This week has been good apart from feeling a little bit under the weather, it still hasn’t stopped me from doing everything and being everywhere I needed to be. I watched the magical solar eclipse with the rest of Brighton on the beach Wednesday evening, it was incredible. The energy alone from the people was enough to feel drunk on life. I didn’t manage to secure glasses so I made myself a little cardboard box and took my colander down, I’m not gonna lie it looked a bit shite lol. Luckily people offered glasses through the evening to look at different stages of the eclipse and it was just breath taking. it was so beautiful I could have cried. I felt so blessed and magical to get to witness such a thing and understand I am part of this universe . It was one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen, nature is pure magic and we get to experience it for free, what a wonderful life.

I was listening back to songs we wrote this week and honestly everything is sounding so good like I really love it. It’s flowing so nicely better than it ever has in the 10/11 years we have been a band together everything feels very important in the right place at the right time. And I am just letting the words and the melody and life flow through me with no resistance and it feels so good.

I spent the weekend with my sister and the kids Athena and Zayne. We did so much running around and screaming for 3 days it was so lovely. It is so much work looking after kids though omg by the Sunday after the joust I was like fuckedddd. Went mute for the rest of the day travelling back to Brighton whilst they drove back to Kent and I was feeling so tired from the heat and the constant caring for children that when I got home and lay on my sofa to watch evolution (incredible btw) I felt like I was floating and needed this calm. Then I woke up the next day and missed them dearly and wanted them to come back immediately, funny the way we work. But really it was such a lovely weekend, definitely harder to eat out with kids present but life feels more full and warm. The joust was soo good, they really go for it and actually hit each other pretty hard lol and it felt so good to get dressed up and also the days before just to walk to the park and run around and play so much it’s just such a fulfilling thing. Also my best friend went into labour yesterday and had her baby and it just so happened I bumped into her and her mum at 7:30am yesterday like a special little moment before it happened. Everything just feels so right! I also keep looking at the time and it will be like 14:14 or i’l wake up at 07:07 all these little signs <3

I’ll be heading back to Kent next week to see everyone again, it’s my aunt Rosies surprise 70th birthday party will be the first time I see all my extended family again since my aunt pat’s funeral. I’m pondering the thought right now of how there are so many of my blood relatives I barely know and I’m sure it’s the same for most people but it feels strange when I am so close to my brothers and sisters and there children that that was not the case prior to me anyway.. I have to take my sweet little bat-dog Trixie back to my mum next week and I really want to keep her it’s going to make me sad to not have her I love our morning walks together and it’s actually one of the best parts of my day. I leave my phone behind and listen to the birds and walk around my favourite garden. It’s like the calm grounding part of the day before my day is filled with other people.

So I just got a call from the estate agent, so apparently the lady wants the house to go to us but she wants closer to the asking price. We’ve moved up a chunk so let’s see what happens. I’m about to head off for a deep tissue massage (my fav) get my body and mind feeling even better. I’ll report back this late afternoon…. Ok I’m back holy macaroni that massage was incredible. Still no word from the estate agent and it’s Friday so I guess we won’t hear anything now until Monday so that’s like kinda gonna be on my brain like every minute!!! I’m going to make a Pinterest board over the weekend get into more detail.

We just released a reimagined version of our song Problems today. It’s very beautiful and raw and I hope the people enjoy it, we recorded 5 songs back in December and filmed the whole thing they all came out lovely. I’ve definitely taken a step back from social media lately and it helps clear the head from all the creeping doubts and expectations and I like it. I just started realising the effect of being on it less just this week and how it’s so much better for my overall being. Keeping busy helps of course, no time to doom scroll. The release of the smashing pumpkins compilation album is out today too. It’s so cool to think that we are on a super iconic bands compilation record and onto of that were amongst artists like Tame Impala on it. Like that is cool as fuck. I think it’s so easy to brush over how massive things are sometimes and I’m taking a second to recognise that is a big deal. Can’t remember if I mentioned it here last week but we’ve had to pull out of the U.S dates with Charlotte sands this September. It was financially impossible and we wouldn’t have made it back in time to pay our first headline show, it just didn’t line up properly but it will! It sucks to have to cancel something because I want to see all our u.s fans but it would have put us in a difficult position to do it. Im lucky that our fans our so understanding and have had nothing but loving comments back from the news.

Ok well I think that’s all for now I still haven’t moved on from our latest read My darling dreadful thing it has just absolutely floored me that being said our next bookclub read Boy Parts is on the way. ok over and out until next week. Love you xx

P.s can you believe it I’m a day early with this one hehe. Have a lovely weekend xoxox

I’ve found that keeping a schedule with the weekly upload is kind of challenging like a mentioned in my last insert but my plan is to just write and upload when it feels right it will still be regular but like if it’s a week overdue then that’s just what it is and that’s fine. I’m still going to cover everything that’s on my mind and how my week/s played out but just not going to beat myself up over a deadline I made up on my head. It’s just about finding those perfect moments to sit down and be with my thoughts and having that time to myself and travelling seems to be the perfect time to sit down and write so maybe I work that in around my diary.

I’m looking after my mums dog Trixie and she gave me a bit of a scare on a Saturday night at 11:30pm she started throwing up loads of blood and it freaked the life out of me and I was at home alone and I didn’t know immediately what to do. I haven’t been in that panic mode for something seriously happening in such a long time and you have to really rise above the adrenaline and worry and focus on what’s at hand I finally did that and rushed her to emergency vets where they kept her overnight and burnt a serious hole in my pocket. I was glad to be able to pick her up the next day and know that nothing was wrong. I cried and it was the first time in a long time I’ve cried, it’s more the moment I hear the voice of someone I love and I’m trying to tell them what happens is when the tears start which is the same for a lot of people i think. I wonder if it’s the familiarity of there warm voice and the knowing that they can look after you and you going to them with a problem or something that makes you feel scared is the answer to what comforts you. It was all very quickly sorted which I’m grateful for.

I’ve been on my writing streak still with the guys, it feels so good. We really are getting some good stuff. I took a moment whilst in the gym the other day to go through the ideas we’ve been creating and I was goose-bumping at the songs OMG it feels so exciting and I was imagining it on stage and eeekkkk yes. When you have something you love to do so much it feels amazing regardless of how it’s recorded outside of your control . It’s the feeling of when you are creating that is the ultimate win, because you feel magic, like.. how is this coming out of me right now and where is this coming from. So yeah if you’re doing something you love that makes you all buzzy then good for you and if you’re not right now then it’s never too late to try something new.

I’ve been waking a little earlier lately, one day i woke at 6am and took the dog out straight away and it was like this kind of sweet peaceful feeling of discovering life before the rest of the world wakes up it felt so beautiful and like a little secret. I thought ok I’m going to do this again tomorrow .. but then I snoozed my alarm for an hour or 2 haha which also made me feel good that’s my favourite sleep, that little bit when the alarm goes off and you’re not supposed to go back to sleep but you do, best bit hands down.

I spent quite a bit for time on my own last week, Al was away doing playback work and it was nice, like I think it’s very important to have solitude and make sure you get time with yourself but I definitely prefer it when he’s around, so I was happy when Al returned, I’m also so used to being with him all the time that it feels strange when I’m not. It’s kind of funny how many responsibilities you share that when one of you isn’t around you really feel it. We also just have such a good relationship and I love him so much that I want him with me all the time. We’ve been together for 11 years now and I just feel more love for him now than ever before, it just gets stronger, we learnt to understand eachother really well and of course we still have our moments but we get over things really quickly. We are a really good team.

I hung out with my girlfriends and we did some painting at my house it was so fun like I was belly laughing so hard and it felt so refreshing I forgot when I last laughed that hard. One of my best friend is due to have a baby next week so I’ve spent some time with her this past week too and it has been lovely. That’s the first of my close friends to do the baby dance and I’m really excited for her. It’s funny because all 4 of my brother and sisters all have children but out of my close friends this is the first one.

Ok time for me to get off this bus. Will report back and finish this off on my way home…

… I’m back on the bus, was in and out super quick the cyst has actually got smaller by half a centimetre which is good so I am leaving feeling positive about that :) I’m all of a sudden starving, my brain tingling with what I’m going to eat. On that note I tried a restaurant called kitgum last week and I’ve got to say I wasn’t impressed which was sad because it looked amazing from the photos. I went to my old trusty halisco for dinner with friends this week too and that’s just always good! My favourite is the fish taco so yum! I love my food so much. Like the joy I feel from eating good food is just everything so when it’s not good I get moody so if you want me happy feed me well.

I finished our latest broken bunnies read “my darling dreadful thing” it is fucking incredible. I loved every page 5/5 bunny’s!!! It talks about such dark subjects and a lot of them and still it manages to keep the most immaculate story line. Honestly just so good I recommend to all my horror lovers. I’ve not watched so much tv the past 2 weeks but i did watch a movie called obsession which I really enjoyed the main actress does an amazing job, I’ve not seen her in anything before but I’m sure i will be now. I also watched 72 hours and it was so nice and funny I really liked it a proper Hollywood feel good movie, nothing serious just light hearted and now I really fancy Marcello Hernandez like the rest of the world. Went down a rabbit hole of videos and interviews of him.. I’m just a girl!!!

I Started really thinking about the headline tour now, I really want to create a vibe on stage and I’ve had this idea and made a purchase so it should arrive next week and we are going to see if we can make it work for the stage setup and if it will fit in the van. We’ve decided to do the tour in the van again because the drives are so short and of course it would work out a lot cheaper and lastly everyone would prefer a hotel room. Especially me, I really struggle to sleep on tour anyway and especially in one of those bunks it also only really feels necessary if you’ve got a big crew and the drives are mega like we could have totally done with a bus on the e.u run we did in June but we live and we learn. I’m super excited about this headline tour I really love playing live so much and now i feel like i know how to look after my voice properly on tour I just know it’s going to fabulous!! We have decided to pull out of the American tour with Charlotte sands. We were made to make decision on the day of announcement and it wasn’t thought about properly because with the routing we wouldn’t have made it back in time for out first headline show on Belfast and on top of that touring in America is so expensive and would have put us about £40k in the hole and it’s hard enough being in a band already financially that we just can’t do that. It makes me sad to have to cancel but we would have put ourselves in a very difficult position and I so badly want to get out to America and tour and I know we will it just needs to all work out right.

So this year we have our headline tour and then supporting the pretty reckless so exciting! little trip back to the eu for that also get to go to Spain and Italy on that run which we haven’t played in a long time!

Mentally I’ve felt really good lately I have my moments where the world starts morphing going lopsided and things change shape and peoples faces start to look different but other than these little psychosomatic panics I feel generally good. I spent a lots of time this week going through video footage from the tour and syncing the live audio to it and it’s just so cool to look back on these shows there were some really special moments on that tour and I’m also really proud of how it sounds. We are all very good at what we do and appreciate the work we all put in to make that so.

Ok that’s me. I’m going to enjoy the rest of my bus journey and get back to Brighton and meet my fam. I hope you are have a wonderful week. Lots of love. T xxx

It’s been a good productive week and a half. I’ve been writing a lot and it feels good to be back in a room writing with the guys we’ve been making a song a day and I’m just letting it flow and not getting too caught up in the details, it feels right just letting it happen and the goal is that come September we will have a load of songs to work with and decide what to do next. I just have this idea in my head that I want to get an album together really quickly and just drop it like that excites me and when you feel like that about something I just got to go with it. The idea will of course get bigger and then all the finite details will have to come into play but that’s what I want to do right now. Im really in a creative flow right now and until we go on tour again that will be all I’m doing writing my heart out. It’s funny, I was sitting writing the other day and all of a sudden started to worry like what am I doing, I should be doing something, I should be working and then I remembered that is my job, my job is to create and it was strange because I felt like i was enjoying the process in my living room with my friends making music and maybe it felt good that I freaked myself into thinking I wasn’t doing enough.? I think I probably felt that for a number of reasons, 1 because I hadn’t done it in a while and I’m in the comfort of my home, 2.. social media.. and maybe a few other bits but the main take away is I’m doing exactly what I’m supposed to be doing. When i’m creating my brain takes a breather from all the other stuff I have going on. I get to enter this storytelling world and make the every day stuff poetic. The songs are coming easily and I think it must be the magic of not doing it for so long we’ve all got a lot to give. Absence makes the heart grow fonder as they say and in this case it is absolutely true.

I sat down with my manager at the beginning of the week and we had a really good meeting. Recognising how alternative and rock music is at the forefront of everything again and bands are everywhere and it’s good. We spoke about what shows are looking like for us and how we just want to play live as much as possible and I love playing live after having a taste of it again I want more!!

I saw some girlfriend’s on the weekend, we went for lunch and then some drinks, we went to a bar called the well which we like to go to when we see each other, the drinks are good and so is the vibe. I was drinking halves and they were 3.4% and I probably had quite a few by the end of it where I politely took myself home before I could get any deeper into the evening. A great decision for my future self I woke up Sunday feeling hhmmm … okay. Like I didn’t feel amazing but I got up took Trixie for a walk and then decided to just go in on cleaning my house, I get these big surges every now and then and I say now and then like once every couple months where I just need to clean and tidy the house and I was doing it for hours and by the end of it my brain felt clean too. In between this I also decided to bake. I was feeling that homely comfort pull. The smell of baked goods to make me feel better.

I’m unsure whether it was the slight hangover or the fact that my brain hooks on to whatever I could have possibly done to make me feel different but I was definitely anxious whilst in the shop, the bright lights and the crazy busy Sunday shop was a lot to take on and I had to constantly take deep breaths and really just remind myself that after this I will be in my home, safe and able to relax. Later the wave of anxiety and derealisation hit me again that evening when I was walking the dog along the beach it was such a perfect evening, warm, the sun still out and people everywhere like the beach was full of life and I remember all of a sudden just having this panic attack like where am I? and the colours of everything looked so vivid and the building such strange textures like I could touch them and they would squish I don’t know it doesn’t sound scary when describing it but it definitely felt scary so I made my way back and I think I worked out the trigger for it. I think its the idea of being alone with no one to save me in that moment it would make sense because Al was away and I think I just panicked like who would I call, what would I do, what if I collapse here right now, what if my eyes can’t see no more, its all very dramatic and my nervous system is in overdrive it seems and it doesn’t matter how many times its happened before it doesn’t make it less scary when it happens again and like I said I want to blame it on the alcohol but I’ve had that same panic before after not drinking anything at all but if dont want to make this all woe is me because I was alone the day before too and I felt good. It’s just one of those things that rears its head when it likes with no warning.

In terms of art I have been consuming. I absolutely raced through the book Unsettled ground by Claire fuller and its not my usual horror read but I really enjoyed it, it has this real heavy pull to it, it’s sad, about 2 siblings age 51 who lose there mum and then learn about the lies she bought them up on and its just so beautifully depressing I liked it a lot. I then moved on to our next broken bunnies read “my darling dreadful thing” I’m about 10 chapters in and so far it is a winner, right up my street, I love the style and the writing and I can tell its going to be a good one. I love reading so much, disappearing into somebody else’s world, imagining what people look like and places they are only by description. I think it helps me write to. Music I’m obsessed with right now in particular is the song like a stone by audio slave its strange because I think I heard it for the first time just a couple weeks ago and I really didn’t think anything of it and then I heard it again and now I can’t stop listening to It, singing it, thinking about it. I’m in love with it and Chris Cornell is of course one of the best to do it and I’m finding him super inspiring and influential to my writing right now. I started watching a new series called cape fear I never saw the original but I love the way it’s filmed, like the way the show plays is like a book and I know I’d love to read that book a good horror/thriller.

I have to say I’ve really enjoyed writing this diary entry it feels good to sit and think about things and get it all out kind of meditative feeling to it. Anyways that’s me catch you next week. Hope you are doing well. Lots of love. T xx

20th DIARY ENTRY Sunday 12th July 2026 (6 weeks worth)

Happy Sunday to all that celebrate! It’s been 5 Sundays since I wrote my last diary insert and let’s just say a lot has happened since then and I’m going to try and recount all the stand out moments today. First of all I watched the football last night and am very happy England won it’s so exciting to feel so much energy around the world for something good and it’s infectious the way it brings people together.

So I went on tour around Europe for 3 weeks it consisted half of festivals and half of headline performances and it was amazing. The shows felt so good and the new music felt good and It feels fresh and exciting to me to be able to play this new album for the fans and actually for myself. Feeling the songs out in the moment and bringing the emotion that I felt when I first wrote it but elevated because there’s hundreds or thousands of people in the room. Stand out shows for me was Paris - this was the first show of the tour and OMG it was just insane I was holding back tears for the first few songs because I felt overwhelmed by the joy and energy in the room it had been over 2 years since we last did a headline show of our own and it felt so good to see and feel that the people get it and love it just like me. Another headline standout show was Vienna, the room was just so electric.

I forgot the feeling of playing to your own crowd, there’s a trust there that we are in it for each other. I show up for you and you show up for me and damnnnn does it make everything feel alive. All the new songs have been received so well at the shows and I felt validation from it. All the festivals were amazing I had this feeling of security where I knew people were going to be there. I used to worry and think oh please be people there but I don’t feel that anymore I know there will people there. Stand out festivals for me was hurricane - this day we arrived on site with 1hr to spare and everything was a mad rush which I loved because it feels exciting to me but it stressed everyone else out but for me it’s all part of the show like it adds to the performance. Another was Tons of Rock in Oslo this was the last show of the tour and it was amazing. The crowd were so up for it and I was so in the moment of it all and it really felt like the perfect show to end on. I got to see many friends at the festivals too! It’s funny because when you start doing this you don’t really know anyone then as time goes on and you make these connections you start seeing your friends at the same shows, I got to see and watch grandson, the warning, nothing but thieves, don Broco and more and it just actually feels really good and part of a community which I never really felt like before in music. On top of that I got to watch my favourite band twenty-one pilots close out Southside festival. It was funny because I walked into catering and Tyler and Josh were just sitting there and my heart started racing and then we sat next to them with out dinner and I was trying to eat my food but was to nervous to hahahah I kept thinking about talking to them but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it haha its so silly!!!! But anyway I also watched Florence and the machine and it was so beautiful the album lungs had a massive influence on me and the way I write/sing, just her as an artist in general and the show was immaculate.

Whenever I watch artists I love on stage I get lost in the moment yes, but I also watch intently thinking oh I like the way they did that maybe I could work something like that into our set? It’s like a lesson at the same time. The only festival show that felt a little harder for me was the show in Croatia. It was our first time playing there and It was quite obvious no one had heard of us so I really had to work the crowd into becoming a fan, I have no idea if it worked or not lol maybe it was something to do with me too I felt a little sleepy that day we had done a lot of travelling and the heat was crazy. I did however jump in the lake before this Show and it was just stunning. Being on the road is really tiring and brutal on the body so taking these opportunities to enjoy the magic of wherever you are is so important because otherwise it becomes a bit of a slog just travelling, being in a green room and playing and then travelling again you have to make the most of it.

I think what makes a show stand out and feel so good is to do with the crowd energy because truly I feed of that and if I see you’re having a good time it makes me have a good time and then there is of course me and if I’m performing well I feel strong and unstoppable. When the show is really good it goes so fast and it feels dream like and I think that’s what flow state is, you’re just happening and you feel like your floating through the moment it is one of the most magical feelings I have experienced and it feels so good that you can’t hold on to it long enough because its euphoric and so special. On the other side of this feeling which absolutely happens as well is when the shows not going so well and it feels real slow and you can’t quite get completely into it and you can do all the prep in the world before going on stage but the moment you step on stage and kick into that first song determines everything.

Touring in general is just hard, the days are really long, the sleep is very little and time alone is non existent but this all disappears when it comes to showtime and I can say this about every one of these European shows. We toured in a van and there were 7 of us in total in a heatwave, where I don’t allow AC to be on hahahaha actually horrible but necessary because it dries you out so bad and takes moisture from your vocal chords and because I was being very careful with my voice as I just came out of a sickness from beginning the tour I was very strict, I also did not drink on this tour and will be strict with this on all tours going forward. From not drinking I saw the effects it had on other people in the touring party and actually was glad I didn’t. I don’t know I felt kind of embarrassed for some peoples behaviour and was a bit icky, this could have been heightened from the fact we’re all with each other 24/7.

I will say the touring party was not quite right this time, we used 2 new people and the energy was OFF!. There is an etiquette on tour and It’s so important to be a good person with good attitude (in everything you do) and defiantly when your sharing a big journey in the same space because it’s tough and you’re spending so much time together there has to be a way you handle yourself and communicate and when it’s off it’s not good. Doesn’t matter how good you are at your job if you’re not respectful and know how to handle situations then YOU’RE OUT and I can’t wait to see you never again. But you can only know these things once you try them and we live and we learn.

I want to concentrate on the performance and the mood I need to be in to have a good performance and no one else’s bullshit. On the other side of that was Adam our drummer who I just absolutely adore he is and incredible drummer and incredible person I love him a lot and hope he stays with us forever. After the tour I needed to break contact with everyone for a bit because like I said its super intense you are with each other constantly apart from maybe the 4 hours of sleep we might have been lucky to get. And honestly it was just me and 6 men so get me round some girls immediately!

So I come home back to Brighton and I take a few days off to rest and reset I go for a massage, one of my favourite things to do. and then the next day I travel to Milton Keynes with one of my besties to watch Allannis morisette which was really great but also I think to soon to be travelling again and the next day I felt it!!! I got back to Brighton my period legs had kicked in (this is something I found out is linked with endometriosis so I didn’t know not everybody had this symptom) anyway its like a really dull heavy ache in your legs. So I get off the train it’s 1pm and all of a sudden my body feels like it’s bouncing and off balance and then I start having depersonalisation and the whole day just is a wobble from there. I look at Alex and I wonder who he is and then I’m like go to sleep Theresa its the only way out so that’s what I do I nap when I get home and it kind of helps I still have this super uneasy feeling in me like something bad going to happen but it doesn’t (because that’s what anxiety and panic disorder does) and the next couple days are wobbly but my period comes and things start evening out. I always try to connect the reason why I feel like this and I think my body might have just been like “it’s time for you to rest now” but I pushed it to go out and socialise for another day and it was like no babes and then pms on top of that just threw me completely out of wack… the body gives you signs and I just keep ignoring them. It’s so strange when all of a sudden you feel completely out of your body, you never get used to it no matter how many times its happened before. Feels brand new every time and the nicest way I can put it is … it’s fucking horrible. Anyway she came out of it alive the way she always does!

So on to Family time. I hop on a train back to Kent and I stay there for 6 days. I rent a car because I gave mine to my bro who lives in Plymouth. I really like driving but only do it when I got back to Kent because number you need a car there whereas I don’t in Brighton as everything is walkable and I live in the centre. I got to hang with my uncle Billy too, he’s 77 and actually just so cool, lived a life and reads a shit tonne so my conversations with him are always eye opening and interesting. I feel like he understands everything I say and vice versa (minus the conspiracy theories) my favourite part as always though is hanging out with my nieces and nephews, they literally make me so happy. Like just being around them and their playfulness, it’s really refreshing and beautiful. I learn a lot from them and I’ve said it before but it teaches me how to be present and how to have fun without really having anything to do. I could literally hang out with them all the time but I’m definitely exhausted by the end of the day ,in a good way heart full kinda tiredness. Being at home with the family also makes me face the problems there too especially between my mum and youngest sister I find it so frustrating to the point I need to take myself away from it because so many times have I tried to offer help that never gets taken and so many times things just get worse and no one takes responsibility. I won’t go into detail as it’s private and talking about it is next level draining and I realised that when I talk about the situation it actually makes me tired and depleted of energy which only strengthens the belief in you are your words and if you’re talking about something sad and depressing you become that and if you talk about good you become that too.

So it turns out trying to keep a diary on tour is a no go and then once you stope doing something for a while its hard to find the right time to start it up again but look it doesn’t matter if you fall off as long as you get back on again!!. Same with exercising It was impossible to do on the road. I think next time we do Europe we should definitely look into a bus but my body now craving a work out so I made it to the gym on Friday and lifted weights for the first time in a long time and it felt good but I’m not going to lie my legs hurt so bad right now lol walking is not fun! But I still did it!! And that what counts.

Im off to London for a meeting with my management tomorrow going to sit down and go through everything throughly which I’m looking forward too. Since I’ve been back (2 weeks now) I’ve found it hard to get back into work mode so tomorrow is the day I really kick back into action. I feel very ready to write music again now. I keep waking up in the night with a melody and I just want to write loads of songs really quickly. I kind of want to do it this time without all the bells and whistles. Do it in my living room, record everything properly there and then forgetting about a demo just go balls to the wall with it and basically spend no money and see what happens, I think really I just want to make loads of ideas without any limitations. I’ve got the itch to create and I feel good about that. Excited about it. I’ve had more than enough time away from writing now that It has become a craving, a need. I’m not sure how we progress with our label, honestly haven’t heard a peep out of them basically since we released the album and we had everything done when we signed with them so yh not sure about that one. i think about the moment I’m waiting for things to kick off and then I think maybe I’m in the moment and it’s all happening right now around me and that made me go yeah this is it of course I want bigger and better always but also I feel kinda at peace with it at the moment which is nice. Thats not to say I don’t also sit on social media and look at what other people are doing and go wahhh why isn’t that happening to me because of course I do, I am human and a slave to the machine but I took a week of socials and I felt better for it. And now I’m back on it a little over the last couple of days and I also feel ok about it. I think it’s just getting the balance right don’t sit and doom scroll and waste your day that’s when it hurts. Do what you gotta do, get inspired and leave.

It’s nice to spend some time with Alex alone again. You completely disconnect from being a couple when on tour like that, there’s no time or space for it so it has been nice to hold space for each other again. I’m spending this Sunday planless which I think a Sunday should be anyway. (5hrs later) I went for a sauna, walked Trixie to my fav garden st annes wells x2 and had a lovely dinner AND wrote this diary.. which has taken me ages lol so I will not be offended if this is boring to you or to long to read.

I nearly forgot to say that we just released an over of The Smashing Pumpkins TODAY for the compilation tribute album. I really love the way it turned out and that band is so cool and the lyrics so dark and beautiful. We actually were asked to do it about 5 years ago and then we just heard a couple moths ago they were ready to put it out and I listened back to the original recording and was like hell no we need to do it again and I’m so glad we did! In other news we are going on tour with the pretty reckless in uk and eu in November and I am so excited Taylor is an icon!!! So lots more touring to come this year which I love to say!!!

Books and films I’ve been on lately.. So I finally finished man-eater the most recent broken bunnies club book and I got to say it was not good, just super obvious from start to finish and a very no thrills book but I did enjoy the little effort it required from me to read it like it was just there and nothing was really happening but one positive was the book was very fluid and easy to read and as much as I don’t want to give a bad review I’ve got to be honest so I won’t be recommending this one to anyone. I have however started reading “Unsettled Ground” by “Claire Fuller” and I am absolutely loving it. It has a really heavy uneasy feel to it and I’m a quarter way through already after starting the book yesterday. It stays in the mind and I need to know more like I don’t want to watch anything because I just want to read that book and I love watching t.v so… I will let you know next week how it is overall once I finish. I watched the movie backrooms the other day and really enjoyed it and was genuinely feeling scared until the blow up giant character turned up and then I found it funny but overall enjoyed the movie. I also watched that maternal instinct doc on Netflix WTF that was harrowing I did not expect it to turn like that what a twisted evil bitch so deep in the lie WOW.

Ok I think I will leave it at that. Next Sunday I will be back but with a week of info instead of 5 or 6. Hope you are well lots of love. T xx

So I’ve been feeling really bloody good mentally these past 2 weeks I’ve spent lots of time with family and friends got both sides of the spectrum. Hanging out with my nieces and nephews is my absolute favourite thing to do. I love them so so much, the way they see the world, the way that nothing really matters, the complete truth in every moment, the innocence and pure joy that radiates from them in the most simplest of moments. They really show me what I’m missing in my outlook on life. I learn so much from them. To being more present and remembering that nothing else exists but this moment. To put all my attention on the now. To give and receive so much love is a powerful thing and I think you can only get it when you become a child again yourself and they remind you that that little person is still inside of you. I use them as en example for myself now. When I’m not feeling good, maybe a lil panicky or anxious I talk to myself with love and compassion the way I would speak to them if they told me they weren’t feeling good. Because that’s all we are really, just our little self’s in our grown up body looking for all the things you needed when you were young and maybe didn’t get but now you do because you have grown up to be that exact person/thing you always needed. And THAT’S a fucking beautiful thing. This time really heightens what matters to me the most.

Now I get something totally different out of my friends but equally as good and important. You get the feeling of being known and being seen and understood because these friends are the people you handpicked as your family. I had the most lovely time renting out a manor with 12 of my friends and drinking and having dinners together, playing hours of ping pong and just feeling the love of all being together. It’s hard to get all your friends together for a weekend away now everyone’s got jobs and lives they need to tend too so it felt really special and I loved it so much. Lots of laughing and love all round. And the house was out in the sticks so we did this beautiful walk through the woods a little hungover. Infact that was quite funny to see. Everyone is in their thirties now so the day after drinking everyone was very fragile. I was glad to see it wasn’t just me haha. I felt full up on love from family and friends and it just stayed with me for the week to come. I think it’s easy to forget everything you have when it’s not right in-front of you but wow you just got to remember it’s always there and the people who love you like truly love you don’t ever stop and are there whenever you need them and you don’t need to be around them everyday I because they are in your heart.

I’ve been having some good conversations about periods lately. It is actually crazy how much the point of your cycle determines your mood and just you as a person in general. Honestly one day you look at yourself in the mirror and you’re disgusted then the next you’re like I’m sexy as fuck. It’s crazy and of course all the mood changes and the way your body shows signs of which part of the cycle you are in. I also found out that coming on and being on your period effects your voice and especially if you PMS you are likely to have this thing called PMVS which means (and is happening right now) my vocal chords bloat just like my belly does and I can’t sing as-well and I have way less energy and stamina and my voice breaks when hitting notes that yesterday I hit with no problem and today my voice gets like stuck. So yeah your period really does a number on you every flipping month!!! I think it’s important that everyone learns about it and approach with caution when someone you know is in the thick of it lol. I’ve been learning a lot through my vocal lessons and have been finding them so helpful to the way I am singing and in fact living. I’m doing it once a week on zoom and I can feel the difference.

Omg I just landed! Yay!!!! I really enjoyed this flight, felt so calm and relaxed and that’s not always me lol I’ve made it SOFIA I’m so excited to be here. I’ve decided to treat all my shows like holidays… why the fuck not right? I’m getting to go to all these incredible places and I’m doing something I love so that makes sense to me. Let’s see what you got!

I had another session with Sophie and Dimitri last week, we wrote 2 songs and omg they are sooooooo good and haven’t left my brain. It was so fun and easy like we just have this flow that just bounces off each other and it’s infectious. I love writing songs it makes me feel so good. And i wrote a Yonaka song this week with al and George too kinda by accident actually. We were rehearsing for the garbage show and all of sudden wrote a song and it felt good, it came so quickly and easy and we got a whole demo recorded. We had a good sit down at the airport and made a plan on our next thoughts going forward with writing and it’s amped me up for the next part of this journey.

Ok so it’s 2 days later and I return to my diary. I was planning on writing about the @

Last nights show in next weeks diary but it’s Friday now so I guess this has kinda turned into a 3 week diary entry. Ok so the show yesterday supporting garbage went …. AMAZING we all had such a good time and was completely in the zone. We played a new setlist and it felt really good. The show was outside and the sun was out and the breeze was in my hair, it was truly something it was kind of funny because we got to trouble follows and for some reason it felt so slow I don’t know if it was from adrenaline or placement in the set but we all felt it so will see what that’s about in rehearsals. We then watched garbage play it and then hung out with Shirley Manson and Butch Vig for a bit chatting music and life. It’s pretty inspiring to see them all playing when they are in their 60s and 70s and all Shirley’s voice is sooooo good! It made me wonder if i still want to be playing live then and I kinda think how could you not? I guess we’ll cross that bridge if I’m lucky enough to get to that. It was truly a beautiful day and crazy because butch produced some of the biggest records in the world such as nirvanas nevermind !!!! Very fucking cool. So the day was a dream. We have been looked after so well by Bulgaria. The way Europe pulls out all the stops is crazy, so different from the uk. You have someone come pick you up from the airport, they put you up in 5* hotels and the care and attention is really on another level. Me and Al got to take a stroll into Sofia city and found some delicious coffee and they let you put your own music on in there so I put Yonaka on to let the locals know what’s up hehe. I always make sure I find good coffee when in another city, it means I get to experience the place I’m in and see a little bit of the sights no matter how quickly we pass through. I used to sit in the green room the whole time and it was such a waste I think it was because I was trying to prepare for the show mentally the whole time but I ended up missing the experience of being in a new place so I’ve worked out how to balance it now.

So unfortunately I felt my voice go a bit the other day in rehearsal like I mentioned earlier it was just like the note was choked .. well I got through the show but it wasn’t as easy as it usually is and by the last song I was really pushing to reach that note in the chorus, regardless of feeling really good about the show my voice has disappeared today. Earlier in the week o thought it may have been linked with my period but actually I think I have some sort of laryngal virus, stuffy nose, dry cough and sweats.. . So anyway I warmed down immediately after the set but just from chatting my voice was breaking and so horse so I’ve gone on vocal rest because I’ve basically lost my voice. In a way I’m grateful that this has happened now and not the day of the tour because I have time to rest and recover. Going mute for a few days then will just start warming it up gradually. I have no idea why this type of thing hits me just around touring like it’s not cool but I guess shit happens. Like in myself I feel well, I’m happy and feel good but for some reason it attacks the one thing I need most to be able to sing but look I worked with what I had yesterday and now i will work with it to repair It asap. It doesn’t feel as drastic as the time it happened which is good and I have faith I’ll be back up and running again before the tour.

Ok so let’s cover a bit about what I’ve been watching/ reading. So I think I finished victorian psycho in my last entry, I didn’t know what I thought about it for a while but now I think its stuck with me so well and I keep thinking about it so it’s clearly had one effect on me. It’s really bloody good. I wanted it to be longer but yeah that’s probably just an added point to the fact it’s really good. I watched the crash on Netflix OMG that shit was crazy and sad and just I think she must have just raged in that moment and lost it and it unfortunately cost them their lives. I’ve been keeping up with euphoria but honestly I’ve kinda lost interest now. Lost its magic I guess. I’ve started reading a new book called bat eater whilst there’s a little interval before the next broken bunnies book. It’s about the pandemic and an Asian girl living in new York who’s sister get pushed in-front of a train and called bat eater like its there fault covid happened. And then she starts working as a cleaner of murder victims and they all seem to be of asian heritage and being murdered in their house and there are bats at the scene in the drain, in the walls. I’m about a quarter of the way in atm but I’m liking it.

Just got another sync in for a good girls guide to murder In fact it remember getting the request but never the confirmation then received a dm from Senn saying its on there and this time it was for predator. I just watched the scene and it’s just such a good feeling to get these things! it will never be lost on me.

I’m on the plane again now waiting to take off. Should get home about 7 I recon. I’m not making any plans for the tonight or tomorrow. I tried to move rehearsals but the studio doesn’t have the space so will have to keep Sunday and Monday rehearsal just I won’t be able to actually rehearse. I’ll be there though just running it in my head and working out different sets for the headline and the festivals.

Oh Yh I forgot to mention it was so weird I had one of my panic symptoms on stage performing yesterday it’s the swallowing one where o actively can’t swallow and my body does this jolt thing and I don’t think it could get more crazy than it happening in front of like 5000 people so It kind of gave me a bit of a fuck it mentality .. if I can do that and be fine then I can be fine anywhere. All my relationships feel really good right now and I feel very blessed to be where I am with the people I have in my life. I’ve been exercising regularly and meditating every day. Been looking after myself and making sure I’m getting what I need to feel good and making sure I have balance.

I think I’ll leave this one here. I hope you are all wonderful and enjoying life and this beautiful sunshine, it really makes a difference to wake up too like your day is instantly great. Birds are singing, big fluffy green trees from my window. Ok chat next week. Lots of love T Xxxx

x

I’ve woke up this morning feeling strange. My stomach feels a little twisted and sickly and my mind and body feel fuzzy and unsure. I don’t know what to make of it. Im trying to move slowly and I will see how I feel after my coffee. This week has had me feeling a little wavy mentally for no apparent reason but I guess that what an unstable mental state is. There’s been quite the dose of derealisation this week, feeling like I’m looking out of somebody else eyes not quite knowing wholly where I am or who I am. Honestly it is horrible and one of the nastiest symptoms to get, its not been coming on the worst but its just there lingering. And my sleep anxiety has made a bit of a return which is so strange as I feel like I got rid of that years and years ago but its been visiting me again its like this urgency attacking my body and I’m laying in this static, white noise feeling where I can’t calm my body down to match it’s reality which is laying down safe in a bed and there’s a term called “air hunger“ which I just found out the other day is the word attached to the feeling when you feel like you can’t get a full breath in, like I can’t reach the top of my inhale and that then sends me into a frenzy lol having an anxiety and panic disorder is so over the top with the most stupidest of symptoms and they really are little fuckers to live with. It’s funny the word anxiety gets thrown around with most of the time no weight behind it but I think when you living in constant fight or flight its heavy as fuck and exhausting and can be so bad it stops you from living BUT we do not let that happen! Just got to keep fighting that big ugly bitch! You know, that’s another thing it never goes away, you can get better 100% but it never fully goes away. You just find a way to live with it, to quiet the noise, to learn how to not let it become you. It’s hard and personally I’ve been battling with it for nearly 10 years now and it took a lot of work to get to where I am now and It takes a lot of work everyday to stay there. And after all that work I still struggle with it, I feel like my brains tapped and I see the world so differently and my body is in fear for me which leads my mind to fear and erghhh its so boring lol and I know I talk about this a lot but I’m back here again because that is the reality of it falling in and out but pushing through because that is the only way. I love being alive so much I would just like to feel more at ease within myself and the world around me and I don’t know what that means or the answer to that is but I’ll keep looking and try to stop looking for escape routes in every situation of my life.

Anyway I know this started pretty heavy but it’s my diary and that’s where I am at this morning. my week has been pretty good bar the incessant shadow over me. I had a really nice day in the sun yesterday me and Alex didn’t really plan the day just went and got coffee and mooched around town and then we bumped into Cassy and Tyler and ended up having a drink and going for dinner and it was so lovely, just a super spontaneous day. That feeling of not having anything to do so anything could happen. I read a post the other day about this way of living and it mentioned doing a few things to help improve your life. It had things like 24hrs of no mirror so you don’t see your reflection so you can focus on your inner self and taking yourself out for a solo coffee or dinner with no phone just be with yourself and there was one that said get up and get the train to anywhere, don’t have no plan just get of when it feels right too and I really liked the vibe of it just not attaching yourself to anything and just going with the direction of the day and how you feel a pull towards it so yeah I will be doing all of those things and I guess yesterday kind of felt like that attitude in a way. Everything was very in the moment and there’s a slight unease attached to it because I think but I should be doing this or that and that’s exactly why we need to practice more of living in the moment and seeing where the day take you without a plan and that’s when the opportunity for something lovely can arise within you.

(I should note that as I’ve finished my coffee and I’m writing out my feelings I’m feeling a little shift in my overall being - in a positive way)

The rest of my week has been Yonaka forward we have been breaking down new songs at my home getting prepared for the tour. This week we did Stay a little while longer, At the beach and Best of me. They are all sounding so good!!! I love these songs so much and whilst Best of me isn’t going to be in every set through June it will absolutely be making an appearance in some of the shows. It’s so fucking mental to sing… it’s 5 minutes long and yeah I’m training myself to be able to do it haha. I had another singing lesson this week and honestly they are so eye opening to me and already helping me so much. I learnt how to properly warm up this week and it’s so different to how I’ve been doing it for the last 10 years. So where I would be doing these exercises for 15-20 minuets all this time is like doing a 3rd or half a set worth of singing where as now I’ve learnt I only need around 3 minutes to warm my voice up and about 2 minutes to warm it down properly. I am now also in tour prep mode so I have been told to be singing for an hour a day including warm up, work out (this is my vocal exercises) and repertoire. And honestly it feels good to have a proper plan in place. Ive also learnt I need to be doing more cardio a week to serve me better on stage too and I’m hitting it baby!!!! Managed to hit my my 3 day gym goal int his week and actually I need to work out right now so pause this here..

Ok I’m back writing here like 5 hours later as I just decided to pull myself out of bed, throw on some clothes and went for a 17 minute run to the gym and sauna’d so I got my cardio and sauna in for the day and it felt good like I started feeling that little high from my run but today its not quite enough to pull me out the trenches and THAT’S OK I don’t have a crazy day I was supposed to be going out for my friends birthday but my body/mind is telling me no and I need to listen to that. So I’m going to cancel my plans and eat spaghetti and watch a movie instead and it feels good to give into that and let that be the answer to comfort. Now I don’t make a habit of cancelling plans, I used to do it all the time and you get used to not going out and it ends up just being really bad for you but you know when you need to rest and recuperate, you can feel it and I want to set myself up to have a good week. It is also a Sunday and I do really try to practice the idea of the sabbath.

I have been reading a new book this week called Victorian Psycho and I’m really enjoying it. I really like short chapters and this particular book has you wanting more. It’s funny because there is some really dreadful stuff happening in it but it all happens so quickly and gets brushed under the rug that it’s kinda funny like the main character be slitting a baby’s throat then stealing another one to replace it… obviously not funny but wild shit happening but not really made out to be a big deal. The wording was slightly harder for me to get into straight away but the further the book has gone the more I like it. Im about 3/4 in so will finish that over the next few days. I watched OPUS last night, it was really good. I feel like I need to watch it again as some of it went over my head but overall really liked it.

Ok so it is now the evening 8pm and I just want to note how different I feel now to the start of the day. I feel so much calmer, so much more connected with myself, I’m not sure what changed or clicked but something did and I really feel more relaxed and at peace with myself this evening. The last week has been hazy, I’ve just not felt my spritely self but in this very moment I DO and maybe that’s where I will leave this entry for the week. Yes, it started out low but we shall leave on a high!!

I hope you are doing well and I send you all my love. Theresa. xx

P.s oh and look at me being on time with my diary for once hehe. Xxxxx

Good Morning May. I’m checking in today from the comfort of my bed listening to “I Will always Love you” by Whitney Houston and drinking a coffee. A good way to wake up. I listened to the Dolly Parton version last night. They are both such special versions that I find it hard to pick which I like better, they both serve different moods (have I spoke about this before?) The day is overcast looks like it might rain, suits my mood perfectly i love when I sync up with the weather like we both comfort each other in our feelings. I have my period so I’m feeling heavy and slow and that’s exactly how I plan to move through this bank holiday Monday. Because of my job a bank holiday doesn’t mean anything to me anymore because really if I Chose too I could treat every Monday as if a day off. I don’t obviously but I am grateful that I could if I really wanted too, however I was supposed to be away this weekend and would have sued this day a s travel day but all ym trains were cancelled yesterday so I am still going to treat today as my off day. It got me thinking, you never know how long things will last so enjoy it why you have it, circumstances can change in the blink of an eye. So don’t take all you have for granted, love it and enjoy it. I often hear stories within my larger family of how for instance my uncles or cousins had everything when they were younger but nothing to show for it now and it’s a hard pill to swallow because how can that happen? Well that’s easy .. life and time. Things can change gradually or over night but hearing so many similar stories makes me want to act on things more immediately and while I have the means because I have savings right now to buy a house and I think if I don’t act on it now then maybe life will happen and I won’t get the opportunity again and then have nothing to show for it myself. I don’t know if I truly deep down resonate with that though because I also like to think everything is in alignment and exactly as it supposed to be but I think growing up with no money kind of does instil you with caution. Makes you appreciate things a lot when you start to make your own money and it feels good when you can live at ease and do what you want without worry. I’m so proud of my achievements and where I am today like I did that all myself, I made the decision I was going to change the way my life was and make something of myself. I had an idea and no one was going to stop me.

I watched “smashing Machine” over the weekend. It was good, had a slow pace but I enjoyed it. It made me think about how nothing is forever and all we have is now and then I thought about how we were all babies once and then children and we were so small. We relied on love and care from our parents/caregivers and how i’d like to remember being a baby, held and loved and how good it must feel and why don’t we get to remember that part? I can’t pin down what age my memories really start and its crazy that no one remembers things the same, like my recollection of a particular day in my childhood will be different to my sisters or my mums or my bothers and so on and we would all have experienced that same day completely different. The film also asserts the notion, Failing is good. It teaches you how to be better and without it wed never grow. Why would you test yourself if you were already the best. We have to lose to know what it feels like to win and when you get it right, you feel it. Failing is the recipe to being better in whatever it is you want to do, that is how we learn and we grow. Don’t get me wrong rejection hurts but it does absolutely makes you stronger. We all fall down and it’s only a matter of time until you pick yourself up again.

I spent most of my time in London this past week. I have been in writing sessions with Sophie and the giants and we wrote 4 songs in 3 days and they all felt so good. It was such a fun and easy few sessions. We work well together and we were with producer Dimitri, whom worked on my album and honestly when you get in a room with someone and it flows like that you just can’t be stopped, it’s such good feeling. It’s also hard to come across people that you work so well with so when you fine them people RUN WITH IT. Because I was traveling back and fourth every day I got to catch the sunset from the train and it was just beautiful, burning a deep orangey red and across the landscape of green fields, it felt like a gift at the end of my day.

I did have a moment or two on the tube travelling in the morning where my anxiety would try to get the better of me and id become a fidgety mess trying to focus my mind elsewhere, digging my crystals into my hand to feel something else. It’s so strange how this feeling can completely take over your whole body. It comes completely out of nowhere and then smothers you. I managed shake it off on the 10 minute walk from the station and like Ive sayid before that’s the part I hold onto! The part where I beat it and overcome it. The exposure part, running to it rather than running away from it. Hard as fuck but the only way out.

I had a meeting with the branding team at my booking agency, like Yonaka has never partnered or worked with a brand before and that is such a big part of connecting the dots on the larger scale so I feel good to have finally sat down with everyone bearing in my mind we have been with our agents for years and have never had this chat and I could go on and start picking that apart but there’s no time like the present to start these conversations.

I went to a friend’s birthday on Thursday it was so cute I drank quite a few martinis and literally just danced all night. Its felt SO GOOD!! I haven’t danced in ages and I just loved it so much and had such a good time. Also its funny because I didn’t really know anyone there and sometimes I feel like when I meet new people I can find it awkward or run out of things to say or you know run of to the bathroom for that 5th pee in 20 mins to get away but that was not the case at all and I think its because I was talking to likeminded people who are interested in the same things and connect on a level. And I worked out when those awkward conversations happen they are just not your people and it’s nothing to do with you. I am a social butterfly too! Haha you know when you think “is it me? have I lost the ability to make conversation” well no mother fucker I am all good it’s you. It’s like being in school and put into a year of 250 people that the majority you do no vibe with and will never see/talk to again when you leave but then you find the select few people that just get you and you get them and that’s all you need fuck the rest, the rest is history. So yeah I had a great time! And I danced and chatted and just let go of everything and enjoyed myself =]

God I am tired today not because I didn’t sleep well but because of this period for a day or 2 it just drags my ass. I’m just going to listen to my body and give it what it needs. Food and rest and comfort. I’ve been sticking to my no processed sugar routine until I had my cheat day last night it has actually been a lot easier that I thought it was going to be… minus last night. been keeping up 3x gym and 1x yoga a week too and of course meditating everyday. It’s just feel good maintenance and it works. Exercise is the best medicine out there in my opinion. Granted it doesn’t fix everything but my god does it take a load off. I’ve been diagnosed with combined ADHD and I had a call last week about medication and what they want to put me on but I have such a weird feeling towards medication like I don’t know. If I’m being honest the only reason I am looking into it is because of my mental health, more for the panic attacks, anxiety and depression. I wondered if the reason I had all these symptoms was because of the ADHD and If I take the magic pill I will be all balanced out but I don’t know. Fuck it I’m going to just try it and if it doesn’t work for me then I will just stop. Simple. I think life can be that simple you know like if you don’t like it and it doesn’t serve you anymore then just stop, nothing has to be forever and I think its extremely freeing to know that.

I can’t believe it’s May already like WOAH we moving fast as fuck and when I look back at what’s happened this year I think damn girl you released a whole 13 track album like what’s happened since then I almost don’t even remember doing it haha how is the brain like that. Tour is coming around so fast. We are just over a month out EEEKKKK this month is all about prep mode starting with this week fleshing out what parts the boys will play and getting new songs together, I’m thinking At the beach, Stay a little while longer and Best of me. I’m looking forward to really getting lost in these songs. Understanding them in the moment and feeling the power of the words I once wrote. We’re sitting on so many videos right now an actual music video for Best of me and then 5 live acoustic versions of songs off the album I’m not sure when they are going to rear there heads but they are all beautiful.

My mood this past week has been so good, iv’e felt so in-tune with myself and happy and like I’m on the right track and it’s been bloody fabulous. And these types of weeks I need to hang on to and remember that when things get rough that I can feel the opposite way too! and all these emotions and feelings are all fleeting but I get to feel them all and actually what a beautiful thing it is to understand all the feelings and emotions I am capable off and what a sad thing to not get to experience them no matter how bad they can feel. Anyway I will leave you with that. I have a slow day to get through, might go for a little walk now to St annes, one of my favourite places in Brighton and then I have work planned for the day but all from the comfort of my home and last night before I went to bed I made myself a list of things I needed to do and I was eager to get it all done and honestly I still feel good about going it all done today. Chat next week hope you are all well and enjoying life . Lots of love Theresa …. Xoxoxoxo MM xoxox

p.s my 16th diary holy moly. 4 months i’ve kept this up. Make a goal and stick to it. if I can do it so can you <3

15th DIARY ENTRY MONDAY 27th April 2026

Ok it’s Monday and I’m on the train home from London from a Session I’ve been in and it was great!! The ideas were flowing and the song sounds wicked. I really love writing music, that’s where I thrive and doing it for other artists tickles my brain in a certain kind of way. I feel good, I’ve felt good all day. A sunny day can make the biggest difference to your mood and gahhhddd it feels good to have the sunshine back. I feel like I need to start the diary in the morning as that’s when it flows best and just comes out of Me, kinda like word vomit but let’s get to business anyway. So I played 2 shows this past  weekend, the last acoustic record store shows and honestly I’ve fallen in love with playing acoustic. I really feel a different connection to the music I get to sing the songs in such an emotional way and I appreciate my voice in a different way, I can hear everything, I don’t have to push my vocal to get over the music. I feel so in touch with the words and the meaning of the songs and it’s really ignited my passion for that set up, also being so close to everyone In these small rooms and getting to know everyone has really been something special and I’m already wanting to play more acoustic shows so let’s see what the future brings. I’m also very aware that people want to hear best of me and so do I. I’m just scaredddddd hahah that song is such a machine, an emotional rollercoaster and Yh I just need to bite the bullet ;) if you know what I mean. We will be getting into tour prep next week, getting all the new songs ready and working out what song to start the set with eeekk making a brand new set basically. I am looking forward to it. June European run is going to come around in no time and I want to feel that feeling again that I’ve felt so many times before that euphoria, that magic. It’s funny how bad that last Brighton show went that it kind of put me off but I don feel like that anymore I’m ready for it. Just need to work out my outfits and also get a few singing lessons, the reason I want to do this is more for my technique so I’m not straining my voice and also for longevity, I want to be able to turn up and be on fire every night and my voice strong so a few tips will be within me. I took a few singing lessons end of December 2 years ago and I don’t know it just didn’t quite sink in, like the way I was being taught didn’t work for me and I think the information I needed wasn’t quite getting through.

Ok this week I finished the latest book “black sheep” by Rachel Harrison and I really liked this one way more than her previous one ‘so thirsty’! Black sheep was such a cool concept and I loved the way it flowed. It could have ended without the last paragraph in my opinion but that’s the sadist in me. I LOVED the family twist at the end and how dark it was, I had absolutely no idea it was heading that way whilst reading the rest of the book and omg it was good! I now need to work out what the next bookclub read is.

I had a very interesting meeting with an ad agency guy earlier in the week and he pointed out how the name yonaka was such a good representation of what the music meant and how it was “for people who didn’t feel seen” and how the word yonaka means midnight, dead of night. I thought it was so beautiful and wondered why I hadn’t noticed this before and how that subconsciously the name is so representative of the music and the message anyway. I then had a meeting with a guy whose basically in ad spend and how so many major companies literally just throw loads of spend behind “broad” audience requirements and cross there fingers it will work. Like it’s so crazy lazy and not thought about and then I heard the story about the band geese and how they’re currently going through backlash because they didn’t know there mgmt or label or whatever had set up like 1000 bot accounts that were constantly posting them, I mean who didn’t have geese coming up on there feed.  But look it fucking worked and at the end of the day that’s marketing and I need someone to do that for me lol. But Yh the industry is so interesting there’s so many nooks and crannies of things you got to get right. And the shit some people tell you like you’ve got to be posting 10x a day like stfu who the fuck has time to do that? And that’s literally soul crushing. Unless of course you hire a socials team or something to do it then it’s literally your job. Omg get this, we looked at hiring a social team media team just before putting out the album to help with posting, it was just a meeting, i wanted to see what they would do differently. Anyway they come back saying for 3months socials help it would cost 20k I laughed and of course never saw them again. I mean like that is a joke. I’ve had a good view change towards socials this week just thinking more fun with it and not letting it take up to much time and emotion. Yes I want it to be good but not to the point it causes me stress. The internet ain’t worth my wellbeing bbz.

I went out last weekend (not the one just gone) and got actually very drunk, put away like 10 beers and weirdly wasn’t on the floor. I had a fun time there were a couple of unnecessary heated moments with my friend but it was all brushed under the rug super quick, I think sometimes when there’s a lot of alcohol involved there can be crossed wires on the way things are said but overall it was a really fun night. I also think that you should be able to have uncomfortable conversations and keep your cool, people can have different views it’s normal, we don’t have to think the same and actualy it’s refreshing when someone can educate you or make you see a situation from a different viewpoint it’s good for the brain and you as a person. Oh Yh so I ended up inhaling a a ballon or two and I hadn’t done one for like 10 years siting in a field at a festival but it was actually just fun and last like 30 seconds. I woke up with a very sleepy hangover, like I was so sleepy it kind of masked the anxiousness I’d usually feel. So I had a very lazy day and watched so much curb your enthusiasm, a comfort series.

Later in the week I went out with some of Al’s school friends for dinner and they are all so sweet and funny they kind of remind me of the inbetweeners but with Essex accents. We usually go to bincho (btw one of the best restaurants in Brighton) but we tried somewhere else and it was pretty meh called taps loco so if you’re thinking about going,, maybe don’t. One friend who was down I used to live with and he’s very depressed, unfortunately has been for many years. It’s hard to give advise to people who are depressed because of course when you’re depressed nothing seems to work like how you know, things taste different, things you once found funny fall flat, the world looks distorted and joy is a hard thing to come by. But the only way out is little steps. Small changes that bring something new. I mean of course everyone is on their own path mentally but you owe it to yourself to try and get better. ❤️‍🩹

We had a meeting with out label. It was good. I have high expectations for anything so I wanted to release the album and have it explode but I believe that everything is in its right order and I trust myself and the journey I am on. The meeting went well lots was said and now it’s just implementing all the things we spoke on.

I have mentioned this before but I’ve been using the “something wonderful is going to happen to me today” mantra everyday and something wonderful really does happen. From small things to big things. So I recommend to anyone to start doing it. I put it in my meditation then i’ll just say it though out the day whenever it pops up for me. I’ve been back In working out and meditating and I’m really feeling myself this past week. Oh I have made a decision to cut sugar for a minute though I made this decision whilst sitting on the train eating a crem Brule doughnut lol so I’ve done 4 days so far… GO ME! Still eating natural sugar but I got a sweet tooth and she knows no limits. Im gonna give myself a cheat day like the rock does but I’m just gonna let my body choose that day when it comes. Most probably around my period which is like a week away.

I have a busy week this week mainly in London for these sessions with Sophie and the giants and we were talking today about how important it is that you listen to your heart and create for yourself and not what people expect you to make. It makes all the difference to your art.

There was stress with my family this week. My sister has taken my nephew out of school and he’s such a social little butterfly that it just makes me sad and I can’t see why she would have done it for anyone but herself so we had a big chat/argument. And then my mum she hasn’t left the house in so long and any time she says she going to do something she doesn’t to the point where if she’s did the things she she was going to do I would be in shock. It’s hard to rant about family issues as much as I want too it’s just fills me with guilt to think and say this out loud but it’s how I feel and I’m not even touching the sides. So I guess I need to work out who deserves the respect more my true feelings or my guilt.  there is some serious work needed between my mum and my sister but none of them are willing to do it. And I feel like I’ve tried for years to help and it never goes anywhere I’m not sure what happens next to be honest. Anyway. Me and Alex are really good and I feel really good about the band and I’m ready for a big year ♥️

Ok I’m nearly at Brighton now and am being blessed with the most incredible sunset from the train window. The sun is a dark orange and huge and there’s pink and blue streaks throgub the sky. I think nature is the cure for pretty much everything. Anyway love you chat next week xxx

What a difference a day makes. Out of the dark and into the light I go. Woah I Lost myself for a minute there. Ok so yes I actually was quite depressed for 2/3 weeks or so. It was strange I almost didn’t catch onto it until it was too late (not that I could have done anything anyway). When I was back home my mum asked me if I was ok because I seemed distant and different to my normal self and I was like I’m fine but I actually wasn’t and I blamed everyone around me (exhibit A. My last diary entry lol) for the way I was feeling but the truth of the matter is I had already entered the void so everything became heavy and hard to deal with but it wasn’t a result of my surroundings it was just already there in me and it was latching onto everything I see and know and turning it into a negative. I’m not completely removing all my thoughts and feelings of how I felt and how effected I was from he enemies etc but I’m just saying because I was already in a bad place everything seemed 10x worse and unmanageable for me.

This week I come with better feelings and a brighter view. I went to Marrakech with Alex for a Holliday and honestly it was incredible. what a place. So much life and hustle and bustle. The sun was shining 30degrees and I was in a new place with all new experiences and it was exactly what I needed. I didn’t buy a sim so I had no signal or internet unless I was at the Riad (and that was just to sleep) and I needed it, not to be sucked into my phone and other peoples lives that have absolutely no effect on me until I see it through a screen and then question my own life.. so fucking stupid. Like you never even meet these people so why feel such a strong emotion. Anyway back to it.. The way people live out there and the culture, it made me see life in a different light again. It was fresh and I found everyone to be so happy and inviting and there were so many beautiful colours that made you feel warm and soft. I saw some crazy sights. I visited the waterfalls on a guided trip, they were so pretty they didn’t look real, I saw how argon oil was made and took the most scenic drives along the way. One thing I will say about myself though is I am quite impatient and this was in a group setting so I like to move at a quick pace but its not possible when you’re on a tour but if that’s the only bad thing I can say then I’m winning and just know to do it on my own next time rather than a group of randoms lololol. I saw a gazzilion cats in the street, cobra’s and snake charmers, camels etc it was like a circus of life and it came alive in so many different ways throughout the day and night I just really loved it to be part of this other world for a minute. the best food I ate were the street snacks in particular the msemen which would cost like 80p and I had a traditional hammam treatment where they scrub all the dead skin from he body and honestly it was INCREDIBLE. I truly had such an amazing time and recommend anyone to go and experience it. The best spot is the Medina, it is crazy busy all the time and the way people shimmy though the small lanes and all the mopeds coming through is impressive and you get the hang of it after the first hour. I bought lots of goodies, bags and ceramics and oils and yeah I LOVED IT. It really was the medicine for me to break the cycle of feeling so shitty. I read that a while ago actually that when you dont feel too good and everything feels heavy and passionless that to change the routine is helpful and it can be really small steps such as s take a different route to work, talk to a stranger. Just doing something a little different to the usual way.

So yeah I’m feeling a lot more happier this week and it feels good. Im back in Brighton now sitting in my bed writing this, the sky is blue and the sun is shining and I’m drinking coffee and it’s nice to wake up and have a more relaxed start to the day. I was planning on going to the gym but opted for a slower start instead and it’s the right decision. I’m going to run myself a bath and meditate then go meet a friend for some catch up time.

I still don’t feel 100% about the way Yonaka is moving right now. I’m not completely happy with the way the album launch went and I haven’t heard a thing from our label since it came out which is over a month ago and quite concerning. We are having a meeting next week so will report back on how that goes but when releasing an album the work really starts once it’s out and there should be marketing plans and weekly conversations about how each song gets attention and pushed throughout the campaign. This is always a worry when it comes to works coming out that it gets pushed aside once it is released but this cannot be the case I will not allow it. This album has a long life ahead of it. I guess I just need to fall in love with making things for it again too. There’s lots of moving parts and everything has to be just right.

I am wanting to write music again. It’s there in me! It’s been stirring and coming out in melodies at night when I’m laying in bed, in poems and lyrics and that’s one good thing about the depressive spurts, they bring an insistence for saying something. The heaviness and emptiness bring a creative thought. And now I want to write music. Now I am ready.

Ok I think that’s all I got for this week. It’s funny how when I’m sad I have so much to say but when I feel good not so much, it’s the same in music. All my music comes from a darker place. I wonder why that is? When we are content we have little to express maybe that’s what it means you don’t feel the need to go on and on because you just feel good and revel in that but when you’re sad you need the outlet to be your saviour especially when things don’t taste the same, feel the same. Everything becomes alien so the need to write out how you feel becomes the only thing that is able to sooth you ever so slightly or to let you know this is really happening, how you really feel. Ill be looking into therapy again next week as although im feeling a lot better I feel some old stuff creeping back in including anxiety/panic at night before sleep and I can’t be letting that come back.

Anyway let’s keep up the good vibes. I love you. See you again next week. T xxx

Where Is my head at? It’s a difficult one to talk about I guess. I honestly am feeling a little bit lost, I feel indecisive like I don’t know what I want to do with my life. I feel like everything has slowed down and I don’t know what to do with myself. Im searching for passion within myself and coming up empty handed. I haven’t written music with yonaka for what feels like a really long time and in reality it is. I think its been about a year since we wrote anything and where I’m always so sure like I about what to next, what to write what sound like, this constant creation inside my brain, this emergency to share my ideas and thoughts is just not here right now.

I have been writing music with other people and it feels good when I do it but I feel like I’ve come to a bit of a crossroad or something with Yonaka. I think there’s a pull to it that there’s like 3 of us in the band but the want and need for it feels mostly like it’s coming from me. If I dont arrange things to happen or say yes then it doesn’t happen. I definitely have a problem with it not being a priority for everyone involved, like missing meetings because you are at another job or something but at the same time I totally understand that everyone is a grown up and has there own shit going on in there life and also have more going on then the band but my brain struggles to understand. Sometimes Feel like I’m in a boat that people don’t particularly care if it sinks or floats. But I know that’s not true and people drop things to do this but my brain is difficult to me sometimes. I guess maybe im projecting (hard to admit) and even harder to notice when you’re doing it but maybe that’s what’s happening. I feel like I dont know what I want to do right now. I dont know how I want to move forward with my life in this moment. Most of my work at the moment is online and I think it’s sucking the life out of me, I also might just be spiralling but every time it happens it feels brand new like ive never been here before. I guess I just feel sad and I want to cry but my body won’t let me just cry my fucking eyes out. Why? Why is it so hard to cry unless someone dies or something that can’t be my only cry time mother fucker.

I’m late writing my diary this week, I went back to Kent for easter and spent like 5 days with my family. It was really lovely but it was also really exhausting. I loved hanging out with the kids so much they are just so full of life and energy and everything is just fun and wanting to play games. Dont get me wrong that is hella tiring too and I take my hat off to anyone with kids because that is a 24/7 kinda job and not for the faint hearted. I did really enjoy hanging out with all the adults too my bothers and sisters, there partners, my mum and aunt etc and Alex. But I also found it really overwhelming and stressful. There are just so many clashes and personalties and the ways people like to do things and making plans that don’t happen and so much more deeper stuff that I dont think I can go into right now but there’s a lot of shit going on back there and it kinda just made me exhausted and moany and I dont really feel like im that type of person naturally. It was hard to make plans with everyone and people love to moan about each other and say weird stuff but it’s like I know I do it too. I just feel like it can be a really negative energy and I work hard on myself to be positive so I think it just bought me down a bit more and I was already teetering on the edge.

I’ve also been having the most stupid random panic attacks like I had one on the train to ashford and then actually that was the last one I had for like a week but omg its just like leave me the fuck alone. It’s so strange how when you don’t feel good things start to go wrong around you like I had to get the train back to Brighton on Wednesday for a hospital appointment, baring in mind I have to go to haywards heath for it and this Is my second time going as the first time they didn’t book my scan in.. basically I have endometriosis and had cysts on both my ovaries that I had removed in surgery about 7 years ago but I have one again on my left ovary so its to measure the size of it and see if its stable. So back to it I’m here for the second time and the fucking nurse doesn’t show up. I ended up travelling and waiting around for 5 hours from ashford to brighton and spent like £50 on transport I was just like fuck sake and also this day is not for me I need to take a nap.

The next day I get myself to the gym, meditated and booked a deep tissue massage and just gave myself the day to find myself again through self care and I calmed my energy back down to a good spot. I did an interview for summer punch festival and then we got pinged a message from our agent asking if we wanted to do a last minute show in brighton called homegrown on Saturday. I immediately felt in myself YES I want to do it … no I NEED to do it. I need to feel that spark, that energy and checked everyone was free and now we are doing the show tomorrow!!! Had a quick rehearsal today and im actually really excited. Like we haven’t been offered a show that quickly in a while that you second think yourself and are like can I do this and its like OF COURSE YOU CAN! THIS IS WHAT YOU DO! Your job if you like. All this ranting and typing it out is actually taking a load of my chest and I feel a teeny bit lighter.

I keep going to socials every day and just drawing a blank, I don’t know what to say/post. I don’t have anything to say right now. But then im scared of losing momentum but then does it suck to just post for the sake of it or is that exactly what it’s for.? And then if im posting for no reason and people dont show up then i feel shit so maybe this is the answer Theresa. If you have nothing to say then don’t. Nobody cares it’s not that deep. It’s Such a strange relationship with this beast. Maybe it will come to me, I do find I go through bursts of posting and then I stop I just literally don’t know what to do and it’s showing in everything I’m doing right now. I think I just hit a low. I feel shitty and that’s that, I hope it will pass. Im sure it will.

Im going to be scared to post this I feel like it says to much that should be kept to myself. Might hurt peoples feeling if they read it. But also it’s how I feel and I won’t always feel like this I want to take responsibility for the way I am taking these experiences in and seeing these people. My nearest and dearest are annoying me but I guess that’s the way it goes we can pink get mad at those closest to us. I felt a distance in my relationship over the past few weeks lots of stress and no fun. I feel like when you have been together for so long that it almost feels acceptable to not do the simplest things which usually are the things that go a long way. But here I go again he made dinner for me tonight and tidy the kitchen those are nice things to do and he does this stuff a lot. I think nobody could do good in my life right now because I’m in a dark hole. I long for conversation and connection but I don’t know if I could handle it at the same time what if it’s not exactly how I want it in my head. Maybe just a really massive fucking hug would do the trick.

You know let me dive into the good things it was nice to see my mum out of bed and having fun. It was lovely to see the sunshine and smell sun kissed skin (I love that smell) it was the best to hang out with all my nieces and nephews they bring so much light into this world and to me I really feel so happy when im with them, it’s such an authentic experience that can’t be faked and i love it the most and that’s one of the reasons. I got to meet the newest baby of the family Hunter. I got to see all my brothers and sisters and it’s been so long since we were all together it was actually bloody lovely. It’s really hard to get everyone tougher as you get older and we did it even though there were issues we still kinda did it. I went and hung out in folkestone for the first time in years a place I spent my adolescence and growing up. I think I had been anxious about going back for so long I never did but omg it was so nice to go back I actually miss it. I have so many memories there and its really put so much money and work into it and its just great. I will definitely be going back more. Its funny how getting to a certain age you just want to run away as far as you can and have little to nothing to do with the place you come from but now I’ve felt the nostalgia again I love it I mean I really had a nice time just hanging around with my brother. I got to drive. I always do when I go back because you need a car there but I dont have one in brighton because I dont need one and it costs loads to park as I live in the centre but I loved it I want to do it more. I got to see some of my cousins. I drank beer, I made some delishious lamb and focaccia bread and a chocolate cake that got demolished. I actually had a really lovely time I just struggle being around people all the time and I get overwhelmed with different energies and ways of living and I feel like I live in such a bubble that I can’t understand why people would do things differently to me. My brain can’t hack it and then my energy gets drained and I start to find everyone annoying and you know the cycle.

Im going to pause it there. This is going to be a long one, It already is. I just finished watching the series “something really bad is going to happen” I loved it!! I so love horrors like that. It’s exactly the type of book I like to read and talking of books im 2/3’s through our latest bunny read “So thirsty” and I am really enjoying it. It’s not as good as slew foot who btw the author replied to my post and said he just heard my music and my voice is beautiful so yes I was on a high from that but omg slew foot was so immaculate that this book although is good and involves vampires feels a little more basic BUT I am liking it and you never know how I will feel by the time im at the finish line. I guess I just feel like it’s quite obvious in places with the dialogue. Ok time to sleep. Kisses. xx

Sunday morning.

What am I doing? I don’t understand where my drive and passion in right now, I played a show last night and it felt like going back in time. I didn’t really enjoy the show, I couldn’t hear anything and I just couldn’t wait for it to be over. I regretted having friends there because I just wanted to go straight home after it but had to put on a face and hang out and stay out til like 2am when I just wanted to sit by myself and understand these feelings and why it was happening. I already didn’t feel great about where I was and the show just made me doubt myself even more. Like there wasn’t really anyone there and it was just like not the one honestly. I don’t remember the last time I felt like that but at the same time it’s like a kinda empty just like whatever feeling. This isn’t normal!!!! I have to remember this will not be like this forever. I’m not myself right now. Things will get better .

I don’t know if I want to do this anymore but what the hell else am I going to do. I never felt my age was a factor until this last week and I’m second guessing things. I don’t know I feel distant from who I am and my core or maybe this is my core speaking. I don’t like this feeling so much uncertainty and sadness, losing grip. I went out last night and drank 2 beers I didn’t want to drink so why did I drink them? I feel tired not just today but everyday lately I feel exhausted.

My job makes me sad. But it makes me so fucking happy too and I think after speaking it through with Alex I have something to maybe pinpoint this depression dip too. I feel like everything was going on and I was out there with you interacting sharing special moments, giving and receiving love on a big scale and then BANG I’m at home alone and it is so fucking strange and I feel like everything has slipped away, it probably sounds stupid but the high is so high that when it’s not there everything drops. I don’t really think all that stuff I said in the beginning I just have a problem with everyone and think everyone doesn’t care but me and think everyone else is the problem when it’s quite obviously ME. I have trust issues and I hit this dip every now and again and everything feels hard. Like EVERYTHING feels difficult. I don’t even remember the very moment i started to feel like this, this time. I know I wasn’t quite right when I went back to see my family… I love my family dearly even through everyone’s differences. I think for a week before that trip I was slipping under. It makes me so sleepy but when I go to bed I can’t sleep, it’s a viscous game. I’m going on holiday tomorrow. I’m actually really excited for that. Going to turn off from my computer Internet life and just really be in the moment and enjoy myself. I’ve never been to Morroco it looks so beautiful. I booked a trip to the waterfalls, a new perspective maybe that’s what I need. Tasting the sun this week in England has been so nice I can’t wait for it to kiss me once more. I guess there is so much to my feelings the carrot is being dangled and taken away in many areas of my career I guess that’s just the way it is or maybe it’s just exactly how it’s supposed to be. Well that’s a different way to look at it Theresa. Snap out of your slumber I am here waiting for you my love, I love you. Xoxox

It’s funny how things change as you get older or maybe it’s just a case of things running its course. Like I did all my wasting away drinking and taking drugs all the time in my early twenties when things weren’t as important or urgent to me and I did it for so long that I got bored of the feeling after the party so much that when I think about it now it kind of sends the heebies up me a bit. I think when I first come to Brighton at 17 I was so excited as you are as a teenager wanting to explore and understand new people, a new place. I really discovered myself after coming to Brighton from folkestone. I made all my best friends and partied with them and just had a great time. There was this place called kings mansions on the sea front and that’s where so many people from uni lived and we would just have the craziest parties there all the time that would go on for days. The ceiling caved in once and someone jumped out the window and broke both their legs. drugs were taken and secrets were spilled and it was honestly such an exciting time for me and one of growth where I realised there were things id buried deep and never told anyone before that were actually effecting me and I needed to heal (that was a lot later we did the actual work) I wouldn’t change anything..it really opened me up as a person and I learnt a lot.. until I didn’t, years went by and everyone was still doing the same thing, it was like they couldn’t move on from this time and I knew this was not where I wanted to be so I stopped hanging out with a lot of those people and started working properly on music and that’s not to say I stopped all together and didn’t get up to mischief, I just picked my timings better and was more focused on this new way of expressing my self which was music.

Music was and always has been the driver and joy to my life since I was a little girl it was always music for me, more specifically singing. I always knew I wanted to sing and it has never changed not even for a minute. I went to a music university and all my friendship group was doing the same thing, everyone wanted to be in a band and do it for real but its crazy the fall off because out of the 50 friends that were at uni I think I can count 2 projects that made it out of all that and who are still doing it today. It’s not easy that’s for sure, it’s an endurance test, its uncertainty, feast and famine from year to year, no right answer. But it’s also the best feeling in the world when you get it right and get to share these special moments with people all over the world. So really it’s worth all the risks and all the times it didn’t work for it then to shine through. I wouldn’t change it for the world. I know it’s a luxury to love your job and I really do and I’m so grateful for it, it can be challenging as fuck but I live for it.

Ok so that opening paragraph was from yesterday morning when I sat down to get it all out and I started of great and then I realised I needed to leave the house as I had plans so here I am back the next day and I’m kind of glad as I wanted to talk about the panic attack I had in the gym yesterday. It was pretty rough. One of those ones you feel like you’re not ever getting out of. Couldn’t Catch a deep breath, couldn’t swallow, my body felt alien, especially the feeling in my face, my lips felt different and my mouth was very dry but these are all very common symptoms. So I actually had finished my work out and I went to the changing room and looked at my stuff and wanted to run. But I made plans already, my plan was to sauna now and then meet friends round the corner straight after. I thought about running home and ruining my plans and the whole rest of the day but I thought NO! fuck that!!! Theresa you’ve got this.!!! You’ve done it before you can do it again. It’s uncomfortable but it’s not dangerous and it will pass. And I will be so fucking proud of you if you stay and sit with it rather than run away. And I actually I then put my song “Stay a Little while longer” on and listened to those words and although I didn’t write them from that point of view it was exactly how I needed to hear it in that moment and it was fucking powerful.

I stayed, I sauna’d, it was uncomfortable but I did it and by the time I was In the shower it had gone away and I honestly I felt so accomplished. I met my friends for Cassy’s birthday and hung out in a cat cafe and then I bumped into Si and Pete from Don Broco at the coffee shop and hung with them for a bit and it was lovely. Went and watched their show later on and it was so good. They’re such a good band and it really got me so hyped for touring in the summer playing all the new songs. I really think it’s going to be amazing.

Over the last few days me and Alex have been working this smashing pumpkins cover we were asked to do which is going on a compilation album of other artists covers. We actually got asked to do this a long time ago, like 6 years ago so we did already have a version recorded but now there finally ready to put it out I listened back and was like hell no we need to do this again and now today (Tuesday) is the final day to make changes so we’ve just been going in on it and it sounds wicked. I never really heard much Smashing Pumpkins until a couple years ago and it’s so cool, he has such a unique voice and the production is really interesting, yeah I’m a fan!

Ok what else has been happening this last week we started a new book in book club called So Thirsty by Rachel Harrison and honestly it’s hard too put down a vampire inspired story (my love for vampires of course sells this book to me immediately) I’m half way through now just from one sitting and I’m loving it!!! Iv’e found it’s generally best to let the club pick the books because I’m a relatively new reader only the past 2/3 years have I become like an avid enthusiastic horror reader so I’m kind of new to all the books and I feel like that’s the whole point of having a club right so you can all get involved and it’s not one person saying what to read all the time..anyway I love it there really hasn’t been a bad book in a long time and it’s fucking fantastic!

Oh btw the Bristol show went amazing!! Eeekkkk I think it was my favourite of the run, having the weekend off gave me a new burst of life and I was so eager for it and also I just felt really good on that stage and I missed it. it was kind of funny as there was no green room so we were kinda just hanging out in the record store before going on and it was actually just funny. I loved it so much and I got too see my bother which was lovely as he lives like 5hrs from me so don’t get to see each other that regularly and we get on really well so its always great.

I kind of took Tuesday off as I had to travel back to Brighton from Bristol and didn’t actually get back til like 4 anyway. Ok Wednesday me and George go to London and we go to radio x station. So basically this is the global building in Leicester Square and it houses like 9 different radio stations and were waiting for the lift which is taking forever so we decide to take the stairs only to find out if we had waited for that lift when the doors opened Craig David would have bene in it so I was kind of annoyed.. it was a Wednesday aswell…. Ahahaha. Sorry, right the radio interview was great I got to talk about how I had grown/changed since writing DWTT til UYS and it felt nice to open up about that and just think about what that meant. I then felt uber cool listening to it air yesterday from my living room. a kind of Pinch me funny moment.

Thursday I was in London again this time meeting my friend Karen poole for a writing session. We have known each other and worked together for a long time, I’m talking like 11 years. Infact I actually started a project with her at the same time I started Yonaka and I had to choose between the two as I could only move forward with one at the time as both projects were looking to be signed, of course I chose Yonaka and I’m very glad I did and me and Karen have a separate project active right now so it all worked out and you can absolutely have the best of both worlds. The session was really good, I can’t really say what it was for yet, only when, I guess if it comes to fruition and if it doesn’t then I’ll tell you about it in a future diary hehe we got 2 ideas down and were working with these producers called Punctual who were amazing btw. I had made 3 different plans after the session to got to shows that evening that I got option paralysis and I decided to go to none lol. Just got the train home tbh we finished at 7:30 so I didn’t get home til like 10 pm anyway.

The rest of the week was smashing pumpkins and seeing friends, I went for a lovely walk on Sunday and fed a cow some grass haha it was very sweet its tongue was so long. I’ve been keeping up my exercise routine and meditating every day just things to ground myself and keep me a little less bouncing off the walls. This rest of the week will be a little slower and I’m going to head back to Kent to see my family for easter, can’t wait to hang out with all the kids and just remember how nothing really matters that much and just have the most fun ever. Which I try to do and hope you do too. Ok I’ll leave that here.. over and out. See you next week. Hope you are wonderful and I love you xxx

x

10th DIARY ENTRY Monday 23rd March 2026

Well hello, turns out we’re starting this diary entry on a train again.. this time to Bristol. We have another in-store show this evening after having the weekend off.

OMG where to start, so I guess I’ll just go in with YONAKA got a number 1 U.K rock and metal record … a number fucking one!!! Do you know how crazy that is.? And on top of that incredible result we also got number 2 indie record and number 25 in the overall official charts. Honestly It feels so good to know that we made this work and it has won this achievement (just an FYI to get a top 40 record in the U.K you have to have sold 3400 records we sold over that to get placement 25 and were sandwiched between 50 cent and pitfall just for context ;) ) So we are going to get a little award for being number 1 GAHHHHHH haha I don’t think I’ve ever won an award in my life and I know its not the be all and end all of everything but I feel so incredibly proud of myself and so grateful for the love and support from everyone to make this achievement possible.

So the results came in on Friday morning and I know the world was getting annoyed with me pushing my record on them day in and day out but seriously who else is going to do it! I have to be my biggest supporter if I don’t believe in it how can anyone else.? Ok so im in the gym Friday morning and Im in this Big group text with my label and management and im timing my work out perfectly to be finished for 11 (time of results) and then it gets pushed til 11:15 haha so I had enough time to throw in another workout. I mean I couldn’t just sit still it was too much. And then yeah we find out and I’m over the moon. And literally this is all because the people out there believe in it too and bought the record it such an overwhelming feeling of love and joy and honestly for the rest of the day I was just walking on air I really spent it mostly alone in my room just going through the motions having a couple tears of joy and letting the week sink in.. its been a great week!

On top of that we have been playing the in-stores this week we did Southampton, Brighton, Liverpool and Birmingham and they’ve all been such amazing. The more they’ve gone on the more stronger the voices are getting for singing the songs back to me, Liverpool gave me goosebumps because they sang Trouble Follows word for word. I was in shock, it felt so good like I was flying of my seat a little, we weren’t supposed to do a signing for that show but I just asked at the end if anyone wanted to and we did an impromptu one and it was lovely. Then the same thing in Birmingham the people’s voices piercing through, it literally just makes me so happy. I really love doing this so much and singing the songs in this stripped back way is beautiful. Don’t get me wrong though it’s actually way more scary, like there’s nothing to hide behind and I’m not really moving around like I would on an electric set as I’m sat down on a stool so its a very different way of performing but I love it all the same I just think its like triple the nerves hahaha like in Brighton the lights were fully up and I was sat on the till basically and its just mad being that lit up and aware of your surroundings.

Meeting everyone Is such a sweet and rare experience too like really getting to enjoy a moment together after the show just lovely stuff. also my niece got see me perform it was her first gig she’s 1 and a Half and she was just on my sisters shoulders the whole time just loving life. Soo cool to see kids at the show. I love that so much about our fan base that its so inclusive and you can get the whole family down <3

Ok what else has been happening this week, I mean the shows and first week of album release has kept me pretty busy, I’m enjoying seeing how the album is being received and peoples favourite songs. We’ve been taking the train everywhere and it’s actually been so nice. apart from that silly panic attack I had on the train from Liverpool to Birmingham. It’s really so strange how these things come on like there is absolutely no reason for me to feel like that but this impending doom and worry hits me like a tone of bricks and all of a sudden I can’t take a deep breath, can’t stay still, can’t figure out what happening to me. I’m planning my escape like if I get off here what happens then. Its the most evil little invisible monster ever and like even trying to describe it right now I’m reading it and it doesn’t sound bad at all but in the moment and for me that day in the 40 minutes it lasted its literally all consuming and terrifying. I’m trying to find answers to why it happened and I think that kind of makes it worse because i’m trying to attach something to it but the fact is I can be the healthiest, most exercised, meditated hoe out there and it will still find a time to come get me, it could be to do with being overwhelms maybe a little with all the crazy stuff happening (here I go again trying to find an answer.) I think the main take away is that I GOT MYSELF OUT OF IT. Yes it was horrible and I thought it was never going to end and I was sinking into oblivion but it eventually stopped and I calmed myself down. I Just went deep into meditation and put binaural beats on and then calming frequencies. It’s not easy to sit with at all but I keep trying until I manage to stay. Ok I shake out of it and the rest of the day goes well. You know though one thing about having a panic attack is that the rest of the day you just feel knackered like it uses up so much energy that it kind of just exhausts you. Anyway enough of that.

I managed to get to the gym 3x this week, I’m back on my routine! Did some yoga today as I needed time this morning to get ready for tonights show but will be visiting that gym quite a few times this week to keep on schedule and this cute thing happened, as I was leaving the other day the gym manager congratulated me on my album and the chart position and I didn’t even know he knew I made music so that was a lovely surprise.

Ok so the weekend just gone you know we had to celebrate this past weeks achievements so my manager came to Brighton and we went out for dinner and drinks. We went to a restaurant called mare and omg it was fantastic I then proceeded to drink about 10 margaritas and a glass of champagne and don’t remember getting home. I do remember being in the grand hotel and getting told of for being too loud though which is honestly very true to what usually happens to me. I think I’m kinda loud anyway but get a few margaritas in me and I become a foghorn. Its not my first time being told off for being to loud lol.

So I woke up yesterday with an absolutely terrible hangover and just didn’t leave my house and had a shin cup for breakfast.. it’s funny those things are so spicy usually but when I’m hungover the spice Is like halved haha I then proceeded to take a nap and woke up still tired and still hungover. I feel like I was still kinda happy though because so much good stuff is happening and I feel so good that yes I was wiped out by my hangover but I still had this little joy in me. If I’m being honest today there’s is still a tiny little essence of margarita still lingering but I feel good =]

I finished Slewfoot WOW what a book it was so good and I loved how it didn’t slow down at the end it just went riot at the end with the horror. I’m now just super eager to get my head into the next one. Oh and so cute I met quite few of the broken bunnies book club at the signings last week it was so nice to put faces to names. I really love these community’s we are building it feels so good to have these pockets of love where we can all come together and enjoy the same thing. I’m feeling extra grateful.

Honestly that sums up my week, it was crazy busy and just bloody wonderful. I’m full of love and I’m not slowing down. I’m so ready for this year I feel good and when I sit down to write about my week I realise on another level just how wonderful life is. I think I’ll give the alcohol a little break now though. I do that you see, you know go a little bit over the top and then just cold turkey for a bit. It’s all about balance I guess haha at least there were no drugs involved, my mental state would be a whole other story if that was the case. I’m going to stay in Bristol this evening might wake up early and have a little look around before checking out.

Ok I’m going to leave that there. Let’s have another corker of a show this evening and check back in next week. I hope you all ha d a wonderful week, love you all dearly. Theresa. xx

8th/9th DIARY ENTRY TUESDAY 17th March + 8th March2026

I’m sitting on the train on my way to Southampton for another record store show. I’m listening to Nutshell by Alice in chains and just saw 2 magpies which means “2 for joy”. I found out this morning my album that I just released Friday 3 days ago is currently number 5 in the official UK charts. I feel like I am in a dream a really fucking wonderful dream. I am so fucking proud of myself and grateful for all the people who have supported me and purchased my album and streamed jt and just been a supporter in any way possible, honestly I’m overcome with joy and a few tears of happiness. It’s interesting how it works physical V streaming, so it takes 1000 streams to equate to a copy of an album so these physical purchases from the fans have made crazy moves for us and made this position possible!

We started the record store tour Friday at rough trade east, did a double acoustic show and signing then played Kingston Saturday as an electric show and it just feels so good to play so much new stuff. I’m getting a real kick out of playing acoustic too its way more nerve racking and I am super aware of everything but god it feels good to sing like that. My voice feels so strong right now and I am loving every second. I truly feel different in these recent performances. I think because last year I played so little live I am HUNGRY for it and also playing to my people, to my creatures is a feeling hard to beat and it’s been a long time since I’ve had that connection and love and realness and I am truly revelling in it. I long for that connection. It feels so good to have put the album out which also happened on Friday and that means 8 unreleased songs at once on top of the 5 we released in the run up. I’m so excited to hear everyone’s favourite songs and even more excited for the moments in the future where we are all singing the lyrics together at the top of our lungs.

Ok so it was my birthday last week on the 11th I turned 34! I feel blessed and lucky to be alive and my life just seems to be in such a sweet spot there’s no other place I’d rather be. I went to London had a meeting with my manager and it was a beautiful meeting I spoke in depth about the meaning of Yonaka and the connection between the music and the people and it finally made sense to me. I think we come together because we are all on the path of self discovery, looking for the right words to say, looking for a friend, a shoulder to cry on. A comfort for when we feel lonely or need someone to speak too and it made me feel so warm to understand this. So after that lovely deep conversation I then went for some lovely food with Alex and then we went to see wicked at the theatre and OMG I FUCKING LOVED IT!!!! Wow it was so incredible. I didn’t actually know the second half of the story and only went to see the first part in the cinema like 2 years ago with Cynthia and Ariana but omg I was blown away. I was right at the front and just in awe. The singing was really great (obviously Cynthia is THE BEST but I was very impressed and granted the second half not got any bangers but the play was still great. I would absolutely go again! So yeah I had a wonderful birthday and after that have just been preparing for some Yonaka action with the shows. I had some nice interview chats with R2 and Total Rock and spoke to my family a lot. I decided not to do much friend stuff around the big week as I wanted to be the picture of health and look after my voice for the release week so mainly kept to myself.

It felt good to just be up and about and living again this week. It’s funny like when you’re younger and in school I would fake I was ill to stay off and I liked being ill it came with perks but not now it doesn’t. Now it’s the worst and it always just makes me think all we really have in life is our health. You can be the richest person in the world but if you’re not well and happy enough to enjoy it what’s the point.The second half of this diary is my draft about the week before this so this may not read very well and be a bit all over the place but its a diary entry it doesn’t matter, I’m not getting marked on it (thank god). Also that’s the way my adhd brain works anyway lol.

I’m now on chapter 13 of Slewfoot by Brom and honestly the book Is just brilliant I love it so much it ticks all the right boxes for me and there’s the most beautiful illustrations in it and its a big YES from me I’ve been on a roll with reading great books lately lets keep it up with the next broken bunnies bookclub choice. I am back on my gym game again this week had a bit too much time off but it can’t be helped. The important thing is I’m back. If you fall off the horse then you must get straight back on! although maybe not the best analogy for me as I tried sitting on a horse when I was like 14 and it bucked me off straight away and its safe to say I have not got back on one again lol but you get what i’m saying. Im back baby! And of course meditating everyday that really is a big one for me just reassuring myself and creating space and time for my mind and body. Oh one more thing I’ve added to my wellness routine, I saw a video of Serena Williams talking about how she uses the saying “Something wonderful is going to happen to me today/tomorrow”? and I’ve started saying it like 3x at night 3x in the morning and I’m pretty sure it’s working! Yay <3

So I know I was MIA last week with my diary entry but honestly I actually was ill in bed and basically didn’t leave my room for 5 days and it was very painful to swallow so I did feel I had too much to talk about and say but here’s where I got to last Sunday …

Ok well I have been slumped with the lurgy which means my week this week has mainly been laying in bed and resting trying to get better. I’m over the worst of it I know but like Wednesday evening my throat was on fire and swallowing was so painful and now Sunday I am just very fatigued with body aches hanging around but the throat is a lot better. I’m taking antibiotics just in case as the doctor couldn’t tell if it was viral or bacterial but said take them regardless and it will help if it is bacterial. So this weeks diary is going to probably be a bit shorter or a lot shorter than my usual. I managed the gym 1x this week so catching up on it this week was out the question I have done one yoga session at home and yeah I mean you know its one of those where walking to the shop that’s 2 minutes away takes it out of you so… a positive before I was struck down however was I had the loveliest time at my listening party on Wednesday. It was so cute we played the whole album through on the speakers then did a little acoustic performance, we were only planning to do like 2 songs but everyone wanted more so we did 6 !! we rehearsed 5 new ones and then threw in seize the power at the end for fun which the guys for some reason didn’t know how to play lol but it was such a vibe oh and the slowest rendition of trouble follows ever but again it was such a vibe and having everyone join in just made it so special. I chatted and hung out with everyone there it was a beautiful mix of friends, fans, management and label and it really was just a lovely wholesome evening. I just want to take more time to celebrate the wins instead of moving on immediately and chasing the next. I just wanna really enjoy it. Had an interview with Kerrang magazine on the same day and it was really nice just going through the motions and being asked questions that you don’t think about because you wrote the music. I also spoke with virgin radio after they chose EAT YOU ALIVE as song of the week. And it was just so nice to feel this support coming in and if I’m being honest it is only now I’m really understanding and appreciating it at all. Like that’s what I mean we all move so fast all the time like how can we ever really grasp the fullness of what is happening to us in the moment. Like how cool is that to just be in the moment. Instead of just thinking about the next. I am grateful for it all, I really truly am. Just like I said before though sometimes it needs that break/breather and then hindsight and you go OHHHHHH WELL THAT’S FUCKING LOVELY AND COOL! It’s my birthday on Wednesday, I love my birthday I know some people hide away from it or don’t like it. I remember when I was younger my mum locked herself in the bathroom and was crying on her birthday I don’t remember much else because i was quite young but I remember thinking how could you be sad on your birthday? you’re supposed to be celebrating.. anyway I’m looking forward to it as well as my album being out on Friday and touring the record stores. It’s going to be a BIG week that’s for sure! It’s so strange for the last 3 years I can remember I have seemed to gotten ill just before my birthday I wonder how and why it could all fall on the same week every year, maybe its my body transiting to the next age lol. I’m going to go and watch wicked in the theatre for my birthday with Alex. I would usually make plans with all my friends but I got to be super careful with my voice so have decided to do something chilled and not have to use my voice a lot.. I finally received my Broken bunnies bookclub read SLEWFOOT so I only started it yesterday but OMG it’s so good and it’s actually fucking scary. I was like looking for shadows in my room last night. This one is another recommendation from the book club and it is starting of strong. I really really love reading, taking my brain of into a fantasy, be it always horror lol but I love how your mind can see everything so clearly from what is being described on paper its fascinating. I wish there was a way we could compare the pictures it created in peoples minds and see if we had anything close. It’s such a beautiful escape, to quiet the voices in my own head and enter those of another. I of course love doing that through movies too. I watched the movie TOGETHER and enjoyed it, was a fun watch, a bit silly and weird but I liked it all the same. Ok its giving me a headache staring at the screen so that’s my input for this week.

Ok my train is about to pull up to Southampton so I’m going to wrap this up and get into show vibes. I am just walking on air today I hope you are too, I am loving meeting everyone again at the shows/signings and if one of them people is you then know it is such a pleasure for me and I love you! Have the best week. Promise il be on time this Sunday t33h33 Love you.. T

The Invisible Monster, Scared vs Sad and It’s Not Meant To Be.

Ok so I had one of the worst panic attacks I’ve had in years when I was in Paris, it was the second night in and I felt like I was suffocating. I couldn’t take a deep enough breath and my lungs felt like they were collapsing in on me, not creating enough space. I felt so trapped I was really scared and it went on for hours. My insides felt like they were burning, my heart rate was up and I mean up, the risen heart rate has never really been a symptom of my anxiety and panics but this time it was and it didn’t matter how deeply and slowly I tried to breath it would NOT change. I really didn’t see a way out of it, I actually thought I was going to die. I started burning up and was just so hot and for some reason my friend took the key out of the door which was locked so I couldn’t get outside. Luckily for me and them I decided to take the living room and sleep solo on the second night otherwise no one else would have been sleeping either. I thought about waking one of them up a couple times but there was something in me that felt almost embarrassed (which of course makes the panic worse lol), like I’m a 33 year old woman freaking the fuck out for no reason and I can’t calm down but also part of me thought there was nothing any one else could do to make it better, its on me. I’m the only one able to get myself out of it. So I rode that big old nasty wave alone as I felt I should. It’s not all bad I guess because at the end of it I felt accomplished like I made it through. That invisible monster came but I conquered! I don’t know what bought It on, I started trying to find the answer, was it food I ate, because I was in a different place, should I have not drank even though I only had 2 drinks (drinking less than I would specifically not to reap anxious effects the next day). But really all of this stuff should never equate to a panic attack ever. I have to accept there is no real reason for it and it’s out of my control and it just happened. I couldn’t sleep because I was in such a state and I just meditated siting up with my headphones on for hours. I think I finally shut my eyes at about 6am but still it just felt like blinking then I’d jump scare myself awake again. The next morning I felt pretty deflated and exhausted I’m also due on my period at this point but I think I put my body through such stress that it’s pushed it back a bit. To be totally honest it’s 3 days later and I still feel exhausted. I really think it took a toll on my body and mind and has made me under the weather. It was really so strong that it’s kind of made me ill a little bit. It’s so fucking crazy how your body and mind can create this fear and react to basically nothing. A fight or flight reaction to falling asleep gahhh.

Anyway this got me thinking to how depression and anxiety/panic have totally different feelings attached to them. Depression is slow, heavy and numb whereas anxiety is like electric, shocking you into a frenzy in thoughts and motion, fast as light with every feeling possible. I think I can now admit I have both and they are both equally horrible. I never liked admitting to having depression because I always thought there’s no way I can be sad when I have such a good life but really it doesn’t matter it just is what it is. I think the key is learning to live with it and not letting it rule your life. Taking small steps everyday. Of course the spectrums are massive and change for everyone but I think if you’re actively trying better yourself then you are in the right place and good for you! ok enough of that lets get onto some good shit that happened this week.

So yeah I went to Paris with 2 of my girlfriends it was bloody lovely (minus the panic attack obviously) we went and watched moulin rouge and it was really good a teeny bit cheesy but otherwise great the outfits were amazing there was lots of boobies and a pool came out of the ground! also the seating was so cool like 20’s vibes everyone sat around tables, loved it. My favourite part though was 2 dancers performed this really emotional and intimate dance together, not the showgirls but like a really touching performance I had tears in my eyes I did not expect to feel something so strongly from watching the 2 dancers but it was absolutely stunning. The rest of the time we walked around and ate everything in sight mainly deserts because hello we in Paris. It was really lovely and the sun was out. Paris is one of my favourite places in the world and it is always a joy to go back AND I will be back there again this June! EEEKKKK.

So taking it back through the week a little.. Monday we got invited to the John Richmond fashion show and it was so good. The whole vibe and pre show tension was so great and it really felt like how it would feel for music but instead this time for fashion. The atmosphere was so excited and everybody looked stun! This was my first week of the year I failed on my 3x gym, I made it 2x and did some yoga at home and of course got all the steps in around Paris but what I have told myself is that this week I just have to go 4x to make up for it. I went yesterday and was planning on going today but I woke up feeling a little run down so have decided to cancel all my appointments for the day and skip the gym. To be totally honest I’m writing this from the comfort of my bed right now. Every now and then the body says no and you need the rest and when we don’t listen to it it will make us stop by getting ill or something. I think I just need it and Im hoping that it resets me energy and health wise. I had a hot bath and ginger tea and I feel a lot better than this morning. I managed to cancel all my outside appointments but with the album just 10 days away there are a few things still on the list to do hehe. OMG so we found out yesterday that EAT YOU ALIVE is track of the week on Virgin Radio. It’s so cool when stuff like this happens. Im so eager to hear my song on the radio spontaneously. Like I want it to just happen without me even trying to catch it, I’m sure it will.

The listening party is tomorrow. Im really looking forward to it. Ive never really taken the moment to celebrate the work I’ve made and this time round I’m doing it right! I thought.. this has to be a big deal … and it is a big deal. Ive just never had a party for it. I’m really excited to be seeing people’s reaction to the album in real time tomorrow and to hang out with everyone. I want to make more of a point abut celebrating the wins. This is a massive achievement for me and it deserves it.. I deserve it. So yeah lets fucking do it <3

Ive spent a lot of time this week chatting to my nieces and nephews and honestly they just make me so happy they are so lovely and innocent and just actually so funny, I think I’ve said it before but a lot of the time I prefer hanging out with them because they are just living in the moment, saying what’s on their mind and just enjoying life. I aspire to be more like them. Like sometimes when I’m online and I’m seeing people do all these different things and hanging out with all these different people and I think oh I should be there or I should be doing that and then I really think about it and I ask myself but do I really want that? Like would that really make me happy or is it just because I feel like I’m supposed to be there and I’m missing out because that’s what im made to believe by social media? like is it an authentic feeling or is it programmed in my head just because it’s labelled as “cool”. You know I think it’s only when you start asking yourself those type of questions and really giving honest answers you discover who you really and what you really want. Because actually it’s so much cooler to be honest with yourself and only do it if it really makes you happy and you really enjoy being around those people because if you leave feeling kind of deflated and down maybe that’s the biggest sign that you’re in the wrong place?

I found out yesterday that the feature I did has been denied by the artists label, if im to be completely honest I didn’t LOVE the song.. I really like the artist but the song in general wasn’t hitting the spot so I think it’s meant to be. I don’t feel sad about it which I think speaks volumes. I think I was just excited about being asked to do a feature that I let it cloud my judgement of what I thought about the song. It was meant to be. You see it’s easy to preach to do what’s best for you and be authentic but it’s clearly still hard to live by. I’m trying just like everybody else, nobody is perfect and every day I learn something new. Hindsight is kind of wonderful I get the chance to see myself through another lense and I understand who I am better.

I forgot to mention on the morning of waking up from my nasty panic my sister sent me the most beautiful message about how she was just listening through the album and wanted to let me know how proud of me she was and honestly I was welling up I was so fragile already and this just gave me an emotional boost and actually felt like exactly what I needed. Now all I needed was a hug.

So the super moon in pisces was early hours this morning and I watched a video about how it was at it’s peak at 3:33am before going to bed and I wondered if I would naturally wake up to it and I mother fucking did so I walked to the window and there she was staring right at me, it felt quite magical and connected in this moment more than usual. I am so HAPPY the sunshine is out!! Eeekk it’s my birthday in 8 days I love march , spring and my birthday and now my album hehe it’s all happing babes. Anyway let me know how you are doing and how your week has been and Ill be back again with another diary entry next week. Love you . T xx

My body: My Joy. Selling my album in a sauna and Gas masks = he’s possessed.

I love my body. I’ve finally reached a place where I love my body. It’s so strange how we view ourselves in the moment, so many times have I had my picture taken and thought I looked ugly only 5 years later to think I looked beautiful, why is that? Why is it so hard to look at ourselves in the moment and fully appreciate it maybe because of how society pushes certain beauty standards on us all time pushing for you to make alterations to your face and body? lips are too small, hair isn’t thick enough, hip dips blah blah blah to the point where everybody is slowly looking the same but in a world of this I currently feel good about myself right now, sure not all the time but right now and right now is all we have.

So looking back over the week. It’s funny I think it’s so easy to forget everything you’ve done through the week when recalling at the end because you move on so quickly and one day of little work can make you feel lazy even though maybe the day before you overworked… anyway. So we shot a video for Miss Millennial with the uni students again. It was a hella long day, I left the house at 8am and got home at midnight, the next day I woke up I felt like I had been hit by a bus as well as shooting a video we have been making a small documentary so the students are using us as there assignment project and we will also get to share this album journey with our fans. I’m looking forward to seeing the result and hopefully have a badass visual to go with the song as this one is one of my favourites I love the cheekiness of this song the beat, the bass the guitar and I cover pretty much all basis with my voice on this one singing, rapping, talking harmonies all of it! We have released all the music prior to the album now so that’s 5 tracks and then on the 13th March another 8 track will be out there onto the world there for you to make yours. I can’t bloody wait! Invites sent out for the listening party on the 4th March, looking forward to that I’m excited to see people reactions in real time. I really feel like we’re doing it properly this time. I’m getting to really appreciate every moment and it feels good. The year is looking exciting.

This week has been a lot to do with working social media really. Constantly trying to see my album. It’s hard to dress the same message up on a different way but it’s part of the job and I don’t do it no-one else will. It helps that fully believe in it with my whole heart, I’ve never been this confident about my work before it’s a good feeling. I had a funny conversation in the sauna this week. Trust me when I say I’m working this album I mean it selling it to everyone on the sauna haha anyway so one guy made a comment to someone else like “yeah, there’s stuff on there I’d never listen to again but then there’s some songs that I love” and It made me laugh and I thought i fucking love that because it makes me believe even more there is something for everyone in the music we make. There was a reason we were given “Lane Boy” as the Twenty One Pilots cover song because we are always being told of inconsistency and people can’t pin it to one genre but that is the bloody reason people love it too. So yeah a lot of trying to sell the album and this won’t stop when the album is out either I want this baby to be heard by everyone I want you to listen to it and know that I’m talking to you like I wrote it personally for you it’s my love letter to you of life. I want people to resonate with it and own it for themselves. 🤍

So I got asked to feature on a track this week I don’t think I’ll say the name yet as I have to see whether they like my verse or not but it’s a female pop artist, relatively new and yeah I wrote it and recorded it at home and have sent it off so will find out next week if it goes ahead. It’s cool for me to be on something like that, I got to use my voice and melody in a bit of a different way and it felt good. I had an interview with Rocksound with the band was lovely to dig into points from someone else perspective on the album. That’s why collaboration is so cool because your artistic brain gets to a certain point but having another point of view is so eye opening and can spark inspiration even further. As far as work goes that was about it.

I went to the pub last night for George’s birthday drank margaritas and spoke too much and too loudly over pub noise but I had a lovely time it was us and Cassyette crew and we were all just telling funny stories about weird interactions with ex’s and my funny story was about how I went and stayed with a guy in his cottage in Tunbridge wells and when I got there he told me found this child’s gas mask in the attic and that immediately freaked me out and I clearly couldn’t shake it because that night as we were falling asleep by the fire he started making these weird noises (ok so it’s pitch black at this point and so quiet you can hear every creak … I was scared of the day anyway so this is all a bit much for me) ok so he’s making these weird noises and from that I took it as a sign as he was being possessed on his sleep and my life was now in danger so I took my hand and pushed his head into the pillow, I don’t know why but that was my natural reaction haha he woke up like wtf and I asked him to take me home which was an hour and half drive hahahaha he said no as it was like 3 am so I finally fell asleep with the lights on and he took me home the next day and I ended it with him hahahhaha yeah I get easily scared so back off or I’m out haha. So tales were told and we laughed a lot and now I’m at home a little bit hungover but mainly sleepy but I have a rest day and going to eat loads of delicious food I have moved into several different floor positions and changing form laptop to phone whilst writing this though so maybe the hangover is a little worse than I want to admit boohoo. I’ve have a really good week a good balance of work and play and I also looked at some houses yesterday which feels exciting. I want to buy a house and I shall!! This is a dream for me I grew up pretty poor and in a council house and I felt like this idea of owning something myself one day felt so out of reach but it’s not, not anymore and I fell mother fucking proud of that.

I am still on my winning strike of gym 3x week and playing I feel good by James brown everyday so you know I’m doing good hehe and mentally I feel good I’ve had a couple of moments where I felt a little anxious but been in a position where I could meditate at that moment and it’s actually helping so much once I come out of the meditation I feel calmer and more powerful to take on the moment. I meditate everyday anyway but sometimes I’m having to do it 2x to bring myself back which I’m happy to do if that means my brain and body feel healthy. Ok check back in next week I’m heading to Paris with 2 of my besties to see moulin rouge whoop wanted to do it for long and we’re finally doing bday present to each other 🤍 ok I hope you are all well and enjoying life and are happy and well speak next week love you Miss Millennial xoxox

(I haven’t even gone over this before I post, punctuation definitely won’t be right but hope it reads ok.x)

I was smiling from ear to ear throughout the show AND after. I couldn’t believe people were singing the words to the new songs like it shocked me in the best way possible, people creaming wherever you go trouble follows I was like wait a minute EEEKKKK! So there are times when you are playing on stage and the show is so good you get into this flow state and it feels like a dream, the time goes so quickly and before you know it it’s over and when that happens you know it’s a very special show where you got to enter a higher realm of consciousness and regardless of the fact the mix in my ears was basically just drums I had one of the best shows i’ve ever had, it truly felt magical and I can’t wait to feel that all over again this year. I woke up the next day still high from the show and I really think it’s altered my brain back to this positive state and so for the rest of this week I have felt really good and positive and just super grateful for everything and the year ahead.

On top of that we released the latest single EAT YOU ALIVE I love this song it’s so playful and cheeky it’s about infatuation and obsession and not wanting to share. When something or someone starts to become out of reach you want it more. It’s saying that wherever you go and whomever you go to you will never really get rid of me, I’m part of you, I’m under your skin, I’m in everything you do. It’s almost sickening the hold it has on you and it’s so strong it comes out in an animalistic kind of way “I wanna eat you alive, I wanna tear out your thoughts occupy your mind, want you to barely survive, so they know when you come and you go you were mine” You can hear in the lyric that the effect I’m willing to have on this person has just as strong a hold over me, really it’s a reflection of how it makes me feel too and maybe more so. It’s also kind of strange how the lyrics kind of end up moving around different people and also kind of take on different meanings as they go on, I like how it just keeps evolving in my head. The release has gone well and we made a cool little visualiser for it with the uni students who are just doing such a sick job. They are so sweet and lovely and I’m very happy to be working with them. We are heading to Southampton again this week to shoot another visualiser for the final single MISS MILLENNIAL which we actually changed just last week from BEST OF ME because after having time to think about it sonically this decision makes more sense and well it’s just a fucking great song but that will drop with the album on release day 13th March. We are another week closer to the full release and i’m looking forward to everyone being able to listen to it as a whole. We’ve even got an intro track! I got a message the other day from a friend and she just listened to album the whole way through and said it was one of her favourite albums EVER!!!! What a compliment, I was taken back to hear that, what a beautiful thing.

Ok so I ended up getting quiteeeeee drunk Thursday night, went out with 2 of my girlfriends and the wine was just being drunk like water. I drink so fast, I always have I don’t know what it is but like as soon as someone else takes a sip I will have drunk the whole glass. Anyway it was my first time getting drunk this year and I had the hangover to prove it. I Don’t remember getting home after we bumped into some other friends who were out and ended up staying out way later than I had anticipated. Although I was very hangover I was still happy. I felt good in my soul just had a banging headache and couldn’t leave the sofa lol but I don’t know I still felt happy, I don’t think I’ll be drinking any wine again for a sec though.

So valentines day came around and I had the most loveliest day I went for a big old 24k steps walk along the beach way down past the marina and it was just so good to see the sun again. I feel like it’s been so long and I just woke up and thought nope I need to enjoy this why its here and changed my plans (good job as looks like were back to grey skies and rain today) I ended the walk with a sauna (something I do 3/4x week) I’m obsessed it makes me feel so good and the health benefits are endless a bit like coffee I LOVE coffee and the good outweighs the bad tenfold! Then I went of dinner at fourth and church and it was FANTASTIC I ordered strictly veggie dish’s, not on purpose they just caught my eye on the menu and as an avid meat eater that was different for me but omg it was SO good! I love how every valentines day I’ve either spent it with my lover or with my girlfriends so it’s never lonely. I do feel like you don’t have to be lonely ever especially if you have friends. Friends are the best medicine they will always make you feel better.

Ok I finished the book ”Natural Beauty” it was fucking amazing 10/10 and has entered the list of my favourite books iv’e ever read! If you like reading and you like horror /thriller you HAVE to read this. I also watched 2 movies this week stepping out of my Animal Kingdom obsession for a minute. I watched “Die My Love” with Jennifer Lawrence and Robert Patterson and it was a strange movie, it was heavy but I I really liked it, I also loved the way that these 2 Hollywood beauty’s looked so natural and normal in the movie it was refreshing to see. It kind of confused me in parts but there was something so beautiful and fragile about it, about how she lost herself after having a baby and that how every woman changes dramatically at one point or many in there lives. I also watched “Caught Stealing” which was a way more fun kind of action movie also good but doesn’t stick in the brain like die my love but definitely a way more light hearted watch with all the hotties in it Austin butler, Zoe Kravits, Bad Bunny and controversial one but Matt Smith I don’t know what it is but I find him so interestingly hot. I also met him once at the backstage ray-bans tent at a festival and we were chatting and he was so lovely and I remember being so starstruck because I was just watching through crown at the time I also found it super cool/hot the fact he has no social media I like that.

Overall it’s been a great week and things are ramping up nicely. The Bat came up for me once more this week, a friend told me what she was reading and it happened to be called Bateater, it sounded really good actually I want to read it. I don’t know what to read now I feel like my last book was so good. Anyway back to the Bat so yeah that came up once more but actually last night I dreamt of the Owl. I was staring at a man with his hood up and I don’t remember who it was but his face turned into an Owl and the reason I remembered I dreamt of that is because the first video that popped up for me today was this guy photographing an Owl so the reoccurring message here is the nocturnal animal. I looked up its symbolism and it is incredibly close to the bat so I’m embracing it and trying to lean into whatever this means for me.

Ok I am going to love you and leave you now. A hot bath is calling my name. See you next week. Hope you are all feeling wonderful and happy and have had a lovely week. All my love. Theresa xx

x

Good morning world it is Saturday the 7th Feb and in true Theresa fashion I’m a day late over the week in posting but I think that’s just what it’s going to be from now on. It has been an interesting week with highs and lows I spent the weekend with my nephew Zayne he is 5 years old and it was no nice and refreshing to just hang out with a kid again and not be so serious for a minute I spent the whole weekend just running around and playing made up games that made no sense but honestly it was just so lovely. As adults things can become so intense, you worry about what people think and care too much about things that honestly just don’t even matter and you’ll forget tomorrow but as a child you are concentrated in the moment and your main priority is having fun! something I think we lose as we get older. I never really had much interest in children until all my brother and sisters had them (I’m the eldest of 5 btw) but now I’m obsessed, they are like my best friends and they make me so happy also they are all big Yonaka fans of their own choice of course hehe.

Ok so that was the weekend now it’s the start of a new week, it was a very busy week work wise, rehearsals Monday and Friday for the show next week in London which we are playing 8 new songs of the album and they sound HUGE honestly I’m very excited to trial these new songs obviously when you play them live for the first time you really get a sense for how they feel and if they work well in a live capacity but in rehearsals they are feeling strong and I think they are going to go down great. We haven’t had a brand new set to play for so long I really feel that it’s only through an album you can do that as most e.p’s are like 6 songs long but now I have a 13 song album to present the world and it feels so inspiring, I can’t wait to get on that stage and play it. (Side note, I want tot stop saying “can’t wait” what can I use instead?)

So we’re all set for that and will be trying out a new drummer to fill in for the show as Adam’s away but he sent some videos playing the tracks and it sounds wicked! Ok so Tuesday I was in London for a meeting and a conversation happened that helped me look at Yonaka in a different way. Iv’e always struggled to answer the question “what genre is it” or “what type of music is it?” Because I generally can’t sum the sound of Yonaka up but I always thought it was a weakness because the music travels through so many genres and people comment on how there’s no consistency or they can’t put there finger on it but actually Iv’e realised that is our STRENGTH!! the fact it doesn’t sound like anything else is a fucking miracle! And I feel like iv’e been made to feel a bit shit about that before but my god I think that’s why people like it! And yeah it was just like a light bulb moment in my head. I remember early on in Yonaka we had a meeting and someone said to me “if you can’t explain what the music is, there’s no point if you don’t know what you are” and it stuck with me it obviously didn’t make me stop what I was doing musically but I heard the lack of consistency in sound thing pop up a lot. Anyway yeah I’m glad it sounds like nothing else and I’m glad you can’t put Yonaka in a box. We write off a feeling, always have and always will and that is why it’s in it’s own lane.

I Signed hundreds of vinyl and c.d’s this week with there boys an omg it felt good and it was great because as I was on my way to the train station I just had this feeling of impending doom and I felt horrible, if you suffer with anxiety, panic attacks or depression you will know this feeling a little too well. Anyway I almost let it win all I wanted to do in that moment was go home, get into bed and cry but I didn’t!! I got on that train and went and held my album in physical form and saw how many of you had purchased it and I felt so good and lucky to be I the position I am. People believe in what I am doing, they love the music and what a fucking privilege it is to have that. I am so grateful and it made me feel so warm and loved and damn right excited for life. This album is probably the biggest piece of me iv’e ever shared and It’s the best thing iv’e ever made and we are a month and 6 days out now from the full release and I can’t believe it’s coming around so fast to be honest.

I spent time with the fans in discord on Thursday and it’s just the loveliest community I always feel good coming out of it, it’s so nice to just be chatting in real time and just feeling the love of everyone like we are all in this one chat room just having conversation about our days and it’s just fucking cool. Revealed the track-list yesterday, it’s like an advent calendar actually just little treats on different days. It’s all lining up perfect. It felt good to see the album in real life. I worked closely with my friend meticulously working out what photos to use and what fonts and how it should look overall and it’s paid off because it just stunning. The whole team on this album has been spot on the art direction is just fabulous. You will not be disappointed when it is in your hands. Spent the day in Southhampton on Wednesday shooting a little visualiser for Eat You Alive. We’ve teamed up with some uni students and it’s been really sweet. They are like 10 years younger than me and it’s funny to see them work in a team like kind of reminded me of how it goes when you start something in the beginning (like I did but with a band) at first there is no clear voice, no leader and you will kind of bicker a lot before you find your feet but you do need a clear voice to represent you and that’s something you learn along the way when working in a group. To feel/be united as one a lot of work has to be done in the background and you have to trust each other fully.

I think I touched on it last week but I’m reading this book called natural beauty by Ling Ling Huang and omg it’s lining up to be one of my favourite books I have ever read! I was recommended in the book shop whilst picking a different book and it just has everything It needs for a great read. Im chapter 20 right now, probably like a third left to read but it’s about a girl who comes from no money who plays piano and gets funded to go to a prestigious school, some stuff happens with her parents she drops out and gets hired to work in a beauty shop but not any regular shop for beauty products some crazy stuff happens here and she starts getting sucked in to the darker areas of the beauty world to earn extra money and well I don’t want to say anything else in case someone wants to read it but honestly it is SO GOOD! Iv’e started watching a series called Animal Kingdom on Netflix too and I love it! I love any gangsta kinda shit where the woman is the boss so I’m hooked.

The Bat has been coming up for me a lot lately first in a dream, then the next day I see a toy bat hanging from a door on the street, then the next day I see a real bat literally slam into an engine of a lorry and fly underneath. I thought it wasn’t coincidence so I looked it up and the biggest thing I keep seeing is it can represent “Death and Rebirth” and I wonder if that makes sense lately to why I have been feeling so up and down. Iv’e been experiencing the most amount of anxiety/panic attacks this week than I have in a long time. Constantly in that fight or flight and I can’t help but wonder if I’m being tested on a spiritual level. Iv’e been meditating as much as I can and it’s helping but damn it’s exhausting constantly teetering on the edge of what feels like the end. I don’t know why I feel I need to say this but I love being alive I want to live! I love my life so much and I want to be in it. I have no desire to hurt myself, I just feel so heavy sometimes and I watch other people walking by and wonder how they feel so light and untouchable although of course that Is just my interpretation maybe that is not the case I dunno. But I really love living, there’s so much beauty in the world, I love to hear the birds sing and touch the trees, see the different colours. Of green and eat all the delicious things.

It’s been a week but seeing it here written out I love all of it, from the times I haven’t felt myself to feeling completely in the moment. Iv’e made something out of it, whether that be recognising the emotion or just this diary entry right here. And of course for all the times Iv’e felt good this week that we tend to look over, why is it our brains hold onto the bad stuff over the good stuff? Like you could have 100 comments on a picture 99 are good but 1 is bad and it’s the bad one that sticks out to you why is that? Anyway Life is really amazing and it’s all just energy, a Therapest told me that before “it’s all just energy moving through you” and it made me look at it differently, the sensations, not as scary, made sense a little more. Ok iv’e got to go now because I have kindly booked myself in for a massage btw one of my FAVOURITE things to do. I hope you all feel wonderful and had a great week and if you didn’t, know that a new day is upon us and everything can change for the better. See you next week (probably a day late) All my Love Theresa or should I say MISS MILLENNIAL ;)

Iv’e just started getting back into writing with the boys for YONAKA. We wrote a few songs this week, nothing that I love yet, but you know that’s inevitable you have to get out all the mediocre, kind of shit stuff out first and it’s just a matter of time after that really until you hit the sweet spot. It’s the turning up that counts, like all those books you’ve ever read or all those people preaching “it’s all about turning up“ it really is! I love writing, it’s one of my favourite things to do but It can be quite the effort turning up and using your full momentum and not coming out with something that you feel good about, it can be kinda draining but actually it’s all just part of the process.

I also have this feeling that I’m just not ready to move on from UNTIL YOU’RE SATISFIED because you know it’s not even out in the world yet and I feel like there’s so much to give and there’s actually so much work to do around the album, with fleshing out the tracks, acoustic versions, live rehearsals, visuals etc that I feel like maybe my brain is not allowing me to fully leave it yet. I want to revel in the life of this album first but also I LOVE writing music, I don’t know, I will keep writing regardless.

There are 2 days till February. I still haven’t drank I actually haven’t even craved a drink, but I’m probably not gonna carry on. Actually want a beer right now, now I’ve said I haven’t craved it just tricked my mind into thinking about it haha I have been exercising and meditating daily which feels good and keeps my anxiety at bay a little more then not doing so, I was on the peak of panic attack twice this week at the gym and I managed to pull myself out of it both times, very proud of that achievement, really slowed my breath down and ignored the rest of the world around me talked to myself kindly and found the panic exit. I usually run away as fast as I can but I didn’t I stayed and that’s progress. I had my period this week. This could absolutely be have something to do with my low mood. You know on top of that I also have endometriosis so it’s always just a little bit more painful. Felt like there was a little devil inside my womb with a scalpel LOL

I went to my first concert of the year Dijon and omg his voice is like silk it was really good, I felt like I hasn’t stood in an audience for so long and it was just so nice I can’t wait to be back on the other side of it now too. I finished the most recent book from my Broken Bunnies book club, called “It’s not a Cult” by Joey Batey and I absolutely loved it. It’s about a band who get a cult following and start hurting people basically and take the lyrics as storylines about who should die etc haha the ending kind of wasn’t my favourite though because it didn’t give you like a proper definitive ending and I loved how brutal some of the parts were that I wanted it to go crazy at the end. The bad stuff that happened was really good and I wanted more of that. Overall though really enjoyed it. Last night I started another book called “Natural Beauty” by Ling Ling Huang and honestly I’m instantly hooked it so smooth to read and I can feel it’s going to be a good one.

I feel like I love reading because it takes you out of your mind, I was just going a bit crazy last night and I was flying to so many different things happening in my life right now I couldn’t turn the voices off so I just picked up a book and It soothed me. I’m a Pisces, I’m a daydreamer, I love stories to get lost in and I’m a very emotional person so yeah I love picking up a book and just losing myself in it and getting lost in somebody else’s story which I’m sure is the same for a lot of people. I’ve also been re-watching sex education oh my God I love it so much it’s my comfort watch right now I love how like you’ll be laughing and then crying in the next minute it’s just written so well and the characters are all great.

I live in Brighton and have done for 15 years now and honestly Brighton is my favourite place in the UK like I’ve never wanted to make that move to London like everybody gets that feeling I’ve never had it. I absolutely adore London but I love to come back to Brighton. I love the sea. I’ve always lived by the sea ever since I was little apart from when I lived in Germany for three years. I don’t know, I just love the fact that like if you feel a bit stuck you can just walk to the beach and look out and realise there’s all that space to breathe and just be and it’s funny because I’m pretty sure that’s why everybody loves living by the sea because I hear people talking about it and they say the same things that I’m thinking and I think we’re all just basically wired the same. I just love that space when things can feel quite suffocating, you can just look out and it’s just Blue and it’s just goes on forever and you just realise how tiny you are and how much everything doesn’t really matter that much.

I’m currently standing on this shake plate which is supposed to be some lymphatic drainage thing and I love it for like 10 minutes every day and it just shakes up all the like to acid and stuff inside your body. Do you think they just feel so good when you stand off it and you just feel shaken up like a cocktail? I love it. I’m rambling now because maybe I’ve run out of things to say or maybe I should make pointers through the week or maybe this is exactly what it’s supposed to be?

I guess this week was just a bit of a tough one for me. I just didn’t feel quite myself or at the top of my game because I felt quite low and you know like I said could’ve been like through my period or could just be what was happening right now in my life but I’m feeling better today and I swear even just writing makes it feel better. Being in a band consists honestly of just a very normal life really with no set work hours because it’s a job you never leave. You know the Internet shows only the best parts of your life, the tiny parts that happen sometimes, portraying this big crazy image of glitz and glamour constantly and maybe it is like that for like massive artists but it’s definitely not for people on my level but I feel blessed and I feel luck but you know everyone is just living the same old stuff regular, eating the same thing, going to the Same old supermarket blah blah it’s all very normal and average life stuff and it’s beautiful and until the shows and festivals come into existence then it’s crazy exciting =] anyway I love you and I hope you all have a great weekend. See you next week. T xxxx

It was a big week last week, Yonaka released Trouble Follows the latest single with a BADASS video omg I love it so much! We did a premiere on YouTube and have to say the chat was honestly just the best I had such a lovely time everyone was on fire and it was just so nice to be in that community and I love the people in it so much which then moved to discord after and it was really just my fav chat ever!! A little bit about this song I was sitting at home and the hook line “wherever you go, trouble follows” came to me, I immediately had a feeling with it like I know this song needs to be somebody. I took it into Alex (I live with Alex and we write and record everything in our living room) we sat with it for a bit but nothing was bringing the fieriness it needed, the next day we went to London to Dimitri’s studio (co/producer and writer of 3 tracks on the album) and BANG the song came alive we did the whole thing that day and the song was done - demo version. I loved it. So much attitude and such a fun sound for quite a poignant message. I loved everything part from my verse lyrics so I worked on them for some weeks maybe months to come whilst making the album. It’s weird because the lyrics in the verse had to be bored but still say what I needed them to say and this are the hardest so I walked along Brighton beach and through St annes park with my headphones on until I finally got them.

I don’t really like going into to much detail about what the song means to me and why I wrote it as I like people to interpret it for themselves but here a little something.. it’s about the attachment of Trouble that comes just from being in the same room as someone who is bad news. It’s one of those tricky ones to get away from because you love the person but not the trouble that comes with them. You see them in a different light to everyone else but that’s because that’s what they want you to see. And maybe you’re slightly addicted to them and the trouble they bring anyway.

So now on a personal level this past week has a Benn a bit wobbly for me amongst all the great announcements and stuff is I guess just the rest of your life that happens in real time.. I made a note on Sunday how I was feeling and it went a little like this ….Feeling fragile today like I could just burst at any moment, got a little bit of cabin fever I feel like I need to get out Brighton for a second. just have some sort of plan to make life a bit different for a second. I don’t know if it’s because I’m about to come on my period my hormones and emotions are everywhere but this is what’s happening so this is where I am at . I just had a beautiful walk through Saint Annes Park which is one of my favourite places in Brighton it’s just got all the birds and all the squirrels and lovely trees and it’s just a good vibe and I was just walking around listening to the Bird sing. I want to hang out with people and do something different and at the same time I wanna curl up in a ball and cry and not see anyone and stay in my room but I’m going to do something different and hang out with my friends because actually that’s probably the medicine I need i’ve been working from home all week and I love that I can do that but sometimes it gets a little bit much like there’s not really an escape or a cut of time from working so I’m just constantly on! which I’m sure a lot of people do that but I’m feeling so much pressure to be somebody, become something and it feels to heavy right now. I think because there’s no separation from where I live to where I work I think sometimes it can get a little bit sticky.

I later went to Petworth to the deer farm and shed a tear because i saw hundreds of wild deer round this beautiful park and I couldn’t believe my eyes so that was a lovely gift to the senses that put my thoughts at bay for a few hours. Ive suffered with Anxiety and panic attacks for a long time now but a symptom that is messing me up a lot right now is swallowing, like I’m so aware of my body that I find it hard to swallow and its actually so horrible like shut body stop being stupid! It’s that thing of never being completely fixed but leaning how to deal with it better over time with different skill sets and techniques, it likes to ware you down and wants you to crumble but I will not !!! Ha easier said than done of course but I just remind myself of how many times I been through it before and I’m still here!

I’m kinda brushing over the days from my week I’m sure there will be events, feelings I’ve missed but I’m doing my best to get the bulk of it in. Still no alcohol for January although I’ve deffo fancied a drink this past week but I’m still going strong not that I’m an alcoholic or anything just I guess you set a goal in your mind and you want to achieve it. Ive been doing a lot of singing this week and it feels good! It’s strange because although I’m singing songs I wrote Its like I need to learn how to sing them again for a live setting now and it takes a second to get the power and breathing points, maybe changing a couple of notes or inflections for the different setting. Noe the less I’m enjoying it.

Guess what arrived this morning… the UNTIL YOU’RE SATISFIED c.d’s they look so beautiful I’m so happy with how they came out and to finally have the final product in my hands!!! Aggghhh it’s kind of crazy how long and how many people have to be involved to bring something to life like that. It’s incredible actually. I announced The U.K and Ireland tour last week and it has gone on pre-sale today I really am so excited to play all this new stuff live to feel the new era in full swing GAHHHHHH.

I’ve been having crazy dreams, I like to sleep for a long time like I like my 8 hours, I don’t fall asleep that easily but I tell you what don’t you find in the mooring when the alarm goes off and you hit snooze THAT is the best feeling sleep for me hands down!

Ok I’m rambling now so I guess this is a good place to end It. Ok until next week.

All my love

Theresa. X