What is surrender?

Is it mindless obedience? Self-abasing martyrdom? Is it a decision based on convenience? Is it a simple choice that comes instantaneously?

No, not at all.

Surrender isn’t reliant on our ability or reasoning. Surrender isn’t contingent on our spouse’s merit. Surrender isn’t something we do when it’s opportune or convenient. Surrender is a lifestyle and constant choice, an intentional decision to put our hope, confidence, and faith in God alone.

We see glimpses of this faith in the scriptural account of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. As the three Hebrew young men faced the fury of Nebuchadnezzar, they resolved not to bow to his idol of gold. They said, “O Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand, O king. But even if he does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.”

Did you catch it?

Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego demonstrated full confidence in God’s ability but lived in a state of abandonment to His will. At no point did they indicate doubt. They showed no need to defend themselves. They stood firm and resolved to do what was right, regardless of the outcome.

Do you live with that much abandonment in your marriage? Are you content to let God defend you? Are you fully trusting in His ability?

Faith means that even when our circumstances dictate hopelessness, we remain hopeful, because God can be trusted.

Surrender may sound like the Christian thing to do … but understanding it and doing it are worlds apart.

God’s Love Lesson 101

One night, I laid prostrate on our off-white carpeted bedroom floor, God asked me to surrender my control for His, my self-will for His Spirit-filled living, my rights for His, my incessant need to protect for an abandoned understanding that He would be my protector. His call to surrender challenged me to love my husband as He had loved me.

You see, our relationship had fallen into a whirlwind courtship, and we were married six short months after meeting. Although I failed to recognize it at the time, I carried hidden scars from the emotional, physical, and sexual abuse I had experienced as a child, and I unknowingly placed my need for validation and security upon my husband, Greg. I had no idea just how much I needed to surrender my needs to God. My extreme insecurities and incessant need to control opposed every fiber of Greg’s carefree, fun-loving disposition.

I fired out questions like a machine gun.

“Where are you going?”

“Who’s going along?”

“When will you be home?”

Seems innocent enough, right? Unfortunately, each question sprang from a place of suspicion and need to control. My fear of being hurt caused an insatiable need to protect myself from harm.

My inability to surrender to God caused constant friction. In the early years of our marriage, Greg and I fought more days than not. Our confrontations often began in the early evening and lasted to the wee hours of the morning. Rash words spoken in a moment’s emotional flare left us both wounded.

“Baby, I just want you to want to be here with me! Why do you always want to be gone? Can’t you see what I need? Don’t you care?”

Over time, Greg’s concessions to stay home with me grew old. Eventually, he tired of my clinginess and retaliated by asserting his independence.

Another day, another fight!

It seemed I knew how to push Greg’s buttons, but didn’t know how not to. My needs constantly pushed Greg to his limit, as his drove me to mine.

I conditioned my love according to Greg’s actions. My emotions teetered on his approval or the lack thereof.

Surrender my needs to God? I thought I had. I mean, I loved God. I wanted to please Him. The problem was just how blind I was to the whole situation.

Have you ever been so short-sighted that every argument seemed to be someone else’s fault? Have you ever experienced a need so great that it prevented you from comprehending your spouse’s needs? Have you ever been frustrated because you had no idea how to avoid pushing your spouse’s buttons?

Here’s the truth I had to reckon with that night I surrendered my marriage to God: Regardless of upbringing, socioeconomic status, gender, or race, we all share a selfish nature. Marriage requires us to exchange our selfish nature for Christ’s servant-like nature. The truth is, our marriages offer us the clearest revelation of our relationship with Christ. How we treat one another in this closest human relationship reveals the clearest indication of our heart’s condition. Why? Because our marriages test us, mold us, and challenge us as no other earthly relationship can. As couples, we need to understand that surrendering our rights to God is non-negotiable.

Will surrender be easy? Of course not.

Will it be accomplished in a single moment? Oh, I wish—but no.

However, surrender is essential if we want thriving marriages through every circumstance of life.

So the questions remain: Are you living surrendered? Do you insist on your rights? Or do you wake each morning asking, “Lord, how can I serve You today? And how would You have me demonstrate Your love to my spouse?”

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“Surrender is not the best way to live; it is the only way to live. Nothing else works. All other approaches lead to frustration, disappointment, and self-destruction…. Surrendering your life is not a foolish emotional impulse but a rational, intelligent act, the most responsible and sensible thing you can do with your life.” —Rick Warren

P.S. Ready to surrender your marriage to God and take your connection to a new level? We’d love to help. We are offering a limited-time offer of our Thrive in Marriage course for just $27!

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🔄 This Week’s Marriage Mindset Shift:

Work. Groceries. Football practice and swim … Day-to-day activities can distract us from our purpose. It’s all the small little don’t forget we have to … and the on your way, could you just… that creep in to steal our time. If we aren’t careful, we find ourselves running frantically from one thing to another, until the items on our to-do list become obligations rather than celebrations. We start to stress as timelines and deadlines get pressed, crunching our want-tos with our have-tos. So, what’s a couple to do? Articles peppered all across the internet suggest that chronic stress leads to disease. But, how do we change the way we live?

As with every habit of living into God’s higher way of living, for our marriage, our victory begins in our mindset. Changing “the way we live” means “changing the way we think”. When life gets busy, recognize it and reprioritize. Align your actions and your calendar with what matters most. Recognize and talk about the season of life you are in, as a couple, and empower one another to say “No” to activities without guilt. Remember, good is the enemy of great. Every quarter, we reprioritize our schedule. We schedule our projects, deadlines, speaking engagements, and conferences. We insert our kids’ activities, special days, and family trips. We block out days for reflection, rest, and connection. And, include buffer times on all of our deadlines. As we manage for margin, we reduce our stress and position our lives to celebrate each and every day.

📖 This Week’s Scripture:

💍 This Week’s Action Step

Together, consider your current schedule. As you fill your schedule, consistently ask one another; will this activity help or hinder our desired result as a couple? Guard against time wasters by frequently asking one another; what’s our desired outcome for our marriage? And, what is God’s intention for us? Then, plan for your future. Let your answers guide you to remove unwanted distractions and to set your attention on God’s intention.

🙏 This Week’s Prayer

I grew up in what was labeled the “latchkey generation”—a generation of kids who learned to let themselves into an empty house and care for themselves while their parents worked. For me, the experience extended far beyond a few unsupervised hours after school. From age eight until sixteen, my parents worked out of town, arriving home late Friday evening and leaving Sunday afternoon. For the rest of the week, I lived on my own

I cooked my own meals, cleaned the house, and did my homework. When I was sick, I cared for myself. No one tucked me into bed with nighttime prayers or assured me everything would be okay.

Nope. For me … I grew up responsible—expected to remain capable and operate independently.

For most of my life, those qualities served me well. But beneath my self-taught competence, a belief quietly took root:

I am on my own. If something needs to be done, I must do it. I cannot depend on anyone else to take care of me.

Performance became my operandi; perfection became my measuring stick. Others celebrated self-sufficiency while frowning upon self-care.

Is it any wonder I became fiercely self-sufficient?

Unlearning those lifelong patterns proved harder than expected...Resting, offering myself grace, or recusing myself from the responsibility of everyone and everything has been even harder.

Sometimes I grieve how much of my life has passed me by. I’ve spent years considering everyone else’s feelings, catering to their needs, and carrying their burdens while denying my own.

Surely, God didn’t command that, does He? I mean, I understand … Of course He calls us to love and serve others, but He never requires us to erase ourselves in the process.

Jesus said, “Love your neighbor as yourself” (Mark 12:31). For years, I emphasized the first half of that command while overlooking the last two words: as yourself.

Here’s what stands out. For me ...

• Loving others seemed holy. Caring for myself selfish.

• Serving others seemed Christlike. Acknowledging my own limitations weak.

• Meeting someone else’s needs felt obedient. Admitting I needed anything almost shameful.

• I knew how to work for, serve, and try to please God. I didn’t know how to rest in His love, depend on His care, or believe He had already accepted me.

But friend, learning to need no one carries a hidden cost.

So, in this season, I’m learning to release the life that has passed by and reclaim the life God desires for me. I want to say yes to His invitation to a better way—laying down performance, loosening my grip on perfection, and receiving the same grace I spent my life extending.

God does not condemn us when we reach our limit.

In 1 Kings 19, Elijah had just experienced a tremendous victory on Mount Carmel. He stood firm when he seemed completely alone. Yet shortly afterward, he collapsed beneath a broom tree and told God, “I have had enough” (1 Kings 19:4).

Rereading Elijah’s story, I noticed something new: God didn’t shame Elijah for reaching his limit. He didn’t scold him or tell him he failed to measure up.

Nope! God tells Elijah … get some sleep.

Then, He sends an angel with food and water and gently acknowledges, “The journey is too much for you” (1 Kings 19:7).

Before asking anything more from Elijah, God cared for him. He gave Elijah rest, nourishment, His quiet presence, and eventually a companion to walk alongside him.

Friend, even the strongest among us needs care. Reaching our limit does not signal spiritual failure. Rest should be expected and welcomed as a part of our life’s rhythm.

Jesus did not model endless availability or self-neglect. Yes, He made the ultimate sacrifice and died on the cross!

Yet … throughout His life, He withdrew from the crowds to pray. He rested when tired and received care from others. He did not respond to every demand or let others’ urgency dictate His every move. Jesus surrendered to His Father instead of letting the needs and expectations around Him control Him.

God wants us to enjoy life, welcome His strength, and release any faulty beliefs. But the beliefs we formed in our childhood, unfortunately, don’t magically disappear when we get married. They follow us into our relationships, shape how we give, receive, ask for help, and respond when someone offers care.

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So, if life taught you or your spouse to depend only on self, here are three insights for building a new way of relating—and a thriving marriage:

1. Notice One Another’s Needs Without Being Asked

Your spouse may not know how to ask for help. More than likely, they spent most of their life suppressing their needs and may not recognize them until overwhelm sets in.

Pay attention. Notice when they feel tired. Ask what they carry. Look for ways to lighten their load without requiring them to ask.

And if you are a recovering latchkey kid … LOL … learn to ask for help. Just because you can take care of everything doesn’t mean you should.

Next …

2. Be Consistent and Follow Through

When you commit to something, do your best to follow through. If plans change, communicate. When your spouse finally risks asking for help, respond with tenderness instead of making them regret becoming vulnerable.

You won’t always get it right. No one does. But every time you follow through, you reassure your spouse they aren’t alone—they really can depend on you.

And finally…

3. Remember Love Isn’t Contingent On Performance

Oh boy! This one is BIG!

A self-sufficient spouse may find their value in what they accomplish, produce, or provide. They may feel most secure when they’re useful and deeply uncomfortable when they’re resting or receiving.

Don’t only thank your spouse for what they do. Remind them who they are.

Isn’t that what God does for us?

He reminds us, I love you for who you are, not for what you can do for Me. He loves us intrinsically because we belong to Him—not transactionally because of what we accomplish for Him.

Invite your spouse to speak honestly about their needs. Never criticize their weakness or use their vulnerability against them. Assure them they don’t need to earn your love.

You cannot heal every wound from your spouse’s childhood—and you don’t bear that responsibility. But you can create a safe marriage where they no longer feel compelled to carry everything alone.

And if you were the latchkey kid, allow your spouse to love you. Practice naming what you need and let them help you. Receiving care doesn’t make you helpless, selfish, or weak.

Your competence is a gift. Your resilience deserves admiration. Your strength carried you through many difficult seasons. But you don’t need to carry everything (all alone) anymore.

God created marriage as a place where two people give and receive—bear one another’s burdens—offer one another strength—and remind each other—we were never meant to walk alone.

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🔄 This Week’s Marriage Mindset Shift:

Years back, we decided to sell our home. Ironically, the next morning we noticed other houses all around our neighborhood with for-sale signs in their yard. Coincidence? Not likely. A similar thing happened when we purchased our Acura MDX SUV. Suddenly, we noticed the same make and model all along the highway. Why all of a sudden did it seem like everyone else decided to drive a similar vehicle? Was there a deviant plot for people to replicate our lives? Of course not! Instead, a great mystery was at play; we find what we are looking for.

In marriage, we can learn new habits to implement powerful truths by finding and searching out the good. After all, if we truly find what we are looking for, we need to look for what is good and worthy in one another! If you look for ways you out-serve your spouse, you’ll probably talk yourself into a really good pity party. If, however, you look for all the ways they serve, you’ll find it. Recently, we noticed we felt irritated and a little short-fused. Our grace cup for one another certainly seemed lacking. Why? Truthfully, we were smack dab in the middle of a lot of deadlines and started to feel the crunch. We inadvertently kept a scorecard of all the ways we served and forgot to recognize one another’s sacrifices. Ever been guilty?

The moment we remembered that we find what we are looking for, we acknowledged the ways we each served one another. Our appreciation grew. We felt like a team as we tackled the to-do list together. Our shift in thinking changed everything as we searched and found the good in one another, daily.

📖 This Week’s Scripture:

💍 This Week’s Action Step

Individually, take inventory of the attitudes of your heart. Do you need to shift your thinking? Take mental notes of all the ways your spouse serves you. Remember, you find what you’re looking for, so look for the best in one another. Search for opportunities to surprise one another, to be completely humble and gentle, patient, and bear with one another in love.

🙏 This Week’s Prayer

Job 2:9–10 • Proverbs 19:11 • 1 Peter 4:8 • Job 42:10-13

Ever read the story of Job? If so, you’ve probably focused on his loss and felt sorry for all his suffering. I mean, poor guy. He virtually lost everything. His wealth. His children, even his health. At one point, Scripture describes Job as sitting in ashes, scraping painful sores from his body.

Ok. Can I say: Eww!

And … to top it off … drum roll please … enter stage left … Job’s wife! No loving response. No, how can I help? No tender words of affection. Nope … she shows up on the scene and spews rash, harsh, horrible words!

“Do you still hold fast your integrity? Curse God and die!” (Job 2:9).

Whew! As I read her words, I have to admit I didn’t hold a very good opinion of her. I mean … c’mon, lady! Seriously! Poor Job! How could you say such a thing? Why not just kick him when he’s down?

… Then, it hit me! How could SHE say such a thing?

Well, how about because her life had completely come unraveled too. Those weren’t just Job’s kids; they were her children too. That was her home. Like Job, she had also lost everything. And, to top it off, she was watching her leading man suffer physically. She walks up, sees Job sitting in ashes … scraping sores off his body with broken pieces of pottery.

Again … EWW!

I imagine she had to wonder: Will this ever end? I can’t take it anymore!

And, in that moment of sheer desperation, a woman who had reached the end of herself … lashes out.

Yes, her words were harsh, unimaginable, even foolish. But I was captured by Job’s response. Job could have lashed back, “How could you say that to me, after everything we’ve been through?” He could have grown bitter and let that single statement define his opinion of her forever.

Instead, I believe Job chose to hear the hurt beneath her words. He clearly had to understand her loss firsthand, and, in compassion, he reminds her of the truth and calls her up to the standard he knows she needs reminded of:

“You speak as one of the foolish women would speak” (Job 2:10).

I love that. Did you catch the distinction? Job didn’t say, YOU are a foolish woman.

He calls out what she said, in her moment of weakness, as foolish. That distinction matters in marriage!

Healthy marriages learn to separate moments of weakness from each other’s identity. A fearful response doesn’t make someone a coward. A moment of doubt doesn’t make a person weak. Likewise, an ill-spoken word doesn’t need to become a permanent definition of a person’s heart.

It’s easy to take someone’s worst moment and turn it into evidence of who they “really are.” But grace says, “I see you. And I know you are better than this moment. You may have said that, but that’s not who you are.”

I’m not suggesting it’s ok to say something foolish and expect no repercussions. It’s never ok to live in careless, perpetual stupidity and expect everyone to cater to your bad day … but every relationship, at one time or another, will require grace.

Mature love looks past moments of offense … and chooses to see, believe, and speak the best, especially during prolonged seasons of loss or grief. When we extend grace, it heals our own heart. It sets us free from the entrapments of bitterness. It releases from our memory harmful words that the enemy would love for us to harbor so that he can use them to steal, kill, and destroy our life and marriage.

So, in the moments or seasons when grief, financial pressure, family conflict, health challenges, or major life transitions attempt to take you out, like they did Job … remember … sometimes the most loving thing you can do is to remind your spouse (and yourself) this is a season, not a sentence.

And when and if, or if and when, your spouse lashes out with rash, irresponsible words, remember what they did or what they said isn’t the truth of who they are.

No … That doesn’t mean hurtful words don’t matter. And no… I’m not suggesting pretending something they did wasn’t painful.

However, I am suggesting that we refuse to make a permanent judgment about someone we love based on a temporary moment of weakness.

And that we need enough grace and wisdom to know when the proper response is, “I know you’re hurting. And I won’t let this moment define us or become bigger than who God has called us to be.”

Proverbs 19:11 reminds us, “A person’s wisdom yields patience; it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense.”

In other words, not every offhanded comment needs a two-hour discussion. Not every poorly chosen word needs scrutiny, revisiting, or remembering. Yes, of course, some things absolutely need to be addressed, but other things simply need love’s covering.

1 Peter 4:8 says, “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.”

In the early years, we established “The Rule of Five” to govern our conversations:

• Will this matter five minutes from now?

• Five days from now?

• Five years from now?

We chose not to discuss every moment, emotion, or circumstance and discovered a powerful truth: not every feeling is real, and not every offense needs to be discussed.

This isn’t STUFFING our feelings … this is the MATURITY of practicing LOVE UNDER CONSTRAINT. It’s FORGIVENESS. It’s GRACE. After all, maturity isn’t only shown by what we’re willing to confront. Sometimes it’s demonstrated by what we’re willing to release.

That’s what I love about Job’s response. Job corrects her words, without condemning her personhood. Job also didn’t take offense or lash back and say, Great! I guess you’re gonna turn on me too! Instead, he models correction, not condemnation.

Correction says, “This isn’t ok.” Condemnation says, “You’re not ok.” Strong marriages learn the difference.

Friend, be careful not to make permanent conclusions in moments of temporary pain.

Job’s wife said something dramatic in her moment of brokenness: “Curse God and die.” But thankfully, Job wasn’t keeping a scoreboard or holding her words against her as ammunition for a future day.

That moment wasn’t the end of their story. In Job forty-two, God restores Job’s fortunes, blesses his latter days, and once again he has seven sons and three daughters.

Job resisted allowing one statement made in a moment of unbearable grief to define his wife. He extended grace, and together, their story continued. And friend, yours can too!

Practical Actions Steps

1. Separate the moment from the person.

Your spouse may have said something foolish, but that does not make them a foolish person. Address the behavior without turning it into their identity.

2. Listen for the hurt beneath the words.

Harsh reactions often overflow from fear, grief, exhaustion, or pressure. Before reacting, ask yourself, “What might my spouse be carrying right now?”

3. Choose correction, not condemnation.

Correction says, “This isn’t okay.” Condemnation says, “You’re not okay.” Speak truth in a way that protects your spouse’s dignity and invites restoration.

4. Use the Rule of Five.

Will this matter in five minutes, five days, or five years? Some things need a loving conversation. Other things simply need love’s covering and release.

5. Move toward purpose, not pain.

Do not keep rehearsing the offense or storing it as ammunition. Remind each other: “This is a season, not a sentence. This moment will not define us.”

🔄 This Week’s Marriage Mindset Shift:

Andrew Carnegie said, “It marks a big step in your development when you come to realize that other people can help you do a better job than you can do alone.”

Think about his quote in reference to your marriage. Our marital differences aren’t a matter of being right or wrong. Instead, our differences offer diversity. When we welcome those differences, they expand our perspective, strengthen us, and deepen our wisdom. Just as one piece of iron sharpens another, our differences provide the necessary friction to sharpen us and empower us to accomplish more. Our impact is greater when we learn how to celebrate our differences (instead of seeing them as threats).

As for us, our differences in parenting used to invite, well…let’s call them “spirited conversations.” (We like to tell people that we loved Jesus and one another passionately—and we fought just as passionately!) Today, we recognize that blending our differences can lead to division, or it can help us maximize our strengths. Likewise, God designed you and your spouse distinctly, purposed all your differences, and positioned you together, on purpose, for His purpose.

Since God foresaw you and your spouse’s differences (and loves you both), consider how you can better leverage your differences together, for a shared impact, and how you can better welcome one another’s perspectives.

📖 This Week’s Scripture:

💍 This Week’s Action Step

Ask yourself, do I position my spouse as my partner or my opponent? Commit to working together, unified in effort and vision. Identify how your differences add dimension to one another. How do your different perspectives add wisdom and depth to your relationship? Spend some time analyzing, individually, how you can learn from your spouse’s strengths. Then practice expressing appreciation for those strengths throughout the week.

🙏 This Week’s Prayer

🔄 This Week’s Marriage Mindset Shift:

“I knew you could do it.”

“Your answers are always so brilliant.”

After 20 years, Dr. Berl Best’s words still echo in our minds and impact our marriage relationship.

As a college professor, Dr. Best always possessed a way of speaking confidence into his students. He certainly mastered the art of praise and constantly inspired the best in them and their abilities. Students who typically struggled finished his class with grades higher than anticipated. His praise and genuine belief that each student held value impacted their actions and produced a positive outcome.

Dr. John C. Maxwell wrote, “When a person feels encouraged, he can face the impossible and overcome incredible adversity.”

As couples, we hold a powerful weapon to inspire the best in one another. Together, we can overcome incredible adversity and enjoy marriage as God intended. Though our actions begin in the meditations of our thoughts, our words hold the power to bring forth life.

Reclaiming territory and creating positive habits takes a lot of work. Yet, every week, when you and your spouse show up and commit to building new habits, you position your marriage to live God’s purpose. Your God-given purpose is a celebration of who God already created you to be, and the habits you implement enforce God’s best in you and your spouse.

📖 This Week’s Scripture:

💍 This Week’s Action Step

Consider ways you can daily spur one another on to good works. Intentionally catch one another doing something right and share your appreciation for one another as often as possible. Inspire one another with your words. Make it a practice to look for one unique way you can inspire the best, in one another, every day. Share ideas how the two of you can inspire life, together, to your family and to others you care most about. Speak life.

🙏 This Week’s Prayer