Don’t get me wrong, it hasn’t just stopped. I’m actively shifting my world, my perspective, and my reaction to my thoughts. I was tired of being controlled by the fear of what hasn’t even happened yet.

I had been watching podcasts, reading, meditating, etc., and messages like “surrender,” “release control,” “let go & let God,” kept coming to me. We’ve all heard these words before, but they hit different when your mindset starts to expand and your heart starts to open.

Here’s some insight on what has been helping me with this shift:

1. Seriously though, I let go & let God.

What does that mean? It means I simply try my best without forcing or being attached to a specific outcome. I let the ultimate decision be God’s decision (this can apply to who or whatever you believe in). I literally say to myself, “It’s not even up to me, I’m letting God choose!”

Think of it like putting a quarter into a gumball machine. You don’t know what color you’re going to get, you can’t decide which one you want, the gumball machine decides, and you get what you get! Sometimes it’s the one you wanted, sometimes it’s not. Your only job was to put the quarter in.

It’s simply acceptance. I’ve done my job; how it unfolds is not in my control. And honestly, it’s so freeing to absolve myself of that responsibility. It gives me the capacity to focus on other things and to release worry and apprehension. It’s so much better for my nervous system.

2. I write daily.

I have a regular old notebook, and I just write down things. My thoughts, divine messages, quotes, anything. I started a practice of writing down five things I’m grateful for every day, which has been keeping me grounded.

I’ve rarely kept a consistent journal over the years, but recent shifts paired with less doom-scrolling compel me to write much more. A notebook I’ve had for a year has been filling up quickly.

One night, I wrote a letter of gratitude to God for blessing me with everything I’ve been praying for. I found it to be a powerful visualization tool. The more I can clearly see my future life, the more I can appreciate what is in front of me. I know it only gets better from here, I know what’s coming. I can find comfort in that.

3. I don’t automatically believe my anxiety.

When I feel the anxious feelings come up, I tell them to go away. I realize it’s some kind of fear, and I try to trace that fear back to its origin. I ask myself what I’m afraid of and if that fear is rooted in evidence. A lot of times it’s not; it’s just me trying to piece together a story to believe.

Even if my thought is true, what can I do about it, and will that rid me of the anxiety? What has brought me the most peace is surrendering in those moments and leaning on divine guidance.

Fear is useful sometimes, but it’s not meant to be kept. Fear raises cortisol levels. If that level stays high, it can cause problems (high blood pressure, a weakened immune system, etc.) since your body is constantly in “stress mode.” Surrendering is one of the best things I can do for myself in a time where so much responsibility is placed on our shoulders.

As with everything, this is a practice that takes time, repetition, and intention. Growing my personal relationship with God and my spirituality has been serving me so well, so that makes it easier to make better choices every day.

My life has shifted so much in a short span of time. The energy feels different. I know that’s divine favor lifting me up. It’s a feeling I get to feel daily, and I’m so grateful because it makes everything alright.

It’s fair to say I take my livelihood seriously, but I take my happiness even more seriously. When working a 9-5 began to take a toll on my mental & physical health, I devised an exit plan. Thankfully, I escaped & went into being a creative full time.

I’m grateful that I was able to fully transition into work I love doing, but it’s not easy. They say becoming a creator is trading your 9-5 for a 24/7… that’s accurate. Although it’s much more fulfilling to work for myself, there are some things I miss about having a “real job.”

Here’s how I’d personally compare the pros & cons of each:

1. Schedule

9-5: Someone else sets your hours.
Creator: You decide when you work.

There’s nothing like being able to create your own schedule. Working when you want to work, & not working when you don’t is so freeing. I don’t have to worry about switching shifts with someone, having enough PTO, or reaching a certain amount of hours. I simply do what I need to do when I feel like doing it.

But I will say deciding when you work takes discipline. It’s so easy to say, “I don’t feel like doing anything today,” & sometimes that’s totally fine, other times it’s not. Fortunately, I enjoy my creative work, so I look forward to it!

Do I miss having to be at work at 5AM several days a week? No. But I do miss knowing when I’m going to work, for how long, & that my hours worked would directly be reflected in my paycheck.

Which brings me to my next point…

2. Income

9-5: Predictable paycheck.
Creator: Income can fluctuate.

The certainty of a paycheck is probably what I miss the most about having a 9-5. I worked my hours, & I’d get paid. If I wanted to make more, I could work more hours. Every so often, I’d get a raise, & even a bonus sometimes.

The security of a paycheck is unmatched.

Being a creator is so much more complicated than that. You have to figure out how to be paid from your work & you usually need to tap into several lanes to be able to make something significant (ad revenue, memberships, subscriptions, sponsorships, etc.).

Mind you, these things fluctuate. Numbers go up & down & your interests change. For example, I retired from deejaying & my income shifted significantly. It’s a process of trying & failing, trial & error, seeing what sticks & what doesn’t.

It’s exciting when something does prove itself to be worth your effort, but I miss knowing what I’m making & how much. It’s an underrated luxury.

3. Benefits

9-5: Health insurance, PTO, retirement, etc.
Creator: You have to figure that shit out yourself.

I had a good 9-5 with great benefits. I miss having cheap, valuable insurance; now I have to pay out of pocket for it.

And it’s like, how can I even be thinking about retirement? I’m thinking about RIGHT NOW!

We definitely take benefits for granted & sometimes we don’t see how much of a luxury it is to have them. In the meantime, I just try to make sure I don’t get hurt too bad or sick too much, ’cause these “Affordable” Care Act plans ain’t doing nothing for me.

4. Taxes

9-5: Taxes are automatically taken out of your paycheck.
Creator: You are responsible for setting aside money & paying your own taxes.

Surprise! You’ve been working your ass off to create a sustainable life through your art, now 30% of your income will be used to pay taxes.

Taxes are WILD, y’all & I’m gonna leave it right there ’cause I don’t even wanna talk about ’em… 😭

5. Freedom

9-5: Limited by someone else’s policies.
Creator: A ridiculous amount of freedom.

One of the main reasons why I don’t like working a 9-5 is that I cannot stand someone telling me what to do. I can welcome constructive criticism, a kind request, etc., but an order or a command will never sit right with me.

I don’t know if it’s just a me thing or what, but my freedom is that important to me.

A 9-5 will have you doing shit that makes absolutely no sense to the job itself. Sometimes it feels like it’s all about power. I despise feeling controlled, my need for autonomy is dire, & there’d be times I’d simply rebel, just ’cause.

Not a good combo for working under someone.

Even when I was deejaying, once I felt like people were too comfortable telling DJs how to do their job, I decided it wasn’t for me anymore.

Being a creator has allowed me to have an invaluable amount of freedom & I wouldn’t trade that for anything.

6. Coworkers

9-5: Built-in social interaction.
Creator: You work alone.

Honestly, each of these dynamics has its perks. There are lots of amazing people I met while working a 9-5. I’ve developed lifelong friendships with some, but there was always an abundance of people I didn’t get along with, especially considering my problem with authority.

Having to take instruction from people I didn’t truly have respect for was pain! Being obligated to be around folks who didn’t have respect for me was pain!

I simply couldn’t do it anymore.

Working for myself & doing it the way I wanted to set me free, but also made me a bit of a hermit for a while. To be honest, I’m not mad at it. I learned a lot while ostracizing myself (lol) & now I get to choose with whom I want to create & work.

The list is a short one, but the free rein is priceless.

7. Work-Life Balance

9-5: You can clock out.
Creator: There’s always something else you could be doing.

There is nothing like clocking out after a shift & saying, “Whatever happens after this don’t got shit to do with me…”

When you’re a content creator, there’s always a task you could be working on. A post to be made, a video to be recorded, an email to be answered. It can be exhausting if you let it.

I personally have dealt with this by eliminating as many obligations as I could, & also saying, “I don’t have a boss, I’m on no one’s deadline, it’ll get done when I decide to do it.”

Luckily, I can do that.

The constant need to check my phone got exhausting, so I changed some things. Some creators choose not to have that much freedom in order to make more income, & I get it! Having a 9-5 makes leaving everything behind a bit easier.

So, would I go back?

HELL NAW.

I have fully accepted the trade-off of security for autonomy. I can say that I completely understand why being a creator or business owner isn’t for everyone. It’s not a one-size-fits-all type of thing.

I’m eternally grateful that I have been able to sustain enough income to live fairly comfortably, even though there are ups & downs. Source/God/Universe has continued to provide, as I keep pushing forward.

My advice: make your happiness the priority & do what works best for your lifestyle.

The truth was & is, we all get angry. Anger isn’t a bad thing. It’s normal, it’s a natural human emotion that all of us experience & a part of our body’s response to threats. Getting angry at times is inevitable, but how we process, channel, & control our anger is the true test.

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Before I begin, I want to say that this is simply my personal experience with manifestation & the practices that have worked for me. Take what resonates, leave what doesn’t, & allow yourself to create rituals that feel authentic to you.

The different ways in which I’ve used manifestation have varied, but the core principles stay the same. Manifestation is a balance of holding on & letting go. It’s less about being specific in your ask & more about being clear in your intention. Opening yourself up to the idea that your desires may come in a different form than you expected is a vital part of how it functions.

Here are some tips I’d give based on my personal experience. (I’ve attached some simple journal prompts & a manifestation roadmap at the end to help you reach your goals) :

1. “Faith without works is dead.”

Your desires will simply not come to fruition if you do nothing to act on them. Manifestation isn’t just about wishful thinking; it’s about setting an intention & seeing what steps you can actively take to inch toward that goal. Source rewards effort, not complacency. Be optimistic & deliberate on your journey, & you’ll reap the benefits without question.

2. Detach from a specific outcome & stay open.

If your desires are extremely niche & precise, you may miss out on opportunities that allow your dreams to come true. I’ll give an example. Say you want to manifest a bag of chips, but you’re set on Classic Lays. You could be ignoring the bag of Utz Original Potato Chips sitting right in front of you because you’re so hyper-focused on it being Lays.

The Utz chips could be just as good, maybe even better. Same product, different form.

Let go of aesthetics; they just block the energy. Allow yourself to be open enough to consider that there are a variety of ways for your wishes to become reality.

3. Focus on the feeling.

This relates to the previous point. Focus on how you want to feel during your manifestation rituals. When you think about it, that’s the whole point of manifesting anyway. We want to curate our world so we can be comfortable in it, so we can feel safe & secure in our lives.

When you do your visualizations, meditations, & say your affirmations, create images in your mind of how your future looks so you can feel it in your heart. Picture yourself as if you’re already there & this is already your life. You’ll be surprised at how those feelings show up in the real world.

4. Don’t underestimate the power of pen & paper.

Write, write, write.

Jot down affirmations, journal, write down words or phrases that you feel are important, pen letters to your future self. The energy of writing is so powerful. I’d recommend setting aside at least a few minutes a day to do so.

There are times I’ve gone back & read what I’ve written in the past, realizing that I basically drafted my future.

If you’re into it, you can write down Grabovoi codes or angel numbers, maybe while listening to Solfeggio frequencies. Writing can act as a physical anchor for your intentions & a record of the work you’ve done to obtain your desires.

5. Practice gratitude.

Practicing gratitude allows us to see how much we’ve already manifested & how blessed we already are. Many of us have the habit of reaching a goal & then moving the goalpost as we race toward the next one.

Don’t forget to be present. Be thankful for what you’ve already been given & give when you can to put out energy of abundance. There’s no prayer more powerful than that of gratitude.

6. Give it to Source & believe.

Once you’ve done your rituals, your prayers, whatever those practices are, let go & trust. When we obsess over when & how our desires will come, we can subconsciously create blocks as we try to force our way into our desired life.

Work on the power of knowing that, without a doubt, you will have exactly what you deserve in due time. Rushing helps nothing. It creates anxiety & chaos. Trust the process, enjoy the journey, & know that you have everything you need until then.

7. Make peace with “no.”

Some things are not meant for us, & that’s okay. If Source says no, we are simply being prepared for something bigger & better. “No” doesn’t mean stop, & it doesn’t mean “never.” It may simply suggest a pivot that is more aligned with your path. Keep trusting that what’s meant for you will be revealed to you.

Ultimately, find the rituals that work for you & keep using them. Even when you think you’re so close that you can stop, maintaining a steady practice will keep your vibration high & magnetic.

Remember your reason why, lead with the heart, trust the Source, & you will have.

How I’m Getting Out of the House & Off My Phone

I am a generally happy person. I live a good life with purpose. I have meaningful relationships & hobbies that I enjoy. My life is not in lack. Even so, I’m guilty of doing a lot of scrolling. I always felt it was justified because of how much work I get done on a regular basis. What’s the harm in scrolling if I’m done with the things I needed to do?

Recently, it hit me that my relationship with my phone could be blocking opportunities for real-life connection & openness. I’ve come to the realization that my phone has had more control over me, & more of my attention, than anything else in my life, & I’m ready to break the cycle.

Understanding that my phone is so influential over my thinking, mood, habits, decisions, etc., has inspired me to rebel against it. As you could imagine, this is seemingly difficult for a content creator. My phone is a tool, a business tracker, a way to communicate, to market myself, & all these things, but I can’t help but feel like my mind is constantly clouded with information. It’s like flipping through the TV channels really fast & never really settling on one thing to watch at a time.

When I’m on my phone a lot, I feel tired—a unique kind of tired, mentally exhausted maybe. Riddled with societal “norms,” dos & don’ts, five steps to this, ten ways to that. It’s not all bad, it’s just... TOO MUCH.

I couldn’t figure out if I was curating my algorithm or if it was curating me.

I started longing for real connection, for more experiences, but how? After becoming an awkward hermit, how could I fix it? I decided it’s time to go outside & do stuff... scary! But one thing I’m learning about life is that fear is debilitating, & so much is rooted in fear. Fear of embarrassment, fear of failure, fear of rejection, etc., has kept many of us from trying, & social media just exacerbates the anxiety.

Nevertheless, this calling to be outside & in the vicinity of others kept growing. So, I leaned in.

Here’s what I’ve done differently so far:

I go places I’ve never been before.

One of the things that kept me inside was the feeling that I knew everyone already. It sounds silly to say out loud, but I was so used to being around the same folks, I forgot there are people out there who have no idea I exist! So going out meant finding places where I could be amongst new faces. Familiar faces sprinkled in is okay, but the excitement of going out, for me, is that I may have a conversation with a stranger, & it has happened 90% of the time. Contrary to what I used to think, it’s fun. It’s not scary. I actually enjoy it.

I get ready & put on an outfit almost daily.

Putting on an outfit, doing my hair, & a little makeup does a lot for my desire to leave the house. When I feel like I look good, I want to go somewhere. Lately, I try to go somewhere every day, even if it’s just the grocery store or taking a walk. It’s something. It feels so much better than rotting on the couch.

I’m a summer baby, so my only concern right now is how I’m going to keep the momentum in the colder months. But even if I end up going out a bit less, I still plan to prioritize it as much as I can.

Limiting social media use at home.

One of my friends told me he doesn’t get on social media at home, which was so surprising to me because that’s when I’m on it the most! I had some reflection after hearing him say this & decided to try my own version of it: only getting on social media to post & engage for a few minutes, then getting off.

It’s so strange how we think we’re missing something when we’re not on our phones 24/7. Let me tell you, we’re really not! A like, a comment, a message, a friend’s post, a funny reel can wait till tomorrow or whenever I feel like it! Having hours between phone time has shown me it was more of a habit than a necessity. I now view screen time as part of my job, not my social responsibility.

Leaning more into hobbies & quiet time.

Do you ever do nothing? I mean just sit there with no noise, no entertainment. It’s like a cleanse. After appreciating the silence or peace around you, opening the apps again feels overstimulating. It’s loud & it’s fast. The silence allows you to slow down.

I’ve started noticing how the days feel longer when I don’t spend so much time on my phone. I thought it would make me less productive, but it has made me more efficient. My mind is clear, so ideas can come to me more easily, & my time is spent more wisely. I can get things done on a proper schedule & then go engage in my favorite hobbies because I’m not working till 11 P.M. at night. I can get better rest because I’m not looking at the screen as much, then get up early to go do something else. It all comes together.

I look & feel more open.

One thing I’ve found out is that people will absolutely talk to you if your demeanor feels open & safe. As I mentioned earlier, I’ve had conversations with strangers almost every time I’ve gone out—debates too—but it’s all in fun.

Part of being a human is being around other humans & connecting with one another. I’m fighting to maintain the social skills that I have. I’ve learned that I am fully capable of having conversations with people, even small talk. Yes, it may be a little awkward sometimes, but that’s also part of the human experience, & it’s okay.

All in all, reemerging from my lair has been freeing & exhilarating. I look forward to my adventures & take pleasure in my quests. One thing I do know: it’s a practice, a muscle to be built, so I’ll keep pushing forward & putting the phone down.

I’m excited to see where it leads me.

I know that’s a lot of speculation from a 30-second clip, but it makes me feel sad to think about the people who will not attend a class because that is their perception of yoga. Yoga should be inclusive, but for the most part, it’s not. Whether you’re a student or teacher, not looking like a Lululemon ad will have you feeling like you don’t belong, & being treated differently is the cherry on top.

When I did my teacher training at a local studio, although it wasn’t the most diverse, teaching modifications was framed as an essential part of being a great yoga instructor. My classes included many different types of people, ranging in age, body type, & experience level. I assumed all classes were like this because that’s all I knew.

After completing my training, I eventually began hosting my own classes to bring diversity into the local yoga realm. Seeing a room of Black & Brown faces made me feel rooted in my purpose, & my students always showed gratitude for the space. I’ve continued to teach this way as the years have passed, & I’m repeatedly shocked by the horror stories of other classes & instructors shared with me by my students.

One person told me they were once in a class where they were laughed at for requesting a modification. Another person, a Black student, described how excluded & poorly treated they were during a yoga teacher training. I also have lots of people tell me how nervous they were to come to a live class because they didn’t know what to expect or because of unpleasant prior experiences.

It’s disappointing, to say the least, but not shocking. I knew when I started this work that, generally, the wellness scene’s priority isn’t inclusivity. That’s why I created a space for the outliers—for those who were turned away or who turned around because they didn’t feel seen.

“Yoga is for EVERY BODY.”

Where there is not a safe place for us, we can create one. If a teacher cannot prioritize creating a sacred space where everyone feels welcome, that’s something they will have to deal with spiritually.

I’ve taught various body types & races throughout my career. I can say with confidence that I’ve successfully led many classes with attendees in wheelchairs, students with amputated limbs, & elderly folks. I’ve created videos for bed-bound yogis with limited mobility, easy chair yoga, standing yoga for people who may not be able to get up & down off the floor easily, supine yoga, & more.

It’s imperative, in my eyes, that people know yoga is for EVERY BODY. Even if all you are able to do is one breath, yoga is STILL for you.

My dear yogis, please go where you are seen & included. If that space is your room, watching your favorite yoga channel on your phone, that’s plenty. Any class that disturbs your nervous system is not a class worth attending.

Teachers, learn modifications & treat everyone with respect & hospitality. It’s not that hard. Be the class that’s different—the class that each person walks out of feeling like they gained something.

We can raise the world’s vibration one breath at a time, because we sure as hell need it.

We are constantly presented with information & scenarios that make our blood boil. It can often be small things depending on what type of person you are. But take note that anger raises cortisol (stress hormone) levels which causes inflammation & a compromised immune system. It causes weight gain too. Working on your anger is a tough job, but we all have to start somewhere. 2 minutes of breathwork a day can help you start to break the cycle, & put the phone down. Spend some time not knowing what’s going on, it’s actually peaceful.

2. Relationships are supposed to make you look & feel BETTER.

This is not an unreasonable thought, right? Why be in a relationship that has you looking like hell? Relationships should add to our lives, not take away from them. They shouldn’t be so extremely stressful that we can’t function as our best selves. Yes, there are ups & downs, but generally we should feel a sense of ease & safety within a companion. Don’t give so much power to a relationship that you lose yourself, your spark, & what makes you special. Self-love is the best love, everything else comes after that.

3. Ain’t no handouts, get yo ass up & get to work.

There are so many ways to make money, I simply don’t understand the concept of thinking it’s just going to fall in your lap. Having talent and/or skill isn’t enough on its own, you must have drive, discipline, & consistency. Get out of the mindset of immediate gratification, & step into the mindset of building a foundation. Small steps add up to big leaps, but you’ll never get ahead by standing still. It’s more likely that you get paid for a service you provide, or great art you create, rather than the money fairy coming down & blessing you simply because you think you deserve it. Don’t be lazy!

4. You can't welcome healthy relationships while clinging to old resentment.

We love to say we’ve moved on, but a lot of us cling to the pain of past relationships, still shocked that someone could’ve done what they did. It’s easier said than done, but we have to let the bitterness dissolve. When we replay these old scenarios, we’re just reintroducing the trauma & building more walls for people to climb. Forgiveness is crucial. It doesn’t mean excusing the person for what they’ve done, it means moving forward & deciding that it’s no longer your problem. Let it go & let fate handle it so that your heart can be open to trying again with someone new.

5. Stop collecting information & start collecting experience.

There is no “right time” nor “perfect circumstances”. You either start, or you don’t. I’m often guilty of feeling like I have to have everything in place before starting a new venture, but it’s proven time & time again, there are people who do a lot more with a lot less. The only foolproof way to learn is through experience, then as time goes on, you develop your own method. You keep the things that work for you, & toss the rest. It’s good to study & be prepared, but I always learn the most by doing. Sometimes you just gotta get in the field.

I’ve learned so many lessons over the past year, six months, even two weeks about dating more intentionally & fostering an environment where love is welcome & able to grow.

All this time, I haven’t really dated with a plan or strategy. Not that you have to be particularly strategic, but I had to understand it’s bigger than just finding someone you are attracted to or like enough to be around for a few hours.

It’s about finding someone who naturally possesses the qualities you look for in a partner.

We often try to find a blank canvas or a malleable piece of clay so that we can paint or mold the person into who we want them to be.

That just doesn’t work.

Every person comes as a finished art piece.

The question is: Do you like the art or not? Would you hang it in your front room? Are you proud of it?

I’ve made the mistake of seeing the potential of the art rather than accepting it in its finished state. I’m simply not doing that anymore.

My program has become strict, & not the fake strict they talk about online. I literally don’t have room for any connection or relationship that is not adding value to my life. I won’t waste my time with them. I have plenty to do without them.

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I often have students ask me if I can create advanced practices because they are ready for the next level of their yoga journey. A while back, I created a few “advanced” videos on my YouTube channel. After doing so, I realized it’s something I probably won’t revisit very often. Arm balances, binds, & unique shapes were the center of those practices, but I felt clumsy & unbalanced while recording them.

I reassured my students—& myself—that I was still learning alongside them. But frankly? I didn’t have the desire to execute them perfectly. It didn’t make me feel advanced. Instead, it made me feel like maybe this isn’t something I should be teaching if I’m not confident doing it.

Beyond the Shapes

During the earlier years of my yoga journey, I was adamant about learning arm balances. Handstand (Adho Mukha Vrksasana), Crow (Bakasana), & Forearm Stand (Pincha Mayurasana) are still among my favorites. I used to do daily handstand drills because I wanted to stick a handstand so badly. Even being able to hold it for just a second or two made me feel accomplished (& still does, honestly).

Advanced poses will always have their place & benefit. This is not to minimize their impact or the dedication of those who have worked hard to get there. It’s just that the deeper I got into my personal practice, the less I found myself doing them.

Yoga poses, or asanas, are just one aspect of yoga. There are actually eight limbs, which include things like pranayama (breath control) & dhyana (meditation). Over time, asana, pranayama, & dhyana became the three true pillars of my practice.

“The deeper I got into my personal practice, the less I found myself doing the advanced poses.”

Building the Ritual

Before curating my current routine, my practice was mostly just asana with some meditation sprinkled in. I was practicing yoga every day through physical poses, but I remember researching & watching content from several sources explaining the effects of meditating for 20 minutes a day. They described how you’re able to extract the most benefits when you truly commit to those full 20 minutes.

Making that dedication unlocked something in me: depth, questions, & a deeper understanding that left me desiring more.

I always want to lead by example when it comes to my teachings. I want to be a living embodiment of the efforts I encourage my students to apply. So, I committed. I adopted a daily ritual: 20 minutes of meditation, 5 minutes of breathwork, & 20 minutes or more of physical movement. I coupled it with therapy, shadow work, affirmations, self-talk, & reading. I even started going to the gym.

And yet, I’ve found that the hardest “pose” is simply the stillness. It’s the inner work. It’s calming the storm within.

The Infinite Cycle

Looking inside yourself, tracing your emotions back to their root, & then moving throughout the world from a place of compassion is something I still find very difficult at times. I’m sure I should give myself more credit, but I know who I want to be—& sometimes that version of me feels close, while other times it feels miles away.

It’s an ongoing cycle of working on past traumas, experiencing new ones, being triggered, & doing it all over again, & again, & again.

I am learning to understand that the cycle does not stop. The real question is: when you are given these tests, how will you handle them? How will you use every tool you’ve been developing to keep yourself from slipping into old, comfortable patterns?

The divine is my guide & my teacher. Creating such an intentional routine has allowed me to hear the messages louder & receive the downloads faster. But I am an imperfect being—physically, mentally, & spiritually. So the work will continue. Not for the sake of perfection, but for the sake of serenity & fulfillment.

It’s MUCH harder than a handstand, but I’ll keep working on being my best self—for myself, & for the progress of the collective.

Thank you for reading. If this resonated with you, feel free to leave a comment below about what the hardest “pose” in your own life is right now.

One of the biggest shifts in my life came after I realized that no one is going to present me with a big check & a golden ticket to success. Life isn’t like elementary school where you do a good thing & get a gold star or a pizza party. It’s more like realizing nobody is keeping score except you.

Nobody is looking for you & just itching to hand you the biggest deal of your life simply because you think you deserve it.

I remember thinking that if I consistently put out content, built my craft, became a recognizable name, that the offers would come pouring in. I thought the fact that I was genuine, authentic, kind, & creating from love would open the tallest doors. Many of those doors have combination locks & if you don’t have the perfect code, they will remain closed.

This isn’t to say that everything you do is for nothing, there’s just so much more to life than waiting to be chosen.

The Reality of the Corporate Machine

Looking back over my career, I wish I would have known earlier that acceptance can be a prison. I thought that leaving my 9-5 & entering the digital content realm meant that I would be more appreciated & considered for special opportunities.

Building my brand was & is so important to me, as was quality & human decency. These companies don’t care about that. They care about popularity, numbers, ROI (Return On Investment), & profit. It doesn’t matter how talented you are or how much you care about your work, is it going to make them money?

I’ve spent so much of my creative time messaging, emailing, asking for a chance, an investment, just trying to be seen. I told myself, “If they just know I exist, they’ll understand”, “If they just see or hear what I made, they’ll want to invest in me”.

Not true. I realized that the person I was waiting for wasn’t there. The opportunity I was waiting for wasn’t coming & that everything I needed, I already have.

Shifting Focus: From Seeking Approval to Building Momentum

The moment I stopped waiting, I started creating momentum. I understood that the real value was in the pure passion for doing what I love, & the community I was building on my own volition.

I got tired of the constant rejection. Sick of wondering why I wasn’t “good enough” for them. All the nos, the silence, & “sorry, but…” emails had me questioning myself & tempted to change for the sake of being more palatable & hopefully being compensated for it.

In hindsight, changing would have been a disservice to me, my audience, & my brand. My strength is my authenticity & genuineness, & I know that no amount of money is worth compromising my integrity.

When I stopped waiting, I stopped asking for permission to succeed. I let go of the idea that money could make this machine run better. I accepted that hardship & uncertainty was just a part of the long process of building value & longevity in the creative space.

Knowing Your Worth in a System Built on Crumbs

Not all deals are bad, some people have good ones, but don’t underestimate how common bad business & unfair contracts are.

I remember seeing an interview with Master P in which he explained his reasoning behind turning down a $1 million check early in his career. He said:

“If that man offered me a million and he didn’t even know me, how much do you think I’m worth? 10? 20? 40?”

This is burned into my brain now.

Many companies will offer you what looks like big numbers to you, but are crumbs to them. Some just offer crumbs period, & others nothing at all, which translates to a lot of work for you, little money for you, big benefits for them. I’ve heard interviews & lyrics from many successful artists speaking on their deals & how they make other people rich while they work themselves to the bone, all because of that deal they once desired.

We are in an era where artists are beginning to actively reject this shitty system & desire to be independent.

You Already Have the Tools

Most of us have that freedom RIGHT NOW. We’ve been blessed to never have entered a shitty deal, or fortunate enough to get out of one before it spirals into something even worse.

Nobody is coming, they are already there, you are already here, the tools are here. The only people who need to find you is your audience. When you create from love, they find you.

The life you’re waiting for begins the moment you stop waiting for permission to be great & start building. Yes, it will take you longer, but that foundation is laying the groundwork on which your empire will be built. There will be struggles, obstacles, hardships, but there will also be ownership & reward, it’s just not always monetary.

The true reward is knowing you earned it on your own.

When I describe the work I do as a content creator, I often say something to the effect of, “I just work hard & my job happens to involve public attention.” If I were to tell you I’ve never dreamt about being famous, I’d be lying. Since childhood, I’ve fantasized about being on a stage, but gaining some popularity pulled back the veil on what it actually means to be in the spotlight. It has its perks, but it also feels weird. Although I’ve accepted that certain things come with the job, I’m still never prepared.

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I think it’s important to mention that kids are much smarter than we think. Everything doesn’t always need to be oversimplified for them to understand. In my mind, if a video that wasn’t created for kids still resonated with them, so will many others. Children respond to tone, energy, & authenticity; I experience it often in real life. I will randomly be approached by them & we simply have a normal conversation. I listen & ask them questions; they respond. They tell me random things that seem to come from left field; it’s pleasant. Adults so often are uninterested in what kids have to say, assuming that they don’t know anything; meanwhile, they just want to be heard & included. They want to feel like they are part of the world & that they matter. We can do that without babying them.

The great thing about children is how present they are. They play, laugh, dance & say whatever comes to mind. Their spontaneity & joy are beautiful to witness. As adults, we should learn to be more like them. Many of us have lost our curiosity. We’ve stopped doing things just for fun or just because we wanted to. There’s no excitement in that. We’ve become fixated on our future & buried in our past. This makes returning to the present a long & difficult road. Healing is realizing that we have to access that inner child.

We have to talk directly to our younger selves, addressing them by name, giving them the words they need to hear. We have to get back to the wonder, the creativity & the imagination that lives inside. I’m sure there have been times you’ve done a yoga pose & said to yourself, “I did this as a kid.” I believe that yoga truly allows us to reconnect with play through mindfulness. Mindfulness teaches us to focus on the “here & now” rather than ruminating on the past or worrying about the future. It allows us to be able to let go of what we cannot control, therefore lowering our stress levels & improving our quality of life. We need more adults focusing on their own wellness as we try to create a better world for our children. One of the best things we can do is lead by example.

Kids have plenty. Literally everything has a mini or kids’ version, from Starbucks to Stanley cups. There’s children’s shows, children’s networks, books, programs, we all know this. So, could I pitch my voice up & try to be “age-appropriate”? I mean, yeah. Is there a big market for it? I’m sure. But, I’m good on all that. The kids understand what’s in front of them. They will need time & practice to learn just like adults, but they are fully capable. There are many children & families who watch me, & I don’t feel like I need to change to be palatable to them. I don’t position myself as a role model for kids. I just show up as me, & the energy translates for all ages.

Looking back, turning down that gig was the catalyst of the shift. It felt good to say “no”—a weight off my chest. It got easier & easier. Eventually, I stopped accepting new gigs altogether. At the very least, I needed a significant break. My wellness work felt much more rewarding, so that’s where I put my energy; yet, my spirit was still seeking something more.

I decided I would get to work on my next meditation project; ideas were swimming in my head. I’d be humming & singing; Voice Memos was my best friend. Inspiration surrounded me, & Spotify kept me full with the perfect playlists. I started paying more attention to the production & composition of songs, listening more closely to the instruments & patterns. Looking at the credits interested me; hearing sampled songs excited me. It had been several months since my first meditation album, & I was ready to make more music.

Reaching out to producers was the next step. I had a great experience working with Damon Davis on my first album & was looking to collaborate on a whole new sound. After reaching out to my top picks & having a couple meetings, all I could do was wait. Fun fact: I am not good at waiting. Being on other people’s time is not my specialty. Doubt started creeping in; I was losing creative momentum, then the internet cookie gods stepped in.

An ad for FL Studio appeared on my iMac screen, on sale even (lol). They got me; I bought it. Soon after, a MIDI keyboard appeared on my desk. Pressing keys to create melodies became more exciting than blending tracks. I learned everything I needed to learn to compose a song, & I could create on my own terms. Trusting this new journey was tough. Stepping into a producer & artist space felt fulfilling, but it was still new. Fear of being inadequate would cause procrastination, but I knew this was right for me.

Over the years, soul evolution has forced me into living as my authentic self. Anything outside of that, my mind, body, & spirit rejects. Yoga, meditation, & breathwork have opened my mind; they’ve truly changed me. Intertwined with shadow work & therapy, I’ve come to realize that the answers are within; I have everything I need. The impossible, became possible. A year ago, I wouldn’t have taken the idea of making my own music seriously. I told myself it was too tedious a task, but these days I have a tad more audacity. I know now that risk will always come with some fear & that’s okay. I can be afraid & still be great.

We are in an era where it’s so easy to second-guess ourselves. Comparison keeps so many of us from even starting. We must push past the fear. The gifts that have been given to me deserve to touch the world, & the world touches back. The love echoes & returns to us tenfold. Crafting my first self-produced ambient album taught me so much & made me so proud. All my passions have come together. It’s as if I had been preparing for this moment all along. I’m existing in my soul life purpose, my dharma. Gratitude is the best way to describe the feeling. What a blessing it is to be here, authentically.

Support an immersive bundle of this album directly on Bandcamp.

It was a normal afternoon for me, about a year ago. I was answering a slew of email inquiries per usual, & I came across one from a big sports event. By this time, I had been a DJ in St. Louis for 13 years; I felt like I had done everything I could do. From clubs, to parties, to residencies, showcases, concerts, conventions, parks, museums & even libraries, I had made a name for myself in my hometown. My price went up significantly because I knew I deserved it. I handled business through email, & contracts were a MUST.

While in communication about this sports event, I was asked, “Would it be possible for you to send over a list/file of all songs you possibly could use in your set?” I was immediately turned off. My heart sank & I got that feeling you get in your stomach when you get bad news. So many questions went through my mind, & even though some of my colleagues confirmed this was standard for some gigs, it still didn’t sit right with me.

“What purpose do I serve if I’m just a jukebox?” “Why hire me when you can just use a playlist of songs you want?” “How can I stand out from other DJs if you want to control my creative process?” I had done this gig at least twice before & was well received by the patrons. I even remember one of the sound guys saying I was his “favorite” DJ hire. How did I get here? Why couldn’t they just trust me? I’d been doing this over a decade.

What I began to realize was that interaction was a mirror for what DJing had become for me. Over time, some people’s expectations of DJs became more about their own preferences than the experience itself. There was this unnecessary competition between what was popular & what was good but less known. In more “straight-laced” spaces, it also felt like there was what was acceptable & what wasn’t. Popularity usually won… & so did “acceptable.” I just didn’t like playing that game. It got too political for my taste. I was able to work around it for a while, mixing this & that, but keeping up with what was trending & filtering through what was considered “acceptable” started to feel like a chore. I wasn’t in environments that made that easy anymore. I wasn’t that person anymore.

When my growing presence online started to reflect in real life, it eventually made me wanna go back into my shell. And I did. I had a lot of reflection time & began to grow even more into who I really was & am now. My music taste became more refined & personal, only listening to what I felt like listening to when I felt like listening to it. I stopped worrying about what was on the Billboard Hot 100 or what new album came out. I listened to music more organically, more intentionally. Not only did the music scene change, I changed. We grew apart. It wasn’t her fault nor mine. It was life.

A shift was taking place & I had decisions to make…