The two-hour limit is getting most of the attention. But after looking at the proposed settlement and the information released by the state attorneys general, I don’t even think the two hour limit is the most interesting part.

What interests me is the possibility of shifting some responsibility away from children and parents and placing more of it on the companies designing these platforms.

As someone who works so much with executive functioning and developing brains, I think that distinction is super important.

Before getting into the details, there is a critical clarification. As of this writing, the settlement has been announced and filed, but the official state Attorney General sources still describe it as subject to court approval. These are requirements Meta has agreed to as part of the settlement, but parents should not interpret headlines to mean every restriction described below is already active on every child’s Instagram account.

What Was the Lawsuit Against Meta About?

In 2023, a bipartisan coalition of state attorneys general sued Meta, the parent company of Instagram and Facebook. The lawsuit alleged that Meta designed features that encouraged children and teenagers to spend excessive amounts of time on its platforms while publicly downplaying or misrepresenting some of the risks those platforms presented to young users.

The allegations went considerably further than simply claiming that teenagers spend too much time online. The states challenged aspects of the design of the platforms themselves and alleged that Meta used features intended to maximize engagement while knowing that children and adolescents could be particularly vulnerable to them.

The lawsuit also alleged that Meta knew children under 13 were using its platforms and improperly collected data from some of those children. The publicly released complaint contains extensive allegations based on internal Meta research and communications regarding children, teenagers and engagement.

Meta has denied wrongdoing, and a settlement is not the same thing as a trial verdict establishing that every allegation was proven.

Still, the resulting agreement is significant.

The proposed settlement provides for at least approximately $12 billion in payments to participating states, with the total potentially reaching roughly $17.1 billion depending partly on what happens with other major social media companies. More importantly for families, Meta has agreed to substantial changes to the way Instagram and Facebook operate for users under 18.

A Two Hour Daily Limit for Teens

Under the proposed agreement, users identified as under 18 would have a default limit of two hours of covered use per day across Facebook and Instagram.

This is not two hours on Instagram followed by another two hours on Facebook. The time is generally cumulative across Meta’s covered social media platforms.

Once a teenager reaches the limit, access to covered features would be restricted unless a parent approves a less restrictive setting.

There are exceptions. Messaging is one of them. So I would be careful with believing headlines claiming that teenagers will simply be “locked out of Instagram after two hours.” The actual agreement is more nuanced than that.

Meta would also introduce stopping points before the two hour mark. Teens would receive interventions after 60 and 90 minutes of cumulative daily use, along with reminders after periods of continuous use lasting longer than 15 minutes.

I actually find these stopping points particularly interesting from an executive function perspective. One of the problems with endless feeds is precisely that there is no natural indication that an activity is finished. Removing stopping cues makes time awareness and disengagement considerably more difficult. Putting some of those stopping cues back into the environment makes sense.

Overnight Access Would Become More Restricted

Under the initial requirements, users under 18 would have a default nighttime restriction between midnight and 6 a.m. Parents could approve less restrictive settings, but teenagers would not simply be able to remove the restriction themselves.

Push notifications would also be restricted between 10 p.m. and 7 a.m.

I would love to see stronger nighttime restrictions eventually, particularly for younger teenagers, but I still think this is meaningful.

We talk constantly about teenagers needing to make better choices about sleep while allowing a device containing an endless stream of stimulating content, social interaction and notifications to sit twelve inches from their pillow.

That is an enormous self regulation demand.

Parents should absolutely create stronger nighttime boundaries when their individual child needs them. Meta restricting access overnight does not replace the need for parents to establish household technology expectations.

It does, however, create another layer of protection.

Social Media Would Become Quieter During School

Meta would also restrict most push notifications during defined school hours. The settlement identifies those hours as 8 a.m. to 3 p.m., Monday through Friday, during most of the traditional school year.

Again, I think the significance is less about the exact hours and more about changing the default environment.

Every notification creates another opportunity for attention to be redirected.

For a student already struggling with inhibition, sustained attention, working memory or task persistence, the phone sitting beside an assignment is not a neutral object. Each alert creates another decision.

Do I check it? Who sent it? What happened? I’ll just look for a second.

And now the student has to disengage from whatever captured their attention and reconstruct what they were doing before the interruption.

Reducing unnecessary interruptions reduces unnecessary executive functioning demands.

What About Likes, Filters and Algorithmic Feeds?

The settlement addresses more than just ‘time on apps’.

Users under 18 would no longer see numerical like and reaction counts by default. Meta would also restrict certain cosmetic procedure filters for minors.

I think the restriction on visible likes deserves some attention. Removing like counts certainly does not eliminate social comparison, but it removes one very obvious public scoreboard attached to adolescent social interaction.

There is another provision that I think may ultimately prove even more important.

Teen users would have access to a non-personalized feed rather than being required to rely entirely on algorithmic recommendations designed around their individual engagement patterns. Parents using Meta’s supervision features could also require that type of feed for their child.

Recommendation algorithms are extraordinarily effective because they learn what captures a particular person’s attention and continually serve more of it.

From an executive functioning standpoint, turning down some of that personalization potentially reduces one mechanism that makes disengagement so difficult.

But Kids Lie About Their Birthdays

This was one of my first questions when I began reading about the settlement.

What prevents a 14-year-old from creating an account and saying they are 22?

Because if every protection depends upon a teenager honestly entering a birthdate, we haven’t accomplished very much.

The settlement specifically addresses this through stronger age assurance requirements.

Instead of relying exclusively on the birthdate someone enters when creating an account, Meta would be required to develop and use additional methods for identifying users who are likely to be minors.

The agreement includes requirements around age assurance technologies and independent testing. The goal is to identify users under 18 and to identify children under 13 who should not be using the standard platforms in the first place.

That does not mean every teenager will suddenly be required to upload a driver’s license or submit to a facial scan. Age assurance can involve different technologies and signals.

The important shift is that Meta cannot simply ask a child how old they are and treat that answer as the end of its responsibility.

What If a Teen Creates Another Account?

This is another obvious workaround.

A teenager reaches the limit on one account, creates another Instagram account and continues scrolling.

The settlement anticipates attempts to circumvent protections and requires Meta to develop systems intended to identify accounts that likely belong to the same person.

No system will be perfect. Teenagers are resourceful, and any parent who has ever established a technology rule knows that children can become surprisingly innovative when motivated to find a workaround.

The important difference is responsibility. Instead of Meta being able to say, “The user told us they were an adult” or “They created another account,” the company is being required to take reasonable steps to identify minors and prevent circumvention.

That is a much more meaningful standard.

Parents Would Have More Oversight

The proposed settlement also expands parental supervision.

Parents using Meta’s supervision tools would have more ability to manage restrictions and receive information about their child’s use. The agreement also addresses protections surrounding potentially harmful content and suspicious interactions.

Meta would be required to maintain and improve existing teen safety measures, including protections designed to reduce exposure to age-inappropriate content and inappropriate contact.

Please understand: These tools do not replace active parenting.

A parental dashboard cannot tell you whether your child is becoming emotionally dependent on social validation. It cannot determine whether Instagram is interfering with your child’s sleep, friendships, schoolwork or emotional regulation. It cannot decide whether your 15 year old is developmentally ready for social media at all.

Those remain parenting decisions.

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Who Makes Sure Meta Actually Does This?

This is one of the provisions I find most encouraging.

Meta would not simply be responsible for announcing that its new protections are working.

The agreement provides for an independent auditor with access to information necessary to evaluate Meta’s compliance. The auditor would report on implementation and could communicate concerns to the participating attorneys general.

There is an enormous difference between a technology company voluntarily introducing a “digital wellness” feature and a company operating under an enforceable agreement with outside oversight.

The real test will be what happens after implementation. Do teenagers actually spend less time scrolling? How accurately does age assurance identify minors? How easily can restrictions be circumvented? How frequently do parents override them? Do non-personalized feeds change usage? Do the stopping points at 60 and 90 minutes actually cause teenagers to disengage?

Those are the questions I currently have and will be diligently watching.

Parents, You Do Not Need to Wait for Meta

I want to be very clear with parents here because I have conversations about phone use almost every week in my parent coaching and training calls. Parents come to me frustrated because their child becomes dysregulated when screen time ends, cannot accept “time is up,” is sneaking the phone, losing sleep, avoiding responsibilities or constantly fighting over limits. And one of the hardest things I sometimes have to say is this: we gave them access to the phone, so we also have to be willing to do the work that comes with managing that access. Once the problems are established, pulling things back can be incredibly difficult. In many cases, it is much harder than saying from the beginning, “I love you. I know you want this, but I also know what comes with it, and I don’t think you’re ready for a smartphone yet.” Delaying access is not always easy, especially when “everyone else has one,” but undoing unlimited access is often much harder.

You can already do many of these things. And I believe parents should be doing them when their child needs that level of support.

Parents do not need Meta’s permission to establish nighttime downtime, limit social media, prevent new app downloads, restrict inappropriate content, establish NO phones in bedrooms as a household rule, disable notifications or decide that a child is not developmentally ready for a particular platform.

Apple, for example, already gives parents substantial control over children’s devices through Screen Time.

According to Apple’s current documentation, parents can use Screen Time to establish Downtime, set limits for individual apps or entire categories such as social networking, manage communication, restrict content, control purchases and downloads and prevent children from changing certain privacy settings.

When Family Sharing is configured, parents can manage many of these controls directly from their own Apple device.

This is worth learning.

I frequently hear parents say that their child “won’t get off the phone,” while the child still has essentially unrestricted technological access. If a child consistently demonstrates that they cannot independently manage that access, I don’t think the solution is another 45 minute conversation about making better choices. Sometimes the environment needs to change. This IS a sign that their brains cannot handle the stimulation these devices offer.

The two hour Meta limit should also not become a recommendation.

If Meta establishes two hours as a default maximum, that does not mean every 13, 14 or 16 year old should automatically receive two hours of social media every day.

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Look at the child in front of you and PLEASE ask yourself these important questions.

Can they transition away from social media?

Does the phrase “time is up” turn into a 30-minute negotiation or argument?

Does phone access interfere with homework?

Is it affecting sleep? Do they wake up on their own for school?

Do they repeatedly abandon responsibilities to check the device?

Does their mood noticeably change after extended use?

Those observations should matter more to your family’s boundaries than whatever maximum Meta establishes.

One Apple Tool I Wish More Parents Knew About: Guided Access

There is another Apple feature that I think is particularly useful for families dealing with executive functioning challenges.

It is called Guided Access.

Apple describes Guided Access as a feature that can temporarily restrict an iPhone or iPad to a single app. Parents can also set a time limit and control which hardware buttons, device functions or even areas of the screen remain available during the session.

In other words, if your child legitimately needs an iPad to complete an assignment in one particular app, the device does not necessarily need to provide access to everything else at the same time.

This can be incredibly helpful for students who need technology academically but do not yet have the inhibition necessary to manage all of the competing options sitting one swipe away.

Think about what we sometimes ask a student to do.

A child opens an iPad to work on an assignment. At the same time, Messages is available. YouTube is available. Games are available. Safari is available. Social media may be available.

Then we say:

“Just focus on your assignment.”

We have turned one academic task into an enormous inhibition task.

The student now has to complete the assignment while repeatedly resisting every more immediately rewarding option available on the same device.

Guided Access gives parents another strategy.

Open the app the child actually needs. Start Guided Access. During that period, the device essentially has one job.

That is environmental scaffolding.

It is not fundamentally different from giving a student a quiet place to work, removing the television from the room or putting distracting materials away before beginning homework.

We are reducing competing demands so the student has a better opportunity to practice the skill we actually want them to develop.

Apple provides instructions for Guided Access directly through Apple Support. Parents can enable it under Accessibility settings, establish a separate passcode, set time limits and determine which device functions remain available during the session.

Screen Time and Guided Access Do Different Jobs

I think parents should become comfortable with both tools because they solve different problems.

Screen Time creates the larger boundaries around a child’s device. A family might use it to establish overnight Downtime, limit Instagram to a certain amount of time each day, prevent unauthorized downloads and restrict inappropriate content.

Guided Access is much more situational. It can essentially say, “Right now, this device has one job.”

A child might have broader access to an iPad during appropriate free time but use Guided Access when the same device is needed for homework.

Neither strategy needs to be punitive.

The goal is to match access to demonstrated readiness.

As children become better able to manage attention, time, transitions and technology independently, parents can gradually loosen the structure.

That is how independence develops. We provide external structure while internal skills are developing. Then we gradually transfer responsibility as the child demonstrates that they can handle it.

Why This Matters From an Executive Functioning Perspective

This is ultimately why I find this settlement interesting.

Executive functioning includes skills such as inhibition, self monitoring, working memory, emotional regulation, time awareness, task initiation and the ability to act in service of a future goal rather than an immediate reward.

Those skills are still developing throughout childhood and adolescence.

Now think about what many social media platforms ask of those developing systems. These are just what I observed in my own home and with students (I am sure there are many more) and by the way - these ALL require strong executive function skills:

Ignore the notification.

Stop watching even though another video immediately appears.

Recognize that forty minutes have passed.

Walk away from unpredictable social reinforcement.

Ignore the personalized recommendation specifically selected because an algorithm has learned that it captures your attention.

Choose homework over immediate stimulation.

Put the phone down even though your entire peer group may still be online.

Then we look at a 13 year old and say, “You need better self control.”

Of course we need to teach self control.

I teach these skills every day, but executive functioning support has never meant relying exclusively on willpower.

We teach the skill and modify the environment so the developing skill has a reasonable chance of succeeding.

We create external stopping points. We reduce unnecessary distractions. We establish routines. We provide visual cues. We remove competing demands. We gradually fade those supports as internal regulation develops.

Technology should not somehow be exempt from the same developmental principles.

So, Am I Optimistic?

Cautiously.

This settlement does not solve social media. It does not eliminate the need for parents to establish boundaries nor does it mean two hours of Instagram is healthy for teenagers. It does not guarantee that age assurance technology will accurately identify every child and it certainly does not mean teenagers will stop looking for loopholes.

But I think something important is happening.

For years, we have placed an extraordinary amount of responsibility on developing brains and exhausted parents while the companies creating highly engaging digital environments largely controlled the architecture and got richer than ever promoting this.

This settlement begins shifting some of that responsibility.

Parents should build some much stronger awareness around this issue and they should also provide developmentally appropriate structure. Parents should also read the research and follow the evidence-based data coming out about the dangers of tech on developing brains.

Of course platforms should create safer environments and safer defaults.

Children should be given opportunities to practice managing technology within boundaries that reflect their actual level of readiness.

Those three things can all exist together.

Parents provide the structure. Platforms have a responsibility to make the environment safer. Kids practice the skills.

That feels like a much more reasonable place to begin, in my opinion.

And while I am not ready to call this a victory, I am absolutely paying attention to what happens next.

If this is also a topic of interest for you, please leave me a comment and let me know.

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Primary Sources and Further Reading

For parents who want to verify the information themselves, I strongly encourage going to the primary sources rather than relying solely on social media summaries.

California Attorney General, August 26, 2026: Official government summary of the proposed Meta settlement, including the two hour limit, nighttime restrictions, notification restrictions, age assurance requirements and independent auditing.

New York Attorney General, August 26, 2026: Detailed government explanation of the financial settlement and changes Meta has agreed to make to Facebook and Instagram for users under 18.

California et al. v. Meta Platforms, Inc.: The actual settlement agreement and court documents are available through the New York Attorney General’s Settlements & Agreements library.

California Attorney General: The publicly released federal complaint against Meta provides the underlying allegations and portions of the internal Meta evidence referenced by the states.

Apple Support: Apple’s official parental control documentation explains Screen Time, Family Sharing, App Limits, Downtime, content restrictions, communication controls and restrictions on purchases and downloads.

Apple Support: Apple’s official Guided Access documentation explains how to temporarily restrict an iPhone to one app, establish a time limit and disable particular device functions or areas of the screen.

Thank you for being part of this community and for choosing to learn alongside me. One of the things I want most for this space is for it to be shaped by the questions, challenges, and conversations that are actually happening in your homes and with your kids. So much of what I write and create comes directly from the things parents tell me they are struggling to understand or navigate.

If there is a topic you’d like me to dig into next, leave me a comment below. Tell me what you’re seeing at home, what you’re trying to figure out, what keeps coming up at school, or what you wish someone would explain in a more practical way. Your questions help me decide what to research, write about, and turn into future resources.

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I want it to be a community where we learn from one another, ask better questions, and keep figuring out how to support our kids while helping them become increasingly capable humans.

I’m really glad you’re here.

With tons of gratitude,

Nicole Rouleau

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Screens Don't Raise Kids, You Do

Parents are the Most Important Visual Their Child Has

So rather than create another webinar or presentation, we decided to simply open up a conversation.

Tonight, Wednesday, September 2 at 7:00 PM ET, we’re hosting a free, live Zoom discussion where you can bring your questions and talk with us directly.

We’ll be talking about questions we hear all the time:

Why does my child know exactly what they need to do, but still not do it?

How do I build independence without constantly reminding and managing?

What if my teen doesn’t think they need help?

How do regulation, motivation, self awareness, working memory, and follow through all connect?

And why are executive function challenges about so much more than organization and time management?

I’ll also be joined by Amy, one of our IYM coaches who specializes in working with parents and families. She’ll be able to speak to what happens when executive function challenges start affecting the entire household, and how parent or family coaching can sometimes be an important part of the solution.

This is not meant to be a formal presentation. We want to hear from you, answer your questions, and give parents a place to learn from one another’s questions too.

Wednesday, September 2
7:00 PM ET
Live on Zoom
Free to attend

We are intentionally keeping the group small so this can remain an actual conversation. If we have more interest than we can accommodate tonight, we’ll add another date.

Paid subscribers can access the private Zoom information below.

If you are a free subscriber, please email me (nicole@ignitingyourmind.com) before 6:45 pm EDT tonight and ask for the link.

I am happy to privately share it with you to join!

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Accommodations should support your child today while helping them build the skills they’ll need tomorrow.

(My newest Executive Function Guide is now included with your paid subscription.)

If your child has an IEP, 504 Plan, Learning Plan, or psychoeducational evaluation, you’ve probably spent a lot of time thinking about accommodations. Extended time, teacher check ins, frequent prompting, chunked assignments, organizational support, movement breaks, and reduced distraction testing are all supports we see regularly. When we’re advocating for our kids, it makes complete sense that our attention goes immediately to the question, What support does my child need?

But after years of reading evaluations and helping families navigate school supports, I’ve become convinced that we need to ask another question right alongside it: What is my child learning while this support is in place? That question is the reason I created my newest digital guide, From Accommodation to Independence: An Executive Function Guide for Parents, Educators & Evaluators. If you’re a paid subscriber here, the guide is included as part of your subscription.

Before the School Year Gets Moving...

This is actually one of the best times to pull out your child’s IEP, 504 Plan, Learning Plan, or evaluation and read through the accommodations again. I don’t want parents questioning whether their child deserves those supports. Quite the opposite. I want us to get better at making accommodations truly individualized. A diagnosis tells us something important about a child, but it doesn’t tell us exactly what that child can currently do independently or how much scaffolding they need to be successful.

Two students with ADHD might both have “extended time” written into their plans, yet that accommodation may need to look very different for each of them. One student may need the teacher to automatically provide the additional time because they aren’t yet able to recognize when they’ll need it. Another may be developing that awareness but still need a teacher to prompt them to consider whether an extension would be helpful. An older student may already recognize that they need more time and be completely capable of emailing a teacher to request it. Same diagnosis and same accommodation, but very different students requiring very different implementation. That’s the conversation I want more parents, evaluators, and school teams having.

Look Beneath the Accommodation

When I read evaluations, I’m increasingly interested in the executive function demand underneath the recommendation. If the accommodation says, “Teacher will provide frequent reminders,” I want to know what we’re doing to develop self-monitoring. If the teacher will break large assignments into smaller parts, I want to know when we’re going to begin teaching the student how to look at a large assignment and identify those parts themselves. If a student may take breaks as needed, I want to know whether that student can recognize when they’re becoming dysregulated, identify what might help, communicate that need, and eventually return to the task.

Even a recommendation such as “provide organizational support” deserves a closer look. What does organizational support actually mean for this particular child? Who is organizing, remembering, checking, and deciding what needs to happen next?

Most importantly, who is doing the thinking? Those details matter because an accommodation can provide excellent support while still missing an opportunity to teach the executive function skill underneath it.

Prompting Isn’t the Same as Teaching

This is something I’ve written about before, and it’s really where this entire guide began. An adult prompt can absolutely help a child complete today’s task, and sometimes that prompt is exactly what the child needs at their current developmental level. The problem comes when prompting becomes the permanent strategy. If an adult always remembers the deadline, notices the missing assignment, identifies the next step, initiates the conversation, and tells the student what to do, the adult is carrying much of the executive function demand. The student may become very good at responding, but responding isn’t the same as initiating.

That’s why we have to think about scaffolding. Maybe initially the teacher checks in and walks the student through what they need to notice. Later, the teacher might point the student toward a visual cue rather than supplying the answer. Eventually, the student may complete their own check and begin initiating the conversation when support is needed. There isn’t a magic age when that transition should happen, and there shouldn’t be. We meet the child at their current point of performance and build from there.

This Doesn’t Mean Every Accommodation Should Go Away

This distinction is incredibly important because some accommodations provide access and may continue to be appropriate throughout a person’s life. A student may genuinely perform better in a reduced distraction environment. A dyslexic student may continue using audiobooks or assistive technology. Another student may continue needing extended testing time. None of that represents a failure to become independent.

Adults accommodate themselves constantly. We use calendars, reminders, GPS, technology, quiet workspaces, written instructions, timers, headphones, and countless other external supports. Independence does not mean functioning without support. It means increasingly understanding yourself well enough to know what you need, why you need it, how to use it, and how to advocate for it.

This Work Doesn’t Only Belong to the School

This might be one of the most important pieces for parents. We cannot expect school to build every executive function skill our children need. There are skills teachers are uniquely positioned to teach within the classroom. Test taking strategies, navigating classroom expectations, managing academic materials, using school systems, and practicing accommodations at the actual point of performance absolutely belong there. But home gives us an incredible practice ground too.

Managing time before leaving the house, packing a sports bag, remembering what needs to come back to school, planning homework, writing an email to a teacher, managing frustration, recognizing when your body needs a break, making a plan for a weekend project, recovering when you forget something, and doing something you don’t particularly feel like doing are all opportunities to practice executive functioning in real life. These aren’t simply the annoying parts of parenting. They’re executive function practice.

Teaching this way does take more time. It is often significantly faster to remind them, pack the bag ourselves, email the teacher, tell them what to do next, or simply fix the problem. I understand why we do it. Sometimes we need to. But efficiency today cannot always be the goal when we’re trying to develop capability for tomorrow.

Continue reading below to see what’s inside or download the full guide here. If you’re a paid subscriber, it’s included with your subscription at no additional cost.

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Paul E. Peterson, a Harvard professor and education policy researcher, recently raised concerns about significant changes in scores on some of the most popular Advanced Placement exams.

According to Peterson, since changes were made to the scoring process for nine frequently taken AP exams, the percentage of students earning the highest score of 5 has increased dramatically. Passing rates have risen substantially too.

The College Board disputes the idea that AP exams have been “dumbed down.” They point out that the exams themselves have not become easier and say the newer scoring process better reflects the expectations of college faculty.

That’s an important distinction.

But here’s the part I can’t stop thinking about:

Sometimes the data improves because students are improving and sometimes the data improves because we changed what counts as success.

Parents, if you have a student in an AP class, you need to understand the difference.

Read the article I am referring to here

When the numbers look good

We have become incredibly focused on outcomes we can see in so many areas of life.

The A, the 4.0 GPA, the AP score, the acceptance letter, the honor roll certificate, the completed assignment sitting in the online portal.

But as an executive function specialist, I am often much more interested in what happened before that outcome.

How much prompting did it take? Who remembered the deadline? Who broke the assignment into steps? Who emailed the teacher? Who checked the portal? Who found the missing worksheet? Who reminded the student to study? Who managed the emotional reaction when the work became difficult? Who made sure it actually got submitted?

Because two kids can earn the exact same grade while demonstrating completely different levels of independence.

And that matters, a lot.

We may be measuring performance without measuring readiness

This is why the AP conversation interests me.

The bigger question isn’t whether a 5 on an AP exam is “good” or whether today’s students somehow deserve their scores less than students from five years ago. That’s not really the point. The question, instead, is whether the measurements we’re using still tell us what we think they tell us.

And I think parents should be asking the same question about grades.

Your child can have excellent grades and still struggle tremendously with executive function.

I’ve worked with plenty of incredibly bright students who look fantastic on paper. Then you look underneath the grades. Mom is checking the portal every night. Dad is reminding them about every test. Teachers are accepting assignments weeks late. There are unlimited opportunities to redo work. The student is getting repeated extensions. Someone else is managing the calendar, communicating with teachers, organizing materials and constantly prompting the next step.

The grade says A.

But the student’s independent functioning may be telling us something very different.

This tells me that we have to be careful about confusing a supported outcome with independent mastery.

Support and standards can exist together

This is where I think we’ve created a false choice in parenting and education.

We act as though expecting kids to struggle means we aren’t being compassionate. Or that holding a standard means we don’t understand ADHD, anxiety, learning differences or executive function challenges.

I reject that completely and if you’ve seen any of my videos or posts on my social accounts, you will know I am very passionate about this.

Kids absolutely need support. Some need significantly more support than others. Accommodations can be incredibly important. Scaffolding can be incredibly important. Coaching, therapy, tutoring, medication and educational intervention can all have an appropriate place.

But the goal of support should always be growth.

We should constantly be asking:

What skill are we helping this child develop?

And eventually:

What can we begin handing back?

Because if the support remains forever while the skill never develops, we’ve solved today’s problem without preparing the child for tomorrow’s.

Struggle isn’t automatically a sign that something has gone wrong

I think this is one of the hardest things for parents right now.

Watching your child struggle is uncomfortable. When you know exactly how to fix the problem, stepping in feels almost irresistible.

Send the email.

Bring the forgotten homework.

Remind them again.

Negotiate the deadline.

Talk to the teacher.

Find the missing assignment.

Fix the schedule.

And sometimes we absolutely should intervene, but not every uncomfortable experience requires intervention. Sometimes the forgotten assignment needs to be forgotten, the disappointing grade needs to happen, sometimes a child needs to realize, “I didn’t prepare enough for that.” Sometimes they need to experience the natural connection between responsibility and outcome.

That moment contains information and information is how the brain learns.

Executive function develops through use

Planning doesn’t improve because someone plans everything for you.

Time awareness doesn’t improve because someone constantly tells you how much time you have left.

Problem solving doesn’t improve when someone solves the problem before you have to wrestle with it.

Self regulation doesn’t develop because uncomfortable emotions are continually removed.

And independence doesn’t suddenly appear at 18 because we have decided our child is now technically an adult.

These skills require practice.

Lots of messy and imperfect practice.

Practice with mistakes and practice with consequences. And more importantly, practice when the stakes are still relatively small.

This is why I care so much about the conversation around standards.

Standards give kids something to work toward. The answer to a child struggling to meet a reasonable expectation shouldn’t automatically be to remove the expectation. Sometimes the answer is:

Let’s figure out what skills you need to meet it.

That is a very different message.

Confidence comes from competence

We talk constantly about building children’s confidence.

Real confidence develops when a child experiences something difficult and discovers:

I can handle this.

Maybe they don’t handle it perfectly; maybe they need guidance. Perhaps they fail the first time, and maybe they need to try again. But eventually the accomplishment belongs to them. That feeling is powerful.

“I did it.”

Not: “Someone made sure I did it.”

So what are we actually preparing kids for?

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People sometimes ask if I was afraid of disappointing my mom. The truth is, I don’t think I was. I already believed I did.

Instead, I became afraid of her reactions. I learned very quickly that disagreeing wasn’t worth it. Sharing an opinion that differed from hers usually didn’t end well, so eventually I stopped sharing my opinions. If I made a mistake, I certainly wasn’t going to tell her about it. I learned to keep quiet, read the room, and avoid conflict whenever possible.

Even now, I can see how much of that little girl followed me into adulthood. I became a people pleaser. Conflict made me uncomfortable. I worked incredibly hard to meet and surpass expectations in my personal and professional life, yet I often carried the feeling that nothing I did was ever quite enough.

Then there was my dad who I saw every weekend and those weekends with him felt different.

He was funny, easygoing, and calm. He didn’t make me feel judged. He listened. He laughed. When I was with him, I could finally exhale. There were no rules I had to worry about breaking.

Looking back now, I realize that what I experienced with him was emotional safety. I always knew he loved me, and I knew I could go to him when I felt hurt or belittled. Those weekends became my refuge. But, I was always returned on Sunday evenings and I can still recall the feeling of wondering what it would be like if I could just stay with my dad, my dad never said it, outright, but somehow I knew that was never an option.

Adulthood has a way of helping us see our parents more clearly.

I also recognize now that my dad rarely stepped into the conflict. He rescued me emotionally, but he didn’t often challenge what was happening or establish the kind of consistent leadership children also need. He felt more like my friend than my parent, and while I loved that as a child, I can now appreciate that children need both connection, guidance, and leadership.

For years I believed I had escaped my childhood and it felt so good to be on my own pursuing what I finally wanted to pursue.

Then I became a mother.

I made a promise to myself that I would never parent the way my mom had parented me. I was determined that my children would never feel afraid to tell me they had made a mistake. I wanted them to know that my love wasn’t dependent on obedience and that they could disagree with me without fearing rejection.

What I didn’t realize was that I wasn’t parenting from intention. I was parenting in reaction.

I questioned every consequence because I never wanted to seem controlling. I worried that holding firm boundaries would somehow make me become my mother. There were times I overcorrected, allowing more flexibility than I probably should have because I desperately wanted my children to know they were loved.

It took years for me to realize that I had created a false choice in my own mind.

I thought I had to choose between control and permissiveness because those were the only two leadership styles I had experienced as a child.

What I had never experienced was authoritative parenting.

It wasn’t until I became a teacher and started immersing myself in decades of parenting and educational research that everything began to make sense. I wanted my students to know they were accepted exactly as they were, but I also knew my job wasn’t simply to make them happy. It was to help them grow. That meant holding boundaries, maintaining expectations, and creating a classroom where mistakes were part of learning instead of something to fear. I realized that connection and accountability weren’t competing ideas. They actually worked best together. For the first time, I saw that I didn’t have to choose between the two parenting styles I had experienced growing up. I could intentionally build a different kind of leadership, one grounded in both the research and the kind of adult I wanted to become.

That realization didn’t just change my parenting.

It changed my career path.

And once I understood authoritative parenting, I started seeing childhood differently. I began to understand that children don’t need adults who control every move, and they don’t need adults who remove every obstacle either. They need adults who are willing to lead, ones who can hold a boundary without withdrawing love, and allow a child to struggle without abandoning them in the struggle.

They need adults who understand that consequences should teach, not simply hurt. And adults who create enough emotional safety for a child to say, “I messed up,” while still expecting them to take responsibility for what happens next. And eventually, executive function became an enormous part of that picture for me.

So much of what we call parenting is really the gradual transfer of responsibility from us to our children. We are helping them learn to regulate themselves, make decisions, tolerate frustration, solve problems, recover from mistakes, follow through, and eventually take ownership of their own lives.

Those skills aren’t built through fear, and they aren’t built by removing every discomfort either. They are, however, built when children have safe, steady adults beside them who understand when to support, when to hold firm, and when to step back.

I think that is why I became so passionate about this work. I know what it feels like to grow up with control, and I know what it feels like to experience connection without enough leadership. I also know what it feels like to become a parent and realize that loving your children deeply does not automatically mean you know how to lead them well.

That part has to be learned.

My childhood shaped the questions I would eventually spend much of my adult life trying to answer. My education and the research gave me language for what I had experienced. Motherhood forced me to confront it. And working with children and families showed me just how many parents are wrestling with the same questions.

How do I hold my child accountable without damaging our relationship? How do I support them without rescuing them? How do I give them independence when I’m afraid they’ll fail? How do I raise a child who knows, without question, that they are deeply loved while also preparing them to function in a world that will not always bend around them?

Those are the questions that eventually became my work. And maybe, in some ways, they started with a nine-year-old little girl trying to figure them out long before she had the words for any of it.

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Thanks for reading!

~Nicole

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articles & guides:

Have We Started Confusing Support with Protection?

The Zone Where Growth Happens

Regulate, Reflect, Respond

The Knowing vs. Doing Gap

Important Disclaimer: This article is for general educational purposes only and is not intended to diagnose, treat, or replace individualized guidance from a qualified medical, mental health, or educational professional. Every kid and family is different; please use your own judgment and consult a professional for concerns specific to your child.

We buy calendars, dry-erase boards, timers, sticky notes, visual schedules, and organization systems that we hope will finally “click” for our kids.

We do it because we love them.

We want to make life easier. We want to reduce the chaos. We want to help them succeed.

And there’s nothing wrong with those tools. In fact, many of them can be incredibly helpful when consistently taught how and why to use them.

But somewhere along the way, I think we’ve overlooked the most powerful visual support our children have.

It’s us.

Every single day, our children are watching how we use our time, regulate our emotions, handle frustration, respond to technology, recover from mistakes, and navigate relationships.

Long before they internalize the visual schedule on the refrigerator, they’re internalizing the adults they live with.

If visuals help children build executive function because they make the invisible visible, then we have to acknowledge something uncomfortable:

We are the visual our children study the most.

Some families have planners, calendars, whiteboards, and reminder systems. Many don’t.

And even when those systems exist, they’re often created for the adults to keep life running, not to intentionally teach children the executive function skills behind them.

We know visuals help kids because they make expectations concrete. They reduce the load on working memory and help children see what needs to happen next.

As executive function coaches, we recommend visuals all the time because they reduce the load on working memory while building the skills children need to help things stick.

But somewhere along the way, I think we’ve missed the most important visual of all.

You.

You are the visual your child watches more than any checklist hanging on the refrigerator.

Every single day, your child studies how you respond to stress.

How you use technology.

How you recover from mistakes.

How you speak to yourself.

How you manage disappointment.

How you treat other people.

How you handle conflict.

How you apologize.

How you regulate your emotions.

How flexible you are when life doesn’t go according to plan.

They aren’t just hearing what you say.

They’re watching what executive function actually looks like in real life.

And that matters far more than we want to admit.

Because executive function is something we model. And as a coach, I tell parents all the time - you CAN be your child’s coach, when you yourself are given the right tools and resources.

Parents often ask me,

“What visual should I make?”

“What routine chart should I print?”

“What reminder system should I use?”

Those are all helpful questions.

But I think we’re avoiding a much harder one.

What am I showing my child every day?

Because if we’re being honest, our children don’t just inherit our eye color.

They inherit our habits.

And habits are visual.

When your child watches you grab your phone every time there’s a quiet moment...

...they’re learning how you handle boredom.

When they watch you scroll through dinner...

...they’re learning what connection looks like.

When they hear you say, “I’m so stupid,” after making a mistake...

...they’re learning what self-talk sounds like.

When you lose your temper and never circle back to repair...

...they’re learning how conflict ends.

When plans change and everyone spirals...

...they’re learning flexibility.

When you calmly adjust...

...they’re learning flexibility, too.

Children are always collecting evidence.

Not about what you believe, about what you do.

That’s why I think we’ve become so focused on teaching executive function to kids that we’ve forgotten something uncomfortable.

Children learn executive function from adults long before they can explain executive function themselves.

And that conversation isn’t happening nearly enough.

In the rest of this article, I share:

• Why your habits become your child’s working memory template.

• The surprising connection between mirror neurons, modeling, and executive function development.

• The five executive function skills your child is watching you practice every single day.

• A Parent Modeling Audit that may completely change how you think about teaching independence.

• Small daily shifts that create long-term changes without becoming another impossible parenting checklist.

Read more

I want to be very clear: that is physics, full stop. It has nothing to do with psychology. It’s not a metaphor I’m about to stretch into a claim about energy fields between you and your kid. It’s a real, specific, measurable phenomenon in quantum mechanics, and I’m not blending it with anything else.

Now, what I am going to do is tell you a completely separate story, a real one, from psychology, about a classroom in the 1960s, because it makes a point about parenting that I think about constantly.

the story, from the start

In the early 1960s, a Harvard psychologist named Robert Rosenthal was studying something called the experimenter expectancy effect, the idea that a researcher’s own expectations could unintentionally influence the outcome of their experiment. He tested this with rats. He told one group of students that their rats had been specially bred to be “maze-bright,” and told another group their genetically identical rats were “maze-dull.” There was no actual difference between the rats. But the students who believed they had smart rats handled them more, handled them more gently, and got measurably better performance out of them. Belief alone changed the outcome, through nothing more mystical than how the students behaved toward the animals.

Rosenthal published this and speculated, almost as an aside, that if rats got “brighter” when their handlers expected them to, maybe kids would too, if their teachers expected them to. That single sentence caught the attention of a school principal named Lenore Jacobson, who wrote to him and essentially said: if you ever want to try this with actual children, let me know.

He took her up on it.

In 1964, at an elementary school in San Francisco (Rosenthal and Jacobson gave it the pseudonym “Oak School” to protect the real one), every student in grades 1 through 6 was given a real IQ test. But the teachers weren’t told it was an IQ test, they were told it was something called the “Harvard Test of Inflected Acquisition,” a fictional name designed to make the results sound authoritative. Afterward, Rosenthal and Jacobson randomly selected about 20% of the students…with zero relationship to their actual scores…and told the teachers that these specific kids had scored in a way that predicted an intellectual “growth spurt” over the coming year.

By the end of the school year, when the kids were tested again, the randomly chosen kids, the ones teachers had simply been told to expect more from, showed significantly greater gains than their classmates. Nothing had actually changed about those kids at the start. What changed was how their teachers watched them, spoke to them, and responded to their effort.

Rosenthal and Jacobson published the full study in 1968 as a book called Pygmalion in the Classroom, and it made headlines! It was literally a front-page story in the New York Times, an appearance on the Today show. Since then, researchers have kept testing the idea in different classrooms and settings, and the pattern keeps showing up: what a teacher expects from a kid shapes how they treat that kid, which shapes how the kid performs, especially early on, before a teacher has had time to form their own independent read on a child. The core finding has held up across decades of follow-up research, and that's why I keep coming back to this story - belief shapes behavior, and behavior shapes outcomes.

Here’s the parenting version I see constantly in ND households. When you’ve spent years anxiously watching for the meltdown, the forgotten assignment, the shutdown after school, you start expecting the crash. And just like those Oak School teachers, you don’t even have to say it out loud for it to shape how you show up: the speed of your voice when you ask if the homework’s done, whether you jump in three seconds before your kid would’ve figured it out, whether you secretly do the last third of the project (yes - this actually happens a lot) because watching them stare at a blank page is unbearable.

None of this feels like anything but love, in the moment. But research on overparenting, sometimes called helicopter parenting, though it shows up at every age, has found a consistent pattern: kids on the receiving end of more over-helping show lower self-efficacy and weaker self-regulation, not more confidence and independence. One study of elementary-age kids found that overparenting predicted more procrastination, specifically because it reduced the kids’ own self-control. Every time a parent stepped in, the kid got fewer reps building the exact skill they needed.

Just like the Oak School kids’ growth wasn’t actually about the fictional test, it was about how the belief changed the teachers’ behavior — your kid’s growth often isn’t about the diagnosis or the label. It’s about whether the adults around them expect them to build the skill, or expect them to need rescuing.

the shift, by age

Littles (roughly 4–8): over-helping usually looks like doing the task for them, packing the backpack, and prompting every step of getting dressed. The shift is building a visual checklist (which I talk about so often) that holds the structure without your voice attached, and letting small, low-stakes consequences be felt (the forgotten toy, the untied shoe).

Tweens (roughly 9–13): over-helping shifts into managing the systems when you're checking the grade portal for them, emailing the teacher before they’ve tried to advocate for themselves. The shift is co-building the system with them once a week (or twice for some kiddos), then stepping back, and coaching the self-advocacy script instead of sending the email yourself.

Teens (roughly 14+): This is where over-helping gets sneaky. It doesn’t always look like doing everything for them. It often looks like quietly lowering the expectation because you know they’ll struggle. You remind them six times. You email the teacher instead of having them do it. You keep extending the deadline at home. You wake them up every morning because it’s easier than dealing with the fallout. Support is still important if they genuinely need it. I advocate for accommodations all the time. Extra time on a test. Breaking a project into smaller parts. A visual checklist. Those supports stay in place. What shouldn’t disappear is accountability. The assignment still needs to be turned in. The email still needs to be sent. The work shift still needs to be worked. However, allowing natural consequences teaches the skills while keeping the expectation intact. If they forget once and it leads to a lower grade, an uncomfortable conversation with a teacher, or a boss asking where they were, that experience is often far more powerful than another reminder from you. That’s how executive functioning grows.

Diana Baumrind’s parenting research backs this up structurally: the style most associated with good long-term outcomes isn’t permissive (no structure, no expectation) and it isn’t authoritarian (all control, no autonomy), it’s authoritative: high warmth and high structure, together. For ND kids, that structure needs to look different than it might for a neurotypical sibling, more structure, routine, scaffolding, but the expectation itself doesn’t disappear at any age.

the honest part

I say this as someone who has caught herself mid-rescue more often than I would have liked when my children were younger. It doesn’t come from a bad place, but rather it comes from loving a kid the world doesn’t always make room for. But as I always say, structure is not the opposite of love; it is love in action. Sometimes the most loving thing you can do with your attention is stop scanning for the crash long enough to let your kid build the muscle themselves, while you stay close enough to help if they truly need it.

Sources:

• Rosenthal, R., & Jacobson, L. (1968). Pygmalion in the Classroom: Teacher Expectation and Pupils’ Intellectual Development.

• Rosenthal, R. (1963). “On the Social Psychology of the Psychological Experiment,” American Scientist (the original rat-maze findings)

• Raudenbush, S. (1984), meta-analysis of teacher expectancy replications

• Frontiers in Psychology (2022), systematic review on helicopter parenting and anxiety/depression outcomes

• Meta-analysis of helicopter parenting across self-efficacy, self-regulation, and internalizing behaviors (53 studies, 111 effect sizes)

• Diana Baumrind’s parenting styles research (if you’d like to learn more about her and how her approach ties directly into our parent coaching model at Igniting Your Mind, please check out this resource!)

  ---

Thanks for reading!

~Nicole

quick links:

Igniting Your Mind Website

Shop all digital guides

related articles & guides:

Have We Started Confusing Support with Protection?

The Zone Where Growth Happens

Regulate, Reflect, Respond

The Knowing vs. Doing Gap

Important Disclaimer: This article is for general educational purposes only and is not intended to diagnose, treat, or replace individualized guidance from a qualified medical, mental health, or educational professional. Every kid and family is different; please use your own judgment and consult a professional for concerns specific to your child.

Leave a comment

It’s one of the most important parts of my job over summer.

Some of these reports belong to families we’ve been working with for years as we prepare for annual IEP meetings and plan for the school year ahead. Others are from parents who have recently reached out to see if executive function coaching might be the missing piece. I want to understand not only how the student learns, but how their brain works, where they’re struggling, what strengths they can build on, and whether the recommendations being made are truly setting them up for long-term success.

I’ve probably read hundreds of these reports since beginning my time in education.

Private evaluations.

School evaluations.

The reports that eventually become IEPs, 504 Plans, and Learning Plans.

Each one tells the story of a child.

Each one represents parents who have spent months, sometimes years, searching for answers.

And it is so clear that every single evaluator, teacher, administrator, and parent involved wants the same thing.

We want these children to succeed.

At least, I believe we all do.

But as I worked through another stack of reports this week, I found myself writing the same notes in the margin over and over again.

Where is the plan for independence?

Will these recommendations help this child become more independent over time?

After twenty years in this field, I’ve come to believe something that I wish we talked about a lot more.

The Hard Truth

If you’ve followed my work for any length of time, you’ve probably heard me say this before.

Today’s parents are carrying more than any generation before them. They’re juggling work, activities, therapies, homework, sports, emails from teachers, online grade portals, mental health concerns, parenting in this tech-addicted world, and the constant pressure to get everything “right.” They’re exhausted.

When you’re that overwhelmed, it’s only natural to step in and do whatever gets everyone through the day with the least amount of conflict. We remind. We rescue. We organize. We problem-solve. We smooth the path because, quite frankly, there often isn’t enough time or energy to do anything else.

I understand that. I really do.

But here’s the hard truth.

When helping becomes our default, children lose opportunities to practice the very executive functioning skills they’re struggling to develop.

Overhelping often comes from love, but it’s reinforced by the messages parents hear every day, especially on social media. We’re told that good parents stay one step ahead, solve problems before they happen, and make life easier for their children. Rarely do we hear that one of the most loving things we can do is intentionally step back, scaffold well, and allow our children to practice becoming independent.

Here's the heartbreaking part. I talk with parents every single week who are doing everything they can for their children, yet many have never even heard the word scaffolding. They've never been taught how to meet a child where they are while intentionally transferring more responsibility to them over time. They know how to help. They just haven't been shown how to help in a way that builds independence.

Schools find themselves in a similar position.

Teachers are balancing classrooms of twenty or thirty students, each with unique learning needs, while trying to implement accommodations, meet curriculum standards, communicate with families, and keep everyone moving forward.

Just like parents, they often do what works in the moment.

And that’s the key phrase...

In the moment.

Because what works in the moment doesn’t always build the skills children need for the future.

Neither happens because people don’t care. In fact, I think the opposite is true.

We love our children so much that we naturally want to make life easier for them. Teachers want students to experience success. Psychologists want to reduce barriers. School teams want children to feel supported.

Those are all good things.

Over the years, I’ve become increasingly convinced of something I think we need to talk about more openly.

We have become exceptionally good at helping children today.

We have become far less intentional about preparing them for tomorrow.

It’s simply where we’ve drifted, I truly don’t beliieve that it’s anyone’s intention.

Somewhere along the way, we’ve confused accommodations with skill building.

I wrote an article all about this if you’d like to learn more:

They’re not the same thing.

Supporting a child should never be the final destination.

Supporting a child while intentionally teaching them to need us less over time is the ultimate goal.

That’s what scaffolding is.

That’s what executive function development is.

And I don’t think we’re talking about it nearly enough.

Why the Language Matters

Parents often read these reports looking for the diagnosis.

I read them looking for the language.

The wording in a psychoeducational or neuropsych evaluation often becomes the wording in an IEP, a 504 Plan, or a Learning Plan (in private schools).

Those recommendations become classroom practice, most times.

That practice becomes habit.

And those habits shape how children learn to function.

That’s an enormous responsibility.

Whether the language originates with the evaluator, the school team, or the district, the outcome is often the same.

The words we choose influence not only what adults do for children...

...but what children learn to do for themselves.

As professionals, I believe we have a responsibility to think beyond the accommodation itself.

We should also be asking:

What executive functioning skill are we intentionally teaching while this support is in place?

Because if the answer is “none,” then we’ve created access without creating growth.

Prompting Isn’t Teaching

One recommendation appears in evaluation after evaluation.

It usually sounds something like this:

Teacher should check in or prompt student after class to ensure the student understands assignments, answer questions, and remind the student of important due dates.

At first glance, this sounds perfectly reasonable.

And honestly, in the short term, it probably helps.

But here’s what I can’t stop thinking about.

Who is doing the thinking?

The teacher.

The teacher remembers the assignment.

The teacher remembers the deadline.

The teacher decides what’s important.

The teacher determines what the student should be paying attention to.

The student simply responds.

And that’s where I think we unintentionally skip providing executive function support to our children.

Executive function = self-directed action.

Executive functioning isn’t remembering what someone else told you to do.

It’s learning to ask yourself:

“What am I supposed to be doing?”

“What’s important right now?”

“What’s my first step?”

“When is this due and when should I start it?”

“What would the future <insert student name> want me to do?”

“How am I going to remember?”

“What do I need to do next?”

Those questions have to become the student’s questions.

Not the teacher’s.

Not the parent’s.

Not the coach’s.

Because if an adult is always generating the plan, the student never gets the opportunity to build the internal processes needed to generate one themselves.

Prompting works.

Until it doesn’t.

It helps children complete today’s task.

But if prompting is never paired with intentional scaffolding, children can unintentionally learn something we never meant to teach them.

They learn to wait.

To wait until someone reminds them.

To wait until someone tells them the first step.

To wait until someone notices they forgot.

To wait until someone initiates the thinking for them.

Over time, the prompt becomes the cue for action instead of the child's own internal dialogue. That's exactly why developing internal dialogue is the very first thing we work on with every student we coach. If a child isn't learning to think through tasks independently, they'll struggle to develop executive functioning skills no matter how many planners, reminders, or strategies we give them. It really is that simple.

Imagine if the recommendation said something like this:

Initially, provide weekly teacher check-ins while explicitly teaching the student to independently record assignments, identify due dates, prioritize tasks, and generate clarifying questions. Use visual supports, planning tools, and guided reflection to help the student develop self-directed routines. Adult prompts should gradually fade as the student demonstrates increasing independence.

Do you see the shift?

The teacher is still supportive.

The child is still supported.

But now the support has a destination.

Independence.

Because every child, regardless of diagnosis, is capable of becoming more independent than they are today when we provide the right scaffolding, teach the right strategies, and intentionally transfer responsibility over time.

That, to me, is what executive function coaching is all about and why I made it my life’s work to help as many people as possible.

The Research Agrees

This isn’t simply my opinion after twenty years of working in education.

Research consistently tells us that accommodations alone are rarely enough to improve long-term outcomes for neurodiverse students.

They remove barriers.

But they don’t automatically build executive functioning.

Russell Barkley has spent decades reminding us that ADHD, for example, is fundamentally a disorder of executive functioning and self-regulation across time. Children need explicit instruction, external supports that gradually become internal supports, and opportunities to practice self-directed behavior.

In other words...

The accommodation should buy us time and meet our children where they are developmentally, because let’s face it, many children nowadays have delayed executive function. Add an ADHD profile, and we can agree that they are about 30-40% delayed behind their same-age peers.

The Question I’d Love More Professionals to Ask

First, let me be clear:

I’m not writing this because I think psychologists are doing a poor job.

I’m not writing this because I think schools don’t care.

And I’m certainly not writing this because I think parents should stop advocating for accommodations.

Quite the opposite, actually.

I think everyone involved wants what’s best for children.

I simply think we’ve become so focused on answering one question that we’ve forgotten to ask another.

We’ve become very good at asking:

“What does this child need today?”

I think we also need to ask:

“What executive functioning skill are we intentionally teaching so this child needs us a little less tomorrow?”

Because accommodations should reduce barriers.

Scaffolding should build skills.

And every recommendation should include a bridge between the two.

Every IEP goal should be intentionally building greater independence, especially the executive functioning ones. The ultimate purpose isn’t simply to help a student succeed this semester or this school year. It’s to teach the skills they’ll need when there isn’t an IEP meeting, a case manager, or a teacher providing daily support. College, the workplace, and adulthood all require self-direction. That’s why every goal should move a child closer to needing less support than they needed the year before. If you’d like to learn more about why this matters, I dive deeper into the below article I wrote all about this topic.

The Conversation I’d Love to Have

This is one of the reasons families ask us to review psychoeducational evaluations, IEPs, 504 Plans, and Learning Plans through an executive functioning lens all the time.

We aren’t looking to remove accommodations.

We’re looking to strengthen them.

We’re asking questions like:

• Where is the skill development?

• Where is the plan for fading support?

• How do we move this student toward greater independence over the next year instead of greater dependence on adults?

Because this is bigger than executive function coaching. It's the responsibility of all of us who have the privilege of shaping children's lives. Parents. Teachers. Therapists. Psychologists. Coaches. School leaders. Every interaction should ask the same question:

How do I help this child need me just a little less than they did yesterday?

That’s how independence is built.

Helping them become adults who can eventually rely on themselves.

To me, that’s the whole point.

Always.

Thanks so much for reading.

With tons of gratitude,

Nicole Rouleau

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If you would like to learn more about helping your child build the real-world executive functioning skills needed for long term independence, resilience, and self-direction, I would love to connect. I am always happy to support families, answer questions, and help bridge the gap between understanding these skills and actually applying strategies that strengthen them in everyday life.

And if you know a school or district looking to deepen their understanding of executive functioning and move beyond outdated approaches that often keep students overly prompt-dependent, I would love the opportunity to support their staff and parents as well. The more we align home and school around how these skills are truly developed, the better outcomes we create for kids.

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I see some version of this every single week.

Sometimes it’s a mother who has spent hours researching ADHD, buying planners, watching videos, reading books, and trying every strategy she can find. Sometimes it’s a father who says he wants to help but can barely keep track of his own schedule. Sometimes it’s a parent who simply writes, “I’m an executive functioning nightmare.”

And every time I read those comments, I wish I could reach through the screen and say the same thing.

You’re not failing.

You’re probably trying to build skills that no one ever taught you, either.

The Parent We Don’t Talk About

Most conversations about executive functioning focus on children.

How do we fix the messy backpacks, the forgotten assignments, the time management, and the organization? Those are the challenges that seem most obvious to parents. The problem is, they’re often only the symptoms. They don’t come close to revealing the underlying executive functioning weaknesses that are actually causing them.

How do we teach planning?

How do we reduce reminders?

How do we build independence?

Those are important questions. They’re the questions I’ve spent my career helping families answer.

But there is another question that doesn’t get asked nearly enough.

What happens when the parent struggles with executive functioning, too?

Because the truth is, this is incredibly common.

We ask parents to create routines, stay consistent, manage emotions, follow through, organize the household, coordinate school communication, keep track of appointments, remember medications, monitor homework, and remain patient through all of it.

Those responsibilities require strong executive functioning.

Yet many of the parents carrying that load have brains that make those very skills more difficult.

It Isn’t a Coincidence

One of the reasons this happens so often is because ADHD is one of the most heritable neurodevelopmental conditions we know of.

Research consistently estimates the heritability of ADHD to be around 70 to 80 percent, meaning genetics play a substantial role in who develops the condition. In many families, a child’s diagnosis becomes the first clue that a parent has been struggling with similar challenges all along. (Read the data here)

I’ve seen it happen countless times.

A parent starts reading about ADHD to better understand their son or daughter.

They learn about working memory.

Time blindness.

Task initiation.

Emotional regulation.

Planning.

Cognitive flexibility.

And somewhere in the middle of reading, they stop.

Because they’re no longer reading about their child.

They’re reading about themselves.

Many adults tell me it feels both heartbreaking and validating. Suddenly, decades of believing they were lazy, careless, disorganized, or simply “bad at adulting” begin to make sense.

Why Traditional Parenting Advice Can Feel Impossible

I think this is one of the biggest reasons so many parents leave parenting books feeling discouraged.

The advice itself often isn’t wrong.

Be consistent.

Plan ahead.

Follow through.

Create routines.

Stay calm.

Use visual schedules.

The problem is that these recommendations assume the parent already has the executive functioning skills needed to implement them consistently.

Imagine asking someone who struggles with time management to flawlessly manage everyone else’s schedule.

Or better yet, asking someone with significant working memory challenges to remember every permission slip, medication refill, and soccer practice without external systems.

It isn’t a lack of love.

It isn’t a lack of effort.

It’s often a lack of support and a skill deficit that isn’t your fault. The reality is that, just as I mentioned earlier, these are skills that were likely never explicitly taught to you either.

Adults Need Scaffolding Too

One of the biggest misconceptions I see is that scaffolding is something we do for children.

It isn’t.

Scaffolding is simply providing enough support for someone to be successful while they’re learning a skill.

Children need scaffolding.

Teenagers need scaffolding.

Adults need scaffolding.

In my work, I teach parents to chunk overwhelming tasks into smaller steps because that’s exactly what we do for kids with executive functioning challenges. We externalize information so the brain doesn’t have to hold everything at once. We build routines gradually instead of trying to overhaul an entire household in one weekend. We create visual systems, reminders, accountability, and environmental supports because that’s how executive functioning develops.

The research on executive functioning consistently shows that external supports reduce cognitive load and improve performance while internal skills are developing. That’s true whether you’re nine years old or forty nine.

You Don’t Have to Be Perfect to Help Your Child

I think many parents carry around a fear.

“How can I teach my child something I struggle with myself?”

The answer is simple.

This isn’t about perfection.

You just have to be willing to learn alongside them.

In fact, there is something incredibly powerful about a child hearing,

“I’m setting a timer because it helps my brain.”

“I’m writing this down because I know I’ll forget.”

“I’m breaking this project into smaller steps because that’s how I stay on track.”

“I’m going to empty the dishwasher before I relax, even though I don’t really want to. TV time with you will be my reward.”

That's modeling.

One of the things I teach over and over again is that children learn executive functioning best when they can see it. Parents spend so much time creating visual schedules, visual reminders, and visual systems for our kids that we forget the most powerful visual is sitting right in front of them. You are the visual. Every time your child watches you write down an appointment because you know you'll forget, set a timer to stay on task, or talk yourself through a difficult situation, you're making executive functioning visible. And that's how children learn.

Children need parents who know how to respond when they are struggling.

The Missing Piece

This is why I’ve been thinking so much about parents lately.

For years, my focus has been helping children build executive functioning skills. That work will always matter deeply to me.

But the more families I work with, the more I realize that we can’t only support the child.

We have to support the parent, too.

Because when a parent feels overwhelmed, isolated, and ashamed of their own struggles, it’s incredibly difficult to consistently implement the very strategies their child needs.

Parents deserve coaching. Parents deserve community.

Parents deserve practical systems that work with their brain instead of against it.

Most importantly, they deserve to know they’re not alone.

A New Conversation

If you’ve ever watched one of my videos and thought, “This makes perfect sense...I just don’t know how to make it happen in my own home,” I want you to know I’ve been listening.

I’ve been reading and doing my best to respond to every comment.

I’ve been hearing the exhaustion behind the words.

And I’ve realized something.

Many of you have enough information, but you need someone to walk beside you while you build these skills yourself.

That’s the conversation I want to start having.

Because when we support the parent, we don’t just change the parent’s life.

We change the entire family.

References

Barkley, R. A. (2012). Executive Functions: What They Are, How They Work, and Why They Evolved.

Faraone, S. V., & Larsson, H. (2019). Genetics of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. This review reports ADHD heritability estimates of approximately 70 to 80%.

Dawson, P., & Guare, R. (2018). Executive Skills in Children and Adolescents (3rd ed.). Guilford Press.

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. “ADHD Throughout the Lifespan.” https://www.cdc.gov/adhd/

National Institute of Mental Health. “Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder.” https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/attention-deficit-hyperactivity-disorder-adhd

Thanks so much for reading.

Nicole Rouleau

If you would like to learn more about helping your child build the real-world executive functioning skills needed for long term independence, resilience, and self-direction, I would love to connect. I am always happy to support families, answer questions, and help bridge the gap between understanding these skills and actually applying strategies that strengthen them in everyday life.

And if you know a school or district looking to deepen their understanding of executive functioning and move beyond outdated approaches that often keep students overly prompt-dependent, I would love the opportunity to support their staff as well. The more we align home and school around how these skills are truly developed, the better outcomes we create for kids.

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Schedule a Discovery Call

Check out our other resources here!

If a task causes stress, remove it. If an expectation leads to anxiety, lower it. If a child struggles, protect them from experiencing that struggle again.

It comes from a good place. Every parent wants their child to feel safe.

The problem is that feeling safe and feeling comfortable are not the same thing.

Unfortunately, those two ideas have become blurred, particularly in conversations surrounding autism, ADHD, anxiety, executive functioning, and twice-exceptional learners, and especially on social media.

When ‘Survival Mode’ Is Real

Let’s be clear about something first.

Children living with chronic trauma, abuse, neglect, or prolonged toxic stress are different from children who simply find life difficult because of something like ADHD or executive functioning weakness.

The neuroscience behind toxic stress is well established. Children exposed to severe, prolonged adversity without adequate protective relationships experience changes in stress physiology that can interfere with learning, emotional regulation, memory, and executive functioning.

No one is arguing against that.

Those children need safety first.

But somewhere along the way, we’ve started applying the language of trauma and survival to nearly every moment of discomfort.

That is where I believe we’ve gotten lost.

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Neurodivergent Does Not Mean Fragile

Having ADHD does not mean a child is constantly in fight-or-flight, so please do not listen to social media influencers who suggest this.

Having autism does not mean they should never experience frustration.

Being twice exceptional does not mean expectations should disappear.

Yes, these children often require accommodations.

Yes, they may process information differently.

Yes, they may become overwhelmed more easily in certain situations.

But none of those statements mean they are incapable of growth.

In fact, the research points us in a different direction.

Studies consistently show that autistic and ADHD learners benefit from environments that are structured, predictable, explicit, and consistent. Predictability reduces uncertainty. Clear expectations reduce cognitive load. Routines allow children to direct more energy toward learning rather than constantly trying to figure out what comes next.

Notice what these recommendations have in common.

They don’t remove expectations. They organize them. That is a very different philosophy.

Structure Lowers Anxiety

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Inside the recording, we cover:

• Why summer falls apart (and why it’s not about motivation or effort)

• How to build a predictable rhythm that works with your child’s brain, not against it

• The role of visual structure, earned screen time, and routines your child actually helps create

• How to set yourself up as the calm, regulated anchor your family needs

Read more

While some of those supports can absolutely help in the short term, many kids are now growing up in environments where they are constantly being externally managed instead of internally developed.

That is the piece we are missing.

The newer understanding of executive functioning is showing us that these visible struggles are often only the outcome of a much deeper internal skill set that is weak or underdeveloped. Executive functioning is not just about managing tasks. It is about managing yourself.

Students cannot consistently manage time if they are not aware of themselves and their environment. They cannot plan into the future if they cannot self-evaluate the present. They cannot independently begin tasks if they cannot mentally visualize the process, visualize the finished result, or self-talk through where they feel stuck. Students are lacking self-motivation which is also not going to develop in a world where we don’t promote delayed gratification. And how can we expect our children to self-regulate if they aren’t taught skills to manage their emotions and recognize what distracts them?

This is why so many bright, capable students continue to struggle despite years of accommodations, learning plans at school, reminders, tutoring, therapies, and support. We keep trying to strengthen the external systems without strengthening the internal systems driving the behavior underneath.

Many schools are unintentionally creating prompt-dependent students. Parents often are too, because most of us were never taught to think about executive functioning this way. We were taught to “help” by reminding, rescuing, redirecting, negotiating, monitoring, checking grade portals, emailing teachers, fixing missing work, and staying one step ahead of the child. Schools often mirror this same approach by heavily cueing students through every part of the day, chunking everything for them (not with them), constantly redirecting attention, and modifying expectations without teaching the internal skills needed for eventual independence.

Over time, many students begin relying on the adult instead of learning how to rely on themselves. They truly wait for the prompts, the questions, the directives to take action!

This does not mean accommodations are bad. It does not mean support is bad. Many students absolutely need accommodations and scaffolds. The problem is when supports never fade, never evolve, and never intentionally build toward independence. Support should function like scaffolding on a building. It is meant to strengthen the structure underneath, not remain permanently holding it together forever.

What makes executive functioning especially important is that it affects every aspect of life, not just academics. Emotional regulation, motivation, flexible thinking, stress tolerance, impulse control, follow through, problem solving, self awareness, frustration tolerance, and independence are all deeply connected to executive functioning.

This is why a student may understand the material academically but still not complete the work. Why a child may want to do well but still avoid getting started. Why a teen may say they “forgot” something they genuinely never mentally processed. Why overwhelm can completely shut down thinking skills that we know are technically there.

Most kids do not want to fail. Actually, I would argue that literally no kid want to fail. Most kids do not wake up hoping to disappoint adults all day long. Many are struggling internally in ways we cannot always see from the outside.

This is also why executive functioning cannot become a battle between schools and parents about who is more responsible. The truth is we are all on the same team. Kids spend enormous amounts of time in both environments, and the strategies that truly strengthen executive functioning are often effective in both places because they target the same internal processes.

The goal should not simply be getting the assignment done. The goal is helping students develop the internal awareness and self directed regulation needed to eventually function without us.

That means helping students build awareness before expecting independence. It means helping them visualize tasks instead of repeatedly saying “just get started.” It means teaching them how to self talk through frustration instead of immediately stepping in to solve the problem for them. It means helping them reflect on their behavior, estimate time, predict obstacles, evaluate outcomes, and build tolerance for discomfort and delayed gratification.

It also means understanding that executive functioning develops at the point of performance. A child struggling to initiate work often needs support while the struggle is actively happening, not hours later at home when the emotional and cognitive demand has already collapsed. Consequences that are too delayed lose much of their teaching power because executive functioning difficulties are often rooted in weak future awareness to begin with.

One of the most powerful things we can do for students is help “bring the future closer to the present.” Help them mentally picture what success looks like before beginning. Ask them what the “done version” looks like. Have them create mental movies of themselves moving through the process. Help them identify where they feel stuck before frustration escalates into shutdown, avoidance, or emotional dysregulation.

These are the kinds of strategies that help move students from constant adult prompting toward more independent self-directed action over time.

This is the work I focus on inside my coaching programs, parent education, and school trainings because the reality is that executive functioning is not just an academic issue. It is a life skill issue.

At the end of the day, we are not simply trying to raise students who can complete assignments. We are trying to raise responsible, capable, resilient, self-aware, competent human beings who can eventually manage themselves without needing someone standing over them every step of the way.

Thank you for reading! If this was helpful, consider a review here.

Best,

Nicole Rouleau

If you would like to learn more about helping your child build the real-world executive functioning skills needed for long term independence, resilience, and self-direction, I would love to connect. I am always happy to support families, answer questions, and help bridge the gap between understanding these skills and actually applying strategies that strengthen them in everyday life.

And if you know a school or district looking to deepen their understanding of executive functioning and move beyond outdated approaches that often keep students overly prompt-dependent, I would love the opportunity to support their staff as well. The more we align home and school around how these skills are truly developed, the better outcomes we create for kids.

Schedule a Discovery Call

Check out our other resources here!

Executive function is the brain’s ability to plan, initiate, regulate, and follow through. And for many kids, especially those with ADHD or EF delays, those skills develop more slowly. Sometimes by a few years. During the school year, that gap is supported. There are bells, schedules, teachers’ prompts, and transitions. That external structure carries what their brain can’t yet do on its own.

Then summer hits… and depending on what your home looks like, all of that disappears.

What looks like freedom to adults feels like a void to a prompt-dependent brain.

Without cues, their brain doesn’t shift into action.

It waits.

The brain is simply responding to its environment. If the brain is used to waiting for that external prompt, then that is what it is waiting for to literally act!

Signs Your Child Might Be Prompt-Dependent

• Needs reminders for things they’ve done hundreds of times

• Says “I’m bored” but can’t generate ideas

• Talks about things they want to do… but never starts

• Defaults to screens every time there is a transition in the day or a period of boredom

• Only gets moving when you verbally prompt

If that’s your summer every year, this isn’t about motivation. It’s about structure.

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The Parenting Shift That Actually Works

Permissive parenting leaves summer wide open and hopes kids will figure it out.

Authoritarian parenting fills the space with demands and punishments.

Uninvolved parents let their kids figure it out without any structure or support, which often leaves them anxious and, over time, confused.

These do not work well for any children, especially those with ADHD.

Authoritative parenting does something different.

It builds an anchor. Warmth and structure together, which gives the brain a starting point without creating constant conflict.

Motivation follows action. It doesn’t come before it.

Waiting for your child to “feel ready” is where things stall.

The 5 Things Every Summer Needs

Authoritative parenting research is clear: kids do best with both warmth and structure. Not one or the other. Summer is where that balance either holds… or completely falls apart.

These five pillars are how you actually build it in real life.

Light, Flexible Structure

This is where most parents feel stuck. They either overcorrect with a rigid schedule and can’t stick to it or avoid structure altogether because they don’t want constant pushback. What works is something in the middle.

Your child doesn’t really need every minute planned. They need a predictable shape to their day. A starting point their brain can recognize. A clear beginning, middle and end. Think anchors, not schedules.

A consistent morning start. A general expectation for one task or responsibility. Open time that still lives inside some boundaries. An evening rhythm that signals the day is winding down.

Without that, time just blurs. Kids drift from one thing to the next or default to screens because there’s no clear “what now.” And I have news for you - it isn’t YOUR job to figure out the “what now”. It’s theirs (but they might need a little help in the beginning)

Structure allows their brain to actually initiate. It gives their energy somewhere to go instead of letting it scatter.

Real Responsibility and Competent Roles

Chores get framed as punishment or something kids should “just help with.”

That framing misses the point completely.

Responsibility is one of the most direct ways executive function develops.

When a child is expected to contribute in a real way, their brain has to practice starting something, sticking with it, and finishing it. They have to tolerate small amounts of discomfort. They have to hold a task in mind and follow through.

That’s the exact skill set they struggle with.

When kids don’t have roles, parents end up doing everything faster and easier. But what gets lost is the practice.

A child who is responsible for making dinner one night a week, managing their laundry, or handling part of the household isn’t just “helping.” They’re building competence.

And competence changes how kids see themselves. It moves them from being managed to being capable.

Intentional Breaks from Screens — With Something to Fill Them

Screens aren’t going anywhere. The issue isn’t that kids use them. It’s that they become the default for every empty space.

When there’s nothing else defined, screens win every time.

Then parents try to take them away, and it turns into a power struggle because there’s no alternative plan.

Most kids who say “I’m bored” aren’t being difficult. They genuinely don’t know what to do without a device. That skill hasn’t been built yet.

Boredom tolerance is a skill, especially if they are used to getting this kind of stimulation throughout the periods where they need to wait, where there is that void, or when their friends are busy.

And like any skill, it has to be practiced.

Intentional tech time structured into the day is the move. It’s not taken away when kids didn’t listen or didn’t do what was asked, it is earned through showing responsibility. “You can take care of your morning routine and earn your one hour of screen time from 11-12 today or you don’t have to do your morning routine and you won’t earn that screen time.” - Language of accountability puts the ownership of their choices on them.

Also, helping your child create a boredom buster poster can also help them, that way when the moment hits, their brain doesn’t go blank. Hang this in a prominent location and do a non verbal point to it is you start hearing talk of boredom!

The discomfort of “I don’t know what to do” is where creativity, independence, and self-direction can begin. But most kids nowadays never stay in that moment long enough to get there.

Real-World Interpersonal Relationships

It’s clear that a lot of “social interaction” has moved online, but social development needs haven’t changed. In fact, I would be willing to argue that online is not social at all!

Executive function shows up in unstructured social settings constantly.

Reading the room. Taking turns. Managing frustration. Handling conflict. Recovering from awkward moments.

Those are not things kids learn through texting or gaming.

They’re built through face-to-face interaction only.

Summer gives kids something they don’t always have during the school year: lots of extra unstructured time with other people - neighbors, family, friends, sports, camps, volunteering. That’s where real social practice happens.

Not everything needs to be planned or perfect. But regular, in-person interaction matters and as parents, we might need to support our children in facilitating this.

The real world is where kids learn how to navigate relationships without scripts. And that’s a skill that carries into every part of their life and future.

Outdoor Unstructured Free Play — Daily

This is one of the most overlooked pieces, and one of the most powerful.

Time outside, without a screen or an agenda, forces the brain to engage differently.

Kids have to make decisions, solve problems, take small risks, and adjust when things don’t go the way they expected. In the virtual world, they have full control over things and if they don’t like what someone did or said, they can take off their headset and close the game or they can block their “friends” on social media platforms.

It also regulates their system in a way indoor, screen-based, and adult-led environments don’t. Outdoor time lowers stress and supports working memory, especially in kids with ADHD.

What matters here is that it’s unstructured. Not an adult-led sport, not an adult-led organized activity. Free, uninterrupted play and time outside where they’re in charge of what happens. Even 45 minutes a day outdoors can shift how a child shows up for the rest of it.

If This Is Hitting Close to Home…

You need a starting point.

Here are three things you can do this week:

→ Build a Summer “Anchor List”

Sit down for 15 minutes and list everything your child has mentioned wanting to do. Put it somewhere visible. This takes ideas out of their head and puts them in reach.

→ Decide Your Morning Anchor

Pick one consistent starting routine.

Wake up.
Personal hygiene.
Food. Hydration.
15 minutes outside (even if just sitting on front porch)

Screens come after.

Talk to your child about it and start before summer begins, perhaps on weekends, and never during conflict.

“I want this summer to feel good for you. The structure isn’t to control you. It’s to help your brain get started so you can actually do what you want to do.”

Say it calmly and early. This changes everything.

If You Want Help Building This Out…

I’m running a live workshop where we actually build your family’s summer plan together.

You leave with a plan you can use immediately.

The Summer Blueprint Workshop
Thursday, May 22 · 1PM EDT

You’ll walk away with:

• your daily structure mapped out

• a screen plan that doesn’t turn into a fight

• scripts for the exact moments that usually escalate

• a boredom plan your child helped create

👉 Register here:
https://ignitingyourmind.com/digitialproducts/p/summer-blue-print-workshop-and-interactive-workbook-for-parents

Recording and workbook is included if you can’t attend live or if you prefer to work through this in a self paced way!

For access to more resources

With warmth and full confidence in you,

Nicole

Refer a friend

The Conversation that Most Parents Avoid

This conversation usually starts at home, rather than with what the research is actually saying. It starts with patterns that don’t feel right, and when things don’t seem to be improving.

It shows up in small ways at first. More irritability after screens. More resistance to homework or basic responsibilities. Less interest in anything that requires effort, patience, or real-world interaction.

Over time, it becomes a pattern.

Kids struggle to get started, manage their time, or follow through. Transitions off screens become harder. Mornings feel rushed and reactive. Evening routines when screen time is over are maddening for some families, and the same arguments keep happening.

This is usually where the questions come in. Is this just how kids are now? Is this something I should be concerned about?

What often gets missed is not just how much time is spent on screens, but what that time is replacing.

Executive function skills are built through effort, boredom, stepping outside of our comfort zone, and repetition. When most of a child’s day is spent in fast, high-reward, instant gratification environments, their brain starts to expect that pace. Dysregulation grows. Frustration comes faster. Even small efforts feel overwhelming.

What can look like laziness or lack of motivation is often a skill set that hasn’t had enough opportunity to develop.

For some kids, this goes beyond a habit. When screen use starts impacting mood, behavior, and daily functioning, it’s no longer just entertainment. It’s something shaping how they cope.

This guide is here to help you step back, recognize the patterns, and decide what needs to shift.

The Shift in Childhood

Over the last 10–15 years, childhood has changed.

Jonathan Haidt, social psychologist and author of The Anxious Generation, describes this as a “rewiring of childhood.”

As smartphones and social media became a daily part of kids’ lives, researchers began tracking a sharp rise in:

• Anxiety

• Depression

• Loneliness

• Self-harm

At the same time, kids were spending:

• Less time outside

• Less time with friends in person

• Less time navigating real-world challenges

• Less time sleeping than any generation before

• More time on screens.

This doesn’t mean screens are the only cause.

But the overlap is strong enough that it cannot continue to be ignored.

When you change how kids spend their time, you change how they develop.

Screens and Mental Health

One of the biggest concerns researchers continue to study is the connection between screen use and mental health.

Large-scale studies have found that higher levels of screen time are directly associated with:

• Increased anxiety

• Increased depressive symptoms

• Higher emotional reactivity

• Lower overall well-being

Teens who spend multiple hours per day on social media are significantly more likely to report feelings of sadness and hopelessness compared to those with lower use.

Sleep disruption plays a major role here. Late-night scrolling, gaming, and constant stimulation are causing kids to get less sleep & interfere with already poor sleep cycles, which directly impacts mood, focus, and emotional regulation.

For many kids, what parents are seeing at home is not random behavior. It’s a nervous system that hasn’t had a chance to reset.

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If you’re a parent of a child with a 504 plan or IEP, it makes complete sense to assume that support will follow them into college.

For years, it has.

Teachers know your child. Support is built into their day.
There are reminders, check-ins, adjustments, and systems holding things together behind the scenes. Your child does well enough in school and you don’t question anything. You have a yearly IEP meeting and your child doesn’t NEED to be there.

So fast forward to high school and when parents say, “my child’s plan will transfer,” what they’re really holding onto is the experience they’ve had.

A system that steps in.
A system that anticipates.
A system that doesn’t require their child to drive the process.

But college is a different system entirely.

What Actually Changes

In K–12, schools are responsible for identifying needs and delivering support.

In college, that responsibility shifts to the student.

Here’s what that looks like in real life:

K–12:
– Schools identify needs
– Supports are implemented automatically
– Teachers prompt, monitor, and follow up
– The environment helps initiate and sustain work

College:
– Students must disclose their disability
– Students must request accommodations
– Students must communicate with professors
– Students must manage time, workload, initiate and follow-through independently

IEPs do not apply at all in college no matter you have been told.
504 protections still exist, but under a different structure that focuses on access, not built-in support. IDEA becomes ADA.

There is no requirement for colleges to proactively manage a student’s success.

The Statistic Most Parents Don’t See

One of the most overlooked parts of this transition is what actually happens when students get to college.

Research shows that only about 28% of students who had a disability in high school disclose it in college, and only about 24% actually receive accommodations, even though nearly all had support before. (If you’d like more info, research and sources on this: click here.)

That means the majority of students who were supported for years are suddenly navigating without it. And for many, it comes down to this. They were never explicitly taught how to initiate or how to advocate for themselves. Two core executive function skills that need to be developed early; we cannot assume they will show up later.

The Uncomfortable Truth

This is where things get important.

In high school, many students are successful with support, which is why they get into outstanding colleges.

But that support often includes:

– reminders to start

– help breaking tasks down

- extended time on assignments and tests

-in many cases, modifications

– monitoring progress

– adult-driven follow-through

Over time, the environment can begin to carry the executive functioning load. And when that happens without a plan to gradually transfer responsibility, those skills don’t actually develop. Executive function is built through supported practice, not by having things done for a child. If support stays adult-driven instead of shifting toward independence, the brain doesn’t get the repetitions it needs to learn how to initiate, plan, and follow through on its own.

Why Early Understanding Matters

This is why teaching children about their diagnosis early matters so much. And we need to teach it in a way that gives them real understanding of how their brain works, why certain tasks feel harder, and what actually helps them get started and follow through. When children are included in this process, they begin to recognize what support looks like and how to use it, rather than passively just receiving it. Over time, this builds awareness, language, and ownership. Because eventually, no one else will be there to explain it for them or step in at the right moment. And when students understand their own brain, there is a noticeable shift. They become less dependent on waiting for direction and more aware of what they need, how to access it, and how to take action on their own.

This is where executive function coaching has been especially impactful in my work, because students, particularly in middle school and early high school, begin to understand themselves more clearly and gradually shift from relying on adults to starting to ask for support, communicate with teachers, and take a more active role in their own learning. Learn more about Igniting Your Mind EF Coaching here.

The Shift That Actually Needs to Happen

The goal of support is not just access.

It’s ownership.

Support should do two things at the same time:

1. Help your child perform now

2. Prepare your child to perform later without it

That requires something most plans don’t explicitly build in:

A gradual transfer from adult prompts - to tools - to internal strategies.

Without that, support can unintentionally create dependence and I see this happening all the time.

If you’re reading this and realizing your child still relies heavily on reminders, prompting, or external structure to get started, you’re not alone.

This is incredibly common.

Below, I’m going to walk through exactly what prompt dependence looks like, how to fade support without pulling it too quickly, and how to build real independence before your child leaves high school.

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In today’s fast-paced world, mindfulness and meditation are often touted as powerful tools to alleviate stress, anxiety, and enhance well-being.

However, it’s essential to recognize that not every child may find comfort or solace in traditional mindfulness practices. For some children, particularly those who have experienced trauma or are dealing with other challenges, the idea of sitting still and focusing inward might evoke discomfort or even more anxiety than they already have. In this article, we’ll delve into how trauma and various issues can impact a child’s ability to engage in mindfulness and meditation. We’ll also explore a range of alternative activities that can provide similar benefits for anxious students and kids.

Understanding the Impact of Trauma and Other Issues:

Hyperarousal and Hypervigilance:

Children who have experienced trauma might have heightened levels of hyperarousal and hypervigilance, making it difficult for them to sit still and relax. Mindfulness practices that involve quiet contemplation may trigger their fight-or-flight response.

Avoidance and Dissociation:

Trauma survivors might use avoidance as a coping mechanism, steering clear of situations or activities that remind them of their traumatic experiences. Meditation can feel too overwhelming, potentially leading to dissociation or emotional distress.

Negative Self-Perception:

Children dealing with low self-esteem or negative self-perception might struggle with self-compassion, a key component of mindfulness. Facing their thoughts and emotions directly through meditation could reinforce negative beliefs about themselves.

High Sensitivity:

Some children possess heightened sensory awareness, which might make them more susceptible to being overwhelmed during mindfulness practices. The quiet and stillness can intensify their sensitivity, leading to discomfort.

Attention Difficulties:

Children with attention-related issues may find it challenging to sustain focus during mindfulness exercises, leading to frustration and discouragement.

Executive Functioning Weaknesses:

Students who lack executive function skills may encounter challenges when attempting meditation. These difficulties often stem from issues with focus, attention, self-regulation, working memory, and inhibition. Initiating and sustaining the practice, setting up a suitable environment, and managing time can also pose obstacles. Moreover, weak self-awareness, limited flexibility, and feelings of anxiety or overwhelm can further hinder their ability to engage effectively in meditation. For these students, alternative strategies that accommodate their unique needs and strengths can offer more accessible pathways to relaxation and well-being.

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Alternative Activities for Anxious Individuals

A range of alternative approaches exists to provide valuable support and treatment for anxiety. These alternatives recognize that individuals have diverse preferences and responses to various techniques.

Embracing a holistic perspective, many alternatives encompass practices that emphasize creativity, physical engagement, sensory experiences, and social interactions.

By acknowledging the diverse ways anxiety can be managed, these alternatives empower individuals to find approaches that resonate with their unique needs, fostering a sense of agency and control.

In this diverse landscape of anxiety management, there’s a vibrant array of strategies waiting to be discovered —each one weaving its own unique thread of support. Beyond the realm of mindfulness, these alternatives offer a range of possibilities, inviting individuals to embark on a personalized journey towards enhanced emotional well-being.

As parents, you have the opportunity to guide your child through this dynamic world of anxiety management, where creativity, engagement, and connection are the keys to unlocking a brighter, more empowered path forward.

Below is a link to access a printable version of many different alternatives to meditation and mindfulness. Feel free to download your complimentary copy and share with your children. Perhaps you can discover various options that can work to manage anxiety in different ways, too!

To get quick access to this freebie: click here!

In Conclusion

It’s crucial to recognize that every child is unique, and their comfort levels with mindfulness and meditation may vary widely. Trauma, anxiety, executive function weakness and other challenges can impact their ability to engage in these practices. As caring adults, we can offer a range of alternative activities that cater to their needs and preferences. By exploring these alternatives, we empower anxious students and kids to experience the benefits of mindfulness in ways that resonate with them, promoting autonomy, ownership, buy-in, emotional well-being and self-discovery.

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Thank you for reading! If this was helpful, consider a review here.

If you would like to learn more about anxiety and how it relates to executive function weakness, feel free to reach out! I am always here to answer questions and support you and your children on their learning journey.

Schedule a Discovery Call

Check out our other resources here!

The Science Behind Family Meetings

Numerous studies have demonstrated the positive effects of involving children in decision-making processes. When children actively participate in family meetings, they develop a sense of autonomy, responsibility, and ownership over their choices. This “skin in the game” empowers them to make better decisions and builds their confidence in navigating life’s challenges.

When children feel valued and heard within the family unit, their behavior improves both in the presence of their parents and when unsupervised. This validation and inclusion create a nurturing environment where children feel secure, loved, and respected. This aspect of family meetings is crucial for their overall growth, emotional well-being, and development of vital life skills.

Now that we understand a little more on the science behind family meetings and their positive impact on children’s development, let’s explore some practical agenda options that can make these meetings engaging and effective. By incorporating these agenda items, you can create a structured framework that promotes communication, problem-solving, and personal growth within your family.

Creating a Family Meeting Agenda

To ensure productive family meetings, it’s important to have a well-structured agenda. Here’s a breakdown of what you can include:

Topics of Discussion:

Dedicate time to address any concerns, new rules, or issues that arose during the previous week. This section promotes open communication and problem-solving within the family. For example, you could discuss strategies to manage sibling conflicts or establish rules for screen time usage.

Calendar:

Discuss upcoming events, holidays, extracurricular activities, and even date nights. This part of the agenda helps parents align their schedules and minimizes conflicts. Discussing upcoming events during family meetings creates a sense of predictability and routine for children who may struggle with transitions or uncertainty, providing them with a greater sense of security and stability.

Word of the Week:

Select a new word to learn and discuss its meaning as a family. Encourage your children to incorporate the word into their daily conversations, fostering their vocabulary and communication skills. You can even get creative with it and make a “Jar of Jargon” - put an item (pasta, pennies, paper clips) in the jar every time you hear a family member using the word correctly in a sentence and when the jar is full you can have a pizza or ice cream party! (Bonus points for taking turns picking the word, but also consider letting you child have say in choosing the incentive/reward)

Skill of the Week:

Assign each family member a skill they would like to work on. This could include anger management, active listening, maintaining a healthy lifestyle or skills like cooking a planned dinner or learning to do laundry. Once a skill has been selected, guide the family in creating a plan to work on it throughout the week. Discuss specific actions, resources, or strategies that can be implemented to develop and improve the chosen skill. Encourage family members to set individual goals and identify opportunities for support and accountability within the family. By focusing on personal growth, you create a supportive environment for everyone to develop essential life skills.

Something Nice:

Take turns expressing appreciation for one another. Encourage family members to share specific actions or qualities they admire, fostering a positive and loving atmosphere. This can feel a little forced at first, but it is because families aren’t used to doing this regularly. In time, this will get much easier.

Fun Activity:

End the meeting with a game or engage in a fun activity together. This promotes bonding and strengthens the family unit. Whether its a Tic-Tac-Toe Tournament or a short game of Uno and Hangman, these kinds of experiences will be remembers much more than gifts purchased once your children are grown.

Additional Agenda Items

You can customize your family meeting agenda by including items below that best suit the unique needs and interests of your family.

Challenges and Solutions:

• Address individual or family-related challenges and brainstorm solutions together. Always remember to allow your children to be heard and validate those feelings as a way to promote openness and communication during difficult conversations.

Concerns for Others in the Family:

• Create space for family members to express their worries and provide support.

Meal Planning:

• Involve everyone in deciding meals for the week, encouraging a sense of ownership and variety.

Open Discussion:

• Allocate time for family members to share any thoughts or concerns they have on their minds.

Things to Celebrate/Things to Fix:

• Acknowledge achievements or exciting events while also finding solutions for any problems that arose.

Discipline Tools and Strategies:

• Introduce new expectations or discuss approaches to handle certain situations effectively. Be clear and concise and always allow your children to speak on behalf of these new expectations, but hold the line, be authoritative and reciprocal.

Conversation Starters:

• Use fun questions to spark engaging discussions and gain insights into each other’s perspectives.

Something Good and Something Bad:

• Reflect on positive and negative experiences from the previous week, fostering gratitude and problem-solving skills.

Service or Acts of Kindness:

• Encourage empathy and compassion by engaging in charitable acts or volunteering as a family.

Conclusion

Implementing regular family meetings can transform your household into a nurturing environment where children learn valuable life skills, feel empowered, and develop strong relationships. By following a structured agenda and involving every family member, you create opportunities for growth, communication, and fun. Remember, these meetings not only benefit your children but also foster a positive and harmonious family dynamic. Start implementing family meetings today and witness the positive impact they have on your household.

Additional Reading:

https://www.rootsofaction.com/family-meetings/

https://joyfullifemagazine.com/importance-of-a-family-meeting/

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If you’re seeking support with parenting or organizing family meetings, please don’t hesitate to reach out. We are here to offer assistance, guidance, coaching, and additional resources to help you create a supportive and proactive household environment for your family. Together, we can navigate the challenges and joys of parenting and promote a positive family dynamic.

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One commonly overlooked factor is breathing.

A deviated septum, or any structural blockage in the nasal airway, can reduce the ability to breathe efficiently through the nose. While this does not directly cause ADHD, it can influence sleep quality, oxygen intake, and overall brain function.

And that’s where the overlap begins.

The Sleep Connection

Sleep is one of the most important regulators of attention, emotional control, and cognitive performance.

When breathing is compromised, especially during sleep, the body often compensates through mouth breathing. This can lead to disrupted sleep cycles, more frequent awakenings, and less time spent in deeper, restorative stages of sleep.

Over time, this creates a pattern of low-quality rest.

And the brain pays for that during the day.

You may start to see:

• Difficulty sustaining attention

• Increased distractibility

• Irritability or emotional reactivity

• Mental fatigue

• Reduced frustration tolerance

These symptoms strongly overlap with ADHD, which can make it difficult to distinguish between the two.

What Research Shows

This overlap has been studied for years and I was so surprised that I had never heard about it until recently.

Research examining children with chronic mouth breathing and sleep disturbances found a significant relationship between disrupted sleep and symptoms commonly associated with ADHD, including inattention, fatigue, and behavioral challenges.

In some cases, researchers noted that children with sleep-related breathing issues were being misidentified as having ADHD because the outward behaviors look so similar.

There is also evidence showing that when underlying breathing issues are treated, improvements can be seen in behavioral and emotional outcomes, further reinforcing the connection between physiological regulation and attention.

Two Paths That Can Look the Same

ADHD is a neurodevelopmental condition that affects how the brain regulates attention, impulse control, and executive function.

Breathing-related sleep disruption is physiological, but it can create a brain state that mimics those same challenges.

From the outside, both can look like:

• Lack of focus

• Avoidance of tasks

• Emotional dysregulation

• Inconsistent performance

But the underlying causes may be very different.

And sometimes, they coexist.

What to Pay Attention To

There are a few patterns that may signal it’s worth exploring beyond attention alone:

-Frequent mouth breathing during the day or night
-Snoring or restless sleep
-Waking up tired despite adequate hours of sleep
-A noticeable decline in focus or regulation as the day progresses

These are often indicators that the brain may not be getting the quality sleep and oxygen it needs to function efficiently. If you have a child, don’t be afraid to ask their teachers what they are seeing day to day.

When attention is viewed only through a behavioral or cognitive lens, important physiological contributors can be missed.

And when that happens, support may focus on managing symptoms rather than addressing underlying factors.

Attention is not just about effort.
It is deeply tied to sleep, oxygen, and overall regulation.

Where to Start

If this feels familiar, it may be worth exploring support from a medical provider who can assess airway function, breathing patterns, and sleep quality.

Because sometimes, when you support the body first…
the brain starts to follow.

If you want to continue learning more about this, check out these research articles.

Sleep Difficulties and Symptoms of Attention-deficit Hyperactivity Disorder in Children with Mouth Breathing

Patient Outcomes following Septoplasty in Patients with Attention-deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder

ADD/ADHD & Pediatric Sleep-Disordered Breathing

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Thanks for reading. Feel free to access my other resources here. If you’d like to learn more about parent training or executive function coaching, please consider signing up for a Discovery Call.

With Gratitude,

Nicole Rouleau

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That is a lot for any brain to manage, especially a developing one.

When students struggle in math, the first instinct is often to look at skill gaps. Are they missing basic math facts? Do they understand fractions and decimals? Are they struggling with multi-step problem solving? Parents and teachers are quick to hire math tutors or get students into remediation and learning support classes.

Modern assessment tools such as iReady or MAP (Measures of Academic Progress) help teachers pinpoint exactly where those academic gaps exist. These tools can reveal whether a student is struggling with computation, conceptual understanding, or application through word problems. They can also show how far below grade level a student may be performing.

That information is incredibly valuable.

But it does not always tell the whole story.

Sometimes the difficulty is not just about math knowledge. It is about how the brain manages the thinking required to do math.

The Hidden Role of Executive Function in Math

A growing body of neuropsychological research shows that students who struggle with math often have weaknesses in executive function skills.

Executive function refers to the brain processes that help us manage attention, hold information in mind, shift between strategies, and monitor our own thinking.

Studies have consistently found links between executive function and math achievement. Research by Blair and Razza (2007) found that executive function skills in early childhood predict later academic outcomes in both math and literacy. Similarly, Bull, Espy, and Wiebe (2008) found that working memory and other executive processes in preschool strongly predicted mathematical performance by age seven.

In other words, the brain skills that support learning may matter just as much as the math content itself.

Three executive function areas appear most closely tied to math performance:

• Attention
• Working memory
• Mental flexibility

Let’s take a closer look at what that actually means in the classroom.

Attention: The Entry Point to Learning

Students can only solve problems if they are able to attend to them in the first place.

Math problems often require students to read instructions carefully, identify the relevant information, and ignore extra details that are not needed. This is particularly true with word problems, where multiple pieces of information compete for attention.

Students who struggle with attention may miss key instructions or become overwhelmed by too much information at once.

Neuropsychologist Dr. Mark Mahone often reminds educators that emotion is the gatekeeper to attention. When students feel anxious, frustrated, or disconnected from the task, their attention can quickly disappear.

This is why engagement matters so much in math instruction. When students see math connected to their world, their brains are more likely to stay engaged.

Teachers can support attention by:

• Providing instructions in multiple formats such as written directions, verbal explanations, and visual examples
• Keeping directions visible during the activity so students can reference them
• Helping students highlight or annotate important information in problems
• Using guiding questions that help students decide which details matter
• Modeling how to think through a problem and identify key information

These supports reduce confusion and help students focus their attention on what matters most.

Working Memory: The Brain’s Mental Workspace

Working memory is the brain’s temporary holding space for information.

When students solve a math problem, they must hold new information in mind while simultaneously retrieving what they already know. For example, a student might read a word problem, remember the quantities involved, recall the procedure for subtraction, and carry out the calculation all at once.

Working memory allows those steps to happen together.

The challenge is that working memory has limits. It can easily become overloaded, especially as math problems become longer or involve multiple steps.

When working memory becomes overwhelmed, students may forget instructions, lose track of their steps, or abandon strategies midway through a problem.

This does not mean they lack ability. It often means their cognitive workspace is simply full.

Research on automatic information processing suggests that when basic skills become automatic, they require less cognitive effort. That frees up mental capacity for more complex thinking (LaBerge & Samuels, 1974).

In math, this is why automaticity with math facts matters. If a student must count on fingers to solve 8 + 7, their working memory is already occupied before they even begin solving the larger problem.

Teachers can support working memory by:

• Encouraging students to reference notes instead of memorizing every step
• Modeling how to annotate problems to reduce the amount of information students must hold in mind
• Providing task lists or procedural guides
• Offering vocabulary sheets for common math terms
• Allowing calculators or multiplication charts during higher-level problem solving when math facts are not the focus

These supports reduce cognitive load and allow students to focus on the thinking required for the problem.

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Mental Flexibility: The Ability to Adjust Thinking

Mathematical thinking also requires mental flexibility.

Students must consider different strategies, evaluate whether their answer makes sense, and adjust their approach if they make a mistake.

This kind of flexible thinking is not automatic. Many students need to be explicitly taught how to reflect on their work and adapt their strategies.

One powerful instructional method comes from the concept of cognitive apprenticeship (Collins, Brown, & Holum, 1991). In this approach, teachers make their thinking visible by modeling the internal dialogue that happens during problem solving.

For example, a teacher might say:

“I see two numbers here. I am wondering whether this is an addition problem or subtraction. Let me look again at what the question is asking.”

When students hear this kind of thinking aloud, they begin to understand how problem solvers evaluate options and adjust their thinking.

Teachers can support mental flexibility by:

• Modeling problem solving while thinking aloud
• Encouraging students to discuss multiple solution strategies
• Reflecting on incorrect answers to examine how thinking can change
• Having students explain their reasoning to peers

These practices help students develop the ability to evaluate and revise their thinking.

Why Fluency Still Matters

While executive function skills play a major role in math achievement, foundational skills still matter.

Students benefit from developing fluency with math facts and operations. When basic calculations become automatic, they require less mental effort. That creates room for higher-level reasoning and problem solving.

Think of it as freeing up cognitive bandwidth.

When the brain does not have to spend energy recalling basic facts, it can devote more resources to understanding concepts, choosing strategies, and checking for accuracy.

Fluency and executive function work together.

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A Different Way to Think About Math Struggles

When a student struggles in math, the conversation often focuses only on content gaps.

But math performance is influenced by a complex interaction between knowledge, cognitive processes, and learning experiences.

A student may understand the concept yet struggle to hold all the steps in mind. Another may lose focus halfway through a problem. Someone else may know the answer but struggle to evaluate whether their strategy makes sense.

Looking at math through the lens of executive function helps educators and parents recognize that difficulty in math is not always about intelligence or effort.

Sometimes it is about the brain skills that support learning.

The encouraging news is that executive function skills can be supported through thoughtful instruction and intentional scaffolding.

With the right supports in place, students can strengthen both their math understanding and the thinking skills that help them use it.

And when that happens, math starts to feel a lot more manageable.

Thanks for reading! If you’d like to learn more about executive function and how Igniting Your Mind helps students gain competence and confidence in Math, check out our Website.

References

Blair, C., & Razza, R. P. (2007). Relating effortful control, executive function, and false belief understanding to emerging math and literacy ability in kindergarten. Child Development, 78(2), 647–663.

Bull, R., Espy, K. A., & Wiebe, S. A. (2008). Short-term memory, working memory, and executive functioning in preschoolers: Longitudinal predictors of mathematical achievement at age 7 years. Developmental Neuropsychology, 33(3), 205–228.

Collins, A., Brown, J. S., & Holum, A. (1991). Cognitive apprenticeship: Making thinking visible. American Educator, 6, 38–46.

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