may kakaiba palang paraan ang ilang tao ng pagsasabing nauunawaan ka nila: ikukuwento nila kung gaano kabigat ang sarili nilang dala hanggang sa makalimutan mong may dala ka rin. at marahil wala naman silang masamang ibig sabihin. marahil iyon lamang talaga ang alam nilang paraan ng pakikiramay—ang hanapan ng kapareho yung sakit na meron ka.

kaya kapag sinabi kong napapagod ako at ang isinasagot sa akin ay, “wala ’yan, ako nga eh…” ngumingiti nalang ako, baka kailangan din nilang magkwento.

pero sa totoo, hindi rin gumaan ang loob ko, dahil bigla kong naunawaan na may mga pagod palang hindi dapat ipinagsasabi. may mga bagay na kailangang maging sapat ang bigat bago ka pahintulutang aminin na mabigat iyon.

at hindi ko naman hinihingi na ako ang higit na pakinggan.

pero hindi ko rin kailangang maging pinakamalungkot na tao sa silid para magkaroon ng karapatang malungkot. hindi ko kailangang daigin ang hirap ng iba bago maging totoo ang sarili kong hirap.

kung tutuusin, hindi naman paligsahan ang pagdurusa; walang gantimpalang naghihintay sa taong pinakamatagal nakapagtiis nang hindi nagsasalita.

siguro iyon ang hindi ko maipaliwanag noon. kapag nagsasabi ako ng nararamdaman ko, hindi ko naman inilalapag ang problema ko upang ihambing sa problema mo. inilalapag ko lamang ito dahil mabigat na siyang dalhin nang mag-isa. at kung ang unang gagawin mo ay ilagay ang sarili mong bigat sa tabi nito, hindi naman nabawasan ang bigat ko. nadagdagan lamang ang dahilan kung bakit kailangan kong buhatin itong muli.

kaya ngayon, mas pinipili ko na ang mga salitang madaling sabihin at mahirap paniwalaan.

“ayos lang ako.”

“wala naman.”

“pagod lang.”

ang dali palang sanayin ang sarili sa mga sagot na hindi totoo kapag ilang ulit mong naranasan na ang katapatan mo ay nagiging pagkakataon para ikuwento ng iba ang sarili nilang buhay.

at marahil naiintindihan ko rin sila. baka pagod din sila. baka matagal na rin silang naghihintay na may makinig sa kanila. baka ang “ako nga eh” ay hindi talaga pagmamaliit, kundi isang hindi maayos na paraan ng pagsasabing, “naiintindihan kita dahil naranasan ko rin.”

naiintindihan ko iyon.

ngunit sana, minsan, bago mo ihambing ang sugat mo sa sugat ko, hayaan mo muna akong sabihin kung saan, paano, at bakit ako nasaktan.

dahil may mga pagkakataong ang pinakamalaking anyo ng pag-unawa ay hindi ang pagsabing, “ako rin.”

kundi ang simpleng pagpapahintulot sa akin na maging ako muna.

there are moments when you wish someone would just take over.

hindi naman sa tamad ka. sometimes you’re simply tired of being the person who has to decide what happens next. you want someone to walk in with an answer, point you in a direction, and say, “doon. dun ka. ayun yung gawin mo.” 

in the philippines, we somehow turned that feeling into a joke.

“bahala na si batman.”

kapag wala ka nang maisip na solusyon, si batman na bahala. kapag sabog na ang plano, si batman na ang bahala. kapag hindi mo na alam kung saan ka pupunta, sige, ipasa muna natin sa lalaking may kapa at maangas na sasakyan na parang wala naman siyang mas importanteng problema.

nakakatawa kasi totoo. 

there’s a strange comfort in imagining that somebody else will figure things out for you. you don’t have to know the answer because, technically, it’s not your problem anymore. you can just shrug, laugh, and move forward without having to admit that you’re actually scared of what comes next.

pero may mga pagkakataon na hindi na puwedeng ipasa sa iba ang desisyon. kahit ilang tao pa ang tanungin mo, kahit ilang beses mo pang pag-isipan, may punto talagang ikaw na mismo ang kailangang pumili. walang makakapagsabi nang sigurado kung tama ba ang gagawin mo. walang makakapangako na hindi ka magsisisi. at higit sa lahat, walang makakapagbigay sa’yo ng garantiya na magiging maayos ang lahat.

that’s the part nobody tells you about taking a leap of faith.

it isn’t really about believing that everything will work out. if anything, it’s the opposite. you take the leap precisely because you don’t know what will happen. you just reach a point where staying still becomes its own kind of decision, and maybe even the safer choice starts feeling like something you’ll regret.

i used to think i needed to feel ready before i could do something difficult. i thought confidence was supposed to come first, followed by action. as if one day, after enough thinking and enough preparation, i would suddenly wake up without fear and know exactly what i was supposed to do.

pero kailan ba talaga dumarating ang pagiging handa?

kapag wala ka nang kaba? kapag sigurado ka na? kapag alam mo nang hindi ka mabibigo?

kung gano’n, baka habang buhay tayong maghihintay.

because there will always be another reason to hesitate. there will always be another “what if” waiting in the back of your mind. what if it doesn’t work? what if i’m not good enough? what if i choose the wrong path? what if i give everything to something and end up with nothing?

you can ask those questions forever.

or you can finally accept that some of them can only be answered by trying.

kaya siguro kailangan minsan ng leap of faith. hindi mo kailangang maging taong walang takot. kailangan mo lang maging taong hindi hinahayaan ng takot ang gumawa ng desisyon.

one version of “bahala na” REALLY sounds like giving up. bahala na kung ano ang mangyari. wala na akong pakialam. bahala na ang mundo.

there’s another version that sounds almost like courage.

i’ve done what i can.

i’ve thought about it enough.

i’ve prepared as much as i know how.

now, i’m going to find out.

at doon ko siguro gustong dalhin ang sarili ko ngayon. hindi sa puntong wala na akong pakialam kung ano ang mangyayari, kundi sa puntong handa na akong tanggapin na hindi ko kayang kontrolin ang lahat. gusto kong subukan kahit hindi ko alam kung magiging tama. gusto kong magsimula kahit hindi pa kumpleto ang plano. gusto kong pumili kahit walang kasiguraduhan.

so, fuck batman.

hindi dahil ayaw kong humingi ng tulong. hindi dahil kaya kong gawin lahat mag-isa. alam kong may mga taong kailangan ko at may mga pagkakataong hindi ko kakayanin nang walang tulong ng iba.

but there are some things that only i can do.

ako ang kailangang pumili.

ako ang kailangang gumawa ng unang hakbang.

at ako rin ang kailangang matutong bumangon kapag hindi naging akma sa plano ang gusto ko. 

what does growing means? hindi naman pala tungkol sa pagkakaroon ng sagot sa lahat. na hindi mo kailangang makita ang buong daan para malaman mong puwede kang magsimulang maglakad.

i don’t need batman to tell me that i’ll be okay.

i don’t need the universe to promise me that this is the right choice.

i don’t even need to know where this ends.

kailangan ko lang malaman na gusto kong sumubok. 

at kung mali ako, matututo ako.

kung maligaw ako, hahanap ako ng ibang daan.

kahit hindi na perpekto ang unang hakbang ko. kailangan ko lang itong maging akin.

kaya sige, bahala na.

pero sa pagkakataong ito, hindi ko na ipapasa kay batman.

let him deal with gotham. marami na siyang problema roon. 

haharapin ko naman ang akin.

and maybe i’ll be scared. maybe i’ll hesitate. maybe there will be days when i’ll wish someone could come along and tell me exactly what to do.

but i’ll keep going anyway.

because maybe the leap of faith was never about believing that someone would catch me.

maybe it was about finally believing that, if nobody does, i’ll still find a way to land on my feet.

fuck batman.

kaya ko ‘to.

people say “kwento mo sa pagong” when someone tells a story so unbelievable that you don’t know whether to laugh or believe them. parang “sige, sabihin mo pa, baka maniwala yung pagong.” it’s that little joke you throw at someone when their story sounds too wild, too convenient, or just too good to be true.

pero ‘tol, kawawa naman yung pagong. out of all the animals, siya pa yung napiling tagapakinig ng mga kwentong hindi natin pinaniniwalaan.

pero, that’s exactly why i started thinking about it differently.

because if there’s one thing about a turtle, it’s that it doesn’t seem interested in rushing. and maybe that’s what makes it such a strange little symbol for the kind of love i want.

everything around us moves so quickly. the demands, the schedules, and even conversations sometimes feel like something we have to finish before moving on.

then there’s you, with your stories that apparently have no deadline.

you’ll tell me what happened today, remember another detail halfway through, somehow connect it to something from three months ago, and then say, “wait, hindi pa yun yung best part.”

pero alam mo, i don’t want you to hurry anymore.

i’ve learned that listening isn’t always about waiting for someone to finish so you can respond. sometimes it’s simply letting them take their time, even when the story is ordinary and the details don’t really matter.

sometimes i just like that you thought to tell me.

there are nights when the world feels loud everywhere else, but our conversation becomes its own little quiet place. the coffee beside us goes cold, notifications get ignored, and the minutes keep passing without either of us checking.

outside, everyone is rushing. inside, we can take our time.

sa tingin ko, that’s one of the sweetest things you can give someone: the feeling that they don’t have to make themselves interesting to deserve your attention.

at ayon, medyo walang bisa na sa akin yung salitang “kwento mo sa pagong”.

it used to mean i don’t believe you.

now, sometimes, it means tell me anyway.

and eventually, maybe it means you don’t have to hurry.

i don’t think love is only built from the big moments. sometimes it’s built from the stories that could’ve been shorter, the complaints you’ll forget tomorrow, the random details that only matter because they happened to you.

those are the things that accumulate.

and maybe years from now, we’ll be older and slower, sitting somewhere outside with our coffee going cold again. you’ll tell me another story, maybe one i’ve already heard, and i’ll still let you finish.

because by then, i won’t be listening because i need to know what happened.

i’ll be listening because it’s you.

kung ang pagong lang ang may oras para sa mahahabang kwento, magiging pagong ako para sa’yo—may oras ako para sa kwento mo, pati na rin sa mga kwentong hindi mo pa alam kung paano ikukwento.

so if the world keeps rushing, let it.

you can take the long way when you’re with me.

kwento mo sa akin. hayaan mo na yung pagong. 

and i hope i’ll still be here for every story you haven’t told me yet.

“mag-aral ka muna.”

mag-aaral naman ako, ma, pa.

hindi naman ako umaalis sa school. hindi ko naman tinatapon yung mga pangarap ko. i know what you’ve done for me, and i know why you keep reminding me to study. alam ko kung gaano karaming bagay ang isinantabi para magkaroon ako ng mga pagkakataong hindi niyo laging nakuha. and i don’t take that for granted.

kaya mag-aaral ako. i’ll get there. baka hindi ngayon, baka hindi exactly the way we imagined it, pero aabutin ko rin.

ang hirap lang minsan kasi habang lumalaki ako, parang hindi lang pala pangarap ko yung dala ko. dala ko rin yung pangarap niyo para sa akin.

and i don’t say that as a complaint. sometimes, comforting din malaman na may mga taong ganoon ka-laki ang tiwala sa akin. pero may bigat din pala ang maging taong pinaniniwalaan.

kapag mababa yung grade kaysa sa inaasahan ko, hindi lang “sayang” yung naiisip ko. napupunta agad sa “baka nadidismaya sila.” kapag may buong tanghali akong walang ginagawa, instead of enjoying it, naiisip ko kung ilang oras sana yung nailaan ko sa pag-aaral. kahit walang nagsasabi sa akin na dapat akong ma-guilty, somehow, natutunan ko nang gumawa ng sarili kong guilt.

thats what “mag-aral ka muna” slowly became for me. hindi naman siya naging dahilan para ayawan ko ang pag-aaral. naging dahilan siya para maramdaman kong kailangan munang maghintay ang lahat ng iba.

gala can wait. friends can wait. love can wait. even figuring out who i am can wait. may exam muna, deadline muna, kailangan munang ma-achieve.

sige, i understand why.

you want me to have a future. gusto niyo akong magkaroon ng choices, maging independent, at magkaroon ng buhay na hindi puro survival. gusto kong maabot din iyon. gusto kong dumating yung araw na ako naman yung magsasabi sa inyo na “okay na, kayo naman.”

pero sometimes i wish you knew that wanting something badly doesn’t mean i’m never going to be scared of it.

i can want the future you’ve imagined for me and still be terrified of disappointing you. i can be grateful for every opportunity you’ve given me and still admit that sometimes, the pressure gets too loud.

because when you’re the person everyone believes will make it, eventually you start wondering whether you’re chasing the dream itself or just trying not to disappoint the people who believe in you.

and i don’t want that.

ayokong umabot sa future na pinaghirapan ko tapos maramdaman kong hindi ko naman talaga naranasan yung ngayon. gusto ko pa ring maglakwatsa (hahaha), makilala yung mga taong magiging parte ng buhay ko, ma-in love someday, gumawa ng mistakes, and discover things about myself that won’t necessarily appear on a résumé.

and none of that means i’m ungrateful.

if anything, it’s because i care so much about everything you’ve given me that i’m scared of getting it wrong.

maybe your sacrifices were never supposed to become a debt i spend my whole life repaying. you gave me an opportunity because you wanted me to live better, not because you wanted me to spend my entire life proving that i deserved it.

so, ma, pa, mag-aaral naman ako.

i’ll work for it. i’ll take the future seriously. i’ll keep trying, even on the days when i don’t feel confident about where i’m going.

pero sana habang ginagawa ko lahat iyon, hayaan niyo rin akong mabuhay.

because one day, maybe i’ll become everything you hoped i would be. maybe i’ll graduate, build the career i want, and finally reach the life we’ve been working toward.

but what if i don’t?

what if i take longer? what if i fail? what if the dream changes somewhere along the way?

proud pa rin ba kayo sa akin?

i think that’s the question underneath everything.

not whether you’ll be proud when i succeed. i’m pretty sure you will.

i want to know if you’ll still be proud while i’m still becoming.

because i don’t want to be your golden ticket only after i become successful.

i want to know that i was already worth being proud of while i was still figuring it out.

mag-aaral naman ako, ma, pa.

i promise.

pero habang nagiging taong gusto niyong maging ako, sana hayaan niyo rin akong maging ako muna.

may mga childhood disappointments na sobrang liit na nakakatuwang balikan kapag matanda ka na. one of mine was opening the freezer after school, already excited for something cold and sweet, only to discover that the Selecta tub was lying to me.

i would reach for it with frost already sticking to my fingers, the plastic cold and slightly brittle from being opened so many times. iniisip ko na kung Double Dutch ba o Cookies and Cream, maybe i could have a little dessert before doing anything else. tapos pag-angat ko ng takip, may tilapia.

tangina.

not ice cream. not even close.

just a frozen fish sitting inside a container that had once promised me happiness.

as a kid, i genuinely thought this was some kind of betrayal. bakit ba kasi kailangan ilagay yung isda sa Selecta tub? wala bang ibang lalagyan? bakit kailangan yung lalagyan na may picture ng ice cream? for a few seconds, i wasn’t thinking about dinner. i was thinking about the dessert i thought i was getting.

looking back, i think that’s funny because the Selecta tub was actually doing exactly what Filipino households are good at making things do: survive beyond their original purpose.

after the ice cream was gone, the container didn’t become useless. naging lalagyan siya ng tilapia. or bangus. or whatever needed to be kept in the freezer. yung garapon ng mayonnaise naging baso, yung lalagyan ng biscuits became storage, and the plastic containers we thought were disposable somehow kept appearing at the next meal.

there was always another use for something.

sayang naman.

i used to hear that phrase all the time without thinking much about it. ngayon, i think it’s one of the quietest philosophies our families pass down. don’t throw something away if it can still help. don’t waste what you have when you can make it last a little longer. kung may pagkain pa, itabi. kung may lalagyan pa, gamitin. kung may natira, may bukas pa.

that’s why the fish inside the Selecta tub means something different to me now.

because somebody had to think about that fish before i ever saw it.

someone had to buy it, bring it home, clean it, cook it, and eventually put whatever was left inside that old container. maybe they weren’t thinking about love at all. maybe they were just thinking about what everyone would eat tomorrow.

but isn’t that sometimes what love looks like?

i grew up in a household where affection wasn’t always expressed through the things you see in movies. there weren’t always grand declarations or perfectly timed moments where somebody tells you exactly how much they care. more often, love sounded like my family asking if i had eaten, reminding me to bring an umbrella, telling me there was food in the refrigerator, or making sure i had enough money before leaving the house.

those things can feel so ordinary that you forget they’re acts of care.

until you realize that somebody had to remember.

somebody had to notice.

somebody had to think about you when you weren’t even there.

that’s why i sometimes struggle with the way i understand love now. i grew up knowing love as something practical, but somewhere along the way, i started wanting the kind that was easier to recognize. the flowers, the long messages, the surprise visits, the kind of affection that makes you feel undeniably chosen.

i wanted ice cream love.

something sweet enough that i wouldn’t have to question whether it was love at all.

but the older i get, the more i realize that sweetness and care aren’t always the same thing.

someone can make you feel special and still not know how to stay when things become difficult. someone can say all the right things and still forget the small things that actually make your life easier. and someone who isn’t particularly good at expressing themselves can still be the person who remembers what time you get home, notices when you haven’t eaten, or keeps a little something for you because they knew you’d probably want it later.

that’s not the kind of love that looks impressive from the outside.

pero maybe it doesn’t need to.

because there are days when you don’t need someone to make your life sweeter. you need someone who makes it a little easier to carry. you need someone who understands that sometimes kumain ka na? is not just a question about food. it’s someone asking if you’re okay without making you explain yourself.

and i think that’s what i missed about the tilapia.

i was so focused on the fact that it wasn’t ice cream that i didn’t notice what it meant that there was fish at all.

there was going to be dinner.

there was something saved for later.

there was somebody thinking ahead.

as a child, i thought the Selecta tub had disappointed me because it wasn’t what i wanted it to be. now, i think maybe it taught me something about wanting the wrong thing.

because sometimes you open the freezer expecting a little sweetness, and instead you find something much less exciting but much more necessary.

ice cream is a celebration, but fish is survival.

and maybe love can be both.

maybe i don’t have to stop wanting the sweet kind. i can still appreciate flowers and long messages and all the little things that make love feel beautiful. but i also don’t want to overlook the person who stays after the sweetness is gone, who thinks about tomorrow, who makes sure there is still something left when the day gets difficult.

because maybe that’s what the Selecta tub was trying to tell me all along.

the ice cream was never the only thing worth keeping.

sometimes, the thing inside the container matters more than the picture on the lid.

akala ko ice cream. tangin* tilapia pala.

and somehow, after all these years, i’m grateful it was.

my shoulders have always been good at pretending they aren’t tired.

maybe that’s the closest thing i have to a superpower. i can walk into a room carrying ten different things in my head and still ask someone else how their day went. i can be worried about something and somehow still find the energy to make everyone laugh. i can have a hundred thoughts fighting for space in my mind and still say, “sige, ako na,” as if there was never anything else i could have said.

at siguro, i became strong out of habit.

not because i wanted to be, but because there were always things that needed to be carried. may mga responsibilidad na hindi puwedeng iwan, mga taong ayaw mong pabayaan, mga pangarap na ayaw mong amining nakakatakot abutin. eventually, you learn how to put everything on your shoulders and keep walking, even when you don’t really know where you’re going anymore.

and for the most part, i can do it.

i can carry expectations without complaining. kaya kong ngumiti kahit may iniisip. kaya kong makinig sa problema ng iba kahit may sarili rin akong hindi masabi. i can spend an entire day being productive, being present, being useful, and by the time the sun goes down, i can almost convince myself that i never needed anything either.

almost.

because there is something about nighttime that makes pretending impossible.

kapag tahimik na ang bahay at wala nang nagme-message, wala nang kailangang tapusin, wala nang ibang boses na puwedeng pagtuunan ng pansin, doon nagsisimulang bumalik lahat ng bagay na buong araw kong tinakasan. the thoughts i pushed aside in the morning suddenly have all night to speak. the things i called “small” become the things i can’t stop thinking about.

and i hate how honest i become at that hour.

during the day, kaya kong sabihin na hindi naman big deal. kaya kong sabihin na malalampasan ko rin. i can convince myself that tomorrow will be better because tomorrow is far enough away for me to believe in.

pero kapag gabi na, tomorrow feels too close.

doon ko nararamdaman kung gaano pala kabigat yung mga bagay na matagal ko nang binubuhat. hindi dahil dumami sila, but because i finally stopped moving long enough to feel their weight.

maybe that is why i keep myself busy.

maybe being busy is easier than being alone with everything i refuse to admit.

because when i am needed, i know exactly who i am. i know what to do, what to say, where to go. pero kapag ako naman ang kailangang alagaan, i suddenly have no idea how to ask.

how do you tell someone you’re tired when you’ve spent so long convincing everyone that you’re okay?

how do you put something down when you’ve already convinced yourself that carrying it is your responsibility?

sometimes, i don’t need someone to solve anything for me. i don’t need a speech about how everything will work out. i don’t even need someone to tell me that i’m strong.

gusto ko lang ng isang gabi na wala akong kailangang maging.

hindi leader. hindi kaibigan na laging may advice. hindi taong laging may sagot. hindi yung version ng sarili ko na kayang ngumiti kahit gusto na lang niyang matulog.

just me. a tired person allowed to be tired.

and maybe tomorrow, i’ll be ready again. maybe pagdating ng umaga, babalik na naman yung lakas na matagal kong nakasanayan. i’ll pick up the responsibilities, answer the messages, meet the expectations, and carry whatever finds its way back to me.

pero sana hindi ngayong gabi.

because my shoulders can carry the weight of the world if they have to.

i just wish the world understood that even strong shoulders need somewhere to rest.

and if tonight is the only time i get to put everything down without explaining why, then please let me have it.

hindi ako sumusuko.

hindi ko tinatakasan ang buhay.

i’m just asking for a few quiet hours where nothing needs to be carried, nothing needs to be fixed, and nobody needs me to be stronger than i already am.

the world can wait until morning.

for now, let me rest.

please.

not tonight.

i’ve always found it interesting how sampaguitas are almost always sold outside churches.

they spend the whole day in someone’s hands, waiting for a stranger to buy them—not to keep them, but to offer them to something they deeply believe in. they were never meant to be the center of attention. somehow, they’ve always existed to become part of an act of devotion.

maybe that’s why i’ve always liked them. not because they’re the national flower. but because they remind me that some kinds of love are quiet enough to look like faith.

i once came across the story behind their name. they say “sampaguita” came from the words sumpa kita—“i promise you.” whether the legend is true or not almost doesn’t matter anymore, because somehow the meaning stayed. i like to believe every garland carries that promise anyway.

and maybe that’s what you’ve become to me.

ikaw ang katedral.

the kind of place people return to not because they have to, but because something in them finds peace there. the kind of place that quietly witnesses promises, prayers, and people hoping for better days.

at ako ang sampaguita.

the flower that’s almost always waiting outside your doors, never asking to be taken home, only hoping to become part of someone’s devotion.

and maybe that’s why this metaphor never really felt like a metaphor to me.

because if you’re the cathedral, then every part of me already knows where it wants to be offered.

and if every sampaguita is a promise woven into white petals, then let mine be the simplest one i’ll ever make to you.

sumpa kita.