Marko the Comic

I have a communication problem with my boyfriend Rick. I’ll try to draw him out, ask him about his childhood, his hopes and fears, whether he wants Grubhub or Uber Eats for dinner, and all I get back are shrugs and gestures. One time I told him it felt like there was a wall between us, and he held up his hands, pressing them against an imaginary glass wall. And I’m like, “use your words, Rick.”

Another time I said I was trying to pull him closer, and he pulled an imaginary rope, then dropped the rope and held up a hand as if to say, “stop”. Or “slow down”. Or maybe he was holding up an imaginary mirror to me. He might have been stretching. I’m just not sure, and that’s the problem. Please, Marko, what should I do?

Signed,

“We Need to Talk” in Boring, Oregon

Dear Needy,

I think it’s time you be honest with yourself and honor your needs. It’s also important that you stop dating mimes. They have a different love language, a different way of connecting, and frequently get confused with clowns. They also don’t make much money. I suggest you sit Rick down and get his attention by waving your hands in the air, then pick up an imaginary stick. Now break the stick and throw it on the ground. Then get in your car, which I’m assuming is a 1978 AMC Gremlin, Forest Green, rusted tailpipe—I don’t know why, that’s just what I picture you in—and drive away. Unless it’s your apartment, in which case toss Rick out the door. I’m guessing Rick doesn’t have a car, but perhaps he can mime one.

- Marko the Comic

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Where Have You Gone, Tom Collins?

Marko the Comic — Thu, 06 Aug 2026 20:24:58 GMT

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Oak Park To Restrict Random Shooting In Wake Of Shooting Death

Marko the Comic — Fri, 24 Jul 2026 19:49:06 GMT

Shooting drivers has become less popular

The Oak Park Police Oversight Committee will draft and review a new policy within 1,760 days restricting the use of pretextual traffic stops to shoot and kill drivers. Trustee Eric Elrod motioned to consider this proposal following the death of Christian Wallace in May. Wallace was shot and killed by Oak Park police after he was allegedly pulled over for failing to signal a lane change. Video footage of the incident was released in June and supports police statements that the failure to signal was likely done with criminal intent and malice aforethought.

“The leading cause of roadway deaths is drunk driving, but the second most common cause is getting shot while failing to signal,” said Elrod. “When police shoot people for minor violations, they have less time to shoot at drunk drivers.”

Elrod stressed that traffic safety is “sometimes important” and that while stopping negligent lane changers does reduce the number of endangered citizens, shooting them can “sometimes cause more dead people, not less”. Elrod was interrupted by Trustee McGee, a former English teacher, who kept shouting, “fewer, not less.”

Pretextual traffic stops, the use of minor infractions such as broken taillights or loud hip hop music, can create an “opportunity for bias-based shooting,” according to a 2025 consultant’s report on local policing commissioned by the village government for an estimated $2.5 million. The report is a half-page long, most of which shows an infographic explaining what hip hop music is.

“While we may end up with more crazy lane changes,” Elrod mused, “we’ll have less dead bodies to clean up which could save us money in the end.” Elrod was swiftly attacked by Trustee McGee, who was shot by police and remains in critical condition.

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Trump Adds Condition to Saudi Nuke Deal: “By Nukes I Meant Coal”

Marko the Comic — Thu, 23 Jul 2026 18:58:32 GMT

Trump pulls the old “whoopsie doodle funky switcher” on the Arabs

Saudi Arabia would need to buy US coal and coal plants to receive the U.S. nuclear technology it has long sought, President Donald Trump said Thursday, adding a new condition to an agreement signed a day earlier and throwing the future of that deal into confusion. Trump added by further clarification, “And by nuclear technology what I really meant was big beautiful clean coal, sold by the US to our Arab friends.”

If the Saudis “don’t want beautiful clean coal, the deal is off,” White House press secretary Karoline Leavitt said a few hours later, responding to questions from reporters. When asked how the deal had switched from nuclear power to coal, Leavitt swiftly added, “gas is now below five cents a gallon.” Gas is not below five cents a gallon, a fact that Ms. Leavitt perhaps was not aware of.

Asked why the coal condition had not been explained at the time of the deal Leavitt said that Trump is “a great negotiator, perhaps the best the world has ever seen.” She explained that he had clearly pulled a “whoopsie doodle funky switcher,” one of the “many tools in his great negotiator tool belt.”

For his part Trump quickly called a press conference next to a loud helicopter and shouted over it in a hoarse voice that could be barely comprehended, “clean coal is like nuclear. The nuclear makes power. Clean coal makes power. Same thing.” No one was in fact going anywhere on the helicopter, and Trump slumped back to the White House to “attend to other international matters, like the reflecting pool.”

Israel opposes Saudi Arabia’s developing a nuclear program, fearful it could lead to a nuclear arms race. Israeli leaders welcomed Trump’s new statement, saying, “Trump got our call and addressed our concerns. We are grateful, in ways we’re not legally permitted to disclose.”

Additional details were later disclosed, including that there would be a 50% tariff imposed on all clean coal sold to the Arabs. In addition, the coal might in fact not be very clean. “We need all the clean coal here in the US,” Trump explained, “but we have a lot of dirty coal for sale. I might drop the tariff to 20%. Then raise it to 60%. It’s all up for discussion now that we’ve signed a deal.”

Hegseth Requests $67 Billion Budget Increase for War While Wearing $67 billion Exoskeleton

Marko the Comic — Wed, 22 Jul 2026 16:46:15 GMT

Secretary of War Pete Hegseth shows off his new ExoSkeleton, which was not paid for with taxpayer funds in any way.

Showing Congress his true mettle, Secretary of War (SOW) Pete Hegseth bravely defended his request for $67 billion more to fight the Iranian mega-Nuclear threat while wearing his new $67 billion exoskeleton. He looked sharp and in command while swatting Congressional questions like so many Iranian drones.

Under completely partisan and unfair questioning from Sen. Jeanne Shaheen (D-New Hampshire), SOW Hegseth did jumping jacks and burpees that shook the entire building. This display of power reduced the weak female to a respectful, awestruck silence, as any woman should feel in the presence of a superior man in a superior exoskeleton.

“I guess I’m wondering how you paid for that exoskeleton,” drawled Sen. John Kennedy (Louisiana), a Republican who appeared addled and ready for retirement. Perhaps there’s too much gumbo stuck in his dome. In any event, SOW Hegseth deflected the question while shooting lasers from his head, disproving cruel rumors that he could not chew gum and shoot lasers out of his head at the same time.

“I have to echo my colleague’s concerns about the metal suit,” Sen. Patty Murray (Washington), the committee’s top Democrat, blabbered like a baby that is very baby-like and not very mature and only seems to care about other people. “Not to imply anything but, is this budget request in any way related to what you’re wearing?” Hegseth rose to his full 50 feet, scraping his exo-head on the marble ceiling and sending white chips flying. As the assembled committee members ducked for cover like cowardly recruits encountering their first IED, Hegseth soldiered on, arguing that all military budget requests are inherently reasonable, as they are for the military. “It’s about the security of the United States!” he yelled from the built-in public address system, capable of sending out a high-decibel, low-frequency signal that makes everyone within a mile crap their pants. Showing the restraint for which he is famous, SOW Hegseth did not deploy that system at the hearing. But he very well could have. And might need to in the future. For security.

In stunning quadrophonic sound, Hegseth announced, “Iran, which we have defeated and continue to defeat, will keep winning against us unless you approve this budget, which we desperately need, because we are losing some of the winning we have gained.”

With that he deployed his calf rockets and shot through a nearby window, sending glass shattering and Congressional staffers scrambling. It was an impressive display of the type of military might that always wins and never loses against a growing list of international enemies and freedom seekers. The budget request was approved later that day, after paramedics provided first aid to the weaklings left trembling in Hegseth’s nuclear dust.

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Proof that Mitch McConnell is Not Completely Dead

Marko the Comic — Tue, 21 Jul 2026 21:07:00 GMT

Mitch keeping it lively while vigorously pursuing all the perks of being completely 100% alive

I can assure you, Mitch McConnell is alive and well. He’s having a good rest at the rehabilitation center. Yes, it’s true that he fell in mid-June, but that’s nothing new for our Mitch. He falls all the time, we just usually pick him up, dust him off and wow, he’s back in action. Yes, it is also true that he was unconscious after this fall, but all that means is we were a bit more careful when we set him on his feet. He can stand while unconscious, he’s a Senator after all. He is also a Kentuckian, through and through. Let’s not lose sight of that fact. And in Kentucky there’s an old saying. “If you can’t stand losing consciousness, then don’t stand in Kentucky.” That was our State motto for a while.

Mitch doesn’t talk much, but he’s had several 20-minute conversations with various important people, none of whom are the governor. To be frank, we hate the governor. He’s trying to use Mitch’s death to his own advantage. If he had his way, we would swear in a new, alive Senator. Not that Mitch is un-alive. He’s just as alive as the next fellow. Super unconscious, but super alive. Let’s just remember, you have to be alive to be unconscious, and he is both. It’s like that old Kentucky saying, “you can’t be dead and alive at the same time.” Mitch is living proof of this profound statement.

Instead of dwelling on the past, or the present, we look to the future, after Mitch regains consciousness and lets us know what he’s got planned for this great nation. We’re thinking a silent filibuster. He could stand and fix his glassy stare on the Democrats until they feel slightly uncomfortable. And of course, as soon as he’s back on his feet and conscious at the same time, he’ll be serving up that healthy Kentucky serving of voting restrictions that the people demand. What good is a democracy if just anyone can vote? Voting is a sacred right that belongs to those who can afford it. Mitch has seen firsthand the damage that can be done when minorities and the poor get their hands on the ballot. They frequently sully it with their grit and grime. It spells disaster for those who have worked so hard to keep them from the ballot box. But that won’t happen on Mitch’s glazed watch. No sirree. As we like to say down south, “keep an eye on those people, they’re getting uppity again. Where’s my gun?”

So we can almost hear you asking, because we frequently tap your phone calls and read your mail, when will Mitch really be back in action? When can we see him move, or open and close his eyes, or some other demonstration of his unending strength and vigor? Well, let’s not get ahead of ourselves. We have another saying in Kentucky, and it’s “don’t get ahead of yourselves.” So let’s heed that bit of wisdom. Mitch will move when Mitch wants to move, and until then we can all rest assured that he is completely alive and will not be legally dead until some radical left-wing doctor holds a stethoscope to his chest. But we’re not going to let that happen. We owe it to the Senator to keep things just the way they are for a good long time. Mitch would have wanted it that way. When he was alive. Which he still is.

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The Sunk Cost

Marko the Comic — Sun, 19 Jul 2026 15:15:25 GMT

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John Waters! John Freaking Waters!!!!!

Marko the Comic — Tue, 14 Jul 2026 18:53:05 GMT

Burning questions answered! John Waters sits down with coeditor Dr. Michelle E. Moore and chapter authors to dive deep into the world of Refocus: The Films of John Waters. Watch now:

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Concessions

Marko the Comic — Sun, 12 Jul 2026 13:54:43 GMT

3 Minute set at Comedy Plex 7/1/26

Marko the Comic — Thu, 02 Jul 2026 19:21:24 GMT

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Thank you for watching my 3 Minute Comedy Special, Marko the Comic: Smell the Comedy!