As the rain finally arrives and there is hint of Autumn in the air (my favourite season) , it seemed a good idea to reflect on my summer of reading. At the start of summer there are always lots of recommendations for ‘summer’ or ‘holiday reading’, and I was reflecting on what that meant to me because it occurs to me that what constitutes summer reading is probably very different for every person. For me as a regular and fairly prolific reader I don’t think my reading is that different in the summer to the rest of the year. I am generally a mood reader, (other than those books I need to read for a book club), although do occasionally like to read a book in the location it is set, (normally Cornwall as I spend so much time there). With my birthday falling at the beginning of July and my birthday list consisting mainly of books I have spent much of the summer reading many of my favourite authors, some old favourites, some new and some released by some very talented writer friends.

This is part 1, and includes titles from some big names from the literary world.

First up was Writers and Lovers by Lily King. Having read and been devastated by ‘Heart the Lover’, (Lily’s latest book), at the end of last year (it was my favourite fiction book of 2025), I approached this book with excitement but also trepidation would it be as good? It didn’t disappoint, it didn’t devastate me in the way Heart the Lover did but, I loved it all the same. This book precedes Heart the Lover in timeline but it didn’t matter that I had read Heart the Lover first. They feel like completely separate books even though they share a main protagonist.

Writers and Lovers is about Casey a young woman waiting tables whilst trying to write a novel. She is broke, heart broken, and grieving the death of her mother. This sounds like it will be a miserable novel, but it so isn’t. It is moving, but also at times funny, and romantic. For me the beauty in Lily’s writing is in the details of everyday life that she captures, these draw me in and made it all so relatable. Lily King has definitely been added to my list of favourite authors and now I am going to seek out her back catalogue, in particular the award winning novel ‘Euphoria’.

Next up ‘The Things We Never Say’ by Elizabeth Strout, which has been Longlisted for the 2026 Booker Prize. I adore Elizabeth Strout’s writing, she just perfectly captures what it is to be human and a ‘ordinary’ human with an ‘ordinary’ life at that. She captures the pain and beauty of it all so perfectly. This novel is about Artie Dam a history teacher, who is struggling with feelings of isolation, brought on by the sense that people never really say what is on their minds. Artie is a beautiful soul whose impact on others lives he has no idea about. A revelation in his own life upends everything he thought he knew. Artie and Elizabeth’s writing have had a profound effect on me. Go read it, it isn’t a heavy literary tome that you might expect from the Booker Prize. It’s a relatively short book (just over 200 pages), and it just might change the way you look at the world.

Then came Ann Patchett’s Whistler, whose writing I fell in love with when I read ‘Tom Lake’. I recently bought myself a beautiful second hand hardback copy of Tom Lake, because I don’t ever not want to have that book to hand. Since reading Tom, I have had a hardcore girl crush on Ann, who owns a bookstore in Nashville, Tennessee. I basically want her life. I am very excited to be going to see her talk tonight as part of her UK book tour for Whistler.

The cover of Whistler is a beautiful painting of a horse, but the book isn’t about the horse. It is about Daphne and Eddie, who accidentally bump into each other in a museum decades after they first knew one another. Eddie was briefly Daphne’s stepfather during a short marriage to her mother. The relationship ended suddenly and dramatically. The novel follows the pair as they get reacquainted and the truth of the past unravels. The novel is about connection and how even short relationships can have a profound effect on people’s lives. Ann Patchett is a master at capturing the nuance of relationships, and for me is a perfect comfort, ‘hug in a book’ read. Ann gives me the sense that the world isn’t such a bad place because there are good people in it.

Finally for part 1 of my summer reads, is Land the latest novel from the widely acclaimed novelist Maggie O’Farrell. I found Maggie through Hamnet, which deservedly won the Women’s Prize for Fiction in 2020 and has gone on to be an Oscar winning film. Land was inspired by Maggie’s great-great-grandfather, Tomás, who was a cartographer for the British Ordnance Survey in the 19th century working for the British Army in Ireland. It is the story of a family in the aftermath of the Great Famine, told through the context of the history of the land they come to live on. As you might expect from the title, Land has a strong sense of place, not just of the landscape, but also the experience of its people, and the folklore that surrounds it, all of which draws you into this sweeping tale.

The novel did take a while to work its magic on me, it is a literary read and I needed to take my time with it at first to find its rhythm. It wasn’t until I was about a third of the way through that I became fully invested in this tale, but my love of Maggie’s writing and my trust in her storytelling kept me going and I am so glad I did. Not only did I learn so much about Ireland and the role of Britain in the Great Famine, (which much to my shame I had never been taught or read about), but it also moved me to tears and had me totally routing for the characters in all their adventures. Hamnet remains my favourite Maggie O’Farrell novel closely followed by The Vanishing Act of Esme Lennox, but I would still highly recommend Land, it will slowly draw you in and leave you with characters and a story you will never forget.

All of these books except Writers and Lovers (now in paperback) are currently out in Hardback format, (which is why they were on my birthday list), and the paperbacks are due in 2027.

In part 2 I will be reviewing, All In by Claire Powell, People in Love by Clare Daverly, The Wedding People by Alison Espach, and from my writing friends: Daughter of Ilithian by and Molly McFlynn Goes Rogue by .

As always please share any recommendations from your reading this long hot summer. I am currently deciding what to take on our family holiday to Greece next week, which when your TBR bookcase is as stacked as mine it is a hard decision!

The question I am asking myself most frequently at the moment is: Do I have it in me to write a book? Even though I AM writing a book, (or I was, it has stalled a little at the moment), I still doubt myself. I have thousands of words in Scrivener. I am putting in the hours trying to learn from other authors. I sit down at least 4 days a week to write for at least an hour or two. I am still doubting myself, getting in my own way. I know (from all the author Instagram accounts I follow), that the one quality that they believe all published authors share is perseverance. So I suppose the question I am asking myself is: Can I persevere through all the self doubt?

So in a bid to motivate myself back to the ‘practice’ novel I have decided to consider the negative things, the doubts, I am telling myself, and counter them with the positive things that I also know to be true. Hopefully this will give me the answer that to help me persevere, i.e. YES! I do have it in me.

Let’s start with all the negatives I have collected after listening to published authors talk on podcasts or at festivals, and comparing myself to them. (Yes I know comparison is the thief of joy, happiness, progress, {insert your own word here}, but we all do it, don’t we (?), even if we try not to.

Negatives

• I have very little experience of writing fiction. Only what I was told to write at school.

• I don’t have a background in journalism (or law, so many ex lawyers are authors, it must be all the stories they hear through their work). I was an accountant, then a trainer of accountants, and then a stay at home mum.

• I don’t have a background of story telling in my family.

• I am 55, I should have started writing years ago

• I didn’t keep a diary as a child, teenager, young person.

• I haven’t always had a idea that I wanted to turn into a book.

• I don’t write all day everyday, I haven’t yet managed to treat it like a job. It feels too indulgent as I am not being paid.

• I have never finished The Artists Way, by Julia Cameron.

Positives

• I have lots of experience of writing non-fiction, from having done two degrees, one to masters level which required a 12,000 word dissertation, for which I won a prize. The book bound version of that dissertation, with my name on the spine, is one of my most prized possessions.

• I am a great listener, and expert people watcher. I find people fascinating.

• I have always been a voracious reader from a young age, and I loved reading to my children too.

• I discovered writing in my fifties and I love it. I am enjoying the process of finding my voice and I now have to time to do it. I love the connection and community writing affords me. Authors like show me that it is possible!

• As an only child until the age of eight, I spent a lot of time alone and also walking places with my mum. I would make up stories in my head about the people I saw and the houses I walked past.

• I have kept a ‘One Line a Day’ diary for over 5 years now.

• I have always been curious and have a deep love of learning. I love doing a course. Learning to write, scratches that itch.

• I have continued writing in one form or another for over 2 years now, despite the doubts. This includes journalling, my Substack, poetry, my ‘practice’ novel and letters.

• I have never finished The Artists Way by Julia Cameron, YET! But I do complete Morning Pages more days than I don’t. I do take myself on Artist dates, inconsistently, but I do! And I am going to try again with in her Heartleap community in September.

• I consistently turn up to ’s Writers Accountability Book Group, having done the reading and the homework. In this book group we read books on the writing craft and come together to discuss the books and our writing journey. Emma is another woman who inspires me to believe that I can get published after coming to writing later in midlife.

• I have written over 33k of words of a book, and another 15k that I have scrapped because the book headed off in a different direction. That is about half an average novel. Adding that up has given me goosebumps!

Look at that Nicola! The positive facts far outweigh your own negative thoughts.

So I guess I live to write another day. My motto for 2026 is Keep Moving, so that’s what I am going to do! I know the doubts wont just disappear but I can keep coming back to this list to remind myself that I have got a book in me. I highly recommend this exercise of you are struggling to overcome your negative thoughts.

I am now off to make a cup of tea in celebration and spend 20 minutes in the company of Maggie O’Farrell’s mind through her latest book ‘Land’.

I have been completely influenced by Bookstagram and the hype surrounding the hit debut novel by Caro Claire Burke, ‘Yesteryear’, and I have just finished it. I tried to resist, I did, I promise. I got so many books for my birthday (see below) and have the biggest TBR pile, I didn’t need another hardback. Also when a book is such a big hit, I figure I will find it in the charity shops fairly soon and if not I will get in paperback. However I didn’t count on coming across a £3 copy on Vinted, it was a no brainer as other copies were being sold for £10+. So it was a bargain right!?

Anyway enough of justifying my book purchases, let’s get into my thoughts on the novel. They are complicated. I can’t say I enjoyed it, but I am so happy I read it, and would recommend but with caveats. If you need to like the characters in the books you read, this isn’t for you, and if you do like these characters you probably aren’t for me 😂. The main protagonist, Natalie Heller Mills, is a tradwife influencer with 8 million followers on Instagram, and she isn’t a very nice person, to anyone, even her own family. In my opinion there aren’t any particularly likeable characters in the book. However, that said, as Natalie’s life unfolded in the novel I did develop some empathy for her and her decisions, and for me this was enough to keep me reading.

The blurb:

Natalie lives a perfect life, traditional lifestyle - and her followers are sick with envy. Her charming farmhouse on her working ranch is artfully cluttered, her husband is a handsome cowboy and her homemade boules are each more beautiful than the last. So what if there are nannies and producers and industrial grade ovens behind the scenes? What her followers don’t know won’t hurt them.

Then, one morning, Natalie wakes up in a strange, horrible version of reality. Her home, her husband, her children - they’re all familiar, but something off. Is this a hoax? A reality show? A test from God?

I found Yesteryear a deeply unsettling book, every time I picked I could feel a slight tightness develop in my chest, (I can get this with really good thrillers too), as I was thrown into Natalie’s judgemental and deeply insecure mind. The novel is so well written, I felt like I was on Natalie’s ranch with her and her useless husband and many children. My one slight criticism would be that I found the narrative flagged a little for me in the middle losing some of the tension, but I wanted to know the twist and the last third didn’t disappoint. I won’t spoil the twist of you haven’t read it but I didn’t guess it and thought it was clever, adding a layer of nuance to this phenomena that I hadn’t considered or seen written about. If you have read this book, please let me know your thoughts in the comments.

I had done a little reading around the tradwives phenomena before this book was published. Having been a ‘stay at home mum’, ‘housewife’, ‘domestic goddess’, (not sure I identify with any of these, but you get the idea), I wanted to understand why these tradwives were becoming so controversial and divisive, and I found it very disturbing, and not related to my life in any way. I won’t go into detail here, as you may already know about tradwives and if you don’t there are lots of articles out there. However this book brings the impact of, Christian far right and capitalist values, and the influence of social media, on women and their ‘choices’ into sharp relief.

A controversial book on a controversial topic, I think it is ultimately an very interesting story well told and I will be thinking about it for a long time, as well as recommending it lots too.

Birthday book haul

July is my birthday month and I received lots of books and also book tokens. Perfect! Here are most of the books I received or bought with vouchers received:

Already from these piles I have read ‘Summer at Flora’s house’ by Freya North (a perfect short summers read), ‘The Things We Never Say’ by Elizabeth Strout, (just brilliant, and I am so happy it made the Booker Prize longlist), ‘Whistler’ by Ann Patchett, (another writer who never disappoints me), and I have started ‘Land’ by Maggie O’Farrell, (intriguing and transporting and I am only 50 pages in). I will share more on these in another article, but Yesteryear seemed a good place to kickstart my sleeping Substack as it is one of those books you will want to talk about with people!!

It’s good to be back, let me know your thoughts on Yesteryear if you have read it, or what you have been reading!

It is a while since I have done a book review post, and I was inspired to get back to writing them by a friend who said that she really enjoyed my reviews and the unique perspective I brought to them. That was so good to hear because as many of you will know here on Substack, and on social media, it can feel like shouting into the void at times. For those of you who are new to my reviews, I will only write reviews for books I have enjoyed and would recommend. I do rate all books on my Goodreads and StoryGraph accounts, mainly for my own record. So if you so wished you can check all the books I have read on those platforms. An author friend said she didn’t rate books she didn’t like because she didn’t think it was fair on the author and I understand that, but I would never write a nasty review, as I know something I dislike will be loved by someone else and vice versa, but I like having the record. If I ever get published I reserve my right to change my mind on this point.

I rarely abandon a book, even if I am hating it, I just moan about it and family just keep saying “why are you continuing with it?”. But I did DNF a book recently, it had been a pick for my book club. I didn’t hate it but I just found it ridiculous and I didn’t care at all about the characters or what happened to them. It’s that feeling when reading becomes a chore, then I know that I should just put it down and start a new book. I did eventually about half way through after I couldn’t make the book club and then I heard it had been rated really low by the group, so I thought, what the hell, I am just going to give up. I donated it to a book swap before I was tempted to pick it up again.

2026 has been a good reading year so far in terms of numbers, assisted in a large part by my listening to The Ruth Galloway series by Elly Griffiths on audio books. These books are crime fiction/police procedurals, where Ruth the main protagonist is a forensic archaeologist on the East Anglian coast of the UK. I came to them through a recommendation on a podcast and I am now up to the 13th book in the series. They are a good easy read/listen, and I am mainly there for all the characters and their ongoing trials and assignations. I also enjoy the historical elements of the archaeology.

On audio, I only really listen to easier reads (and I say that with great affection for an easy read, it is by no means derogatory term for me) or autobiographies. More literary books, like those with challenging structures, or deeply emotional arcs, I need to read in physical form, so I can go at my own pace and if necessary flick back and reread. I don’t find it that easy to navigate back and forth with audio or digital books, (I read on a Kindle too occasionally). The Ruth Galloway books are my version of a soap opera. Luckily Elly Griffiths (real name Domenica de Rosa) has a couple of series I can get stuck into when I have finished with Ruth.

After the disaster of the book club book I picked up a book I had had on my tbr pile for a while, My Friends by Fredrik Backman. It was the perfect choice to follow a DNF as I got my reading mojo back within the first few pages. What a book!. It is the story of a group of friends from a small Swedish town down on its luck. They are immortalised in a world famous painting and their stories unfold throughout the book as a teenager who is obsessed with the painting becomes part of the friends’ world. This is book full of hope, which is mysterious and surprising with its plot. It is a wonderful portrayal of friendship between teenagers and how our upbringing and families shape our lives. There is a strong beautiful sense of place through the quality of the writing. The detail and description of emotion is masterful. Backman is a master of the‘show not tell’, for those writers out there. In summary a totally immersive, surprising and clever read. I will miss everything about this book. I will leave you with a quote from the book, which may just become my new guiding mantra:

“That we create and paint and dance and fall in love, that’s our rebellion against eternity. Everything beautiful is a shield.”

Fredrik Backman from ‘My Friends’

I immediately followed My Friends, with A Family Matter by Claire Lynch. This is an award winning first novel (Claire has had a non fiction book published previously), for which there has been quite a lot of hype around in the bookish world. It didn’t disappoint! It is about a young mother in the early 1980s who follows her heart and is cruelly punished for it, and a daughter years later who discovers the truth about her absent mother. This is a book that has left me thinking not only about the injustices of our society against women, but of the quality of the writing which has achieved so much in a relatively short book. Not a word is wasted. The writing is in a way sparse, by that I mean shows you the impact of a deeply flawed society, but it doesn’t lay judgement on any one persons actions and doesn’t give you all the answers. Claire gives the reader space to experience and empathise, allowing us to come to our own conclusions. A tale woven so beautifully it allowed me the space to feel it all. The sensitivity of the writing and wonderful little details of human life reminded me of Maggie O’Farrell whose writing always blows me away.

I haven’t read much non-fiction this year, beyond books about writing, but one I did pick up I devoured in less than 24 hours. The book is Strangers, A Memoir of a Marriage by Belle Burden. I love the blurb on this book, so here it is:

Belle writes with such beautiful raw honesty about the sudden end of her marriage, I was really swept along on Belle’s journey through the grief for her relationship, and how she was still able to recall the wonder and romance of the earlier times amidst all the pain. It is also a brilliant commentary on the social rules of ‘traditional’ relationships and how young women can fall into traps with the promise of the ‘perfect’ marriage. There is something so compelling about being given a window into such a personal moment in someone’s life. Equally compelling is the opportunity to experience vicariously the very privileged world of America’s rich who spend their summers in New England, on ‘the Cape, or the Vineyard’. A world I will never know but can’t help myself in being fascinated by. I defy you not to be saddened, angered and captivated with this book. I understand Belle is now writing a fiction book, and I will be queuing up for that when it is published.

Here are a few other recommendations from my reading so far in 2026, all 4 star reads!

Historical fiction:

Other book series I am heavily invested in:

Vintage Read:

As always I would love to hear your thoughts on any of these books if you have also read them, or any recommendations.

What are you reading and loving at the moment?

Today is a big day for me and my family. I wanted to mark this day with a post because emotionally it feels like a big one and it is an important milestone for our family. As of today I no longer have children, I now have only adult ‘children’. My youngest turns 18 today. And whilst she still had to get up and go to school, and my other adult children are still living at home, and today isn’t that different from yesterday, (save the cake and the presents), today feels like a seismic shift for me.

Apple kindly marked the occasion by sending me an email in the early hours telling me that my daughter ‘can now manage their Apple account.’ I felt like emailing back and saying that may be the case but could they have given me a few days grace to get used to the idea? I was also reminded of her coming of age a few weeks ago when her voting card came through for the forthcoming local elections in London, that felt a small body blow too, whilst at the same time being excited for her. So many mixed emotions.

I am extremely proud of my ‘new’ adult family, and feel privileged to be their mother. They are a kind, thoughtful bunch, who have lovely friends and are people my husband and I love spending time with. I have adored seeing them grow up, watching the adults they are to become emerging. But there is also so much that I miss, those little people who would hold my hand walking along the road, who I tucked into bed at night and read bedtime stories too. I miss my small humans sitting on my lap. I even miss the night time breast feeding. I loved that quiet time especially with the third, because it was the only time I would feed without other demands being made of me. I don’t think I appreciated it the same way with my first. I miss the school holidays, with the picnics and the trips to National Trust properties, children’s farms, beaches etc. We had such fun with friends.

Don’t get me wrong, there is quite a lot I am happy to have behind me. I don’t miss the clutter of prams, toys, the plastic cups and plates. I don’t yearn for the faces appearing at the toilet door when I was trying to grab a moment to myself. I am so glad that I don’t have to pack for three kids as well as myself when going away, trying to anticipate every possibility and calamity. I don’t miss cooking for five, because actually I still do that most of the time. The meals may have changed and the fussiness mostly disappeared, but I am a feeder and despite intending to do less of this it feels such an integral part of me I struggle giving it up. At least I don’t have to do the clearing up anymore! Also, (and this maybe controversial), I don’t miss pushing swings in playgrounds. I found this the most boring of activities, I was so happy when they learnt to swing themselves.

I know I will always be their Mum, no matter how old they are. I know I won’t stop worrying about them. I know I have been a good enough mum. I hope that they will always feel like they can come to me and their Dad for help and advice. I hope that we can continue to share some holidays with them, and that we will remain a significant part of their lives. I also hope that they will be cooking me some meals, but that might be a step too far!

But alongside all the nostalgia and the little bit of sadness, there is a sense of anticipation. A new freedom that has been building slowly over recent years. A sense that this is my time. A period of my life I can shape however I like. I feel none of the expectations of my twenties for career or family and this is liberating It feels like the most selfish time in my life and I am so here for that. I feel far less guilt about prioritising my needs now. I am tonnes better at saying no. I am 80% comfortable in my own skin (always work to be done there in terms of my mindset, there is so much social conditioning to unpack). I don’t care what strangers think of me.

I do give some fucks though. I care deeply, (and if am honest much more than when I was in my twenties), about feminism and how the push back against it affects the younger generations of all genders. I worry about the inequality and the waste that capitalism is inflicting on the world. I believe strongly in the power of connection and community, and the importance of listening. It isn’t that I didn’t care about these before, but the maturing of my family has allowed me space to consider these issues more, and in my own small ways try to push back against them.

So as I celebrate two people today (it is my husband’s birthday too!), and enjoy my family’s company. I am also taking time to acknowledge the Nicola that grew and raised these amazing adults. Made all those amazing birthday cakes, survived the toddler tantrums and moody teenagers. She is awesome and all that hard work has paid off. She can now take a breathe and then continue to build a new vocation on the foundations she has been slowly laying over the last few years of; seeking out new communities, journalling and developing her writing craft.

I am glad you are here for the ride 🥰

Last weekend I spent a few wonderful days in West Wales, resting and reading with a small group of brilliant women. The Retreat was run by the amazing of Ease Retreats, along with her wing woman . As I write this I find myself longing for the view from the house across the beach towards the headland. For the ever changing sky which expanded and retreated as the winter weather of rain, cloud, mist and the occasional blue was blown across our path by the coastal winds. I can still hear the waves breaking on the beach through my bedroom window as I lay in bed, enticing me to stillness so I could absorb their rhythm, and then calling me to plunge into their cold therapy.

You may be asking why do you need to go all the way to West Wales to read and rest? Well of course I could have done it at home but would I? In short no, (for a start I don’t have such views from my house in South London). I do of course read at home, if you are a regular reader of my posts you will know that I read A LOT, but not often for any lengthy period of time without interruptions and not in front of a roaring fire, being regularly topped up by cups of tea made by someone else. This was a truly nourishing experience. And as for resting, that’s quite difficult at home with all the demands of family life and a small business. However the biggest barrier to rest is the guilt I feel when taking a moment to myself at home, there is always the to do list, as well as the interruptions and washing. I always feel I should be doing not resting. The retreat completely lifted that mental load. All I had to think about was what book to read, or tune into what my body wanted. Maybe a walk along the costal path Nicola? Or return to the fire and a book? My mind rested as much as my body, to such an extent I am struggling to engage the brain again this week, or maybe that’s just the menopause?!

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The particular magic of a reading retreat is the meeting of like-minded bookish people. There is something so special about sharing a love of reading and books. The discussions were wide ranging and wholehearted. Favourite books, authors, genres, as well as what reading means to us and how it has changed our lives. I have come away with so many recommendations for great reads, absolute gold for a book addict like me. I am currently resisting ordering any books from the list as I have a number of preordered books that I had forgotten I had ordered last year turning up quite regularly at the moment. These preordered books feel like gifts, and I have to remind myself that they werent free. The tbr pile is growing and the growth may become exponential if I don’t rein myself in a little.

Inspiration was also to be found during the two author interviews that took place on zoom during the weekend. As part of the retreat package we were gifted two books one in advance of the retreat, ‘The Surf House’ by Lucy Clarke. And one in the generous goody bag that was waiting in our rooms on arrival, ‘Truth Like Water’ by Carys Shannon. I had read The Surf House in advance of the retreat, a destination thriller set on the Moroccan coast. A transporting read that had you guessing until the end. Lucy was generous with her writing advice, sharing her process, including a fabulous mood board.

Carys was equally generous sharing her experience as a debut novelist of getting published and her inspiration found in her home country of Wales. I read Truth Like Water whilst on the retreat, it seemed the right thing to do to immerse myself in the book whilst on the Welsh coast. Truth like Water is dark mystery set in a close Welsh community full of secrets. It is beautifully written, with characters you feel you might know, and a plot that builds, creeping up on you so that you are frantically turning the pages by the end to see how it plays out.

I thought I might write whilst I was on the retreat, but I didn’t. However this isn’t a regret I felt the weekend worked its magic and allowed my mind as well as my body to rest. The inspiration provided by the authors, the books and the place, will definitely improve my writing now I am home. The only writing I did do was during the guided journalling sessions facilitated by Tanya. These sessions are optional but provided the space to download my busy mind and therefore added to my sense of peace and relaxation. Sharing the journalling experience also deepened the connection between myself and the other guests, and led to more wonderful discussions.

In short, sixty hours on the beautiful Welsh coast with likeminded women, has left me inspired, nourished and with a profound sense of who I am as a reader and writer. It was the perfect way to embrace these winter days rather than rally against them. Now I am home I am going to try and hold onto the feelings of ease, and at the same time use the inspiration to kick on with the writing.

I have struggled getting back into any kind of rhythm with my writing so far this year. I think I am avoiding the practice novel by writing Substack posts and just general procrastination. But I am hoping that one of my Christmas presents will help to kick start my writing mojo. I got lots of books for Christmas, but my favourite Christmas present was membership to the British Library. At a workshop on researching for historical novels a couple of years ago the author mentioned she had spent many days in that library, it seemed quite a romantic notion in my head. To my shame I have never been, (yes I have lived in London for most of my life). Turns out it is really easy for me to get to on public transport for home and the membership was given to encourage and inspire me to do the research for the historical novel I want to write. One of my intentions for 2026 is to start that historical novel, although at the moment I only have a vague idea of what I want to write, (and then of course there is the ‘small’ matter of the practice novel that needs finishing). I am going to try and go to the library as often as I can.

Having recovered from the post Christmas virus, and having a Friday relatively free I popped on the train and headed north of the river to make my first visit. I wanted to get my bearings, find the members room and maybe do a little writing. My first impressions were what a beautiful building internally, stacks and stacks of books behind glass rise up the middle of the building. Beautiful old tomes. Centuries of writers and creativity. And oh what a light airy space. A wonderful environment to let the inspiration and creativity flow. Did you know that the British Library has a copy of every book published in the United Kingdom? That’s quite a tbr pile! For my historical fiction writing I am particularly interested in reading books published in and around World War One. I want to discover the women of this time, what their lives were like, their relationships. It was a time of great change with the war and some women getting the vote in late 1918. I feel there are so many stories to be told.

So I arrived at the library and first have a cuppa with a friend who is studying for a Masters and then settle down to write. I normally start with my journal pages, Julia Cameron Morning Pages style, it helps me empty my head and gives me a bit of momentum to my writing. But there was a spanner in the works, I had forgotten my fountain pen. I scrabbled around in my bag for ages and ended up emptying it out (I really need to give it a spring clean!) The orange rucksack is like my writing dumping room, you know that room in the house where everything gets shoved when you are tidying up or people are coming round. As I don’t have a dedicated writing space the bag contains everything I need for my writing. Post it notes, pens, ink cartridges, tissues, hand cream, cleaner for my glasses, charging cables, lip salve…. You get the idea! It makes me think of Hermione’s bag in Harry Potter. Anyway, on this day it had failed me, it had left my fountain pen at home on the dining table (ok it wasn’t the bags fault!). There was momentary panic a bit like when you realise you have left your mobile at home, but then you tell (or try and convince) yourself you can go without it for hour. You can but then you are constantly thinking about it until you are reunited, anyone else?. Leaving a pen at home doesn’t sound like a big deal, but let me explain.

I had to resort to using a biro (I know that’s a brand name but I don’t want to keep writing ball point pen). I have nothing against biros, (well I do a bit as they aren’t great for the environment), but the experience of writing just isn’t the same. The feel of pen across the page is so different and using a fountain pen has become a key part of my writing routine. When I use a biro the words become embedded they make indentations, whereas with the fountain pen the ink makes its mark without the pressure into the paper and therefore my hand flows across the page and my thoughts feel unimpeded. After using the fountain pen for a while now, using the biro felt like the pen and page were resisting me. I didn’t enjoy it, my hand ached. Also the pressure of the biro meant the pages began to curl upwards slightly too, this annoyed me greatly.

I have briefly considered writing my novel free hand, and then type it up on the computer. I wonder if I would write differently if I did it that way? Would the words be more personal, or different in anyway? I haven’t tried yet but maybe I will? Maybe it will help me get my writing mojo back? After all many of our greatest writers must have done it this way, Shakespeare, Jane Austen, George Eliot, but lets face it this is because they had no choice. I am not sure it would work for me, primarily because I can be motivated by word count and having that at the bottom of the page spurs me on. If I wrote my novel by hand I can imagine myself stopping every 5 minutes to update the word count, like I often stop reading a book to check how far I am through it, especially if I am not enjoying it that much. I will probably keep my hand writing for my journals and poetry, as it is a practice I enjoy and fuels my creativity, but I might never get that novel finished if I switch to the pen.

Even taking into account the procrastination, the practice novel is still in stasis at the moment, but it is very much in my consciousness and I am journalling and thinking a lot about what I want it to be. I thought it was one thing when I started but now I am considering taking it in a slightly different direction. I know what I want to write about but the format/structure I had chosen had taken me away from that so it is back to the drawing board. You might be asking but it is only a practice novel does it matter? I have asked the same question. I think it does because is its current state I just feel stuck and I am a bit bored with it. So I am reviewing what I have, ditching some of it, and keeping other bits. I felt better about this when I saw Gillian McAllister on Instagram saying that she often completely deletes her first draft and starts again.

So my January writing has been slow, and at times felt like walking through a bog. But I need to give credit for what is happening and how I am learning more about what I want to write. My motto for this year is Keep Moving and that’s what I will do.

My Book Week

My last read - The Ten Year Affair by Erin Somers, some great writing but characters that needed to get over themselves (imho).

My current read - Still Running After All The Tears by Lisa Jackson, a heartfelt, emotional, hopeful read by one of my fellow writers on Heart Leap writing hours.

My next read - The Artist by Lucy Steeds, high expectations for this, I hope it lives up to them!

2026 hasn’t started well. I had intentions of getting stuck straight back into the writing and starting the year as I meant to go on, getting the book finished, with regular writing here on Substack. However my body has had other ideas and succumbed to a virus that whilst not making me overly sick, has left me feeling constantly drained, a tight chest and a brain full of fog. Regular naps are the only way of getting through the day. Whenever I try and do more normal things like some light exercise or walk the dog, or even head to a cafe for some writing, I find that I quickly feel like I could lay down my head wherever I am and sleep for a week. I am also struggling with the news of world events, in that respect 2026 has started so badly, but I can’t control that so I am not going to dwell on that here.

Despite all this I feel hopeful for my personal 2026. I am not a great one for new year resolutions, I prefer thinking about my intentions for the year. Maybe that is just language but it works for me. However I do like the feeling of the new year wiping the slate clean. I was quite glad to see the back of 2025, having lost my Dad in March. I know the grief can’t be wiped away and I wouldn't want it to be, but I have now got that first Christmas out of the way. I do enjoy the reflection that this time of year allows and encourages. I feel this can be carried out slowly and carefully over the winter months, ready for the my real surge of energy as spring arrives.

So where intentions are concerned mine are predominantly around my writing. I am determined that 2026 is going to be the year I finish my first book, whatever that may look like, but at least a draft I am happy with. I have been increasingly drawn towards poetry as my writing practice develops, reading it, listening to it and writing my own. So I want to embrace this in 2026 and try and write poems more regularly. I was bought membership to The British Library for Christmas, and I intend this to kickstart my research into the historical novel I want to start writing by the end of year.

On the reading front, my tbr pile has swollen with many books I received for Christmas. The Correspondent by Virginia Evans made it to the top of the pile. This is a beautiful book written in the form of letters and emails to and from a elderly woman named Sybil. Through the correspondence you learn her story and experience her late-in-life adventures and relationships. You really get a sense of Sybil through the way she writes. The novel is funny and moving, and it will stay with me for a long time. It made me sad shortly after to hear that Denmark had officially ended its traditional letter service on 30 December 2025. Personally emails don’t have the same impact for me. There is something special about receiving a letter through the post, it feels more personal, and gives a sense of the care and creativity that an email doesn’t. Is that just me?

So it just leaves me to wish you a happy, creative 2026! I am looking forward to connecting with you this year and continuing to share my writing journey and all the books I am loving.

I was just looking at my Substack and realised I hadn’t posted since October and we are a week away from Christmas Day! It doesn’t seem that long and that’s probably because I have actually written a number of posts between now and then but not got round to publishing them. This isn’t imposter syndrome, or thinking they aren’t good enough. No, it is for no other reason than my fiction writing has become my priority. I will often have written the post, but then not had the time to find relevant photos or make it pretty in the moment and they have been forgotten and by the time I find them they are a little out of date. Instead I have used my online writing hours to get to my novel and the word count is slowly ticking up (not as quickly as I had hoped, but an upward curve nevertheless).

I am going to spend some time over the holiday period to think about my presence here and how I want to turn up in 2026. And I will turn up, but I want to be more structured and mindful in my approach. In the meantime I wanted to thank everyone who has read my words, liked, commented or shared in 2025. You are my cheerleaders and every time you take the time to read my words I can feel my confidence growing and I become more determined to make writing my later in life career.

I thought I would sign off 2025 with a couple of my favourite books from this year, and please let me know yours in the comments.

Favourite Fiction Book

I only read Heart the Lover by Lily King last month and it blew me and all previous favourites away. I didn’t know what to expect when I picked it up as I hadn’t read Lily before (I will now be reading all her books). It is a story about first love, and although it is a love story I wouldn’t describe it as a romantic novel. It is so much more and follows the main protagonist from college days to midlife. It is beautifully written and deeply moved me, to the extent that towards the end I couldn’t put it down and ended up sobbing on the toilet. Not a pretty sight.

Favourite Non Fiction

The end of the year has been a rich vein for reading. My last non fiction was Unschooled by , The story of a family that doesn’t fit in, and it was my favourite non-fiction book and there have been some great non-fiction reads this year including Careless People by Sarah Wynn-Williams and Takeaway by Angela Hui. The Guardian described Unschooled as “barnstorming critique of today’s school system”, which it is (in part) but makes it sound a little dry and it is not! This is a wonderful story of a beautiful family that don’t fit into the rigid education system. It is a story of what it means to be a single mother fighting for your children’s needs, whilst providing a safe nurturing environment for them to grow. A story of what it feels like to see your child fall apart in front of you through no fault of your own, but feeling all the guilt anyway. A story of trying to find the woman beneath all the responsibility, guilt and general mess of everyday family life. As the mother of a neuro divergent child, albeit in different circumstances, this book has helped me to reflect on our journey as a family, to understand my child better and think more deeply on my needs as a woman. It is a very special read, a beautifully written story that will never leave me.

Thanks again for reading my posts this year. Wishing you and your family and friends a happy and peaceful holidays. See you in 2026!

I wrote a little while back about starting a book (here). I started well, writing daily and got to about 8000 words, and then I thought to myself, where is this going? It stalled me for a while. Fortunately I had booked myself onto an six week in-person Fiction Writing course, led by a local author. This made me take a step back and go through the basics of writing a novel, but more importantly I had to complete a 2000 word piece for submission and critique, so I had to get writing again. As the beginning was holding me back I decided to leave it for now and jump into the middle of the book and a key plot point. The writing started flowing again.

Before I started this writing journey and immersing myself in the literary world, I didn’t think much about how authors wrote a book, but in my mind was the assumption, (and I think in many people’s), that authors sit down and write a book in a linear line from start to finish and then breezily send that off to their editors/publishers. And maybe some do, but many don’t. The biggest lesson I have taken from all the writing books, author talks, and courses I have attended is that there is no single full proof process for writing a book. Every single author is different in how they approach the writing, and the key part of becoming a writer is that I have to explore what works for me and not try to emulate another writer no matter how good they are. So maybe squiggly writing is more my thing?

The fiction writing course has made me reflect on what type of writer I am. Am I a plotter, working out the shape of the novel before starting to write? Or can I just write and see what comes? I think I am probably somewhere in between. Listening to lots of authors over the last couple of years, I think even those that just sit and write without planning/plotting physically, have as well as their basic premise a vague idea of where they are heading even if that is only in their head. I listened to Amanda Prowse’s memoir a while back, and she has a whole library of ideas and books in her brain. She didn’t come to writing until her 40s, but she had been writing stories in her mind for most of her life and storing them away in her library. Now she is bringing out the stories and writing them down for her readers to enjoy. I loved this idea, but I haven’t got that type of brain.

I have memories from childhood, before my brothers came along (so maybe six or seven), walking home from my grandmothers with my Mum making up stories in my head about the people behind the doors and windows I was passing. I remember the feeling vividly but I don’t remember the stories. What I know about myself now is that I am a visual learner, I need to get ideas out and onto paper (or notes my phone), otherwise they are lost. Similarly I am quite good at maths, but mental maths I find really hard beyond the basics, I need a pencil and paper to work through problems. I need to see it on the page. So I am learning to approach my writing and my book in a similar way, building up visual cues to give writing some physical flesh and structure.

Post it notes have become my new best friend, for brainstorming plot points, notes about characters, questions that arise as I write. Their versatility means I can write a stack as I think of them wherever I am and then transfer to pages in a notebook in a more structured form. I did think about using online sticky notes, (and went down a bit of a rabbit hole on that, who knew that there were so many apps dedicated to them??). However, I love the physical nature of writing, the feeling of the pen on the page. I have got into this through my daily journalling with my fountain pen (thank you for inspiring that habit). I feel like it really connects me to the page, and gives the process more meaning rather than sitting at a screen all the time, which can leave me feeling a little zoned out if I do it for too long. So much of our lives is mediated through screens, for me having this more physical representation of my work makes the process more joyful.

I am now working on the ending of the book, so I have a place to work towards. It may change and probably will as the story unfolds, but the process of working through how the story may end has helped me to start to plan the middle, sparking ideas for the plot and new characters, and building excitement in me for that part of the writing (moving from the beginning into the middle) that had me stalled a few weeks ago. I have also decided to give myself a goal of having 35,000 words, (approx half the book by Christmas), about 2500 words a week, 500 per working day. I have deliberately kept this small and achievable, as I don’t want it to feel like hard work and also I can catch up easily if life gets in the way.

In terms of my writing learning, I am about to dive into ‘Save The Cat! Writes a Novel’ by Jessica Brody. I have had it recommended so many times, hopefully it will help with the plotting of my novel. Apparently it is ‘The Last Book on Novel Writing You’ll Ever Need’, I will let you know. But given how much I love reading, learning, and buying books, I doubt it 😂

Are you a linear or squiggly writer? Any tips or advice for me? Or encouragement? Please use the comments, I love hearing from you.

Thanks for reading, it means a lot to me.

As part of my midlife upgrade, over the last few years I have been slowly decluttering the house. Being a 54 year old woman, married for 26 years and 3 year children we have accumulated a lot of stuff. I am not a hoarder, I am quite good at passing on kids clothes, toys and also books, but inevitably stuff builds up. In the kitchen cupboards, in the shed, in the loft, under the beds and then there is the paperwork and photos. It all adds up slowly, and since the coincidence of Covid and my menopause, I feel the weight of all those items from my past weighing down on me, clouding my thinking, holding me back. I find myself yearning for a pared back life, where I have space for my writing and making the most of this midlife.

I have made big progress on my wardrobe over the last year and made a tidy sum on Vinted, (I highly recommend, but be warned it can be a little addictive), as well as helping to stock the local charity shops. The kitchen cupboards are looking tidy, now all the gadgets we never use have been passed on. I love a bit of paperwork shredding too, sticking a podcast on and piling through the bank statements is so satisfying. At one point I had payslips (remember those!?), and bank statements going back to 1999, now all gone. This week it was the turn of the photos.

Early on in my marriage and when the kids were small I was fairly organised at getting photos printed and put into albums. However I didn’t throw away the spares, the rubbish ones, or the ones that didn’t make it into albums, and there were lots of duplicates too. As well as photos from my childhood and teenage years that never made it into albums. There were boxes of them and most of them could have been thrown away, instead I have kept them cluttering up cupboards for many years. Do you ever have those moments when you struggle to understand what was going through your younger self’s head, and end up cursing them? The photos we were keeping needed a better home, where they were sorted into relevant categories and I was recommended this great box for this.

However many of the old photos I sorted through are rubbish, almost the equivalent of a random screenshot today. But back then you didn’t know that until you developed the film. That said, some of the blurry old photos are my favourites, they seem such an antidote to the highly curated photos we see on social media. They often capture real moments and there are far less ‘posed' pictures, (conveniently forgetting a teenage ‘photo shoot’ I did with one of my best friends on a holiday in the West Country, posing moodily on rocks by the sea. I actually love those photos for the time they represent, they make me want to give young Nicola and friend a big hug!). There are also quite a few group photos, but there aren’t any selfie type photos. In a way that’s a shame as it means there aren’t many photos of me with the kids when they were little as I am the one taking them. Did you know ‘Selfie’ was officially recognised as word of the year by The Oxford Dictionary in 2013? Such a recent phenomenon, but so pervasive.

Whilst decluttering can feel like a chore, sorting through our photos and looking back at the younger me with the help of two of my kids has been so much fun and occasionally emotional. Sharing the person I was before they came along feels a precious activity that gives them a fuller picture of me beyond the Mum they know. In the photos of me in my 20s, I look so young and lovely, and that Nicola does feel like a different person, another lifetime, and I suppose it is in many ways, but it is good to remember that she is buried deep in the layers of me. However whilst I may look young and happy, I remind myself that whilst don’t always remember the names of all the people in the photos alongside me, I sure do remember the insecurities. Trying to fit in with people, some of whom I didn’t really like. I remember the boyfriend, but I struggle to remember why I was with him in the first place. Whether printed out or now on social media, photos rarely tell the whole story.

It was poignant to come across pictures of my dad who died earlier this year, they reminded me of the man he was rather than the shell he became because of the cancer and dementia. It is helping to shift the image I have in my head of him lying on his death bed. His partner has also been sorting out some of his things and passed some photos on to me. The two I love the most are one of him in a racing car in the 1960s, he was a racing car driver before a road accident ended his career. And also one of me aged about five, eating ice cream. He always had this photo up and it reminds me how much he loved me, even though he wasn’t the best at showing it.

The significance of these photos has me reflecting on how the change to digital photos and cloud storage will impact on my children looking back in years to come, or even grandchildren, if they arrive. These photos are important to me and I wonder if they will ever have a similar archive? Will they ever bother to get photos printed out? It makes me happy to think they will at least have the photos that I had printed of them as kids. Creepily in the way social media can be, adverts for lots of services for printing photos and curating them in albums keep popping up on my Instagram feed. So maybe more people are doing it than I think, are you?

During the Covid lockdowns I started creating photo books (less space hungry than the old albums where you slot the printed photos in). I managed to do 6 years from 2020 back to 2014. Some are of a whole year, some are of particularly special family holidays. But once the world opened up that task got set aside. I would really like to do the same for 2020 onwards. Maybe I should set myself the task of doing one year a month? I need to sort the photo albums on my phone first!

I have so many photos on my phone and on the cloud, as of today in the region of 40,000, just writing that gave me the shivers. Does anyone have more than that? If so please let me know in the comments, just to make me feel slightly better about it. I have so many because I take photos of so many things, books, recipes, things to remind me of what I need to do, for Vinted, for Instagram, so many reasons. I really need to delete and sort them all, firstly having so many photos stored on the cloud is not good environmentally. Secondly it means the meaningful stuff gets lost and difficult to find.

It is the meaningful nature of these photos, that makes their sorting out feel different to most of the other decluttering I have done. The pictures are a connection to another time, to other generations and another me. I know that other people feel strong connections to objects, but for me it is the photos. They remind me who I am, where I have been and who has come along on this mad journey of life with me. They remind me of what is important, where I feel happiest and with whom. So it feels like this task, has been an important part of my midlife upgrade, it has even helped me to lay a few ghosts to rest. And as we shred all the photos that are being binned, (I couldn’t bin them whole, it didn’t seem right), I feel a sense of lightness come over me.

I am feeling so much as we start this new month and new season. Mainly introspective and a little melancholy. Times are changing here as my youngest starts their last year at school, the year has a slightly different rhythm to it now with mainly grown up children. September is also my Dad’s birthday but he died earlier this year, so that also is taking on a new hue. A poem seemed the perfect way to capture what September is bringing up for me, both past and present as my life transitions.

I am really new to poem writing, I am experimenting and learning. I feel quite drawn to it now as I get further into my writing practice. This is a revelation given one of my early posts about how I struggle with poetry. I am finding that each time I look at the poem I make small changes, and I wonder if I will ever feel it is ‘done’. This is something that I am learning about writing generally, that it never really feels finished. I can always find something to change, but at some point you have to let go. So here is a poem that I wasn’t sure I was going to publish, however I feel I need to place it here so I can now move on to the next one.

September
By Nicola Wyllie

Hello September and your
New starts and restarts
A time of change
For making new friends

September is for parents
Time to take breathe
Relish moments of calm
Now busy summers over

September heralds Autumn
Gentle and soothing
The warm glow of light
Bringing melancholy too

September is for socks
Jumpers are stirring
It is nudging the coats
And eyeing the boots

September reminds us 
of celebrations pending 
Mince pies in Sainsbury’s
Really? who buys those?

September is birthdays
My dads and daughters
Dad no longer getting older
Happy birthday dear Dad

I found it a disappointing mid/late summer for films, and maybe this was always the case as it is the holidays and they are catering for the younger audience, but now my kids are old enough to go on their own I don’t have to go to films not for meant for my demographic or taste, (I am thinking of some dreadful chipmunk movie I once took them too). Once I had watched Jurassic World Rebirth and F1 early on in the summer (see previous review), I kept checking the listings but it seemed like the releases were nearly all remakes of previous superhero films and I just didn’t have the appetite for it. I have heard that the new Superman film is really good but couldn’t get any enthusiasm up for it, I wasn’t the biggest fan of the earlier films so why would I want to go back and watch the same/similar story again? Ditto Fantastic Four.

So over the summer months I rewatched a number of films at home that I have loved in the past, as well as some desperate watches when we were browsing the options on the TV and trying to find something the whole family are happy to watch. This can be very torturous, sometimes taking up so much time we give up and go to bed. So as soon as a film appears that gets the thumbs up from everyone we plunge in, not necessarily doing the due diligence we should do to check if it is worth watching. This can lead to us watching some dreadful films, but it is the price you have to pay for not spending half an hour flicking through trailers and in the meantime losing the will to watch anything. However as we approach the end of August the cinemas are beginning to serve up some films more to my liking, so I have headed back to my local cinema full of anticipation.

Recommendations

I went to see The Life of Chuck this week, and I loved it, as did my daughters. My husband enjoyed it but he is more of an alien killing machine film type of guy, and it doesn’t deliver on that front, (thankfully). It is based on a Stephen King short story, but this isn’t the type of story he is most famous for, I am not a horror film watcher and this isn’t that. But it isn’t an easy film to describe, (I was pleased to hear the film critic Mark Kermode say a similar thing), as it evokes almost opposite emotions at different times and also it would be really easy to giveaway the intrigue element of the film. The title of the film tells you what you need to know, this is the story of a life and of all the things most of us experience, love, heartbreak and the 'multitudes of ourselves’.

On immediately leaving the cinema I described it as a gentle heartwarming film, but on reflection it is also at times, especially early on, as unsettling as you might expect from King. From the trailer I thought it might be a weepy, (doesn’t take much to bring me to tears), but it didn’t move me in that way, and I don’t say that as a criticism, it is really moving at times, but in a more reflective way.. I liked Mark Kermode’s description, “it is a film about an idea” and that idea is profound. I think this film will stay with me for a long time

The star of the film for me is the young chuck, played by Benjamin Pajak, who is a phenomenal actor, as well as accomplished dancer. His scenes, particularly those with his grandfather played by Mark Hamill, show so much emotional depth and a talent that surpasses many of the leading actors in Hollywood, and currently only 14 (although only 12 at the time of filming). Tom Hiddleston is the poster boy of the movie, and he is great in it, but it is more like an ensemble cast, including brilliant performances from Karen Gillan and Chiwetel Ejiofor. I highly recommend this movie.

My summer rewatch recommendations are Bridemaids, Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle and Arrival. Firstly, Bridesmaids, this is the only film I have ever gone to the cinema to see twice. I loved it and still do. I had never seen a film that was so honest about women’s experience and relationships, and showed real women not always behaving how society expects them too. It is so funny, and paved the way for more female fronted films and comedy, although not enough in my opinion.

Next ‘Jumanji : Welcome to the Jungle’, starring The Rock, Kevin Hart, Karen Gillan and Jack Black. This is the reboot of the original Jumanji starring Robin Williams, which is now almost 30 years old, can you believe it?! (Also this year Jaws is 50 years old, surely that’s not possible?). This follow up is such a good movie, it’s funny with great action and really good performances from everyone. The concept of this film is clever too, evolving from the original board game to the characters being sucked into the video game format. We love a family friendly action film in this house, and this film doesn’t disappoint, I had forgotten how funny it was!

On a more serious note, we also revisited ‘Arrival’ starring Amy Adams and Jeremy Renner. Amy Adams is brilliant in this film (and in my book steals the show), in which she plays a linguistics expert brought in to try and communicate with aliens that have landed on Earth. This isn’t your typical alien film, it is much more profound, playing with the concept of time and determinism. I found it moving and thought provoking.

So those are my recommendations, here are the films I wished I had avoided:

To avoid (in my humble opinion)

I went to see ‘The Materialists’ staring Dakota Johnson, Chris Evans and Pedro Pascal, on my own. No-one else in my family is particularly interested in a RomCom, but I had liked the trailer and hadn’t been to the cinema in a while. Dakota is a dating expert working for a high end dating agency, she meets the very rich Pascal at a wedding of one of her clients and starts a relationship with him. Chris Evans is the ex who also turns up at the wedding as a waiter, he is an out of work actor who she dumped because he was broke. It is damning inditement of the current dating scene, which I don’t know anything about but can believe is fairly accurate from what I have heard.

I neither liked or hated this film, it was ok. It had some Rom, but not any Com as far as I could tell, it was a bit depressing rather than funny. I thought it was highly predictable as to how it would end and not really that satisfying how they got there. One of my children said she had heard it was ‘broke man propaganda’, which did make me laugh as the slightly dishevelled Chris Evans character was one of the highlights for me, along with the beautiful sets. I have seen really mixed reactions to this film, so maybe you will be someone who loves it?

‘Lift’ starring Kevin Hart, was one of our family desperate picks, which backfired on this occasion, it is terrible. An action film where Hart plays a master thief, blackmailed by the FBI to carry out a heist for them, to save lives, yes really. The acting is terrible, and it isn’t funny. The action scenes are ok and the only redeeming feature, but I will never get that 1 hour 47 minutes of my life back and that I regret.

Films out soon that I am looking forward to:

My hubby and I are off to see ‘The Roses’ this weekend. I am slightly worried I have seen all the best bits from the trailer (were trailers always like this? or is it a more recent thing?), which I have now seen multiple times as it is being marketed aggressively. Starring Olivia Coleman and Benedict Cumberbatch as a couple falling out of love and into war spectacularly. I think it looks great, funny with lots of action.

I am also excited for the last Downton Abbey film, I came to Downton late after the TV series had finished and my mum asked me to go one of the films with her. I really enjoyed the film so then I binged watched the TV series. I have since been to Highclere Castle where they do the filming with a friend, it was great day out, the gardens being as beautiful as the building. Out on the 12th September, I am looking forward to taking my mum as a birthday present.

The Thursday Murder Club is out today on Netflix, we had wanted to see it at the cinema but it only has a short cinema run here in the UK, and not at one near us. Richard Osman, who wrote the book, has said it wasn’t meant to go to cinemas at all, because Netflix funded it, but there was such a large outcry here in the UK, because Osman is so popular, that Netflix allowed it a short run before release. I recently read the book with lots of encouragement from my husband who loved it and wants to see the film. I wanted to read the book before watching the film, I just generally prefer it that way. I wasn’t the biggest fan of the book. It is an easy cosy crime read. I didn’t dislike it but it is all plot and very little character development, and there are a lot of characters, too many in my opinion . I know it was always planned as a series so the main characters will be developed over time. However that being said I am looking forward to watching the film later, it will be really interesting to see how it adapted and how the characters differ to those in my head.

‘I Swear,’ is a British drama film coming out in October. It is based on a true story of John Davidson with Tourette’s Syndrome, who went on to campaign for greater awareness of this condition. It has a great cast and looks to be moving and funny, and right up my street!

Any other recommendations for me?

I am renaming my menopause to ‘My Midlife Upgrade’, thanks to an Instagram reel! I got sent the reel by a friend with a laughing emoji, but it had a more profound effect on me other than just a giggle. The guy in the reel gave a wonderful description of what was happening to women during the menopause (I know a man describing menopause, but stick with me please). The video is primarily a call to men to step up and witness their partners and grow with them, but as a woman I loved the descriptions used for peri menopause as it challenges the societal stereotypes around midlife women, for example the guy says “You are not witnessing her falling apart, you are watching her upgrade”. I love this and thought to myself, “Yes, absolutely feel this and I am going to own it”.

There can be lots of negatives to the menopause, for me the anxiety and the brain fog were the worst, (but more under control now with HRT and exercise), it is different for everyone. But I think part of the key to getting through this period of change for me is embracing the positives and seeing it as an opportunity for renewal, for an upgrade to the next level of womanhood. At the same time as this physical change I am moving to a new phase in my life where I have more time to do what I want and explore new avenues.

My old ways of operating that served me well whilst I was bringing up my children, in particular putting their needs above my own, but this approach to life is no longer serving me and is now keeping me static and to a certain extent frustrated and unfulfilled. I am looking for a new way of living and interacting with the world so that I can get the most out of life. Having lost my Dad earlier this year this has taken on a new urgency for me, it brought home that old adage, ‘Life is Short’.

The reality is that it is so hard to break these patterns, but I know things need to change. The instagram reel talks of “throwing everything that doesn’t serve her on the fire”, and for me this is about throwing on the fire my old mindset, and in a large part about no longer putting up with the rubbish that is thrown at us by society, the misogyny, ridiculous beauty standards and the obsession with productivity.

A big mindset change for me is not believing that the domestic load is all mine and passing on some of that load to others, but it is easier said than done as it is so engrained and mixed up with so many conflicting emotions in my head. When I was a younger mum I felt guilty about being a stay at home parent, (my partner never made me feel that way, but society did, economically inactive anyone!?), and therefore I compensated by being super organised, with a super tidy house. I have to say that I no longer feel that same guilt, we made a choice (and were lucky to be able to do so) that I would stay at home. My partner travelled a lot with work so it was difficult for him to be consistent on the childcare front, and to be honest I loved doing it, (most of the time). Our house certainly isn’t the tidy home it once was, because I care less what other people think and it is no longer a priority for me. In true midlife stereotypes, the garden is more important to me now, it is my haven. However, I still feel most of the weight of domestic matters, not uncommon for most women my age, I am guessing?!?

The thing is all of that old mindset is now getting in my way of the dreams I have for my future. A future where I can dedicate my time to writing, connecting with others, and having my kind of fun, (mostly involving books, family & friends, and getting out in nature). I am doing all these things, but it is feeling a bit messy and ad hoc, and I know why. It is because I am not prioritising them enough. I am still so accessible to everyone most of the time, other than when I escape to the coffee shop to write, and even then I find myself answering my families texts/requests. Why do I do this? Because I am scared. Scared that I will no longer be the rock at the centre of our family. I have enjoyed that role, I wanted that role, still do, and I fear no longer being that, it is the core of my identity.

So how do move forward and boost the upgrade? How do I put aside that need to be central in the family, to a place where I can be more Nicola and less Mum/Wife. I love my family and I will always be there for them, but I want to get to a place where that role no longer means setting aside my dreams. I also think I have been a good enough parent so that they know how much I love them and that they can count on me when they really need it.

Firstly I need to treat the writing like a job and set aside regular slots of time for that, and close the office door and put up a “Do Not Disturb” sign. I work well with routine, I like knowing it is Tuesday so I have writing hour or it’s Wednesday time for that exercise class. Those regular engagements in my diary I find easier to keep and stick at, it was what I was used to with school day and calendar. So I need to apply the same rules to my writing, schedule it and turn up.

Secondly and maybe more importantly, the biggest change I am planning is getting a job outside the home. I want to work in a bookshop, as you know if you have been reading my Substack for a while I love books and talking about them. In the past I have found myself in bookshops talking to people and helping them choose a book, so I know I would be good at it. Although it may be costly as the temptation of all those books on a regular basis may prove too much for this book buying addict.

As I write I am in the process of drawing up my CV to apply for some part-time roles, this is big for me as I haven’t applied for a job for decades. Writing the CV was so hard at first, I just thought I had no relevant experience. But with a little AI help and previous applications for courses I have attended, it has started to take shape and now I am working to cut it down to one A4 page. I think this step is so important for changing my mindset, boosting my confidence, and for changing my relationship with our home.

The decision to make these changes has me excited, wish me luck.

This midlife woman is upgrading, so watch this space, exciting things to come!

July always starts with my birthday, and this year I turned 54. I like my fifties generally, I feel more confident and like having more time to explore the things I enjoy, like reading, writing and spending time with fabulous women. However it isn’t without its challenges, it is a time of lots of change. My children growing up, my parents getting old and dying, my husband giving up work. I have found this all quite challenging at times and the future feels quite uncertain, in particular where we might be living in the future, we want to move out of London eventually, but not sure where and responsibilities towards family, both young and old, muddying the waters and our thinking. That all said I think 54 is going to be a good year for me, and I am going to focus on embedding my writing habit and only doing the things that bring me joy.

This birthday was low key, just the way I wanted it. I got some lovely gifts and cake (of course), and we went to see the new Jurassic World Rebirth movie on the day it was released. We are big Jurassic fans in our house, we have all watched the movies multiple times. I know they aren’t the best films in the world but we always enjoy them and to quote Ronseal, ‘they do exactly what they say on the tin’! I think this ‘Rebirth’ is one of the better ones and certainly scarier than the others. There are inconsistencies, and plot holes (but part of the fun is discussing all these as we leave the cinema), but it is great to look at, I like the new characters, and it had me gripped until the end.

For the last decade or so July has also meant time in Cornwall and we managed to get 12 days there this year, it was bliss. The first week in particular was so good, just me and my husband (and the dog), perfect weather, warm with blue skies, morning swims, some writing and lots of reading. The second week the weather turned, well to more Cornwall like (changeable with some rain, but still warm), and two of our children joined us, with friends, so it was a busier but no less fun week. Lots of card games, family meals, SUP, a beach BBQ and lots of lively discussions, (we aren’t a quiet family).

Now back home for the last week or so I have been trying to get back into the swing of things, especially getting my writing back on track. Now that my children are grown (if still at home), I don’t have the summer holidays to fill with outings and constant demands for food, so I have no excuse for not getting my head down, other than my mind and body still want to be relaxing, swimming, reading and indulging in cream teas. Instead I am forcing my body into a new exercise regime and a calorie deficit (with mixed success). I have put some weight on over the last year or so and got into habit of lots of cake and pastries and I have been having quite negative thoughts about my body so have decided to do something about it. I don’t want to give up cake, it is one of ultimate pleasures, but I do want to find some balance and feel more positive about my body.

I also want to prioritise my writing, whilst I have been keeping going I don’t feel I have a routine pinned down yet and I feel this what I need. I attend a writing hour twice a week, and that has become I great habit, but 2 days a week isn’t enough. Before I went to Cornwall I was managing 1000 words a day, 5 days a week, (and whilst Wimbledon was on the telly), but that has quickly fallen by the wayside. If I am going to get a book written and some momentum to my Substack it needs to be 5 or 6 days a week for 3-4 hours. Does anyone reading this have any other writing hours/rooms they would recommend, on here or elsewhere (on a Mon/Weds/Fri)? I am also trying not to be too hard on myself, I have kept up the writing even if it isn’t as much as I would like. I am aware that I am making quite a few changes at the same time, so trying to celebrate any progress.

I took quite a stack of books to Cornwall with me, 11 in total, and read 5, plus half a book I was reading on my Kindle when I arrived. I knew I wouldn’t read them all but when I can just chuck them in the car, I would rather have a choice of what to read. I try and organise my current tbr to be 10-15 books that I think I want to (or feel I should) read next, but I can never tell what is going to take my fancy or what life is going to throw at me and therefore how I am going to feel. And of course when shiny new books turn up or I happen to pass a bookshop suddenly a book can jump to the top of the pile. I have a little trolley where I keep the ‘next to be read’ on top, and underneath what I have read and need to review. It is currently completely overflowing and is on my to do list to sort it out. I thought it would help keep my desk tidier but that hasn’t happened either. I used to be so organised and tidy, but midlife seems to have changed that. I don’t worry about it too much, after all life is about living and not tidying, but I do think it might help my writing to get a little more organised.

So enough of the rambling, how about some recommendations of what have I read, watched, listened to lately and enjoyed. Of course first up books:

Book Recommendations:

I enjoyed all the books I read in Cornwall and all were 4 or 5 star reads on my Goodreads, but my favourite book was Kate Sawyer’s ‘This Family’. This is a family drama that made me cry, and I didn’t want it to end. I discovered Kate through Amazon’s First Reads (I don’t buy physical books from Amazon anymore, but I do occasionally buy a Kindle book and I do download a First Read if something takes my fancy), where I chose her debut novel ‘The Stranding’, which I really enjoyed and recommend that book too. In ‘This Family’, Mary is getting married for a second time and her family are coming together for the first time in a long while to celebrate. Mary has asked her adult ‘girls' to put aside their differences for this one day, so she can have her perfect day with all the people she loves. It is the morning of the wedding and they are setting up the wedding reception in the garden of the family home, which has been sold and will be handed over in a weeks time. The novel moves between the present day and the past to build a picture of how they have got to this place and time, through marriages, births, and separations. The house and in particular the garden are key characters in the story, and it is beautiful and complex and I loved it.

Other recommendations are:

• ‘Takeaway’ a memoir by Angela Hui. A fascinating read about what it is like to grow up behind the counter of a Chinese takeaway in rural Wales, and between two cultures. I spent most of the time reading it hungry for Chinese food, it also includes recipes of the food that Angela’s family ate, rather than served in the shop.

• ‘The Elopement’ by Gill Hornby. I love Gill Hornby’s books, they transport me back to the early 19th century, to the world of Jane Austen’s family and in particular the women, the difficult world of men they have to live in, and marriage that they have to navigate. I saw Gill speak at The Womens Prize Live, she is a Jane Austen devotee and her fiction evokes that world and time so engagingly but with a modern writing style. If you like historical fiction I think you will like this, you don’t need to be a Jane Austen fan.

• ‘Careless People: A Story of Where I Used to Work’ by Sarah Wynn-Williams. This was a birthday present, I loved it and found it hard to put down. Sarah worked for Facebook and in close proximity to Mark Zuckerberg and Sheryl Sandberg for many years. Whilst I wasn't shocked by the revelations, as many are widely reported, it all leaves a rather nasty taste, and I will never look at Facebook again in the same light. I spent many hours deleting stuff from Facebook after reading this book in preparation for coming off altogether later in the year when a garden course I signed up to ends in the Autumn. Yes I am still on Instagram, but even that I am questioning. I think it is a really well written memoir that is compelling and has left me with greater insight into global big business culture.

• Currently reading: Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen, and no I have never read it before, in fact it is my first Jane Austen book (inspired by Gill).

Another film recommendation:

F1 The Movie with Brad Pitt, Damson Idris, Javier Bardem and Kerry Condon. Yes it is one big advert for Formula One, but it is a great adrenaline filled watch and didn’t feel nearly as long as the 2hrs 35m, I really enjoyed it. True motor racing fans may find the glossing over of the technicalities of the racing and the small fact of ‘Qualifying’ quite annoying. The one thing that bothered me was the commentating, which felt like a beginners guide to F1, it was really annoying, but if you don’t know anything about it then you probably wouldn’t notice. As much as I want to not like Brad Pitt he is really good in this, as was all the cast. The ‘love interest’ plot line was more a grown up sexual attraction story and all the better for it. Again not the best movie in the world, but very watchable and a good evening out with my hubby and son.

TV watches:

I am still missing the Wimbledon coverage weeks later but the void is being filled The Sewing Bee on the BBC, this is a much watch for me with The Great British Bake Off. Wholesome reality TV that is really comforting in this increasingly chaotic and violent world.

We have just finished ‘Untamed’ on Netflix, with Eric Bana. A crime drama series set in the very beautiful Yosemite National Park in California, also starring Sam Neill. It is quite a dramatic opening which had me cowering behind my fingers on the sofa and it is only six episodes. The Guardian described it as “unapologetically meat and two veg, sincere and far fetched” and gave it three stars, which I agree with. It is fairly predictable and the last episode felt a little unnecessary, but I enjoyed the chemistry between Bana and his imposed side kick, and I loved the scenery, the star of the show in my opinion.

Listening to:

• Noah Kahan: I hadn’t heard of Noah a year ago but our youngest daughter loves him and we bought her tickets to his BST Hyde Park Show for Christmas present. I love his song Stick Season, it is my favourite song of the last 12 months, and we started listening to his albums in preparation for the concert. It was such a great evening, Noah and his band were just brilliant to watch, they were clearly having the time of their lives and music sounded even better live. The energy was incredible, 65,000 people singing along, it was a night to remember and the cherry on the cake was him bringing on Lewis Calpaldi to sing the track Northern Atttitude.

• James Blunt on The High Performance Podcast, this was actually released last year, but it came up on social media (probably because he references Noel Gallaghers comments about him) and as I am a fan of James Blunt I went to check it out. I actually got to meet him earlier this year the morning after his Belfast Concert, (at the airport when we were waiting for our flight home, he was on the same flight), and he was lovely. I thought the podcast was really interesting and they definitely managed to bring out a side of him that you don’t normally see. He is a really interesting complex character and it’s worth a listen.

• on The Bibliotherapists Podcast. I am a big fan of Sam’s own podcast The Shift and her book club here on Substack, and this episode sees the tables being turned and Sam answering the questions. I really enjoyed hearing about Sam’s reading habits and favourite genres, and what it is like when you read for a living.

• Finally I am really late to the party on this one but I have just started enjoying The Rest is Entertainment with Richard Osman and Marina Hyde. The Salt Path controversy is what drew me to the podcast as I was interested to get some other takes on the revelations from The Observer, but now have stayed because I love listening to Richard Osman, and the pair have a great chemistry and brilliant knowledge and insight.

I have started writing a book.

I pondered over that sentence, a lot! Do I say book or novel? (Novel sounded too scary, so I stuck with book). Do I even write it at all, am I ready to share this? Am I setting myself up to fail? But in the end I decided to say it/write it down for a number of reasons. Firstly to give myself some accountability. I have been writing on here, journalling, attending creative writing workshops and generally immersing myself in the writing, bookish world for a while now. I was calling myself an aspiring writer. But crucially I wasn’t writing the fiction that I aspired to write, but now I am and I figured putting the statement of fact out into the world will give me more incentive to keep going. Maybe the occasional, ‘how’s the book going?’ or ‘what’s your word count up to Nicola?’ from my followers, will give me the nudges I need to keep going, (approx 4000 words as of today, thanks for asking).

Secondly, I hope documenting my writing journey, including what has inspired me, what I have found works for me or doesn’t, useful resources etc, might be interesting and helpful to others, and also the writers amongst you might have advice for me when I inevitably hit some bumps along the way. I have found listening to many writers talking about their own writing tools and methods over the last couple of years, really inspiring and helpful. I am nowhere near being a published writer, yet, but my experience might be useful to someone. If not, I will at least I have a record of all the work I put into this, it might be helpful for book number two, (eeek did I just write that??). I have found the writing community to be friendly and generous, so sharing seems to be the natural thing to do and as I have said before, writing is about connection for me.

Thirdly, this is a little celebration. I started, I am doing it, I am chasing my dream aged 53. This is a little pat on my own back to say I am proud of me. There has been a lot of procrastination, imposter syndrome/not good enough feelings, and just generally feeling quite scared about the whole thing. But I have pushed through those feelings and as ridiculous as they may seem they have been very real to me. This might not be ‘the’ book that I try and get published, I don’t want to put that pressure on myself. I want to experience the process of putting together a coherent 80,000 words, of editing and finessing them. Where that takes me only time will tell, but I am sure this won’t be my last book.

So why start writing now, what has changed?

I attend ’s Heart Leap writing hours on Zoom twice a week, most weeks. There are lots of fabulous women writing books, plays, Substacks. These women are so inspirational and encouraging. I had been mainly writing my Substack posts and book reviews, but my big dream is to write a book, a historical fiction novel. But I haven’t settled on a idea for that. Then, I had an idea for a contemporary story, that didn’t require the same level of research at this stage, I could get writing now. I still didn’t do it straightaway. Until one week listening to other Heart Leaper’s talking about their writing experience, what was working, what wasn’t, and somebody mentioned Hilary Mantel and the fact that she had given advice to write snippets of dialogue, and scenes as they occur to you rather than in order. They can be stitched together later. And I thought ‘I can do that!’, it freed me from thinking I had to have a fully fledged idea to start writing a book. So I did, and I have used the Heart Leap writing hours since then to start ‘the book’.

I am currently reading Stephen King’s “On Writing, A Memoir of the Craft”. Recommended by Annie Lyons, a local author whose Creative Writing course I attended. It is a great read, King’s writing life and inspiration is fascinating, and it is full of really practical honest advice. What I like most is that his advice is simple, and made me feel that I can do it. It doesn’t make writing out to be a magic art, it is so much (not all) about just keeping at it, putting in the hours and learning the craft. There are elements that make me think of Elizabeth Gilbert’s "Big Magic”, (which I also highly recommend), that sense that the stories are out there waiting for authors to discover them. And how writing doesn’t have to be painful and the writer doesn’t need to be a tortured, complicated, difficult character to be good at it.

As you know I love reading and my hobby is visiting bookshops and buying books. So as expected I have a big tbr pile of books on writing. I used books to support my sober journey, and still pick up some ‘Sober Lit’ every now and then to top up my inspiration, and counteract the messages of the drinking culture that we live in. I am now using these writing books to educate myself and inspire me with my writing. I have already read and loved ‘Written’ by and Chris Evans, a great practical book about developing and maintaining a writing practice (rather than writing as a craft), so is relevant to all types of writing including academic. I am trying to put new habits and support in place that they recommend. As you can see I have lots more to make my way through, and I will share my favourites as I do!

My journalling has also been an important part of getting to this point, with huge thanks to for being a huge inspiration on this front. I write down all my doubts, negativity and rage, to get it out of my head, it still feels magical that this works! I have also found that the Nicola on the page has become a bit of a cheerleader for my writing, reminding me of my dreams, and of the engagement and positivity I get on here and on Instagram in response to my writing. That has been huge for me. I kind of do my own version of The Artists Way, (I will complete it fully one day!), with daily (well almost) journalling and taking myself on Artists Dates.

All this work I have put in, (it doesn’t feel like work), feels like it is beginning to pay off. I am beginning to feel like a writer. Whether I ever get paid to write is another matter, but that is my goal.

Finally I want to say a big thank you for reading my writing, it means a lot to me xx

Life has felt like a lot lately, not in all in a bad way, but the overwhelm is lurking. I feel like, along with my husband, we are in holding pattern above a crossroads. We have reached the crossroads but aren’t in a position to take the next road because of our daughter is in the middle of her A levels. My husband left his job at the beginning of the year and we spend long walks talking about what we want, where we want to be. We know we want to move out of London, but not sure exactly where and then there is a big question of timing. Elderly parents and children, (even though two are adults now), all have to be factored in. Most of the time I just want to get out of my head, and I do this with gardening, and of course, books.

Because of the current state of my mind, I am currently finding gentle books about simple everyday stuff are resonating with me the most. I am currently two days into Anne Tyler’s Three Days in June, and really enjoying it, as I have with all Anne Tyler books I have read. If you aren’t familiar with her work, if you like Elizabeth Strout or Catherine Newman you will enjoy Anne Tyler. The book follows Gail Baines over three consecutive days, the middle of which is her only child’s wedding day. It is full of Anne Tyler’s brilliant observation on family life and relationships. It’s so beautifully authentic on how people interact during these life events, when observed without the rose coloured lenses we normally approach them these days, and all the feelings they bring up about our own relationships.. It catches all the detail of the highly cultural and orchestrated event and the expectations and judgements that come along with them. It’s a short book, only 165 pages, but all perfectly formed.

Another book set around a wedding, (although not at its core), that I read recently is Leonard and Hungry Paul by Rónán Hession. This is the current Jane & Fi Off Air Podcast bookclub pick. I had never heard about it, but found a copy in my local Bookshop. This is a book that deserves far more attention outside of Ireland, (where it was shortlisted for many awards). It is brilliant, and I am telling you to go and read it, I am going to seek out more of Rónán’s work. I read it over my week’s holiday in Scotland, it was a busy week full of hikes, sightseeing, swimming and food. I didn’t have a great deal of time for reading and generally only managed a chapter or two a day, but that was ok as it is a book to be savoured. I got spend a week in the company of Leonard and Hungry Paul, and that was such a pleasure. Two sensitive and gentle friends, men around thirty, on the edges of society, but with such insight and thoughtfulness that makes you take a step back and look at yourself, but then fills your heart.

Thank you for your Ann Patchett recommendations following my Tom Lake post, I found a copy of The Dutch House and went with that first, (don’t worry I am going to make my way through all the back catalogue!). The Dutch House, is about how a house shaped a family and their relationships, it spans decades, which I love. A grand unique house that some covet but others find intimidating. The two main characters (other than the house) are brother and sister, Danny and Maeve, who grow up in this imposing house with their distant father, a cook and housekeeper. This uneasy equilibrium is disturbed when their father meets and marries someone new. Ann Patchett is so good at writing the sense of place, this novel is so grounded in it, and her relationships are so nuanced and believable. For me this was a book I didn’t want to end, and leave behind the house, Danny and Maeve, and in some sense it hasn’t left me. As with Tom Lake, this book was drawn so vividly in my mind that I don’t think I will forget, (and believe me I do not generally remember plots of books, just whether I enjoyed them).

Frenchman’s Creek by Daphne Du Maurier was sent to me ahead of a reading retreat I am attending this weekend. I was so happy to receive this, as I enjoy Du Maurier books and I never need an excuse to head back to Cornwall even if only virtually. This is a classic and has been made into a film. It is billed as her big ‘Romance’ book, with the dashing French philosopher pirate but it is so much more. This for me is a story a woman breaking out of chains of her marriage, motherhood and the London ‘society’ she part of. Du Maurier draws a picture of Lady St Columb as a little outside the norm for a fashionable society wife, she is bored in London, but she appears to have a strong bond to her children and loves spending time with them. Whilst she is running away she takes her children with her and is freer to be the mother she wants to be. But she is also seeking something more, freedom, space to be herself and have her own adventures, and she gets this in spades and perhaps more than she bargained for with the relationship with the Frenchman. Reading this book has made me think about the author more and what of herself she brings to the books. I found this article which I found fascinating, so I am going to add Du Maurier’s biography and The King’s General to my tbr list.

Next is ‘I am an Island’ by Tamsin Calidas. One of the reasons I picked up this memoir was because of a planned holiday to the Scottish Highlands and the Isle of Skye, which I have not long returned from. I have become somewhat obsessed by this part of the world recently, (maybe fantasising about my own escape from London). The beauty of this part of the world and the connection to the sky and sea really appeals to me. This book smashes any romance about moving to a remote Scottish Isle, but still maintains the wonder and connection that the landscape brings. Tamsin and her husband move to take over an abandoned croft, not only is this a difficult way of life, it was made harder by the locals being very hostile to outsiders taking over a croft, (she does say later on that this hostility has changed in more recent times as Island communities have changed significantly). They also experience infertility and ultimately the breakdown of their relationship. So it is a difficult read at times, but deeply honest, difficult emotionally, and ultimately uplifting read.

The Homemade God by Rachel Joyce has been all over my Bookstagram feed in recent months and I was totally influenced to preorder a copy. I am pleased I did, as it is a really good family saga, based around a deeply flawed father who is a commercially successful artist. His influence and control over his children is pretty all encompassing since their mother died, and a seemingly close family fall apart when he meets and marries a much younger woman and then in quick succession dies. The family dynamics and relationships between the siblings is what this book is all about and is very beautifully written, with the gorgeous back drop of a Italian lake house. The perfect holiday read to lose your self in. Look out for it at the airport!

What’s next? My next book is Consider Yourself Kissed by Jessica Stanley, it is the Sam Baker’s The Shift Bookclub pick for May. I am going to listen to the audio book as I have lots of driving to do over the weekend and I need to get it read by Tuesday in time for the online bookclub meeting. I am very excited to be heading to the Welsh Coast for a Rest & Read Retreat with and , for a weekend of sharing books, sea swims and good company, I will report back. I am also reading a non fiction book called The Brain at Rest, Why Doing Nothing Can Change Your Life, by Dr Joseph Jebelli. I was lucky to get sent a proof copy and this book. As overwhelm and my perceived lack of productivity seem to be fairly constant in my life I am fascinated to read about the science that suggests resting your brain is key the key to flourishing.

Let me know what you are reading and why!

It’s probably quite unusual for a middle aged woman, but I enjoy watching and going to football matches (soccer for any US readers). A couple of weeks ago, I had a great Saturday afternoon out with my adult son, we went to Wembley to watch our football club Crystal Palace play in the FA Cup Semi Final, and they won! Our family has two season tickets for Crystal Palace Football Club, a team in the Premier League of English football which is local to us in London. They aren’t a fashionable team, we have never won any major trophies (yet!), but I grew up down the road and the club had always been a back drop to my life. I love Crystal Palace as a club, but I have a complicated relationship with the game as a whole, whilst there is so much that I love, equally there is a lot that I hate about the game of football.

Let’s start with the positive, what I love and why I go.

The primary reason I go to watch Crystal Palace play is that it is an activity that I share with my husband and son, and going to matches is precious one on one time that I get to spend with them. I get more conversation with my son at matches than I do at any other time. Walking to and from the stadium we talk about the team and the match coming up, but often it moves onto family things that are happening or chatting about his friends or work. We also laugh a lot, particularly if the team are doing well, there is so often something bizarre or silly going on at the stadium. Also if the Crystal Palace score I get a spontaneous hug, something I get far less of as he gets older! I never regret going, even if we lose,

My son loves football and he knows all the players in the Premier League and beyond, where they are from, who they have played for, and he has a head for statistics and numbers. I love mining his knowledge at games and asking about the players. Where we sit in Selhurst Park (our home ground) the players who are on the bench warm up in front of us, I have no idea who most of them are, but my son usually does. He humours my comments about the kit, or questions about exactly what happened on the pitch, because I was looking elsewhere. I think he enjoys my more positive, optimistic attitude to the game, rather than his Dad who is very competitive. I love it when we win, but I get over it quicker when we lose.

One of my favourite things about going to Selhurst Park is the sense of community. As you approach the stadium before the match, you start to see others in the colours of the team, you start to hear conversations about the match and you can just feel the energy rising, the tension and the hope. Crystal Palace are not a big club like Manchester United or Arsenal, we have never won the Premier League. We do have American owners but we haven’t had billions of pounds invested in the club. Which all means most supporters are local people or have family links to the area, which I think gives it a sense of being a large family in itself. I really felt this when my son and I went to Wembley. These big days don’t happen for our club all that often and the atmosphere in the Crystal Palace half was just pure joy and partying. People were sharing out balloons. We sang almost constantly, and this got louder and louder as we went in front and was just deafening by the time the final whistle went and we had won 3-0. It was a great day and one I will never forget, it took a while to recover from the sore throat from singing and cheering.

What was particularly gratifying on this occasion was after the match as we were making out way down Wembley Way to the tube station, both sets of fans were mingling and chatting. Aston Villa fans could be heard congratulating the Palace fans, and wishing us luck in the final. Police were around but very low key. However this isn’t always the case, in 2022 when we played Chelsea in the same fixture the two sets of fans were separated by two lines of police, and there wasn’t the same sense of celebration of the game, it was tense and I felt grateful to the police for their presence. So I am not naive to the many negative aspects of the game. There is so much about football as a sport that I really struggle with.

Firstly I get very uncomfortable with how stressed or wound up supporters, in particular male supporters, get when the team aren’t doing well in a match. Don’t get me wrong I feel tense and disappointed but its like it is more personal for them, and creates this physical tension. I am much more philosophical and I don’t feel it so personally it would seem, but is that because I am female? There is definitely something in our culture that these associations with sport and particular teams that seem embedded in male identity and some men cannot process this tension and stress, leading to violence. This is born out by research by the National Centre for Domestic Violence that found domestic abuse incidents increase by 26% when our national team plays, 38% if they lose, and 11% the day after, regardless of the outcome. From attending matches at Selhurst Park and seeing initiatives the club are taking part in I know that there are efforts to try and combat this, which is obviously positive but doesn’t feel enough.

Leading on from this is the negative tribalism I witness at these matches. It seems for many that supporting one team means you have to hate anyone who supports any other team, and hurl unpleasant abuse at them. Why? In so many ways you are the same, you enjoy football, you love your team, the only differences being the team you support and probably what part of the country (the same country) you are from. When your team scores celebrate, by all means but why do you need to abuse the other supporters who are feeling rubbish anyway, a feeling surely you can relate to??

The match I least enjoy in any season is when Crystal Palace play Brighton, the ‘M23 Derby’ a slightly bizarre rivalry that has its roots in events that happened decades ago. I don’t enjoy it because the atmosphere has a real edge of violence about it. On the way to the match there are way more police and police horses. I find it intimidating and it just doesn’t need to be this way. Friendly rivalry yes, violent abuse and hatred NO! At Palace we have a half time tradition of a short penalty shootout against the Palace mascot between young supporters of both the teams playing. Even at this away supporters have been known to boo the Palace kids and they have to be reminded that they are kids usually under 10 maybe as young as 6/7, I mean what is that about!

The behaviour of players at matches can also be really disappointing. Obviously anyone who watches football knows about the diving, arguing with the referee, but this bothers me less (and don’t get me wrong I really dislike this aspect of the game) than some of the behaviour towards fans. As an example recently an opposition goal keeper was practising at half time in the goal that they use for the half time penalty kick off. Not a problem in itself, however he completely ignored polite attempts to ask him to move, he completely blanked the person asking and carried on. So the organiser moved it down the other end of the pitch, which is no a big deal in itself but it did mean the kids from the opposition club couldn’t celebrate in front of their own supporters, (which is why they hold it down that end). So the keeper was booed as he finished and walked towards the bench, and what did he do? He spat at the supporters in the stand, I still can’t get over this, it was awful.

Other ways the player disrespect the fans is through lack of engagement. At the end of the season last year many fans stayed behind for some celebrations, (we had had a great run of wins to finish the season) and had been promised that the players would do a lap of the pitch to say thank you. However when they did come back out many of the players just walked around the pitch chatting completely ignoring the fans, who were cheering and asking for autographs and pictures (not all players but definitely a majority). I don’t mind for me, but for the young supporters who were at the front it must have been so disappointing and they had been waiting for at least an hour at this point in the hope of an autograph or picture.

This leads me to another one of my problems with football, the money involved. These players are paid ridiculous salaries and yet they couldn’t take the time to thank the fans who have cheered them all season and without their support they wouldn’t get paid to do what they do. I know it is a job, but they are so privileged, and more should be done by the clubs to get them to engage with the fans at games. I know they get abuse online and even at matches from opposition fans but The money involved in this game, especially in the Premier League, is eye watering and I don’t think anywhere enough is being done to support grass root football, or promote the women’s game. I have lots to say about women in football but really that’s a whole other piece, all I will say is I hope the rise of Women’s football brings about some culture changes in the sport and shows that there is another way to be a loyal supporter that is based in a shared love of the game.

I am unable to go to the FA Cup Final against Manchester City later this month, but I hope Crystal Palace can win our first major trophy and will be cheering them on from my holiday in Scotland. I hope it is a fun day for all the fans whether from South London or Manchester. I hope it is a celebration of the good parts of the game of football. I also hope one day I can go and see Crystal Palace women playing at Wembley!

It’s been a little while, and I have missed my Substack tribe. My last post was nearly a month ago, just after my Dad had died, and when it hadn’t really sunk in. Since then I have had many moments of ‘what’s the point of writing', the grief knocked my confidence and my enthusiasm for getting to the page, whether writing or journalling. Both require you to sit with yourself and be in your head, and I didn’t really want to be there. I was with my Dad when he died, and I am so glad I was, but those hours are haunting me a bit at the moment. It wasn’t a calm and peaceful death, and I just hope that someday soon those hours will recede and I can remember the happier times.

However with Easter now behind us and having had some proper down time in Cornwall with my husband and friends, I felt the need to get back into some normality, routine, and maybe try and get some of my feelings down on paper in my journal. So this week I decided to rejoin Suzy Walker’s writing hours and all the lovely women that meet there. I didn’t have a plan of what I wanted to achieve in that hour but I knew that being there would help me. So I headed to my favourite cafe and got out the computer, and after reviewing where I was with my writing and my book reviews, I started this post.

So this is really just about getting back in the writing saddle, despite the doubts, the anxiety and the sadness. It is about getting back to something that I love, and just doing it, not worrying too much about what it is, or how good it is. It is about getting back to the connections on here that mean so much to me, all you lovely lot who like, share, comment on my writing. Those connections, like the writing group encourage me more than anything else to continue writing and to continue dreaming of publishing a book.

Whilst I haven’t been writing I have been reading (of course!), listening to podcasts and a bit of telly too. These things help me to get out of my own head and into someone else’s for a while. So thought I would start back by sharing that here with you, and please let me know your recommendations of what to head to or even avoid!

What I have been reading lately:

My biggest recommendation from my recent reading is ‘The Eights’ by Joanna Miller. A debut historical fiction novel set in 1920, about the first women to officially be enrolled to Oxford University to study for AND be awarded a degree. Women had studied there for some years before but hadn’t be awarded any degree for their efforts. The book follows four young women from different backgrounds as they navigate their first year and the strict rules, male dominated culture and prejudice. It also beautifully deals with the implications of the WW1 on this post war society. This is a book about the power of friendship, I loved the characters and hope there is a sequel soon as I want to know what happens to these women as they continue with their studies.

Second Nature: The Story of a Naturalists Garden by Susie White. This non fiction memoir was a Mother’s day present from my daughter, and the perfect choice for me. Susie writes so beautifully and evocatively about the creation of her garden in Northumberland after having to leave behind a public garden that she created and looked after for 23 years. It is about creating a garden from scratch that reflects the surrounding landscape and supports the wildlife in it, as well as the human inhabitants of the house! As well as descriptions which conjured vivid pictures in my head, it is also full of practical advice for a gardener, and I know I will pick this up again.

The Creek by LJ Ross, a cosy crime novel set in my favourite place, Cornwall. This is the second novel in the author’s Summer Suspense series, which are individual stories in the own right, linked by being suspense mysteries set in Cornwall. Some characters do overlap books (ie reappear in a minor role) but I haven’t read in order and it hasn’t affected my enjoyment of them. As well as crime they also all have a sprinkling of romance. They look like chunky books but the font and spacing is generous, they are quick, easy and very enjoyable reads. This was the perfect book to devour in 24 hours whilst in the place they are set.

What I have been listening to:

James Blunt’s ‘Monsters’, such a beautiful moving song about his father’s illness. We were in the car on the way home from Cornwall when this came on and I had a really good cry (I wasn’t driving), it captures so much of how I felt about my Dad’s last moments, and there is so much power for me in that feeling of being understood.

I have found myself reverting to my old podcast favourites of Off Air with Jane & Fi and Parenting Hell with Rob Beckett and Josh Widdecombe. I find both podcasts comforting as in different ways they feel like a cuppa with friends, they make me giggle, but also I nearly always learn something interesting.

Also I have discovered ‘Stompcast’ with Dr Alex George, where he interviews people whilst going for a walk, a format that seems to be becoming more popular. I listened to his two part interview with Patrick Grant, of Sewing Bee fame. I read Patrick’s book ‘Less’ last year about how consumerism is eroding our happiness and our society. Focussing mainly on the fashion industry he looks at the history of the industry and makes an argument for how having fewer, better things would lead to greater happiness and a more meaningful work for people. The book had a profound effect on me, but if this kind of non-fiction is not your bag, I would definitely recommend the podcast.

What I have been watching:

The Residence on Netflix. This show is an American mystery comedy drama, set in The White House. A murder has been perpetrated during a State Dinner for Australia, and a detective called Cordelia Cupp (above) has been brought in by the Police to help solve the crime. My family and I found this great fun, and if you are a lover of the ‘Knives Out’ mysteries with Daniel Craig you will enjoy this too. Eight episodes, of varying lengths, it has fabulous characters, and also has Kylie Minogue playing herself. The writing is fast paced and quirky and keeps you guessing until the end.

Paradise on Disney+. An American political thriller, about the murder of an American President in an underground bunker following an ‘end of world’ event. It follows a secret service agent Xavier Collins, one of the President’s security detail, as he tries to find out the truth about what happened. I would recommend this show, but with the caveat that you need to stick with the first couple of episodes, it gets better, and there was one episode that was just brilliant and worth watching the whole show for. We found ourselves shouting at the screen in frustration near the end, but that shows how invested we were in the plot. Like many American shows it doesn’t really come to a satisfying conclusion as it is setting you up for the next season, but I will be watching.

The Meg with Jason Statham, I know, I know. I can’t really recommend as it is rubbish. However that said if you are wanting to watch something with the people you love and you like a bit of action and laughing at how bad the plot and dialogue is, (which in my family we love doing), then it is a good evenings entertainment and family bonding time.

Finally last night I went to see Penguin Lessons with Steve Coogan at the cinema. What a lovely, heart warming film, it is funny and sad, and the cast are all great. It is based on the 2015 memoir of the same name by Tom Michell. Tom goes to teach English at a boy’s boarding school in Argentina, he is disillusioned and unhappy. After rescuing a penguin trapped in oil following a spill, he brings it back to the school and his life begins to change. I went with my husband and daughters and we all loved it, and most of us had a good cry. Of course I now want to read the book!

So that’s what I have been up to, in amongst my garden and death admin. Let me know what you have been entertaining your self with!

Today is the publication day for Breaking Waves by . Huge congratulations to Emma, it is beautiful memoir about grief and the healing power of swimming in open water. It celebrates wonderful women and the communities they create.

Emma is part of an online writing group I am a member of, hosted here on Substack by . I was lucky to meet Emma in person at the Alnwick Story Fest and buy an advance copy of her book, as well as get it signed in person.

Emma has been through so much, grief, traumatic birth, and chronic illness, but she writes with such warmth, hopefulness and humour, that has you crying and laughing all in the same chapter. I defy you to not want to head to your nearest open water to experience it’s healing power and maybe swim with brilliant women who will hold you in their collective embrace.

Emma’s words, in sharing her story so beautifully, has really touched me and was also comforting in the weeks leading up to my Dad’s death at the beginning of this week. It inspired me to embrace the cold sea of the Cornish coast after hospital visits that left me, sad and weighed down with the heavy stuffy atmosphere of the hospital ward clinging to my skin. Floating in the still waters in a small cove, looking up to my precious sky, felt so soothing and cleansing and gave me the energy to go forward. Thank you Emma x