Actually, it’s a few things:

ESPRIT (at Costco).

Limited Too (at Kohl’s).

dELiA*s (at Target).

Brands we used to beg our parents to fund are now being resurrected for us as adults, some of whom have disposable income. Sadly, they’re not back to resurrect malls and getting the fanfare they deserve; they’re blending in to the non-mall stores we’re already shopping at.

And I’ll say it. I’m not sure I even want any of this new/old stuff.

I don’t need a Limited Too initial purse that can barely hold my phone. My torso wasn’t made for a dELiA*s baby tee. And I certainly don’t need to spend $88 recreating an outfit I wore to a seventh-grade dance, especially when I still cringe thinking about it.

What I want is the experience again.

I want a Delia’s catalog to show up in my mailbox completely unannounced, even though I check the mail once a month and automatically recycle everything in it. I want to spend hours circling things I have no intention of buying while sitting in an inflatable chair2 listening to Fastball’s The Way. I want to try on lime green overalls with my friends in a pink and purple dressing room and ask “are these cute?” to find out which of them tells the truth. I want color. And glitter. And for things to actually be whimsical instead of just using it as a buzzword.

Things need to have personality again!

Limited Too wasn’t just a clothing store. It was a 10-year-old’s imagination turned real life. Butterflies. Rhinestones. Fuzzy everything.3 Every square inch of the store looked like someone asked, “Should we tone this down?” and another person said, “Absolutely not.”

Now? You can use Kohl’s Cash4 to buy a black or navy Limited Too sweatshirt.

Let me make that clear… Muted colors… from Limited Too…

I’m sorry, but who is she?5 Somewhere out there, a butterfly clip has lost its wings.

dELiA* wasn’t used for actual shopping purchases6, it was entertainment. The original influencer, if you will. It was a lifestyle I never actually had because I was too scared to order something from a catalog and not be able to return it. There was no algorithm tracking how long I stared at a striped spaghetti strap shirt and no abandoned cart notification to follow. I just admired and moved on.

And yes, I was genuinely excited to stumble across ESPRIT at Costco while making my way there to eat my weight in free samples. But I don’t want a giant ESPRIT logo slapped on a sweatshirt on a pallet sitting next to a bulk pack of Sonicare toothbrush replacements. Logos aren’t personality. They’re just… logos

Did these brands all hire the same creative director who decided “elevated,” “timeless,” and “quiet luxury”, were trends they capitalize on? Did they secretly form a union against the color analysis industry to no longer cater to people who are bright summers?

The comebacks feel like they were designed to appeal to everyone, which means they’re trying to be inoffensive. Limited Too would never survive a modern focus group. Someone would've complained about the amount of glitter. And just like that7 glitter is cut. Partly because someone complained and partly because someone else looked up the cost of glitter in a spreadsheet.

The result? Everything is… fine. Completely forgettable, though.

It’s not the clothes we were asking to be brought back. It’s the catalogs and colors so bright they required sunglasses. The feeling that brands had actual personalities instead of just logo designers.

That’s what we were nostalgic for.

LeT’s Go To ThE MaLl… ToDaY!~ Robin Sparkles

I’m not here to tell you not to do drugs. That’s between you and your D.A.R.E officer.1 What I am going to tell you is that four days of running on fumes feels a lot like being on drugs. Specifically the kind where your brain makes terrible decisions.

I’m normally one of those annoying people who doesn’t need an alarm clock. I also don’t drink coffee. I just… wake up. But the last few days I was leaving the house at 8 am and getting home close to 11 pm every night. I spent four days straight working as the personal coat rack for a group of twenty-something models at a photoshoot. I even rotated shoes every day, like my feet were Formula 1 tires. It didn’t help. But at least my outfits looked different.

By Tuesday, I so swamped working on the aftermath of a photoshoot that I’d forgotten to eat lunch2, witnessed a medical incident on a call3, worked until 6:30, and then because I apparently like to suffer, went on a Hinge date at 7:304.

The date was to trivia.5 By the time I got there, I had the mental capacity of a decorative gourd.

I walked in, grabbed the first table I saw, and messaged my date “At a high top table by the door.”

Not even a “hi”, that would have taken extra energy. Just as I was about to put my phone away, a message popped up.

“Oh no, I thought we were on for Friday! I’m getting an Uber now, so sorry.”

Weird, I thought. He had just messaged me 30 minutes ago saying he was on his way.

Then I looked at the name… I had messaged the wrong guy.

In my defense, their names shared a lot of the same letters.6

I stared at my phone for a solid 15 seconds trying to think of literally any explanation. Unfortunately my error wasn’t made through text message. It was in the HINGE APP.

If this had been over text, I could’ve salvaged it. Something along the lines of “Ooops! That was for my friend.” There is no believable scenario where you accidentally message a friend inside a dating app.7

So I did the only the only thing I could think of which was telling the truth. “Ooops… wrong person. I’m SO sorry! Long day.”

Somewhere out there was a man who briefly thought I was so excited to see him that I showed up three days early.

My actual date walked in the door seconds later, and I know my face was as red as the ribbons hung on trees for drug awareness. By some miracle, enough brain cells clocked back in to participate in trivia and for us to finish in the middle of the pack.

I couldn’t tell you a single trivia question we answered. What I can tell you is that the last place team was named “Julia Child Molesters,” and that feels like the spot they deserve.

Sleep deprivation is bad, my friends. But you all probably knew that already.

I’m going to bed.

You guys, I did it. I didn’t give up on a project. The project? Substack. This month marks my one-year anniversary here! I briefly considered making this my Top 8 favorite posts I’ve done, but then I’d have to go back to read my work. That’s just as painful as listening to a recording of your own voice. Plus, I’m USED1 to finding eight new things for this month that are worthy of bumping others out of the Top 8.

Substackaversary

This week marks a year since I took a suggestion from a friend when I was heartbroken and unemployed.2 One year later, I’m just underemployed.3 She suggested I come up with a fake job or hobby for myself to fill my time. Turns out my fake job has turned into one of my favorite hobbies. So naturally, I’m putting myself at number one in my own Top 8. Is that weird? Oh well.

Dream Phone Update

I am completely hooked on the Dream Phone4 series on TikTok where Hannah is tracking down all the guys from Dream Phone and giving us updates on where they are now. George fans, rest easy. He’s been found. This is exactly the kind of journalism I love. Forget the economy, where is Michael?5

Concert

I went to my first concert in… a long time. Jimmy Eat World played Bleed America front to back on the exact day of the album’s 25th anniversary.6 It was exciting, but I’m also offended that the album is now old enough to rent a car.

Motion City Soundrack was the opener and were super fun, though the lead singer’s voice sounded like he’d already attended the concert the night before.

My other highlight of the evening was watching a group of guys open and chung LaCroix in line to get in. Oh how times have changed…

Dolly All the Way

Hollywood, you reading this? I need it to be a show, stat. I absolutely flew through this book. It had the exact energy I want in a summer read (and watch). Funny, heartwarming, beach-town vibes that make me feel like I’m on vacation as I sit on a couch in the air condition. Whoever adapts this, please don’t ruin it.7

Garden

I spent a week dog sitting for family. And while the dog was cute, the real perk was the garden.8 What a luxury to be able to walk outside and pick tomatoes that actually taste good when you want them. I spent the week eating them like I just discovered produce for the first time. It pains me to now go spend $5 at the grocery store for a mediocre tomato what was raised in a warehouse under florescent lighting.

Ice

My apartment doesn’t have an ice maker (on top of many other things). It’s not a big hardship though. While dog sitting, I could casually push a button and be treated to ice in every drink. No remembering to fill an ice tray and going through the pain of freezing fingers trying to pop the ice out. I briefly considered asking if they’re looking to adopt a 40-year-old so I could keep this luxury in my life.

Myspace comeback

Rumor has it, MySpace is making a comeback. No algorithm? Relearning HTML to make a custom profile? I’ve never been more ready. I’d also like to talk AIM integration and perhaps sourcing music from LimeWire. Tom9, msg me. I’ve got ideas.

In the meantime, I need to figure out if side bangs are compatible with my current face.

I Will Find You

I got sucked into this show. Real bad. It’s a thriller but also reminded me of a soap opera. Great cast, including Aaron Ashmore, twin of my teen crush Shawn Ashmore, so obviously I spent part of the show trying to determine whether I still think he’s cute. No notes… except maybe a few.

~So HeRe I aM, iT’s In My HaNds

AnD I’lL sAvOr EvErY mOmEnT of tHiS~

The world is tough, and there’s only one thing I can think of that’ll cheer us up…. SCHOOLASTIC BOOK FAIR!

Since I don’t have funds to throw one, or to you know, fly everyone to one, I’m presenting you with the book fair edition of Millennial AF the mag. So grab your Mr Sketch markers and start circling; it’s time to beg your parents for book money that’ll only go towards posters and erasers.1

Unfortunately, nothing in here is real, but hopefully it’ll make you feel something.2

I know what you’re thinking. This looks like it was designed in Paint by someone’s aunt.3 Correct. In the spirit of authenticity, I’m honoring the design standards4 established by every Scholastic handout you ever received.

We’ve been getting a lot of TV show reboots; why can’t we get some for books?

Klutz promised5 that “anyone can do this!” If they can teach us to braid, they’re the ones who should teach us how to fold a fitted sheet.

Enough time has passed that we can admit that the highlight of the book fair wasn’t the books. It was the novelty crap at the checkout.

Forgot to add browser tabs to the list. You may as well just shut the entire window down and forget those exist. You’re in too deep.

Pizza Hut would probably go bankrupt if they still did this, but I’d like them to at least consider…

Update: There isn’t a Pizza Hut in at least a 15-mile radius of me, so if Chili’s wants to take over Book It for adults, I’m willing and ready to travel for a Triple Dipper.

Bet you didn’t see this twist coming.

I was gifted adult pickleball summer camp for my birthday from my family.2 Which is thoughtful and funny, because I hated summer camp as a kid. I used to count down the hours until my parents would pick me up. Ironically, I loved being a camp counselor as a teenager. Turns out it’s a lot more enjoyable when you’re the one throwing the dodgeballs.

So, I packed my paddle (and literally only clothes to play pickleball in) and drove to Monterey. Instead, I found the camp cancelled and myself scrambling for something to do. Here are postcards from the weekend.

The camp is cancelled, wish you were here 🫠.

I drove to Monterey, checked into my hotel, grabbed my paddle, and headed to the courts. There was a BBQ happening, which I assumed was a “welcome to camp” thing. A woman walked over and asked if I was there for the social.

“No…” I said. “I’m here for camp.”

She tilted her head. “...Camp?”

Not a great sign. I showed her my confirmation email and asked if I was in the right place. She studied it and told me to have a seat, disappearing. Twenty minutes later another guy came out.

“So… camp was cancelled.”

Naturally, I frantically searched my email to make sure I hadn’t missed an email3. I hadn’t. The people that worked at the courts apologized and offered me, and the other camper who’d shown up, a complimentary lesson instead. Not exactly the pickleball experience I’d pictured, but I was already dressed for it.

The other camper barely spoke the entire lesson. The coach, meanwhile, kept forgetting my name.

Finally, I said, “There’s a song about my mom if that helps.”

He looked at me and said, “I don’t know your mom’s name.”

And just like that, I aged 90 years. There’s an entire generation where Stacy’s Mom isn’t a cultural reference. The lesson wrapped up. Silent Guy silently walked away without saying anything. The coach invited me to join another lesson the next morning, on the house.

When I went to Monterey in the fall with some friends, we ate cake in bed and watched 90-Day Fiancé. It’s a tradition that deserves to be continued. So I stopped by Whole Foods for a salad bar dinner and a slice of cake. The hotel Wi-Fi barely worked, so instead of trashy TV, I spent the evening panic booking a vacation from the vacation I was already on. After scrolling through what felt like every spa in a 30-mile radius, I landed on a silent spa. It sounded peaceful.4 Especially since the people in the room next to me had a screaming baby that screamed all. night. long.

The next morning, I returned for my complimentary lesson. This time, it was me and four retired ladies who were clearly all friends.5 If you’ve never played pickleball against retired people, know this: it’s not a hobby for them, they’re there to compete.

Two minutes into warmups, one of them drilled a pickleball directly into my neck. After the lesson, they invited me to stay and play. I politely declined and retired from retirement pickleball.

As much as I love a good chain restaurant6 and a mall, Bubba Gump’s and 15 souvenir T-shirt stores weren’t really calling my name. So I grabbed a very mediocre sandwich on the water and wandered into an antique mall. Somewhere between the empty iPad box behind a glass door and the old family portraits, I realized that I don’t want my photos to end up in one of these one day. Please make sure that doesn’t happen.

The day redeemed itself with one of the best massages I’ve ever had7. I’d honestly drive back just for that.

Carmel is one of my favorite places, which makes me just like everyone else. How dare people have the same idea as me on a summer weekend. It was packed. I wandered around for a bit, tried to browse a few shops and headed back to the hotel for what had become my official camp meal: bed salad.8

I’ve been to enough bath houses to know what I like. This wasn’t it.9 The eucalyptus steam room felt like Listerine through my eyeballs. Half the soaking pools were occupied by couples quietly having deep emotional moments together. The relaxation room turned out to be folding zero-gravity chairs you’d normally see on someone’s back patio. But none of this was the biggest disappointment.

The silence was. I know that’s literally the point of this place. But the best part of places like this is quietly eavesdropping on other people’s conversations. Without that, I had nothing to do but sit with my own thoughts. Which unfortunately, is how this post got written.

If you take one thing away from this story, let it be this: always pack one non-athletic outfit. Your vacation might have other ideas. Otherwise you might find yourself wandering around in a pair of Rainbows that weren’t built for walking, and a pickleball skort10 that catches every breeze.

and here, and we’ve teamed up for this post because we’ve spent our careers on opposite sides of corporate America. Welcome to Girlboss Guide where one millennial gives the answers you were maybe hoping for, and one HR professional gives you the answer you probably need.

How are we qualified to give millennial career advice? Well, for starters, our names both end in “i”, so you know we’re legit. Brandi has had a career in corporate HR for some big companies you’ve probably heard of. Staci has had jobs.

Growing up, we were convinced work would look like How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days or The Devil Wears Prada. We’d waltz into a glassy office building at 9, and live in a loft we could actually afford. Instead, we got mandatory cybersecurity trainings, job applications that say “don’t use AI” but screen using AI, and forced icebreaker participation.

You’ve got questions, we’ve got answers.

Recruiting

Dear Girlboss Guide,

If companies are always looking for good employees, why am I filling out my 487th application with no interviews?

-Refreshing LinkedIn every 12 minutes

Staci: I feel ya, LinkedIn. And props to you for being able to stomach LinkedIn multiple times a day. Before I started applying to jobs, I was fully convinced recruiters would be fighting over me. Instead, my life is made when I find the one job application that actually autofills my resume correctly.

Brandi: It’s rough out there. The U.S. had about 7.6 million open jobs in May, but companies made only 5.2 million hires1. An open role doesn’t automatically mean there’s an eager company with an approved budget and a recruiter waiting by the phone. The job may already have an internal favorite. The budget may be in limbo. The hiring team may still be holding meetings about what they’re even hiring for.

Stop treating the application like the whole strategy. Apply early and make the connection between your experience and the role easy to spot. I recommend focusing on the top third of your resume because, fun fact, a recruiter looks at your resume for about 6 seconds before they decide whether to keep reading or scroll past you.

A strong resume can get you into the “consideration” pile, but relationships are the real differentiator. The best time to build those relationships is before you need a job, with people doing the kind of work you do at companies you’d be excited to join. This is admittedly annoying advice when you need a job right now, I know. Future you, however, will appreciate already knowing people who understand your work when the right role opens.

Mentorship

Dear Girlboss Guide,

When does the executive take me under their wing? I’m 8 years into my career.

-Future CEO

Staci: The closest I’ve ever come to mentorship is a Teams message that said “my door is always open” from someone who didn’t even have a door. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Brandi: There probably isn’t an executive studying the org chart and wondering when the right moment will be to discover you. A quarter of U.S. employees say they lack opportunities for advancement, mentorship, or both,2 so if you’re waiting for your company to formally pair you with someone, I wouldn’t recommend holding your breath. Companies have a lot of people programs, but a functioning mentorship pipeline isn’t always one of them.

The better move is to build relationships with people whose work and judgment you respect, including people outside your company. Ask thoughtful questions, stay in touch, and let the relationship develop before asking someone to invest heavily in your career. The best mentors usually don’t appear after a formal “Will you be my mentor?” conversation. They emerge because someone gets to know how you think, sees how you work, and genuinely wants to help. In my experience, the more naturally that relationship develops, the deeper and more meaningful the mentorship tends to become over time.

Career Path

Dear Girlboss Guide-

My college professor told me I’d for sure climb the corporate ladder. Where is it?

-Working my way up

Staci: I always pictured it as more of a staircase, because how are we climbing a ladder in a pencil skirt that’ll also take us to our 5-9? Anyway, I’d say it’s less of a ladder and more of a jumping ship situation.

Brandi: Your college professor was describing the career path companies put in recruiting brochures, where every capable person moves neatly upward at predictable intervals. In the real world, careers involve sideways moves, stalled promotions, reorganizations, surprise layoffs, and jobs you accept because your rent keeps coming due on the 1st regardless of what’s happening in your bank account. To be fair, “Your career may become a confusing series of business decisions and identity crises” isn’t the best marketing for a university during freshman orientation.

A worthwhile move won’t always come with a better title right away. It may put you near better people or give you experience that makes the next opportunity possible. Pay attention to whether the move expands your options and still makes sense for the person you are now. The bills still have to get paid, obviously, but the goal is to build a career you’re proud of and a life you enjoy.

Pay Raises

Dear Girlboss Guide-

I got “exceeded expectations” for the first time ever on my review! Does that mean I get a raise?

-Already browsing Zillow

Staci: First of all, congrats on getting the corporate A+! Second of all, lol. I got this on my last corporate review and was laid off a week later. If you’re lucky, you’ll get some sort of pay bump without asking for it. It’s probably more like a bump to cover Netflix’s price increase and not a down payment.

Brandi: Performance reviews are one of those corporate traditions companies keep doing because everyone is afraid to be the first person to admit the process is deeply antiquated. You spend weeks gathering feedback, rating yourself, and discussing your “impact,” only to learn that compensation decisions will happen later and the merit increase may look suspiciously similar to everyone else’s. A glowing review is useful, but I’d temper your eagerness to start upgrading your apartment right away.

Do good work and keep a running record of it throughout the year so you aren’t trying to reconstruct twelve months of contributions the night before your review. Then ask directly, “Can you walk me through how my rating affects my compensation and when might that decision be made?” Then stop talking and let them answer fully. Your review should give you evidence for the pay conversation, even when the company insists on giving everyone 3% across the board.

Corporate Attire

Dear Girlboss Guide,

Should I start investing in a closet full of blazers?

-Looking at my clothes confused

Staci: I once went on a date with a guy who was excited about his new job because they were all required to wear slippers in the office. Slippers. I think it depends on the industry and location of your job. I learned the hard way that California business casual is drastically different from New York business casual. It still haunts me.

Brandi: Dress codes can vary wildly, even inside the same company. Different teams can have their own standards too, because apparently “business casual” needed regional dialects. Before you start a new job, ask directly what people typically wear. This is a normal question, and it’s much better than arriving in a full suit while your manager is wearing sneakers and a quarter-zip.

You don’t need to buy an entirely new wardrobe for work. Start with a few staples you can dress up or down, like a good black blazer, nice jeans, a white button-up, and a basic pair of black heels or loafers. Watch what people on your team wear during your first few weeks, then fill in the gaps. The goal is to look appropriate and feel like yourself, not dress for the corporate version of you had in your head after watching 13 Going on 30 and Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead.

If your question wasn’t answered, don’t worry. Chances are, none of us know the answer either. Always remember to keep your resume updated and never believe a company that says they’re “like a family.” Oh, and if someone says the meeting will only take 15 minutes, pack a snack.

Best,

Your Girlboss Guides

Yes I know it’s a cliche that this is my song of the month. But I spent a summer in high school working at a pool where we played the Sublime Sublime album on repeat all day, everyday. To this day it was best job I ever had.1 Nothing else screams summer as much as this.2 Here’s what I have on lockdown this month.

Disposable Camera

I’ve been documenting my summer with a disposable camera, because apparently I like adding obstacles to my life. Finding one was surprisingly hard, and it costs way more than I remember. Where am I getting it developed?3 Great question. That’s a future me problem. I’ve got nine photos left, so by the time I use the rest of the film and get it developed, it’ll feel like opening a time capsule.

Family Time

I spent a week in Quebec celebrating my parents’ 50th anniversary with 11 family members, including aunts and uncles I rarely see since they live in different parts of the country. Turns out, your relatives are significantly more fun when you’re not fighting with cousins for attention. 10/10 recommend hanging out with your extended family after everyone’s frontal lobe fully develops.

Pool Mahj Mat

The internet wants $300 for a floating mahjong mat. LOL, no thanks. So, I made one myself using waterproof foam from Home Depot4, a yoga mat, and two pool noodles. Ta-da, a floating mahjong mat that actually works. I didn’t measure anything since I don’t own a tape measurer and it was slightly small. I consider “nailed it” and “good enough” the same thing.

Birthday in Bend

I turned 40 in one of my favorite places with some of my favorite people. As someone who normally plans everything down to the exact restaurants, it was incredibly nice to just show up. Also, I can confirm 40 is significantly less scary when there’s paddle boarding, mountain views, and Cajun tots.

Pretty Woman

Turns out this isn’t a safe space to admit I’ve seen… almost no movies. Unless it’s on a plane or in a theater, I simply don’t watch them. I finally watched Pretty Woman on a plane recently, and immediately understood why everyone has been talking about it for the past 35 years. I even tried starting The Notebook5 on my flight home and ended up switching back to Pretty Woman.

Capital One Cafe

We’ve had one hot day so far this year. It’d be exciting, except I don’t have air conditioning. So,I’m going to let you in on a little secret, but you have to promise not to tell anyone6. Capital One has free cafes that you can work from. You don’t have to bank there. You don’t even need to buy a coffee. You can just show up and sit. The one near me has Wi-Fi, conference rooms, a great play list, and enough seating to convince me I accidentally wandered into a coworking space. Please don’t ruin this for me by spreading word.

Cookies

My absolute favorite cookie in the entire world is a black & white cookie. Not all of them are equal though. The cookie should be cakey. The frosting should be slightly hardened. The vanilla side needs a hint of lemon. It’s a very specific science that has been studied over decades. They’re also basically an East Coast thing, which meant I’ve spent years searching for a decent one on the West Coast and being disappointed. Luckily, my parents recently went to New York and smuggled some home. They’re currently living in my freezer where they’re being treated with the same level of care as emergency cash.

Elle

I’ve been watching Elle, and it’s exactly the kind of summer TV I want: light, colorful, and nostalgic. The real star is the soundtrack. Every episode makes me want to spend an entire weekend downloading songs off of LimeWire and burning the perfect mix CD.

~SuMmErTiMe AnD tHe LiViN’s EaSy… at the pool, hit the cell!~

Summer, in my mind, hasn’t even really started. I haven’t worn shorts yet. I haven’t floated in a pool. All I’ve done so far is have some melted popsicle-flavored sparkling water and assemble a fan. And here I was, staring at an entire seasonal section that couldn’t even wait for the current holiday to be over before showing up.

I’d question why we can’t celebrate one holiday before moving on to the next, but I unfortunately know exactly why this happens. I spent almost a decade working for a retailer, and if Halloween in July feels early, let me ruin the holidays for you completely. We were brainstorming Christmas in May, which is actually late for Marketing.

Nothing kills the magic of Christmas like sitting in a conference room before school is even out, discussing whether this year’s creative should be “classic” or “whimsy.”3 I’d often have to mentally prep for these meetings by listening to Nsync’s Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays while simultaneously shopping for sandals online.

It completely ruined my sense of time. So, to help everyone prepare for what’s about to be dropped on us, I’ve put together the official retail holiday release calendar.

January

Valentine’s Day

Official release: December 26

Your Christmas tree hasn’t been kicked to the curb, and you’re still eating leftover fudge from the tin. Look over here, we have heart-shaped pasta!

February

Easter

Official release: February 15

Nothing says “love is in the air” like immediately replacing hearts with eggs.

March

Mother’s Day, Graduation, Patio Furniture4

Official release: While 70% of the country is still shoveling snow.

I bet buying that outdoor sectional at full price sounds really good right about now.

April

A brief period of peace. Take a deep breath.

Official release: April 1…

April Fools! It’s Father’s Day, even though Mom hasn’t had pancakes in bed yet.

May

Christmas Planning

Official release: May 5

Not Christmas. Just meetings about Christmas as you try to plan your Memorial Day weekend.

June

Back to School

Official release: June 2

Children are still very much in school. We believe it’s important they understand disappointment early.

July

Halloween

Official release: July 1

The charcoals in your grill from your 4th of July BBQ haven’t even cooled yet? Check out this 6-foot witch!

August

Fall

Official release: When Starbucks releases the PSL

Yeah, it’s 102° outside. Have you seen these velvet pumpkins, though?

September

Christmas

Official release: Labor Day

The leaves are still green, and you haven’t bought Halloween candy yet. Congrats, slacker! Mariah Carey is already defrosted.

October

Black Friday

Official release: The Friday before Halloween

This is our Super Bowl! Maybe next year we can move it to September.

November

Thanksgiving

Official release: Allegedly, the fourth Thursday of the month.

Who?…

December

New year, new you.

Official release: December 15

The gym is empty, and we’ve got planners that’ll change your life.

So, there you have it. The official top-secret5 holiday calendar that retail abides by.

Somehow, some way, Thanksgiving has become the middle child of the holidays. Halloween gets three months. Christmas gets four. Thanksgiving gets an end cap if it’s lucky.

At this rate, I’m convinced retailers are eventually going to lap themselves. And if you’re wondering what they’re working on right now, I can almost guarantee that someone is sitting in a freezing conference room right now planning Christmas 2027.

~Pumpkins shouldn’t come out until Oct. 1. I said what I said.~

Whether you’re going to yours or joining Romy & Michele’s, there are some now-written rules that need to be followed. I’m not a lawyer, but if I enjoyed school, I’d probably go back to be one. I also didn’t go to my reunion, just a pre-party, but feel like I got the gist. Unlike every other T&C, I suggest reviewing these. Please read carefully before proceeding.

By attending the Class of <insert year you graduated & high school>, you are hereby agreeing to the following.

Section 0: Pre-Event Preparation

0.1 You are allowed to spend an unreasonable amount of time looking up who is attending.

0.1a This isn’t considered stalking. It’s research to decide if you want to go.

0.2 You must have at least 3 people you are excited to see, and 3 people you need to confirm are still the exact same.

0.3 You are not allowed to say “I wonder what happened to _____” unless you are prepared to immediately search them on LinkedIn.

0.3a Change your viewing settings now.

Section 1: Appearance and Presentation

1.1 Name tags will (should) be provided1. You’ll need them. So will everyone else. All your pre-stalking on Facebook won’t matter since no one looks like their actual picture.2

1.2 Confer with the 3 people you still talk to about what they’re wearing. Push back when they say “jeans and a cute top,” that is not descriptive enough.

1.2a You are allowed to say “you just threw this on” if someone compliments your outfit. No one needs to know about the hours and number of online orders you placed just to look casual.

1.3 You may arrive looking significantly better than you did in high school. That’s the point.

1.3a You may not look so good that it looks like you look good specifically for this.3

1.4 You’re allowed to be shocked by how old everyone looks. You cannot say this aloud.

Section 2: Acceptable Conversation Topics

2.1 Where you live now. Keep it vague. No one needs to know where in “the city” you are. You don’t want to run into them. You also don’t want to “make plans.”

2.2 What you “do.” You have 30 seconds to explain it, and you are not permitted to make it your entire personality.

2.2a You cannot say you invented Post-its. Try again.4

2.3 If you have kids, you may say you have them. Do not show a photo; they’ve already seen your Christmas card.

2.4 “Do you remember when…” is an acceptable conversation starter, but use it sparingly. Everyone will be using this.

2.4a You are required to laugh and pretend you remember, even if you don’t. This’ll save you in the long run.

2.5 The following topics are prohibited: politics, current salary, and how much you paid for your home.5

Section 3: Your Former Self (Which You Agree to Morph Into)

3.1 Your former self is expected to attend this event, whether you’re still them or not.

3.2 Someone will call you by a nickname you haven’t heard in 20 years. You must appear to be excited about this. Do not show your cringe.

3.3 If someone brings up something you prefer not to revisit, you may respond with “I don’t even remember that” and then send all your future therapy bills to their address. (Use that address to look up what they paid on Zillow)

Section 4: Emotions (The Event Planners Are Not Held Liable)

4.1 You may find yourself excited to see someone, that’s ok. That’s kind of the point.

4.2 You may find yourself standing next to your former crush and not feeling anything. Congratulate yourself on the growth.

4.3 Anything said or seen in the bathroom stays in the bathroom.

4.4 You may feel completely fine. This doesn’t mean you need to make up feelings for the sake of a story afterward.

Section 5: The Exit

5.1 You may Irish exit. This isn’t high school; you don’t need permission to do anything.

5.2 You are required to pretend you had a good time and say “we should do this again” to a few people.

5.3 You must say it was worth going to, to your friend who didn’t go. They don’t need to know the truth.6

5.4 If you leave and immediately text the group chat “ok, THOUGHTS”, you are absolved of the obligation under section 5.2.

Section 6: Plus One Addendum

If bringing a plus one, they hereby agree to the following:

6.1 They may not ask too many questions beforehand; they shouldn’t know what they’re walking into.

6.2 They are not allowed to enjoy themselves more than you.

6.3 Any intel collected on your behalf is admissible and appreciated.

6.4 Your outfits should not match; this should be coordinated prior to getting in the car.

Section 7: Social Media Release

7.1 You agree that someone will post photos before you approve any of them.

7.2 You may not immediately ask, “wait, can you send me that one?”

7.3 Someone must caption a photo “Same crew, 20 years later”.

By the power invested in Judge Judy and every AOL Terms & Conditions agreement you accepted without reading, this is hereby legally binding.

Sign _________________________ Date ____________________

P.S. If you have a good reunion story, drop it below. I won’t be persuaded to go to my next one. This is just me doing my due diligence in letting my friends know I explored “all sides.”

Birthdays are kind of the same way; every year gets reduced to a few memories. I’ve been alive for 40 years, so I’ve had 40 birthdays. Some of them were everything. Others should probably be forgotten. Fortunately, enough time has passed that I can tell you what actually happened. Here’s the official away message record.

What actually happened:

My mom had made my annual funfetti cake and left it cooling on the counter. She returned to find our dog, whom we had adopted 6 months earlier, and wasn’t as “friendly” as the shelter had said, standing on the counter, face in the pan. Most of the cake was already gone. When she went to get him out of the situation, he bit her.

My parents had a firm policy: bite someone, and you’re out. I don’t know why this had never applied to my brother, but it applied to the dog, and he was rehomed shortly after.

This incident was the beginning of a long family tradition of refrigerated birthday cakes.

What actually happened:

I did the most millennial thing ever in the year 2000, planned a scavenger hunt through at the mall. We’re talking clues, locations, the whole thing. Photos were taken at the Picture People, cheap things were purchased at Limited Too, Miller’s Outpost, and Sam Goody. RIP to them all.

Butterfly clips were bought. Frosted lip gloss that tasted like vanilla frosting was applied in case of meeting some cute boys at the mall.1 There’s almost no photographic evidence this day happened, except for two wallet-sized photos (of people primarily named Staci(y) or Stephanie) and one of the actual lists.

What actually happened:

At sixteen, I was convinced I wanted to be a producer for The Tonight Show. The reason that I can now admit was that I believed this would result in meeting a Backstreet Boy and falling in love. This was my 5-year plan.

As luck would have it, one of my mom’s friends’ daughters was dating a producer on the show, so instead of a Sweet 16, my mom took me and three friends to LA for the day. The hookup included greenroom access, which turned out to be a back room with sad bags of chips and grocery store tortilla rollups. No guests. No BSB. Shaq was on that night, and he looked insanely large, even from far away.

Noting that I have since reconsidered my feelings about Jay Leno. I stand with Conan.

What actually happened:

My very first drink2 was consumed at 12:01 am. The problem with a weeknight birthday in a suburb is that bars close at am. The other problem is that I had my first day at my new internship the very next morning.

Nothing says “hey, you’re an adult” like showing up to your first professional job smelling like vodka cran. At some point my new colleagues discovered it was my 21st birthday that day and kindly sent me home. Maybe for celebration, maybe out of concern. We’ll never know.

What actually happened:

Turning 30 was rough. The number was scary, and so was the pressure of not being where I thought I was going to be. Instead, I was in a long-term relationship that wasn’t working, and this was the day I slowly started realizing that. The older I get, the more I realize that no one ends up where they thought they’d be. At 30 when the clock starts ticking, it feels devastating.

What actually happened:

Things had been weird for weeks. The weirdest example was when my boyfriend casually informed me that he had invited his friend Brian to my birthday dinner, on the way to said dinner. I had met Brian a few times. Or so I thought. The Brian who showed up was a Brian I had never met before.

To this day, I can’t figure out what strategic objective was trying to be accomplished there. My birthday dinner with my friend and her husband somehow became a double date plus a stranger.

The next day, after dinner with my family, my boyfriend and I were on the sidewalk where we normally said goodbye. Instead, he said “I can’t do this anymore.” Looking back, him actually breaking things off feels almost considerate; at least the mystery was resolved.3

What actually happened:

My boyfriend4 moved across the country the morning after my birthday. We spent my actual birthday together; it was one of those days where we both pretended it was a normal day, not a countdown to a life-changing event.

Then, at 7 am the next morning, he got in his car and started driving across the country. It technically wasn’t the end of our relationship; the distance handled that eventually. But at this point, I have begun to notice a concerning trend involving birthdays and boyfriends. I’d much prefer cake instead of plot twists, thanks.5

What actually happened:

This one is still being written6. As a kid, I assumed a 40-year-old had everything figured out. As a now 40-year-old, all I can say is LOL.

~BRB, celebrating my birthday!7~

I’m not panicking1 my 30’s are ending and I’m shaking up the top 8 one last time. This was also my ringtone on my LG Chocolate in 2007, and probably still would be if my phone hasn’t been on silent ever since. Let’s get into it.

Goats

I live in a fire-prone area, which is terrifying if I actually think about it. The city’s solution? Hiring several hundred goats to eat the hills.2 Local government should use this for all their future PR. Whoever came up with this forever has my vote.

For a few weeks every spring, you never know when and where you’re going to encounter an entire workforce of goats clocking in for the day. It’s my favorite surprise every year. Nothing unites a community like municipal goats.3 If I knew who to contact I’d be lobbying for year-round deployment.

Widow’s Bay

This has been a suggested watch from approximately every person in my life. The problem is, I can’t do scary. I’m the kind of person that will read spoilers for something so I can determine if I’ll actually be able to sleep at night. This show is giving me major Lost vibes in the sense that it’s an island with a growing list of questions no one seems to be able to answer. The difference from Lost is that Widow’s Bay is actually funny. John Locke could never.

Last week of 30s

I’m turning 40 this week and everyone I know IRL has been asking me how I feel about it. I think that’s kind of a funny question, because it’s not like I have a choice.4 If I did have a choice, I’d still be 28.

The actual answer to the question is: surprisingly neutral. I had a really hard time turning 30 because I wasn’t where I thought I was supposed to be, and surprise, surprise, I’m still not where I thought I was going to be. That’s just life, eh?

I’m celebrating in one of my favorite place with some friends, and for once am actually looking forward to my birthday.

Lush Massage Bar

Confession: I hate putting lotion on. I know you’re supposed to and your skin needs it. It’s just a pain. I saw someone on TikTok raving about a moisturizing bar from Lush, and tbh, I only thought of Lush only as a bath bomb store for tweens. Anyway, I sucked it up and went in. The scent of the store is so strong astronauts can smell it from space. The massage bar though is genuinely good. It’s basically lotion for lazy people, you just rub it on like a giant glue stick and move on with your life. TikTok was right, I hate when that happens.

Mahjong Speakeasy

3 of the 4 people in my mahjong crew all have birthdays within a few weeks of each other, so we decided to celebrate with a night out at a mahjong speakeasy. Nothing says “young at heart” like a Saturday night club reservation… at 7pm.

The speakeasy vibes were perfect. Dim lighting, music, cocktails… and four people aggressively calculating their next move with tiny tiles. We even had a late night in my book, I didn’t get home until after 10pm. A truly reckless evening 😂.

Help

I’m not one of those people who refuses to accept help. If anything, I may be a little too comfortable with it. A few weeks ago, I put out a call looking for help tracking down a vintage cake topper similar to what my parents had in the 70s. Between your comments, Etsy, eBay, and several rabbit holes, I found pieces similar enough to recreate it. One of my friends5 even came over and hand-sewed tulle on it so it’d look identical to the original.

I can’t wait to surprise my parents with it. Consider this your reminder that help is good. Why struggle alone when you can outsource?

New Pickleball League

This must be my bff because it’s back in the top 8. I joined a new league and the upgrade is huge. It’s a lot of the same people, but now we play in a gorgeous venue that’s five minutes from my house.

This new league is also cheaper, and has sponsors that send us home with free stuff. It makes me kind of question if I joined some sort of rewards program. The only downside is that games are Tuesday nights from 6-10pm, and as someone who considers 9:30 bedtime, being out this late has become my version of an extreme sport.

Summer Flavors

Pumpkin Spice gets all the attention when it’s really summer flavors who deserve it. I am living for bubly’s Melted Ice Pop and Waterloo’s collab with Guy Fierri for Lime in the Coconut sparkling water. Both taste like a pool party— one like an ice cream man ice pop that makes you sticky, and the other like sunscreen in the best possible way. Summer flavors > fall’s only flavor. I said what I said.

~Swear to shake it up if you swear to listen, oh we’re still so young, desperate for attention…~

You know the coupon I’m talking about… the big blue one. 20% off your purchase. It arrived in your mailbox, regardless of whether anyone in your house had ever stepped foot inside a Bed Bath & Beyond.2

Here’s what was amazing about the coupon: it never actually expired. I’m pretty sure the expiration date was decorative, added by some designer to make the text look more balanced. Bed Bath & Beyond (and us) had a secret arrangement. They’d pretended the coupon expired; we pretended to believe them. The cashier would scan it anyway, and it’d go through. Victory.

Even though our beloved Bed Bath & Beyond is closed3, the coupon remains. Check any junk drawer in America, you’ll probably find one. I bet your parents’ house has 17 stashed in a drawer next to some old batteries. The coupon belongs to the people now. And because America is currently charging way too much for pretty much everything, I’d like to formally petition that the following businesses begin accepting it immediately. The coupon is valid, and so are my points.

Gas Stations

Cries in California.

The numbers on the pump move faster than the gallons, like a slot machine no one asked to play. We’ve even been… gaslit… into believing that this is just what it is now. A gallon of gas now costs the same as a McDonald’s meal deal. Plan accordingly.

I’d like 20% off gas. The coupon is in my glove compartment. I’m ready when you are.

Health Insurance

I’m pretty sure this4 is the only product where you pay an absurd amount a month for something you hope you never have to use. IDK, seems like the equivalent of paying for Netflix and being afraid to watch TV.

I’m currently paying more for health insurance than I did when I was employed full-time. The psychological burden of paying for something you’re afraid to use should be covered. I’d get treated, but my copay is too expensive. 20% off seems reasonable. The coupon doesn’t expire, and neither does my disappointment in this system.

My Landlord

In a written email that I’ve archived for legal5 purposes, my landlord once referred to me as a “terrific tenant.”

Let me point that out again. TERRIFIC.

My garbage disposal hasn’t worked in 3 years. The heat in my bedroom has never worked. An interior wall likes to mysteriously leak when it rains. Consider this coupon a formal maintenance request since you love to ignore those. 20% off brings us back to what I was paying when I moved in, and things functioned. I dare you to make yourself “terrific.”

Therapy

$200 dollars a session and most don’t even take insurance. I also didn’t sign up for homework; I signed up to process my thoughts and feelings on my landlord. Homework wasn’t on the intake form, and that needs to be reflected in the invoice. Taking this coupon is the therapeutic thing to do. Refusing it is something we’d have to unpack next week. You know what to do.

Groceries

Safeway. Girl, are you ok? $5 for a box of Goodles is absurd. I feel this close to having to finance tomatoes. Bed Bath & Beyond would have never done this. They’d have a floor-to-ceiling display of fake Goodles boxes6 next to the KitchenAids and would accept the coupon on both without blinking.

20% off. I’ll be presenting this at the register without making eye contact. We’ll both pretend this is fine.

Service Fees

Whoever decided this deserves prison. WHAT SERVICE? Be specific. I found the event. I selected the seat. I purchased the ticket. How can you charge $18 for successfully navigating your website?

And while we’re at it, airlines. You don’t get to charge me for a seat selection, overhead bin anxiety, and the hunger I feel since you no longer serve snacks. A ticket used to mean a seat on a plane where you actually got to bring a bag. For free. Now it means a seat on a plane plus 8 other opportunities to pay for things that should be included with the seat.

The coupon covers whatever crimes are occurring here.7 All of them.

Student Loans

The deal, as I understood it,8 was this: go to college, get a degree, get a job, build a life.

I’m going to need to speak with management.

Until then, I’m applying the coupon. It doesn’t forgive the loan9. Acknowledge that the terms have changed, so the price should too. 20% off the principal until the job market booms.

Streaming Services

You removed content. Added ads. Raised the price. Cracked down on password sharing. Stop behaving like the IRS. Bed Bath & Beyond never sent an email saying we couldn’t share the coupon with a different household. They welcomed everyone, which is what you used to do. Honor the coupon, or I’m rotating services again.10

Daycare

I don’t have kids, but I’ve heard rumblings about how much it costs. We’re talking numbers that shouldn’t be associated with the cost of supervising a small human while you go to work to pay for said cost of supervising a small human. I’d like to use my coupon on behalf of parents. They need it more than I do.

Editor’s note: I’ll need it back eventually for the gas station situation, but no rush.

Even though Bed Bath & Beyond is gone11, the coupon is still out there haunting junk drawers. Waiting. It was never meant for towels. It was meant as a promise that the scary price you see isn’t the actual price you pay. No one replaced that promise when they closed. Trust me. I’m still checking the mailbox.

UPDATE:

Since filing this petition, the Container Store has announced they’ll begin accepting the coupon.12 One down, everything else to go.

In Bed Bath & Beyond we trust,

Charlotte Russe.

I gasped. I took a picture and forced my date to listen in detail to why this was an important sighting.1 Last I heard, Charlotte Russe had gone bankrupt. Some former co-workers of mine had gone to work for her, and then she just went under. Yet, here she was. Alive. Open. Still selling clothes made specifically for birthday dinners, where everyone is required to wear the same color.

I couldn’t stop thinking about her the entire drive home.2. So I went back to the mall again. Not to shop3, just to check on everyone. There, I ran into a lot of old friends I didn’t know were still hanging around. You were probably friends with them too. Most of them are doing ok. Sears is not ok.

Forever 21

Before I even pulled into a parking spot, I saw this upsetting sight.

The ghost of a baddie.

A closed Forever 21. If anything should’ve lived forever, it should’ve been her. The remnants of signage were hanging on like a ghost refusing to cross over. And I get it. Some of those clothes are still in my closet, haunting me. Mostly because I didn’t fit into them then, and won’t fit into them now. Despite being held together by loose threads and hot glue4, some of those masterpieces have outlived actual well-made clothing. What a magical place.

Sears

I almost didn’t go in. Not because I didn’t want to, but because something about the entrance felt hauntingly uninvited.

For context: I don’t think I’d ever been inside a Sears before, except maybe to the portrait studio as a kid5 in some itchy 90s getup. The concept of buying appliances in the same place you can buy khakis has always confused me. Then again, I’m a millennial who has never owned a home, so I’ve never been in the market for a major appliance. Sears and I exist in different tax brackets.

Also, why were refrigerators being sold in the “business casual” section?

The store was empty. I’m not exaggerating; I didn’t see a single employee or customer the entire time I was walking around. Everything was weirdly spaced out like the store was trying to justify its existence. Signs were hanging that said “REDISCOVER SEARS,” which is bold considering it looked like it’d been discovered and immediately abandoned by everyone who found it.

Then I saw an escalator. “There can’t be more to this,” I thought. But there was. The first escalator didn’t work, which isn’t surprising. Around the corner, I found another one that worked and took it downstairs.

What I found at the bottom can only be described as the employee-only section of a store that no longer had employees. You could hear the fluorescent lights buzzing over a few lonely boxed refrigerators waiting to get the hell out of there.

I immediately turned around and took the working escalator back up. I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know when it’s time to go.6

Later, I learned that Sears used to sell entire houses through a mail-order catalog. Bring back affordable home ownership, and I’ll bring back my business.

Sweet Factory

Against all odds, Sweet Factory is still standing. This might be one of the only places on earth where you can still buy a jawbreaker.7 There’s something kind of beautiful about the fact that generations of children have stuck their unwashed hands into those bulk candy bins, and this place still hasn’t somehow been condemned. Is the CDC studying this?

Icing

Bestie! Still here, and still selling the exact same accessories as Claire’s, but somehow in a slightly more elevated way. And yes, they continue to let teenagers pierce ears with a piercing gun. Some traditions are important.

Aeropostale

I genuinely thought Aeropostale died with the graphic tee. My memory of the store was this:

AEROPOSTALE

AEROPOSTALE

AEROPOSTALE

Every shirt yelled at you. You went in for a graphic tee, and maybe left with some 2-for-1 polos to layer. But now? It seems like our friend has gone to therapy. The store was full of basics and neutral colors. If not for the sign on the outside, I wouldn’t have even known what store I was in. Good on them for taking the time to work on themself.

And finally… Charlotte Russe

I saved her for last because I always save the best for last.

I rounded the corner, wondering if I’d still be able to play the game I invented there in 2005– is it a shirt or a dress? Would she still have the going-out tops that got me through college? And then I saw it. The security gate was down. She was closed.

I got closer to inspect the situation, she wouldn’t be open for another two hours. I had come back specifically for her. I had driven out of my way to this mall. Twice. I’d already been haunted by Sears and a Hollister is now apparently well lit, all for this moment. All I could do was creep through the windows and confirm she was exactly the same as we’d left her. Still selling knock-off shoes. Still full of cheap polyester that’s ready to take on a frat basement.

I haven’t gone to my “hometown” mall to check in on my friends there, but word on the street is it’s now a ghost town with a DMV where Limited Too was. Excuse me while I go mourn.

J/k. I would never.

Job searching on LinkedIn every day feels like walking through a mall and getting ambushed by every kiosk selling a magic hair straightener2. Except the hair straightener is someone’s personal brand that AI created, and the sales pitch is a post about what a delayed flight taught them about SaaS.

It hasn’t always been like this. LinkedIn has existed for my entire career, and I don’t remember it being the hellscape we all feel obligated to perform on in hopes of the slim chance at establishing a human connection. It used to be just a place where your resume lived, and someone endorsed you for your Microsoft Office skills.3

Back then, I was a social media manager, which is the 2010s millennial equivalent of the magazine editor job you see in 2000s romcoms4. It was a whimsical role that no one really understood, but everyone glamorized. Including me.

If LinkedIn back then looked anything like it does now, my posts5 would have looked entirely different. It probably would have been acceptable encouraged to document the unhinged achievements that don’t belong on my actual resume but represent some of my finest professional work.

So here’s my contribution to the discourse. You won’t find any lessons about resilience, just absurd career highlights that would have been posted in the 2010s if I’d had the audacity.

Minus hashtags because #cringe.

🚀 I Made My Own Job 📈

Beyond thrilled to announce the start of my career at my dream company!

The only downside? The event budget6 was cut month one.

I could have seen this as a setback, instead I saw it as an invitation. An invitation to create my own job… getting paid to be on Facebook all day.

There’s no job description. No strategy. And of course, no budget. One class I took in college said brands should probably be on social media, so I’m going to go ahead and do that.

The page has forty fans so far. I believe in those forty people.

To anyone who’s ever been told to figure it out: figure it out.7

I’m spending the rest of the day gluing some crackers into the shape of a bunny for a post.

Living. The. Dream.

🎉🥳 Hit a milestone!🧁👍🏻

Hard work pays off.

Today, the Facebook page hit 200,000 fans.

No agency. No strategy. No legal review of anything. Just genuine community building and some early experimentation with Facebook’s new ad features.8

The CEO stopped by my desk. He was excited. So was I.

To anyone who said being on Facebook wasn’t a real job: the numbers (and I) would like a word.

I celebrated with cake. The cake was immediately posted on Facebook. Please go hit that like button.

✨I Don’t Usually Share Things Like This 👉👈

A video I made using Microsoft Paint, PowerPoint, and iMovie aired on MSNBC today.

I cannot show it to you.

It was originally created as a teaser for a pizza launch and somehow got pulled into coverage about the company’s IPO.

The clip art was a choice that still haunts me.

The entire thing was made with software that children use for school projects.

To anyone sitting on a creative idea that feels too weird to execute: Do it.

Worst case, it doesn’t see the light of day.

Best case, it airs on MSNBC, but you can never put it in your portfolio because it’s embarrassing enough to end you.

So there’s a lesson for everyone. Your biggest achievements may come from the projects you’re most embarrassed by.

(All my “videos” have been scrubbed from the YouTube page. This for some reason, was all I saved)

🐰 What Project Bunway Taught Me About Creative Vision 👩‍🎨

I created a campaign called Project Bunway.

A full Project Runway spoof. For a snack brand.

Why? Because I believed in the idea. And nobody said no to it. And even more importantly, no legal team reviewed my work.

Contestants made overalls, hammocks, shoes, and other crazy things out of a 30-foot NYSE banner, all in exchange for a year’s supply of packaged snacks.

Did it work?9 Yes.

Should it have gone through three rounds of approval and trademark review?

Probably.

Innovation is what happens when no one from legal is invited to meetings. Remember that.

📈 When Leadership Finally Understands Content 🎩

Something happened today that I felt compelled to share with my network.

Content matters. And when leadership understands content, incredible things happen.

Today, I rode10 a scissor lift around an active construction site for a product launch photoshoot.

I want to be transparent that this was my manager’s idea. It was a great idea.

She Photoshopped the crackers into a tower around me afterward.

The construction crew did not ask a single question. I have chosen to interpret their silence as respect.

The content performed well.

I don’t have a lesson here exactly, just that it’s ok to (literally) wear different hats.

🚨📢 Thrilled to Share Some Exciting News 🚀

After years of building something from nothing, I’m excited to announce that I’m joining an agency.

Big clients. Even bigger budgets. I was promised an alcohol brand. And a hotel chain. I’m excited to have actual resources for my creative visions.

Growth looks different for everyone.

For me, it looks like leaving a job where eating mac and cheese was a professional obligation and hopping into the next chapter.

I’m grateful for every moment and can’t wait for what’s next.

🪞Some Honest Reflections From My First Month Agency-Side🪑

The alcohol brand has not materialized.

The hotel chain has somewhat materialized.

What has fully materialized is a national furniture chain.

Specifically, their Facebook comments.

Which I moderate. Every morning. From the West Coast. At 6 am. All so I can delete the overnight complaints before their East Coast team logs on.11

The complaints aren’t always what you’d expect; some of them are genuinely hard to read. Customers who had spent their entire savings on a couch set that never showed up. People who tried every other channel to get a refund and resorted to typing into a Facebook comment box since they’d run out of options. It was my job to delete all of them.

I had cracker taste tests as a requirement at my last job.

I think about this every morning at 6 am.

Not every chapter is the one you imagined. But every chapter teaches you something.

This one is teaching me about morals.

🟢 An Update For My Network 🟢

Today, I was laid off.12

I want to be honest with my network about what this feels like.

It feels great.13 It feels like the best thing to happen to me professionally since the scissor lift. My soul is returning.

The furniture comments will go on without me. I hope they stay up. Those customers deserve better than having their complaints deleted by someone who doesn’t even work for the company.

I’m taking some time to figure out what’s next and am open to opportunities.

In anything except furniture.

And that’s where my social career ended.

Briefly. The next job was in social, but was normal. We’re talking content calendars, legal review, and zero scissor lifts. The unhinged era ruined everything that came after it, so like any true millennial, I pivoted the F out of it.

~I’m not accepting requests from anyone asking where their furniture is~

Now, we need her back.3 Not for the Louvre heist and whatever documentary is probably already in the works. But for us. For the questions that keep us up at night in hotel rooms where the curtains don’t close all the way. And for the summer travel season that is approaching, during which we’ll become invested in the Stories of people we never actually talk to.

Consider me (and you), Gumshoes. I have a trench coat from Zara and a lot of questions. You probably also have the same trench.

Carmen, it’s on you to help figure this out.

Here are the active investigations straight from ACME requiring your attention.

Case #7.5: Where are our feet supposed to go on a flight?

I’m of average height. And shoe size. My feet don’t fit on the floor when I have a bag under the seat. I’ve tried diagonal. I’ve tried crossing them. I consulted with a physicist4 who said it is physically possible, but wouldn’t elaborate how. We’ve reconstructed the scene multiple times without any breakthroughs. The case is cold.

Case #2025: Why is everyone going to Italy?

We love pasta. Pasta is wonderful. Italy is also wonderful. But at this point, it seems so full of people trying to have the Italian experience that there isn’t any actual room to have it. Authorities report the entire country is “booked solid” through September. Carmen, someone is coordinating this. Find out who, and how I can get an invite.5

Case# 17,983: Is it actually a hidden gem if it’s geotagged?

We (and 200,000) other people saw the Reel. You know the one. That swing in Bali. The influencer said she wasn’t going to share the location, but someone in the comments did. The line to take photos now looks like it stretches an entire rice field. Someone may or may not be selling ring lights there. This is not what hidden means; the location has been compromised. Carmen, find us the person responsible so we can have a word.

Case #002: Where in the world do we sign the international no reclining for flights under 2 hours agreement?

This needs to be notarized. Air marshals should enforce it. And yes, I’m speaking directly to the person on my flight to Portland who immediately did this, making my laptop impossible to use. Take this petition straight to ACME HQ. And Carmen, save them a special place in… well, you know.

Case #114: What happened to the friend who said they were “definitely coming” on the group trip?

They were last seen in the group chat 3 months ago, reacting to potential Airbnbs with fire emojis. Then… silence. Did they catch on fire? Their last known location was in the Google doc where they suggested a date that didn’t work for anyone, including themself.

Case #252: What happened to the version of us that existed on vacation?

She kept her phone on airplane mode. She walked everywhere. She ate things she never would have tried at home. She had a glow. We’ve looked everywhere for her! All we could find was someone who looks vaguely like her, but can be heard crying at a computer, as the Teams ping repeatedly sounds.6

Case #60: Is the 6 am flight ever actually worth it?

It’s cheaper, yes. But the 3 am alarm?7 The 4:45 am airport arrival before security is even open is its own kind of underbelly. You arrive at your destination already feeling defeated and suffering from some slight food poisoning from the $17 turkey sandwich that has been sitting out for 6 hours. Carmen, run the math if it’s worth it. We can no longer be trusted to do it ourselves.

Case # Extra Credit: And lastly, why did my relationship after a Croatian vacation?

Photos have been analyzed, and there are no clues. Just light sparkling off the water, and the fact that he said it was one of the best trips of his life. And then at home, he apparently reconsidered everything. If you find him, don’t tell him we’re looking for answers. Actually no. Tell us what he said.

Case files remain open. If you have any information, please contact ACME HQ or slide into my DMs.

See ya on the gram,

Just call me Staci Sanfrancisco (until Carmen is found)

A man I was talking to on Hinge told me his favorite boy band was Savage Garden. That’s the first time I’ve ever heard anyone say that. BSB and Nsync are the obvious choices. You might even hear a rogue 98* or BBMak. Maybe even O-town or 2gether if someone is trying to be funny. But Savage Garden? Can they even be classified as a boy band if they’re a duo?

As I worked on forming a response to this absurd answer, I decided to search Savage Garden to see if they had any songs besides the those that were the pinnacle of every middle school dance. My mind immediately went to I Knew I Loved You and Truly Madly Deeply. Then… I remembered this song.

The song that made me want a cherry cola despite not liking anything cherry-flavored. It has been stuck in my head for over a week, and since misery loves company, I will now be passing that along to you. You’re welcome.

Anyway, cherry cola didn’t make my new top 8, but these did…

Real Housewives of Rhode Island

I’ve fallen off the Housewives train almost entirely except for RHOSLC, which in my opinion, is exceptional. But I had nothing else to watch, so I decided to give Rhode Island a try. The only thing I knew about Rhode Island was that it’s small. That’s it.

The season started off slow, and then… a sprinter van/bus pulled up. If you know Housewives, you know that things always go down in a sprinter van. It’s made me wary of ever stepping foot in one.

So of course, things went down. Insane things. I will say that Rhode Island could use some editing help from Salt Lake because the continuity between the 5th and 6th episode is lacking. It had me double checking to make sure I didn’t miss an ep. Anyway, it’s always fun to get in on a franchise before everyone gets divorced and starts launching businesses.

Lip Smackers

What was arguably the best lip gloss (Lip Smackers Flip Gloss) of our youth has has made a triumphant return. I found it on an end cap next to where I was buying allergy meds, and knew I needed to have it. Unfortunately, they only had it in what’s arguably the worst flavor: grape. I can report that it still smells the same, and it still does absolutely nothing for my lips. Regardless, it’s fun to keep in my bag and casually pull it out like: “Oh this? A lighter? Nah, it’s just chapstick meant for kids.”

Lace Shorts

Once again, I fell victim to a 50% off Old Navy sale. I have no business spending money on things that aren’t essential right now. These are not essential. But, they’re comfortable. And being comfortable is essential.1

Since my wardrobe is primarily athleisure, I decided I needed something a little nicer that still isn’t a hard pant. Enter these. They feel like pajamas. Will I look like I’m wearing pajamas when I leave the house? Probably. But at least they’re cute pajamas.

Girls’ Day

One of my friends who lives out of state was visiting Napa and invited a group of us to meet up for a girls’ day. I only knew one other person going, which usually means I’d spend the day quietly nodding while feeling awkward. Instead, it ended up being one of the most fun days I’ve had in a while.

Roundtables about the West and Amanda Summer House news that had just dropped were held. We visited a winery (Cakebread) that I’d always meant to go to but never did, and can confirm that the wine is in fact worth the hype. There was laughter. There were tears from the laughter. And jelly shoes were successfully worn without a single blister. It was such a solid day.

Old Magazines

mentioned that the Internet Archive has old issues of American Girl magazine, and there went any and all productivity I had. It’s been so fun to go back and read these, and other iconic magazines. It’s even more fun to look at the ads. I also discovered that my local library has more recent issues of magazines, which feels like such a life hack. So, I’ve been spending a lot of time reading old print media, digitally, which is besides the point.

Bro Cruise

I’m not even on Threads, but a friend followed the entire “Bro Cruise” saga and sent me live updates like it was breaking news2. I have taken the backseat a few times watching a man try and plan something. In my experience (and no offense to these men I know), details are usually missed. And in the case of the Bro Cruise, BIG details were missed. Think a place to stay, forgetting to invite the bachelor on an excursion, etc. It happened over a month ago and I’m traumatized by the chaos of this trip. In case you’re not on Threads like me and want to partake in the drama, you can watch a recap here:

Rainbow Sandals

I read an article about these being the new “it” shoe3 this summer, and I didn’t even finish reading before adding to cart. It’s been almost two decades since I last wore these, but if I backpacked around Europe in them then, they must be comfortable enough to run errands around town in now.

I was surprised to see that they’ve really expanded their styles and colors,4 and spent longer than I’ll publicly admit picking out which shade of brown I should get. I’m still in the break-in phase, and am looking forward to the comfy, supportive shoe phase.

Crispy Rice Recipe

My crispy rice obsession continues. I made this recipe this week, it was easy, tasty, and will probably make its way into my rotation again. I used frozen rice instead of making rice because, for some reason, I always burn rice when I make it on the stove. No, I will not be purchasing a rice cooker. I don’t have that kind of space.

~Sorry, not sorry, if you were booted from the top 8~

The sheer volume of gifting suites and influencer activations at Coachella and Stagecoach2 finally sent me over the edge. How did we get here? And why is everyone being flown to the desert by a skin care brand that no one has even heard of?3 What do they even do with the suitcases full of products that one single human can’t possibly use up in a lifetime?

I couldn’t help but wonder4, what if influencers existed in a simpler era? Before selfies. Before PR mailers. Before filler. Before anyone had ever said the word “collagen” out loud.

What if influencers existed in the year 2000?

Pre Myspace, pre-YouTube… just a dial-up connection and a dangerous amount of confidence…

~*DIML As An InFlUeNcEr*~

Hey guysssss!

A lot of you5 have been asking about my routine, how I fill my day, and what I’m loving lately, so here it is! Leave questions in my guestbook, and I’ll try to answer them in a future post!

As a side note, I’ve been overwhelmed with instant messages, so I’ll be opening up an AOL6 chat room this Tuesday at 7 pm for an hour to get to answer your questions. Add StaciWithAnI to your buddy list and find the link in my away message.

***Please do not IM me when you see an away message up. Boundaries are important, and I need to protect my mental health.***

~*MoRnInG*~

Every morning I wake up and immediately check my beeper to make sure no one paged me overnight. I scroll through the pages and jot them down in my Lisa Frank notebook7 in the order I need to call back based on urgency and popularity. For those of you asking, I use a different color gel pen8 for each day so I can keep track. If I don’t check my beeper by 8 am, I feel so behind for the day!

Then, I head to the kitchen because I like to start my day with supplements. Gut health is really important. I take 2 Flintstone vitamins straight from the bottle. They’re fruity and chewable, so I don’t even need water. I’m currently cycling between orange and purple based on what my body needs. It says they’re for kids, but a vitamin is a vitamin.9

If you want to start improving your health with Flintstones, be sure to say my code “YABADABASTACI” to the cashier at your local grocery store to get 10% off.

~*WoRkOuT*~

Then I head to my workout. I got invited by Curves (I’m a Curves partner) to try them out for the month, and am obsessedddd. I wouldn’t call it an intense workout, it’s more of a mouth workout if you know what I mean ;). So much good gossip in between circuits.

If you’re tired of your Discman skipping when on the elliptical, definitely look into this. They play music in the studio, and the track list is bomb.com.

Try Curves for yourself by sending a self-addressed stamped envelope to their HQ and mention my name for a free trial. Please allow 4-6 weeks to receive your voucher in the mail.

~*SKiNcArE & BeAuTy*~

When I get home, I hop in the shower and do my morning skincare routine. Lately, I’ve been loving the Proactiv 3-Step System. This isn’t sponsored. I bought it with my own money by calling the 800 number like everyone else.

It has really dried out my skin, which I love because I’ve been using fewer oil blotting sheets throughout the day. I also prefer to do it in the morning so it doesn’t stain my pillowcases at night.10

Then I do my hair. Here’s how to recreate my look:

1. Straighten the front pieces with a Wet 2 Dry straightener while it’s sopping wet

2. Scrunch the rest with Rave Mousse (or any mousse you like). I recommend using about half the can; you want your hair to be crispy!

3. Optional: Mist in some Sun-In if you’re going to be outside, may as well work on those highlights

It’s such an easy, no-effort look. This was today’s OOTD:

~*MiDdAy AdMiN & nAiLs*~

Then, it’s time to check my AOL, Hotmail, and the fax machine to see if any brand deals came through. I start reviewing potential partnerships with a newbie roll-on body glitter company and a national psychic hotline when I remember I have a nail appointment.

«~A lot of you have been asking about how I handle the phone, computer, and a fax machine. The answer is I had to add a third phone line so that I can stay on AIM all day. Luckily, all of the Bell affiliates are having an “add 2 phone lines, get 1 free” special this month! Call the number on the cover of your most recent Yellow Pages to get the deal. (sponsored)~»

I grab the ad I ripped out of last month’s Cosmo as inspo and head to the salon. I’m asking for a crackle nail because French manicures are so overdone. I’m hoping they have it in stock so I don’t have to do something airbrush again. My nail tech said I’m her most trend-forward client. A lot of you have been asking where I go, and I’m going to gatekeep her so I am still able to get appointments. Sorry, not sorry.

~*LuNcH*~

After my appointment, I head to Baja Fresh11 for a bite to eat. I just burned a new CD, so I don’t even mind the extra 10-minute drive. Baja, if you’re reading this, I’d love to be a BajaAmbassador ;). The manager is starting to know my order, so I feel like I’m almost in.

Here’s what I order if you want to recreate, it’s soOoOo good:

~Chicken quesadilla, no sour cream, extra guac, and half a spoonful of salsa verde

~Extra rice

~Surge soda since it tastes better from a fountain

~*AfTeRnOoN hUsTlE*~

I get home and start returning calls to all my pages from earlier, which takes up most of the afternoon. I also use this time to check my answering machine and return any calls.

Then I update my AIM away message to show everyone that I am actually working:

Ugh, my away messages continue to get copied, which is really flattering, but my lawyer is on it, so watch out! Someone stole my “too blessed to be stressed” one word for word. Can you believe?

I also make a new GeoCities post titled: People change.

In case you’re new to the influencer game and want to be one of us, the key is to bait people into clicking. Be mysterious and vague. The goal is to get people to IM you, asking what’s wrong. Sign on and off a few times to really get their attention; that also usually works.

~*EvEnInG cOnTeNt EvEnT*~

Later, I meet Lauren and Lauryn at the mall to check out the new Quicksilver x PacSun collab we were invited to preview. Omgggg, it’s so good! Lots of buttery soft tees and board shorts. I can’t get over how everything feels like butter! They even had a string-your-own puka shell necklace bar. Shells are so hot right now. Check out the collection at your local mall. Unless you don’t have a PacSun, in which case, that sucks. The new catalog should be out soon, so maybe you can order from there?

I was so torn between going to this or the Victoria’s Secret Whale Tail Event. I heard they had tanning beds set up and were offering the PINK dog as a tattoo. I decided against going because my Playboy bunny tat is already going strong, and that’d just be weird to have 2 animal tan tattoos.

Anyway, Victoria’s Secret wanted me to remind you that their never-ending 6 for $30 undies sale is still happening.12 (This is an ad, bTW. They’re mailing me a gift certificate in exchange for this post)

After the event, we decided to check out this cute newbie ice cream place called Coldstone that just opened in the mall. The line was 45 minutes long, but we used the time to take photos with my Funsaver. I had 10 pics left and really want to get them developed so I can scrapbook my snaps from the Baby Phat brand trip.

~*NiGhT rOuTiNe*~

Back home, I wash my face with St. Ives Apricot Scrub until it feels smooth, then I finish it off with Stridex Pads. You want to really feel the burn.13 My derm has actually advised against both of these products, but like, if they’re so bad, then why do I keep seeing ads everywhere? Let me know if you want a full review.

Remember: the key to matte skin is avoiding moisturizer entirely. Shine is the enemy!

I turn on the TV and realize it’s Thursday, so it’s time to see if Ross and Rachel are finally getting back together. It doesn’t start for another 15 minutes, so I watch whatever’s already on NBC and wait patiently.

Some of you have been asking where the wallpaper in the background of my webcam photo from last week is from. It’s actually shopping bags! I made a checkered pattern using bags from Abercrombie and Bloomingdale’s. Cute, right?

Then, I put on my new cloud-printed PJs from dELiA*s (gifted), and set my bedtime away message:

And head to sleep.

—

~*LeAvE qUeStIoNs & DoN’t FoRgEt To…*~

Welcome to the H.A.G.S. issue. Just because we don’t have yearbooks1 in the real world doesn’t mean we can’t still have a great summer.

There’s something about sunshine that makes me want to drive with the windows down, blasting Hoku’s Perfect Day. I say this while typing in a sweatshirt, shivering, but spring is merely a state of mind. And so is summer.

IDK what it is about one warm, perfect day that provokes insane thoughts like “I could really be on a boat right now” when in reality I don’t know anyone with a boat. And I get seasick. Picnics also always sound like a great romantic backup, but really, who wants to sit on the ground? Not this geriatric millennial.

The good news is, it’s still possible to have (and enjoy) a great summer. It just might look less like a yacht in St. Tropez and more like a drink in your friends’ backyard, and home by 8:30.

Inside you’ll find wiser surf-chic options, the origin of a certain phrase, and the return of Hot or Not in a way that harms no one. If you’ve ever signed a yearbook in gel pen, this issue is for you.

And remember, as sunny days approach, just say no to Sun-In2.

Trust me, if I could have figured out how to make a digital gel pen for this, I would have.3

Grown-up surfer girl vibes without having to actually surf.

Seems like a legit origin to me 🤷🏼‍♀️4

What’d you get?5

The real MVP.

I’m already running low on Easter candy, S.O.S.

H.A.G.S, L.Y.L., T.T.F.N… Leave a message or hit the celly cell!

Its slogan is “designed to be deleted,” and if I hadn’t been successful on it before, I would have thought this was referring to the experience, meaning deleting the app in frustration.

Recently, I went on five dates in eight days, a spree that left me questioning why. And where did I even get the energy? This isn’t a cry for help, though I see how it can be interpreted that way.

So, I documented it MTV Diary style. Four of these dates came from what I’ve dubbed my HingeBinge™; an attempt to use all my free likes in a single day. It’s not as easy as it sounds; the options are rough, but I remained committed to seeing things through. And just like actual episodes of Diary, there isn’t much juice here… but that’s never stopped anyone from watching.

Date 1: March 30, 2026

Green flags, red reality

We matched after I commented on his prompt about kitchen dance parties2. A few messages about music later, he asked me out. His idea: a dive bar.

The dive-iest of dive bars, which immediately killed my outfit plans. I briefly considered wearing my new jelly shoes, then decided I didn’t want my feet exposed to the elements. He messaged to confirm day-of and asked to push the time because his cleaning people were coming. I said yes. He thanked me. Communication was strong. I was optimistic.

I got there early, scored parking right in front3 and sat at a sticky table trying to pick the least offensive beer.4 He walked in and was much cuter than his photos. We hugged, ordered drinks, and headed to the patio.

That’s when it fell apart.

He sat down, immediately pulled out his phone, glanced at it for a bit, and finally said “sorry.” Then, he launched into a monologue about his job. No questions to me, no back-and-forth convo, just monologue after monologue about work. Was he practicing for a TED talk?

We eventually pivoted to sports, where he insisted he’s “not into sports,” then later asked if I overheard him having a full sports conversation at the bar. I did not. He seemed proud. I was confused.

We discovered we grew up in neighboring towns… it changed nothing. At one point, he went to the bathroom long enough that I wondered if he’d left. Honestly, I wouldn’t have blamed him. I also wanted to leave.

He came back, finished his drink quickly, and wrapped things up. I was home and in bed by 8:30, which is the best-case scenario.

The next morning, he unmatched me. Coward.

Highlights:

• Showed up cuter than expected

• Strong pre-date communication

Lowlights:

• Immediate phone usage

• One-man conversation

• Sports flex that wasn’t a flex

Would I See Him Again?
No, but apparently the feeling is mutual.

Date 2: April 2, 2026

Blown away (not in a good way)

His prompt: “worst roommate story.” The hook? One roommate got the other pregnant. “It didn’t end well (baby was fine).” I was nosy. I needed details. He claimed there were “so many layers, each wilder than the last.” He shared none, which was devastating for me.

Still, he asked me out and provided decent enough options for a date: trivia, rose garden, ramen, bar with music, or a Jack London stroll. I chose the stroll. Low commitment and an easy exit. Also, steps.

Day of, he confirms two hours before. My hair takes forever to do, so I’ve already done it before I even had the confirmation. It looks good. This will be short-lived.

We meet on a street corner. It is insanely windy. Within seconds, my hair is flying around like I’m in a low-budget music video. There’s no way I looked good.

We start walking. Conversation is fine. We discover we both like paddleboarding. That’s about as far as it goes. It’s a struggle, but luckily, it’s so windy we couldn’t hear each other anyway. Thanks, nature.

We pivot to a drink at an empty wine bar, where the conversation doesn’t improve. Finding things to talk about feels like I’m being graded on participation.

At the end, he offers to walk me to my car. We get to the garage entrance, realize we parked on opposite sides, and say our goodbyes.

And then… the real event begins.

I get to the exit gate, and my ticket won’t scan. There’s no barcode on it. I assume the machine ate it. I drive to the ticket office… closed. Try another exit… nothing. I consider committing a minor crime before hitting the call button.

After a long wait, someone answers.

“Where’s your ticket, ma’am5?”

“The machine ate it, I only have the receipt.”

“There’s no way the machine ate it. Check your bag.”

I check my bag.

It’s there. I leave embarrassed and thankful that only security cameras saw my psychological unraveling.

Highlights:

• Solid date options

• Shared interest in paddleboarding

• I got my steps in

Lowlights:

• Wind as a third wheel

• Zero conversational momentum

• Publicly being wrong about the parking ticket

Would I See Him Again?
No, but the parking garage and I still have unfinished business.

Date 3: April 4, 2026

This is the sound of… silence.

We matched after bonding over Croatia. He asked to grab a drink Saturday afternoon. I didn’t really want to go, but I also didn’t have anything better to do, so here we are. He’s new to the area and asks me to pick the spot (my least favorite task), so I suggest somewhere near me with a patio.

I walk up and wave. He doesn’t smile, just stands, and goes in for an awkward hug. He’s giving hostage situation.

He’s quiet. Like, really quiet. I start asking questions, trying to get things going. Short answers. No follow-ups. I keep the conversation alive like it’s my job6. At one point, I stop talking entirely to see what happens.

Nothing happens.

Eventually, he warms up slightly and has moments where he’s more animated, but we never find a rhythm. All I could think about was how bad I wanted to, I was drained from carrying the entire conversation.

I wrap things up with “I need to let the dog out7” which is technically true, but now is also my go-to exit strategy. He hands me his phone, already on the keypad, and says, “number please.8” I comply.

We part ways with another awkward hug.

The next day, he texts saying he had a good time, and wants to see me again. I say sure, open to a second chance. 48 hours later, he thumbs up to my message.

Highlights:

• Brief moments of personality

• Actually used my number

Lowlights:

• Carrying the entire conversation

• Long, unbroken silences

• Thumbs-up as a follow-up strategy

Would I See Him Again?
I said yes, but realistically, no

Date 4: April 6, 2026

A hard line at hard pants

This was the one I was most excited about. We matched after I responded to his prompt about him being taken to an MLM skincare presentation on a date. I love hearing about a good pyramid scheme. After some good back-and-forth banter, we decide to meet at a dive-ish bar in my neighborhood.

He was already outside when I got there, so we walked together and were immediately surrounded by a group of people wearing name tags. We grab drinks and take the only open spot next to a skee-ball machine.

The conversation is easy. He’s engaging, interesting, and has great energy. It’s the most natural interaction I’ve had all week.

And then… he loses me.

He admits he’s shallow and materialistic. He loves designer things. I nod, sitting there in head-to-toe Old Navy9. He also says that he rarely wears sweats and would never leave the house in them.

I immediately know this won’t work; I have a strict no hard pants lifestyle.

Highlights:

• Strong banter

• Easy, engaging conversation

• No awkward gaps

Lowlights:

• Skee-ball interruptions

• Lifestyle incompatibility

Would I See Him Again?
As a person? Yes. As a match? Probably not

Date 5: April 7, 2026

A ring of uncertainty

Matched over pickleball. He’s cute, except for one photo where he’s wearing a wedding ring. Totally fine if he’s been married before. Slight concern though... what if he still is?

His profile is vague, but his messages are great. Engaging. Thoughtful. Actual effort. Rare enough that I agree to meet.

He shows up 10 minutes early and texts that he’s there just as I’m parking. I love a man who respects time.

I walk in, and we hug. He looks a little older than his photos, but we proceed.

The conversation immediately feels like an interview. Surface-level questions, no real rhythm, nothing to build on. Trivia is happening in the background, which we try to use as a lifeline. It doesn’t save us.

After a while, I pivot and start using the date to practice my interview skills. If I’m going to be here, I’m at least getting something out of it.

We talked for about an hour. I learned nothing. Including nothing about the ring. The mystery still remains.

Nice enough guy. No connection.

Highlights:

• Early arrival

• Strong messaging

Lowlights:

• Interview-style conversation

• No natural flow

• The ring remains a mystery

Would I See Him Again?
Nah, I’m good. Still want to know about the ring though.

So there’s my dating spree. Five dates. Eight days. Zero love connections. Except for my couch. That relationship is thriving.

I’ll now be taking a brief intermission from dating to focus on my recovery (and by recovery, I mean not looking at Hinge to see what fresh hell awaits).

There’s also not a day that goes by that I don’t thank my lucky stars (Prozac), that I am largely unbothered, which at this point feels like the real win.

~ I’m coming in hot (literally) with this month’s Top 8. Spring up showed early1 and said “let’s fix your mood,” and it really did. Turns out not being cold and it being light out past 6pm is life-changing. Speaking of changes, it’s a new month, so you know what that means… changes to the Top 8.~

Mahjong

I’ve become my mother.2

She’s been playing mahjong with friends on Tuesday nights for years. I am now also playing mahjong with friends on Tuesday nights.

A local spot started hosting mahjong nights. Come in, grab some food or a drink, and be humbled by tiles. The game is confusing. Every time I think I understand winds or scoring, I discover I’ve been playing completely wrong. Yet, I keep going back.

At one of the nights, I caught wind3 of a mahjong speak easy with a DJ that opened nearby. I might go. Me? Going out-out? Who’ve I become?

Bend

Bend continues to be absolute perfection and my favorite US city. I spent a few days on a ranch, petting highland cows4. Was with some people who’d never been to Oregon before, so did the full starter pack (and things that I’d never done): Koosah Falls, ATV’ing through the desert, and Smith Rock State Park.

I also made a pilgrimage to the last Blockbuster, which always deserves a visit. I’m going back for my big birthday in a few months and cannot wait.

Project Hail Mary

Not a hot take, but I loved this movie. Note that this is coming from someone who never sees movies. I think my last one was…2024? But Project Hail Mary is a top 5 book for me, so this was important. The book was slightly better (as always), but I wasn’t mad about the adaptation. Also, somehow Rocky looked exactly how I imagined, which makes this even a bigger win.

Jelly shoes

Third time’s a charm? I hope so. They didn’t work when I was a kid. Didn’t work when I tried again as a pre-teen. And here I am, once again trying them as an adult.

I was seduced by nostalgia which caused me to buy not one, but two pairs during Old Navy’s 50% off sale. Neither have been worn out of the house yet as I’m still currently wearing thick socks with them in hopes of breaking them in. Thoughts and prayers to my feet.

Woozoo fan

Shoutout to Costco5, for once again improving my life. I had the tabletop version of this fan for years, until I discovered this year that it no longer wants to rotate. I went to buy another one and upgraded to the full standing fan. It oscillates side to side AND up and down. It’s silent. It’s powerful. It’s now more important to me than most relationships. I may not have AC, but I now have hope of surviving the summer.

Tjs cookie dough ice cream bites

These will be the end of me. My favorite part about ice cream is the mix-ins, and if you’re the same, this is for you. It’s basically a ball of cookie dough with just enough ice cream inside that it can be legally included in the name. It’s perfect. I’m tempted to clear out my whole freezer and buy a case of them so I’m stocked up.6

Finally got back into reading

I ended my reading slump thanks to the help of Love Story. I started with Carole Radziwill’s audiobook, then pivoted to Emily Giffin’s loosely based novel. From there, I moved on from the Kennedys and read Wreck. Now reading a random book I found in my building lobby, like it was meant for me specifically. Feels good to be back.

Candle

I’ve always wanted my house to smell like Anthropologie. That dream has now been replaced. At the ranch in Bend, I walked into the bathroom and thought “this bathroom smells really good.” A sentence I’ve never said before.

I tracked it down to Soap Paper Factory’s Rolling Pine. The gift shop was sold out. Then, against all odds, the first store I walked into later smelled the same. It was their signature scent too and they sold it.

I bought a candle7. It smells like a Christmas tree that’s meant for year-round use. And now my home smells like the bathroom in Bend.

~If you didn’t make the Top 8, just know I have my reasons…~