“What kind of massage do you do?”

This is a genuine and thoughtful question that I haven’t always had an easy answer to. Whether because I was still working on my elevator pitch, coming into myself as a provider, or over time got annoyed that my responses didn’t really matter because it was an automatic small talk follow up question, but the well intentioned person asking didn’t really have much curiosity or context for how I might reply. Or, a bit more grading and also not always intentional, it would actually be a search for if I’d mention a modality getting some current traction in the wellness fads. The combination of all this meant I wouldn’t always meet this maybe in good faith maybe not inquiry, with grace or patience. Once or twice I think I even replied with “the good kind.” 🙄 So catty! Not really helpful or curious and essentially shut down the conversation (*caveat being that we all sometimes just don’t want to talk about work in some settings and that’s legit).

Really I just faltered at the prompt to give a quick, clear, and gentle run down about my work that wasn’t too laden with industry jargon or obnoxiously over explaining. Not knowing what people were ACTUALLY interested in knowing when they asked me this, I stumbled. In wanting to shy away from being a wellness archetype who can only talk about healing and woo to a suffocating degree, it’s possible I closed off the opportunity for a perfectly pleasant exchange about bodywork with potential clients and like minded colleagues.

Still, I could usually muster up a reply that I still use. Simply naming the three modalities I find myself using the most: “I blend relaxing Swedish, deep tissue, and myofascial release.” Now, I’m much more confident and have healthier boundaries with how I want to talk about my work in various settings. And I have more descriptors that feel accurate and objective, from anecdotal experience and receiving feedback. I don’t have to just go off of vibes or what I was hoping to offer people, which was probably another component clouding my ability to describe my work. Especially in my early massage days, I was still establishing that for myself and my clients!

I switch up the techniques here and there based off the session, the client, their needs, and sometimes even my energy level of that day. This is why I don’t have a lot of different booking types on my page. It‘s a more cluttered booking process than necessary to list all the different ways I work as different session types, when any of those modalities could be incorporated in any given session with me.

But perhaps this simpler booking process and once cloudy elevator pitch has hidden how diverse my capabilities now are! This past year I took a 64 hour Shiatsu class and a 125 hour Clinical Deep Tissue class at McKinnon Body Therapy Center in Oakland. Shiatsu has its own booking type on my website because it’s distinctly different enough to warrant the flag (it’s offered on a padded mat on the floor rather than on a massage table). But my newfound skills from the Clinical Deep Tissue class are still sort of hidden under the umbrella of my regular therapeutic massage booking.

Otherwise known as orthopedic massage, or sports massage, this modality uses neuromuscular techniques to get results addressing pain management, injury recovery, and athletic performance. But you can’t get to those techniques without warming up the tissue slowly (relaxing Swedish) and giving the fascial line a reorientation beyond the dysfunctional pattern it might be stuck in (myofascial release). It’s not my goal to be overly vague wrapping all this into the “therapeutic massage” umbrella, but those are the types of work I’m leaning on the most when you come in for a session with me.

I recently worked on a client in Berkeley who was training for a triathlon and we did specific work that increased her range of motion and created more ease of use. She was astonished by how much better she felt after, feeling more ready, spacious, and energized to continue her training, and encouraged me to emphasize that I do sports massage more in my marketing. So here I am saying it! Tell the jockeys at the racetrack because I’m just across the street! 🏇🏽

But do you have to be an athlete to benefit from orthopedic massage?

Certainly not! Our daily lives rely on functional and sometimes repetitive movement. Whether its sitting at a desk, gardening, cutting hair, or training for a sports event, our body is going to find ways to make those actions more efficient and sometimes those work arounds can create dysfunctions like limited range of motion or pain. Admittedly, I’m slightly conflating orthopedic/clinical/sports massage and there are some differences in their emphasis and approach to the body. But what all these variations have in common is using kinesiology as a foundational framework, assessing the movement or dysfunction, and creating an effective treatment plan. Providers doing this type of work have to do some anatomy math about agonist muscles and get much more specific about which muscles need what kind of massage to rebalance the dysfunction. Which is not a special interest all massage therapists go down. I do!

That was a rambly intro, so here are some bite sized definitions of different types of massage that I am skilled in! These are partly quotes of listed sources and partly written by me.

SWEDISH: A foundational study of massage therapy, this is generally referring to the work of manual therapy on muscle tissue and skin in order to improve circulation, relieve tension, and ease pain brought on by stress. Techniques such as effleurage, petrissage, kneading and tapotement are used in this modality, it’s most common in spas, and generally practitioners use plenty of oil or cream. – Sense Massage Therapy (and me)

DEEP TISSUE: Sometimes misunderstood as the “no pain, no gain” choice for a more intense or “productive” massage, deep tissue massage is really more referring to getting more specific work in addressing pain points and going beyond general relaxation. This might mean spending more focused time in one area during a session rather than ensuring the whole body gets some superficial, relaxing touch.

MYOFASCIAL: Working with restrictions, adhesions, and or trigger points within the connective tissue that is interwoven throughout the body and wraps around muscles. This modality is meant to release these tensions in the connective tissue by utilizing gentle, strategic, and slow pressure, typically without using a lot of oil or cream in order to create some friction. Sometimes this work feels more superficial to the touch, but its specificity makes it very potent.

ORTHOPEDIC: Applies to treatment of conditions resulting from any number of activities such as work, sports, or accidents, this is a systemic and effective approach to treating pain and injuries. Orthopedics is the branch of medical science that deals with prevention or addressing disorders of the body especially the skeleton joints, muscles, fascia, and other supporting structures such as ligaments and cartilage. A session utilizing orthopedic massage will still have other techniques like relaxing Swedish to warm tissues and myofascial release to make active trigger points less tender, and incorporating some active participation from the client for neuromuscular repatterning. – From Orthopedic Massage: Theory and Technique by Whitney Lowe

SHIATSU: a Japanese word meaning “finger pressure,” shiatsu massage uses hand pressure and manipulative techniques to adjust the body’s physical structure and its natural inner energies to help ward off illness, and maintain good health. Includes techniques such as compression, petrissage, rocking, and stretching, and working along the meridians, creating a grounding, holistic, whole body session. – from The Book of Shiatsu: Vitality & Health Through the Art of Touch. I also liked this little write up by AMTA about Shiatsu massage.

How do you know which is best for you?

Open your next email from me and I’ll share some more thoughts about that!

Ready to book a massage and get to know your body a little better? I am here!

step into my office

~ CURRENTLY ~

🎧 listening to: The other day I finished And Then She Fell by Alicia Elliot and wow. Wikipedia and I agree that it is a Get Out meets The Yellow Wallpaper. I highly recommend this mind bending novel that explores motherhood, mental health, ancestral trauma, racism, and finding some spiritual guidance from a cockroach named Pete. Once I started, I couldn’t really listen to anything else until I finished.

📺 watching: I’m trying to minimize my streaming costs and one cheaper service with a reliable genre I enjoy (cozy mysteries) is BritBox. I am watching Hope Street for the comfy copaganda puzzle solving variety of tv, set in a small town in Northern Ireland. So far my favorite crime solved was returning a group of homing pigeons to their rightful owner. Delightful.

📚 reading: I recently finished reading The Wilderness by Angela Flournoy and really enjoyed it so much. So much skill in her writing craft with musings on friendship, estrangement, grief, and the reflection that only time passing can offer.

🤸🏼‍♀️ for fun: still unpacking and getting settled in my new space, hanging all the framed art on the wall that makes me feel like I get to live in my very own curated gallery. Also saw a recording of the musical Hadestown at the Slidell movie theater and loved it!

❤️‍🔥 activism: going to attend a meeting with Eyes on Surveillance next week and started listening to the 404 Media podcast to learn more about Flock cameras (p.s. I do not like Flock cameras).

Feel free to click reply and share your movie/book/show/fun stuff/activism recs!

~ SEEKING TESTIMONIALS ~

If you have gotten a massage with me before, I’d really appreciate your feedback! I can only say so much what I think or hope or aim for in terms of what a massage with me is like for my clients, but only the folks who’ve been on my table can really say. I’d love to hear from you and with permission, share your thoughts so others can get a bigger picture of what working with me might be like.

You can fill out a form here and when that’s completed, you’ll be given a code to get 20% off herbs, prints, or pottery. Thank you in advance!

You can also get updates over here —> https://handlewithcare.myflodesk.com/newsletter

Thanks for reading! 🌞🤲🏻🏺

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It is an understatement to say I am OBSESSED with the gray/purple/blue/pink/orange/opalescent color palette that by some gay grace of Artemis herself, is the color of our moon!!?

There isn’t a terribly profound connection here for me to make between Ryan Gosling, how queer space is, and my hyper focus on this color palette. They were just all things on my mind and heart at the same time and then art got made. I am amused to share the slightly longer form of following some of these threads of inspiration. I hope you enjoy the breadcrumbs!

“amaze amaze amaze” - Rocky

“what is word for take risks to save others?” - Rocky

“brave.” - Grace

Wherein Artemis II and astrophysicist Chanda Prescod-Weinstein make very compelling argument for space being gay.

I haven’t read Chandra’s newest book: The Edge of Space-Time but really loved stumbling upon her interviews about understanding physics and the cosmos, not as an escape from, but as a channel to better understand and relate to our time here on Earth.

As whimsical and poetic as the Artemis II mission was to watch, it should be acknowledged that (as I understand it) it was not not inspired by nationalism, capitalism, and the objective to colonize the moon. Which, all in all, I am not a huge fan of. I heard an awesome interview of author and physicist Chanda Prescod-Weinstein talk about astrophysics and the beauty of the collaboration and appreciation of art and adventure exhibited by the Artemis crew, while alongside it is the complexity of American nationalism, a wholly harmful backdrop. Can we still appreciate the wonder and awe we got to watch by their mission even if the real objective of the trip was to expand hegemony and capitalism into space? I can’t track down that exact interview but listening to her on this one, I’ve landed on the idea that anything leading us to examine the cosmos and how fucking queer they are, is worth our time and is in direct connection with our experience on earth.

You can also read this interview with Them and Chanda from 2024 about how queer space is! Like, yes, we can criticize NASA but prefer it over SpaceX, not want to support billionaires destroying our planet while they attempt to create their exit plan to live in space, and still be in absolute awe and wonder of the cosmos and therefore the teamwork, poetry, and perfectly bisexual photos that came through in the Artemis mission. Happy pride, angels! Free Palestine!

I live streamed the landing (aptly called splashdown as their rocket lands on the ocean!) and wished I had been live streaming their trip the entire week. I know my dad would have absolutely loved to get to witness such an excursion (he was a Star Trek fan through and through) so once I tuned in, I couldn’t stop watching their return to earth and imagining that my dad was alongside me — where ever in space death takes us.

ANYWAY these mugs are FOR SALE! And I am preparing a move so I would LOVE to ship them to you! I’m doing a little sale for solstice/pride/gemini season wrap up, use code SOLSTICE25 on my Etsy store for 25% off!

And a reminder that I still have a stocked apothecary of tinctures ready for your cabinet. You can use code BESTIE for 20% off (because you’re a real one reading through to the end 😙). You can read a little more about each formula in my last post.

much much love,

Meghan

(p.s. incase you’re curious, the herbs live on my website and the pots live on my etsy because etsy was constantly flagging the tinctures as making medical claims and removing them and shutting down my shop (no matter how minimal I was with my descriptions because I actually don’t want to be making absolute medical claims). SO! That’s why two different virtual shops and homes for the various things. ta ta!)

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Back to the plants! Over the years I’ve completed two herb programs and been practicing different sorts of medicine making and formulating. I’ve packed and moved my cabinet of herb filled jars from one house or apartment to the next for three moves in three years. As I am starting to think about another move, I wanted to make my packing lighter, and remember the whole point of all these traveling jars! To create potent medicine for you all! Sometimes I can get so wrapped up in the process of something, I forget to launch the thing. Often people come across my herb blends as massage clients, but there are more blends and inventory on my shelves currently than what any one of my clients might need or come across.

Historically I have been really quiet about my herb credentials because I don't like being in the algorithm of wellness grifters and now ai generated health maha slop but that means I haven't curated a way for people to build trust with me that I am not those things and make really quality herbal medicine!

With all these formulas, I have done meticulous dosage math to formulate excellent blends and noted contraindications I’m aware of. Some recipes are from other herbalists and teachers, some I formulated on my own, bottles are poured and labeled beautifully so you always know exactly what’s inside.

Everything is handcrafted by me, informed by years of studying clinical herbalism. You can read more about my herbal journey and how I orient toward herbal medicine here. As always, check with your doctor as needed and feel free to click reply if you have any questions for me about what might be a suitable herb or blend for you. You can also shop SIMPLES if you are curious to work with one plant at a time or are an herbalist yourself short a few ounces of any one herb.

Everything comes in 1 or 2 ounces, isn’t evaluated by the FDA, and is handmade with organic herbs. My wish is for your cabinets to be stalked with herbal supports to bring you deeper breaths, softened anxiety, smoother digestion, resilient immunity, and a capacity to show up for yourself and your neighbors and get quality rest. Use code READER for 15% off.

CHILL OUT, LEGS

A blend of calming nervines with an affinity for easing muscle spasms. Great for sleep support. I made this because I have had years of exploring different ways to support my own “restless legs” and it came up in conversation among friends recently. I have mostly found that supporting my iron deficiency* has most helped, and doing before bedtime routines that wind down my mind and muscles for rest. This is a blend of herbs for exactly that, and ashwagandha helps with iron absorption.

*this isn’t true for everyone! check your iron levels with your doctor. this blend has a low enough dose of ashwagandha it might be ok to try out anyway but it is something to note. and ashwagandha doesn’t have iron in it, it just supports the body’s ability to absorb iron.

INGREDIENTS: ashwagandha, blue vervain, linden, skullcap, wild lettuce

GREAT FOR: tending to a spasm like restless, eases muscular tension, calms the mind for bedtime

DON’T TAKE IF: wanted pregnancy, very dry constitution, hyperthyroid. this blend very likely will cause drowsiness.

DOSAGE: take 4 dropperfuls at bedtime or when legs are feeling restless

CLEAR MIND

A balancing blend to alleviate brain fog. This formula is created by my herb teachers and is incredibly balancing and stimulating to our mental focus. Calamus and gotu kola support brain function and licorice and tulsi support digestion and calm, making this formula an excellent ally when it comes to the brain gut axis. Might be helpful when there’s a gap in your adhd meds.

INGREDIENTS: Gotu kola and calamus have an affinity for mental clarity and tulsi is uplifting with grounding licorice.

GREAT FOR: you’re out of adhd meds (this is not a replacement for medicine, but a possible support), experiencing brain fog, need to focus to meet a deadline

DON’T TAKE IF: recent concussion or low blood pressure

DOSAGE: take 3 dropperfuls up to 2x daily to support focus and mental clarity

GET UP TO GET DOWN

Get a boost of emotional energy with this blend so you can get up and get inspired and then wind back down for rest. I made a similar blend for myself just tinkering around with what was in my shelf and blending uplifting aromatics with especially grounding and earthy flavors. At first I used the rest of my tulsi and swapped lemon balm out because they are medicinally very similar and lemon balm is just is bright and mood supporting. This can be a nice blend for seasonal affective disorder, if the weather has you in the sad blues, maybe disrupting inspiration or sleep.

INGREDIENTS: lemon balm, mimosa leaf & flower, ashwagandha, and sassafrass tinctures

GREAT FOR: uplifting aromatics, looking for inspiration, better iron absorption, grounding, flavor of root beer with some floral notes

DON’T TAKE IF: prone to manic episodes (mimosa can exacerbate), wanted pregnancy, breast feeding

DOSAGE: 4 dropperfuls 2x daily for grounding inspiration

BRIGHTEN & DESTRESS

A beautiful and uplifting blend of aromatic nervines to soften stressful times. While we’re on the topic of brightening, this is another wonderful mood lifter. Something that can be so destabilizing about the turbulent times we are living in, is the “what’s the point” voice can really take over, leaving us apathetic and down trodded. The two states of being fascism most wants us to stay in. Herbs like this helps us remember our collective power, and that our resiliency, joy, and action together will be what creates a new world.

INGREDIENTS: tulsi, lemon balm, blue vervain, angelica, and linden tinctured in alcohol

GREAT FOR: you’re stressed! finding joy feels distant. your shoulders are in your ears with tension. sometimes you realize you forget to take a full breath. this delicious blend is uplifting and relaxing so you can breathe deep and drop your shoulders (and guard) a bit in order to find some joy.

DON’T TAKE IF: wanted pregnancy

DOSAGE: 3 dropperfuls up to 3x daily during moments of stress of overwhelm

POST TREATMENT RELAXER

A formula developed by renowned herbalist Michael Moore, to support one after receiving bodywork such as deep tissue massage, cupping, myofascial release, and other modalities working with the connective tissue and musculoskeletal system.

This relaxing blend is meant to minimize the soreness that sometimes happens after deeper work and help keep the body from quickly reverting back to physical patterns client and practitioner are working to shift.

INGREDIENTS: pedicularis, skullcap, black cohosh, St. John’s wort

GREAT FOR: your nerves are buzzing and you’d like the bodywork sessions you’re receiving to extend their benefits

DON’T TAKE IF: muscle relaxation is unnerving, wanted pregnancy, SJW: hormone therapy (especially estrogen), oral contraception, transplant rejection drugs, blood thinners, caution with SSRIs

DOSAGE: take 1-3 dropperfuls 2-3x daily after a deep tissue massage or similar treatment

LOVE BITTERS

A delicious blend for helping us tap into pleasure when we can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. Also simply a great dessert like bitters blend to support digestion after meals. If you love cardamom, also check out WINTER BITTERS which are actually great all year round.

INGREDIENTS: damiana, cinnamon, cocoa nibs, cardamom, blood orange peel tinctured in alcohol

GREAT FOR: you enjoy delicious things, or want to remember how to. you want to add a little something to your seltzer with a cute date or just to feel more embodied with yourself

DON’T TAKE IF: may need to decrease insulin if taken regularly, contraindicated with blood thinners (cinnamon), caution with pregnancy

DOSAGE: take 3 dropperfuls up to 3x daily to tap into pleasure, relieve stress, and connect

LEFTOVER BITTERS

Uplifting digestion bitters with a good dose of vitamin c and an affinity for dreaming. Named loosely inspired by my wanting to make a bitters with what I had left over after all this formulating + mugwort. It’s a delicious digestion support.

INGREDIENTS: Lemon balm, yellow dock, artichoke, orange peel, and mugwort tinctures

GREAT FOR: brightening the mood, supporting digestion, liver support, and tapping into dreams

DON’T TAKE IF: caution with pregnancy, aster allergies, avoid if biliary obstruction,

DOSAGE: 3 dropperfuls before or after meals up to 3x daily

ELDERBERRY SYRUP

Tasty elderberry syrup for immune support with extra vitamin c from orange peel. Delicious and delightful for seasonal shifts, back to school, or when everyone at the office is coughing and sneezing and you don’t want the bug that’s going around. If you got sick, try SICK SUPPORT to ease symptoms and maybe keep the illness from getting worse.

INGREDIENTS: Elderberries and ginger root decoction combined with yarrow, orange peel, and linden tinctures, and honey.

GREAT FOR: seasonal shifts, people are you are getting sick, you enjoy a sweet treat to feel better

DON’T TAKE IF: contraindications for yarrow are wanted pregnancy, kidney inflammation, and slow heart rate but dosage is extremely low in this blend

DOSAGE: take 1-2 teaspoons daily to support immunity. safe for kids using Clark’s method, taking the child’s weight and dividing the adult dosage.

RESTFUL SLEEP

A grounding blend to wind down a busy mind and body at the end of the day. A unique sleep blend with cleavers for nourishment and hawthorn to ease anxiety that manifests in tightness in the chest and supporting connective tissue replenishment.

INGREDIENTS: Poppy, skullcap, and blue vervain are cooling nervines that may ease anxiety or mental chatter. Cleavers added for mineral rich nourishment and hawthorn (leaves and flower) for sweetness and soften a quicker than necessary heart beat.

WHY TO TAKE IT: not getting a full nights sleep, trouble falling asleep when it’s time

WHY NOT TO TAKE IT: wanted pregnancy, caution with heart medicine

DOSAGE: take 3-4 dropperfuls at the end of the day to help wind down and get deeper rest

That’s all for now! Thanks for reading and hope you find something you love. Again, code READING at check out gets you 15% off.

xoxo,

Meghan

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In case it bears repeating, here’s some reasons to get a massage these days:

• relieve headaches and other stress related muscular tensions

• experience a shift physically so we can imagine change is possible

• deepen the breath, reduce panic attacks

• rehab an injury or provide maintenance for a new workout

• let someone else tend to you for a while

• learn more about your body

• tend to yourself so you have space to tend to your community, relationships, and where ever else you want to put your energy if you weren’t so burned out!

• have a reason I didn’t mention? I’d love to hear it, click reply and share!

I of course hope that you have found more consistent care in New Orleans than what I can offer with my sporadic and infrequent visits, but if you enjoy a one-off session when I am here, it really pleases me to get to work with you. And there are a handful of you that have said you haven’t found anyone else that suits your needs in terms of bodywork care and so as long I can, I’ll find a way to massage whenever I am there. Being able to have long lasting working relationships over the years with clients (and massage colleagues!) is a working and community component of life that I have really deeply missed these last couple of years. Whether we worked together very regularly or only a handful of times during my eight years massaging in New Orleans, getting to pick up wherever we left off is really a gift. I know sometimes we want to be a little anonymous or invisible when we seek care and there’s certainly value in that. And, letting a third magic thing appear, the alchemy that can happen in a space created by two people who keep showing up, is its own healing component. And sometimes that can only show up over time. Getting to work with folks repeatedly is something that fills my cup, helps me learn, and keeps me returning to practicing massage for now about a decade. And hey, if I still lived in New Orleans and you were a sometimes or twice a year massage client, so far my visits still meet that rhythm. Just sayin!

I love getting to do bodywork and as I pass the ten year mark of practicing massage, I have been doing a lot of reflecting about my growth as a provider. Why I still show up to be a massage therapist honing my skills, techniques, and boundaries, in order to provide quality, inclusive, and trauma-informed care. The average burnout rate for massage therapists is roughly seven years, so passing ten feels like an accomplishment. Statistically my hands literally have more palpation skills and experiential knowledge than the majority of available working massage therapists! There are not a lot of marked career milestones to this work, so I’ve decided to celebrate this (party of two, myself and you, dear reader).

I love learning about muscles and functional movement and helping people I may never see again. Whether at the spa where it’s rare to have regulars, or folks who maybe just come once or when their regular massage therapist isn’t available (I am also happy to be your back up massage therapist). Once or infrequent time together of course still has great value. It can be nice to pay someone to help stabilize your system back to a more manageable baseline and that’s the end of the transaction. And being able to see clients repeatedly is where I really get to observe what works and what doesn’t work for people individually. I get to witness the change that occurs with regular and consistent care and it’s really quite incredible! Some massage techniques that go a little beyond a relaxation massage for specific pain relief require more communication and trust (have I or another massage therapist dug into your arm pit to reach pecs or subscapularis or sank pressure into your abdomen to release your psoas? Probably not the first session tho, right??). When people return, I usually ask something along the lines of “how did your last session feel the days afterward?” or “was there anything from our last session you’d like me to change, repeat, or remove?” There’s just more space for feedback when we stay in a relationship, and I like that.

In running my own practice, I love that I get to choose the amount of time needed before or after the massage and can adapt how I show up for folks based on their needs. Sometimes these shifts that tailor a massage more to the client aren’t as possible with the bulk of my current massage work at a spa. And it doesn’t have to always be deep or intense stuff that is talked about out loud; trust can be built while complaining about the mundane things as I’m exploring all the muscles of your rotator cuff to see which one is bothering you. Trust can be built in quiet sessions while you practice advocating for your needs, breaking the silence to ask for little things like adjusting the temperature, or big things like verbalizing where you don’t want to be touched during your massage.

It was a beloved massage teacher and colleague who once said, “the relationship between you and your client is also therapeutic.” At the time early in my career when I was still foggy and floundering with communicating professional boundaries in my work, this was a revelatory and radical concept. I think it was opposite to what I took away from massage school, and maybe seemed too touchy-feely (pun intended) but it also gave me permission to honor that special third thing that can come through when we keep returning to our healing and have a witness to it. Perhaps it’s seemed too mushy or not a professional enough to share with you all, so I’m not sure if I’ve actually articulated it before, but you all have provided a sort of therapy to me just as much as I have to you.

So thank you! It’s been ten years! I hope I at least once helped your body or spirit feel at least minimally better at some point in time! Thank you for showing up for yourselves. It supports me, too.

In other news, here’s an array of memes and moments capturing some media I’ve been consuming and some art I’ve been making. My mom is a picture framer and we spent a day framing a bunch of prints I’ve collected at the winter print sale at Max’s Garage these last couple years. And a pic of my Albany massage office!

If you’re near or around Berkeley, CA, I still see clients at my Albany office on Thursdays. You can read more about me and book here.

For anywhere supporters, my etsy shop is over here. And ready to ship herbal formulas are over here.

I’m whipping up some icing today to add to a king cake I managed to find at a local bakery in San Francisco. Look, it does not entirely meet my need to be in and near parades and pals every 18 minutes for the next 24 hours, but it will have to do!! New Orleans, this is the ‘every else it’s just another Tuesday’ life. Making icing and writing love letters.

xoxo

Meghan

~ ABOLISH ICE ~ FREE PALESTINE ~ PROTECT TRANS PEOPLE ~

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Opening up today with a similar, and expanded upon grounding: abolish ICE, free Palestine. Any day you’re reading this is a day I’m morning lives lost to imperialism, colonialism, and white supremacy. May our daily actions big and small bring us all closer to freedom.

Alongside all the horrific and joyous things and events that are happening near or far from you, I am here again to remind you that you have a body and you are allowed to feel better in it. These exercises are a great neck release with a combination of massaging the neck with your hands and utilizing a towel on the floor. Get a chair that you can sit upright in (making this video great for desk job lunch break reset) and a clear space on the ground with a bath towel. Thanks for being here.

I learned some of these from a video with Ann Teachworth on the Association for Bodywork and Massage Professionals. She had a quote that I appreciated when thinking about our time with our bodies: “Transformation doesn’t just happen from the experience, it happens in our reflection from the experience.”

Even though these self massage videos I occasionally send out are brief and bite sized, I hope the invitation to observe the change that can occur even from just a few thoughtful moments of attention and touch serve you and your day.

This week I’m trying out spending less time finding anatomy photos to teach the muscles and I also am sharing two videos: one for in the chair, and one on the floor. What do you think? Do you miss visualizing the muscles we’re hoping to effect change to with these techniques or do you just want to get some guidance on what to do to maybe feel a little better?

leave a comment to let me know!

xo,

Meghan

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The below piece of writing has very little to do with those topics directly, but that does not mean they aren’t on my mind. The rest of today’s writing is an extension of the processing I’ve been doing here about my dad’s death in 2024 and the experience of emptying out his home of 17 years. Thanks for being here.

I’ve been carting around 4 boxes of paperwork of my dad’s since emptying out his house last year. They were in drawers in the built in cabinets that I had missed until my realtor was checking the (nearly) empty house and brought them to my attention. I literally screamed when my realtor showed me “oh my god noooo not more papers.” I was SO exhausted of sifting through every piece of his belongings and had finally gotten the storage unit resigning to have done good enough for now. But, I had a pretty good inventory that what went to the unit were things I knew I wanted to keep. Not just mysterious boxes of ephemera or mundane notations of life to be looked over at a later date. So these four drawers became four boxes that I carted to the last two places I’ve lived in since.

One time I was traveling last year and my cats were having some kind of conniption fit and were peeing on my stuff in my absence, including on these boxes of unknown paperwork from my dad’s house. Bless my roommates at the time who put up with my tedious grief process and let said boxes live on our porch until I returned from my trip and stashed them until I was ready to go through them again.

So then yes, I moved them, these boxes of unknown paperwork with sprinkles of crystalized cat pee, to my new apartment just this November. They don’t really “smell” anymore since it’s so dried out, but it still seems disgusting. It’s actually something I’ve barely confessed to friends out loud. Some corners of grief are like that. Some pieces of the process just sound too unreasonable, even the most supportive friend would be in their right to say, “maybe go ahead and let go of the cat pee boxes full of remnants you don’t even know what you’re missing.”

In any event, I still chose to shove them at the top of my closet (I promise, they don’t smell unless you realllly put your face up to it!), because I just couldn’t toss them sight unseen. What if some missing piece of his story is in these boxes? Some letter or account or password that would go unknown unless I shuffled through every paper? I keep calling them unknown but they were actually meticulously organized with divider tabs and labels. MEDICAL HISTORY, BANK STATEMENTS, PERSONAL RECORDS, just to name a few. All in his all caps handwriting or with the help of a label maker (side note: the label maker is one of the many utilitarian items inherited from dad that I’ve had never bought myself but get immense joy from using to make clear what I have categorized and organized and where. Definitely recommend).

I was hoping the next publication here would be getting back in the routine of sharing self massage videos. I purposefully made that segment of my creative practice a stand alone effort, you may have noticed I make no real videography efforts, it’s meant to be a casual but consistent (fail on the latter, I know) reminder that you have the tools you need to tend to your body. I recorded a video in my space, next to boxes of other things that don’t fit in my limited storage because the cat pee dad boxes occupy the prime storage real estate in my sweet little one bedroom apartment. “It’s fine,” I thought. “If I put the camera on top the boxes, the view is still mostly just me teaching some foam roller techniques.” My unfinished move and bureaucratic grief pile shouldn’t get in the way of a little self massage video …

But it did. They did. I still recorded myself doing some foam roller exercises and self massage practices, but I was so distracted and the energy in my space was heavy. It dawned on me that despite all my inspiration now that I’m in my own space and with the blessing and stressor of more time on my hands (work is a little slower than I’d prefer for the month of January), I would not be able to endeavor on much creative efforts as long as this emotional task loomed over me.

I had planned to go through these (mostly) unknown boxes with cat pee sprinkles over the holidays at some point. It was an intense and busy fall and I had ear marked the holiday time off work for such projects. It had also recently dawned on me that since the death admin tasks had died down (heh, sorry not sorry) the mundane things like checking his mail and email and paying bills and closing accounts, somehow was a way that I was also tending to my grief. As agonizing as many of those tasks are, there was a weird way that it kept me closer to him. The paper trail of a live once lived. Maybe sifting through the paperwork would be a nice way to be with my dad over the second holiday since his passing. But then my mom and sister planned a Christmas trip to Tahoe that I wasn’t invited or privy to and so I opted to let myself be consumed by Heated Rivalry, Hollanov, and Skip (iykyk). Yes, that’s right, I will continue to give my mom and sister shit privately and publicly because I believe there is a healthy form of petty and this is what I choose in 2026. Thanks to my private and public calling them out, I forgive them. Talking shit helps sometimes!

ANYWAY, all that to say, I didn’t get to the last unknown cat pee dad boxes over the holiday break. But now … FOUR boxes have become ONE! A mostly not smelly one! It took me two days, well a little under 2 years, 2 moves, and THEN 2 mostly uninterrupted days to go through them.

What did I learn and why am I keeping the remaining one box? Maybe not much, but enough that I’m glad I carted them around and filed through every single sheet. I guess I have ideas of an art project, a collage of snippets of the data of one’s life. How medical bills and lab results and bank statements, while not poetic, tells (a part) of the story of one’s life. The bureaucratic labyrinth of advocating for care in our medical system, the full time job it is to be disabled, the anxiety of not knowing why your body and abilities are changing faster than you can process.

If you don’t want to do this sifting of every paper your parents ever touched, let your boomer elders know they really do not need to hold on to paperwork like we once did. But if you’re a glutton for making an emotional process longer than anyone else you know, let them keep their piles, and you can reach out to me when you’re left with the task of going through them.

Mostly I wanted to see for myself, the timeline of my parents divorce and my dad’s illness becoming increasingly disabling overtime. It was a shitty divorce. I was stuck in the middle, 17 years old, confused and sad and wanted to either get them back together, or be mad at the wrong person and supportive to the right one. My dad initiated the split, so he was the wrong person. I was mad at him for a really long time. I didn’t understand the medical crisis he found himself navigating, largely alone, on the heels of moving out of my childhood home. There have been times going through these realizations, and how I was largely absent from the first chapters of his illness, the pain and guilt that I wasn’t there was a little too much to bear. But now for the most part, I can have compassion for the confused and sad kid that I was, lashing out at my dad and being overly codependent with my mom. It’s actually sort of how it’s supposed to be. The kid is supposed to get to be the kid, and the adults are supposed to be the adults. There’s just something about shitty divorces that make grown ups act shittier than their angsty teenagers.

Amidst the bank statements that went back to 1979 (WHYYYY DAD WHY DO YOU HAVE THESE??!) I mostly saw that my dad worked hard, often only had $1,000 in his checking account, bought normal things like groceries and gas, and transferred money to his angsty kid’s account on occasion. He loved getting whatever new technology gadget may have been on the market and he kept every CD-ROM and Linux for Dummies book he ever owned. The notes on medical bills of when he made calls inquiring about charges and the annotations deciphering lab results and the meticulous effort to keep every medical visit summary. I know he mostly was just a (n autistic) man of his time and held on to whatever paperwork that might seem helpful for the next appointment/bill/life task. But I also can’t help to think he wanted the story captured. For thirty (excuse me, I mean FIFTY) years of paperwork that chronicles what one spent their money on, what was disputed over by divorce lawyers, and what the string of doctors and medical providers surmised until getting a diagnosis (idiopathic pulmonary fibrosis) is quite a chronicle!

I also gained new perspective that during said shitty divorce, where everyone’s goods and assets are under the microscope as divisible, he had several files of paperwork applying for short term disability, long term disability, workmans comp. In order to be approved for any of these, he’d need a diagnosis, which simultaneously was not happening shown by a year’s worth of tests, labs, referrals, and guesses to doctors that there was mold in the HVAC system of the office of his county job. Whether any of these potential benefits were assets being put to question in the divorce I’m not 100% sure, but the medical mystery and bureaucracy, not to mention him feeling physically worse and less able to breathe, certainly created delays in the divorce proceedings (and tersely worded lawyer letters). I also found a denial letter from the Veterans Affairs office when he petitioned that maybe it was exposure to chemicals in the Vietnam War that led to his lungs failing (he was drafted and eventually was honorably discharged for medical reasons). Now, I can read through all this and see someone alone and disabled and desperately looking for answers and support about how their chronic and mysterious illness came to be. Mom, if you find yourself reading this, I’m still sorry he was an asshole to you during that time.

My dad never wanted to be considered disabled. Before or after the lung transplant in 2007. It’s a bit of a medical accomplishment that he got to live 17 more years with his new lungs. Now that I’ve gone through these boxes that made it through the moves (and let’s not forget the cat pee) it would have been neat to come across some transplant paperwork that included some way to contact living relatives of the person who donated their lungs to my dad. I’d write them a thank you note.

So, I didn’t do a self massage video per my Monday intention. But there will be more to come. Until then, this is a reminder that you can hold on to the weird thing as a part of your grief process and trust that you’ll get to sorting through it, making the decision about it, and pick it back up when you’re ready. Yes holding on to things is a privilege that requires space and effort not always available, but if it’s just permission you need, I want to give that to you. Maybe you’ll never feel ready and it’ll become a non negotiable to need to clear the space or stop paying for the storage unit. Whether it ends up being imposed by internal or external forces, you can put down parts of your grief and pick them back up when you’re ready. And you might be glad, even if still sad that your person is gone, for the space that gets cleared when you do.

It’s been so meaningful to me to have a place to alchemize my grief into something more than just a tangle of thoughts and feelings stuck inside my body. Thank you so much for bearing witness. I’m really grateful.

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I try to make formulas that can help many folks by using a combination of plants that balance one another and don’t have too long a list of contradictions. Even if you are only minimally interested in leaning on plants for at home care for you and your loved ones, having some bitters, an immune support, and something to lessen the daily stressors on hand is always worthwhile!

I list contraindications on a more cautious side; which is to say that in these blends you’re getting a lower dose of each individual plant and some contraindications are for higher doses or over time. But that is for you to determine more closely with an herbalist and/or your doctor (p.s. I am very pro doctors and conventional medicine and science AND often doctors just always say no to all herbs because its a realm of liability that feels murky, so finding an herbalist who has a network of other clinical herbalists who study pathologies and contraindications can be a helpful way to get clear on what herbs are safe for you).

All herbs are harvested or purchased as ethically as I know how (i.e. cultivated myself, purchased with local herbalists and companies who I feel good about supporting). They are tinctured in ethanol alcohol and water at a precisely calculated portion. Some were tinctured as fresh plants and some dried. I made everything at home from sourcing the herbs, tincturing them individually, creating these blends, and calculating how to get a dose of each plant within each recommended dose of each formula. A lot of work and study and care goes into it and that’s before bottling, making labels, and writing all of this so that each product can feel relatable and understandable!

Here’s what I have right now.

BRIGHTEN & DESTRESS

tulsi, lemon balm, blue vervain, angelica, and linden

WHY TO TAKE IT: you’re stressed! finding joy feels distant. your shoulders are in your ears with tension. sometimes you realize you forgot to take a full breath. this delicious blend is uplifting and relaxing so you can breathe deep and drop your shoulders (and guard) a bit in order to find some calm.

WHY NOT TO TAKE IT: wanted pregnancy

SICK SUPPORT

eleuthro, echinacea, elecampane, mullein, ginger

WHY TO TAKE IT: everyone around you is getting sick. you’re noticing a little tickle in your throat and a cough trying to clear something in your lungs. this one is great to help prevent illness when you feel something coming on or during cold/flu season, but also a worthwhile support when sick.

WHY NOT TO TAKE IT: wanted pregnancy, may be overly stimulating for some

WINTER BITTERS

dandelion root, yellow dock, Oregon grape root, cardamom, orange peel

WHY TO TAKE IT: your digestion is feeling off, maybe indulging more in foods that you know you have a little sensitivity to, you enjoy a warming bitter with your winter cocktail or mocktail. you love cardamom.

WHY NOT TO TAKE IT: caution with pregnancy, low blood pressure, very dry constitution

LOVE BITTERS

damiana, cinnamon, cocoa nibs, cardamom, blood orange peel

WHY TO TAKE IT: you wanna feel the loooove. you enjoy delicious things, or want to remember how to. you want to add a little something to your seltzer with a cute date or just to feel more embodied for yourself.

WHY NOT TO TAKE IT: may need to decrease insulin if taken regularly, contraindicated with blood thinners

One ounce bottles are $18 and two ounce bottles are $32. These are all not evaluated by the FDA. If you want to pick up in Berkeley, message me to avoid shipping fees that are calculated on Etsy.

Let me know if you have any questions! I love talking about herbs!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!

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Happy Boxing Day to all who celebrate but especially to every Canadian who had anything to do with creating, releasing, and making Heated Rivalry available to stream in the states. Someday, not long from now, I’ll return to talking about fascia and massage and thinking about my own art and why all our voices and stories matter but that day is not today. Today, I eat, breathe and sleep Skip and Hollanov (Scott + Kip, Hollander + Rozanov). With breaks only to go for a jog (listening to the soundtrack of course) and to write this and dance in my living room.

In some of my movements this holiday week, I was sure I’d open this substack post to revisit my now sporadic updates on my grief chronicles. The second Christmas since my dad’s death, I want to keep my practice of honoring him and my grief rituals by sharing with you all how I tend to my grief during the difficult holiday season. And I do have things to share about that (see below) but that wasn’t even the only family wound and heartache that came up this week, all to be eclipsed by the way heated rivalry split my broken queer heart right back open.

The more complicated layers of my grief visited me this holiday. The ones that change the fabric of relationships with those that are left living, amidst the absence of the departed. Some family members planned a holiday trip without me, mainly brought to light only to modify the loose plans we had made together in order to accommodate their excursion. It’s not the oddest thing for us to have different plans, even during the holidays, we don’t all do everything together, and there’s some logical reasons for them to have not included me. And yet, somehow logic still doesn’t work to lick these wounds of not fully belonging with biological family. We love each other and I’m grateful but are different enough and the structure of the blended family leaves me often feeling like the odd one out. I’ve accepted and grieved this more times than I can count, but it still stings when poked. I’d usually seek reprieve from this sometimes mysterious difficulty in the time I spent with my dad. Without that salve, and company and sense of belonging, I am newly entirely disoriented in my family system.

The rejection brought back old stories, circular thoughts that I thought I had healed and tied up in a nice little bow safely marked “processed in therapy.” Spun out in an existential crisis of what felt like my own making, I oscillated between “I’m fine really, a day to myself will be nice, even if it’s Christmas” to “actually maybe I AM unlovable.” I know, THE DRAMA! I share because I know this is a sentiment I am not alone in having. As in, I’m not sharing in a cry for help; in fact, most days, I consider myself incredibly lucky with the number of loved ones and thriving relationships in my life. So, worry not, I journaled enough this morning to have returned back to the conclusion that I am, of course, lovable.

JUST LIKE SHANE AND ILYA. So enters Heated Rivalry. I had been waiting to watch with friends, more loose plans that couldn’t get finalized this holiday season, and decided I needed to join the gay conversations everywhere on my feed ASAP. This will heal me I thought, mostly meaning distract me, but actually I think it did heal me a little bit.

In episode 5, the now most highly rated episode of television on iMdb, the Imperials (EDIT: oops actually it was the Admirals, can you tell the sports component of this story is secondary to me?? lol) win the Stanley Cup, a lifelong career goal for team captain Scott Hunter. In their elated triumph, Scott’s smile shifts as his teammates’ family members and loved ones pour down from the stadium and onto the ice to celebrate their hockey player, and no one is coming down for him. Scott so clearly with every fiber of his being realizes, “what’s the point of winning if we can’t share it with the people we love??” François Arnaud acts the absolute hell out of this moment and I could watch it one thousand more times. Every facial expression, mannerism, shaky movement he makes communicates so clearly that, while still terrifying, he is done hiding and ready to risk it all. It doesn’t matter anymore, nothing is worth fulfilling your dream to only experience it entirely alone. He finds his once lover in the crowd, who in their time together he brought back into the closet with him so he could stay steadfast in his hockey career, amidst homophobic locker jokes and an understanding that both parts of him cannot coexist publicly. Scott locks eyes with him and waves him down and it feels like AGES for this man to walk down to the ice. It’s probably less than a minute but every gay person watching is holding their breath that entire minute because of the gay yearning and anticipation and disbelief of what is maybe about to happen. The eventual public kiss is too perfect and magnificent for me to type out adequately and as public as it may be, it is also two people entirely in their own world, just for themselves. But what's more magnificent is our other two closeted main characters, watching this in their respective homes. Also acted to perfection, their faces of recognizing themselves in these two, that if Skip can love each other, maybe they can too. Every beat of disbelief and their faces going from “ya ya another team won the cup”, to turning their eyes back to their screens wondering “what is he doing”, to “holy fucking shit is my entire identity livable and lovable because of what is happening before my very eyes?!” And then our sweet Ilya, can access his own vulnerability to take a risk for love, too.

Queer media matters. Giving people an opportunity to see themselves on the screen saves lives. And it is an absolutely beautiful gay victory of joy and love to get to watch it play out.

Queer to my core, I have been in a lot of different relationships, but I am not a cis gay man and I haven’t technically been in a closeted relationship. But I have loved people who have and even if the texture of it can be on different spaces of a spectrum of acceptance, what queer amongst us hasn’t had a crisis about belonging? Wondering if the gay parts of ourselves can live in our careers, within our biological families, if our queerly created family structures will look different, will there be room for us at the holiday table, fully embraced and not through gritted teeth of tolerance, confusion, or worse, disgust? I am obsessed with what came to life through this show.

And of course it doesn’t represent everyone. There is not a barista in the world who is into art history that is as buff as his professional athlete boyfriend. Yes, I’d love the sapphic version, a chubby character, and exploring more themes of the intersection of race and homophobia in sports. But perhaps this show is as good as it is because it didn’t try to tell too many things at once. It told the story it wanted to tell with a precision that we aren’t seeing in television that often these days. And when we do, they get cancelled before they can finish telling their story (Our Flag Means Death, A League of their Own the show, Los Espookys … just to name a few).

I eat and sleep and breathe Skip and Hollanov. I will return to my own endeavors of work, art, activism, and herbalism and self massage videos. But for now, as the rain falls in the liminal space between Christmas and New Year’s, a time when we are all invited to welcome a cloak of quiet and amidst the backdrop of the political anti LGBT nightmare that is our current reality, having this show and the company of equally obsessed IRL and internet friends has felt like the sweetest of lights amidst a very dark winter. And I believe that matters for more than a distraction, but serves as the reminder of what we have to fight for.

As recently departed queer writer Andrea Gibson said, “let your heart break, so your spirit doesn’t.” Letting art move us and giving art a platform for us all is vital to our breath, and I’m so grateful to get to be swept away by the blessed existence of queer media.

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Hello all! Here is a Monday video for you to keep up with a body tending practice. On the self massage to work out spectrum, today has an exercise and a stretch. If ever you’ve heard of the connection between the jaw and the hips and feel curious about that, this might be a nice one to try!

I am moving this week. Literally when I finish typing this, I need to bring more boxes to the porch so that a friend who is helping me (thank you!) and I can load our cars to take the first load over when I get my keys. SO, I can’t add lots of the context and description like I usually do with muscle photos and why trying out these exercises might be right (or not) for you. Watch and move at your own risk!

This mercury retrograde has been an absolute doozy for me (maybe you, too?) so I hope this message serves as a sweet reminder that despite it all, you still have a body and are allowed to tend to it, for better ease, deeper breaths, or even just enjoying a slower moment.

See you next time! In two weeks!

Send me requests!

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P.S. to paid subscribers, soon I am going to send you a very special offering! A trial run of a virtual partner massage class. Let me know what you’d like to see covered in something like that! Xoxo

Meghan

I got helpful feedback from a subscriber that the self massage techniques with the towel were more accessible than past videos and thus much more helpful. Thank you again for your note, and I have in mind to do more towel exercises! I occasionally remember that while I want to provide more self massage techniques for my clients to make tending to oneself second nature, it’s actually not my go to self care method! After a day of providing massage to others, self massage as we typically think of it (well, as the phrase suggests, massaging oneself) is often not what I want to do. But, as I’m learning in my process of providing you all with ideas, there’s lots of ways we can access a sort of self massage without just manually doing petrissage with our (perhaps tired) fingers. That said, some of what I provide does feel and look more like stretching and strengthening … and today is one of those days again!

Also I am recommitting to consistency with these videos but making it more feasible, so my new goal is biweekly (twice a month!). October was busy with a cross country drive and more teaching shifts and now I’m looking for a place to live solo. If you’re in the bay and know of a cute lil pet friendly spot becoming available, lemme know!

Ok, here’s a couple muscles I mentioned in this video.

Ok and last thing to note is that I’m raffling off a couple of vases to raise money for food banks. I chose the Alameda County Community Food Bank and the Trans Income Project. Because I currently live in Alameda county and am always thinking about my queer and trans friends back home in New Orleans. Venmo me at meghanlizjo, one raffle ticket is $10, and add the note “food raffle” and your contact info. Or you can make a donation to those orgs directly and send me a screen shot of the receipt. $50 = 5 raffle tickets! Reshare this post for another entry.

Action is the antidote to despair. Small is all. These are reminders I tell myself when the overwhelm feels too great to do anything at all.

Good job tending to your body today.

Love,

Meghan

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Today I realized that I’m overdue for a Grief Chronicles post. Maybe not checking in on the emotional landscape that first brought me to this platform as a creator was something keeping me from other creative pursuits. Isn’t that always the way? Anyway, it took me exactly the whole month of October to realize this. And now finally, the week leading up to Halloween, it dawned on me that I just miss my dad and everything still feels a little less right with him gone. So here’s a letter I wrote to him and I’m sharing with you because, well many of us are short on grief practices, we’re all going to die and lose loved ones, why not witness each other in the losses and loves while we’re here.

xo,

Meghan

Dear Dad,

I don’t really know where to start. So much of my life looks different than the last time I could call you and catch up. I moved out of the place in Berkeley where I cooked biscuits and gravy on thanksgiving for just the two of us and we watched Star Trek. It was only because it was a holiday that you didn’t have radiation that day. I remember getting you a car back rather than driving you because I was tired and you seemed indifferent. I wish I drove you back just for that extra 30 ish minutes together. Those are the little choices that in the moment I thought we were in a marathon and I chose to preserve some of my care taking energy for a long haul. I know neither of us knew but I wish I processed quicker that we were in a sprint so I could rally better to be more present with you those little moments. I know I don’t need to apologize for that, that time bends after death, and that I was there for you best I could be. But still, I wish I drove you home.

I’ve been busier and maybe in less touch with some of my practices that helped me feel more connected to you. I got a new job that I think you’d think is pretty cool. I teach med students how to perform pelvic and breast/chest exams. It means being in the simulated learning areas of places like Stanford and UCSF and UCB and other medical schools. I get to be in medical academia without having to be a med student. It’s really perfect for me, I get to teach people how to be more inclusive and compassionate for sensitive exams, ones that were vital to my own preventative health care. I get to practice teaching and learning about anatomy and how to be a thorough and kind clinician. I’ve had to drive on the bay bridge more, usually a trip that makes me cry. That route from the east bay to SF was most often one I did to pick you up from radiation or your temporary housing to go to Cloverdale for the weekend or just have dinner on Irving Street or visit the Academy of Sciences. I don’t cry every time I drive across the bridge anymore, but somehow that feels wrong too. I wish driving across that bridge still meant I was going to pick you up.

I took Cosmo (dog) to the Berkeley Aquatic this afternoon and jogged around the water while listening to the playlist I made for your memorial service. Cosmo was more interested in smelling dog pee and goose poop than running and I thought that was ok. I remember you had some anecdotes about the Berkeley Aquatic and Berkeley Marina, and some random buildings in SF where you once worked construction jobs. I don’t remember the details of any of these anecdotes and I wish I could call you and ask you.

Your house finally sold this summer. It was a really weird and wild experience making the decisions for your house and the way it was so drawn out during this current brutal economy really bent my brain. I had so few people to ask for advice about it and really I just wanted to ask you. Maybe now that I’m not having to go through your mail and pay bills for the house anymore is a reason I’ve been feeling more distant. Even the administrative tasks feel like a way to revisit the grief, visit you. To log into your accounts, I’d sometimes have to check your email, it was a way to see a survey of your interests and ongoings. I still have a stack of your bank statements because as mundane as they are, looking through how you spent your money is a clear snapshot on how you may have spent a day. Whenever I found a receipt tucked inside a book, I kept both receipt and book, because I could imagine what you did that day. The errands you did, where you got a coffee, and which book you may have brought with you. I wish we could sit at Plank Coffee and work a crossword puzzle.

I emptied my storage unit in New Orleans. Not really because I have any better idea where I want to be or what I’m doing. But I was just ready to go through the inventory and let go of paying to keep stuff in another city. One that I could still move back to, but without plans to, made sense to release. It actually sucks so much you died only six months after I moved back to California. Sometimes (aggravating) people will try and silver line your death, how lucky I am we had that six months. I planned for more. I think it’s been a new feeling in grief, but more recently I’ve felt mad you died. Mad what I had to let go of, mad how hard it is to live in the Bay Area, to start over. Mad to not have a dad. Mad I can’t talk with you about the big and little decisions life comes with. I’m not mad AT you but I’m mad I can’t be mad WITH you, ya know? I wish we could be pissed together. Trust me, there’s a lot to be mad about these days.

What are feelings like after death? Is everything just zoomed out and softer? Like days are shaped by forgiveness and gratitude and wisdom rather than self doubt and regret and worry? I hope that for you. I hope it is soft and kind and that you are, somehow, surrounded by loved ones. Psychics have told me that you’re making peace with your dad, that you found your soulmate. I hope both those things are true.

There’s a lot of ways I’m still picking up the pieces of my life since before you got sick and died, but I’m not mad I made the changes I did to be closer and help you. It’s ok that it’s hard. I can do hard things.

I’m sad as I write this and am letting that come through, but don’t worry, I am also finding joy. I have friends to laugh with and watch movies with. I have been doing some political organizing locally that feels grounding and purposeful, the weather is nice, and Cosmo and I go on lots of walks. I’ve been drawing more (not a lot, but more) and got accepted to sell at a big print sale here again so I’m excited to get ready for that. I wish I could take you. Maybe you’ll still see it wherever you are? It’s so inspiring how much incredible art comes together in one place, it’s just exciting to be a part of it and practice a new to me medium.

I guess those are most of my updates for now. I’ll try and write to you more often. I’ll try and listen closer if there’s things you want to tell me, too.

Love you,

Meghan

thanks for reading 🧡🦂🖤 happy halloween!

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I’ve been preparing for a trip and then on the road this past month. In my mind I was going to be so organized and have 2-3 weeks of these videos prerecorded and scheduled to post ahead of time but did not get to it! Even though my ethos that helping people care for their bodies in the midst of total collapse is vital and necessary, sometimes I still stumble on my own imposter syndrome of some kind or another. But I have been doing bodywork for nine years! I know things about bodies! Where muscles attach and how fascia gets globbed and how to ease restrictions limiting our mobility. There is so much draining everyone right now, being at more ease with our bodies is worthwhile and I see it tangibly help people show up in this turbulent time. Is this pep talk for you or me? Who knows! But grab your mat and a towel and let’s get to it!

This self massage exercise is a technique I learned from a continuing education class I watched on the Association for Bodyworkers and Massage Professionals (ABMP) website with Ann Teachworth. As I say in this video, whether last time with the lacrosse or tennis ball in the glutes technique was too intense or not, I really recommend you try this one! In general, this is a much gentler and more accessible way to give some self massage to the hip and lower back that our modern lives of tight hips can more likely receive. I was excited to learn this and share!

Here’s a refresher of some of the muscles we tend to with in this video.

And supporting the hips will often help with lower back pain. The thoracolumbar fascia is superficial and extremely innervated. That means that in many cases, we don’t need to go “deeper” or make direct contact with deeper set muscles to relieve lower back pain. Making more space for this superficial and innervated tissue can provide a lot of relief. Even though pain may feel impossible to access, some intentional touch with at home exercise or with a skilled bodyworker who is knowledgeable about fascia could be enough to help. Cool!

Let me know if you have any questions! Which hip self massage did you like more? Using the ball or the towel? Comment below!

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This past month has been a doozie. I mean collectively, obviously. Everything is a lot. So I am back with my version of a reminder to still do the silly mundane life tasks because otherwise there’ll be the fascism, and *insert result of ignoring mundane life task.* In this case, a sore butt.

Today’s self massage we are using a tennis ball and massaging hip muscles. What I noticed was targeting the piriformis and glute minimus. Both of which you’ve maybe heard of if ever you’ve had sciatic pain or lower back aches. Massaging hip muscles can be so great for relieving low back, hip, and hamstring tension. If you sit at a desk or drive or just for any reason at all carry tension in your hips, these can be intense at first, but the relief can offer worthwhile support.

The first thing I did in the video was laying down on my back on the floor, knees bent, and place the tennis ball on the ground making contact with the middle of one butt cheek. Then straightening and bending that same leg, aiming to massage gently the piriformis muscle. It’s more external rotation that these hip muscles chime in for, but even without rotation, just lengthening and bending the knee with the pressure of the tennis ball can open things up. Mobility + pressure = tension relief.

Next, in the same position on the floor, I placed the tennis ball just below the posterior superior iliac spine (PSIS/the bony part of the hip on your backside). Swaying back hips from side to side moving the tennis ball along the gluteus minimus. Eek! Hurts so good! Be gentle with both of these, ease back as you need to, take deep breaths, and as long as nothing feels like a dangerous type of pain, see if the muscles can soften into the movements.

The two things that made my August much busier was taking a shiatsu class at a reputable massage school in my area and starting a new job that had a very steep learning curve for me. In the course of which, I realized my butt cheeks are sometimes tensing up for no real useful reason! Hence revisiting these self massage techniques to help tell those muscles “thanks for jumping in, but you can chill.”

Hope they help you too! Drop a comment with questions or how it felt for you. Take care of yourselves.

In solidarity,

Meghan

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At long last, we are massaging our upper backs! You’ll need a tennis ball, racket ball, or yoga tune up ball (or something similar) for today’s session. It is likely you have seen some of these suggestions for releasing some of the muscles that I list below, but the point of these videos is the reminder. Sure you’ve maybe tried this before but have you done it today? This week? How about twice a week? These sorts of exercises and habits to help relieve the daily pains and tensions do take some consistency but are also helpful when just used occasionally. It’s ok if you’ve fallen off whatever habit you know helps you feel better, and you can always return to it gently, using a voice with yourself that you’d use with a child.

These videos are also my own accountability to hone my language while teaching. I have aspirations to teach massage and making these videos are a way I want to provide some support to clients freely, while practicing my clarity of language with body based cues. Thanks for witnessing my fumbling and I hope it’s still helpful in its imperfection!

Everything I did today was just on my right side. Feel free to repeat the video to do both sides! Note that the objective here is not to have the ball on very boney parts; so not on the spine or scapula, but between them.

Here’s a break down of some of the muscles I mentioned in today’s video:

side note: I said in the video that the quadratus lumborum are “below” the paraspinal muscles but what’s more accurate is that they are “underneath” which is why we need to angle our bodies toward the side we are working on when placing the ball in its position between our back and the wall.

Ok that’s all! This one was heavy on the anatomy lesson so take what fits for you and leave the rest. Let me know how this went for you by sending me a message or leaving a comment.

Keep taking care of your body because we need you!

xoxo

Meghan

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It’s possible I’m feeling hit by it because I fell off of following their writing. I remember some of their videos feeling too close to the bone, while accompanying my dad to his radiation treatments. But now I miss this person I never knew, and I wonder if I had been less afraid of the vulnerability they provided us, what other windows would have opened up for me at a time I was already so raw and alone. Maybe it’s the identity markers we share, white queers touched by cancer, trying to stay in a practice of speaking up for those more marginalized.

Maybe it’s simply because I think I thought their cancer was behind them, or I wanted to let myself believe that. Surely, they are young, we’ll see more of them, I thought.

Maybe it’s a feeling similar to guilt, that pang of wishing you’d paid better attention, tried a little harder, did a little more tending to a relationship before it ended abruptly. Like learning of the loss of a distant relative you always meant to call more often. Yes, that’s the feeling. Like I don’t have a right to miss them or be surprised or maybe even sad because we didn’t exist together exactly. But now that they’re gone, the pang of wishing and missing has chimed in. The feeling of loss. Something is missing with this being gone.

So today instead of recording a self massage video for you, I read to you one of their poems. I’m looking forward to reading more of all the gifts Andrea has put into the world. What an open and brave heart it takes, to look into death, peer into what it might be like, to keep loving those around you, and narrate all that you can through it.

Rest easy, Andrea ❤️‍🔥 Thank you for your words.

I went to the Oakland zoo this morning with some friends and their kiddo and it was a real treat to get to visit and observe animals up in the Oakland hills. Highlights for me were the bears (always :), bats, and insects I’d never ever seen before. The pack of wolves frolicking around was a hit for all of us and condors are WAY bigger than I realized! Did you know there were once only 20 condors and with rehabilitation efforts there’s closer to 200?? Still endangered but wow! And ICYMI don’t feed wildlife if ever you come across them.

Anyway, that’s not what you’re here! But I wanted to share because amidst all the collapse and heartbreak and fear resisting fascism and all the realities that brings with it, taking some time to connect with other than human kin was sweet and I recommend doing something of that sort so we remember what we’re fighting for.

Today’s video is giving more attention and love to the forearms. Probably the upper body focus I’ve been on so far is a testament to what I typically need for my own body as a massage therapist and artist. I promise we’ll get to some rolling out the shoulders and upper back with a ball or foam roller. Let this be a little plug to get yourself one of those for future self massage videos!

This self massage technique is excellent for people experiencing pain around the elbows. What we think of tennis elbow can affect anyone using their hands a lot and doing hours of repetitive motions. Tattoos artists, hair dressers, carpenters, illustrators, bartenders, and computer work. Here’s an image of some of the muscles and tendons that get focus (and hopefully some relief!) with today’s activity.

I hope you enjoy. Let me know if you have any questions. Once again, this is going out to all subscribers. I think I decided keeping these little care tools behind a paywall wasn’t the move for the moment. Paid subscribers, I’ll keep considering what perks are for you!

in solidarity,

Meghan

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Please note I made an anatomy error in my language! Where I am saying flexion of the wrist, I should be saying extension. Likely not a huge difference for most simply looking to relieve tension more than study anatomy but, I must correct my error to make good on my dream to teach massage! :-)

Here is a photo that shows some of the muscles these exercises are targeting. You can see how the tendon from each finger correlates with the respective extensor muscle. Pretty cool! I hope this helps with your wrist pains!

p.s. this has been a paid subscriber perk but this week it’s going out to everyone. thank you for being here!

best,

Meghan

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It’s so hard to keep up a new habit and opening this email counts. How was your neck feeling after last week’s video? Did anything feel particularly great or not great? Anything you learned about your body?

This week’s video tends to a popular acupressure point between the thumb and index finger. It can be very sensitive …

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This 5 minute video is meant to help open up one of the main movers of our neck: the sternocleidomastoid, also dubbed the SCM. One of the largest and most superficial cervical muscles, it is a great place to start when it comes to self massaging the neck…

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I’m starting a self care series for paid subscribers! Every Monday, you’ll get a video in your inbox thats roughly 5 minutes long where I’ll guide you through some self massage techniques or stretches. The first three will be done at our desks, so my hope is that when you open this email during your work day, you’ll be prompted to take just 5 min…

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