3 semi-mild takes about modern adulting I will not back down about:

1. Choosing how you will feel yourself 3+ times a day is just exhausting and we need to stop making it sound like it’s easy

2. People shop at Costco because they literally limit the amount of options per item available (except for protein bars and sparking water)

3. Access to information makes us feel like we can’t make a bad decision because “tHeRe’S gOoGLe”

Decision Making is the crux of being an adult and yet there were very few discussions about the sheer weight of what it takes to get through a day. We have so much going on and we are more cognizant of options, internalized perfectionism can take over in an instant.

Do I skip washing my hair today? Will I have time to wash it tomorrow morning?

Wait, I want to work out this afternoon so definitely skip but I need to set my alarm for 30 minutes earlier tomorrow…

Now there is more than internalized perfectionism in play (more on that in a bit) and decision making doesn’t have to be an all-or-nothing process. What do I mean? Decisions don’t have to be either fully planned with a mood board nor under duress due to procrastinating or out of anxiety.

Deep down we want a decision tree that is one size fits all, but our multilayered life doesn’t work that way. Decision making can be values guided without the existential dread. This week’s KIND Guide breaks down the factors influencing our decision making and gives you an in the moment gut check guide so that your everyday decisions don’t lead to a meltdown.

As always, this guide will try to navigate the nuance. However, The KIND Guide is meant to be a template that you customize to the ins and outs of your day.

Let’s jump in shall we?

What’s in Play When We Are Making Decisions?

Did you know that the average adult makes 35,000 decisions a day?1 Let that sit for a minute….35,000!!!!!!! When we consider what is in the mix culturally (in the United States and in our own microcosms) there is a lot influencing our options whether we realize it or not.

Some possible influences in your decision making may include:

1. Freedom as an American value: According to PBS North Carolina, “as American consumers in a free market economy, we’ve come to expect a lot of choices when it comes to products and services.”2 This expectation comes as a massive cost though, like having 5 streaming subscriptions yet nothing to watch. Our consumer-centric culture has valued the perception of options over the quality of options.

2. The rise of ethics-centered business: This isn’t inherently bad per se, but the rise of exploitation in our goods has created another filter to consider when making decisions. Where this can become stressful is when it can trigger our perfectionism and sense of justice. Sometimes we need to order from Amazon because it is our only choice, and this becomes more about the how rather than the what.

3. The lack of margin in our lives: With the guise of convenience, that “time saved” is rarely used as margin or rest in our day. It is often used as a way to cram in the other shit we haven’t been able to do or “should” be doing anyway. Many last minute decisions are due to the sheer reality that we are doing too much and we don’t have the same 24 hours (or staff) as Beyonce.

4. The ripple effect: Most of us with eldest daughter energy and chronic responsibility do not consider a decision in its own vacuum. Every choice spills into the next thing and potential impacts to someone else in our life. Even if the choice is solely for us (ex: Do I stay up to watch Top Chef?) there is always another factor to consider (ex: I have to wake up early to make lunches for the kids).

5. Self Trust: We think that self trust only has to do with those MAJOR decisions but our self trust is actually built in the everyday. We get more into that in a minute, but the TLDR is that the more we allow grace and flexibility in the everyday, the more self trust we have built for the big deal decisions.

6. Executive Functioning (or lack thereof): If we are working with a variable capacity (most of us are) then the resources our brain needs for effective decision making might not be there. Executive functioning impacts our working memory, impulse control, emotion regulation and more. Sooooo if we are struggle bussin there then decisions might not be coming as easy as one would hope.

7. While we are talking about capacity: Remember, a lot of us are either working to reduce the likelihood of burnout or working our way out of it. We may not have all the personal resources we need (along with actual resources like money, etc) to operate as easy breezy as one would hope.

8. Perfectionism: Not all roads lead to perfectionism but we must recognize where this shows up. Self awareness is great and all, and sometimes our envy to those that just “wing it” can be a thing to consider.

Did you notice that these layers didn’t even include the content of the decision itself? Exactly!!

This should be a sign for you to have a little bit of flexibility and *cOmPaSsIoN* when recognizing your nervous system needs some retraining when it comes to decision making. Some of these influences are by design (because big corportations make big money when we are fatigued) and some of this is by our own doing. Whichever way, we can work on shifting without beating ourselves up in the process.

How the All or Nothing Approach Hurts Our Self Trust

Look, we all know some all-or-nothingness in our lives. However I want to take a minute to discuss how this approach with decision making can negatively impact our self trust.

When we are constantly outsourcing our decisions to be based on things like people pleasing, perfectionism, the “right” thing, urgency and whatnot we then are not making the decision. Those factors alone are. To explain it a bit further we are going to do a quick study on the Radically Open (RODBT) Overcontrolled States of Mind3:

• Fixed Mind says change (or considering options when making a decision) is unnecessary because I already know the answer.

  • This speaks to when we are rigid and insist something must be that one specific way or else. Options are not considered. Keep in mind we are talking about this in the context of being less intentional.

• Fatalistic Mind says change (or making a decision as a whole) is unnecessary because there is NO answer.

  • This is when we let “Jesus take the wheel” and avoid making a decision altogether. Again, sometimes it makes sense to let things shake out and when it is unhelpful is when it becomes our standard for decision making.

Staying stuck in one of those states gets us away from checking in with our own intuition, perspective of a situation, or context for life as it is in the moment. The “upside” is that we can blame whatever influenced that state of mind…but at the cost of having a smoother pathway to our own inner knowing and sense of self.

When our road to that knowing and sense of self is blocked, those factors we listed above are more likely to influence us and get us even further off the path of grounded decision making.

Now when we have decision fatigue, sometimes it is a response to something more than the decision itself. So before we go into how to best check our own guts when making more specific choices, let’s see what what else can be happening when we are in decision fatigue.

Possible Things Decision Fatigue Might Be Pointing Out to Us

This is not a comprehensive list but a jumping point to what decision fatigue might be pointing out. Decision Fatigue can be seen as a symptom rather than a “state of mind.” If we are constantly feeling maxed out when decision making, it might be signaling to us:

1. Fatigue as a whole: How is your sleep? Are you getting rest? Are you constantly producing? The fatigue itself can be more of the problem rather than just decision making.

2. Toxic situations or environments: The word “toxic” is overused in the therapy world so some other adjectives we can use include unbalanced, aimless, unhealthy, unclear, demeaning, abusive, etc. If every decision feels like a lose/lose situation you might be in a space where self trust is smothered.

3. Taking on too much: Sometimes we are the ones holding it all, but is it possible some things can be delegated to others? Delegation will depend on the situation and context.

4. Grief: Are there emotions or beliefs about the situation itself or adulting as a whole you need to grieve? Give yourself a minute to call those feelings forward and acknowledge they are there.

5. Health issues: Brain fog, mental fatigue, etc can also be related to diagnosed or undiagnosed neurodivergence, depression, anxiety, PTSD, or more physiological issues like autoimmune disease, chronic pain, chronic fatigue, hormone imbalances and more. This can also relate to not eating enough during the day, dehydration or other baseline self care tasks we lose when overwhelmed.

In true KIND perspective, it could very well be both these more macro factors along with the decision itself AND it is helpful to zoom out and take note of what we may need to address on a bigger level.

Whatever is going on, the decision has to be made right? So here is a quick guide (a KIND Guide lol) on how to check in with your gut even when you’re feeling rushed.

The KIND Gut Check Guide

Step 1: Ask “who or what are in charge in this moment?”

This question brings attention to what influences are coming in as you’re considering options. This can be past beliefs or experiences, realities of daily life, etc.

Step 2: Scan your body and notice what responses are coming up.

Your body is often processing faster than your brain. Take note of areas that are carrying tension, causing urgency, or feeling shut down. On the other hand, notice if your body feels neutral or even comfortable with making the decision.

Step 3: Envision the choice you would make if you knew there would be zero negative consequences.

Identify the desired choice and envision it working out without any issue. Does this make you feel better about making the choice or does it bring up feelings of grief, anxiety, or cynicism? That can point to possible factors you haven’t considered in the macro of life.

Step 4: Consider one alternative or compromise.

I’m a big believer in having a backup plan, primarily to prep your nervous system for flexible shifting or adapting if the information changes.

Step 5: Notice how your body feels when identifying the choice and backup option.

Your body and brain’s response to making your decision can help with improving fuly body awareness when mindfully making decisions. Sometimes the discomfort of doing something different comes up, and that’s normal. If there are other discomforts arising, consider if the decision is a big stretch for the environment or if a larger issue needs to be addressed first.

Step 6: Do a context check in: Does this decision match what I want and the context or am I going all or nothing (ignoring reality or prioritizing comfort at my expense)?

This is a follow up question to #6 because overcorrecting happens. We also need to remember that we can make the decision that feels the best for us and the situation, and others may not see it that way. Feeling grounded and mindful when the choice is made is the focus, not having the perfect outcome.

Step 7: Do one more quick body scan, notice any changes.

One last check to see how you’re feeling and then go live life!

A lil PDF of this guide to save on your computer or phone ⬇

Gut Check Guide

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Note: Yes this is what mindful decision making looks like sometimes. 7 steps can feel like a lot and at first this process will feel mechanical and tedious. The more you run through the process of checking in with your body and calling out what’s in your decision making ether, the more natural it will become.

The “quick” version of this process?

1. Check in with your body

2. Consider what is influencing your decision

3. Imagine the choice you want and it working out

4. Consider backup options

5. Body scan once more and make the choice

That’s the thing, intentional and mindful living is SLOWER and takes more effort. When your capacity is low this can feel like a lot, but think of it is PT for your nervous system. Quick decision making isn’t the end goal, more focused decision making is what you’re aiming for.

Some Decision Making Tricks

If you’re in a pickle and need some ways to speed up the decision making process, here are 3 shortcuts to use when needed.

• Flip a coin: Narrow it down to 2 choices and flip a coin. Don’t focus on the coin but notice how you respond to the result. If you don’t agree with the flip, choose what feels better for you.

• Decision Jar: Just like flipping a coin but if you have more than 2 options. Put each choice on scrap paper and then choose. The decision jar can be even more specific (ex: Dinner Idea Jar, Bored Jar, etc) and the jar “makes” the choice for you.

• Countdown: Create a false sense of urgency skillfully. Give yourself a specific amount of time to research, procrastinate, or debate the choices.

Again, there is no such thing as a foolproof decision making process. Keep in mind that most decisions can be repaired if something doesn’t work out. Will it be inconvenient? Sure. Will you move forward? At some point. We are all floating on a rock anyway…

If You Remember Anything, Remember This:

Decision making is about how you feel in the moment of the choice, not the outcome. Sometimes we make a decision and it blows up in our face, however if we considered options and felt grounded that’s all we can do.

We are not psychic. Intuitive? Highly likely. Pattern recognizer? Sure.

There are always factors outside of our control in play. Honoring that should give you a bit less pressure on every decision being the “right” choice.

As you move forward with your 35,000+ decisions a day, remember to be more intentional (or aware) with those smaller decisions and don’t save the intentionality solely for the big deals. Decision fatigue is best battled with confidence and reps.

This doesn’t mean you make every decision a “thing” but more so pause and consider what you actually want before making the choice. Hell, that just might even point you to knowing your own wants and needs even more.

Hi! I’m Lauren, licensed therapist + creator of Nine to Kind.

I’m an ADHD type C gal that understands the type A experience. I talk about how to build + maintain a KIND life in spite of of perfectionism, productivity guilt, and the world being on fire…along with articles about being a cool girl stuck in the burbs, roundups of my favorite sparkling waters, and musings on the Bravoverse.

I believe planners shouldn’t make you feel like sh*t so I created a line of self compassion based planning tools like the Possibility Planner, Daily Planning Notepad, and Note to Self Post Its.

Each month I host Admin Night in Nashville where we gather round fun beverages and avoid avoiding in a shame free, non isolated way.

Subscribe to Nine to Kind for your weekly doses of practical tips and personal reflections as we figure out this adulting thing. Mondays I drop The KIND Guide (more practical) and Fridays are The KIND Life (all about reflection and self care). When I have the extra capacity, you will get my musings on anything from boring self care to my thoughts on emotional support water bottles. Would love to have you here!

I almost made it out scot-free.

I dodged the volunteer forms, room mom requests, and snack signups. While riding high on the amount of boundaries I put up for myself, I got a text.

There it was, the request came in…the school needed a banner made for an upcoming fundraiser.

After giving myself the award for the most boundaried-baddie this month I agreed to the request.

Enter the rumination of Was this against all of my work over the past week?

After compassionate reflection, I think there was no damage done and I can tell you why. More on that later…

I can say with my full chest it came from a place of self trust. Historically that hasn’t always been the case. My life has been sprinkled with well intentioned actions that were actually self sabotage.

Those times of overextending and masking in the past lacked language and a framework for what was happening. I chalked it up to things like laziness, loose boundaries, weakness, impulsivity (thanks ADHD) or being misguided.

Knowing what I know now, I can see that those moments I was trying to have a need met or escape one type of discomfort of a more familiar flavor. However it can be hard to clock it as detrimental when the self sabotage habits relate to my values of contribution and connection.

If I were to document the amount of hours I devoted to something out of obligation, carelessness, anxiety or avoidance…well you know how this goes.

The loss of those hours and moments given to others severed connection with my concept of self and self trust. Things like titles, offers, likes, and sales were centered in the decision making process.

Perhaps you have been there. Burned out and unsure of what exactly got you there.

Because the luncheon was for a dear friend and the laundry could only be done by you and there’s no way another human can enter the house with dust on the baseboards.

Self sabotage is more about self trust and the risk that comes with it. Trusting that the human walking in your door won’t even notice the dust bunnies is a risk worth taking if it means you spent that time doing something you have been avoiding or pouring back into yourself.

If this feels deep and you’re aching for a change, building self trust starts with expanding your awareness of what self sabotage could be and the real impacts of the behaviors. Those well worn ways of operating might need to be shut down for maintenance or condemned.

In my own experience of sorting that out, what I found didn’t feel great but it did help me move more intentionally in my life. That’s the beauty of compassionate accountability, the truth hurts but repair is made at the same time.

Let’s get into what that means for you…

Ego Death By a Thousand Broken Promises

Self sabotage is defined by Oxford Languages as behavior or thoughts, especially of an involuntary or unconscious nature, that are harmful to one’s own interests or development.

What probably comes to mind are situations like a drug addict relapsing, someone struggling to commit in a relationship (therefore leaving), or procrastinating an important appointment at the expense of their health.

Those things are impactful and they are pretty clear cut on how the negatively impact our lives…therefore they can be a bit easier to manage as a whole. Those sorts of things do not lead to the ego death I’m talking about here.

Note: Ego death typically relates to psychedelics or spiritual practices. In this case I am referring to the framework by Carl Jung1.

For the chronically responsible, the ego death rarely starts from a major breach of trust. It is the ongoing eroding of constantly putting yourself on the back burner in hopes that life or the universe will return the favor or miraculously work the “thing” out on its own someday.

Broken promises like:

I’ll start keeping my phone outside my bedroom so I can sleep better (phone is still lit up in bed at Midnight)

The next time they ask me for a favor I will say no (Phone rings, immediate commitment without consideration)

I am going to take time to read that book outside (Spends open time on projects like deep cleaning or rearranging)

Recognizing those broken promises (the ego death) can feel like grief showing up as:

• Resentment

• Sadness

• Anger

• Emptiness

• Exhaustion

• Overwhelm

  and more…

That compassionate call out is what ignites the grief so you can make way for the more aligned way of living.

Self Sabotage Callout

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It’s called a compassionate call out for a reason: COMPASSION is what prevents this reflection turning into a spiral of self pity or bullying.

These answers may evolve with time or as the context of life shifts. Keep these and revisit them when that build up starts up again.

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Acknowledging Both Sides of the Coin

Moving from grief to change involves identifying what kept the pattern going in the first place. We are smart creatures and if there wasn’t some sort of payoff you wouldn’t keep breaking those promises to yourself.

Using the Nine to Kind Productivity Guilt Cycle Worksheet, take a look at both sides of the coin when it comes to self sabotage.

On the left you’re doing to detail your productivity guilt cycle, noting most of the downsides it brings.

On the right you will do the same thing, but instead this time take a look at how you benefit from the cycle.

This inventory will help with more accurate problem solving and with identifying exactly what need you want met.

Productivity Guilt Worksheet

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Those things that keep it going? That is another factor to consider in what needs you might want met or supports that need to be put in place.

Focusing on the How

Moving forward, the way we begin keeping our promises to ourselves looks like creating space for our decision making along with seeing the how of either action.

One how that needs to considered up front: How am I feeling about this decision? Notice what your initial responses feel and sound like.

Feel energized? You might lean in. Feel a sense of tension? Pause before answering.

The other is about how you will go about something. Have you noticed that most of our decisions relate to the what of a situation.

Like with what happened today:

• Do I make the banner or not? That is a question about WHAT I do.

  • Focusing on the how for both options expands my awareness of what is driving the decision making.

• How will I say no? Will I feel relieved after the initial discomfort of giving my answer?

  • This moves you into problem solving and creating a plan that supports you doing the different action of saying no.

• How can I create the banner with more ease and flexibility? Does this action feel in line with my capacity and values?

  • This moves you towards considering other options if “no” is either too impactful or the action actually aligns.

In my case, I agreed because of factors like the timing, it being an activity I like to do, it contributes to community, and the expectations were clear. The yes just made sense AND I put personal guardrails up around time and investment. There is also a backup plan of me + Canva throwing it together.

Seeing the how of a situation expands awareness to your response, gives space to check in on what feelings/thoughts might be in the driver seat, and reminds you that there are options. Self trust is built on giving ourselves agency and trusting that we will deal with whatever shows up, good or bad.

When moving into change, it is always best to not do this alone. Consider bringing a friend in the mix for support and connection.

Will My Self Sabotaging Ever Stop?

My friend I wish I could tell the future. There is a chance these habits won’t return and if that’s the case I love that for you. I tend to come from a place of habit management because I could be in my enlightened self mode and something out of my control changes everything.

I don’t think it is fair to expect to quickly resolve things related to our self sabotage.

I feel like that sets up the stage for perfectionism and shame to walk right in. Shit happens…shit we caused ourselves and messes we didn’t create but have to clean. Accepting that wholeheartedly helps you to not fight one more battle in the process of change.

Why I like talking about things like this is that there are many chances in our days to shift. The changes don’t have to be large or complicated to be impactful. Remember, your self sabotage patterns have and will serve you in some ways. It’s about the intentionality and reduction of impact if you must choose to do the thing.

Working with self sabotage is a lot like chess. There are patterns and skill and strategy that must adapt as the player changes. You don’t always win the more you play, but you do learn.

Hi! I’m Lauren, licensed therapist + creator of Nine to Kind.

I’m an ADHD type C gal that understands the type A experience. I talk about how to build + maintain a KIND life in spite of of perfectionism, productivity guilt, and the world being on fire…along with articles about being a cool girl stuck in the burbs, roundups of my favorite sparkling waters, and musings on the Bravoverse.

I believe planners shouldn’t make you feel like sh*t so I created a line of self compassion based planning tools like the Possibility Planner, Daily Planning Notepad, and Note to Self Post Its.

Each month I host Admin Night in Nashville where we gather round fun beverages and avoid avoiding in a shame free, non isolated way.

Subscribe to Nine to Kind for your weekly doses of practical tips and personal reflections as we figure out this adulting thing. Mondays I drop The KIND Guide (more practical) and Fridays are The KIND Life (all about reflection and self care). When I have the extra capacity, you will get my musings on anything from boring self care to my thoughts on emotional support water bottles. Would love to have you here!

I was diagnosed with ADHD around age 28 or 29.

At the time, I was working at a group practice where my inability to keep up with the administrative side of work (progress notes specifically) had quietly turned into a shame based performance plan. Not officially of course, but there was a weekly “competition” for who could maintain notes on time. Each week we had status updates and while I did my best and tried harder…I still would fall short.

What I felt like a shortcoming was something else, it was actually the unraveling of my compensatory strategies in high demand environments for nearly three decades.

For that long I had maintained the impression that I had things figured out, even if in a messy fashion.

• I had a lifetime outperforming others but not quite meeting my “potential.”

• I was an expert at multitasking sports + school + jobs until my breaking point (only to restart after some recovery).

• I was seen as “raw talent” but needing guidance (aka micromanagement) on execution.

There were earlier signs too but our culture didn’t have the context. Like getting kicked out of ballet class for not being able to stay in line, being run around the apartment complex before school, asking socially inappropriate questions like “why is she so popular” out loud at school, and significant binge drinking in college…with today’s knowledge in mind, you may wonder why it took so long to get diagnosed.

Unless you’re the kind of person who is a perfectionistic, goal oriented go-getter that always pushes their limits, then you already know this feeling.

The overcompensation was the problem. I wasn’t diagnosed until my nervous system refused to comply with the demands that were being asked of me.

Now, you might think as a therapist diagnosed with ADHD that my life was forever changed for the better because I fully accepted it and moved forward…

That’s cute.

It took almost another decade of unlearning, developing some audacity, seeing a younger version of myself (my kiddo) be accommodated in real time, and then some to actually take my diagnosis seriously. This change didn’t come all at once as one would hope for.

There is a massive difference between acceptance and embodiment.

The process of going from acceptance to embodiment navigates grief, experimentation, willingness to get things wrong, openness to change, and more…even now embodiment still feels difficult because that’s the reality of it.

Embodiment is not easy, and now we have a choice of choosing our hard.

This might be a call out for you, which it normally is for us neurodivergent burned out overdoers. It’s also an invitation to make those harder calls because you deserve a life that fits all of you. Let’s get into it…

The Hardest Truth to Embody: ADHD is a Disability

Note: When I speak about neurodivergence I am referring to the spectrum of ADHD, ASD, AuDHD, C-PTSD etc. The concepts of acceptance/embodiment can also apply to diagnoses like depression, anxiety, etc but for the context of this article I’m speaking specifically on the neurodivergent experience because of the wiring aspect and that while severity changes, the diagnosis can not reach “remission.”

I first heard the term nervous system disability in a post by Casey Ehrlich, PHD (@atpeaceparents on IG) discussing PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance). After taking in her content, it finally hit me right in the face…I was still internalizing this belief that my ADHD was something to overcome and that operating within neurotypical systems was the goal.

Introducing the term nervous system disability has become one of the most powerful interventions in my therapy sessions and with my own reconstruction. This conversation typically comes up when we begin discussing tactical solutions for things like work accommodations, asking for supports at home, and limit setting.

Up until that point, we have likely used verbiage like neurodivergence or their specific diagnosis as we focus on identifying symptoms and increasing acceptance. Once we shift into change and I share that term, the grief pops up with questions like “Why can’t I just do it like I used to” or “Why should I have to do all of this just to function?” Both fair questions but they leave out what there really is to grieve.

Similar to someone with a chronic condition like Celiac or Diabetes, there comes a point where one must grieve that they can’t move through the world like the typical. Extra steps, research, planning, requests, and decisions are now in play…and when you’re already exhausted it sucks.

The reality now becomes the crossroads: do I continue overriding my nervous system despite the costs or do I begin shifting my life to embody my neurodivergence no matter how “quirky?”

Moving towards the shift can feel shame inducing, icky and often triggers some self gaslighting like “It’s not that bad” or “What if I’m not neurodivergent??” Disability is not defined by how well you can mask it.

Compassionate Call Out Coming ➡ Most neurotypical people do not wonder if they are neurodivergent.

When we fully accept our diagnoses it becomes hard to unsee. Neurodivergence impacts the smallest of tasks and highlights where you have been trying too hard for too long. That can feel overwhelming which is why it is important to take things one step at a time.

But first, allow yourself a lil rage cry session. You are now entering a state of being that challenges so many learned norms, that can feel scary and you’re not alone. We will be here on the other side of the cry…

Why Am I So Bitter and Resentful?

First of all, are you actually willing to admit that you are feeling some type of way about this?

Resentment, bitterness, and envy are common experiences for the burned out neurodivergent person. You’re not a bad/awful/terrible/selfish human for feeling this way, you’re finally allowing yourself to see the lengths in which you have shapeshifted to be something you’re not.

You have been able to play the productivity game at such a high cost that you haven’t clocked. If you were to take a step back and truly begin adding the costs of yourself that have been given to neurotypical expectations, your feelings would be even more intense! And maybe that deep feeling needs to have room to exist.

On the other side of that coin, you can still be proud of the things you have accomplished while also acknowledging that it didn’t have to be so costly. We don’t want to shit on what we value, however we do need to see where some of the shifts can begin.

Feeling those emotions like envy can show us what we want in life.

• Envious of the person who leaves work at work? Start finding some ways you can try doing the same thing.

• How about the girlboss that seems to be doing it all? Don’t assume they are working like you do (alone because you can do it all?). Chances are they have help. Do you need to consider hiring or asking for support? Or accept that your pace will look different, meaning slower?

Envy can also highlight further areas for grief or where change strategies might have the most friction.

An envy experience you may not own up too but I will…sometimes high functioning neurodivergent people wish they had a more “visible” disability or physical illness to reduce having to explain themselves. This also applies to having envy for people that just “don’t care.” Two things that most of us would not wish on ourselves, but the “ease” we think it brings sound nice in theory.

Your envy/bitterness/resentment is a sign that things are not fitting well for you. Like a pair of underwear that keeps crawling up your butt…it is uncomfortable yet you keep forcing yourself to wear neurotypicalness.

Embodiment is where we begin addressing those feelings by showing ourselves that we can find aspects of life that fit us better. We get to see that resetting our default with that acceptance gives us a second shot at having capacity, joy, and peace with ourselves.

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What Does “Embodiment” Look Like?

Most of us are burned out by lots of “little” things that have accumulated over the years. Our breakdowns fit the definition of death by a thousand cuts. A moment of overcompensation may not look like a lot, but accumulated masking, overriding, and overextending over a day or week? It’s a lot of shit!

The embodiment process will look different because our experiences with neurodivergence are very personal. It also depends on where you are in the burnout cycle, and what aspects you are having to change the most.

I will use the terms embodiment and accommodations somewhat interchangeably. I consider embodiment the act of doing the thing and accommodation as the change itself. Example: The accommodation is a shorter work week and embodiment is telling others your are not available on X day.

To offer the possibilities of what embodiment looks like, I’m going to break down some examples by the Acceptance and Commitment Therapy Core Life Domains.

Physical Health (Including Sensory Regulation)

• Stricter sleep schedule

• Attending medical appointments

• Changing medication regiment

• More movement in your day

• Safe foods for low capacity days

• Ways to supplement nutrients if unable to prepare meals

• Delivery: Groceries, Medications, Other Needs

• Having fidgets, sensory soothing items nearby

• Maintaining a “uniform” clothing wise

• Earplugs

• Specific lighting or sensory reduced spaces

• Physical supports (walking assistance, access to chairs, pressure therapy)

• Extra time blocked into things like travel, etc

Family

• Clear expectations regarding events

• Established schedule for transportation

• Backups if unable to maintain a specific task

• Outlined days for cleaning

• Flexibility with social outings

• Designated quiet time

• Ability to explain when the response is due to neurodivergence

• Education on neurodivergence

• Openness to info dumping (when there is capacity)

• Awareness of safe meals or low capacity meals

Relationships (Platonic + Romantic)

• Patience with responses to texts/phone calls

• Openness to offer clear feedback

• Clear expectations regarding specific plans

• Designated alone time

• Openness to non-traditional setups (having own bedroom if living together, etc)

• Openness to discuss specific needs if related to an expectation (ex: clothing choices for a wedding, etc)

• Asking for clarification of when someone wants feedback or just to listen

• Being honest about capacity

Work/Education

• Requesting specific accommodations at work or school

• Learning to work/study around your actual capacity

• Seeking options for learning (note taker, recorded lectures, etc)

• Allowing yourself supports like extra time, flexibility with schedule, time for appointments

• Blocking DND Times

• Having signs that indicate availability

• Utilizing supports like body doubling

Personal Growth

• Attending support groups about neurodivergence

• Subscribing to neurodivergent content and reading comments sections

• Reading neurodivergent affirming content

• Journaling

• Inner child work

• 1:1 Support: Therapy, Coaching, Mentorship

• Committing to making small changes

• Accountability partners

• Learning to admit when it is hard to make the accommodation

Play/Recreation

• Make time for hobbies (even if it is 10 min)

• Put boundaries around what can be monetized or made content

• Incorporate *whimsy* to things like your wardrobe, home decor, etc

• Allow yourself to info dump on people that are open to it

• Join special interest groups

• Have a play buddy for accountability

• Attend play/recreation events alone to reduce feeling the need to entertain

• Find accounts (Substack, IG, Pinterest) that inspire you

• Research specifics before attending a class or practice

• Ask for supports in the class/practice

Psychological Wellbeing

• Practice small doses of self compassion

• Allow time or space to grieve (it will ebb and flow)

• Find a compassionate way to ask if you are overcompensating in a helpful or harmful way

• Try to frame your choices based on “today’s data”

• Consider when you have capacity to challenge yourself

• Write down your wins

• Keep track of compliments, recognitions, and wins

• Allow yourself to change your mind

This is just a starter/inspo list and would love to hear your ideas in the comments!

A Redefined Perspective Now Lived Out Loud

Dr. Megan Neff of Neurodivergent Insights notes this: When we learn about our nervous systems, we can begin taking our power back.

Learning what our nervous systems are needing, how we can meet that need, and who we can become is all part of that process of empowerment. I can’t begin to tell you how many days I celebrate a new act of accommodation or reconstruction that could feel so small for others but is insurmountable for me.

Those small wins are a gift to the little Lauren who needed space to move her body, who wanted understanding for the social hierarchies (despite not making sense), who could of used kinder support for seemingly easy tasks like unloading the dishwasher, and who wanted permission to wear the same outfits on repeat. Ugh I just had an intrusive thought about being bullied for my repeated outfits in high school.

This nervous system of mine has been through hell trying to make it work. Yours has been too.

What if it can live the rest of its life in kindness and possibility?

Bad days will still happen (because we aren’t in lala land) but at least now we have the cushion of embodiment, acceptance, accommodation, and capacity on our side.

Maybe the way we live out loud will inspire others to drop their mask and exist as they were wired to be too.

Hi! I’m Lauren, licensed therapist + creator of Nine to Kind.

I’m an ADHD type C gal that understands the type A experience. I talk about how to build + maintain a KIND life in spite of of perfectionism, productivity guilt, and the world being on fire…along with articles about being a cool girl stuck in the burbs, roundups of my favorite sparkling waters, and musings on the Bravoverse.

I believe planners shouldn’t make you feel like sh*t so I created a line of self compassion based planning tools like the Possibility Planner, Daily Planning Notepad, and Note to Self Post Its.

Each month I host Admin Night in Nashville where we gather round fun beverages and avoid avoiding in a shame free, non isolated way.

Can’t make it in person? I got you! Paid substack members will get to join virtual Admin Nights where we can fold laundry or tackle other projects together. Become a member of the community below.

Subscribe now

“Have you ever considered how much you do in a day?”

I sit there in the role of pot (therapist) calling the kettle (my client) black. We stare at each other through the Zoom call both acknowledging that we both are doing too much but feel far from accomplished. I smirk knowing that we are both having the same conflicting feelings, take a deep breath and then prompt her to walk through everything she did before our session today. ⬇

Context: The following narrative has influences from my experience as a therapist but not direct client content.

Pot: Walk me through your morning and what happened in your day…list it as if you’re listing symptoms of a cold or events in history…

Kettle: I woke up, got ready…

Pot: Pause. What time did you wake up? What was the first thing you did or was on your mind.

Kettle: Well if you want to get THAT detailed…I woke up at 5am, which was 30 minutes before my alarm usually goes off. I debated on getting up and getting ready so I wouldn’t be interrupted but decided rest would be better. My alarm went off at 530am, I turned it off, checked my email, checked my bank account, and checked my instagram messages. I calculated what time I needed to be at the office and if I should send my emails now or when I get into the office…

Pot: So you’re not even out of bed yet?

Kettle: I mean no…but some of this strategizing happened while I let the dog out, put out the bird seed, and brushed my teeth. Oh and prepped coffee…

Pot: So we aren’t event at 6am yet?

Kettle: Right at 6am. (a stickler for details are we?!)

Pot: You haven’t even “gotten ready” yet have strategized part of your day, reviewed emails, took care of wild birds, your dog, and checked your bank account. Am I crazy but that doesn’t sound like a lazy person?

Your bare minimum is most people’s maximum.

I’m not saying you’re “better than” other people, however I am calling out that you move differently in this world. We have to acknowledge that the bar is never on the ground…and there are pros/cons to that lifestyle.

This is why I giggle whenever discussing self compassion or allowing accommodations and they are met with What-Ifs like:

“If I give myself a pass, then I will stop doing everything…”

“If I allow myself a vacation, I will never want to work again.”

“If I quit I will never stick with anything that is too hard.”

“I will be seen as less than.”

“I can’t trust myself with a [break, vacation, compassion, accommodation].

These What-Ifs aren’t completely wrong but we the main point (and the discomfort we need to feel) is being bypassed.

There is a fear that if we don’t keep our bare minimum at this unsurmountable standard that our lives will become “less than.” That is classic all or nothing thinking, something we know but struggle to challenge.

Does lowering the bar a scootch might just make you…lazy?

For others? Not so much. For you. Absolutely.

The actual definition of Lazy: unwilling to work or use energy.

Sooooo is that a fair label to put on how you do life? I didn’t think so.

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Disorganized? Overextended? Survival Mode? Lacking direction? These are fair labels…

When you’re feeling “lazy” you are more likely experiencing nervous system burnout…the “unwillingness” to work or use energy is because there is no more energy to be had.

So sure we are “lazy” but not due to a lack of willingness…it is a response to the reality that we have been the opposite in an unsustainable fashion.

So then what’s a fair label? Do Tell…

Being more nuanced about our circumstances is compassionate in that it forces us to label the issue in an objective way. It looks a bit like this.

The usual stance: Messy Car = Lazy.
Solution for “lazy?” Shame yourself until getting frustrated enough to give the car a full detail (or remain stuck in the fetal position crying because you’re a POS).

Or maybe we allow some nuance here?

The nuanced stance: Messy Car = Reality of Packed Schedule Since Last Month.
Possible solutions? Do a mini clean while pumping gas, ask someone to clean it, take your kids to the car wash with the vacuums and sprays for “fun,” radically accept the car is not getting cleaned for awhile.

Using a fair label opens the door for real solutions. It takes the icky shame off of the reality of our capacity and gives us a jumping off point.

The other side of that and what makes this seemingly kind and simple concept not so easy…We have to take some ownership that relates to that fair label.

Maybe we shouldn’t have watched Love Island knowing there were 5 episodes (over an hour each) to get caught up on…Perhaps gaslighting ourselves into beliefs like “it’s not that bad” or “it will only take a minute I can do it later” didn’t get us where we wanted to be.

A fair label doesn’t zap the discomfort away…but it does take the sting of shame off.

Leaning Into A KIND Frame of Mind Involves a LOT of Undoing

Your fear of lazy is built upon years of messaging like:

Perfection = Survival. Imperfection is not an option.

Don’t be “too much.”

You’re “too sensitive” and “read into everything.”

Got time to lean? Got time to clean?

Eat your dinner and then you can have dessert.

You can go out once your homework is done.

First in. Last out.

Everyone is so entitled these days.

There’s a lot more where that came from but I’m sure your anti-lazy catch phrases were loudly ringing in your head just now. YEARS OF ANTI-LAZY FEAR MONGERING. So no wonder burnout is the baseline?

The undoing process is most times more important than the exposure to “lazy” or “scaling back.” This is why bandaids of vacations, medical leaves, treatment, self care days, etc only pack so much of a punch. We don’t believe that sustainability is a way of life that fits for us…so we do the things suggested and roll our eyes in the process.

How does one undo? I don’t have 5 steps for that honestly. But I do have a metaphor.

Undoing beliefs, systems and habits rooted in things like hustle culture, perfectionism, white supremacy, patriarchy, self optimization, scaling up, etc is like vacuuming glitter out of carpet. You can vacuum that rug for years and still find the gleam of a glitter speck on your foot.

For now I want you to think about walking across the rug, seeing the glitter speck and instead of losing your sh*t that there is still glitter in the carpet, acknowledge that you had a f*ckton of glitter on the rug in the first place.

That’s why I am not offering a how to unlearn system right now, because it is more about having compassion when those habits and beliefs show up. This is not a process that can be rushed (due to the sheer volume of years we have lived this way) nor should it be actionless. To stay in the battle long term, compassion to pick the speck and move forward is the foundation of unlearning all that junk.

Burned Out + Lazy? Make It Make Sense

We can’t. What we can do is offer ourselves a more fair perspective and save the word “lazy” for when it actually applies to the situation.

If you need a compassionate call out to help shift into a mindset of unlearning, you can also do the exercise I give to my clients…this is a take on DBT “Check the Facts” but in a less gaslighting way and more of a reality check that you’re doing THE MOST.

1. List out everything you have done in the day so far or the day prior

2. Be mindful of generalizing…list each mini step

   1. Example: Getting ready » Brush teeth, Wash face, Moisturize face, Wash + Condition hair, brush out tangles, Dry + Style Hair

3. Start to notice what feelings that come up.

   1. Overwhelmed? That’s the point! We are doing a lot in our days and each task requires capacity, presence, and energy.

   2. Sad? Sure because maybe there is grief about expectations or the shifts in capacity.

   3. Angry? Let’s burn it all down (jk)

   4. Proud? Absolutely! Own that you do a lot while also acknowledging it can’t be your whole personality

   5. Annoyed? Yeah you promised yourself that you would cut back, and maybe you did AND there is more to shift more than likely.

4. Use this list as a way to give yourself a more fair assessment of capacity and compassion when feeling tired.

Our worthiness isn’t determined by the list we create, our resume, accomplishments, you know the deal. Those things actually quantify where our energy is going and what aspects of life are not solid investments. Please keep your curiosity and compassionate lens on when reviewing this list.

In an ideal world, the word lazy would exit our orbit…AND

I know that can be a tall ask. Moving forward my hope is that you take stock of the amount of effort you’re putting into your days and use that information kindly. It is possible to find a more flexible way of living and it takes us knowing what we are actually working with in the moment.

Now that I think about it, maybe this is more about reclaiming the word lazy to be more of an aspiration? There is something to be said about the idea of being unwilling to exert energy and honoring that without shame. Is there room for the word lazy to be brag worthy? Possibly!

When you think of this exercise what feelings showed up for you? Have you ever considered that the word “lazy” needs some unpacking? Holler in the comments and let’s see if there are throughlines in our experiences.

Hi! I’m Lauren, licensed therapist + creator of Nine to Kind.

I’m an ADHD type C gal that understands the type A experience. I talk about how to build + maintain a KIND life in spite of of perfectionism, productivity guilt, and the world being on fire…along with articles about being a cool girl stuck in the burbs, roundups of my favorite sparkling waters, and musings on the Bravoverse.

I believe planners shouldn’t make you feel like sh*t so I created a line of self compassion based planning tools like the Possibility Planner, Daily Planning Notepad, and Note to Self Post Its.

Each month I host Admin Night in Nashville where we gather round fun beverages and avoid avoiding in a shame free, non isolated way. Can’t make it in person? I got you! Paid substack members will get to join virtual Admin Nights where we can fold laundry or tackle other projects together. Become a paid member of the community below.

Subscribe now

There’s a reason why you don’t share your stress with others, because I bet the last time you did, it went like this…

Enter Nine to Kind theatre 🎭

ACT 1: The Admission

I” wish I didn’t feel this stressed all the time but I can’t trust anyone to do the things I do in a day. I feel like I am the only one who does it the right way and if I don’t do it, it will never get done. Between the emails, the planning, and everything else…it’s just too much. I don’t know what to do. I wish I didn’t take all of this on”

ACT 2: The Moment of Invalidation

“Well yeah girl, you do too much…I don’t know how you do it all to be honest. Have you thought about taking a vacation or quitting? What would you do with all of that time? I mean none of us are taking on that much right now…”

ACT 3: The Spiral

Mental Monologue: “WhY dOnT yOu JuSt QuIt? That’s easy coming from someone who has extra support at home and isn’t responsible for a whole division. I HAVE THOUGHT ABOUT QUITTING SUSAN!!!! I just can’t because I don’t know how my life would work that way”

End of Scene 🎬

The advice, “just slow down” comes from a good place

It’s easy to understand because from the outside it seems like quitting would be the easiest, and honestly the most necessary, course of action. The sentiment often shared from others doesn’t come with intentional harm in mind, that’s why it is so hard to counter back in those situations.

We know we are doing too much…most of us have been doing the most for ages…and the ramifications can no longer be overridden (thanks perimenopause).

Getting to a place of "less" is more difficult than working toward "more" because it involves so much nuance and middle ground.

Much of life involves good intentions that become obligations, commitments previously enjoyed but now outgrew, and activities you keep doing because you "should."

Busy has become your brand and that reputation comes with benefits. Benefits like being trusted, feeling needed, having “connections,” a sense of purpose, you name it and it is likely a “perk” of your overdoing. That reality is what we need to hold when we consider auditing and editing our schedules and to do lists.

Letting go (or as I say channeling our inner Elsa) is an acquired skill that we were not allowed to learn. For us to learn that nuance we need to understand the influences that are in play. Here are 10 journal prompts to help you understand why you just can’t slow down.

5 Journal Prompts for the Overdoer that Can’t Slow Down

…and some additional reflections that might come along each prompt because we love a mental rabbit trail moment

• What is my vision when I imagine slowing down?

  • Does my mind go to worst case scenarios?

  • Do I imagine a world of leisure that feels unattainable?

  • Does everything feel interconnected?

  • Is it possible my mind can’t conjure up a vision or version of slowing down?

• Can I think of a time where I truly let something go or slowed down?

  • Was I forced to slow down (situationally, physically, etc)

  • What did I lose or gain as a result of slowing down?

  • Did I feel better or worse after slowing down?

• Do I carry judgments of others that have “slowed down” or “let go” of obligations?

  • What was the context or reasoning for them?

  • Was I envious rather that “judgmental?”

  • What values does slowing down challenge for me?

• Is it possible I feel shame for not knowing how to “let go?”

  • What messages fuel that shame?

  • Is there someone that can be my letting-go role model?

  • Who could help me learn how to let go (that I trust)?

• What would I do with the time or capacity that I gain from letting go?

  • Will I need to do more work?

  • Am I capable of leaving time unassigned?

  • Is there low lift leisure I can try (reading a book, walking, etc)?

  • Do I feel obligated to have my leisure or free time “optimized?”

• Bonus Question: Do I feel compelled to be the best person at letting go?

  • Is free time or leisure becoming another to-do?

  • Am I in competition with anyone?

  • Is my burnout management rebranded wellness hustle?

How To Journal Without Spiraling

For most of us overthinkers + overdoers we are operating under previously estabished norms or beliefs. We are also so wrapped up in our worlds we are trying to maintain that time for reflection and compassionate honesty are rare.

Journaling and reflecting require us to step back and take inventory. We are constantly putting out fires that we haven’t clocked that we have resolved over 100 fires in one week…drop by drop fills a bucket and ours is overflowing.

These questions are meant to feel a lil icky but not demeaning. Journaling with compassionate accountability in mind is teaching us how to hold ourselves accountable without manufactured urgency or shame.

When journaling or mentally reflecting, be mindful of staying on a topic for an extended amount of time. See what comes up first and adopt a curious mindset…with guardrails. Consider putting on a timer (15 minutes tops) and focus on one insight at a time.

REMEMBER: You’re not looking for the one right answer, but more so looking for possible explanations or ideas.

Once You Have Those Reflections: What To Do Next

Check out the Nine to Kind Planner Audit (free to download) and this BLOG that walks you through it!

Your insights from your reflections will help you with the editing process so that you can create more space + expand your capacity while also honoring your own process and pace.

Taking a more self compassionate approach leaves room for experimentation with our routines, schedules, and habits. Our next best move might not be the perfect one but now we are trying well meaning advice with our own needs into consideration.

Challenging our overdoing doesn’t have to be “tough love,” it can be a process of rediscovering who we are, what we value, and what makes sense to keep (or let go).

Any a-ha moments come up for you? What might be your biggest barrier to “slowing down?” Comment below I would love to chat it up with you!

Hi! I’m Lauren, licensed therapist + creator of Nine to Kind.

I’m an ADHD type C gal that understands the type A experience. I talk about how to build + maintain a KIND life in spite of of perfectionism, productivity guilt, and the world being on fire…along with articles about being a cool girl stuck in the burbs, roundups of my favorite sparkling waters, and musings on the Bravoverse.

I believe planners shouldn’t make you feel like sh*t so I created a line of self compassion based planning tools like the Possibility Planner, Daily Planning Notepad, and Note to Self Post Its.

Each month I host Admin Night in Nashville where we gather round fun beverages and avoid avoiding in a shame free, non isolated way. Can’t make it in person? I got you! Paid substack members will get to join virtual Admin Nights where we can fold laundry or tackle other projects together. Become a paid member of the community below.

Subscribe now

I’m standing in the hallway of a relatively clean storage unit taking in the smell of burning metal.

A few hours ago I got a call asking if today was my move out day, which it wasn’t according to my brain but according to my hands that booked the move out date. The universe must have known that the only way I was going to get my stuff out was an accidental deadline.

Cleaning out this storage unit has been pushed back, it was clearly something on my avoid-avoiding list that I have continued to avoid (until now). Things kept happening like unexpected sickness, losing the key to the lock, uncertainty of where we will put this shit (still a current concern).

As I smell the burning metal and hear the lock break, an unexpected rise of emotions creep up into my throat. My first thought is…I can’t be sweaty and emotional right now. I have things to do and swollen eyes aren’t it today.

The rise of emotions told me this: cleaning out this storage with uncertainty of where I will fit everything feels like a massive failure to me.

My past optimistic self hoped that the boxes would be gone because the work I had been putting into Nine to Kind exceeded my anxiety ridden expectations. That was not the case.

You are getting a front row seat to my pity party.

In fact this essay is coming to you from my office as I avoid writing progress notes and try to process these emotions without crying or making all or nothing decisions.

The thoughts challenging this feeling are already making their presence known, and their act will come…right now I want to just sit in the shit.

We want the behavior of procrastination to be this silly lil thing we do in response to overwhelm. Not only that, we want the solution to be “just do it.”

If it truly worked that way (looking at you DBT opposite action) I wouldn’t have a whole planner, multiple pieces of content, and therapy practice dedicated to the struggle.

Tackling our procrastination is not a logic only experience, no matter what productivity experts tell you. Avoidance is protection from heavy emotions and overwhelming realizations.

The emotions expand far from “I don’t want to” or “I’m scared I will fail.”

Avoiding-Avoiding can be a full blown existential spiral, and to be caught in the mix is not being dramatic or overly emotional.

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Your existential spiral likely contains the feelings that have been also pushed to the back burner in the process alongside the grief of what hasn’t worked out.

What emotions were on my back burner?

Shame that I haven’t sold enough to put a dent in the inventory I delusionally bought three years ago.

Foolishness because I haven’t walked away yet. There have been so many magical moments over the past few years that walking away would be leaving something…do I sound like someone that isn’t ready to leave their toxic relationship? (side note: I’m in my own “couples therapy” with the brand so we are working on things lol)

Loneliness. The brands I see online appear to be thriving…including one brand that jacked my content and planner concept (another story when I am on the other side of the messy middle).

I need to bring it back real quick because this essay is not supposed to be solely a pity party. This is a case example of why facing procrastination is so hard, and why traditional ways of getting things done might not be the only solution. I want you to understand the intensity of emotion that can come up, and not gaslight yourself out of the process.

For a long time I used to love listening to “How I Built This” until I started my own product based business. Because we know how their story ends, and mine is still unwritten (feel the rain on your skin). If my ending was guaranteed to be at the level of a Sarah Blakely or Chipotle, this would likely be that moment where a pinnacle decision is made…or at least positioned that way. All those feels are a big reason why I have been stuck and avoiding the task of unpacking.

Think about what’s on your back burner right now…some of it might lack emotional charge (like the dust on my blinds) while other stuff likely contains a heavy emotional burden (like making a follow up appointment with a doctor).

These emotional toll of each task is not equal and you have to stop imagining that they are. Your emotions are a strong part of your procrastination, drop the battle and ask what you (and your emotions) need.

You might need support so you can crash out once it’s done…or a helping hand to make sure the box does get checked…or another voice to drown out the inner critic.

These supports (what I call accommodations or coping strategies) are necessary to break procrastination and create movement.

Complicated emotions with complicated problems need nuanced solutions. Nuanced isn’t always complicated, but it is thoughtful and takes the layers into consideration.

I want to leave you with this question: How would your situation change if you actually acknowledged that the emotional burden is heavier than expected? This question I should have considered before rushing to unload the storage unit (and my additional emotional baggage).

I would imagine that you would avoid-avoiding in a far more kind and productive way. So cry, boss up, and cross that shit off your list…then write an essay after if you feel so compelled to…

Nine to Kind explores kind productivity that rejects capitalist grind culture and creates routines that prioritize care over output. Building your "Nine to Kind" doesn't have to be an overhaul but a kind shift you will know when you feel it. Our world has planners, notepads, events, content and more…here’s how you can tap in.

Become a paid subscriber for access to monthly Admin Nights where we avoid avoiding together and I answer your habits/routines/planning questions through AMA chats.

Shop Nine to Kind to get the Possibility Planner, Daily Notepad, or Note to Self Sticky Notes (and help me make room in my house)

Follow on IG or Substack for the bits and bobs that don’t make the articles.

It was the night before one of my bigger markets where I was debuting my new setup and branding. I did all the things I would suggest when discussing possibility planning: I gave myself time (but not too much time), made several lists that were accessible for the a-ha moments, and asked for help along the way.

All that sh*t actually worked, yet I was still the asshole running around demanding that something had to be wrong in that moment…what would my therapist have to say about that?

Years of overextending, masking, and constant procrastination have trained myself to only work in the midst of chaos. Every minute of my day was consumed with shoulds, obligations, and unreasonable expectations of myself (and the world honestly).

Part of this whirlwind was not having my ADHD properly managed…but much of it was operating with the framework of “worst case scenario” planning. My cynical self was so used to things going wrong, feeling rushed, and not believing in my work that I didn’t know there was a better way. Actually, I knew there was a better way but didn’t believe it would work for me.

So on this summer night before that market I found myself actually reaping the benefits of me working ahead, but not allowing myself to fully bask in it. There were shows I could watch, couch rotting to be had, a calm dinner with my family to be experienced but I wasn’t prepared for this. I wasn’t prepared for things to go well. *Insert sad music transitioning into a breakthrough*

I know I am not alone in this because I call it out in my therapy sessions and in the content I create all the time.

Delusion or Fragility: Two Planning Frameworks that Limit Us

We carry these two very different frameworks when making plans and considering the future:

1. Unchecked Delusion: The belief that everything is “fine” and that those concerns about the future are just negative beliefs that should be challenged. Our mindset goes a little willy nilly and becomes devastated when a small hiccup happens. Think house of cards type of setup.

2. Bubble Wrapped Fragility: The perspective that we cannot handle anything and we should pull back from it all. We isolate ourselves, deny opportunities, and become sad when others are living the life we want. Sort of like when we are scrolling and comparing to those what can “handle” more.

Both extremes dismiss the realistic potential of friction and undermine our ability to recover from hardship. It makes us create our rhythms and lives on what ifs instead of what actually works for life as it is right now (and what can be in our favor).

Our lives would reflect more self kindness if we allowed ourselves to consider both the best and worst case scenarios without them being at odds with each other. Living a KIND life means being able to exist in the grey and acknowledge that most of our lives are operating in the middle ground instead of good/bad situations.

What might be deemed as self sabotage is often a lack of mental preparation for all outcomes. We can spend too much time in those extremes that when something to other way happens we freeze and get stuck. We need both/and thinking to help us move from solely coping to truly being present in life, especially when things are going well.

What is Possibility Planning?

Possibility Planning is essentially the art and practice of learning to make plans with our capacity, values, and intentions in mind. It doesn’t subscribe to one way of doing things and allows room for changing your mind. Possibility Planning is practical self compassion in action. It’s not perfect but adaptable. (For more info on this, look up RODBT Self Enquiry)

Shifting to a Possibility Planning (both/and) mindset comes from curious questioning with compassionate accountability in mind. We question ourselves like we would a friend and leave room for exploration.

With the topic of self sabotage in mind, here are 9 questions to help you explore the What if it actually works out scenario and other feelings…

1. Is there a chance that I am thinking too far ahead and considering compounding effects of things going well?

2. Am I having fears that if things go well, there will be higher expectations or a higher bar to maintain?

3. Do I know how to sit with feelings like relief, joy, excitement, or peace?

4. Do I know how to have fun? Am I comfortable with the idea of letting loose or experiencing enjoyment?

5. If the scenario isn’t difficult or comes without strife, will I feel dramatic for considering otherwise?

6. Do I believe that something is only earned or considered “hard work” if there if difficulty?

7. What’s my relationship with success or things going well?

8. Am I hesitant to let go of my underdog status?

9. Is it possible I keep my standards low to avoid disappointment? What might I be missing out on by doing this?

What do I do with all of these reflections?

First of all I want you to remember that the goal of this is not to be a “positive thinker” or only see the bright side of things. Using compassionate accountability is about ownership and brainstorming. You’re wanting to expose yourself to options rather than insist things must or should go a specific way. This also will shift how you problem solve because the hope is that you will have a better target in mind.

Take my market prep for example, I was operating under the belief that everything would be left to the last minute, I would forget things, and I would be a hot mess right before the market started.

Taking some time to consider things running smoothly would have given myself the chance to incorporate something like my favorite coffee or rest time as something to look forward to. I would have increased my capacity that could have been better used during the market as opposed to scaring myself into preparedness ahead of time. These reflections inform both your mindset and your actions.

Give yourself permission to accept good things.

If you have lived a life of survival, striving and coping, things going well can feel foreign to you. Even more so if unrelenting expectations are part of your DNA. You deserve to have a win…for things to work in your favor…to have something be easy (or easier than normal) without fear or anticipation.

Learning to accept the good things when they happen soften our nervous system and help us see what else might be working in our favor on the daily. Things like when your gas light is on but you make it to the gas station (yes it should have been done earlier but hey! It worked) or when you are offered a promotion (it might be more work, and you have the option to take or leave it).

Living life outside of survival mode gives us more room and bandwidth when we need to buckle down or deal with mishaps. Accepting the good is both about the moment and preserving anxiety for when it is actually needed.

Hi! I’m Lauren, licensed therapist + creator of Nine to Kind.

I’m an ADHD type C gal that understands the type A experience. I talk about how to build + maintain a KIND life in spite of of perfectionism, productivity guilt, and the world being on fire. Expect a few random articles about being a cool girl stuck in the burbs, roundups of my favorite sparkling waters, and musings on the Bravoverse.

I believe planners shouldn’t make you feel like sh*t so I created a line of self compassion based planning tools like the Possibility Planner, Daily Planning Notepad, and Note to Self Post Its.

Each month I host Admin Night in Nashville where we gather round fun beverages and avoid avoiding in a shame free, non isolated way. Starting this Fall, paid substack members will get to join virtual Admin Nights where we can fold laundry or tackle other projects together. Become a paid member of the community below.

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Procrastination is like a young puppy that just ate your favorite bra (the only one with the underwire still intact)...it can be seen as *cute* at the very same time it is destroying your life.

Thanks to meme culture’s polite rebellion of self optimization, us procrastinators have developed somewhat of a toxic connection with the behavior. The immediate gratification of putting that thing off quickly wears off and gets replaced with the shame of repeating the patterns we say we would break (tomorrow). We feel part of a club, this gaggle of people all searching for the same thing (the thing being done).

Instead of getting curious about what’s going on in this ongoing cycle, we chalk it up to being lazy, poor with time, or unmotivated. Once we label it as such, our procrastination then evolves into a self criticism spiral or remains a focus until we actually face it head on. The cycle either gets ignored or temporarily tackled, then we move on for the moment.

Procrastination doesn’t get credit for what it can actually be for us. Procrastination can be a truth teller, highlighting our actual capacity, acknowledging our lack of information, and forcing ourselves to decide if it’s truly worth it to us or not. A lot of times we have to avoid avoiding as a means of survival. The things haunting us at night aren’t these major life decisions, they are the appointments unmade, errands waiting to be forced, and doom piles waiting to be in our way.

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Why are we giving our procrastination the benefit of the doubt? Because we already feel like shit about plenty of other things and we have to start balancing the scales. If we want to approach our procrastination with compassion, we need to know what it is trying to tell us. Giving procrastination the space and curiosity is the first step to quieting the inner critic and learning how to approach our life with self kindness.

Turns out, we can lessen our procrastination habits without beating ourselves up in the process! If procrastination isn’t the enemy, here’s what it might be trying to tell us…

You are pushing too hard and need to take a step back.

Overthinkers + Overdoers are notorious for pushing and pushing until we hit a wall. When we are forcing an answer or first step, the relentlessness actually creates more friction. Consider taking a break with the intention of returning to the task at hand.

How to reply: Do something completely unrelated like taking a walk, showering, cooking and let the mind wander. The more tedious the task the better. See what shower thoughts come up for you!

The task you’re doing is not aligned nor as urgent as you think.

Manufactured urgency is a hell of a drug…and many of us struggle to operate without it. It’s worth considering if the push is coming from an altruistic place or from shoulds or obligation. Does it really need to be done? Take a minute to consider.

How to reply: Imagine someone else doing the thing and getting credit for it. Do you feel any attachment? If not, the task is likely misaligned. On the other hand, imagine yourself not doing the task at all…feel upset? If not it is likely not urgent.

You need more support than you realize.

I know asking for, counting on, and receiving help is not the easiest for those with eldest daughter energy. However, if a task keeps falling back it might be worth experimenting with delegation, accountability, or encouragement.

How to reply: Start with sharing your frustrations with a task and see if your people can validate. If needing more of a push ask someone for a check in or a facetime body doubling session. Still feel stuck? Let someone else take a go at the task.

Clarity is lacking.

Do you actually know what needs to be done? Yes we are expert mind readers and are known for anticipating the needs of others. With that skill also comes the ability to overcomplicate or assume. Seek out more information and get clarification on what is top priority.

How to reply: When seeking the information considering giving the other party options (if getting instructions from someone else) ex: Do you want X or Y done by tomorrow. Don’t be afraid to ask the “dumb question” because that answer might unlock your direction to get the thing done.

Expectations are unreasonable and need to be reconsidered.

Your baseline is someone’s best work. If you haven’t considered what “good enough” means for you…now is the time. Also consider if your expectations on the tasks are reasonable and if you have set yourself up for success.

How to reply: To actually stick with a good enough action you will need to engage in a lot of both/and talk. For example: Turning this form in late is embarrassing AND I know I am not the first one to forget. This also helps with distress tolerance, speaking of which…

Your tolerance for discomfort needs some improvement.

Procrastination is not comfortable but it is familiar. That familiarity surpasses the unknown of failing, rejection, or shame for not getting the thing done sooner. Focus on easing tension within your body and engage in neutral or positive affirmations.

How to reply: Take note of what feels most familiar about this form of procrastination and refocus on the the other side of the discomfort.

You’re waiting on motivation, momentum, or something to be fully on fire to take action.

This one is a sticky situation! It can feel like more work to motivate yourself when none is there, AND we can’t always have that motivation on demand. Give yourself 5-15 minutes to start a small part of the project before shifting another direction.

How to reply: Feeling stuck but have options on what to do first? Use a coin toss to choose the next best step.

You’re overcommitted or are more focused on making everyone else happy.

The phone rings and your friend needs to be picked up from the auto shop…an hour away. You hop up and drive without even thinking about it. Being the reliable one is a great excuse that we use to justify our delay. Be mindful of people pleasing and using requests as excuses to avoid.

How to reply: Force yourself to take 3-12 hours before committing to someone else and their request. This is where that compassionate accountability can come in too–tell your friends that you need to practice saying no until your task is done!

You need to know if there are options.

When overwhelmed we can go into all or nothing thinking and feeling like there is either do the thing or don’t do the thing. Can things be broken down? Is there a better option? This is similar to the forcing concept, but different in that the goal is to brainstorm options in the moment instead of pausing.

How to reply: When brainstorming allow yourself to be as extreme as possible. There is no option too wild! Editing can happen after that.

Self Compassion Is NOT a Pass

Getting to understand your procrastination is not a hall pass to stay on your bullshit. Self Compassion is the way to begin having some of your worst habits actually work in your favor and begin to serve you. Your nervous system deserves a break from constant masking, criticism, and nagging to get the thing done. It needs a kinder approach that says “you know what you’re doing isn’t helping you and we are going to work together.”

If we want to truly change the narratives in our mind, we have to start by giving it new material to take in. We need to show that challenging procrastination doesn’t have to be the hardest thing ever, and give our nervous system the promise that we will honor its limits. Avoiding Avoiding is already uncomfortable, bringing levity to the process makes the already shitty process a lot less shitty. There is value in making things suck just a little bit less.

Avoid Avoiding in Community

Starting in August, paying members of Nine to Kind will get access to monthly virtual admin nights. We will take an hour to problem solve our biggest area of avoidance, dedicate 30 minutes of time to the task, and write out next steps.

Bring your laundry, appointment book, or paperwork and walk away with an item compassionately crossed off your life. Becoming a paying subscriber and join us in August!

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In Nashville? We have in person options too! Check out the upcoming dates here.

All images sourced via Pinterest

Yes I am one of those girls that will talk about how traveling to Spain changed my entire life. Getting to experience an European way of life (a few times now) is a personality trait of mine and I will not be apologizing for it thank you very much.

Now that we got that out of the way…a constant push/pull of mine throughout life has been hustle vs slower living. When I was a competitive gymnast I quit at age 11 because I wanted to go to a slumber party and I was tired of missing out on friend time. In college I quit cheerleading because if I wanted to exhaust myself this hard it should be for a SEC team (I feel snobby saying that but I was slated to attend Alabama to cheer).

My career was a series of devote your life to this or become a normie. Living a life of balance, self care, and connection to myself was the trade off for whatever thing I was pursuing at the time. Foundationally, I never learned how to work hard AND play hard (unless it was massive drinking to cope with the stress).

Then I met Henry, a man who traveled 30 countries before turning 30 who enjoyed a book with a Guinness at the local pub. He was quiet, took naps, and a passion-based career was never on his agenda. His accomplishments were marked with photographs, foods tasted, flights experienced, and adventures completed. Our extraordinary yet different lives met and the rest is history. The year he hit his 30th country, Henry introduced me to my first by way of Barcelona, Girona, and San Sebastian, Spain.

Outside of the 9 hour flight, the adjustment to leisure was striking. When a shop was closed for a siesta I was frustrated…I couldn’t nap for the life of me…WHY DOES EVERYONE WALK SO SLOWLY? What do you mean we are going to grab pan con tomate and sit in a park for a few hours?

After a few days I leaned in, forever changed but not just by my own experience of leisure….but more so observing an entire culture built on incorporated self care.

Spain has the built in break midday (kids even come home from school and go back), it’s common to meet friends for drinks + tapas on a weekday, and work seems to be left at work. A friend of mine who lives there now got an 6+ month maternity leave that she could take at ANY POINT…the system and culture supported this!

This observation led me down the path of beginning to question exactly “why we are hustling” and if the self care we say we are doing is even touching our burnout. That question I have been wrestling with for over 15 years and am just now making real moves to embody this within the culture of being in the US (and living in an unwalkable suburb).

With this embedded in the back of my mind, I think a lot about routines, schedules and how we set up our lives week to week. I wanted to ask a poll several weeks ago…

What felt like a simple question ↓

…was not so simple because I opened a jar of grief I wasn’t ready to spill.

I was faced with the grief that the idea of rest in the US is really only doable in these work hard/play hard compartments. The 4 day work week is more workable, but it doesn’t address the exhaustion we feel mid week. The 3 hour daily break is not doable as a culture because many have long commutes, limited options for family support, and are overscheduled with sports, networking events, and more outside of work hours.

We are all doing too much. We know it, want something different, but the different can’t work in our current context. I had to sit with the reality that no matter how much I shift my own schedule and routines, the culture of incorporated self care would possibly be extremely lonely and misunderstood. Because we have been limited on the types of rest and self care that are possible…or even welcome…in our life as we know it right now.

This is something I came face to face with this very day. Tomorrow is the first event of my Admin Night series and the prep is pretty much done. I was presented with a chunk of time where I felt like I should be panicking and working harder instead of enjoying the space that was made by my own planning.

I decided this was a moment for incorporated self care, so I took 90 minutes and went to the driving range to hit golf balls poorly.

What made this possible was a handful of things: proximity to a driving range, spending money, a car, and a spouse to take on anything if I was unreachable. Remove any one of these, and my incorporated self care would be different but not gone per se.

What else made this possible: the mindset and top of mind framework that allows space for things like hitting golf balls or rest mid-day. I have trained myself to see pockets of time as a way for me to do life instead of working ahead for the next thing. That right there is the thing we need more of…

Incorporated self care is not a new or novel idea…it’s just one that hasn’t been fully embraced in the US as a part of our everyday life. We love PTO, snow days, weekend warrioring life…but to fully lean into self care being “normal” and not a treat? It’s almost how we see food…having a smaller sweet treat in our day seems indulgent, but bingeing a cheesecake because “I deserve this” or “it’s a cheat day” is normal. We love snow days, PTO, and weekend warrioring…but taking an hour to ourselves? It seems impossible because there are no systems in place to support this.

We were heading in that direction in 2020 when WFH was more of a requirement and leisure was allowed (as long as there was distance from others). Remember the baking of banana bread, the walks, and the home projects? Those were starting to become interwoven into our days because the culture supported it. Hustle Culture took a backseat and people started to smell the roses, take afternoon breaks, and catch up on their TBR list. In the midst of a really scary and confusing time we felt something many of us had not felt before, simple leisure.

6+ years later: return to office is no longer shocking and the grind is louder than ever. That taste of incorporated leisure is now only a memory (remember when?) and seen as only occurring in the most complex of situations (like a global pandemic). We feel that loss, and that’s why I believe we are in a prime time to begin reshaping culture. But first we must grieve.

In this moment I am grieving the reality that wellness for most companies is the new “pizza party” (my friend Rose coined this and I can’t take credit for it)…I’m grieving how the 1% continues to exploit us in spite of having resources beyond what they will ever use…I’m grieving how scared we are to slow down…I’m grieving that most of us forgot that true leisure is an option in our days. My main grievance is that for this idea of incorporated self care to pick up, it can’t be presented as solely aspirational…

I think the ideas I bring to the table (like Admin Night at a bar) gets lost in the self-optimization adjacent nature of therapy + planners. It seems focused on productivity, but really it is living proof that people can have fun while tackling those shame-inducing tasks. Life doesn’t have to be this intense. Folding laundry in the bar while your friend does their tax paperwork should be normal!!

I believe that in the US is far from being able to fully embrace the tapas + patio culture that Spain fully embraces…but I do think there is more room to sneak the fun in (sort of like how people blend veggies into muffins so kids eat more veggies) without it reinforcing the binge/restrict cycle of self care. I have this dream that us chronically responsible adults remember that we have free will and the opportunity to begin embodying a culture of incorporated leisure and practical romanticization that can be passed down to future generations.

// // // // //

Thoughts I want from you:

Are you missing opportunities for more self care? Is it possible that what you’re seeing as self care might just be more self optimization?

What gets in the way of bringing more leisure into your routines?

Can the US defeat hustle culture one self care act at a time?

Hop in the comments and let’s discuss further.

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Nine to Kind is for millennial + gen-x women who are trying to get their lives together without becoming insufferable about it. Reflections and the occasional strategy shift on things like procrastination, self kindness, neurodivergence, grief, and compassionate productivity (I hate the word but we do have to get shit done)

Events + Tools for the Chronically Responsible + Chaos Adjacent

Nine to Kind Possibility Planner

Nine to Kind Daily Notepad

Admin Night: Nashville Email List

Virtual Admin Night Email List

We all have that memory (either ours or borrowed from the WB sitcoms) of a mother storming through the house with a vacuum and bottle of windex screaming platitudes like:

I’m not your maid!

Where would this house be without me?

Or You’re the one who invited friends why am I cleaning??!!

All things we swore we would never say right?

My neurosis has shaped my friend’s arrival habits meaning the “unexpected swing by” is quite rare…however my nervous system would tell you that any expected visit from someone might as well be “last minute” because that’s when I get my best cleaning done.

The tendency of manufactured urgency is not lost on me, so much that I have expected aspects of it to become part of my *process* of living, including ongoing household chores.

Where things lean towards unhinged is when I find myself echoing those sentiments of the 90’s frazzled sitcom moms….

The current panic clean recipe is as follows:

• 2 to 3 hours (let’s be real 1 hour) before the person arrives…enough time for sweeping and a meltdown

• Unbathed so you can furiously clean the house and wash off all the shame before socializing

• Paired with the third cup of coffee, a forgotten water bottle, and freshly dosed meds

• A laundry list of how you keep this house standing with the right amount of resentment to get away with “I was just venting”

• a fan because at some point you will start to overheat from inner battle between the inner critic and self compassion

The reason that the panic clean is so hard to shake is because it is SO FREAKING GOOD. Rage cleans aren’t far behind but it’s not fair to my husband to pick fights just for the sake of a clean toilet.

What feels different now is that us as a gen-x/millenial collective are so tired while upholding the proper hosting measures we inherited.

We want to say “fuck it” and let our friends sit in our mess…but sitcom mom would NEVER…so then we keep the cycle going.

This might be where I would slowly pivot you the other way and offer some tips and tricks on how to reduce the need for the panic clean but fuck that. In fact the panic clean speaks to the level of acceptance us chaotically adjacent folk need in situations like this.

The panic clean is a response to just how much you have going on…even if it is the inner battle between your ears.

We are balancing daily doses of injustice (understatement), alongside influencer brand trips while balancing our checkbooks (the student loan is supposed to go down right?). The overwhelm you feel is not made up.

Panic cleaning happens because there is always something more important. The reality is we aren’t living in a level of filth that would get us on a TLC show. Up until that moment of panic, you have likely been on meetings that should have been emails, cleaned up more pee (currently fostering a puppy so it’s on my mind) than younger you imagined, and somehow got your kid to camp with everything on the checklist. That’s Olympic level lifeing right there.

Can the panic clean become something we embrace and maybe romanticize at times?

Would it kill us to create a panic cleaning playlist to drown out the harsh critiques our brains seem to do so well?

How about not having a person or entity to scapegoat and instead just acknowledging that this was when you had time?

Or perhaps we just rebrand it as a cleaning party or cleaning challenge to gameify the whole thing?

Unfortunately the Rosey the Robot that The Jetsons promised isn’t happening because we would rather make technology that murders people and invades our privacy (if that sounded like a dark turn…you’re not paying attention).

Which is why we must acknowledge how the harsh narrative we carry as we panic clean only reinforces this unfair belief that we should be “better” in spite of the systemic issues in play. Yes we have to take care of our bubble but other things are happening too and it’s not ALL your fault.

We can acknowledge that the aftermath of panic clean doesn’t really feel good and admit to ourselves that the manufactured urgency is the only thing keeping us going right now. Along the way we have to allow some grace in the process. Giving yourself grace is not the hall pass to live in filth unless that’s your thing.

Grace is loosening the grip on the broom along with the grip on the belief that you must be optimized.

Grace acknowledges that your panic clean takes into consideration that cleaning any earlier would lead to a nuclear level meltdown the moment a leftover wrapper, clump of dog hair, or piles of shoes (guilty as charged) accumulated. That’s what we call an accommodation to the situation.

We think that we want a house that comes straight from Architectural Digest with white furniture and toys somehow in its place. But remember that feeling of walking in a place where you can’t sit on the furniture? Living in a constant state of optimization feels like that.

Panic cleans show us that we are living life…it shows us we have a lived in life.

I don’t know about you but I would rather exist in a lived in life more than a perfect one.

Nine to Kind is for millennial + gen-x women who are trying to get their lives together without becoming insufferable about it. Reflections and the occasional strategy shift on things like procrastination, self kindness, neurodivergence, grief, and compassionate productivity (I hate the word but we do have to get shit done)

Events + Tools for the Chronically Responsible + Chaos Adjacent

Nine to Kind Possibility Planner

Nine to Kind Daily Notepad

Admin Night: Nashville Email List

Virtual Admin Night Email List

Just you wait.

Get your sleep now while you can.

Back in my day we didn’t have technology.

No one would outright admit this…but we exist in a culture where suffering is seen as admirable.

The habitually self-sacrificial teacher gets recognized as educator of the year.

The business owner who puts their mortgage against their big idea is called gutsy on Shark Tank.

Your tired grandmother’s cooking was revered as the best of all time.

The attributes we associate with grit are actually being misattributed, because most of the time we are reinforcing suffering. This celebration of passion, tenacity, and overcoming has created the dynamic we all know as the suffering olympics.

It can look like the mother who rolls her eyes when a kidless friend mentions being exhausted (guilty especially on those sleepless newborn nights). The therapist who believes the only way to earn credibility is by surviving a community mental health caseload (I felt like I had to explain just how hard my post-grad outpatient practice was in order to be seen as equal). I truly feel there is rarely malice behind it, however when we are all enduring something in some way, comparison becomes almost automatic.

Internally it creates a habit of self gaslighting, where we stop trusting our own experience unless it measures up to someone else’s pain. Externally, we feel like our hardships have to measure up to some criteria in order to not offend someone or not appear as a victim.

Some of us overcompensate, pushing through and performing fine while resentment quietly builds underneath. Others push themselves to an actual breaking point because that feels like the only moment our struggle will finally be taken seriously. Either way we are making unfair decisions about our own limits and often putting the people around us (in addition to ourselves) in harder situations because of it.

Where does this intersect with learning how to plan with capacity in mind? If you’re constantly saying others have it worse, then you have no genuine connection with just how much of your bandwidth is consumed at once.

So how do we opt out? How do we communicate real exhaustion without bracing for an eye roll or a one up? How can we check our biases when someone who our faces start to show that someone’s struggle seems out of touch? It starts with getting honest about our own limits and letting go of comparison as a way of figuring out what is normal for us.

A Note Before We Go Futher

The framework I will be speaking from lives in the everyday. I am discussing how we can navigate comparison, self validation, and the social pressure to out-suffer each other in our daily lives.

I want to say this with my whole ass chest: It is important though to recognize that there are groups of people existing in a version of suffering most of us cannot fathom and will never experience.

I am not asking you to minimize that or look away from it. I do not want you to take on the guilt that most of us got dished as children for being “ungrateful” for wanting more, needing rest, or daring to say something was hard. We can recognize the levels of suffering within poverty, genocide, hostile governing, rights violations and more.

How you do life with that both/and in mind will be up to you. A few things I suggest is when you have the space or bandwidth you can contribute financially to local efforts, amplify censored voices, get involved with local organizations, check in with your children’s schools, and continue speaking against injustice.

That is the both/and…now back to your life ↓

The Difference Between Perspective Taking and Self Abandonment

The Suffering Olympics has been culturally present for quite some time. It might have been used as a weapon against us, a game we participated in to be seen, or something in between. Most of us have plated both roles at various points without even realizing it.

To begin sharing your own struggles or stuck points is vulnerable AF and we are hoping for a space of affirmation or recognition. When our vulnerable moments are met with questioning, one upping, or silence we approach conversations with our guard already up. If feels safer to stay quiet and assume others have it worse or that we need to just “get over it.”

Then your inner critic comes into the pitcutre. That part of yourself is constantly scanning for safety…and that safety is maintained by being taken seriously, appearing competent, and always having the right answer. The impacts of letting the inner critic run the show can be quite overpowering, with long term consequences. You stop trusting your own experience, stop sharing, and measure your pain against everyone else's before allowing yourself to feel it.

Perspective taking can quickly turn into self abandonment if we lack intentionality and curiosity.

For example, a parent who has not slept a full night in three months and their friend who is exhausted from a brutal project deadline are dealing with different experiences. If their sharing of experiences is led by protecting their experience or competing in order to feel affirmed, there is a strong chance both will walk away disconnected and discouraged.

For the parent, self abandonment looks like fixating on the friend’s lack of awareness, sitting in bitterness, and closing off instead of connecting. Perspective taking for them looks like remembering what exhaustion felt like before kids while recognizing that for their friend this might be the most tired they have ever been in that chapter of their life.

For the friend, self abandonment looks like going quiet entirely and not sharing because their exhaustion does not feel valid next to a tired parent’s depletion. Thoughts like “who am I to believe they are the same” take over leading to disconnection instead of participation. Perspective taking for the friend looks like acknowledging the differences while still honoring the exhaustion they are carrying without shrinking it down to nothing.

The visual is to imagine the conversation like a Venn Diagram: Two different experiences with real overlap. You look for the commonality without erasing the contrast. As a result, both people leave the conversation feeling seen, affirmed, and the suffering olympics medal loses its power.

Another thing that happens is that concepts worth examining like the parent’s bitterness or the friend’s habit of minimizing, have space to come to the surface. Areas for personal growth are now recognized and seen as just that…not a character flaw.

More Ways to Boycott the Suffering Olympics

• Notice Before You Edit: Before you shrink your experience down, take a beat and slow down. You will likely notice something like a sensation in your body or a thought that flashes through…followed by a quick internal calculation about whether your struggle is worth mentioning. Get curious about that moment instead of just acting on it. If it feels safe, try sharing a little more (bit by bit) than you normally would.

• Acknowledge Differences: Instead of going into lawyer mode, look for the possible common ground and then share the differences. Make sure you acknowledge that you’re showing the outside perspective to prevent the other from assuming you’re starting up the suffering olympics. Something like "I know our situations are different and I think we are both carrying a lot right now" goes a long way.

• Stay Firm + Humble Simultaneously: You have nothing to prove. You’re sharing your experiences as a way to connect, to offer more context, or to become more comfortable with transparency within your social circles. Because this might feel new or you’re anticipating push back, there might be the urge to overcompensate or shut down. Focus on staying within the middle path.

• Recognize Possible Limits of the Other Party: Make sure you hold awareness to the other person’s capacity to hold two truths at the same time. You might be opting out of the suffering olympics but they are not emotionally mature enough to see it or to opt out too. Remember that your experience remains valid.

What If My POV Should Be Challenged?

If you have read this far and you are still looking for to “win” then this piece was not written for you.

Most of us are not leading the charge of the suffering olympics out of cruelty. It was a learned defense mechanism or our worlds rewarded us for it. If you recognize yourself more on the side of the one upper than the minimizer…that is worth sitting with (with kindness and curiosity of course).

What we are learning here is confident humility. The ability to know your experience is real and still stay genuinely open to other possibilities. This leads to more mental flexibility…leading to better mental wellbeing (and who doesn’t love that).

Cool…So This Self Kindness Thing-Is There Something That Can Help Me?

We know opting out of the suffering olympics is what we would call a “lifestyle change” but a lot easier than letting go of Love Island (it’s a LOT of time). Self Kindness is a daily practice of coming back to yourself before the world gets a chance to talk you out of what you know is true.

Nine to Kind is more than productivity tips or the perfect planning system. You already know how to plan and navigate your week, you just don’t know how to do it without barating yourself in the process.

That is what the Possibility Planner keeps in mind. The Possibility Planner is a place to notice what you are actually carrying before you convince yourself it is not that bad. Self validation starts here…every week, every day, every list. If you want to start somewhere, start there.

How to Connect with Nine to Kind

1. Shop the Possibility Planner and Daily Planning Notepad

2. Join us for Admin Nights! In Person and Virtual Options in the works

3. Follow me on Instagram: @laurenruthmartin and @nine.to.kind

Did you realize where you might be participating in the suffering olympics? Share your thoughts below ↓

Eat. The. Frog.

Author Brian Tracy developed their self help book Eat the Frog around the phrase Mark Twain made popular:

"If it's your job to eat a live frog, it's best to do it first thing in the morning. And if it's your job to eat two frogs, it's best to eat the biggest one first."

Tracy then developed his successful self help book around popular procrastination principles we still hear to this day like break tasks into small steps and stop looking for shortcuts.

Because to eat the frog, one must have the emotional, mental and physical capacity to muster up the focus to get through the frog-esque task, sustain engagement, and then continue to do life once the frog has been consumed. Most of us exhausted overthinkers and overdoers have been sucking it up for a long time and we can’t eat the frog because we feel like frogs are all there are to eat right now.

Clean the bathroom? Now you are met with the cleaning supply closet that needs organizing.

Returned the clothes? Now you have to find the outfit you were hoping for in the first place.

When we are at these "eat the frog” type of moments we are coming face to face with the bigger emotional picture…the chronic responsibility tax. Your capacity (or lack thereof) is the issue and eating frogs constantly only drains you more.

Capacity management is no longer optional. Yes your self care might have to become part of your to do list.

You can’t live a healthy life off of Costco samples…sometimes you have to buy the bag of Gluten Free Jalapeno Chips (delicious if I say so myself) and incorporate it into your meal planning. And by Gluten Free Jalapeno Chips I mean how to bring the avoided things into your routine without taking the eat the frog approach.

Give yourself permission to loosen the grip on white knuckled productivity.

Fuck the frogs. Your first question is to even consider if frogs are even a healthy part of your diet.

We all have shit in our lives we don’t want to do…the context I’m offering right now is about all of the things we resent yet have refused to take off the list.

In the months around and after getting married, I graduated grad school, started a new job, adjusted to having Henry in the house 24/7, and all the other things that came with life. I hit a depressive episode because I didn’t have capacity and there were a lot of “frogs” in my orbit.

So I killed a frog. I didn’t send thank you notes. Until that decision was made they consumed a lot of capacity through the internal battle of it I sit down and do them or not. A true southerner could never…

The choice was not painless by any stretch, I felt guilt and had to brace for the judgment that may come. This is the type of thing that can rupture a relationship, but at this point something had to give.

So why take the risk? Because I gained capacity to do life and manage what came with not writing the thank you notes.

This is subjective territory…because one might think writing thank you notes is far easier than disappointing others. For a neurodivergent brain, the mental and physical load of those thank you notes was not going to be resolved with sheer willpower. Reducing the misaligned demand was my way out.

Learning your capacity can be a process and a solid first step is to begin identifying your main drainers. Some for me include sending pitches, writing progress notes, doing unloading and loading the dishwasher in one sitting, and making customer service phone calls. I know they are because the ratio of avoidance/mental chatter time to actual time to complete is completely irrational and the depletion post task is notable. The impacts occurring mentally and physically, which shows me that no matter how ridiculous I need a better plan of attack.

To put this permission slip into action, we must learn how to assess what is within our capacity (not should but what is realistic for US) and getting comfortable with implementing the accommodation. This act is an ongoing practice that if we begin mastering now will give us a shot at managing the stresses of adulting without the intense burnout episodes.

For the chronically responsible, lowering demands is a non-negotiable.

Terms like “accommodations” and “lowering demands” have become more mainstream through models aimed at supporting those who are disabled or neurodivergent. I was first introduced to these terms in my work as a therapist when writing medical necessity and disability letters.

Because our culture in the US is bootstrapping and productivity focused, accommodations have required a level of intensity in order to be honored. This undercurrent of productivity and career messaging has left those who are overcompensating (but burned out) or presenting as “high functioning” behind and wondering why they can’t do it like the others.

For me, it took having a child that is high masking with a sensitive nervous system to see the power of accommodations. For my child, everyday tasks like putting on clean clothes or going to the bathroom can register in their nervous system as a demand equal to cleaning their room. Without going into all the nuances of how we parent, here is what we have put into practice which has helped expand my son’s capacity and mental flexibility.

Killing Frogs

This is the metaphorical way of saying "picking our battles.” We have accepted that part of his capacity building is helping him get dressed (despite being able to independently), giving options when possible (shower now or after dinner), and not insisting on things that are societal norms (like talking to adults he is unfamiliar with).

What is seen as dependence or giving a pass actually keeps his overall capacity in a state to where he can challenge himself in other ways. I don’t waste capacity on please + thank you, I save it for when he is anxious to get on the track or when he has to wear a non comfy outfit for the event.

We can begin killing our own frogs by asking ourselves what really matters. Does it matter if we get to the holiday dinner 30 minutes early or if we hand pick our own groceries? If so…then what is the why (beyond avoiding discomfort or thinking we should be able to handle it all). If you can’t find a truly relevant answer…kill the frog.

Identifying the Accommodation

Identifying and trying accommodations is where we get to be equal parts practical and creative. Possibility Planning is at the core of this, because we need to be willing to explore without editing. There is no such thing as an unreasonable idea…those ideas are just not fitting the context of your life at the moment.

A few accommodations in my toolbox include:

• Asking Henry to load/unload the dishwasher and I do the second half (he unloads, I load)

• Limiting the number of sessions I do in a row

• Joining business masterminds or coaching groups for accountability

There are many more, but my main goal in telling you about those specifically is so you can take note of the various levels and contexts (high ticket business support to spouse support).

Accommodation identification often happens but it doesn’t go into implementation because of logistical (and very real) constraints or unhelpful core beliefs. The reality for me is that I need community, even if it is body doubling with strangers at a coffee shop, to stay focused. To get that requires a level of financial stability and sacrifice…however, if things needed to adjust I have an idea of options that would fill that purpose.

For a time, I would do the mental gymnastics like negotiating the start time of doing the dishes, avoiding the task, or finally asking for help in the midst of the shame spiral. Giving the petty problem some true thought, I realized that I needed both an adjustment with my ADHD meds (when I could go from the couch to the DW without a battle I knew things were good) and developing a system with my spouse to be okay with one part being done and the other taking up the other side. Those accommodations give me capacity that is best spent in other areas like treatment planning/coordination or writing content like this!

Two accommodations…one an unexpected big deal shift! Finding accommodations is less like “dumbing down” and more like finding the system that works for you. This week brainstorm lists of possible (go ALL out) accommodations to the frogs in your life.

Want compassionate accountability (or permission to shift) for the frogs in your life?

Nine to Kind’s Admin Night is a gathering of overthinkers and overdoers that need that compassionate nudge to avoid avoiding. We go beyond eating the frog and dig deeper into questions like “is this even important” or “what else is happening here?”

Body Doubling is known to be a major support in moments like avoidance and it’s a chance to meet others what that Type A or Type C energy. Our first one is June 23rd in Nashville and virtual admin nights are in the works.

Want in? Get details, join the waitlist for future events, or register for June HERE.

That skepticism is why I almost did not do this and what it took to get me to move forward. We get into what paying to be in a room with people actually gives you, why adult friendship feels so overwhelming, and how lower intimacy relationships are more valuable than we give them credit for.

Admin Night was built for the chronically responsible person who needs a space to show up without being the one holding everything together. We are talking emails, taxes, adulting tasks, good drinks, real conversation, and zero pressure to perform. The formula is simple. Novelty plus community plus accountability plus nourishment. This episode walks through how that came together, why the serendipity of the right people in a room cannot be manufactured, and what incorporated self care actually looks like on a random Tuesday night.

want to join June’s Admin Night? Register HERE

With our history of chronic responsibility and overdoing, it can feel overwhelming to consider being the one to say no or let others down. We need a more thoughtful way to approach this act of self preservation so when the time comes (and hopefully less last minute) we feel more in charge of our schedules.

Take a listen for the remix on pros and cons, and walk away with a plan for navigating this busy season.

People often find it odd of just how pessimistic I can be, especially as someone who instills hope in others for a living. That doesn’t make me a wellness poser, but someone who has learned how to work with their pessimism…and thinks you can too. The secret weapon? You will have to listen to find out.

This process is so much easier said than done. If there was an easier way I would tell you. What is most important about this process is the curious mindset and willingness to self validate the emotions that are actually there.

We break it down more in the episode but the process goes like this:

1. Get Curious + Find Your Objective Stance

2. Out Yourself

3. Host Yourself a Pity Party (you will see how this is different than ruminating)

4. Find Your Release and then do the thing!

Like I said…the process is easier said than done but that’s the work…moving through our stuck feelings rather than run from them entirely.

Are you an overthinker? Share your process for breaking the cycle in the comments!

This recent shift brought me back to the concept of incorporated self care and reclaiming our time. If you’re curious about what’s claiming your time or where outcome driven expectations are creeping into your leisure here are some questions to consider:

1. Are there pockets of time you are giving away out of anticipation or guilt?

2. Where in your existing schedule could one small shift make that time feel more like yours?

3. What would you do with your time if outcome had nothing to do with it?

For more listen to this week’s episode!

Where might you reclaim your time? Feel unsure of where to start? Comment and let’s talk it out!

This episode shares my realization of needing to follow my own path with rebuilding Nine to Kind. We discuss getting off of social media (or at least not using it first for marketing) the risks and benefits of aligned marketing, and the future of Nine to Kind.

Leave a comment with what you would want to hear more about!

This week I admitted something publicly that I have only shared in more personal conversations. I have life dysmorphia. Now in the therapy world we would call this minimizing, distorted beliefs, perfectionism, low self esteem, etc etc etc…but I use this phrase with deep intention. That term life dysmorphia gives weight to one of my biggest mindset struggles…one so heavy that at times I wonder if it can only be cured with a lobotomy or acid trip. Ok that might be a little dramatic but in the spirit of honesty, the dysmorphic mindset has been resistant to therapy, the reality that things have always worked out, and just my general awareness that the dysmorphia is far from accurate.

The admission was hard to share because it can easily read like privileged white girl gets the things she wants and she’s still depressed and you aren’t completely wrong. When it has been mentioned, it is usually a punch line or a way to ease the tension that the expectations of myself are extremely unreasonable (and why would someone be that cruel to themselves). As someone who teaches and built an entire platform on self compassion, bringing light to my own struggle was required of this more transparent re-entry into visibility.

More about my re-entry to visibility:

Why does sharing my struggle with life dysmorphia feel so important and big to share? Because I know that this topic is typically paired with the quick hit of “you don’t know how good you have it now” as seen here.

I don’t completely disagree with what he is saying. Gratitude is so powerful…however when someone’s emptiness is connected to something deeper…we need to sit in ownership of this feeling…not bypass it with quickly finding one thing we are thankful for in this moment.

Shifting from the uncomfortable cringe of “why can’t I feel my wins” to “and I am thankful I can walk” happens quite often in my office and with myself. The thing is we all know that the life we have we would miss if things were suddenly taken away. Since we know this, we either never share it or spiral about it internally until it spills out on a podcast or to our hair stylist. This time, I couldn’t let the cycle continue…I needed to sit down with these feelings and see what kernel of truth was there.

This more recent bout of life dysmorphia happened after I had several wins including a paid speaking opportunity, members joining my therapist business coaching group, and maintaining consistent sessions for Q1. Instead of telling myself to buck up and keep pushing, I disappeared from socials and content creation to investigate. There is so much information that comes in when we allow ourselves to sit in our dysmorphia just for a bit and get curious, gratitude robs us of that data.

Looking back, these wins were wins…but they were not wins that ultimately connect to the vision I have held so tightly to my chest. It’s like getting roses for every big celebration when your favorite flower is daises. The roses are beautiful but getting daisies means that you are seen and known for what you want. We know the pain of never getting the daisies.

The resentful receiving of “roses” is something that happens for a lot of those that possess that eldest daughter energy. We oftentimes understand the circumstances associated with the roses and are capable of forced gratitude to fuel us forward. When we are finally pushed to ask for daisies…the request can come with a bit of a temper tantrum or full blown shut down. We feel shame for sharing our needs in such an unhelpful way, so we clam up, say “it’s no big deal” and move forward. We never get to experience being fully seen in a safe way.

Personally I am very familiar with the cycle and honestly I am the biggest perpetrator of rose-giving to myself. This looks like saying yes to things that are no longer a good fit, creating offers that meet the needs of others more than my own, and chronically deferring with decision making (why is dinner the most difficult thing to choose?). All things that are difficult to detect (by design) and can be masked with capability.

I am not saying that those more recent wins were totally misaligned or my engagement in them was fake. There was much of the past several months I enjoyed, but the misfit was that it didn’t go with what I truly wanted to build.The both/and was difficult to sit in because I just wanted a clearer direction for what I wanted to do with the momentum that was appearing to build.

This difficulty led to a several week experimentation of writing launch pages for a membership, playing with digital magazine layouts on Canva, booking (then canceling) a house on VRBO to host a retreat, and feeding my comparisons by doomscrolling on social media.

Then I cracked…my body shut down and I knew that whatever I was doing could no longer be forced. My next move had to be in support of me getting off my bullshit and to stop accepting whatever roses were being dropped off in my lap.

I had to give myself permission to say no…no matter how well I could rationalize it. The hardest person to say no to was…myself in survival mode. Because survival mode Lauren has those old ways of coping on speed dial and she can’t be trusted.

What happened next will seem random but the moves were not. The next moves came straight from the back of my mind where they existed with thoughts like “maybe one day” or "that’s unreasonable.” Unless you go digging, the ideas will stay there just like your old favorite sweatshirt in the storage bin. We all know that feeling of rediscovering our favorite hoodie when reorganizing the closet. The only thing that was missing was committed action.

• I bought a set of used golf clubs and found a driving range open to the public. I went early one morning and hit golf balls for an hour. It was better than any other meditation I tried before.

• I got my microphone and recorded a new podcast episode. I found royalty free music and didn’t worry about a nice intro or spots for ad reads. I just shared what was on my mind and hit publish.

• I asked my friend to change our CE event into a business coaching/coworking day. We were able to create the schedule and secure what we needed quickly after.

• Instead of forcing myself to build my new website quickly, I have a linktree like site ready to go once the domain transfers.

• I restarted this Substack with the intention of building in public so I have accountability and motivation to keep going (and to not isolate).

• I signed up to participate in a 6 week self portrait challenge.

• and more (which I will share along with my long term vision next week on the podcast)

Did these decisions lead to immediate things like revenue, confidence, or virality? Nope. What I did get was relief, room to breathe, and this feeling of possibility. Something far more needed.

A few weeks in, I have hit some walls because that’s what my ADHD likes to do…however this urgency and hypervigilance that has been zapping all of my energy seems to have taken a backseat thank God.

Life dysmorphia doesn’t fade away overnight, in fact I am having to talk myself up a lot in order to finish this article and not see it as worthless. I have to remember to take photos and document the process because that is how I build in public. I have to share my struggle and my wins…even if it feels really vulnerable. Because there is someone out there with half of what I offer doing exactly what I want to be doing…they just allowed themselves to have specific wants (like daisies) and to not settle for roses.

If you’re in a spot that “looks good” but doesn’t fit quite right, it may not be distorted thinking completely. Give yourself permission to sit down and hash it out with the parts of you that are communicating what’s off (even if poorly).

Remember you’re not ungrateful…you are finally allowing yourself to want more.

If this resonated with you, I would love for you to come along as I lean back into visibility, rebuild Nine to Kind into their next era, and deconstruct all of my own BS along the way. Make sure you’re subscribed to Nine to Kind on Substack.

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Thoughts? Questions? Leave them in the comments and we can chat!

After months of ruminating about my content and being overwhelmed with it all, I decided to come back to my radio roots and relaunch the podcast. My original plan was to give you a quick update on the past few months and outline my visibility plans for Q2 of 2026. The ramble led to a confession about my struggle with what I call “life dysmorphia.” After listening to the episode, I feel like a longer piece on that concept would be helpful so I will keep that on my radar this week.

In the spirit of pace, the main thing right now I want you to consider is becoming a member of the community. There will be weekly AMA podcasts (dictated by your curiosities) and then late Spring I will include monthly workshops and monthly roundups of what is helping me on my visibility journey.

Exposure therapy is legit for a reason and this is my living, breathing exposure to being seen (not just visible) and getting myself back out there. Thanks for being here for it all.