I’m thinking about getting back together with my ex.

You’re surely thinking, “Wow, this is a grandiose return.” But hear me out – it’s not what you think. And if my former therapist somehow stumbles upon this, please keep reading!

The “ex” I’m referring to is football (American football).

You may know me as a soccer girlie. I’ve spent the last 5 years covering American soccer, falling in love with the sport, and hoping I can convince you to fall in love with it, too. You may have seen me on your feed sharing ways to make your favorite soccer jersey feel more fashionable. I’ve completely fallen in love with the sport and have dedicated my career to its growth.

But what many might not know is before that I was in a serious, long-term relationship with football.

Thursday nights, all day Saturday & Sunday, Monday nights. Even the occasional midweek MACtion. I was serious about football. Yelling at the TV like I was Sheryl Yoast (R.I.P Hayden Panettiere).

I’m the daughter of immigrants. When my parents moved to the U.S., they built their new life in New Orleans. My older brother and I were both born there. And in turn, we were born Saints fans.

When I say I was so in love with my ex, you just had to be there.

At the peak of our relationship, my NFL tweets went double platinum with me using every move within the league to crack a joke. At one point, I even had an alter ego: Saints Fangirl. We were ahead of our time as Fangirls in 2017 and would have crushed it in the era of TikTok virality and on-the-ground phone content.

There were blemishes on our relationship over time: missed playoff appearances, a Beast Quake in Seattle, a miracle in Minneapolis. I’d cry and we’d move on.

But in 2019, I had my heart broken (read: 2018 NFC Championship Game). My parents, my brother and his family, my aunt and uncle’s family, and I all flew to New Orleans for the game. I convinced my uncle and brother we had to be at the game. I knew we were going to the Super Bowl.

Then, we didn’t.

I was inconsolable on the walk back from the Superdome to the hotel. My brother and uncle, lifelong Saints fans, couldn’t even understand.

I knew we were breaking up.

And we did.

I came to the realization I was better off loving them from afar. I had to put me first.

Now after 7+ years of healing, growing, and therapy (no, I did not go to therapy to heal from the pain of sports), I’m wondering if it’s time to try again?

What better place to see if the love is still there than in the City of Love?

My boyfriend and I are making the trip to France for the NFL Paris Game to watch his Pittsburgh Steelers play the team I grew up loving. It will be my first time seeing the Saints play in-person since that fateful night in 2019. I’m wondering if the feelings are still there.

As I flirt with American football again, these curious feelings aren’t held solely for the Saints. At this point, I’m accepting all roses. Maybe there’s someone better for me?

My boyfriend and I are counting down the days until Paris. And while we’re there, we are certainly making time for the other football. Because while I’m thinking about my “ex”, I’m still happy in my current relationship.

So follow along here, on Instagram, and on TikTok throughout the season as I find out if my ex and I can make it work.

When offered a director title, I told myself, “I’m not fit to be a director.”

When asked to deliver a keynote speech, I told myself, “I’m not qualified to speak.”

When setting freelance rates, I told myself, “My work doesn’t align with the pay I want.”

I’m learning to accept praise and remember all my accomplishments were earned. It’s challenging and requires daily positive self-talk. I’m working on my confidence.

I guess this comes as a surprise to many. I like to think I portray myself as confident on social media. I do. But I also write affirmations in my journal and talk to myself in the mirror like Issa Dee. I’ve experienced enough gaslighting in my life that my confidence eroded. I started believing I don’t deserve good things.

We often hear the term gaslighting. It originates from the play-turned-movie Gaslight. Too long; didn’t read: a husband tries to steal his wife’s inheritance by manipulating her into thinking she’s crazy so she will admit herself into a mental institution. He manipulates by continuously dimming the gas lights in their home. Whenever she points out the dimmed lights, he says it’s all in her head.

“I never said that. When did I say that? You’re imagining things.”

These are commonly used phrases by a manipulator. I know this because I reunited with therapy when finding my strength to leave a toxic partnership. Anyone who has fortunately avoided manipulative partnerships or friendships may think, “It’s not hard. You deserve better. Just leave.” Manipulators create a false reality to make you feel needed and also meaningless and powerless without them (read: trauma bond). It’s harder than you think.

So, I re-started therapy to heal the parts of my life sabotaging my confidence, keeping me in unhealthy cycles, and negatively affecting my mental health. I did a self-guided course with a best friend and together we discovered and unpacked deep-rooted issues and patterns. Through these exercises I realized I not only had a pattern of unhealthy partnerships but also unhealthy workplaces.

My lack of confidence was because a partner made me feel powerless and undeserving of good things. I realized so did past jobs.

“My current company constantly tells me how good I have it and I would regret it if I left. They tell me, ‘No one will pay you as much. No other company will treat you as well as we do. You don’t realize how lucky you have it.’”

— Anonymous

If you currently work in, previously worked, or have tried to work in sports, you know there are too many barriers of entry. It’s a challenging industry to get into and stay in. Plus there’s not much room to grow. Many get discouraged and pivot elsewhere. Those of us given a chance are told to “be grateful because so many people want your job.”

I’ve heard this before. Employers say it thinking you’ll feel special and inspired to work. Actually, you feel disposable. Maybe that’s the intent. The problem is the statement leaves you questioning yourself, and any person who — intentional or not — makes you question yourself is gaslighting.

What makes gaslighting terrifying is it’s hard to see. You can know the flags to look for and still be unsure. Manipulation damages the ability to trust your instincts. Meaning, you may question if the gaslighting is really gaslighting or if you’re overthinking it because you can’t trust your own judgment. So we push through even if the work affects us mentally and emotionally.

We do it because we know we’ll be replaced immediately, making you question if you were ever a valuable asset or just a warm body. Because we have a job everyone wants and should “feel lucky” to have it. Because we lack the empowerment and confidence to know we’re talented and deserve better. Because a false reality was created to make us feel meaningless, powerless, and incapable of finding a better job.

We’re in a pattern.

“I constantly felt I had to prove I deserved to be there and began to overthink everything because I was afraid to do anything that reinforced the stereotype [about disabilities] that I was incapable. After a year of trying — and failing — to demonstrate I could do the same tasks as my coworkers, I walked away. Three years later, I still get nervous in professional settings and at times wonder if I’ll be able to make it in the sports industry.”

— Anonymous

I chose to go freelance as (mainly) summarized in this tweet coupled with the allure of being your own boss. Though it didn’t take long to learn that — as any business owner knows — freelance requires way more confidence than I realized.

I’m often asked how I find confidence to pursue freelance work. It always makes me laugh. I don’t? I’m also asked how I determined my value to set rates. I laugh more.

Within the first month of freelance I spiraled about my worth as a strategist, creator, and on-air host. Almost every day I questioned my decision and if I’d succeed on my own. I also questioned if others see my potential; and if I even know my potential. I started going through hypothetical scenarios in my head of not making it, running out of money, and being considered a failure. As my therapist says, I put myself through the pain of negative situations that may never happen.

The biggest lesson I’ve learned in my short time as a freelancer is I’m not the only one figuring it out along the way nor am I the only one questioning if I’m valuable enough.

The thing is: I am valuable. I just have imposter syndrome.

“Almost a year into my [former] job we hired a manager above me. He was never in my corner, never supported me, and made me feel like I had to walk on eggshells. I will never forget receiving a call from him a week before I was let go. He said, ‘This is isn’t the job for you. You’re not good enough.’

I felt so small that I didn’t even argue. I believed what he said and bawled my eyes out the second I got off the phone. That was really the beginning of me losing confidence in myself and the beginning of my imposter syndrome.”

— Anonymous

Imposter syndrome is the belief you are not as competent as others perceive you to be.

My accomplishments within the last year include releasing viral merchandise, creating a podcast, writing a piece for the Washington Post, being featured on local news stations, delivering presentations and speeches, and starting my own business. And yet, when people congratulate me, I brush it off. My usual reply is: “Oh, thank you. You’re just being nice.” It’s part how I was raised and part because I struggle to understand I’m deserving.

I shared my excitement with my therapist when I was asked to give a presentation on athlete branding. I also told her I had overwhelming feelings of imposter syndrome. I felt like a fraud and thought everyone would see it.

“I’m not qualified to speak on this topic. I only work with two athletes.”

She stopped me immediately.

“You work with two athletes. Period. Why add the ‘only’? Remember they reached out to you; not the other way around.”

Word choice matters. I worked hard to remove all toxicity from my life and yet someone was still gaslighting me; the person staring back in the mirror. My friends remind me that my portfolio of work is impressive for someone new to freelance. I’m learning to recognize this and celebrate every win. My support system coupled with my own inner work mean everything to me. They help rebuild the confidence I previously lost both at work and in partnership.

“I have no idea if it's because the sports industry naturally attracts "competitive" people but those front offices can be pits-of-despair-caused-by-limiting-beliefs. You need a strong sense of self and you have to be confident — or at least project confidence.”

— Anonymous

The irony is the people within my support system do it too. They also question their abilities. They see my value but struggle to see theirs. And vice versa. We’re all managing imposter syndrome because we’re all within the ecosystem of sports, a space that is historically unkind and detrimental to many.

A lot of us: settle for unfair pay, are scared to advocate for ourselves, overthink job interviews, question well-deserved promotions, allow being talked down to, are afraid to speak up when harassed, and the common one — stay in jobs making us miserable. Why do you think so many people are freelancing or leaving the industry altogether?

Too many of us have cried in our car on the drive to work. My specialty was crying in the office’s single stall bathroom. Too many of us have had ideas stolen or roadblocks put in place designed to make our jobs difficult. Too many of us have been gaslit.

A systemic-wide lack of empowerment, mentorship, and empathy in the sports industry created a generation of incredibly talented, smart and forward-thinking creatives with imposter syndrome. We’re a talent pool of koi fish swimming around thinking we don’t belong, wondering why luck dropped us in here, and not understanding why our beauty is being admired from the outside.

I once read a tweet I think about often: “Someone once said to me. You think that you don’t belong here and that everyone is smarter than you. But do you really believe you are clever enough to trick all these smart people into thinking that you deserve to be here if you don’t?”

If you find this whole post relatable, I’ll share something my therapist once told me: imposter syndrome is a belief only you told yourself. So practice positive self-talk, show yourself the same kindness you show others, and be mindful of your word choice. Do you call yourself stupid or dumb? Damaged or broken? That you’re a failure or don’t belong? If you say this to yourself enough, you’ll start believing it. You’re gaslighting yourself. Please stop. You’re smart and worthy. You belong.

A lot of friends in the sports space have recently told me they want to leave their full-time jobs to freelance. The common theme is they aren’t confident they’ll succeed; or so they’ve been told. Remember: only the most insecure try to dim the brightest light. There’s no greater feeling than leaving a toxic partnership or workplace. I promise you from experiencing both. It’s so liberating.

“Once you discover the reason you were being gaslit is because the person saw something special in you and tried to hinder you from tapping into it … tap into it. And when you do, know it’s not by chance, or luck, or some random occurrence. You are THAT person and you deserve all the successes coming your way.”

— Anonymous

Like a manipulative partnership, some who don’t understand might wonder why I still work in this space if it’s toxic. “It’s not hard. You deserve better. Just leave.”

I do deserve better — that’s why I went out on my own. I can choose the opportunities I want and say no to those that don’t serve me. I’m learning I don’t have to say yes to every opportunity. I’m learning my time is valuable. And that I’m valuable.

And why haven’t I left? A sports career is something I wanted since I was 18 and I quickly saw the ugly side too many of us find relatable. When I shared on Twitter I planned on writing this piece, I got dozens of messages, texts, and emails from friends sharing their stories. The commonalities in our experiences are disappointing. And far from surprising. I wrote this for them; for us.

I could walk away from sports. I probably should. But I want to affect meaningful change in this space so others can see a promising sports career. So they don’t have to cry in a single stall bathroom at work. So they can find the confidence to set out on their own if they want and advocate for themselves without fear. I want to help create the healthy space we all wanted for ourselves.

Because if I don’t do it, who will? Because if I don’t, the pattern will continue.

I majored in business, and one day our professor shared with the class that the athletic department was hiring marketing interns. I knew nothing about internships, what the word meant, or if I needed one. I applied anyways and got the job.

I’ll never forget the first game I worked. It was a home football game, and ladies, I was wearing heeled booties … and my heel broke. As in the entire heel separated from the sole. (I was 18 after all so they were probably $10 from Ross.) Too scared to tell anyone I needed to walk home and change my shoes, I walked around the game for hours on the ball of my foot. And while I paid the physical price for days afterwards, I’ll always remember my first taste of working behind the scenes. I wanted more, and from there I chased a career in sports. One I suppose I’m still chasing today.

My journey has taken me from interning for my university's athletic department to a summer internship with the Portland Timbers. After graduating college, I started my first full-time job with the University of Oregon athletic department selling season tickets. It wasn’t a role I wanted to do; I never wanted to be in sales. But, creative and digital roles didn’t exist at this time because social media had yet to evolve to what we have today. Young, naive, and determined, I said yes to selling tickets.

I was there for a year and a half before I moved to the Bay Area, where I live today, to work for the Golden State Warriors. I spent 4 seasons from 2014 to 2018 with the team managing over 450 season ticket clients. Any sports fan knows those were dynasty years. Steph Curry. Klay Thompson. Kevin Durant. But, as anyone who works in sports knows, it wasn’t always glamorous. I was at every single home game for 4 years, missing holidays, birthdays, and milestones. Seasons started early October and ended middle of June. Off-seasons were short and still busy. I was in a client-facing role so any frustrations or complaints were first brought to me, and I was too immature to not take it personally. After awhile I decided if this is what working in sports looks like, then maybe it wasn’t for me.

So, I pivoted and worked for 2K doing all things partnerships and licensing. I helped manage pitches and creative assets for brands who bought in-game placements like Nike, Jordan, Beats, Gatorade, and more. I was taught music licensing, retail licensing, and how video game publishers partner with the Sonys, Microsofts, and Nintendos of the world. I learned a lot, but as much as I appreciate video games, I’m not a gamer. I’m not the target audience, so being passionate about my work was difficult. To not a single soul’s surprise, I missed sports.

So, I gave sports another try but in a different capacity. I joined The Athletic and worked in both community marketing and social media. After 2 years, Blue Wire recruited me to be their Director, Communications, a role they created for me. And this last October, after 6 months with Blue Wire, I made the scary decision to bet on myself and go freelance.

For the last 12 years I've seen it all. Ticket sales, ticket services, partnerships, licensing, marketing, social media, and communications. I unintentionally collected all these different skills and experiences, and it's culminated to where I am today.

I will always remember my first cold call when Oregon football tickets went on sale. It took me almost 20 minutes to dial the phone because I was so scared to lead a conversation with a stranger. I was terrified of rejection. I would never go back to sales, but I don’t regret it because I learned to get over my fear of talking to strangers. I learned interpersonal skills. And also to care less about what people think.

If 22-year-old me who was too scared to dial the phone knew that today we did public speaking and interviewed people, she would laugh. She wouldn’t believe it.

That 22-year-old me also had a difficult battle with anxiety and depression. I know I had anxiety my whole life. We know it's not something you one day develop. But from childhood through college, I stayed busy and stimulated that my anxiety was masked.

My early life was sports, ballet, and school to then 4 years in college where I lived in a sorority, working 2-3 jobs and going to social events/parties. I never had to be alone because I could walk through the sorority and see who was home.

Then I moved to Eugene and was forced to be “an adult.” I worked during the day and went home to simply be with my own thoughts. It was uncomfortable and I hated it.

I went into a spiral. There were many days I called in sick to lie in bed in the dark. I didn’t know how to be with and by myself that I slept so I didn’t have to think. I was depressed and didn’t know it. I wouldn’t be surprised or offended if my boss or peers at the time thought I was being immature or lazy. Maybe hungover. I probably would have thought the same.

It got to a point where I accepted I needed help. That in itself was an uncomfortable experience. I’m first-generation Filipina-American. As any first-gen kid may relate to, mental health is taboo. We don’t talk about it. I was still on my parent’s insurance at the time but they agreed I should see a therapist if it meant no longer calling my mom or sister-in-law crying and feeling helpless.

The problem is I didn't go to therapy with the right intentions. I wanted to show up to my sessions and have my therapist tell me what’s wrong and how to deal with it. I simply wanted her to fix me. I didn't want to do the work myself. In fact, I wasn't mature enough to realize I had to do any inner work at all. So, when I moved to California to start my job with the Warriors, I didn't find another therapist. New job, new life, new friends, new city = stimulation.

I thought I was "better.” Until I wasn't.

Fast forward six years and between the start of the pandemic and leaving a toxic partner, I revisited my relationship with therapy. I'm still happily in that relationship today. I meet with my therapist bi-weekly and actively do the inner work I avoided all those years ago.

Anyone who has been to therapy knows therapists ask difficult and probing questions. It’s literally their job. My therapist says her role isn’t to tell me how to think or what decisions to make but rather to hold a mirror up to me and ask questions requiring me to look inwards.

After two years of therapy, I've subconsciously picked up on the skill of probing and now I'm often told by my closest friends that I ask difficult questions. I'm confident this makes me a great interviewer because I know how to listen and dig deeper to get people to open up. It’s also what brings me to part of my freelance work.

I'm working on many different projects and one area is athlete personal branding. I am so passionate about this because I strongly believe athletes are not set up for success beyond their sport. From the time they’re in high school trying to play in college to when they’re hoping to take the next step and play professionally, athletes are not encouraged or empowered to think beyond their craft and identify what they want to do if being an athlete isn't meant to be. At any level, whether an athlete chooses to leave the game on their own, or in the unfortunate event the game leaves them, that transition can be difficult.

I had a great conversation about this on my podcast with an NFL player, and he shared with me how season-ending injuries have forced him to explain who he is outside of football. This can send athletes into a spiral of identity and value. I've been in similar spirals before and it’s terrifying. It feels like there's no way out.

As I've learned more about myself and started on my path towards self-actualization, I've found a way to marry my love for sports with my passion for mental health awareness. I believe my purpose in life is to empower athletes — and all people — to identify who they want to be in life by holding up the mirror to them. Just like my therapist does for me.

I can help an athlete try to get a brand partner, but that’s not my motivation. My goal is to help set them up for success after sport. And avoid spirals of self-worth.

When I begin engaging in work with an athlete, I ask a few initial questions.

Who are you now? What do you want to be known for? Who do you want to be?

I ask these questions and it makes them uncomfortable. That’s not a surprise. They probably have never thought about it before. My hope is by asking I plant the seed in the back of their mind to reflect on over time.

The funny thing is: I don’t even have the answers for myself. I recently had this conversation with an athlete and someone close to me. Wanting to do more with his social media, he asked how to approach it. So I revisited those same questions.

Who are you now? What do you want to known for? Who do you want to be when you retire from soccer?

Then he said, “Megs, you’re always asking me these questions. What about you?” I laughed — because I didn't know.

This is my way of saying I don’t know everything. I’m not an expert in social media, personal branding, or mental health, and I'm not ashamed to admit it. I'm great at giving advice and helping guide people in life while also doing the same for myself.

As I help clients grow and mold their personal brand, they likely don’t realize they're helping me reflect and do the same. If any of them are reading this, thank you.

Personal branding isn't just for influencer deals or monetization. It's simply an exercise of identifying who you are, how you want to be perceived, and what you feel is your purpose in life. It’s also not only for athletes or public figures. Personal branding is important for anyone who has read this far. It can help you network and get a job. I’ve gotten jobs off my digital presence.

Above all, personal branding can help a person work towards self-actualization.

So no matter where you are in your life at this very moment, I leave with you these questions to ask yourself and reflect on:

Who are you now? What do you want to be known for? Who do you want to be?