I am starting this article without knowing where it’s going. All I know is that there is a specific boy in my head right now.

Now, as a person who does not like the concept of exchanging saliva, I liked this guy’s kisses a little bit too much. It is very rare for me to like a person’s kiss, but the man can kiss guys!!! Plus, he is VERY handsome and 6 feet tall. I knew I was cooked when I first talked to him.

Let’s start from the beginning, shall we?

I met him through a friend. I was at work during lunch break with my work friend and was going through his phone when I saw a picture of this beautiful man with a goatee and big biceps (mon combat en fait), I, of course, reacted and he immediately wanted to ‘put me on’, but, of course, me being me—a girl with pride who would rather die than let a man know that i like him—, I threatened to end his life if he ever tells him a thing.

That was in February. We moved on with our lives after that.

Or so I thought.

In December of last year, at exactly 2 am I received a phone call from said friend. Mind you, I had left that horrible corporate job that same year in March, so we hadn’t talked much since then. I immediately picked up because I thought something bad had happened to him.

Kumbeeeeeeee.

-Hello,

-Hello, are you okay?

-I am okay. How are you?

-Why are you calling me at 2 am bro? Did something happen?

-Were you sleeping?

Is this nigga serious right now? Was I sleeping?

-Nigga, just answer me. Are you okay?

-Yeah, I am okay. Just wanted to say hi

This is why I need a gun

-At fucking 2 am? Bro, bye!

-No waaaiiiitttt. I actually have something important to tell you. There’s someone who wants to talk to you.

-And they couldn’t wait till reasonable hours?

-Hear me out, bro. It’s *his name*.

-I don’t know who that is, bro.

-Remember the guy you saw in my phone? He wants to talk to you.

-I know you're fucking lying! I told you not to tell him anything, oh my Goodddd!!! Does he know what I look like? Why would you actually tell him that I liked him, omg!!! I am going to end my life. FAAAAHHH

At that point, I was fully up, and I was circling around in my room, going back and forth, panicking.

-Will you calm down, please! Here, talk to him

-Wait, no I-

Then I heard a sexy ass voice😝(It wasn’t sexy; I just liked the guy).

-Hello?

omg omg omg!!!!!

-Hello?

-How are you?

-I’m fine. How are you?

-I’m doing great. Uhm, I just wanted to let you know that I think you’re beautiful and that I wanted to get to know you more….

I think this is what he said. I don’t exactly remember what he said, but it was along those lines…I hope, at least😑

-Oh… uhm…okay sure. I would like that as well

-Okay, cool. Would you like to go on a date with me sometime?

Is this nigga trying to plan a date with me at 2 am on his friend’s phone????

-We can talk about that on your phone, not on his phone.

-Yeah, you’re right, this is kinda weird. Okay, I will text you then, okay?

-Okay, bye. Pass the phone to *my friend’s name.

After cursing my friend on the phone, I asked him to send me a picture of Mr. Handsome because I did not remember what that brother looked like. After 2 minutes, the picture was already sent, and Hm Hm Hm Hm WOW WOWER WOWEST brother was FOINE!!!

The next morning, I saw that he had requested to follow me on IG. Tbh, I was kinda disappointed cause he could’ve texted me on my number, but I guess that’s too old school or something. When we first started texting, it was cool and all until he asked me to text on Snapchat😭🤦‍♀️

-Hey, do you mind texting on Snapchat? I think it’s better there

-If you say so

I immediately knew my subscription wasn’t going to last for long😭

Bref, fast forward, we arranged a date. And yes, the man was better in person! I couldn’t believe my eyes. J’exagère bien sûr, mais he really is a beautiful man. When we were talking, I wasn’t even listening to half the shit he was saying; I was just observing his face, trying to take it in.

Guys, when I have a crush or when I like a guy, I lowkey go insane.

After talking and drinking and whatnot, we went to his car to go home, and that’s where he asked for a KISS… AAAAAHHHH

You can tell by the memes how good it felt. PHENOMENAL! SPLENDID!

I was so happy cause what do you mean the man is handsome, tall, a good kisser, brown skin (better if he was dark-skinned but I’m not complaining), fluent in English and French, and can hold a conversation??!!!!

JACKPOT!

But I had to remind myself that this is a Rwandan guy who only talks to me on Snapchat. The chances of this going further were very low. #staywoke sisters!

Now I feel like I am dragging this, so let’s get to the point. I don’t even know why I am writing this, but let’s see where we land, shall we? Okay.

We continued talking and went on a couple of dates, which were great, of course, and the kisses were still great! (Mom, if you see this, this is AI. I have no idea what kissing is; I wouldn’t even hold hands with a guy before marriage). Until I started realising that I was actually liking this guy, which, of course, I let him know about, and he expressed mutual feelings, and a girl was happy, even though I could see that this was not going anywhere at all. And that’s when I started participating in Birdism.

What is Birdism?

It comes from the word ‘bird’. Being a ‘bird’ overall means tolerating poor treatment from a man you like.

The conversation had slowly gone from “tell me everything about you” to me basically carrying the entire chat on my back. He wasn’t curious about me anymore, wasn’t asking questions, and wasn’t really trying to keep the conversation going. I was doing most of the heavy lifting while he was probably sending streaks to other girls😭. And then, at one point, this man went MIA for two whole days. No conversation, no explanation, nothing. Just silence. And instead of taking that as my cue to exit the building, I was somewhere thinking, “Maybe he’s just busy.”

Girl. Be serious🙆‍♀️.

Before y’all attack me, I will always stand by this. I will never be with someone who can go a whole day without talking to me, let alone two fucking days!

I’m not that big of a bird.

He was putting zero effort into whatever that was. And I knew that and could see it too, but guess what I did? I ignored it. Not because he was that handsome or had the most money, but because he was a good kisser!😒

That’s a good excuse, right? No? Oh, okay 😬

Typical bird behavior.

I do not read or watch much romance, and people who know me do not even think I am romantic, but I know damn well that romantic interest goes hand in hand with effort and curiosity. Unfortunately, this nigga had none of those. FAAAHHHHH

Ukuntu disi ari mwiza😭😭

You have to understand tho. The whole exchanging saliva thing does not appeal to me, but once I find someone who knows what they are doing, then… 🤷‍♀️ And trust me when I say this, he KNEW what he was doing!

Before you judge me, remember that we’ve all been birds for men we like at some point in our lives. I mean, how many times did you tell yourself that your boyfriend is not a phone person after he just left you on delivered for 10+ hours? How many times do you whisper to yourself, “At least he thought of me before he went to bed,” every time he texts you after 11 p.m? Men are attractive; I just wish they were good people.

We’ve all been there. In my case, he disappeared for 2 days and came back with “Hey stranger 😂.” And instead of asking where the hell he went, I was smiling at my phone like I'd just received a marriage proposal.

The birdism did not last long tho.

Ati “gute?”

I finally gathered the courage to ask him where whatever we were doing was going, because one thing about me is I don’t do the whole ‘let’s see where it goes’ shabang. It’s either we’re on a green light or a red light; there are no yellow lights here.

Shahu, I feel so smart for making that metaphor😂. Ati “Green light or red light”. lol, hopefully you get what I mean.

P.S: If you like yellow lights, there’s nothing wrong with that. We listen, and we don’t judge🙂.

-Hey, can I ask you a question?

-Yeah, of course

-Shit, I am scared

This was my first time asking a man such a question, so naturally, I was nervous.

-No, go ahead, ask

-What are…Uhm…Where is…

-What are we?

-Oh no no no no. That is definitely NOT my question!

The reason why I wanted my question to be so specific is that the ‘what are we’ question signifies that we were an actual solid thing already, and we weren’t, and I wasn’t sure that I wanted us to be a solid thing because there is nothing I hate more than a man who does not put effort into getting what he wants. Meanwhile, the ‘where is this going’ question is more like a Theory of Change for a romantic relationship: Is this leading to the solid thing I am talking about? Is this a situationship? Is this friends with benefits typa thing? etc.

I hope I am making sense😬

-Where is this going?

You will not believe the words that came out of this man’s mouth😭. This man looked me dead in the eyes, and the first words that came out of his mouth were:

-Obviously, I fuck with you.

YEESSSSUUUUU

Me, Nadege, the woman whose favorite romance movies are Love Jones and To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before? The woman whose favorite poet is Mahmoud Darwish? The woman who has a whole board saved on Pinterest called ‘love love love’? That is the woman you are telling ngo “I fuck with you”?????? It cannot be me, right? RIGHT?!

Les filles et les garçons, it turns out it was me he was talking to😭.

I don’t even really remember everything else he said after those words. But I know they were probably some BS.

_{Some might think that I might have exaggerated or that I am being dramatic. I want you to remember that writing on Substack is free. Write your own article on how you would’ve handled it.}

Anywho, I genuinely do not think that you say “I fuck with you” to a person you are genuinely romantically interested in… but hey, what do I know about romance, right?

I actually do know a lot😭

Because what am I supposed to do with ‘I fuck with you’? Am I your girlfriend or your homeboy? 😭 That’s something you tell your friend after he recommends a good restaurant, not necessarily the woman you’ve been talking to for two months while claiming you want to pursue her. If you like me romantically, I need more than ‘I fuck with you’, especially when your actions are already doing a terrible job of explaining themselves.

You might think that after him saying all that, at least something changed…BYAHE?!

Nothing changed. Matter of fact, after that, he went into MIA mode for the whole weekend and texted me on Monday as if nothing happened….AGAIN! And that’s when my two-month subscription ended, and I wasn’t feeling like subscribing anymore.

Before y’all start clapping for me and calling me a baddie who knows what she wants, the man is still not blocked😬😁.

But I’m also not a person you have to tell or show twice that you are not THAT into her. I stopped replying to his texts after 2 seconds. I stopped fighting for my life trying to keep a conversation, I stopped considering him, I stopped being curious about him, etc. I was not doing this to be petty, or whatever people do to show the other that they are mad; it just happened automatically. I am not a petty person; I really do not have the time.

I just started living my life for myself again.

No, I’m not doing too much by insinuating that I was ‘living my life for him’. Whether you like it or not, when someone comes into your life, especially romantically, something in your life changes. It could be your daily schedule, it could be your thoughts, it could be the way you shave your legs or your beard, it could be your diet, it could be the type of movies you watch. It could literally be anything. The point is, you start to consider or at least think about them before you make decisions. Consciously or unconsciously. It doesn’t even take something romantic; it could be a friend with benefits typa situation, and you would still consider them.

That’s what I meant when I said that. Not something exaggerating, please! Before y’all start making up rumours, saying, “Nadege fell in love with a guy she met two months ago”. I’ve been in Kigali for 20+ years, I know better😭

Anywhoooo…We haven’t met since that day, but he does send some streaks looking FINE ASF.

HELP ME!

P.S: The man is fine, but I am finer!

I still do not know the point of this article. I am just yapping. Maybe I needed somewhere to rant about my love life, and someone to tell me that it’s okay, so be a bird…Sometimes. Or maybe I needed someone to relate to this cause I know my Kigalian people can very much relate😂😭.

No, guys, I do not regret this. In fact, I would do it again. It’s nice to have someone to kiss and flirt with from time to time, especially if they are good-looking and have big biceps.

At the end of the day, the real winner is the one who puts themselves out there. As Ethan Hawke said, “The one who's in love always wins. Yeah, it doesn't matter if you get your heart broken. You're living. When you're feeling, you're alive. You know, the sun doesn't care whether the grass appreciates its rays, right? It just keeps on shining. That's you”

Kigali nonchalant boys and girls are going to scream after reading that😂

My dad died in 2018, four days after my birthday. He was a kind man, and I’m not saying this because he was my dad or because that’s what people say when someone dies. I am saying it because he was truly a kind man. He was always trying to help the next person.

He was a quiet person who didn’t like to say much—probably where I got my introversion. He was also an angry man, not in an exaggerated way, but in the way African dads are always angry about something, which probably affected my relationship with him.

He had a beautiful smile and nice hair. He wasn’t romantic at all, just like every African dad, but he showed love through actions. I remember when I was a kid, he brought my mom flowers on Valentine's Day (the only time he did that), and I do remember him crying when my mom graduated. That was my first and last time I saw my dad cry. That shows how much he loved my mom…I guess. 😁

I know that the way he showed love was not ‘poetic,’ but what do you expect from an African dad who didn’t grow up around his parents because of our country’s history?

Anyway, that’s everything I know about my dad. I know, sad. I believe it’s safe to say that I don’t really know my dad, or that I don’t know him the way I would want to—on a deeper level.

Growing up, I was a shy, quiet kid; I still am…I think. I was always in my corner, sucking on my thumb and minding my business. I did not like talking to people, including my parents, or even playing with other kids. I think that is one of the reasons why I wasn’t close to my parents, especially my dad, as a kid. Another reason might be that I was a stubborn kid. I did not take no for an answer, and I always asked why, and of course, African parents do not fuck with that.

My dad always said that I shouldn’t ask elders a lot of questions, that I should agree to whatever they told me to do. I am pretty sure I asked him ‘why’ again 😂.

I was, and still am, the only kid in my immediate family who talks back. As scary and strict as my dad was, I did not care. I always had answers, and that always boiled his blood. We didn’t see eye to eye most of the time.

Even though he hated that, it was the number-one reason why he trusted me the most. Mind you, I have 3 older siblings, but he trusted me! Everybody around him knew that, and I was the password kid by the way!!! 😝

He always thought I was the smartest (he never told me this, but I could see it and feel it in the way he talked to me and the way he asked for my opinions), and I say this because he treated me the way he treated my mom. He believed my mom was the smartest woman alive… she is… so it’s safe to say he believed I was the smartest kid among all his kids. Right? Right.

Now, after him being a present and great dad, why the fuck don’t I miss him??

Remember, I said that I was a quiet, shy kid, always in my corner, sucking on my thumb? Yeah, I literally wasn’t talking to anyone, so, of course, I didn't have a close relationship with him. Which I thought was normal, since most African kids see their dads as ‘AFRICAN GENERALS AMONG THE NATION’.

Like the dad gets home and everybody runs to their rooms? Yeah, that was the case for me too. Anyway, by the time I actually gained the consciousness to form a relationship with my dad, I was sent to boarding school…FUUUUCCCKKK.

I was sent to boarding school for 4 years, and he died in my fourth year. (talk about luck, huh).

Having parents who are not emotionally available was not going to make me an emotional kid, so when I was in boarding school, I wasn’t like other kids who were always crying because they missed their parents; I, in fact, did not care😭.

Yes, I did miss being home, good food, TV, but my parents or anybody else? I don’t think so.

I believe it is because I left before I could form any relationships. I mean, in primary school, I was just a little girl, worried about whether Henry Danger was ever going to tell his parents that he was Henry Danger (a Nickelodeon show), or if Dawn from Nicky Ricky Dicky and Dawn would ever get her own room (another Nickelodeon show). I didn’t know anything about ‘relationship with a parent’.

———————

Bref, all those years in boarding school, of course, I grew up and became a typical teenager, always in my room on my phone, worried about boys and Instagram. I didn’t have time to hang out with or bond with my dad.

I was always at school in a boarding school, so can you blame a girl for spending her time in her room, worried about her personal life, since she knew she had only two weeks until she went back to that Catholic boarding school where you don’t even get time to think??? No.

———————

Fast forward, in my fourth year of high school, four days after my birthday, during lunch time, our Patron (Animateur) came into our dining hall and said, “Nadege, come to my office” into the microphone that the Dining hall Prefect used to use to impress girls when we were eating(smh)…

I got scared because what could I possibly have done to be called to his office,???Yohhh, Banange!!!

As soon as I stepped out, I saw my aunt, and I immediately knew. I knew because when I was at home for my 2-week holiday, my dad got sick, and also because the day before that, I had a dream that my dad got bitten by a snake (I told my friend this as a fun fact, and he said it's not a fun fact at all. He's the only one who gets my humor, so I guess it wasn’t fun after all).

My aunt told me that my dad is sick and that he needs to talk to us but I knew my dad wouldn’t do that, i know my family, we’re not those type of people, so I already knew that he was dead.

Guess what I did after she told me that? I went back to eat.

They had cooked ibijumba (my fav), and ibishyimbo, and there was amata y’ikivuguto. I wouldn’t miss that meal for the world.

Anywho…blah blah blah they finally told me that my dad died a few minutes before we got home and I did not shed a tear nor did I feel anything…FUUUUCCCKKKK.

Felt the Mbappé special.

And my aunt expected some reaction, but I was sitting there like, “Okay, let’s go back to the house then.” She even said, “Take your time, it’s okay,” but I was completely fine.

Fast forward, the funeral happened, I did not cry or feel anything, everybody else did ofc, I mean they are normal people. Do not get me wrong, I do not hate my dad, nor was I glad that he died, I did not feel anything AT ALL. I continued my life as if it were normal. CRAZY.

I just realized I might be like Meursault in Albert Camus's L'Étranger; maybe I should reread it. His mom dies, and he doesn’t show any emotion about it.

———————

Now, it’s been almost 8 years, and nothing has changed. I do not miss him, and I go for a couple of months without thinking about him unless my siblings or someone else brings him up. Do I hate my dad? No, I love that man so much. Am I connected to him emotionally? No. Do I feel guilty for not missing him? Yes…sometimes. Do I blame boarding school for it? Yes.

Before boarding school, I had little to no relationship with my dad, but the ‘little’ still counted; when I went to boarding school, even the ‘little’ one we had disappeared. All I did with my dad during those 2 weeks' holidays was greet him in the morning, have a casual conversation about school, and that was all! And then I would go back to boarding school for three months without calling, and even when I needed something, I would always call my mom because, well, you don’t bother African dads with those things. You always tell your mom to tell your dad.

So, I do blame boarding school for not missing my dad and for not having a real relationship with my dad. I truly believe that if I had spent more time with my dad, a bond would’ve formed.

Yes, I know a lot of you went to boarding schools and turned out fine, don’t rub it in my face.

Mwamaze!!

Now, I am in my twenties, and I think (emphasis on think) I know how to connect with people emotionally. My mom is one of my best friends; we’re so connected in every way, even though she is also emotionally absent in a way, we make it work. I believe I am emotionally connected to my siblings…uhm…

See how I am running out of words because I actually do not know how to describe emotional connection, or how one connects with another person emotionally? lmao….WELP!!!!

The point is, I put intention into the relationships in my life: friends, family, boyfriends (still working on this). I try to connect with them emotionally in the way I know how. I try to spend time with the people I love, I am curious about their lives, etc.

Google told me that I also need to be vulnerable with them to be emotionally connected. I am gonna have to work on that too…heehee😁

If releasing this article isn't being vulnerable, then idk what is!

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