HM: Everyone who is reading this , I may not know you but the fact that you took time to click on this and read it means the most. You are loved , beautiful and amazing.

Marq, Gabe and all my friends

I have never been good at this whole friendship thing, maybe because I try my best not to involve my feelings, which is not a good tactic. I am so grateful for you guys more than you even know because from you I have learnt to be in tune with my emotions and learn how to control them. You have been a shoulder to cry on, a pillar of strength and my support system. I know this article is so out of the blue but you all deserve to know considering I was meant to write it anyway. I love each of you dearly , enough to move mountains , great mountains and I wish for nothing but the best for you all.

My dearest A ,

I doubt you will see this but if you do well I doubt you will know it’s you. I told you that you will always have a part of my heart and I wasn’t lying. I have never loved someone as much as I have loved you, I doubt I ever will. You were my first love and the one person I was most comfortable around. We were end game, till death do us part but life had other plans. We were young and naive and well it never worked out. Sometimes I wonder if it still can, reading the same book expecting a different ending isn’t the smartest way to go about these things tho. I will always be glad we are still friends , maybe it’s better this way. Maybe when I do finally fall in love with the next the way I did with you, it will be electric and I’ll tell you all about it. As for now , I will celebrate your wins and losses not as your partner but as your friend. I love you ,always have and always will.

He who shall not be named G,

Wewe sasa😂😂heh. It takes a hurt person to hurt another person greatly, and as if the universe wasn’t clear enough we met after we had just left our previous relationship barely a month had even passed. I knew you were bad for me, I have always known. The forbidden fruit tastes the sweetest and I kid you not you were my greatest downfall. It has taken me months to get over you, to the point my friends couldn’t say your name in front of me, so we ended up calling you he who shall not be named instead😂😂😂😂. I am not going to lie we fucked each other up a lot. I guess that’s how best our dynamic was. I didn’t love you, you didn’t love me. Actually you told me severally that you were emotionally numb and couldn’t fully love me, I still stayed not because I loved you but because I had a certain version of you in my mind , maybe the one I wanted to achieve, I wanted you , wanted us to be like how A and I were. You even told me once you can never be A and I told you I could never be her. Hurt people hurt people and we were just two very hurt people hurting each other until you had the guts to finally let go. I’m glad it ended, I’m finally free but you left some scars and a lot of unkind words. I forgive you and I hope you have forgiven me. I finally got over you, enough for me to even write about it and my friends can finally say your name without me freaking out 🤣🤣. Anyway, thanks for being my 19 theory and making me an avoidant, I guess from you I’ve learnt I’m better off alone.

B and N,

Let’s start with B shall we. Hii B, I know for a fact you will read this. I don’t like you. I know you like me but I don’t like you. Actually surprisingly you are the one who made me write this, coz I saw your pain or rather I willingly caused it. I may have liked you but the feeling wasn’t well defined, it was more of I felt I had to say it back because you told it to me. I stayed coz you were so nice to me, the gifts, the kisses, the words of affirmation. I loved being treated like a girlfriend without actually being one. That’s the problem though. I can never fully love you Hadi Wachana na love, like. I’m gonna be real cliche but it’s not you it’s me. I never wanted to hurt you. I gave you the most clear signs. I pushed and pushed and you kept pulling and pulling. It was way too much for me and when you got up and I finally decided to put yourself first , I didn’t feel sad or mad I was actually glad (Hiyo rhyme eii😂😂😂). I felt relieved. I’m free from pretending that I have to pay back all the things you did for me, you are free from liking someone who treats you like shit. I’m sorry but I know you will find better.

N. Well I met you a month ago on this lovely app.😂. You made my days brighter and lovelier and I felt weird without seeing your texts for more than an hour. That’s the thing tho, I got bored. I liked you, I guess I figured it was more of infatuation at the end of the day. I hated seeing you try to reach out to the part of me that I locked up after G. We weren’t compatible, you were way too clingy and I hated that. I decided to include you and B in this not because I fully loved you but because a part of me wanted to try. I think I need to fix the part of myself that broke completely before breaking others. You are a very beautiful soul, just not one that is meant to be my soulmate.

E and M,

You two well, I have a lot to say to you but I’ll keep it short. I am sorry if I wasn’t a good friend to you, I’m flawed and I own up to it. I find it very fascinating that I’m that fast to drop tho. I always see these people who fight for friendships then realized that can never be us and it will never be. M, the smallest part of me has always hated you but the majority adored you, you were basically held in the highest pedestal like a god. I guess if the roles were reversed I would have forgiven you, funniest thing is I did forgive you but you were super quick to drop me without us fighting for it, talking it out. I’m not gonna victimize myself, I take full responsibility but maybe I’m glad it went that route, so we don’t have to keep faking it , I don’t have to keep faking it. As for you E, well I always knew we were gonna drift apart anyway, it was always a matter of time. I always felt that I had to fight for our friendship more than you did. I always had to reach out and apologize but it was easier for you to throw me aside. I always felt like a floater friend when I was with the two of you from the dawn of time. I’m glad I’ve found my people, I’m not scared of getting discarded at any moment. I’m not mad at you. I don’t even feel anything these days, it used to hurt but I realized you wouldn’t move the same mountains I would for you. I hope you are happy because I am.

Finally, myself. I will always protect you because the only person that matters to me is me.

I have so many more letters to write, so many things to say but maybe I’ll do that at the end of the year, I’ll say what I feel to those who need to hear it , face to face and not on paper or phone or whatever.

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AFTER EVERYTHING WE HAVE DONE FOR YOU

My friend the number of times nimeambiwa hii ni kama I optionally chose to spawn on this lovely planet msee. I’m not gonna hold it against them , I have said this a million times I am very grateful for everything they have done for me but it gets to a point Jamani. If you are going to guilt trip your child for your responsibility then don’t have one. It 👏is👏as👏simple👏as👏that. What do you mean I decide I want to go watch a movie with my friends and then this banger comes up like are we being for real😂😂.Worst of all is I’m in my 20’s, I am trying to find my sense of self and identity and my parents are not helping like at all😂😂. For someone who has been a good child her whole life , I am tayad.

KWANI SHETANI AMEKUINGIA

Yes guys I am the devil from Gatundu🤣🤣.Ok first of all, I don’t know who is going to hold the hands of our parents and tell them that religious manipulation doesn’t work on our generation but I will sound crazy so Wacha tu. If I’m going out with friends or doing what makes me happy , trying new styles and watching shows that you think are demonic because apparently everything is demonic basi eeeh shetani ameniingia vibaya tena sana🤣💃🏼💃🏼. I don’t have to go to church , for the first time in my life I feel free not tied down by the rules that made me feel so bad , so guilty. You don’t have to shove your religion down our throats, tutaretaliate 😂😂.Not everything in life or rather not everyone associates it all to religion and that’s ok. If that isn’t ok, well eeeh shetani ameniingia.

HAO MARAFIKI WANAKUINFLUENCE VIBAYA

Am I making noise😂😂😂😂 HEHHHHHH. Everything I do , it’s associated with my friends being bad influences to me and it’s genuinely very annoying. Ok then case scenario they are influencing me, trust me I have enjoyed so much of my life especially this year because of their influence. So will that change?? My happiness for their satisfaction oh hell no 😂😂✌️. Everything and everyone is apparently influencing me 🫤, Mara it’s my phone, Mara it’s my not going to church. Mtaachana na mimi please.

Anyway guys, as we speak my phone is on airplane mode na Nimeenda kulala pahali najiskia 😂😂, am I being a bitch ? Yes. But sometimes mtu huchoka. Always remember friends wazazi wataheal and if you have more common phrases lemme know😂😂. Bye(Unaona Hadi Leo sijakuwa poetic kama kawaida it’s so bad aaah😭🔪)

Hurt people hurt people. I kid you not the number of people I’ve hurt because of hurt is unfathomable. Knowingly or unknowingly. I am a big girl though, I take full accountability for my actions, I’ve been a bitch to the people that love me and it’s not something I really can control or can I ?

I don’t deserve the love I receive from my friends or family, because they love me so wholly yet I know I can’t give it back. That’s my truth, a truth that can’t be overlooked. I cannot give back as much as I have received. Maybe it’s the walls I’ve built, the very tall and wide and strong walls I’ve built to trap myself within. I know I deserve love but I don’t want to be given it if I cannot reciprocate it.

Maybe that’s why it’s hard to accept it, the concept of an all loving God. The concept that bothers me isn’t him loving me, it’s me having to give it back because honestly I can’t. It may sound like the most absurd thing.Funny thing is, I used to love unconditionally, fully and not holding anything back, if asked to give the person I love my heart so that they can live and I could die, I would do it in a minute. Then there was a shift, I gave too much and got so little. My cup ran empty and no matter how much someone else tried to fill it up again it would just spill through the cracks, cracks that never seem to be fully sealed. So back to these couples, I wish I could post someone happily and call them my love without faking it , without biting my tongue. It must be nice to love. The craziest thing about it all or what I envy most is their ability to continue loving knowing damn well it comes with risks , it comes with pain , it comes with sacrifice. That’s the difference between those couples and I , the thing that separates us. I cannot do it again, I cannot risk it again. I love myself and maybe that’s where it fully ends , at myself. With that , I will protect myself from it all, from love.

So no I do not deserve your love, love from all those who have given it to me despite me not asking , despite me pushing them away, despite it all because realistically speaking you deserve it all , you deserve love that doubles yours, love that I just cannot give you.Maybe the reason I haven’t found my soul mate is because I’m yet to find or feel my soul. Yet to stop feeling numb.

Anyway, be free unlike me, love fully and magically. Ciao ;)

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A woman died today in my apartment building, it affected me more than it should have. I didn’t know her , she was not my friend or even my neighbor, we didn’t live on the same floor. She fell to her death btw. Correction, she was pushed to her death. I don’t know why it affected me, maybe I’m selfish, maybe I like to make things about me. Maybe it’s the fact that in a different timeline, I was the one arguing with my boyfriend over the balcony of my house while drunk , confronting him about cheating and he pushed me to my death and it would affect another girl. Maybe that’s why it hurt so much, that she had a future ahead of her that was stolen so fast and empathy (an emotion I haven’t felt in a while) engulfed me.

Can I live my best life? I don’t know really it’s hard to tell. I have a cousin, he is four. His friend went missing. His friend was found dead. His friend was five. There are ten thousand more children like his friend who also went missing. Are they dead? Maybe, most of them are anyway. Again , I’m just being selfish aren’t I. Maybe I need to stop making a big deal out of it. I haven’t given birth to anyone. Yet in another reality, I’m grieving my child who went to play with his friend and never made it home?

Will I live my best life knowing I can go out with a man and end up dead? I’ve never been killed by one, why does it feel like I have? Is it the way they have broken my heart? No , not really it’s something else. Perhaps the posts you see everyday when I open my phone , a girl burned , stabbed , raped and cut into pieces. Women being killed by their lovers?Yea , it doesn’t affect me tho, I’m into women. You’d think it would mitigate the situation.Newsflash , they just want your vagina not you as a person. Not me as a person. Women and men are equal, well that’s funny. Will I live my best life knowing I’m a target any day ? Anytime and anyplace I can be abducted. I have to work twice as hard to prove myself , to prove I’m better than the men, than the system. Does this count as having lived my best life?

Can I live life to the fullest while my hope fades everyday? Maybe I will die of Ebola , a greedy leader had his way. Facilities we don’t really have, for the colonialists comfort. I heard the HIV and cancer medicine has expired. I trust the leaders though, it’s not like they have embezzled our money , stolen from us and run as dry to the ground. It’s not like they gamble with our lives for their riches which let’s be realistic they have enough to last them till they day they die. Enough for their children’s children who for your information will be taken to India and the best medical facilities in the event of illness.

I was told to live a day at a time , that’s living life to its fullest , enjoying the simplest things until a stray bullet catches me while I’ve come from meeting up with my friends for a day out. I should stop going out , I don’t have that kind of money anyway. The economy is crashing and the tax is overbearing. I won’t have enough soon and they may throw me out of a moving matatu. I can stay home and enjoy the time with my younger sibling , they almost burnt the school , they could have died, enjoying every single moment with them matters.

Maybe living my best life means seeing the good in everything, despite it being hard or hopeless. Am I living my life to the fullest as of now? No. If I was I’d not be as affected by how the society is collapsing. Maybe it’s because I am being too sensitive , I shouldn’t bat an eyelid. Taking away my sensitivity is taking away who I am. So yea I doubt I can live my life to the fullest but I can at least try.

You get to church on time. As you head inside the church you see a brand new car, Mercedes , black and sleek with nice rims. Your father notices it and asks whose it is. You all know the answer of course. Your mom says it’s the pastor’s. God is really blessing him. God is moving in his life. You remain silent. Your opinions may be overly biased. In fact your opinions shouldn’t be known by your parents at all. You get into church and the service has begun. You hear the singing and the chanting, you don’t understand why people are crying or speaking a language that makes no sense. In all honesty you’d prefer not to be there. You were once religious though, very. In fact one could call it psychosis. However, there was no point in time you spoke in tongues or threw yourself on the floor in prayer. It made you feel less like a believer and more like an impostor. The more you prayed, the more you hoped it would happen. Till you hit a snag. You realized there was something that didn’t add up about it all. You asked why God is a he not a she and you got some very unkind words in return. You asked why Catholics see Protestants as defiant and Protestants see Catholics as strict, their ways not in order. Funniest thing they will justify themselves with the Bible, every single time. You asked where the women were during the counting of the 5000 men and you were told they didn’t need to be counted. The more you asked , the more it piled up into doubt and the more it didn’t make sense to you. Maybe it was the Holy Spirit you needed, maybe you needed to read the Bible more and speak in tongues despite being unable to for months on end. Or maybe you needed to realize the reason it never made sense was cause there was no sense behind it entirely. The pastor keeps preaching and saying how the times are wicked, men loving men, women loving women , disgraceful. All the while brandishing his new IPhone 17 in the air. Maybe his other businesses are succeeding, your mother comments. You know deep down that the congregation is the business. Your father sends you money to give out as tithe and offering , you pretend to give it out , casually putting it in your pocket and placing an empty hand in the basket. You don’t want to enrich someone with your money or rather your parents. For heaven’s sake aren’t they satisfied??.Heaven. That’s something else. The idea of singing and dancing to an immortal God for the rest of our lives seems less of heaven and more of torture. Is that all we will be doing, singing and dancing?? You also wonder about hell, that seems terrifying. At least God loves us enough to give us the choice of believing in him and letting him in our hearts and if we don’t we end up dying and burning and being tortured by the same guy who also disobeyed him. You remember your friend who believes they are God. Logic behind it?? The spirit of God is within each of us yes?? Then we are all God. Another believes God is the air, the trees , the sand. Another believes that God is the universe itself. You, well , you don’t know. You think there is a God, but is it the one who let the white man colonize the black people and make them forget all their existing beliefs? Maybe , maybe not. Who knows? Certainly not you. You feel overwhelmed. You wait for the service to end and say your “ God bless you” salutations quick to some people on your way out. You look up. Maybe the sky is God. Unlikely. You then conclude it’s fine. You don’t judge others for believing though. You doubt people would do the same for you if they found out your way of reasoning. You are not as aggressive as most people are about proving Christian’s wrong. You actually respect that they believe in something, something that gives them hope. The promise of eternal life, riches in heaven. That sounds good. You wonder maybe you are deist.

It does seem like the best way to reason. You admit secretly to yourself that there is a divine being. The being having to be perfect and hating all evil, that you doubt it. The being also being a bit narcissistic and wanting everyone to worship it or face death, you HIGHLY doubt it. What if the being intervenes does that change anything? Will it intervene with the goal of being evil or good?

If there is a God, you conclude , he would be a bit off base with what the Christian’s believe. In fact he wouldn’t make you feel as if you are at gunpoint. You realize that you’ve felt that way for the longest. You listen to secular music and you feel like thunder will strike you. You say God is a woman, you feel like you have insulted the whole world. You realize you’ve been at peace after knowing that you can live life without fear of hell. For you if God exists well and good if he doesn’t well and good. At least our Pastors get fed well and we get to judge one another for our beliefs.God would love that.🙂. You are in no rush to figure it out, you know you’ll get a response at some point. Maybe even turn back to Christianity for that sense of hope , injected into them daily. With the plan and vision of heaven, maybe just maybe. You decide to keep going to church, not because you want to, but because you get offering money which normally would be denied to you on a weekday but since it’s going to a “ better cause” it’s given so gladly. You decide to keep going to see hair inspos or how well your hypocritical friend can sing in the choir. You decide to keep going because maybe just maybe you’ll find a reason to believe in it again no matter how slim the chances may be.

I swear at this point if my life was a movie it would be titled a series of unfortunate events and I’d say yesterday was the peak of the show. As I write this, my body is sore, I’m super weak and my brain power is utterly dead. Anyway let me just yap on this app because I have free will but also aki kuna important lessons 😭 I think.

When you think of a hike , you get all excited coz it’s an adventure that awaits. Well, maybe that’s just me juu aki I’ve done hikes before so when my mom suggested Longonot(kitu nimefanya before) I was like why not. The reason I chose to go back was coz of the summit, I had never reached there so at least the sense of adventure made me want to go.(Note to self : if you want adventure Enda bike riding 😭). The day started good we got in a bus, together with other random people who signed up for the hike(I never met this people before I guess that’s the meaning of random but it was a neighborhood group). We get to a pitstop and I meet this woman called Veronica (not her real name don’t wanna be cancelled). Let me tell you my good and able people that woman was A BITCH. No msianze kukuwa activists mseme ni internalized misogyny like bro I’m not even kidding when I say she was just being mean for no reason. I said hi to her nachapwa na kwani huwezi tumia choo haraka because we were at the washrooms that time😭.

Excuse you MADAM BUT I JUST SAID HI IMAGINE YOU WILL NOT DIE SAYING IT BACK😀🔪. Anyway , we get to the mountain and the climb up was a piece of cake till we got to the crater hapo ndio msiba zikifanyika. Now my periods have been late for a week na Nilikuwa naskia kulia like I had so much anxiety what if a whole being was growing inside me nianze kuitwa mama nani. Like Nilikuwa nimeshaanza kupick baby names😭😭😭. So you can bet how fascinating it was to get cramps on this mountain and boom my period started. I had to go change into something and started going round the crater with those lovely cramps of mine😭. Mid way of this lovely hike, the sole of my shoes yanks off. That’s right kids exactly how you heard it , VIATU VYANGU VILIHARIBIKA MLIMANI😀. So when I step down , I’m basically feeling each rock and everything. The more we hike, the more I got blisters and mind you my shoes don’t have soles no more so I’m basically barefoot. I then step down and slide of the trail and start falling into the crater.

I can’t even lie to you , when I lost my gripping , I literally shut off all of my cognitive abilities. Nothing was literally motivating me to stop the fall, I just started sliding and that’s it , there is nothing more or less I can do to make this better. Maybe death isn’t so bad , I have nothing more left to do anyway. I don’t wanna get married so that’s not something I need to achieve and I’m single as hell so no boyfriend to cry over me. I don’t have anyone I like and my friends can always get a replacement. This was it, I had resigned to my fate. My mom was literally screaming and I just felt a pull ok let’s say a yank and I was back on the track. This may have seemed like seconds to someone else but to me it was a whole hour. My whole family comes running towards me and I see my mom almost crying. That moved something in me. I do fight with her a lot and by a lot I mean A LOT , enough for me to sell her on the internet for free basically just give her away, but I knew deep down she loves me with all her heart and that microsecond of me almost falling to my doom was enough to give her more reason to be overprotective. We do continue with the journey to the end of going round the crater and I was literally crawling (like I wish I was kidding but I was butt crawling and hapo ndio nilianza kuona umuhimu wa kukuwa na matako kubwa no offense 😭).At this point my blisters were super bad like some had popped so when I remove my shoes and see blood😭 I couldn’t even think straight. My butt was hurt and my cramps were not helping(after all this I’m removing this fucking uterus because what the actual heck). I switch shoes with my sister and we descend and we finally got signal to call for help(the rest of the group left us on the mountain alone for your information so it was just my mom, sister, aunt , cousin and yours truly up there). Kenya is a funny place aki juu sasa when we call KWS to say I couldn’t walk further and all I was left with doing was butt crawling😭😭, they said we pay 6000 shillings to get me out of there. BRO 6000 AND WHAT IF THE SITUATION WAS WORSE AND I WAS FAINTING OR SOMETHING???😭. We eventually got rescued and we did have to part with money ( muende mchukue kura aki😭) and I got first aid to some extent😭😭. By first aid I mean walipanguza my foot blisters with wipes and poured cold water on them. Now remember Veronica, yea there is a reason I called her the b word because she starts making fun of me and doing imitations of me. “ Woiii nataka mnibebe si mnibebe, hadi mimi naskia uchungu” and she starts laughing and speaking about me in her mother tongue. How do I know it was about me? Because I was the last to finish the hike plus one of her friends told her to stop because I was genuinely hurt and it didn’t need a genius to see that. Well I guess her frontal lobe isn’t developed fully but she kept doing it anyway even when we were on our way home.

Haya , this is where it gets crazy(aki I’m sorry for yapping too much guys ). When we were on the road that basically Iko hapo kwa rift valley, I don’t know the name exactly but it’s the one where people stop at the viewpoint , there was a traffic jam. Our driver decided to overtake and let me tell you when I saw a lorry approaching us , my soul left my body like heh😭🙏. You see this thing where when you are close to death your best memories start flashing , I kid you not that was happening with me. Like bro twice in a day ???😭😭😭and to make it worse gari ikajizima so it was like some final destination stuff since nimekataa kukufa kwa Mlima Nitakufa kwa rift valley. Mind you the lorry (I think I’m mixing lorries and tankers because this one was the oil ones ) comes and breaks so quick that it missed us by an inch and we were by the side of the rift valley so we were hanging for our lives literally.We managed to get the car started and got home safe(I have to cut the story short sitaki mboeke sana). Oh yea , when we were in the bus almost falling and getting crushed , Veronica starts saying she can’t die now because she needs a rich baby daddy🤣🤣🤣. GIRL????? UNASEMA NINI WEWE. So Veronica girl congrats on making my substack and annoying me enough to put you here , you are a gem for real🥹. And ladies you do not need a baby daddy to survive just throwing it out there (ndiyo hiyo lesson nawapea). Actually the main lesson I can say I got from all this is life is so short, like it really CAN BE YOU ONE DAY LIKE JOKES ASIDE YOU WILL DIE. It was supposed to be me but maybe not so soon. Anyway , juu ya hiyo story I reached home and bought tickets to all events I’m aware off juu sasa nikipigwa na flashback ya my best moments upon death at least having fun in those events with my friends should be among them. Let me end it at that I shortened this story way too much but all in all , we live to see another day🤣🥹. (Tukutane solfest🤣🤣🕺🏼).

Situation was so bad I was praying to all the deities up there Nilikuwa Hadi Nasema to whoever it may concern🤣🤣🤣.

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When I tell you I froze at the shop as I was getting breakfast is an understatement. Let’s say I was basically loading the info I was being given in a rather slow way(nimeanza kukuwa retarded I swear). Lakini let me give context because I’ve started this so randomly.

I woke up for my seven am class and I hadn’t taken breakfast. I usually don’t juu sasa I’ll come back super hungry either way so let me survive my two or three hours then I’ll eat after. I normally have a carton of milk that I steal from home or lemme rephrase it , I normally get my milk from home so I rarely buy milk. My parents love wholesale shopping like from those stores so it’s super cheap, haimaanishi sikuwa najua price ya maziwa, I had like a rough estimate around 60 shillings. Like guys don’t stone me si we said we are being open minded to everyone 😭😭✌️.Same thing applies to a lot of stuff in my house , I just steal from home or go shopping with my parents. So when the canon event of my stuff getting depleted happened I had to take matters into my own hands since I hadn’t been home for a while.( the canon event happened sooner than expected). I get home to look for milk and boom hakuna maziwa. I grab a crisp 100 bob note and rush downstairs, I still carry my phone though in case it maybe more than the note can handle. Now fast forward to this moment.

“Maziwa ni 70 na mayai ni 18 bob” EEEEH PARDON??!! It may seem like I’m overreacting and venting for no reason on substack but I’m not. Wasn’t milk like 50 bob at some point in life ama nachizi? Let’s be realistic 18 bob is an outrageous amount of money for eggs aki. Being me I jokingly asked, kwani ng’ombe na kuku wanalishwa chakula special?😂😂.The shopkeeper just death stares me, tough crowd for real.

Ni kabaya aki😭

As I walk back I begin to think about a lot of things, I know ignorance is bliss but it comes to a point where you really can’t ignore something actively affecting you. I may be crashing out over a 20 bob difference but to someone somewhere that’s the difference between life and death. I mean in a span of five years this country has gone down the drain so much so that things that should seem abnormal are unfortunately normalized.OUR GOVERNMENT USES 48.3 MILLION A DAY!!!! Guys guys like I used to gaslight myself into believing that it isn’t affecting me, but I’ve been triggered by a 20 bob difference and that’s how I finally got it or rather I’m realizing that maybe we aren’t getting triggered enough. A lot of things have been doing that lately. I was having a conversation with a bunch of my friends and they start saying Ati “tutam”. The speed at which I left the scene should be studied in all honesty, in their defense they claimed no one else was fit for the position of president out of everyone vying so we just choose the devil we know than the angel we don’t. I have a little problem with that considering the devil I know makes me crash out asubuhi na mapema juu ya mayai ni kama kuku zimeanza kufly above and beyond. Alafu mtu anataka kuniambia point ya ujinga kama “at least we have cool stadiums “ . Yea because I eat stadiums for breakfast these days.

Ama I’m having an unhealthy and unnecessary crash out. Juu tbh (to be honest for the millennials reading this😂😂)these days my hormones have been everywhere I’m just crashing out for no reason. Let me just chill and drink some milk , OH WAIT 😄🔪. Don’t even get me started on how Sakaja is literally a menace to society as if we didn’t have to put swimming skills on the list of stuff we ought to know simply because he had one job to do. Najua mnataka kunikujia na notion ya oh we are the ones who littered, I get it (don’t be a buzzkill). How much litter does it take for the drainage to block to that extent (non existent drainage btw)? Ok Sawa let’s do a project shall we? Let’s put many bins all over town , so we stop littering then when it rains it WILL NOT FLOOD SINDIO??

Lakini anyway, let me calm down, nikama na kuwa too emotional Wololo. Am I though? I was telling my sister that at some point in time 2000 shillings was a lot of money , you would buy shopping to last a month. She thought I was kidding. I was not. Funny thing is , our country isn’t even a super power country , HOW IS OUR BUDGET HIGHER THAN THE WHITE HOUSE???Mind you I bet the amount of money used in the White House is being allocated for heavy stuff(kuna a war going on but I won’t get into that right now). Lakini the war going on in Kenya is amongst ourselves. Juu why are Ruto and Gachagua attacking each other on tour, saying how the other is a thief( mtu aambie Ruto atulie no matter how much utatusi Gachagua you are literally him in a different font). I can feel the subarus coming for me. Was this the Kenya our freedom fighters fought so hard for? Where when we wake up to fight for our rights , we are killed? I get triggered when someone on the news says serikali saidia juu sasa Ingekuwa era ya Kibaki ama hata Uhuru to some extent maybe , ,maybe the serikali would saidia, but sasa hii yetu wanataka hadi kuchukua hospitali buana 🙆‍♀️

Ama ni hapa pekee maziwa ni 70 bob, maybe I would not have crashed out ikiwa 60 or 65 bob. No , this isn’t about the eggs anymore. It’s built up frustration. If you aren’t frustrated, good for you. However , it will still affect you at some point whether you like it or not. In a small or big way. Guys Nevermind I’m just hungry Wacha niache kukuwa dramatic🥲🙂.Byeeee(mchukue kura)

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Someone on this app said they hate their mom and instantly I wanted to hug them , be their friend and tell them I am proud of them for saying it , saying what I’m terrified of saying. I don’t hate my mother or father, it’s more than that , it’s a realization. I know I may sound so spoilt for saying this , for clearing out my chest and saying what I may feel however if it does relate to you maybe we may be facing the same realization.

There is this sadness that comes from this realization. What realization exactly?? Well, maybe for you parents have been human and make mistakes and you had this in your mind from the start. As for me, it’s more of I don’t know what to do. For the longest time , the subject of being mad at my parents or seeing them as mere mortals who can make mistakes has been foreign to me. They are always right and I’m always in the wrong fullstop. Until my mom got mad at me for absolutely no reason( actually there was a reason I decided to do something for me, not for her) and gave me the silent treatment. I had to apologize because I did not see the point of me fighting with my mom over something so small but the apology was so empty or rather it was one done to make her happy, fulfill her ego, show she was right. Kwani tuko highschool? Like silent treatment seriously?? I had to wake up and be the bigger person. That’s where it came from, the shift, where I realized maybe It’s ok to feel overwhelmed, it’s ok to stop pretending to be the perfect daughter doing what they want to make them happy, forsaking my happiness. This may not even be about me, it may be about you too, the time when your parents, parent or guardian let you down and the worst thing is when they do there is no apology, you just sit there expecting one and when it doesn’t come you convince yourself that they aren’t meant to be saying sorry, since there is some unspoken rule, they are always right, it’s like some sacredness around parents as a whole. The moment this ends as I said before it’s a whole shift.Then there is that lie that I keep telling myself , they are doing it for the first time, they have never been parents before. Really now???I was one hour late once and they gave me a lecture on how I am changing, I’m not a good girl anymore. I found that ironic, one mistake I’m a horrible child but it takes so much for me to get their validation, to be “perfect”.I don’t know anymore, I don’t know if I’m the one being dramatic or that maybe there should be open discussions with them, with all of them about this.

I am not saying my parents don’t deserve to have children , I’m just saying my truth. What truth exactly?? That some parents suck and mine do. That’s my truth. I’m not going to pretend I’m ungrateful for all the mountains they moved for me to have a good life. I’m grateful, very, very much. In all honesty though, I didn’t choose to be here, you brought me into this world therefore let me be a bit spoilt when saying that you have a role to play in my upbringing and guilt tripping me into feeling bad for your responsibility in raising me is crazy work. It can’t be me alone , where they just wake up and make a weird statement like “ unadhani umekuwa mtu mkubwa na venye nimekupea maisha nzuri” like what?? It’s more of control where they want to control all my actions and it’s funny because the moment I show signs of possession of free will and my own brain it’s a trigger , I’m no longer the perfect girl who does everything they want me to do. Do not even get me started on those who compare their children as if when pancake number one goes bad you have to put pressure on the second child to be perfect because your project went wrong. It’s frustrating. I’m frustrated. Then there is this accumulation of anger towards them that turns into self hatred because as I said before there is the sacredness that comes with our parents so we end up directing the anger to ourselves becoming self loathe.( maybe it’s not you but if this feels like it’s tugging some strings it’s DEFINITELY for you). Am I overreacting? Maybe? In all honesty though , they are right about one thing. I have changed since they keep bringing it up, I don’t care anymore if they think I’m a good girl or not, I know they can make mistakes and yes that’s fine. Maybe I will feel bad if they don’t acknowledge how they make me feel.(not maybe I will feel bad). That being said, I don’t know what else to add, I wanted to vent and vent but the words I wanted to say have all vanished which is weird because normally I vent so much on here, so I’ll just write it when it comes again, the feeling of being suffocated by them, by reality.

I am in a matatu.Ok,that’s a weak start let me rephrase it.I am in a matatu next to a six -year -old named Tiffany. Before we get to that let me explain the series of events that led up to my lovely title and the reason for me writing this to begin with. It all started a week ago when they released the exam time table. I am a smart kid(I’m lying).In all honesty,I am or used to be.The timetable gave me a jump scare but I act non chalant even though I’m literally on the verge of jumping of a cliff.Remember, I am also deconstructing so that’s something else making me feel like I am about to go mad because what the hell(shoutout to all those who read and liked the article much love and you can find it on my substack or whatever ).

I get up and head to church, then I meet up with my friend on the way, he also needed to get to church or wherever he was going(he goes only because of his parents kinda the same reason I used to go in all honesty).He asked me a simple question before we started the journey, if God was female do you think we would acknowledge him and glorify how he sent his son to die for the cross for us, would we still be glad Jesus did what he did if he was a woman.That my lovely readers is how I ended up lost in thought the whole service juu sasa why? Can’t you let me just go to church in peace knowing I am an overthinker and that will bother me the whole week not even day??I got into the church heavy hearted, feeling like an impostor since everyone has figured themselves out then there is me, confused me, deconstructing me. The pastor is speaking and I feel such a great heaviness within me, I don’t even know what it is. It’s not the religion thing that I am sure.Then it came to me, it’s my exes birthday. Don’t go away just yet I’m not those girls who start venting about how men are evil and how I miss my ex or blablabla. Why I am mentioning this lovely fact is because I find it rather ironic that less than three months ago I was such a huge part of his life and now I’m more of a ghost of his past, he is a ghost of my past. Then I remember the series of unfortunate events that aligned with our breakup as if it wasn’t enough for me to lose one person already. Anyways, as I finished thinking or rather reminiscing about all that I look up and lock eyes with the pastor and he hits me with the “You need to let go” as if God (the same one I’m questioning and deconstructing) sent him a voice message telling him about my thoughts. As I said before(or maybe I haven’t) I have let go, it’s the concept that I’m trying to understand, the concept of letting go , of grieving. I hope he is happy. I am(sometimes).The truth of the matter is we are happier apart not together, that’s a fact.This fact is what gives me peace of mind. Don’t get me started on me liking someone I know I can never have as if the universe has not done me enough injustice it sends me someone so perfect, so made for me that I just can’t have . Anyway that’s not why I’m crashing out, it’s among the reasons yes but I’m crashing out at how I feel like a stranger in my own mind.I used to listen to sermons and feel happy or free. I feel empty.It’s as if I went to church to show off my nice makeup and nice outfit and smile to people and shout “Amen” vigorously. I know I am smart but for some reason my brain is shutting me out like I don’t understand what is going on yet it’s an organ within me, an organ inside me. “Sonder”- everyone or rather every passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as mine. Well maybe everyone (omitting the cute six year old sitting next to me with a name like mine and staring into my phone as I write this).I have to say after learning about this I realized there is someone going through ten times or even a hundred of what I am going through.Yes in my lovely rant it doesn’t seem like I’m going through it but I am or it feels that way to me.The best part of my day so far is Tiffany.She came sat next to me, said hi and asked me my name.Her dad was like see she has a pretty name like yours.I looked at her and smiled.She smiled back(she is very beautiful).I wonder if she too will wake up some day(probably in her late teens or early twenties like another Tiffany I know)and decide to break down everything in her life or crash out over a man who doesn’t even remember her second name or another who doesn’t know she likes him so much or feel like a stranger in her own life, I’m her own mind.

Sigh(imagine me sighing very heavily),it shall be well,I will be fine and so will you dear reader because I know your life is as beautiful and complex as mine is maybe even a bit more complex.(inserts pic to make sure you understand that I am not joking at all about crashing out ).

I consider the human mind fascinating, the concept of it holding beliefs and ideas on its own and interpreting them is just beautiful.I do believe,however,that at some point in our lives we will break down all of our beliefs from what we have been taught and know already to us figuring it out on our own.Think about it, so many of us just go with what we are taught from the start,by our parents and by society that we barely have an inkling of what it means from our own point of view(maybe you do have your own view and I’m the only one breaking it down on my own).Thus the need to deconstruct, to sit down and ask ourselves so many questions and start from afresh. As of now,there is no difference between a six-year-old and myself(other than the fact that I’ve gone through way too much mentally),we are both learning our beliefs just in different fonts.Well,let’s get into some of the stuff I’ve began to deconstruct and I need you,my dear reader,to be very open minded ok?

1.Shame and the concept of free will.

I often admire the people we term “ kienyeji” for doing things we are too scared to do.The ones who take random photos in the middle of town, while we pass them and sneer.The ones who post weird but funny videos on TikTok that seem so not aesthetic. Don’t get me wrong I’m not saying I’ll take random photos, but I admire the utmost use of their free will.Who cares what you think?I am happy doing what I’m doing regardless. It’s until recently that I realized we are living such a boring life(is boring really the right word to use?).Ok, fine we are living the same way,doing the same things and if anyone goes out of line, we shame them.It’s getting monotonous honestly.I am very chalant and it’s hard for me to pretend I don’t want to dance to a song being played over the speaker in a mall or sing-along to a song in a matatu because I will seem “weird”. Shame is such a construct and it’s one of the mind. I love when someone says “kila mtu afanye chenye anataka,” like yes please!It is your own free will, do not be ashamed of doing things you love simply because you are ashamed or because you fear what people will think. You have one life for heaven’s sake, live it!!!I know what some of you are thinking,so mass murderers and rapists are justified because they too have free will.I am in no position to judge their actions and I said use not abuse and if you want to abuse it,abuse it correctly. Also there is a difference between shame and guilt (I’m not going into that right now )Just know,I am definitely going to be using a lot of that free will I realized I’ve always had,I will sing and dance, I will look so unaesthetic but oh well at least I’m not pretending to have “aura” forsaking myself and happiness!

2.Religion

If you asked me at the age of seven who God is , I’d tell you an old ,white dude, with a huge, grey beard who strikes people down with lightning for not listening to him. That point of view changed when I was about thirteen, I guess I realized God is well a spirit (I can’t even explain it at all honesty).This has been the hardest deconstruction I’ve done because I’ve made my whole personality or a very large part of it to be about me being a Christian till I realized there some kinks in it.I find Christians to be the most hypocritical creatures to wonder the earth, silently judging those who aren’t like them, who don’t believe and those from other religions won’t go to the so-called “heaven “ simply because they believe in other versions of God.Don’t even get me started on the catholic versus Protestant thing that has been there for years,where both think they are superior to the other, simply by how they conduct themselves.Are we losing the concept of this all?Isn’t it meant to be about God the whole time?Sometimes I understand atheists,I could never be one, there too many things in my life that simply can’t be explained by fate, there was a divine intervention that I know.I believe in a supreme being, but the concept of the religion itself is baffling me. The same religion that tells us God is omnipotent and all that and we can’t describe them but we still give them the pronoun He.I asked my Sunday school teacher once why we couldn’t call God a “she” and she said that’s how it is.Ironic if you ask me, that is what the white man taught us. I’m starting to look for and understand God from my own perspective not from what my parents or stupid church and Sunday school taught me.(don’t get me started on church ,where the most evil people hide behind this so called Christianity).Some questions keep popping up, if someone has lived a genuinely good life and was a good person,but they did not believe, will they go to hell?The people who spend day and night praying and crying but nothing works out for them, you are trying to tell me it’s because their riches are stored “in a better place “ really now??I am still a Christian but maybe I need to break even that down to the basics, to see it from my own lens.Maybe I will have my own peace of mind and I can answer all the questions atheists throw at me instead of freezing.Maybe,I’ll feel less guilty for listening to music I like and not gospel songs 24/7 because we were taught these other songs are demonic and not good for the soul, even though they make me happy and give me some form of peace.

3.Sexuality and the sexual liberation

Gays and lesbians are bad.Fullstop.That’s what I had always been told and taught.Drilled in my mind.That was until I got to be friends with some of them and let me tell you they are some of the most open minded people I have ever interacted with.Not everyone is straight. Deal with it. It doesn’t make them less intelligent than straight people or less funny or LESS HUMAN. I used to be the first one to cast a stone and judge them, remember it’s wrong in the Bible so they are sinners(going back to the very hypocritical nature of Christians preaching on love yet …).I know if I was to come out and declare I was into women or something ,I would be cut off by so many people. As if it changes anything about me, I’m still the same person I was before you found out so what’s different now, that I’m gay or queer??Please, give us a break!!That is why I told you, dear reader , to be very open-minded because if you aren’t unfortunately this won’t really have an impact on you and you wouldn’t even relate to this.Anyway, I am deconstructing this concept and how I view it in general. Don’t even get me started on sex.I don’t wanna be married and it’s something I’m extremely sure about and serious about.Since sex is not “allowed till marriage” am I going to die that way? Is that my fate? Like seriously reader(the religious ones reading this),Am I at fault for honestly wanting my own form of liberation?If you are judging my view of this,I can tell we are thinking on two very complete wave lengths. Anyway, what I’m trying to say as I had said before,KILA MTU AFANYE VENYE ANATAKA!!!

4.Relationships

This!!!It basically includes all forms of relationships, romantic ones, platonic ones even with my family.Deconstructing my friendships has been tough in all honesty because I haven’t really had many friends and the ones I’ve had always let me down when I needed them the most.Most people think I’m very male- oriented, that’s valid , half of my closest friends are men, can you blame me though?The number of times I’ve been stabbed in the back by a knife which was bedazzled with pretty pink sparkles and glitter from some lovely girls, uncountable.I am viewing friendship from a whole new point of view where I value a lot of accountability in which when I do something wrong, I’m called out for it and I do the same.A lot of my current “friends” get pissed off when I call them out and that’s ok.I am part of a minority anyway. Relationships ,on the other hand, have been a whole roller coaster ride. There is a specific way I had viewed them, I’m glad I don’t anymore. As if they are some fairytale where love overcomes all. Newsflash, it doesn’t.It requires actual patience and effort from both parties, where we both acknowledge and accept each other’s faults. I was always ready to accept but I was never accepted. Yea we are done with that. Does this deconstruction involve my relationship with myself? Yes it does. I am so convinced no one can love me better than myself and that’s the best thing I’ve gotten from this deconstruction in all honesty. At the end of the day, I do everything for me and my own happiness, that’s all that matters!If my family, friends or even partner hinders my happiness, well that’s going to be an issue!

I am so sorry for yapping,I just like my truth to get out there. I have not even covered half of what I have gotten through but all in all with deconstructing there is reconstructing.Reconstructing has to be way harder because that will form a new view of what I believe in and what I will share with others in future. Anyway, I am beginning to realize I am part of a minority, it begs you to be open minded. I have my own moral stand point don’t get me wrong (yes I already deconstructed that), so don’t view me as some weird, go with the flow kind of person.Let me end it at that because if I write anymore than I have, I may offend way more people than I already have (not like I care anyway about what they think).

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I was six when I made my first friend,purely out of luck honestly. I met her at a shop and she said hi.I had sneaked out of the house.It was a small coup since my parents never allowed me to leave the house.I grew up really isolated and it’s something that’s still part of me,I try to shake it off sometimes,the anxiety or whatever but well what can I do?

I got my first phone when I was twelve ok my first legit phone( I don’t count those huge tablets we all got at some point to be a phone).It was taken away less than 24 hours when I got it,I made a phone call at night without their permission.I got it back when I was 15,came with terms and conditions,a million of them.They (my parents) would check it regularly,if I’d talk to boys,if I’d talk to unknown numbers, what kind of pictures was I taking?They stopped this when I was 18 violating a lot of my privacy.

I was 17 when they took me for anxiety classes claiming I had a condition,I was broken and needed to be fixed.It wasn’t normal for their daughter (who had been locked up all her life) being anxious and having panic attacks in front of her peers.Outrageous!Funny thing is,if I remember correctly they caused this.I am not blaming them for my life being chaotic but I’d say they contributed a very large percentage of who I am today (not in a good way).I looked for coping mechanisms.Read novels which I have to say made me such a nerd.Listened to music (this came with conflict as I was wearing my AirPods too much and seemed snobbish,rude and inconsiderate so I stopped).Thus the main question that comes to mind,is this being strict or control? Is it about controlling every aspect of my life or just protecting me?

I am basically in my twenties,why is my curfew seven p.m and why do I constantly receive calls to tell me to get home early while I know I’m not in the wrong?Why do they say I’m going astray for being thirty minutes late yet my peers are out partying?I rarely go out and when I do it’s a whole issue,mind you it’s to meet a friend.I couldn’t even use my phone at night till barely three months ago where I have to use the “it’s for school excuse”.The tightness around my chest getting stronger or how do I phrase it,like someone is holding onto rope and pulling so hard while I gasp for air.

How long will this go on?How long will I forsake self for them?I love my parents to death and I’d do anything for them but for someone who has rarely done anything for herself,it’s getting hard to keep this facade of being a perfect and happy daughter knowing damn well I’m an imposter.

Tomorrow I’ll take a walk,alone.I’m not allowed to leave the house without them knowing where I am,or without my mom taking the walk with me but I will take that walk.Maybe it’s one step to freedom,maybe it’s easing out of their grasp till finally I can feel the tightness around my chest ease up.I can feel free.

So it got me thinking(something I’m very good at depending on the situation),what is this dating or rather relationship that people crave such that those who aren’t in one seem unlucky. Then the bitterness that comes with being single or rather the vendetta carried by some of us against those in relationships.A good example is the all roads lead to Rome ideology and how it is greatly spread or promoted by those who are single offending those who aren’t greatly.Some of us do it unknowingly as a joke but what lies behind the joke?Is it pain for the lack of success in that area on our end?Well for me I would like to say it’s the illusion that is portrayed greatly, where love is a fairy tale or rather being in love with the idea of dating rather than the person themselves (been there done that).So we end up dating then it doesn’t work out coz of the million of movies and novels we have read about relationships being sunshine and rainbows and we expect the same not knowing this a human being with flaws, with imperfections.Thus the resentment towards our partners and ultimately the concept of dating at large.Thus back to my title, what are the facts and what is the fantasy painted it to be? Why are the people who are in relationships deemed to be more lucky than us? In my opinion,I’d rather stay on my own or rather deconstruct the concept of dating to be in love with the person rather the idea of them and the relationship in general.Maybe just maybe by then,I will see the need to think they are luckier or happier because I am still happy and I consider myself lucky.

I guess we all need to sit down or maybe not all but the majority of us need to sit down and actually ask ourselves if we are ready to give our time and energy to someone before getting into something with a different concept of it in mind and then coming to claim that men or women are evil. Are people really evil or is it their actions?(I won’t dive into that as of now)However,I will leave this as my parting shot, none of us are unlucky we are both blessed in our own ways, the single with a chance to love themselves more and the cuffed with a chance to be loved depending on your partner (crazy world we live in).Oh well who knows maybe no one will read this either way, my views are mine however it’s jus but food for thought.