And we, in dreams, are cast,

like fleeting reveries

in depths of what lies hidden,

In symbols that speak of love

A resonance that lingers

in the cave between my ears

Like a truth that fades away

like a truth that fades away

…death.

Wake me from this dream

Nothing but fog up ahead

The eyes that claim such great sight

can’t remember what they said

We sacrifice God’s beauty

for efficiency and freeze

ignore the grace he gives us

Until we fall down on our knees

I’m afraid that if I lay

my love into your hands

while in this dreamlike state of

deep love and connection

I’m afraid it will slip away

That I’ll fall out of sight

Something must be wrong here

if it keeps me up at night

I’m telling you that god saw it too

and he know’s what to do

He knows not to leave it

up to me or you

A resonance that lingers

in the cave between my ears

Like a truth that fades

a truth that fades away

Our bond was strong and deep, our gardens intertwined

I feel a darkness spreading, like a shadow on the vine

So when the bloom has faded and the veil covers our eyes

Remember, dear, that we know the consequence of lies

…death.

Wake me from this dream

Not’ but fog up ahead

The hands that swore to heaven

Can’t remember what they plead

You sacrifice God’s beauty

for efficiency and freeze

ignore the grace he gives us

as we fall down on our knees

The water is not glass, it is a skin—
     A membrane shivering under my breath.
          I look down into the well, 
        and the uncreated dark looks back,
     Smelling of wet earth and crushed mildew.
They built these walls to keep a wild soul tethered,
     To turn the daughter into stone,
          To mute the dark, ancestral tide within my chest.
     I walk the perimeter of the well, 
   the water below isn’t glass
Where does heaven end and the deep begin?
     He is there, the spirit of the current—
          Not a monster, but a pull, a gravity of greenery.
     He wears the light like a wet cloak,
His eyes are liquid mirrors reflecting my own unspoken thirst.
     The dry house above suffocates with dust and ticking clocks,
          And the rigid shape of the day.
     But here below the surface, there is only the tide,
The rushing heartbeat calling me down.
     Shedding my humanity, shedding the harsh sunlight,
          Leaning into the damp mouth of the deep.
     I walk the narrow rim of reason; 
   The water below offers no false reflection.
To descend is not to perish—
     Trading the gilded cage for the subterranean deep.
          His hands are cold, but they burn like ice
     Against my ankles, against my knees,
Why do I fear the descent when the air above is so heavy?
     I do not resist his pull;
          This is the holy softening,
     The yielding of womanhood to water,
To become entirely fluid at last.
     Let the rigid world of women and hearths dissolve
          Into the silent rush of His breathless embrace.
     I am unstitched by the current—
Where the river enters the ocean and loses its name,
     Where the total unmaking becomes the Soul’s true crown,
          Where the body becomes fluid,
               Where the sacrifice becomes the throne.
                     No more daughter of stone
               Sinking into the beautiful, breathless deep...
          Where the mirror shatters,
     And I am finally free.

familiar smells & symbols

in a place I’ve never been.

A pulling out of myself— yet more in my skin than ever.

Lord, you shake me present & awake me

Eyes jarred open & mouth hushed

Waters of sorrow flow from me that new life may be nourished.

The death is an illusion

There is no end to Love

Only change

Then, again, newness & nostalgia

— The core of being alive.

The pulse which never ceases.—

Frantically, we grasp against change, closing our fists to what seems foreign, squeezing our eyes shut against the Son— His light feels as a laser in our sight, burning away impurity, leaves us naked and exposed to the truth, Logos. We, image bearers, cannot comprehend the grace of Love. We fear the nakedness and cover ourselves in shambles. In disgrace.

And we are remade…

In newness & nostalgia.

A speck of green sprung out from the earth,

Pushing against the dirt,

and the dust of death—

making room for what is alive.

This beauty transcends our understanding:

A child is born!

A flower is bloomed!

There is nothing outside of this.

This tender mercy You share in your creation, for your creation.

Lord, give me strength not to fail you. Give me the courage to lean away from disgrace. It is easier to lie in waste, to feed on that which cannot sustain me.

The eucharist, I have not received… I wonder if you will still fill me as I starve you from within.

Have you made Holy the waters of sorrow flowing from my inner well? Or do you wait, stuck in mud with me? Will your tears cleanse my sorrow? 

Please, Lord, speak to me.

Scripture for thought:

• Malachi 3:2-3

• John 7:38

• Isaiah 53:2

• Psalm 126:5

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She was like a butterfly

With me, chasing her voice around the room

I caught a glimpse of her paging through fairytales

She reminded me of me , if only, I wasn’t me at all

Her hair was dark and her cheeks were round,
but her eyes never left the ground,
oh her eyes they never left the ground.

I was looking for kafka’s

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Tears yearn for release, escape, but grace knows better.

Don’t grieve yet
it is the wrong season.

The air glistens around me
And I am full with memories
flowing light, it’s warmth
wrapping me,
containing what I cannot.

The waves are coming a…

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A midnight swim, in a secret place

A reflection in the water, a moon lost at dawn

Your little bird becomes a swan

On our breath, like clouds zizzing

Heated air, my breast is singing

It wraps around me, soft to my skin

An ancient language, whispering

In this dark world, I lost my way

A fragile form that's learned to sway

you took my voice, you took my name

And in its place, a silent flame

Your silence is weighted and presses me down

Crushing my soul with an iron crown

It wraps around me, an ancient tongue

Darkly spoken, like when I was young

A shadow of love that's dark and deep

Fell over me like a silent creep

I'm trapped in a world where love's not blind

Unfaithful heart, lost, left behind

Your silent flame became a fire

Sacrificed all love— my heart's desire

It wraps around me, soft to my ear

An ancient language, only I hear

Freedom is only a word within

When the cage is my own skin

Your little bird becomes a swan

Yet love is still a distant hum

The l…

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Another fantasy

is surfacing

dim the light, a static decay

I’m trying to put my eyes away

In whispered tones, I ask you now

Will you know me somehow?

If I smile, conceal my teeth,

Will you see me?

If I smile, conceal my grief

Will you see me?

I was still training my face what to say,

treating my voice like a quiet thing.

In whispered tones, I ask you now

Will you know me somehow?

If I smile, conceal my teeth,

Will you see me?

will you know my grief?

Dust in my eyes, old looks, old lies

surfacing, surfacing, surfacing

Father didn’t prepare me for this

afraid, so afraid of my kiss

Dim the light, a static decay

I’m trying to put my eyes away

You think I’m afraid of how you see me,

The truth is I don’t know how to feel,

Only the truth is real—

Like a whispered secret, it's hard to reveal—

You think I’m afraid of how you see me

The truth is, I don’t feel real

Look at me, tell me what you see

Am I real, how could I be?

Another fantasy of me is surfacing

You think I’m afraid of how you see me,

Maybe I’m afraid of how you see?

If I smile, conceal my grief

Wet my lips, will you think of me?

If I smile, conceal my grief

Wet my lips, will you see?

will you see me?

I do what I do and you know I mean it

Say what I say, but you can’t hear it

Mean what I mean, but you don’t get it

How can I fear who doesn’t understand me?

I say what I say and do what I do

You say that it’s me, but I think it’s you

Father didn’t prepare me for this—

Afraid, so afraid of my kiss—

Will you see me?

*Photography by Mike Minehart

I keep on writing our names in the snow
knowing the sun will melt it all away
but I will write it again & again
Frozen in time, to find me, hit rewind

The ice in my hands is starting to burn
A tundra ain’t suitable for fostering new life

I …

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Photography by Mike Minehart

Audio Download:

Lyrics:

Making of:

Lyrics available:

so I cried and cried to give it room

I think I feel some way towards you
nothing stronger than the truth
seeing myself falling, terrified of saying “no”
my eyes try and try to change the mood

sparkling eyes, a velvet dress
golden hair down to my breast
knowing you’ve been dreaming, hoping... for a glimpse of my bed
my eyes catch yours from across the room

terror is as terror does
shaking hands, all bets are off
demons lurking, scheming, vying... for a shred of my soul
my eyes dare them to attempt a coup

Savior, Savior come and see
what this body has done to me--
movements of darkness through caverns hollowed out in the deep of my heart

My eyes cried and cried to give it room

oh, I cry and cry to give it room

**This song was written as an assignment for ’s songwriting course at School of Song, and based on the painting below by Hugues Merle. I highly recommend checking out their classes.