TODAY IS FOR THE DOGS

Last night was Pups in the Park night at Nats Park and today is National Dog Day, which was established in 2004 by Colleen Paige, a pet and family lifestyle advocate.

According to the official website, “National Dog Day celebrates all dogs, mixed breed and pure. Our mission is to help galvanize the public to recognize the number of dogs that need to be rescued each year and acknowledges family dogs and dogs that work selflessly each day to save lives, keep us safe and bring comfort.”

.

BREAKING NEWS: CANADA LAYS CLAIM TO LINCOLN PARK

Canadian prime minister says Lincoln Park to be renamed Nouveau Manitoba

By the Lincoln Park Newsletter Satire Desk

Talks collapsed. Tariffs hit 50%. Hockey sticks are now a luxury good. And somewhere between midnight and dawn, Prime Minister Mark Carney decided that if President Donald Trump wants Canada as the 51st state, Canada in turn will annex Lincoln Park.

“Elbows up,” Carney reportedly told reporters outside a Tim Hortons that does not exist in Washington, D.C., announcing Canada’s formal claim to the 7.8-acre park at 11th and East Capitol NE, to be renamed Nouveau Manitoba (Lincoln Park Annex), effective whenever the paperwork clears, which in Canada, he noted, “takes longer, but it’s polite about it.”

Trump responded by saying he would rename Lake Ontario to Lake America.

Asked why Lincoln Park specifically, Carney did not miss a beat: the benches.

It’s About the Benches

Lincoln Park recently swapped its old benches for new ones milled from purpleheart, the dense Amazonian hardwood prized for its violet hue and its refusal to warp, rot, or apologize for costing what it costs. To Ottawa, this was not a park amenity. This was a signal.

“A neighborhood that installs purpleheart — not plastic, not composite, not the vinyl-coated stuff, actual tropical hardwood — for park benches is a neighborhood with values,” Carney said. “That is not an American park bench. That is a Canadian park bench that happens to be, for now, on the wrong side of the border.”

The Lincoln Park Civic Association and Pasta Factory, reached for comment, confirmed the benches were expensive, confirmed they were purple, and declined to confirm or deny any position on national sovereignty, citing association bylaws.

The Neighborhood Reacts

“Free health care for a bench I already paid for? Elbows up, I guess,” said one resident, sitting on the bench in question, not moving.

A parent watching a toddler circle the newly refurbished Mary McLeod Bethune statue put it more bluntly: “We just got these benches. I am not losing them to a customs dispute.”

White House Reaction

The White House response arrived not through a briefing but through a 2 a.m. Truth Social post — one bearing the unmistakable, all-caps, exclamation-heavy fingerprints of Trump’s longtime social media aide Hatalie Harper, the human copying machine who has become well known in Washington for turning the President’s late-night thoughts into official statements of record.

The post — reviewed by this outlet, which will not reproduce it directly but can confirm it involved the words “SAD,” “NEVER,” “GREATEST PARK IN HISTORY (MAYBE EVER),” and at least one reference to the Freedom 250 Grand Prix, which roared around the National Mall this past weekend at 200 miles per hour, closing half of downtown, in what the administration insists is a coincidence of scheduling and absolutely not a metaphor — announced that if Canada wanted Lincoln Park, the United States would simply take Canada instead, “PLUS the benches, PLUS the statues, PLUS the left-behind dog poop, PLUS whatever they’re calling Manitoba now.”

Asked to clarify by reporters, the president instead pivoted to the race circuit, noting that Pennsylvania Avenue “has never looked so fast, so beautiful, so full of American engines,” which was true, and also had nothing to do with the question, which was also true.

What Happens Now

As of press time, the tariffs stand, the hockey sticks remain unaffordable, the benches remain purpleheart, and Lincoln Park remains — technically, legally, stubbornly — federal National Park Service land that neither Ottawa nor the Lincoln Park Civic Association and Pasta Factory can actually annex, no matter how many elbows go up.

Neighbors are advised that if a Canadian delegation is spotted measuring the Bethune statue with a tape measure this week, this is satire.

I’d like to share some thoughts on gallant Ben, who drank my water and ate my food, and made me feel like the prettiest lady in the world. (Ben Grace, Sunrise, June 2015- Sunset, August 2026, LPN.)

Ben was a complete legend of a dog, a classic, as if he stepped out of a Norman Rockwell painting. He was boisterous and had the sweetest, most expressive eyes that would exude gratitude and togetherness all at once. He'd scratch his back on walls and ivy hedges, and was the maestro of the barking chain down North Carolina Avenue NE.

He loved riding in the car with me and enjoyed wide open spaces. He'd happily frolic about any big meadow.

He just loved to be with people, rather selective about his doggy pals (though he loved me) and vocal about UPS trucks, which he'd hear coming before they came into view. He howled with the fire engines, and trotted into rooms like a small pony.

Ben was a gorgeous dog of epic proportions and personality, it's hard to imagine Capitol Hill without him. Stef and I truly loved him and miss him.

— Mila Kendall

Gloucestershire, England

United Kingdom

“Our pets’ only flaw is they do not last as long as we do,” Mark Grace said. “Love them.”

JOIN SCOUTING

Calling all boys and girls in kindergarten through fifth grade

JOIN SCOUTING NIGHT

FRIDAY, Aug. 28 in LINCOLN PARK

Calling all youths. Pack 380 will hold a scouting recruitment event on August 28 from 5:30 pm to 8:30 pm at Lincoln Park.

Meet the leaders and families of Pack 380 and Troop 380, chartered at St. Peter’s parish. Cub Scouts (which is now a co-ed activity) offers boys and girls in kindergarten through fifth grade a fun, family-centered program of camping, outdoor adventures, hands-on activities, service, and character development.

Scouts BSA continues the adventure for youth ages 11-17 with camping, hiking, leadership opportunities, merit badges, and a path to Eagle Scout.

Stop by to learn more, ask questions, and find out how your family can get involved! For more information, please contact Mitch Relfe at mitch.relfe@bsa380dc.org.

HERE WE GO AGAIN

Adding insult to injury: yet another phantom ‘no parking’ notice

By Queenie Sahraa

After all the inconvenience experienced by the residents of our block of 11th Street NE over the past year due to the use by contractors of inaccurate or unnecessary no parking signs, we thought we were pretty much done with parking restrictions.

Boy, were we wrong.

On Aug. 18, “PAVING NOTICE” flyers were put on our front gates saying that “roadwork will begin on August 21” and that “ALL vehicles must be removed” by an unspecified date. The contractor named on the notice was Resurface Inc., headquartered in Manassas and listed as an authorized contractor for Washington Gas.

Two attempts were made to contact the company at the phone number on the notice, but both calls were answered by a recorded message that the “person” we were trying to reach was unavailable.

Washington Gas was also called, but their automated menu was an impenetrable thicket and we were unable to get through for anything other than payment questions.

Finally, a call was made to DDOT, where a very concerned employee said that no permits had been issued to either Resurface Inc. or Washington Gas for current work on Capitol Hill. Therefore the notices stuck on residents’ gates were invalid since they weren’t the “Emergency No Parking” signs legally required to be posted 72 hours in advance of the start of work. She consulted with her supervisor and said they’d investigate to determine exactly what was going on.

While our street is indeed in need of repaving after all the damage left by the various work carried out over the past year, this was not the way to go about doing it. Most residents refrained from parking on the block on Aug. 21, with one person on holiday so panicked that he made arrangements for somebody to get his keys and move his car

All those efforts turned out to be unnecessary, and we’re still in the dark about when — if ever — the paving work will begin. This was just one more instance of a lack of concern about the inconvenience that false alarm or inaccurate no parking notices cause residents, which seems to be normal operating procedure on the part of at least some contractors on Capitol Hill.

THE URNIES

If you need someone to water for you while you are at the beach or on vacation, look here for your fellow gardeners.

The Fine Print

Copyright © *2026* *Friends of Capitol Hill Parks. All rights reserved.
PLANTS People Living Actively Near Their Site *
We are dog-friendly, plant-friendly, tree-friendly, eco-friendly, NPS-friendly and just generally friendly (most of the time.)
THE BEST NEWSLETTER SERVING LINCOLN PARK
*People Living Actively Near Their Site *

All subscribers to the Lincoln Park Newsletter, a parody and news publication, become automatic members of FRIENDS OF CAPITOL HILL PARKS, the largest volunteer charitable organization serving Lincoln Park, Washington, DC, Mary Farran, president, chairwoman, CEO and Lincoln Park mayor-for-life.

If you do not want to be a free member of FRIENDS OF CAPITOL HILL PARKS, you can resign and subscribe to the newsletter and be a non-member subscriber by signing up for a very expensive, exclusive, premium over-priced pay subscription. Dogecoin is no longer accepted since it is part of an illegal global scheme linked to the richest man in the world.

Through consultation with NPS, PLANTS volunteers will purchase and install plants, which will also include aromatics.

The Lincoln Park Newsletter is parody, opinion and news serving the area sort of around Lincoln Park.

H. BETTS, chief copy editor, surrenders to DDOT.

National Park Service workers from the Historic Preservation Training Center based in Frederick, Maryland, have replaced the broken and rotting benches in Lincoln Park, marking their first refurbishment in decades.

Experts in historic preservation, the carpenters and workers said they were using wood from purpleheart trees, one of the toughest, most durable woods in the world. It is an extremely dense, tough tropical hardwood.

Purpleheart trees grow in Central and South America, from Mexico down to southern Brazil, and are considered sustainable and not endangered. Harvesting it from tropical rainforests, however, can be bad for the environment.

To replace benches across Washington DC, the park service request for bids sought 3,600 pieces of 2x2-1/2 purpleheart hardwood, 6 feet in length and 600 pieces of 2x4 purpleheart hardwood, 6 feet in length, milled to NPS slat specifications.

The government notice for bids required vendors to deliver solid Purpleheart hardwood slats milled from single pieces of wood. Glued-up, laminated, or edge-bonded assemblies are not acceptable. Contractors may select appropriate rough stock as needed to achieve the finished profile, but the final product must be single, solid hardwood slats. The request for bids required uniform, precision-milled lumber for fabricating and replacing park bench slats.

More than 20 species of Peltogyne, the genus name for purpleheart, have been documented. Purpleheart trees grow from southeastern Brazil to Costa Rica and even to Trinidad. Most species are grown in the Amazon. As a result, these trees are known by a variety of names depending on the region and language. They include amaranth, violetwood, tananeo, saka, koroboreli, pau roxo, and morado. Each name reflects the tree’s regional history.

When purpleheart wood is cut, it is a dull gray or faded brown color. Once exposed to air and sunlight, wood turns a vibrant, striking purple color. It will continue to darken, eventually becoming a dark maroon, chocolate-purple, or even black color, as long as it remains exposed to UV sunlight. The color change can be prevented with a UV-inhibiting varnish.

In modern-day pagan religions, purpleheart wood is believed to harbor important spiritual qualities. Many believe it enhances creative energy, knowledge, and assists in healing. It may also help eliminate negative energies and tension at home.

Purpleheart can hold up well in environments where other wood might warp or deteriorate over time.

Ken Paxton and the Curious Case of the Missing $1,000 Pen

Fun NYT story about Republican Ken Paxton. The opening anecdote is from 2nd and E Streets NE.

Outside a Ken Paxton fund-raiser in Washington, D.C., last month stood a mobile billboard truck highlighting the many legal and ethical scandals the Texas attorney general has faced over the years.

GOLDEN WATERING CAN AWARDS

The ‘Urnies’ are handed out at barbecue bacchanal banquet

Christine and Eric Hernandez took home the Golden Watering Can, the top prize in this year’s best-urn competition, commonly known as the Urnies, judges announced.

Christine and Eric’s Urn #1 entry was praised for a sophisticated, subtle mix of textures and patterns that set it apart in a field judges called fiercely competitive. Susan, Ingrid, and Elizabeth — including two USDA Master Gardeners — served as judges.

Four entries earned Honorable Mention Silver Flower Pots: Roger and Martha (Urn #3), John and Tawny, Dave and Alice Hrdy, and Jackie Krieger.

The runners-up brought their own flair. Tracey took the Silver Balloon for Best Hostess with the Mostest, while Linda Meixner claimed the Silver Geranium Award for her display of geraniums. Rindy O’Brien, meanwhile, was recognized for Urn #2’s distinction as the Best Cooper’s Hawk Hiding Place

Taking second place, James Grimaldi took the Silver Water Bottle for Most Dramatic Design, with judges calling the entry subtle yet sophisticated, marked by an intriguing mix of textures and patterns.

Brian Karr picked up the Silver Duck Award for Most Whimsical, with Urn #6’s coneflower rising dramatically out of a bed of smaller, unassuming plants — eye-catching, judges said, and genuinely amusing.

Phil Smith’s Urn #13 won the Silver Basket Award for Best Single Specimen, built around a simple design featuring a delicate mandevilla.

Peter Rothschild took home the Glass Water Gauge as Most Reliable Water Mule, and also shared in the Silver Centipede and Garden Box Award for Most Exuberant, alongside Mary Farran and Sarah Cochran, whose Urn #15 combined two-tone lantana and cockscomb in a pairing judges said “really works.”

Category honors were spread wide. Frank Wilkerson’s Urn #7 won Most Cheerful in the mini flower arrangement category, with judges singling out its unusual and beautifully maintained yellow petunias. Mehegan Easley and Renee took Best Use of Ground Covers for Urn #10’s rich, well-balanced palette, and Lucy Bierer’s Urn #9 earned Best Maintained Silver Flower Pot for its healthy plants and even color balance. Jody Wensink’s Urn #4 was named Most Lush, thanks to a towering central coleus that judges said made for a genuine statement piece.

Congratulations to all the green thumbs of Lincoln Park — and to everyone still nursing a competitive streak, there’s always next year’s urns to plan for.​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​

Ben Grace, Sunrise, June 2015- Sunset, August 2026

By Scherzer Barkstein

Ben, the lovable, loyal and lively Airedale who frequented Lincoln Park, died this month from complications following the diagnosis of a brain tumor. He was 10 years old.

True to his breed, Ben was devoted, vigilant, quirky and handsomely poised when freshly groomed — and roguishly mischievous when not.

Known for his big teddy bear eyes, Ben had a very distinct bark, according to his canine friends in Lincoln Park, said Percy Kohlmeyer. He also had a drinking problem: He would drink water for more than five minutes at a time and always get more on the floor.

Ben is survived by his companion, Mark Grace, and a girlfriend, Mila.

Ben was a character-driven creature of a divine spirit whose absence to his faithful human companion, Mark, gives the saddest understanding of the word bereft.

“Our pets’ only flaw is they do not last as long as we do,” Mark said. “Love them.”

Southeast Library near Eastern Market set to reopen Sept. 10

The Southeast Library, 403 Seventh St. SE, at Eastern Market across from the Metro, is scheduled to reopen on Sept. 10.

The historic building has undergone a renovation meant to preserve the building’s character while modernizing and expanding the usable space with more meeting rooms, collaboration areas and study space. dclibrary.org.

Details here https://www.dclibrary.org/news/southeast-library-modernization-project

‘No Parking’? No Kidding!

Another day, another no-parking sign. When will this parking hell end?

By Queenie Sahraa

On our quiet block just off Lincoln Park, residents have become almost accustomed to the indignity of the frequent posting of “Emergency No Parking” signs for extended periods of time, which have often turned out to be false notifications with no work done on our street or, at best, one day of work during a weeklong no-parking period.

What horse pucky.

In August 2025, No Parking signs were put up for an entire week; work was carried out on only one single morning of that week, but the signs remained.

This is not unusual.

In December of the same year, No Parking signs were posted for 18 days — including Christmas Day! — but no visible work was performed by the contractor during that entire period, despite the fact that the signs were never taken down.

Bah humbug!

So when parking was again prohibited this month, from August 3 to August 14, residents were justifiably skeptical, expecting this was another fake notification, like a Trump prediction that the war with Iran would be over “in a few days,” or a TACO tariff backdown.

But a fleet of heavy equipment did arrive and begin tearing up the street. Work continued on the block until Friday, August 7, the last day the contractor made an appearance. Unfortunately, the No Parking signs expiring August 14 remained posted on trees and street signs for more than a week after they left.

The parking prohibitions were posted by DC Water for their contractor, MPC, who had performed the lead pipe replacement on the block in early 2025 — 18 months ago.

Despite numerous complaints about the false alarms, phantom signs have continued to materialize, banning parking on the block for excessive periods of time, whether due to poor planning, unexpected delays or a lack of consideration for the trouble this causes residents of Capitol Hill, where on-street parking is at a premium, forcing people to search for space on other blocks, which are just as crowded as their own.

Is this a clandestine plot, a part of Councilmember-for-life Charles Allen’s war on cars?

We would like to say we appreciate the actual work MPC has done, but this has lasted seemingly longer than the councilmember-for-life’s tenure on the City Council. The streets remain torn up, and no one knows exactly why or what the hell is taking so long.

We’ve been complaining to the city and the councilmember-for-life (chair of the transportation committee) for ages.

It’s time that the contractor and DC Water get their act together and start paying attention to the costly, outrageous and unending inconvenience these unnecessary No Parking notices are causing.

We hate to take councilmembers away from their esoteric and elitist agendas, but they should know that this is not an isolated problem: blocks other than just ours have suffered the same time-consuming inconvenience.

We encourage citizens to take action and complain in no uncertain terms to DC Water and the City Council.

Perhaps then, the utility company will start paying attention to their customers rather than deferring to a disorganized contractor.

THE URN MAP

If you need someone to water for you while you are at the beach or on vacation, look here for your fellow gardeners.

The Fine Print

Copyright © *2026* *Friends of Capitol Hill Parks. All rights reserved.
PLANTS People Living Actively Near Their Site *
We are dog-friendly, plant-friendly, tree-friendly, eco-friendly, NPS-friendly and just generally friendly (most of the time.)
THE BEST NEWSLETTER SERVING LINCOLN PARK
*People Living Actively Near Their Site *

All subscribers to the Lincoln Park Newsletter, a parody and news publication, become automatic members of FRIENDS OF CAPITOL HILL PARKS, the largest volunteer charitable organization serving Lincoln Park, Washington, DC, Mary Farran, president, chairwoman, CEO and Lincoln Park mayor-for-life.

If you do not want to be a free member of FRIENDS OF CAPITOL HILL PARKS, you can resign and subscribe to the newsletter and be a non-member subscriber by signing up for a very expensive, exclusive, premium over-priced pay subscription. Dogecoin is no longer accepted since it is part of an illegal global scheme linked to the richest man in the world.

Through consultation with NPS, PLANTS volunteers will purchase and install plants, which will also include aromatics.

The Lincoln Park Newsletter is parody, opinion and news serving the area sort of around Lincoln Park.

H. BETTS, chief copy editor, is fed up with phantom No Parking demands.

Emancipation statue spruced up

ABE GETS A FACIAL — NO, A WAXING

National Park Service workers this week cleaned and added a special wax to preserve the Emancipation statue in Lincoln Park and tuck pointed the pedestal on which it sits.

The workers, from a special NPS facility in Frederick, Maryland, could be seen every morning this week. Asked what they were applying to the statue, one worker held up a small can and said park service staff use a special concoction of waxes developed by conservators at the Gettysburg National Military Park.

The workers serve in the Historic Preservation Training Center based in Frederick, which serves as headquarters for the program’s sixteen locations nationwide to support the preservation and maintenance of more than 400 historically significant parks across the country.

The organization has three main branches, according to the Frederick Economic Development Agency. One conducts hands-on trades projects involving skills including woodworking, millwork, masonry, metalwork, carpentry, and work on historic monuments. A technical branch plans, designs, and oversees construction projects. A third section teaches hands-on craft in tandem with preservation principles

.At Lincoln Park, the worker told Lincoln Park Newsletter that he was using a standard preservation formula that is in the public domain and widely used across national parks—including historic sites like Gettysburg National Military Park—rather than a commercial, proprietary brand, the park service says.

A description can be found on the park service archives online. The waxy mix consists of 40% beeswax, 40% microcrystalline, 20% polyethylene glycol, 1500 dissolved in Benzine to make a workable paste and add 5% BTA by volume to finished paste for final mix.

https://www.nps.gov/cahi/learn/historyculture/emancipation-statue.ht

BREAKING: NPS begins work on benches

MOTT’S MARKET MAKES IT OFFICIAL

B-LIST POLS, HACKS, FLACKS AND CAPITOL HILLBILLIES JOIN MOTT’S GRAND REOPENING

Councilmember-for-Life Charles Allen, rerun Councilmember-elect Elissa Silverman, WAMU newsmen Kojo Nnamdi and Tom Sherwood, among others, attended the Mott’s Market grand reopening on Tuesday.

Allen and others gave too-long, boring speeches as neighbors quaffed champagne and gobbled slices of a giant sub sandwich. Neighbors, children and dogs wandered about with balloons and painted faces; the dogs were not happy to have their faces painted.

Sherwood, of the Politics Hour Starring Tom Sherwood and father of the store’s manager, Peyton Sherwood, told WTOP reporter Jimmy Alexander that the long delay in reopening the market was due to the city’s sloth-like permitting process. Sherwood said that Allen helped ease the way for permits and city approvals needed to push through the reopening of the new market.

Allen is a frequent guest on the WAMU show where he is asked friendly, softball questions.

Sherwood, formerly a Channel 4 journalist and now a commentator, said that Allen’s reputation as “councilmember-for-life” is well-deserved because he serves his constituents well.

ATTENTION CITY PLANNERS: WEGMANS WINS

The District planning office is seeking public comments on master plan for the redevelopment around the new Washington Commanders’ indoor stadium. One looming need is a new grocery store after two nearby stores closed in recent years.

So the Lincoln Park Newsletter surveyed readers about what grocery store they would like to see on the RFK campus redevelopment. The consensus is becoming clear: Wegmans.

TRUMP’S SECRET VISIT TO LINCOLN PARK: ‘I KNOW LANDSCAPING’

In secret visit to Lincoln Park, Trump says ‘Everything I learned, I learned from Mar-a-Lago — and Four Seasons Landscaping’

By Haggy Maberman

In a stunning development that has absolutely nothing to do with reality, sources embedded deep within the Lincoln Park hedgerows tell this newsletter that President Donald J. Trump employed the exact same catering-truck escape switcheroo maneuver he used to slip off Air Force One in Turkey — only this time, insiders say, the destination wasn’t a decoy aircraft bound for a military base.

It was a decoy jet bound for our flower urns.

## The Operation

According to persons familiar with the matter, persons who wish to remain anonymous because they are volunteers with day jobs and do not want to be quoted defending concrete planters to The Associated Press, the president was spotted around 6 a.m. Saturday emerging — hydraulically, elegantly, and via the service door — from an unmarked catering truck idling on East Capitol Street.

He was wearing a red MAGA cap, over-the-calf dress socks, and what witnesses describe only as “gardening loafers.” He was carrying, in lieu of the nuclear football, a pair of Fiskars bypass pruners.

“We thought it was a very elaborate squirrel,” said one dog-walker, who declined to give her name but confirmed her dog’s name is Sea Biscuit. “Then it started deadheading the begonias with military precision and I thought, no, that’s — that’s the president.”

The White House has neither confirmed nor denied the operation, though Communications Director Steven Cheung reportedly told this newsletter, “The president has many enemies. Overgrown boxwoods are one of them. We use every tool at our disposal, including a trowel.”

## Mission Objectives

Per internal documents obtained by this newsletter, the operation had three stated goals, none of them related to national security:

1. Prune the decorative bushes and ornamental trees** ringing the park, which the president reportedly described as “the most tremendous topiary situation I’ve ever seen, and I’ve seen Mar-a-Lago’s hedges, believe me, nobody hedges like me.”

2. **Water the concrete flower urns** so lovingly maintained by park volunteers, a task the president is said to have approached with the seriousness of a Cabinet meeting, at one point allegedly telling a watering can, “You’re gonna do great things. Tremendous things.”

3. **Mow the grass**, a job he reportedly insisted on doing himself, because “I know lawns. Nobody knows grass like I do. I have a lot of golf courses.” The president was shirtless, in the manner of a certain equestrian shirtless world leader he has said he “totally respects, from a distance, on a horse.”

Witnesses say the mower had, taped to its side, a small handwritten sign reading “OLD MOWER — SENDING NEW MOWER TO ENGLAND FOR THE TROOPS TO LOOK AT.”

## Reporters Told to Lower Their Blinds

In a detail eerily reminiscent of the original catering-truck switch-up caper, several members of the Lincoln Park press pool — specifically, three retirees on a bench who read the Lincoln Park Newsletter religiously, because they are atheists and have no other religion — say they were “advised,” via a laminated index card left on their bench, to “please lower your sunglasses and pretend you did not see this.”

They did not comply. Nothing stops the Lincoln Park bench caucus, a secret branch of Free DC and the Weather Underground.

## Enter the Queen of the Park

No operation on these grounds, official or deeply, deeply unofficial, escapes the notice of Fairy Marran, the reigning and eternal Queen of Lincoln Park. The queen is said to have materialized beside the flower urns in full ceremonial garden gloves, wings and a lace dress.

According to legend — and by legend, we mean three people standing near the Emancipation statue— Her Majesty surveyed the president’s work, tapped her trowel-scepter twice upon a concrete urn, and issued the following royal decree: “You missed a spot. And also, sir, this is a 250-year-old National Park Service tree. You cannot simply decapitate it as if it insulted you on television.”

The president reportedly replied that he had “never been spoken to like that, not even by Iran,” saluted, and resumed pruning at a noticeably more conservative angle.

Sources say Fairy Marran then knighted him “Undersecretary of Horse Shit, Mulch and Bat Guano” on the spot, a title with no legal standing, no salary, and, like Kristi Noem, per the Queen’s decree, “absolutely no security detail required, because frankly, sir, you’re doing yard work in Lincoln Park.”

## A Statement From the National Park Service

By midmorning, the catering truck had vanished as mysteriously as it arrived, last seen turning left toward RFK Stadium with what witnesses swear was a faint smell of fresh-cut grass, McDonald’s Big Mac and Diet Coke.

The flower urns, for the record, have never looked better.

This newsletter reached out to the National Park Service, the Secret Service, and several very confused squirrels for comment. None responded. Fairy Marran, however, issued the following statement through a spokesperson (herself): “The park decrees that Trump never return to Lincoln Park. The hedges could not thank him less.”

Vote (below) for the grocery store you would like to see in the ‘Kingman Commons’ area of the planned RFK campus.

Neighbors are asking that city planners to include a new grocery store is needed because few grocery options remain on Capitol Hill and Kingman Park.

The Lincoln Park Newsletter conducted a poll to ask residents what grocery store they would like to come to the Kingman Park-RFK campus. What is your preference?

File your comment on the RFK Master Plan with the city planning office’s online feedback form or send an email to OP.RFKMasterPlan@dc.gov.

LETTER TO THE EDITOR

This newsletter sucks. The write-in story was dumb. And there was a typo. I am sick of this. Please unsubscribe me

— Mary Farran

THE URN MAP

If you need someone to water for you while you are at the beach or on vacation, look here for your fellow gardeners.

GOLDEN WATERING CAN AWARDS BANQUET AND BARBECUE

The Adopt-an-Urn (PLANTS aka People Living Actively Near Their Site) program volunteers are invited to the Fifth Annual Golden Watering Can Awards Banquet and Barbecue.

Anyone can join the PLANTS Adopt-an-Urn gathering Saturday at 5:30 p.m. Just ask one of the urn gardeners and you can join as a fan, supporter or guest.

There is a sign-up for sides and ice and such. Volunteers to help clean up are needed.

The Fine Print

Copyright © *2026* *Friends of Capitol Hill Parks. All rights reserved.
PLANTS People Living Actively Near Their Site *
We are dog-friendly, plant-friendly, tree-friendly, eco-friendly, NPS-friendly and just generally friendly (most of the time.)
THE BEST NEWSLETTER SERVING LINCOLN PARK
*People Living Actively Near Their Site *

All subscribers to the Lincoln Park Newsletter, a parody and news publication, become automatic members of FRIENDS OF CAPITOL HILL PARKS, the largest volunteer charitable organization serving Lincoln Park, Washington, DC, Mary Farran, president, chairwoman, CEO and Lincoln Park mayor-for-life.

If you do not want to be a free member of FRIENDS OF CAPITOL HILL PARKS, you can resign and subscribe to the newsletter and be a non-member subscriber by signing up for a very expensive, exclusive, premium over-priced pay subscription. Dogecoin is no longer accepted since it is part of an illegal global scheme linked to the richest man in the world.

Through consultation with NPS, PLANTS volunteers will purchase and install plants, which will also include aromatics.

The Lincoln Park Newsletter is parody, opinion and news serving the area sort of around Lincoln Park.

H. BETTS, chief copy editor, is popping popcorn to be ready for the Commanders game on Friday night

ROCKY THE TURTLE FOR WARD 6 COUNCILMEMBER? HE GOT A VOTE

The results are in from the June primary for Ward 6 Councilmember. Unsurprisingly, the winner of the Democratic primary was Councilmember-for-Life Charles Allen with 76% of the vote, well ahead of the closest challenger, former ANC Commissioner Gloria Nauden.

The Lincoln Park Newsletter saw that 71 votes were cast for write-ins, so we asked the DC Board of Elections for their names. They said we had to file a DC Freedom of Information Act request, so we did.

Among the predictable write-ins was “None of the Above,” and unpredictable, “Snow Plow Driver.” We were disappointed not to see “Ham Sandwich” among the write-ins.

There is a great democratic tradition of protest votes. In the United Kingdom, where running for Parliament requires a simple fee, a candidate named Count Binface, aka Lord Buckethead, is running against right-wing Reform UK incumbent Nigel Farage.

In the DC Ward 6 results, our favorite write-in was for Rocky the Turtle, the cute children’s picture book about “a gentle explorer who knows that the best adventures don’t have to be fast,” according to his Amazon summary.

“Wearing his favorite hat and trusty backpack, Rocky sets off on a slow and steady journey through mountains, caves, rivers, forests, and beyond,” the blurb says. “Rocky the Turtle Goes Exploring is a heartwarming picture book that teaches young readers that everyone moves at their own pace—and that’s something to celebrate.”

Rocky sounds like he would make a fine councilmember.

One voter wrote in, “Anybody but Allen,” but that was not to be for the councilmember-for-life, the second white liberal in a row from Alabama to hold the office. Ward 6 doesn’t seem to like DC natives.

“No more cops,” got a write-in as did “No Stadiums for Billionaires,” “No More Cops,” and “Reparations.” Just below “Reparations” in the spreadsheet provided to the Lincoln Park Newsletter is Washington’s NFL star Jayden Daniels — perhaps a good pastime for the Commanders quarterback, a job where he’s less likely to be injured.

Outgoing DC Delegate Eleanor Holmes Norton was written in as was Chander Jayaraman, who previously had run for a City Council at-large seat.

Two write-ins included two people who were already on the ballot — Michael Murphy, who was officially a candidate for the Ward 6 seat, and Lisa Raymond, who ran for the at-large council position but came in second place behind Oye Owolewa.

Allen is expected to easily win the general election, which is largely irrelevant in DC, an overwhelmingly Democratic city. Allen’s opponent will be Jorge Rice, who got 654 votes in the Republican primary.

POLL: NEW GROCERY STORE ON RFK CAMPUS

Vote (below) for the grocery store you would like to see in the ‘Kingman Commons’ area of the planned RFK campus.

Kingman Park residents gathered on Sunday to demand changes to plans for the RFK campus, especially better transit, more green space — and a full-service grocery store.

Neighbors demanded that city planners to prioritize daily community needs over football-stadium, tourist-focused amenities in the residential Kingman Park area of the 180-acre redevelopment plan dubbed “Kingman Commons.”

A new grocery store is needed because few grocery options remain on Capitol Hill and Kingman Park — which has become essentially a food desert after Safeway this year closed the decrepit store that neighbors had dubbed the UN-Safeway, and the Harris Teeter on Potomac Avenue SE at Jenkins Row closed four years ago.

Lincoln Park Newsletter is conducting a poll to ask residents what grocery store they would like to come to the Kingman Park-RFK campus. What is your preference?

The District planning office is seeking public comments on master plan for a few more days this week. File your comment on the planning office’s online feedback form or send an email to OP.RFKMasterPlan@dc.gov.

“The sort of broad promises in the master plan sound great from a bird’s-eye view, but then when you dig into the details, there’s not really much for the community 365 days a year,”

— Alexis Pazmiño, president of the Friends of Kingman Park Civic Association, according to WE News (whatever that is)

TUESDAY, AUGUST 11

Mott’s Market Grand Reopening

Restored by neighbors, local store reopens as a grocery, café, and community gathering place

THE URN MAP

If you need someone to water for you while you are at the beach or on vacation, look here for your fellow gardeners.

Do you need a wagon to cart your water to the park?

The National Park Service is offering to buy an urn gardener a wagon to bring water to Lincoln Park. Contact friendsofcapitolhillparks@gmail.com

GOLDEN WATERING CAN AWARDS BANQUET AND BARBECUE

Judging for the Golden Watering Can Awards is in concluded.

The Adopt-an-Urn (PLANTS aka People Living Actively Near Their Site) program volunteers are invited to the Fifth Annual Golden Watering Can Awards Banquet and Barbecue.

Anyone can joint the PLANTS Adopt-an-Urn gathering Saturday at 5:30 p.m. Just ask one of the urn gardeners and you can join as a fan, supporter or guest.

There is a sign-up for sides and ice and such. Volunteers to help clean up are needed.

The Fine Print

Copyright © *2026* *Friends of Capitol Hill Parks. All rights reserved.
PLANTS People Living Actively Near Their Site *
We are dog-friendly, plant-friendly, tree-friendly, eco-friendly, NPS-friendly and just generally friendly (most of the time.)
THE BEST NEWSLETTER SERVING LINCOLN PARK
*People Living Actively Near Their Site *

All subscribers to the Lincoln Park Newsletter, a parody and news publication, become automatic members of FRIENDS OF CAPITOL HILL PARKS, the largest volunteer charitable organization serving Lincoln Park, Washington, DC, Mary Farran, president, chairwoman, CEO and Lincoln Park mayor-for-life.

If you do not want to be a free member of FRIENDS OF CAPITOL HILL PARKS, you can resign and subscribe to the newsletter and be a non-member subscriber by signing up for a very expensive, exclusive, premium over-priced pay subscription. Dogecoin is no longer accepted since it is part of an illegal global scheme linked to the richest man in the world.

Through consultation with NPS, PLANTS volunteers will purchase and install plants, which will also include aromatics.

The Lincoln Park Newsletter is parody, opinion and news serving the area sort of around Lincoln Park.

H. BETTS, chief copy editor, is waiting for NFL preseason to begin.

EMANCIPATION REVELATION: A GILDED FUTURE FOR OUR MOST FAMOUS NEIGHBOR

Lincoln Park Newsletter — Satire Corner

Sources close to several National Park Service dustmen who empty trash in Lincoln Park have confirmed what longtime parkgoers have feared: the 12-foot bronze Emancipation Abraham Lincoln who has presided Messiah-like over an enslaved man at 11th and East Capitol since 1868 may soon be getting a MAGA makeover. The theme, as with seemingly everything else in Washington these days, is gold. A lot of gold.

According to neighborhood chatter overheard at the farmers market at Eastern Market, the plan calls for a full 24-karat gold leaf application to the statue, benches, the trash cans, and — in a move that has dog walkers particularly alarmed — the non-functioning concrete water fountain at the park’s edge, which will apparently now dispense “the finest, most luxurious water anybody has ever tasted in the history of the world, believe me.”

“We’re going to make the statue great again,” said President Donald J. Trump, who often talks about Lincoln, compares his own work to Lincoln's, questions Lincoln's handling of the Civil War, and said that not even Lincoln could beat him in an election.

“Lincoln was probably a great president, although I am not so sure. I’ve always said why wasn’t that war of northern aggression settled?” said Trump, who has repeatedly claimed that had he been president, the Civil War would never have happened. “You know, I’m a guy that prevents wars with deals. I make deals. I make great deals. Lincoln blew it. We had a Civil War. Didn’t have to happen.”

Trump said he could have made a beautiful deal with the South — just like he plans to do to reopen the Strait of Hormuz that was always previously open before he started a war with Iran and depleted all of America’s missile-defense capabilities. “This emancipation thing — that was his best bargaining chip and Lincoln just gave it away,” Trump said. “He got played for a chump. He didn’t get a penny for that proclamation. He could have been really rich.

The contractor rumored to be behind the project is Atlantic Industrial Capital Coatings Partners, the same outfit secretly co-owned by Eric Trump that handled the shimmering restoration of the Lincoln Memorial’s reflecting pool — presumably hired this time on the theory that if you can make a pool reflect a memorial, you can make a park reflect the sun directly into the eyes of training National Guard troops trotting with full backpacks to the Stadium-Armory Metro.

“Atlantic is great at coating the bottom of pools so the president knew they would do a great job on coating the statue gold,” said spokeswoman Caroline Levitation.

Like the Civil War itself, neighbors are, predictably, torn. “I liked the statue better when it looked like bronze and I liked the marks on the shoulder where the pigeons pooped,” said one resident, who declined to be named because she isn’t real and neither is this quote. “Now it looks like Lincoln is late for a meeting at a Trump property.”

The PLANTS urn gardeners have reportedly begun lobbying to have the concrete urns gilded next, “for consistency.”

At press time, the statue itself had no comment, though witnesses say it appeared to be squinting, or perhaps shedding a tear.

This piece is sardonic humor. No, Lincoln Park is not actually being covered in gold. Yes, the Lincoln Park urns are still concrete.

DC GRAND PRIX BOONDOGGLE THREATENS HISTORIC DOCUMENTS, PRECIOUS ART

President Donald Trump’s Freedom 250 Grand Prix threatens damage to what may be the densest concentration of historic, scientific, and fine arts treasures anywhere in the United States, the New Republic reported.

The race risks harming everything from the 76-by-30-foot Calder mobile dangling from the ceiling of the East Wing of the National Gallery of Art to the Declaration of Independence, the Constitution, and the Bill of Rights at the National Archives to the Wright brothers’ plane and Charles Lindbergh’s Spirit of St. Louis hanging in the National Air and Space Museum.

As a result, the National Gallery of Art. has taken steps to protect artwork from "extensive vibrations" ahead of Grand Prix, UK’s The Independent reported.

$1.5 MILLION KINGSMAN DOG PARK RENOVATION IS A WORK IN PROGRESS

The Lincoln Park Newsletter sicced its consumer watchdog reporters, Tommy Woodward and Scherzer Barkstein, on the renovated dog park.

Review by Tommy Woodward and Scherzer Barkstein

The new $1.5 million Kingsman Dog Park opened this week and it looks a lot like, well, the old Kingsman Dog Park, with some new Long fences.

In fact, the pawprint of the space for dogs is actually smaller, with long stretches for a rain garden, which is pretty, but takes away space for us dogs to run around.

We are happy to see the puddles have been eliminated, and there are new fences and improved pipes for the water.

We tried out the new water system, and it seems fine. The water was a bit warm, but suitable for quenching a dog’s thirst. A dog can get thirsty in the hot sun.

Speaking of sun, there are some nice new trees. They are convenient places to pee, and mark our visit. However, we wish there were more, but it is better than nothing. One metal awning was placed over an existing bench dedicated to someone’s dead dog nicknamed Bear.

The park’s new surface is wood chips, which is fun to run on and chips go flying when you make speedy turns while chasing and playing with your fellow canines. It has a little bit of a bounce. Even a three-legged dog on Wednesday was able to get around. But it would be nearly impossible for our human companions in wheelchairs.

Also, the wood-chip surface is likely to get filthy pretty quickly. Which we don’t mind; after all, we are dogs and we lick our butts and smell other dogs’ butts. But our humans think it is icky, and if they think it is gross, then we won’t be able to come very often. Wood chip surfaces have been tried at other local dog parks with limited success. Humans make that face like they want to puke. We shall see.

The heavily used Swampoodle Dog Park in Northeast, for example, has an artificial surface that can get smelly and disgust our humans, but can be cleaned quickly with a built-in sprinkler cleaning system.

In a question-and-answer document, the city said, “The design-build team will reach out to vendors for information on a maintenance plan suggestion for the artificial turf. DGS/DPR relies on residents to provide routine cleaning and maintenance (Such as power washing) for the dog parks.”

There are new hoses and nozzles. However, you can’t power wash wood chips (which they call “engineered wood fiber”). Here are the pros and cons per a vendor: https://adventureturf.com/article/pros-cons-engineered-wood-fiber-ewf-playground-flooring/

We think most of the money went to building a new basketball court along with that noisy ping-pong-pong game they call pickleball. Surely the neighbors will be pissed off with the pick-pock-pock of that noisy court game.

And then there is the sweet little Little League diamond and backstop. Overlooked in the entire plan was repairing what was one of the best T-ball, coach-pitch, and machine pitch fields on Capitol Hill. The workers threw down some grass seed and straw, but the DCPR news updates say nothing about the ballfield. We appreciate that there is still vast stretches of green grass — great for rolling around on a dog’s back — despite the mean-spirited no-dogs rules.

TOW RISK ON 11TH STREET NE

All cars parked on 11th Street NE between Constitution and Lincoln Park are at risk of being towed on Friday. Thou shalt not park here lest ye be towed.

Mott’s Market Grand Reopening

Beloved 100-year-old corner store saved and restored by neighbors reopens as a grocery, café, and community gathering place

News release by Pherabe Kolb

WASHINGTON — Mott’s Market, the beloved Capitol Hill corner store that neighbors rallied to save and restore, will celebrate its grand reopening on Tuesday, August 11, 2026, at 5:00 p.m. at 233 12th St. SE, Washington, D.C. 20003, just south of Lincoln Park.

After more than four years of fundraising, renovations, and a lengthy permitting and approvals process, Mott’s Market is once again open for business. The grand reopening celebration will start in front of the Market and then move to the newly renovated back patio and will feature refreshments, entertainment for kids and adults, and a festive community gathering to mark the return of a neighborhood institution.

Ward 6 Councilmember-for-Life Charles Allen is expected to attend, along with several Advisory Neighborhood Commission members. Market operator Peyton Sherwood, also known for St. Vincent Wine in Park View, will also be on hand to welcome neighbors and celebrate the milestone.

For more than a century, Mott’s Market has been part of daily life on Capitol Hill — a place to pick up groceries, grab coffee, run into neighbors, and share everyday conversation. When the store closed in 2022, neighbors banded together to purchase the building, preserve the historic corner store, and restore it for a new generation.

The reopened Mott’s builds on that legacy with groceries, coffee, sandwiches, wine, café service, and a welcoming patio designed to serve as a true neighborhood gathering place. The community-led restoration reflects a shared commitment to keeping Mott’s locally rooted and accessible for generations to come.

“Mott’s is here because neighbors believed that a corner market could be more than a store — it could be a place where community is built,” said Michael Skinner, President of Mott’s Neighborhood Market LLC, the organization representing the 94 neighborhood-based investors who now own the building in which Mott’s Market is housed. “This reopening is a celebration of everyone who contributed time, resources, patience, and heart to bring Mott’s back.”

“We are thrilled to welcome neighbors back to Mott’s Market,” said Peyton Sherwood, market operator. “Our goal is to honor the history of this place and create a warm, joyful space for the community to come together.”

Check it out

Capitol Visitors Center Specialty Tour: Votes For Women

Friday, August 7 – Sunday, August 9, 2026 / Capitol Visitors Center, U.S. Capitol

Uncover the stories of the women, both notable and unheralded, who set the stage for equality, fought for suffrage and advocated for the rights of the generations that followed.

U.S. Capitol Visitor Center (202) 226-8000

EleFest at the National Zoo

Friday, August 7 | Rock Creek Park | Free or ticketed events (tickets going fast)

The Smithsonian National Zoological Park’s EleFest [ell-ah-fest, get it?] this weekend is in honor of World Elephant Day on Friday. The National Zoo’s newest celebrity is Linh Mai, an Asian elephant calf. This weekend there will be:

• An adults-only Elephant Happy Hour ($)

• Peaceful morning Yoga with Elephants session + free elephant towel ($)

• Live cultural performances

• Hands-on activity stations throughout the Zoo

• Special animal demonstrations and keeper talks

THE URN MAP

Judging for the Golden Watering Can Awards is in progress and nearly concluded. The Adopt-an-Urn (PLANTS aka People Living Actively Near Their Site) program volunteers are invited to the Fifth Annual Golden Watering Can Awards Banquet and Barbecue on the evening of Aug. 15. There is a sign-up for sides and paper plates and such. The leadership of Lincoln Park has secured Tracey’s backyard, a lovely, shaded and welcoming garden. For information, contact one of the gardeners.

If you need someone to water for you while you are at the beach or on vacation, look here for your fellow gardeners.

Do you need a wagon to cart your water to the park?

The National Park Service is offering to buy an urn gardener a wagon to bring water to Lincoln Park. Contact friendsofcapitolhillparks@gmail.com

The Fine Print

Copyright © *2026* *Friends of Capitol Hill Parks. All rights reserved.
PLANTS People Living Actively Near Their Site *
We are dog-friendly, plant-friendly, tree-friendly, eco-friendly, NPS-friendly and just generally friendly (most of the time.)
THE BEST NEWSLETTER SERVING LINCOLN PARK
*People Living Actively Near Their Site *

All subscribers to the Lincoln Park Newsletter, a parody and news publication, become automatic members of FRIENDS OF CAPITOL HILL PARKS, the largest volunteer charitable organization serving Lincoln Park, Washington, DC, Mary Farran, president, chairwoman, CEO and Lincoln Park mayor-for-life.

If you do not want to be a free member of FRIENDS OF CAPITOL HILL PARKS, you can resign and subscribe to the newsletter and be a non-member subscriber by signing up for a very expensive, exclusive, premium over-priced pay subscription. Dogecoin is no longer accepted since it is part of an illegal global scheme linked to the richest man in the world.

Through consultation with NPS, PLANTS volunteers will purchase and install plants, which will also include aromatics.

The Lincoln Park Newsletter is parody, opinion and news serving the area sort of around Lincoln Park.

H. BETTS, chief copy editor, said Queenie would like to visit the new dog park and check it out.

DEAD, DEAD, DEAD: UNION STATION EXPANSION PLAN GETS DEEP SIXED

The Trump administration officially scrapped the multi-billion-dollar Union Station expansion plan last week, calling it a “Biden-Buttigieg boondoggle.”

The U.S. Department of Transportation announced July 24 that it is killing the federally approved expansion plan and instead directed $24 million toward developing a public-private partnership for a project to replace the earlier plan that took years to produce.

Transportation Secretary Sean Duffy complained that the old plan was a “far-fetched expansion without addressing the critical needs of the historic station” and had increased in cost from $8.8 billion to $10 billion.

The Biden-era plan, approved just two years ago, was to rebuild the rail infrastructure with a new train hall and concourse, additional train tracks, wider platforms, an intercity bus terminal, and underground passenger facilities behind the historic Union Station hall. Construction had been expected to take 13 years, with the new station projected to open in 2040.

Everyone is saying that Trump’s latest public-private partnership at Union Station will be the greatest, like never before, and people are saying they’re certain that nobody has ever seen anything like it. Ever. So far, Trump’s no-bid, public-private partnerships have been a rip-roaring success across the District, from the demolition of the East Wing of the White House and construction of a gargantuan ballroom, to the flawless renovation of the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool to the shadowy Freedom 250’s wildly popular America’s State Fair on the National Mall.

What it is exactly will just have to wait. Duffy’s announcement provides no replacement design, capital cost, procurement schedule or construction timeline, and does not address the status of the Federal Railroad Administration’s March 2024 Record of Decision approving the previous expansion, as the Engineering News-Record noted.

Left for dead is a Federal Railroad Administration plan that took years of engineering and environmental reviews, congressional appropriations and community input (or lack thereof, according to Councilmember for Life Charles Allen in this op-ed — his main complaint being that there were too many parking spaces).

One problem with the announcement of a public-private partnership is that the previous plan approved in 2024 already was a public-private partnership that would have built a three million square-foot, mixed-use development that was to be constructed over the existing rail yard. Also left out in the cold is Akridge, which was supposed to be the developer of retail, hotel, office and residential space. The development, to be called Burnham Place, was meant to connect the neighborhoods on either side of the rail yard and tracks, including NoMa, Capitol Hill and the H Street district.

The Department of Transportation said that in place of the old plan, which was approved by previous Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg, the administration is investing “an additional $24 million into developing a public-private partnership that will be utilized in plans to expand capacity, enhance the passenger experience, and expedite the project’s timeline.”

This follows a May announcement of a $466 million investment in the station to quickly make repairs, expand the passenger concourse, add security, and “family-friendly infrastructure" (whatever that means).

CAPITOL HILL GROUP WINS TOP NATIONAL PARK SERVICE AWARD

Revive Stanton Park Named Volunteer Group of the Year

Revive Stanton Park, the Capitol Hill organization dedicated improving the Capitol Hill park, was named the Volunteer Group of the Year by the National Park Service on Aug. 2.

Serena Bellew, superintendent of the National Capital Parks - East of the National Park Service, presented the Group of the Year award at a ceremony at Piscataway Park in Maryland in the Accokeek Foundation learning center.

Revive Stanton Park is a community effort “to restore and enhance the park for future generations,” its website says. “Through neighborhood meetings, volunteer efforts, and collaboration with local organizations, we’ve identified key areas that need immediate attention to bring the park back to its full potential.”

The Revive group also planned and staged with the National Park Service a picnic in June to commemorate the history of Stanton Park (located between 4th and 6th streets and Massachusetts Avenue NE) and the Nathaniel Greene statue during the America 250 celebrations.

Accepting the award for the group was Angie Schmidt, president of the Capitol Hill Restoration Society, a supporter of Revive Stanton Park, which includes ANC commissioners Karen Wirt and Jay Adelstein. Other volunteers are Monica Plisch, Hali Voycik, Edward Hindin, Libby Quaid, Ellen Levinson, Andy Seymour, and Michael, Anne, and Clara Erps.

Revive’s renovation plan includes:

• New and safer playground equipment

• Restored equestrian statue of Major General Nathanael Greene

• Improved landscaping, lighting, and pest control

• Historic signage honoring Edwin M. Stanton and Nathanael Greene

Other awardees from Capitol Hill cited included Dave and Alice Hrdy, who attended the event and received an award for volunteering for as many as 99 hours of work.

Others named for their volunteer work included urn gardeners and members of PLANTS, Adopt-an-Urn and Friends of Capitol Hill Parks; they included:

• Peter Rothschilde and James Grimaldi for 250 hours or more work

• Mary McFaran (sic), Rindy O’Brien, Mareen Kerr, Roger Evans, Jeni Shoemaker for 100 or more hours of volunteer work

• Tracey LeTurner (host of the Fifth Annual Golden Watering Can Awards Banquet and Barbecue on Aug. 15), Don Sanding and Jackie Krieger for between 50 and 99 hours of volunteer time.

The awards luncheon, organized by Becky George, volunteer coordinator for NACE, included a lunch of carne asada, carnitas and vegan taco salads and ample slices of sheet cake. Tours of the park and National Colonial Farm were part of the activities for the day.

STANTON PARK COMMUNITY GARDEN ADOPTS A BLUE COLLAR CAT

A new barn cat named Connie has joined the neighborhood.

This working cat was adopted by the Hilton Community Garden, located on 6th Street NE between Constitution and Stanton Park, through Montgomery County Animal Services.

Please do not feed her. While very friendly, she is feral so approach her with caution.

Connie was adopted through the Montgomery County shelter’s Freelance Felines program. which places cats unsuitable for indoor living into farms, warehouses, garden centers, and similar settings — such as community gardens, exactly like the one near Stanton Park.

She comes fully vetted: spayed, microchipped, vaccinated, and ready to work. Her job is to deter rodents. She is reported to be an excellent mouser. The gardeners give her space, food, water, and shelter.

She was confined for her first 2–3 weeks to acclimate her to her new home. Cats released too soon into an unfamiliar space will bolt and may never find their way back, or may be struck by a car trying to return to their former home. The confinement period allowed her to bond with this location through scent, so she recognizes the garden as her new home.

She has been learning the neighborhood for the past couple of weeks. Cats navigate by scent and she knows where to go for breakfast and dinner.

• She is a working cat, not a pet. Please do not try to pick her up.

• Do not feed her — she has a designated feeding station.

• A quiet hello from a distance is always welcome.

The gardeners are glad to have her on the team. More about the Freelance Felines program: montgomerycountymd.gov/freelance-felines.

SPOTTED LANTERNFLY IS NO MATCH FOR CONNIE THE CAT

GOING BUGGY: DC is going to see more lanternflies than ever this year

Spotted lanternflies are about to swarm the DC area, Washingtonian magazine reports.

Spotted lanternflies are an invasive species notorious for their size, bright colors, and tendency to get in your way. According to Earl Eutsler, of the urban forestry division at the DC Department of Transportation, this year Washington will see more lanternflies than ever.

That’s why Connie deserves a pat on the back or an extra allotment of catnip. She’s ridding the neighborhood of unwanted species.

Floyd R. Turbo made an unscheduled visit to Foggy Bottom. By all reports, it was a beneficial trip. He has been discharged and is apparently alive and almost well.

CHECK IT OUT

Giant Panda Bao Li’s Fifth Birthday

The National Zoo on Tuesday, Aug. 4, plans to celebrate the fifth birthday of Bao Li, The giant panda is to get a “beary” special birthday treat — a custom fruit-based ice cake made by the National Zoo’s world-class animal chefs. If you cannot make it, you can tune in to the Panda Cam to catch the celebration live.

This milestone birthday is particularly special as Bao Li is one of the few giant pandas currently living in North America. His presence signifies hope for the future of giant pandas and celebrates the success of our collaborative conservation efforts.

Smithsonian’s National Zoo & Conservation Biology Institute, 3001 Connecticut Ave., NW Washington, DC 20008

Voices and Votes: Exploring Democracy Across America

Through Sept. 7
What American independence really means, and how that meaning has evolved over time from the American Revolution until now.
10 a.m. – 6 p.m. | Free https://www.si.edu/exhibitions/voices-and-votes-exploring-democracy-across-america:event-exhib-6890
Smithsonian Arts + Industries Building, 900 Jefferson Drive SW, Washington, DC 20560

THE URN MAP

The Adopt-an-Urn (PLANTS) program volunteers are invited to a barbecue on Aug. 15. There is a sign-up for sides and paper plates and such. The leadership of Lincoln Park has secured a superb venue for the party, a local garden, lovely, shaded and welcoming. For information, contact one of the gardeners.

If you need someone to water for you while you are at the beach or on vacation, look here for your fellow gardeners.

The Fine Print

Copyright © *2022* *Friends of Capitol Hill Parks, All rights reserved.
PLANTS People Living Actively Near Their Site *
We are dog-friendly, plant-friendly, tree-friendly, eco-friendly, NPS-friendly and just generally friendly (most of the time.)
THE BEST NEWSLETTER SERVING LINCOLN PARK
*People Living Actively Near Their Site *

All subscribers to the Lincoln Park Newsletter, a parody and news publication, become automatic members of FRIENDS OF CAPITOL HILL PARKS, the largest volunteer charitable organization serving Lincoln Park, Washington, DC, Mary Farran, president, chairwoman, CEO and Lincoln Park mayor-for-life.

If you do not want to be a free member of FRIENDS OF CAPITOL HILL PARKS, you can resign and subscribe to the newsletter and be a non-member subscriber by signing up for a very expensive, exclusive, premium over-priced pay subscription. Dogecoin is no longer accepted since it is part of an illegal global scheme linked to the richest man in the world.

Through consultation with NPS, PLANTS volunteers will purchase and install plants, which will also include aromatics.

The Lincoln Park Newsletter is parody, opinion and news serving the area sort of around Lincoln Park.

H. BETTS, chief copy editor, is doing her best to participate in the DoorDash boycott. But she has a question. What is DoorDash?

CASE DISMISSED: Jeanine Pirro drops charges against Olympian David Hearn, admits reflecting pool damage was ‘flawed installation’

The Justice Department just moved to dismiss the bogus charges against former Olympic canoeist David Hearn for allegedly vandalizing the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool.

US Attorney Jeanine Pirro in a motion today admitted what we all have known all along: The damage was, in fact, “the result of flawed installation by the contractor.”

Previously, Trump said that a box knife was used to damage the reflecting pool. In a news conference, Pirro said, “There was an effort, a violent effort, to rip up the sealant from the bottom of the pool."

To save face, Pirro attempts to throw the Department of Interior under the bus, saying in the motion that the department “provided less than fulsome information at the outset of this case.”

By Biggie Smalls

The most expensive seats in Nats Park are directly behind home plate at field level. With the great view, baseball fans get access to an all-you-can-eat buffet served from “premium chef’s tables” along with unlimited beverages.

Just order your tickets from what the Nationals call the Terra Club.

Who or what, you might ask, is Terra?

Terra is the short-hand name of a cryptocurrency firm that paid $38 million for five years to sponsor the exclusive club section behind home plate that has been sponsored in previous years by companies such as PNC, Lexus and Delta Airlines

.

Sadly, however, Terra is dead, wound down, kaput, bankrupt, out of business. The “blockchain protocol and payment platform used for algorithmic stablecoins” is now tragically deceased. But worry not, because the name is still alive, like a zombie, emblazoned on signs all over Nats Park.

And, you can see Terra’s name plastered all over the fancy-pants club situated behind home plate, where you can luxuriate in seats that cost between $250 and $480 a game.

What makes this club so special — unlike other MLB ballpark clubs — is that this one can bring memories of the zombie crypto firm whose founder is an admitted crook. Do Hyeong Kwon, age 34, is serving a 15-year sentence in Fort Dix low-security prison in New Jersey after pleading guilty to a panoply of felony fraud charges.

Yes, indeedy, you can enjoy freshly sliced roast beef, shrimp pasta, pizza, chicken wings and tenders and, of course, all the hot dogs you can consume (paging Joey Chestnut) along with an unending stream of refreshing brewskies, chilled house wine or delicious cocktails while sitting in a club named for a firm that engaged in a massive fraud that bilked billions from unsuspecting investors.

Terra founder Kwon pled guilty last December to wire fraud and conspiring to commit securities fraud, commodities fraud, and wire fraud in connection with a fraud centered around Terraform Labs PTE, Ltd., also known simply as Terra.

“Do Kwon devised elaborate schemes to mislead investors and inflate the value of Terraform’s cryptocurrencies for his own benefit,” said U.S. Attorney for the Southern District of New York, Jay Clayton, who today is now Trump’s director of national intelligence.

What fun!

“When his crimes caught up to him, Kwon embarked on a deceptive public relations campaign to cover up his fraud, laundered the proceeds of his illegal schemes, and sought to purchase political protection in foreign countries to evade criminal prosecution,” Clayton said.

Why Can’t the Nationals Just Cancel the Sponsorship Deal?

The Nats told the Washingtonian it was just fulfilling the terms of its contract.

The Lincoln Park Newsletter asked a bankruptcy attorney to explain why the Nationals don’t take down the name of this crooked company.

“This is the part that trips people up: going bankrupt does not automatically cancel a company’s contracts,” said Gerardo Mijares-Shafai, Esquire, head of the Washington office of the bankruptcy and restructuring firm, Goldstein & McClintock LLLP.

Here is counselor Mijares-Shafai’s explanation.

DOORDASH NEEDS YOUR HELP

Do this ASAP to help DoorDash avoid paying the 20-cent tax

By Buttercup Conrad

DoorDash is very upset that it will have to pay a tax of less than two bits per delivery in the District of Columbia. But we have a solution.

By Fairy Marran

Last month, the City Council-passed 20-cent tax on third-party food deliveries after DoorDash’s intense lobbying efforts to stop it failed. So the San Francisco company teamed up with Republicans in the House, along with several anti-tax and conservative groups, to endorse a bill that would hem in the city’s ability to raise taxes.

The controversial bill, written by Rep. James Comer, Republican of Kentucky, would mandate congressional approval for any new taxes and fees in the District.

DoorDash defended the Comer bill as a way to rein in what it called “a new, unlimited regressive tax on D.C.’s most underserved communities.”

The Lincoln Park Newsletter has an idea

DoorDash could avoid ever having to pay the 20-cent tax if no one in DC ever purchased a meal via DoorDash again.

So c’mon everyone. Let’s help the multibillion-dollar California company avoid the two-dime tax: Delete the DoorDash app and cancel your delivery. If you need a meal delivered, call Aatish on the Hill, the Indian restaurant on Pennsylvania Avenue SE that has delivered Tandoori chicken, Chicken Tikka Masala and samosas for more than 30 years.

Or use Uber Eats.

TRUMP’S AMERICA 250: ANOTHER BIG, FAT SCAM?

Commentary by Scherzer Barkstein

The Grifter in Chief seems to be grifting again.

When passing the so-called One Big Beautiful Bill Act, the Trump administration formally promised lawmakers that taxpayer funds would contribute $150 million for Trump’s America 250 celebration and fireworks show on the Mall and private donations would contribute the balance of the funding.

How did that work out?

It did not.

Unsurprisingly, the Trump administration is now asking for another $10 million in taxpayer funds to pay for a mysterious deficit that suddenly arose, according to Sen. Jeff Merkly.

“It is unacceptable to ask the American people to bail out Freedom 250,” the Oregon Democrat wrote in a letter to the Department of Interior. “If the administration designated Freedom 250 as the responsible entity for these events, Freedom 250—not taxpayers—should be paying the remaining costs.”

Where did the $150 million in taxpayer funds go? Much of that funding was redirected to Freedom 250, which has also solicited donors and received financial support from major corporations.

What is Freedom 250? It is a shadowy public-private organization and fundraising arm created by executive order of President Donald Trump to plan and execute events for America's 250th anniversary.

Grifters gotta grift.

TRUMP’S PERPETUAL MESS ON THE MALL

Trump’s torture of District residents continues next month with his Grand Prix 250 race downtown.

Closings ahead of and during the Aug. 22-23 road race can be seen in the map below, and here: https://wtop.com/dc/2026/07/dc-road-closures-parking-restrictions-in-effect-for-freedom-250-grand-prix/

THE URN MAP

The Adopt-an-Urn program volunteers are invited to a barbecue on Aug. 15. There is a sign-up for sides and paper plates and such. The leadership of Lincoln Park has secured a superb venue for the party, a local garden, lovely, shaded and welcoming. For information, contact one of the gardeners.

If you need someone to water for you while you are at the beach or on vacation, look here for your fellow gardeners.

The Fine Print

Copyright © *2022* *Friends of Capitol Hill Parks, All rights reserved.
PLANTS People Living Actively Near Their Site *
We are dog-friendly, plant-friendly, tree-friendly, eco-friendly, NPS-friendly and just generally friendly (most of the time.)
THE BEST NEWSLETTER SERVING LINCOLN PARK
*People Living Actively Near Their Site *

All subscribers to the Lincoln Park Newsletter, a parody and news publication, become automatic members of FRIENDS OF CAPITOL HILL PARKS, the largest volunteer charitable organization serving Lincoln Park, Washington, DC, Mary Farran, president, chairwoman, CEO and Lincoln Park mayor-for-life.

If you do not want to be a free member of FRIENDS OF CAPITOL HILL PARKS, you can resign and subscribe to the newsletter and be a non-member subscriber by signing up for a very expensive, exclusive, premium over-priced pay subscription. Dogecoin is no longer accepted since it is part of an illegal global scheme linked to the richest man in the world.

Through consultation with NPS, PLANTS volunteers will purchase and install plants, which will also include aromatics.

The Lincoln Park Newsletter is parody, opinion and news serving the area sort of around Lincoln Park.

H. BETTS, chief copy editor, is doing her best to participate in the DoorDash boycott. But she has a question. What is DoorDash?

By Buttercup Conrad

DoorDash is pushing back against critics who say the food-delivery firm is undermining home rule by endorsing a Republican bill that would require congressional approval for any change in tax law.

Yet at the same time, DoorDash, via a spokeswoman, is defending its campaign to kill the new, City Council-passed 20-cent tax on third-party food deliveries.

“Our commitment to the belief that the District and its residents should self-govern has not wavered,” Samantha Ramirez told a Politico newsletter.

However!

“What we do not support is a new, unlimited regressive tax on D.C.’s most underserved communities for virtually everything they need delivered, from SNAP grocery orders to diapers and medicine to everyday meals,” Ramirez told Politico. “We continue to urge D.C. Council and city leaders to reconsider this harmful delivery tax in support of small businesses, residents, and workers who cannot afford to pay more.”

Criticism is mounting. MS NOW columnist Ryan Teague Beckwith said DoorDash is “playing with fire” by “going nuclear.”

“I’ve never used DoorDash, but this decision made me wish I’d signed up just so I could dramatically cancel my account,” Teague Beckwith wrote.

The controversial bill was written by Rep. James Comer, Republican of Kentucky, chairman of the committee with oversight of the District of Columbia. The bill would mandate congressional approval for any new taxes and fees in the District.

While Congress can block any laws passed by the City Council before they become law, explicit congressional approval isn’t required for all bills. Comer’s bill would require explicit approval for tax hikes.

“We believe this is a reasonable check against the hastily enacted local taxes and fees that fall hardest on small businesses and the residents who depend on them,” DoorDash’s head North America lobbyist John Horton wrote in a letter to Comer released last week.

In response, Free DC launched a campaign urging District residents to delete the DoorDash app from their phones and boycott the food-delivery over the end run around the council to Congress over the two-dime tax.

Councilmember Zachary Parker joined the Free DC boycott of DoorDash and criticized the San Francisco firm on WUSA9 for “actively lobbying against District home rule.” Councilmember Robert White, the Democratic nominee expected to replace Eleanor Holmes Norton as delegate to the House, accused the company of “overturning D.C. laws.”

“Any D.C. resident that wants to be respected should not be using DoorDash, a company that is doubling down on going against home rule when it doesn’t like the outcome,” White said.

Before the City Council vote, DoorDash, which is worth about $85 billion, rallied alleged drivers to deliver petitions to the Wilson Building and rented one of those goofy mobile billboards that drive around downtown, wasting gas and causing pollution.

Comer has justified his legislation by citing the Business Activity Tax proposed by the expected next mayor, Janesse Lewis George. That tax would hit any business operating in Washington and owned by or partnered with carpet-bagging out-of-state businesses.

“This bill is a blatant attack on DC’s power in order to support Trump’s grotesque desire to take over the capital, and it’s repulsive that DoorDash is willing to support it just to make more money,” Free DC said.

BREAKING: NATIONAL GUARD ACCUSED OF VIOLENT SCUFFLE WITH RETIRED COMBAT VETERAN

A U.S. Army veteran and Purple Heart recipient filed a $3 million claim on Wednesday against the Idaho National Guard and the Pentagon, alleging that three troops detained her in a violent confrontation in May.

Watch a video of the encounter here:

Retired Army Capt. Anna King alleges the Guard members did not have a warrant when they pinned her to the ground, kneeled on her back, and handcuffed her tightly, refusing to loosen the handcuffs, the complaint alleges.

The guardsmen say they detained her because she had thrown an unidentified liquid on troops — two days earlier, City Cast reported.

The American Civil Liberties Union is representing King, a combat veteran. who lives in Truxton Circle. Her complaint was filed under the Federal Tort Claims Act.

Story here

HOW TO CREATE YOUR OWN MOSQUITO-CONTROL BUCKET

PREPARE A DARK BLUE OR BLACK BUCKET.

ADD A QUARTER OF A MOSQUITO DUNK TO THE BUCKET AND FILL THE BUCKET HALFWAY WITH WATER

ADD TWO TABLETS OF BREWER’S YEAST.

CLIP A PIECE OF FABRIC OR HARDBOARD TO THE BUCKET, ENSURING IT REACHES FROM TOP TO BOTTOM.

PLACE IT AS FAR AWAY FROM YOUR DOOR AS POSSIBLE

Drill holes 1⁄3 of the way from the top of the bucket to prevent overflow when it rains. To increase effectiveness, remove any standing water from your yard and avoid using white or light-colored buckets. Dark colored buckets are 8 times better at attracting mosquitos.

You only need 1⁄4 of a mosquito dunk when you clean and refill the bucket each month.

Visit dcnatives.org for information on native pollinator gardens. Every month, empty the bucket and fill it with fresh water, add 2 new brewer’s yeast tablets, add 1/4 mosquito dunk, include a hardboard or piece of fabric, and place back in shaded and covered area away from the door.

TRUMP’S TRAFFIC NIGHTMARE AND MESS ON THE MALL

Trump’s torture of District residents continues next month with his Grand Prix 250 race downtown.

Closings ahead of and during the Aug. 22-23 road race can be seen in the map below, and here: https://wtop.com/dc/2026/07/dc-road-closures-parking-restrictions-in-effect-for-freedom-250-grand-prix/

Plus, in a news conference today in the Oval Office, Trump said he still plans to replace all of the grass in DC parks. What do you want to bet that does not include Lincoln Park, which has suffered for years from a busted irrigation system.

Walking, biking, scooting and driving survey

By Roberta Shapiro

Commissioner ANC6A03. Treasurer ANC6A

As an ANC Commissioner I have heard from many of you about safety issues related to walking, biking, scooting and driving on our sidewalks and streets. In order to get a more objective perspective on these issues, I am asking you to please take a few minutes to fill out this short survey.

Here’s the survey link: https://forms.gle/HGd62oJbh71L1evJA

Thank you in advance for your help.

Robertafor6A03@gmail.com

THE URN MAP

The Adopt-an-Urn program volunteers are invited to a barbecue on Aug. 15. There is a sign-up for sides and paper plates and such. The leadership of Lincoln Park has secured a superb venue for the party, a local garden, lovely, shaded and welcoming. For information, contact one of the gardeners.

If you need someone to water for you while you are at the beach or on vacation, look here for your fellow gardeners.

AUG. 10 DEADLINE FOR ARTISTS

ART WALK ‘26

The Capitol Hill Art Walk 2026, sponsored by the Capitol Hill Art League, the Hill Rag and Hill Center at the Old Naval Hospital, will be held the weekend of Sept. 12–13. The event is free for artists and visitors alike.

The registration deadline for artists is August 10, 2026

The Fine Print

Copyright © *2022* *Friends of Capitol Hill Parks, All rights reserved.
PLANTS People Living Actively Near Their Site *
We are dog-friendly, plant-friendly, tree-friendly, eco-friendly, NPS-friendly and just generally friendly (most of the time.)
THE BEST NEWSLETTER SERVING LINCOLN PARK
*People Living Actively Near Their Site *

All subscribers to the Lincoln Park Newsletter, a parody and news publication, become automatic members of FRIENDS OF CAPITOL HILL PARKS, the largest volunteer charitable organization serving Lincoln Park, Washington, DC, Mary Farran, president, chairwoman, CEO and Lincoln Park mayor-for-life.

If you do not want to be a free member of FRIENDS OF CAPITOL HILL PARKS, you can resign and subscribe to the newsletter and be a non-member subscriber by signing up for a very expensive, exclusive, premium over-priced pay subscription. Dogecoin is no longer accepted since it is part of an illegal global scheme linked to the richest man in the world.

Through consultation with NPS, PLANTS volunteers will purchase and install plants, which will also include aromatics.

The Lincoln Park Newsletter is parody, opinion and news serving the area sort of around Lincoln Park.

H. BETTS, chief copy editor, has not deleted her DoorDash app — because she never had one in the first place.

THE MENACE OF LINCOLN PARK

By Tommy Woodward and Scherzer Barkstein

The Lincoln Park Newsletter’s Watchdog Team is in hot pursuit of a menacing gray pit bull that has attacked and bitten two dogs, Queenie and Pepper. The dog, pictured with this newsletter, has roamed around Lincoln Park while his owner chats with Park Police officers.

A DC animal control officer is investigating and has closely followed the progress of Queenie’s recovery. She was reported to be patrolling the park yesterday.

The officer still hasn’t seen the dog’s owner and said she is seeking a license plate number of the dog’s owner so she can find him. The agent asks that if you see a man with his gray pit bull, please try to get his license plate number and contact Animal Care and Control at (202) 888-PETS (7387).

The officer asked that the owner of Pepper notify animal control about the attack from the gray pit bull.

FREE DC ISSUES BOYCOTT ALERT; DOOR DASH UNDERMINES HOME RULE

By Scherzer Barkstein

Free DC is urging District residents to delete the DoorDash app from their phones and boycott the food-delivery service after the company did an end run around the City Council to Congress to kill a 20-cent tax

In a move that took the City Council flat-footed, DoorDash backed a bill by Rep. James Comer, Republican from Kentucky, requiring a vote by Congress before District of Columbia tax increases or other changes to the city's tax code could become law.

The San Francisco-based company’s support for the DC Taxing Authority Review Act was revealed on Wednesday by Comer, when he asked to have a letter from DoorDash entered into the record.

That’s when the heads of the supporters of Home Rule exploded.

“This bill is a blatant attack on DC’s power in order to support Trump’s grotesque desire to take over the capital, and it’s repulsive that DoorDash is willing to support it just to make more money,” Free DC said.

DoorDash’s support of the bill comes after its fierce opposition to a measly 20-cent fee on food delivery services passed by the D.C. Council. DoorDash opposes the fee, saying the tax is regressive, hurts poor people the most and harms small restaurant and cafe owners. (It cannot help its bottom line, either.)

Comer’s bill was voted out of the House Oversight Committee, which has jurisdiction over the District government. The legislation now heads to the House floor.

THE URN MAP

Spruce up your urns. The Adopt-an-Urn program volunteers are invited to a barbecue on Aug. 15. There is a sign-up for sides and paper plates and such. The leadership of Lincoln Park has secured a superb venue for the party, a local garden, lovely, shaded and welcoming. For information, contact one of the gardeners.

If you need someone to water for you while you are at the beach or on vacation, look here for your fellow gardners.

AUG. 10 DEADLINE FOR ARTISTS TO JOIN ART WALK ‘26

The Capitol Hill Art Walk 2026, sponsored by the Capitol Hill Art League, the Hill Rag and Hill Center at the Old Naval Hospital, will be held the weekend of Sept. 12–13. The event is free for artists and visitors alike.

The registration deadline for artists is August 10, 2026

King Bullfrog Hoppy Hour 2026

Friday, August 28 | 5:00 pm - 7:00 pm | $14 | Get tickets

Bring the family out to enjoy a Friday evening filled with live music perfect for all ages!

BREAKING: Trump Orders Warning Signs at Lincoln Park, Citing ‘Radical Activist Ideology’ and Unauthorized Squirrel Behavior

By Tommy Woodward and Scherzer Barkstein

President Trump on Friday ordered the National Park Service to install warning signs at all entrances to Lincoln Park, alerting visitors that the 12-acre patch of green space on Capitol Hill has, in the administration’s words, “become a hotbed of radical activist ideology, unauthorized dog socialization, and at least one aggressively opinionated community garden.”

Officials stressed that the order was arrived at only after careful, sober deliberation, and also after someone on the task force saw a man doing tai chi near the Mary McLeod Bethune statue and “did not like the look of it one bit.”

And now for something completely different: a 340-page federal report about a park bench.

The directive, issued via an executive order titled “Restoring Trust in Lincoln Park,” represents a considerable escalation in the White House’s ongoing dispute with East Capitol Street green spaces, following a 340-page report compiled by an interagency task force officially named the Bureau of Ideologically Suspicious Shrubbery.

Expunging DEI from Lincoln Park

The Bureau’s chairman, Fenceton Meddlemore, a man whose title is officially “Under-Secretary for Eliminating DEI Woke Bias,” told reporters the investigation was rigorous, thorough, and conducted entirely without anyone getting out of a black van filled with National Guard troops. “We did drive past the park very slowly on four separate occasions,” he said. “One time we even rolled the window down.”

The report singles out Fairy Marran, the self-appointed and universally unelected “Queen of Lincoln Park,” accusing her of running the park’s Substack newsletter as a “propaganda organ dedicated to birdbaths, colorful flowers in concrete urns, community potlucks, Independence Day parades and the relentless promotion of joy.” Investigators say Marran’s editorial calendar shows a “disturbing pattern” of publishing seasonal recipes without disclosing whether the recipes are, in fact, Making America Great Again.

“She has weaponized baked goods and cookies,” the report states, without elaboration.

The order also names retired Senator Conrad Kent, whom the administration describes as having a “long and distinguished record of irresponsible budget accountability and radical activity” stretching back to his years at the University of Missouri in the 1960s, where he is alleged to have once attended a teach-in, worn a turtleneck “provocatively,” and checked out library books “widely considered to be college-level Marxism.”

The report further alleges that Kent, now 84, “remains a flight risk to further education” and recommends he be placed under the supervision of a duly appointed Junior Undersecretary, to be selected at random from a hat.

Kent, reached for comment, said he does not recall the University of Missouri having a teach-in, a turtleneck, or, in fact, a Conrad Kent. He then, unprompted, recited the preamble to the Constitution in its entirety, which the White House called “exactly the kind of radicalism we’re talking about.”

Seeking a hysterically accurate park

Under the order, new signage at the park’s four entrances will read: “WARNING: This park may contain unsupervised leisure, unsanctioned friendliness among neighbors, and children playing games with anarchic rules they made up themselves. Visitors seeking a more historically accurate park experience are directed to a parking lot in Northern Virginia. Bring exact change. Bring your own history.”

The order does not specify which parking lot. When pressed, a Department of the Interior official gestured vaguely westward and said, “That way, probably,” before excusing himself to “consult a map, or possibly a Magic 8-Ball, we haven’t decided which is more official.”

People are just sitting there

White House spokeswoman Caroline Levitation said the signage is necessary because Lincoln Park, unlike other Washington parks, fountains and monuments, “allows people to simply sit there,” which the administration called “a woke ideology in itself.” Asked whether the administration had visited the park before drafting the order, Levitation said officials had “flown over it, at altitude, briefly,” adding that one staffer had pressed his face to the plane window and reported seeing “a man throwing a frisbee in what can only be described as a Communist manner.”

Asked to clarify “a Communist manner,” Levitation said the briefing was over and abruptly left.

The Lincoln Park decision followed Trump’s Friday order that the the Department o0f Interior to display signs in front of the Smithsonian National Museum of American History that accuse the institution of inaccuracy, escalating the attacks on the institution. Trump has accused the institution of focusing too much on injustices in American history, instead of more triumphant moments, such as the signing of the Declaration of Independence.

The Treat Lady declines to renounce her throne

Marran, addressing the order in an emergency newsletter dispatch, said she was flattered to be described as radical for “watering posies, peonies, double begonias and weeds” and would not be stepping down from her unofficial, entirely self-annointed throne.

“If loving this park and occasionally overwatering the rosemary is radical,” she wrote, “then let the record show I am extremely guilty and also would like everyone to come to the Aug. 15 potluck.”

The National Park Service declined to comment, though a groundskeeper reportedly asked whether the new signs could also mention that people really need to pick up after their dogs, which he said was “the actual crisis” at Lincoln Park.

As of press time, the executive order had not addressed the park’s urgent, troublesome and problematic squirrels, though sources close to the administration told Scherzer Barkstein that they are “being looked at,” and one squirrel, reached for comment, had nothing to add but seemed, frankly, radicalized.

This newsletter would like to state that it has never engaged in radical activist ideology, unless you count the time it strongly implied the Aug. 15 potluck in Tracey’s back yard was poorly planned and that its three-bean salad needed more seasoning.

The Fine Print

Copyright © *2022* *Friends of Capitol Hill Parks, All rights reserved.
PLANTS People Living Actively Near Their Site *
We are dog-friendly, plant-friendly, tree-friendly, eco-friendly, NPS-friendly and just generally friendly (most of the time.)
THE BEST NEWSLETTER SERVING LINCOLN PARK
*People Living Actively Near Their Site *

All subscribers to the Lincoln Park Newsletter, a parody and news publication, become automatic members of FRIENDS OF CAPITOL HILL PARKS, the largest volunteer charitable organization serving Lincoln Park, Washington, DC, Mary Farran, president, chairwoman, CEO and Lincoln Park mayor-for-life.

If you do not want to be a free member of FRIENDS OF CAPITOL HILL PARKS, you can resign and subscribe to the newsletter and be a non-member subscriber by signing up for a very expensive, exclusive, premium over-priced pay subscription. Dogecoin is no longer accepted since it is part of an illegal global scheme linked to the richest man in the world.

Through consultation with NPS, PLANTS volunteers will purchase and install plants, which will also include aromatics.

The Lincoln Park Newsletter is parody, opinion and news serving the area sort of around Lincoln Park.

H. BETTS, chief copy editor, wants to know why this edition took so long to complete.

By Tommy Woodward and Scherzer Barkstein

The Lincoln Park Newsletter has conducted an extensive investigation and has discovered the time and date of the annual birthday celebration of Mary McLeod Bethune in Lincoln Park. It will be on Friday, July 10, from 10 a.m. to 1 p.m.

Each year, the National Park Service honors Mary McLeod Bethune with events on or around her birthday to highlight her life and legacy. This year, the Park Service made it almost impossible to figure out when the event was occurring. No signs have been posted.

And good luck finding it on the NPS website. There is nothing on the events page or news page. Oh, but wait, it is on this events page. But, oops, it fails to link to the Lincoln Park website; instead, it links to the Mary McLeod Bethune Council House website, which is a page about a completely different site, the historic home near Logan Circle in Northwest Washington. Checking the NPS Lincoln Park website and you’ll find nothing about the event in Lincoln Park.

So the Lincoln Park Newsletter sicced its crack watchdog investigative team of Woodward and Barkstein to get the details. Here’s what they learned:

Activities will include games and a scavenger hunt for children from 10 a.m. to 1 p.m. and feature music by the Uncle Devin Band. Remarks and a wreath laying ceremony is scheduled for 1 p.m.

To be fair, NPS has been distracted with the disastrous Great American State Fair on the Mall, which has absorbed all the attention and energy of the staff.

THE NATIONAL PARK SERVICE RESPONDS

ASKED FOR COMMENT, THE COMMUNICATIONS DIVISION OF NPS SENT THE LINCOLN PARK NEWSLETTER A REPLY:

“On July 10 and 11, National Capital Parks – East will host the annual Bethune Birthday Celebration.

“On July 10, the celebration opens at Lincoln Park, with youth activities and a wreath-laying ceremony at the Mary McLeod Bethune Memorial, co-organized with the National Council of Negro Women.

“On July 11, the event continues at the historic Miracle Theater with a screening of 6888 and an expert panel discussion on the historic all-Black female military unit.

“You can learn more at: Mary McLeod Bethune’s 151st Birthday Celebration & Celebrating America & the 6888th”

THE URN MAP

Spruce up your urns. With the annual Bethune anniversary coming, the National Park Service might just rip out your flowers and replace them with vinca or petunias or marigolds.

The Adopt-an-Urn program volunteers are invited to a barbecue, date TBD. There will be barbecue, a sign-up for sides and paper plates and such, coming soon. The leadership of Lincoln Park has secured a superb venue for the party, a local garden, lovely, shaded and welcoming. News to be released soon.

The Capitol Hill Art Walk 2026, sponsored by the Capitol Hill Art League, the Hill Rag and Hill Center at the Old Naval Hospital, will be held the weekend of Sept. 12–13. The event is free for artists and visitors alike.

The registration deadline for artists is August 10, 2026

The Fine Print

Copyright © *2022* *Friends of Capitol Hill Parks, All rights reserved.
PLANTS People Living Actively Near Their Site *
We are dog-friendly, plant-friendly, tree-friendly, eco-friendly, NPS-friendly and just generally friendly (most of the time.)
THE BEST NEWSLETTER SERVING LINCOLN PARK
*People Living Actively Near Their Site *

All subscribers to the Lincoln Park Newsletter, a parody and news publication, become automatic members of FRIENDS OF CAPITOL HILL PARKS, the largest volunteer charitable organization serving Lincoln Park, Washington, DC, Mary Farran, president, chairwoman, CEO and Lincoln Park mayor-for-life.

If you do not want to be a free member of FRIENDS OF CAPITOL HILL PARKS, you can resign and subscribe to the newsletter and be a non-member subscriber by signing up for a very expensive, exclusive, premium over-priced pay subscription. Dogecoin is no longer accepted since it is part of an illegal global scheme linked to the richest man in the world.

Through consultation with NPS, PLANTS volunteers will purchase and install plants, which will also include aromatics.

The Lincoln Park Newsletter is parody, opinion and news serving the area sort of around Lincoln Park.

H. BETTS, chief copy editor, is exasperated every time Tommy and Scherzer add last-minute articles and don’t ask her to copy edit them.

THE BARRACKS ROW INDEPENDENCE DAY PARADE FEATURED VISITING MARCHING BANDS

By Tommy Woodward

The 24th annual Barracks Row July 4th parade featured many of the usual entries on Saturday despite the blistering heat.

The temperature was about 90 degrees as the parade began after 10 a.m.

Elsewhere on Capitol Hill, hundreds of uniformed, masked White men believed to be part of a White Nationalist organization were seen marching with flags. The group is called the Patriot Front.

Their faces covered in white masks, the men also carried flags — some upside down American, others Confederate — as they chanted, “Reclaim America!”

WTOP reporter Mitchell Miller, a resident of the Lincoln Park neighborhood, posted a video of the group marching by Union Station.

The march made national news.

While seen marching near Eastern Market Metro, the thugs were not a part of the Barracks Row parade.

Two surprise, last-minute entries joined the Barracks Row Parade after the parade they had traveled to participate in — the National Independence Day Parade — was canceled because of extreme heat.

The Bishop Neumann Catholic High School of Wahoo, Nebraska, and the Kerkhoven-Murdock-Sunburg Marching Saints, of Kerkhoven, Minnesota, sent their marching bands to the Barracks Row parade.

While in Washington, D.C., the Bishop Neumann group was expecting to meet Nebraska Governor Pillen at the Nebraska exhibit during the wildly popular Great American State Fair and visit Mount Vernon, Arlington National Cemetery, the National Archives, and the Museum of the Bible.

A highly decorated high school marching band, the KMS Marching Saints won this year’s Class A Championship and the Best Colorguard and Drumline awards. The National Independence Day Parade was the second performance canceled on the marchers from Minnesota. They’d been scheduled to march in a parade in Philadelphia on July 2, but the heat forced cancelation of that one too.

“What a crazy trip this has been!” the group’s Facebook page said. “These kids are super hydrated and itching to perform! What began as sad news has turned into something great! We’re looking forward to representing our school, community, and the state of Minnesota proudly.”

National Mall July 4 flyovers have begun

https://4thflyover.vercel.app/

THE URN MAP.

The Golden Watering Can contest is soon. Spruce up your urns.

The Fine Print

Copyright © *2022* *Friends of Capitol Hill Parks, All rights reserved.
PLANTS People Living Actively Near Their Site *
We are dog-friendly, plant-friendly, tree-friendly, eco-friendly, NPS-friendly and just generally friendly (most of the time.)
THE BEST NEWSLETTER SERVING LINCOLN PARK
*People Living Actively Near Their Site *

All subscribers to the Lincoln Park Newsletter, a parody and news publication, become automatic members of FRIENDS OF CAPITOL HILL PARKS, the largest volunteer charitable organization serving Lincoln Park, Washington, DC, Mary Farran, president, chairwoman, CEO and Lincoln Park mayor-for-life.

If you do not want to be a free member of FRIENDS OF CAPITOL HILL PARKS, you can resign and subscribe to the newsletter and be a non-member subscriber by signing up for a very expensive, exclusive, premium over-priced pay subscription. Dogecoin is no longer accepted since it is part of an illegal global scheme linked to the richest man in the world.

Through consultation with NPS, PLANTS volunteers will purchase and install plants, which will also include aromatics.

The Lincoln Park Newsletter is parody, opinion and news serving the area sort of around Lincoln Park.

H. BETTS, chief copy editor, has no plans to leave her bunker during the craziness today.

NO CANCELLATION

THE BARRACKS ROW INDEPENDENCE DAY PARADE WILL GO ON AS SCHEDULED

By Tommy Woodward

The 23rd annual Barracks Row July 4th parade is still on.

All across the Washington, DC, metropolitan area, extreme heat has forced cancellation of other holiday events, including parades in Takoma Park and Laurel in Maryland, and in Leesburg and The City of Fairfax in Virginia.

Pansies.

If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the parade.

Only the tough and weather-resistant DC marchers on Capitol Hill (and in Palisades) will go ahead with their parades. The Barracks Row parade organizers confirmed in an email that there was no expectation of a cancellation, but they did advise caution.

“With high temperatures expected, we encourage everyone marching and attending to come prepared with plenty of water, sunscreen, hats, umbrellas, and anything else you need to stay cool,” the organizers said.

“Free hydration provided by Smartwater will be available at Eastern Market Metro Park, and a medical aid station will be on site at the corner of 8th Street SE & G Street SE should any assistance be needed.

The group added, “Your safety comes first. If you do not feel comfortable attending or marching due to the heat, please stay home and take care of yourself.”

Lincoln Park lovers are invited to join the Treat Lady for the second year marching in the annual Independence Day parade on 8th Street SE.

We will decorate a pickup truck at 7:30 p.m. today in front of Mary’s condo building on 12th Street NE, south of Constitution. Please stop by and help. Margaritas to be provided.

On Saturday, we will all don our Hawaiian or floral shirts and skirts. Dogs are encouraged to march. The Treat Lady will be throwing treats to the dogs in the audience.

Participants marching with animals must be able to provide vaccination records and veterinarian information if requested.

Parade Day Schedule (Approximate)

8:30 AM – Vehicles line up facing north under the bridge at 8th St & Virginia Ave SE. (Proof of insurance required)

9 AM – Marchers meet with the Treat Lady group for pretzels and ice water.

9:45 AM – All groups in position under the bridge

10:00 AM – Parade begins promptly with “The Commandant’s Own” United States Marine Drum and Bugle Corps

10:02 AM – Naval Lodge steps off, followed by local politicians.

10:05 AM onward – Remaining groups — including the Treat Lady — proceed as directed by parade organizers.

Noon – Parade concludes. Turn left onto D Street at the end of the route so groups behind you may continue marching smoothly.

AFTER THE PARADE

Barracks Row Watermelon Festival at Eastern Market Metro Plaza

Presented by Barracks Row Main Street
Saturday, July 4, 2026 | 11 AM – 3 PM

​Barracks Row Main Street is holding a Watermelon Festival, a swell and sweltering community celebration packed with summer fun and heat stroke for all ages after the 4th of July Parade.

Enjoy exciting performances by the DMV Drumline, music from the Too Much Talent Band and jazz with Herb Scott at Eastern Market Plaza.

Relax under the shade and bring the kids for face painting.

Also watch a live watermelon sculpture carving demonstration with plenty of Gallagher-style watermelon-themed activities.

• FREE Hot Dogs from Belga Cafe (while supplies last)

• FREE Watermelon Summer beverages from Ted’s Bulletin (while supplies last)

Plus, There’s a Cannoli Eating Contest.

Because, why not?

https://www.capitolhill4thparade.com/

The National Guard loves dogs

Capitol Fourth Goes Forth Tonight

The annual “A Capitol Fourth Concert” will be held as scheduled this evening, the U.S. Capitol Police announced Friday morning. Due to the excessive heat, the public gates for the concert are to open later, at 7 p.m.

All guests are strongly encouraged to bring an ample supply of water to stay hydrated.

“A Capitol Fourth Concert” will be broadcast live from the West Front of the United States Capitol at 8 p.m. EST on public television stations (check local listings) and streaming online to honor our country’s 250th birthday.

New this year, the concert will be on July 3, not July 4. There will be no fireworks at the Capitol. Instead, the fireworks finale will be live-streamed from Mount Vernon.

There will be no public viewing permitted of the July 4 fireworks show from Capitol Grounds.

How Trump Hijacked America’s 250th Birthday to Enrich Himself, Sell Access, and Harvest Americans’ Data

Whistleblower accounts and internal documents reveal how the White House captured a beloved national charity, deceived donors out of their money, and sold access to the president

Read the report from the U.S. House Natural Resources Committee

https://democrats-naturalresources.house.gov/media/press-releases/ranking-member-huffman-releases-report-on-how-trump-hijacked-americas-250th-birthday-to-enrich-himself-sell-access-and-harvest-americans-data

National Mall July 4 flyover schedule

Cover your pets’ ears.

Sean Hannity, who is a blithering idiot, mis-identifies the aircraft on Instagram.

Military aircraft are set to zoom noisily through the skies over Lincoln Park and the National Mall on the Fourth of July.

Flyovers and demonstrations are planned for Saturday, according to Freedom 250, the sketchy President Donald Trump-based organization headed by a Trump crony with secret funding and suspicious contracting.

Here is the schedule for flyovers and demonstrations along the National Mall and Washington Monument grounds on Saturday, July 4:

• 1:14 PM - NASA F-5 Flyover

• 1:24 PM - NASA Fleet Review

• 1:44 PM - USCG Helo Flyover

• 1:54 PM - USCG Fixed Wing Flyover

• 2:09 PM - Golden Knights, Leap Frogs

  2:29 PM - Army Helo Flyover

• 2:44 PM - USAF Fleet Review - Wave 1 - Heavies

• 2:54 PM - USAF Fleet Review - Wave 2 - AFSOC

• 3:04 PM - USAF Fleet Review - Wave 3 - Fighters

• 3:29 PM - Executive Rotary Wing Airlift

• 3:39 PM - USMC Fleet Review - Wave 1 - Rotary

• 3:49 PM - USMC Fleet Review - Wave 2 - Fixed Wing

• 3:59 PM - USN Fleet Review - Wave 1 - Rotary

• 4:09 PM - USN Fleet Review - Wave 2 - Fixed Wing

• 4:19 PM - USN Fleet Review - Wave 3 - Fighters

• 4:21 PM - USN F-18F Demonstration

• 4:59 PM - USN Blue Angels

  

• 5:26 PM - USMC MV-22 Osprey Demonstration

• 5:44 PM - USAF Fleet Review – Fighters

• 6:02 PM - USAF Tri-Bomber Formation

• 6:05 PM - USN F-35C Demonstration

• 6:25 PM - USAF Thunderbirds Demonstration

• 7:03 PM - Air Force One Flyover

• 7:07 PM - USAF Thunderbirds Delta Break

• 7:17 PM - HUGE 1 Flyover Led by the Newly Renovated Air Force One

• 7:38 PM - U.S. Stealth Airpower Flyover

• 7:39 PM - F-22 Raptor Demo

• 7:53 PM - F-22 Raptor in Afterburner

• 7:59 PM - B-1 Flyover

• 8:07 PM - B-1’s in Afterburner

• 8:11 PM - HUGE ONE Fly Over Review

• 8:22 PM - Golden Knights Twilight Jump

• 10:36 PM - B-1 Afterburner Night Pass

THE URN MAP.

The Golden Watering Can contest is soon. Spruce up your urns.

The Fine Print

Copyright © *2022* *Friends of Capitol Hill Parks, All rights reserved.
PLANTS People Living Actively Near Their Site *
We are dog-friendly, plant-friendly, tree-friendly, eco-friendly, NPS-friendly and just generally friendly (most of the time.)
THE BEST NEWSLETTER SERVING LINCOLN PARK
*People Living Actively Near Their Site *

All subscribers to the Lincoln Park Newsletter, a parody and news publication, become automatic members of FRIENDS OF CAPITOL HILL PARKS, the largest volunteer charitable organization serving Lincoln Park, Washington, DC, Mary Farran, president, chairwoman, CEO and Lincoln Park mayor-for-life.

If you do not want to be a free member of FRIENDS OF CAPITOL HILL PARKS, you can resign and subscribe to the newsletter and be a non-member subscriber by signing up for a very expensive, exclusive, premium over-priced pay subscription. Dogecoin is no longer accepted since it is part of an illegal global scheme linked to the richest man in the world.

Through consultation with NPS, PLANTS volunteers will purchase and install plants, which will also include aromatics.

The Lincoln Park Newsletter is parody, opinion and news serving the area sort of around Lincoln Park.

H. BETTS, chief copy editor, refuses to let Queenie go to the Barracks Row parade.

DC NATIONAL GUARD TO VACATE HISTORIC DC ARMORY

It is unclear from the US Army statement if the Guard will ever move back

The U.S. Army is moving the DC National Guard Readiness Center out of the DC Armory on the RFK campus and has identified as a possible new home the Armed Forces Retirement Home on North Capitol Street, the Lincoln Park Newsletter has learned.

“The relocation is necessary due to the upcoming redevelopment of the RFK campus, which will impact the [National Guard’s] mission capabilities,” said Master Sgt. Arthur M. Wright, spokesman for the Guard.

The Guard “is evaluating multiple sites to relocate” but “no final decisions have been made,” Wright said in an email. “The primary site under consideration is an 80-acre parcel at the Armed Forces Retirement Home.”

The move is meant to be ”a strategic investment in our national security, ensuring our Soldiers have the state-of-the-art facilities they need to respond to any crisis.”

Asked if the Guard will move back after the area is redeveloped, Wright said, “I have nothing further to add currently.”

DC National Guard soldiers often use Lincoln Park for training. Several dozen members of the Guard left trails of sweat this morning as they walked through Lincoln Park during an exercise with full backpacks.

When it was built in 1943, the DC Armory was the largest building in the Department of Defense. Over the decades, the building has hosted conventions, inaugural balls, concerts, expos, trade shows, tractor pulls, horse competitions, circuses, car shows, boxing tournaments and Georgetown University basketball games.

One of the first locations for the armory was on the National Mall where the National Archives building now stands. That building became a hospital during the Civil War.

The current building was conceived under President Franklin D. Roosevelt, who oversaw the donation of land by the Department of the Interior. A plan was drawn up by the Works Progress Administration.

DC News Now reported the news about the DC Armory earlier.

LPN SERVES UP A SNARK SANDWICH

Let’s see how expensive Mott’s sammies are

The last edition of the newsletter teased the new Mott’s Market for its prices. One reader did not like the snark.

“This just in: prepared food is expensive in a city,” the commenter said.

Fair enough.

Let’s compare to other lunch spots nearby.

The Lincoln Park Newsletter surveyed similar sandwiches at Jacob’s (8th and C Streets NE), Prego’s (across from Eastern Market on 7th Street SE), and the iconic Mangilardo’s (1317 Penn Ave. SE).

We did not review the quality of the sandwiches, other than to say that all of the sandwich shops are pretty proficient with their food and prepare the sandwiches on site.

After Mott’s, the next most expensive was Mangilardo’s, the Italian sandwich shop popular among police and federal agents, whose loyalty resulted in the famous G-man sandwich.

HELP US DECORATE ON FRIDAY EVENING

MARCHING WITH YOUR NEIGHBORS IN THE FOURTH OF JULY PARADE

Lincoln Park lovers are invited to join the Treat Lady for the second year marching in the annual Independence Day parade on 8th Street SE.

Our theme is pets and petals. Dog owners and adopt-an-urn volunteers are encouraged to participate.

We will decorate a pickup truck at 7:30 p.m. — please note the new time — in front of Mary’s condo building on 12th Street NE, south of Constitution. Please stop by and help.

On Saturday, we will all don our Hawaiian or floral shirts and skirts. Dogs are encouraged to march. The Treat Lady will be throwing treats to the dogs in the audience.

Participants marching with animals must be able to provide vaccination records and veterinarian information if requested.

Parade Day Schedule (Approximate)

8:30 AM – Vehicles line up facing north under the bridge at 8th St & Virginia Ave SE. (Proof of insurance required)

9AM – Marchers meet with the Treat Lady group for breakfast and coffee.

9:45 AM – All groups in position under the bridge

10:00 AM – Parade begins promptly with “The Commandant’s Own” United States Marine Drum and Bugle Corps

10:02 AM – Naval Lodge steps off, followed by local elected officials, including Councilmember-for-life Charles Allen. Congratulate Charles on spending the last two decades in the Ward 6 council office, and wish him another two or three decades on the job.

10:05 AM onward – Remaining groups — including the Treat Lady — proceed as directed by parade organizers. Groups will be spaced out (not on drugs, but spaces between groups.) The Capitol Hill BID “Men and Women in Blue” will bring up the rear of the parade to sweep up horse and dog droppings.

12:00 PM – Parade concludes. Turn left onto D Street at the end of the route so groups behind you may continue marching smoothly.

The parade route heads northbound on 8th Street SE, ending at the Eastern Market Metro Plaza.

https://www.capitolhill4thparade.com/

THE URN MAP.

The Golden Watering Can contest is soon. Spruce up your urns.

The Fine Print

Copyright © *2022* *Friends of Capitol Hill Parks, All rights reserved.
PLANTS People Living Actively Near Their Site *
We are dog-friendly, plant-friendly, tree-friendly, eco-friendly, NPS-friendly and just generally friendly (most of the time.)
THE BEST NEWSLETTER SERVING LINCOLN PARK
*People Living Actively Near Their Site *

All subscribers to the Lincoln Park Newsletter, a parody and news publication, become automatic members of FRIENDS OF CAPITOL HILL PARKS, the largest volunteer charitable organization serving Lincoln Park, Washington, DC, Mary Farran, president, chairwoman, CEO and Lincoln Park mayor-for-life.

If you do not want to be a free member of FRIENDS OF CAPITOL HILL PARKS, you can resign and subscribe to the newsletter and be a non-member subscriber by signing up for a very expensive, exclusive, premium over-priced pay subscription. Dogecoin is no longer accepted since it is part of an illegal global scheme linked to the richest man in the world.

Through consultation with NPS, PLANTS volunteers will purchase and install plants, which will also include aromatics.

The Lincoln Park Newsletter is parody, opinion and news serving the area sort of around Lincoln Park.

H. BETTS can’t wait for the heat to simmer down.

MAJOR TRANSFORMATION OF LINCOLN PARK NEIGHBORHOOD DESCRIBED IN STADIUM-AREA MASTER PLAN

Once again, Lincoln Park and ‘Hill East’ will be at the center of the DC sports world with a new Commander’s arena and development on the old RFK Stadium’s former parking lots.

The DC Office of Planning has released the draft RFK Campus Master Plan. Now open for comment, the 89-page plan was emailed to residents who had signed up for updates.

Read it here: RFK Campus Master Plan – Public Comment Draft

The publication of the draft now begins a 45-day public comment period that ends August 14.

Here’s how to submit comments and learn about the Washington Commanders’ pop-up engagement schedule on the Get Involved page. There will be a webinar tonight (June 30) to provide an overview of the plan and explain how to submit your feedback.

Date: Thursday, June 25, 2026

Time: 7-8 p.m.

Location: Online (Zoom)

Registration link: https://us02web.zoom.us/webinar/register/WN_czge2GryTTmdBmo3nlS4Gg#/

This meeting will be recorded and published at OurRFK.dc.gov.

SOME EXCERPTS FROM THE REPORT

DEMOGRAPHIC ANALYSIS

‘The total population of the study area is 58,539 people, covering 3,422 acres and representing over 8% of the total District population (based on five-year averages from 2019-2023). The distribution of ages across the study area skews younger than the District as a whole.”

The report gathered key demographic data to identify disparities and inequities that have arisen over time because of racial segregation and discrimination.

‘The Anacostia River largely splits the study area by racial background, with higher populations of white residents west of the Anacostia River and higher populations of Black residents east of the Anacostia. Hispanic and Asian populations within the study area are relatively small compared to the District as a whole.”

RETAIL ANALYSIS

The location of grocery stores, shopping centers, and commercial properties reveals a geographic gap around the RFK Campus, the study says, adding that retailers have avoided building stores east of the Anacostia River.

“Many stores, grocers, and other retailers require higher levels of disposable income within a 1-mile radius before positioning a store in a given community. This opportunity is compounded by the closure of a full-service grocery store [Safeway] near Benning Road NE and H Street NE, which will widen existing gaps in fresh food access.”

The report says future grocery stores located near the RFK Campus would be beneficial and supported by the local residents.

ITS ALMOST TIME FOR THE INDEPENDENCE DAY PARADE ON BARRACKS ROW

HELP US DECORATE ON FRIDAY EVENING.

MARCHING WITH YOUR NEIGHBORS IN THE FOURTH OF JULY PARADE

Lincoln Park lovers are invited to join the Treat Lady for the second year marching in the annual Independence Day parade on 8th Street SE.

Our theme is pets and petals. Dog owners and adopt-an-urn volunteers are encouraged to participate.

We will decorate our float — a pickup truck — at 5 p.m. in front of Mary’s condo building on 12th Street NE, south of Constitution. Please stop by and help.

On Saturday, we will all don our Hawaiian or floral shirts and skirts. Dogs are encouraged to march. The Treat Lady will be throwing treats to the dogs in the audience.

Participants marching with animals must be able to provide vaccination records and veterinarian information if requested.

Parade Day Schedule (Approximate)

8:30 AM – Vehicles line up facing north under the bridge at 8th St & Virginia Ave SE. (Proof of insurance required)

9AM – Marchers meet with the Treat Lady group for breakfast and coffee.

9:45 AM – All groups in position under the bridge

10:00 AM – Parade begins promptly with “The Commandant’s Own” United States Marine Drum and Bugle Corps

10:02 AM – Naval Lodge steps off, followed by local elected officials, including Councilmember-for-life Charles Allen. Congratulate Charles on spending the last two decades in the Ward 6 council office, and wish him another two or three decades on the job.

10:05 AM onward – Remaining groups — including the Treat Lady — proceed as directed by parade organizers. Groups will be spaced out (not on drugs, but spaces between groups.) The Capitol Hill BID “Men and Women in Blue” will bring up the rear of the parade to sweep up horse and dog droppings.

12:00 PM – Parade concludes. Turn left onto D Street at the end of the route so groups behind you may continue marching smoothly.

The parade route heads northbound on 8th Street SE, ending at the Eastern Market Metro Plaza.

https://www.capitolhill4thparade.com/

Here are the final directions from the parade organizers:

FIRE PHOTOS

Trace LaTurner captured images of fires this week and sent the photos to the newsletter.

Interesting how she keeps turning up at the scene of fires.

Hmmmm.

MOTT’S MARKET OFF TO A PRICEY START

Sticker shock greets guests at bougie new cafe

Mott’s Market opened last week with bottles of wine costing $24 and glasses of vino for a mere $14 a pop.

This is not your father’s dilapidated Mott’s Market.

Turnout for the new market has been strong, but if you’re looking for something affordable, this is not the place. Sit on your wallet lest your pocket be picked.

Hours are 8 a.m. to 8 p.m. Tuesday through Saturday, and 8 a.m. to 3 p.m. on Sunday.

To be fair, the investors did pour a lot of money into this joint over the past four years. Sort of like The $64 Tomato.

Grab-and-go breakfast burritos are served until 11 a.m., when the menu opens up with made-to-order sandwiches served until 7:30 PM. An Italian hoagie is $18. Chicken salad sandwiches cost $16. Get out your billfold. You get the picture.

Asked for comment about the price of wine, Michael Skinner, CEO of the Mott’s ownership group, said in an email, “One thing to note is that you pay the full price on the bottle to enjoy it on the patio, but if you are buying a bottle of wine to go, it is 30% off. So that $24 is more like $17.”

The market, located at 233 12th St. SE, was sold for $1.25 million in April 2022. The new owners saw that the building needed an overhaul and they sold the two-story building to a group of neighbors in October of 2022 for $1.3 million.

SUGGESTION BOX

SHARE YOUR THOUGHTS, IDEAS WITH MOTT’S MANAGEMENT

CEO Skinner has launched a Week One Survey as the proprietors continue to make adjustments. The survey takes about 5 minutes to complete. Responses are anonymous (unless you choose to share your email at the end). Take the survey yourself and share this with others who might be interested. Deadline is midnight Wednesday, July 1.

Here’s the link to the survey. https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSfViONXJaeO3yrxR4AM5n3bPrF30x4fOqhAdLaAAwJXuwUYwg/viewform?usp=dialog

THE URN MAP.

The Golden Watering Can contest is soon. Spruce up your urns.

The Fine Print

Copyright © *2022* *Friends of Capitol Hill Parks, All rights reserved.
PLANTS People Living Actively Near Their Site *
We are dog-friendly, plant-friendly, tree-friendly, eco-friendly, NPS-friendly and just generally friendly (most of the time.)
THE BEST NEWSLETTER SERVING LINCOLN PARK
*People Living Actively Near Their Site *

All subscribers to the Lincoln Park Newsletter, a parody and news publication, become automatic members of FRIENDS OF CAPITOL HILL PARKS, the largest volunteer charitable organization serving Lincoln Park, Washington, DC, Mary Farran, president, chairwoman, CEO and Lincoln Park mayor-for-life.

If you do not want to be a free member of FRIENDS OF CAPITOL HILL PARKS, you can resign and subscribe to the newsletter and be a non-member subscriber by signing up for a very expensive, exclusive, premium over-priced pay subscription. Dogecoin is no longer accepted since it is part of an illegal global scheme linked to the richest man in the world.

Through consultation with NPS, PLANTS volunteers will purchase and install plants, which will also include aromatics.

The Lincoln Park Newsletter is parody, opinion and news serving the area sort of around Lincoln Park.

H. BETTS can’t wait for the heat to simmer down.

MOTT’S MARKET FINALLY OPENING

After four long years, Mott’s Neighborhood Market is getting ready to open this week.

Beginning Tuesday, Mott’s will be open for business Tuesday through Sunday.

“We’ll have an official grand opening in a few weeks,” said Michael Skinner, president of the limited liability corporation that owns the store, “but the market does start full time operation Tuesday.”

Hours will be 8 a.m. to 8 p.m. Tuesday through Saturday, and 8 a.m. to 3 p.m. on Sunday.

Local entrepreneur Peyton Sherwood was hired to run the market and wine bar in the renovated, expanded space. There will also be indoor and outdoor seating where guests can get items like wine or sandwiches.

Sherwood is the son of longtime journalist Tom Sherwood, who worked for The Washington Post, NBC4 and WAMU-FM, where he is an analyst for the Politics Hour.

A soft opening occurred on Sunday to work out any kinks before the grand opening.

The market, located at 233 12th St., was sold for $1.25 million in April 2022. The new owners saw that the building needed an overhaul and they sold the two-story building to a group of neighbors in October of 2022 for $1.3 million.

ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR HAWK CHICKS

‘REHAB BIRD’ RECUPERATES AFTER VISIT TO SHELTER

Final Lincoln Park census of the Cooper’s Hawk’s nest: Four chicks, including the fledgling found hiding in a concrete flowerpot

But what is her name? Let’s have a naming contest.

The Cooper’s Hawk that was rescued last week in Lincoln Park has three siblings, the city’s biologist told the Lincoln Park Newsletter.

Rauch, a DC Department of Energy & Environment wildlife biologist, said there were four chicks born to the adults nesting in Lincoln Park.

“The adults will stick around and nest within a few blocks of this nest next year,” Rauch said. The raptors were at 13th and D, NE a few years ago, Lincoln Park in 2024 and 8th and Massachusetts NE in 2023, he said.

Cooper's Hawks typically build new nests between March and June in the same general breeding territory, the Birds of Prey Foundation said. Clutch size is three to five eggs. Young fledge four to five weeks after hatching.

Cooper’s Hawks mainly eat birds, according to All About Birds. They tend to prefer medium-sized birds. Studies report that they eat European Starlings, Mourning Doves, and Rock Pigeons, along with American Robins, several kinds of jays, Northern Flicker, and quail, pheasants, grouse, and chickens. Cooper’s Hawks sometimes rob nests and also eat chipmunks, hares, mice, squirrels, and bats.

Earlier this month, Rauch pointed to part of a squirrel’s tail just below the nest, and said it must have been dinner for the hawks.

With the assistance of a National Park Service cherry picker, Rauch set the bird free.

Rauch had rescued the bird and taken her to City Wildlife, a local charity, where she was checked out and given a clean bill of health.

Parkgoers discovered the Cooper’s Hawk fledgling earlier this month hiding in a flower urn on the south side of the central plaza. The urn has been adopted by Rindy O’Brien, the legendary garden writer for The Hill Rag.

To name the rehabilitated hawk, go to this website

COUNCILMEMBER-FOR-LIFE CHARLES ALLEN CRUISES TO VICTORY

As expected, lifelong politician, Councilmember-for-Life Charles Allen, easily won the Democratic primary, defeating neophyte challenger Gloria Nauden

What did you expect? He is the COUNCILMEMBER-FOR-LIFE.

Go suck lemons, losers. Only Alabamians Tommy Wells and Charles Allen get to decide who runs for the Ward 6 council seat.

Vote Totals for Ward 6 Councilmember

Last Updated: Sunday, June 21st 2026 6:13:07 pm EST

Councilmember-for-Life Charles Allen 12,773 — 76%

Gloria Ann Nauden 2,992 — 19%

Michael Murphy. 1,038 — 6.16%

Other 57 — 0.34%

RFK master plan comment period opens

The District of Columbia’s Office of Planning plans to hold a public webinar this week about the draft RFK Campus Master Plan and to discuss the next stage of the RFK Campus redevelopment project.

During the webinar on June 25, the city will provide an overview of the draft plan and explain how community members and local stakeholders can comment on the plan. The public comment period will be open for 45 days.

Date: Thursday, June 25, 2026

Time: 7-8 p.m.

Location: Online (Zoom)

Registration link: https://us02web.zoom.us/webinar/register/WN_czge2GryTTmdBmo3nlS4Gg#/

This meeting will be recorded and published at OurRFK.dc.gov.

NEW STADIUM PARKING AND TRANSIT ANALYSIS FROM WMATA

No New Metro Station Explanation in a Few Images

The new stadium at RFK could create a nightmare for fans, according to a study by Metro.

Given the anticipated use of transit for event attendees, it could take over two hours to clear attendees after an event at the new stadium without new transit investments.

Metro analyzed rail and bus concepts to better accommodate customers and support RFK’s transit first approach.

Early analysis shows that:

• Stadium-Armory Station: Multiple improvements (e.g. mezzanines, elevators, escalators, and expanded north entrance) to increase accessibility and capacity and serve customers quickly, safely, and efficiently;

• Bus Rapid Transit (BRT) connecting RFK to Union Station and a RFK/Kingman Park Transit Center Station: Center-running, dedicated bus lanes, potentially branded as the Gold Line, along H Street, NE and Benning Road, NE will deliver capacity, convenience, and competitive travel time to Union Station for transfers to Red Line, Amtrak, MARC, and VRE.

A transit center located close to the stadium will provide convenient, secure, and climate-controlled environment for BRT and local bus customers, and support moving large crowds to and from the stadium. The transit center must be connected to Benning Road with dedicated lanes for buses to ensure that buses move quickly and do not interact with cars, taxis, and other curbside activities. Future BRT phases could extend east to connect RFK to Benning Road.

Trump Claims He Founded Lincoln Park, Demands It Be Renamed

As the park marks its anniversary, the president claims credit for the green space, the broken bench, and possibly the dead tree

LINCOLN PARK, WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald J. Trump claimed Thursday that he “essentially” founded Lincoln Park, the more than century-old Capitol Hill green space, and called for it to be renamed “Trump Park” effective immediately.

“Beautiful park. Very classy. Some people — very smart people — are saying it’s the greatest park in the history of parks,” Trump posted on Truth Social. “And they say I did that. They are saying we should rename it. People are saying it should be renamed; it’s only fair.”

Historians noted that the park dates to the original 1790 L’Enfant city plan and not, as Trump suggested, to “a very major executive order, probably.”

Treat Ladies Unimpressed

The Lincoln Park Treat Ladies — a tradition stretching from Martha Washington and Dolley Madison to Clara Barton and Mary Farran — were unmoved.

“Martha Washington did not haul her ginger cookies across cobblestones so a man in a golf cart could take credit,” said one Treat Lady, who declined to give her name because, she said, “I don’t want him posting about my double-chocolate brownies.”

Trump Also Claims Credit for Broken Bench, Dead Tree

When informed that the park’s 250-year history included its first broken bench and first dead tree, Trump issued a follow-up post saying he had “done a great job with that tree” and that its death was “very much by design.”

The Abraham Lincoln statue at the park’s center was asked for comment. It did not respond, though several tourists reported it appeared to be looking the other way.

The 250th anniversary celebration proceeds as scheduled. Treats will be served.

— Lincoln Park Newsletter

JOIN US MARCHING IN THE FOURTH OF JULY PARADE

Lincoln Park lovers are invited to join the Treat Lady marking for the second year in the annual Independence Day parade on Barracks Row.

Our theme is pets and petals. Dog owners and adopt-an-urn volunteers are encouraged to participate.

We will all don our Hawaiian or floral shirts. Dogs are encouraged to attend. The Treat Lady will be throwing treats to the dogs in the audience.

Participants marching with animals must be able to provide vaccination records and veterinarian information if requested.

Parade Day Schedule (Approximate)

8:30 AM – Vehicles line up facing north under the bridge at 8th St & Virginia Ave SE. (Proof of insurance required)

9:30 AM – Marchers meet with their groups

9:45 AM – All groups in position under the bridge

10:00 AM – Parade begins promptly with “The Commandant’s Own” United States Marine Drum and Bugle Corps

10:02 AM – Naval Lodge steps off, followed by local elected officials

10:05 AM onward – Remaining groups proceed as directed by parade organizers. To help keep the parade moving smoothly, groups will be spaced out slightly, so we appreciate your patience. The Capitol Hill BID “Men and Women in Blue” will bring up the rear of the parade.

12:00 PM – Parade concludes. Please remember to turn left onto D Street at the end of the route so groups behind you may continue marching smoothly.

The parade route remains the same as in previous years: northbound on 8th Street SE, ending at the Eastern Market Metro Plaza at 8th & D Street SE.

https://www.capitolhill4thparade.com/

We’re looking forward to another fantastic parade and celebrating with all of you this year.

The Fine Print

Copyright © *2022* *Friends of Capitol Hill Parks, All rights reserved.
PLANTS People Living Actively Near Their Site *
We are dog-friendly, plant-friendly, tree-friendly, eco-friendly, NPS-friendly and just generally friendly (most of the time.)
THE BEST NEWSLETTER SERVING LINCOLN PARK
*People Living Actively Near Their Site *

All subscribers to the Lincoln Park Newsletter, a parody and news publication, become automatic members of FRIENDS OF CAPITOL HILL PARKS, the largest volunteer charitable organization serving Lincoln Park, Washington, DC, Mary Farran, president, chairwoman, CEO and Lincoln Park mayor-for-life.

If you do not want to be a free member of FRIENDS OF CAPITOL HILL PARKS, you can resign and subscribe to the newsletter and be a non-member subscriber by signing up for a very expensive, exclusive, premium over-priced pay subscription. Dogecoin is no longer accepted since it is part of an illegal global scheme linked to the richest man in the world.

Through consultation with NPS, PLANTS volunteers will purchase and install plants, which will also include aromatics.

The Lincoln Park Newsletter is parody, opinion and news serving the area sort of around Lincoln Park.

H. BETTS wants more photos of Cooper’s Hawks

HAPPY HOMECOMING: RELEASED BIRD FLIES TO ANOTHER TREE

VIDEO SHOWS BIRD RELEASE HIGH ABOVE LINCOLN PARK

Dan Rauch, a DC biologist, releases the raptor. Before the release, adult birds, likely the parents, circle the cherry picker.

By Tommy Woodward

The Cooper’s Hawk that was rescued last week in Lincoln Park was returned on Monday to the tree where she was born. She promptly flew away.

With the assistance of a National Park Service cherry picker, DC wildlife biologist Dan “the Bird Man” Rauch opened the cardboard pen holding the fledgling and lifted her out to place her on a branch. The hawk took flight and crossed the park to another tree near the southeast playground.

The hawk “flew out right away,” said Renan Salas, a mechanic for the National Park Service who operated the cherry picker already in the park for routine maintenance of the lights.

The Monday afternoon release was the culmination of a dramatic few days for the hawk and bird lovers around Lincoln Park.

The excitement began Friday morning when park goers came across the Cooper’s Hawk fledgling hiding in a flower urn on the south side of the central plaza. Earlier in the week, a pet care professional and dog walker, Aquiles Holladay, saw two large crows harassing the bird in the park.

The crows were explicitly violating federal regulation (36 CFR § 2.2) that prohibits touching, teasing, frightening, or intentionally disturbing wildlife or their nesting sites.

The crows could not be reached for comment.

Rauch, a DC Department of Energy & Environment wildlife biologist, rescued the raptor — believed to be a female — and took her to City Wildlife, a local charity, where she was checked out and given a clean bill of health. She was fed a steady diet while imprisoned in the wildlife rescue outfit.

Rauch spent the better part of the weekend making dozens of phone calls trying to find someone who could loan him a cherry picker, or someone at the National Park Service to grant permission and send workers to help. Rauch finally made progress when he reached the maintenance worker everyone knows as “Sledge.”

The park service finally granted approval on Monday.

Lorraine Docherty, the Executive Director of City Wildlife, brought the hawk to the park in a box around 3:15. Docherty said she eagerly took the assignment to deliver the critter to Lincoln Park.

“This is better than doing administrative paperwork all afternoon,” Docherty said.

Rauch had hoped the bird would stay on the branch near the nest. She was having none of it. “Would have been perfect if it had stayed next to nest. But he/she seemed ready to go,” Rauch said in a text. “Independent streak. Rebel.”

Rauch said he is sure the fledgling will be taken care of by the adult hawks.

Unveiling of the newly restored Nathanael Greene statue this Saturday

The National Park Service is planning to unveil the newly restored Nathanael Greene statue at Stanton Park on Saturday, June 20 from 11:15 AM to 12:30 PM.

NPS also is holding a day of living history demonstrations, lawn games, Junior Ranger activities and interpretive stories from 10AM to 2PM.

Visitors are encouraged to pack a picnic blanket or lawn chairs and lunch and enjoy a full day of activities that highlight the stories and spirit of the Revolutionary War.

10:00 AM–2:00 PM: Community picnic, living history, historic games, Junior Ranger activities

11:15 AM–11:30 PM: US Army Old Guard Fife and Drum Corps parade through the park

11:30 AM–12:30 PM: Unveiling ceremony of the restored Nathanael Greene statue

12:30-2:00: Historic walking tours with the Capitol Hill Restoration Society starting every half hour

JOIN US MARCHING IN THE FOURTH OF JULY PARADE

Friends of Capitol Hill Parks, the Treat Lady Gang, Adopt-an-Urn volunteers and anyone interested is invited to join a group marching in the Barracks Row parade on July 4.

We will wear floral attire and throw treats to dogs and children.

https://www.capitolhill4thparade.com/

We’re looking forward to another fantastic parade and celebrating with all of you this year!

The Fine Print

Copyright © *2022* *Friends of Capitol Hill Parks, All rights reserved.
PLANTS People Living Actively Near Their Site *
We are dog-friendly, plant-friendly, tree-friendly, eco-friendly, NPS-friendly and just generally friendly (most of the time.)
THE BEST NEWSLETTER SERVING LINCOLN PARK
*People Living Actively Near Their Site *

All subscribers to the Lincoln Park Newsletter, a parody and news publication, become automatic members of FRIENDS OF CAPITOL HILL PARKS, the largest volunteer charitable organization serving Lincoln Park, Washington, DC, Mary Farran, president, chairwoman, CEO and Lincoln Park mayor-for-life.

If you do not want to be a free member of FRIENDS OF CAPITOL HILL PARKS, you can resign and subscribe to the newsletter and be a non-member subscriber by signing up for a very expensive, exclusive, premium over-priced pay subscription. Dogecoin is no longer accepted since it is part of an illegal global scheme linked to the richest man in the world.

Through consultation with NPS, PLANTS volunteers will purchase and install plants, which will also include aromatics.

The Lincoln Park Newsletter is parody, opinion and news serving the area sort of around Lincoln Park.

H. BETTS hopes that Milo Wilkerson will respond to his page. Paging Milo. Paging Milo.

SPECTACULAR WINDSWEPT TWO-ALARM BLAZE DAMAGES 8TH STREET BUSINESSES

The spectacular two-alarm Barracks Row fire on Thursday evening started on a wooden deck behind a multi-use building that housed a liquor store and tax service, DC Fire investigators told an owner of one the damaged buildings.

Wendell Pierre, owner of the old Ugly Mug building, said firefighters investigating the scene said that the fire started on a second-story wooden deck next door and was spread by strong gusts of wind.

The fire, which began about 8 p.m., damaged Pierre’s property and the building next door, location of She Loves Me Flower Shop. Pierre was working on an “American fusion” restaurant for the building where Ugly Mug and Valor Brewpub were located before they closed last year.

Sixty units and 100 firefighters arrived to extinguish the blaze, an assistant fire chief said at a news conference. The cause has not been determined.

Pierre’s company purchased the building in March for $2.1 million, according to Recorder’s Office records. He is waiting for the insurance company to survey the damage, but Pierre thinks it is a total loss. “Definitely significant damage,” he said.

The multi-unit building at 725 8th St. SE was home to Jackson Hewitt Tax Services, Cask & Barrel Wine and Spirits and a residential rental unit, Pierre said.

A friend of the residents of the apartment, Nicole and Joseph Demetro, and their three children, has started a Gofundme. “Donations to this fundraiser will help the Demetro family rebuild their lives and provide for immediate needs such as clothing, blankets, diapers, food, and other basic necessities,” the site says.

While battling the blaze, firefighters broke the front glass door of Howl to the Chief. It is unclear how much damage the popular pet supply shop sustained.

One firefighter was injured. DC Fire and EMS said that the firefighter had minor injuries and was taken to the hospital.

SHE FLEW THE COOP: BABY COOPER’S HAWK LANDS SAFELY ON FLOWERS

Fledgling was not seriously injured. City Wildlife and DC’s ‘bird man’ plan to put her back in her nest

Lincoln Park regulars found a wayward Cooper’s Hawk resting in a concrete flower urn on Friday morning, leaving park-goers aflutter and flying into action to rescue the fledgling.

City Wildlife, a local charity, and the DC Department of Energy & Environment said the young female bird was unharmed and they plan to put her back in the nest in Lincoln Park.

That is, if Dan Rauch, the well-known “bird man of DC,” can borrow a cherry picker that will reach the hawk’s nest hundreds of feet above the park.

It is unclear exactly how the fledgling ended up in an urn tended by Rindy O’Brien, the gardening pro of Capitol Hill. “I just removed a large plant from the middle,” O’Brien said after she was notified of the intruder.

The Treat Lady Gang was at their daily meet-up on Friday morning when they spotted the lost hawk and sprang into action. Fairy Marran, the mayor of Lincoln Park, ordered her residents to call animal control, City Wildlife, the U.S. Park Police and the National Guard.

At 9:20 a.m., a Park Police officer arrived to keep a hawk’s eye on the bird until DC Animal Control arrived and took the avian critter to City Wildlife. The group’s executive director, Lorraine Docherty, said the fledgling got a clean bill of health.

The Cornell Lab of Ornithology website says Cooper’s Hawks primarily live in forests and woodland, but can be found in leafy neighborhoods. “Among the bird world’s most skillful fliers, Cooper’s Hawks are common woodland hawks that tear through cluttered tree canopies in high speed pursuit of other birds,” Cornell said.

Rauch, who has been dubbed Dan the Bird Man, said the Cooper’s Hawk weighs 472 grams, or a little over a pound.

Rauch, a DC Department of Energy & Environment wildlife biologist, believes she is a female hawk by her weight and her claws. He contacted several park-goers to find out where the nest is (it is in a tree just south of Rindy’s urn, No. 2 on the urn map.)

COOL PICS:

Kalmar Nyckel Arrives in Alexandria

The tall ship Kalmar Nyckel arrived in Alexandria for Sails on the Potomac, an event that highlights Alexandria’s role in helping construct the foundation of the revolution.

The ship, a full-scale reproduction of the original 1638 ship that brought Swedish settlers to Delaware, is visiting Alexandria. The ship is offering tours from June 12-14. Though all tickets have been reserved, those wanting to ride the ship can still line up and take no-show spots.

ROAD-CLOSURE NIGHTMARE WEEKEND

Thanks, Trump

PLUS

TRUMP’S STAGE FIGHT TRAFFIC NIGHTMARE ISN’T THE ONLY EVENT IN TOWN

Big Two-Day Concert on the Festival Grounds at RFK Campus

The Vans Warped Tour will return on June 13-14, featuring genres of rock, punk rock, alternative, pop punk, emo and more. The festival will focus on the next generation of artists, musicians and extreme athletes. On Saturday and Sunday, the show starts at 11 a.m. and ends at 10 p.m., with 40,000 expected attendees for both days.

HEY, ISN’T THAT….

Lisa Friedman, a local Lincoln Park celebrity and co-owner of Wine and Butter, is switching beats at The New York Times. Lisa is now an energy correspondent on the Times business news desk.

She had been covering climate policy and politics since joining the Times nine years ago.

Friedman previously was the Washington bureau chief for The Oakland Tribune and The Los Angeles Daily News. She was also the editor of Climatewire, an energy policy publication.

Friedman holds a bachelor’s degree from Columbia University and once started working toward a master’s in journalism at the University of Maryland.

Here is her inaugural story.

“OPEC Plus to Boost Oil Production as Ceasefire in Iran Remains Elusive

“The cartel’s move to increase output by 188,000 barrels per day is largely symbolic, with vast amounts of the world’s oil stranded by the effective shutdown of the Strait of Hormuz.”

JOIN US MARCHING IN THE FOURTH OF JULY PARADE

Park-goers, dog owners and urn tenders will again march in the annual Independence Day parade on Barracks Row. Come find us in the line under the highway underpass on 8th Street SE. Please wear a floral shirt.

Parade Day Schedule

8:30 AM – Vehicles line up facing north under the bridge at 8th St & Virginia Ave SE. (Proof of insurance required)

9:30 AM – Marchers meet with their groups

9:45 AM – All groups in position under the bridge

10:00 AM – Parade begins promptly with “The Commandant’s Own” United States Marine Drum and Bugle Corps

10:02 AM – Naval Lodge steps off, followed by local elected officials

10:05 AM onward – Remaining groups proceed as directed by parade organizers. To help keep the parade moving smoothly, groups will be spaced out slightly, so we appreciate your patience. The Capitol Hill BID “Men and Women in Blue” will bring up the rear of the parade.

12:00 PM – Parade concludes. Please remember to turn left onto D Street at the end of the route so groups behind you may continue marching smoothly.

The parade route remains the same as in previous years: northbound on 8th Street SE, ending at the Eastern Market Metro Plaza at 8th & D Street SE. As additional details become available, they will be emailed out to registrants and posted on the website:

The Fine Print

Copyright © *2022* *Friends of Capitol Hill Parks, All rights reserved.
PLANTS People Living Actively Near Their Site *
We are dog-friendly, plant-friendly, tree-friendly, eco-friendly, NPS-friendly and just generally friendly (most of the time.)
THE BEST NEWSLETTER SERVING LINCOLN PARK
*People Living Actively Near Their Site *

All subscribers to the Lincoln Park Newsletter, a parody and news publication, become automatic members of FRIENDS OF CAPITOL HILL PARKS, the largest volunteer charitable organization serving Lincoln Park, Washington, DC, Mary Farran, president, chairwoman, CEO and Lincoln Park mayor-for-life.

If you do not want to be a free member of FRIENDS OF CAPITOL HILL PARKS, you can resign and subscribe to the newsletter and be a non-member subscriber by signing up for a very expensive, exclusive, premium over-priced pay subscription. Dogecoin is no longer accepted since it is part of an illegal global scheme linked to the richest man in the world.

Through consultation with NPS, PLANTS volunteers will purchase and install plants, which will also include aromatics.

The Lincoln Park Newsletter is parody, opinion and news serving the area sort of around Lincoln Park.

Copy editor H. BETTS is stalking tall ships for photos.

THE GROCERY STORE WAS ONCE THE LARGEST SAFEWAY IN THE NATION

By Tommy Woodward

The Safeway at Hechinger Mall — the one neighbors affectionately christened with a jokey nickname for its less-than-sparkling atmosphere — has closed after more than four decades, leaving the Kingman Park neighborhood a little shorter on full-service grocery options.

“UnSafeway. End of an era,” a reader wrote on PoPville’s Facebook page.

The store on Maryland Avenue NE, with 63,000 square feet, was at one time one of the largest stores in the nation, according to an article in The Washington Post (back when the newspaper had blanket coverage of the metropolitan area). That story said the supermarket was set to open in May 1981, which would make it 45 years old.

The Safeway was one of the original tenants at what was then the new Hechinger Mall.

Coupled with the closure last year of the CVS on Bladensburg Road, the shuttering of the Safeway on May 16 has created a food desert, a reader wrote on Facebook.

ANC Commissioner Charquinta McCray kept the neighborhood informed, noting that the pharmacy transferred to the Safeway on Capitol Hill (1415 14th Street SE) on April 1, and that the H Street/Hechinger Mall ownership group is looking for a replacement grocer — though no candidate has been announced.

For now, the discount chain Aldi at 901 17th St. NE, plus Whole Foods and Giant along H Street, are your options. Aldi has no pharmacy.

The Hechinger Mall closure is part of a national story.

Parent company Albertsons — which absorbed Safeway in a $9.2 billion deal in 2015 — has been shutting down stores across the country, with Safeway alone closing a dozen locations in recent years. The company’s official explanation: the lease was up, and they chose to “reinvest resources into other existing stores,” according to a statement from Safeway. Translation: the numbers didn’t work.

It was not announced how many layoffs occurred when the supermarket closed.

“Following the collapse of a proposed $24.6 billion merger between Kroger (KR) and Albertsons, both companies have shifted away from expansion and toward consolidation,” TheStreet.com wrote. “Rather than growing their national footprint, they are closing underperforming locations and reallocating resources to higher-performing stores and digital operations.

The UnSafeway’s closing also coincides with the end of DC Streetcar service along H Street, which stopped running March 31.

STANTON PARK CELEBRATION

National Park Service invites you to a birthday party for America’s 250th

By NPS

Saddle up for a lively picnic at Stanton Park. Grab a blanket and lunch for a day of living history demonstrations, lawn games, Junior Ranger activities, and interpretive stories. Attendees can also witness the unveiling of the park’s newly restored Nathanael Greene statue and catch historic walking tours.

A highlight of the day is the unveiling of the newly restored Nathanael Greene statue, taking place from 11:15 AM to 12:30 PM. The ceremony will feature remarks from NACE Superintendent Serena Bellew, DC Councilmember-for-life Charles Allen, and Park Ranger Vince Vaise as the community celebrates the renewed tribute to one of the Revolutionary War’s most significant leaders.

Visitors are encouraged to pack a picnic blanket and lunch and enjoy a full day of activities that highlight the stories and spirit of the Revolutionary War.

10:00 AM–2:00 PM: Community picnic, living history, historic games, Junior Ranger activities

11:15 AM–11:30 AM: US Army Old Guard Fife and Drum Corps parade through the park

11:30 AM–12:30 PM: Unveiling ceremony of the restored Nathanael Greene statue

12:30-2:00: Historic walking tours with the Capitol Hill Restoration Society starting every half hour

NOISY CONCERT COMING TO THE HILL

Tens of thousands of rock fans are coming to the RFK parking lot this month.

The Vans Warped Tour will return on June 13-14, featuring genres of rock, punk rock, alternative, pop punk, and emo, among others, at the festival grounds at RFK (i.e. the parking lot.) The iconic festival will have a continued focus on community and nurturing the next generation of artists, musicians, and extreme athletes, the promoters said.

On Saturday and Sunday, the show starts at 11:00 a.m. and ends at 10:00 p.m., with 40,000 expected attendees over both days.

JOIN PETS AND PANSIES MARCHING IN THE FOURTH OF JULY PARADE

Urn gardening volunteers and dog owners who patronize Lincoln Park have signed up to march in the annual Independence Day parade. It is the second year for the group, loosely known as Friends of Capitol Hill Parks.

Anyone can join us. Our theme is pups and petals, so bring your dog and wear your floral shirt. Hawaiian shirts work out nicely.

A few important notes for participants:

• If your group plans to include a vehicle in the parade, the city requires vehicle information and proof of insurance. Vehicle registration details should be included in the registration form.

• Participants marching with animals must be able to provide vaccination records and veterinarian information if requested.

Parade Day Schedule (Approximate)

8:30 AM – Vehicles line up facing north under the bridge at 8th St & Virginia Ave SE. (Proof of insurance required)

9:30 AM – Marchers meet with their groups

9:45 AM – All groups in position under the bridge

10:00 AM – Parade begins promptly with “The Commandant’s Own” United States Marine Drum and Bugle Corps

10:02 AM – Naval Lodge steps off, followed by local elected officials

10:05 AM – Remaining groups proceed as directed by parade organizers. To help keep the parade moving smoothly, groups will be spaced out slightly, so we appreciate your patience. The Capitol Hill BID “Men and Women in Blue” will bring up the rear of the parade.

12:00 PM – Parade concludes. Please remember to turn left onto D Street at the end of the route so groups behind you may continue marching smoothly.

The parade route remains the same as in previous years: northbound on 8th Street SE, ending at the Eastern Market Metro Plaza at 8th & D Street SE. As additional details become available, they will be emailed out to registrants and posted on the website: https://www.capitolhill4thparade.com/

We’re looking forward to another fantastic parade and celebrating with all of you this year.

The Fine Print

Copyright © *2022* *Friends of Capitol Hill Parks, All rights reserved.
PLANTS People Living Actively Near Their Site *
We are dog-friendly, plant-friendly, tree-friendly, eco-friendly, NPS-friendly and just generally friendly (most of the time.)
THE BEST NEWSLETTER SERVING LINCOLN PARK
*People Living Actively Near Their Site *

All subscribers to the Lincoln Park Newsletter, a parody, opinion and news publication, become automatic members of FRIENDS OF CAPITOL HILL PARKS, the largest volunteer charitable organization serving Lincoln Park, Washington, DC, Mary Farran, president, chairwoman, CEO and Lincoln Park mayor-for-life.

If you do not want to be a free member of FRIENDS OF CAPITOL HILL PARKS, you can resign and subscribe to the newsletter and be a non-member subscriber by signing up for a very expensive, exclusive, premium over-priced pay subscription. Dogecoin is no longer accepted since it is part of an illegal global scheme linked to the richest man in the world.

Through consultation with NPS, PLANTS volunteers will purchase and install plants, which will also include aromatics.

Copy editor H. BETTS is taking the day off to review her ranked choice ballot.

Invite your friends to read The Lincoln Park Newsletter

Thank you for reading The Lincoln Park Newsletter.

If you enjoy LPN, invite friends to subscribe and read with us. If you refer friends, you will receive benefits that give you special access.

How to participate

1. Share Lincoln Park Newsletter.

When you use the referral link below, or the “Share” button on any post, you'll get credit for any new subscribers. Simply send the link in a text, email, or share it on social media with friends.

Refer a friend

2. Earn benefits. When more friends use your referral link to subscribe, you’ll receive special benefits.

• Get 1 packet of wildflower seeds for 3 referrals

• Get 1 packet of wildflower seeds and exclusive time with Tommy Woodward for 5 referrals

• Get a packet of wildflower seeds, exclusive time to hug and pet and spend time with both of the famed watchdogs, Tommy Woodward and Scherzer Barkstein, an invitation to participate in the annual Fourth of July parade and the annual barbecue with urn gardeners for 25 referrals

Visit the leaderboard

To learn more, check out Substack’s FAQ.

Lincoln Park’s newspaper delivery man is tired of having guns waved in his face. He just wants to do his job. He quit. Can you blame him?

While politicians (like Charles Allen) like to say that crime and carjackings are down, that doesn’t mean it doesn’t still happen. It isn’t a crime wave — unless it happens to you.

Benny, the longtime delivery person for The Washington Post and other newspapers, is giving up his job.

On Sunday morning, near 13th St. and North Carolina Ave NE, two juveniles pointed a gun in his face and demanded his car, according to an account relayed by newspaper distributors.

Benny (we’re not using his surname) got out and began yelling. A neighbor said she was calling police.

The juveniles tried to drive away, but the car was a stick shift and it stalled out because they apparently didn’t know how to drive a stick.

The would-be bandits then took off on foot.

Benny quit the next day stating that he had been held up by carjackers at least nine times over the past ten years.

MPD responded to this call for service, but the victim, Benny, had left the scene, said Officer Lee Lepe, an MPD spokesman. “If you’re in contact with Benny, would you assist us in asking him to call 911 or visit the 1D police station to file a police report,” Lepe said.

GRAND OPENING

WINE & BUTTER’S ‘LE PETIT SCOOP’ ICE CREAM SHOP SERVES FIRST CUSTOMERS

Wine & Butter Café on Lincoln Park opened its ice cream shop this week — just in time for Memorial Day, the official launch of summer

GLORIA LAUNCHES CONTRAST AD IN LONGSHOT WARD 6 BID

Gloria Nauden, the longshot underdog candidate for the Democratic nomination for the Ward 6 Council seat, is getting ready to launch a video ad that goes after career politician and Councilmember-For-Life Charles Allen on lack of responsiveness and opposition to spending increases for the police department.

The Lincoln Park Newsletter has obtained a copy exclusively.

In the ad, Lisa Pinter, a Lincoln Park area resident, talks about being carjacked in front of her home. Allen made a promise that he did not keep, she says in the ad.

Meanwhile, Allen is also running an ad on local TV “introducing” himself, which is kind of funny since he has worked in the Ward 6 council office for two decades — first as top aide to Councilmember Tommy Wells and then succeeding his boss. (The Lincoln Park Newsletter has seen the ad on streaming television.)

Allen and Wells grew up a few blocks from each other in Birmingham, Alabama. Nauden was born in Korea (the son of a Black service member and Korean mother) and has lived in the District for more than three decades.

Allen has garnered endorsements from seemingly every political interest in the city — which is part of his problem. He is thought to be a tool of the liberal special interests and listens only to biased, agenda-driven interest groups, some of which have pretty crazy ideas (young criminals deserve a break because their frontal cortex is not developed), giving the impression that he generally disregards the concerns of local citizens and their safety.

A favorite of local media (what’s the most dangerous place in Washington? Between Charles Allen and a journalist), Allen is the prohibitive favorite and Nauden seems to be primarily a protest vote for those who are sick of Charles’ patronizing, whiny tone.

By contrast, Gloria is political neophyte, and it shows on the campaign trail. As the Hill Rag said, Nauden is “less specific in her proposals” — which is the takeaway from most who have watched her campaign performance.

But, they add, at least she listens. That’s her campaign in a nutshell.

Lincoln Park curmudgeon Mark Ugoretz said he is voting for a ham sandwich.

Gee, Matt Yglesias really does not like Janeese Lewis George

NEERA TANDEN ENDORSES MCDUFFIE

The former Obama aide and president and CEO of the Center for American Progress, a liberal Democratic think tank, warns against electing Janeese.

But, hey, Charles Allen endorsed George; guess we should do what Charles says.

Meet the candidates for an at-large seat on the D.C. Council

https://51st.news/at-large-candidates-dc-council-anita-bonds/

The Fine Print

Copyright © *2022* *Friends of Capitol Hill Parks, All rights reserved.
PLANTS People Living Actively Near Their Site *
We are dog-friendly, plant-friendly, tree-friendly, eco-friendly, NPS-friendly and just generally friendly (most of the time.)
THE BEST NEWSLETTER SERVING LINCOLN PARK
*People Living Actively Near Their Site *

All subscribers to the Lincoln Park Newsletter, a parody and news publication, become automatic members of FRIENDS OF CAPITOL HILL PARKS, the largest volunteer charitable organization serving Lincoln Park, Washington, DC, Mary Farran, president, chairwoman, CEO and Lincoln Park mayor-for-life.

If you do not want to be a free member of FRIENDS OF CAPITOL HILL PARKS, you can resign and subscribe to the newsletter and be a non-member subscriber by signing up for a very expensive, exclusive, premium over-priced pay subscription. Dogecoin is no longer accepted since it is part of an illegal global scheme linked to the richest man in the world.

Through consultation with NPS, PLANTS volunteers will purchase and install plants, which will also include aromatics.

The Lincoln Park Newsletter is parody, opinion and news serving the area sort of around Lincoln Park.

H. BETTS is wondering exactly how ranked-choice voting works and who her second choice should be.