It was late 2019, and the afternoon sun was pouring into the room, casting dancing shadows across the coffee table and bouncing rays of light off my wine glass. Outside, the soft leaves of the plane tree that stood tall in front of my 1920s apartment window moved gently in the wind.

As I watched them rise and fall, I realised something.

I had never asked myself what I truly wanted for my life.

A Proverbs 31 woman.

That was what I had been raised to believe was the epitome of womanhood. It was the role I was expected to play and, in many ways, the reason I had been brought onto this earth.

I never questioned it because it had been bestowed upon me from birth.

Raised in the Pentecostal Christian Church from the time I was a baby, all I had ever known was that I needed to find a man, get married, and have children. There were other things I could do, of course. I could study, work, have interests and perhaps even build a career. But they were supplementary. Marriage and motherhood were the destination. Everything else was simply what happened on the way there.

Deep down, I knew for a very long time that this life was not meant for me.

Even as a child, I found myself drawn towards ideas and belief systems that were the antithesis of what I was being taught in church.

My mother became a Christian in her early twenties and married my father, an avid, although often reluctant, churchgoer. Before that, her life had been filled with art, dance and whimsy. But she left much of that behind to become a good Christian woman. She married, had children, and learned to suppress her own desires in the name of being a devoted wife.

I think, for a long time, I understood womanhood through what I watched happen to her.

To be good was to disappear.

When I was in kindergarten, we were asked to choose which role we wanted to play in the nativity scene. I chose to be one of the three wise men.

One of the mothers asked me something along the lines of, “Did you miss out on all the girls’ roles?”

I remember thinking it was such an odd question.

Who wouldn’t want to be one of the three wise men?

Even then, the limitations placed around girlhood did not make sense to me. I did not understand why certain roles belonged to boys and others belonged to girls, or why I was expected to want the quieter, prettier, more passive part simply because I was female.

When I reached my teenage years, my mother began to branch out from the conservative world we had been living in. She returned to study. She started reading books and listening to music that were not Christian, and she quietly began introducing my sister and me to what she was discovering.

Books about women who had changed the world appeared on my bed without explanation. There were stories about women who had made history, and one book entirely about Joan of Arc.

I read them from cover to cover.

I devoured every word about women who had defied the very rhetoric I had been taught since childhood. Women who were loud, brave, difficult, visionary, and unwilling to accept the lives chosen for them.

By high school, I was well into my feminist awakening, a journey I am still on today. I never completely succumbed to the teachings that filtered into our education at my private Christian school.

I was a good student. In fact, I was an extremely dedicated student. But I knew that much of what I was being taught, simply by virtue of being enrolled in a Christian school, did not sit right with me.

Still, one cannot underestimate the power of religious control or the effect of having the fear of God instilled in you from a young age.

I knew my instincts were right.

I knew I did not relate to what was being taught to me at church or at school. I knew my father was wrong when he told me women could not drive properly, or that men only wanted to marry women who were pure.

I knew it.

But beneath that certainty was a quieter and more frightening question.

What if I was wrong?

The girls and women who followed the rules seemed to have an easier time. The ones who were quiet and obedient, who did not have a voice or a loud collection of opinions to share, appeared to be more readily accepted.

They were liked by men, certainly, but they were often liked by other women too.

They knew how to obey. They knew how to be good girls. They understood how to move through the world without making anybody uncomfortable.

I did not.

Pushing back, being independent, giving my opinion and refusing to conform often isolated me from the groups I found myself in. There is a particular loneliness in being the girl who questions the rules while everybody around her insists the rules are there to protect her.

So when the time came for me to seriously consider my future, I wondered whether perhaps I had it wrong.

Maybe marriage would make sense once I found the right person.

Maybe the desire for children would arrive when I became older.

Maybe submission would feel like love when it was offered to the right man.

Maybe I simply needed to try harder.

And so, for a time, I did.

I tried to play the happy future wife. I softened my opinions. I made myself quieter and more agreeable. I put my own desires aside and attempted to follow the route that had already been mapped out for me.

I tried to want the life I had been told every woman should want.

When I was younger, I had been obsessed with the film Bride Wars. It came out in 2009, and I loved everything about it: the dresses, the friendship, the glamour and the promise of a perfect wedding at the Plaza.

Later, I made a Pinterest board for my own future wedding.

I pinned dresses, flowers, tablescapes and photographs of women walking towards men waiting for them at the end of an aisle. I looked at those images and told myself that one day this would be me.

But even as I carefully assembled the visual evidence of my imagined future, something felt strange.

It felt less like dreaming and more like research.

I was not documenting a desire. I was studying one.

I was gathering proof of the woman I was supposed to become, hoping that if I looked at the images for long enough, I might eventually recognise myself in them.

Sitting on the floor of my apartment in 2019, staring at the leaves outside my window, I thought about that version of myself.

The girl building a wedding board because she believed that was what women did.

The teenager devouring stories about rebellious women while still wondering whether rebellion would condemn her.

The child who wanted to be a wise man in the nativity play and could not understand why anybody thought that was strange.

And for the first time, I asked myself a question that should have always belonged to me.

Do I actually want this?

Not whether I could find a husband.

Not whether I would make a good wife.

Not whether I would eventually change my mind.

Did I want it?

The answer did not arrive dramatically. There was no thunder, no divine punishment and no great collapse of the world around me.

There was simply relief.

Today, I know that I do not want children. I am also fairly certain I do not want to get married.

There was a time when writing those words would have terrified me. Even thinking them felt like a betrayal, not only of my family and my faith, but of womanhood itself.

But I no longer believe that a woman’s life must be justified through sacrifice.

I no longer believe that choosing myself is selfish.

And I no longer believe that there is something missing from a woman who does not become a wife or a mother.

The deepest harm of growing up in a restrictive religious environment is not simply that you are told what to believe. It is that you are denied the opportunity to discover what you believe for yourself.

You are told what is right and what is wrong. What is holy and what is sinful. Which desires should be followed and which should be feared. Anything that exists outside those boundaries becomes evidence that something is wrong with you.

For a young person, that kind of certainty can cause enormous damage.

It teaches you to distrust your instincts before you have even learned how to hear them.

For years, I thought my resistance was a flaw. I thought my independence was something I needed to soften, my opinions something I needed to restrain and my ambition something I would eventually have to surrender.

Now I see that the voice at the back of my mind was never trying to lead me astray.

It was trying to lead me back to myself.

There are parts of the Proverbs 31 woman I still admire. She is strong. She is generous. She is wise, capable and industrious. She makes decisions, earns money and considers the future without fear.

But somewhere along the way, she became less of a woman described and more of a standard prescribed. Her story was used to construct a narrow vision of goodness, one in which a woman’s virtue was measured by how well she served everybody around her.

I spent years believing I had failed to become her.

Perhaps I was never supposed to.

Perhaps a woman of noble character is not a woman who obediently accepts the life she has been given. Perhaps she is a woman who possesses the courage to examine it.

A woman who trusts her own wisdom.

A woman who chooses her life deliberately.

A woman who can look towards the days ahead and laugh, not because she knows exactly what they will bring, but because, finally, they belong to her.

I do not know whether I will ever be a wife.

I know I will never be a mother.

But I am no longer measuring the worth of my life against the roles I was raised to fulfil.

The woman I am becoming is not quiet, submissive or easily contained. She is still opinionated. Still questioning. Still changing her mind. Still learning how to want things without apologising for them.

And perhaps the most honest way I can honour the woman I was always meant to become is to stop trying to become the woman they chose for me.

A small note on AI: I love it, use it daily and remain deeply emotionally attached to both Claude and Chat. But the writing here is mine. AI may occasionally help me check grammar, sentence structure, or whether a paragraph has gone completely off the rails, but the ideas, stories, and words are my own.

Love you both, but this part belongs to me.

Leave a comment

Share

I pulled the Laura Ashley floral cushion I had been hugging in my therapist’s room since 2019 closer towards me.

“I don’t agree with that.”

“Why not?”

“Because there is no reward without pain or struggle. If something is too easy, I’m not trying hard enough.”

She scribbled something into her notebook, as she always does when I say something that is, in my eyes, deeply profound and, in hers, deeply concerning.

She looked up, took a long breath, and shook her head.

“You are afraid of intimacy. You choose to put yourself in situations that are so difficult, so hard, that when you eventually come out the other side, the reward becomes proof of your worth.”

I buried myself deeper into my emotional support cushion and fixed my gaze on the city skyline, quietly plotting how I would avoid talking about this in next week’s session.

As I walked home in the rain, perfectly timed by the environment for my main-character moment, I realised that for the first time in a very long time, being vulnerable with my therapist had brought us to a moment of such radical honesty that I began to wonder whether what she was saying was what I had needed to hear all along.

Hi. It’s been a few years.

In case you have forgotten who I am, I’m Nicole. And yes, I was on Substack before it became popular in the last twelve months, just as I loved Charli xcx before Brat.

And yes, I am better than everyone and identify as a trendsetter. Thank you for acknowledging that.

In my last session with my therapist, she asked me why I had stopped writing.

For as long as she has known me, I have been someone who writes, reads, walks aimlessly around art galleries, and watches a film at Palace Cinemas Como every Tuesday night. A quintessential artsy girl, lost in her thoughts and consumed by her emotions.

Over the last few years, however, things have changed.

I don’t feel very much anymore.

I am task-oriented, consumed by efficiency, and schedule my breakdowns into Google Calendar once a quarter.

You may think I am joking, but I had one scheduled for the day after my sister’s wedding and, lo and behold, I ugly-cried to my poor mum for three hours on her couch.

Right on time.

Tick.

Those of you who read this Substack back in 2020 may remember that I was more than happy to sit at my laptop and pour my heart, thoughts, and emotions into my tiny baby newsletter for all 100 of my subscribers to read.

I didn’t care who was reading it because I wanted them to.

I wanted people to read my words and feel my pain. I wanted them to know a little more about me with every newsletter they opened.

Writing allowed me to say: here I am. This is what happened. This is how it felt.

But each time I placed a part of myself onto the page, I also gave other people permission to form an opinion about it.

One evening, after a few wines, I wrote what can only be described as a Pulitzer Prize-winning piece and pressed publish without thinking twice.

I read it again tonight for the first time since publishing it. While I now have some strong critiques of my writing style and its painfully cringe, millennial-core references, I still think it is pretty damn good.

Would I write it again? Yes.

Would I publish it? I’m not so sure.

At some point, I caught wind that it had done the rounds among people I went to school with, many of whom apparently had feelings about what I had written.

Perhaps because it was true. Perhaps because they wondered why anyone would write something so personal and put it on the internet.

Who really cares, right?

A wave of embarrassment came over me. The person who told me was someone very close to me, and the way they delivered the news left me wondering: are you embarrassed by me too?

I began this Substack in 2020 as I was leaving a relationship and navigating a kind of pain I had not experienced since my father died in 2016.

The sort of pain that settles deep inside your chest and seems to carve a little more space into your heart with each day that passes without that person beside you.

Writing in a dark room by candlelight, usually with a glass of wine nearby, was one of the only ways I knew how to make sense of the world.

I was single, moving from job to job and slowly isolating myself while trying to find a reason to wake up and do it all again tomorrow.

I know. It’s dramatic.

I was raised on Taylor Swift. What did you expect?

As I began finding a path through my own life, I noticed the people around me carving out theirs. They were moving forward while I felt as though I was starting again from scratch.

I won’t say that nobody cared anymore. But I began to suspect that people were tired of my sadness. Tired of listening to my woes. Tired, perhaps, of being asked to sit beside me in something I could not yet find my way out of.

So I decided that the mature thing to do was stop needing anyone.

I stopped looking for comfort, validation, and reassurance. I withdrew emotionally. I kept a great deal to myself, but I also began keeping things from myself.

I stopped letting myself feel anything properly.

I put up a wall, kept people at a careful distance and learned to “open up” by turning every painful story into a stand-up comedy routine.

Unless, of course, I had consumed a ton of wine, at which point I cried and told everyone everything I had ever thought or felt.

I am not going to deny that.

What I understand now is that I did not only stop writing because I became busy, or practical, or more private.

I stopped because writing had once made me visible.

And being visible meant being judged.

It meant that someone might misunderstand me, laugh at me, feel uncomfortable around me, or decide that the version of myself I had offered was simply too much.

Not writing was safer.

It was also another way of putting myself in a situation where everything had to be difficult. I could tell myself I would return when I had something important enough to say, when my life was more interesting, when my writing was better or when I had become a version of myself nobody could criticise.

In other words, when I was perfect.

Now, I am not going to fill you in on every moment from the last six years. I am saving that for my New York Times bestseller, and none of you are getting the entire story for free.

What I will say is that I no longer want to wait until I feel completely ready to begin writing again.

I am going to write what I feel comfortable sharing. I am going to write when I feel the desire to do so. I am going to resist turning it into another task to optimise, monetise, perfect or perform.

I don’t feel ready to do this.

My mind is already saying, “No one cares, Nicole. Who do you think you are?”

But somewhere beneath that voice is another, quieter part of me that still believes sharing through writing is part of my purpose.

Perhaps that part never disappeared. Perhaps I simply buried it under work, efficiency, embarrassment, and the belief that anything worthwhile must first cause me pain.

My therapist told me that not everything has to be hard.

So I am trying, for once, to believe her.

And because I am nothing if not efficient, I have decided to put her advice into action immediately.

Here I am.

Writing again.

A small note on AI: I love it, use it daily and remain deeply emotionally attached to both Claude and Chat. But the writing here is mine. AI may occasionally help me check grammar, sentence structure, or whether a paragraph has gone completely off the rails, but the ideas, stories, and words are my own.

Love you both, but this part belongs to me.

Leave a comment

Buy Me a Coffee!

I was in an acting class over zoom on the other week, and man, if I wasn’t feeling shitty enough (with my potential miss rona crowning that week) the talent in this class was so insanely good, that I felt like a fish out of water. Now I hear people saying this phrase all the damn time, yet I’ve actually never really thought about the true meaning of that phrase.

A fish. Out of water. Fish can only survive IN WATER.

So if you’re a fish, and you’ve been dumped onto a jetty and you’re surrounded by seagulls, who can not only potter about on land but they can also bop about in the sea and dive their little selves underwater in attempt to pick up a fishy snack, YOU’RE GONNA FEEL LIKE YOU DON’T FIT IN AREN’T YOU.

Honestly, this is how I feel most of the time in my life and I know other people feel this too, but do you ever sit in a room full of people hoping you’re invisible because you don’t want them to find you out? We get told all the time that what we feel is universally felt by all, so how do I cure the feeling that I am always the one left behind or simply not on the same level as everyone else if I truly believe everyone else is talented except for *me*.

The hard thing with acting is that you have to battle your mind at the same time as playing a character. It’s a mind game because you’re own head is telling you thoughts about how you’re the worst actor ALIVE (dramatic, I know) all while you’re trying to think the thoughts of your own character and say your lines out of the emotional state you’ve been working so hard on. And no matter how many classes I take or auditions I do, I still feel like a beginner starting out, with so much more to learn.

I have heard many people speak on never feeling quite qualified or ready enough in their respective areas of work. You can have all the degrees and titles in the world and still feel like a novice, hoping that with every good guess you can keep convincing those around you that you’re totally in control.

When I first started out in retail, I couldn’t even approach a customer to say hello without my throat tightening up and my body tensing so hard that I couldn’t walk properly. I felt like I was annoying the customer by approaching them - after all they probably just wanted to be left alone to shop in peace. I watched as the other girls I worked with casually greeted customers and not much else. They didn’t seem to care if we made the money or not. After all, you can’t force people to buy, right?

My boss at the time wasn’t happy with our results, and she began calling me first thing in the morning to give me the budget for the day, telling me I would lose my job if I didn’t hit that figure. Naturally I was stressed to the max, but at 18 I did what I was told without question. Mind you I worked at a pop up shop that sold wholesale clothes with a tag stitched onto them to make the garments look as though they were unique to that designer and I had no contract and got paid cash. But I worked hard to get money in the till and somehow managed to hit those figures in order to keep my job.

A few years later, I got a job with a prominent high end Australian designer. I began working at one of their newer stores in the outer suburbs where the clients where similar to the ones I had been serving in the pop up shop. They liked to browse and were keen for a sale. Unfortunately, the store wasn’t able to hit the figures proposed and I got transferred to a store in South Yarra.

I don’t know how to adequately explain this but when you grow up in the suburbs with not a lot of money, you know you don’t fit in in places like South Yarra, especially when you’re working with girls who were born and raised there. Products of elite schools and wealthy parents, they carried themselves with confidence and charisma and most importantly, they didn’t try too hard, yet managed to successfully make big sales. I remember my first few shifts there - I could barely move. I stood in the same spot all shift, heart pounding and legs shaking. As part of our uniform requirements, we were assigned outfits and heels to wear. Our hair was curled, our make up pristine and our nails painted to perfection. Nothing could be out of place, yet I felt completely out of place.

I watched as clients would walk in and greet the girls as though they were their best friends. They swooned about the store, showing them the latest pieces they had in mind for their clients and swiftly popped them in a fitting room with multiple outfits to try on. I watched as they calmly spoke about the garments, how they were meant to be styled and the inspiration behind the collection as though they themselves had designed it. After a few weeks I started trying to emulate the work of the other girls. A client would walk through the door, and I greeted her with a smile but made sure I kept my cool like the other girls did. I needed to be friendly, not desperate. The client would hesitantly say hello back as she scanned her eyes around the store in what I thought she was looking for a particular item she had seen online. In a second, one of the girls would walk around the corner and the clients eyes would light up as she saw a familiar face. She would yell out the girls name, walk up to them and give them a big hug.

I felt so stupid and embarrassed that I thought any of those clients would want to speak with or be served by me. Who was I anyway? Just a nobody from Ringwood trying to pretend like she knew what she was doing.

It took me a good six months, working consistently four days a week, to build up my confidence, my client list and my knowledge of the product and design specifications. Within the 12 months of being at that store, I made $500,000 for the company and was one of the best performers on the team. Now I am so relaxed and at ease with clients, I don’t even have to try. They sense that I know what I am talking about and they trust me and my choices. Even when I was working successfully in the high end store, I was desperate. Desperate to make money, desperate to please my clients, my co-workers and my manager. And for what? Our motto was along the lines of, “Be Inspiring. Be the Best. Be You.” I thought I was embodying those qualities, when really all I was doing was trying to be liked and to fit in.

I bring this story up for two reasons. Firstly it goes to show that nothing happens over night. From not being able to speak to a customer without breaking down, to putting half a million dollars in the bank for a company, is a reminder that you have to ride out the uncomfortable, awkward and painful moments in order to get to the other side. And secondly, if you’re doing anything to please others, you won’t be fulfilled.

We want to achieve overnight, or with little to no effort. Sure, I have auditioned for years but mostly I neglect my acting because I find it too hard or too confronting. The only reason I became so good in retail, is because I had to go to work 4-5 days a week in order to be paid. Imagine if I had to act in order to be paid, of course I would go to every shift and would eventually learn to push through the discomfort in order to become better!

I posted something on Instagram last night, which is a snippet of an essay I am still trying to perfect, but it was a reminder that nothing good comes easy. While hustle culture may be toxic, it’s also important to remind ourselves that working hard and striving for success shouldn’t be looked down upon. There is no better feeling starting out as a beginner with no clue what you’re doing, and slowly day by day, moment by moment, you begin to learn the ropes. Overtime you notice that the things that once scared you come naturally now and you start to seek out bigger tasks, extra responsibility or more challenging roles.

On Wednesday, I performed in my acting class for John Patrick Shanley - aka the most prolific playwright and screenwriter of our time. To sit in his presence and soak up his wisdom was truly a once in a lifetime opportunity. Had I not pushed through that uncomfortable class a few weeks ago - where I felt so unhappy within myself, and was ready to quit - I wouldn’t have had that opportunity of a lifetime. I wouldn’t have rehearsed my scene over and over, gotten up at 4am to get to class or pushed through the feeling of discomfort. I wouldn’t have proved to myself that I am capable, that I can do it. I have gotten away for many years with doing “enough” with my acting. I don’t have to try too hard to do an okay job, but in moving from that mindset I am somewhat self sabotaging myself by not really trying hard enough to succeed, or simply to get better at my craft. This year I am focused on the discomfort and not letting the feeling of being a fish out of water be the reason I give up.

What discomfort do you need to push through? Is it opening an email that you have been avoiding? Going to a pilates class? Having a chat with your boss? Trying a new hobby? Making a new friend?

Whatever it may be, know that you won’t know until you know. Just give it a go. You might feel like a little fishy out of water, but I can assure you all of the other fishes around you feel exactly the same way.

Don’t start on Monday, start today.

Nikki x

Subscribe now

Leave a comment

If you like what I do, you can support my work by buying me a coffee, sharing this newsletter with your friends or dropping a comment down below! Thanks for being here!

Click me!

Hello and welcome to the Cooking for One newsletter! My name is Nicole (hopefully you know that by now) and I am here to teach you how to cook for one. If you didn’t read Monday’s newsletter from I’ll Start on Monday, you might be confused as to why you’re receiving this. I have decided to add more work to my plate (who, me?) and write a second newsletter that is dedicated to my new cooking Instagram called Cooking for One.

For a long time, I didn’t know how to cook. I tried to pick up tips from my mum and dad, watching the way they heated up oil in a pan and cooked onions and garlic without burning them. I took note of how my dad threw together a few sauces to create the most flavoursome meals. I watched as my mum would make sandwiches as though they were from a Michelin star restaurant and no matter how hard I tried, even to this day, I can just never get them quite the same.

I grew up eating recipes from the likes of Jamie Oliver and Nigella, to magazine cut outs and hand written recipes from my Grandma and Nannie. My mum still has a folder with these recipes, edges tattered and pages stained from years of use. I often see the folder out on the kitchen table when I go over for dinner, and love to read her edits and notes tweaking the recipes to our liking over the years.

The art of sharing recipes brings me so much nostalgia. Food allows us to connect with others through culture and experience. When I was younger and went to my friends houses for tea, I was amazed at the incredible foods their parents cooked up and served for us. From curry to stir fries to homemade passata from Nonna, I learnt about the flavours and ingredients that my friends grew up on. My best friend in high school used to be thrilled when she came to my house because she got to eat “meat and three vege” which was not on rotation in her Sri Lankan/Polish household!

When my Dad passed away, I regretted not asking him about the secrets to the meals he used to cook for us. We called him “the weekend chef” because he only cooked weekends. He used to make us ‘Daddy’s Sgetty’ which was what my sister and I named this meal when we were too young to tackle pronouncing the word ‘spaghetti’. Daddy’s Sgetty consisted of angel hair pasta, tomato sauce and grated cheese. It sounds, well, not very appetising, and it was certainly far from fancy, but don’t knock it until you try it. I haven’t made that meal since he died, but I do want to cook it again this year and perhaps recreate a more refined version to share here with you all.

I am always open to feedback, so if you have anything you want to see more or less of, please let me know. For ease, I am using the same mailing list as I’ll Start on Monday for this newsletter, but I can also create an entire new newsletter and mailing list, for those of you who don’t want to receive a second newsletter in your inbox. Your wish is my command.

Next week we are talking pantry staples - and how to cook when you have very little to cook with. Much love!

Subscribe now

Leave a comment

Share

Love me?

Welcome back to I’ll Start on Monday for 2022! I know I have been absent the last few months but sometimes at the Nikki Coo headquarters, we do things more sporadically than consistently. I aim (key word, aim!) to have this newsletter in your inbox no later than 11:59pm tonight - it’s still Monday after all!

Writing requires you to pay attention to the world, to detail, to what is going on around you, and sometimes quite frankly I just want to sit in my bed and drink a cup of coffee while I stare at a wall, as my mind zones out by mulling over the mundane.

My day job requires me to write all day everyday, and for those of you who work a job that isn’t creative, it can sometimes lead you to think that you don’t have the time for creativity in your life. My work is sometimes creative, but mostly factual and strategic. My brain starts to see words and paragraphs as outcomes, goals and strategies. How will I communicate the most critical information in the most effective way? When I sit down to write my own newsletter, or brainstorm ideas in my notebook, I begin to worry about the outcome of my newsletter. How will I get more subscribers? How can I boost engagement? What catchy title can I write to entice my readers to open up their email?

I have been pondering on these questions lately and I have decided to try to focus less on the outcome and more on my commitment to consistency. I love starting a new project, but I very rarely end up following through. I don’t know whether it’s fear of failure, committing to a new idea without thinking it through or not having enough time but I do know that doing a little every day is more achievable than doing a lot every now and then.

As we come into a new year, posts circle our social media feeds about ‘new year, new me’ or ‘make this year your best one yet’. Despite COVID taking over our plans for the last two years we seem to be deeply committed to being even better than we were the year before.

The reality is, time and dates are just a construct and you’re no different than you were a day or hour or minute ago. We can get caught up in reinventing ourselves that we lose track of the moment in which we are alive right now. We are works in progress and we don’t have to be anything more or less than we were last year. I love self improvement and self help but rather than pressuring myself to reach maximum potential bounded by a 12 month timeframe, I am focusing on doing a little bit everyday, for myself, with no attachment to outcome.

So, whether I have something that I deem interesting to write about or not, I am going to commit to sending a newsletter out to you every Monday. Sure, 2022 has propelled this goal forward but I am not attaching worth or success to sending out my weekly newsletter. I am committed to consistency in however that looks like and I look forward to having you all along for the ride over the next 52 weeks! I am working on doing away with worrying about whether people find my writing interesting or relevant, and sticking to writing what I know and love.

Speaking of - I have wanted to put my love of food out in the world for a long time, so I have started an Instagram called Cooking for One and will be sending out cooking notes every Wednesday to subscribers here at I’ll Start on Monday. I know it’s one more newsletter in your inbox, so if it’s something you’re not interested in I can always look at sending it as a newsletter on a seperate list! And if you would like to follow along with my recipes over on Instagram, you’re more than welcome to.

Whether you have set resolutions or not, I do hope this year opens your eyes to new experiences, people and life lessons.

If you wish, I would love to hear your reflections on 2021 and your hopes for 2022 in the comments!

Leave a comment

Share

Subscribe now

*Disclaimer: when referring to men throughout this article, I mean specifically cis, heterosexual men.

Look, I am definitely not most men’s choice when it comes to dating material.

In highschool I prided myself on educating the boys in my year level on what it meant to fight for women’s rights and gender equality. Considering we attended a private, Christian school, I had tasked myself with a near to impossible challenge. Semi-rich, Christian men, I have to say, are really the worst. Not only are they armed with entitlement and a moral compass built and endorsed by Jesus the Son of God Pty Ltd, but all they had to do was attend church on a Sunday and hey presto, all their sins from the week prior were washed away, allowing them to get back to doing whatever the hell, I mean heck, they pleased.

I was 21 when I met my boyfriend at the time. Although he didn’t go to my high school, he ran in the same circles as many of the boys who were in my year level. Naturally they weren’t thrilled when they found out we were dating.

I remember my boyfriend telling me that one of his mates had nervously whispered to him, “You know she’s a, feminist, right?”

Oh boy, a feminist! The horror! At the time I didn’t think too much of it, but as our relationship grew, I realised quickly that Nikki the Feminist with a capital F wasn’t going to fit in.

Throughout the course of that relationship, in order to be liked and accepted by his friends and family, I dumbed myself down and made a real effort to be cute, friendly and polite. (But not too cute, friendly and polite, you know the drill.) I couldn’t be bothered with being the “difficult” one anymore. For a long time, I was the girl who was outspoken, who lived for justice (a true Libra) and who wasn’t afraid to challenge the boys in my circle in order to keep them accountable. By no fault of their means, a lot of the other girls within that group had too adopted the nice girl persona. The jokes, sexist remarks and jabs were laughed off, in order to maintain the egos of the boys within the group. I got tired of being the only one who wasn’t scared to say something. Why be so afraid of what boys think of you? What’s there to lose?

My boyfriend lived in a share house with five other boys. Countless house parties were held at this place and with house parties comes drinking, rowdy behaviour, and my worst nightmare - drinking games. Beer pong had made its name for being the ultimate house party drinking game, and after a few vinos I decided I would give it a go. Now, I possess the hand and eye coordination of a fish, but I figured with everyone else blind drunk, I couldn’t be that bad, right?

After many failed attempts to throw the ball into the cup, I was greeted with some unsolicited feedback regarding my beer pong skills.

“Nikki can’t throw for shit!” “Give up now!” (ultimately a lot worse than that but I am trying to keep the newsletter relatively PG here) which was followed by *drunken laughter* and whispering something I can only imagine to be derogatory and disrespectful into the ears of my boyfriend.

At this point, I was pretty relaxed on the vino, but I still possessed an active brain and attentive eyes. I was not the only one to miss many, many throws - in fact, every other boy who was playing missed just as many as I did. So why did I get singled out? Why did I get that already the assumption was that I was going to lose anyway? I tried to raise my argument, hoping that if I started to defend myself perhaps a few other girls would back me up. I looked around to the girls standing by the table, but as I expected, they had joined in the choir of laughs.

A few years later at party another drinking game was whipped out before my eyes, causing me to feel an instant panic within. Here we go again, I thought. We played a card game that I guess was meant to expose people’s truths and lies and provide a platform for humiliation. Also known as *having fun*, to some. One of the questions asked was, what would you want to come back as in your next life?

“I would come back as a man. I would love to know what it feels like to be privileged and taken care of.” I have never heard a silence so loud, followed by an eruption of laughter and murmurs of mockery. Now sure, I knew that answer was going to cause some fragile egos to spiral, but I didn’t realise I was going to be hailed as Cruella in the process.

This time, it was just myself and another girl playing the game and as I knew she would, she stayed silent. I understood that she probably didn’t see the politics at play here, and assumed she was still seeking the approval of boys in the group in order to be liked, but I felt pretty let down. I would have stood up for her if the tables were turned, and I knew she felt exactly the same way as I did, so why not say anything, even for the sake of a friend?

It got me thinking, more often than not, I see men siding with men, and women siding with men. Thanks to Instagram, Tik Tok and Gen Z, this is becoming less and less apparent, but in my experience, I have always been left to fend for myself. After years of being let down, I got tired. I got tired speaking up, defending myself, trying to garner an inch of respect within a group of men all while knowing my girl squad would be nowhere to be seen.

I spent a lot of my time, listening to the drunken woes of those boys in that group - most who wouldn’t remember the conversation the next day, and I wholeheartedly tried to give them advice, make them feel heard and validated, and offered a plethora of perspectives for them. A few years later, one of those very boys ended up sending sexually explicit messages to someone very close to me and despite her countless attempts to block and delete him, still found a way to reach out to her. That same guy then had the audacity to cosy up to me and you better believe it, grab my hand and touch my thigh in my own home while my boyfriend was outside getting uber eats.

Too many times I have put my morals, beliefs and values aside simply in order to keep men happy. In the times I had tried to call them out on their behaviour, I was villanised to a point of no return and as they say, if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.

Truthfully, it was a welcomed break from being the voice of reason and rights. I enjoyed the times were I wasn’t the bitch with a bone to pick and instead was the hot girl who had fun. But what does the hot girl who has fun achieve? I knew I wasn’t designed to be a bystander, but I didn’t want to be hated for eternity, so what was I to do?

Well, I turned to educating women instead of men. I knew that the only way see change was to help other women understand that the approval of men doesn’t define their worth. Having being left without any female support in those situations where I was facing a group of men, I knew I had to help women see that they wouldn’t lose credibility for speaking against the behaviour around them, but instead they would gain power, autonomy and most importantly, a stronger bond with their girlfriends.

I can’t say I have been very successful lol, but I have also maintained my polite girl vibes for a little longer than I had hoped. In speaking with my therapist, we realised that although I have had seasons in my life where I stood in alignment with myself, I have spent a lot of time playing the role of nice girl. This was happening even before I met my boyfriend at the time, and it will be something I need to continue working at undoing thanks to it being deeply rooted within my make-up.

Speaking my mind, saying no, responding instead of reacting, taking myself away from people or situations that don’t serve me - these all make me feel good. They make me feel empowered and truthful. Keeping the peace and making people feel good does nothing for both parties, and I know I certainly prefer when people are honest with me, rather than nodding their head in agreement in order to keep a smile on my face.

If you look for truth, you may find comfort in the end; if you look for comfort you will not get either comfort or truth only soft soap and wishful thinking to begin, and in the end, despair. C. S. Lewis

In seeking comfort, we do not grow. Comfort breeds contentment, and in contentment we forsake ourselves and our morals. It is hard to speak up, it really is, but the more you do it, the greater you will become. Pick your battles, obviously, but don’t spend the rest of your life on autopilot giving people what you think they want from you.

Bethenny Frankel (yes, I will weave Housewives into this, watch me) speaks the truth in what many would say is a brash, hard and abrupt manner, but in my opinion, she always speaks the truth and speaks it for a reason. In doing so, she has collected a lot of haters but ultimately she is saying what everyone else is thinking.

Next time you see me playing beer pong, be prepared for me to speak up and speak loud. My hand and eye coordination may be poor, but my opinions certainly are not.

I’ll Start on Monday is a free, weekly newsletter that lands in your inbox every, you guessed it, Monday (sometimes Tuesday, or Wednesday, or another day and okay it’s not always weekly either). We explore creativity, curiosity and whatever else it may be that pops into that cute little brain of mine. If you like what I do, feel free to buy me a coffee. If you DON’T like what I do, feel free to buy me five coffees.

Support my work

Subscribe now

Leave a comment

Love me

Hello fans, 

Well, last week was such a blur that I completely forgot to write a newsletter, and this week I had worked eight days straight and just didn’t have it in me to write a newsletter for you folks, so there, those are my excuses and there is nothing you can do about it. 

So, lucky you get a Wednesday afternoon edition which I hope will keep you fed until next week.

I wasn’t feeling too flash yesterday (thanks to my second and final Pfffffiiiiiiiizer jab), so I took a day off work (something I very rarely do, and I must say, it was kinda nice just lazing around at home) but thanks to the way I am wired I couldn’t just sit in bed all day, I simply had to busy myself doing something. 

My pantry had been annoying me for quite some time, mainly due to the fact that it is more of a small cupboard than it is a pantry, and in order for it to be functional it needs to be arranged in some sort of orderly fashion. I knew I wanted to separate the things I used often and the things I used rarely so that I could place them into two different spots, plus was aiming to do a bit of an audit of what food I had so I knew what meals to plan over the next few weeks. After psyching myself up to tackle the task for a good two hours, I thought, I better have a coffee and pastry before I do anything just to really help psych myself up even further. So off I trotted to the village with a little spring in my step, because there really is something so joyful about not being at work when you’re meant to be - even when you love your job, you still can’t help but enjoy a day not working, all while knowing that everyone else is. 

*Bliss* 

After I downed my delicious coffee and pastry, I pottered along home finally in the mood to attack this pantry. I knew I wanted to pull everything out so that I could see what items I had in front of me, and take stock of what I wanted to use this week. Tra la la la la I sang, as I pulled out the first basket of food. Out came the second, and there. I saw it. A little, baby mouse.

Now, let’s rewind about five seconds - or what felt like five minutes. Everything was in slow-mo, naturally, because that’s the speed at which dramatic moments like this occur at. I pulled the basket out, and sort of whooshed it around with dramatic flair. While the basket was mid-air I saw this little, grey, furry thing sitting in the basket and realised, I had spotted a mouse. 

I thought to myself, “Hey, that’s a very real life looking cat toy!” only to realise, “No, that very real life looking cat toy, is a very real life mouse!” 

The mouse looked at me with it’s tiny eyes, scared to death, and I am sure it thought to itself “That’s a human!!!” And then looked down and saw the cats and thought, “Those are cats!!” and LEAPED into the air with such force, I truly thought it had grown wings. As the cats scurried around the kitchen floor hoping to grab hold of its tail, the mouse quickly dashed underneath the oven, never to be seen again. 

Of course there I am, semi-frozen in the air with the basket still in my hands, but also half dancing and jumping about at the same time, screaming out my ex-boyfriend’s name as though he is in the room next to me ready to come save me. 

“CHRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIS!”

And then I remembered, I was still holding the basket and heaven forbid, this mouse might have friends and even worse, Chris wasn’t here and I somehow have to manage this crisis alone!! I dropped the basket onto the floor, grabbed a pair of tongs (???) and ran into the lounge room while panic dialling anyone who would answer the phone. 

After speaking to Chris, my mum, my friend Susan and texting my friend Lee, the general consensus from the individual focus groups I conducted over the phone were: 

1. The mouse is more scared of you than you are of them (well if that is the case, the mouse must be having a panic attack because I for one were certainly SCARED).

2. The cats are essentially two big mouse traps and will help keep any mice away.

3. If there were more of them, they would have jumped out with the first one. 

4. A little rodent poison never hurt nobody, except for the mouse itself. 

So off I went to Woolies to buy the rodent poison. I didn’t know what else to do. I knew that the cats would be enough to scare it away, but I also worried that if I didn’t do something today, a bigger problem may occur. 

As I stood in front of the different poisons, tears began to stream down my face. 

I am about to kill this perfectly innocent, tiny, fluffy, mouse. What am I? A mouse murderer?

Because I am trying to drink less at the moment (and also because it was the middle of the day) I marched myself off to the chocolate isle and bought myself a Snickers bar. Chewing on my Snickers as I walked home I thought, I can’t believe I am about to do this. What has this little mouse done to me? Nothing! I mean sure, it’s kind of a home invasion and it is annoying having something else snack on your food, but I mean, it wasn’t really doing anything to harm me, right? But, it’s also a pest and I don’t want it in my house - what am I to do?

I got home and sat on my bed, reading the instructions on the back of the rodent poison, over and over.

POISON!!!!!! RAT AND MOUSE KILLER!!!!!! IMMEDIATE DEATH!!!!!!!

I began to imagine the mouse eating the poison, thinking it was a tasty treat, only to realise a few days later that it felt very sick. I saw it’s little body shaking and imagined how horrible it must feel to be poisoned to death. Did this mouse have thoughts and feelings? Did it have dreams? Had it imagined that it was going to live a full, healthy life and that’s why it picked my house, because it knew I had good taste and would feed it properly?

I mean, the mouse did tuck into some of the more gourmet options in my pantry. I am talking everything organic - from pasta and soba noodles, to muesli and biodynamic sunflower seeds. Some of these items hadn’t even been opened, and that little mouse decided to chew, chew, chew it’s way through the packaging. It was having a great old time in my pantry!! 

I decided that although I didn’t want to do this, I had to put the poison underneath the oven and message the owner of my house to send someone over to inspect for any more rodents. I felt awful, and cried for a long time, praying that God wouldn’t send me to hell for what I was about to do. Yes, if you grew up in church you will be familiar with CATHOLIC GUILT, or in my case FUNDAMENTAL PENTECOSTAL CHRISTIAN GUILT. And if that doesn’t make much sense to you, it’s probably a good thing. 

I threw the poison under the oven, said my prayers, thanked the mouse for all of the goodness I am sure it brought to this world, and sat down with my laptop to write this story. As I write this, my cats are currently sleeping on the couch, blissfully unaware of the duties I now expect them to perform. I hope that from here on in, I don’t have to murder any more mice and that my organic pantry staples will be kept for me and me alone to eat. 

This little mouse, made me think about how us humans have trampled all over this world, totally oblivious to the fact that we are poisoning our planet everyday. I get upset if I see a spider or a critter in my house because I think, no, this is my house and you’re not meant to be here. But really, we took over their homes without even asking, so no wonder sometimes they just want to come inside and play. 

Look, I am not inviting the population of mice in Toorak over anytime soon, but it does make me wonder how we can live *as one with nature*. How can we work together to keep this planet alive? How can we learn from nature and animals, the best way to live? If this little mouse came into my life to show me that I am caring and loving toward the furry friends in my life, and that I need to be mindful that I am not the true custodian of this land, then I am very grateful for it teaching me that.

Oh no, cue the tears.

Perhaps that was that little mouse’s purpose - to teach me this lesson today. 

As Bethenny Frankel would say, “I need to start drinking alcohol. NOW.” 

*pours wine, cries and thanks God for that little mouse* 

I will see you next week fans. Ciao. 

Subscribe now

Leave a comment

Share I'll Start on Monday

Love me?

Hello fans. Can I firstly start by saying a big old THANK YOU for all your love and support following on from last week’s newsletter. I am hesitant to put myself out to the world in such a vulnerable way at times, because I really am baring myself to you all and it can feel so exposing. But, with that comes an opportunity to get closer to people and helps us to develop a deeper understanding of the human condition and I certainly experienced that last week with you all.

The last few days have been tough, to say the least. Premier Daniel Andrews delivered the heavy news on Thursday evening that Melbourne was going back into lockdown, for the fifth time. I think what has made this lockdown so difficult for many of us is that our state has worked incredibly hard to keep on top of this virus so that the rest of Australia didn’t have to go through what we have been through and yet, here we are again. The “lockdown” in Sydney is so loose they may as well have not even bothered. Gladys demanding “no browsing” and trusting in “common sense” whilst she sets barely there restrictions feels like a kick in the guts for us Victorians who sacrificed months on end of not seeing our friends and families, only leaving our house for one hour a day, having an 8pm curfew and being contained to a 5km radius.

With some of the toughest restrictions in the world placed on top of us, the announcement of yet another lockdown stirs up a strong cocktail of emotions within. I have linked an article in the resources section that sums this feeling up perfectly and perhaps as it did for me, will help those of you in lockdown to feel less alone in how you’re feeling right now.

Alright, alright I hear you. Let’s lighten the mood with some Gladys memes.

And here is one I made all by myself:

When lockdown was announced, I decided to make the quick escape down to the beach to stay with my single bubble friend. In an attempt to get through lockdown five point oh, we decided we would set aside a large portion of our time to eating and drinking. I love throwing together quick, simple meals that are equally yummy as they are healthy. With both of us being money conscious these days, we looked to the fridge and pantry for ideas on what to cook. I spotted some flatbread, olives, half a tomato, a red chilli, parsley and a jar of homemade pesto and knew exactly what to make for our Sunday lunch - flatbread pizza. Paired with some garlic and truffle infused olive oil we had ourselves two types of flatbreads to tuck into, paired with a herby salad tossed in a homemade dressing and a few vinos, we were certainly two happy lockdowners!

Recipe as follows if you want to whip this up at home.

Flatbread pizza

serves 2-3

INGREDIENTS
2 flatbreads
1 red chilli
1 large clove of garlic
Dried oregano
Truffle infused olive oil (or whatever you have on hand)
Big handful of parsley
Marinated olives
Jar of pesto (or you could use tomato paste or skip this altogether)
Tomato (whatever you have)
Pecorino Romano (but again use whatever cheese you have, if you want to use cheese!)

METHOD
1. Turn your oven on to the highest possible temperature - you want it v hot.

2. Pop your flatbreads onto a baking tray with some baking paper underneath.

3. Finely chop your garlic and chilli. Put half the garlic and chilli into a bowl, pour in your desired amount of oil and dried oregano and give it a good old mix.

4. Spread this over one flatbread and season with salt and pepper (your flatbread may already be seasoned so be sure to check first so you can season accordingly).

5. Add the remaining garlic and chilli to the bowl, chop up a handful of olives and as much tomato as your heart desires and throw them in (or delicately place).

6. Grab your pesto (or whatever you’re using for the base, you can always just add olive oil into the mix if you don’t have pesto or tomato paste) and spread it all over the second flatbread. Add your garlicky, tomato and olive mix on top and season very lightly with salt and pepper.

7. I topped mine with a little bit of fresh parsley here and only the slightest shaving of Pecorino Romano on top, but you do whatever you want.

8. Pop your flatbreads into the oven and cook for roughly five minutes. I didn’t time this step, but just keep an eye on them. You will know they are done when the sides of the flatbread are golden and the toppings are bubbling ever so slightly.

9. If you desire some delicious salad to go alongside, I usually opt for a half lettuce, half herb situation. I like to make a dressing of olive oil, white wine vinegar, dijon mustard, maple syrup and red onion, but when I can’t be bothered I dress the salad with just olive oil and lemon juice. I don’t measure quantities, I just eyeball and hope for the best - and always add in salt and pepper.

10. Take your flatbreads out of the oven, top with parsley, slice them up and serve alongside the salad and a glass of white wine (I opted for a glass of Soave).

You really can use whatever you have in your fridge or pantry to make these flatbreads. Anchovies + garlic + chives or basil + feta + sundried tomatoes or sausage + dried fennel + rocket - the combinations are limitless! Enjoy!

LADY SPOTLIGHT

So after last week, I wanted to make an effort to share the women who I do love and support because physical and mental health, wellbeing and spirituality play a huge part in my life and always will. Now, you might not trust my instincts after not parting ways with the person I spoke about last week, but believe me when I say I back these women and what they offer and I think you should too (if it’s right for you!)

This week I am featuring the beautiful Jess from Soma Tide. I first met Jess last year while doing a mentorship and although we are yet to me in person, we hit it off right from the get go thanks to Zoom. Jess is a vedic astrologer and is very different to the western astrologers that you often read about. Jess has so kindly written up a cosmic surf report for you this week and I think it will resonate particularly with those of you in lockdown.

Click here to download a copy of the report.

For more information on Jess, visit her website and her Instagram. Jess is running a Kumbha workshop on Saturday 24 June at a sliding scale price between $22-44 and is offering her one on one Alchemy sessions at an introductory offer of $71 (usually $99). I am hoping to attend the workshop, so if you are too, I will virtually see you there!

LIFE UPDATES

1. Airtasker. Yaz knew he had been caught out for being the world’s worst Airtasker and after multiple failed attempts to get in touch with him (from both myself and Airtasker), your girl got her full refund. Very happy.

2. In today’s episode of I Am a Single Woman Who Lives Alone I forgot to mention last week that I put my couch together all on my own AND with my vaccinated arm. Talk about independent.

3. As you may remember from a few newsletters ago, I never bothered to shut down the electricity and gas from my old apartment. Well hey presto, because I moved back in to my old place, I never had to worry about organising a new account for the apartment as we were already up and running from before. If that’s not forward planning, I don’t know what is!

4. Now, I work 9-5, six days a week and don’t have time to run a lot of life errands. Both post offices in my area are open 9-5 during the week, 9-12 on Saturday and closed Sundays. Over the last few months I have ordered chocolate, wine, wacky health powders and coffee online, had no time to collect the parcels and as a result I had forgotten about them. On Thursday I had a sudden burst of WHERE ARE THOSE THINGS I ORDERED THAT TIME mixed with I AM GOING TO ACTION THIS TASK IMMEDIATELY. The nespresso I ordered in April? Got sent back to the warehouse, I contacted their chat support online, they said no problemo we will just send it back to you again and less than 24 hours later my delicious coffee had arrived at my doorstep. Chocolate ordered in May? Well, that company ended up closing down and I have subsequently come to terms with never seeing my overpriced chocolate again. Moving on. Wine? Sitting at the post office since June. Wacky healthy powders? Also at the same post office. Now to some this could come across as avoidant, lazy, forgetful and disorganised (some words used by our wellness friend from last week - wowie!!) but guess what, this is who I am and how I run things. If anything, all of these items have arrived perfectly in time for lockdown so sorry, but, I think that sounds like forward planning again, no?

RESOURCES

1. If you are at all interested in trauma or psychology, I highly recommend you sign up to this Talks on Trauma series by Dr Gabor Maté. A dear friend recommended it to me and I am so glad she did. You only have three days to watch all of the videos, so if you don’t have time to get through them all, at the very least watch the documentary. It’s incredible.

2. This article was sent to me by a friend once we heard the news of Melbourne’s fifth lockdown on Thursday afternoon. It literally brought me to tears.

3. Froomes is my inspiration. I love and adore her and I think you should too. See her Instagram and newsletter here.

4. Another inspiration of mine is Caitlin, who I started following a few years ago when I stumbled across her YouTube. Since then, we have become friends (lucky me hehe) and shared our love of cooking, self-introspection, fashion and yoga. Her YouTube is full of inspiring videos, her newsletter is incredibly thought-provoking and her Instagram is one of my favourites.

5. Here’s another banger to groove to at Club Living Room.

And as always, if you made it this far, WELL SO YOU SHOULD HAVE!!

All my love,

Nikki Coo Coo Ca Choo x

CEO of the office of Avoidance, Laziness, Forgetfulness and Disorganisation.

Leave a comment

Subscribe now

Feed me?

What. A. Week.

I don’t even know where to begin, so I am going to roll with the same numbering system as we did last week in order to break down the week that was. Here goes nothing.

1. Women in wellness

Well-no. That is my new word when it comes to the (mainly white) wellness space that women occupy and take space up in. (Okay I do still love Gwyneth Paltrow, I am sorry) After this week, I will no longer be giving my money to people who preach a lifestyle that they themselves do not live by. I won’t name and shame (not in the mood to be presented with a defamation lawsuit lol) but last week I had the most bizarre and quite frankly, concerning, encounter with someone I used to work with (and considered a friend) this week and it has left me rather shaken up.

I should have listened to the inner voice that was telling me from the day I met this person, to never go back. Instead, I continued to pay for their services and promote them on Instagram, all while feeling something about them was incredibly off. When I spoke to my therapist about it last week, she asked why I would keep going back to something that didn’t serve me.

“FOMO?” I queried.

“It’s not about FOMO for you, Nicole.”

“What is it then? Maybe I am an opportunist and want to take on every chance I can get to learn?”

She looked at me, with that face of you know that isn’t true, and she was right. That was definitely not true.

“It’s because you like to keep up with the cool crowd. You like to be seen with the “it girls” of wellness and feel special by being invited to attend this retreat with only the top students of this teacher. It makes you feel special because you’re the favourite, and that is why you keep going back to people who don’t make you feel good because for whatever reason, you have deemed them superior. Having them include you makes you feel like one of them.”

Well, I’ve never felt more exposed in my life, I will tell you that. And you know what, she is spot on. I do love being the favorite (hello that is why I loved the movie of the same name, I could heavily relate). I do like feeling special. I do want to be cool (whatever cool even is). I have always been this way, and up until now, I didn’t think there was anything wrong with it.

She asked me if the cool mentality aligned with my values, and of course I said no. It’s not like I am Hillary Clinton or Michelle Obama’s favourite person - I am pining for the attention and acceptance of people who I have decided matter and are of *noteworthy status* who actually don’t live by values that I aspire to. And I am not just referring to this one person, I am talking about people from day dot that I have hoped and prayed would accept me, and for what?

When I was in highschool, it was my dream to be POPULAR. I would stare at the cool group and PRAY TO GOD that I would wake up COOL. And HOT. And FUN. And SMART. But NOT TOO SMART JUST A COOL AMOUNT OF SMART. 12 year old me was desperate to be seen, loved and accepted by a bunch of people who just happened to earn the popular title, based on nothing other than an unknown hierarchical system that will forever remain a mystery. (Also I know this isn’t an experience known just to me, but this is an identity crisis that has carried on out of highschool is something I *clearly* need to deal with lol).

Was I ever popular? No. I wasn’t. And I suppose in my adult life I am seeking that desire out still and as a result, I end up in positions like this where I am being abused on email, blocked on social media and having someone tell all their followers about their “toxic encounter” with someone. I have been called a lot of things in life, but toxic is a newbie. *Adds to bio*

Aside from that incredible breakthrough in therapy, I was able to reach out to a number of other women who also had bad, if not worse experiences with this person which made me feel less crazy and alone, and a lot safer in how I was feeling. They all had pretty much the exact same encounter as I did and by sharing our experiences, we realised that the issues are all on this person, and not on us. I only hope that other women who continue to work with this person are able to listen to their gut feeling too, and get out before they end up in the position I did.

I spent thousands of dollars with this person, even when I had no job last year during lockdown, and do you think they ever once supported my newsletter? (Which they helped mentor me to start).

Nope.

If that doesn’t say it all, then I don’t know what does.

2. Sprung by our CEO

So, a while ago, I booked a desk at our CEO’s office at work as I wanted to mix up the space I was working from, plus meeting some other staff and our CEO sounded like a good plan to me.

Around 12pm, one of the girls was eating hot chips for lunch.

I love hot chips.

Their salty, greasy, delicious smell wafted into my nose and all the way up to my brain and whispered “have me for lunch too”.

So off I went, got my chips, bought them back to my desk and ate as many as I could. That night, we had a board meeting that finished rather late, so by the time we wrapped I was ready to get home. In my mad dash out the door, I forgot to put my remainder chips in the bin and they were left there, on their lonesome, ready for someone else to deal with the next day.

I worked from the same office on Monday, and my CEO popped his head out of his office and said “Ahh, Nicole. The chip girl!”

My eyes widened. Shoot, do people know I love hot chips? I continued to stare blankly at him, my eyes widening past the perimeter of my head causing me to resemble one of those filters that make you look like a bug on Instagram.

“Ahh chips?” I responded with the highest pitched voice I think I have ever used in my whole entire life.

“Yes!” he replied. “You left your chips when you were here last and for three days I wondered what on earth that smell was lingering in the office!”

I am not going to lie - I don’t remember what I did yesterday, let alone some hot chips I consumed almost two months ago but for our CEO TO REMEMBER THE CHIPS LEFT ON A DESK OF AN EMPLOYEE HE MET ONCE?! I guess that is why he is the CEO and gets paid the big old bucks. My mission for the rest of my life? Never leave any food items anywhere that isn’t a bin, and develop the insane memory skills of our CEO. Will keep you posted.

3. Friends who text to check you’re not on a detox

I love my friends who support me. Who don’t look at me all concerned when I tell them “I am only drinking lemon juice for ten days” or “I am only eating green things at the moment”. I love a challenge! I love an experiment! Sometimes I experiment with how much pasta I can eat in one week and sometimes I want to explore what air tastes like.

Prior to me going over to my friends house for dinner, she sent me this text:

LUCKILY for her I was not on a detox and we consumed the most delicious mushroom stroganoff washed down with a few glasses of red. Did I dream about that dish last night? You bet I did.

4. I GOT A NEW COUCH

I GOT A NEW COUCH. And she is insanely beautiful. My new interiors style is New York City meets Toorak and I am here for it. This couch is not only chic, it’s comfortable and for the quality, very affordable (okay affordable isn’t the right word, but I think she is priced well). I got her from Brosa, who are always having “LAST DAY OF 20% OFF SALES” that never end, so don’t let the red, flashing messages all over their website freak you out. Here is the link to the couch and the cushions are from Kmart which you can find here.

5. I got vaccinated baby

On Thursday night last week, I got my first shot of Pfiiiiiiiiizer. Thanks to my job, I was able to get my jab and I feel so lucky and thankful to be in the position to receive my vax. It didn't hurt at all, and the only side effects I felt was a slightly sore arm the next day and feeling a bit tired/heavy in my body. My second jab is booked in a few weeks time so stay tuned on how I go! If you are eligible to receive your dose, you can book your appointment here. If you can’t get in, have no fear, just keep checking back as often as you can and spots will open up.

RESOURCES

1. This episode of The Daily breaks down the new COVID Delta variant we are seeing spreading around the world. Their take on Australia’s lazy vaccine rollout isn’t exactly correct, but that aside I highly recommend listening to this episode.

2. I started following Eloise when her AFL Grand Final video went viral and this week, she came out with another comedic gem that if you haven’t seen already, you must watch.

3. Wondering why I said Pfiiiiiiiizer? Click here.

4. I am loving the Scandal Series from Shameless, and the episodes about Brad, Jen and Angelina were so juicy. Highly recommend.

5. Can’t stop dancing to this song in my living room.

6. Someone who I will support though, is Jess from Soma Tide. She is one of the most kind, generous and aligned people I know. Sign up to her energy reports if you haven’t already - highly recommend.

Well that is all for this week - I know she was a long one, so if you got all the way down to the bottom - I congratulate you!

Now, I better start writing next weeks newsletter so she isn’t two days late again.

CIAO.

Leave a comment

Subscribe now

Feed me?

Hello fans.

So, did I manage to get away without writing a newsletter for two whole weeks? And send it late when I finally get around to writing it? Look, I have an excuse, and a pretty good one at that - I left my laptop charger at my mums house and therefore was unable to charge and subsequently use my laptop this week so how on earth was I meant to write for you folks?

Forgiven? Okay great.

Today’s edition is a collection of moments that I have acquired over the last few weeks and I hope you find them just as funny and engaging as I do. I think some of my most fond memories are often the moments that could be easily overlooked for being mundane. I try and see the humour in as much of my life as possible - humour has kept me sane for 26 years and without it, I’d be a hot mess 24/7.

1. The one star broom

I must admit, I do favour aesthetics over functionality. For my new apartment (!!!) I desired a wooden broom for my kitchen for obvious reasons - it looks good. A plastic broom from le supermarket just simply would not suffice in my cute 1970s kitchen and therefore I made it my mission last week to find the wooden broom of my dreams. The broom in question was from Target. Well priced at $12 and readily available at the Target local to my mum’s house, I decided to hop in the car with Mum (and my sister and her boyfriend, because after all, I meant business) and off we drove to go and inspect the “bad broom”. I would like to point out, G Mass is clearly confused with the rating system here. They have gone for one star in the Value For Money category, and five stars in the Quality category - this does not make any sense. Unless, G Mass thought the finish of the wooden handle part of the broom was the ONLY redeeming quality of the bad broom, I am struggling to understand their logic here. Anyhow, I digress. Against the G Mass’s advice, I went ahead and purchased the broom and boy oh boy was I excited to give her a spin when I returned home!!

I waited a good few days to ensure I had a good amount of content built up on my kitchen floor to test out the broom. I was scoring on both Value For Money and Quality, and would be posting my review on the website, so it needed to be an accurate account. Firstly, I must say how great the quality of the wood is - very smooth and a lovely light sand colour, loves it. Secondly, I opted for a more robust sweeping movement and angled some downward pressure into the floor so the bristles really connected with the contents of my kitchen floor. I was highly impressed with the sweeping motion that the broom was capable of and am happy to report a clean sweep was experienced. Five out of five stars.

2. Dad’s 60th birthday

As some of you may know, my dad passed away five years ago. June 30th is his birthday and had he still been alive today, he would have turned 60. Death freezes people in time in your memory, and the thought of my dad being 60 is something my brain really can’t compute. Although he was 54 when he died, he always seemed 25 to me and forever will be 25 in my mind. He was young at heart, very cheeky and deep down, I think he wished he was driving around the coast in his combi, surfing all day and fishing all night - he really was a true hippie masquerading in a corporate suit. Thanks to Facebook, we don’t have to remember when our friends birthdays are, and because we still have dad’s account active (we don’t know his log in details lol) there’s always the possibility that one of his mates missed the memo of his passing and wish him a happy birthday.

Well, this year certainly delivered.

I honestly couldn’t stop laughing when my sister shared this screenshot in our family chat. The “Hope you’re well mate, enjoy!” part got me so good. At what point do we let Zac know that dad is dead and no longer requires happy birthday messages? I guess we just wait and see what next year brings - stay tuned for 30 June 2022.

3. Remind me never to book an Airtasker again

Airtasker - my least favourite app in the whole world. I have used it before and despite being utterly disappointed in every single Airtasker I have ever booked, I seem to keep going back. Guess that says something about me doesn’t it? Ugh. When I moved house last week, I literally moved from one apartment in my building to another - a simple (ish) move from upstairs to downstairs. Now, luckily I had a set of muscles lying around to help me move most of my furniture, which left me with one final thing to sort out - moving the damn fridge. THE GOOD OLD I NEED TO MOVE A FRIDGE DEBACLE. I had counted on a few men to activate their biceps and transport my fridge from A to B, but alas, that plan fell through. So, back to Airtasker I went. I popped the job up for $30 (I KNOW BUT I DIDN’T WANT TO SPEND) and a gentleman by the name of Yaz offered $40 to do the job the next day. I accepted it smuggly, feeling pretty damn pleased with myself. Here I am, a newly single woman, doing things I would normally depend on my partner to organise, all by my cute little self! Well, Yaz proved to be the worst Airtasker I have ever come across, and I assume the people who rated him five stars out of five either have no standards or are his mates booking him to get him some good ratings because I would rate Yaz no stars (I seem to be in a real “reviewing” mood this week).

Yaz rocked up at 12:30pm, despite agreeing to meet me at 2pm. Clearly unphased by his hastiness, I didn’t hear from Yaz for another 3.5 hours, when he decided that 2pm really meant 4pm. I greeted him with as much coldness as I possibly could, and almost like his mother, I asked him “where have you been all afternoon?” You know what he replied back with?! “Well I was here at 12:30pm, so.” HUH? WHAT? OH SORRY, 2PM MEANS 12:30PM!!!!! MY BAD YAZ!!!!!!!!!!!!

Not only was he equipped with zero communication skills, he read the “must bring a trolley” requirement as “bring my mate instead” and in the process of not using a trolley, him and his mate put a big old dint in my beautiful fridge and still had the nerve to request payment for the job. You better believe I wrote a stern email to the support team requesting a refund in full. Updates to come.

4. Moving house

Some of you may know that I moved downstairs with my neighbour (who became my roommate and now very dear friend) at the beginning of the year. The plan always was to live together for a few months and then she would move out when she found a place down by the beach, and I would take over the lease and live on my own. She ended up finding the place of her dreams a lot quicker than initially planned and moved out mid May. No more than a week later, I saw online that my old apartment upstairs had been significantly reduced in rent, making it even cheaper than the place I was currently in. You know when your heart starts to race, a million different outcomes start circling your mind and you start feeling like you have to make a decision about something right in that very moment? That was me - I couldn’t concentrate on anything else other than “what should I do?”

I decided to approach my current agent about negotiating a price and in the meantime, send a message to the owner of my old place and see if he would be open to me applying. I made a promise to myself, that whatever the outcome was, was the one that was meant to be. Stick that quote on your pinterest board.

Well, the agent came back declining my offer, my old landlord sent me a big “YES!” and I gave my 28 days notice immediately. I felt apprehensive. After all, this was the apartment that I once shared with my partner and I worried it may a) make me feel sad and b) feel like I am stepping back in time, but as soon as I had those keys in my hand I couldn’t have been any happier. I feel like I am back home, back in a place I simply adored and I am excited to make it my very own. I apologise in advance if this becomes an interiors themed newsletter (not blog - people keep calling this a blog and it’s a newsletter, we are not in 2009 people. No one has blogs anymore!!!)

5. Hustling

I have a love-hate relationship with this word. I see a lot of people advocating for one extreme or the other - either work your butt off and climb your way to the top of the ladder, or let go of outcome and expectation and denounce being busy altogether. I have never really identified with the latter, despite often finding myself in a slump, watching housewives and drinking wine on a Tuesday when I really should be studying.

I have a friend who inspires me a lot particularly when it comes to career aspirations. She excelled in uni, scored internships that were extremely tough to get and worked for Bloomberg in her early/mid 20s, all without a single complaint. I spoke to her last night, and was asking her about working six days a week (she also worked full time and did a day in retail, as I currently do), studying, writing the newsletter and still doing auditions. She said to me something so profound that is going to stick with me forever - “Be the Nikki of your dreams. When you are having a day, when you think you can’t possibly keep going, think about the Nikki of your dreams and what she would do in that moment.”

I love this because it reminds me that my hustle, is different to your hustle - it cannot be measured. I have a lot on my plate right now, but I wouldn’t have it any other way and now when I have worked a big week, and the last thing I want to do is watch a lecture, I am going to think about the Nikki of my dreams and what she would do in that moment. (I can tell you she’d be pouring herself a glass of wine, watching the lecture and taking colour coded notes).

RESOURCES

1. Doja Cat’s new album. IT IS SO GOOD.

2. I am a bit late to the party on this one but Love on the Spectrum has me hooked. A must watch!

   Subscribe now

   Leave a comment

Feed Me

Hi.

You probably don’t remember me, but my name is Nicole and I apparently wrote a weekly newsletter that was birthed in lockdown of 2020 (along with many other newsletters and babies). (I didn’t have a baby dw)

I remember saying something about taking a break over the summer and somehow that turned into a month, which turned into a few more, which turned into six months and now we are here. There has been a lot of changes in my life since then, and to be quite honest with you, there was simply no urge within me to even sit down in front of my laptop and just stare at a blank page, let alone write a single sentence on said blank page.

Today’s newsletter isn’t going to be profound or very well-thought-out but I knew if I didn’t just open my laptop and start typing, I would have found a million other excuses as to why I couldn’t write an edition of the newsletter and probably would have never written one again.

I don’t know about you, but I find it hard to keep momentum going. As soon as I stop something, I really stop for good. The “older” I get (lol) the more I seem to lose the will to live a well-rounded, exciting, inspiring and driven life. The thought of finishing my university degree is so overwhelming, that I simply just don’t do it. Claiming back all of my psychologist session rebates? I don’t think so. Calling the energy provider of my old place to cancel their services? Not me. Invoicing the person I was assisting for a few months? I am sorry but I can’t do it.

This dooms-like, dreaded feeling is something experienced by many millenials; often referred to as errand paralysis. Errand paralysis has caused me quite a lot of strife over the years. For example, a number of years ago I racked up thousands of dollars in fines for travelling on tolls with an expired e-tag, simply because I could not find the will to change my bank account details with Linkt and didn’t realise that four beeps meant my e-tag had expired. (I just thought it was excited to be on a toll, no?) I truly still haven’t cancelled the energy provider from my last place, and because I haven’t found the desire to pay the outstanding bills the company have conveniently switched off the service, meaning I (hopefully) don’t have to go through the agony of calling them up and having to have the cancellation talk!

I KNOW. I know it sounds ridiculous - I really do. Even as I sit here typing this out I think, get a grip Nikki and pull yourself together. How hard is it? How hard can it really be?

Well, there is this fabulous thing going around called burnout, and I for one suffered burnout on and off from around 2018-2020. I know 2020 for many caused a lot of serious problems and was potentially one of the worst years of people’s lives, but for me, being forced to rest and do nothing was the 365 day recovery I never knew I needed. As life has opened back up though, I have noticed that all of the habits I developed last year have somehow been thrown out the window, never to be seen again.

Suddenly, I am working six days a week, studying part time, starting a small business, working shoots after my 9-5, auditioning on my lunch break and trying to work out/meditate/walk/read/eat/journal/keep a clean house/breathe etc.

Okay I literally just read that back and it made me feel stressed out just reading it. I don’t understand why I cannot say NO to working a day in retail still, declining auditions that aren’t worth my time, saying no to having a coffee with someone I met once through a friend of a friends friend or trying to push myself to do three units of uni when I can barely keep up with one. You may be thinking, why the incessant need to prove to everyone that we can do it all and do it with ease? Why are we obsessed with glorifying being busy?

I wonder if, it’s not that being busy in and of itself is necessarily the problem, but that we are trying to do too many things that we really don’t want to be doing. As opposed to focusing on say, work and uni, we end up trying to cram in as many things as we can into our week, resulting in spreading ourselves so thin it becomes impossible to give even 10% of yourself to a task. We don’t value our time enough to make ourselves set boundaries and utter out loud the glorious word that is NO.

“NO NO NO NO NO NO NO”

Now, aside from me having problems with setting boundaries, not knowing how to say no, not valuing my time, experiencing burnout and errand paralysis and not knowing how to prioritize my needs (are you sure you still want to be friends with me?), the other BONUS round in this game is suffering from PERFECTIONISM!! WOOHOO!!

If you are like me, you obsess over everything being PERFECT, which means the thought of simply starting anything is deemed impossible without having some Type A style plan of execution ready to go before you can start anything, ever. I held off writing this newsletter partly due to not having the motivation/will to go on, but partly due to worrying about the FORMAT and the MINI PROJECT and the RESOURCES and all those extra parts in the newsletter that guess what, I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR!

I challenge you to go back to what you learnt from last year in lockdown and see how many of those habits have slowly faded away since we have gone back to some sort of normal routine (I mean really, what even is “normal” - I am writing this as we are in yet another lockdown here in Melbourne). But I know you know what I am talking about - we are six months into 2021 and it’s a nice old time to sit down with your cute old self and have a look at what you can start saying NO to so that you can say YES to the things you really want to do.

So, from now on, I am going to attempt to just open up my laptop and start writing, and whatever happens to blurt out onto the page that week is the newsletter you are going to get in your inbox. Hey, maybe you will get lucky one week, and I will include a VLOG in the newsletter, but for now you are just getting whatever it is that my brain can conjure up. I am also going to attempt to say NO more and see how it feels. Maybe I will even think about sending off my invoices or paying my energy bills?

ALRIGHT TIME FOR THE CALL TO ACTION:

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE feed my ego and write loads of encouraging comments down below so that I can feel loved, appreciated and missed - THANK YOU IN ADVANCE AND THANK YOU IF YOU GOT ALL THE WAY TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS NEWSLETTER.

LOVE AND HUGS XXX

RESOURCES (because I love you)

1. If you were like “wow I have errand paralysis” then you need to read this article.

2. This article spoke to me. I now call restaurants and ask for their EARLIEST booking available. I am talking what is the absolute earliest I can be there. 5pm? BOOKED.

3. This is a long essay and I am yet to read it, but highly recommend that you do too.

Buy Me A Coffee!

OKAY. SHE IS FINALLY HERE! I won’t lie, I kinda forgot that I was putting a final newsletter. It was in the back of my mind like, I think you needed to send out a newsletter? Didn’t you start writing it already? Are you going to maybe, finish it and send it out?

So fans, I suggest you pour yourself a drink and cosy up on the couch because she is a long one today. Here we go!

1. Trust your gut. When you get that funny feeling in your chest, pause and let it sink in. Each time I ignored that inkling in my stomach this year, I found myself in situations that I could have easily avoided. Sometimes the feeling is so faint it almost feels as though it is masquerading as anxiety or overthinking, but the more you listen to that feeling, the quicker you’ll be able to discern that it’s your body telling you to proceed with caution.

2. You don’t have to be friends with everybody. For the large part of my life I often found myself on the outer, never feeling “cool” or “fun” enough for anyone. As time went on, I found myself being invited to more and more outings which led to my inner child jumping for joy at the thought of being included. I have realised this year that, whilst it is nice to feel included, it often means you get carried away with far too events in your calendar, leaving hardly enough time for your closest friends, and for yourself. I am learning that being friendly and being friends are two very different concepts.

3. Shower before bed. There is nothing like feeling clean and fresh before jumping into your cosy bed. It gets me into the routine of getting ready to sleep and helps me to relax and unwind. Do it.

4. Walk everyday. Walk around the block, your local park, up to your favourite cafe - I don’t care what you do just make sure you walk everyday.

5. A clean space is a happy space. You KNOW you feel better when your space is clean. I try and make it fun by putting some music on and seeing how quickly I can do my clean up, as well as doing my best to tidy up a little everyday.

6. Don’t try CPR on something that is dead. I will leave that there for you to think about.

7. Different friendships serve different purposes. Some are your work friends, some your going out friends, some are your deep discussion friends - and some are all of the above. I have learnt that not all of my friends want to be quizzed on how they think their childhood had affected them as adults just as others may not want to go out for wine and would rather a cup of tea at my house instead.

8. Set boundaries. This is like so hard for me lol as I have such a hard time saying no to anything out of fear of disappointing everyone around me. I am learning that it takes time to know what you do and don’t feel comfortable with, and that boundaries are ever evolving and growing. They don’t need to be concrete but they do need to be respected, by others but more importantly yourself.

9. (Mostly) nothing is personal. We naturally project onto those around us and if you can begin to see where people might be coming from you will start to see that a lot of your encounters with people, aren’t about you!!

10. My way of thinking isn’t the only way. I can have a hard time seeing things from other people’s point of view and often dump my advice and opinions on them completely unsolicited. I realised this year that I can be judgemental, to others and myself, which I know now was born through many years spent growing up in church. I am actively working on accepting that everyone is different, and that it is none of my business to get involved in the way you chose to live your own life. If anything, it often stirs up insecurities within myself and that is something I need to take responsibility for.

11. Try not to take on other’s energy/emotions. “As an empath” (I cringe when I hear myself saying that but like I am one sooooo) I do take on the energy and emotions of those around me, whether I am directly or indirectly connecting with them. We can listen and sympathise with others, but we can also chose how much we get involved.

12. Learn to say no. Just say it!! Say it to your cats!! To your plants!! To yourself in the mirror!! Just practise feeling comfortable saying no and not feeling bad about it.

13. There will never be enough money in the world to make you happy. Of course I’d rather be depressed on a yacht but valuing money over quality of life will never serve you well. I used to work so much that I spent my days off feeling exhausted and empty. I refuse to do that anymore.

14. We resist what is good for us. That gym class? Morning meditation? Daily walk? You know you feel better when you do it, but the doing is the hardest part. Take a look at what you find yourself gravitating towards and ask yourself, is this what you need or is it simply convenient?

15. Smile at the people you walk past. You will be surprised by the reactions you get, which is half the fun of it. Most people just blank me or give me this “do I know you?” look. It’s too funny, but I know they love to see it.

16. Being kind goes a very long way. Giving thanks to the attendant putting your groceries through at the market, saying “excuse me” if you need to pass someone walking in the street or asking how your waiter is when you order your coffee. We are all too concerned with our own lives that we forget how these simple gestures can make someone’s day.

17. Instagram isn’t real life. Oh really Nikki, you think we didn’t know that?! I hear you say. Well yes, sometimes I do think you forget, cause I know I do too! Just as we project onto people in real life, we do so too when we see stories and posts online. We jump to conclusions and come up with an entire story in our head after seeing a 20 second clip and it affects the way we feel in that moment and the choices we make thereafter. Don’t let Instagram influence the way you think life is meant to be.

18. Find joy in the mundane. This year I learnt that vacuuming is thrilling, hanging my washing out on the line is satisfying and sitting at home with a glass of wine watching Netflix is my idea of heaven.

19. Turns out going for brunch isn’t worth it. We spent $60 on brunch the other weekend and I was like wow, how did I let that happen? Going for a coffee is the way to do it, and then treating yourself to a brunch here and there will feel special. (bUt YoU dO YoU bOo)

20. You do not need to seek worth or validation from men. I have never felt desirable or good enough for men, ever. Although I have called myself a feminist for so long, I was unaware of how deeply ingrained the patriarchy is within each of us which often left me wondering why I still felt the need to be considered acceptable by a cis heterosexual man. Since following Clementine Ford (she’s not as extreme as you think so don’t at me about that) I have learnt that I am enough, just as I am and on my terms. It’s a lifelong process but one that I am committed to.

21. Your thoughts are just thoughts. They aren’t real. They can’t hurt you. They don’t define you. They come and go. Some pop up to disrupt you more than others, but for the most part they are white noise that don’t need to be addressed. Meditation does help with this, so does journaling, walking and praying. These rituals enable us to be conscious and present, and when we are both of those things we are so much more intune with the inner workings of our mind.

22. White privilege is real. Google it and educate yourself. Pay POC for their labour when seeking resources about this.

23. Reverse racism does not exist. Same as above.

24. Take people at face value. When people show you who they are, believe them. Don’t tiresely give them the benefit of the doubt or make excuses. I am learning to believe that what you see, is what you get. This isn’t being harsh or judgemental, this is being realistic. You can absolutely try to understand why people are they way they are, but the more you just accept what people show you about themselves, the happier you will be.

25. The best approach is head on. I love to avoid difficult topics and dance around confrontation, but I am learning to tackle uneasy situations as best as I can right there and then. If you don’t speak up, you don’t give others the chance to understand how you’re feeling and have their say in the matter. I still find this really difficult to do, so I am being gentle on myself as I learn this new habit.

26. You are the agent of your own life. I have been talking about the concept of agency with my therapist, and how too often we let other people pull the strings for us as we play the role of puppet. We really have the power to get what is is we desire in our life. We aren’t puppets! We aren’t being controlled by work, money, friends and lovers. If you want something, go and get it. If you aren’t content, make a change. My therapist always tells me, at the end of the day we are alone with ourselves. We are are our best, best friend. You would do anything for a best friend no? So, do the same for yourself.

27. Life is inherently simple. It really is. My priorities and values have shifted over the course of this year simply because a lot of what my identity was rooted in (work, socialising etc) was taken away from me during lockdown. I have a roof over my head, food to eat, a bed to sleep on, clean hot water, fresh drinking water, clothes on my back and my friends and family close by.

MOMENTS FROM THIS YEAR

1. Going to LA. Although this was the most tumultuous and scariest trip of my life, I learnt so much and essentially had a tonne of perspective dropped on me in the space of five weeks. I learnt that sadly, there are people out there who want to hurt you and get a kick out of doing so. I have never felt so alone, anxious and threatened in my life but as a friend of mine said to me last week, people come into your life to teach you, support you or do both and that (no longer) friend of mine certainly popped by to teach me a thing or two!! When I was over there, I had no bed to sleep on, my shower didn’t work for a week, hardly any friends/connections and not much money to spend on food. Now, everytime I get into bed or jump into a hot shower, I literally PRAISE JESUS lol. Like I fully say in my head THANK YOU GOD. This trip taught me that everything in life is a lesson. You have to take both the good and the bad in order to learn, grow and expand.

2. Not working for most of this year. There. I said it. I DON’T LIKE HAVING TO WORK! THANK YOU, NEXT!

3. Getting to know my neighbours. Honestly, it’s been the best part of this year! I have said it in a previous newsletter, but taking the time to get to know both Lee and Eva kept me sane during 2020, especially during stage four lockdown. There is nothing better than meeting like minded, intelligent, driven and engaging women and knowing that you will be friends for life.

4. Realising I am an incredible cook. I am available for catering any parties that may or may not happen in 2021.

5. Coffee in glass cups and picnics with friends. I will never take those things for granted again. PROMISE!!!

6. I LOVE STAYING HOME! I truly treasure a homemade cheese board or a night watching RHOB with a glass of wine. Pure happiness.

7. Lunch at Brae. At the beginning of the year, we ate and stayed at Brae and had one of the most beautiful experiences. I highly recommend going (definitely something to save for) and I was so grateful I got to go before everything shut down this year. Memories I will cherish forever!

8. MY CATS ARE MY LIFE. Rocky had a major health scare this year and we thought we were going to lose him forever. Thank god for our incredible vet, who saved Rocky’s life and helped him have a speedy recovery. Now I hug and kiss him 100 times a day he he (Rocky, not the vet).

9. My daily walks getting me through lockdown. I still sometimes find myself not being bothered to go for a walk, but when I reflect back on how much they kept me sane this year I am reminded that walking is a daily ritual I want to keep up. Not only is walking so good for your physical health, it helps clear your mind and gives you time to ponder life on your own.

11. AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST.. MY BIRTHDAY IN LOCKDOWN! At first I was kinda sad at the thought of not seeing my family and friends on my birthday but once the day itself came around I actually had so much fun. Many birthday surprises were planned for me, including my living room being decorated as an Italian bistro for an aperitif hour, which then magically turned into Melbourne and we were “at” Attica having dinner and next minute I was watching Swan Lake in our study aka the Arts Centre! The next evening we had dinner with my mum, sister and her boyfriend over zoom - devouring a dinner made by a beautiful French woman who created identical menus for us so we could “eat together” over zoom. The creativity that came out of this year still astounds me and I hope we continue to take the ability to think outside the box into 2021, and many years to come.

RIGHT. If you made it all the way to the bottom, you probably deserve another drink or two! Thank you for sticking with me this year and coming along for this journey. I have loved every interaction with you all since starting the newsletter and I do hope you get as much out of reading the newsletter as I do writing it. I am going to take a few more weeks off he he but I will be back before you know it.

Whether this was the best or worst year, or a bit of both, I hope that you continue to ask questions, stay curious, commit to learning and take care of yourself. Sending all my love, have a safe and happy new year and see you in 2021!

(I was hoping some profound quote would drop into my mind to finish the newsletter on but it didn’t so, maybe next year?) (And soz for any spelling mistakes. I can’t be bothered combing over this for the 2830th time lol).

Nikki xxx

Buy Me A Coffee!

Soooooo, I do realise it’s Tuesday and the newsletter was meant to be in your inbox YESTERDAY. Look, fans, I am sorry. I am still getting my head around having a job (albeit a few days a week lol) and having my routine totally changed up.

Excuses aside, here we are ready to rumble!

This is the second last newsletter for the year as I am going to take a few weeks off to plan and organise myself for 2021. Next week’s newsletter is going to be a roundup of all the lessons I have learnt this year and a little bit of housekeeping in regards to what you, the fans, would love to see in the newsletter moving forward.

Having this platform to connect and share with you all has truly been such an anchor for me this year. Whilst studying with Honey in The Temple (learn more about this online mentorship) I realised that my dreams of being a writer had slowly dwindled when I didn’t get accepted into a Bachelor of Creative Writing at RMIT after graduating from high school back in 2012. I felt so sure, so confident, that I would get in. I am a fabulous writer, one of the best in my year level - I’ve got this one in the bag! I remember one of my pieces being about meeting God at the door between Earth and Heaven and upon opening the door, I learnt that God was indeed a woman. Wow! I thought. This is going to blow RMIT’s mind!

Well. I didn’t get into RMIT and ended up being accepted into a Bachelor of Arts at Monash (which some may argue doesn’t make sense but who am I to judge lol), where the Creative Writing course was quite frankly terrible. The head of the Writing Faculty had just published her latest book and so of course, each lecture and tutorial was more of a marketing push that it was a lesson in the art of writing.

I spent three, grueling years there, chopping between part time and full time study with no real end goal in sight. I went through a phase of “trying new things” with no thought or reason behind doing so, other than to just give it a shot. If it were a hobby I was trying, that would be a great approach. But when you’re studying at one of the best universities in the world whilst burying yourself in astronomical debt, perhaps blindly enrolling in a philosophy unit (having never done philosophy in my life) may not be the best idea. (I also attempted French because oui oui I had done ballet for 15 years I know French! I tried International Studies, a unit of typography, Behavioural Science - I mean the list goes on!)

Although my high school was notable, we weren’t encouraged to actively go after our dreams. It was more of a “just meet the requirements” approach, which was one that didn’t quite sit with my desire to be highly successful. Being an overachiever somehow was painted as a negative trait, especially if you were pursuing anything in the humanities or creative department. Boys at school would laugh at my art class, made up of five girls who were fierce, driven and looking to push the boundaries in their work. I often questioned the hierarchy of subjects at high school, not quite understanding how one subject could truly be measured against another. Our careers counsellor talked me about of pursuing Fine Arts or Drama at university, and pushed me towards a Bachelor of Arts because “there is no guarantee that you’ll really make it in a creative industry anyway.” A line that has been imprinted in my mind ever since that conversation, one that I assume left a mark in the mind of many other students who had the pleasure of being “counselled” by her. (I suppose in choosing a BA in CREATIVE Writing I felt like I was half taking her advice, half trying to follow my dreams? I see now how I was so worried to just go after what I really wanted and I must admit to this day, I still regret not pursuing Fine Arts BUT ANYWAY I DIGRESS)

I still wonder if schools chose to value the individual strengths and flairs of their students, that we might indeed produce a cohort of young people who feel supported in and compelled to go after what they really want, without worrying if they’re too smart or not smart at all.

I ended up deferring my course after my dad died, and was low key felt thrilled that I finally had an excuse to get out of there. I do look back and wish I had the courage to just put things on hold until I figured out some idea of the path I wanted to take, but, as teenager you don’t have a clue what you want, let alone how to express yourself when you do. The older I get (at 26 lol) the more I realise the divine gift of time. Time allows us to grow, to discover, to try new things. It allows us the opportunity to look back and reflect on what’s working and what isn’t. I understand now that timing is everything, and the path I am on is the right one, for me.

I have recently re enrolled to go back and finish my course, but this time I am doing it the way I want to. A different university, studying primarily online and chipping away at it as I please. I can’t wait to learn new things - to be inspired and excited about writing again in an academic setting.

This newsletter has become a place for me to heal old wounds and recommit myself to my dreams. I never really understood how dreams could be anything more than winning an Oscar or a Man Booker Prize, but I clearly see now that they cannot be measured. Each person who makes up this planet is able to dictate what it is they want to achieve in their time here on Earth, no matter how big or small their desires may seem.

I am so excited to see where this newsletter will take me in 2021 and I truly thank you all for joining me along the way so far. See you next week for the last newsletter of 2020! ADIOS!

RESOURCES

1. This is the best pancake recipe in my opinion. Photo of mine below!

2. ANOTHER FOOD REC. You have to make this!!

3. I am excited to see the new year in with this container - and only $108AUD - bargain!

MOMENTS OF JOY

1. Here is a photo of the pancakes and just look at that fluff. So airy! So light! SO. FLUFFY.

2. More food related things. I had lunch with a girlfriend, Brittany, at one of my fave local spots. It’s a hidden gem and the courtyard out the back feels like you have been transported to Italy!

PROJECT

I would love to know what you guys want to see more of in the projects! They take me a long time to come up with and put together, so I want to make sure they are the best they can be for you so that you feel like you’re getting the most out of them. Please hit reply to this or leave a comment below with any suggestions or thoughts! I always love to hear what you guys think, and what you’re wanting to see more of.

Subscribe now

Leave a comment

Buy Me A Coffee!

Wow. I did NOT know what to write this week.

I did attempt to write a few paragraphs about my new job as a Christmas casual, and after I re-read it was bored to tears. I am not here to bore the fans, and bore the fans I will not! Then I thought, maybe I will write about death, the fans might want to know more about grief right? Well about 15 seconds into thinking about death, I realised that on this beautiful, sunny afternoon (in Melbourne) that is probably the last thing anyone wants to read about.

All of a sudden I started crying because I do miss my Dad a lot and particularly so at this time of year, and whilst I was having this moment with myself, one of the owners in my apartment building started to really annoy me with her pottering about our garden in an attempt to CHAINSAW DOWN A TREE with absolutely ZERO warning. I mean, who does that? Who owns a chainsaw anyway, but who owns one and voluntarily whips it out on a quiet Wednesday afternoon?!

So of course I had to pause the newsletter pondering session and write a stern but friendly but mainly blunt email to my landlord complaining about said noise - which I read about 18 times over to make sure I still sounded sweet and friendly, despite not feeling either of those things in that moment.

Then, I panicked. As soon as I sent the email I thought, how white of me to send an email complaining about some lady chainsawing down a tree. I mean, it is kinda annoying and loud but at the end of the day, she does own the apartment next to me - so good for her I guess - and thanks for keeping our garden looking so, nice?

I also feel like she could be at fault here for me not being able to write today. Like it’s definitely NOT the fact that I didn’t plan ahead to work around my entire two shifts last week, oh no, it’s definitely her!!

While all of this was happening, I could smell this stench wafting up my nose which prompted me to check the cat litter assuming one of them had done le poopie and I needed to scoop and flush. After getting up about three times to see that despite there being no poo in the litter, I could still smell it WAFTING ABOUT, I thought WHERE IS IT COMING FROM? Has the owner caught wind of my email and done a poo near my window?! No, surely not?

Well, I got up to make myself a tea and remembered, I had scooped out the litter into a bag this morning and put it near the kitchen bin ready to take out when I left the house at 11am to see my therapist (love her sm). WELL, of course I forgot to do that because as I swanned into the kitchen to make myself a tea I tripped over the bag of litter and was greeted with a smell that Chris described as “the same smell of toilets at a nightclub”. (Which then I started thinking, when did you go to nightclubs? And how come you remember the smell so clearly? Please explain.) (I will leave that discussion for another day lol I really have already gone on a tangent today, and I am so sorry.)

I still haven’t taken the litter out to the bins, because well, I have become accustomed to the smell in the last few hours and I am really just hoping Chris gets sick of it and do the bin run instead. I am not one for manual labour and I will always get out of it, no matter what.

So there you go, an exclusive sneak peek into my erratic mind. She’s fun! She’s wild! She’s busy! Not a day goes by where I don’t have 832392 thoughts running through my brain and to be quite frank with you, I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I did say I don’t like to bore the fans, sooooo I am hoping that’s still the case?!

ALRIGHTY KEEP SAFE FANS AND SEE YOU NEXT WEEK!! XXX

RESOURCES

1. You have to make this. I use chickpeas instead of chicken but you do you boo.

2. A whopping two people have asked me where I order my veggie box from but I am going to tell you all anyway, and it is here! If you aren’t in their delivery range, you can also go on Sunday’s to the Prahran Market and pick up a mixed fruit and veg box in person. DIVINE.

3. A must read on our obsession with working.

4. If you have a spare $5USD a month, I highly suggest subscribing to Maybe Baby - her subscriber only newsletter this week was so, so good and an absolute must read. (Lucky for the fans I don’t make you pay for exclusive content such as that in which you were treated with today)

MOMENTS OF JOY

1. It was my baby girl Cleo’s birthday last week, so we bought her four new toys and made ourselves brownies to eat on her behalf. She either buries her toys for later discovery, or drags them onto the balcony and guards them with her little paws. I know you really don’t care about that but this is my newsletter and I get to talk about my cats as much as I want, HA!

2. During lockdown I really got to know my neighbours, and now we fully text/hang out/gossip about the owner chainsawing trees and it’s honestly THE BEST. I get to call them my friends and getting to know two of them in particular has been one of the highlights of this year. I often pop down to Lee’s place for a wine, which results in hours of conversation over many glasses of wine or I text Eva three times a day and pester her to go get a coffee with me before she starts work. HOW CUTE IS THAT. *cue happy tears*

3. Lee also gave me this plant last night - I mean how nice is that?! And, because I am unashamedly nosy I was going through her pantry and she said I could have this peanut butter because I told her I wanted it - love that for me.

4. Popped down to le beach last week after having an average day and I felt 100 times better for it. Sometimes you just gotta push yourself to do things that are good for your soul, especially when you can’t be bothered.

PROJECT

THE PROJECT IS JUST WHENEVER I HAVE THE ENERGY TO DO IT - SOOOO NOT THIS WEEK SOZZZZ.

Subscribe now

Leave a comment

Buy Me A Coffee!

Today, I sat around and I did nothing.

I slept in, drank a pot of tea whilst I scrolled Instagram (I tend not to make a habit of this in the morning) and then plonked myself in front of my laptop and watched RHOB all day.

On one hand, I felt good about having done not much. I had a few days full of social activities (someone doesn’t listen to her own advice lol) and I really needed the downtime. Yet on the other hand I felt incredibly guilty thinking I had totally wasted my day (albeit this was at 2pm lol. Those close to my proximity often get frustrated when at 10:30am on a Sunday morning I exclaim “THE DAY IS OVER!!!” simply because we haven’t left the house yet).

Staying busy is what keeps my momentum going. As soon as I stop, I find it rather difficult to start up again. To me, a day doing “nothing” isn’t proactive, it’s wasteful. I feel frustrated that I didn’t achieve more and especially when I spend all day watching Netflix, it becomes incredibly addictive and difficult to switch off.

Perhaps my issue is not the act itself of having a day off, but the way in which I spend it. For some of my friends, watching TV all day long isn’t anything to be worried about but for me, maybe I need to be better at recognising that a walk to a cafe to read my book over a coffee is the way to go instead.

Everyone is different - that is something I have really learnt this year, and am continuing to learn as I go. I always believed my way was the only way. Why wouldn’t you want to maximise your time, fill your schedule to the brim and live your dream life? For some, that dream life is my worst nightmare and guess what, that’s totally fine! We all have our own idea of what we find enjoyable and that will present itself in many different ways.

So, on your next day off ponder over the prompts in the project (or answer below in the comments!) and take note of how you feel in your downtime - without any judgement. I also challenge you to be open to trying new ways of spending time alone/downtime. If you do typically sit on your phone all day, what can you do instead? If you do try something new I would love to know!!

RESOURCES

1. This article by Ivanka Trump’s former best friend is fascinating. A must read please!

2. Jodi Balfour is an actress who I truly admire, and the older I get, the more I hope my career emulates hers. She also has a real eye for interiors which I love taking inspiration from. This interview with her is great, especially for those of you who are renters!

3. I love Californian wines, so when I saw this little baby pop up at BWS, I thought WELL I BETTER TRY IT. I was very impressed and paired with Port Salut and honeycomb lathered on toasted bread, you really can’t go wrong.

4. Making this for dinner tonight as it is a great way to use up random veg left in your fridge. They are great hot or cold, but make sure you whip up one of the two sauces they recommend instead of using store bought. They take no time to make and are seriously addictive!

MOMENTS OF JOY

1. A mosey about Heide with a dear friend was an excellent way to spend a Thursday. We started with brunch in Brunswick, followed by a vino at Heide cafe and then topped it all off by exploring the surrounding gardens. There is nothing like being outdoors and climbing over fallen tree branches like you’re a kid again.

2. THIS SALAD IS A MUST MAKE. I KNOW, the ingredient list for the dressing sounds a bit wacko but trust me, it works. I added Meredith’s goat feta, roasted pumpkin, tomatoes, nuts and seeds and avocado. Bliss.

3. On Saturday I caught up with a group of girlfriends at The Commons for lunch and it was such a treat! I can highly recommend the chicken salad and if the staff do swing past with the cake cart, tuck in! I didn’t leave enough room in my stomach to do so, so please take a bite for me. You really shouldn’t go past an old-fashioned sponge cake, especially with cream served in a crystal bowl. I grew up with the exact same one!

4. Sunday morning I sat in Fitzroy Gardens with two girlfriends and caught up over coffee, cake and fresh fruit. The rain shimmered all over us but we were too caught up in excellent conversation to notice or really care! The sun did end up peeking out through the clouds though, and after we finished up I took myself to a place that is so special to me - the miniature Tudor Village and Fairy Tree in the gardens. I have so many memories of visiting here when I was a child, wishing I could live in the village and befriend all the fairies and creatures that inhabited it.

5. Afterwards, I took myself down to a bookstore on Bourke Street to find myself a new book (because I don’t have 840232 unread books sitting on my shelf already). I heard the sales assistant in the store recommending The Cost of Living to someone else, and thank goodness I did - it resonated with me on so many levels, even just from the first page. I took myself up to City Wine Shop, ordered a glass of champagne and a plate of crusty bread, cultured butter and anchovies and tucked into my book. As I sat there I noticed that, although I have always taken myself out on solo dates, I am usually very self away that I am the girl sitting alone surrounded by pools of friends in groups, yet on this Sunday afternoon that did not even cross my mind and I am so glad it didn’t. More of that, please.

PROJECT

Click here for access to this weeks project!

Subscribe now

Leave a comment

Buy Me a Coffee!

Helloooooooo!

I don’t know about you but I certainly feel a spring in my step! As we continue to adjust to restrictions lifting here in Melbourne, I’ve really felt a shift in my overall mood and energy. That heavy, dark angst we had collectively been carrying this year has dissipated and there is certainly a buzz in the air that has been well missed.

As we come into the next phase of this COVID journey, I have been pondering on what I have learnt this year and what changes I want to carry with me into the future. We have experienced a global shift in mindset, pace, politics and values and I believe that unless we continue to talk over these revelations, our world may go back to the unsustainable paradigm that has held us by the shoulders for so long.

So, this week I spent time with myself going through what changes I wish to make going forward. I am going to list them here, which will hopefully act as a guide for you in this weeks project.

1. Prioritising my needs

I am fabulous at saying yes to everything and no to nothing. I look back over the last few years and can immediately identify that a lot of my inbalance stemmed directly from my lack of knowing and honouring what my needs are. Naturally, I take on energy around me and if I don’t plan time out alone, I rapidly tire out. I am actively putting time aside for me in my week (following this deep work method and it’s life changing), spreading out socialising through my month as much as possible, exploring, understanding and implementing my boundaries and talking to my psychologist every fortnight for any bonus emotions that are undealth with!

2. Valuing my finances

Living on Centrelink this year has been incredibly humbling. Without the coronavirus supplement, Australians who are on Centrelink have only $250 a week to live off, which is the cost of my weekly rent. I no longer scoff at a job that pays $200 (within reason) and am really trying to recognize the value of a dollar. I was amazed how quickly I was able to find other avenues that serviced the kick I got out of shopping. Taking limited money with me to the market became a challenge of what I could afford and I committed myself to using what we already had (as much as possible, I am a sucker for marketing lol). I really enjoyed spending time with friends on walks or sipping on a coffee in the park, and will continue to suggest low cost dates with my pals!

3. Finding new ways for old routines

At the beginning of lockdown, I heavily missed my old routines and although I consider myself a pretty adaptable person, I just didn’t quite find the whole “do it at home instead” approach that thrilling. I tried to do home workouts and pretend my living room was a bar, but it just didn’t cut it. As time went on, I got sick of feeling sorry for myself and decided to spend time finding alternatives that I actually enjoyed and begun to enjoy the challenge of adapting my old routines. My workouts have been transformed by a newly discovered online platform (linked in the resources) and going out for coffee or dinner is now a treat and not the norm.

4. Honouring my physical space

I have always been a very messy person so tidying up does not come naturally to me by any means! I recognise though, that when my space is messy and out of order, so too is the rest of my life. My chest feels tight, I can’t think properly and it fosters a constant state of overwhelm. In the recent months, I have attempted to find joy in the mundane. I try and turn my chores into a challenge - how quickly can I hang up my clothes? If I put the washing on for 40 minutes, what can I get done in that time? A little bit everyday goes a long way - that’s what I try tell myself anyway.

The last ten years of my life have been extremely difficult and whilst I could sit around and whine about it all day, the space that the pandemic has allowed me this year has really taught me that it is possible to find inner balance and peace within yourself. I have done a lot of unlearning of old habits, and whilst the initial process is painful it has paid off immensely. Having run on autopilot for so long, making conscious choices about something seemingly ordinary like doing my washing consistently, is a new and exciting feeling for me. Finding the desire and will, to quite frankly live, is the greatest gift I could have received this year and by continuing to seek balance in my life, that gift will only keep on getting better.

I hope as you continue to move through your own life, you chose to take thoughtful ownership in reclaiming yourself. Especially right now, as we all walk through the unknown paths of the future, we can collectively hold, support and honour each other and ourselves.

In this weeks project, we explore what has worked this year and what hasn’t, and we comb over what changes we are going to take with us from now on. Exciting!

RESOURCES

1. This episode of Insight was, insightful. LOL sorry I had to say that. (And watch the QANDA that follows too)

2. I thoroughly enjoyed and highly recommend this docu series about the Murdoch Dynasty. It is absolutely vital viewing.

3. I have barely raised a sweat during Iso, but since joining Booty By Mich THAT HAS CERTAINLY CHANGED! I love her vibe, her workout style (think pilates meets gym class meets PT) and the weekly workout schedule means you don’t need to think. So. Good.

4. I decided to make rice paper rolls and they went down a treat, meaning I will be making more this week. This website has handy tips plus a recipe to get you rockin’ and rollin’.

MOMENTS OF JOY

1. Well, this week I had TWO AUDITIONS and TWO SHOOTS?! So after all that talk of rejection last week I definitely felt I deserved these. So happy being able to do what I love again.

2. After a big day last week, we drove down to the beach and took a packed dinner (the soba noodle salad - it’s so good) and ate it watching the sunset over the ocean’s horizon. It was so cold we didn’t get in, but I absolutely regretted not jumping in after!

3. Made this delicious little salmon number for dinner the other night and I will be making it again.

4. Cleo’s belly is so big at the moment that when she lies on her side she looks like a seal and it honestly makes me laugh so much. Here she is living her best life whilst I am trying to work on my laptop. Bless this mess.

5. Took myself down to Elwood Beach on Wednesday which was super restorative and much needed. I did a 5km run (who am I?) which was really difficult, but I felt so proud of myself for getting it done. I finished off with a swim in the ocean and felt so, so good after. Bliss.

6. And finally, on Sunday night we zipped down to South Melbourne for dinner at Grill’d before heading home to watch the rest of the Murdoch doco. I tried the GF bun and vegan meat and can report I won’t be doing that again.

PROJECT

Click here for access to this weeks project!

Leave a comment

Subscribe now

Buy Me a Coffee!

In the style of Haley Nahman, I had a million things on my mind to write about this week, so I have decided to break the newsletter up into mini topics of which I will share with you my thoughts on. Enjoy!

1. The American Election

Let’s just start off by saying how relieved and thankful we undoubtedly all feel now that Trump is OUT of The White House. This past week has been equally stressful as it has been insane and I am in awe at how the American people continued to safely campaign and encourage people to vote, despite the incoherent and brazen opposition that they were up against. I was amazed to learn about Stacey Abrams who after losing the race to becoming the Governor of Georgia back in 2018, shifted her focus toward registering over 800,000 new voters, many whom were predominately African-American, through her organisation Fair Fight, ultimately turning the state of Georgia blue for the first time since 1992.

2. Rejection

I have been pondering on rejection a lot lately due to my job hunt bonanza and I must say, as much as I am used to being rejected on a weekly basis as an actor, it still stings when you open a “we regret to inform you” email or simply never hear back about an application. I am trying to see each rejection as a step closer in the right direction, but in the interim of people saying no to you, how do you maintain your enthusiasm and drive?

3. How do I say no?

How do you say no to things you don’t want to do? How do you stop people pleasing? Stop worrying about keeping the peace? GULP!

4. Holding back

I always hold myself back. Too often I catch those little voices in my mind, quietly encouraging me to sit around and do nothing. Don’t stress yourself over it, they say. Don’t film those sketches for Instagram, do you really want to bother with that? It’s not like it’s going to look professional anyway. I mean, who are you to think you can have dreams and chase them! Sound familiar? I forget on the daily that I should NOT be giving into those voices!! Do you feel the same way? How do you push past these thoughts?

5. Does anyone like me?

Since being back out socialising, I have been worrying about whether anyone really likes me and if I am fun to be around. (I mean if I keep carrying on like this I definitely won’t be fun to be around lol). I often blur the line between what’s simply in my head and what is actually playing out in front of me. I can convince myself that the person I am spending time with thinks I am such a drainer, even when they chose to spend the entire evening with me. Gosh, being a deep thinker is seriously exhausting.

6. Exercise - why do we avoid it?

Why do I avoid working out, going for walks and yoga, when I know it is good for me? I just cannot be bothered to raise a sweat right now. I know I feel so much better after I move my body yet I just, don’t.

7. Men and road rage

I have am borrowing a car for the moment and as I was driving to get my hair done on Wednesday (!!!!!!) and was shocked at the amount of men who tailgated me while I was obeying the rules and driving at the speed limit. Having not driven for a good six months now, I have clearly forgotten what it’s like to be on the roads. I witnessed a guy aggressively give the finger to and verbally abuse a woman who didn’t let him overtake her. Why are men so angry? Why does something so small set them off so easily? Why do they get so upset at women? SO. MUCH. TO. UNPACK.

I hope that during this week you let yourself ponder on questions and ideas that intrigue, concern or ignite you, without any judgement toward yourself. Sometimes you gotta just let your thoughts run free, whilst simply reminding yourself that they truly are just that, thoughts! They don’t have any hold over you (even though they try to convince you otherwise) and they don’t define you. If you have a journal, writing a few pages a day helps get these ideas out on paper and can actually reveal to you a lot about yourself. I know when I commit to this practise, I feel a lot more at peace.

I have been sitting down all day writing and applying for jobs, so I am going to get out and go for a walk, enjoy my nourishing dinner and spend the night watching RHOB. See you next week!

RESOURCES

1. This episode from Reputation Rehab was incredibly insightful. I do feel the hosts are a bit average and I feel I would do a better job lol BUT I really like their concept and am keen to see how the rest of the season unfolds.

2. I watch this video multiple times a day and I quite frankly cannot stop laughing. And if you need some remixes, there are some hilarious ones here. I grew up in a Pentecostal church and to be able to say I have broken free from such a place is simply liberating. I hope to explore this concept more in the newsletter when I feel the time is right!

3. Making this for dinner tonight and I am excited! Going to add some tofu and edamame to amp up the protein. Delish.

4. Made this in the Instant Pot today and not only is it yummy, it’s super easy and quick! I KNOW, I know it’s 28 degrees today but I love soup and eat it all year round.

MOMENTS OF JOY

1. Dinner with my sister and our cute, baby wine glasses!

   

2. A beautiful afternoon picnic with a dear friend. Bliss.

   

3. My weekly market run. It truly makes me so happy and is one of my favourite anchors in my week.

   

4. Coffee in a glass, biscotti and my book. Happy gal.

   

   PROJECT

   Oops. I forgot to come up with a project this week. I promise I’ll start today and be more organised for next week lol.

   Subscribe now

   Leave a comment

Buy Me a Coffee!

Well, well, well! If it isn’t the girl who took a sneaky week of last week!

I really needed some time out so I do thank you - the fans - for graciously accepting me stepping away for a bit.

Lockdown. Yikes. It really got to me at the end there. I, like most of you, totally supported and fully understood why it was so important and necessary to do so. All you have to do is look at the numbers to know that indeed, lockdown worked. Yet, it doesn’t take away from the fact that it was KINDA GETTING BORING towards the end there. Sure, I’ve piled on the iso weight and don’t even fit into the track pants I bought at the beginning of lockdown 1.0, but I was ready. Ready to see people in real life! I had dreamed up all the catch ups I would have with friends, the places I could finally go to and the routines I would pick back up again.

Yet, when the emails from restaurants started rolling in and my phone lit up with multiple invitations after the news broke that Melbourne was opening back up, I started to feel the cloak of anxiety and despair dusting herself off and comfortably positioning herself right on my back, as if to say “you didn’t think you were going to do this without me, did you?”

I’ve spent most of this year alone and chose to take social distancing really seriously by only seeing the same handful of friends each week for a walk. I’ve forgotten how to socialise with more than one other person, and I am not sure I am ready to appear in a group setting just yet, even though I really want to see my friends. For the first time in a long time, my social anxiety has been pretty steady, but all of a sudden she’s back, and back with a vengeance. (This post made me feel v seen.)

Thoughts that I hadn’t had all year started creeping back into my mind. Does anyone really like me? Am I a good friend? Did I check in with enough people throughout the year?

I mean, what am I going to talk to people about? What have I even achieved this year? How will I go back to work having been unemployed for so long? I haven’t had to justify why I eat tuna and rice everyday for lunch to my work colleagues in so long - am I really ready to do that again? LOL. I mean, it’s never ending!! This is just the tip of the iceberg of anxiety induced questions flowing through my mind.

Somehow the “we are all in this together” catch phrase wore off pretty quickly, even though I know that many of you are feeling the same way I do. 2020 has felt like one big emotional cocktail, so strong that it blurs my judgement. We are all in this together, yet I feel more isolated than I ever have before. How can that be?

So, don’t be afraid to take as much or as little time as you need to adjust to this new normal. This is the time to set new boundaries and start living life at your own pace. It’s a normal response to feel apprehensive and scared. We have been conditioned this year to normalise living in isolation, even though we have experienced bursts of ups and downs along the way.

It’s through challenging times like these that we grow - albeit it feels uncomfortable, but there’s never comfort in growth. We are in this together, so don’t forget to reach out to those around you for love and support as you transition over the coming months.

See you soon.

Maybe.

RESOURCES

1. Alyssa Ho is a new found obsession of mine (thanks to Clementine Ford) and her recent musings on The Fox Eye Trend have been so in depth and helpful. Alongside anti-racism work, she also writes about love and life. A must follow!

2. Sick of rich, privileged people winging during COVID? Me too. Check out Clementine’s Influenzas highlights to get educated on why we need to call them out.

3. This page has helped me feel less alone in my response to lockdown ending.

4. Drink this.

5. Loving cooking from this book - highly recommend!

6. Some great tips here for self soothing practices to support you.

MOMENTS OF JOY

1. COFFEE IN A CUP

   

2. WINE IN A GLASS NOT IN MY HOUSE

   

3. THIS T-SHIRT MAKETH ME HAPPY

   

   PROJECT

   I AM SORRY BUT THERE IS NO PROJECT THIS WEEK

   Subscribe now

   Leave a comment

Buy Me a Coffee!

The little things in life are what make me beam with joy.

My morning coffee, lighting a candle and sitting and staring out the window - these are rituals I have done ever since I was a little girl. It doesn’t take much for me to feel a spring in my step - a great tune to get me dancing or the morning sun casting delicate shadows on my living room wall are enough to put me in a good mood for the rest of the day. Yet time and time again, I find myself forgetting about these precious moments or even worse, letting them simply become another task on my to-do list.

After last week’s newsletter, I looked at where the bulk of my time and energy was going, and thought about how I felt after I did those things. Scrolling on Instagram, watching reality TV, letting my washing pile up for over a week - you get the idea. Not only did I feel depleted, heavy and sometimes anxious, I noticed the constant chatter in my mind trying to convince me that those things were totally fine and perfectly normal.

(The fact that my mind is having to convince me that something is good for me is a pretty big sign that it’s not, no?)

So, I began to notice that chatter, told it to bugger off, and then referred to my list of “Moments of Joy”. I picked one moment each day, committed to that ritual and again (noticing a pattern here?) I took note of how I felt after.

You see, the difference between say, absorbing every post on Instagram and reading a book is that the latter is nurturing, not draining. Instagram is a vortex for which we can lose ourselves in romanticising other people’s lives, wishing we had more of what they have in ours. Books and podcasts often inspire and ignite us to place ourselves within the stories we are engaging with, and are a means to opening up our mind to possibilities as opposed to feeling like we don’t have enough. 

Instagram vs. books and podcasts debate aside lol, notice what the anchors in your days are and challenge yourself to reevaluate them. TV is a nightly routine in our house, but as the days are getting longer I am prioritising going for a walk or eating dinner outside. Moments like these are where memories are made, plus I genuinely feel rested and restored after. You’ll know what these moments are for you because you simply won’t regret it, nor will you have to put up with that mind chatter telling you otherwise because it won’t have anything to say!

Above all else, don’t be afraid to romanticise the rituals or routines in your life that may appear insignificant to others. These moments are meaningful to you, and you alone. They are meant to be sacred and enjoyed for the sole purpose of filling yourself up.

In this week’s project, we break down what our dream day or week looks like, and implement some of those ideas into our schedule. You should definitely make a day or night out of it. Make a pot of tea or grab a bottle of wine, put on some music and get dreaming. Here’s to our rituals and routines!

RESOURCES

1. Jess is a Jyotish and through her I have learnt so much about my Nakshatra chart. Even if Astrology isn’t really *your thing* you should still follow her Instagram to connect with her wisdom and be the first to know about when she starts doing her one on one sessions!

2. This energy report was, as always, spot on and reaffirmed a lot of what I have been feeling and thinking about lately. If this kind of work resonates with you and you identify as a conscious womxan, come join the Kula Membership - I am a member and I get so much out of this offering. I don’t mean to plug my mentor/teacher so much, but Honey’s work has truly changed my life and I simply want other womxn to reclaim their power as I am learning to.

3. Caitlin is another conscious womxn who I have been following for some time now. Her energy, insight and content is inspiring, engaging and authentic and I just know you’re going to love her as much as I do. Check out her YouTube, Instagram and Newsletter.

4. This video always makes me laugh, especially during times like these.

5. This book and this book were the source inspiration for post - if today’s newsletter resonated with you I highly suggest picking them up!

MOMENTS OF JOY

1. Chris and I treated ourselves to a Sunday morning coffee and bagel and my oh my it was worth every penny - and trust me it cost a lot of pennies lol.

2. My girlfriend gave me an assortment of candles for my birthday and I have been lighting one while I drink my tea and stare out the window. Look at me, taking my own advice!

   

   3. More food - I make savoury muffins weekly and they are SO GOOD. Get the recipe here and let me know if you try them.

   

PROJECT

Click here for access to this weeks project!

Leave a comment

Subscribe now

Buy Me a Coffee!

It seems that what we have been exploring in this newsletter recently really resonates with a lot of you and while it has made me feel less alone in how I am feeling, it also got me thinking on our obsessiveness with being productive and sharing it online, constantly.

Have you ever stopped and asked yourself why you do what you do?

Before COVID-19, four days a week I would get up at 4:45am to meditate and then walk to a one hour gym class in Richmond before I started work at 8:30 am. Every Sunday morning, without fail, I went to a barre class at 8am, despite having been out late the night before. I didn’t even think twice about it AND I made sure to share a photo of myself to remind all of you that there are no excuses for working out. (Sorry for that lol)

Having thrown routine as I know it out the window this year, I look back at my past crazy schedules and wonder why I put myself through such a gruelling timetable. On one hand I felt guilty - guilty for not making the most of every single moment of every single day - and on the other hand I wanted to be seen as an overachieving, type A, hustler who cannot and will not be stopped - ever.

This hustle era that we are living in glorifies the excessive pursuit of reward and recognition. Who are we without constant, external praise and validation? Can we do things without sharing it online? How can we ever stay full and inspired, if we are constantly sharing every part of our work and our selves.

We work hard, and play hard, not for the sheer enjoyment of our pursuits and hobbies but because we feel obliged to. Millennials especially are a product of hustle culture. Having been built for the workplace we don’t know any different other than go go go, and then go some more.

Last week we questioned why we avoid doing things we want or need to do, and I think a lot of it boils down to the fact that we never stop and just rest. We run on empty, and then wonder why we have no energy to face even the smallest of tasks. This week, let yourself stop. Let yourself off the hook - no one is watching, literally. Notice what you fill your time up with and where your energy is going, and ask yourself why you do what you do.

I was meant to leave 30 minutes ago to meet a friend for a walk lol so I am going to have to leave it there - we will pick up from here next week!

Your words for the week: rest and restore!

RESOURCES

1. This article on hustle culture is fantastic and sums up my thoughts and feelings.

2. This article looks at millenials and burnout - it’s one that I go back to and reread often.

3. Lol at this generic pop song but it’s boppy lil tune really helps me when I am writing the newsletter. *type type type type*

4. Reading this book in my book club and you should read it too.

5. Last night I shared a cheese platter with a friend from this divine local business. It was DIVINE!!!

PROJECT

There is no project this week because I was NOT organised. Next week, okay!

Leave a comment

Subscribe now