It turned out to be a high-end dispensary and “weed consumption lounge” owned by Woody Harrelson, John MacEnroe, and Bill Maher. Henceforth I will only be calling it “Bill Maher’s Weed Lounge”. After all, if Hitler and John Stamos owned a sporting goods store, I’d probably just call it “Hitler’s Sporting Goods Store.” Or perhaps “R.E.I.(C.H.)” if I was feeling frisky.

I’ll admit, Bill Maher’s Weed Lounge was nice; there was a lovely garden with huge palm trees and a fountain. There was a cat in such a deep slumber I thought it was stuffed. The place was so nice I almost forgot it was co-owned by Bill Maher.

Chill is not a word I associate with Bill Maher. I tried to imagine the kinds of people The Woods was meant to attract.

(dream sequence)

Two blonde surfer dudes are puffin’ on some fatties.

SURFER 1

Duuuude, remember when my boy Bill Maher sided with the 9/11 hijackers?

SURFER 2

Duuuuude! So chill. Almost as chill as when he had Kevin Spacey on Club Random as part of his image rehabilitation campaign after his string of sexual assault allegations.

SURFER 1

Cowabunga!!

(end dream sequence)

All in all, I’m glad I went to Bill Maher’s Weed Lounge. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have written the following list.

420 Places I’d Rather Smoke Weed Than Bill Maher’s Weed Lounge

1. The Verizon Store

2. Port Authority

3. An elephant’s asshole

4. Amazon Fulfillment Center

5. Wuhan Wet Market

6. Long Island

7. NYC subway restroom

8. Chernobyl

9. Hunter Biden’s sex dungeon

10. synagogue

11. Baby Gap

12. The belly of the whale in Pinocchio

13. Woodbury Commons

14. Waffle House

15. Edith Piaf’s grave

16. Citgo

17. Romania

18. sewer

19. Splash Mountain

20. Thunder Mountain

21. Brokeback Mountain

22. The North Pole

23. The South Pole

24. The Wailing Wall

25. Oz (the prison)

26. That island in Japan with all the cats

27. Green-wood Cemetery

28. Anthropologie

29. FAO Schwartz

30. The limo in Home Alone 2

31. Chinatown Fair Arcade

32. rickety porch

33. Archie Bunker’s living room

34. The Air and Space Museum

35. Hayden Planetarium

36. The Madonna Inn

37. Oscar the Grouch’s trash can

38. Melody Lanes

39. Mother Goose’s shoe

40. Popeye Village in Malta

41. Falling Water

42. The secret observatory in the Statue of Liberty’s vagina

43. The secret observatory in the Lincoln Memorial’s Vagina

44. The Obamalisk

45. Rainforest Cafe

46. The Vatican

47. A barge

48. Gracie Mansion

49. Melmac

50. Perth

51. Bangor, Maine

52. West Point Academy

53. Riker’s

54. that submarine where all those billionaires died

55. Kiryas Joel

56. Garfield’s litterbox

57. P.F. Chieng’s (the one in Paramus)

58. 7/11

59. Shop-Rite

60. VFW

61. The bar behind Crif Dogs

62. Certain parts of Yonkers

63. The water park at American Dream Mall

64. The boat in “All is Lost”

65. the IKEA in Red Hook

66. a trampoline

67. my dad’s mausoleum

68. Hershey Park

69. Leaning Tower of Pisa

70. Tanglewood

71. Bat bridge in Austin

72. Pappy & Harriet’s

73. a caboose

74. Brooklyn Cyclones’ dugout

75. Nathan Lane’s dressing room

76. Bohemian Beer Garden

77. Nitehawk Cinema

78. the rafters in Carnegie Hall

79. Nateland

80. Target

81. Alaskan Cruise ship

82. Coachella

83. Buena Vista Social Club

84. Margaritaville

85. the Black Lodge

86. the cloud where the Care Bears live

87. Grand Central Oyster Bar

88. Rye Playland

89. Crate & Barrel

90. Inside a big tree

91. L-train Vintage (gowanus location)

92. Prospect Park Petting Zoo

93. Keflavik International Airport

94. Mess hall

95. Munchkinland

96. port-a-potty

97. Penis Museum in Reykjavik

98. Musee D’orsay

99. Joe Biden‘a corvette

100. H&M

101. Tower Records

102. Bucks County Playhouse

103. Pepperidge Farm

104. TGI Friday’s

105. Pluto

106. Holland Tunnel

107. The Mojave

108. The Mario M. Cuomo Bridge

109. Hoth

110. Little House On The Prairie

111. the Italian restaurant in Lady & The Tramp

112. The Magic Castle

113. Carl’s Jr

114. Cheers

115. Data Center

116. Randy’s Donuts

117. AT&T InfoQuest

118. Jamaica Bay Wildlife Refuge

119. John D. Rockefeller’s Birthplace

120. The Baseball Hall of Fame

121. One of those Ethiopian restaurants where you eat the table cloth

122. Chuck E. Cheez

123. Check Cashing Place

124. Sunset Marquis

125. Best Buy

126. Covenhoven

127. The NYC Transit Museum

128. Georgia O’Keefe Museum

129. Flapper’s

130. Jurassic Park

131. Jurassic World

132. Tallysand

133. Tallysand West

134. The Academy Museum of Motion Pictures

135. Bagel Hole

136. Dunkin’

137. my friend Nate’s living room

138. Hedge maze

139. Japanese garden

140. Action Park

141. Storm King

142. Jack Lalane

143. Bemelman’s

144. Wayne & Garth’s living room

145. The Cloisters

146. California Pizza Kitchen

147. Ren Fair

148. Smurf Village

149. Nod

150. Greta Thunberg’s boat (I call it the Thuner Schooner)

151. The first Starbucks

152. Carvel

153. Uniqlo fitting roon

154. Dick’s Sporting Goods

155. Luigi’s Castle

156. Radio City

157. bottom of a well

158. JFK terminal 4

159. my ex’s gazebo

160. the desert

161. Walgreen’s

162. SUNY Purchase

163. wayward shipping container on the Caspian Sea

164. the cheesecake factory

165. Burlington Coat Factory

166. Willy wonka’s chocolate factory

167. C+C Music Factory

168. Von Trapp Family Enclave

169. your mom’s house 😜

170. any Greek Island except Naxos, fuck Naxos

171. median strip on the Taconic

172. Ober Gatlinburg

173. a volcano

174. the tiki bar in Tail Spin

175. Gaza

176. Scrooge McDuck’s gold coin pool

177. Blinds-To-Go

178. The health food store i got fired from

179. Texas Hill Country

180. the last scene in Brazil

181. Abu Dhabi

182. Union Hall

183. Grizzly Bagels

184. SUNY New Paltz

185. Toon Town

186. The Grady Gammage Memorial Auditorium in Tempe AZ

187. Voo-Doo Donuts

188. the Pickle Shack in Park Slope (RIP)

189. Stonehenge

190. Paul’s Boutique

191. Grimaldi’s

192. UCB East

193. Knitting Factory

194. Joppa Road

195. WKRP in Cincinnati

196. the Road To Perdition

197. Hudson News

198. the Greenberg Public Library

199. Census bureau

200. The Beverly Center

201. Batteries N Bulbs

202. Great Wall of China

203. Robocop statue

204. Sephora

205. coffin

206. pirate ship in The Goonies

207. Comedy Mothership

208. Battleship Potemkin

209. Raymour & Flanigan

210. the county fair

211. Castlevania

212. the Cyclops’ cave

213. a dumb waiter

214. Nana’s Attic

215. Film Forum

216. my bed

217. Beaverkill Covered Bridge

218. Phoenicia Diner

219. the Spanx Store in LAX

220. my building’s elevator room

221. The Sierra Madre

222. The Double Windsor

223. the Jeffersons’ apartment

224. Randazzo’s Clam Bar

225. MoMA

226. MoMA Design Store

227. The Modern (MoMA restaurant)

228. P.S. 1 MoMA

229. MoMA 6: Ghost Protocol

230. Cost Plus World Market

231. Queens

232. Hermitage

233. Blue Pearl Emergency Animal Hospital

234. Ronald Reagan Airport

235. Brooklyn Botanic Gardens

236. Widow’s Bay

237. the Kremlin

238. solar farm

239. an octopus’ garden

240. Hades

241. Lego World

242. The Olive Garden

243. a mini-golf place. A mini-golf… course? Does it count as a course?

244. Casa Bonita

245. The Temple of Dendur

246. CB2

247. Wax Tracks

248. Wimbledon

249. The Dead Zone

250. Nordstrom Rack

251. Jacob’s Pickles

252. Downton Abbey

253. The Centurion Lounge

254. PetSmart

255. Joshua Tree

256. a van down by the river

257. Rick’s American Cafe

258. Cinerama Dome

259. Sharper Image

260. The Shade Store

261. Lilliputia

262. the set of Swingers

263. Brooklyn Crab

264. Pep Boys

265. Dallas BBQ

266. Lloyd’s Carrot Cake

267. Adorama

268. Gowanus Yacht Club

269. Dress Barn

270. Radio Shack

271. Bagel Emporium

272. Sunglass Hut

273. Max Brenner: Chocolate By The Bald Man

274. Hobbit Hole

275. Danny Trejo’s Donut

276. SeaWorld

277. Chalmer’s Big & Tall

278. Waco

279. The Magnet Theater

280. Fiji

281. Sportime USA

282. Daddy Warbucks’ mansion

283. Patagonia (store)

284. Patagonia (country)

285. HELMUT LANG

286. South Street Seaport

287. Katz’ Deli

288. Applebee’s

289. The Winter Garden

290. Sonoma County

291. Creative Artists Agency

292. Boca

293. The Paley Center

294. Oldsmobile Dealership

295. Pier One Imports

296. Dayton Nail Spa (downtown location)

297. Halloween Adventure

298. The Elmsford dump

299. Minneapolis Airport La Quinta

300. Chirpin’ Chicken

301. Chicken Feastin

302. that boat with Jerrod Carmichael in Poor Things

303. Central Park Tennis Courts

304. Machu Picchu

305. The Good Place

306. Bethel Woods

307. Niagara Falls

308. Beauty Bar

309. The Cobra Club

310. the set of The View

311. Elks Lodge

312. Le Bernadine

313. a cabana

314. Southern Poverty Law Center

315. Trump Tower

316. Paddington’s House

317. Top of the Rock!

318. The World Famous Roscoe Diner

319. LACMA

320. Tim Horton’s

321. The garden of Eden

322. Jay Leon’s garage

323. The set of My Two Dads

324. the laundromat

325. Punxatawny

326. Jekyll & Hyde Times Square

327. Russ & Daughters

328. the Yangtze

329. Dubuque

330. Purgatory

331. The edge of reason

332. Carmine’s

333. Comedy On State

334. Aficionado Coffee Roasters

335. The Lucille Lortell Theater Men’s Restroom

336. the post office

337. IHOP

338. TCBY

339. FYE

340. Chik-Fil-A

341. Westville Hell’s Kitchen

342. Satriale’s

343. Ablin House

344. the upstairs bathroom

345. the biker bar in Peewee’s Big Adventure

346. Washington Commons

347. Golden Gai

348. Burbank Airport

349. Soons Apple Farm

350. Elaine’s

351. Trenton

352. Momofuku

353. Momofuku Ssam Bar

354. Otto’s Shrunken Head

355. Ferngully

356. Williamsburg Brooklyn

357. Williamsburg (Colonial)

358. Hitler’s upstate bunker

359. Levain #nom

360. Far Rockaway

361. Alan Zweibel’s house

362. Paris Baguette

363. Rite Aid

364. Playa Betty’s

365. Liverpool

366. Fashion Bug

367. parking garage

368. Superiority Burger

369. Hard Rock Hotel

370. The Cincinnati Funnybone

371. The Skirball Center

372. Fan Girl Cafe

373. Siberia

374. guidance counselor’s office

375. Burger King

376. The Metrograph

377. the burn ward

378. QED

379. Brooklyn Public Library

380. The Jerome L. Greene Space

381. T-Mobile Store

382. Dough

383. The Museum of Folk Art

384. Amish Country

385. Pommes Frites

386. the E.T. Ride at Universal Studios

387. Lenwich

388. the Stranger Things exhibit

389. The Jacob Burns Film Center

390. Atlantica, the magical underwater kingdom where Ariel lives

391. Kossar’s Bialys

392. Harrod’s

393. Hunan Delight

394. The Elysian

395. The Elysian vault

396. Aruba Ray’s

397. White Plains Nissan dealership

398. Framebridge

399. San Simian

400. the Metaverse

401. Carlsbad Caverns

402. A1A (the Breaking Bad carwash)

403. Sam’s Club

404. Penn Station

405. Tai Pei

406. Pebble Beach

407. Bubba Gump Shrimp Company

408. the Windy City of Chicago!

409. Park Slope Food Co-op

410. Busch Gardens Tampa

411. UrbanGlass

412. Young Ethel’s, where I’m cohosting a show on September 5th at 1pm. It’s free.

413. Storm King

414. The Las Vegas Sanitation Department

415. the Broadway-Lafayette Stop

416. The Beacon Theater

417. Sandwich Girl Cafe

418. The Amalfi coast

419. Fjord Fish Market

420. Church of Scientology

My comedy special CAT MAN is streaming on YouTube!

Let’s face it, fighting with your widowed mother is exhausting. She’s a mean, vindictive little witch. So you need protein, and lots of it. Luckily, this week’s recipe has got you covered!

The best part, you can make it WHILE fighting with your mother!

Matt Koff’s Bunless Bun-Length Hot Dog

Ingredients:

One (1) Nathan’s Bun-Length All-Beef Frank

Mustard (optional)

Steps:

1. Microwave frank from frozen

2. Put on paper towel

3. Eat

When eating, be sure to swallow the hot dog whole. If you chew, your mother will have more time to gaslight you by saying your childhood was “not so bad” and how she “did the best show could”, and how you “used to be nice before you started therapy”, even though you’re actually still nice, you’re just trying to set some boundaries and heal from what you now see was an objectively bad childhood. Yet you feel bad just for standing up for yourself, because from a very early age you were trained to believe you were your mother’s one and only support system, a codependent phenomenon known as “emotional incest.”

Author’s note: You can also add a bun.

Without further ado, here’s 8 Birds That Simply Aren’t Worth Your Time:

1. Peregrine Falcon

   Falco peregrinus

Ummm, can you say lame-sauce? With a speed of 200 MPH, the Peregrine “fail”-con is one of the world’s fastest birds, and that’s just when it comes to putting me to sleep!

2. Bar-tailed Godwit

   Limosa lapponica

Yeah, I don’t think so.

Seriously, what am I even looking at? It’s like if Tweezers fucked a cinnamon stick. Awful plumage.

3. Rock Pigeon

   Columba livia

Yeah, they call them “rock” pigeons because these birds are dumb as a rock. You can even pick one up with your hands, not that I’ve ever tried to because they’re actually really gross. Plus, they’re always shitting on me. I really wish they’d stop shitting on me.

4. Osprey

   Pandion haliaetus

Can we be honest? This bird looks like shit. If there’s one bird I wish would kill itself it’s the Osprey. This bird’s profile reminds me of Christopher Nolan, which does it no favors. I’d MUCH rather be watching The Odyssey than this stupid ugly bird.

5. Green Heron

   Butorides virescens

Here’s one bird I’d like to fly south for the winter. VERY south. Like, to hell.

Hey buddy, Sonic the Hedgehog called, he wants his hairstyle back.

Also, it’s called Green Heron and it’s not even like a little green…?

6. Scaly-breasted Munia

Lonchura punctulata

Yeah, who doesn’t love a nice SCALY BREAST.

Also, this one is horrible at flying. More of a glorified jump tbqh.

7. American Flamingo

Phoenicopterus ruber

Quite possibly the world’s most overrated bird. 54 years later, and the American Flamingo is still coasting on the John Waters association. The worst part of this bird: If you’re looking at it, you’re in Florida. No thanks.

8. Crows

Not just creepy: ANNOYING. It doesn’t matter if I’m out for a jog or going to Whole Foods, crows follow me literally everywhere I go. It’s actually honestly kind of a little pathetic. Really terrible bird.

Early in my standup career, I auditioned at a famous New York City comedy club, one that I’d always dreamed of working at. I had a killer set, but the booker said, “you’re not bad, but you’re not ready yet.”

Determined, I tried again 2 years later. An even better set. I crushed. I destroyed. Perhaps the best set of my young career. No dice.

Then, I tried a different approach.

I started showing up at the club’s restaurant for dinner. Night after night, I’d sit there in the corner booth, ordering and eating as many of their comedy-themed menu items as I could. Silly Sliders, JalapeNo-You-Didn’t Poppers, and for dessert, their Signature Tee-hee-hee-ramisu.

By the end of the year, I ballooned up to 400 lbs. My body became bloated and tired. Stretch marks started to appear on my stomach and thighs. I developed hypertension and fatty liver disease. But still, I showed up each night, eating and eating.

Eventually, I got to audition a third time. I went back on that stage, and I kid you not: it broke. The floorboards buckled under my extreme girth. I was rushed to the Mount Sinai ER where 17 large splinters were removed from my body. To make matters worse, I’m currently being sued by the club for property damage.

My special CAT MAN premieres on YouTube tonight at 8pm EST.

CAT MAN PREMIERE LINK.

Watch it, share it, and don’t forget to smash that like button. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to finish my Ha-Ha-Hummus Platter.

Just writing to tell you some big Matt Koff news.

My special — CAT MAN — will be PREMIERING on YOUTUBE on FRIDAY MAY 15th at 8PM EST!

If you’re interested in watching the CAT MAN premiere, be sure to tap this delicious-looking button to be reminded.

REMIND ME ABOUT CAT MAN!

Wow, look at that tasty button. I tell ya, if I hadn’t had a late lunch…

Tune in to the YouTube CAT MAN premiere on May 15 at 8pm, where I will be chatting with viewers in the comments section. I love COMMENTS and I love CHATTING WITH PEOPLE IN THE COMMENTS. Don’t you want to CHAT WITH ME ON THE COMMENTS?!!?!?!

And of course I’d love it if you …

SUBSCRIBE TO MY YOUTUBE

…for more clips and wonderful content. We love content. don’t we folks? Personally, I think content is the most beautiful word in the English language. Think about it: “cont” and “ent”. What’s not to love?

And if you saw the special either live at the Comedy Cellar or on VEEPS, be sure to spread the word about CAT MAN ON YOUTUBE to all your friends who refuse to pay for comedy.

YouTubily Yours,

Matt “The Cat Man” Koff

My new special, CAT MAN, is currently available on-demand through VEEPS. It’s $9.99 and you get 7 days (in Heaven) to watch it. Don’t think of it as “supporting my comedy.” Think of it as “subsidizing my divorce.”

WATCH CAT MAN ON VEEPS.

Here are some frequently asked questions about my new special, CAT MAN.

1. WHAT IS VEEPS?

Veeps an artist-friendly app that streams live music concerts, as well as comedy specials by comics like Eddie Pepitone, Isabel Hagen, Eugene Mirman and me (Matt Koff).

2. WHY SHOULD I PAY FOR YOUR SPECIAL WHEN IT WILL INEVITABLY BE AVAILABLE FOR FREE ON YOUTUBE?

To be straightforward, the special will be available on YouTube in the near future. I hope you watch and share it, but I’d like it much better if you buy it on Veeps. I know I’m biased but I believe it is worth your $9.99. By my count there are over 60 jokes and the special is 40 minutes long. As a middle-aged man I care less about comedy than I do about value.

3. ARE YOU DOING PODCASTS TO PROMOTE YOUR SPECIAL?

Well aren’t you an astute comedy consumer! In fact, I am doing podcasts, and against all odds, I’m having fun doing them, wading through the podcastiverse like a mermaid, or a narwhal, or that horny fish creature from THE SHAPE OF WATER, which is one of those movies where you’ll like “was that an actual movie or the wettest dream I’ve ever had?”

Please enjoy some recent podcast appearances of mine.

• THE FLOPHOUSE: I reunited with my old pals Dan, Stuart and Elliott where we discuss stand-up comedy as portrayed in movies. https://www.flophousepodcast.com/2026/03/fh-mini-148-stand-up-movies-with-matt-koff/

• NEVER NOT FUNNY: Had a lot of fun doing this podcast with Jimmy Pardo and company. The episode clocks in at 2 hours and 35 minutes. That’s enough podcast for 5 healthy commutes. Take that, Male Loneliness Epidemic!

• I’M RIGHT, YOU’RE WRONG: Isa Medina is a delight and I had fun arguing about tipping with her.

4. WOULD YOU DO JOE ROGAN’S PODCAST TO PROMOTE YOUR SPECIAL IF HE INVITED YOU?

Honestly, I named the special CAT MAN so I never have to worry about that.

5. WOULD YOU MIND WRITING SOMETHING THAT ISN’T SELF-PROMOTIONAL PLEASE?

OK. Here are some rejected jokes about JD Vance’s appearance.

• man with resting peanut allergy face

• man whose head didn't get the memo that he's not obese

• Notorious G.L.P.1.

https://veeps.events/mattkoff

xo

Matt “Cat Man” Koff

This is my first full-length special. I don’t mean to toot my own horn, or as we say on Substack, “sub my own stack,” but the special is really good. I tried to make a special I would enjoy watching. I’m excited to share it with you. It’s available ON DEMAND. You can buy your ticket right now over at the event page: veeps.events/mattkoff.

What is Veeps? It is an artist-owned, artist-friendly platform. Which means that most of the ticket proceeds go to the me, the content creator. That’s especially good because I self-funded the special. It turns out producing a special is not cheap, unless you compare it to getting divorced, which I also did last year. Lulz.

Not only was producing this special cheaper than getting a divorce, it was more fun, too. Take that, divorce! CAT MAN was a collaboration with some very talented people who are very good at what they do. And it was shot at the big room at the Comedy Cellar, the Village Underground.

If you want to watch the special but are technologically challenged, please visit https://support.veeps.com/en/articles/10620317-get-set-up-to-watch-on-your-device

And finally, this week’s antique is:

an M&M phone with 2 horny M&Ms.

ATTELL: Hey, were you working in LA in the 90s?

ME: What? No. I don’t think so…

ATTELL: Oh, I thought I remember you from the clubs in the late 90s.

ME: No. I was in high school.

ATTELL: Oh, are we not the same age?

Author’s Note: I’m 43, and Dave Attell is 60. Time to double-down on the skincare reg!

Plug-O-The-Week: This week’s standup set is about why BEING SINGLE RULEZ. I recorded it back in June, back when I still had that new divorce smell. Get a pre-nup, guys!

Matt Koff: Why Being Single Rules

And finally, this week’s antique is…

A glass for HEINZ TOMATO JUICE.

When asked how he managed to live this long, he said:

“I stubbornly refused to give into the bad stuff in life: failures and defeats, personal losses, loneliness and bitterness, the physical and emotional pains of aging”.

Real nice. Way to shit on all your friends who died of cancer.

“Let’s face it, Hodgkin’s lymphoma made Grandpa Munster its bitch.”

Plug-o-the-Week: My special is in the process of being edited and will be out in March (!). In the meantime, subscribe to my YT Channel @MattKoffHello for new standup every week, including this bit about Ghislaine.

Anyhoodles, this week’s antique, coming to us from Facebook Marketplace, is…

…an autographed headshot of Chris Christie.

Plug-O-The-Week: Tonight Dina Hashem and I are cohosting a standup show where the audience can get free (unlicensed) therapy from comics.

Also on the bill: the supremely funny Django Gold and Brittany Carney.

This week’s antique is…

…a portable. Garfield-with-human-teeth-shaped radio!

I now know that, before I even think of putting my special on YouTube, I must win the heart of the algorithm. I must primp and pamper the algorithm. I must be there for the algorithm when the algorithm needs me. I must buy the algorithm soup when the algorithm is sick and binge-watch Love Is Blind with the algorithm.

In the meantime, stay tuned for updates and subscribe to my completely bare YouTube page which will soon have actual content on it, including my special.

This week’s Antique is...

…a baby and a weirdly small other baby.

Last week I had to follow a hot young SNL star at the Comedy Cellar.

He destroyed. Laughter boomed. Jizz flew. It was epic.

Then I went up. My opening bit got crickets.

Oh God, I thought. I am about to bomb and bomb hard.

Ultimately, I got some laughs and the set went okay.

Afterwards, an audience member slipped me a note:

“You did your best.”

This week’s antique is…

a clown watching his home get foreclosed on.

Before we get to the good stuff, some important Matt Koff updates:

• On Tuesday Nov 11th, I’m co-hosting a live show in Brooklyn with the hilarious Dina Hashem (I call her “Ha Ha Hashem”). It’s part of the New York Comedy Festival and it’s called WE FIX U: Standup Comedy and Unlicensed Therapy. We will be doing stand-up and psychoanalyzing (sp?) participating audience members. Please come ready to have your depths plumbed. Ticket link.

• If you need proof that Dina and I are funny, we co-wrote this Daily Show bit for Ronny Chieng about Chuck E. Cheez (sp?), along with comedy stalwart Matt O’Brien. Chuck E. Cheese for Adults? Ronny Chieng Explains Why That’s Stupid | The Daily Show

• I’m going to start referring to myself in the third person.

• Matt Koff’s special is currently being edited, and he’s happy to report he chose the right shirt.

ANYHOO, this week’s Antique is…

A pile of rusty keys.

¡Ay key-rumba!

I would like to extend a thank you to all who came out to see my special tapings at The Comedy Cellar last weekend. Under the punishing glare of the comedy club spotlight, I couldn’t make out who was in the crowd and who wasn’t. So I’ll just assume everyone in my life was there, including my cat!

I’m excited to share the special with you. It’s slated to be released on YouTube Nov 17, the Friday before Thanksgiving. If you like it, share it with your loved ones. It’s the perfect thing to watch with your family after pushing fistfuls of stuffing through your colon.

And now, without further ado, this week’s antique is…

…a deceased baby magician!

I feel inspired. If we can do this, I truly believe we can get a second season of Freaks and Geeks. Seriously, that cast looks better than they did 25 years ago! Let’s just say a Phillips screwdriver isn’t the only Phillips I’d like to get busy with!

Jokes aside, the fight is far from over. We still have to ensure that my upcoming comedy special tapings are sold out.

https://www.comedycellar.com/reservations-newyork/?showid=1759284000&fbclid=PAZXh0bgNhZW0CMTEAAacM-qfj4k5anj32JWP-lOK8yvomYbtHA9P3xIL8-ahk-d2fFBQrDfz6uu3mQw_aem_iG_sFxUlQo8HygXPQIRp9g

The shows are on Tuesday, Sept 30– one week from today— at NYC’s Village Underground at 8 and 10pm.

Tickets are still available for both tapings, but the 10pm show could really use some more attendees. I realize a 10pm show on a Tuesday is late, so I’m gearing this invitation to New Yorkers who can stay up late on a weeknight but also afford to go to a comedy club, like:

-College kids

-Trust fund kids

-Lively retirees

-Worker’s comp recipients on the mend

-Yoko Ono

-Night watchmen

The Comedy Cellar’s James Mattern is emceeing and it’s going to be a great show. Come on now, we can’t afford to let the Orange Emperor and his flunkies at the FCC win this one.

This is not a Netflix taping, a Hulu taping, a Quibi taping, a Shmibi taping, or, quite frankly, even a Shmubi taping. It’s an entirely self-funded production. Thankfully, some very talented coworkers of mine from The Daily Show are lending their talents, such as Asad Bokhari, Becca Gialanella, David Paul Meyer, Lucas Cooperman, George “Award-Winning Pedro Pascal Lookalike” Gountas, and more.

You know how you’re always like “I should see more comedy specials with lighting design by guys who look like Pedro Pascal?” Well, this is your chance.

It’s going to be a fun night. And, because I have virtually no social media following (my bad), please consider spreading the word.

Finally, here are three jokes that are NOT going to be in the special. Not because I don’t think they’re funny. It’s just that nobody else laughs when I say them.

1. In a past life I was a shark. Ah, to be young, dumb, and full of chum.

2. Say what you will about Jeffrey Dahmer: he had a big heart… every morning with coffee.

3. Did you hear Fat Albert became a Nazi? His catchphrase is HEIL HEIL HEIL.

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Well, let me tell you!

This Thursday May 15th, I’m co-hosting a show with my very funny pal Dina Hashem. It’s called “WE FIX U: Stand-up Comedy and Unlicensed Therapy.” It’s Union Hall in Brooklyn.

The show will feature sets from three of our favorite comics: Liza Treyger, Mike Recine, and Emmy Blotnick.

Between acts, Dina and I will be offering free therapy mini-sessions to participating audience members. (However, we will have QR codes if you feel like Venmo-ing us.) Are we formally trained? Of course not. Since when do artists need training? So think of what’s ailing you and don’t forget to get a ticket.

And speaking of big shows, mark your calendars! I am taping my first ever special on Tuesday, September 30th at the Comedy Cellar’s Village Underground. Ticket will go onsale two months out.

“But what’s going on with Matt… medically?”

As far as I can tell, the process of growing old is one of slowly losing moisture until you crumble and turn to sand.

I bent over the other day and felt a pain near my butt. Obviously my first thought was, “Oh no, my Free Luigi tattoo is infected.”

I got an MRI and my doctor explained that as you age, you lose spinal fluid, causing your vertebrae to dry up and become more brittle, increasing your risk of injury.

That’s right, folks. Like the Great Salt Lake, your boy Matty K is drying up. I’ve got a ticket to Raisintown and I’m afraid it’s one-way.

Learning about my fluid loss made me sad, because if I had known about this fluid in the first place, I would have shown it off more. Bragged, even. In college I would have said, “Hey ladies, check out my moist, juicy spine. Swish swish! Swish swish!”

If you’re young, please savor your succulent bones before they evaporate. We’re born with Capri-Suns in our backs, and we don’t even know it.

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Mark your calendars. On Tuesday September 30th I’m recording my first ever stand-up special at The Comedy Cellar right here in New York City. It’s going to be a big night with fun surprises, special guests, and my most idiotic material to date. I hope you can make it. Please spread the word. Links to follow.

In the meantime, I’m hitting the road to prep, starting with shows in Minneapolis April 19th and 20th at Comedy Corner Underground. Tickets here. More dates TBD.

If you have a city or venue where you’d like me to perform, please respond to this email!

And now, the elephant in the room:

1. YES, I was at Dick Van Dyke’s 99th birthday bash

2. YES, we made out.

PLEASE be cool, TMZ.

It’s been great. I’ve been writing more, working out, and I’ve even started taking piano lessons. OK, none of that last sentence is true. It sure did feel good to write, though.

No, my temporary sobriety has me sitting on the couch, playing Sudoku, and wishing bird flu would take me now.

(To be clear, I’ve never had a suicidal thought, but I do think that if Death came for me, I wouldn’t put up much of a fight. “You’re saying I don’t have to floss anymore? Let’s roll.”)

I sort of thought doing Dry January would spur me into a healthier lifestyle. Instead, I’ve just been doing other unhealthy things to compensate, like eating poorly, spending more time on social media, and generally writhing in my own misery.

To distract myself, I watched the latest season of the Great British Baking Show. My favorite part of every episode is when the judges lay out what they’re looking for, and it’s just different versions of the same sentence over and over again:

PAUL: ”We’re looking for a really delicious cake.”

PRUE: ”What we want is a cake with tons of flavor.”

PAUL: ”This cake has to taste amazing.”

PRUE: ”We want something absolutely scrumptious.”

PAUL: ”This cake has got to be good.”

PRUE: “We want the kind of cake where you eat it and you go, ‘now that’s a good cake.’”

Anyway, here are some thoughts that keep coming up during Dry January:

Why am I doing this?

Seriously, why? I started this thing to prove to myself that I’m not addicted, and now, almost 3 miserable weeks in, I’m more convinced than ever that I am indeed an addict. The worst part is I couldn’t even come to that realization drunk.

How do people do this year round?

Some people never drink at all. I fear them.

Why do I keep getting shocked by doorknobs?

This month I’ve been getting static shocked almost every time I touch a doorknob. Not sure if this is an uptick, or if it happens year round and I’m usually just too schwasted to notice.

Stop complaining: there’s real suffering going on the world.

I’m going to disagree with myself here. All suffering is real suffering if you don’t have coping skills.

Without further ado: it’s the Schmuck Mountain Bird of the Week!

The North American Three-Toed Swinger

These birds mate for life… except on weekends, when they to go a party, drop their keys in a bowl, and see what happens. ;-)

If you’d like to see me do standup, you can catch me…

…Tonight, 1/17, on the Comedy Cellar’s midnight showcase at Village Underground.

…Thursday 1/23 I’m at the Comedy Cellar Lounge on the 9pm show.

…in Aruba(!) February 11th through February 13th at Aruba Ray’s Comedy Club.

I’m also headlining some shows down in Wilmington Delaware on February 28th and March 1st. More info/links TBD.

I’ll be adding more tour dates in the coming weeks. If you’d like me to come to your city, reply to this email and I’ll keep you posted!

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