We want to be present by immersing ourselves in the lives of others glamorized by social media, but don’t recognize the endless possibilities of what lies within.

I have to admit that this propensity to try to understand myself was a hard lesson that happened over time. Once I felt that the constant judgements from my so called friends and acquaintances left me depleted , the only option was to turn inward. I don’t regret that choice but embrace it. Does that mean I don’t need any friends in my life? I totally do. A few friends to share time and have meaningful conversations with. But solitude seems so much more promising now. It’s what I welcome; turning inward has become a source of comfort and peace. Being fully immersed and gaining more awareness of who I am and becoming is my reward these days. The choice to give myself a chance is my way of being present. Give it some thought and try it out. You won’t regret it.

I’ve been a sucker for you

All through life

Yet, often you did not keep your promise.

The soundtrack in my head kept

Sending me back to look for you

Latch on and hold on tight for dear life.

Yet the harder I held on

To certainty, the more elusive

It became, mocking me with

A “Catch me if you can” refrain.

We can’t really live life in peace

If uncertainty is the norm.

I have slowly come to accept the fact

That there are no guarantees in life.

We’ve got to go with the flow and

Embrace life with its ups and downs.

Does that mean I don’t count on

Certainty in anything? Sure I do.

I believe in glorious sunrises and

The unconditional love of our pets

Who don’t last forever, just like us.

I rely on the acceptance and love of

Ones near and dear to me.

I trust the innate goodness in people

I savor the unending grace of God.

These are versions of certainty

To treasure , particularly when

Life gets rocky: the loss of job,

Health concerns, loss of loved ones

End of friendships that once seemed

Eternal, sadness that grips you when

You feel totally alone.

I keep reminding myself life is bigger

Than the latest heartbreaks and there

Is enough to be certain and thankful for

To keep us moving forward.

To carry and relief is all we seek

We wait for the moment we can shed

All that pushes us down and chokes

The life out of us. Absence becomes

A cherished state that would free us

From the strain and suffering and

That lightness of being becomes

The dream we aspire to.

Absence can mean something entirely

different in another context.

Life becomes meaningless and

Comes to a standstill after the loss

Of a loved one: a family member, a pet

A friend or neighbor we were close to.

The resulting void and sense of loss

Is too deep and painful to endure.

Such absences take away our will

To move forward and drowns us.

Yet, in the larger scheme of life,

We do move forward, scarred, bruised

And torn. We learn that life doesn’t stop for

anyone and hurt as we are ,

We learn to accept and adjust and

Become involved in this business of life, yet again.

Absence becomes more unsettling

and hard to pin down when it rises

From a lack that is not always obvious.

The realization after a lifetime of living

Yet never feeling fulfilled or validated

Points to a lingering sense of lack of self, the one

that never found expression, validation or priority

Since we were too busy trying to

Catch up with the impossible dreams

that others seemed to live.

That kind of absence cuts deep

In this late season of my life, I am trying

Not to be stuck with the weight of regret of not

paying attention to what

Being present for myself truly means.

Awareness is the first step to erase

Such emptiness. Being in tune with

myself is the goal.

It makes us human.

Connection is what we crave

Deep within our souls, the need

Keeps stirring, prompting the search

To look for ourselves in others

The mirror image that reassures

That we are not alone since

Loneliness is the biggest curse.

But connection at what cost?

If we can identify with only the types

That are like us, what about diversity ?

Doesn’t learning to respect difference

Signal maturity, growth and clarity?

Hey you, I’m talking to you.

Wanna be my friend and hang out?

I’d do anything to be included.

Connection at any cost will backfire

These don’t grow into deep, lasting

Friendships that stand the test of time

I don’t wanna be alone. Anybody out there?

Why this desperation? Why rush?

The need to be in, the urge to belong.

Life teaches us the meaning

of connection if we let it.

I have a few good friends

But I’m fine with being by myself.

I have a different quest now.

Connection with my deeper,

Evolving self is what I seek.

Aim to understand who I am so that

I understand life and others better

If that makes sense, my job is done.

The question has been slowly percolating in my mind lately. Attention is a highly craved object. Our current digital world is driven by the need for micro second attention from viewers . Reels rule the day. The need to really consider or ponder something in its entirety is gradually becoming obsolete. The question that arises is what is the effect of such attention deficit, short term and long term? The seduction of speed in doomscrolling often comes with a price. We are surely losing the ability to pay attention and that is definitely a cause for concern.

Why is that you wonder , reader? If we are unable to pay attention, focus or concentrate, we become drifters. Nothing sticks and hence we deprive ourselves from the ability to ponder and derive any meaning from life that is lasting and meaningful.

Why bother what new brand of handbag your friend is flaunting? What does it matter that so many people are posting photos of lavish vacations that you can’t afford? Why feel sad that you can’t attend any of the World Cup soccer matches in person that your friends are? It’s not your fault. Social media is designed to create this sense of lack and inadequacy in us. The voyeuristic pleasure of watching the seemingly perfect lives of others is also accompanied by this deep sense of sadness that you are somehow not up to par, that your life never measures up. That feeling is corrosive and denies us the joie de vivre that we all deserve.

I have been besieged by similar feelings in middle age. I was lucky to have a childhood that was pre digital era, I now realize that. The need to find another path has been stirring within me for a while and never did I recognize the need to turn the light on myself like I do now. Paying attention to myself is the biggest priority. Who am I? What defines me? What rocks my boat? The traits that stand out are honesty, self love and self trust.

In order to understand myself, I have to be totally honest about myself. No performance, no need to impress. Just me with my attributes and flaws. Paying attention also taught me that self love is not a sin. It is not selfish to prioritize yourself. It took me too long to realize that. Trusting your gut and judgement is the next quality that I value the most. I have been around for a while. I need to learn from the myriad ways life has taught me to read people and walk away when the situation warrants. Conflict and discord don’t belong in my life anymore. Boundaries are essential. I never understood the need to protect myself so I didn’t lose peace over what someone said.

If you are able to slow down for a little bit each day and think through things, you’ll gain an understanding of yourself that you didn’t have before. We are all works in progress. Why not make ourselves a priority, for a change? Pay attention; you won’t regret it.

Which one would you choose?

It’s easy to choose between

Satisfaction that a promise kept brought

Rather than a

Heart shattered over a broken one.

Why get so fixated on promises anyway?

Promises are sometimes built on wishful thinking

On hope for a better future.

All is well if things work out

The way they are supposed to

But what if they don’t?

A promise unkept tarnishes one’s image

In the deepest way

Somehow we forget that we are all human

That life can change us and that promise

Made in good faith earlier

Doesn’t hold the same weight

What do we do then?

Never make promises to others

Since we are afraid we might fail to uphold them?

What about promises made to ourselves?

How do we move through life

Without the multitude of promises

We make to ourselves after every

Obstacle, heartache and disappointment?

It’s our defense mechanism

Our shield against future suffering and

The light that keeps us moving forward

With the hope that buoys us in dark times

So hold on to promises and make them count

Whether for friends, loved ones or yourself,

They will carry you through.

Who am I? How did I get to this point? Where do I go from here?

All these deep questions begin to surface as I try to figure out the conundrum who is me. You may wonder, why now? My answer would be life is offering me this opportunity at present since I am off the hamster wheel and things have slowed down. On the one hand this freedom to explore myself is quite liberating since I can allow myself the opportunity to go deeper. On the other hand, this journey inward fuels my curiosity to find answers; for the first time ever, the subject is myself.

If I am able to get some answers through introspection, that will lead me to make better sense of the other parts of my life that are often a source of discord and heartbreak. Broken relationships, misunderstanding, rejection, lack of appreciation …the list is endless if you let it be. What if you can switch from all these external factors to something entirely different? What if you choose to focus your attention on something totally internal?

I feel the urge to understand myself in order to make sense of life. Solitude is a blessing and I intend to make full use of it as I continue this journey of introspection and self reflection. If you are curious and willing to explore yourself, embark on that journey. Don’t delay. You’ll find it to be engaging, fascinating and magical. Who knew you yourself was such a treasure trove of emotions, values and principles that you never prioritized before? Enjoy moments of solitude and look deeper.

So many of our life’s problems stem from focusing too much on external validation that is always just out of reach and a fire that needs constant feeding. I am tired of going down that route. I need to be sure of the person I am and who I am becoming . Enjoying solitude doesn’t mean I’ve become a hermit. I appreciate and crave human connection that is meaningful. Commonalities with other people give me a sense of being part of a larger fabric. I am human, vulnerable, but I am also uniquely me. My only prerequisite is honesty. In order to uncover my authentic self, I have to make sure there is no room for performance, only truth. Allowing myself time to dwell in solitude makes this uncovering possible.

Substack has been such a good platform to encourage this journey. I learn something new everyday about myself. I have a small, engaged community who mean so much to me.

I’ve been away from the Substack recently due to grief and other health challenges. I am back and I intend to continue writing and connecting with all of you. Thank you. 🩵

Pain tries to bury you

the kind that holds you hostage

the kind that grips you tight

it threatens to submerge you

until you are ready to resign.

But the heart and mind push back

to break free and let the light in.

In the depths of darkness where

all you want to do is give up

A new stirring arrives to remind you

that it is not all over yet.

Gratitude is a habit and it is

needed more in dark than sunny days.

It is the universe making us aware

that we must count our blessings

When hope is the shore that hasn’t arrived yet

being thankful for what we have

The infinite mercies and blessings

that we are fortunate to experience

Remind us that life is worth living.

So cherish the pluses and eventually

The burdens of life will become lighter

As we move forward holding hope

In one hand and memories in the other .

The poem above is in response to a prompt provided by @imi

Which one was the deepest?

I’ve lost track. Why count?

The number doesn’t matter.

How does the body remember ?

It must be the wounds that lie

Deeper beneath the surface

Buried but never forgotten.

The wounds that left a scar or

The more insidious ones that are invisible

But persistent, defying oblivion.

For me, the ones that kept reopening

Were the ones that resulted

From the same origins.

The feeling of being on the margins

The pain of never being mainstream

The shame of never seeming cool

The desperation of wanting to belong

The haunting fear of not measuring up

The rejected, the forsaken, the undermined, the mislabeled.

Somewhere along the way, I lost track.

Who was I?

Waiting for validation seemed like a stupid game.

The odds were stacked against me.

The intensity of the pain dulled with time, but the wounds reminded me

That the distance of time and space

Was a temporary reprieve

The ache returned in unexpected moments.

A belittling remark, a dismissive reaction,

A sarcastic smile opened the floodgates and I was

My younger self again.

The only way to assuage the pain was to

acknowledge and try to release it

And realize that I was enough

Scars and all.

With mile long lashes

Eyes that looked into your soul

But never judged you.

Accepted the way you were and

Loved you with no strings attached.

The energy he brought

Taught me to live again

Through grief, heartbreak and loss

A reminder that bad times don’t last.

I need to remember that lesson

Since I don’t know how to

Wade through the grief and

Somehow end up on the other side.

My constant and loyal companion

Is now gone and I am here alone

Trying to pick up the pieces, but

Hardly able to keep it together.

The silence is too loud, the daily routines are over

How am I supposed to find a rhythm

To embrace life and its cocktail

of pain and joy?

Life without him is desolate and meaningless.

They say if you love more, you grieve more

I didn’t know I signed up for this when you came.

How do I let go and keep moving ?

I think you’ve taught me the answer.

Keep going no matter what.

I’m a bad student, I’m failing at the game

The heaviness is suffocating, but

I’ll promise I will try .

It’s the only way to honor you .

I will cherish and love you forever.

My friend (whom I call Sis) Florence Acosta took a picture of Skipper I used in my post last week and made the portrait above. I am thankful for the many messages of condolences from my friends on Substack. I couldn’t do this alone. 🩵

My world has changed totally overnight. We had to put down our beloved mini schnauzer Skipper since he suddenly got sick and couldn’t stand. I have shared news of his illness with a few friends on Substack. He had vestibular disease and it affected his balance when the attacks occurred. He bounced back every time, but this last time it was too much.

As all pet parents know, this loss is too heavy to bear. Skipper saw us through many trials and tribulations and he was our sunshine through it all. He was almost 17 years old. Fiercely loyal, devoted and loving is how I describe my baby. Rest in peace my child. You will be forever missed.

Imagine moving somewhere entirely new.

What would be different from the life you have now?

Who would you be?

What is holding you back from building it where you already are?

Dear Reader,

Have you ever felt the need for a sea change in your life? I sometimes feel the pangs of such to the extent that I can’t ignore it any longer. I am restless because I am tired of my boring, predictable life. I am desperate for change and wonder if the best way to initiate change is to move far away from my current home.

What would the move accomplish, you ask? Several things : some pleasant, some not so. First of all, the move would push me out of my comfort zone. Familiarity breeds contempt they say. There is some truth to that. Staying close to family and friends forever strains the bond. You begin to feel taken for granted and maybe you begin to act the same way as well.

I did move across continents for higher education many years ago, but that was a different time frame. Many years later, my needs are different. Age is the filter that colors everything now. Medical care, safety, transportation facilities—all matter a whole lot than before. Any move to a new location would have to consider these factors as non negotiable ones.

Why are most of us resistant to change? Change forces us to recalibrate, to rearrange things, to move from the familiar to the unknown. We crave control in our lives and relocating to another location disrupts that sense of control.

On the one hand , we function well with a set pattern. The same daily grind, the job, the circle of friends and lifestyle. Ironically, this comfort zone doesn’t seem appealing forever. We feel lost if we stay in this zone forever. Something seems out of whack or missing in our lives . Instead of staying stuck in the “poor me” victim mindset, it’s time to find out how to escape this ennui. For me, it starts by turning inward and asking myself the hard questions. Who am I ? Am I where I want to be at this point in my life? What do I want for myself to live with honesty and intention?

One great thing about getting older is becoming more able to break away from a fixed script . I no longer care so much what others think of me. I don’t wait for approval or permission. As long as I don’t hurt someone deliberately, my conscience is clear.

Time is slipping away. I need to pay heed to what my inner voice is asking for. The deeper question that this prompt points to is if we are able to reinvent ourselves right where we are, in the here and now, with what we have. The answer is a resounding “yes.” It’s all about mindset. If we can take an honest look at ourselves, the answer will be right there in plain sight. You don’t need to physically move somewhere new to become a new person. It is possible, right now, in your current life. You have to want it that badly, reader. Our mind is the only thing holding us back.

Life on hold. Keys thrown away.

Can anybody show me the way?

My life is on hold

Still waiting for permission

Never able to break away.

The ebb and tide of life

Have imprisoned me in their fold.

Time and space are not my friends

I’ve been forsaken by all

Life’s been measured so far by

One step forward, two steps back .

Momentum eluded me since

I sought approval from others for

My life as if they knew it better.

When and why did I relinquish control?

Perhaps it was a lack of faith in me

A belief embedded that I willingly

Gave up my right to make choices

And waited for others to give me

The green signal that never arrived.

I am stuck at the intersection on red

Wondering when or if ever

I can cross over to the other side .

Being on hold is draining

Waiting for others for eternity

To show me the way never works.

Since it’s my life and never theirs

They don’t get to call the shots

When I get to start living.

Need to have faith in me

To believe that I am enough

I am capable of making choices

And taking the consequences, good or bad.

No blame, no waiting to be saved

No waiting for permission

No need for approval

Leaning on others to live my life

Was never the right way

To be true to myself

I accept myself flawed as I am

The need to live with intention and

To be present for myself beckons

Done with selling myself short

Done with waiting once and for all.

Am I in or out?

The question nags me

Hounds me at night

Holds me hostage and

Spins me around in a loop

The insatiable desire to belong

To a person I love, as well as

A group, an inner circle

Makes me feel special

Makes me feel wanted

Gives me power that I crave

Only to lose it when I fall

Out of favor, out of love

Out of a myriad unspoken things

That make up belonging.

Being an outcast is the worst

You stand on the fringes

Hoping to be called in

Being on your own without

Anybody to call your own

Is the dreaded feeling you want to

Avoid at all costs

Even if it means you don’t

Give yourself any value

For just being you

Stop the madness.

Take some time to look within.

Why is this need to belong so deep?

Is it the perfect antidote to

Feeling lonely, being on the margins?

You are setting yourself up for heartbreak, my friend.

In a world that hustles and competes daily

Where most if not all relationships

Are transactional and finite

The belonging or promise of forever

That you seek is a myth.

It keeps you roped in, always insecure

About when you may not feel you belong

Belonging is not a one way street.

It can’t be validated if it’s one sided

Maybe you need to think of this need

In a whole new way.

What if you first belong fully to yourself?

You feel complete just by being you

Your belonging is rooted in you

One that can never be snatched away on whim.

But not quite

I’ve been on the cusp forever

Wonder what crossing finally feels like

Take me with you when you go

Or stay next to me please

I don’t like being alone, I don’t want my own company.

Maybe that’s the reason not being chosen gets me.

Makes me feel I’m not enough , I don’t measure up

You never knew when your self worth depends on others, you were setting yourself up for heartbreak .

Tired of living in the almost phase. Acceptance or approval were my pathways that never came through.

I have lost time and space chasing after people who were not meant to be . The almost relationship never transitioned into a real one.

Why didn’t I cut myself some slack? What fear of inadequacy made me accept rejection and still try so hard to seek approval?

I better wake up and embrace the truth that stared at me all long. I didn’t see it only because I didn’t want to.

Blinders on , life on hold, holding my breath until I can’t anymore.

I am done with holding me back. Done with waiting on loop. Done with doubting what I was worth.

Ready to transition from almost to already there. I am enough.

No lifelines out there, no one to save me. I am on my own and that is fine.

It’s all within you, light up the fire .

Remove the limits, you’re ready to fly.

The following letter is a response to the prompt provided by @imi . I am copying her prompt first.

One of my favourite sayings is this:

See yourself as a miracle, and you will become one.

For a moment this week, let’s try to see ourselves that way.

Imagine you had the power to redesign the world from the ground up. Not just small changes, but everything: the rules, the values, the way people treat one another, the way we measure success, belonging, and meaning.

What would that world look like if it were shaped by your deepest convictions?

What would be different about how people live, love, create, and grow?

Write about a world reinvented entirely by you.

If you truly believed you were a miracle capable of shaping reality, what kind of world would you choose to build?

———————————————————————————

Dear reader

Most of us are hungry for change. We dream of inhabiting a world where everyone matters. I invite you to live in one where you can finally and proudly be yourself.

You no longer have to shrink and edit yourself to fit in molds so that you’re accepted. Your individuality is something to be celebrated , not denied. Your special needs are not going to be a source of shame.

More than anything, you will not have to live in fear of judgement by others. This new world will be based on fairness, justice and inclusion. Unnecessary and unfair wars will not ravage people’s lives and destroy humanity.

While we celebrate individuality, we will also embrace diversity. People are unique with different qualities and perspectives.

Our new inclusive world will allow space for us to be ourselves and promote diversity at the same time. That worldview ensures that everyone matters and our voices are never stifled.

Imagine a world where longing for kindness and inclusion becomes reality. A world where healing is possible. One where we are able to be ourselves unapologetically and yet realize that our lives are all connected. You may say this is utopia. But there is no limit to dreaming, is there? Life is over when the dream dies.

Won’t you join me in this new world reader? It can only happen if we work side by side, hand in hand.

I have spent most of my living inside one. How about you, reader?

Does something feel just not rightly aligned in life right now?

Are you restless, craving for change that hasn’t arrived yet?

Ask yourself the hard question if you truly want to know.

How much are you yourself responsible for your situation?

Yes, I admit there are things in our lives that are out of our control. Trauma does happen, life is unfair and we all have our fair share of struggles.

What kept me stuck in life was my preference for a safety net, an assurance that things would remain the same . Little did I know that life doesn’t work that way.

That was a naive belief, since we find out soon enough that there are no guarantees. That comfort zone can disappear in an instant as we lose loved ones we relied on, a job that paid bills can be gone, a comfortable lifestyle is only a few shades away from being out on the streets. How about being afflicted with serious health issues that you have not much control over? No safety nets there, right?

What made me cling to a safety net originated from a childhood that centered on family bonds and familiarity of routines. It was boring at times, but predictable and safe.

As I look back, the needed shifts came when I took some steps without realizing the enormity of them. My decision to apply to graduate school in the US was heavily dependent on the main prerequisite: landing a full scholarship . When that came through, I got on a plane without even realizing that there was no safety net anymore.

There was no home to come back to where I would be fed, clothed and taken care of by my parents.

I was young and I have to admit that the new found freedom was exhilarating.

Adjusting to a completely different system of education, one where you were asked questions in class instead of writing lengthy academic essays in response to questions was unnerving.

I couldn’t play it safe anymore and performance mattered since good grades ensured whether my scholarship would continue or be removed. The loss of the safety net did two things: I learned to survive and at the same time, my confidence grew since I was constantly challenged to do better.

In hindsight, that move to a new country where everything was new opened horizons that I never knew existed. I know I’m dating myself, but this was the pre- digital era. I couldn’t look up stuff with the click of a button. I had to live the experience that was entirely new.

You might think that letting go of safety nets, taking risks or a leap of faith is only possible when you’re young. I beg to disagree.

Time goes by fast. You adjust the best you can as you hit midlife and beyond.

Making the choice to write on Substack and holding my life open for the reader to view was against my nature. The push came from my daughter who set up the account for me. The rest was of course up to me. A risk averse, afraid of judgement type of person that I was, that pivot came without a safety net.

But guess what? I am enjoying it now. That’s the whole point. Clinging to safety prevented me from seeing the possibilities writing could help me uncover. I plan to continue, as long as you are a willing participant in my journey, reader.

Dear Fear

You’ve been a loyal companion for too long. Or should I say , an unwelcome guest?

The nagging fear of never being enough, of always playing second fiddle to the stars around me have held me back. The fear of inadequacy has been part of my psyche for as long as I can remember . I’ve denied myself the chance of excelling at anything all through school, even though I knew I could write. The doubt that you sowed in my mind crystallized into a rock solid, hard truth that I didn’t have what it takes to make it.

I have some news for you my friend. I am parting ways and I will no longer give you the time of day. What made me finally reach this point of no return? It was the acknowledgment of the false reality that I constructed by prioritizing this fear. I was content to stay in this comfort zone created by this fear and keep the show going. I was afraid of confronting the truth that lay behind this fear, that I had potential but I denied myself the chance to discover. Everybody around me wasn’t better, smarter and prettier. My fear kept me stuck in that mindset forever. I now realize that releasing you will let me breathe fully and no longer be in your grip. I admit that I have allowed myself to be defeated by you until I began to understand myself better. It’s ok that it took me some time to part ways, but better late than never, right?

Hearing impaired, that is.

Excuse me, what did you say? Could you repeat that one more time?

It took multiple experiences like that before I realized that I had a problem. I was hearing impaired.

Why me? Nobody in my immediate family had the issue. I bristled at the dubious distinction it brought me. But I couldn’t ignore it for long.

Those of you who have gone through the experience of being tested will probably relate to me easily.

The time spent inside a soundproof room desperately trying to guess the words floating at you through the ether from the audiologist on the other side of the screen is a terrifying one.

As the words became softer and more muted, I found myself making wild guesses as to what the correct word was, trying to cheat my way through a test that would stamp me in a new, unwelcome way: hearing impaired.

The problem manifested itself in adulthood, when I was pregnant with my child. Once she was born, I saw the specialists , got second opinions just to be sure. The verdict was in: I had otoscleroris, where the smallest bone in my ear was no longer moving when sound waves traveled and had to be replaced with a titanium implant.

The first surgery was botched. The surgeon blamed my defective anatomy rather than his skills. The second procedure worked and my hearing in the operated ear was close to a normal level. The adjustment process had a lot of hiccups, but I hung on to hope.

My teaching career started after the diagnosis. I was an English professor and my students never had a problem with my impairment. I was upfront about it and they remembered to speak up if they were far away from me.

Life continued in a familiar rhythm with occasional disruptions.

The unexpected comment from someone at a party as to why I was wearing a bluetooth at an indoor event. Me having to explain over and over that I was wearing a hearing aid in my left ear was funny but also irritating. This need to explain things about myself that shouldn’t matter to anyone else but me, this pressure to put the other person at ease made me angry and resentful.

I sometimes slid into the victim’s “why me” mentality, but then I had to move out of it because I had to function: be a mom, be a teacher, wife, daughter and everything in between.

How has this impairment shaped me? I am an avid music lover and I love to sing. Listening to music on my phone is easy because the sound is amplified. I can sing whenever and wherever I want.

But I have also gradually become more attuned to the silence around me.

I tend not to wear my hearing aid at home unless I am talking to someone . I embrace the quietness that I am enveloped in. I notice the clicking of the wall clock only when my hearing aid is in and that new sound never fails to surprise me.

Sound wafts to me in different ways since my diagnosis. I no longer strain to hear everything and get anxious when I can’t. Living at the edge of sound is fine as long as I can connect and communicate with my world. Embracing silence is a pathway to the stillness within that I wish to reach.

Impaired or empowered? That’s a matter of perspective.

Since my last post was on loneliness, I wanted to explore the idea of connection in this one.

Hello, anyone out there? Sending out an SOS! Need to connect, desperately !

Maybe our need to connect doesn’t happen in one, big dramatic moment. It is spread out over different phases of life. The question is, who are we trying to connect to? Since we are social animals, the obvious answer is we crave connection in the external world, from others. This need is very pronounced when we are young since social identity is an important factor at this time. We are in the midst of forging an identity by connecting with friends who are like us. The sense of being part of a larger group is comforting since we don’t quite know who we are yet.

So this is all well and good, but only up to a certain point. The connection begins to get fractured once we stop finding validation through others. As our identity takes on a more firm shape, we tend to embrace the unique qualities that make us who we are. That sometimes necessitates separating from erstwhile friends and striking out on our own. The resulting loss of connection to others is the price we have to pay while our identity is being solidified.

But are we free from the need to connect end once we are adults? Not really. As adults we still tend to gravitate towards likeminded people because it’s less threatening than mingling with people who challenge our ideas and values. We seek safety, comfort and reassurance in similarity rather than in difference. So connecting with others becomes a conduit for mirroring who we are becoming.

Does the need for connection dissipate later in life? Not quite, but the earlier need to part of a herd shifts somewhat. I cannot truthfully claim that I am above and beyond the desire to connect to others. Using this platform on Substack as an immediate example, I am not writing into the void just for myself. The need to connect to my fellow writers and readers is one of the driving forces to continue. So, connection to others is the cherished prize.

At the same time, I am trying to establish a different kind of connection: one with myself.

Writing helps me move forward in that journey. I am allowing myself the opportunity to see what is within me that needs a voice. My story will be worth telling only if the connection and conversation with my inner self is honest and ongoing.