I sit near the exit, as always

A butterfly tries to break the window from inside, rests in between stops, no one sees what I see

I am plotting an escape, fate again

Its wings are tired and I hear every attempt

against the glass, tiny but carrying the entire world and its endings

Come here, we'll leave together

and it flies to my seat like commanded

I pick it up gently with my hands,

You'll have to trust me this once, butterfly

We get off the next stop, lunges from my palm

My next bus arrives, on time

the effect flies through new skies,

wild again

hi, fruits! long time no see 🍎 we have a lot to catch up on, but for now take this little poem i wrote just now from my rescue mission this morning. thank you for reading, all in good time 🍎 amanda

Ironically, seasons pass. As if to amuse me. I insist its ritual, the way I submit to grey skies, the sun speaks in honesty; habit! Habit! Habit! We are not pointing fingers, but I feel the hand coming towards me.

The passing from grey to green, not really winter and not really spring, as if the earth holds its breath and I hold it within me. It is the seconds before the kiss, uncertain, uncomfortable to be so close yet so far. Then when two pair of lips crash into each other, or very well sinks into one, there is only colour and life. Young petals pushing against all odds. It is so lush that it raises questions. How do we manifest this love? How do we eternalise it? How do we spread it like clovers across the earth? When can I kiss you? When can I kiss you again?

The last day of march pleads - I tried, I tried, I tried. April promises me light and magnolia perfuming the winds. April, with its blooming and its living despite reminds me that I have a bad habit of drawing a square and staying in it. I would only open the door wide enough to let myself drown in reveries, but you, you draw me out. Not with violence or demolishing of walls, but with light, with warmth.

I have come to accept that I will never get used to the changing of the seasons. No matter how hard I try to conceptualise, no matter how many poems I write about Spring, the light will always take me by surprise. A good thing in many ways. I thrive when the wind takes me wherever it wishes. I hate not knowing where I am going as much as I hate being too aware.

Yesterday the sun was shining while a thick blanket of clouds embraced the entire sky. I could feel the warmth passing through like a hand reaching. It was very strange, but it felt like hope.

Spring is here.

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When Taylor first put out her debut album, the rage was quite similar to this. What is she doing? She can’t do country! She has no idea what she is doing, this will not last, I hope she fails. The same thing happened with Speak Now, and later Red, and even 1989. Three beautiful pillars of pop music, yet you wanted to burn those records to the ground when they dropped. She writes too much about heartbreak, her lyrics doesn’t make sense, too many metaphors, who is she trying to fool? Apparently, she cannot do anything right.

Any person could listen to any album of Taylor’s and would see that she brings a certain nuance to the table. No song is the same, the themes explore different topics and different layers of the artist are approached in clever writing, catchy rhythms and heartbreaking chord progressions. She is mindful of what fantasy she brings into the album, what world she is creating and what sort of atmosphere she is building for the fans to experience. In that way, we can relate to her. We see the things she sees, feel the things she feels because she made it that way. Her intentions are direct and honest, even when they are not.

Over time, the singles that dominated the lists were the songs that were easier to digest. The ones with direct meaning and catchy melodies so the general public would understand the context and dance along with it. Instead of being met by gratitude, you are finally doing what we asked! It is still, somehow, wrong. Now, she’s annoying. Just another pop-singer with nothing real in her songs. I fear that Taylor has been forced to coddle the masses her entire career, and by doing so, has made it ill with greed. And worst of all, ill with entitlement.

The debate that Taylor only sings about exes and heartbreak has been going on for almost the entirety of her career. I remember when folklore came out and everyone hated it since it lacked familiarity to the Taylor we knew. Too fictional, boring, bad production. They wanted pop-Taylor and took the ‘sudden’ turn of genre as a sign that she was burning out. Finally. Right? Turns out folklore was so beloved that it even got a sister album. And now Taylor’s only competition, her only measurement of talent and skill, is what she has made in the past. The cycle continues as it has always been and it is tiring! It seems like people get off on hating everything Taylor creates.

I want to claim that the same people that critique her ‘lack’ of lyricism clearly do not listen well enough. Showgirl is fun, lovable, honest and showcases a new side to Taylor and her discography. One where she isn’t dreaming of running away or dying. One where she can admit that she wants a simple life where she can bake bread for her husband and their kids. One where she has found exactly what she has been dreaming of since the beginning of her career. And your first reaction is to wish for a terrible and painful breakup so that you can bask in her misery in the next album? Taylor is suddenly ‘bad at writing’ and ‘cringe’. TTPD received the same treatment, except that it was too sad and too autobiographical. But now, everyone wants it back. Did you even listen to any of the lyrics? You only like her when she is miserable.

The trend of hating Taylor Swift seems to be immortal, even though she’s the biggest popstar in the world. I cannot help but to feel like we go back to square one every time she releases new music. Like I am fighting for my life over Red or Reputation. We know that no album of Taylor’s will ever be the same. She is constantly evolving and changing. So why are you so desperate to lock her in a box?

It is okay to not enjoy an album, but parading your opinion as if you haven’t adopted every argument, every thought from the internet is a cheap attempt to look cool. If you miss the lyricism so much, there’s 11 other albums you can listen to instead.

Anyway.

Stream Actually romantic !!!!

For the Swifties, which are your top 3 from Showgirl? Mine are Wood, Elizabeth Taylor and Ruin the friendship/Actually romantic. It changes after every listen, though <3

Loveeeee, Amanda

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It has been…. a while.

What started as a break from my tarot-series, ended up as a break from my newsletter altogether. Unintentional, but needed as we were getting ready to go on a trip, a wedding and starting a new course at Uni immediately after. I figured we’d talk for a bit, get re-acquainted as I bring my beloved newsletter back from the dead. Let me know what you have been up to this August. Are you ready to let go of Summer? Are you excited for a new season to start?

August was a pretty hectic month for me. I spent the beginning of the month at my parents house, dog and house-sitting. Later we prepared for our trip to Greece, stocking up on proper sunscreen and light-weight garments to wear on the beach. Coming from a fairly cold country, we could only assume the difference in temperatures would stir the pot. (Spoiler, it did). We flew on the 21st and arrived at our hotel in the late afternoon, tired and hungry. I think we grabbed a bite at the hotel, went for a swim, ate dinner later in the evening and fell asleep early. The days spent in the warmth blend together like melted ice cream.

We spent the first couple of days by the ocean. Reading, swimming, playing in the waves. Drinking cold soda and eating our body weight in potato chips. We watched the sun glide over the bluest of skies, until it tucked in just behind the mountains. We played Yatzy on our balcony until the night swallowed the sky and it was time to sleep. In the morning, from our table at breakfast, we watched the lady with an orange bucket hat reserve her sun-bed and swim so far out from the shore, she looked like a buoy floating in the horizon. One time, she swam so far out the boats passing actually had to tell her to swim back. Something about being in their lane, and the dangers of it all. A danish couple had their eyes on this woman, too. At breakfast, the man went to the reception and borrowed binoculars to see if she was struggling to stay afloat. Alerting the staff, everyone was worried she would disappear into the ocean one morning. But she never did. She came back, unbothered like she hadn’t spooked all of us. When her orange bucket hat was drying on her sun-bed, we knew we could relax for a while.

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We had booked two excursions. They both took place towards the ending of our trip, giving us one day to recover before flying home. Walking and existing in such hot temperatures was an interesting culture-shock for us. Most days, it was simply too hot out to be outside. In Sweden, when the sun is out, it’s basically law to spend the day outside. It was weird to admit defeat and spend the hottest hours in our room, watching The Office and drinking lots of water. I did not complain, though.

We came home on Thursday, giving us Friday to prepare for the wedding on Saturday. I still had no shoes (lol). After running around the mall, we went to the venue to start setting the tables and decorating everything for the big day. Me and my friend gathered the wedding agendas that we were going to hand out to all the guests as they came. It still feels surreal talking about it. I have known the bride for 15 years, and now she’s marrying the love of her life. I remember meeting him for the first time at her birthday party so many years ago. I had started doing tarot and I did a reading for her at some point that night. I do not remember the exact card I got, but I had said that he was someone to keep. Possibly even the one. And now we’re tying ribbons behind their chairs, placing flowers on tables and name cards for all their friends and family. It is weird how life works, sometimes.

And so, Saturday came. I woke up at 6am and unable to fall back asleep. After breakfast, my friend came over to get ready with me and my Alex. Doing our makeup, listening to Sabrina and me later curling and styling her hair felt awfully nostalgic to how we’ve spent our girlhood together. Being with her and doing these things felt like we were just 14 again, but we were getting ready for our girl-friend’s wedding. This very day felt so far away in our youth, so out of reach, so beautifully impossible and non-existent and non-realistic. And now, it is here? You cannot help to drown in sentimental feelings. And gratitude. And love!

We arrived at the venue with a laser focus. We grabbed the agendas and came in time for the guests to arrive and take their seats in the church. At the entrance of the church, we handed friends and family their agendas and some tiny sugar hearts to throw at the couple when they walk down the stairs as newlyweds.

Taking our seats, seeing the groom all nervous upfront, felt unreal. To greeting the beautiful bride that was hiding in the back, looking like a dream in white, to holding my love’s hand in excitement for the church bells to start chiming, I could not decide whether to cry or to laugh. As soon as the gates opened, and she walked into the room, I started bawling my eyes out. How could I not!

The ceremony was beautiful. I feel warm just thinking about it. We arrived at the venue where bubbly was served and guests were meeting and chatting. I felt anxious at this time as I had a speech to deliver at dinner. I also decided to give a speech two days prior (lol), so I had no time to practice! It was going to come from the heart, from wherever I was storing these memories I have of us. Being an anxious public speaker, I felt betrayed by myself for signing up for this. But I also felt brave, and I knew the bride would want me to say something. Alex was my rock all evening, and he assured me that I simply could not fail at this. I am going up there to talk to my bestie, and not a room full of strangers.

The couple arrived after their photo-sesh. Looking beautiful, of course. The party was starting and we were heading inside for dinner, and eventually my speech.

And it went well! The food was delicious and the speeches were just so creative and fun and so lovely to be a part of. Alex recorded them all (a special mission given to him by the bride) and now he’s also a big part of the preservation of the memories made. After dinner, they served coffee and cake. After fika, the tables were put aside to reveal the dance floor. We danced for a good while, until we called it a night at half past 12. The bride was impressed with how we had managed to stay for so long. I thought we’d last a bit longer than that, but alas, we are just a set of pre-mature grandparents. With aching feet and happy smiles, we got home to our apartment. Grateful, joyful and exhausted — we fell asleep quickly.

A new semester has rolled in, and the first day was a disaster. I felt anxious, unprepared and uninterested all day. After the introduction-seminar, I felt even worse. The course sounds awful, I did not really click with the group I applied to the course with and I left uninspired. That always gives it away for me. If a teacher or a professor fails to inspire me, then I know I have come to the wrong place. They do not need to change my world, or even promise a fun course, they just need to be able to interest me. And I felt like I would die out of dread.

After class, I had work. I work a few hours a week at the jewellery store I fled from last year. This time is different, maybe, I am allowing myself to try fewer hours and less responsibilities. Knowing me, I take on too much. And that won’t do if I plan on studying at the same time.

So, I hate the course. Two days in and it makes me sick thinking about spending another minute in that environment. I have talked to everyone on campus about changing course altogether, and I have applied to another which I am waiting to hear from. Hopefully, I get in. Hopefully, I won’t have to take this semester off. I know what you are thinking. Just endure, it is not the end of the world if you study something you hate. For me, it is. I am trying to know myself better in situations like these since I know I have struggled with complications like these in the past. There are many times where I have wished I’d just walked out the first 15-minutes. The feeling is completely abnormal, very difference from just being uncomfortable. It is like my entire being, the ground I walk on, the air that surrounds me, everything is saying no. It’s not a terrible place to be, it is just wrong. So I am doing everything in my power to honour my intuition. You are allowed to try and then change your mind, as my grandmother would say. Now, I am just eager to get on with it. Determined to never return to that dreadful place.

This is where I am at. As I am writing this, I am getting ready for another shift at the boutique. Closing shift. I feel weird, anxious and I am dreading leaving my apartment. But I will. Somehow, I will.

Overall, a perfect summer with my love, my family and my friends. Maybe I’ll write a separate post for that. I miss my navy winter coat though. I miss my sweaters, my socks and my boots.

I will see you when I see you. Hopefully, I’ll have time to do some more readings soon. Hopefully, I’ll write poetry again. Until then, have this one that I wrote in another life where I faced a situation similar to this.

Loveeeeeee,

Amanda

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Roots

it is a quiet Wednesday night
and i have outgrown
yet another version of myself.
the narrative i once owned,
the land i once called home,
is no ones now.
i am beginning to grow my own roots again.

As always, my readings are deeply relatable and personal to me. I think this one is especially directed towards me, hence all the cards. I’ll try to compartmentalise this the best I can. I was not expecting this to be one of those bigger readings, I feel emotionally unprepared, a little scared of what I might find or even miss.

There are six cards in total. I shuffled, did not feel anything, pulled two. I felt like something was missing, and so I started shuffling again, and four cards flew out and onto the floor. Literally everywhere. When that happens, and it is often, I know to just accept the message. It cannot be delivered any clearer, the meaning is literally thrown at me. Who am I to decline? Even though it’ll be a lot to chew.

I hope you find something in this week’s reading, if not guidance, maybe comfort. Maybe even entertainment. I feel happy to be doing this every week. That I have regained confidence in my place on here. I have received comments that has warmed my heart and given life to my motivation. Thank you for indulging me, thank you for reading.

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July 28, 2025 — Honey just put your sweet lips on my lips, we should just kiss like real people do! (Hozier)

Major Arcana —
III (The Empress) — Cultivating peace and harmony, in communion with nature.

A woman sits on a rock at the edge of the water. Feet dangling and creating ripples across the calm of the surface. A bluebird is sat on her hand, facing her. She is wearing a laurel crown over her long hair. Behind her, there is only nature, a thick forest with stones and moss and earth. Her back is turned towards it, symbolising a trust between her and the green behind her.

Minor Arcana —
Ace of Chalices — Feeling refreshed, overflowing emotions, let the world receive your gifts.
Four creatures bend over the side of a ravine. One of them is pouring life sustaining water from a barrel. It seems to be endless, overflowing.

Six of Chalices — Fond moments with your loved ones, recalling memories, enjoying your time with someone special.
A couple meet on top of a flowery hill. They are wearing formal clothing, they are gazing each other with happiness in their eyes. The woman seems to stand in mid-curtesy, thank you for a lovely night, she seems to be telling the other.

Queen of Pentacles — Offer counsel to those in need, comfort, being protected by loved ones.
Four creatures stand around a woman seated on a stone infront of them. She is wearing a crown and she is glowing like the sun.

Four of Wands — Racing towards a goal/destination, taking your own path, doing it your way.
Two riders sit on a horse as it races through the forest. The first rider is holding a golden halter, symbolising control of the horse. The other rider maintains their seating despite sitting near the horses behind.

Five of Wands — Rise above, release tensions, refocus.
Five wolves bay at a wanderer lost in the forest. One brave wolf bites at the scarf, tugging at the creature who screams in response. Things are not looking good for the poor soul.

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I feel like something important has happened in your life, and the cards can tell that too. Could be a new relationship, a new job, a new project you can dig your creative fingers into. Congrats either way! The Empress symbolises a certain peace, an emotional or spiritual achievement. It is true what they say, spending time in nature does heal you in so many ways. Spending time with people you love has that healing effect, too. This sudden appreciation for nature, or even your own well being and your surroundings is a strong sign that you are regaining your focus to what’s really important. Good relationships, precious memories and being in the moment cultivates belonging and meaning, making your life feel full again. Maybe you have taken on a new hobby, finished a book that gave you a new perspective, started dancing, moving with intention again rather than to punish yourself. All of these are good, all of these will make your time feel meaningful again. Like when you were a kid and the days felt well spent. Just know you are on the right path, keep tending to what rests close to your heart rather than tensions, the past or things you cannot control.

Seeing a bluebird can symbolise good news or happiness. I can tell that you are happier now than you have been for a while. This is a time to be appreciating the now, spending time with people that gives life to your creativity and your own sense of meaning. Trust that your loved ones support you in your dreams, your goals and your aspirations. You do not need to explain yourself for every little thing going on in your mind, as long as you move with intention, move with certainty, the right people will cheer you on. If someone seems to doubt you, doubt in your abilities, know that its not reality. Their projections are not your responsibility.

By cultivating your inner peace, it will shine through you. You are a safe space, a great comfort to those around you. Your resilience, your motivation unmoved, your dreams reach the moon and then some — this brings endless inspiration to others. Your ability to conquer and rise above will come in hand when dealing with self-doubt as well as others trying to dim your light or shrink you. If someone tries to tell you that you are not capable, recognise this as projection of their own fear of not doing enough, kindly ask them to take a look inwards rather than bringing you down to their level. You are destined for great things, do not take that lightly. Beware of those trying to hurt you whilst you are trying to find your footing. If you feel unsure in a situation, take that as a sign. Be careful who you are confiding in. The Five of Wands wants you to be aware of your surroundings, is there currently a wolf tugging at your scarf? Refocus and rise above their attempt at destruction. If your intuition is telling you that something is off, then it probably is.

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This weekend might have been a pivotal moment for you (I know it has for me). You return home refreshed, filled with appreciation for nature, your family and your friendships, whatever that is important to you. It is like you have bathed in sunlight and come back completely rinsed of all those things that plagued your mind. Simple moments, like discussing memories with your family, sharing a meal, celebrating a birthday — makes you think of how this is what really matters. Connection. Companionship. You know these moments are fleeting, you only know their value when you look back, that is what makes them so special and necessary. By letting go of control and your expectations of everything being ‘perfect’, you open up doors for more moments like these. You cannot plan valuable life lessons from your grandmother or falling asleep next to your father like you did when you were a child. These things just happen, they are not big events, just every day-life things that you miss out on when you are stuck in a certain rhythm of modern design. Give yourself peace and space to enjoy your life again without thinking so damn much about it. That way, meaning will blossom again.

I sense a new relationship, or a new perspective to an ongoing one. It feels fresh, fluttery and bubbly. You feel lucky in their presence, lucky to have found someone who feels right. This card wants you to indulge in that moment, be receptive to unconditional love, allow yourself to be loved the way you love. It could also be a reunion of some sort, maybe with girlfriends, maybe with your partner, maybe with family, give in to the moment. Do not think twice if you deserve this kind of happiness, no not recall your steps, just let love bloom where you are. This is a time for indulging in your own pleasures. The fear you have hold onto is no longer serving you. There are people waiting to love you. Let them in.

If there is a specific goal you have in mind, whether that be something personal or work-related, this is a sign to go for it. Maybe a business opportunity has arisen, everything is already laid out, there is no reason for you to doubt, just grab that opportunity by its throat and make it yours. Make it mean something. What is really stopping you? Lack of confidence? Lack of willpower? These will be your downfall. You are not jumping from a mountain, you can always change your mind. Do not let yourself settle for a plan, a person or whatever just because it fits, just because it’s already decided. Nothing ever is decided! Everything is a choice that you keep making over and over again! If you are uncomfortable in a situation you are free to remove yourself from it. Despite what you might think, you are not set in stone. Let yourself move, breathe and grow.

You are dipping your toes in what could be described as being authentic and creating things out of your own authenticity. You are not really diving in. What is holding you back? Why are you hiding behind this persona that is nonchalant and…. ultimately more unique and better than everyone else? You want the price without working for it. You want something without really believing in it. Believing in yourself. What makes you stand out? You cannot call yourself a creator if you only follow what has already been created. You are inspired, you are influenced and those are fine. Claiming it as your own is not. Now, create something that might as well be your bleeding heart put on a table. What makes you special, your beliefs, your values, your core is what ultimately makes what your work authentic.

Let go of the notion that success/knowledge comes from a pre-made model, a template, it takes time and caring hands. Everyone’s journey is different. The ones that made it paved their own weird little way. You need to cultivate your creativity, not use it as a prop. Trust that you can do that, too. Think of the two riders; are you holding the halter? Or are you almost falling off? Are you decisive, careful and intentional with your journey? Or are you struggling to keep the vision alive? Struggling to focus on the task at hand? Well, this is your sign to SNAP OUT OF IT! YOU ARE YOUR OWN WORST ENEMY! OMG! YOU ARE CAPABLE OF ANYTHING YOU SET YOUR MIND TO! Make a list of what you want to achieve. What you want to create. Discover yourself, navigate your creative process, map out how you want things to be. What would you create without the influence of another? Without inspiration, without that fire, what are you left with?

An Ace of Chalices represents creativity, love and compassion. The overflowing of the barrel symbolises your subconscious mind; emotions in abundance and intuition. The creature holding the barrel is certain, representing a force within you that is deeply aware of yourself and surroundings. If I pour water here, the ground will bloom. Let that be the reality for when you invest emotionally in people and projects. The love and compassion that overflows from you are your greatest strengths, and it is time for you to make choices that align with those. All aces represent an invitation, meaning there could be an opportunity coming your way. Maybe in love, in friendship, in creative spaces — either way, this is your sign to accept that invitation with an open heart. You cannot know what blossoms from saying yes, but you are shutting potential doors when saying no. Every decision you make is a lesson in how much you are willing to trust yourself. When you have a clear vision of what you achieve, there is nothing holding you back from lunging towards that goal. Let the Four of Wands nudge you in the proper direction, you are making the right decision, this is the right person, just go for it!

By retrieving your bond with nature, with interests you abandoned, relationships you cherish, you are nourishing the relationship to yourself. Your wellbeing is dependent on you taking your time to learn what makes you feel happy, grateful and safe. I feel like this reading wants you to calm down, you are too much in your head, release the tensions, let go of bad ‘friends’ and let real love back into your life.

I felt myself being pulled in different directions, so naturally the reading mirrors that. Overall, a reading filled with promises of love, light and abundance! Be creative! Be authentic! Not too bad. I hope you’re diving in head first into new opportunities, and oh! Go on that date! Let me know how it goes!

Love you !!!!

Amanda

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Thank you for reading !
Amanda

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Waiting for Friday or the weekend does not correlate with how my brain works. It is like having an appointment midday, and so the hours prior are spent preparing mentally for said appointment. Although I have been keeping myself busy with different things during the week, I could feel myself counting down the hours until I might have the time and the space to draw some cards. But not wanting to, because I want to draw cards, write and publish within the same time frame, and so I felt myself grow anxious. Anxious to have so much time to perform, also anxious to run out of time. Anxiety and intuition are dangerously close to each other, which is why I try to separate the two whenever I spend time with my tarot deck. My anxiety will tell me everything and nothing at the same time while my intuition will solve puzzles, cultivate thoughts into action, depend on secure feelings rather than erratic ones. That makes for a clearer reading, a reading I can fall back into and feel safe within.

I hope this reading will resonate with your current situation or place or mental state, I know it did for me.

July 22, 2025 — I am the best thing at this party! (Taylor Swift)

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Queen of Wands (Minor Arcana)— Courage, independence, confidence

A field of white and yellow flowers blossoms across the field like stars in the night sky. A woman is sat in the midst of the field. A queen! She is wearing white and pearls, her crown is removed and placed next to her amongst the flowers. The woman gazes at the crown, she is content, she is enjoying the moment.

The Queen of wands wants to remind you of your true nature: determined and courageous, you are a steady force that people depend on in uncomfortable situations. Most people would describe you as a ‘social butterfly’, that you get along with everyone and makes everyone feel interesting and listened to. This is a beautiful quality, and this card wants to make you aware of that. Being there for people, giving yourself to others over and over can be exhausting, dangerous even. If you keep pouring into others, you will not have enough to pour into yourself. A tired narrative, I know. This card wants you to know that you carry that special energy that softens edges when the world grows sharp, and that energy is not only for others to enjoy. Do you feel burnt out talking to people in social settings? Are you socially ‘gifted’, but return home as a shell of yourself? This cards wants you to know that there is a thin line between being the best thing at the party and people pleasing. When you are being everyone’s safe space, are you allowing yourself to take part of that? Or are you mentally checking out to offer shelter for others?

This card senses that you have a tendency putting on a mask to appear a certain way to others. Out of fear. Are you afraid of sharing the real you? You appear composed, natural, effortless — I do not know how you do it. You only come undone when no one is around. There is no shame in being honest, and the people close to you will not deem you a fraud for not being perfectly good all the time. They will honestly appreciate that about you! Being confident in yourself is an art, it takes practice and patience. It takes courage to let go of inhibitions. You cannot wake up with confidence like you can with determination, I’ll just power through. Being confident has a lot to do with being honest to yourself and honouring that. Also courage. Courage to be sad, vulnerable, gross, stupid, smart, hot, sexy, happy. We are not a singular layer, confident or not, we are nuanced. Every minute is different, every second matters when our confidence comes crumbling down.

As the queen removes her crown, she also removes all of the expectations others have on her. In the field, she is just existing freely. She removes what does not serve her, to enjoy the moment. She wants you to do the same. The world will still turn if you take time for yourself to reconnect with your own thoughts, your own self. Have you lost the will to nurture your own interests? Maybe a painter/writer/artist turned I do not have time to put paper on the desk, pen in hand, I do not have the strength to be creative. This card wants you to set time aside to not do anything in particular, to enjoy the moment, to reconnect with the self. Having a strong bond to the self where you can identify what you need and when you need it will make you feel confident. You are acting in your own best interest. If not you, who will?

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You radiate effortlessness, health and vitality. A natural leader who can mend crowds, speak eloquently and with a certain magnetism that makes you glow with intention and inspiration. With this, you can instill confidence in others, make them truly feel like they are capable of everything and anything. You are everyones biggest cheerleader and believer, combining wit, wisdom and determination with manifestation, confidence and grit. You are aware that brilliant achievements takes hard work, and with your support the hard work feels worthwhile, fruitful. If a friend comes to you, painted with anxiety, uncertainty and loss of self — a single conversation with you will instill a new sense of belief in them. You have revived them from the dead, given them a sense of purpose and direction and guidance. Your very atmosphere is a gift to all who has access to it.

Given this, you might feel like the group’s therapist, or the healer, or the problem solver. All great titles, it correlates with being top-dog, but it can lead to destructive one-way relationships. Meaning, people around you might love you, depend on you, not for your friendship but for what you offer them, and you are left with your insane magnetism, your undying loyalty — without anyone to confide in. You meet your girl-friend because their situationship is burning up and they need to talk about it. Whatever that is happening with you is put on the shelf. You cannot relate, you cannot connect — that is not what this meeting is for. She needs to confess her sins, and you are the quiet priest in the booth. In this situation, the advice you have comes from another place in you, not directly connected to your own life, it is almost ancestral, ancient. You just know exactly what to say. She is forever thankful to have a friend like you in their life, and you are now hollowed out. With exciting things in the works, stories to be told, anecdotes and nonsense what not’s piling up, you carry an entire world inside of you no one will ever see. The cards wants you to be aware of your power, but also be aware of the people benefitting from it. Surround yourself with people who honours your advice, holds on to your words, and reciprocates the love, the interest and the friendship. A friendship consists of equal parties pouring into each other, you are not to pour into someone who leaves you emptied.

This card wants you to make your decisions slow and deliberately. Take your time to really think about what you want in this situation. Maybe you or a loved one has been promoted, or accepted into a new school across the country, lost a friend, gained another, and you are left with how to deal with the uncomfortable change. This is a time of reflection, mulling over what you want with your life, your goals and your dreams. How do they relate to this situation that has unfolded infront of you? How does it affect your plans? Do you feel like you are giving something up? The potential of friendship, a safe workplace, education somehow has become something that threatens your inner peace, your plans. No one is asking you to abandon your dreams, if they are then they can gladly move wherever as long as it’s far from you. I have a feeling you have put your true potential on the shelf, when this comes in fruition, I will be my best self, but different circumstances has pushed this transformation/evolvement further and further away. Why is that? What are you really waiting for? Convenience? There will never be a better time than right now when you are standing at the threshold of something great. Invest in yourself like many people have done prior, go to yourself like you would to a friend, tell yourself: I believe in you, you can achieve anything you want. As you wait for the perfect timing, the perfect day, you’ll grow old and tired. This very second is as good as any, the only problem is the lack of courage. There is no harm in believing in yourself. You should try, try, try. Get that degree, create that business, write that poem, paint that portrait.

XIV, (Temperance) Major Arcana — Balance, purpose, patience, moderation

In addition to the Queen of Wands, I pulled another card. What came of that was XIV (Temperance). The card portrays a creature walking in water, concealed by waves. The creature is covered in lily pads and foliage, and next to its foot there is a crawling snail. Giving the sense of balance to the creatures movement, there is awareness and purpose. This card is to bring balance and patience into your life. It is an invitation to slow down, take a step back and just let life flow through you like waves on water, without force. Temperance wants you to recover — mentally, physically and spiritually. The balance between intention and letting things be is a pendulum. If you are going to do something, do it with purpose. It does not matter if it comes into reality in the next fifteen minutes or fifteen years, what is asked of you is that you are authentic in your desires and your goals. If you feel excited towards a potential project, an opportunity or future plans, that is your sign to go for it. There is no harm in trying. You can always return home. You have meaning, you want things to be a certain way, but there is also freedom in letting things unfold unknowing of the outcome. In relation to our Queen, this card wants you to be aware of your forces, use them when it benefits you, and then be careful with yourself. Let yourself be, for once. Find your footing in your self-confidence. Where do you feel most yourself, most at peace, most confident? If you were to imagine a place where everything is perfect, who is there with you? Spend more time in places where you belong, with people who genuinely loves you, return to yourself after a long voyage, return home.

It is insane to pull these cards not knowing what will unfold as I type. I will never get used to how specific these cards can become, the more I let the words sit in my mouth. I aim to post weekly readings still, but maybe change it to the beginning of the week. For all of our sakes. If you have specific questions you want to have covered, let me know. I am only trying my very best.

Loveeeeeyoulovelovemwahyou,

Amanda

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I have always had a special connection to nature. When covid hit and I found myself stuck at home, nature became my comfort (living in the woods, you would expect nothing less). As I started cultivating my own sense of magic, of spirituality, I could feel my bond to nature grow stronger. With that, my bond with my grandmother grew too. I realise now that teaching a child semi-magical practices would be irresponsible, and my grandmother had waited for me to acquire my own understanding before we could really converse about the topic. I remember sitting down at her dinner table with questions about tarot. It was a random weekday. I had never heard of them before they popped up in my head. She had oracle cards, crystals and other ‘magical’ objects, but not tarot. I found that very odd, considering she had literally everything else. In a way, that confirmed my calling. I was to learn tarot.

My grandmother placed crystals in the corners of my room every week back then. I reckon she was worried that I was diving into the world of spirituality too quickly. I was determined, though. My first tarot deck served me well, but they did not fit my hands. Talking about them gives me an uncomfortable itch in my fingers. My second deck felt like finding something that has been lost for all time. The feeling was surreal, and it sounds like madness when I speak of it, but it was just like, oh, there you are! Those were the cards I chose myself and I spent years working with them. When I say working, I mean learning, decoding, listening, shuffling cards into the night, interpreting the pictures, making sense of symbols and colours. From what I have learned and noticed, tarot is incredibly individual. There are universal meanings for the cards, sure, but it is the relationship between the cards and the reader that gives the meaning a body. Giving that, reading cards takes a lot of practice of intuition. A practice I used to cultivate when I had the time, but have lost as I grew older and busier.

Three years ago, I found my final tarot deck. Since then, I have carried it with me everywhere. The major and minor Arcana is portrayed with artwork from John Bauer, an artist I have admired since my childhood for his paintings of nature. Reading these cards, I feel like I am connected to myself in multiple layers. The memories of a small girl running in the woods looking for trolls and magic everywhere she went. A woman who writes about nature on her free time. Having that connection in this practice gave me more authentic readings, more straight forward messages. I can pull a card or shuffle them all and the card itself would fly out and land infront of me. At 18, I got the magician tattooed on my arm. I hid it from my mother for months. The message? Clear as glass.

So, in honour of nature, summer and me nurturing my neglected spirituality — I have decided to try do a spread each week of July and write them here. I will let the cards decide how many there will be. In this piece, only one was needed. Whatever message I receive might me helpful to you, as well. Or not. That is the beauty of witchcraft, it is not for everyone.

I am not a professional nor an expert, and I do this mainly to make some sense of myself. Take as you will.

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July 11, 2025 — A wake up call for the girl with impostor syndrome.

IX (The hermit) Major Arcana — A young girl stares out into the night. She wears a green crown with seven white burning candles atop. Lucia, is what comes to mind.

Meanings — Inner guidance, wisdom, spiritual enlightenment

Dear hermit, myself

As she looks out into the starry night, she is determined. There is no doubt in her eyes. Her seven candles can represent a message from a guardian angel or a higher self. The number seven wants you to reconnect to your practices, whether that be creative, spiritual or whatever fuels your heart. Seven encourages you to trust yourself and to regain focus of tasks at hand. Where are you going? Where have you been? By being aware and trust in your knowledge, you will be ready for the next step in your journey.

The hermit trusts her inner guidance, even if she is unsure of the outcome. The road she follows is entirely her own, the choices she makes are based off of trust to the higher self. What can I choose in this situation that will align with me? The hermits do not want you to be selfless, she wants you to prioritise your own well being, your goals and your dreams. Is there someone in your life that threatens your inner peace? The hermits wants you to bring awareness to that, of the distance in yourself and your intuition. What made you lose that connection to yourself? Was it intentional or by accident? By being aware of the gap, you can rebuild a trustworthy relationship with yourself by honouring your values, your feelings and your true nature. Is there something that is gnawing at the back of your mind? Maybe, if it almost made you abandon yourself. Truth be told, nothing is worth losing yourself over. Your peace, your heart, your mind — all are sacred pieces you should nurture. As a result, you will feel safe again. The bond you have with yourself is the strongest you can have, even though a bond with another can feel equally as powerful. In some instances, another can know you like you know yourself. They will worry if you push yourself too much or sacrifice yourself for work or toxic relationships. Align yourself with people who respects you, your boundaries and your choices. Those people should also celebrate that you are in tune with yourself and that you are honouring what makes you you.

I can feel a hint of fear, like you cannot really commit to the thought of trusting yourself completely. The concept might feel foreign to you because you have been existing outside of yourself for so long. Letting yourself feel is scary. Letting yourself be hurt or sad or angry feels like a task. It might seem like the easier way is burying those feelings somewhere. It is not! As cliché as it sounds, those feelings will manifest elsewhere and at a time where you least expect it. This card encourages you to trust that your feelings are trying to tell you something. Feelings are messages! If a situation makes you feel sad, then let that feeling rest in you without you trying to get rid of it. Maybe you have agreed to something that you, in all honesty, do not want to do. Maybe you are stretching yourself out too thin for people that simply do not care if you go the extra mile. Approach yourself like a friend trying to figure out a solution, rather than an escape. Even though you have been away for long, you are bound to land on common ground soon. This card wants to bring you home.

I can tell you love learning, but hate calling yourself smart. It is almost like you do not want to adopt that title in fear you are, in every way possible, lacking. It seems like the university, your teachers, the essays you have written and gotten good grades for does not count as validation. What would make you feel wise? What is wisdom to you? Maybe you are ignorant to the perplexed, nuanced and layered nature of wisdom and believe you can hold it in your hand. Wisdom is so broad, you cannot even fathom how versatile wisdom can be, so what makes you think you are expected or even qualified to know it all? No one is asking you to know anything. No one is asking you to be the best at something, either. If you are enrolled at university, or if you are working, or if you are doing something else in correlation to others, what is expected of you is that you do your best. You learn because you want to. You study because you want to broaden your own horizon. Others might have it easier or harder than you, that is their own journey. No one said it would look the same for everyone, even though it might feel like it is designed to fit everyone. Your own journey to wisdom, whatever that means to you, will be the very key to it. Does that make sense? Wisdom is not the destination. The lectures, the work you put into yourself, your studies, your projects, those are all what makes you feel aligned with ‘your wisdom’. Knowing many things does not count, writing a perfect essay does not make you wise. It is how you move through life open to new experiences, interested in other perspectives, willing to learn, eager to discover that makes you, in my opinion, wiser. Wisdom is fine wine, aged with the right amount of time, processed over and over to enunciate the flavour. Wisdom is not yours to swallow, it is yours to taste.

This card notices that you have stopped doing what fuels you, you know. I know you hate that it is brought to the light in this manner, so straight forward. Would you listen if it was delivered in bite sizes? I can almost promise that you have known this for a long time. You felt it. And as I said earlier, feelings are messages, and it is up to you to read them. Maybe it started strong, and then you encountered something that made you doubt your work, your projects or your path. Maybe it even made you doubt yourself, your abilities or whether of you are deserving of those opportunities you dream of. No one said the road was going to be easy, the road is never easy! It cannot be! That is a made up concept to paralyse those who are willing to try! The hermit saw that fire in you, saw how much you wanted to succeed, and when the the wind turned and gave you a challenge, the hermit saw that fire burn out. That is the good thing with fires though, you can always light another! This card has not given up on you, she sees what you are capable of. She encourages you to strike that match once again and burn as bright as the sun, as you once did! There is no stopping those who are willing! Success and failure goes hand in hand, both equally important lessons to learn what works for you.

If you are spiritual, the hermit encourages you to look for what has been lost. Your connection to your own spiritual enlightenment has grown weaker as a result of the abandonment of the self. Seems unnecessary now that the root of the problem has been identified, I feel. Maybe this is strictly personal, I felt that way when the first card I pulled aligned exactly with what I was feeling about me neglecting my spirituality. Maybe this card encourages this idea of mine, to really dive deeper into the meanings, messages and symbols and maybe bring some understanding to it all. With that, strengthen my relationship with my spirituality. By writing to myself as a friend, I feel like I can swallow the meaning easier. Take it to heart.

This card is very special to me since I struggle a lot with the relationship to myself. I never trust myself, which is a curse in all honesty. Only I can know my truest feelings and only I can make sure that it is known. I have let myself fall countless of times for the comfort of others. I have abandoned myself when I did not want to deal with the emotional turmoil inside of me. I have neglected my spirituality. I have stopped doing what I love in fear of not doing it good enough. In all ways, without doubt, this card was directly aimed at me. I had barely started shuffling when it flew out of the pile and onto my desktop. Seeing the card sent chills down my spine. I was scared of unfolding this message, scared it would feel like an attack. But I can only agree and accept.

You are so right, I said. We are so back, the hermit replied.

Did any of this align with you at all? Let me know in that case.

Tarot holds such a special place in my heart and I am excited to incorporate that into bearing fruit. Thank you for reading this special piece. I plan to publish one reading every week. As I mentioned before, I am not a professional. Everything I have written here today came to me through my own interpretation, intuition and how I, myself, relate to the card.

I hope you will tune in next Friday for another roast session- I mean spread.

Loveeelovelovelovellove you!

Amanda

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You were always destined to grow into something beautiful, so why are you plucking your petals for his sake? He tells you the colours are awful, they are too bright against his faded grey, and I watch you rip yourself apart for his arms to hold you another night. Tell me, was the journey everything you dreamt of? Betrayal, infidelity, abuse — does that sound like the fairytale you wished for all those moonlit nights? In dreams, I try to get you back. I see you walking away from him, reconciling with everything that once grew around you. The grass grows green, the trees bend to your wind, the flowers are yours to reach. Yet his love has spoiled all of your bluest skies, your brightest days, the earth you walk upon, the soil where your roots are growing weaker. A sickness has split itself in two to kill everything you are and everything you love. I know, because our friendship died first.

I am sat at my corner of our town, wishing you well, wishing on stars, on angel numbers that some force of nature will pull you away from his grip, lead you the way through the trenches, now that I can no longer reach you, now that you have lost sight of what true love is. See, we were sisters. Your blood bled through the valves of my heart — and I would pull down the moon if it meant something to you. And I did, but his teeth grew wilder with every night you let him feast upon you. I could feel you turn cold, and I knew that wherever you went, wherever you were headed, I could not follow. A dark force even I could not save you from. I know you like I know myself, as if we were part of the same body, but I can no longer let myself bleed for you, not when I know that you are hurting yourself for him. You will never see this and as much as I do not want you to, sometimes I really need you to. He hates you, my sweet little sister. He might love how you bend and break to his will, he might love your eyes and the way you kiss him with such devotion, but that is not love. Even if it blossoms into something that could be mistaken for love, it will not ever be love. This relationship is forged out of decay, you will perish if you stay another minute, he is the very body of death, I have seen it in your eyes. You do not deserve that, nor is that what you should settle for.

Please, break up with him.

If you know, then you know. The issue at hand has yet not been resolved, and I am haunting myself with these pieces. If I do not write about it, it’ll eat me aliveeee!

love, Amanda

Each day, a new bell chime in the wind, a promise of goodness and perseverance. They grow freely, certain of its place in the garden.

As I watch them bloom, poised and proud, I feel a spark of hope. A sliver I have not dared to believe in, magic I seem to have grown apart from.

Somewhere lost in those thoughts, I feel my horizon broaden, as if those canterbury bells have let in a new ray of light. Something I can believe in.

The irises stands the tallest in hues of blue, yellow and purple.

They are grand from afar, but they truly come alive when you approach them.

There are details I can spend hours studying, colours that blend into each other, lines that almost resembles a language or a lost world. I start at one petal and find myself finding new trails to follow, new rivers to dive into, new worlds to explore.

When I am this close to greatness, there is no telling when I will return.

The peony, oh, is nothing short of brilliance.

Swallows the light and in return, explodes and becomes the sun itself. The peony is a home for everything that has ever lived, and the very heart of this garden.

For every garden I find myself exploring, I always look for the peony. A sign of certainty and of home, wherever the peony grows is where I belong.

The poppies, happy as children running across fields.

When they grow, you cannot tell who is who. What is what. The only thing that exists between the sea and the sky is an ocean of crimson. One poppy burns bright, but as they align they chant in unison, no one is left behind.

Roses cling to the rails of the stairs.

Big brushes of thorns and green with splatters of pink, orange and bright red. A sunset in a petal, almost as if painted by hand.

The reds contrast to the yellow like blood on lace, quivering like an open wound, deepening like hungry kisses.

Letting their petals show, blooming even when the future feels unknown, portrays bravery in ways I have not discovered.

The air is heavy and the sun is finally on our side of the globe, burning brighter each day, a recipe for destruction. Yet somehow, those roses grow in abundance.

Shall I let myself burn, or bend to the light? Will I let myself wilt to the lack of rain, or will I allow my roots to grow even stronger? I feel safe to dive into deeper, bigger oceans. For I have somewhere to return to.

A walk in the garden lets my perspective flourish, gives me answers to questions I did not know I had. If a flower catches my eye, I know it is trying to tell me something. The roses speaks tales of bravery, the canterbury bells of hope. I float between the flora to recieve what no one can give to me. The peonies have made the garden my home. The irises have taught me to take notice of things unbeknownst to me. The poppies have taught me the strength in numbers, together they form an ocean of the brightest shade of red, impossible for the individual to achieve alone.

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With this I urge you to go out and have a chat with your local flora, maybe you will learn something about yourself and gain a new friend <3

loveloveloveloveeelove,

Amanda

I have missed cultivating thoughts and words into bite sizes for you all. How have you been! What are you up to now that it is summer! I would love to know everything!

I finished my essay on my analysis of Taylor Swift’s TTPD, which was my last assignment for uni before summer break. We were in town for a few days before we packed our summer clothes and got on a 6 hour busride to see my family. I left my beloved laptop at home. My love got two weeks off of work so we could celebrate Midsommar at my parents courtyard, located on the windy and sunny Öland. It is an island connected to the mainland by a long bridge. A very popular travel destination for caravans and such.

It is usually quite warm there in the beginning of june, but not this year. As a result of that, the strawberries weren’t as sweet and the ocean was freezing cold. We made no issue of it, we ate too many strawberries to count and swam in the ocean like it was nothing. Oh, how I have missed this feeling.

On Midsummer’s eve we went to the next door village to see the maypole rise. It was beautifully covered in birch branches and flowers that all of the participants of the celebration helped gather. This is a tradition in Swedish culture! As all of the flora is foraged for the maypole, we all decorate before the celebration begins. As it rises, we gather around it and dance to different songs performed by a small quartet, usually with at least one accordion.

From here we went to one of the bigger ‘towns’ of the island where we played mini-golf which was so much fun. Perhaps a new midsummer tradition for my family. Spending time with my loved ones was all I wanted for my midsummer, so it did not matter that I got in last place. (lol).

Slightly sunburnt and happier than ever, we returned home and ate delicious food. My love made a pavlova cake for dessert with his own merengue! We were too full to eat it at this time, so we saved it for later. That was all we had time for before we packed our bathing suits and went to Borgholm where we had booked the sauna and the bath house.

The first dip into the ocean was at Kallbadhuset, “Cold bath house” which essentially is a dock sat at a small distance from the shoreline where you climb down a ladder to swim in the ocean. Can you picture it? At a bath house there’s usually accomadations like toilets, showers, changing rooms and a sauna. As a scandi/nordic person, sauna is ritual and essential! Especially in combination with swimming in the sea! The first dip is always the worst, but it felt magical afterwards and the sauna did not disappoint. We bathed in the bastu, sauna, and right as it feels like you’re going to melt into a puddle of lava and fire, you hop into the ocean! And we did — many times. As we returned home and the coffee was brewing, we decorated the pavlova with fresh strawberries and physalis. We finished it all in one sitting (which was perfect since you can’t really save meringue). I fell asleep quickly that night, perfectly content.

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The rest of the days went by in a sunny, windy and lovely blur. With a mix of daily excavations to different fleamarkets, second hand stores, cafés, restaurants and beaches, we had plenty of things to do.

We had friends over on our last weekend on Öland. We drove around the island in search of flea markets and cozy shops and later had lunch in Färjestaden. After lunch we even managed to squeeze in a game of minigolf! As the evening came closer, we went to Borgholm and brought dinner with us to Kallbadhuset where we spent the end of the day. A beautiful evening, although bittersweet as it was our last night here.

As I’m writing this it’s Monday and my love is back at work and I am back on my laptop. I will return to Öland soon, like really soon, so this post is mainly to document our little vacation there. I will have more to say as July embraces me, but a separate post for June was needed.

I wanted to shine a light on these two weeks as well as explain where I have been, in case anyone wondered. I am trying to reduce my media intake since I only get overwhelming anxiety by being online. I want to get back to where this platform, the phone, everything, is a tool, and not my main form of existing. It sounds sick when I word it like that, but I truly feel like that damn phone has been the problem from the start. I have lovely friends on here where our main form of conversation is dependant on a social media platform, and if that is you, now you know where I have been! I love you! and I will get back to you eventually once I am settled!

loveeeloveloveloveloveloveeeeeeee, amanda <3 <3333

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His hands runs along the river, a silver thread coming undone and pooling in his palm. I float along the waves, bend to his touch like trees kneel to storms, like fields of poppies swaying in the wind.

In the season of lilacs perfuming the breeze, we too unfurl our petals to become. We are a rose bush exploding with pale pink every early june, soft petals falling to the earth like tiny prayers. As we return to our bodies, relief crowns our heads, the heart unravels in its cage, we will fall asleep in ribbons, knowing we have made a home out of love.

In the shadow of us there are two children running, bare feet in the grass, wild curls and green dungarees, one with earth elements and the other of fire.

They know nothing of heartbreak or death, they only know flowers, lady bugs and elves favourite pastries. They insist on bringing pine cones and sticks into the house, you make them swords out of branches and I carve their names into the hilt.

Little me never knew she would find the little you, so I let them play in the woods until nightfall. They return in time for dinner and they speak of trolls and mermaids underneath the kitchen light, we are enamoured by their wonder. Home is where love blooms for every part of ourselves we have outgrown. Even the parts we do not know just yet. As we fall asleep that night, it is quiet, certain, and we know nothing except for love, flowers, lady bugs and what to feed the elves when they visit.

You reach out in the shape of lemon yellow butterflies on sunny days,
sunflower fields, bright and certain, we find each other in moonlit gardens.
I never second guess your intentions
and you never second guess my words.

The light you carry reaches me and I bask in it,
a glimmer of someone I hold so close to my heart,
my city has never seen your face, but I can tell you are missed.

The ocean between us cannot diminish the love that exists.
Despite everything, some day we will drink coffee in the sun,
seated at a table with nothing but a vase of tulips between us.

As I take my usual walk along the lake, I think of what to tell you in my letters. What moment in time I would like to preserve for the future. The sun is warm now, the breeze is kind, and as my face feels warmth for the first time in months, I think of the sky over yours. Is it warm? Is it kind? On our ends of the earth, one sun warms us. If I close my eyes, let the sun play with the reds and the blacks, you are sitting next to me. For a split second, the earth seems small, the road cut short.

Someday we will sit here, or there, with nothing but a warm conversation between us. The sun does not know whether we are next to each other or oceans apart, it still shines upon us as if we were one. In many ways, despite everything, we are.

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To set the scene — listen to this!

We talk every day, all of the time. She has this brilliant british accent (because she is very british) and I love hearing her talk about her life in her part of the world. I tell her about all of my travels to London, how I grew up on british youtubers and One Direction. I tell her about my simple swedish life in the forest. She laughs at my ‘bubbly’ swedish accent. She knows every fibre of my being, every passing thought, every secret, every emotion. In the thick of quarantine, we were constantly hanging out on facetime and laughing until we were out of breath. We even united in a sort of ironic yet unironic love of Maroon 5. Everytime we would call, one of us would start singing sugar and then we’d burst out laughing for ages. It makes me giggle everytime one of their songs play unprompted. After quarantine, I got to watch her get ready for dates in real time and later she would tell me all about them. She has dated some questionable people, but one date was different. She got ready and went out and something in the air was changed, like fate had intervened. We had no idea when we interlinked later on facetime, that she’d met the love of her life.

Somehow, over the years, we grew up. Barely noticable since it happens quietly on our own ends of the globe. We talk all the time, and if we don’t I can feel her, always. When I got my heart broken a few years back, she was the one to pick up the pieces. I can barely imagine what a task that must have been — trying to save whatever what was left of me from a different part of the world. But she did, brilliantly as well. I do not think I would have survived anything if not for her. That experience brought us even closer, like we existed in a space unrelated to our physical bodies. Like time and space had melted off our bones and a third thing morphed out of the nothingness. Or, not nothingness, we are everything, this space was morphed out of love that transcends beyond oceans, forests and blue skies. At my worst days it was like she sat next to me, comforting me like only a sister could. At my best days, she is evergreen in her presence. The thought rarely occurs to me, some days I even forget that I have never met her in real life. I feel like I have. A long time ago. Like we were two stars on the same night sky, or the sun and the moon greeting each other across the horizon. Or two wild horses running across mountains, in lavender fields. In every way, I feel like I have known her all of my lives, yet I cannot know what she smells like, or what her face looks like when she gets the sun in her eyes, or what she sings when she is alone, what colours her socks are, where she goes to grocery shop. Those things that are completely mundane, but set rituals in her life that a screen cannot let me learn. Of course there are ways to fabricate this, but we have never needed that. She is like the sun rising over my city, present and loving like I imagine god would feel like if I believed in it. I do not need to know the colour of gods socks, you know? But god, supposedly, exists in everything. And I know for a fact that She does. It is wild to think she knows me better than anyone while also not knowing how I make my morning coffee, or what perfume I wear. So I sent her a letter!

We have always had each other adresses, but I cannot recall if I have ever sent her a proper letter. Again, we never needed to, we were always hanging out. But since I have revived my letter writing to friends (I have only stayed consistent with writing to my grandmother) I decided it was time! I even drew a portrait of her sweet dog and once I finished that I wasted no time in sending everything her way. Writing to her felt euphoric, like my hands knew the words would be carried by my best friend in new ways than before. I wrote about my week, about my horrifying choir director (lol) and it felt natural. Like I had done nothing else but this my entire life. When I finished I sprayed everything with my perfume. Sent a silent non-prayer that the scent would last all the way. And today she messaged me letting me know it did and that dose of genuine happiness sparked this entire piece. Something so simple as scent, is so deeply intimate when its brought to the light like this. I mean, I have never had to think about scent in that way. But now when she got my letters, and even she made remarks about it, is that what you smell like? it felt like I had given her such a small but living piece of me.

As for the date she had sooo many years ago that turned out to be the love of her life? Yes, a while back now I recieved an invitation to an iMessage group chat where she had added all of her friends and told us she was going to propose. I cried a lot. She is now engaged and they are perfect !! They bought a house and adopted the sweetest little pig-dog and everyday I treasure them both and cannot wait until I can meet her for the first time and also her fiancée <3

We were two sad girls who found each other on twitter, and now she has asked me to be a bridesmaid for her wedding. One day she will be my bridesmaid, too!

And if you are reading this, Hannah — I love you! I cannot wait to meet you finally and sing Maroon 5 in your living room, like we were meant to do!

I remember feeling deeply connected to the green terrain of Fjällen, the mountains covered in billion shades of moss, reindeer running amok, wolverine tracks I desperetely wanted to follow. At this point, I might have been the very same size as one, but my fascination grew tenfold, it did not matter if it wanted to bring my limbs to her cubs. Knowing myself, I would jump at the opportunity to save her life, even if it did cost me mine. The true mindset of an adventurer, I thought to myself with my walking pole in hand, my backpack filled with socks, lingonberries and cinnamonrolls. Mom never hindred my curiousity and Mormor ignited its flames. Three generations of forest wanderers, mushroom hunters and blueberry eaters. Some would joke that we are closer related to the brown bear than to man, somewhere, truth rings in the valves of that statement.

As I sit here in modern day, I feel like I have taken my childhood for granted. The magic that only happens to children, for children, I mistook it for certainty. I can feel it being threatened, suffocated. What I would do to go back to a time where I could be small again. Allknowing in a sense of what I felt; anger, sadness and happiness. And what I wanted to eat for dinner. Pancakes or spaghetti or lasagna or heart shaped potatoes. Knowing animals footprint in the dirt, their calls in the night, their feathers lost in the grass. Knowing my favourite colour was green and pink, and my favourite flower differs from the season but the one that reigns supreme is the bright fuschia peony. There must be a way to connect to that again, right? I feel like whenever I reflect of nature, of Mormor, of Skansen and its many wonders, I recognize the reflection from a time where I was wholeheartedly aligned with myself. Exploring those interests, actually making the time and effort to indulge what really offers my soul peace, reconnecting with my inner child, I feel accomplished. Like I have been witholding the gentle pleasures…for something. I did not know I had sprung the nonsense notion of growing up and acting my age, because I cannot recall one single time I have ever acted my age. I have always acted something else, something grown. Now that I am grown, I grieve what I might have grown out of. Reminiscing what made me happy as a child makes me wonder if we ever really grow out of our childlike wonder. Or if it is something we abandon along the way. I fear the fault is mine either way.

On another note; I bought peonies today, my favourite flower all around. They will not last long, they rarely do, but at least the magic they create for this short while will bring me endless amounts of happiness. My mother used to grow them in her garden and that big bulb of pink petals used to fabricate all of my dreams. Whenever it was peony season, life was magical again. That short breath between spring and summer, when the breeze is cold while the sun is almost scorching. Where everything grows in that lovely shade of green. Weeks away from warm evenings at my parents house, holding my lovers hand, swimming in the baltic sea. I cannot wait.

I do not know what this is, I am slurring my words talking about the forest and animals and peonies and Mormor. What else is new! Happy peony season!

All the loveeelovelovelove,

Amanda

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We joined as one in music, in art. I remember being at my happiest those evenings where I let your passions drag me underwater, to let my delusions swim deep and my dreams fly freely. I think we should start a band, I said. I am surprised we haven’t!, you replied. And so we found something new to fixate on, something new to curate to our own liking. Red moon. That is what I wanted to call us. We would do everything by the thread of our own needle — I was to write about love, and you would haunt our set with your tragedies and bad decisions. I figured Red moon was to become our saviour, what would bring you back home safe and sound. But we never got to that point before I had turned my heart inside out for you to feast upon. Our red moon is lost beyond what we know. I mourn what we could have been. I grieve what we could have made.

I met the love of my life three years ago and I want to be his wife someday. I remember all of our sleepless nights talking about weddings, about ceremonies where love would prevail, and how our everlasting friendship would be seen by everyone. Sitting here, with everything in my lap, I feel unsure whether to imagine you in that fantasy, still. We dreamt of tossing bouquets, long speeches about our life as best friends, standing at each others altar as a maid of honour. We were two essential pieces in each others lives and well being. Now, I feel like I have lost everything. Every joke, every memory, they are all mirrors of you. When Taylor said, I knew you’d haunt all of my what-ifs, I never thought I would connect that thread of words to you. But I do. I do not deserve to be treated this way, I said. That was the last of it.

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Bearing fruit — An ode to fruitful trees and fruitful love!

I.

I have made a home out of the earth, climbed every star reaching tree, found tiny houses out of apples, a yellow kitchen light gleaming through passageways, found love in a ficus and a pelargonia on the windowsill — and for that, I am never lost. Yellow liquid sun spilling into the kitchen as if splitting an orange in half. Fingers tainted of citrus, the air thick of the scent, my eyes forces close from the sting and you, oh, you look as if I have turned my heart inside out and given it to God, as if carved out of paradise. My skin is bitten into, feasted upon as if an orchard of plum and pears and cherries, despite everything — I am growing in abundance. Belly full of love, hands tired from the harvest, two lips growing wild underneath the trees. Somehow, you have brought me to your place of worship and your goodness has reached down to my roots and given life to my leaves. I am growing towards you — and for that, I will lean into the light. Never to be found, never to be lost. You have poured me my own river of sunlight, my very own, without asking for anything in return. For that, I will give you everything. We will become spring. Only the birch and the pine knows that our love will grow and bear fruit on warm summer evenings, every season we will grow as an oath, our love has tainted the earth like mulberries spilled onto cobblestone — for that, we will love forevermore.

II.

Take this as an ode to trees and to fruit, the ever growing of leaves and flora and weeds and roots. Without the willow burrowing into the earth, without its crown lulling me to sleep, I would not have found you. Without the meadows nestled underneath an ocean of wood anemone, I would not have dared to wonder. I am scurrying to find you, a trait I have carried with me since childhood — where running to the heart of the woods was the only thing I really knew, really believed in. If not for the tallest of trees, the mossiest of forest floors, stone rolling into green myriads of pinecones, I would not have believed in you.

III.

As I lay down, hair in knots, grass stains on my knees, the woods swallow me whole, far removed from shared air. The question remains, strangers lips are perked in a questionable manner, where do I really belong if not in the idlewild? In the untouched and unscathed evergreen? In moss and bark and grass? I pray to the wood anemones, let me go on without questions plaguing my mind, without strangers plaguing the soil. I no longer know violence, only peace as my heart rests in the moss, my soul longing to dance around the trees. The bones I had once, a prison of my own creation, splinters of what once was nourishes the roots. I have abandoned everything that will not bend to my will, I have buried everything that will not succumb to my light.

IV.

I speak to the wood anemones, my heart stripped from its body, lays beating in a myriad of white and green. I pray, even though I know nothing of religion — until your face lit up as if a crescent moon floated down into the creek, the darkest trees sprung into green, the ground once blackened, grows in curls and ribbons along the roots. The forest has made a lover out of me, and I, a lover out of the forest. I knew, as your fingers curled into the earth, the trees bent to your sun, there was only one worth worshipping.

I am a teenager. There are pivotal moments throughout my life that I remember for their particular and horrifying nature. Which I will not display in this piece, but it is important to set the tone. My room had purple-grey ish walls, like the colour underneath eye sockets, like bruises and death. I remember wanting this room more than anything, and my parents worked their asses off to put this purple wallpaper on the walls with decor and furniture to match. Walking in there for the first time was like walking into a movie set, it was beautiful. Everything went in tones of purple, grey and black. A cool girl’s room, I thought. I had never felt cool in my entire life.

Walking into this room felt like getting to taste of what I could have become if I was to do somethingright. Here, cool girlAmanda with her black faux leather couch, a gaming set-up underneath the bed (it was a loft!), pillows with skulls and purple textiles all around. Silver details to showcase that I do not need gold, gold is overrated, silver is where true coolness lies. God, this room was amazing. And the life I was so excited to live dangled infront of me like a carrot, and I was oh so eager to obtain the essence this room gave off. Cool without trying to. It is just what I am.

Fast forward a few years; the beautiful room my mom had cultivated had been ripped off of its charm, only a skeleton remaining. The cool, unique items are now in messes all around the place. The bed is on the floor. My desk only a sad attempt to mimic what I had, but lost. I do not think I have hated myself more than what I did then. Not only had I given up on the vision, I was also in no shape to align myself with what I used to love as a child. Or as a child-soon to be teen. I know exactly what happened to make me want to rip out my guts and let them get lost in the mess, never to be found again. I remember the day like it happened two sentences ago. I did not know at the time though — how damaging this certain event was. I see it as clear as a slow running river now as an adult.

To teenager-me: I hate your guts. How you let everyone walk all over you, how it does not stop there! With a loving family and a glorious childhood, how did you end up this way? You grew into a teen with a vicious need to be tolerated. Not loved and barely liked — tolerated. That teen had noticed the patterns all around her and she held that pattern in her hands until it suffocated her. There was only so much you could do, and I hate what you did to obtain the approval of the undeserving. I know you were lonely, though. I can feel it even now a good twelve years later. A wound that has healed, but the scar tissue is thick and holds the remnants of the hand that held the knife. I know your days were coated in self-hatred and doing well in school. So much so, that you never learned how to form proper relationships. All of them were built on loose bricks and muddy grounds, and you never understood why the foundation would crack. Why the castles you had built would crumble before you could put the flowers in vases. I feel bad for hating you so, so much. I know you hate yourself even more.

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I fear that I am the worst. I rarely make the bed. I ignore my responsibilities. I gloat in the honour of going to university and getting a degree, but I do not work hard or smart or well. I just complain all the time. I complain of the time that I have and the time that I do not have. I forget to text my friends, even my very very best friend. I disappear for months, and then reappear as if God had given me orders. I cancel plans. All the time. I look forward to be seen and to talk and to listen, but then when the day comes I want to die. I do not want to leave my house, even though I cannot stand being alone in here. My partner works all the time, but still manages to cook amazing meals for his horrible horriblegirlfriend. He still manages to oversee my god awful laziness and kisses me goodnight anyway. Every day is a test from above if I really can keep the goodness, the paradise I have found in my partner. Every day is an opportunity to become better for myself and for the people around me. And every day I feel like I am failing at something. I can not wake up in time, and if I do then I have done my part for the day. I can not have certain apps on my phone otherwise I will spend hours watching short videos that does nothing for my intellect. I have a bookcase filled to the very brim with amazing literature, but all I do is stare at it. Not even that! I give it a short glance and then I proceed with ruining my day with other things. When I say that I am going to the university library to study, I just want to feel good about myself. I have never been able to study, for it forces me to act on my words. And I love to run away from things, my word included. I talk about nature and how I love the forest, but I am terrified of ants. I can not rest, but I also can not do what I am supposed to do. I can not brush my hair, let alone clean it without making it everybody’s problem. I cannot tidy the apartment without expecting medals, presents and treats. I cannot eat because feeling full gives me anxiety, but I cannot study or work or do anything if I am hungry. I hate that my partner has to check in on me on his break “Have you eaten yet?” and if I have, I feel like I have accomplished something huge. If I have not, I know breaking the news to him will weaken my image. It will showcase what a vile, horrible and dependant creature I am, and what he has to come home to. The guilt is eating me alive, yet I cannot stand up and just do it. Whatever it means. For me, it means everything. I cannot stand up straight and I cannot wear jeans. I cannot eat lunch and I also cannot eat cheese. I cannot go to places with big crowds but I also live in Stockholm. I cannot go to bars and I cannot socialise. I cannot work in customer service because it drains me, but I also let everything else drain me too. I cannot go to the doctor if I feel unwell, I cannot talk to a therapist if I feel like I am dying, I cannot seek help for it means that I am finally accepting that something is wrong. And that I need help. I will say that I am working tirelessly to keep up with my emotions and my mental health, but I am just letting it sit in my chest. Like a leaf that has began to rot, and if I do not remove it it will kill the entire plant. I am painfully aware of it, yet I sit here. Paralysed. I do not know what to begin with and then I get overwhelmed and crumble down to a worm. I tidy the apartment once, and get angry if mess appears. My emotions brew in me and I never know what will set it off, until it does. And then I fly off the handle. I say that I hate the teenager I used to be, as if we are not the same. As if I have grown. I know I have changed, it is inevitable when you enter your almost mid-twenties, but the really bad parts of myself remain as untamed and hostile as before. And I hate it.

What do I want to achieve with this? Well. I have an exam in just a few moments. I have not left the apartment yet. I know I have not studied as much as I would have liked, and I enter this exam with little to no self-confidence. I felt this topic boiling though, haunting my mind. And it needed to take shape before going into that room with nothing but me, the uni-computer and my head. That hopefully holds some information if I have not burned it off being angry and stressed.

This is the first point that I have looked up from this piece. I did not notice the time and almost missed the last bus into the city. Missing that would have meant total destruction of everything, so I am glad that I managed scramble everything I needed in time.

In true me-order; I did not have time to eat lunch. These four hours will destroy me.

Loveloveloveloveee,

Amanda