As a previous avoidant turned anxious, I can thoughtfully write about both sides, although everyone is different as individuals and what I say may not resonate with you, and that's okay. It's all relative.

Previously avoidant, when fights, arguments, or tiffs happen, you tend to separate yourself from the person, sometimes unintentionally, and question everything. “Do you even want to be here? What if they do it again? I'll just leave. I don't care.”

As someone with anxious attachment, when fights, arguments, or stuff happens, you deteriorate from the inside. The anxiety consumes you, and you feel like you have to fix it immediately because what if they leave? All that goes through your mind is, “Take me back in time. I regret it. What do I do? They hate me now. It's all over. I will never find love again. I am worthless and useless. I am not good enough.”

Two very different reactions to something minor, both immediately resorting to, “I guess it's over.”

Neither of these attachment styles is necessarily good or bad, although they can combat each other. One pulls, the other pushes. When you push an avoidant, they pull away. When you pull away from an anxious person, they push further.

When these two are in a relationship, it is important to recognize the pattern and create boundaries when situations like this arise. Although a lot of it is learned with time, it is still good to set boundaries in place and fully communicate what each other needs.

As a previous avoidant, I would want space for a few hours. Just a moment to breathe and work through what I was feeling, and then I would talk when I was ready. When I was with someone who had anxious attachment, they would sometimes refuse to give me the time I had asked for, and it made me more upset. I didn't communicate my need for space until later, which was my fault, and that resulted in the anxious person becoming even more anxious because the distance wasn't normal to them.

As someone with newly anxious attachment, being out of the normal is incredibly terrifying. It does feel like the end of the world. I pushed and they pulled, but as an anxious person, hearing that everything is okay and that they aren't going to leave can calm the mind a bit. You still overthink, and you still feel like you can't breathe, but it gives you a small platform to stand steady on.

The issue with this combination is the lack of communication on one end and the over-communication on the other. It becomes 90/10 conversationally, resulting in getting nowhere.

The conversation between these two attachment styles has to find a middle ground. The avoidant has to speak more, and the anxious person has to learn when to speak less and allow space. It allows both parties to be heard and creates a space to figure it all out, resulting in resolution.

Avoidant and anxious attachment styles are very different, but similar in the sense of panic. They can both result in resorting to the worst-case scenario instead of being logical and communicating properly.

Although both need to communicate their needs, they also need to meet in the middle. If the avoidant needs a few hours and the anxious person needs reassurance, the reassurance should be given and then the time should be taken. Both parties get something they need, and you are more likely to be able to come together for a full resolution, communicating calmly and with a clearer mind.

So here we go…

Four scores and seven years ago (six, actually) in January of 2020, my dad suffered a severe back and spinal injury after a work accident. Workers’ compensation, if you know it well, is a useless sack of shit program that helps no one; I have realized. He was left in pain as they delayed his surgery due to weird-ass insurance and other bullshit complications that were due to WC denying the claim several times. His surgery was delayed three (fucking) years. (The surgery was a fusion on C2-4)

This caused him to be left in permanent pain to this day. Because of the delay, the complications just got worse. On top of that, during this time, they also found out that whoever did his back surgery in 2003 fucked up as well, leaving him with broken pedicle screws in his lower back. (L5-S1, failed fusion)

Because of all of this, he has been unable to work because he is in constant physical pain, and the painkillers make his mental state a bit cloudy.

He applied for disability two years ago, and it has been a constant battle. He has been denied several times, and at the last hearing, they denied him because he could perform one of these jobs: toy stuffer, eyeglass polisher, etc.

I don’t know about you, but when I heard that, all I could think was “what the fuck”. Such niche jobs that aren’t practical for a 49-year-old man living out in the midwestern countryside.

They denied it again because he is a few months shy of 50-years-old. They are again asking for disability, but the case was opened when he was 48, and that is the age they will go off of because that makes total fucking sense, doesn’t it?

This system is pathetically broken.

This situation has caused my mom to be the breadwinner.

She was a stay-at-home mom for many, many years. She now works at a grocery store because she has to stay under a certain income to receive government insurance and food stamps. This is how they’ve been living in that sense.

Over the past six years, this lack of income has caused my grandparents to drain their savings to help, which has been much appreciated and never gone unnoticed. My mother is not one to ask for help from anyone. She refuses it most of the time.

They have almost lost the house a few times as well. Thankfully, their local church was able to pay the mortgage to keep them up to date recently. The biggest blessing we have received in many years. They paid three months to avoid eviction.

So, my mother has been working her ass off, to say the least. There are three out of five kids left in the house, and therefore she is supporting five people on her own…on a grocery store hourly wage. An absolute shit show.

My sister and I, the two who don’t live there anymore, help as much as we can. My sister has two kids of her own now, and that has obviously caused issues money-wise on her end as well.

Last month my mom was diagnosed with Systemic Mastocytosis, which is a rare form of blood cancer.

She is now on a medication, preparing her for treatment starting next month on the 29th, which is making her incredibly sick, and because of this, she has had no choice but to go on short-term disability.

She receives 60% of her pay now. $189 a week. No, I am not even fucking with you. $189. A. Week. (after taxes and benefits)

So at this point, we are at a loss. We will soon have to not only keep up with the living expenses for a family of five, but also her medical expenses as well.

Sometimes I think this family is cursed, to be honest.

My heart is broken. Between a failed system, lack of income, and waning patience for God’s blessing, we have finally decided to ask for help.

So, if you can, share this article and donate. We would seriously, heavily appreciate it.

Thank you.

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♡

Thank you again for reading. Love you all. Thank you, seriously.

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Sometimes you will ask yourself, “Am I doing too much?” and the answer is probably yes. With the world moving as fast-paced as it is and social media shoving bullshit down our throats, we tend to overcompensate for the lack of routine, education, love, experiences, and more.

You get inspired to pursue a better lifestyle, and now you have green powders, a vibration plate, a Pilates membership, two different protein powders, a calorie-counting app, a lemon for each morning’s lemon water, a red light mask, seventy vitamins and supplements, and whatever else you found necessary to start your new journey.

You wake up, drink the lemon water, take half the vitamins, go to the gym for an hour, drink your green powder, roll out your cellulite, and do a 20-step skincare routine. Perfect, all done before 8 AM.

Next week, you will do none of it. A waste.

You could have simply gone to the gym, increased your water intake, gone to bed on time, and eaten better, but you didn’t. You took the overdone, time-consuming route that led you nowhere and left you with a maxed-out credit card.

We tend to do this everywhere in our lives nowadays. Overthinking, overspending, overcompensating. Everything must have so much effort put into it when it really is as simple as changing the little things. You don’t need a whole new, overwhelming routine that breaks the bank or to overthink every single decision to ensure you aren’t making the wrong one. There is no need to overdo anything.

You just choose to.

Ending up in the same place where you started.

Life is simple. You want something, you take it somehow, some way, but you must do it in a manageable way. Don’t overthink or overdo it; you’ll always end up in the same spot as before. You could simply change a few habits, take a gamble, or simply do better consciously.

Life isn’t that hard.

Successful people do the things they do because they have the time; you don’t. Before they were successful, they did what they had to do to get to where they wanted to be. You don’t hear many talking about the five million new routines and products they used to get there. Many lived in shitty apartments, ate ramen, focused on what they simply needed to do (note the word “needed”), and took risks that either offered no reward or high rewards.

If you want more sleep, you have to risk losing the late nights and embrace early mornings. You don’t have to drink sleepytime tea, take a bath, put on white noise, and spray your pillow with lavender. You simply train your body to sleep earlier than you do now.

If you want to lose weight, you have to risk losing the freedom to eat whatever you want and an hour of your day to workout and embrace the results that come from it. You don’t need to buy supplements, a training program, or drink lemon water every single morning.

If you want to be a better person, you have to risk giving up your old habits and possibly some people in your life, but embrace your new habits and the people who follow. You don’t have to cut everyone out, make a new Instagram, make a new identity, and show the world.

If you want something, you have to risk something else and embrace the good things that will come from it.

It’s really just that simple.

You’re doing too much.

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truly your heart must be mine
because I believe it as so
that is just how it goes
my way or the highway
no digression on what you may feel
I am in my head
ground me and maybe I will open my eyes
and recognize all the lies I have told myself

you cannot rummage through an empty box
searching for something that isn’t there
only way to do so
is to place cherished items inside
keep them safe
and explore them at a later date

maybe I don’t feel this way
possibly I do
maybe it is just myself talking to myself
possibly convincing my heart of things it shouldn’t know
maybe you do feel that way
possibly possibly possibly

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My Substack covers many topics, but one of the main ones I write about is relationships. I find human relationships fascinating, especially modern-day ones. What was once a relationship is now a friends-with-benefits, a situationship, exclusive, or “undetermined”. Everyone is just “having fun” (with each other’s feelings).

Now, to clear the air, I have nothing personal against these types of relationships. I have been in several myself. I simply want to reflect on the modern dating aura and how “ambiguity” truly resembles the current state of sex and relationships.

𓇼𓇼𓇼

There is an ongoing debate about an incident during Season 8 of Love Island USA involving Zach and Kayda. Although they are not officially boyfriend and girlfriend, they have agreed to be “exclusive.” Many viewers—including the show’s narrator—have argued that this is essentially a relationship without the title, and they are right.

If two people have deliberately closed themselves off to other romantic and sexual connections, they are dating. Zach argues that he wants to “see how things go” before he and Kayda become boyfriend and girlfriend, but what exactly is left to test? They have chosen each other, established exclusivity, and formed expectations around loyalty. The relationship already exists; they are simply withholding the language that would acknowledge it.

This is not unique to Zach and Kayda. It reflects a much larger issue within the modern dating scene: we have created an exhausting number of relationship stages so people can experience commitment without having to admit they are committed. You can be talking, seeing each other, hanging out, hooking up, exclusive, closed off, emotionally exclusive, sexually exclusive, or “just seeing where things go.” Apparently, you can do everything couples do except use the word couple, because that would be moving too fast.

The language around dating has become so complicated that it often feels less like romance and more like choosing a phone plan. There are tiers, add-ons, hidden fees, and terms that nobody fully understands until someone gets hurt. You may receive unlimited texting, regular sleepovers, emotional support, shared locations, family introductions, and sexual exclusivity, but commitment is unfortunately not included in your current package. Please upgrade to Relationship Premium to access basic reassurance and the ability to ask what is going on without being called dramatic.

Ambiguity has become so normalized that clarity now feels aggressive. Asking someone what they want is treated like an interrogation. Wanting to know whether a relationship is progressing is seen as applying pressure. Admitting that you have feelings can make you look desperate, while pretending not to care is somehow considered attractive, mature, and mysterious. The modern dating scene rewards whoever appears least emotionally invested. The person who takes six hours to respond is “protecting their peace,” while the person who communicates clearly is apparently one shared calendar away from planning a wedding.

There is also a strange belief that labeling a relationship somehow creates feelings or expectations that were not already there. People will speak every day, spend every weekend together, meet each other’s friends, get jealous, argue, make up, sleep together, and provide emotional support through every minor inconvenience and childhood trauma. Then, the second someone asks, “So, what are we?” everyone suddenly acts as if the question came with a ring and a mortgage application.

A title does not magically make a connection serious. The behavior does that. Calling someone your boyfriend/girlfriend does not suddenly create attachment if you have already built your life around their presence. It simply acknowledges what is already happening. If anything, refusing to use a title while expecting loyalty creates more pressure, not less, because both people are now operating under rules that nobody is willing to clearly define. You are committed enough to be unavailable to everyone else, but not committed enough to have security. It is the emotional equivalent of being hired full-time but classified as an unpaid intern.

This is why ambiguity is so appealing. It allows people to receive the benefits of intimacy while protecting themselves from the vulnerability of openly choosing someone. They can have companionship, affection, sex, attention, emotional support, and consistency without accepting the responsibility that usually comes with those things. When the connection feels good, they can act like a partner. When accountability appears, they can remind you that they never technically promised anything.

Technically, it has become one of the most dangerous words in modern dating. Technically, we were not together. Technically, I never said I was in love with you. Technically, we never agreed that texting your ex at two in the morning was against the rules. Technically, I am allowed to do whatever I want. These statements may be accurate in the same way a corporation’s legal disclaimer is. They are not designed to communicate honestly. They are designed to avoid liability.

The problem is that human emotions do not care about technicalities. Your brain does not pause before becoming attached to check whether the relationship has been officially registered. You do not become less hurt because the person who betrayed your trust never updated their relationship status. Emotional intimacy creates emotional consequences regardless of what two people decide to call it. You can label a connection casual as many times as you want, but if you are relying on someone like a partner, losing them is probably going to feel like a breakup.

Social media and dating apps have only made this worse. There is now a constant illusion that someone better could be waiting one swipe away. Even when people find someone they genuinely like, they hesitate to choose them because choosing one person means closing the door on imaginary possibilities. Modern dating has somehow convinced people that commitment is a loss of freedom rather than an active decision to build something meaningful. Everyone wants to keep their options open, even when most of those options are strangers holding fuckin’ fish in profile pictures.

There is nothing inherently wrong with taking time before entering a serious relationship. People should get to know each other. They should pay attention to compatibility, values, behavior, and whether the other person chews with their mouth open. The problem begins when “taking it slow” becomes a permanent waiting room where one person is expected to remain loyal while the other avoids making a decision. At some point, seeing how things go becomes simply refusing to say where things are going.

Ambiguity also creates a power imbalance. Usually, one person is comfortable with the uncertainty, while the other is quietly hoping it will eventually become something more. The person who wants less gets to control the pace, the definition, and the emotional limits of the relationship. The person who wants clarity often becomes afraid to ask for it because they know the entire connection may disappear the moment they express a need. This is not emotional freedom. It is emotional probation.

We have become so afraid of appearing needy that many people would rather remain confused than risk being honest. They rehearse conversations in their heads, analyze response times, decode punctuation, and send screenshots to five friends instead of simply asking the person involved. A period at the end of a text can now ruin an entire afternoon. Meanwhile, the actual issue remains unspoken because nobody wants to be the one who cares more.

But caring more is not a moral failure. Wanting commitment is not embarrassing. Wanting to know where you stand does not make you demanding. There is a difference between rushing someone and refusing to participate in your own confusion. Clarity does not mean forcing a relationship. Sometimes clarity means discovering that two people want different things and having enough self-respect to stop pretending that difference does not matter.

Modern dating culture often presents ambiguity as casual, cool, nonchalant, and low-pressure, but it can be deeply exhausting. There is nothing relaxing about constantly questioning whether you are allowed to feel what you feel. There is nothing casual about acting like someone’s partner while being reminded that you are not entitled to their emotional safety. Ambiguity may delay rejection, but it also delays closeness. You cannot build trust while both people are carefully avoiding the truth.

Zach wanting to “see how things go” before calling Kayda his girlfriend may sound reasonable on the surface, but the logic falls apart when they have already agreed to exclude everyone else. They are not deciding whether to date. They are dating while debating whether the word itself is too intense. This is exactly what modern dating has become: people fully participating in relationships while acting as though naming them were the real commitment.

Maybe labels are not the enemy. Maybe the real problem is that people want to be chosen without having to choose back. They want loyalty without responsibility, intimacy without vulnerability, and love without the humiliating experience of admitting that they care. We have created an entire culture around avoiding rejection, then wondered why everyone feels disconnected.

𓇼𓇼𓇼

Ambiguity may protect the ego, but it does very little for the heart. At some point, “seeing where it goes” has to involve actually going somewhere.

𓇼𓇼𓇼

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𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆝 𓆟

This song has been on my mind a lot lately. Not in a way I enjoy listening to (although it is one of my favorite songs by Artemas), but in a way that the lyrics speak to me. A lyric that always stands out to me in this song is:

“I’ll try being sweet if that’s what you need.”

I think that comes from a place of temporary distaste on my part towards myself. I am not the sweetest person on the inside. I am aggressive in most things I do and feel. It’s always a fight in my head whether I should be savory or sweet towards someone or something, but it is who I am, and I should find comfort in that. People take advantage of the sweet; they inhale it impulsively. Hold it all in their hands and take it from you, and return nothing. I think that’s why it’s so hard for me to be sweet most of the time. It’s vulnerability. It is putting my trust in someone and hoping they don’t take it for granted.

But sometimes I can’t help but be sweet. Just a little snickerdoodle cookie fresh out of the oven begging you to eat me alive. What a dangerously beautiful thing.

Another lyric that stands out to me is:

“I'm a little bit satisfied, but I could be more”

I feel this one as well because no matter what I obtain, I am never satisfied. There can always be more; there always is more. Although I am satisfied with everything in my life right now, there is always the “okay, what’s next?” factor. The itching sensation of the need for dissatisfaction because where there is dissatisfaction, there is a drive.

Many things have changed lately, and I felt a brief sense of accomplishment and rest for a time, but it isn’t enough. Nothing is ever enough. I’m so greedy in that sense.

How could someone be so happy, but so unsatisfied?

⋆˚꩜｡

Something I have been craving lately (and always) is a body of water. I love water. I love being around it and in it. I went to the lake recently, and I didn’t want to leave it. Only my feet were in it, but still. There is something so peaceful and healing about a body of water. It comforts me to my core. I think being in or around something so complex and larger than myself is peaceful. Everything that feels wrong feels so small.

A safe haven of sorts.

What’s funny is that I actually used to hate bodies of water and the pool. Now I can’t get enough. I may think of it as a representation of freedom. I remember two summers ago, my ex and I went to the pool on a whim, and I think that was the moment that really settled the thought that I didn’t want to be in a relationship anymore. Sounds so strange, but he wasn’t fun. He didn’t want to swim or even go in the water. Just sat there. Still took me seven months to leave him, but I remember that hot July day…

The next summer, I spent nearly half of it at the pool. I swam and basked in it. The water hugged me, making me feel lighter (physically and mentally). I just felt…better when I was there. I still do.

I crave an ocean, though. A beautiful ocean that really will carry me into a distance greater than I.

𓇼𓇼𓇼

An album I have been loving lately is Kiss the Sun by Asal.

Banger after banger. Each song screams to me. I’ll share a few of my favorite lyrics:

“Your kiss might have saved me.” - for keeps

“My baby don’t play; she plays for keeps.” - for keeps

“Had to go and kill my pride for good.” - what a waste

“Baby, I think you should waste a chance on me.” - plans?

“If you wanna dance, I know the song to play.” - plans?

“That’s the way it goes.” - that’s the way it goes

Just a few; I won’t overwhelm you. I highly suggest you listen to the album. It’s the most comforting piece of art.

˙⋆✮

Poems over the past few weeks:

Karmatic Ruins

The world must want me to fail

For my heart to break

To realize that this isn’t all mine

♡

Depths

Pray for me as I fall deeper

Deeper

Deeper

Until I am near the bottom

I run my fingertips along it

Almost there

♡

Wind Breaks Fire

The grazing of my fingertips against your skin

Whispering my secrets

Lips traveling down to tell you how I feel

Looking up at you

Pleasure seeking

Your hand forcefully in my hair

My head is dancing with your guidance

You moan a mystery

Does it feel nice to have me in your control?

♡

Earlier at work, I wrote a post called “some bullshit” because it was. I wrote it throughout my shift in between customers. It poorly tries to convey how some people prefer to sit in the pits of despair rather than look for the good in things. I think I could have written it better, but my phone doesn’t save drafts for some reason, so the post just had to go up. If I had to rewrite it, this is how it would go:

☾𖤓

“I think between the sun and the moon, there is a special place for the stars. The millions of tiny lights that make the night worth exploring. Guiding you north and connecting the dots to create a full picture. We tend to forget the lights that sparkle in the dark. We disregard them as if they are of no use to us. Just angel dust after we rub our eyes.

As humans, we crave the worst in everything. The drama, the chaos, the destruction. When something bad happens to us, everyone comes running to listen. The attention is present. When something good happens to us, people smile and envy whispers. The attention isn’t strong enough. Therefore, we would rather share and hear the bad. The reaction is more satiating. For this, I blame the media. It has conditioned us to pay more attention to the bad rather than the good. We pay more attention to the nine people who got shot versus the nine who were saved from a sinking ship. We thrive on it because it is the only thing worth acknowledging, rather than what is going on in/to ourselves.

When we are in situations where the sun is nowhere to be found, we feel at home. Watching the stars as we lay tired on the ground. We see the good, but we acknowledge nothing of it. Therefore, in the night sky, the stars die out, and the sky turns pitch black except for the moon. We then yearn for the sun.

We know the morning will come, so why not acknowledge the stars, the little pieces of good in the darkness? The night may be daunting, but it only lasts so long. What is so bad about basking in the sun for the short time you have with it? Why rest your head in the dark and accept your fate that you will die cold and alone?

Focus on what is good. Yearn as you please. Do not let the stars slip through your fingers, and when the darkness comes, assess the phases of the moon as a possibility and explore those opportunities. Stop depriving yourself of what you want and what is good because you’re more comfortable staying hidden in the dark.”

♡ ♡ ♡

That’s all for now.

Ciao.

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We tend to forget the lights that sparkle in the dark and we disregard them as if they are of no use to us. Just angel dust after we rub our eyes in the morning.

I believe as humans, we always want the worst in everything. When something bad happens to us, we know people want to hear so they feel good about themselves. We rarely share the good because envy wraps around our ankles and holds us down. We get no attention when we shine, but when the lights go out, everyone notices. I wish we’d change this part about ourselves.

I think it’s been conditioned into us from the media. We pay more attention to the nine people who got shot rather than the nine that were saved from a sinking ship. We celebrate the chaos and destruction. We thrive on it because it is the only thing worth watching and reacting to to avoid acknowledging what’s happening to us, personally.

When we are in situations where the light is no where to be found, we feel at home. Admiring the stars as we lay on the ground. We see the good, but acknowledge nothing, so the stars die out and the sky turns pitch black. We then yearn for the sun. The sunlight that reflects off the moon is only the window to see what we want, but it’s forever changing.

You know that morning will come, so why not study the stars and all the little things that light up the sky as the sun rises from the horizon? Acknowledge what is good. Acknowledge what is being offered to you. Explore the opportunities by connecting the dots to see the bigger picture. The night may be daunting, but it only lasts so long.

We know what we want. We know we can get it. We know that the night will resurface again.

So what is so scary about basking in the light for the short time you have with it?

Focus on what is good. Yearn as you please. Don’t let the stars slip through your fingers and when the darkness comes, assess the phases of the moon and explore the opportunities that the sunlight shows.

Stop depriving yourself of what you want and what is good because you’re more comfortable staying hidden in the dark.

All poems written by me, myself, and I

The Bedroom

Below you, I feel no shame

On top, I feel vulnerable

When your breath touches my skin

It sends a heat that not even the air can spare

I swore to never love you

But when you are above me

I am yours

(from: a bucket of lemons by melanie o.)

Sheets

I lie here dripping

As you walk away

You have no clue

The mess you’ve made

I gasp into the night

Hoping one day this will be us

Flesh at midnight

Tangled together

Telling me how long you’ve craved this

Wanted this

As I hit my peak

I turn over and smell you

All over my sheets

Pondering

Enfolded in thoughts of you

I allow myself to wonder

How would you feel?

How do your lips taste?

Why don’t I just touch you?

I want you

Therefore, we should fuck each other senselessly

Until my legs wrap around you, shaking

Time and time again

A secret trust

Filled with lust

Craving You

Tonight I will play with myself

Imagining my fingers as your own

I will touch my lips

Craving your every kiss

Moaning softly into the air

As I reach for you

But you’re not there

Attachment

You carve yourself inside of me slowly

Dripping water to distract the burn

Making me want more

You know what you’re doing

I sense a taste of your affectionate pace

Wrapping my hair in your hands

Anxiously waiting to be in your space

(from: a bucket of lemons by melanie o.)

Yours

I am yours

Guide me where you want me

Taste me as you please

Kiss me lightly

Harder…

Contact

The smell of you destroys me

The scent that lingers on my skin

Until the water runs over my body

Rinsing off our lustful sins

I must see you again

To replace the sweat that we shared skin to skin

Matter of Time

The thought of all we could’ve done

How many times could your hands have run through my hair?

How many times would I have moaned into your breath?

Scratching your back as we rest

I wonder what was so bad that held us back

Fear or trust, temptation, and lust

I hope you enjoyed.

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♡

I do not have much to say because there is nothing to dwell on. Anger? Non-existent. Sadness? Don’t know her. So what’s a girl to do when she is too happy to create?

I am swirling in ecstasy, and everything feels like a cycle of revolving hell has been broken, but we all know that doesn’t last.

We create when we feel deeply; depth is always associated with darkness. Coping with the fact that we may die down there, we must create our own light. Colors and words that provide hope can only be made for oneself, and by the off chance you leave it in the depths, you may produce light for another. That is what makes creative suffering feel worth it.

But what if we are bobbing on the surface, staring at the sun? Knowing that all is well, and we could swim to the shore when we want to, warm, carried by the saltwater’s buoyancy?

We embrace fear. Fear that we will soon be inevitably dragged under by an unseen force. It is the price we pay for happiness. Consistent fear that it will all end.

Therefore, is anyone truly happy?

There is a reason we don’t swim to the shore. If we did, we’d feel nothing. Everything would be safe and blissful. Nothing to drag us down into the depths, right? You see, safety is always a lie. No one is safe. You forget that there are bigger things that can take you right back into the ocean.

Hurricanes and tsunamis. Winds that will push you back, waves that will grasp you and take you under. You can never run from the depths. You may only bask in the sun and wiggle your toes in the sand for a moment or two before life takes you and shows you that it is cruel. Revealing itself to you in the most psychotic ways.

Your best bet is to sail on a boat. Never leave the ocean, for it always wants to hold you. Don’t dive into the waters with a flashlight in hand; artificial light will give you a false sense of security (positivity), and it will always run out of power. There is only so much you can do.

When you return to the depths, remember that you will eventually float to the surface. Embrace the darkness and create your light, but when the sun kisses your cheeks, and the warm breeze wraps around your skin, remember the depths and don’t be afraid to fall back in.

For on the first day God created light, so why can’t you?

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♡

IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER

Crimson Peak: ★ ★ ★ ☆ ☆

Gothic horror, my fave. Didn’t really do much for me, though. It was okay, loved the love story dynamic, but hated how it wasn’t as scary as I thought it would be.

Cruel Intentions (2024, Show): ★★★★★

Holy guacamole…this show was amazing. Absolutely insane plot. I am incredibly fucking pissed it got canceled. I think about it a lot.

Frankenstien: ★★★★★

One of my new all-time favorite movies. Gothic horror, AGAIN. Absolutely amazing, I have seen it five times now.

The Grand Budapest Hotel: ★★★★☆

Okay, Wes Anderson is one of my favorites. I had never seen this movie until now, and I do not know why. I fucking loved it. If you know anything about me, I love aesthetics, and this movie did it for me. So much fun to watch, look at, etc. The story was great.

Death Becomes Her: ★★★★☆

Okay, this was just a fun fucking movie. So funny.

The Riot Club: ★☆☆☆☆

This movie is probably good to some people, but if there is one thing I cannot fucking stand, it is people bullying people who just don’t fucking deserve it. The way they beat the shit out of that restaurant owner just because they felt entitled hurt me and pissed me off so much that it ruined the whole movie for me. No redemption arc (even though I hate those). This movie fucking needed one. It pissed me off; I still feel so strongly about this movie. My chest hurts just remembering it. Fucking no.

The French Dispatch: ★★★☆☆

Love Wes Anderson. Loved the aesthetics, but damn, I didn’t have a wanking fucking clue what this movie was about.

Kill Your Darlings: ★★★★★

Wow. Just wow. Amazing fucking movie. Just fucking amazing. Highly recommend. Watch it.

The Edge of Love: ★★★☆☆

Firstly, love Cillian. That is exactly why I watched it. I am not a fan of war movies, but this was honestly pretty good. I loved the friendships in the movie and the love triangles. The only complaint was that there wasn’t a solid, cohesive storyline, and it was slow. Other than that, peak.

Call Me By Your Name: ★★★★★

No words. Perfection.

Hot Summer Nights: ★★★★☆

This was fun, hot, and fresh. Great movie.

Portrait of a Lady on Fire: ★★★★★

OH, THIS MOVIE WILL BREAK YOU. I loved it.

Something Very Bad Is Going To Happen (Show): ★★★★★

Oh, this threw me for a loop. I was unable to predict anything in this show. This was amazing. Please watch this; it is worth the hype.

Steve: ★★★★☆

Again, love Cillian, but this movie was great. Heartbreaking, but great. Although slow.

Sirens (Show): ★★★★☆

I went into this show blind, and I am so happy I did. It was so captivating and exhilarating.

Lord of the Flies (Show): ★★★☆☆

The only reason I didn’t rate this show higher was that they fucked up Piggy’s death. That’s all. Other than that, very, very well done.

Tell Me Lies (Show): ★★★★☆

This was the first time I had ever watched the show. I cannot believe I hadn’t earlier. This is definitely worth all the hype.

We Were Liars (Show): ★★★★☆

Went into this one blind as well. Glad I did. COULD NOT predict the ending. Fantastic.

Chainsaw Man: Reze Arc: ★★★☆☆

Love Chainsaw Man; the movie didn’t do too much for me, though.

Black Phone 2: ★★★★☆

Way better than the first one, all I’m gonna say.

Jujutsu Kaisen: Execution: ★★☆☆☆

Love, love, love JJK. Didn’t enjoy the movie. I understand it was the beginning of the next season, but fuck man. AND SUKUNA DIDN’T COME OUT TO PLAY. PISSED.

The Housemaid: ★★★★☆

Peak.

Marty Supreme: ★★★★☆

Yeah, this was good. Although slow as fuckkkkkkk.

28 Years Later: The Bone Temple: ★★★★★

I have never seen any of the other movies, for starters, but this was GREAT.

Dracula: A Love Tale: ★★★★★★★★★★

My second favorite movie of all time. This was fantastic. I have seen it over ten times.

Wuthering Heights: ★★★★☆

I give this such a high rating for three reasons: Set design, costumes, and Jacob Elordi.

How to Make a Killing: ★☆☆☆☆

No.

Scream 7: ★☆☆☆☆

NO.

Undertone: ☆☆☆☆☆

No comment. (no.)

Reminders of Him: ★★★★☆

Yes, we hate Colleen Hoover. Yes, this movie was good.

Ready or Not 2: Here I Come: ★★☆☆☆

Fun, but boring. But fun. But boring.

Project Hail Mary: ★★★★★

AMAZE. AMAZE. AMAZE.

The Drama: ★★★★☆

Hilarious. Wild concept. Who wrote this? Fantastic.

Hoppers: ★★★★☆

Funny as fuck. I cried three times, though.

Forbidden Fruits: ★★★★☆

Mean Girls fucked Final Destination and made an aesthetically pleasing movie for the shes, theys, and gays.

Michael: ★★★★☆

Amazing, just really slow.

The Devil Wears Prada 2: ★★☆☆☆

There was only one Diet Coke, still meh.

The Sheep Detectives: ★★★★★

Hilarious, wild, sad. The winter sheep had me in tears. T E A R S.

Obsession: ★★★★★

If you relate to this movie, you need help; otherwise, it's amazing. One of my top five favorite movies.

HONORABLE MENTION: MY FAVORITE MOVIE OF ALL TIME

SALTBURN: ★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★

fucking watch it, asshole.

See you for part two in December ♡

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♡

Some modern online versions of feminism accidentally recreate the same restrictive gender rules they claim to hate. Feminism was supposed to free women from being shoved into one acceptable version of womanhood. But somewhere online, the message got weird. Now, if a woman is soft, she’s “setting women back.” If she has male friends, she’s “male-centered.” If she likes being feminine, she’s “brainwashed.” If she has masculine traits, she’s “trying to be a man.” At what point did liberation turn into another rulebook?

A woman having masculine energy, male friends, softness, ambition, femininity, sexuality, independence, or emotional depth does not make her less of a woman or less of a feminist. The entire point should be choice, not replacing one cage with another.

This is where people have me fucked up.

If feminism is only acceptable when a woman looks a certain way, thinks, dates, works, speaks, and emotionally performs in a certain way, then what exactly did we liberate?

We didn’t free women. We just changed the chains.

Now, instead of being told by conservative men that we’re too loud, opinionated, too independent, too sexual, too ambitious, too much, we have women online telling other women the same things with different vocabulary. I’m sorry, but it’s all the same shit.

A woman having a male friend does not automatically mean she is desperate for male attention or a “pick me.” Sometimes she just has…friends. Maybe she works in a male-dominated field. Maybe she just connects with men more easily. Maybe she just enjoys friendships not built around silently competing with one another. Not every woman who laughs with a man is screaming pick-me-energy. Sometimes she’s just fucking laughing.

And this is where the internet has become painful to observe. A woman can have a normal human interaction with a man, and suddenly she is “male-centered.” She can say she wants love, and suddenly, she isn’t independent and needs to rely on a man for her whole life. She can enjoy dressing up, but it’s “all for the male gaze.” So what is she allowed to be? A floating orb of neutral female empowerment who pays rent, journals, drinks matcha, has no desire, no softness, no anger, no sexuality, no male friends, no contradiction, and no fucking pulse?

Women are human beings. That means we are inconsistent, layered, contradictory, etc. We are not political statements with arms and legs. We aren’t fucking Pinterest boards. We are not required to turn everything into a dissertation on whether or not it serves the movement.

Sometimes I want to be soft, left alone, loved, and in control. None of that confuses me; it makes me alive. The problem is not women's masculinity. The problem is that we decide which traits belong to men and which belong to women in the first place. Logic is not male, emotion is not female. Protection, softness, independence, beauty, desire, tenderness, discipline, leadership, anger, humor, vulnerability, etc., etc., etc. These are all human traits. We assigned them genders and then acted shocked when we all started suffocating over it.

A woman should not have to choose between being respected and being soft. She should not have to choose between being feminine and being smart. She should not have to choose between having male friends and being taken seriously by other women. The whole point is that she gets to choose herself without everyone standing around with a checklist to see if she passed the feminist vibe check.

And honestly, I think a lot of it comes from fear. Women have been hurt by men, used by them, dismissed, and lied to by men. Made smaller by men. So I understand why some women react by building a worldview where anything associated with men becomes suspicious. I get that. There is real pain there, but healing cannot just be avoidance dressed up as empowerment. You cannot build an entire identity around proving you do not need men, care about men, do not listen to men, don’t laugh with me, and then call that freedom if the whole thing is still orbiting around men.

That is not decentering men. That is just centering them negatively.

Real freedom is not needing male approval, but it is also not needing female approval for how much you reject male approval. Real freedom is being able to have a boyfriend, or not. Have male friends, or not. Be soft, or don’t be. Be feminine, masculine, both, neither, I don't fucking care, change every three business days. I don’t care. Just be free.

That is the part people forget. Choice only counts when women choose things you personally would not choose. It is easy to support women when they are living exactly as you think an empowered woman should. The real test is whether you still believe in women’s freedom when she wants something traditional or romantic or messy or different from you, etc.

Feminism should not mean every woman has to become the same kind of woman. It should mean every woman gets to stop apologizing for the kind of woman she already is.

A woman can be what a woman wants to be. Don’t put her back in chains because it isn’t up to your “feminist” standards.

♡

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Welcome back!. Let’s go over week one. Episode three can be found HERE.

Let’s get into it!

EPISODE 4

LIVE COMMENTARY

I do feel really bad for Sincere. He tried to explain, but she was just so reactive.

I do not like Bea or her fuckin’ attitude. I’m sorry, I just cannot stand her. She’s giving the mean girl. She’s sitting there wanting so much validation from Gabe, and he’s smiling over Kenzie and lying through his teeth. LMFAO. You can tell he doesn’t want her as much after talking to Kenzie. Bea tryna make him feel special to save it. LOL!

Melanie is talking to Aniya after her and Sincere’s chat, and she’s acting like she didn’t dig that hole. This girl deflects so hard, and for fuck sake you know Kayda’s name, stop it.

Sean is coming after Kenzie, HARD. LMFAO. I’m also gonna say it again: how tf do Bea and Gabe even have a connection if all they do is make out?

Showing Sincere with a fuckin’ apple in his mouth lookin’ goofy as hell was the funniest thing I have ever seen.

WHY ARE ME AND MEL THE SAME? LMFAO. I ALSO CHOOSE NOT TO SEE.

Zach shaves his legs? Interesting.

CHALLENGE TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!

KC falling out of the chair SENT ME LOL!

This game is fun, I like it.

BEA GOING AFTER SINCERE IS CRAZY. HE PICKED HER UP. MEL IS GONNA LOSE IT. Then she goes after Kenzie?!

Trinity looks like Serena (S6) in this game. She and Sean went AT it. Then she puts Bryce in the slime for FAKING IT?

Mel is going allllll in god damn and not KC GRINDING AND HUMPING ON HER. She’s sliming Kayda and saying, “Fake love, fake love.” Mel is such a mean girl for that god damn. Then her and Sincere’s kiss?! God DAMN!

Kenzie put on a SHOW!!!!!! GO GIRL GOOOOO!!!!!!!!! 10/10!!!!!

KAYDA LMFAOOOOOOO GOING AFTER SINCERE WAS THE CORRECT MOVE. YES. HAHAHAHAHAHA SHEEEESSSHHHHHHHHH GOD DAMN.

Mel switched up fast, damn. That bombshell got to her.

Okay accountability…good job, Mel. 🤏🏻🤏🏻🤏🏻🤏🏻🤏🏻🤏🏻

Yes, okay, Bea, push her onto the bombshell, smart move.

FIREPIT TIME

Corbin is FYYYYYNNNEEEEEEE god DAMN. His voice is so hot, too.

The boys are SHOOK, and KC looks PISSED. LMFAO

Mel pulling Corbin for a chat SO FAST was crazy after all her shit. Sincere is pissed. The girls are pissed, but props to her for taking initiative.

BEA SHUT THE FUCKING FUCK UP. YOU DUMB BITCH EVERYONE IS FAIR GAME.

NEW BOMBSHELL

Corbin

FINAL COUPLES

same as last episode

ICONIC LINES

“There he goes…”

“A lil black t’ing.”

“Damn, she’s gettin’ some of that turtle tongue right now. That’s crazy.”

“I’m a fuckin’ dog.”

“Ladies, are you gonna tell them?”

F I N A L T H O U G H T S

Fucking hate Bea. Melanie had every right to pull Corbin. Kenzie is obviously talking to Corbin after Mel, because they were both off-screen. Shit is fair game, Bea just doesn’t like Mel. Simple as that. Everyone is trippin’, and I am excited, and I think Mel should bitch out Bea.

Ratings

Freakiness Rating: 10/10

Entertainment rating: 10/10

Drama rating: 10/10

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Note: These are all my own opinions. Thank you.

Welcome back!. Let’s go over week one. Episode two can be found HERE.

Let’s get into it!

EPISODE THREE

LIVE COMMENTARY

I don’t think Bea and Sean are compatible at all. The fact that they both took standing on red/green differently says enough for me. You didn’t know there were going to be bombshells, so you chose not to lock in the partnership. I am with Sean on this one. I don’t think they should explore the connection anymore.

Kenzie refusing to talk to Zach was hilarious; she wouldn’t even look at him. I love her for that. 😂

Also, what the fuck is up with all the loud ass kissing!?

Gabe and Bea have GOT to stop fucking kissing. LMFAO WTF

Kenzie and Sean?????? That morning wake up? Him walking right over to her?

SINCERE PULLING KAYDA FOR A CHAT? LMFAO MELANIE IS GOING TO LOSE HER SHIT.

Kenzie and Gabe’s conversation is better than Gabe and Bea’s. I said it. She seems way more interested in getting to know him, and he’s showing he is capable of conversation and not just making out. Bea’s face towards them is ridiculous since she just gave a whole speech to Sean and everyone else that they shouldn’t be that hooked on someone after 24 hours.

Melanie has found out that Sincere pulled Kayda. UH-OH! Girl, be real, you’re pissed. She’s crying now, saying people get sick of her. Felt. Mel and I are the same. LOL. She is speaking fucking facts right now.

Kenzie dumping the drink down her throat when the game got announced is so me. 😂

ROLE PLAY AS THE TERMINATOR?!?!? LMFAO

Who slept with a 52-year-old? My guess is Bryce, but it was Gabe. Bryce just gives off that energy…

TRINITY LMFAO OH MY GOD????? (Giving head while her mom was in the car.)

Sincere, she ghosted someone in HIGH SCHOOL. Grow up.

Who came all over their friend’s pillow? Kayda. Oh my god. LMFAO. Why would you admit that on public television?

Kenzie just wanted to push that man in the pool LMFAO. I knew it was Bryce.

Sincere is so fucked after that. So fucked. Melanie looks like Kenzie in episode one. Oh my god.

Kenzie and Sean kissing in the pool?!

Melanie is gonna cause some DRAMA. I can feel it. Oh my god. SHE JUST CALLED KAYDA, KATIE. Bye LOL 😂 😂 😂 This girl got TRUST ISSSUUUEESSS. She’s fucking herself, and she’s just digging the hole deeper and deeper and deeper.

NEW BOMBSHELLS

NONE. BOO.

FINAL COUPLES E2:

Sincere & Melanie

Gabe & Bea

KC & Aniya

Kayda & Zach

Trinity & Bryce

Single:

Kenzie and Sean

ICONIC LINES E2:

“I won’t let him see my eyes because that’s the only thing he complimented.”

“That’s such a W response, bro.”

“…and me, I’m on the plate too.”

“What if he gets sick of me?”

“You can still have two fishes and be like wow, these are beautiful fish.”

“I’m sorry for…I can’t do this.”

“Hola, ¿cómo estás? Muy bien, ¿y tú?”

“I’m so beach.”

“Are you an eater? Bro is definitely an eater.”

“It actually made my kitty purr a little.”

“Shit, everyone is goin’ jorts?”

“I’m not blind, I’m just missin’ my leg.”

“We gotta make sure we check these pillows.”

“You’ve met your fuckin’ match if you do that with me.”

“What’s her name? Katie.”

F I N A L T H O U G H T S

Melanie is gonna cause some drama. We all know it. I know her jealousy is gonna be a problem, it’s giving Huda.

I think everyone else is in an okay position, but I also feel like Bea is gonna clock Kenzie. The first challenge is next, EXCITING. It always causes drama. Love it.

Ratings

Freakiness Rating: 3/10

Entertainment rating: 7.7/10

Drama rating: 9/10

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Note: These are all my own opinions. Thank you.

I had a dream earlier that felt like a two-week-long attack. People from my past arrived, even if I never associated with them, and each one took their own hit. I got bitched out for selfishness, for avoidance, for so many things beyond what I could have mustered up myself concious. Most of those are personal issues and small things, but there was one part that felt recurring in a sense. Each one of my lovers came forward like the ghosts of Christmas past. Some relayed messages that didn’t relate to my ability to love or not to love, some just expressed surface-level things, nothing important, but one got me thinking.

This lover was no one significant; in fact, I forgot I was ever involved with him. It was a short-lived romance that amounted to nothing. He doesn’t hold a strong foundation in my head, but he was present, and he said this to me, “You need to be honest with yourself. You’re sick of not loving and being in love. You’re pushing it all away because you feel undeserving.” I asked why I felt undeserving. He replied, “Because you feel like you fuck everything up because of your inability to acknowledge what actually went down. You refuse to see what you do to yourself. You bring sadness to your lovers, but suffering to yourself.”

God damn. He was right.

I understand it’s my fed-up subconscious, waiting for me to process what I refuse to. I know it’s just myself talking to myself about myself, but I can’t help but face the fact that I think it’s time I acknowledge it all.

And I have decided to publicly do that on Substack. Why wouldn’t I?

How will I do this? I will type and type until I finally acknowledge what I already know to be true.

Let’s start with something I say, “I have never felt sadness after I have broken up with anybody.” (For reference, I have never been broken up with.)

That just isn’t fucking true. Point blank, period. I can’t even defend this one if I wanted to. I do get upset; in fact, I get so upset about being alone that I push everything down and jump to the next one. I think every single time I have broken up with someone, I have regretted it two hours later, but I do nothing about it. Why? Because why go back on my word? Why go back if I had decided not to be there in the first place? It feels like betraying myself. The damage is already done. Therefore, I jump to the next.

This most recent breakup, I didn’t. Not by choice, exactly, more so because right after I left him, I messaged the one I wanted to begin with, and he was unavailable. I sat there heartbroken. More heartbroken than I was twenty-four hours prior as I looked at my boyfriend of almost three years and broke his heart. That is when I realized it was time to stop. I have stopped. I have stopped looking. In fact, I have convinced myself I am so okay being alone that I actually believe it, which is a great thing, but sometimes I am up at 4 AM writing poetry about how I have so much love to give and no one to give it to.

But I snap out of it. Boy, oh, boy, am I fuckin’ good at that.

Next, “I love to play the game.” (I wrote an article about the game here.)

I used to play the game. I did. I loved it, but not as much as I tell people I do. The game is fun, exciting, but also irritating. It frustrates me; I hate playing it. In fact, I get so mad at myself for playing it that I just collapse every time. Collapse, as in, I fuck my own emotions up so much that I start to lose my fucking mind. I get impatient, irritable, and sometimes manipulative. I will still never make the first move, but I get so angry inside.

I haven’t played in a while. I am so happy I haven’t. It is something I don’t think I would do to myself or someone else ever again. I think I might stick with everyone’s “go with the flow” thing.

I think I played it as a kink and maybe as a way to ensure that they sought after me more than I would seek after them. A way to make myself feel better about myself.

Honestly, I am just really sick of the way I have been treating myself over it all. I could go over many things, but nothing will change the fact that I do make myself suffer. I suffer in the name of karma. I have disregarded others’ feelings, as well as my own. I have never processed anything; I do not need to. It’s too late for that.

All I can do moving forward is be honest with myself. Maybe take more chances, indulge in some fantasies, and maybe even just be fucking honest. My lord is being honest a scary thing.

One of my friends posted on here, “I could be head over heels, and they wouldn’t know a thing,” or something like that. Who knows, but I read that this morning, and it made me think, so I will include this since this article is about shit like this.

I do the same thing. I wish I didn’t. I feel as if doing that is just self-harm to the maximum. Overbearing self-protection. It is actually something that has fucked me in the past with the boy I mentioned that I texted earlier. He never knew I liked him. We were just friends who fucked sometimes. He never knew, and it absolutely fucked me. I ended up imagining him while my boyfriend was inside of me, and I would yearn for him deeply and did for a while after I found out he was unavailable to pick up where we left off.

I often think what could’ve been if I had just opened my mouth and told him how I felt. Even if it went south, at least I could’ve been happy with what I chose for a time. I could’ve been happier in general. He was everything I wanted, well, at least he checked off most of my “list”.

I also fucked myself one other time.

It was all me. I was with a boy who was (I am literally about to cry writing this) possibly the great love of my life. I fucked it all up. Why? Out of selfishness. I didn’t want to be officially together because I didn’t want the outside world to fuck it all up. What a fucking dumbass I was. Now I hate the city and anything that reminds me of him. All a reminder of the time I fucked myself over and refused myself what I actually wanted, again.

So I have fucked myself over twice. I have refused two people I actually wanted in exchange for what? Pain. Pain and fucking suffering. All because I was selfish and didn’t want to fess up to how I felt. Pathetic, childish behavior. Disgusting.

To get back on topic, yes, I am okay being single for the time being. Yes, I do wish I at least had a little fling going on. Yes, I do wish someone would just kiss me, and I can float into the stars. Yes, I am aware I have fucked myself.

I am aware of what I have done to make myself suffer over the years. I am aware that I was the problem, and I plan not to be moving forward.

I encourage anyone reading this to be honest with themselves. Be honest in general. As I said in my journal entry this morning, shoot your fucking shot. Do not be me, do not suffer. If I had been less selfish and more honest, I would’ve been a lot happier. I deprived myself of that and hurt others in the process. Don’t be me.

Because what the fuck is the point of suffering?

There’s no satisfaction in that.

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♡

The past two days I spent working and at the pool. On both days, I felt on top of the world. Today, with the thunderstorms and the sun absent from the sky, I find myself kind of pissed off. Pissed off at everything, actually. Not in a way where I am actually angry, but when you hear something you don’t want to hear, and then everyone fucking bothers you all morning. (Including Grammarly, which is yelling at me about commas.) Everyone is knocking on my door and calling my phone, and I just want to be at peace with my surroundings, but right now, they’re so loud.

I have a headache from being in the sun, not eating, and drinking. I feel so sick to my stomach on top of it. My alarm just went off, and I felt my chest tighten out of frustration. Then Grammarly just pissed me off with the comma again. I’ve been awake for about an hour and a half now, and I can’t help but wonder what I am going to do to get out of this rut.

I feel like this always happens on my day off. I have nothing to do, so all the emotions and shit I’ve been avoiding sit at my mind’s dining room table. Ready to be fed and talked to. The best I can do is scrambled eggs and scrambled thoughts.

There is one thought that sits at the head of the table. I don’t talk to it. I don’t even feed it. It stares at me, asking when I will acknowledge what I know to be true but ultimately avoid it out of uncertainty and a little fear. No matter how much I starve it, it stays well-fed and daunting. It doesn’t starve, it can’t. It keeps being fed by someone else, and it stares.

I saw this reel on Instagram today. They said, “You miss all the shots you don’t take.” We’ve all heard that before; most of us agree, but ignore it anyway. It made me think of all the shots I’m not taking. There are very few. There is one I avoid like the plague. That’s the thought that stares. I just find it funny that most of us “do it for the plot,” yet we end up stepping back from what we want in the plot. We crave XYZ, but only accept ABC for who knows what other reason than self-destruction and fear. It’s a form of self-harm at this point. Avoiding things you want out of the possibility that it is not meant for you, or it won’t go exactly how you planned. Shit happens.

I say this and want you to know that I will still avoid talking to the shadow at the head of my mind’s dining room table. I’m not perfect, but I encourage you to take your shots, and hopefully you make it in. Do better than me at least. Please, take the shot.

I’m kind of pissed I didn’t get enough of a tan the past few days. You’d think with a UV of 8 and sitting directly in the sun without sunscreen, I would at least burn, but no. Apparently, my body has natural sun armor this year. Totally not cool, man.

I miss the sun, and it hasn’t even been twenty-four hours since it last grazed my skin. I used to dislike the sun and the heat, but I was unhappy then. Checks out. I preferred the storms and the winter and accepted them as my fate. Cold and dark. Now I see my future as happy and full of opportunity, and the sun validates that. Strange how my mood is so weather-based, makes me seem more bipolar than I actually am.

I do love the sound of the rain, though. I’m sitting here listening to the pitter-patters, feeling my body relax in response. It’s quieter now. Probably because I turned my phone on “leave me tf alone” mode. No one can get through that.

I just needed a break. I talk to everyone all day, swiping back and forth between texts, Substack, and Instagram. I talk a lot, I always have, but burnout will creep up on you. It’s like all the lightbulbs in your house burn out at the same time. How much rest does it take to replace them all?

I’m starving, but I won’t eat. I will feel like throwing up for hours. I am aware that this is terrible, but everything just sounds so gross lately. I’m like a dog that doesn’t eat because its owner is gone. Just starving and refusing. The nicotine stops curbing the appetite at some point, too. Makes it so much worse. I also ate 16 hours ago, so it’s not that bad. Not like I am purposefully starving myself. Although what I had was mostly carbs, it went through my system quickly. No substance.

Last night I got upset over something stupid. I was just so tired, felt like I was being attacked, and shut down pretty quickly. Obviously, I had an attitude; I didn’t like it. I sat there in my bed afterward and was just confused why I acted the way I did until I realized that I just wasn’t getting my way. How pathetic of me.

I think that’s something I struggle with. When I don’t get my way, even with something so incredibly small, I get upset. I shouldn’t. Not everything is going to go my way; that’s why I avoid the shadow that doesn’t starve. Fuck, I wish it would starve. I act like a fucking child. Most of the time, I don’t show it, but it came out last night, and I felt dissatisfied with myself. I had to admit I was wrong for it, and I sent myself back to sleep. I shouldn’t have woken up to begin with, and if it was inevitable, I should have shut the fuck up and just gone back to sleep.

But what’s a girl to do other than to be imperfect?

Lately, I have wondered why I am such a lyric person. I think it’s because I want to hear my thoughts out loud. I want to use the songs as an expression for feelings I don’t have the words (or guts) to say myself. I feel like we all do that sometimes. That’s why sharing songs can be so intimate, sometimes.

I have to get an oil change, so I need to clean my car and get gas before I do. I will stop here and continue on with my day. Remember to take your shots and stop being such a pussy. xx

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♡

Mel:

At some point, everyone online became either a publicist, prosecutor, or hostage negotiator. Nobody can say shit anymore without some bitch named Jessica in the comments explaining why people are offended by ASMR chewing because of overstimulation for hypersensitve people or something.

Not all content is made for everyone, and you have the choice to scroll and not fucking watch it. Every platform has an “uninterested” button. Use it.

I’m not saying people should be cruel assholes. I don’t think comedy is automatically good just because someone said something offensive and then calls everyone else sensitive. That’s just being a fucking dickhead. What I mean is that people are scared to be weird, a little fucked up, and mildly cross boundaries. They’re scared to be wrong or speak their mind.

The internet has made everyone painfully fucking literal. You can say, “I want to disappear into the woods and become a raccoon,” and some annoying sack of shit will come in and say, “This is actually harmful to people who live in rural communities.” Bitch what the fuck are you saying? I’m not actually going to turn into a damn raccoon and live in the fuckin’ woods. That’s actually impossible on so many levels.

Shit pisses me off.

That’s why and I started because we missed real conversations that actually flowed and jokes that were actually funny. Yeah, we push the boundaries sometimes, but fuck, what great comedy doesn’t? It isn’t a podcast where we care about political correctness or touching on world events. It’s a safe space for people who just want to relax and have a great laugh.

It’s just two people laughing, talking, spiraling, being dramatic, asking stupid questions, and saying what everyone is thinking. It’s basically hanging out with us, literally. It’s personable, unscripted, and unedited. As most things should be.

I don’t think funny people have disappeared (because we’re funny and we exist), but I do think they’re in hiding. They are in private group chats where the conversations don’t start with “don’t judge me.” They are the people we need in our lives because they keep everything light-hearted and funny. We go to them to cheer up and have a great laugh. What are they hiding from? You fucking people.

Cancel culture is a toxic disease. Just because you cancel something or someone doesn’t mean it’s going to change or disappear. Yeah, some people are fucking terrible, and companies are fucked up, but damn dude. Y’all be canceling people for the most stupid shit I’ve ever seen. I got canceled on here for two days because I decided to make a funny article title. Fuckin’ hell.

I’m just sick and tired of it. I am tired of people being afraid to be funny. We need to bring back funny. People love comedy. Comedy is comedy, and if you get offended, don’t fucking interact or watch it.

So, if you are sick and tired of everyone acting like they are one wrong sentence away from being exiled from society, come over to the dark side and listen to RDT. We ain’t perfect. We’re not brand-safe. We are here to talk shit, laugh, and maybe accidentally say something profound.

Give it a try. If you get offended, grow balls.

Geo:

It never used to be that way either. I remember the world when people weren’t afraid to be “canceled,” whatever the fuck that means. The world was so much more fun then. Movies were a lot better, shows were more entertaining, and best of all, people didn’t get offended so easily. I miss those days where being a little unhinged didn’t mean people complaining and crying about it to the point they get “depressed”. Parts of the world are still unhinged as fuck, and they live happier and better. If you wanna live longer and be happier, don’t be politically correct, but do be more unapologetic in your conversations.

All in all, people have lost the art of being funny. No one laughs at dinner tables anymore, and everyone is either on their phones doomscrolling or talking about how “Stacy and her boyfriend are back together”. Stacy, please shut the fuck up. This is the 5th time you guys are back together, and nobody fucking cares. Just break up and devote your life to Jesus and become a born-again virgin like everyone else does, right? All I’m saying is if you want a funny conversation, you should have it without fear of being judged. We do that here at RDT, and you should give it a listen.

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Spotify: Raw Dawging Thoughts (click episode link above)

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Welcome back!. Let’s go over week one. Episode one can be found HERE.

Let’s get into it!

EPISODE TWO

LIVE COMMENTARY

Zach didn’t stand at Kenzie’s door, and I think we all predicted that, to be honest. She was so incredibly upset, and at first, I felt kind of bad for her, but like, girl. You’ve known him for 24 hours? Then she goes on to talk about how she wants her Prince Charming…you want that from Love Island? Wrong place, go home. LOL!

Sean got ding-dong ditched, too, which was also expected after Bea’s comment about not wanting to date anyone with a kid. But if you knew that, you shouldn’t have matched to begin with. Not a good look, girl…

I’m happy with the couples who stayed (Mel & Sincere, KC & Aniya). I thought that was good. I’m glad Trinity and Bryce split. He was giving…gross. I really am not a fan of Bryce, to be honest.

In Paradise, Zach and Bryce seem SOOOO hungry for Kadya. Like Boys, what are you doing? Lookin’ desperate as fuck.

As for Bea and Trinity, they’re just genuinely having a conversation, and Gabriel is like…kind of giving me the ick. Heavily.

Melanie quizzing Sincere about the bombshell was HILARIOUS. I was laughing so hard, I would be curious too. The way he dodged all those questions, “I wasn’t paying that much attention.” YEAH OKAY. Look at your face, bruv! 😂

Kayda so wants Zach, I wouldn’t be surprised if they end up together at the end of the episode. Kenzie, still crying in the dressing room, is CRAZY. I also don’t think Gabriel likes Bea very much; he’s definitely feeling more for Trinity.

KAYDA LEAVING BRYCE OUT MADE ME DIE LAUGHING. I KNEW IT.

Sean making Kenzie breakfast didn’t surprise me. Her excitement about it didn’t surprise me either. I can see it. Kenzie gives off stepmommy energy.

Bryce's conviction that Trinity was standing on green is hysterical.

SINCERE, BABY, WHAT? Started describing Kayda’s outfit and height to Kenzie…didn’t you just say you weren’t paying attention?!

Opinion: No one should be off limits already. The fact that Melanie and Aniya are both acting off limits is wild. Melanie seems SET. She already came after Sincere, jealous, quizzing him about Kayda. Like girl, you have no right.

KC looks so uninterested in what Sean is bitching about.

Bryce and Kayda’s date was so fucking boring.

Kenzie pulling Sean for a CHAT?! This will be interesting…I feel like they had a good conversation, although Sean didn’t seem that into it. I think he just wanted someone to relate to.

“Islanders, please gather at the firepit immediately.”

Gabriel picked WHOOOOO!??!?!?!? WHATTTTTT?!???! I was not expecting that.

The way Kenzie read that text SENT ME LOL.

Kayda’s choice didn’t surprise me one fucking bit, lmfao.

Kenzie reminded me of Leah from season 6 when Zach and Kayda sat down. That little side eye roll…LOL.

NEW BOMBSHELLS

None.

FINAL COUPLES E2:

Melanie & Sincere

Aniya & KC

Bea & Gabriel

Kayda & Zach

Trinity & Bryce

ICONIC LINES E2:

“What did she look like? Any tattoos? What was she wearing?” 🫪

“I’M NOT GONNA CRY TODAY, I’M NOT GONNA CRY!”

“Hmm…pears!” 🍐

“I think Sincere really likes you…sincerely.”

“I’m about to look like a dooouucchheebag.”

“I feel like I’m in love with myself.”

“That’s a fucking lie.”

“I see two happy boys!” “A little too happy…”

*blows kiss “Thank you.” 💋

F I N A L T H O U G H T S

OKAY, leaving us hanging, again!!! Kenzie and Sean are both single and vulnerable, but they don’t seem to be kicked off, which means we’re either in for some new bombshells next episode, or something wild is gonna happen that moves everyone around. I’m excited. Kenzie blowing Zach a kiss and saying “Thank you” after he read the text about her being single and vulnerable was hilarious. I think we should keep her, she’s giving Kaylor mixed with Leah, and I am HERE for it. I think she’s my favorite right now, not gonna lie. She bothered me in episode one, but she’s soooo fucking funny, please don’t let her go home!!!!

Ratings

Freakiness Rating: 4/10

Entertainment rating: 6.8/10

Drama rating: 7.2/10

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Note: These are all my own opinions. Thank you.

LET’S GET INTO IT

I know this is different from my normal content, but this will only last six weeks.

Sorry in advance.

EPISODE ONE

Live Commentary

First impressions, everyone is so attractive, per usual. I really, really enjoy Melanie, but I am biased because we have the same name. I was kind of hoping she’d end up with Zach, but Mel and Sincere are so cute together. They have great chemistry so far.

KC and Aniya weren’t planned as a couple, but I think it’s cute that they ended up together. The fact that KC wanted Aniya to be behind that door is adorable, screams “when you know, you know.” I’m excited to see where their connection goes.

As for Zach and Kenzie…I could tell the second Zach opened that door, he wasn’t happy with who was behind it. I could tell even more when they were talking. He looked in pain. Kenzie is a sweet girl, but her eyes scare me half to death. Zach, being Charlie’s brother, is so funny; they’re both so attractive, though.

Bryce gives off “I’m here for clout” vibes. Asking Trinity if she wants avocado toast for breakfast, sent me because he’s from LA, and that just fully checks out via stereotype. Trinity is absolutely stunning. I am obsessed with her and her personality. I think it is a terrible match-up, though. The seven-year age gap obviously bothers her, and he just seems so disgustingly fake.

Sean and Bea make sense. They seem incredibly compatible, although her comment in the dressing room about how she doesn’t date guys with kids was wild. Why pick him? Just so strange. Hopefully, she can get over that because I think they work really well together. I just hope she isn’t toying with him. The kid comment threw me off.

I don’t think Zach is gonna stand for the Kenzie match-up. I think he will try to steal Mel, to be honest. She’s the only one he really looked interested in during the kissing. Bryce and Trinity just don’t add up. I think Bryce will linger towards Kenzie. So I think Bryce and Kenzie will become a thing at one point.

NEW BOMBSHELLS

Introducing Kayda and Gabriel.

Gabriel came in H O T. Love me a Brazilian. Although he came in with TOO much tongue.

Kayda came in sensual and ready to ruin shit. I love it.

Kenzie freaking out behind the door was the funniest thing when she heard Kayda and Zach kissing, not gonna lie, LOL! I will admit, her facial expressions are hilarious.

FINAL COUPLES

• …we shall see!

  ---

ICONIC LINES

“Are y’all superstitious about socks?”

“Bum.”

“Every girl has a roster.” * everyone shakes their head no *

“Sincerely, Sincere.”

“I’m a pretty, like…sensitive, emotional person.”

“I do electrical work on garbage trucks or something.”

“He’s a fed.”

“Bro, I told you, who the fuck got a plant?”

“I bring up One Direction, and I feel like that always works.”

“If I have to run someone over, I will.”

“Like at night?”

Ratings

Freakiness Rating: 8.3/10

Entertainment rating: 9.3/10

Drama rating: 7.3/10

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Note: These are all my own opinions. Thank you.