when growing up i was one of those kids that always had a response when asked what i wanted to be when i grew up. sure the answer always changed but there was always an answer. dancer, writer, teacher, journalist and the list goes on. i always dreamed of being the girl of many talents. i never desired to be bound to one thing. as i got older i dipped my toes into each interest i had just enough to entertain the dream but never enough to fully commit. i wouldn’t say i ever got bored with any of my interest, but the next one was always more appealing than the last. this pattern followed me well into adulthood staining me with being a jack of all trades but master of none.

to a certain extent, i started see the freedom of having so many choices as a burden instead of an opportunity. the hope i once had was plagued into doubt. i was at a standstill. paralyzed by the fear of what ifs and what nots. i guess if i just kept all of my hopes and dreams in mind without pursuit, i would never really have to worry about failing at them. the potential of succeeding could dangle over my life for as long as i wanted it to, keeping my hope infinite. i became comfortable in settling for a life with no risk. with no risk there’s no fall and where there’s no fall there is no hurt. i also found that ultimately, where there’s no risk there’s also no reward. i fully convinced myself that i was content lying in wait for some sort of miracle to occur and my prosperity would be handed to me on a silver platter.

i don’t know what i was waiting for exactly but i waited. motivation? passion? luck? timing? i sold myself on the lie that at the right moment everything would work out the way it was supposed to. could i find a way to beat fate and manufacture guaranteed success? i would like to think that my hesitation to go forward with things in life comes from my fear of uncertainty rather than my laziness. the further i would go the harder it was for me to envision the finish line. would all the time and passion committed be for nothing? would if i wasn’t as good as my peers? each time i started up something new i would go far enough to hear the praise for starting but never quite made it it the end. by the time someone would ask about what i once worked towards, i would have a new dream to present in replacement and the cycle continued.

with years wasted of flirting with the idea of living but lack of performance, a new fear has been birthed. the fear of doing nothing. although in mind i have tasted bits of everything i wanted to do it was never enough to satisfy me. as life continues to go on i’ve come to the conclusion that i fear a stationery life more than a life where failure is a potential option. when you’re young you associate the word fail / failure / failing with everything you wish to avoid. now as i am an adult i find myself wishing to fail. i’ve come to learn that proof of failure is proof of living. proof of trying. proof of risk taking. to not be held prisoner to my own dread of uncertainty has caused failing to feel more like swimming instead of drowning.

i like to remember from time to time that the only way out is through. i would never be able to see outcome of working towards anything if i always gave up. clarity can only be found through execution and action. i have to continually ask myself if i am more comfortable with the uncertainty of never trying or the uncertainty of knowing what came from attempting? i am able to be present in the pursuit of not only success but joy. i’ve taken delight in knowing that i am privileged to fail, learn and experience life over and over again.

there are many questions that i repeatedly ask myself every time the thought of building a relationship creeps up on me, one of them being what do i really want out this? i don’t think anybody necessarily wants to be alone and that’s proven based off of how addicted we are to being connected whether that be platonically or romantically through socials. i think we crave community and connection and strive to get it in whatever way we can without necessarily feeling the need to deepen that said connection. the feeling of having someone to do things with or to talk to can be great but does the feeling stay the same when it has to be reciprocated? as much as we want someone else to desire us do we truly want to desire them? do we even really want to be desired or just prove that we are capable of being wanted in any capacity? im finding that there is no longer a sense of wanting to pursue someone for the sake of learning and growing with them but to use others simply as bodies. bodies that prove that we are attractive, likeable and interesting enough to others.

i myself am guilty of this. the idea of being wanted and cared for fascinates me much more than the idea of having to take the time to learn who someone truly is and accept them for who they are and not the version of them that i have perfectly curated in mind. all while expecting them to embrace me as i am of course. after all of the media driven expectations i had worn off i learned that love was NOT like the movies, ( unless you’re talking about the Before Sunrise trilogy) as it became less appealing. to come to the understanding that love in all forms is usually given without effort but takes hard work to maintain frightened me. sometimes i still find myself annoyed at the sacrifices and inconveniences of preserving a relationship but am motivated by the mutual effort put in by the people i love. yes i know how that sounds and i would like to think that i am not alone in that thought.

the weight of developing a true relationship with anybody in any regard requires a vulnerability and risk of embarrassment that most people run away from including me. where there’s lack of transparency we have no choice but to try and fill that void with shallow means to bridge the gap into further nothingness disguised as intimacy. whether we are talking about shallow means as sex or void texting its all the same. using repetitive interactive tactic, mistaking repetition or constant contact as growth leaving outlets like social media to do all the heavy lifting when it comes to actually getting to know a person. in settling for these surface level relationships, we tell ourselves that its okay that nobody really knows us and we don’t have to really know anyone either. its a win win situation as we don’t have to open up but still gain the validation of knowing that we deemed wanted and or liked by another person.

the fear of rejection and or humiliation i believe is what drives this ideology into full force. by not giving things our all we dont have to be disappointed when we things don’t go as we may have wanted. if someone doesn’t want to commit to you in a relationship its okay because they swiped right on your hinge profile and would still hook up with you at least once. if you don’t actually feel like having a conversation with another person about how they are doing you can just follow their socials and idly wait every life update. this is the life we have settled for. to protect our pride and feelings we have traded a life of depth for comfort. to internalize that nothing is embarrassing in pursuit of human connection is something i hope we are all able to conduct to slow down the generation of a completely vain and soulless society.