My version of Green Day’s Wake Me Up When September Ends would actually be Wake Me Up When August Ends. August often feels like a collection of long, dragging days filled with humidity and mosquito bites. However, I am happy to report that this August was an overall good one. The big boys started kindergarten (!), Alden started preschool, and Josh and I celebrated ten years of marriage. Ten! A decade! Two whole hands!!! Here is a poem I wrote about it:

On the evening of our anniversary we went to dinner at Mozelle’s where I had the most deeelicious salmon with a coconut curry sauce. (Shoutout to my mom for sending us a Mozelle’s gift card! <3)

I wish I had some exciting dinner recipes to share with you, but we’ve mostly just been rotating through staples that I can make with my eyes closed—stir fry, crockpot bbq chicken, pizza. It works! Also, if you are looking for the Best Cookie Recipe Ever, look no further. Sally is the uncontested QUEEN.

As the days get shorter, I find myself wanting to snuggle up on the couch and get lost in a show or movie once the kids go to bed. Josh and I are still watching Abbott Elementary and it is still a delight. I love Janine Teagues to no end. We also watched Everything Everywhere All at Once which was… trippy. Kind of a Matrix meets Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon type of feel.

Speaking of trippy, I hopped on the Yesteryear bandwagon and rode that thing to the very last page. Um… what on earth?! I’m not sure how I feel about it. I won’t wholeheartedly recommend the book, mostly because a lot of the writing is so vulgar. At the same time, it was an absolute page-turner and made me think more deeply about the potential deadliness of the performative, influencer culture we’re living in. If anyone wants to chat about it, let me know!

In fashion (lol) news, I snagged this dress in yellow for $12 and have been wearing it nonstop. It’s sooo comfy. When I’m not wearing flowy dresses, I’m pulling on these maternity bike shorts and whatever oversized t-shirt I can find that’s clean. On pool days, I’m wearing this workhorse of a bathing suit that has carried me through the entire summer.

The big boys started kindergarten in August and, naturally, I have a lot of feelings about it. Mostly, I am so, so proud of them for going out into the world and learning and trying new things and making new friends. Just writing that sentence makes me tear up!

The transition has been much better than I expected, and for that I am grateful. They seem excited to go to school every day and even more excited to come home and tell me all about it. I do feel a bit more on the sidelines of their lives, which makes me sad. But I also have so much peace about it because I can see their confidence blooming and their excitement for learning growing. Two things can be true, right?!

Alden is doing preschool two mornings a week, and as of this writing he has been VERY chill about it. I remember the older two crying when I dropped them off at this age and I would leave absolutely wracked with guilt and sadness. But my third child just waltzed into the classroom on his first day, shouted, “Trucks!”, and never looked back. I was obviously more torn up over it than he was:

On that note, it’s just about time to pick up that independent little boy from school! Thank you for being here, friends. I don’t take your readership for granted.

If you need me, you can find me plucking the last of the ripe figs from our tree, writing moody poetry, and reveling in the summerfall magic of September.

Thank You for bringing us to yet another new beginning; a threshold of possibility.

Be with our children as they start this school year with backpacks full of crayons and hearts full of hope.

Give them eyes to see You in all that they learn, and minds to appreciate the beautiful and complex world You have created.

Help them to meet kind friends and to be kind friends, too, with a heart always open towards those who might feel lonely or afraid.

Comfort our own parent-hearts as we entrust our beloveds to their teachers for the day. Give each teacher patience, gentleness, and wisdom in abundance as they fulfill their sacred vocation.

Thank You for lunch with classmates, bright yellow school buses, the smell of library books, children’s art hung on the wall, playing tag at recess, and the thrill of pizza Fridays.

We are grateful for this precious gift of learning, growing, and starting new.

Amen.

Did I achieve those things? Yes, eventually.

Was I happy? No. Not even close.

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“We don’t want to find out gender,” I tell the sonographer, hoping I have the self-control to actually follow through on this. She nods in understanding, says we will just need to close our eyes or look away at certain parts of the exam. The willpower of it all!

The baby’s head circumference is in the 99th percentile, surprising neither me nor my husband. We laugh quietly about it and marvel at the fact that our baby seems so healthy and robust. So real.

///

“Is it a girl?” Everyone asks me.

“I don’t know,” I reply truthfully, thrilled at the mystery of it.

///

“For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I will know fully, as I am fully known.” -1 Corinthians 13:12

///

When I feel anxious about the baby, I find a moment to lay down on my side and place a hand over my growing belly. “Please, Lord,” seems to be the main prayer in my repertoire right now.

Eventually I feel it. Subtle and soft, not fighting to be made known over three rambunctious brothers.

Flutter. Flutter. Thump. Thump. Flutter.

My relief is palpable, every single time. My other prayer these days is, “Thank you, Lord.”

///

Josh and I finish the final season of The Bear. I cry during episode 7 when Marcus cuts the caramel candle for his father. I cry again in episode 8 when Carmy texts his brother, every single text remaining forever unread.

When I pick up a book before bed, I am drawn to intense, emotionally gripping novels. I read Pachinko and then start Buckeye. I want only stories that feel real.

During rare moments of quiet, I can’t bear to turn on music or a podcast, preferring instead the enveloping comfort of silence.

///

Fatigue is something that presses down on me constantly, like a full-body weight. I take afternoon naps on the couch while the big boys watch a Disney movie. When I wake up to rolling credits, I’m groggy and disoriented. I drink another glass of iced coffee with cream, surely surpassing the recommended amount of caffeine for pregnant women.

Varicose veins burst up and down my legs like strangely colored fireworks. One day, my middle son prays for “Mommy’s legs to be less purple.” Amen to that.

Every night I pull on my compression socks, prop my feet on a pillow, and catch up with Josh. Sometimes we have good conversation and sometimes we miss each other entirely. Him, in his whirling workaday world; me, in the midst of the slow and steady work of creation.

///

Here’s the thing: I love being pregnant. I feel, for lack of a better word, expectant. Anticipatory in a joyful way. Set apart. Holy, even?

What I’m trying to say is that the veil feels thin here. Something ancient and sacred is happening inside me, and I am simply the vessel.

For several long, glorious months I get a reprieve from any nagging, negative body image voices still left in my brain from years ago. I feel beautiful in my expanding body. This is me, bringing forth new life. There is nothing to do now but wait, and rest, and wait some more.

///

During the anatomy scan, I see our baby open their delicate jaw, take a gulp of amniotic fluid, and swallow. I gasp.

“They just swallowed!” I yelp. “It makes them seem so… real!”

“The baby is real,” the sonographer reminds me, smiling.

In this moment, I cannot contain my joy. I laugh out loud, right there in the darkened exam room, tears welling in the corners of my eyes.

Right now this child is known to us only as a black and white image, a swelling belly, thumps and flutters throughout the day. A mystery.

But one day they will burst into living color, just like all of us who have come before. Wailing and alive. Known.

If you’re interested in some brief oversharing on my part, let’s get into my very own Day in the Life post. I’ll also be sharing an easy, delicious Trader Joe’s dinner recipe that is only 4-5 ingredients and $12 total! You can’t beat it.

Here we goooo!

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Scoop the water like ice cream!
Your dad calls out over the crashing waves
While I wave from the shore before jumping in
Just in case you need me again

Freckles speckle your nose now
Like vanilla beans in melting ice cream
And I wonder how something so exquisite
Got there without me noticing

See how the shoreline is always shifting?
The salty tide ebbing and flowing
To reveal new seashells beneath our feet
We can only bow and marvel at what comes next

This world is a gift too terrible to open
A treasure too precious to keep to ourselves
So every year we put on our summer skin
And dive in

I never know how to write publicly about pregnancy. It is a sensitive subject for me and I have a feeling it always will be. It would probably be easier to just never mention it on here, and then one day post a picture of the baby. At the same time, being pregnant is such an all-consuming part of life that it feels strange, and almost disingenuous, for me not to write about it.

So! I am coming to you today feeling vulnerable, and excited, and still a little bit in disbelief to share that we are pregnant and expecting a new member of the family to join us in November.

Below the paywall:

-Medications I’m taking

-Links to my favorite pregnancy outfits

-Some thoughts on anxiety

-And, of course, a poem!

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I have so much nostalgia for my childhood summers. Swimming at the pool with neighborhood friends, staying up late reading the latest Harry Potter, watching cartoons with my siblings while eating Spongebob mac and cheese and drinking Sunny D, making friendship bracelets in the car on our way to the beach… those were the days. I can only hope that when my kids are older, they look back with similar happy memories of their own childhood summers.

Right now I’m filled with Big Summer Energy, so if this post sounds overly ambitious, that’s why. Just know that come mid-July, I will be surrounded by a pile of wet pool towels, hair frizzed to the max from humidity, weeping silently to myself. Summer with kids can be a blast, but it can also be… a lot. A lot of together time, a lot of sibling fights, a lot of heat-related exhaustion. I created a summer game plan to get me through, which is what I want to chat about in today’s post! Here are the highlights:

Play
Water, water, water! My dad’s apartment has a pool that we will visit often, and we’ll also be making the splash pad rounds. On lazy afternoons I’ll fill up the water table in our backyard and let the boys go to town. Our favorite indoor activities include the library, museum, and YMCA. God bless the YMCA, yall.

Childcare
I have two weeks of childcare set up in the form of morning VBS camps for the big boys. VBS camps are so affordable, and we’ve had great experiences with them in the past. I love that my kids get to meet new friends, have new experiences, and learn more about Scripture… all for ~$20 a week. ;) We will also do a few days of “grandma camp” with my mother-in-law, who is a teacher and has summers off.

Food
Why oh why are 90% of my days spent making and/or cleaning up food?! The mental load of it all can really weigh on me. I decided to make a loose menu for the summer:

-Breakfast – overnight oats or Eggo waffle + egg bites

-Lunch – sandwich, chips/pretzels, fruit

-Snack – string cheese or granola bar… or really anything we have in our snack cabinet at the time

-Dinner – rotation!
Monday – Salmon + rice + salad
Tuesday – Crockpot meal (like this one!) + sides
Wednesday – Josh grills
Thursday – Leftover crockpot meal
Friday – Josh makes dinner while I’m at work
Saturday/Sunday – ??? go with God my beloveds

Television
I’m going to be real with you: my big kids watch TV every day. After lunch I put Alden down for a nap, read for a bit with Kyeler and CJ, then pop on a show. It is my one true “break” of the day and I love it. While the boys are watching TV I usually lay on the couch with them and rest. On a higher energy day (lol, what are those?) I’ll do some chores around the house or start prepping dinner. A few of our favorite shows: Wild Kratts on PBS, Molly of Denali on PBS, Tumble Leaf on Prime, Gumboot Kids on Prime.

Vacation
As of now we have one big vacation planned with Josh’s side of the family. They are super generous and take all of the kids + grandkids to the beach for a week every summer. I’m also spending two nights at Great Wolf Lodge with the kids and my mom, anddd Josh and I are planning a potential train trip up to DC… TBD!

Reading
I saved the best for last! Does anyone else remember doing summer reading programs at their library? And then the prize was like… a pencil, but you were so excited? Good times. This summer I am really hoping to get my hands on the Emma M. Lion series. I’ve been hearing such good things! Currently I’m in possession of an embarrassment of riches that I cannot wait to work my way through, including Theo of Golden by Allen Levi, Pachinko by Min Jin Lee, and Brawler by Lauren Groff. Josh and I are also doing a summer book club through our church and we’ll be reading The Duties of Parents by J.C. Ryle.

The big boys are really into the Dog Man comic books lately, so I’m sure this summer will include our fair share of those. I also have some chapter book read-a-louds on deck for them… most notably Little House on the Prairie, because those are my favorite.

Alden is still deep in his Chicka Chicka Boom Boom era and will occasionally shout “coconut tree!” at us, apropos of nothing. He’s also obsessed with anything Little Blue Truck. I kind of am, too. :)

Honorable mentions:
-Cold brew. Nothing hits better than cold brew + cream in the summer. I like to make my own using the Toddy.
-Spray bottles filled with water. The boys can water our plants, themselves, each other… whatever their hearts desire!
-Miss Mouth’s stain treater. Self-explanatory! If this post had a sponsor, I can only hope Miss Mouth’s would be it.
-Summer sewing plans: this top and bottom set for the boys + another Skyline dress for me!
-Kinetic sand. This keeps my kids occupied for ages. I learned my lesson, though, and now have a strict Outside Only rule. ;)
-Outshine cherry limeade popsicles. The best flavor!

I might have just made myself *more* overwhelmed by writing this post. Whoops. But it’s gonna be fun you guys (she says to herself)! Gooooo parents!!!

Tell me—what are your summer plans?! Any fun activities I need to know about??

xoxo :)

This is the post I’ve been wanting to write for awhile now but a) was too nervous and b) never accurately tracked our grocery spending (oops). I’m still nervous to write this—something about money talk feels so vulnerable—but I’m happy to report that I did track every single penny we spent on food and groceries in April! Let’s get into it.

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Making meals and appointments
And nut-free snacks
And—yes—more meals

Signing up for soccer
And reading the same book over and over
And asking did you brush your teeth?

Remembering deadlines
And medications
And teacher appreciation gifts

Shouting I love you! at dropoff
And carrying a constant supply of band-aids
And knowing exactly where that favorite shirt is

Crying with your son’s counselor
And checking in about your friend’s appointment
And waking up to do it all again tomorrow

Even as you battle morning sickness
Or labor pains
Or the constant ache of infertility

I see you trying to juggle it all
And dropping the ball
But picking it right back up again

To all the mothers
With heads spinning like the laundry cycle
And worries stacked up like dirty dishes

May your feet stay planted
Firmly on the ground where your children play

May you feel eternally loved
Even as you pour out your love for others

And may you know that you are always held
Even as you hold so much

I’m realizing that there is very little immediate gratification when it comes to gardening. I suppose this is true of anything we set out to grow. Babies, friendships, wildflowers. They require quiet nurturing; patience and persistence. But when you finally start seeing those first timid fruits of your labor…! There’s nothing like it.

As I’m writing (/processing), I’m getting the sense that this is the season I’m in right now. One of planting, nurturing, waiting. It feels a little uncomfortable at times, but mostly good. Mostly just right.

What is everyone reading these days? I think I read my favorite book of the year, and yes I know it’s only April!

The Bright Years by Sarah Damoff is an absolute masterpiece. A story about marriage, motherhood, brokenness, redemption… a story about life, really. Here is one of my favorite lines that I cannot stop thinking about:

“Her heart is buried in the darkness of the earth, but it is also buried in the darkness of my body. Everyone says ‘gone but not forgotten,’ though it’s ultimately the other way around: generations later, a mother is forgotten but not gone, a pulse in the bodies birthed from her love.”

CHILLS! I cannot imagine reading a better book this year, but maybe my library holds will surprise me.

In other exciting news, I found the best brownie recipe ever. And, you guys, it’s… healthy? Maybe I’m going crazy, but I swear this is better than the boxed Ghirardelli mix. I’ve also tried the recipe with peanut butter and it works just as well, if not better. This goes without saying, but don’t skimp on the chocolate chips!

(P.S. Brownies are great, but does anyone know what I should make for dinner??)

I’ve talked about this before, but we are now officially in our Legos Era, and a friend just graciously gifted us their old Lego/train table! We moved heaven and earth (aka all our furniture) to make this thing fit, and I think it will be 100% worth it.

As the seasons shift, I’m feeling our daily and weekly rhythms shift too. One new thing we’ve implemented is going to the YMCA pool on Friday mornings. It’s really nice because I can drop Alden off in childcare and just swim with the big boys. One of my children (who does not yet possess an ounce of patience, bless him) starts asking around Tuesday how many more days we have until the pool. Honestly, I don’t blame him. I love it too. I love the echoey quiet of the pool area, the slight humidity, the fact that my skin smells like chlorine for the rest of the day… good stuff.

A few other rhythms that have been giving me life lately: evening walks with the boys on their bikes/scooters, grilling hot dogs/hamburgers, playing in the creek, having small group outside in our friend’s backyard, weekly counseling for one of my boys (might write more about this one later!).

ICYMI, I posted this abecedarian poem on Notes:

I also had a short piece of writing featured on the Coffee + Crumbs Substack! <3

Ok, that’s all I’ve got for now. Thank you for being here! I’m always honored that someone would take time out of their day to read my words. Talk soon! xoxo

“Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you…” I start singing. In the morning darkness, a Lego flies out and hits me in the shin.

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But the honeybees have given their lives
along with their venom, rendering them powerless
and dead at my feet. I thought the bees would kill me,
but the sword pierced their own hearts instead.
My children are still throwing rocks into the creek.
The tulips are still blooming. The sun is still kissing my skin
with its generous light. I am bruised from the bee stings, but
I am here.
I am here.
I am here.

The day drips slow like honey,
I taste its sweetness on my tongue.

On Monday we had a close-to-perfect afternoon outside with friends at Reynolda gardens, eating pumpkin muffins and watching the boys play football. The magnolia trees were in full bloom and people were strolling by on the walking path with their dogs and iced coffees. It was one of those afternoons where I was in awe that this was my life. The one I prayed for. Of course, in my prayers I didn’t realize there would be so many sticks that my children would use to smack other people, but alas. It’s all part of the same wild, beautiful life.

More of those afternoons to come, I hope! Ok, let’s jump into some March faves…

Right now I am reading (/listening) to Coffee + Crumbs’ new book, You’re In Good Company. I hopped onto their launch team and was lucky enough to receive an early copy of both the digital book and audiobook. It’s a gorgeous collection of essays about food, friendship, and low-key hospitality. The book officially releases on 3/17, but you can pre-order before then!

Most of my reading time is, of course, devoted to kids’ books. This is actually one of my favorite parts of being a parent—snuggling on the couch and reading together. Here are some books we’ve had on repeat around here that all my boys love:

Alden is especially sold out to Chicka Chicka Boom Boom, which makes me so happy because it was one of my favorites as a kid. There’s just something about the jaunty rhymes and all those big, bright letters.

I never click a recipe link faster than when it says “no bake.” These monster cookie energy bites are soooo tasty, especially with a cup of coffee!

I’m not sure this counts as a recipe but I love melting white chocolate (white chocolate bar + a bit of coconut oil in the microwave) and dipping pretzels into it. Sprinkle with sprinkles, pop in the freezer to set, and voila! You have a perfect little desserty snack. They’re so easy and such a crowd pleaser (the “crowd” being my 5- and 6-year-old boys). Whenever I bring them out of the freezer the boys yell, “PRETZEL COOKIES!”

Tonight we had friends over for dinner and I made this crockpot chicken recipe. I added lime juice, corn, and black beans and served it over rice. A definite keeper! I think throwing a block of cream cheese into any recipe guarantees its success, right?

I’ve been making good progress on my “practice version” of the kids’ Rue quilt coat! No pictures to share because when I said progress I sadly did not mean that the garment looks good. Just that I’m almost finished with it and learning lots of new skills (pockets! collars! sleeves!). Once I’m done testing it out with some thrifted fabric, I’m going to find a quilt and make the real deal.

We are officially in our Legos era. I get it now! The boys can play with these uninterrupted for ages. Even little Alden gets in on the creations. Side note: he will turn two this month and I am unwell. I mean… how??? It genuinely seems like just yesterday that I wrote this post.

The boys are also very into kinetic sand… regular sand… ALL THE SAND.

I just got a notification that this post is getting “too long for email” which is probably a sign to wrap things up. Thank you for being here! I hope that wherever you are in the world, you are noticing more light throughout your days. Talk soon! <3

That is me every single Lent.

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I am in a Substack mood today and the big boys are at school, so I figured I would hop on here and chat! Alden is currently hosting a dinosaur tea party at my feet, so it may take me a while to type this as I pop in and out of the party and sip my requisite cups of imaginary tea. ;)

Ok here we go! Five completely random things I want to tell you:

1. I don’t know what it is, but I will never not want to see someone’s Costco haul. We don’t actually have a membership, so maybe I just like to see what I’m missing?! This week my mom is in town and we went with her to the Warehouse of Plenty. Here’s what I snagged:

A few staples, a few treats! The “berry fairy” overnight oats were surprisingly good.

2. You know I always have a sewing update for you guys! Recently I made yet another pair of these creek trousers and I really like how they turned out. It was my first time sewing with corduroy and it was, happily, not as difficult as I thought it would be.

I also made myself a tiered skirt using this tutorial. I’ve already worn it a couple times and love it! Next up I am going to *attempt* a quilted jacket, which feels wayyyy beyond my skill set. By the time I finish it will probably be summer and I won’t need a jacket anymore, but I suppose it will be ready to go for next fall/winter!

3. Last weekend we went snow tubing in Boone with Josh’s family! It was a blast. CJ and Kyeler were the absolute perfect ages for it. Alden was… not. Haha but we sent him down the mountain anyway! Josh and I were saying it would be really fun to make this an annual tradition.

4. Kyeler is turning SIX tomorrow! How is that possible, when it was only last week that I met his tiny precious self in the NICU?? He went back and forth on whether he wanted a party or not, but we finally landed on inviting a couple friends over for pizza. Should be fun and low-key! For his gift we got him some more kinetic sand because he is obsessedddd. I have finally surrendered to the fact that in this season of life, there will always be kinetic sand sprinkled in various places around the house.

5. Sooo… where is everyone at with posting photos of their kids on Substack/social media?? Recently I’ve had a gut feeling that I don’t want to show my kids’ faces anymore. Something about it feels too… sacred? I’m not sure if that’s the right word. I once heard someone say that when you share a piece of your writing, it’s no longer “yours.” I think the same is true of photos. It kind of scares me to think of people I don’t know seeing my children’s faces. I could definitely change my mind about this in the future, but for now I feel confident about not sharing. I am very curious to hear other people’s thoughts on this!!!

Ok, time to get a wiggle on. It’s raining here today and I’m feeling kind of un-excited about Doing Things. But persevere we must. Talk to you soon! <3

CJ and I kneel next to each other. I place Alden on the wooden railing and he kicks his feet obliviously. “Candle!” he shouts, pointing to the row of candles on the altar. They are glowing steadily and I watch for a moment, transfixed.

Our priest walks towards us with a glass bowl of ashes in his hand. He bends to mark CJ’s forehead with a black ashen cross. Then mine. Then Alden’s. He has to brush Alden’s soft red hair off his forehead first. From dust you came, and to dust you shall return. I feel like I might cry, but feel embarrassed about almost crying, so I hold it in.

The three of us rise from the kneeler and join Josh and Kyeler back in the pew. The big boys scribble on paper and play with Wikki Stix for the rest of the service. Alden gets up and down from his seat, up and down, occasionally shouting, “Mommy!” or “Daddy!” and flashing us a playful grin. Josh leans over to me and whispers, “I don’t like seeing the ashes on Alden.”

The stark black crosses smeared on our foreheads feel like a contradiction to the sanitized, aesthetically-pleasing version of Christianity I have swallowed in the past. Or perhaps the antidote to it. The reality I am left with is as jarring as the ashes on my face: I will one day die.

The faith I cling to now is a stubborn one—a pearl of great price held in my grubby hand. It doesn’t deny death but marks it brazenly in the shape of an ashen cross. The reality I am left with is this: I will one day rise.

At the end of the service we sing one of my favorite songs, Dust We Are And Shall Return, by The Brilliance:

“From dust we’ve come and dust we are and shall return
Be still my soul and let it go, just let it go

Glory to God, glory to God in the highest
Glory to God, glory to God in the highest

Naked we came and shall return into the grave
Be still my soul and let it go, just let it go”

Afterwards Josh and I talk with friends while the big boys race around the sanctuary, immune to our reminders to “use walking feet.” Eventually we leave through the wooden double doors and go out into the soft night. It is past the kids’ bedtimes and we hurry to get them buckled. Although I cannot see the ashes on my own forehead, I swear I can feel them.

Some churches call this annual tradition the “imposition of ashes.” The word imposition refers to a burden, something unwanted. But tonight, receiving the ashes doesn’t feel like a burden at all. It feels, instead, like a gift.

“He’s only been on the ice once before,” I casually mention to one of the coaches. Of course, by that I mean: This is my baby and he’s only five and all these other kids seem so big and confident and he seems so small and scared! Will you please take care of him for me?

The coach nods and smiles, then shuts the door to the skating rink. I am now standing on the outside, looking in through the scarred glass.

A couple years ago our family started watching the Carolina Thunderbirds play, and our boys’ interest in ice hockey was piqued. I poked around online and saw that our city offered a free “learn to play” league, starting at age 5. I asked the big boys if they were interested, and Kyeler was an immediate no.

“I’ll be the mascot,” he told me confidently.

CJ’s first question was, “Will I fall down?”

I wanted to say no, of course not, honey! But that would have been a lie. A bunch of little kids who don’t know how to skate, bumbling around on the ice together? There will probably be blood.

“Yeah, you might fall down,” I told him. “But you’ll learn to get back up again and keep having fun.”

He was in. I signed him up and took him to the skating arena one cold, sunny Saturday in December to get fitted with equipment. Shin guards, elbow guards, neck guard, shoulder pads, knee pads, giant shorts (?), helmet, and gloves. All shoved into a giant black duffel bag smelling of sweat. (Did I mention this equipment was previously used?)

For the first week after we got CJ’s hockey equipment, he slept with it piled in his bed. Every night his small body clutched onto that red-taped hockey stick that had been sawed down to exactly his size. It was kind of cute, but also… kind of unhinged. Maybe it’s just that I couldn’t relate. I have never, in all my life, wanted to sleep with sports equipment in my bed. But my son did, and despite my inability to understand it, it brought me joy to see him so excited.

Fifteen minutes into that first practice, I saw one of the coaches gently take the trainer out of CJ’s hands and replace it with his hockey stick. My heart lurched. But, to my surprise, CJ was fine. Sure, he was always slightly behind the other kids in drills, and it took him awhile to hoist himself back up after a fall, but he was participating and having fun.

At one point I went to the bathroom and came back to see CJ clearly fighting tears. I wondered if he had gotten hurt or embarrassed, but wasn’t able to ask as I stood in the cold arena outside the rink.

Afterwards I asked him why he had looked so upset. “You left,” he told me angrily. “I couldn’t see you.”

“I was just in the bathroom!” I explained. “I was only gone for a few minutes. Remember, I’ll never leave you.”

CJ shook his head adamantly, insisting that he wanted to be able to see me during every practice.

“What if I have to pee?” I asked him.

He looked me dead in the eye. “Hold it.”

I soon learned that ice hockey moms are an intense breed. With over a month of practices under my belt, I feel like I can be so bold as to include myself in that description. We stand outside the rink in the freezing cold, clutching our children’s water bottles in our gloved hands, shouting their names as they skate and fall and skate again.

There is something jarring about realizing that your child—the very same one who made you throw up when he was the size of a raspberry in your belly—is now old enough to skate away from you and hit a puck around with other kids. That one’s mine! I feel like yelling, claiming him with my desperate and boundless mother-love, drawing us back in time to a moment when all he needed was me.

One week I surprised myself by banging on the glass in excitement when CJ scored his first goal. He looked over at me, beaming with pride, as I lost my absolute mind and gave him a wild double thumbs-up. Another mom looked at me and laughed. “You’re such a fangirl!” She said. I beamed at her. I really was.

Last Sunday before practice, CJ and I were doing our usual routine of getting him excessively suited up. Shin guards, elbow guards, neck guard, shoulder pads, knee pads. Jersey, gloves, helmet. Finally I pushed on his small ice skates, their shiny silver blades pressing into my palms.

“Mom,” CJ said in a confidential tone. “If you want, you can go to the bathroom during my practice.”

I laughed and helped him into the rink, his red jersey bright against the ice. The door closed and I was once again on the outside peering in. I saw my son start to play a game of tag with his teammates, immediately falling down when another kid tagged him. I wanted nothing more than to jump into the arena and help him back up, even though I knew he didn’t need me to.

It feels overwhelming to reflect on all the things my kids will have to do without me as they grow. Get back up on skates after a fall. Make friends in kindergarten. Heal from a broken heart. There will be so many areas of their lives where I’m no longer in the arena with them. But you better believe I will be standing on the sidelines, cheering them on until my throat is hoarse, being their biggest fan.

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“My kids hate wearing jackets,” Megan explained tearfully. “But when we get outside, they cry because they’re cold. It’s an unsolvable conundrum!”

Experts report that it takes, on average, 32 minutes per child to get dressed in snow gear, yet they only enjoy approximately 4 minutes out in the cold. Needless to say, parents are at their wits’ end regarding this cruel ratio.

In an act that can only be described as reckless, today Megan took her children out into the snow without coats or mittens.

“It was actually… kind of fun?” Megan reported hesitantly, sipping her seventh cup of reheated coffee. “We threw a few snowballs and then went inside for hot chocolate.”

Insider sources report that the judgment incurred from this senseless act is actually worse than the physical repercussions.

“My children were completely fine without their jackets,” Megan insists, though her mental state was unclear at the time of interview.

Stay tuned for tomorrow’s news when we cover the story of another area mother who denied her children an extra afternoon snack and, somehow, lived to tell the tale.

Ok… how is everyone doing?! This absolute madness of southern snow has me reeling. But we shall persevere!

A few quick hits:

Listening: Josh and I saw John Van Deusen play live this week and he was SO GOOD. I laughed, I cried, I became hopelessly obsessed with this song.

Eating: Ramen. Like, the Maruchan kind we ate in college. Why is it so tasty?!

Drinking: Coffee with Laird coconut creamer that a friend generously gifted me. Makes it kind of like a latte!

Reading: I cautiously started Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine, not expecting to overly enjoy it but just needing something to read. I ended up flying through it and it left me weeping (in a good way)! Next up: Small Things Like These.

Ok, that’s all from me! May your schools be open, your patience be plentiful, and your children be happy to play in the snow without their jackets. <3