.

A Pink Affair

I think I've said this before, and I still stand by it..

Uhhh Nana envies girls that started liking pink from a young age. I really do.

Anyway, before I start yapping, I'd like to say and emphasize, that this is just an observation. This is not a rule, a guideline, or a project to determine right or wrong. I am simply observing and taking you along. Don't quote me or restack this like it's a fact... I will deny everything.

Glad that's out of the way. 🚂 I can't find an emoji with the train facing the other way. Last call for the train going to Venus.

.

.

.

Now, for starters, I am probably the least fashionable person you'll ever meet. This is not to say you won't find me dressed up, but if and when you do, just know that, I did not pick out that outfit. I probably wanted to wear green, yellow, pink and blue at once.

One of the things I'm forever grateful for..

still am... is the abundance of feminine company I grew up around. Men too, but whatever.

OtherwiseI'd probably still be wearing mismatched items. Thankfully, I've always had someone to tell me, "Go change that," or even better, someone who would simply pick something out for me.

As I grew up, whether in school, church, or wherever else.. I know I heard it and you probably did too, "You need to dress nicely or you won't get a boyfriend."

And you're there like.. I'm sorry what?

And you'd think that goes away.

Until you sit with married women, divorced women, women who've been married for twenty years, women who've been married for two, those that are dating or fresh out of relationships.. And you encounter the same words with a harsher face.

Women talk a lot amongst themselves, and sometimes you'll hear the gossip going around, "Sylvie broke up with her husband. I heard he cheated."

After the initial shock and gasps... Someone speaks up

"Well, she let herself go. Alijiachilia sana after aolewe. She stopped doing her hair and makeup. She stopped dressing up. Of course the husband would go out in search of another lady. One that is put together. Nierekereire. "

You think nothing of it the first time. But after hearing the same thing for the third time, and then the hundredth time, you eventually sit back like—Oh.

Here is a cheating man being sympathized with, and the argument is that his wife or girlfriend wasn't dolled up anymore.

.

.

You go to work on Monday in your new pants. Gen Zs love wide-leg pants. You sit at your desk and Jack from IT buzzes around.

"Do you wear heels? You should try wearing heels. Dresses would look better on you. What are you hiding? Why are your pants so baggy? Why are the colours so dull? Are you on your period? You don't wear makeup? Why don't you like acrylics?"

Another -Oh.

I quite like these baggy, dull, unflattering pants, by the way. They cost a lot too. I guess they just aren't pastel coloured and tight.

And in the evening, in the overcrowded matatu, you aren't allowed to man spread either.

And when you get home and wash off your makeup, your boyfriend comes home, doesn't look at you twice, and then proceeds to tweet.. "The shock of seeing your girlfriend at night without makeup. She's a whole different person."

Over the weekend, you can't turn up to the club or go outside in sweatpants like your man. Even normal trousers are being shunned. Too baggy. Too long. Too conservative.

.

.

So here you are... Your man cheating with a lady who wears short dresses, and an IT dude who is still sending you screenshots of shoe shops so you can buy heels.

And you decide...

Okay. Maybe I should change. Maybe I'm the problem.

So you walk to one of those mall stalls that sell makeup, and the attendant asks what's your shade.

And you stare at her like—

"..."

"..."

Very awkward, by the way.

But she shows you the basics. Concealer. Foundation. Powder... Etc

You go home and put on makeup before your date, trying to rekindle the marriage, only for a lady to whisper to you halfway through a quiet meal while your husband is outside...

"Your foundation isn't blended properly. The shade doesn't match your neck."

And suddenly you understand why the husband has been outside taking calls all night, hiding and looking away. And you can't even cry because the mascara was too expensive.

.

.

I envy girls that have always liked pink.

They look put together.

Pink being the universal feminine colour. There's other colors...don't come for me.

The girls played with makeup while I was busy running after nganyas every evening. They know what shade matches what, what blouse goes with jeans instead of baggy pants, what needs to be tucked, what colours work together, and they can walk in heels.

I'm not saying anyone who doesn't conform to these standards is wrong. I'm not saying whatever you think I'm saying... (I'm a very non confrontational person).

I think everyone should live as they please okay...

But I've outgrown the sagging and the black pants.

I've started liking dresses.

I've started liking eyeliner.

And sometimes you feel late to the party.

Twenty years late.

Thirty...

Fifty...

Seventy....

Years late to the pink congregation.

.

Q1. If you went back in time knowing what you know now... Would you change anything?

No. I'd still love black, gray and blue. I'd still run after nganyas every evening so that I'd have an abundance of stories to relay to my group of boys the next morning. I'd sag those pants(I don't like admitting this part) and I'd do it proudly.

The yapper of this piece was sleeping on a sack with a watermelon stained tee.

Very feminine indeed.

Is this thing on? warning sad girl blurb ahead

April 24

I don’t know what to do with my life.

I sound sad and emo

.

Most of the time when I utter that statement, the fix is normally around the corner. A nap, a good YouTube video, money, shopping, day drinking, daydreaming about the future.

But as you grow older, the black hole becomes bigger.

*I don’t even know why I wrote that*

And suddenly the quick fixes to “I don’t know what to do” don’t work.

The thought of a new phone, a trip, or a purchase doesn’t delight me. Day drinking is suddenly boring. YouTube is bland. playlist is suddenly just noise. The drugs and hedonistic pleasures are not enjoyable, and you just sigh.

Sigh

You sigh at every turn. The food has no taste either.

And you feel nothing.

The space in your chest is now a big hollow cave of nothingness.

You start to wonder how you are going to make it through the day, the week, or even if you can make it to the future. Because even the daydream of being a gazillionare times infinity touring the world does nothing for you.

Not even the urgency of getting your life together can jump-start you.

The engine has gone cold.

The cold is seeping into your toes and fingers, purple and blue. There’s no fire within you.

.

It’s like sinking, and you have no strength to swim up. It’s a quiet drowning. The surface is getting further and further away.

.

It’s standing in the middle of life. In the middle of a bustling crowd, at work, on the road crossing, at a party where everyone and everything is speeding past, and you are frozen there.

Detached.

Unable to blend in.

.

It’s everything losing colour and fading away.

June 17

.

I have loved you for the last time.

Visions of Gideon

.

Okay.

“What are we going to write about today?”

“...”

“Um...”

I wait.

“..”

No one answers.

“C’mon, Rachel... Where is your fifty-page essay input? The unwelcome thoughts...”

“...”

“Nothing? Seriously?”

The only time my mind is quiet

.

.

.

I don’t like talking about serious topics, so I’ll just tell you what’s been going on in my life. Well, not much has been going on, but that’s not the point now, is it?

.

I went out with my friends recently, and I felt lost. Like in the movies, in the middle of a busy square where you are just standing there while the world around you is moving.

I felt a lot of things.

Joy?

I do not know if I felt joy. I don’t think I have felt any joy recently... or maybe I don’t know the meaning of joy in the true sense of the word.

I have liked four people... no, three people this year. Some of them you know.

I have thought about love at length *cough cough daydreams.*

.

.

.

.

I need to feel something in my heart.

So I yearn and wait.

Tell him I need him.

Tell him I love him.

Tell him I need him.

Tell him we’ll be alright.

I don’t think we’ll be alright, but the emphasis is on the experience.

July 31

.

I can’t really tell the taste of food when I cook it for myself. I can tell when it’s horrible, though. And in such a scenario, I end up forcing myself to eat the largest portion or all of it so no one else has to suffer.

I refilled my plate with cabbage three times. Only cabbage. The rice was fine, so I scooped a bit. The cabbage was horrendous, so I tried to eat most of it before anyone came down for dinner.

Have you ever had a big bowl of bland food seasoned by your tears as you hunch over the meal praying you don’t throw up.

Have you ever sat alone at the table eating with nothing but silence surrounding you? The sound of the spoon scraping against the plate, bouncing off the walls. Chewing slowly as you try to reduce the sound of your own chewing and swallowing.

I have self-diagnosed misophonia. I’m not picky about who triggers me because I trigger myself too. This is why I have laid off gum. Just nyam nyam nyam nyaming in my ear over and over again until I couldn’t stand it.

I’m sorry if I’ve told you that you breathe too loudly.

“Do you think you might be lonely?” my mind asks me.

“Who? Me? Lonely? Pfft! As if... why would I be lonely? I have... I have... friends? A career? A job? Passions? Lovers? Hobbies? Money? Oh God the money... “

.

I don’t know if you know this, but I get shifty when I hear loud noises. It freaks me out, a drunk singing on his way home happens to knock something over and boom

The past few months have flown by for me. I can’t tell you what I did this morning, yesterday, or last month.

I’m not the type of drunk to get up and dance. I stay seated, then ask to go home and sleep.

I don’t know, maybe I should take more shots.

Music doesn’t sound good anymore.

My keyboard has a fucked-up letter A.

My next birthday is closer than my last birthday was.

I’m fat. In gen z slang.. I look like I give warm hugs

I have no job. I don’t want one either.

I don’t know if I have friends.

I have no relationship, and I’m not coming out of one either.

I drop my phone more than five times a day.

I don’t know if the chamomile or ashwagandha is working.

I don’t want anyone to rely on me. I don’t want anyone to depend on me.

.

If this were a movie, I’d probably be zoned out, the world around me moving at supersonic speed.

“Is she still with us? Helloooo anyone home?”

.

I don’t know what I’m doing wrong.

I don’t even know where to start.

I want to watch the sun rise and set, the moon and the stars.

I tried to colour yesterday. It all looked weird.

Now I’m just watching the cursor blink on a blank document.

|

I tried to out the cursor here..it’s blinking you just can’t see it

Right... I need to take the trash out. There goes the last of that bland meal.

"It's been four months, don't you think you ought to get a job already."

"Mm." I hum

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"My tooth is aching." I press my hand to my jaw, my ears are ringing too. Damn wisdom teeth

"What does that have to do with applying for jobs." Rachel presses

"I don't know. I'm tired. I'll do it tomorrow. Apply to ten jobs and replace time lost today..." I mumble walking to my room

Rachel follows behind.

"Whatever, lend me some money." She says

"You must have a few loose screws. Employed. Unemployed." I point to her then me. Why would she borrow money from me when she's the one with the job

I move to the window and sit there, curtains open. I watch a familiar figure walk towards the blue gate on the opposite side.

"You should talk to him, instead of staring at him like a hawk." Rachel whispers peeking over my shoulder. I scoot away. I'm not in the mood for physical touch.

"You pay that with interest." I say handing her the last bills I had hidden in my phone case and she leaves me alone.

During the time I take to talk to her, I lose track of the person I was looking at but it's short lived, as the windows on the other building swing open and a head peeks through. Tie in hand, black trenchcoat open and a white shirt underneath. He stares, I draw back my curtains.

Julian has mastered the art of a condescending stare, it's why I don't meet his eyes. But I find him very interesting so I still spare him some of my time. He's not too bad.

.

.

Friday evening finds me on my way out to the store. Pyjamas, bonnet, mismatched socks and a hoodie. I struggle with the gate flip it off on my way out and pull the hoodie over my head shielding myself from peoples stares. No one is in sight, no one cares...but my anxiety does. The store is seven minutes away. Milk,eggs, flour and chocolate. The chocolate is mine. The rest are Rachel's. She's the only one that can cook. I have three roommates. Izzy who's home once a week, employed Rachel and unemployed me.

I count the change as I walk away from the store but I don't know if it's right, I'll have to use the calculator at home. I skip a puddle splash some water on my slides. Someone walks past me. I freeze, pretend I'm fixing my shoes. Julian looks back and continues walking, I drag my feet behind him. It's too awkward to walk near him or ahead of him. I sigh. Seven minutes because I am a fast walker, fifteen at this rate. I look around... Closed shops, one building marked x in red paint and a few people walking around. The sky is gray and furious the laundry will probably take days to dry in this weather

A dog backs in the distance. I quicken my pace and stick a few steps behind the black trench coat. I'm scared of dogs. He looks good in official clothes. Must be nice to get off work, employment must be nice or the dressing up part.. not the labour. Hard to believe we are the same age. I'm fighting dehydration and unemployment, he's wearing expensive cologne and his clothes are all ironed and matched. I don't know if I'm jealous of him. He walks slower as we approach the dog, the dog without a leash because the owner is too busy doing who knows what. I hold my breath as we walk past it, I heard they can smell fear. It starts moving around and I nearly reach for him. A few kids come running towards it and it runs away.

With the danger averted I take slower steps allowing the distance between us to grow. Heaven forbid he smells my couch sweat and sees my eye bags yuck. Stupid water shortage. It's cold there's no water and ahhhhh I wanna move out actually. But I can't afford it. I should have bought more snacks.

"Why'd you stop walking?"

Hm...who said that. Is he talking to me...and oh I did stop. I start moving and now hes the one standing. I walk past him. Big mistake because I'm now awfully aware of my terrible posture and have suddenly forgotten how to walk. I trip over myself. Hands and knees on the pavement. I hope the eggs made it. He starts walking, extends his hand towards me. Should I pretend to faint, this is so embarrassing.

He helps me up and I dust my hands. My knee stings but I'll sort that later. We are now side by side and he's carrying my grocery bag, I can't run away.

"Are you okay?" He asks

"No. My teeth are growing." I answer.

That wasn't the question was it...

"I mean yeah...I fall a lot." I say displaying my palms. No sign of injury.

"You're still growing teeth?" He asks

"I- wisdom teeth take time."

"So you have 28 teeth." He laughs. He laughs for a full minute tears and everything and I stand there watching him cackle.

"Like you have 32." I him walking past him

"I do."

"Lies!"

And he displays his teeth. A full smile then he opens his mouth. Whatever compelled him to do that compels me to take a step back to him and count his teeth, tilting his chin side to side.

"27 28....31..32." I let go of his jaw stick my tongue out at him and continue walking.

We part ways at my green gate and he walks towards the other side. I close the gate behind me and peek at the key hole until he disappears behind the blue gate.

"What are you looking at?" A voice comes from behind and I hit my head on the cold metal.

"What the fuck Rachel...stop creeping up on people." I rub my head

"I just wanted to know what you are looking at?" She swings on her feet

"Nothing."

"Was it Julian?" She asks

"I don't know what you are talking about."

"I heard his grandma owns the land on the whole street. They are rich rich....is that why you like him?"

"What?! First of all I don't like him. Even if I did I'm not that materialistic."

The conversation doesn't develop as we make it to our door on the first floor to find Izzy passed outside the house. It's Friday of course she went door drinking. I skip over her legs and open the door.

"You carry her. I'm carrying groceries and my tooth is aching." I say

"What does that have to do with anything?" Rachel cries.

I shrug and walk away

.

.

Friday nights from 1am make me wonder what I find interesting about Julian anyway. The street below is full of chatter, drunkards arguing and cars revving. It goes  on for two hours and my sanity holds on by a thread. It's my fault for living in a crowded area. I should just make money and move to a gated community center with thicker soundproof walls. My tooth ache has extended to my ear and my left eye is tearing up. I get up and swing the window open. No one below sees me, but leaning in a blue car a blonde wig next to him Julian looks up and I point at my ear. He turns his right hand in the air...volume. I nod. A few of his friends hush down and the cars start moving down the street. I give a thumbs up and disappear.

Fellow peers in short dresses, wigs and heels. I shouldn't have done that. It's quieter now, not fully quiet but better. But my mood is now in the pits. I can't handle noise and I can't handle social interaction either. I wish I was cook like that, spending my Friday at a party. I out on my socks and get back into bed. 3-5 finds me awake. Tossing and turning and I nearly cry in frustration. A loud revving disturbs the silence and I jump out of bed to the window ready to chew out the intruder.

Julian steps out of the car and gives an apologetic shrug. I wave him off and shut the curtains. I draw them back after a few minutes and he's still standing there, swinging on the balls of his feet.

He points to the back at the parked vehicle...makes driving motions and I point at myself...he nods. I shake my head, he nods...we go back and forth and at the fifth nod I decide to go outside. I pull some pants under the night dress, still clad in sleeping attire because my original intention was

to tell him off about the noise and go back to bed. Not secure my seatbelt as we cruised down the highway.

In the pursuit of finding meaning to life... a single word echoed in the back of my mind

devotion

According to google- Devotion is defined as the act or state of devoting or being devoted, the feeling of strong or fervent affection; dedication, Religious veneration, zeal, piety, prayer and religious ritual.

.

.

I have come across various people in life that have sparked my interest. Monks, gurus, pastors, musicians, writers, missionaries all the way to content creators and even the neighbor downstairs.. door 17- every Friday he buys a bouquet of flowers, takes a walk every afternoon and listens to a documentary every night.

I have watched or seen their craft and now that I think about it there may be a few reasons that drive them... I would like to think devotion is somewhere on the list. In the sense of their dedication to their craft, relentlessly following their passion or religion, devotion to causes and people, to life by pursuing life day in day out, devotion that makes you say I want to see tomorrow, I want to keep pursuing this career, I want to pursue my love, my religion, my cause, I need to finish that degree, I must visit New York, every Sunday will find me in church and so much more.

And it makes everything look so intense. The prayer passed on throughout generations, music that never leaves your lips, hands of a lover that never leave your skin, heartfelt gratitude to missionaries and their causes, the piece of art you linger in front of longer than other pieces or even the song you never stopped replaying. It’s not loud, just felt, now and forever. Maybe not forever but for a reasonable amount of time.

It feels like hands reaching out to caress your face, holding the soft tears before they fall. It feels soft like a lush petal, the feeling of your feet stepping on morning dew, the warmth of the morning sun against your skin, the drumming of a heart for decades, the breath in and out, the trip in ‘84 with your friends some of whom you never saw again, the photograph you never stop staring at, the rough hands that have experienced years.

And I wonder how different life would be if I woke up every day devoted to it. Would my love be bigger, would I be more dedicated to my people and interests, would I feel more, would I feel the rush of life, would I be grounded in the present... would everything be better then? Would afternoon tea be better, warmer, sweeter? Would it finally give meaning to life? Would I write better, love intensely, and live fully? Would my mornings be full of peace and would my heart ache less at the thought of the past?

Day after day...through the four seasons. What would I love in spring, who would I miss over winter, what would be forgotten over the summer... and in fall would I be happy? Whose portrait would stain my hands and whose eyes would I write about? I would probably smile more, love more, pray more, write more.... My vision would be clearer and so would be my hearing. I would make use of my one and only life. Hopelessly devoted...

And it would probably look like reaching out to friends and family more because I do love them. It would be the bouquet, jewelry or gift I’d buy simply because it reminds me of someone, it would be seen in the way our hands reach out to hold each other over our 7^th to 57^th anniversary. It would be seen in my drafts, traces of all the people I have met and loved. In the letters I have kept for years. It would be as simple as waking up with a smile on my face, a prayer for a better tomorrow... maybe then I’d love life and it would love me back. I would know what to do, when to do it and how to do it... maybe.

My life would probably be occupied with

I love you

I miss you

I saw this and thought of you

Let’s hang out

Smile for the camera

We should see each other soon

I love writing

Thank you Lord

I like it

I like me

I am at peace

And I strayed from the original topic. maybe all this isn’t devotion but there are traces of it no? learn to love what you do and do it well.

.

Up until five weeks ago, I didn't think of myself as a jealous woman. Quite the opposite honestly, I thought I was very accepting and tolerant. Even now I still think I am...the only explanation could be that it has all boiled up.

All the I'll talk to you later, I'm busy right now, I'll reach out when I can....you know the type. Quite courteous actually.. telling someone you are busy but you'll be back later. The difference is I'm also busy...but I dried my hands at the beginning of my chores and after every ten minutes to reply. I paused my show...I shushed my friends...and excused myself... I'm busy too

You'd think that they like you enough to give you time. But they are grown now, very mature and disciplined .... I'll see you around… later Jane. No Nate you won't.

"You can't keep ignoring him forever." Izzie appears by my side as I dry the dishes.

"I'm not ignoring him." I say

"So?"

"So what?"

"So why aren't you talking to him??" Izzy presses

"I don't like him anymore. I'm no longer interested." I place the plate on the rack, glad it didn't slide and break.

"You can't be serious." She sighs

I say nothing. In between the laters I also learned to prioritize my time and say later, and before I knew it my heart didn't flutter at the familiar ringtone or ping.

I was no longer interested in the conversation. I could barely concentrate and suddenly our texts became shorter...less frequent. With the absence of my enthusiasm...we faded.

I don't need you to love or like me enough to let me hold the heart in your chest...I just need enough. And Izzy is right maybe I should communicate.

Y'know... I'd probably type...I should have probably typed

Hey Nate. I love talking to you I wish our conversations were longer.

But by the time I would have gathered enough strength to speak...type and send....my interest would have disappeared. It already has

So there's no use asking for more...when I don't want more. I don't want to talk...I don't want to stay up listening to music with you...I don't want to tell you about my day or the dream I had....I don't want to watch the movie together or discuss the book. I can spare a hi...out of respect and care because humans care but that is all.

.

.

That evening...

I give Izzy a look, she insisted we stay behind after group work. Get a drink or something. Or something is Nate in front of me

"Heyyy partner." I try...comes out more awkward than it should and I scratch my head

He's nice to look at. A pretty face and a pair of glasses sliding down his nose.

"I'm sorry." he says

"For what?" I ask. There's nothing to apologize for... even if he knows why I went quiet there's still nothing to apologize for. I can't ask him to monopolize his time for me. I cannot

"I just..." He begins... pushes the glasses up the bridge of his nose. I can see that he's now having time to think about why and what he's apologizing for

"Are you mad at me?" He tries

"No I'm not."I say

"Were you mad at me before?" He asks...there it is. What I like about Nate is that he's smart. He knows I may not be mad now...but then ??

"Yes." I answer swaying back and forth

He's cute. So cute I could kiss him. Which is strange because I didn't even want to see him when I liked him. I would leave first, I would keep the conversation short but now...now I can give him all the one and one talk without feeling anything

"Why?"

"It's no use telling you now."

"Jane?"

"Hmm"

"Why are you so difficult?"

He pulls me into a hug and I nuzzle his chest

"I'm sorry.” He repeats

I shake my head

"Did you get your nails done?"

"Mmh"

"Still as pretty as always."

"Yeah."

"Are you going to say anything else.."

"No."

"I'm sorry...it's just that I've been really busy."

"Mnn.."

"Janeeee."

"What it's fine... people can be busy Nate who cares."

"I'm sorry."

"You keep saying that..."

"S-ummm so what are you doing tonight?"

"Bye Nate."

"Oh c'mon."

“Later.”

"Stop looking at me like that." Rachel said

"What's with you two?" Jane asked.

"Rachel has a crush." Izzie shouted...and Rachel smacked Izzy with the pillow

"It's not a crush." She repeated.

Because it wasn't. It was just interest...curiosity even. Never a crush.

"Tell me about him..." Jane urged.

Rachel sighed. There was nothing to say but her friends wouldn't let it go.

"There is a guy. I don't have a crush on him like Izzie thinks. If I had.... I'd want him. And I don't want him like that." -Rachel

"You do want him." Izzie pressed

"I don't." Rachel stretched and made herself comfortable on the couch, "I'm curious about him. I would like for him to like me but also I don't know."

She had met a guy, nothing fancy really plain old meeting like you met every other stranger. They didn't even talk to each other at first but out of proximity, in between classes and shared friend groups... greetings were passed around and some short conversations shared here and there.

She doesn't know when it started -she does actually. The first time they talked it all clicked into place. It's like the universe provided her with a big question mark. Her interest wasn't curiousity at first, it was just plain interest. As plain and normal as do you find me pretty Luke? And for the first few weeks she could have sworn up and down the spark was mutual.

That's when Izzy noticed it...she just walked up to Jane one day and asked, "what's the deal with you and Luke?"

Rachel said nothing, just smiled, thrilled that outsiders could see there was something in between the intense eye contact, greetings and nothing. Yes nothing. There was absolutely nothing else just vibes. But with so little to work with her mind had gone the extra delulu mile. She became aware of his voice, his presence, his tone....

"You going home early?" He'd ask

"Yeah."-Rachel

"Have a wonderful evening Rachel."

"Have a great weekend."

"See you on Tuesday."

"Hi Rachel...what are you doing tomorrow?"

"Love your perfume Rachel."

"What class is next?"

"See you around Rachel."

"Let's walk together."

"Rachel and I can do it."

"Let's go home Rachel."

Very normal conversations but the rate at which he occupied her thoughts forced her to spend the next few days dissecting every hi, every group interaction,every gaze and just before she went mad he burned down her web of thoughts before her eyes.

They hadn't spoken that day or the day before and she had made a resolution to not seek him out. Rachel took a mature step back and watched...and found what she was looking for. They were on their way to the next class, she had the chance to walk behind him and she saw him with his friends. Her vision cleared and she saw it. One friend...the lady to his left started glowing. We call that women's intuition. The answer just starts shining...

She didn't even have to dig for anything, during the group discussion the lecturer asked two people from each group to go get past papers. Luke left first and one girl stood up just as the glowing lady did, the friends stopped the new lady let the glowing one go and after she left each of the friends commented, "it's like they are husband and wife. They are glued together. It's so obvious she likes him."

Rachel breathed in and out and made a decision to stay away from him so she avoided him like the plague over the next few weeks. But interest doesn't just dissolve into thin air. She kept her distance and the universe sent him her way and he began seeking her out more than before....asking how she's doing, random talks mostly about their mutual friends and sometimes he asked about her, her interests and hobbies, her music, career and made small remarks like...

"You are in such a hurry to leave... boyfriend waiting for you?"

"What did you do last weekend?"

"Go anywhere fun?"

"Rachel is busy on the phone with her boyfriend." The last part he said when she wasn't concentrating on the discussion

The more she avoided him the more they interacted. She was always weary of the glowing lady, always quick to end conversation before the lady came by. But every attempt to find him unattractive didn't work...he never slipped up even when talking to his friends about controversial topics his answers were always safe. Staring at his bald head didn't help her like him less. So she settled on...okay maybe I don't hate him.

*But I don't like him either*

She was curious about him, the real him outside the school personality he had. How was he with his friends? What was his routine like? It was the first time she had ever been curious about someone outside what she saw. She got curious about the rest of his life...and she found herself thinking what if I don't like it and even with that realization in mind she was okay. And for the first time in her life she understood what it meant to accommodate someone with their good and bad. To want to tolerate and understand their differences and to stay interested even when didn't share similar interests.

She was no longer stuck on who she wished he was or the version of him she had in mind....she wanted to see him in his honesty....Tired, annoyed, how did his fun days look like? How did he act when interested in someone? Did he like his coffee with milk or sugar? And in that truth she found peace. Peace with the fact that she may never experience the other sides of him, and that too was fine. Whether he said hi or not didn't matter anymore....and she started rooting for the glowing lady, she deserved it.

Hers wasn't a crush...just curiosity. And the curiosity faded with time. If Izzy hadn't mentioned it she wouldn't have remembered him. She learnt a lot within the time. She learnt that deep down shed only receive love if she was completely chosen.

"I like people that like me Izzy. I don't want to be treated like all your friends I want to be special. I want to feel the obvious bias." She had commented once when Izzy asked one of the qualities she'd settle for. The small time with Luke had taught her a lot. Some interactions aren't meant to be explored, they are felt and they fade, you don't hold on to them...you let them pass.

"I didn't like like him...besides i have a crush on someone else." Rachel said.

"You didn't like him... because you felt he didn't like you or you just didn't like him like that?" Izzy asked

"I don't Izzy I don't know."

"Is it because he didn't declare his undying love for you? Yell from the rooftop for everyone to hear?" Izzy pressed

"Maybe "

Izzy snickered. Jane had more questions.

"Was he cute?"

"Shut up Jane."

Picture from Pinterest

He loves me, he loves me not

.

song

because I think we should all post our drafts

.

.

I imagine people watching this interaction...maybe online on a channel and the vibe ranges from clear to low quality to polaroid ish vibes. Something old school ish.

Seth is conducting interviews on a Friday, a gloomy and puddly evening. The rain has been reduced to a drizzle and people are back out to enjoy the week-end. Get it coz the week has ended. It’s Friday, the change weather of won’t be stopping anyone.

The camera zooms in on a girl walking down some steps a few metres away...

static crackles view steadies

She’s wearing a black mini skirt, black tights, some knee boots, a light brown sweater with a maroon collar peaking out, and a leather jacket on top...white wired earphones

Camera man Luke urges Seth to interview her, “She’s walking this way.”

Seth shuffles on his feet

“Go!” Luke urges

She gets closer...camera clears Seth holds out the mic clip thingy

“Excuse me...hello? Are you down for an interview...”

Her eyes sweep past the camera to Seth...she pulls out her earphones

“Sorry?”

“We’re doing interviews...” Seth starts

she nods...

He freezes up, ”can I interview you?” he asks

Her eyes are glued to the ground ear to him as he introduces his channel. A few more lines and she still doesn’t look up.

She ends up interrupting him.

“I’m sorry but there’s a chameleon headed for your boot.” She points at Seth’s shoe.

He jumps. Screams. Hides behind Luke

And her eyes twinkle as she watches him

“Hmm....I think you are faster than the little guy.” She jokes... he clears his throat, straightens his shirt and posture.

Luke the camera man zooms in on the chameleon, half camouflaged in green from the trees and brown pavement...they poke around it until some kids come and pick it up then they move the interview to a bench

.

.

Camera clearing focusing....

Seth has dropped the mic twice...so he just clips it to his shirt as their voices fade in and out

“Hi again..” Seth begins

She picks up the mic..or his shirt where it’s clipped

“Hi fans...do you have fans?” She waves at the camera

“Uhh yeah.”

“Right....yes what’s your favorite color?” Seth recovers

“My favorite color?”

voice fades out

Luke points it out...

She leans towards the mic on Seth’s loose black button up

“My favorite color is brown.”

And she stares straight at the camera... Seth visibly gulps

“The mic clear enough for you Luke?” Seth mocks

.

.

“Did you expect the rain this Friday?” Seth asks

“Is that part of the script?” She counters

They are seated side by side on the bench

“There’s no script.” Seth stares at her… she smiles

“No I wasn’t expecting the rain...the weather app though did give a warning.” -She

“You look at the weather app?” He questions

“You don’t?” she asks

Static crackles camera zooms in and out and Seth looks away and gaze shifts dead into the camera piercing to Luke behind the scenes

Luke like a good friend comes to his aid.. “ask her about the camera?”

“Right....we give out disposable cameras to people to take pictures of their fun days and travel and we develop them for uhh fun. Do you want it?” Seth pulls a disposable camera from his pocket

.

.

She stares it, feeling its weight on her hands, “uhmmm..my life is very boring.” She says

“Really?” Seth asks

She nods

“Where were you headed to?” he asks

“A cafe for wine or warm chocolate....idk the weather already looks like a Parisian night.” she says

“You have a way with words” -Seth

“Do I?” she smiling now

Luke tells them about the sound

She leans in to his chest, where the small mic is clipped

“Is this for YouTube?” She asks

“Yes... you’ve seen the channel?” Seth asks

“Noo,” she mumbles. “What’s your channel name?”

“I’m not telling you” Seth looks away, she looks up at him surprised by his peculiar answer. Luke is astonished

“What’s your name then?” she asks

“Not telling.” he says…adds,“If you can guess correctly I’ll buy you whatever.”

She sits back and nods....

This isn’t an interview anymore….they walk down the street in search of a cafe.

camera zooming in and out of their frames ahead

They settle down outside one, on a wet table… at least the chairs are dry. Its too crowded inside anyway. The three make their orders...a glass of whiskey, hot chocolate, wine, waffles and ice. Who ordered ice?

The camera zooms in on the slow traffic, the wet tarmac, couples walking by, blurred lights on the wet surfaces, luke zooms in on his own pair of boots…a little ootd before turning the camera to his friend. Seth. Seth who’s looking down at the strange girl...like he met himself in a different timeline

Luke....speaks

“We never asked your name.”

“My friends call me Izzie...crazy Izzie they say it rhymes.”

“Is that actually your name?” Seth asks

“No Seth it’s not, I just like lying on interviews.” She stares at him, she got his name

Luke gasps behind the camera....

Seth sniffs...blows out air and takes his wallet out and gives her his card. Luke is more shocked than the audience.

“What next…you’ll give me the pin?” she jokes

“...****...”

It’s bleeped out.

hes crazy…they are all crazy

Camera man and interviewee stare at Seth...the drinks come.

The trio gets into small conversations about the city, traffic, the weather....the rainy Friday night but people still step out to party, taxes, the economy and Luke opens up about his heartbreak.

A few girls recognize Seth come for pictures and autographs...then they leave giggling

“Famous?”-Izzy

“No.”

“Nyo.” Luke mocks

Izzy and Luke shake hands. More fans pass by waving.

Seth is blushing

Crazy Izzy and Luke snicker

She holds out her sandwich for Seth to bite, gets some sauce on her fingers and before she can reach for a napkin Seth holds her wrist and licks the sauce off.

Luke smirks

Izzy meets his eyes…they say nothing. A full one two three to five seconds of staring, camera man clear his throat and they spark dims.

.

.

“What’s your favorite color?” She holds the small mic up, turning into an interviewer

“Brown, red and green.” He says into the mic

She has her legs crossed half leaning on the table. Seth is leaned back an arm behind her chair.

“Choose one,” she urges

“no.”

“no?”

“No.” He asserts

“No.” She repeats letting the word settle

Camera zooming in between them

“Cut!” Izzy yells

“You can't just yell cut..” Seth says

“Why?”

“Because Luke is my camera man..mineee.”

“You seeing this Luke…edit him out.”

And they fight over the mic drop it again and Luke glares at them. They cooperate

.

.

Different scene...

Them on a bench on the other side of the road sharing earphones…then they begin observing passersby

“Ohhh look at that guy love his jacket…he's cute.” Izzy points out

“His jacket is okay.” -Seth

“What about that guy..he's really tall.”

“Eh.”

“How tall are you?” She asks

Luke snickers…Seth takes back the mic

“Favorite subject in school?” Seth asks after minutes of silence….and the other two stare at him

“It's a good question..” he defends

“I hate school….What or who do you want to be reborn as?” She asks next

“Idk…I want to stay as I am.” Seth says

“Boooring.” She sticks her tongue out at him

And the two stare at the camera

“What?” Luke asks

“We are waiting for you to answer…”

“Oh…in my next life I want to be a pro athlete.” Luke says balancing the camera

She nods.

“Why didn't you boo his answer?” Seth cries

Camera blurs

She shrugs, “it was an okay answer.”

“What's your answer then?”

“A mountain..or a rock.”

“..”

“..”

.

.

They talk about the camera some more.

She insists her life is boring Seth doesn’t believe her...but the interview has turned into a them night as they take pictures here and there, everywhere...they snap the road...their meals...their shoes together...the street cats and dogs…Luke the camera throwing a peace sign...and finally they take a selfie

And they decide to walk to a second location. Seth is now carrying her hand bag, it's been on his shoulder since they left the cafe…the walk was initially a race, but she losses and refutes the results.

Seth lets her win the second time and that too she protests…says it's not fair if he lets her win

The bar on the way is too crowded they go to the arcade he wins her a doll...and they visit the photo booth

Snaps of them staring at each other...wearing goofy glasses...making gestures...and idk

The measure their hand sizes palm on palm

“Your hands are cold.” Seth remarks

“And pretty.” Izzy adds

“Your hands are freezing lady.”

“Okay…anyways prettiest hand ever.”

And she skips away…following a butterfly

.

They part ways at the bus stop.

“Seth..” she starts

“Hmm?”

She points at her bag…he hands it over,sighs and pockets his hands…swaying back and forth.

“Well I guess this is it…” she says.

“Right….yeah.”

She salutes them and turns away…carries the doll on her left arm like a child and the camera on the other, Seth and Luke stay behind.

“Do you think I’ll see her again?” Seth asks

“No.” Luke answers… fixing the camera on the retreating bus and back to Seth.

picture from pinterest

The end

.

.

To all residents of planet earth.. idk if I should go with Eren’s speech, Optimus prime or Lelouch-

Greetings sailor,

I hope this rant finds you well and maybe sometimes rejection is redirection.

First order of the day, I want to take this time to wish myself a happy birthday. I want to thank me for believing in me. And if you think I'm over doing it trust me, I am being chill about it. My self-love or ego as some would call it, is over the roof. I wasn't joking about wanting a holiday or billboard in my honor. Anyway, I wasn’t going to be publishing any article anytime soon, I mean I wanted to, but my brain was too chaotic to come up with anything but today....today thanks to divine alignment or intervention, something sparked an idea in my mind. A REJECTION EMAIL...technically its not even an email but word of mouth.

I will walk you through my day, I find it easier to explain things through my eyes instead of well- explaining them lol.

I am a strong believer of whatever is meant to find you will find you and vice versa, if it isn't for you its not, or idk some people prefer to bend reality so that works too. I use this philosophy in my life simply because it makes living easier...stress free. For those that have been around my page or have seen my last article y’know I have been crashing out about unemployment. And for the weeks I have been unemployed and out of school I have spent every hour in pure anger, tears, sadness, and madness.

Over the past few weeks there's a job I have been eying, the type of gig you are sure you'll get, everyone was sure it will be mine... no that's too much...we were all hopeful I stood a reasonably okay chance at getting it. Today however- hmmmm I feel like you can guess by now lol. I got the no today and it was initial shock to crashing out lmao. A few people saw my note...but mid crash out I sat back halfway through the cry and thought hmmm surely why am I crying when I was lowkey hoping I don't get it. Tulia hapo kwanza.

Second fact, I am selectively participative..I hate saying lazy. What I mean by this is that I blame my selective participation for not wanting a job now, that does not mean i won’t clock in if they need me there on Monday. But in all honesty anxiety is probably the main reason, because (not to brag but) all my previous employers and colleagues gave me good recommendations so its not a laziness issue. I might not like a job, I’ll vomit or cry on my way there but I'll get it done.

Anyway knowing that 👆...the outcome(crashout) would have been the same. Whether the answer would have been yay you got the job or no...I would have still crashed out. Maybe even cried more at the yes because I am mentally not yet ready to go back to corporate...at least not today. I am not saying I will forever stay unemployed...but for today the best answer i could have received was no. With that realization in mind, I got up and I went to eat. No more omad...I actually sat down and enjoyed a meal for the first time in weeks...ata zimedigest leo hazijarudi juu. And for the first time in weeks my mind was clear...so clear I'm here writing this, listening to music and it doesn't feel like noise and not crying. I have also decided that this career break-i refuse to call it unemployment anymore- was something I needed. And I am truly grateful I still have enough support to freely enjoy this time without guilt. I hit the family jackpot ngl.... so I am going to take this time to rest, I'll still send out a few emails here and there now and then. I'm not opposed to a job btw. And if this makes its way to an employer i can start as soon as yesterday lol. Hire meeee.

But for today, I've done what I could sooooo I am going to spend the rest of the day doing me stuff and not wallowing in self pity. If i get a job tomorrow atleast I enjoyed my break. Yeah....and that is why i say if it's meant to find you it will find you, if it snit utalia na bado si yako so Wacha nitulie. If you can afford to let go of stuff please do. Praying for those searching for jobs as well it's not easy. First gap year..so nervous what hobbies should i pick up...

Notes.. if you are wondering why the title is life is like a river, I don't know either. It sounded cool in my head. If you need proof that letting go of what you can't control aligns things…I'll tell you this…after eating and crying and breathing out I sent a dm to a certain brand for the sake of it and they actually replied. Lastly mnakunywa wapi Leo nikuje

or don't.

The worst thing to happen to you in your 20s is to have time and no identity. You start to realize how miserable you are when you no longer have school, friends, work and schedules to hide under. When life finally gives you a break and you have nothing to do cough unemployment you start to think about your life.....you've stopped it hasn't.

Monday 23rd February, three months after graduation. Wake up at 2pm after spending the night sending applications. One rejection email greets you, the timely everyday goodmorning from you family members, some lad complaining about your late replies, a friend complaining about the too many hangouts you've missed, that one 'friend' sending you job applications and prayers taking time to remind you laziness is a sin, the wifi guy, the garbage lady....and more bills. You reply to your family and switch off your phone, quickly turn it back on Incase an interviewer calls.

You've grown up hating old people that didn't get over their glory days and suddenly you are them.....I used to be a gifted kid I don't know what happened in between the early comments on good job, to numerous comments saying you have more potential to total silence. You stay in bed out of exhaustion hope to fall back asleep and maybe eat breakfast for supper and save on food.

I used to be a gifted kid.

You scroll on TikTok relate to the countless videos on burnout and stress and how to get over it. Breathe in breathe out...you scroll to the next video before the meditation begins and think 'maybe it's fake, I'm not unwell my mind is lying.'

Someone on here asked me the other night....

'Why are you up?'

I said, 'I don't know....I can't sleep"

'Why?'

'Why what...'

'Why can't you sleep?'

'I don't know..'

'Have you tried to sleep?'

'Yeah'

'Really tried?'

'I guess '

I sighed as I sent that, I didn't want any part of the conversation anymore but I still lunge at my phone when it lights up with a notification

'Then the question should be what's keeping you up?'

'Everything'

'Whats everything?'

I don't answer, I never answered. If I do I'll probably tell him I ended falling asleep and change the topic if he still cares.

I used to be a good kid

I was a prefect

I had friends...I had so many friend I told Jill and Scott I had no capacity for new friends, so they bribed me to be their friend. I don't speak to Jill or Scott anymore. I'd probably run away if I ever met anyone I knew. I have fallen too far..

They all said I'd grow up to be a good kid

Everyone loved me

I was always quiet

I was pretty

I was nice

Tuesday comes by too quickly.

You don't reach for your phone today, it's already in your hands you haven't slept the whole night. A text pops up

And your ma asks how school is going?

And it's hard .....ma I can't seem to understand what they are teaching

But she still has hope in you...and she sends money...and "mzigo" via courier...2nk...I don't want my baby to starve.

She asks if you need anything.

Ma can I come home..please let me come home

But you don't say it.

You laugh and say no you don't need anything, you're a big girl now you tell the family goodnight you have an early morning.

And you spend the day crying... because what are you supposed to do with all that hope.

It's normally easier when you have someone to blame, but this time even the universe is not the enemy,no one is. If you were to be honest they'd let you go back home and rest for however long you needed, but you're here now, going back is too hard... After everything? After all that effort?

You decide to do some cleaning, try to feel productive and you clean everything before eating, and by the time you sit down you're shaking with hunger but at least you've done something today.

That evening your younger sibling texts you. You ask about school like the good older sibling and talk for a while and she informs you there's a school trip the following week but she doesn't wanna ask our parents for money because they just recently paid her fees. She knows they'll pay either way if she asks, but she sees, that sometimes it gets hard....and you feel bad because she's too young to understand how the economy works. You tell her not to worry you'll send something over the weekend and you ask what else she needs, she sends a list. You bid each other goodbye and you stare at the list and smile... The kid deserves it, you'll do something about it. I mean the little ones tell everyone they have an older sister in the city, can't let them down.

Wednesday is here too fast, the morning is too gloomy.

Your last job was a temporary gig a few months ago...where the boss said you were too quiet, and your colleagues said you were too pretty to be doing an odd job. One especially added that if they were a girl they'd never be broke and they looked at you weird. Why are you broke? The gig ended the same weekend and you were jobless again. Back then people used to admire and praise you for being quiet, now it's an issue.

Wednesday 9:00am

You tell your family to pray for you....you got a call back for an interview.

The afternoon finds you back in town...it's just another interview that you fail. The employer isn't your mother or father or brother, cousin, grandparent, friend or teacher...

He doesn't see the potential you have.

I used to be a gifted kid can't you see

You go for your foodstuff parcel, and just text thank you and received because if you call back home you'll cry until you can't anymore.

Friday comes and goes...and on Saturday your friends drag you out after playing dress up, and you all carpool to a new club just outside the city. You're meeting your friend's lother 'friends' there.

And you meet a guy...and over an overpriced cocktail he leans and asks

'So...what does Jane do?' He knows your name already, this is what Briar meant by 'friends'.

You smile, 'finance.'

'Really...done with school?'

'Yeah... looking for a job now'

You fall short of asking if he can give you one, but if we can be honest he doesn't care. It's just small talk, so you stay quiet.

Hes a little old but it's all the attention you've received in months you savour it, and he's paying for drinks.

He tells you you smell nice...expensive

He doesn't know it took bottles of around 15 scents to sneak in and blend in with them.

Chocolate and vanilla, he says and adjust his tie. Asks if you want another drink as you all move to a quieter place. He sticks next to you on the leather couch and arm around you he makes a show of ordering something expensive and dismisses the waiter.

He doesn't care for your schooling anymore just how your legs look crossed, and how too far you are sitting. Which is odd because you can feel him breathing down on you. He waves at his friend and leans in...too close. So you repulse him and ask the question that should never be asked

'The wedding band on your finger...' you start

'I'm single,' he says all too quickly

But you can see the faint outline and discoloration, where the missing ring is supposed to be.

'Divorced' he caves.

He adds, 'she was nothing like you ...you're a real beauty.'

Your foundation, pregamed alcohol and the cocktail come up, you excuse yourself. You hurl in the bathroom and decide to text your friends you're leaving, it's met with a few complains but you say you are sick.

Ten minutes pass by and all the Ubers keep cancelling, so you head to the gate tip the soldier and he agrees to call a boda to the stage for you. As you wait Jonathan finds you, drunker than you left him, he stumbles.

You're ditching me?' He asks, it comes off too loud too hostile, there's no reasoning with him so you pull a distressed face as he presses for answers as to why you are leaving....and you manage a tear, sniff and look away his grip on you loosens. The soldier looks at you and you shake your head, you can handle it you guess.

'Where are you going...' he presses

'My ex - he..he dropped off the kid at my doorstep my neighbor just called me, saying there's a kid there,' you make a show, very dramatic now he'll leave you alone and never look for you, 'i need to go home to my baby, but he probably thinks I'm a bad mother..' you cry some more... waiting for his outburst or departure but he awkwardly pats your back

'Its okay I have a kid too.' He starts....that's not how it's supposed to go.

Why is he advising you about parenthood, why is he still here.

'How old is he? I have a daughter and three sons. I raised them myself. You and your child if you want you can be part of my family too...' he says.

You dug the wrong hole, normally you scare me away that way. Luckily his friends come for him and drag him away, you get on the waiting boda outside, he's been called from his house, thank heavens he accepted..you thank the soldier and he just watches you wipe your fake tears. You wonder how many scenes he has seen like that. The boda rider gets too talkative, you indulge him coz it's late and you're in the middle of nowhere.

'Eh this economy?' you supply as the wind hits your face.

It's all you both talk about and he gets you to the stage, he waits until you get a matatu bless his soul. You look out of place...Fur coat, short dress heels and smudged make up as you squeeze into the last available seat and matatu of the night, any later and you would have walked home. The lady pulls her child closer as you step in and sit down but the child doesn't look away as you dig for gum in your bag mouth too bitter, and she stares at the pk worth 10 bob...and you lift it stare at the mother and she gives the child the go ahead to take it....

You all smile. It's too late in the night and she too looks out of place, looking around every now and then clothes spilling from her bag, she notices you looking, shushes the other as they ask,'mum, where is dad, why did we leave him?' the mothers eyes darken, you look away.

She alights before you but before that she looks back and smiles weakly, 'don't be like me.'

You get off the next stop, so you make your way to the front near the door, the tout looks at you weird

'boyfriend couldn't drive you home?'he asks

You flip him off after you alight and the car leaves.

You start your walk of shame in the estate, stop by a fast food joint and as you wait for your chips ...

You text your family goodnight and tell them you won't make it for Easter, or to your cousins wedding the following week....you say got a gig, you're too busy. But the truth is you don't wanna go back home now...they would know the truth that you lost yourself

And you buy two chips one for you and for the drunkard hustling you outside....he says God bless you. You make a prayer or request on your way home...

'this is my good deed ...please give one back in return...if it pleases you'

You make it home and after closing the door you collapse on the floor.

Too tired to cry

I used to be a good kid....I was the best...I was gifted

Do you have a boyfriend

You say...I can't seem to find one

How's school...

It's too hard i don't understand what's going on half the time

How's the job...

They didn't hire me

Did you make friends...

No...I don't how to make friends. I can't seem to keep them either

But you don't say all that

Only

How are you?

I'm okay...you smile

The week is over, Sunday is here.

That Sunday two things happen. You bet the last of your money and win back more, your good deed paid off. You send money back home for the sisters trip and supplies, for mum's new dress and dad shirt to the cousin's wedding and you feel good about it. They insist you shouldn't have but you wave them off. You're left with enough for next week's fare, you bet again and loose the rest of it you laugh it off.

In the afternoon your phone buzzes with a message. It's drunk Jonathan

'I am sorry about last night, I don't remember anything but if I did anything wrong I'm terribly sorry. Flowers as an apology 💐'

Atleast now you won't have to make a kid out of thin air, he literally threatened to arrange a parent play date. You sigh, leave the message there. Should have asked him for a job, he's be gone by now.

An hour later, the phone buzzes, two notifications you haven't heard in a while...money

Drunk Jonathan sent you money.

'please forgive me...and lunch maybe.'

You think of reversing the money and blocking him, but you're out of groceries.

Jane.

Jane.

Jane.

Friday is such an interesting day of the week. The excitement that carries you towards the weekend is just at its peak. But December Fridays are on another level because it's December, you work in corporate, so you know they're going to let you go at around 20th, and you'll be back after the new year. So you're just looking forward to a very long weekend. At this point, it's even a holiday. That means you have less stress and that's how I was feeling that specific day. I had time to look around, appreciate nature. As hypocritical as it may sound, when I have time I enjoy the moment, I like to think of myself as someone that appreciates what is going on around me. And this specific morning, I had nothing going on other than the fact that I was at peace, it's December, it's Friday, I don't work on Saturday.

Anyway let's get on with it, I'm in the bus very early in the morning. The conductor has collected the fare, music in the background, slow traffic and most people are asleep.

He's a tall guy, and it's a cold morning, so he's wearing his hoodie and instead of a scarf, he has his shirt wrapped around his neck, he's standing by the door doing his own thing and the music playing is classic 90s-2000s rnb which I don't recognize but I hear him humming and singing along. At this point, I'm very interested in him, not in him, like, interested in him as a character. And he sings along to the song, very decent singer, I even Shazam the jam...good stuff. It was like finding a gem unexpectedly. And yes, I went on Instagram. I overused that song on posts, stories, highlights, notes, and I bet everyone thought wow she has such nice taste lol. It was interesting to just see someone so free and open and minding their own business in the morning, humming and singing. And at this point, I've romanticized my long ass ride into town and my mood is great.

Christmas decorations have been put up here and there, you can feel the Christmas spirit buzzing in the air and who I'm I to not play along, smiling as I walk by. Yada yada …Absolutely normal work day nothing worth reporting and suddenly it's 5pm, my Friday ends and I dash out of work because who wants to stick around?

I get to the stage kuna line kidogo, so I wait around just like everyone else. I don't fight for the first bus, it's Friday jioni Sina harakaaa nawacha watu wapite I get on the third one and sit down. Landed an aisle seat. And there's a lady next to me, on her phone just like me and I start to think maybe she should close that window before both of our phone go......as I'm thinking about this ….a guy comes to that window he's in uniform like the rest of the touts and he opens the window wider and she just looks at him and he smiles at her so I mind business.

He asks, "mbona umejam?"

And she says she not mad, she's just tired and she makes a face. They continue talking before he asks her kama atakula smocha and she just says, "asiweke pilipili." And he goes to buy one...I scroll through the weather app and think love is a beautiful thing.

He comes back she eats, they catch up and she's complaining about something, takes a few bites of her smocha, hands it to him he shakes his head no says he ate lunch and she eats the rest, crumples the paper and thank heavens she's not one of those that litter. She does the cutest thing ever, crumples the paper wraps it in a serviette and puts it in his shirt pocket and asks

"So sikuoni Leo?"

He says he's busy and they talk about schedules, asking about weekend plans.

He leans on the window, "utaniambia ukifika?" and she nods…. the bus comes alive, the engine goes on a few revs and they turn up the music, so she leans over and hugs him. The say bye and he takes a step back and they wave as they bus maneuvers from the stage.

And I overdramatize the goodbye but it felt like zile movie scenes where one character leaves and the other runs after the train. I'm fascinated by their dynamic and I think hmmm it must be nicer when time allows her to get into his bus instead, they can spend the commute talking and in my mind I think about valentines and I hope they get together that day. Y'know maybe he'll get her flowers and she won't know and maybe as he collects fare he'll get to her and pull the flowers from the carrier place hapo juu ya kiti and give them to her. They were so cute aki.

Lakini hii volume ya muziki jioni jameni, wazee tunaumia...mniombe ninunue gari.

.

.

I shall be using like, like and more like because of idk. Please read this as the brain rot it is and not as anything coherent, direct and polished.

Bear with me...okay kids.

Y'know what I like about substack is that I could write this in Kikuyu. But I can't write in Kikuyu, i can speak though eh eh eh? No?...okay let's get on with it

Friday morning bam! Ending the week with a bang, battled thika road traffic which is crazy coz in my mind I know Monday na Tuesday are the only days I account for to be hectic because Monday is Monday there'll obviously be traffic on Monday, and on Tuesday the effects of Monday or the week starting can still be felt. But this time Friday decided to say I'm here Beyonce✨

Anyway bottom line is, it's Friday, I'm late already but I get to the second bus of my long commute and gladly get an empty two person sit in the middle. Not too close to the front, not at the back so I don't have to take the 1000 mile walk as I alight squeezing past people, just okay not perfect. I sit down and start staring at people on the line and laugh. I'm sorry but it was funny....like now that I've secured a seat I can laugh at the rest of you. I do the same at- ohhh this is for later into the story

So I sit down yada, yada, yada, basi ndio hio inajaa quickly, too quick people are even standing on the walk way. I try to crack the window open coz my mind can clock it's stuffy and it has convinced me I can't breathe either ....but the window has no handle just two holes in place of the non existent handle. So I put my half manicured fingers (red talons a few missing) through the holes and yank it 😒 doesn't budge only threatens my remaining nails. I try to push it back and eventually sit back with a sigh, a shiny layer of sweat glimmering in my Kikuyu forehead and loads of embarrassment because it's me vs the window 0-1

But just then my knight and shining armor in a baby pink shirt moves closer and all I see is a muscular forearm infront of me biceps flexing under the shirt as he moves to help. I mumble thank you but it's too low he doesn't hear it. He manages to pry it open and asks, 'that okay'...I answer yes once it's the proper width I want, I mean I'm not trying to get my phone "borrowed". But I answer yes too late and he's still opening it farther. I then say y'know what, yeah that's good too... anxiety makes you accept everything but thank Heavens he heard my first yes and he proceeds to push it back to the exact spot that made me light up the first time. I mumble another thank you and look away hoping he heard me because the guilt of being thought of as ungrateful would eat me alive.

Well since Nairobi is Nairobi, tunapatana na jam no 2 waliamua leo unaingia kazi kama mdosi Mimi ni nani nipinge nikatulia. And we stay in traffic and stay in traffic some more, gari ata ikazimwa na conductor akaenda kuzurura. I get comfortable watching people alight to take bodas and I think 'heh Mimi I'm not paid enough for that ' besides nishachelewa already not even Uber baridi can save me or my ex's flying broom stick.

I turn to admire nature, two trees and lots of buildings, the morning sun peeking out even with the slight drizzle, and I get the urge to do what I do when I normally see beautiful things. Its first a battle of nerves and laughter I laugh when I'm nervous so yeah...picture me there fiddling with my hands as I laugh alone, no phone in sight because I don't like using my phone when traveling, I'm one of the few without a phone addiction 🙄 I'm lying I just like to pretend I'm better than everyone so I look out of the moving tv that is the window...and yes I do so with an air of superiority and oh my this story should be over by now I'm yapping

So I take my hands, sijui niwaeleze aje but I make a rectangle and I close one eye and start observing the surrounding via the small rectangle. I normally imagine it's a camera. A few seconds go by, I sit back and smile see it wasn't that hard ..I mean sure a few people did look at me like huh what's she doing but oh well... traffic starts moving ya hapo gpo y'know how they hold cars going in and out of town in the morning letting the others pass so it's a race to get there before the traffic officer decides hujachelewa ya kutosha madam.

We get to the roundabout on time and I feel bad for those that alighted but mtu wa boda pia amethukuma sooooo yeah... Ndio hao sisi tunachukua hio roundabout shwaa shwaa lala nayo dere not the point back to the roundabout I take the opportunity to look at the people stuck in traffic now on the other lanes and I stick my tongue out. Not to anyone necessarily but I'm making faces gari ikizunguka roundabout because guess who's stuck in traffic now. Ahaahaahoooo😝

Anyway my chaotic journey does come to an end…I get closer to my destination and I'm normally not one to loudly say excuse me so I just start gathering my things until the person notices oh she's getting her bag and asks "unashuka?" And I say yes ....and well he asks I say yes just like I always do and the bus takes a sharp turn and because he didn't stand to let me pass not that he should...he just scooched over.... anyway because of that as I squeeze through dereva huyo na corner yake and back I go huyo Mimi naanguka uiiii I hold on to the next seat but I manage an elbow to his face 😭 I don't even wait around just move along too embarrassed to say anything....but I really I'm sorry and thank you for the window too.

He must think she's crazy...loco...estoy loco hahahahaha

Good news though , I got to work at 9:50 hio Friday ten minutes before tea time but atleast sikufika saa ya chai. It's not the expected 8am but its decent. Bye.