greater.

Peter’s denial and restoration are proof to us that failure is never the end of the story. Grace still waits on the shore, asking the same question: “Do you love me?”

This is not about the story of Peter and Judas. It’s about all of us.

Where have you turned away in fear, where have you decided your story ends here? That’s the place Jesus inviting you to return and to look Him in the eyes.

Take time to reflect, and if you are willing, share your thoughts in the comments. Your honesty may be the encouragement someone else needs to come back to take a walk with Jesus on the beach today. You never know who needs your story.

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Tension Reveals Reality

The Last Supper is both a beautifully intimate and palpably tension filled moment. There’s a heaviness in the air because all the threads and ambitions of the whole Jesus movement are now coming so close together that they are pressing against one another and to the surface. We are in the eleventh hour now, and times of pressure and tension don’t change who you are, they reveal who you are. And every person at the table knows that “something” - whatever that thing is - is about to happen. The tension thick.

In fact, things are already happening behind the scenes. Truly, events have now been set in motion by one of the Bible’s most notorious figures that cannot now be undone. Just before Jesus reclines for His final Passover, Judas steps into center frame, brokering a deal with the chief priests who have been looking for an opportunity to do away with Jesus - and agrees to deliver Him into their hands by cover of night for the paltry sum of thirty pieces of silver

This is likely a story that even those with little to no background in Christianity know well. It’s synonymous with the concept of betrayal. Many more have heard this story from the time they were young in Sunday school. Religious or not, the story has passed into our collective consciousness. We call a friend who crosses us a “Judas”, and it’s understood what that means. But I have become convinced that we may need to set aside what we think we already know.

It’s easy to keep Judas at a distance from us.

After all, we would never have betrayed Jesus. Right?

No, we would never have sold Jesus!

What worthless scum Judas is. He was a liar and a thief from the beginning we rail on – emboldened by the words of Jesus “better if he were never born”. I agree it’s healthy to experience the outrage and the scandal that Judas’ betrayal of Jesus really is. But what of the really difficult questions it’s meant to provoke - the ones that will bring this story closer to home than may be comfortable us?

HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN?

When it comes to the understanding of sin and our own sinfulness, it’s not enough to ask what have I done? We must also ask “what am I capable of doing”. It is always wise to push further to question if I were under certain threats, certain temptations, certain pressures, and had certain opportunities…could I produce great evil? Could I, under circumstances I haven’t experienced yet commit the unthinkable? The bible perhaps nowhere more emphatically than in the case of Judas, tells us “YES”.

So who was Judas? How did he end up here? How could this have happened? Unfortunately, for many of us Judas has been a lot like the pharisees in that we have received a very surface treatment of him.

He’s presented as this crude caricature - a cartoon villain, almost inhuman. A devil, the picture perfect snake in the grass. Someone whom the story needs but isn’t really a person made in the image of God.

He’s not like us, he’s not like me, he is evil incarnate and therefore I have nothing in common with this man. The only lesson for me is to watch my circle closely to see that no Judas like him enters mine.

But Judas is not a cartoon. He’s not a caricature meant only to take the fall. In fact I believe there is a little Judas in us all.

The Zealot

Judas’ name gives us some clues to his psychology and background. Most scholarship suggests his name “Iscariot” means literally “man from Kerioth”. This is telling because current scholarship suggests Kerioth was a known Zealot compound. As such we can know with a reasonable degree of certainty that Judas was likely the 2nd zealot among Jesus disciples - as we know also of Simon called the zealot.

The zealots were a subset of the ‘Hasidim’, a group of Jews that also included the Pharisees. They were strong in the Galilee, and had a history of violent revolutionary uprisings reaching back to the time of the Seleucid occupation of Judea. Famously, the zealots led by another Judas (Maccabeus) repelled the military force of an empire to gain freedom. It’s where the celebration of Hanukkah draws its inspiration. Following that improbable success, the zealots handed control to the priests, who would go on to betray them by brokering a deal with Rome to make Herod the Great King in Judea.

Ever since this betrayal;, the zealots had been essentially biding their time just waiting for the opportunity to oust the corrupt priesthood and the Roman occupiers.

Zealots saw themselves as “robin hood” type anti-heroes. Robbing the rich to feed their poor and oppressed brothers. This makes a lot of sense as we see Judas volunteering to be the treasurer of the group (because no way would he let Matthew a former tax collector for Rome man the post), and also his complaints about money that could be given to the poor. In his gospel, John calls him a thief, and so it seems Judas may have been regularly playing robin hood with the treasury of Jesus.

Other scholars even go further associating his name “Iscariot” to be a play on a connection to an even more radical branch of the zealots called the “Sicarii”. The sicarii were known political terrorists who became famous for their curved dagger of the same name they would conceal in their sleeves. This group was so radical that many took vows that if they ever encountered a roman soldier alone, they would not allow them to leave alive. They famously assassinated the chief priest on one occasion right in the middle of the temple grounds. They were ruthless, aggressive, political terrorists.

All this paints a complex picture and motivation for Judas. Judas was likely a brash, fiercely loyal, political activist with a deep love and patriotism for his country and people.

This is helpful context, but it’s also why many traditional characterizations begin to have major problems. Because if Judas is as he’s been so often painted - evil incarnate. If he is just an irredeemable pit of ill will - if he really was just trying to get Jesus killed to make a few dollars, then his actions don’t match in any way the crude caricature that has been painted of him.

You don’t become overcome with grief and commit suicide from seeing your intentions and your plans go as expected. There’s more going on here.

A Few Key Observations

1st - Judas was in fact, a committed disciple of Jesus. He was actively involved in the ministry even healing and casting out demons as recorded in Luke (9:1–2) and elsewhere. Consider that in ALL the gospel accounts when Jesus says “one of you will betray me” none of them knew who it was. No one could point to another and say “yea he’s been suspect from the jump”. No, instead they all ask “Lord is it I?” not believing it’s even possible. Even after the plain statements of Jesus, when Judas leaves the scene, the scriptures indicate that the rest of the disciples still didn’t peg him as betrayer, assuming he was off to procure supplies for Passover.

This means 2 things. First - that Judas looked like and was like everyone else. Second that even Judas doesn’t realize the gravity and reality of what he’s already begun to do.

In addition to this, Judas was with Jesus for 3 years in ministry. This is a warning to us that OUR involvement in ministry is not in and of itself a guarantee or mark of OUR spiritual health.

Your proximity to Jesus does not mean your loyalty to Jesus. Truly some of those who stick the closest to home find themselves to be furthest from the throne.

Judas saw the clearest evidence. His eyes beheld the One. His ears heard the best sermons, the best teaching. He had backstage explanations of all the parables. His feet walked in the footprints of the greatest example, leader, and influential person ever and yet this man STILL betrayed Jesus.

How Can Things Go THIS Wrong?!?

A really important thing to remember is that nobody, and I mean NOBODY understands Jesus mission at this moment in time. The disciples don’t get it, Jesus enemies in the priesthood don’t get it, the Pharisees don’t get it, the scripture says the dark powers and principalities don’t get it or else they would have never crucified Jesu. Judas certainly doesn’t get it. NOBODY gets it. Only a condemned thief on the cross it seems to have any idea what Jesus kingdom really is about. That is a story for it’s own time.

So far, everyone actually has actually misidentified Jesus as a zealot. They think He is coming with a violent militaristic overthrow of Rome. This is so much the case that even AFTER the resurrection, the disciples are going to be asking “Lord, will you at this time restore the kingdom to Israel?” Judas, a zealot himself certainly misunderstands what Jesus kingdom is about, and what He’s actually in Jerusalem to do.

Inside The Mind Of Betrayal

In order to understand why Judas may have done what he did, we have to attempt to see through his eyes. As noted, the zealots were a sub group of the Hasidim. The larger portion of the Hasidim were the pharisees, and that group’s legacy lives on to this day in the form of the Hasidic Jews. The larger group had left Jerusalem because they despised the high priesthood and believed they were corrupt having negotiated with Rome to make Herod king, which the Hasidim (Pharisees and zealots alike) considered a massive betrayal, and and afront to God Himself.

So intense was this disdain, that when Herod the Great died they sent a delegation to Caesar asking him NOT to make Herod’s son king. So instead, Caesar named Herod Archelaus a tetrarch, which of course, infuriates him. When he returned against the resulting unrest, he slaughtered thousands of Jews. Since then, and his subsequent cruelty in rule, there had been boiling hatred between the priesthood and the pharisees and zealots alike because of this historical context. In the mean time, zealots are just waiting for their next opportunity, picking off political targets just waiting for the moment they can lead another rebellion ousting Rome and unseating the corrupt priesthood.

And here we have Judas, who has just spent a week listening to Jesus excoriate and lay waste to the chief priests and the Sadducees. Blow after blow. Teaching after teaching. He’s heard Jesus call them out to their face on their own turf. He’s heard Jesus say this whole system is coming down! Even the temple itself will be left to rubble.

In all of this, Judas Iscariot has to be gorging himself ….just EATING ALL of this up. He’s chomping at the bit.

Clearly THIS is the moment. This is the time. Revolution is upon us and Jesus is the new ‘Hebrew Hammer’ that’s going to smash this busted system to pieces.

Judas is a man whose entire ideology is about forcing the issue. It’s about aggression and action. It’s about making things happen. It’s about forcing hands and doing what zealots do - the dirty work when nobody else is willing to. That’s how freedom is won.

Judas in this bloodlust and patriotism does only what was common to him. He crafts a plot of intrigue.

He decides to push the narrative…he decides to push God’s hand.

Judas wants to get this revolution on and popping! Everything is ready – even Jesus has said THIS is the generation. All it needs is a little… push.

Now Judas, who has seen Jesus walk on water, raise the dead, change water to wine, heal the sick and lame, feed thousands, and command demons by a word, hatches a plot to create the confrontation that will show the world who they’re really dealing with.

“I don’t care what army they bring - THIS JESUS…dude is built different. Once it starts they will see what they haven’t seen since Judas Maccabeus. It’s going to be biblical.”

All along the way Jesus has been trying to wake him up, trying to call him back, trying to reach him but at every step Judas hears Jesus - but doesn’t truly hear Him. He hears something different. He hears what he wants to hear. He hears what he’s already decided in his heart. He hears Jesus words “one of you will betray me” and he sees quotation marks around the statement. It’s not really betrayal – “it’s part of the plan” in his mind. He’s special. He’s the only one who can be trusted to get it done.

Jesus dips his hand with bread in the dish (traditionally a sign of great respect and honor) and Judas receives it as such, an affirmation of his plan, bolstering his convictions.

Jesus knows Judas has gone beyond His reach and says “whatever you do, do quickly” and Judas, blinded by HIS idea of what was happening receives it not as the pained words of the one he was betraying - but as his marching orders.

Here’s the scariest part. As Satan enters him, he is under the delusion that he’s actually doing the work of God.

So he goes out into the dark determined to show the world exactly who Jesus is. ON this day they’re going to know who they’re dealing with. And he would be right, but not in the way that he expected.

Judas was desperate to be free but he was a slave to his own assumptions, captive to his own small perspective and his own ambitions.

Judas lived his life through the ideology that if he did ‘xyx’ for God…then God would do ‘xyz’ for him.

Where It Gets Uncomfortable

When I get beneath the crude caricature, beneath all the intrigue, and all the drama, I make a horrible realization:

Judas doesn’t sound like a cartoon villain anymore. He actually sounds… a lot like me.

This is a lesson that I learned the hard way early in my adult life. My first existential crisis was in college statistics class, but my second was in a hospital bed.

I was a good kid. I grew up in a home with two God fearing parents where faith was never in question. We were in church any time the doors were opened, and I was surrounded by grandparents of faith, and countless men and women of faith around our family pouring into my kid sisters and I. So it was that I grew up really believing, and really trying to be good. I learned to ‘play the game’ – managing to have as much fun as I could without crossing the line. I had intense insecurities born of my unique ethnic background and a world that didn’t have a place for me. Sports became a sanctuary and great equalizer for me.

The sporting arena is one of the few places where backgrounds and differences disappear. People who commonly resent each other, who otherwise have no exposure to one another, or anything in common will both rejoice, cry, and embrace one another in the course of a football game. In this, I found my zone.

I was a Christian yes, but that was for making it to heaven after I die. In the mean time, I was a basketball player. That’s why people liked me, that’s why dad was proud of me, that’s why I was worthwhile.

I poured my whole identity into hoop dreams. My self-esteem, my goals, hopes, and ambitions all sprung from the beautiful sound of the ball hitting the back of the net so perfectly that the twine snaps the metal just right. I used to dream about that sound.

I had become convinced that if I did my part, was a good person, didn’t break the rules of my Christian faith, and outworked everyone I’d be able to play basketball at the collegiate level. Despite being barely 6 foot, a lethal jumper and decent athleticism had things looking pretty good. I committed to play for a small Division 2 school, which was also a Christian school where I had some connections. It was going to be perfect. I knew it would be like summer church camp year round. Hoops, faith, the pursuance of a computer science degree – it was all coming together. Until it wasn’t.

Shortly before leaving for school I suffered a bizarre knee injury that forced things into a new direction. I didn’t blow out an ACL or MCL, that’s what was frustrating. They didn’t know what it was, even MRI were inconclusive. So I decided to try to play through it. That didn’t go well either. It had changed my entire game. I had gone from a relentless, bouncy, two way player into an undersized set shooter. My coach sat me down after training camp and said “I can’t use you. You aren’t the same player so you need to go get the surgery.”

I wish I could tell you how the pit in my stomach felt in that moment. But you’ve probably experienced one like it. I don’t have the words still to this day. It was a vacuum - a black hole. The almost audible sound of the basis for my entire self-esteem being deflated in an instant. Not only was I not playing this year, it was now in doubt that I was going to play at all. There were no guarantees.

Who Was I?

I went through with the surgery, and as I began working to regain my athleticism I began to lose grip on every other facet of my life. The operation revealed dead cartilage in my knee, but what I didn’t yet recognize was this season would reveal all the dead spirit rot festering inside of me. Without my identity, I was just a guy trying to be liked and accepted. I started to make decisions that seemed uncharacteristic, and find myself in places I never dreamed.

The good Christian kid who did everything the right way for all the wrong reasons was now in every dark corner on campus.

I was living the outward expression of the double life I had inwardly cultivated over the years. Drinking, partying, chasing girls. Anyone who knew me would call it uncharacteristic but the truth is, having my idol stripped away just revealed the real quality of my character.

And Then I Woke Up

One morning in the early hours, and after a night of drinking with friends at the end of spring break I was involved in a head on collision with another vehicle on a back road near campus. There were no witnesses, no brake marks, and both I and the other driver had extensive head injuries with no memory of the crash. The police were unable to forensically reconstruct what happened other than to say someone went left of center, likely asleep.

I know who it was.

By the grace of God I did not register a blood alcohol content at the scene, but all the same - I know where I was that night. I know what I was up to. I know why I was out driving back so early. And I know whose fault it probably was.

The other driver was crushed in the wreck. She was alive, but barely. Her legs we broken in 8 places, she had multiple ruptured internal organs. She was kept in a chemically induced coma for 2 weeks while the doctors struggled to piece her back together.

I had a few deep lacerations on my legs and a concussion.

I should have never survived.

Inexplicably, I woke up later that day in the hospital lucky to still be here, knowing I shouldn’t have made it out of that crumpled mess of twisted metal. The only memory I ever recovered was the smell, the burning eyes, and being trapped underneath the dash - struggling to press the steering wheel off of my chest to breathe in an attempt to yell for help. First responders reported that I asked them “Did I hurt someone?” Contrary to what I remember, and the physical injuries to match, they found me in the back seat. No one was sure how I ended up there without exiting the vehicle, but I have an idea.

I was conscious and sober with the knowledge that I almost taken someone’s mother from them. That at minimum, I had absolutely destroyed her life - her family’s life as they knew it. I woke up to the realization that I had been wasting every single ridiculous concession and blessing that God had lavished upon me from birth until then. I was throwing it all away because I had been playing this “Christian” game for so long.

For some reason God had kept me alive. I knew that I better figure out why, and maximize it.

How Did I Even Get Here?

Exactly the same way Judas did.

For my whole life until then I thought that “If I….then God would…”

Up until that moment I thought that if I went to a Christian school it would be like summer camp year round. I thought I wouldn’t deal with snakes, that people would be more mature than they had been in high school. I thought I would be. I thought I’d play ball and dad would be proud – get a good degree and mom would be proud. I’d have it all, and then I could finally be proud. I was the insecure architect of my own selfish little world.

I didn’t think my best friend would actually be a Judas to me! But he was. I thought I grew up in church so I wouldn’t struggle with things like partying, alcohol, promiscuity, and pornography. I thought if I stayed true to me my relationships would work out.

I don’t believe I’m better than or much different from you. Isn’t this how we all fall?

You thought if you got the job it would fulfill you. You thought if you made more money - it might not buy happiness, but it would at least buy peace. Yet every time you close your eyes the anxiety doesn’t cease. You thought that if you brought your family to church it would protect them from bad things happening. You never predicted you could faithfully attend each week and still feel so empty.

Many of us thought that if we played a sport, or excelled in the arts, or made more money, it would fill all the holes in a heart riddled with insecurities. We thought if we prayed hard enough we wouldn’t continue struggle with identity.

You thought if you were faithful to your spouse they wouldn’t cheat.

You thought if you had enough faith God would surely heal your loved one.

You thought if you got baptized you wouldn’t still feel so guilty all the time.

In each of these you thought that, we thought that, I thought that if I…then God would….

And since life now isn’t what I thought it was, I’ve been making a whole lot of decisions that may seem out of my character. But I realize now this game I’ve been playing has just revealed my true nature. I’ve now made mistakes that now I’m afraid I can’t take back. I realize now that there is something I never wanted to admit inside of me.

When I look in the mirror…I see Judas staring back at me.

I’m forced to look at what I have sold for my assumptions. Who I have sold.

The truth is when I’m being really honest about my life, and my ambitions, and the way I have assumed I can manipulate the game of life and win God over -

I’ve sold Jesus for a whole lot less than 30 pieces of silver.

So I Ask With All Humility

Have you?

The story of Judas is grounds for us all to do some real soul searching. Ask yourself:

What have you sold your savior for? What ARE you selling your savior for? What have you set yourself up to sell your savior for? What in your life have you said “If I….then God will…”? What have you convinced yourself of? What have you believed that you can rig the game and force God’s hand on?

What in your life is Jesus pleading with you to realize you’ve lost the plot on - that you’ve convinced yourself that you’re doing XYZ to be free, but really you’re just like Judas; a slave to your own assumptions, captive to your own ambitions and decisions about how you think life is supposed to be.

Where are you hoping that Jesus just goes along and plays the part you’ve chosen for Him in your scheme and your life?

In each of those places you have created the right conditions for Satan to enter and lead you into doing things you never thought you were capable of.

For as long as your faith is transactional in nature you are in danger of the very worst of you reaching the surface if only the right conditions arise.

Every time we try to bargain with God we put a price on Jesus’s head - and most of the time, it’s a lot less than 30 pieces of silver.

Perhaps you look back in life to a moment like this? Where you woke up, as if from a bad dream, and you couldn’t believe you did what you had done. Overcome with shame and guilt, disgusted with yourself.

When The Shekel Drops

Judas appears with a mob and hands Jesus over, betraying Him with a kiss. Peter, with a zealot streak of his own strikes first taking off the ear of Malchus. In Judas’ mind surely this is it! Blood has been drawn and every revolution begins with a single drop. Judas reaches for his dagger in anticipation. Surely Jesus is about to SHOW THEM ALL!

And then something that Judas did not expect happens. Jesus stoops down, picks up the ear, and performs one last living miracle. He puts it back on Malchus’ face and stays Peter’s, “No…not like this.”

To Judas (and all the other disciples) shock and horror, they begin striking Jesus. Raining blows on him. Judas watches as Jesus refused to fight back. The man who stilled the waves and the storm refuses to stop the blows from raining on Him now.

There’s no resistance. No fight. No zeal. What is happening? In confusion, he flees along with the others…watching from a distance as Jesus is taken into custody.

Judas is struggling to catch up, and still not willing to believe his eyes he rationalizes “Maybe He’s waiting to unleash the fury of God in the epicenter of the rot. Yes…that’s it! They will take him to the High priest an THEN Jesus will unleash 10 legions of angels.”

And so he watches from a distance, spying Peter there as well in the courtyard. John is there too. As he eavesdrops on the proceedings he grows desperate. This is laughable. They can’t even get their stories straight. “Why doesn’t Jesus just be done with them?” None of this adds up. “The people will follow Him. They will fight! We are ready.”

Then a chill trickles up his spine for the first time. Then a feeling of nausea, cold, clammy hands…Jesus isn’t speaking at all. He makes no defense other than to repeat what they say.

His mind continues to race. “He’s not going to just let them kill him is he? NO! He couldn’t - He wouldn’t! He is bringing the kingdom! We talked about this. He told me to do what I was going to do quickly! He knew I would do it! He dipped the bread and handed it to me. He won’t just let them…”

The shekel finally drops, and the realization comes home: “What if when He said I would betray Him…he meant I was ACTUALLY betraying Him? What have I done?”

The verdict is read. The demand for crucifixion is rendered. The order is given to send Him to Pilate. Yet and still He makes no resistance.

Judas begins to come apart from within. “What have I done. They’re actually going to kill him. He was the one! I killed Him! I was so sure…what have I done!?!?”

We know how the story goes from here. Judas breaks into the temple grounds - no small feat in and of itself, and he casts the silver coins back into the presence of the high priests.

Once again, he takes matters into his own hands. This time the matters are his own life, and he hangs himself - unable to deal with his guilt and unable to see beyond yet another assumption that he has made. That there is no coming back from this, and that his story ends here.

The Good News And The Bad News

The bad news for Judas is that he could not take back the silver. He couldn’t undo what he had done. This crushing realization sends him reeling into the dark where he does what he has always done: in taking His own life, he forces God’s hand one final time.

This is true for you and I too, I’m afraid. Whatever it is that you have sold Jesus for - you can’t undo it either. But here’s what Judas didn’t realize, Jesus can undo it. In fact, He DID undo it.

Judas is a cautionary tale that no good end ever comes from giving up on Jesus. Christ.

A Plea For Grace

If you’ve made it this far allow me to ask for some grace on behalf of us all. I want you to remember that we all struggle with our own assumptions and gamification that leads to our disillusionment and disappointment in life. The same wind blows on us all. So when you see a brother or sister acting out of character please know that we are all struggling with what we THOUGHT this life was going to be, and what it ACTUALLY is. We are all alike in this. We would do well to remember we all need each other as we try to faithfully let God balance all those places where we thought that “if we….then God would…”

I want you to look at all the places in your life that match Judas…where you are living by the “I thought that if I….then God would…”

And I want you encourage to instead replace those places of inevitable disappointment with this:

“I know that God did…so now I”

I want you to look at the cross, look at the resurrection, look at what ACTUALLY is, and there will be nothing that can shake you from it.

You will no longer be operating from a motivation that’s really just a thinly veiled attempt to manipulate the game and force God’s hand. Rather, you’ll be acknowledging God’s hand and gratefully participating in His plan.

The Crazy Part

I look back at how my life of assumptions, my expectations, and all the times when I’ve thought God was supposed to do something, or how something was ‘supposed’ to be, and how that has led me to step out of character, step out of grace, and generally make a mess all over the place. I look back and see again and again that God doesn’t usually give me what I ask for, and even rarer do things work out exactly the way I planned, expected, or wanted them to - but looking at all the things He has undone in me, and done FOR me I realize that He has always given me what I would have asked for, if I had known everything He knows.

If Judas’ story forces us to face the uncomfortable truth that there is more of him in us than we’d like to admit, it also points us to the hope that Christ is greater than the Judas within.

You don’t have to wake up in a hospital near death one day, or at the bottom of a bottle, after destroying another relationship, or after making mistakes you thought you weren’t capable of to know that He’s greater in you too.

At least He CAN be. If only you would just stop trying to force God’s hand. Don’t sell your savior to your assumptions. You don’t have to force God’s hand when you trust God’s plan.

- Where have you seen yourself bargaining with God?

- What “thirty pieces of silver” have you had to recognize in your own heart?

- How has Jesus undone what you could not?

Take a moment to reflect, and if you’re willing, share your thoughts in the comments. Your story may be the encouragement someone else needs today. And if this message stirred conviction in you, consider sharing it so others can wrestle with the question too: What would I - what am I selling my Savior for?

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“42 And when evening had come, since it was the day of Preparation, that is, the day before the Sabbath, 43 Joseph of Arimathea, a respected member of the council, who was also himself looking for the kingdom of God, took courage and went to Pilate and asked for the body of Jesus.”

In the 15th chapter of Mark we meet a man whom nobody has seen or heard of thus far in the gospel narrative. One Joseph of Arimathea bursts onto the stage in a way few biblical figures do. He never appears before this moment, and yet he is so crucial to the story that he is mentioned in all four gospel accounts. For a man who we have never seen or heard of before this is striking. Few people or events are recorded in all four gospels. Not even moments as pivotal as the transfiguration make all four. It’s as if when guiding the hands of the inspired authors, the Holy Spirit literally said “the gospel story cannot go forward without him.”

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So who is this mystery disciple who shows up so loudly at the darkest moment in history? Each of the gospels give us details of his background. He’s said to be a member of the Sanhedrin (the council) - the ruling body of the Jews politically and theologically. A seat among the 70-72 in that council would have been tremendously sought after and exclusive . It means that at minimum we know this Joseph was a man of great influence and prominence in Judea. He certainly would have been among the most powerful and respected individuals of the day. His actions demonstrate this convincingly. Consider that this man was able to openly demand, and was granted an immediate audience with Pontius Pilate. Not just anyone can walk into the governor’s chamber with the pull to make a request of him. Luke’s account gives us more detail stating that Joseph was a “good and righteous man”. This account comes of course following the lawless execution of Jesus, so noting him as such means that Joseph was among the few dissenting voices that did not join the howling mob orchestrated by the chief priests - refusing to consent to what was being done to Jesus. Matthew tells us he was “a rich man”, likely a merchant of some kind, and that he was in fact a disciple of Jesus. John's account grants even more clarity as to why a man of Joseph’s stature was unknown until now saying he was “a disciple of Jesus, but secretly for fear of the Jews…”

Here is Joseph. A secret disciple, and for 15 chapters the gospel of Mark has no use for him. The story has nothing to say about him. Yet in perhaps the darkest moment in all of human history, something happens without which, the gospel story cannot continue.

Joseph stepped onto the stage of history’s biggest moment - the moment he took courage. And when courage confronts fear, everything changes.

Courage doesn’t replace fear, but it always confronts it.

How much courage? Incredible courage. Joseph was a man of means, influence, and station. He stands to lose EVERYTHING for publicly sympathizing with and backing Jesus. Not only is he taking his life into his own hands by making a brazen demand to Pilate - demanding he release the body of a condemned revolutionary and enemy of state - but publicly backing Jesus also risks his social, political, and economic standing. To be known now as a follower of Jesus surely comes with derision and the likely loss of business, influence, and status in the Jewish community. Joseph needed astounding levels of courage. In this moment, the secret disciple emerges as the first disciple willing to lose everything for Jesus.

Courage says “I’m afraid…but I know what must be done.”

Courage Is Contagious

Joseph isn’t the only “secret disciple” that shows up in this pivotal moment. In John’s account we learn that Nicodemus, another member of the Sanhedrin who had come to Jesus by night earlier in the story, decides to accompany Joseph to confront Pilate. The contrast is striking. Nicodemus was of comparable stock and station to Joseph and stood just as much to lose by being publicly associated with Him. Last we saw him, he comes shrouded by the cover of night for fear of even being seen speaking with Jesus. Yet here he is in broad daylight alongside Joseph. It’s not a stretch to wonder if Nicodemus would have ever come out of hiding were it not for Joseph taking courage in this moment.

This ought to bring us a moment of conviction. Our culture seems to be teetering on the brink of instability. Economic, political, racial, and religious tensions seem to be at an all time high. We cannot agree on the basic tenants of morality that once undergirded our institutions. For Joseph, public affiliation with the wrong movement risked complete ruin. It’s hard not to see the parallels in our current “cancel culture”. Much like Joseph’s moment, in our moment today, many would be righteous are crippled with anxiety over the events they see unfolding around them. Our families, our churches, and our communities are waiting for someone, anyone to stare fear in the face and step boldly into the moment before us.

Courage stiffens the spine of all those beside.

When those brave hearts take courage, and step boldly into the light many who yet remain in the shadows will be inspired to say “me too” and join them. If any moment in time needed people like Joseph - people who know that there are just some moments when its just time to do this thing - it’s ours. If we don’t, we surrender to the inevitable alternative.

Because courage is not the only thing that is contagious. The scriptures are littered with instances where courage failed to show, and in its place an even more contagious pathogen poisoned the whole system: fear.

When courage fails to show, fear and disheartened countenance run the show.

Where Do We Get Joseph’s Kind Of Courage?

So where do we find this kind of courage? Do we summon it from within? Do we wait for someone else to step forward so that we can have our own “me too” moment? Perhaps the anger we feel at the injustice of the world will motivate us? Maybe the growing guilt over our own inaction will finally move us? Is courage just another entry on the list of things we practice to try and earn God’s favor? The scripture would suggest none of those will give you what you need. After all, if they could, wouldn’t they have made us courageous already? Looking again to John’s account of Joseph’s pivotal moment I believe we see something stronger than all of the afore mentioned. Something strong enough to move you from the fearful dark and into the bold daylight. Joseph’s courage isn’t made from guilt, outrage, or from his own resources. In John 19:38 it says “after these things…”. What things does this refer to? This immediately follows the crucifixion, meaning “these things” are what Joseph had just witnessed Jesus endure.

Joseph was there in the shadows from the beginning. He was there for the sham trials under the high priesthood’s jurisdiction. He was there for the Roman handover. He was there for a runaround cross examination in which Pilate found “no fault” in Jesus. He was there when the chief priests and elders, a ruling cabal of corrupted religious leaders threatened Pilate, to his face, to kick off a rebellion, and proceeded to incite a mob fueled by bloodlust. He witnessed Jesus stripped, whipped, and beaten into a disfigured mess. He saw Jesus answer not a word, carry His own cross, be punched through by railroad sized iron spikes, and hung to suffer and suffocate under the Judean sun. He watched the triumphal crowd of just days before abandon Him and scatter, leaving only one and his mother by His side. Joseph watched his rabbi ask for water and receive only mocking jeers, saliva, and bitter gall. Amidst all of this he heard Jesus cry inexplicably “forgive them, for they know not what they do.”

Joseph had witnessed all ‘these things’, and it was after seeing His King on a cross that Joseph could no longer deal with his own duplicity.

Show me a Christian who isn’t courageous and I’ll show you one who hasn’t beheld their Lord on a cross. Show me a church that isn’t courageous and I’ll show you one that doesn’t look at the cross, kneel at the cross, or talk about the cross and suffering. It’s exactly this - the reality of the cross that confronts Joseph’s fear producing his indomitable courage. So it is for each of us. This is the great irony of the whole gruesome spectacle: the ultimate instrument of intimidation and coercion, designed with precision cruelty to inflict the maximum amount of torture such that it would crush the spirit of any who witnessed it, accomplishes the opposite its intent. The cross has always been the power that fuels the kingdom. As Paul wrote:

The Hebrew writer calls us to fix our focus on the same. In the 12th chapter, the source of our ‘endurance’ to finish the race is not found by sheer force of will, determination, or discipline. It comes only by “looking to Jesus the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross”. The Hebrew writer sees the same thing Paul sees, and the same thing Joseph of Arimathea experienced. The way to resist growing weary and faint of heart, the way to expel cowardice and find courage is to “Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself…”. Like Joseph, the cross must be, and is the only viable source of our courage.

Belief Begets Courage

Mark 15:43 reveals one more key component of Joseph’s courage. It described Joseph as a man “who was also himself looking for the kingdom of God, took courage and went to Pilate and asked for the body of Jesus.” This is astounding because it demonstrates the unshakeable faith - an anchored belief system that empowers Joseph with the courage he needs when the moment arises. How, after witnessing all he has seen happen to Jesus, is he yet and still “looking for the kingdom of God?” In any traditional understanding of who the messiah was supposed to be, Jesus has just gone the way of many other failed would be revolutionaries before him. His kingdom is not coming, effectively snuffed out with a spear in the side to confirm its demise. Does Joseph know something no one else knows? This is the darkest conceivable moment and yet we find him still looking for the kingdom of God. All the evidence put before him is to the contrary but this man still believes that God is up to something EVEN now. If there was ever a time when it didn’t look like God was at work, or like God could care less it would be this moment.

Every one else is gone, but at this moment, Joseph says “I’m still here. And I’m all in.”

This leaves us with an inspiring image and a convicting question: are we ourselves looking for the kingdom of God at work NOW? We live in a world that is stuffed to the brim with information and yet we are starved for wisdom. We are the most connected, and yet the loneliest we have ever been. We benefit from the highest ever standard of living, and yet we report the highest dissatisfaction. We know more than ever, and have more than ever, yet we are more fearful, anxious, and stressed than ever. The economic rollercoaster jerks us around, wars and rumors of wars abound, some call for revolutions to take back cultural territory, there is famine, there is disease, common discourse is dominated by dehumanization and misinformation, we don’t know who we can trust or what to believe anymore… It is easy to look around and see no presence of God in the world around us. For many, faith and love have grown cold. Belief has scattered and is scarcely proclaimed publicly for the fear of our fellow man.

Our time is in many ways the same sort of environment this man Joseph found himself in. But Joseph of Arimathea believed God was still at work. He expected God, and so should we.

Walking Prophetically Into The Light

Joseph’s unshakeable belief and beholding of the cross allowed him to take action when the moment called. Not only action, but action working prophetically. In Isaiah 53, perhaps the most famous messianic passage, we read that “they made his grave with the wicked and with a rich man in his death”. Joseph’s moment, was born of the mind of God centuries before it even arrived in front of him.

In Ephesians 2:10 we see that like Joseph, our moments are similarly foreknown, planned, and orchestrated by God:

“For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.”

This means that each and every one of us called by His name have good works, deeds of great courage prepared for us beforehand. We each have moments that will require of us the same unshakeable belief, eyes fixed on the cross, and a heart willing to move in that moment from the safety of secrecy and darkness and boldly into the light. We each, like Joseph have people near us that need to see our courage. It will as it did for Nicodemus, stiffen their own spines providing them the conviction they need in order to find courage of their own. This kind of courage does not wait for someone else to go first. Courage is fueled by the faith that believes, faith that risks, faith that loves, and the faith works prophetically.

So many times we wait and pray for God to send someone to do something about the moment we find ourselves in, but perhaps we ought to ask instead if the person who God sent for this moment might be you?

How do you know when your moment arrives? Where do you get the courage to rise to meet it? Fix you eyes upon the cross. It will tell you everything you need to know. Gaze long enough, and “after these things” you will find the courage you need to GO.

Grace and Peace,
-Marcus

There’s a strange ache that follows us after we receive the message of God’s grace and mercy. We say we believe it. We preach it. We sing about it. But when it comes time to live like it’s true, a lot of us struggle to.

Even after we can accept that God has forgiven us, what we can’t seem to do - is forgive ourselves.

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Perhaps we don’t even consider it because it sounds noble, humble even, to say “I just can’t let it go.” But the longer we sit with that feeling, the more it starts to look less like humility, and more like something else.

This is a message about forgiveness, but not just divine forgiveness. This is about that lingering, daily, soul-crushing kind of guilt. The kind that still shows up years after the sin is gone. The baggage we carry that makes you think to yourself, “God might forgive me... but I can’t forgive me.”

If that’s where you are, you’re not alone. But you can’t stay there.

Because that mindset will keep you from ever truly experiencing the kingdom Jesus invites you into.

If you’re a Christian—someone who believes and professes that God has forgiven you—why is it so hard to forgive yourself?

If you’re not a Christian... why do you believe that whatever you’ve done is so bad that God won’t be able to forgive you?

What Hurts The Most

I want to tell you a story. As I do, I want to invite you to remember something from your own life. Think about one of the most painful emotional experiences you’ve ever had. Not a minor embarrassment or some awkward moment. I’m talking about the moment you felt gutted. The moment your insides collapsed. The one that made you question everything you thought you could count on. You don’t need to dwell on it long, but just hold it for a moment.

I’ll share mine. You hold yours. Maybe we’ll meet in the middle of it.

This happened to me in college, my first real heartbreak. Not puppy love, not drama. The real thing. I was in a relationship that felt serious for the first time. And then, out of nowhere, I got a late-night phone call from my best friend. He said, “Just check your computer.”

So I pulled up my Dell laptop and opened the browser. Checked my Top 8 (millennials will know). And there it was; my girlfriend and another one of our close friends - Not just together. Lock lipped for the whole world to see.

I blacked out.

I didn’t know what to do with that kind of pain, so I disconnected from everything. I retreated into a fever dream of Taco Bell, an iPod Nano, and my Boyz II Men playlist. That was my life for a while.

I don’t know what you listen to when you’re heartbroken - but when those boys belted “can somebody tell me how to get things back the way they used to be. Oh God give m the reason I’m down on bended knee” they canonized a legendary tier breakup song for a whole generation.

Time would pass. I made peace with both friends, and we laugh about it now. God brought new things into my life. Greater things than I could have ever imagined. But at the time, it wrecked me.

What made it hurt the most wasn’t the betrayal. It was the shock of who it came from. It never feels good to be cheated on or betrayed…but when it comes from your close friend, your brother…it hits differently. It was someone I loved. Someone who checked on me after I’d been in a car accident just weeks earlier. Someone I never imagined could hurt me like that.

The deepest pain came not from the offense, but from the disbelief that it would happen that way, by those people. You know this pain. It’s when the person you never imagined would hurt you is the one who does.
It’s not just the betrayal. It’s the shock. It’s the ‘second wound’.

It always cuts the deepest when the person holding the knife is the last one you expected. This is why it feels the worst when we are let down by our brothers and sisters in the faith. You don’t expect particularly polite interactions at the DMV. In fact you expect people to be a little contentious in there. But when someone is inconsiderate, disrespectful, or needlessly rude at church it feels 10x worse. Why? Because we expect better (and rightfully so) from the household of faith. We know we aren’t supposed to treat each other that way, and always the second wound that hurts the most. So many have deconstructed, given up on God, and turned from faith entirely because these wounds drive so much deeper.

It’s the “You too, Brutus?” moments in our lives. The broken promise hurts, but the moment that really breaks you is the moment when you have to wrap your mind around the disbelief that, “I can’t believe it was them.”

That’s the second wound.
And it’s always worse than the first one.

This Is Worse Than I Thought

Here’s the part we don’t talk about. There’s this uncomfortable twist that really starts cutting deep. The reason we can’t forgive ourselves is because the person who causes you the most “second wounds” in this life - is you.

In Matthew 26, Jesus is with His disciples after the Passover. He says, “You will all fall away because of me tonight.”

Peter is in classic form. Resolute and brash:

“Even if they all fall away, I will never fall away.”

Jesus says, “Peter, before the rooster crows, you’ll deny me three times.”

Peter doubles down. “Even if I have to die with you, I will not deny you.”

Every single disciple echoes him. And they meant it.
But then the mob comes. Judas kisses Jesus on the cheek. Peter pulls a sword and cuts off an ear. Jesus inexplicably puts it back on, and just like that, things begin careening out of control. Jesus is arrested, dragged into a sham trial, and the movement they gave their entire lives to begins to collapse in real time around them. And Peter... ever the bold, brash, outspoken Peter... starts to unravel.

He’s watching from a distance in the courtyard. A servant girl sees him.

“Weren’t you with Jesus?”

Peter says, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Then someone else: “No, I’m pretty sure you were one of them.”

Peter swears, “I do not know the man.”

They say, “Your accent gives you away.”

Peter loses it. His emotions and his fear are in control now. He begins cursing using language no follower of Jesus would use.

“I do not *insert euphemism of choice here* know Him.”

And then... the rooster crows just as Jesus predicted - and Peter weeps. He weeps not just because he failed, but because he finally saw what he was actually capable of. He was exactly who he said he wasn’t. He saw the real Peter, and it shocked him.

A deep irony strikes you when you realize that when Peter said “I do not know the man!”, he thought he was speaking of Jesus but he was actually speaking about himself.

Peter was now confronted with the reality that he’d not considered before. He actually WAS that bad. He’s exactly who he said he wasn’t - but even worse.

In rabbinic culture, you could get the teachings of your teacher wrong and that was a big mistake. Judas seems to have been in this boat, at minimum, horribly misunderstanding Jesus mission, and trying to force the hand of God. But the even greater transgression in rabbinic culture was to publicly deny your rabbi. There was no coming back from that. In Peter’s mind he knows that according to his own code of ethics and commitment as a disciple, he has committed an even bigger betrayal than Judas by publicly denying Jesus. Perhaps Jesus own words rang painfully in his mind “ but whoever denies me before men, I also will deny before my Father who is in heaven.”

I confess to you that I’ve been Peter, and I’m betting you have been too.

I remember sitting on the bathroom floor, crying out “God, I was doing so well. Why did I do this again? I promised I wouldn’t. I said I was past this. I hate myself.”

And then God whispered back something I’ll never forget that hit me like a bolt of lightning:

“That’s your problem. You’re still trying to keep score.”

“You still think you could be good enough.”

“But if you could have been good enough... I wouldn’t have come for you in the first place.”

You’re Shocked. God’s Not

Read verse 32 of that passage again. Jesus says to His disciples:
“After I am raised up, I will go before you to Galilee.”

Did you catch that? He tells them before they fail Him that they will, and that He’ll meet them on the other side. They haven’t even abandoned Him yet, but He’s already preparing their restoration? That’s who He is. That’s how King Jesus works.

When you’re alone in the dark crying to God “I can’t believe I did this...”, God is looking back at you saying “Oh but I can! And now that you know what I know, maybe you can learn from this and grow.”

I’ve realized that when I am at my worst, when I’ve fallen in ways that I didn’t want to believe I was capable of, when I’m shocked at my own badness, in that rock bottom moment between me and God there is only one of us who is surprised - and it’s not God.

When you’re staring in that mirror, disgusted...When you’re playing the memory on repeat, punishing yourself because you can’t believe you were capable of that mistake, God is not surprised. He’s not shocked. He’s not wondering if you’re still worth it. You are the ONLY one in that room who is surprised by your badness. You are the only one refusing to leave a past behind that God already redeemed. You’re the only one refusing to move into the future He’s prepared for you.

That’s not a righteousness humility. That’s pride.

When I’m in denial about the depth of my brokenness and still keeping score, I treat the cross like an extra life in a video game, or a get out of jail free card in Monopoly. I treat His sacrifice as if He came to give me another chance to get myself together, and get my life right. But that’s a fundamental misunderstanding of the gospel.

Jesus didn’t come to give me a second chance to get myself right.
He came to BE my second chance.

He Knew, And He Still Came For You

This is the moment where the lights should come on. We must continually preach to ourselves the nature of the God we serve. We know His attributes intellectually, but we need them to be pressed deep into our wounded hearts. We ‘know’ God is omniscient, but our hearts forget that because God is omniscient, He already knows the past, present, and future including every mistake. Every failure, every denial…He knows every peak and every valley of your life.

If He knew your worst moment before you committed it in the past, then He also knows the future failures you’re going to commit even before you do. And yet, despite all of this He STILL came for you.

Before you fell, you didn't think that you were that bad. It was a blind spot for you, and it's always the blind spots that are home to the planks our own eyes can't see. Those are the fatal ones.

When you fall and realize how bad you are, now you just know what God already knew. And He has decided to love you anyway. Isn't that actually the cause for an incredible outpouring of thanksgiving?

Isn't that something to rejoice about? Shouldn't that give you an unshakable confidence in the message of the gospel. You're much more worse than you ever wanted to admit to yourself, but you are much more loved and desired by God than you ever dared to dream. You cannot shock God out of loving you.

Have you ever considered that when we fell in the garden back in Genesis 3, God was immediately prophesying about Jesus? It's because even though God didn't want the fall, and was grieved by the fall, He wasn't surprised by the fall. He was already working ahead. Jesus had already decided that He was going to come and take care of it. When Cain killed Abel, God wasn't shocked. Look at how He talks with Cain beforehand. He knows what's about to happen. In Genesis 6 when God flooded the world, He didn't say He was surprised - He said that He was grieved. When the Babel incident happens in Genesis 11, God isn’t shocked. When Moses didn't lead the way he was supposed to, He wasn't shocked. When Israel struggled and rebelled throughout their entire history, God wasn't shocked. When David committed adultery, entrapment, and murder on a mass scale, God still was not shocked. When Israel killed all the prophets, God was not shocked. When Jesus came, He constantly prophesied that He must be delivered into the hands of the gentiles to be crucified because… God was not shocked. And God was not shocked by the things you did that you think He can't forgive.

Here's what you need to remember about an omniscient, omnipotent God: God never suffers the second wound like we do.

We still can't believe some of the things we have done. But He has always had a plan for you in spite of what He knew you were going to do. When God created a world that included you He already figured your brokenness into the equation. It is your decision whether you want to accept this truth or not. He has already, and always known you from the top to the very bottom, and despite knowing the worst parts of you which you still don’t see and can’t admit, He has never wavered in His love for you.

It’s Not Humility - It’s Pride.

There’s an insidious reason why it's so hard to forgive ourselves. It’s because of the double wound that it causes. It hurts when we make a mistake always, but it kills us because we have not yet come to terms with our own badness. We have not admitted to ourselves how broken we actually are. It is our pride. It is the original sin.

You see, we didn't think that we were THAT broken to have made that kind of mistake - to have been able to make that much of a mess. We didn't think we could ever be that selfish, or that angry, or that twisted. What's more, we knew better, and we knew we should have been better, and we promised we would be better, and then we weren't better. It’s feels just like we have denied Jesus for the third time. When we made the mistake bigger than we ever thought possible - when we transitioned from fighting our addictions to managing them, we were so shocked to learn just how bad we actually are.

We have been battling this since we fell in the garden, and we all do it. We desperately strive to convince ourselves that we aren't that bad. We are so addicted to comparison that we root our self-esteem in our superiority to others. We’re intoxicated on the lie that “we aren’t as bad as them.” We say “I would never do something like that.” We tell ourselves, even if the world fell away. I would not. Even if I have to die, I would. We know we should be better and yet we haven't been. We live our lives trying to be ‘a good person’ or a ‘good Christian’… but every now and then we get a reality check. We catch a bitter glimpse of just how bad and how broken we truly are.

There is a legitimate guilt that we carry when we fall short, and that guilt is removed through repentance and restitution. But there is also an irredeemable guilt that exists. It happens when our pride twists guilt into a much darker, heavier pain: shame. That shame is there underneath every instance you say “I know God has forgiven me, but I won’t forgive myself.” When you say that, it means you are failing an idol whose approval is more important to you than God's approval is. But what idol? That idol is you.

When you say, “God has forgiven me, but I can’t forgive myself,” what you’re really saying is:

“My approval matters more than God’s.”

“My standards are higher than His.”

“His grace might be enough for the universe, but not for me.”

We have always been our own greatest idol. It's our own quest for goodness and being good enough in and of ourselves. This is nothing more than being God in our own eyes. It is exactly the original sin that we pursued in the garden.

Refusing to accept the forgiveness of God, and refusing to forgive yourself, is an act of this same pride.

If you refuse to forgive something that God has already forgiven, it makes your opinion, and your sin, and your ego bigger than the blood of Jesus and God's grace can cover.

God Is Not In Your Past

So I admit it. I am irrevocably broken. I am bad. Really, really bad. I'm in desperate need of the grace and mercy of my King, and I’m betting you are too. There is something in your life you're ashamed of. Deep down, you doubt you can be forgiven for it. It’s the thing you haven't yet found the courage to forgive yourself for. I want you to know that it shocked you, and it may still to this day, but it does not shock your God. I want you to know that you can’t believe that you did that, but God can. I want you to realize that you don't know how bad you are, and you don't even know how bad you're going to be in the future, but God does. So, when you are in those moments when you say to God, "God, I can't believe I did this." Remember, he's looking back down at you still loving you, still having come, still having died, still having got up out of the grave saying, "Oh, I can believe every bit that you did." And now that you know what I know, we can finally grow.”

I’m betting that someone reading this saying, "I wish I could forgive myself, but I don't feel God like I used to - and that has got to be evidence that He's turned his back on me…that I'm unforgivable and that's why I can't forgive myself."

I want to suggest to you that maybe the reason you don't feel God like you used to, maybe the reason He seems absent, maybe the reason you haven't sensed His presence in your life for such a long time is because you never forgave yourself when He forgave you.

You made that mistake 5 years ago. That happened 10, 20, 50 years ago. That happened when you were a little boy or a little girl.

That happened a long time ago, and you repented and God forgave you then. Then God moved on to prepare things that He had coming for you next. But you didn't go with Him. He said, "I am going before you to Galilee” and you said, "I'm going to stay right here."

You stayed, and you dwelled, and you listened to the voice of the enemy. You listened to the accuser and you have been grinding yourself into dust again, and again, and again day, after day, after day. You have remained trapped in your past, and the only reason that you don't feel God, or see God, or sense God there is because God doesn't dwell in your past.

Once He forgives. The Bible says He “remembers it no more”. You don't feel him because He isn't there! You let God forgive you, and you never let you forgive you! And so, you are living in your past when the living God is a God of the present and the future.

You are literally choosing to wear the chains that He died to take off of you because you are back dwelling on, and ruminating on that moment and that mistake. You have refused to leave. It is idolatry.

It's not that God isn't there for you anymore. It's not that He's deserted you. It's just that He's not going to validate the punishment that you're putting on yourself when He already went to the cross to pay the price for it. He's not going to validate your self-punishment when he said, "It is finished.” The irony of this is that you haven't left the past because you think that mistake means you aren’t good enough. But what it really says to God is that His sacrifice wasn't good enough to deal with your brokenness. And THAT is exactly why God is not going to dwell with you in that place. Because His sacrifice was good enough. It is the perfect sacrifice, the only sacrifice to take away sin.

Sometimes the biggest unforgivable sin is the one you refuse to allow God to forgive you for.

Do not let your pride fool you into cheapening the actions of the One who sacrificed it all so that you don't have to live in this prison any more. If you know that God has forgiven you, do you honestly believe that He at the same time would send you these feelings of guilt and shame, that He would prepare for you a psychological cage from which you could never escape? Of course not! So if God's not sending those feelings to you, then where are they coming from? And further, why would you trust them more than what you already know about the God who sacrificed it all to come to get you?

You might say you are waiting on God to feel forgiven but, but it is far more likely that God is waiting on you. You are waiting to feel forgiven, but he is waiting on you to accept forgiveness.

Whatever shame that you are carrying today, I want you to know that God is not shocked by your brokenness. In fact, He knows more about you than you even know about yourself, and He has still been planning, and moving, and arranging things for you. He has gone before you into Galilee! He has paid the price in full. He has taken on the debt of your brokenness and your sin Himself, and He stands there with open arms for each and everyone that will meet him in a place of repentance, a believing heart, and an acceptance of what He has done on their behalf.

Here’s the secret to forgiving yourself. Trade the shock that you feel when you think about how broken you actually are for the shocking reality that Jesus knew all of this about you ahead of time, and He still chose to die for you because He loves you, and He is never going to stop loving you.

-Marcus

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"I'm going to get what I want with my money...and if I run out, then I'm going to use your money!!"

I laughed out loud and gave a nod to the parents as they tried to wrangle their brood. There was something about the tone of this kid that struck a nerve of hilarity.

This is a moment that all parents can identify with, and probably sympathize with. We had a good laugh together – this kid’s totally 'matter of fact', non-demanding, yet somehow fully expectant view of the world. In that moment, I could almost hear MY parents shout through time and space a phrase you may have heard or said yourself as well: "What do you think money grows on trees!?!?"

As I drove away amused by that little window into that family's life...something else occurred to me. A sneaky suspicion arose within me that perhaps I was actually like that little kid, even to this day.

We go through this life and from our new birth at baptism we should, like little children, have an understanding of our full dependence on God in life. Of our full dependence is on Jesus for our righteousness before Him. But we, like every child, have this inherent instinct to flex our independence. Not long after we taste grace, we begin strategizing how WE are going to be better, and how WE are going to do this thing right, live a respectable life, do right by people, and “be a good Christian” and thus, earn a heavenly home.

At some point, as is common to us all, we experience the cruel reality that not only do we not have it all figured out, but that we fall woefully short of the standard of the cross. We have that moment where we realize that this new age axiom "God won't give you more than you can handle" is high fiction! We reach that point where we say, like the little kid, in the parking lot "I'm out of my money God, can I use yours?". Let me translate further into our grown-up language:

Isn’t it strange to realize that this kid in the parking lot had a perspective on life right in the same neighborhood as ours often is. He naively believe that he was going to take care of himself, unless things got difficult. This is so closely related to the way we often approach this life as God’s children?

We find ourselves saying to God “I’m going to be good Lord, unless I’m not, and THEN I need your goodness… I hope there is enough for me.”

The truth is that this kid in the parking lot could never get himself to the store without his father. He wouldn’t have a van to ride in. He wouldn’t have clothes. He wouldn’t have food. And in his naivety he didn’t realize how much he had already depended on his father to do for him. You and I are the same. The truth is, I’m never going to be able to get myself into the kingdom of heaven without my Father. I don’t have any way to get there except through the blood of Jesus. I don’t have any righteousness to dress in of my own. There is no “earning” a heavenly home. No, I don’t have life at all without the bread that came down from above.

How foolish it is for me to ever approach life trying to be good enough to get myself where I need to go. I’m broke. How foolish to presume I can put Him in my debt by my “do-gooding”. I’m bankrupt in every sense, but Jesus paid the price for me. So, here’s a new declaration:

“God, I’m going to use your money because it’s all your money. Everything I have is from you. I know you will take care of what I need. Nothing I can do will get me home. You are the only way. So let my life be an expression of gratitude. Thank you.”

Becoming like a little child means realizing that you’re going to use God’s money not because you’re out of yours, but because it’s all God’s money to begin with. You’re going to rely on God’s goodness not to fill the gap in what you bring to the table, but because He is the source of goodness – not you. You are going to depend on God’s grace – and extend God’s grace because He paid the price for it, not you – and not anything you could ever do.

It means looking up at God and realizing that He built, bought, and drove the van you rode inside all the way to the store called life, and no matter what you manage to buy, accrue, accomplish, or do here - your Father’s ride is the only way you’re getting back home.

“God, I’m going to use your money because it’s all your money. Everything I have is from you. I know you will take care of what I need. Nothing I can do will get me home. You are the only way. So let my life be an expression of gratitude. Thank you.”

-Marcus

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This is one of my earliest memories. Young Marcus, no more than four.

In the back yard playing catch - decked in the vintage TMNT top, and suspiciously posed in front of a Miami Dolphins helmet that was at the time, my mother's greatest attempt to recruit my fandom (for the record, it was unsuccessful - SKOL Vikings).

The quintessential, eyes closed attempt to catch a ball as big as I was.

Man, I get a wholesome feeling to this day every time I drive by a father and son throwing football together. There's just something pure about it. And every time, it takes me back here.

That day a newspaper journalist in my hometown just happened to swing by and catch this moment of us. He must have had the same kind of wholesome feelings I still get to this day. He took the picture of me, but this picture is really of my dad. Because this wasn’t a rare moment. You should know that there were countless moments like this.

Trips to the arcade every Thursday to spill untold fortunes worth of quarters into X-Men, and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles games rigged to pilfer your pockets (I maintain that hearing Colossus go boom was worth it though).

It was football in the back yard.

Then learning to throw a curveball.

Most notably, learning to shoot the rock - the jumper that would take me all the way to college.

There were endless Scooby-Doo marathons (it feels like he met the Harlem Globetrotters every day, doesn’t it).

Then things got serious, countless Madden football marathons waking the rest of the house (and probably neighborhood) at 3am just to finish a playoff run.

Yea… I remember them all. Because my dad wasn't in the picture, but this picture is of him.

It's really hard to tell what trajectory my life would have taken if it wasn't for a father who was in every picture in this way. Mom and dad found themselves in unenviable circumstances early on, amidst a cultural slice that was more often than not hostile to their existence. Their faith was the anchor that fixed their course. A lot of men in similar situations didn’t choose to stay and become dads. But mine did.

So, I keep these moments and memories with me as we go, and I share them now because I think everyone should know that sometimes when a dad is not in the picture, it's because it's actually a picture of him.

Whatever I may be today, in a way, is a picture of him too.

So dad, today I say thank you.

I remember.

Happy Father's Day to all the dads and father figures making the moments and memories that shape our lives. Every single moment counts. We remember.

My dad wasn't in the picture, but this picture is of him.

Love you dad.
-Marcus

Because before we talk purpose, calling, gifts, discipleship and growth—before I write a single word to you—I wanted to first write a word to him. He is, after all how we got here. And if you’re here, my guess is you’ve got a story too. My hope is that maybe, just maybe, this will help you see yours a little differently.

Most people think their purpose is something they find.
But the truth is, it's something you unearth.
It's buried closer than you'd ever imagine—in the places you'd least expect it.
It's beneath the difficult parts of this thing we call life.
Beneath the dirt, the wounds that leave scars, the crippling insecurities, the anxieties, the fear.

In my case, I grew up "on both sides of the tracks" in more ways than one.
And when you grow up between two worlds—racially, culturally, spiritually—you have no choice but to learn how to survive in a world that doesn't know what to do with you.

You learn how to adapt.
You learn how to read a room and instinctively become what each moment demands.
You learn how to thrive in the gap between “who you are” and “what they expect.”

That’s where this letter comes from.
It's written to my younger self—a kid who at 15, was gifted but confused, driven but disoriented, hopeful but hurting, outgoing but overlooked, full of potential but often passed over.

He didn’t know yet that what made it seem like he didn’t belong anywhere…
was the very thing that God would use to allow him to belong everywhere.

This is for him.
And my bet is, it may be for you too.

Allow Me To Reintroduce Myself

Hey man,

I’m writing to put you on game ahead of time. You don’t realize it yet, but I’m just one of a multitude of voices God has put in your life to guide you. Know this, none of this is by accident. Remember when papaw passed away? How only then you realized then how lucky you were to have an example like him? Remember the dream he visited you in? I know it crushed you, but it also motivated you. Chase it down. I want you to know ahead of time that you’re incredibly gifted, but you owe all of what you will become to God, and the people He has given you. So cherish them. Realize that for every single person you know, you are going to talk to them for the last time, see them for the last time…and you never know when that is going to be – so make sure you live gratefully and graciously with them. Tell them how important they are, and most important of all, pay it forward. Be for others what they have been for you as often as you can, as deeply as you can, for every single person God brings across your path. You never know who needs your story.

There’s Something Bigger Going On

Speaking of that…I’m proud of you. You’re just starting to sense that there’s a larger story at work here. It’s confusing I know. So far you’ve spent most of your time trying to figure out where you belong. Growing up on both sides of the tracks has its benefits, but it’s true that you’ve never really “fit” in anywhere. Enjoy it! You’re never going to look back and regret your crisp J’s pulled up to a game of D&D with your guys. But go deeper.

Over the next few years you’re going to realize that all the insecurity you’ve carried for so long actually comes from the most powerful gift God has given you, it’s just been narrated by the wrong voice.

Right now, your teammates narrate it. The culture you’re in narrates it. Your schoolmates narrate it. What you don’t know is that they are even more insecure than you are. Beneath all of these voices, the enemy of your soul and your destiny is the one writing the script. You’re going to see this really start to emerge over the coming years. They will all become more uncomfortable in unfamiliar environments as life expands…and you will realize that all of this pain, anxiety, insecurity and anger has created in you a set of skills and abilities that will make you feel at home in almost any conceivable environment. Embrace it. Be unapologetic. You don’t have to be ‘black enough’ to satisfy white people’s perceptions of us, and you don’t have to be white enough to make them feel safe enough to date their daughters. God is doing something even bigger in you. So be kind, and be gracious. When you understand the nature of a thing, you know what it’s capable of…and that means you don’t have to react to what people do or say to you, instead with understanding, you can respond. It will make you more powerful than the anger you are struggling to control right now. I promise. They don’t get you, but how could they. The secret is, even though they appear to have it all together, most people don’t get themselves. They are as confused as you are. Remember this.

There are so many places where this is going to get interesting in the days ahead. Have fun with it. There’s a coming day when someone is going to say that thing you hate: “you’re the whitest black guy I know”, and you’re going to know exactly how to respond. You won’t feel the need to defend your heritage anymore, and those moments that hurt so badly for so long are going to become strangely enjoyable. I’m not going to spoil it for you, but I’ll tell you this. You’ve spent your life up to this point believing you don’t belong. That there’s nowhere you fit in this mess. You’ve wanted to fit, to belong, to be accepted and valued more than anything. In your desperate pursuit of this, you’ve learned to make people laugh, you’ve learned to communicate with everyone, you’ve learned to be relentless in pursuit of bettering yourself through hard work and sport…and all of these things have revealed the truth about who God has made you. It’s not that you don’t belong anywhere, its that you actually belong EVERYWHERE. And there are going to be very few people in this life who have this kind of kit under the hood. Truly, if you let Him – God will make your greatest pain your greatest power. Trust me, it’s going to take you places you never imagined.

Make The Memory - Savor The Moment - Share The Love

Speaking of places you never imagined…right now, and for a few more years all of your travel is going to be tied to basketball. Enjoy that. You’re not going to get to see the world…yet. But you’ll see some awesome places and the best part will be the brotherhood you’re going to experience. Right now, you don’t really fit on your team…but later you’re going to have a band of brothers who would die for you. Enjoy those trips. Stick to your convictions and you will be an example to them. In case you missed it, yes, you’re going to get to play at the next level. It will take everything you have to get there. But that, as you know, has always been when you’re at your best. It always will be. See it through. There are going to be some really difficult lessons to come, and God will need to chisel some significant things off of and out of you, but it will be worth it. It’s not punishment, it’s preparation. If it were punishment you wouldn’t survive it…but you will, for a purpose. Whatever you do, don’t place your identity in this hoops thing. You’ll avoid some of the most painful moments of your life if you resist the desire to fill that hole in you with this game you love. You can’t see it yet but you have lived a life doing so many of the right things for the wrong reasons. It makes you vulnerable to the worst aspects of your nature if the circumstances are right, and college is going to present plenty of those circumstances. You’re going to have an existential crisis in your coach’s class…don’t suppress the questions in your mind. They are they key to God springing you from the trap of your own performance-oriented framework. If you don’t manage to get this in time…trust that everything God is going to do, and allow to happen to you is in your best interest. You’re going to need to learn this one way or the other. God isn’t going to let you squander this life. Sometimes God’s love is spelled “pain and the correction”. So when life hits hard, remember what I wrote you at the start. Don’t waste your life, and the life so many others have poured into you. You’re going to be truly lucky to be here for most of the days ahead ( I have the pictures and scars to prove it) - Listen to me, God isn’t going to keep you around for nothing, and the sooner you realize it, the more those days are going to mean.

You have no more reasonable objective in this life than to become every bit of what God called you to be. Be faithful to God’s original idea for you. Pursue it as you pursue Him. In this you will never go astray.

Back to what I really wanted you to know about seeing the world. As you have opportunity to travel in the days ahead. DO IT. Actually, MAKE the opportunity when you can. A wise man said living life without traveling is like reading the same page of a book over and over without ever turning the page. There’s some truth to that. You will thrive and grow so much by getting out of your familiar bubble. Once your mind is exposed to new places and possibilities it can never go back to the perspective of life that it had before. It will change you for the better. By the way, you’re never going to regret taking the trip and making the memory. One day – even further along than I’m writing you from, we’re going to check out of this thing. I’m writing to you from a perspective where I have spent time with many who are in their last days and moments, and

I can assure you that we won’t be on our death bed regretting the money we spent, or vacation time we blew to make a memory with loved ones. Go the extra mile to give people (especially those who have given so much for you) special moments and experiences.

Do whatever it takes to get mom some place magical (you’ll know what this means when the time comes). Pull out all the stops to see her smile under the big lights (this too, you’ll know when it’s right). She deserves it. You will come to see she too has deep insecurities and fears. Life hasn’t been easy for her, and there are going to be some really hard moments to come. She doesn’t believe she was or is a good mother. You and I both know nothing could be further from the truth. Make every effort to encourage her. Take every opportunity to include her. Take every opportunity to make special moments for her…the kinds of things she’s always dreamed about but has had to assume or accept she’ll never get to do. Remind her that if she is in any way proud of you (and I promise you she is going to be) that it’s because of who she is that has grown up inside of you. Make sure she knows that ‘pretzels and mountain dew’ are more than good enough for you. Do this for me, and for her. It’s one of the ways you will love her, and all those God has blessed you with well.

Pull out all the stops as often as God gives you the chance. Take the trip. Savor the moment. Make the memory. Share the love.

Your Victory Is The Best Forgiveness

You shouldn’t leave dad out of this either. I know things are…rough at best between you right now. You’re struggling, and he’s struggling too. He hasn’t done this father thing before – and you’ll learn as time goes that what he lacks as a father, he never received from his. What he gives is what he has, and he’s even added some pieces that he wishes he would have had from his dad. You should know, despite the fights and his anger, he always tells you how proud he is of you because his dad never told him. He spent his entire life growing up trying to make his dad proud...and he never once heard it from his mouth. In fact, the most meaningful moment of dad’s life was when he heard from one of your grandfather’s co-workers that he had told that co-worker that he was proud of him. You will never have to wonder if he loves you or if he is proud of you. Some of your motivations will still be to achieve that…and that’s ok.

We are all made to hear “well done”, but the reality is we often strive to hear it from the wrong places. If God looks at you and says “well done” – that’s all that matters in the end.

So it’s a blessing that you know ahead of time you don’t have to earn it from your dad. He already does love and is proud. In this way, he has achieved being exactly like your Father in heaven. Never take that for granted. That being said, I’m going to tell you something you already know, dad isn’t perfect. Far from it. Some of the things you’ve grown to resent about him you will make it a point in life not to become. This is good. His anger has been a source of trauma for the whole family, and you have seen it inside of yourself as well. You’re going to make a commitment to never be controlled by it so that you won’t become what you’ve grown to hate…keep that commitment. For what it’s worth, his anger will dissipate. He won’t always be this way. And despite your issues with each other right now, you’re going to end up having a good relationship.

Right now, he’s not sure how to deal with losing a son. He’s already dreading it. On top of this he’s strangely threatened by the idea of losing control of his house. Some of his anger comes from this. It’s not even about you or the fact you didn’t take out the trash on time. He doesn’t even see it…but a lot of this comes from the “this is my house” mentality he was raised in. You’re not the alpha here…but you will be soon, and he instinctively senses that. He’s asserting his control in the house. Force is the only way he knows to do that. For now you’ve decided to just steer clear as much as possible, and that’s ok, but know ahead of time that you will be able to show him that you growing up and leaving the house won’t give him less of you, but more of you. It’s strange, you have already come to the end of what he can teach you, and soon it’s going to be him looking up to you, coming to you with questions, and leaning on you in difficult times. And those times are definitely coming because some of the ways in which your dad is flawed are the kinds of things that always eventually come to the surface.

Let me put this in perspective for you – our culture has an obsession with venerating people and then when they are riding high, finding a flaw, and then tearing them down. It’s the curse of post modernism. It takes its whole identity and purpose in critique.

The problem is, if your only function is critique with no solutions for empowerment, you are soon left with nothing but the rubble left in your wake.

You will see this for every athlete, celebrity, and influential person you know of. There’s a reason they say “never meet your heroes”. But this usually starts at home first. Our parents are the first super heroes we know. Mom and dad know everything and can do seemingly anything. But they are human. They are deeply flawed, and they are still wrestling with their own insecurities, fears, anxieties, and pressures. As time goes on, and we become more idealistic about the world and ourselves, we come to harbor resentment and even hatred for the things about our parents that we find inadequate or wrong. And so, we tear down our first super heroes.

Many people never recover and repair the relationships they destroy in that phase, but I want to propose to you a better way forward. The flaws your dad has are real and you don’t need to excuse them, quite the opposite. But the flaws he has, and the mistakes he has made – and will keep making don’t remove or render meaningless the good things he has done, especially all he has done for you. He is still quick to tell you how proud he is of you and how much he loves you. You never have to doubt this. No matter what happens he will still be the one who gave you a love of competition and sport. He taught you how to work hard, to be relentless. He taught you how to play the mental game and always be a step ahead. He didn’t leave your mother when many other fathers in his position would and have abandoned their duty. He still places his faith in God, and raised you in a home where Jesus was never in doubt. He’s introduced you to ministers who you look up to and who have helped you grow – they are having a greater impact on you than you know. By the way tell John Fratterola I said hello. I miss him and the whole family. By the way, keep listening to every sermon tape and cd he sends you. It’s going to pay off in ways you can’t see yet.

Anyway, despite dad’s flaws he has been part of giving you a great foundation in life. You’ve never had to worry where your next meal was coming from, or where you were going to sleep. Some of his flaws are deep, and they will threaten to tear the family apart – but remember they will not have cancelled out all of this. The truth is, as you will learn, you dad’s struggles are very much generational. There are chains that have bound our family for generations. Not one man in your line has escaped it. You are going to reach a place in life where you can choose to resent him for his addictions (the rest of your family will), for not breaking the generational chain that you too will be forced to carry…but consider this:

what if the best he could do, lacking the ability or strength to be free himself, was to give enough, do enough, love enough to give you a better chance than he had at being the one to break it.

He has done this…so I say this with all my being: Do whatever it takes to break it. Your victory will be the best forgiveness.

Trust > Clarity

This idea of breaking generational chains is going to lead you into some unexpected areas of life. When you finish school, you’re going to be blessed with an amazing job through a great friend. You’re going to miss out on the girl you have hoped would be “the one” for years because you’re not going to be ready. The irony. Let her go. God has someone you can’t even begin to imagine coming your way. So pour yourself into the profession. It’s then you’ll begin to see the world. It’ll be amazing. The caveat is you’re going to start to experience some cognitive dissonance. One day you’re going to walk into your office at what used to be your dream job and think “well….I guess this is what I do everyday”. That’s your clue that you aren’t yet doing what you’re created to do in this life. You are good at it, but you aren’t doing much good at it. You have the sneaky suspicion that there’s more for you. There is. Even if you try to run from this God is going to chase you down. A few years ago Peter Ray told you after a camp fire devotional “Marcus, if you don’t preach you’re going to hell”. You knew what he meant…but what you didn’t realize was – if you don’t preach your life is going to FEEL like hell. When he shows up at your dining room table, receive him. When they call, go. You can’t imagine it now, but you won’t be able to miss it when it comes. It will be a fork in the road that will change everything.

I promise you this, God’s plans for your life are better than your plans for your life. Believe that.

Speaking of God’s plans for you, keep this close to your heart. God usually won’t give you what you ask for, but He will always give you what you would have asked for, if you knew everything He already knows. This will apply in every single life circumstance no matter how dark, or how bleak it is. Some of the darkest chapters of what’s coming will spring unexpectedly from the most joyful places in your life at the time. So when you get married, yea man it’ll happen for you too…just not until God finished redirecting you for a season - but when it happens give yourself fully to it. Dedicate yourself to hard work and progression. Be relentless in providing a good life for her and fulfilling your potential before God. You are going to make mistakes…some of them you won’t recognize until it’s too late, and the enemy will use them all to drive a wedge in your marriage.

I want you to know ahead of time that most of this life and your walk with God is just a continual process of realizing how broken you actually are.

You are a person who has taken their value and purpose in being good, doing things well, and overcoming. I know you mean well. But to save you from yourself God will need to administer some hard medicine. There are going to be times you find yourself at rock bottom and you’ll cry out to God “My God I can’t believe I did this again.” It would be wise for you to remember that your God is omniscient. He knows the end from the beginning…and that means He knows your mistakes before you even make them. When you say “I can’t believe I did this again”, quite literally He will be looking back to you saying “Oh but I can…and now that you know what I know…maybe we can make some progress and grow”. God won’t be shocked by your failures, your mistakes, your selfishness, your addictions, those generational chains. Only you will be, but

you must recognize that the more aware you become of your own brokenness, the more beautiful Jesus becomes.

He knows you top to bottom and every one of those mistakes you have and will come to make, yet His presence in your life is so prevalent you have no explanation for it other than the reality that He loves you anyway. His grace is greater. His mercy is greater. And when you are at rock bottom remember how much He has blessed you regardless of what He knows about you. Choose not to waste the blessing as much as you can help it. Rock bottom isn’t pointless if you find the Rock there.

I share all of this to say that you don’t know it yet, but the thing you believe will never be a part of your testimony is going to be a central moment in your adult life. I don’t say this to give you an impending sense of dread, but God is going to bless you mightily…and then it will all come crashing down. You’re not going to know why, but you’re going to wonder if it’s your fault. You will have certainly played your part but please hear me…there is nothing you could have done. You’re going to grieve the family you had gained, you’re going to grieve the future you thought you were building, and you’re not going to know why you had traveled so far just to end up in that lonely place. It’ll be good then to remember your own advice about God giving you what you would have asked for…it’s going to seem impossible in that moment. But trust me, a second wave is coming. You’re going to cry out for clarity and it’s going to seem like none will come. You will feel lost. Lean into your group of friends. Brandon, Jarvis, Wes, Anthony, Chip, Tom, Cody…these are the knights at your table. Remember these names. You will never have a biological brother, but God is going to give you a whole band of brothers. You’re lucky to have them. Relationships are the currency of life, and in them God will make you wealthy. You’ve spent your adult life pouring into others…this will be a season where you must allow yourself to be poured into. You should know that even though you think you need clarity to get through this…you don’t. What you really need is trust.

Clarity is an idol that allows you to feel like you’re in control. You never were, and you never will be. But God is. If you have perfect clarity in life’s difficult moments you will lean on your own understanding, vision, and trust in your own strength.

That’s the last thing you need. You don’t need clarity, you need trust. Only when you trust God fully will you have the courage to move when He tells you it’s time. If you don’t have that trust, all the clarity in the world won’t be able to save you. Trust that He’s already done the math on this, and He is ALWAYS on time.

You Never Know Who Needs Your Story

That reminds me…when you meet Jesus on the beach, linger a little longer. He’s not mad at you, He’s not disappointed in you. But He is there with you, even in the storm. Revisit that moment as often as you can. Your life will never be the same.

You know it’s going to be funny, you’re close to my vantage point now…and I can tell you that the advice I gave you is born out of experience. It’s trustworthy. God will, inexplicably reconstitute your entire life in unimaginable ways. Yes all of it. He will take you from that dark place of feeling unlovable to experiencing a love that you never knew was possible. When God brings her along, just go with it. You’re not going to want to miss it, and you won’t ever regret summoning all you’ve learned to pour back into her. She will help you heal. Let God, and let her. It will all happen faster than expected. In some ways it’s going to be a miniature Job situation, and it’s going to be so good that you could have never even imagined it before. If you were to ask God – you wouldn’t even have known to ask for this. So “Fear not, only believe”.

If I can leave you with one final parting word, it’s push this thing to the max. Be more concerned with becoming a man of significance than a man of success. Most people think if they achieve success they will find fulfillment in life. But the truth is the success everyone is chasing is hollow.

You’re going to meet and build relationships with many incredibly successful people who are still bitter, anxious, fearful, and owned by the grind everyone is worshiping. Make no mistake, your deepest need isn’t success – it’s significance.

Success is what you accomplish for yourself, but significance is what you accomplish for others . A dream that only serves you, no matter how big, is playing life small. Significance is different, its reward in in the successes of the lives it touches. And that is so much greater than the selfish little world you were going to settle for. In the end we will only take two things with us after this life is over: who we become along the way, and the people we bring with us. Invest everything you have into both. On that day, all the challenges, struggles, pain, failures, and rock bottom moments are going to be worth it. The storms you weather will become scars. The scars will become stories. And those stories will give someone else in the midst of their struggle the courage to try. “Do not fear, only believe”.
You never know who needs your story.

-I Love You

This Letter Was For You, Too

We all have a younger version of ourselves inside of us still asking:
“Do I belong here?”
“What am I made for?”
“Why does this hurt so much?”

I didn’t write this letter to dwell on the pain.
I wrote it to prove that it has a purpose.
To show that the struggle is sacred.
That every scar is a seam in something God is stitching together on purpose.

My story is still being written.
But if anything in this letter resonates with you, if you’ve felt stuck in-between worlds, not enough, too much, or completely out of place, you’re not alone.
And you’re probably not off course.

Your pain might be preparation for a story that only someone like you can tell.
And you never know who needs your story.

Thanks for reading.
Let’s walk it out together.

Grace and Peace,
-Marcus