When I was a kid I used to close my door, put my headphones on and just lay there for hours imagining things. Different people, different places, different versions of myself. Sometimes I would imagine conversations that never happened or situations that I wished would happen. I could literally spend hours doing nothing but living in my head listening to justin bieber and katy perry and taylor swift imagining myself somehow a famous girl like them.

And honestly I don’t think I ever really stopped doing it moving in circles in my room doing a whole shyt of nothing.

But as I got older I started asking myself if daydreaming is really as harmless as we think it is.

Because sometimes I don’t think I’m daydreaming anymore. I think I’m escaping.

It’s so easy to create a better life in your head. You can be whoever you want, have the friends you want, be loved the way you want, live in the places you want. Nothing can disappoint you because you control everything.

And maybe that’s exactly why it’s so addictive.

You get to experience things without actually having to do anything.

I started noticing that sometimes I would imagine the life I wanted instead of actually trying to build it. I would imagine myself becoming the person I wanted to be, travelling, creating things, being confident, having the life I always imagined for myself.

But I wasn’t doing much to actually get there.

I was just imagining it.

And that’s when I realized something that honestly scared me a little.

The life I was dreaming about wasn’t impossible.

I had the ability to create it.

I just wasn’t doing it.

I was spending so much time imagining a different version of my life that I wasn’t paying enough attention to the one I was actually living.

And I think that’s the part nobody really talks about when they talk about daydreaming.

Sometimes your imagination can show you what you want. It can show you the person you want to become, the things you want to experience, the kind of life you want to have.

But if you keep going back there instead of doing something about it, then what’s the point?

Maybe the version of me I keep imagining isn’t just a fantasy. Maybe she’s just a version of me that I haven’t become yet.

And maybe instead of spending hours imagining her life, I should start making choices that bring me closer to it.

I’m not saying we should stop daydreaming. I don’t think that’s even possible, and honestly I don’t want to.

I still like getting lost in my head sometimes. I still like creating little worlds and stories and situations that will probably never happen.

I just don’t want my imaginary life to become better than my real one.

Because the day that goes by is not coming back.

And maybe that’s why I’ve started thinking about it as daystealing.

Not because dreaming is bad, but because sometimes while we’re busy imagining another life, we’re quietly stealing the time we could have spent creating it.

And I don’t want to wake up one day and realize that I spent my whole life imagining the life I could have lived.

Modern people are obsessed with desire more than love because desire is easier than being deeply understood easier than falling in love because Love requires honesty, patience, exposure, and most people are terrified of exposure

It is easier to be admired from a distance than understood closely so Social media transformed human beings into performances

Every photo, every caption, every story is built around one silent question

“Am I desirable enough to be remembered?” you see people editing themselves constantly until their real personality becomes almost unrecognizable even to themselves :

Beauty became currency

Attention became proof of existence and addiction because some people genuinely cannot feel valuable unless somebody is watching them, wanting them, reacting to them they're life isn’t theirs anymore

The internet created a generation that experiences itself through strangers’ eyes first they decide to colour their hair because of an opinion which The person holding that opinion is himself devoid of self they are pretty because a comment said so ugly or cringe because of a comment they may travel to a certain place for their audience and followers they keep taking pictures until the trip is work instead of a brake because this generation is addicted to perception

People no longer ask “Who am I?”

They ask “How am I seen?”

And that changes everything

Because once perception becomes more important than reality, authenticity starts dying slowly People stop living naturally and begin curating themselves permanently

Even sadness became aesthetic now Even death even Labour even a breakup

Even loneliness is staged beautifully

Smudged eyeliner, cigarette smoke, sad playlists, poetic captions under crying selfies all fake …. And Pain is no longer hidden which is okay to share your sadness sometimes! But it's not okay to use it

It is displayed carefully like art

Modern relationships suffer from this too so

People want intimacy until intimacy becomes real

Real connection means someone eventually sees the insecurity beneath the beauty, the ego beneath the confidence, the loneliness beneath the seduction✨️ it's the beauty of understanding and being understood the beauty of standing naked without your stupid ass filters when even your words are naked your brain and your heart when you no longer lie about being strong and fucking independent even if you are but the beauty of putting your head on someone's shoulder and be who you really are seen as who you are a normal human being for humanity's sake

And !

That terrifies people

So they choose safer alternatives

Flirting without commitment which is called situationships

Obsession without vulnerability

Late night conversations that disappear in the morning or after few hours so even if you see each other in the street you act blind or one of you starts to make a stupid eye contact but the emotions are fake the attention is weak and you both talk just because you are both weak it's the

Relationships that look intense but remain emotionally shallow and it hurts so bad because there is no self-respect in this type of relationships

People collect each other like temporary distractions or like trash (sorry for the example)

But how many times you talked to someone then the next morning felt like collecting the trash of your school or city and oh my fucking life if you shared a sexual conversation late at night let's not dig into that hahahah so

A message

A voice note

A photograph ( if you got one )

A memory for lonely nights

Nothing stable nothing durable

Nothing deep enough to destroy the ego

And beneath all this noise exists a darker truth nobody admits openly

People became addicted to being watched

Not physically not Psychologically not spiritually

But

Seen online

Desired online

Mentioned online

Validated online

Silence now feels unbearable because many people built their self-worth entirely around attention

That is why someone can receive hundreds of likes and still feel emotionally invisible but I believe that 15 likes are enough I'd be happy if 15 people told me bonjour on my way home so why pretending online? But I'm also weak when it comes to numbers why she have 555k likes when I have only 3 😂

Then I realized that seeing people as mere numbers is the curse of our time and that Attention without intimacy is emotional junk food spiritually psychologically we are unhealthy

Temporary satisfaction followed by deeper emptiness and Maybe that is why modern people seem exhausted all the time

Maintaining an image is exhausting

Pretending not to care is exhausting just like me when i open substack on 2 notifications or when I post on Instagram a beautiful post and starte to expect admiration….. expecting hurts yeah

Trying to remain desirable in a culture that replaces people instantly is exhausting so exhausting like imagine that instead of living our lives we are suffering because of our socials ?!!!

And still people continue scrolling at three in the morning through beautiful strangers hoping to feel less lonely while feeding the very thing making them lonely in the first place .

go out go out go out use your phone Wisley creat more than consuming be present in the moment laugh be cringe be the cringiest person on earth go out and keep it private or you know what post it it's better then not going out and hoping to post something hahhaha and dance i want you to dance learn or don't just dance i dance in high heels in my room, it's all femininity just live and remember “ tutto passa “

Therefore live before your life passes.

Look at my cringe photo that i was so me taking it hahhaha

Subbe me if you enjoyed reading 💗✨️

We Scroll So We Don’t Feel

Perhaps the most frightening thing about modern life is not that we are constantly watched, but that we no longer know who we are when the screen goes dark.

There was a time when boredom was ordinary. People sat by windows, stared at ceilings, walked without headphones, and waited in silence. In that silence, they met themselves. Now silence feels almost unbearable. The average person wakes up and reaches for a phone before speaking to another human being, before thinking clearly, before fully returning to consciousness. We enter the world through notifications now. Through algorithms. Through the opinions of strangers. The mind no longer awakens naturally; it is interrupted.

Now Modern life is built on distraction. Every application competes for human attention with ruthless precision. A vibration, a flashing light, another video, another face, another scandal, another body to desire, another life to envy. Attention became the most valuable currency on earth, and people hand it away freely every day. What makes this dangerous is not only the presence of distraction, but the fact that many people no longer wish to escape it. Distraction protects them from confrontation with themselves.

A quiet room forces difficult questions to surface. Questions about loneliness, regret, identity, failure, desire, and meaning. Many people scroll endlessly not because they are entertained, but because they are afraid of what silence might reveal. Social media intensified this fear by creating a culture obsessed with being perceived. Life is no longer simply experienced; it is performed. A sunset becomes content before it becomes memory. Relationships become photographs before they become intimacy. Even sadness is carefully aestheticized and displayed publicly.

Somewhere along the way, identity itself became a form of branding. People construct themselves from trends, aesthetics, fragments of music, political opinions, internet language, and carefully selected images. The result is strange: everyone is trying desperately to appear unique while slowly becoming identical to one another. Even vulnerability now follows trends. Even rebellion became marketable.

Beneath all this noise lies a quieter tragedy. Many people no longer know what they truly feel unless the internet reflects it back to them first. Algorithms understand this weakness perfectly. They know what keeps people watching, what makes them insecure, angry, lonely, or emotionally dependent. Every hesitation becomes data. Every desire becomes measurable. Technology no longer simply serves humanity; it studies it.

This may explain why people can spend entire days consuming endless content and still feel emotionally empty afterward. Consumption imitates fulfillment without ever truly providing it. A screen can simulate intimacy while leaving a person completely alone. That is why so many people today suffer from a strange form of exhaustion that sleep cannot repair. Not physical exhaustion, but psychological and spiritual exhaustion caused by endless stimulation and endless comparison.

People often claim they want peace, yet peace requires separation from the chaos they are addicted to. To sit quietly today, to think deeply, to read slowly, to experience something beautiful without immediately proving it happened online—these have become almost rebellious acts. Modern culture rewards reaction more than reflection. Everything must happen instantly: opinions, outrage, desire, entertainment. Human understanding, however, was never meant to move at the speed of algorithms.

The cruel irony of this era is that humanity has never been more connected while people have never felt more emotionally isolated. People encounter hundreds of faces every day through screens and still go to sleep feeling unseen. Perhaps the true crisis of modern life is not simply shortened attention spans, but the loss of intimacy with ourselves. A person who cannot sit alone with their own thoughts without reaching for distraction is no longer fully free.

Maybe that is where modern society stands now: overstimulated into numbness, entertained into passivity, connected into loneliness, still scrolling endlessly in search of something capable of filling the silence it spends so much energy trying to escape.

Thanks for reading I hope you enjoyed I'd like to hear your thoughts….

https://open.substack.com/pub/mirelle7777?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android&r=7o7vjm 💗🫶

so our parents meet they fuck we born [unfortunetlly] we laught a little we cry so often we write we love then we luckily die ,and between the temporary happiness and the temporary sadness there is life . some of us they dont even exist they suffer they die without reaching anything and sometimes we also die while living but we all have some time to experience in this life .

first you need to accept the fact that there is no life without problems you’ll always have at least one issue to handle during a week many in one year , so at the end of a certain year you post im proud of myself for this and that

before i used to compaire my own problems which they are why i used to think im misreable with other people happy days as if they are not handeling they’re own battle in private, same with me someone out there are scrolling in my profile or watching me always laughing in stories and think she got no pain to handle while im about to commit self suicide in private . accepting that we all suffer doens’t decrease your own suffering but it makes you less intrested with comparing and more intrested with solving yours

some people are obssessd with other people not because they like them but because this is how they escape themeselves and they’re own lives , this how they refuse the responability of carring they’re pain and they’re own dreams so they simply turture themeselves by watching someone else accually living and achiving his or her goals .

in the book the subble art of not giving a fuck mark mansone said that first you will always have a problem so your job is to work so hard so your future problems become better than the current ones for example now you are poor in 5 years your problem must be being confused which brand you should buy from your clothes louis viton or versace and i consider making my problems better my purpuse is life , he also said that any thing you wish will bring you a certain problem for example you wish to be a great writer on substack and to have a greate audience and many active readers ,now your problem is not having followers and your job is to keep creating good articles , you got the followers the wish became true the new problem is to keep on creating and making something new for them before u used to not write for weeks now you can’t because your audience needs you now you are responsible . another example you married the love of your life now your responsibility is to keep this marriage alive….

so baby girl ask yourself what’s my problem what is the wish i made that bringed me this issue what is the lesson what is my responsability how can i enjoy solving it .

every problem is a test a lesson that will upgrade you to the best version of you and every problem you ignore wil keep you locked in that stage . don’t stay there wondering why me why is this happening to me why im i alone or why life is treating me like this honeeeyyy you are the universe favorite child romanticinze the pain hold it in your bones then trun it into something beautiful make something out of it ,

sometimes in life or often bad things happen to us for example your best friend is gossiping about you and you dont always agree and she is maybe jalouse of you so you had a fight with her and now you are alone in a coffeshop leraning how to accept being with yourself and learning more about you and somehow a few days later you meet another girl who shares a lot of your intresres and you both become to close or the crush you wish you can talk to is dating someone else and accedentlly you hear from a friend that he’s so greedy and so the universe protected you from him , other times you question yourself why cant i vibe with someone while your energy is to pure to align with theirs . girl accept somethings in life based on trusting your heart if you beleive that you deserve what you wish for then you do be responsible on your journey and cherish the life you have because at the end of the day it’s just you and your daily thoughts and silly life and no-one else is there to carry it with you be so busy so rooted in your self that no-one’ presence or absence can disturbe your peace . belive that everything is working for you . buy youself a journal and write about youself you’ll se how inresting persone you are write about your fears your goals the tinny things you are gratful for because time is wallking through us darling and we must slow it down around us by writing to experience life twice .

you’ll be fine like you always did and you will realise in the future that everything is happenning to you now is happenning for you , not because you are a bad persone or because god is punishing you but because you’ll be greate one day and you must solve this now , refusing pain or love or whatever life gives us is refusing to live so feel everything and enjoy everything .

What if most people are just performing a version of themselves they’ve accepted?

There is a quiet arrogance in the way people say, “I know myself.”

As if the self were something fixed. Something already discovered. Something owned.

But what if that confidence is not awareness…

What if it’s just a well-rehearsed story?

Self-awareness is often treated like an achievement—a final destination where confusion ends and clarity begins. In reality, it is far more unstable than that. What most people call “knowing themselves” is simply familiarity with their patterns, their preferences, their reactions. But familiarity is not understanding. It is repetition.

You say you’re “anxious,” “independent,” “guarded,” “romantic.”

These labels feel like truth.

But they are often just conclusions you’ve stopped questioning.

And the moment you stop questioning them, they become a cage.

The Self as a Performance

From a young age, we begin constructing versions of ourselves. Not consciously at first. It happens in response to expectations, to rewards, to rejection.

You learn what gets you attention.

What gets you love.

What protects you from pain.

Slowly, you refine a character.

The “strong one.”

The “quiet one.”

The “smart one.”

The “unbothered one.”

And over time, the performance becomes so consistent that you forget it was ever a performance.

You don’t act confident—you are confident.

You don’t hide your emotions—you’re just “not emotional.”

But if that were true, why does it feel exhausting to maintain?

Memory Is Not Truth

A large part of what you believe about yourself comes from memory.

But memory is not a recording—it’s an interpretation.

You remember yourself as the person who was hurt.

Or the one who survived.

Or the one who failed.

Or the one who “always does this.”

But these are narratives, not facts.

The mind edits, simplifies, and reshapes the past to create coherence. It builds a version of you that makes sense, not necessarily one that is accurate.

And once that version is formed, you start living according to it.

You don’t ask, “Who am I right now?”

You ask, “Am I being consistent with who I think I am?”

That’s not self-awareness.

That’s self-maintenance.

The Comfort of Misunderstanding Yourself

Here’s the uncomfortable truth:

Most people don’t actually want to fully understand themselves.

Because real self-awareness is disruptive.

It forces you to question your motives, not just your actions.

It reveals contradictions you’d rather ignore.

It dismantles the identity you’ve spent years stabilizing.

It’s much easier to say,

“This is just how I am.”

That sentence is not clarity.

It’s resistance.

Because if you admit that you might not know yourself as well as you think, then everything becomes uncertain. Your choices, your desires, even your personality—they all become fluid.

And fluidity is terrifying.

You Are Context, Not a Constant

One of the biggest flaws in how we understand ourselves is the assumption of consistency.

You think you are one person.

But you are not.

You are different when you are alone.

Different when you are loved.

Different when you feel threatened.

Different when you are free.

Your “self” shifts depending on context, environment, and emotional state.

So which version is the real one?

All of them.

And none of them.

The self is not a fixed identity. It is a dynamic system. A collection of reactions, tendencies, and possibilities.

But the human mind craves stability. So it compresses this complexity into a sing

Awareness Is Not a Conclusion—It’s a Process

Real self-awareness does not sound like certainty.

It sounds like questioning.

It looks like noticing your reactions as they happen, not explaining them afterward.

It means being willing to admit:

“I don’t fully understand why I did that.”

It requires distance from your own thoughts—seeing them, but not immediately believing them.

Most importantly, it demands flexibility.

Because the moment you define yourself too tightly, you stop observing. You start defending.

And awareness cannot exist where there is something to protect.

The Risk of Seeing Yourself Clearly

If you strip away the labels, the stories, the performances—what remains?

Not a clear identity.

Not a perfect understanding.

But something more honest:

Uncertainty.

Contradiction.

Potential.

Change.

Seeing yourself clearly is not comforting. It doesn’t give you a stable ground to stand on. It removes it.

But in that instability, there is freedom.

Because if you are not fixed—

then you are not limited to the person you’ve been pretending to be.

Conclusion

The illusion of self-awareness is not that people know nothing about themselves.

It’s that they believe what they know is complete.

But the self is not something you finish understanding.

It is something you continuously uncover, question, and reconstruct.

And maybe the most honest thing you can say is not,

“I know myself.”

But:

“I am still learning who I am—

and I’m not sure I’vele narrative.

“I am this kind of person.”

Clean. Simple. Wrong.

I want you to know something before reading this poem : this poem is toxic and I know I've written this knowing that it's toxic it's streaming from my darkest part of myself from My avoidant personality, which deprived me of so much due to its excessive fear, hesitation, doubts, and most importantly, its fear of losing control, nevertheless, I believe it protected me from a great deal of disappointment that I might otherwise have experienced

I don’t want to hesitate in front of your eyes,

nor to hesitate when I listen to you,

nor when I translate your words to myself.

I don’t want the feeling of doubt to block my love for you,

or your love for me.

I don’t want you to make me feel stupid,

or to imagine that you do.

I don’t want to be your victim,

nor to be the one who harms herself because of you.

I don’t want to hesitate in front of you

when talking about myself or about you.

I don’t want to be afraid—neither of you nor for myself.

I don’t want to be cautious around you.

I don’t want to calculate things with you.

I don’t want to think a thousand times before talking freely with you.

I am in a conflict…

between the desire to be weak in front of you,

to let you see my fear, my weakness, my love, my obsession, my illusion, my pain…

and the urge to stay guarded,

ready for betrayal at any moment.

I’m afraid to love you.

I’m afraid of attachment.

I fear intimacy.

I run from you—your presence, your gaze, your attention.

I run while my eyes are still looking back at you.

I run… but I want you.

I run because I want you.

I want you to want me as much as I want you.

But still… chase me.

Don’t give up on me.

Prove to me that you don’t just want me—you love me.

Fight my illusions and my issues.

Fight my fear and my hesitation.

Kill every space for doubt in my mind.

Convince my heart that it belongs to you.

Then don’t hurt me if I love you.

Don’t betray me if I surrender.

Don’t prove that I was right to be afraid.

And if I doubt…

then I was right.

Mirelle

This type of emotions isn't healthy at all , it's so painful so toxic so unfair, I once heard someone saying (how is the mad one that runs from someone who loves them !) I felt something as if this words were meant for me but no i don't run from love I Run away from anything that disguises itself as love; it is neither love nor hate, nor even desire or lust, because this disguise is very weak.

And by the way as an avoidant who craves intimacy i don't run away from love, but I avoid anything that doesn't seem like love to me Because when love truly loves, it's so obvious that you can't avoid it. And listen to me, I believe love is expressed through actions, but it's not love unless your feelings and your Your intuition and your body tell you it is. It's not love unless you feel safe, that feeling of comfort without needing to be overly protective.

And if you are a woman, whether you're avoident or a lover girl you are uniquely endowed with a heightened sensitivity, so always listen to your feelings to your damn intuition that gut feeling they protect you belive me your intuition never lies

Thanks for reading i appreciate it so much 🤍

🌟The movie star

How can I really romanticise my life?

By really and truly, I mean to fall in love with my life for me, between me and myself.

Not for anyone.

I won’t take pictures to post.

I won’t go anywhere just to call someone.

I won’t share my precious time with everyone.

I won’t give them my thoughts or reassurance.

I won’t be the therapist for anyone.

Falling in love with my life is about the small things I have or I do.

My small details.

My boring, silly life.

My routine that was never stable.

My turmoil.

The moments where I fall.

The way I try to lift myself up.

My attempts to make a change, even a small one.

My depression when I remember my big dreams, my youth, all the countries, places, people, and things I want to visit, meet, and learn.

My life isn’t boring.

It’s just normal… a bit different.

Because I’m a big thinker, a dreamer, and my imagination is wide.

I can fall in love with my poetry, my words, my feelings, my heart, my soul when it decides to speak on paper.

I can fall in love with my taste in clothes, decoration, lifestyle.

Or I can fall in love with my books, my coffee, my body, my brain, my dreams, my goals… myself.

My character, who has been strange to me for a while.

The nights where I decide to change my whole life.

My life is a mess.

A beautiful, painful chaos.

🌟 Step one: Be aware of your limited time and presence

By realising the importance of your time,

you understand that you can’t share it with everybody.

You can’t always be available.

This time is limited.

It goes by. It doesn’t stop. It doesn’t come back.

You can’t waste it on screens, scrolling, sleeping too much, staying in your room, or being surrounded by people who don’t help you grow.

When you realise the value of your time,

you understand your presence.

Your existence.

You are a soul, a body, and a brain.

Your soul needs connection with the universe, nature, animals, sand, trees…

Just silence, meditation.

You need time alone.

Romanticise your alone time.

No distractions. No phone. No humans. Just you.

Your brain needs training.

Read a lot. Every day or at least twice a week.

Play chess.

Be around smart people.

Talk, discuss, learn, explore.

Your body is about self-respect.

Stay clean. Smell good.

Train your muscles.

Practice yoga every morning.

Learn your body. Be connected to it.

🌟 Step 2: Your routine

Everyone should build a routine that aligns with their lifestyle and goals.

It can feel boring,

but what matters is falling in love with it.

Wake up early.

Your day should start when everything is quiet.

Do yoga.

Make a delicious coffee.

Drink it slowly.

Enjoy its warmth.

Listen to the birds.

Journal your thoughts.

Negative or positive, it doesn’t matter.

When you talk to yourself,

you’re talking to a queen.

A girl who deserves love and care.

A girl who accepts no disrespect.

A girl who has been through a lot.

You’re talking to your baby, your inner child.

Be responsible for your words.

Always dress in something you love.

Something that makes you feel confident and pretty.

It doesn’t matter if it’s not trendy. You like it—that’s enough.

On your way to school, smile.

Be happy. Be grateful.

You’re learning. You’re walking. You’re alive.

🌟 Step 3: Your relationships

Never ever sit somewhere you don’t like the people there.

Never accept being surrounded by people who: don’t match your vibe,

don’t benefit you,

don’t stimulate your mind,

don’t match your energy.

Believe your body.

When your intuition tells you to be quiet—be quiet.

When your gut tells you to leave—leave.

Don’t force yourself on people because you’re afraid of being alone.

Loneliness is not something to fear.

It’s private, quality time with the girl you love the most.

Stay alone until you find people who: match your vibe,

help you grow,

make you feel safe,

understand you without explanations.

People you can talk to, learn from, and enjoy your limited time with.

The main character never disrespects herself.

🌟 Step 4: Feed your interests

If you like old French cinema, watch a movie every Saturday.

Enjoy it.

If you like old vibes, search for them

If you like decorating, learn about it.

If you like poems, read them.

If you like books, read at least a page every day on your way, in bed, anywhere.

If you like coffee, don’t let it get cold because you’re not present.

If you like going out, don’t stay inside for days.

Your style? Explore it. Discover yourself.

🌟 Step 5: Journal your life

You won’t remember your days.

You won’t remember what you did last Monday, what you wore, how you felt, what you said.

So write it.

Journal your feelings, your style, your time, your places, the people you allowed in your life.

Write what you did in detail, like a movie scene.

Do it with love.

With inspiration.

Fall in love again…

and again…

and again.

Like a child obsessed with herself.

Don’t be afraid to try, to ask, to be.

Be free… to be free.

🌟 Step 6: Discipline

Tomorrow I’ll wake up at 6 → do it.

I’ll read a page → do it.

I’ll study for 2 hours → do it.

I’ll stop talking to this person → stop.

I’ll eat healthy → do it.

I’ll go back to the gym → do it.

Discipline.

Do it with love.

Fall in love again…

and again…

and again.

Like a child obsessed with her own existence

From my diary to your hands 🤍

Do it with love.

Fall in love again…

and again…

and again.

Like a child obsessed with her own existence

After reading this i hope you realise how important your silly little joyful life is YOuR life it's yours use it wisely enjoy if feel it to the bones the pain the love the grief the passion everything… love and love keep on trying to change to learn to love again because that's life enjoy it .

So if you enjoyed reading this you may enjoy the party by subscribing MOi 🤭

It's me

Only me in my dark room

Its dark its cold

Im here in my personal cage

My fear my hate my envy and my rage

My trauma my pain my guilt

Alone no one's gonna save me

No-one will notice my cage

Its dark its a mystery

Illusions

Locked doors

Past, future

Nothing in between

The key is me

But the key doesn't know that im the key

Sitting here alone naked

Naked but still not honest

My pain inside my bones

My rage

My desires

My heart oh my dear heart can u love ?

What's on the other part of my dark room.

Mirelle.

Yes ! I want something so real so deep so hard to easily get, something that push my brain to pressure, to think at the point where I cary my head between my hands and I think and I think think, think, and question and I find my self in a position where I have to figure it out . I want to have deep discussions not about neighbours,these days fashion, tiktok , boys ….

No i want the conversations to be more human than that about psychology philosophy Art creation atheism religious books history….

I need to feel smart and stupid at the same time you know it's so sexy to meet someone with more knowledge than you and when u add something to theirs too ! I like that eye contact i make when I'm told something new something I didn't think of it's love for me

Knowledge always had a pornographique influence on me !

What's my type then ?

When someone asks me this i laugh! How I'm i going to explain?: no it's not about their appearance or their looks not their wealth or their family backgrounds no no im much smarter than that much better than that deeper than this

Yes I love beautiful people and rich people money means comfort beauty means I can take many good pictures to them but it won't last forever right? Do you really choose someone just because they are beautiful or because they are rich Or because they belong to a distinguished family !?

My type is someone who have the capacity to fuck my brain roughly! How?

When their intelligence level is equal to or higher than mine, we enter into a fierce and violent debate, each of us with strong arguments and the sexual thrill of winning the debate.

My type is Someone i can share with him my knowledge without the feeling that says “you're talking to the wall “ , my type is someone who share with me the same hunger for knowledge and mysterious topics , someone i can feel their energy when they move and speak i need someone who's so confident in their words so they don't feel embarrassed to share their ART with me someone who I can be their muse when they write , sing , or draw …

I need to be around a person who lifts me up when I have nothing to write and I'll be doing the same : if my friend or my partner is a writer and they lose passion I'll take them on a trip to somewhere they like so they get inspired…

Being the smartest in the room is exhausting

Honestly I easily loose passion and interest if I'm the smartest iImagine being the smartest in the room? You have it all you speak but no-one is getting you you talk about your interests but no-one is sharing you , you speak about a certain topic but no-one is criticising you or bringing another agreement!

No damn fucking fight ! Our brains aren't fucking!

I say this they say yes! you are right waw that's smart or good girl you bring something new to the table!? So they're not telling me NO i don't share the same opinion as you here's mine

They won't tell me you're right but !

So The room will turn into a boring grave because look dear reader, being the smartest in the room is so boring yes your ego is happy but they will use you easily all the knowledge you collected you'll give it to their brains in a second and you won't take anything back you give but you don't receive , and that's exhausting to my soul so exhausting .

I hate the silence after I say something so deep and interesting and I expect a certain answer or actions but they are to naive to understand the depth of it , I feel disappointed and sad sometimes regret i be like “ girl why would you share this with them when our gut feeling said shut up “

I always dreamed……and im stillI always dreamed……and im still dreaming

Since I began to become aware of myself I carved a group of friends, just a few humans loving and emotionally intelligent, few people who love me for the way i think and exist people who share with me the same obsession of having more and more ( more knowledge more creation more travelling more discovering more love more books ….) more of anything that benefits us i want a group just like Isabelle Matthew Théo in the dreamers A group of friends with whom I can break the record set by the Dreamers heroes at the Paris Museum

A group of people I sit with in a Parisian café at a round table, surrounded by our notebooks, pens, coffee, cigarettes, and numerous conversations. Our voices rise as we object to an idea, then we become absorbed in it. Then you see hands in the air; one of them is talking with his hands, so engrossed in his topic and idea that he is completely absorbed in it. We laugh out loud we share ART one of us is reciting his latest poem to us We are interested and impressed

That's what I want and that's what I'll get im a deep soul so Superficiality will kill me, and mundane conversations will torture me .

Your soul needs art but art cannot be always private: some of my poems I rather die than sharing them but if I don't share other creations of mine I could truly die

Im a women who's born to create and to chase depth in ART that's why i write.

Thanks for reaching this point of reading you're special 💗

I cannot wait for your feedback dear reader

To me to my past selves to my little inner child to the women im becoming:

Maybe I love the bleu sky the warm sun that makes me feel safe soft

The soft breeze and the way it plays with my hair and the view of this green trees it makes me feel alive and fall in love again with being alive.

The book im reading now has a gentle impact on my feelings now gentle reminder is gift from my future self to me

Thank you maryam for everything u did for me thanks for everything u did for me thanks for all the darkest nights where u were there for me thanks for all the times u stand up for me protected loved cared cried for me i love u ik you've been through a lot a lot alone no-one has ever tried to understand u even me

forgive me cause im forgiving u you were lost alone in danger u did not know a thing of what I k now I forgive u my child i support u my baby ill hold u forever my home ill care about u always my friend and ill put u first always

I love you

before I deep into this i should say while writing this im full of hesitation but im doing it anyway because that's how a great person describes their pain right ? Someone with ADHD is questioning themselves right now i hope this article reaches you.

Before I discovered I had ADHD

I was subjected to violence and contempt throughout my childhood because I was very active in class, which the teachers disliked, and my grades were poor; I was always last. My mother received complaints every day, and no one tried to understand what was wrong with me. I desperately sought attention because I had no friends. I would help girls, even though I knew they didn't like me, and I was only six. If one of them broke her pen, I would give her mine, and so on. I was very active as a child, and I don't want to go into more detail about what I went through.

In my teenage years, specifically after puberty, I didn't understand anything. I believed I was stupid, and I was still trying to please everyone to the point that I don't even remember who I was back then. I was always the third wheel. I remember the first teacher who tried to understand me. He was new to the class. Everyone told him I was the worst there, but he approached me and started correcting the exercises. When he got to me, he found I hadn't done them, but he gave me five stars in front of everyone. He moved me to the front desk and focused his attention on me, and from there, my journey of transformation in that subject began.To this day I appreciate and love him. He was the first to care for me after I transferred from that school. My journey of homelessness as a teenager began, and I won't remember anything from it because I don't think it has anything to do with my illness.

Although I'm unable to make friends, whenever I become attached to people, we move to another city. Now, five years have passed. During these years, I lost myself; my mental health deteriorated, and I lived through the worst days of my life. At 15, we moved to a new city, and I couldn't adapt. I fell in love with a boy, but he rejected me and made the whole city hate me with his lies. I felt like a stranger and an outsider. I almost had to repeat a school year. Then, the first major change in my life happened.

I was chosen to the ARTS department, started reading books, and returned to blogging

2024In my first year as a literature student, I studied normally, and the French teacher's interest motivated me to participate in class and go to the board, and I got a good grade that restored my self-confidence but everyone expected more of me i was the girl who reads books and have knowledge about many topics all of my classmates know nothing about so they thought I'll be the first but no and then I started questioning if im capable then why not ?

I was brilliant in class lazy at home i barley open a book i study a night before the exam im always absent and my studies are really hard like everyone in my country knows how tough it is yet I used to not study i just I focus a little on the section before my concentration drifts to thinking about a uniform I lost months ago, or wondering how the professor had his children

My discovery of the condition

That is me ! On 2025 before my 18th birthday i was scrolling on YouTube and i found a vedio about ADHD and I was curious so I watched it, and I cried the whole time. I wanted to hug that child. I wasn't naughty, I wasn't stupid, I didn't deserve all that cruelty, I didn't deserve to be hit. I'm smart, I just need a little special treatment i was crying as if it's the first time in cry then I remembered everything people say I talk to much my mom used to shut me up as kid I remembered when I tried to draw and easily got bored I easily lose patience even when I try to focus i simply can't . I Then I wiped away my tears, took a piece of paper, and began to read about my condition There were still 4 months until the start of the most important year of my academic life: Bachelor of Arts so I had to save me !

I am today

Nothing changed im still the same lazy but ambitious smart but undisciplined this year my teachers we're chocked like every year the girl with the great talent and the powerful conversations that critical mind had 12,78 /20 A score out of twenty in the first trimester the first in class had 15 ofcourse they gossiped about honestly i didn't care !

But i was in pain because I can but im not ADHD is not a sickness or a flaw it's a skill look at me I can draw a bit dance a bit study a bid write poems a bit film a vedio about bit play chess a bit decorate a bit …. But imagine if I was disciplined if I give 1h to each skill everyday! Knowing you're smart and capable of a lot but stuck in your place is a real pain.

Not because you don’t have opportunities… but because you are the one wasting them.

It’s waking up every day with a mind full of ideas, dreams, plans…

and going to sleep with nothing done.

It’s people believing in you more than you believe in yourself.

It’s hearing “you have so much potential” until it becomes a burden instead of a compliment.

I don’t lack intelligence.

I don’t lack ambition.

I lack consistency.

And maybe that’s the hardest part to accept.

Sometimes I imagine another version of me…

a disciplined version…

someone who wakes up early, studies every day, practices her skills, builds her life step by step.

And I ask myself:

“What’s the difference between me and her?”

Not intelligence.

Not talent.

Just control.

Control over her mind.

ADHD feels like having a powerful engine…

but no steering wheel.

You can go fast, you can go far…

but you can also crash.

And I’m tired of crashing

So no… ADHD is not a curse.

But it’s not an excuse either.

It’s something I have to learn.

Something I have to fight.

Something I have to manage… every single day.

And maybe I’m not there yet.

But at least now…

I know that I’m not stupid.

I’m not lazy.

I’m just someone who needs to learn how to use her own mind.

And one day… I will.

Thanks for reading. Please if you have ADHD believe this is not the end you are smart and capable and you have the opportunity to achieve 80%more in life if you simply control your mind you are not behind you are special you are not a looser you're just different.

This article means a lot to me and im glad I made it reach you you can subscribe if you liked it and tell me what do u think of it 🫶

Why Did Men Dominate the World Instead of Women?

Throughout history, one undeniable reality appears across civilizations: men have controlled land, law, politics, and warfare. Empires were built by men, legal systems written by men, armies led by men. Yet this historical dominance raises a profound and unsettling question: why men? Why not women? If women are the source of life, love, and continuity, why were they not the ones who structured power? How did male domination begin, and why did it endure for centuries?

To answer this, we must go beyond simple accusations and explore biology, survival, culture, economics, and psychology.

The Biological Argument: Strength and Survival

In early human societies, survival was the priority. Strength mattered. Hunting large animals, defending tribes, fighting rival groups — these were physically demanding tasks. On average, men possess greater upper-body strength and higher testosterone levels, which historically made them more suited for combat and territorial defense.

If survival depended on protection and warfare, and if men were more physically adapted to those roles, then power naturally aligned with those who defended resources. From there, authority followed.

But this raises another question: was physical strength enough to justify centuries of social control? Strength may explain the beginning, but it does not fully explain the system that followed.

The Economic Factor: Control of Resources

When societies transitioned from nomadic tribes to agricultural civilizations, land became power. Ownership of property, livestock, and trade routes created wealth. Those who defended the land began to own it.

Men, already in roles of defense and warfare, became linked to property and inheritance. Laws were created to ensure land passed from father to son. Women, whose reproductive role required pregnancy and childcare, were often economically dependent during long periods of vulnerability.

Economic dependence reinforces hierarchy. If one group controls resources, the other becomes structurally limited. This was not necessarily born from hatred — it may have evolved from practicality — but it created inequality.

Yet again, we must ask: was this inevitable, or was it a cultural choice reinforced over time?

The Cultural and Religious Dimension

Culture solidifies biology into ideology.

Many ancient myths and religions portrayed men as rulers, warriors, kings, and divine lawgivers. Women were often depicted as mothers, muses, temptresses, or symbols of fertility. Even when goddesses existed, political authority on Earth was usually male.

Once a hierarchy is framed as divine or “natural,” questioning it becomes rebellion against tradition itself. Over centuries, norms become unquestioned truths.

But is something natural simply because it is old? Or does repetition create illusion?

The Psychological System of Power

Power is not only physical. It is psychological.

When one group holds authority for generations, it shapes education, narratives, and expectations. Women were often denied formal education or political voice. A system that limits opportunity can later point at that limitation as “proof” of incapability.

This is how domination sustains itself — not just through force, but through belief.

Yet here is a paradox: if women were truly incapable, how did they manage households, raise generations, influence kings from behind the scenes, preserve culture, and educate children? Influence existed — but it was private, not public.

So perhaps the question is not whether women had power, but what kind of power society chose to value.

What Is Power, Really?

Historically, power was defined as control over land, law, and war. It was measured in conquest and territory.

But there is another kind of power — the power to create life, shape character, nurture minds, and transmit values. Women dominated this invisible sphere.

Why did society value external control more than internal influence? Because expansion builds empires. Nurturing builds people — quietly.

And history tends to record empires more than emotions.

Could It Have Been Different?

Some societies were more matriarchal. Some cultures gave women economic and spiritual authority. So male domination was not biologically unavoidable everywhere.

But once patriarchal systems became widespread and self-reinforcing — through inheritance laws, military structures, and political exclusion — change became difficult.

Power protects itself.

The Modern Shift

Today, as physical strength matters less in leadership and knowledge becomes the primary currency, the foundation that once justified male domination weakens.

Education, technology, and economic independence are reshaping the equation. The question is no longer who is physically stronger — but who is competent, creative, and ethical.

And that opens space for balance and justice ⚖️ Justice not at the expense of sex, but at the expense of reason.

Men dominated history not simply because they were better, but because early survival conditions, physical advantages, economic control, and cultural systems aligned in their favor. Over time, temporary advantages became institutional structures. Structures became traditions. Traditions became unquestioned norms.

But history is not destiny.

The real question now is not why men dominated — but whether humanity can redefine power itself.

If power is control, then history explains itself.

If power is wisdom, compassion, and creation then perhaps the future will look very different

And maybe the most important question is this: do we want domination at all, or do we want balance