Ever tried hitting on a girl who’s being... unreasonably difficult? Teasing you, mocking you, making you jump through hoops. And you, clueless on how to handle it and terrified of messing up, just go along with it.

Frustrating, right?

Constantly explaining yourself when she gives you shit. Sometimes, going blank, not knowing how to respond. Hell, you might even confront her on it, all butthurt and righteous.

Reminds me of that old Facebook trope, “the attitude girl,” lol. You know the archetype: a resting bitch face, unnecessarily bratty, getting a sadistic kick out of watching you stutter and fumble for a comeback.

Here’s the thing, though: this isn’t just normal. It’s a good sign. It’s literally an opportunity to build more attraction.

These are called shit tests. You’ve probably heard the term if you’ve consumed enough dating content. Maybe you’ve got a rough idea, maybe you’ve heard ten contradictory definitions, and now you’re more confused than before, or maybe this is the first time you’re hearing it.

Doesn’t matter.

By the end of this post, you’ll know exactly why girls do this, why it’s actually good, and how to handle it like an assertive, dominant man instead of being her little bitch.

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What are shit tests, and why they exist

Shit tests, put simply, are when a woman says or does something where your reaction reveals your true value to her.

Confusing? Let’s break it down.

No surprise, women like men with value. Men like women with value too. The catch is that value means different things to each of them.

Men are primarily attracted to physical traits, big boobs, big ass, hourglass figure, pretty face, whatever. Personality matters too, but it’s secondary (this shifts depending on short-term vs long-term).

Women are the opposite: primarily attracted to behavioral traits like confidence, leadership, assertiveness, humor, and intelligence. Looks matter, but they’re usually secondary (again, subject to change based on what she’s looking for).

Now here’s the thing: both sexes exaggerate their signals to seem more valuable. Women wear makeup, heels, and sexy dresses to exaggerate physical features.

Men post pictures with luxury cars, brag about how much money they make, exaggerate their alpha male posture, and act overly confident to exaggerate their personality-based features.

The “performative male” trend is a perfect recent example, guys pretending to care about women’s issues and interests just to seem more appealing.

The problem is, both sexes have some intuition for when someone’s faking it. Women especially, since they bear a much higher cost for bad reproductive decisions (evolutionarily speaking), so they’re wired to be way more selective and way better at spotting inconsistencies. Read more about how understanding evolutionary psychology can help you get more girls.

That’s exactly why women will often prefer an openly borderline-toxic guy over a pretentious nice guy. They can smell the performance from a mile away, and they despise it.

So how do they spot it?

This is where honest signals come in.

Understanding Honest Signals

An honest signal is exactly what it sounds like: hard to fake.

If you tell a girl “I’m really confident,” that’s trivially easy to fake. Just lie. Weak signal. But if your body language, voice, eye contact, and the way you carry yourself communicate confidence without you saying a word, that’s much harder to fake. Stronger signal.

Take it further: if her friend introduces you and says “this guy’s really confident,” that’s even stronger, because you can fake body language to some extent, but her friend (who has her interests at heart) isn’t likely to lie for you.

That’s why social proof is one of the strongest honest signals out there. The extreme version of this is fame. If millions of strangers admire you, that’s basically impossible to fake, you must be genuinely good at something. That’s why even an average-looking famous guy is swimming in women.

Now, back to shit tests. A shit test is when a woman throws you a curveball, something unexpected, out of script, designed to rattle you and see if you can hold your composure and confidence under pressure and pushback or if you were just faking it all along.

Example: any time she disqualifies you as a potential partner. “You’re not my type,” “you’re too short/tall/old/young for me,” or subtler versions like “we can just be friends,” “I’m not looking for anything right now,” or “I don’t give my number to anyone.”

Sometimes she means it. But most of the time, it’s testing whether you can take the hit without your confidence collapsing.

Another example: when she calls you out and frames it as a negative. “How many girls have you used that line on?” “You’re just looking for sex.” “Are you flirting with me?”

It’s basically a frame battle (if you don’t know what that is, read my guide on frame control). And winning frame battles is one of the strongest honest signals out there and one of the most attractive skills a man can have. It signals intelligence, quick thinking, assertiveness, and self-assuredness, exactly what she’s wired to look for.

Why being shit tested is a good thing

Shit tests are how women check if you’re actually consistent with your behavior. If you’re showing confidence, charisma, humor, she wants to know if that holds up under pressure or if it cracks the second she pushes back. Which brings me to the real point: shit tests are great because they mean she’s attracted to you.

A woman isn’t wasting her energy shit-testing a guy she doesn’t want. If anything, she’ll be perfectly friendly and polite to the loser, weak guy, because he’s not even worth testing. She doesn’t see him as an option. Think of it like this: a girl isn’t telling a 10-year-old boy “you’re not my type” (unless she’s a pedo lol). She only tests guys she’s actually considering. So if she’s shit testing you, that’s a green flag. You’re on the right path.

And it’s not just a good sign, it’s an opportunity. A man who’s sure of himself and his reality is attractive. So every shit test is basically a stage for you to show that off and build even more attraction. Which means you shouldn’t just tolerate shit tests. You should look forward to them. Hell, instigate them.

How to provoke shit tests

If you’re naturally showing off attractive qualities, you’ll get shit tested eventually anyway. But since we know shit tests are a golden opportunity, why wait? You can actively provoke them.

Here’s how:

Accuse her of hitting on you

Most guys flirt by flattering the girl, complimenting her, proving their worth, and basically telling her she’d be lucky to have him.

Almost nobody flips the script and accuses HER of hitting on YOU, playfully, of course. A simple “stop looking at me like that,” “don’t get any ideas,” or “let’s take it slow” works better than you’d think.

Two reasons:

a) it instantly makes you stand out because you’re doing the opposite of every other guy, and…

b) it invites pushback, which you then handle in a way that makes you even more attractive.

Escalate and lead

Just escalating an interaction toward sex or a date forces her to either follow your lead or push back.

Approach a girl walking by, and you’ve escalated from strangers to small talk (learn how to cold approach girls in India). Start flirting, and you’ve escalated from friendly to sexual/romantic. Ask for her number or suggest a date, and you’ve escalated toward something real.

Every stage is an invitation for pushback. Sometimes that pushback isn’t a test though. Sometimes, it’s her genuinely not being interested. More on telling the difference later. For now, just know escalating and leading is one of the best ways to provoke shit tests.

Adopt a playful, cocky/prize frame

This overlaps with point one, since accusing her of hitting on you is basically acting like the prize. But it goes beyond that. It’s in how you present yourself and talk about yourself.

Do you assume people will like you, or do you assume the worst before anyone’s given you a reason to?

Do you joke at your own expense, or do you joke in a way that makes you seem like the prize?

Example: “why would someone like a short guy like me?” versus “I’m the most charming, charismatic short guy you’ll ever meet.”

Do you agree with everything she says, or are you willing to disagree, give her shit back on her taste, and hold your ground?

Because think of it like this f you present yourself as the prize, she’s got three options:

a) Accept your frame and agree you’re the prize. Great, that’s what we want.

b) Test you and push back. Also great, maybe even better, because now you get to handle it well and look even more attractive doing it.

c) Not engage and leave. Also fine. Rejection’s part of the game, and it just saved you time and energy.

Win-win-win either way.

A small aside: Is being cocky and a bit narcissistic bad?

I’d argue a little self-centeredness and narcissism (colloquially speaking, not clinical NPD) is actually attractive. Adds flavor to your personality. It’s even better if you can balance being cocky with some humility and humbleness. It shows that you’re not a delusional, insufferable, arrogant motherfucker. You’re self-aware enough to know you’re being cocky. It’s tongue-in-cheek, not actual self-absorption.

And if you’ve spent most of your life on the humble, self-deprecating end of the spectrum, honestly, aim for fully arrogant, not just mildly cocky.

Why?

Because you’re so conditioned to play small and weak that even when you try to go full arrogant, it’ll feel so unnatural that you’ll probably land in the mildly cocky sweet spot anyway.

It’s better to overdo it and find the line by crossing it than to underdo it and never know how far you could’ve pushed. As Robert Greene puts it: it’s easier to ask forgiveness than permission.

How to pass shit tests

Shit tests are just frame battles, and I’ve already covered frame control and how to win frame battles in depth here (highly recommend reading that). But for this post, let me give you three of the most common and effective ways to handle shit tests.

Before that, though, understand one thing: the entire point of a shit test is to see if you can hold your composure under pressure.

So the most important thing, above everything else, is staying emotionally unaffected. That’s half the battle right there. Even with zero witty comeback, just staying nonchalant is enough to pass.

Of course, if you can pair that with something clever, even better, you capitalize on the moment and build even more attraction. This matters even more over text, where she can’t see your face or tone, all she has is your words.

1. Agree and exaggerate

When in doubt, take whatever she said and exaggerate it until it becomes ridiculous.

If she says, “I bet you say this to every girl,” agree and exaggerate:

• “Yes, and you’re actually the 69th girl I said this to today.”

• “Yes. In fact, the other day I said this to my grandma as well.”

If she says “you’re too young for me”:

• “Right, and you’re a paedophile for hitting on me.”

• “Yeah totally, we shouldn’t talk. You’ll take advantage of me being a naive young boy.”

If she says “I’ve got a boyfriend”:

• “It’s fine, I’m anyway gay.”

• “Just one? Amateur.”

The idea is to exaggerate so dramatically that it collapses into absurdity, which strips it of all its power.

What does this signal? That you’re so unbothered by what she said that you’re willing to not just agree with it, but exaggerate it yourself. That signals you don’t take the accusation seriously at all, which kills her attempt to break your frame.

2. Flip the frame

Turn it back on her, so now SHE’S the one defending herself.

She: “I’ve got a boyfriend.”

• “Bold of you to assume I want to be your boyfriend already. Let’s get to know each other first.”

• “Don’t worry, he’s not invited on our date.”

Instead of addressing whether she actually has a boyfriend, you accuse her of already thinking of you as a potential option.

She: “Are you hitting on me?”

• “Why? Is it turning you on?”

• “Are you complaining?”

Instead of defending yourself, you double down and put it back on her.

3. Ignore

Just ignore whatever she says. This can mean literally not acknowledging it or just not giving it any real reaction. Done right, and only when you’re genuinely unaffected (not just pretending), this might be the most powerful technique on this list.

She: “You’re so cheesy.”

• [one-second pause, no acknowledgment] “So anyway, where are you from originally?” (The ignoring itself IS the response.)

• “Cute.”

• “I’m glad you noticed.”

Or she says, “I’ve got a boyfriend,” and you say, “Me too.”

You technically responded, but the response makes zero attempt at a comeback. You’re just brushing it off.

I’m not going to spend too much time on passing shit tests here because it really just comes down to frame control, and I highly recommend reading that article.

Two reasons:

a) it’s got way more techniques and formats beyond these three, and…

b) it’ll actually teach you the underlying fundamentals, so you can come up with your own responses on the fly instead of memorizing a script for every possible thing a girl might say.

Now here are some common shit tests I’ve heard from girls over the years, the ones that come up again and again. Pick 1-2 and drop 3 responses using the formats above in the comments for practice:

• “I don’t give out my phone number.”

• “You’re a player, aren’t you?”

• “You’re not my type.”

• “Can we be just friends?”

• “What are you looking for?”

• “What makes you think I want to meet you?”

• “Why should I tell you my name?”

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Shit tests that you give to girls

Shit tests get talked about online almost exclusively as something women do to men. But there’s no rule saying it has to stay that way.

Giving shit tests back to girls does two things:

a) It flips the power dynamic. Now you’re the one evaluating, testing, and teasing her just as much, if not more. This puts YOU in the chooser position, and she has to start qualifying and justifying herself to you. Which is exactly the frame shift you want, from you chasing her to her chasing you.

b) It proves you’re not there to just take her shit and constantly defend yourself. You can dish it out too. Honestly, if a girl’s hitting you with a lot of shit tests and you’re the only one on defense the whole time, you shouldn’t just be able to give it back, you probably should. It stabilizes the conversation and pulls it into a more normal, neutral vibe, because now she knows she’s not the only sassy one in the room and that you can out-sass her if you want to.

How do you give shit tests to girls?

Simple rule of thumb: say the things girls usually say to guys. Stuff like:

• “Let’s take it slow.”

• “Are you hitting on me?”

• “Don’t get any ideas.”

• “That shirt looks... hmm... interesting.”

• “You’re too young/old for me.”

And plenty more.

Giving her shit tests is basically just a form of teasing, and I’ve already written one of the most in-depth flirting guides for Indian guys out there, which covers this in detail. Highly suggest reading that for more ideas on how to shit test her right back.

What shit tests are not

Since shit tests aren’t really an academically recognized term, people argue a lot about what counts as one.

Part of the confusion is that genuine disinterest or an actual insult can sound exactly like a shit test on the surface, and telling the difference between “she’s playfully testing my frame” and “she’s actually being mean or just not interested” isn’t always easy.

So now that we’ve covered what shit tests are and why they exist, let’s cover what they’re not.

They’re not insults

Sure, some shit tests, “you’re too short,” “you’re not my type,” can sound like insults. But they’re not really. Shit tests are playful. They’re bantering and flirting.

An actual insult is when she attaches something clearly negative to you. “You’re too short” isn’t an insult. It’s just a stated preference. “You’re too short, it’s disgusting” is an insult. But even then, context matters. Same words said with a cheeky smile on her face? Still probably teasing.

Now, you could argue that’s still disrespectful and doesn’t give her a free pass, and honestly, I’d agree. Some girls are just bad at flirting, conditioned to think being mean IS flirting, probably because guys have rewarded that behavior in the past by chasing harder and simping instead of holding their frame.

Point is, the line between shit test and insult isn’t fixed. It’s subjective, based on your own tolerance. Some people have thick skin and genuinely don’t care what’s said to them. Others have a much lower threshold for disrespect.

My advice: build a thicker skin, treat everything as a shit test for practice at first, then eventually draw your own line for what you won’t tolerate. But you can’t draw that line until you’ve actually been exposed to the full range, from playful tease to genuine insult, and figured out where YOU feel comfortable.

One last thing: even if she IS insulting you and you’re not interested in entertaining it, your response still runs on the same frame control principles as any shit test. Same skillset either way.

Not every pushback is a shit test

Some are genuine concern, and some are genuine disinterest.

As a beginner, the rule of thumb is to treat everything as a shit test, but always leave the door open for her to exit if she’s truly not interested. As you get more reps in and get better at reading context, you’ll get better at telling the difference.

And sometimes something that sounds like a shit test is actually neither a test nor disinterest. It’s a real concern dressed up playfully.

For example, “I bet you’re a fuckboy” sounds like a shit test and probably mostly is, but it’s not always totally random. She might genuinely be wondering if she’s just another notch on your badge for you. In that case, you still want to hold your frame and not justify yourself but also actually address the concern underneath.

Something like, “Don’t get any ideas, I’m very selective about girls.” You’ve flipped the frame back on her and also low-key told her you’re not just sleeping with anyone. You actually look for other qualities.

They’re not an invitation to be confrontational

If she tests you and you respond by getting confrontational, insulting her back, getting reactive or aggressive, that reads as exactly what you don’t want it to read as: rattled. Emotionally affected. The opposite of unbothered.

If you react adversarially, try to score a point at her expense, and get butthurt about it, you’ve failed the test. The whole point of the test was to see if what she says actually gets under your skin and messes with your internal state. Getting aggressive proves it did. It signals low self-belief, low security, poor frame control, and emotional instability. All the things you don’t want to signal.

They’re not manipulative games

A lot of people call shit tests manipulative, the argument being: instead of just directly asking someone if they have the qualities you want, you’re testing them indirectly to find out.

That sounds noble on paper. Falls apart in reality.

Ask someone directly, “Are you confident? Are you emotionally stable?” and why would they ever say no? Most people act in their own self-interest. Ask them directly and they’ll just lie. You might say, well, that’s not the kind of person you’d want anyway, fair, but then how would you have known they were lying in the first place?

On top of that, confidence and emotional stability aren’t things you can just state. They’re things you show. They only get revealed through circumstance, through how someone actually behaves under pressure or pushback. You can’t just say “I’m confident” and expect people to buy it.

If we lived in a world where people said exactly what they meant and meant exactly what they said, sure, direct, honest communication would be the way to go. But we don’t live in that world.

Most people aren’t fully honest or fully themselves around others, and honestly, that’s not even necessarily a bad thing. You’re not the same person around your parents as you are around your friends. Might as well understand how this actually works and use it to your advantage.

Second, girls aren’t sitting there actively plotting shit tests like some evil scheme. Most of the time it’s subconscious, automatic, almost instinctual, and not deliberate.

And lastly, looking at shit tests through a lens of “manipulation” completely misses the point of flirting. Flirting IS back-and-forth banter. Teasing, giving each other shit, and playfully mocking one another. All that is part of the courtship process. Both people know it’s not serious, not personal, and that’s exactly what makes it fun.

Now, are there behaviors that genuinely are manipulative or border on it? Absolutely, especially once you know someone deeper or you’re actually in a relationship. Deliberately creating situations to constantly put someone on the spot, deceptive behavior meant to mess with them DOES cross into manipulation territory.

But when you’re in the courtship phase, the talking stage, when you’ve just met someone and aren’t official yet? Shit tests are just a natural part of flirting.

Next steps…?

So, next time a girl gives you attitude, teases you, makes you jump through hoops, remember what you now know. She’s not doing this because she’s a bitch (well, some are lol). She’s doing it because on some level, she’s actually attracted to you and wants to see if you can hold your own under pressure.

That “attitude girl” archetype I mentioned at the start? She’s not your enemy. She’s giving you free reps. Free opportunities to build more attraction, week after week, interaction after interaction, if you know how to actually use them.

Of course, reps require interactions in the first place, and this is where most guys get stuck. They know they should be talking to more girls, but they’re scared of rejection or coming off creepy, so they just... don’t.

If that’s you, learning cold approach is genuinely one of the fastest ways to rack up reps. I’ve got a beginner’s guide that walks you through dealing with approach anxiety, a step-by-step way to approach without looking like a creep, the common mistakes guys make, and how to actually not blank out and run out of things to say once you’ve opened.

Worth checking out if you’re serious about getting good at this stuff instead of just reading about it.

And speaking of practice, before you go, scroll back up to the “how to pass shit tests” section and actually use it. Pick a couple of those common shit tests I listed and drop your responses in the comments using the three formats I mentioned. Reading this post is step one. Actually practicing coming up with responses on the spot is what makes it stick.

Good luck. Adios.

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If you’re reading this, chances are you’ve consumed a stupid amount of dating content. Rizz reels, cold approach breakdowns, “how to talk to women” YouTube essays at 2x speed.

And yet, you still haven’t done a single approach.

Because here’s the uncomfortable stat: 99% of guys who consume this content never act on it.

Why?

Approach anxiety. The feeling you get when you see a girl you want to approach and your heart starts beating at the speed of light, your legs freeze, and you choke on your own breath, unable to say anything.

And this is the actual reason most guys never get anywhere. Holding a conversation, being interesting, flirting, escalating... none of that stuff is learnable from a video or a written post. You only learn it by doing approaches. But if you’re not approaching, you’re not even in the room where the real skill-building happens.

Here’s a different way to think about it: getting over approach anxiety doesn’t mean your job is done. It just means you’ve made it to level zero. The actual learning starts after that.

I’ve already broken down the psychology behind approach anxiety, why it happens, why it’s completely normal, and the philosophy behind it in a separate post.

This post isn’t that. This is the part where I actually hand you solutions.

Now, a quick heads-up: different guys respond to different solutions, as approach anxiety doesn’t show up the same way for everyone. So go through everything below, see what actually resonates with you, what feels doable given your personality, and use that. You can even stack a few of these together for a bigger effect.

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Solution #1: Reframe anxiety to excitement

When you see a girl and freeze up, what’s actually happening under the hood is your body’s releasing adrenaline, which your brain reads as a fight-or-flight situation. Like it’s life or death.

Now think about a rollercoaster. Same biology. Your body releases adrenaline again, but this time the experience hits differently. Your brain doesn’t bother labelling it as danger. It just reads the raw sensation for what it is, heightened arousal, and calls it excitement.

So, if your body is releasing the same chemical in both situations, why do we label one experience as ‘anxiety’ and another as ‘excitement’?

It’s because of how you’re interpreting the situation around it.

With the girl, you’ve decided there’s a threat, rejection, embarrassment, whatever, so your brain slaps a “danger” label on it, and you feel fear. With the rollercoaster, there’s no threat to interpret, so the same chemical just reads as thrill.

So, the next time, instead of accepting the fear frame, catch yourself and flip it. Tell yourself you’re not scared but excited. That one shift alone is enough for a lot of guys to actually take the step instead of freezing.

There’s also a second layer to this anxiety. It’s what comes after. What do I say? What if she rejects me? What if I run out of things to say? What if she asks something I’m not ready for?

Give yourself permission to leave the interaction after saying hi. You don’t have to perform after the approach. Walking up and saying hi is enough. That’s already a win. Anything past that is a bonus, not a requirement. If you say hi and immediately want to bail, “nice meeting you, bye,” that’s completely fine. You’re allowed to do that.

Stop putting pressure on yourself to perform after the approach. That pressure is often what’s stopping you from approaching in the first place.

Go say hi. That’s it. Nothing to be scared of, everything to be excited about.

Solution #2: The 3-second rule

Another one that works well is the 3-second rule. This isn’t a loose guideline you can talk yourself out of. You have to treat it like a sacred rule you’re not allowed to break at any cost.

But what is the 3-second rule?

It’s simple. The moment you see a girl you want to talk to, you have three seconds to start moving toward her. Walk with intention. Not that half-committed pace where you’re secretly hoping she disappears into a store so you can tell yourself “damn, missed her” and let yourself off the hook.

Walk like you’ve already decided. Because you have.

Here’s why this works. Reframing your anxiety into excitement is great in theory, but in the actual moment, your brain gets hijacked by fear before you even get the chance to consciously flip that switch. You don’t have the bandwidth in that split second to remember all the mindset stuff.

That’s exactly what the three-second rule protects against. It doesn’t give your brain any room to spiral. You’re not negotiating with it. You’re not entertaining the “what ifs,” you’re just moving.

Most guys talk themselves out of the approach in that tiny window between seeing her and deciding to act. Take that window away, and you take away the exit.

Solution #3: Progressive desensitisation

This is the exact beginner gameplan I give my online coaching clients. Think of it like progressive overload at the gym. You add a little weight each week to increase the difficulty and push yourself more.

This is the same thing, a clear ladder that gets harder while staying doable enough that you’ll actually show up and do it.

Here’s what you have to do: set a number of girls you want to approach the next time you’re out. Leave for college or work 30-60 minutes earlier than usual and knock it out on the way, metro, mall, market, or wherever you’re passing through.

Here’s the ladder:

Level 1: Approach 3 girls, ask for directions, leave right after they answer.

Level 2: Go up to 2-3 girls, give a genuine compliment, leave. No need to keep the conversation going.

Level 3: Approach 2-3 girls, compliment them, and when they say thanks, introduce yourself. “Hi, I’m [name], what’s your name?” You can still leave right after if you want.

Level 4: Same setup, but this time you stay and hold a short conversation after exchanging names.

You can knock all four levels out in one day (recommended) or spread them across the week. Doesn’t matter which, as long as you actually do them and keep pushing the difficulty up. Warna kuch nahi hoga.

Level 1 and Level 2 especially. There’s no excuse to skip those. They’re too easy not to do. And once you’ve done those, you’re going to want to push into Level 3. Once you’ve done Level 3, Level 4 stops feeling impossible. You’ll actually want to stay in the conversation because you’ll realise it’s not the big deal your brain made it out to be.

Until you’ve done an approach, your brain treats it like this massive, impossible thing. The second you take any action, even a small one, you get a hit of confidence. That confidence pushes you to approach again, which builds more confidence, which pushes you further. It’s a loop, and once it starts running in your favour, it just keeps compounding.

Solution #4: Physiological help

This one’s a temporary bandaid, not a real fix. But it can work if you’re someone who gets pumped up and locked in from music, a quick set of push-ups before you leave the house, screaming into the mirror, hitting yourself in the balls (please don’t do that), or literally anything that shifts your physiology and gets you a bit riled up into a more confident state.

It can help, at least a little and at least temporarily.

Liquid courage is a great example of this. A lot of guys drink before going out and feel more confident doing it. I’m not telling you to depend on alcohol, but the underlying principle is the same either way: you’re borrowing confidence from something external, temporarily, to get yourself to act.

But this only works if you actually use that boost to approach. If you just get hyped up and don’t do anything with it, it’s pointless. And on days you’re not naturally feeling confident or in the mood, you can lean on memories of approaches you’ve already done. Those become your evidence that you can do it, even without the external push.

Worth using, especially early on. Take whatever help you can get in the beginning. But the long-term goal is to not need any of it, to approach regardless of how you’re feeling that day.

Solution #5: Self-hate

This one’s not for everyone. But it’s worked incredibly well for me, not just with cold approaching but in a bunch of other areas of my life too.

Quick clarification: when I say self-hate, I don’t mean actually hating yourself. I’m using it colloquially. What I really mean is you start associating pain, discomfort, embarrassment, and disappointment with NOT approaching.

This mindset is intense, I know. But some people are wired to be more motivated by avoiding pain than chasing reward. If that’s you, if you don’t want to feel like a weak loser who folds every time you see a girl, this one might actually get through to you.

You’re being handed the opportunity, over and over, and every time you bail on it, you’re basically betraying yourself. Every time you don’t approach, you’re committing a kind of blasphemy against yourself. You’re rejecting yourself before anyone else even got the chance.

And why the fuck would you ever do that to yourself?

It’s one thing for someone else not to like you. It’s a completely different thing when you’re the one sabotaging you.

Don’t accept that from yourself. Hold yourself to a higher standard. You can’t just bail on every opportunity you’re given. Be a man, step up, do the approach, and take the action, regardless of how you feel in the moment. Because trust me, you will feel worse walking away from the opportunity than you ever will from a bad approach.

A little self-hate to push yourself into action isn’t a bad thing. Especially if you’re someone who runs on avoiding negative emotions more than chasing positive ones.

Solution #6: Go out with a wingman

If you’re a beginner and you can find someone else who’s also actively learning cold approaches as well, go out with them. It’s one of the best things you can do. I can’t overstate how useful this is.

Go out solo and it’s way easier to overthink yourself out of every single approach. Go out with someone, and you’re too busy and distracted having conversations and fun to fall into that trap. That alone keeps the negative self-talk and spiralling at bay.

Your wing can also keep you accountable. If you see a girl and freeze up, he can call you out on it. Push you. Even straight up drag you toward her if he has to.

And there’s a modelling effect too. If you watch your wingman walk up and approach girls, you’ll get motivated to want to do it too. We’re social animals. We like to fit in the group we’re in. If the culture around you is “we approach”, you’ll start approaching, because that’s just what the group does.

He can also remind you of all these solutions in the moment when you’re too anxious to remember any of it yourself. He keeps you grounded when your brain’s trying to talk you out of it.

Find a wing. It changes everything.

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Closing thoughts

One thing I want to call out before wrapping up. A lot of guys ask me some version of, “How do I get over my fear of X so I can do Y?”

That question is built on a false assumption, that you need to resolve the fear first and only then can you act.

But that’s not how fear works.

You can’t think your way out of it. You can’t logic your way out of it. Fear doesn’t respond to reasoning. It’s irrational, stubborn, dheet, and it doesn’t care how good your argument is.

The actual order goes the other way. You do the thing WHILE you’re still scared. NOT AFTER you’ve stopped being scared. You do it WHILE you’re shaking, WHILE your stomach’s in knots. And you do it enough times, hundreds, maybe thousands, until the fear just isn’t there anymore.

This ties into repetition and why it matters so much. Your brain is plastic. You can literally rewire it, and repetition is the mechanism. Every time you repeat something, you’re carving new neural pathways, conditioning your mind to respond differently than it used to.

Right now, approach anxiety is your default setting. After 100 approaches, it won’t be. You’ll genuinely be a different person on the other side of that, not because of some mindset shift, but because of neuroplasticity. Because of reps.

So here’s what I want you guys to do: 100 approaches in the next 30 days.

They don’t need to be good. They don’t need to last 5 minutes, or 2 minutes, or even 30 seconds. Even if you just compliment and leave, it still counts.

What you’ll probably find, once you actually start doing this, is that you won’t want to leave after complimenting, because you’ll see girls responding well and wanting to keep talking to you. That’ll happen naturally. But that’s not the goal. The goal is just the reps.

Get the 100 in, and let that reprogram your brain to stop letting approach anxiety stop you from taking action so you can learn the stuff that will actually get you results.

So you finally built the courage to make cold approaches part of your lifestyle. You’re regularly walking up to strangers, especially girls, starting conversations, keeping them going, and sometimes even walking away with a number or an Instagram.

That’s progress.

But there’s a problem. Most of those numbers ghost after the first message. Or the conversation fizzles out after a few exchanges. Or she keeps responding but never actually agrees to meet up.

This is one of the most common walls beginners and intermediates hit right after they get past approach anxiety.

In person, everything seems to be going great. She’s laughing, blushing, flirting back, clearly into it. But the second she walks away and you two reconnect over text, that energy is just... gone.

I almost skipped writing about this because I know most of my audience hasn’t even taken the first step of approaching someone yet, so this won’t apply to them yet. If you’re one of them, you should read my detailed post on cold approaching in India and 9 mistakes to avoid.

But for the smaller group of guys who are actually out there approaching regularly, whether it’s on your commute, at the mall, or just within your social circle, this one shift can completely change your results. It’s the difference between collecting numbers that go nowhere and actually getting girls to meet up with you, enthusiastically.

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What attraction actually is, and why it’s not enough to get her to text back

In a cold approach, or really any situation where you don’t have much shared history with someone, you need to make a strong first impression fast. Strong enough that it forces a reaction. Either they engage hard or they reject you hard.

Why?

Because in a cold approach situation, you’ve got a tiny window to build enough rapport, curiosity, or attraction to earn more of their time, especially if you’re approaching with romantic intent. Otherwise, they’ve got zero reason to keep talking to you. They can just reject you and go back to whatever they were doing.

So how do you actually do that?

On the surface, it looks like teasing, flirting, telling stories, and asking interesting questions. But underneath all of that, what you’re really doing is putting them through a range of emotions.

To put it even simpler: you’re giving them positive and negative emotional spikes.

Most guys mess this up because they only bring one flavor to the table. They’re either boring, overly nice, flattering her non-stop, or putting her on a pedestal. Or they swing the other way and act like an asshole, teasing and mocking her the whole time.

The problem isn’t that either approach is wrong. It’s that they only do one of them. Mix both in, and suddenly the conversation becomes way more engaging.

Think about your Instagram reels feed. You stay glued to it because the algorithm figured out how to hit you with different emotions in quick succession.

One reel’s a standup bit, the next is war footage, then a hyper-specific meme only you’d get, then a cute dog video, then something about why men are trash, then something about how modern women are ruining society, and then back to funny.

Not exactly healthy for your brain, but you can’t deny it works.

When you talk to a stranger, you’re doing the same thing on a smaller scale. You don’t need to be as intense or rapid-fire as a social media feed, but you do need that same mix of positive and negative spikes to earn their attention long enough to build actual rapport and connection.

If you want the exact actionable steps for creating those spikes, I’ve got a detailed post on flirting and hooking girls after a cold approach in India that you can check out.

And here’s the part people miss: the teasing, flirting, storytelling, all of it, isn’t the goal. Those are just the tools. The real goal is building something real, a connection that outlasts the high of an exciting conversation. Because that high always fades.

Why the spark dies the moment she walks away

There are broadly two reasons why this happens:

Reason one

Here’s the thing about these emotional spikes, positive or negative: they’re not special. They’re just chemicals. Dopamine, adrenaline, cortisol, or whatever cocktail your brain cooks up in the moment. And like any chemically driven emotion, they don’t last. They spike, then fade.

Think about the last genuinely great movie you watched. Walking out of the theater, you’re still buzzing, heart racing from the action scene, maybe a little choked up from the sad part. But that feeling doesn’t survive contact with your actual life. Within a few hours, maybe a day, you’re back to baseline, left with a vague “yeah, that movie was good” instead of the actual intensity you felt in the moment.

Attraction works the same way. All that teasing, flirting, storytelling, and the positive-negative spike combo works.

She’s laughing, clearly into it, maybe flirting back. And because you can feel that reaction landing in real time, it’s tempting to think “this is it, this is what gets her to meet me.” So you double because it’s clearly “working.”

But… what works right now and what works later are two different things. The second she walks away, that spike starts to fade, and she starts getting distracted by the rest of her actual life.

Work in the morning. A manager she can’t stand. A situationship she hasn’t figured out. Family stuff. A group chat blowing up. An ex she hasn’t fully deleted from her head. All of that is competing for the same mental space that, an hour ago, belonged to the fun feeling you gave her.

This is why she can have an amazing time talking to you and still ghost you two days later. It’s not that she didn’t feel anything. She did. It’s that what she felt wasn’t strong or lasting enough to survive her going back to normal life and give her a reason to prioritize meeting you over everything else pulling at her attention.

Reason two

If you’re constantly teasing, flirting, and cracking jokes to keep her stimulated, you’re performing for her like she’s an audience you need to win over. And that’s a problem in itself.

You make a joke, she laughs. You tease her, and she blushes. It’s working, so you do more of it. But every time, you’re the one putting in effort, hoping she’s impressed enough to react, while she’s sitting back, judging whether you passed.

Even if this gets her laughing and blushing, it doesn’t mean she finds you attractive as a person. It means she found whatever you’re saying or doing entertaining.

If you have to keep the banter going just to hold her attention, you’re signaling you can’t just be normal around her. Needing to perform for someone’s attention isn’t attractive. It’s needy and try-hard.

You can have her laughing all night and still just be the clown who gave her a fun twenty minutes, not a guy she’d rearrange her schedule to go meet.

To be clear, teasing, flirting, and banter aren’t bad. They’re useful tools, and you should get good at them. But they’re tools, not the goal.

Making her giggle or blush is just a way to get her to open for what actually matters: getting to know each other on a deeper level and building a real connection because that’s what will survive even after the emotions fade.

What actually gets her to meet you

Humans are meaning-making machines. We don’t experience reality objectively. We experience it through a subjective lens shaped by our beliefs and past experiences, and we build a story around it. A fact is just a fact until you ask “what does this mean for me?” and the moment you do, you’ve attached a story to it.

This lens is also called a frame, and learning to control frames is one of the highest-leverage skills you can build with women. I wrote a whole post breaking it down, check it out here.

Take the idea of a soulmate. People in happy relationships often say their partner is their soulmate, like there’s some cosmic significance to it. Strip that away, and it’s just two people who happened to be in the same city, same job, and same social circle and turned out compatible.

The funny part is when people break up and say the exact same thing about their next partner. It’s not that they are lying. It’s just that the story they tell themselves is more powerful than the facts underneath it. And unlike emotions, which fade fast, stories stick around, especially the ones tied to identity.

So the goal isn’t to just create attraction. It’s to create a story about you and her that outlasts the emotions. Attraction and emotional spikes are just tools to get her open enough to start building that story in the first place.

But not every story works in your favor. If the story she’s telling herself is “this guy is needy and trying to manipulate me into sleeping with him,” she wants no part of it. So what does a good story actually look like?

There are three broad versions.

Version one: he saw me, wanted me, and chased me until I decided he’d earned it. Here, you’re already sold on her. She’s deciding if she wants you, and you’re doing all the work hoping she rewards you eventually. This is the default most guys fall into, and it’s a bad position. All the power sits with her. She’s the judge, and you’re the guy on stage hoping for approval.

I broke down exactly why this happens (and how to flip it) in a separate post. Read it here.

Version two: mutual interest from the start. Both people flirting, both putting in effort, nobody fully sold yet but both leaning in. Better dynamic than the first, it’s actually two-way. She’s not just tolerating you. She’s participating.

Version three (and the one I like best): he wasn’t fully sold on me at first, but the more he got to know me, the more I won him over. Here, she sees you as the prize, someone she’s not sure she can have, not someone she can get easily whenever she wants. This flips the entire dynamic. You’re the one evaluating her, and she’s the one putting in effort to meet your standard.

This doesn’t mean you stop being nice or putting in effort. Effort should go both ways in a healthy relationship. It just means you don’t default into performer mode. See yourself as the prize, and be selective about who you give your time and validation to, and that scarcity is exactly what will make her want to work for it.

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How to actually build that story (without making it obvious)

Short answer: backward rationalization.

We like to think we decide something is valuable before we invest in it. It’s usually the opposite. We invest first, then convince ourselves it was worth it. Think about the last time you overpaid for something and spent the next week telling everyone how amazing it is. You didn’t love it because it was great. You convinced yourself it was great because you’d already spent the money.

Dating works the same way (to a large extent). Get her to invest, answer your questions, qualify herself to you, and work for your approval, and her brain starts telling her you must be worth it. Otherwise, why is she trying so hard? You’re not doing this by explicitly asking her to prove herself. That doesn’t work. It’s more subtle than that.

Here’s how you build that investment.

1. Ask meaningful questions: Skip the “what do you do” or “where are you from” stuff. Ask things that make her pause and actually dig into her own head.

• “What do you like and dislike about your job?”

• “If you never had to work for money again, what would you do with your life?”

• “What’s the last adventurous thing you’ve done?”

Disclaimer: Don’t stack up these questions in the initial phase of a cold approach (the first 1-2 minutes), or you’ll end up in the interview mode, which is a great way to lose her interest.

2. Qualify and disqualify her: Compliment specific things you genuinely like about her: her personality, her stories, the way she talks. Then tease her or point out reasons she might not be a good match for you. Your compliments mean nothing if that’s all you do. They carry weight the second she sees you’re also willing to disapprove.

Read my in-depth post on how to qualify girls to learn more.

3. Drop “we” statements without her objecting: Casually drop in “we,” “us,” “you and me” statements to imply romantic subtext without ever calling it out.

Something like:

• “You’re so clumsy, promise me you won’t embarrass me on our first date”

• “You’re pretty interesting, we might get along.”

Every time she doesn’t push back, she’s investing, even if it’s small.

A higher-level version of this is to playfully accuse her of chasing you. For instance, you say “stop hitting on me,” and let her not deny it. Now she’s not just accepting the romantic frame. She’s also accepting that she’s the one pursuing you.

4. Rack up shared time and experiences: Sometimes you don’t need to do anything clever at all. The more time she spends with you, the more places you go together, the more her brain registers it as investment and rationalizes it into meaning. In a cold approach, that means turning a 5-10 minute conversation into 30-45 minutes over a quick coffee if you can.

That moves you from “the guy who made her laugh” to “the guy I actually spent my time with, went somewhere with, and had a real experience with.” That’s worth more than any amount of attraction you could generate.

Why this isn’t the same as flirting harder

You stop measuring whether an interaction went well by how many times you made her laugh or how many flirty lines landed. Those superficial wins stop meaning everything to you. That doesn’t mean you stop teasing her or flirting. You still need that to get her attention in the first place.

But it stops being the point.

You start tracking what actually matters: did you plant the things that grow into a powerful story in her head later? Did you do the things she’ll backward-rationalize into “he’s the prize and I want him”? Was she implicitly or explicitly chasing you? Was she investing even when she didn’t have to? Did she come back for your attention when you pulled it away?

Those are what actually get her out on a date.

So next time you’re out approaching, pick one of the four ways I mentioned and implement the simplest version of it.

Just tell yourself that today I’ll ask at least two meaningful questions to every girl I talk to. Or I’ll say out loud two things I like about her personality, and one thing I genuinely don’t. Or I’ll try to physically move her, even just a quick two-minute walk, 100 meters from where you approached her, or an actual instant date right then and there.

Add one thing at a time. That way you actually have the mental bandwidth to implement it and track how it’s changing your results.

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Remember that one kid in class who was impossible to roast? Someone would try to clown him, and he’d either own it and make it a flex, or flip it back on them somehow. Either way, he always came out on top.

Turns out that’s not just some random gift certain people are born with. It’s a skill. And it’s genuinely one of the most useful skills you can learn, not just for sales or dating, but for life in general.

It makes you persuasive, charismatic, and attractive. It’s the ability to take whatever someone says to you and flip the meaning of it in your favor. And it’s one of the highest ROI skills you can learn to get better rizz or game.

Let’s get into it.

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What is a frame?

A frame is the lens through which you interpret facts and real-life events.

A fact is just a fact. But the second you ask, “What does this mean for me?,” you’ve attached a story to it, and that story comes with hidden implications and assumptions you don’t even notice you’re accepting.

Let me walk you through an example:

A girl once told me, “You’re too short for me.”

My height is 5’6, and that’s just a fact. Nothing inherently good or bad about it.

But “you’re too short for me” takes that fact and attaches a meaning: my height disqualifies me as a dating option.

And that comes loaded with implications:

• Being short is bad or unattractive

• I have to meet certain standards for her to take me seriously

• She’s evaluating me, and I need to prove myself (though sometimes this just means she’s not interested, period)

Now, if I respond in a way that reinforces these implications, I’m accepting her frame, her interpretation of reality.

For example, if I say “but I have a good personality,” I’m essentially agreeing to everything above. There’s nothing inherently wrong with accepting someone’s frame. It only becomes a problem when the frame isn’t favorable to you.

In this case, accepting it puts me at a disadvantage, because I’d be accepting that I’m not good enough for her.

But if instead I say, “I didn’t know you were walking around measuring people’s height in your head” or “Are you recruiting NBA players or something?,” I’m reframing the situation, changing what it means.

What are the implications now?

• She cares too much about height (first example)

• Her preference for height is shallow (first example)

• Height doesn’t matter that much in dating (second example)

• I don’t need to prove or qualify myself to her (both examples)

That’s one way to frame control. There are a bunch of others, and we’ll get into those. But before any of that, I want to discuss another really important concept that I often see missing from others’ version of frame control.

What is meta-frame?

Most people define a “frame” as the lens through which someone interprets a fact or event and creates meaning from it.

A meta-frame goes a level deeper than that: realizing the other person is trying to establish their frame, and you don’t have to participate in it at all. Once you get this, it doesn’t matter what frame they throw at you. You can override it entirely just by refusing to engage in the frame battle, which, ironically, makes them look like the one trying too hard.

In other words, a meta-frame is your ability to stay composed and unreactive, to not let anything, anyone, or any statement shift your behavior or emotional state or your vibe, colloquially speaking. That’s the strongest frame there is. It overrides whatever bullshit is happening on the surface.

Here’s what usually happens: when people get hit with a statement that feels like a dig at them, their knee-jerk reaction is to get defensive, prove themselves, or prove the other person wrong.

But before any of that shows up externally, something else happens first: a negative spike in their emotions. That spike is what causes the reactivity. The defensiveness you see is just a symptom of it.

If you train yourself to not get affected by what someone says, that composure shows up naturally in your words, eye contact, tone, and body language.

Here’s why this matters: even if you use every frame control method I’ll cover later and execute them correctly, you can still lose the frame if you’re doing it from a place of reactivity. The mere fact that you feel the need to use a technique signals that you care more. And the person who cares less almost always holds the stronger frame, regardless of what’s happening on the surface.

Part of why this works comes down to backwards rationalizing.

What kind of person doesn’t feel threatened by what someone else says? Probably someone secure in themselves, with real accomplishments, so they don’t need to prove anything, have higher status, and are more confident, right?

So when you don’t react, people’s brains work backward from that and assume your lack of reaction MUST MEAN you’re secure, high-status, and successful.

So holding frame really comes down to being emotionally unaffected.

If you’re unaffected, your actual words matter far less. You could say “okay” to anything and still win the frame battle, purely because you care less.

At the start, you might actually care what others say, especially if you’re sensitive to rejection or insults.

If that’s you, fake it till you make it. Even if you’re triggered internally, practice not letting it show on your face or body language. Over time, you’ll build the actual muscle to not care.

That said, meta-frame isn’t necessarily better than normal frame control techniques, or vice versa. It’s best to combine both, because even if you’re emotionally unreactive, you can still verbally accept a frame that works against you.

Not caring doesn’t mean being aloof or silent. Sometimes you’re unaffected but still choose to respond in a way that puts someone in their place or, in dating, keeps you out of a bad position (the height example above).

This brings me to…

How to flip any frame in your favor

Frame control is ultimately about controlling the meaning of events, not the events themselves.

The first step is learning how to identify different frames along with the implicit assumptions and implications baked into them. This takes practice.

To build the muscle, ask yourself throughout the day, in regular conversations: what are the underlying assumptions or implications behind this statement or question?

The next step is using the techniques below to control the underlying frame in your favor and shift the meaning of events in your favor.

But keep this in mind: these techniques hit hardest when you’re genuinely, deeply unaffected. If you’re actually emotionally affected by what someone’s saying or implying, these techniques might still work, but sometimes they can see through it. So build a thick skin. Learn to not take most things personally, and stay unaffected by other people’s opinions, approval, or lack of it.

1. Premise rejection

Challenge or reject the hidden assumption inside the statement, not the statement itself, straightforwardly. This forces the other person to retreat or explain themselves instead of you being the one stuck defending yourself.

Example:

• They: “Why are you so quiet?” (implication: being quiet is a bad thing)

• You: “Why not?” (forcing them to explain why being quiet is bad)

Or:

• You: “Is that a bad thing?”

Or:

• You: “I’m just mindful about how I spend my energy” (reframing it as “this conversation isn’t worth my energy”).

This one’s fairly direct, and it works best when someone’s being a little insulting or passive-aggressive.

It’s not always the best move during flirty, playful banter though, because rejecting the premise this directly wins you the frame but kills the sexual tension in the process.

So read the room. Figure out if the person is actually being insulting or passive-aggressive or if they’re just doing friendly, challenging banter with you. If it’s the latter, the other techniques below will serve you better.

2. Disarm with Humor

Use wit or playful humor to collapse a serious frame. It’s hard to hold a power frame when everyone’s laughing.

Donald Trump is one of the best examples of this. Whenever he gets accused of something serious, he refuses to take it seriously and turns it into a joke instead. Terrible trait in a president, but as a frame control technique, it’s incredibly effective, because it pulls everyone’s attention away from the serious accusation and onto the joke instead.

• They: “You seem arrogant.”

• You: “Only on Tuesdays.”

Or:

• You: “I plead guilty.”

Or:

• You: “Arrogant? I’m the most humble guy I’ve ever met.”

3. Agree and exaggerate

Agree with the frame, but exaggerate it so dramatically that it becomes absurd, which strips it of its power.

What does this signal?

That you’re not bothered by what they’re saying. You’re so unbothered that you’re willing to agree with it AND exaggerate it yourself, signaling you don’t take the accusation seriously at all, and that collapses their attempt to establish the frame in the first place.

It’s the same move Eminem pulls in the final battle rap scene of 8 Mile: he owns every insult and exposes all his own embarrassing details before his opponent gets the chance to, leaving the opponent with nothing left to attack, because Eminem’s already shown he’s completely comfortable with it.

• She: “You’re such a fuckboy.”

• You: “Absolutely. I have a CRM and shit.”

Or:

• She: “I bet you say this to every girl.”

• You: “You’re right. You’re actually the 69th girl I’ve said this to today.”

Or:

• She: “You’re so cringe.”

• You: “Thanks. I practice every day in front of a mirror to be more cringe. Glad you noticed.”

4. Flip the frame

Turn the frame back onto the other person, so now THEY’RE the one who has to defend the hidden assumptions and implications, not you.

• She: “You seem really nervous.”

• You: “You seem oddly attentive to me.”

Instead of addressing whether or not you’re actually nervous, you put it back on them, implying they’re the one being unusually attentive and observant of you.

Or:

• She: “Why are you so quiet?”

• You: “Is it turning you on?”

This does two things: it rejects the implication that quietness is bad, AND it reframes it as something positive.

Or:

• She: “You’re not tall enough / old enough / my type, etc.”

• You: “I’m glad you’re already evaluating me as a potential partner, but let’s take it slow.”

Instead of addressing how you’re not their ideal match, you accuse them of being the one who’s been thinking about you in a romantic context.

5. Redefining terms and context

Control what a word or concept means within the conversation, or recontextualize the situation entirely in your favor.

• She: “Don’t you think approaching girls randomly is creepy?”

• You: “No, I don’t think being social and friendly to strangers is creepy.”

Or:

• She: “You’re so desperate.”

• You: “If by desperate you mean going for things you want in life, then sure.”

6. Ignore

Just ignore whatever they say. This can mean literally not acknowledging it at all, or simply not giving it any strong reaction. Done right, and only when you’re genuinely emotionally unaffected (not just pretending to be), this can be one of the most powerful techniques on this list.

Example:

• She: “You’re so cheesy.”

• You: Take a small, one-second pause, and just ignore it “So anyway, where are you from originally?” (The ignoring itself IS your response)

Or:

• You: “Cute.”

Even though you technically responded, the response itself makes no attempt at frame control. You’re just brushing off what they said and calling out the fact that they’re trying too hard by labeling it as cute.

How they stack together

Think of it in layers:

• Meta-frame is the foundation: your emotional state and composure.

• Behavioral frames (outcome independence, body language) sit on top of that.

• Verbal techniques (reframing, flipping, humor) are the tools you reach for when you actually choose to engage.

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How to use frame control in a dating context

The first thing to keep in mind when using frame control in a dating context: don’t treat it like a combat sport you have to win at all costs. If winning a frame battle means the other person has to lose, they might just stop wanting to be in that conversation at all.

Ask yourself what the end goal even is. Whether it’s a date, sleeping with her, or a full relationship, it requires both people on board. And nobody wants to stick around in an interaction where they feel like they lost. If they do, they leave. So even if you technically win the frame battle, you can still lose the girl if you win it in a way that leaves a bad taste in her mouth (no pun intended).

The vibe of the conversation matters more than winning any individual frame. Romantic or sexual interactions are supposed to be playful, non-serious, and fun. What they shouldn’t be is combative, hostile, or win-lose.

It’s not a courtroom argument, and it’s not a battle rap where your job is to DESTROY the other person. The best frame control in dating doesn’t beat people into your frame, it seduces them into it.

Honestly, even the words “control” and “battle” send the wrong message here.

Here are a few more pointers to drive that home.

Preframing

Preframing means proactively setting favorable frames from the start instead of waiting around to reframe a bad one.

You only need frame control when someone else establishes a frame you disagree with. But if you’re the one proactively setting frames that lead toward positive outcomes, whether that’s a date, sex, or a relationship, then you’re in a much better position.

Now THEY’RE the one who have to reframe if they’re not on the same page, instead of you being stuck on defense. So ask yourself: what kind of frame actually leads to positive outcomes?

Frames like “I’m the prize,” “she’s the one chasing me,” “I’m the one evaluating her.” Exactly how and what to say to establish these frames is its own conversation.

Short answer: flirting and qualification.

Long answer: read this post about flirting and this one about getting girls to chase you.

Reframing

We already covered this: when a bad frame gets introduced, reframe it to your advantage. Even if you preframe well from the start, you’ll still run into unfavorable frames sometimes (also called shit tests), and for those moments, you need to know how to reframe. The entire previous section was about exactly that, so go reread it if you need to.

Lose the Battle to Win the War

Sometimes it’s fine not to win the frame battle. It’s fine to not always have the wittiest, most clever comeback ready.

Again, ask yourself what the actual point of talking to her is. It’s to build a vibe where you’re both attracted to and vibing with each other. Keep that as your north star. If winning a frame battle costs you the overall flirty, sexual vibe of the conversation, then maybe it’s fine to let it slide.

Skip the comeback. Skip the “control.”

No single sentence is going to determine the vibe of the whole interaction anyway. It’s the accumulation of tons of small moments, statements, comments, questions, and exchanges that shapes it. So as long as you’re getting most things right 80-90% of the time, it’s completely fine to fuck up or “lose” to her every now and then.

Common frame control mistakes you should avoid

When learning anything new, it’s only natural to make mistakes. Here are the most common ones people make with frame control, so you can skip the trial and error and catch them early.

1. Defending instead of reframing

The most common one. When someone throws out a negative frame, your instinct is to defend yourself against it, but doing that automatically legitimizes their frame.

• They say: “You seem insecure.”

• Wrong: “No I’m not, I’m actually very confident,” followed by a list of your accomplishments.

The second you defend, you’ve already lost. You’re now arguing inside their frame instead of standing above it. And honestly, defending yourself tends to make you look MORE insecure, not less. A genuinely secure person wouldn’t even care whether someone thinks they’re insecure.

2. Over-explaining

A close cousin of defensiveness. When someone challenges you and you respond with a long explanation of your reasoning, what you’re really saying is, “please validate my position.”

I’m personally guilty of this one. My narcissistic tendencies make me love the sound of my own voice (kidding, sort of). I’ll explain the same point from three different angles, which just makes me look unsure of myself or overly affected by what someone said.

Better to keep it short, especially when you can tell the other person said something specifically to make you insecure.

Even when you actually did mess up, it’s usually better to own the mistake straightforwardly and briefly instead of stacking up explanations and excuses.

This isn’t just a frame control thing either. It applies to serious real-life situations too.

For example, if someone says, “Are those your dad’s shoes?” and instead of a long explanation about why they’re not your dad’s shoes or why they look the way they look, a simple “thanks for noticing” does the job just fine.

3. Being butthurt and insulting back

Another cousin of defensiveness and over-explaining. People often confuse the “flip the frame” technique with just insulting someone back. Not the same thing.

Flipping the frame is subtle, and it’s never insulting. If anything you say comes off as an insult, you’re probably not doing it right.

Though it’s a normal part of the learning curve to mix up frame control with combativeness, the sooner you grow out of that stage, the better.

• A girl says: “You’re not my type.”

• You say: “You’re not my type either.”

This just makes you sound butthurt, like what she said actually got to you and you needed to reject her back just to feel validated again, which signals insecurity and confirms you got affected.

A better response: “I’m glad, I was worried you were gonna kidnap me.”

Fun, playful, and it signals her comment genuinely didn’t bother you.

4. Being too obsessed with frame control

While learning about frames, a lot of people go through a phase where they start seeing everything through the lens of frame control and get really rigid about it, convinced they can never lose a frame, that they always need to one-up the other person, that they need a comeback ready for everything or else they’ve “lost.”

It makes you come off antagonistic, tryhard, and stubborn, none of which are enjoyable to be around, especially in a dating context. Everyone goes through this phase, so it’s fine, but get out of it as fast as you can.

You don’t need to win every frame. Save your energy for frame control when it’s genuinely easy to win back, it actually matters (situations with real stakes, like a sales call, a negotiation, or a girl repeatedly giving you unnecessary shit and lumping you into a category that doesn’t serve you), or when winning it back will actively make the vibe of the interaction better (flirty, witty comebacks, or frames where nobody really loses).

How to learn frame control

Knowing the techniques is one thing. Actually building the skill is another. Here’s how to get there.

Build awareness

Get in the habit of spotting and identifying frames in everyday conversations and situations. Just get your brain comfortable with noticing different frames and what implications they carry. You don’t need to actively reframe anything at this stage. Just notice.

Build indifference

Catch yourself right before you fall into that knee-jerk reaction to defend, justify, or over-explain, and practice not doing it.

• Someone says “bro that t-shirt doesn’t look good on you,” just say “okay, noted.”

• Someone says “I’m not giving you my number,” just say “sure.”

• Someone says “you’re late again,” just say “my bad, I’m sorry.”

No explanation. No excuses.

Basically, this is where you practice technique #6, ignoring things, and on a deeper level, you’re breaking the habit of getting emotionally affected and reflexively defending, justifying, or over-explaining yourself every single time.

Build skills

Once you’ve got the first two steps down, pick any one of the other techniques and start actually implementing it in your everyday interactions, or in cold approaches if that’s something you’re doing.

Don’t try to implement all of them at once. That’s a shortcut to learning nothing. Pick one, practice it for a while, get reasonably good at it (doesn’t need to be perfect), then move to the next one.

Forget about it

Ideally, the final stage of learning frame control is forgetting about it entirely, because real life isn’t actually all about frames.

Once this becomes muscle memory, you don’t need to analyze every interaction through this lens anymore, and honestly, staying in that analytical mode too long makes you come off robotic, rigid, and not that fun to be around.

So once you’ve internalized all of it, just forget about it and live your life. When a situation actually calls for these techniques, your brain will do it automatically, because it’s muscle memory at that point. This takes months, sometimes years, and it usually just happens on its own.

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A big part of my in-person coaching is taking guys out to malls, markets, public spaces, or anywhere they can practice approaching and talking to real people.

And every single time, I see the same mistakes. Different guys, different backgrounds, same mistakes. Mistakes that are, at worst, making them come off as creepy and, at best, stopping them from getting better and getting the kind of results they want, whether that’s getting a number, landing a date, or just having an interaction that doesn’t die in the first thirty seconds.

So I figured I’d just put all the most common ones in one place, along with the fix for each.

One thing before you dive in, though: make sure you read till the end, especially the last section. Because if you finish this list and try to fix everything at once, you will get more in your head than you already are and make even more mistakes. The last section explains exactly how to use this list without doing that.

Okay, let’s get into it.

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Mistake #1: Approaching with a value-seeking mindset

Most guys walk up to a girl to take something from her.

They want her to laugh, to seem interested, to validate that the approach was worth it. Every question is basically just a disguised “please give me something.” And girls can feel it immediately.

Think about it like this: why would a stranger want to talk to you? She has zero obligation to. She doesn’t owe you anything. So for an interaction to actually work, you need to be bringing something to the table, not extracting from it.

Here’s a non-dating example that makes this obvious. When I’m out approaching and someone sees me doing it, they’ll sometimes come up to me and immediately hit me with, “Bro, how do you do this? What should I say? What about this situation?” Back-to-back questions, zero rapport, and zero effort to build any kind of vibe first. And my immediate reaction is always, “Why would I spend my time and energy answering you? You’re a complete stranger who just walked up and started taking.” Same thing happens in my DMs constantly.

Or think about a really famous or wealthy person. How many people are sliding into their DMs asking for advice, mentorship, or a favor? Now ask yourself, why would they respond? They have everything they need. You’re offering nothing. You’re just another person with their hand out.

So, the question you should always be asking is, “What can I give first before I take?”

Value can come from a lot of things: your personality, your status, how you carry yourself, etc. But the simplest form of value, the one literally anyone can give for free, is emotional value. Good energy, playful banter, making someone feel something.

I’ll do a separate post on value and how it actually works, but for now just understand this: the moment you walk up needing something (her attention, her number, her approval), you’ve already lost. She can hear the neediness in your tone, see it in your eye contact, and feel it in your pacing.

The fix is simple: go in to give, not get. Don’t expect anything. Not a good response, not even basic engagement. Just focus on bringing good energy and genuine warmth. The second you stop needing a specific outcome, you’ll naturally come across more confident. Because you actually need nothing. You’re just there to give.

Mistake #2: Wrong approach angle

I usually hate getting too nitpicky about small details, but this one’s worth paying attention to because getting it right can dramatically improve how an interaction starts before you’ve even said a word.

There’s no single “correct” way to approach someone. It depends on the context, the situation, where they are, where you are, and what your gut is telling you. But for beginners, there’s one approach angle that’s simple, effective, and works in most situations: the J-curve.

The J-curve

When you’re out approaching, you’ll generally run into three situations:

• She’s walking toward you (face-to-face).

• She’s walking ahead of you (you’re walking behind her)

• She’s standing or sitting somewhere

J-curve is for when someone is walking ahead of you. Instead of approaching them from behind (never do this, more on why in a second), you speed up slightly to get about 2-3 feet ahead of them, then arc back toward them at roughly a 45-degree angle as you turn to face them. The path you take looks like a “J,” hence the name.

For situation 1 (face-to-face), just let her walk past you, then turn around. Now you’re in situation 2 (you’re walking behind her). Simple.

A concern I hear a lot is, “What if she saw me walk past her and then turn around? Won’t that be weird?”

No. And here’s why.

You already know you’re about to approach her, so your brain treats her like she’s the center of attention. But she has no idea you exist yet. She’s processing hundreds of things at once, whether it’s other people, the kids selling flower, the autowalas, the stores, etc. You are not special in her field of vision. She almost certainly didn’t clock you, and even if she did, she’s forgotten about it three seconds later. That’s just how the brain works when you’re out in public.

And even if she did notice, so what? When you approach, just say it: “Hey, I was actually walking the other way, saw you, and had to come back.” Done. You’ve addressed it. There’s nothing weird about seeing someone and deciding to go talk to them. The weirdness only exists in your head.

For situation 3, when she’s standing or sitting, just walk up, keep a reasonable distance (about an arm’s length to two meters), and open normally. Nothing special about it.

What to never do

Never approach from directly behind someone. Don’t call out to them from behind. Don’t keep talking while you’re still behind them and they’re walking forward.

Why? Because our brains are wired to perceive someone coming from behind as a potential threat. She’ll unconsciously start walking faster, you’ll unconsciously follow, and now you look like you’re chasing her. It gets worse the longer it goes on. Avoid this completely.

The whole point of the J-curve is that by the time you’re talking to her, you’re slightly ahead or beside her, which subconsciously reads as you leading the interaction, not chasing it. None of this is stuff she’s consciously analyzing. It’s all automatic.

One more thing: if she’s walking toward you and you want to open from the front, do it from a distance, about 4-5 meters away. Wave, say hi, and get her attention early. If you wait until she’s basically right in front of you and then suddenly speak, you’ll startle her. By the time she’s close, she should have already registered that someone is approaching. Give her brain time to catch up.

For most beginners, just default to the J-curve. It’s the easiest, least weird, most effective angle in most situations.

Mistake #3: The apologetic stop

This might sound like a tiny detail, but how you actually stop someone is one of the most important moments of the entire interaction. It sets the tone for everything that follows.

Most guys stop someone like they’re already expecting to be rejected. The energy is apologetic, almost permission-seeking, like they’re interrupting something important and feel bad about it.

And that comes through in everything: the eye contact, the voice, the body language. You don’t even have to say anything wrong. She can just feel that you don’t really believe you should be there.

And when you communicate that, you get exactly what you’re projecting: a bad response.

So instead of that apologetic energy, you want to come in with conviction. Certainty. Like you have a reason to be there and you know it.

Here’s the mental framework I want you to use:

Imagine someone is walking ahead of you and drops their wallet without noticing. You pick it up. Now you have to stop them and give it back.

In that situation, are you nervous? Are you wondering if she’ll reject you or whether it’s the right time to approach? No. Because you know you have something for her. You’re not asking for permission to approach. If anything, you’re doing her a favor.

So you go after her with purpose. You get in front of her. If she doesn’t notice you at first, you don’t shrink. You get her attention: “Hey, hey, you dropped something.”

That’s the energy I want you to bring to every stop. Not the words, the ENERGY. The certainty that what you’re doing matters and you have every reason to be there.

When you genuinely feel that, it’ll automatically fix your voice, your posture, and your eye contact. You don’t have to consciously manage every little thing. Get the mindset right, and the rest mostly takes care of itself.

Mistake #4: Wrong proximity

Don’t walk up to her like you’re about to headbutt her.

A lot of guys unconsciously get way too close during the approach. Usually because they’re trying not to draw attention or they’re worried about being overheard by people around.

So they creep in close, almost like they’d whisper in her ear if they could. And while the intention might be to be discreet, the effect is the opposite. It’s uncomfortable, it reads as creepy, and it can straight up startle her.

She’s just been stopped by a stranger. Give her brain a second to process that. If you’re already invading her personal space before she’s even registered what’s happening, her instinct is going to be to panic and back away.

The fix: keep at least an arm’s length of distance. Maybe a little more. And instead of closing that gap, let your voice do the work. Speak loudly and confidently enough that she can hear you clearly from that distance.

More on voice in a second.

Mistake #5: Mirroring her nervous energy

Here’s something most guys don’t realize: when you approach a girl, she’s nervous too.

She might go blank, not know what to say, or feel her heart rate spike, the same fight-or-flight response you’re dealing with. And when that kicks in, it shows. She might get jittery, shift her weight constantly, or slowly start turning her body away from you like she’s about to leave.

Here’s the trap: if you let her energy dictate the interaction, you’ll start mirroring it without even noticing. Now you’re both nervous, both awkward, both jittery. Not exactly the vibe you’re going for.

Emotions are contagious. You already know this. If you’re in a bad mood and you hang out with people who are having a great time, one of two things happens: either their energy pulls you up, or your energy drags them down. Same thing happens during an approach. Someone has to set the tone. That someone needs to be YOU.

So when she’s moving around, fidgeting, slowly edging away, you don’t move. Plant your feet. Literally imagine roots growing from the soles of your shoes into the ground. You’re not going anywhere. That stillness and calm will slowly bleed into her, and she’ll start to settle down too.

A few specific things to watch out for:

• Don’t follow her: If she’s slowly backing away or turning her body, do not physically follow her. Sometimes, guys do it without realizing it, but her brain will register it as being followed, and that’s when you go from “slightly awkward guy” to “potential threat.” Stay put.

• Don’t move too much in general: No constant shifting, no fidgeting, no nervous energy in your body. Be calm. Take a breath. Be the rock in the interaction.

• Sort out your hands: A lot of guys default to T-rex hands: arms half-raised, hands floating weirdly near their chest. If you don’t know what to do with your hands, just put them in your pockets or fold them. Either is completely fine as long as your eye contact and expression are solid.

The whole point is this: you’re not a subject of the interaction. You’re the one running it. Set the rhythm. Set the tone.

Mistake #6: Forgetting to smile

No matter how many times I tell guys to smile, the moment they actually approach, the face goes blank. Not relaxed-blank. More like “I think I just shat myself” blank.

They know they should be smiling. They want to smile. But the second they’re actually in it (stopping a real girl, about to say real words), the adrenaline takes over and the smile disappears. What’s left is this awkward, stiff half-expression that reads as uncomfortable at best and creepy at worst.

A genuine, warm smile is one of the simplest things you can do to make an approach feel welcoming instead of threatening. Remember what we talked about with mirroring. That applies to smiling too. When you go in with a warm, genuine, even slightly flirty smile, they almost always respond with the same energy automatically.

So you have to actively remind yourself, even during those few steps as you’re walking up to her, to keep that smile on your face. Repeat it in your head if you have to. It sounds ridiculous, but it works.

Mistake #7: Weak voice

Your voice has three things worth working on: projection, tonality, and cadence.

Instead of getting into the technical details of each, let me give you two mental images that’ll make this click faster.

Picture a drug dealer trying to sell someone on the street. Low voice, looking around, trying not to draw attention. Staying under the radar. That’s the energy most guys approach with, and it immediately signals that you don’t believe you should be there.

Now picture a police officer. When a cop says, “HEY, STOP,” you stop. You don’t question it. The words carry weight, authority, and certainty.

That’s what you’re going for. Not literally speaking like a police officer or overly aggressive and loud for the sake of it, but just CERTAIN. Like everything coming out of your mouth is a statement of fact. Gravity exists. The earth is round. You saw her and wanted to say hi.

The keywords to keep in mind: authoritative, commanding, certain.

Now add cadence to that. Cadence is basically the rhythm in your voice. The difference between speaking in a flat, monotone line versus giving your words some life. “I was just walking around” versus “I was just... waaalking around.”

Rhythm makes people want to keep listening.

And then there are pauses. Genuinely underrated. A well-placed pause makes people lean in and pay attention. It also makes what you just said land harder. And it signals that you’re not nervous. Nervous people rush to fill silence.

The best way to build all of this is to practice it outside of approaches. Every conversation at a shop, with a colleague, bargaining with an autowala, etc., is a rep.

Work on one thing at a time. Tonality one week, cadence the next, and pauses after that. Slowly it becomes muscle memory, so when you’re actually in an approach, you’re not thinking about it.

But if it’s not muscle memory yet, do what I said earlier. Remind yourself before you walk up. Repeat it in your head: authoritative, commanding, certain. Same way you remind yourself to smile. Get it into your head before your mouth opens.

Mistake #8: Talking to her like a stranger

Here’s the irony: She IS a stranger, so talking to her like one seems logical. Don’t cross boundaries, don’t be too forward, don’t be too expressive, and stay polite and safe. Makes sense, right?

The problem is that stranger-to-stranger energy produces exactly one thing: boring small talk that goes nowhere.

Instead, try this: mentally pretend she’s an old friend you’re running into after a long time. That’s it. Just hold that frame in your head and talk to her accordingly.

What that looks like in practice is you’re relaxed, you’re cracking jokes, you’re taking roasting her a little, you’re expressing yourself without tiptoeing around everything.

You assume familiarity. You act like you already know each other. And here’s the thing, people tend to match your energy. Treat her like a stranger and she’ll act like one. Treat her like a friend and she’ll start acting like one too.

Now to be clear, the goal is to create a FRIENDLY VIBE, not friend-zone yourself.

A lot of guys think playing it safe is better than risking rejection. It’s not. A rejection at least gives you information on what you can improve. Safe small talk gives you nothing. You’re just burning time while deluding yourself that the interaction is going somewhere.

So assume familiarity from the start. Express yourself. If she genuinely has an issue with your vibe, she’ll let you know, and you can adjust. But don’t walk on eggshells waiting for a problem that probably isn’t coming.

Mistake #9: Being passive and not taking the lead

Some guys approach, stop the girl, and then just... wait. Physically there, mentally hovering at the edge, hoping the conversation will somehow build itself. Hoping she’ll help carry it. Hoping something will make it less awkward.

It won’t.

Every cold approach needs an initial push. You have to be willing to pedal through the awkward part until the conversation picks up its own momentum and starts flowing naturally. Think of it like riding a bike. The first few pedals are heavy. But keep going, and it gets lighter. Eventually, you barely have to try. The momentum carries you.

That point where it clicks and the conversation takes off on its own is called the hook point.

And here’s the thing: she’s probably waiting for that point too. She might actually want to talk to you, might even find you attractive, but she’s nervous and doesn’t know what you’re about yet. So she holds back. When both people hold back, nothing happens. Or worse, thirty seconds of painful small talk before it dies completely.

The fix: stop waiting and decide to lead. Push through the initial friction until you hit the hook point. I’ve written a separate guide on exactly how to get there (what to say, what to do, how to break that early awkwardness), so check that out for the practical stuff.

What to do with all of this?

Don’t try to fix everything at once. You’ll fail.

The moment you actually walk up to a girl and open your mouth, your body goes into fight-or-flight. Adrenaline kicks in and everything you thought you knew just... leaves. You blank out and default to whatever your nervous system does under pressure. For most guys that’s stuttering, dry throat, heart racing, shaky hands — the whole thing.

So the list above is not a checklist to run through in one go.

Pick one or two things at a time and focus only on those. And when you’re choosing, try to pair a mindset point with a practical one.

For example, approaching with the intent to give value + working on your voice. Or assuming familiarity + nailing your approach angle. Two things that reinforce each other.

Use them as a redirect. When your brain starts spiraling into everything that could go wrong, pull it back to those one or two things. It’s the same way meditation works. Your mind wanders, you notice, and you bring it back. You don’t judge yourself. Otherwise, you’ll be back to a wandering mind. You just refocus.

And underneath all of this, the most important thing is still just getting comfortable with approaching in the first place so that your brain stops freaking out during the interaction.

So, the more you approach, the more comfortable you get. The more comfortable you get, the more your brain actually works in the moment. And the more your brain works, the more of this stuff you can actually use.

So, go out and do so many approaches that you desensitize yourself to anxiety and nervousness.

One of the best ways to do this is to flip the goal. Don’t go out trying to get numbers, dates, or good interactions. Go out trying to get rejected. Give yourself a target, something like 100 rejections in a month. It sounds extreme, but it’s way more doable than it sounds, and it completely kills the pressure to perform.

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Best of luck and drop your questions, doubts, or opinions in the comments.

Most guys think money is what makes you attractive to women. That girls like rich men, expensive dates, lavish gifts, exotic trips, the whole package.

And honestly, it makes sense why you’d think that.

You’ve got fake gold digger prank videos, red pill podcast bros screaming about how becoming the top 1% is the key to getting girls, Bollywood and mainstream media constantly showing women falling for the rich guy or the one with the sarkari naukri, and maybe even a few personal experiences that seemed to confirm it.

Put all of that together and the logical conclusion is: money = attraction. But that conclusion is incomplete.

Money does matter. It’s important. But probably not for the reasons you think.

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What women are actually attracted to

Women aren’t sitting there with a spreadsheet in their head, adding up your salary, assets, and net worth before deciding if they’re attracted to you. That’s not how attraction works.

You don’t look at a woman with a great body and think, “hmm, her hip-to-waist ratio checks out, I shall now feel attracted.” You just see her and feel it. It’s automatic. Not a choice.

It’s the exact same for women.

They don’t rationally choose to feel attraction either. It just happens. The main difference is this:

Men are primarily attracted to visual stuff, like pretty face, body shape, hip-to-waist ratio, etc. Women are primarily attracted to behavioral traits, like confidence, assertiveness, self-assuredness, leadership, the way you carry yourself.

I say “primarily” because it’s not black and white. Men also care about personality, and women do care about looks and height. But these are the dominant factors for each.

Read this to learn more about how attraction works.

This is exactly why not every rich guy is successful with women. If money itself was the main attraction trigger, every wealthy dude would be killing it in dating. But that’s clearly not true. Plenty of them struggle just as much as everyone else.

On the flip side, you’ve definitely seen guys with very little money who do really well with women. They’re not taking anyone on fancy dates or buying expensive gifts but are still pulling girls.

Why SOME rich guys get girls

Here’s what’s actually happening with the rich guys who DO succeed with women.

To make a lot of money, you generally have to get really good at something, whether it’s trading, building a business, mastering a craft or skill, whatever it is. And that process requires skill, discipline, and persistence. When you’ve genuinely built something, when you’ve pushed through hard phases and come out the other side, a natural byproduct develops: confidence.

That confidence is what women are actually responding to. Not the number in your bank account. The bank account is just external evidence of an internal state.

So when someone looks from the outside and says “girls like rich guys,” what they’re really seeing is: girls like confident guys, and some of those guys also happen to be rich. The money and the attraction are both downstream of the kind of person you’ve become.

(Exceptions exist, obviously.)

This is actually liberating, because it means you don’t need to be rich to become that person.

Confidence, purpose, self-assurance. These can all be built without a large bank balance. You can develop the traits that make you attractive completely independently of your income. Attraction doesn’t have a price tag.

So does money not matter at all then?

Not quite.

Does money matter? Yes.

Here’s the nuance: money is a necessary but not sufficient condition for a successful dating life.

Let me unpack that.

“Not sufficient” means money alone won’t make you attractive. If the only reason a girl is spending time with you is because you’re paying for everything, she’s attracted to your wallet, not you. That’s a completely different thing.

“Necessary” means not having enough money can actively work against you. Not by making you unattractive, but by creating practical obstacles that stop you from getting into situations where attraction can even happen.

Think about it. For attraction to happen, you have to actually be somewhere. You have to be in an environment where you can meet people, talk to them, let your personality come through.

What if you can’t get there?

Say there’s a party with a ₹1,000 entry fee and you genuinely can’t afford it. You don’t get in. You never meet anyone inside. Your personality, your humor, your confidence, none of it gets a chance to show up, because you’re not in the room.

Or you want to ask someone out for coffee but you’re so financially stretched that even that feels like too much. Or you haven’t been able to invest in clothes that fit well, basic grooming, the small things that signal you take care of yourself. These things cost money. Not a lot, but some.

The problem isn’t that women are rejecting you because of your income. The problem is that a lack of money removes you from the game before you even get a chance to play.

Think of money as a baseline requirement. Below that line, it actively works against your dating life. Not because of attraction, but because of access and logistics. You miss out on experiences, environments, and opportunities.

Once you’re earning enough to clear that baseline, money stops being the main obstacle. You can go out, invest in yourself, show up consistently. From that point, your success depends on who you are, your personality, presence, confidence, and behavior.

Here’s the really important part: earning significantly above that threshold doesn’t proportionally improve your dating results.

Going from ₹1 lakh to ₹10 lakh a month doesn’t mean you’ll go on 10x more dates. To multiply your dating results, you have to multiply your confidence, your social skills, your ability to actually connect with people.

It’s similar to vitamin D and testosterone. If you’re deficient in vitamin D, your testosterone will likely drop below it’s natural range. Fixing the deficiency with Vitamin D supplements can help bring your testosterone levels back to normal. But overdosing on Vitamin D supplements beyond what’s needed won’t give you extra testosterone.

Money works exactly the same way in dating. Being deficient pulls your results below what they could naturally be. Correcting it brings you back to your baseline. And beyond that point, more money adds very little on its own.

(Yeah, extra money can help indirectly, like hiring a dating coach like me to speed up the learning curve but even then, the money isn’t doing the work. You are.)

A lot of guys use “I’m not earning six or seven figures yet” as an excuse to avoid working on their social skills and confidence. But if you’re not so broke that it’s actively messing up your basic social life, you should absolutely be spending time getting better at this stuff.

How do you know if you’re past that threshold?

If you can regularly order from Zomato or Swiggy, buy decent clothes and shoes every now and then, upgrade your phone occasionally, and take a vacation or two a year without fighting just to put food on the table, then you’re almost certainly above the minimum.

Stop waiting. Start working on the actual stuff that moves the needle.

Cold approaching vs. other dating strategies

There are plenty of ways to improve your dating life. Better photos and prompts on dating apps. Going to places where you’re more likely to meet women (hobby classes, clubs, social events). Building status and clout. And a lot more.

If your only goal is to get dates, some of these strategies might give you a better return on your time than learning cold approach from scratch. Worth being honest about that.

But that’s not how I think about cold approach and social skills.

You shouldn’t learn this stuff just to get girls, even though it’s one of the most effective and genuinely fun ways to do it. The benefits go way beyond that.

The best thing cold approach ever gave me wasn’t women. It was everything else that came with it. Getting over social anxiety. Losing the fear of rejection. Building real confidence.

Read this to learn how to do a proper cold appproach.

And the skills you pick up along the way compound into every other area of your life:

• Mental resilience: This one is invaluable. Getting rejected repeatedly and still showing up builds a kind of mental toughness that’s hard to get any other way. Little setbacks stop affecting you and large catastrophes don’t break you anymore.

• Luck surface: This one’s underrated. The more people you talk to, the more random opportunities show up, whether it’s job leads, introductions, ideas, or collaborations. Being successful is about luck. But if you show up everyday and everywhere, you’ll never miss a lucky day.

• Career: Networking, interviews, building professional relationships. Every job, every opportunity, every raise involves selling yourself to someone.

• Negotiations: You get better at reading people, staying calm under pressure, and getting things on your terms.

• Friendships: Obvious one. Making friends as an adult is awkward for most people. Social skills fix that.

• Storytelling and charisma: You learn how to hold attention, be interesting, and actually start and move conversations forward instead of being invisible wherever you go.

• Leadership presence: You get more comfortable taking initiative, leading interactions, and making decisions without waiting for someone to tell you it’s okay.

And even if none of that appeals to you, even if you’re completely uninterested in all those benefits, here’s the thing:

Any other strategy you use, dating apps, status, whatever, only solves the “access” problem. It helps you find and meet girls.

But the moment you’re actually with her, in person, your social skills, your ability to flirt, lead, hold tension, be confident, all of that still matters. You’ll have to learn that part eventually no matter what path you take.

So the real question is: would you rather build those skills now, when you have nothing external to lean on, so you know the attraction is real? Or later, when you’re successful, and you’re left wondering whether she actually likes you or just what you bring to the table?

I have a free WhatsApp group of close to 200 Indian guys, all working on their social skills, dating, and becoming better. Link below.

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A girl I was recently with told me about a particular cold approach incident. The guy opened with “Hey, you look really good today” (not the best opener but workable). Then he followed it up with “I wanted to make your day.”

That’s when she instantly got the ick.

But why?

Because most guys fundamentally misunderstand what flirting actually is.

They think flirting = complimenting her + making her feel special + putting her on a pedestal.

And honestly, I don’t blame them. That’s exactly what movies and dating advice have been selling forever. So they end up confusing simping and flattering a girl with flirting. You’re just kissing her ass, which a dozen other guys are already doing. You’re not standing out. You’re blending in.

Then there’s a slightly more evolved version of this: guys who know you can’t just be complimenting her the whole time, so they throw in some playful teasing and banter. Mock her a little. Challenge her.

That’s way better. It makes the conversation fun and engaging. But it’s still not flirting.

See, banter and teasing can make her think you’re the cool, funny guy. But it won’t necessarily make her think of you as a sexual option. For some girls who are already into you, that might be enough. For most, especially ones who are still on the fence, you’ll just end up in the “Oh, he’s hilarious, we should hang out” zone.

Flirting is what takes you from the funny friend to the guy she’s actually thinking of fucking.

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So, what is flirting?

Flirting is when you start framing the interaction as something meaningful between the two of you.

Think about it this way:

Banter = commenting on her or the situation, with no romantic or sexual angle

Flirting = commenting on the dynamic between you two, with a subtext of romantic or sexual interest

Subtext just means what’s implied but not directly said. You’re not spelling it out or making it super obvious, but the meaning is clearly there under the surface.

Here’s what that looks like in practice:

Let me give you a shorthand for flirting. Notice how in every flirting example, there’s an “us” or “we” angle? That’s the shift.

And sometimes that “us” frame doesn’t even need to be stated. If I say “stop looking at me like that,” I’m technically just talking to her, but it’s still flirting because I’m not saying “stop looking at everyone like that.” There’s an implicit “us” in it. I’m making the moment about us.

I know this is getting a little nerdy. But this is actually the important part because flirting isn’t a formula you memorize. It’s an attitude. A muscle. Something you should be able to switch on instinctively, which brings me to the next part.

Flirting is incomplete without these two…

One of the biggest mistakes guys make is learning certain lines or flirting formats, then delivering them in the most flat, robotic way possible. Eyes darting everywhere except hers, voice low and timid, energy screaming, “I don’t really believe I should be saying this.”

It comes off like a script. And then they conclude, “Well, I did everything right, it just didn’t work. Must be because I’m too [pick your favorite insecurity].”

But it was never about the words or techniques. Here’s what actually makes or breaks a flirt:

Conviction

This one I can’t stress enough.

You can say the most cringe, low-effort flirty line ever but if you deliver it with rock-solid conviction, it’ll land better than the smoothest line said with zero belief behind it.

The moment you say something while looking like you’re bracing for rejection, she feels it. It signals that you don’t think you deserve to be saying that, let alone getting a good reaction.

Conviction is the absence of doubt behind your words.

Subcommunications

Most of flirting happens below the words. The eyes, the tone, the smile, the body language. The stuff only the other person can actually feel.

{iceberg image — tip = words, everything underwater = subcommunications}

Think of what you say as just the tip. The real substance is everything underneath.

So what does that actually look like?

• Eye contact: Hold it a second or two longer than what feels comfortable. Let the tension build. That slight “oh, something’s happening here” feeling in your stomach? That’s the point.

• Smile: Not a big goofy grin. A slow, slightly cheeky smirk — like you’re thinking something you probably shouldn’t be. Let her wonder.

• Tone: Softer, slower, and more intimate than how you’d talk to a friend. Take your time. Use pauses. Build suspense. Don’t just rush through what you want to say like you’re giving a nervous presentation.

And don’t try to hide your intentions. Let them come through your eyes, your smile, and your voice. That’s what makes it feel real instead of rehearsed.

But if you try to memorize all of this and focus on every part separately, you’ll just get more stuck in your head. So try this shortcut instead: while you’re talking to her and holding eye contact, just let your mind imagine the two of you doing something inappropriate. Seriously.

When you do that, you’ll naturally slow down. Your eyes will change. Your smile will change. Your voice will drop slightly. You don’t have to think about any of it.

And understand that humans are emotionally contagious. If you’re anxious and tense, she’ll feel tense. If you’re calm and a little turned on, she’ll feel that too.

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6 field-tested flirting techniques anyone can do

Flirting is more of an attitude than a checklist. It’s a different way of communicating, almost a different language. So breaking it down into “techniques” feels a little reductive.

That said, if you’re just starting out, “flirting is a vibe” is way too vague and not useful at all. You need something concrete. Something you can actually understand, replicate, and practice until it becomes second nature. So here are some of my favorite field-tested formats that anyone can learn.

1. Assumption + implication

Simple idea: you make a playful assumption about her, then add an absurd implication or consequence if that assumption were actually true, framed in a flirty, man-to-woman way.

Example: “You look like a Russian spy.”

On its own, that’s just a fun observation. But now ask yourself: if it’s true, what could that mean for US?

Because remember, the shorthand for flirting is adding the “we” or “us” angle to a simple tease or comment.

So, “You look like a Russian spy” becomes…

“You look like a Russian spy. Promise me you’re not gonna honey trap me and just use me for intel.”

Other versions of this:

• “I bet you listen to Taylor Swift. That’s a bit of a red flag?”

• “Are you from [city]? I have a love-hate thing with people from there.”

The format is: assumption → flirty implication or consequence.

The only way to get good at this is to practice it constantly, not just with women, but with anyone. In normal conversations, keep asking yourself, “What’s a fun assumption I could make about this person, and where could I take it?”

You can even roleplay this with ChatGPT if you want to practice on your own.

2. Future projections and roleplay

This one’s about casually dropping the idea of the two of you together in a situation, doing something, or in some future scenario with a romantic or sexual undertone.

It can be a subtle realistic plan or a completely absurd hypothetical. Doesn’t matter. The point is you’re planting an “us” in her head.

Examples:

• “You’re so clumsy. Promise me you won’t embarrass us on our first date.”

• “How dare you say that? We’re getting divorced.” (said playfully, obviously)

Same advice applies here: practice this in everyday conversations. You don’t have to actually say it to whoever you’re talking to. Just train your brain to spot the opportunities. The more you force yourself to think this way, the more naturally it’ll come out when you need it.

3. Push-pull

The idea is simple: pair something positive with something negative, or vice versa. It creates this push-and-pull dynamic that keeps her slightly off-balance in a fun way. You’re not just flattering her, but you’re not just teasing her either. It’s both at once. It’s like a slot machine. The unpredictability keeps her hooked.

One important thing before the examples: the “negative” part should never actually insult her. Think of it less as criticism and more as playfully pulling her leg. And never tease her about things she can’t change, like her looks, her background, anything like that. That’s just mean, not flirty.

There are three ways to do this:

The straightforward version: literally just positive + negative or negative + positive in the same statement.

• “I really like your earrings, though I’m not sure they go with the rest of the outfit.”

• “I don’t usually talk to girls who dress like you, but you really stood out.”

Dampening a compliment: You say something positive but sneak a subtle negative into how you say it, usually through a single word that implies mild surprise or reluctance.

• “You’re actually pretty smart.” (implying you didn’t expect that)

• “You’re unusually interesting.”

• “You’re almost my type.”

The compliment lands, but it’s got just enough of an edge to make her think wait, what does that mean?

Verbal push, physical pull (or vice versa): This one’s probably the most powerful when done right. You say something negative while physically escalating, or you say something warm while pulling back.

Classic example: saying “I hate you” while pulling her closer by the waist. She knows you don’t mean it. You know she knows. But that contrast between what you’re saying and what you’re doing creates serious tension.

4. Misinterpretations

This one’s my personal favorite.

The concept: whatever she says, you misinterpret it as something positive for you, a compliment, something flirty, or a sexual innuendo. On purpose. Shamelessly.

Examples:

• She says, “I can’t give you my number on the first meet.” → “Oh, so you’re saying we should meet again? Are you asking me out?”

• She says, “I’m usually introverted and don’t really talk to people.” → “So you’re saying I’m special? Thanks, that means a lot.”

• She says, “I don’t know if those shoes go with your pants” → “I know, I’m pretty original, right?”

• She randomly mentions a place she likes → “Is that your way of suggesting we go there sometime?”

She knows that’s not what she meant. You know she knows. She knows that you know that she knows. It’s all a game. BUT it creates exactly the kind of tension and playful energy you’re going for.

You can also take this in a more sexual direction, like those double-meaning jokes we all used to forward on WhatsApp back in the day. Think “that’s what she said” energy.

This technique makes you come across as genuinely witty because it requires you to be quick and present in the conversation. It’s hard at first but gets natural fast with practice.

One of the best people to study for this is Craig Ferguson. His late-night interviews with actresses are a masterclass in misinterpretation and flirty banter. Go watch a few. You’ll immediately see what this looks like when someone does it effortlessly.

5. The anti-flirt

Don’t imagine a pink elephant.

You imagined a pink elephant, didn’t you?

Because your brain can’t actually process a negation without first forming the thought it’s supposed to be negating. In simple words, to “not think” of something, you still have to first think of it. The idea gets in your head either way.

You can use this to your advantage when flirting.

If you actively disqualify or deny any romantic or sexual subtext in a conversation, her brain still has to process that subtext to understand what you’re denying. Which means you’re planting exactly the idea you’re pretending to push away, except now it feels like her thought, not something you put there.

Examples:

• “I don’t think we’ll get along.”

• “I was starting to like you until you said that.”

• “Let’s keep this professional and stop with the flirting.”

• “Please don’t look at me like that, I’m shy.”

None of these explicitly make you seem like you’re trying to establish something romantic or sexual. But all of them make her think about the two of you in that context because you just brought it up while pretending to shut it down.

And there’s a bonus: since you’re the one objecting to it, you’re subtly putting her in the position of having to chase. You’ve flipped the script without her even noticing. Since most girls are not used to this, you instantly stand out and she also enjoys it.

This is one of the most underrated moves in flirting. Learn it early.

6. Steal her objections

Think about all the classic lines girls use when they’re rejecting someone or playing hard to get:

“You’re too young for me.” “I don’t date guys from [city].” “I don’t think we’d get along.” “This isn’t a good idea.”

Now just... use them yourself. First.

Same psychological mechanic as the anti-flirt. By saying the reasons you two shouldn’t be together, you’re actually planting the idea that you two are together. Except now you’re also the one with standards, you’re the one who’s selective, and she’s the one who has to prove you wrong.

Take your flirting to the next level (advanced concepts)

If you’re still getting comfortable with the basics, read this section but don’t stress about applying it yet. Just know where you’re eventually headed. If you’re already decent at flirting, this is what separates good from genuinely magnetic.

Ambiguity

Your flirting shouldn’t make it obvious you’re already sold on her. It should leave her slightly unsure, “Does he actually like me, or is he just messing with me?”

Don’t hand over all your validation at once. Give her just enough to keep her interested while making it clear there’s more she has to earn. The goal is to keep her in that sweet spot of wanting to figure you out.

When you’re learning this, let yourself overdo it. You’ll fumble, you’ll go too far, and that’s fine. That’s how you find the line. Over time you’ll learn to play right in the middle of it.

Set the right frame (like she’s hitting on you)

Every technique covered earlier can be used in two ways: either to flatter and chase her or to flip it so the frame is that she’s the one chasing you.

The second one is obviously more powerful.

Misinterpretations and the anti-flirt are the easiest ways to do this.

If she says, “I gotta go home,” you say, “Why, scared you’ll fall for me if you stick around longer?” She knows you’re joking. But the frame it sets is that she’s into you and you’re the one with leverage.

Same thing with assumption + implication. “You look like a Russian spy who’s going to seduce me into leaking state secrets.”

The subtext: she’s the one doing the seducing. That’s a very different energy than most guys give off, which is exactly why it works. Girls aren’t used to being put in that position. It’s novel, it’s a little thrilling, and it makes you stand out immediately.

She’ll either play along (great, now you’re both in the frame) or push back, which you can handle with basic frame control.

Challenge her

Flirting shouldn’t be easy for her. She shouldn’t just sit there, feel flattered, and say thank you. That’s boring, and boring doesn’t create attraction.

Give her a hard time. Create some friction. Make her work a little, justify herself, impress you, and earn something from you. And when she does, actually acknowledge it. That reward means more when she has to do something to get it.

Think about how girls naturally make guys jump through hoops. Do that. Just don’t be a dick about it. Keep it playful.

How to actually practice flirting

Reading about flirting and being able to do it in the moment are two very different things. Here’s how to close that gap:

1. Practice the techniques on everyone, not just girls: Assumption + implication, future projections, misinterpretations. You can run all of these in normal everyday conversations with friends, colleagues, or anyone. You don’t even have to say it out loud. Just train your brain to constantly spot the opportunities. The more automatic that thinking becomes, the more naturally it’ll come out when it actually counts.

2. Use technology to practice: Roleplay scenarios with ChatGPT and practice responding in real time. Or ask it to throw random platonic sentences at you and practice misinterpreting them on the spot. No stakes, unlimited reps. You can also pull up photos of girls on Pinterest and practice coming up with assumptions, push-pulls, or flirty implications just from how they look or what’s in the photo. Sounds weird, works great.

3. Watch others do it: Study people who are genuinely good at this. Craig Ferguson’s late-night interviews are a masterclass in flirting, Russell Brand is great for subcommunications and frame control, Andrew Schulz does the challenge and push-pull dynamic really well, and Samay Raina is probably one of the best at misinterpretation humor you’ll find. Watch how they time it, deliver it, and hold their frame. More useful than any theory.

4. Allow yourself to overdo it: Go too far, fumble it, make it weird. That’s how you find the lines and the sweet spots. You can’t calibrate without first going out of bounds.

5. Prepare some lines in advance: Especially for frames and future projections. There’s nothing wrong with going in with a few formats ready. Over time they become your own anyway.

Flirting isn’t something you’re born with. It’s a skill, and like any skill, the only thing standing between where you are now and being genuinely good at this is practice.

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In my last post, I explained how the default is always men chase and women choose (and how to flip it).

Two ways to do that: one, display the behaviors and body language of a high-value guy, and her brain fills in the rest automatically (she assumes you must have something going for you, even before she knows what). Read this to learn more about what these behaviors and cues are.

And two, get her to invest in you. Make her answer your questions, qualify herself, and work a little for your approval, and her brain starts convincing her you must be worth it. Because why else would she be trying? This is called backward rationalization.

And the goal of flipping it isn’t just to make her chase you instead of the other way around. It’s also to make her actually take you and the interaction seriously.

Here’s the thing. Most guys who hit on her are doing it purely because she’s attractive and they want to sleep with her. She knows this. She’s experienced it. And she also knows that a lot of guys will fake comfort and connection just to get what they want, only to disappear right after.

So she’s not going off attraction alone. She needs to feel like she’s not making a mistake, and she needs a story that makes the two of you feel like more than just shallow physical attraction. Not love, not anything serious necessarily. Just something that’s not superficial and surface-level.

That’s why attraction alone isn’t enough for a girl to give you her number, go on a date with you, hook up, or get into a relationship. (Read this to learn how to build attraction in the first place).

She also needs two other things: comfort and connection.

Comfort means she doesn’t feel like she’s making a bad decision. That can range from you not being a serial killer or creep to you not ghosting her right after sex.

Connection is a little harder to explain. The best way I can put it: it’s the story she tells herself about the two of you. Whenever we meet someone and have any kind of dynamic with them, our brain builds a little narrative around it. For her to move forward with you, that story needs to be a good one.

The best version of that story in her is SHE earned YOUR attraction. Because as I’ve said before, people value what they’ve put effort into. If she feels like your validation was something she had to earn, it means a lot more than if you just handed it to her for existing.

But how do you actually do that? How do you get her chasing you, or at least make her feel like she earned your interest instead of just getting it for free?

First, do the homework

Start by writing down 5 to 10 qualities you’d actually want in an ideal partner. Not physical qualities. Not “big ass and tits.” Things like personality traits, beliefs, values, quirks, and so on.

This can include things like a good sense of humor, ambition, kindness, someone who values their freedom, and someone who doesn’t give a damn about what society thinks.

And don’t overthink it. You don’t need to get it perfectly right. Just write down what feels right to you right now. Because as you meet more girls and get more experience, a lot of what you think you want today will change anyway. The list is meant to evolve.

Implement it in real life

Now, when you’re actually talking to a girl, keep this list somewhere in the back of your mind. Don’t go through it like a checklist or fire questions at her one by one. That’s an interview at best, an interrogation at worst.

Instead, just have a normal conversation. Keep it fun, flirty, a little playful. And within that, naturally steer things toward topics that’ll reveal who she actually is through the answers she gives, the stories she tells, the way she reacts to your opinions, and what she gets excited about or rolls her eyes at.

Think of it as a covert interview. You’re trying to find out if she has the qualities you’re looking for, but you don’t want her to know she’s being evaluated.

When she does show a quality you like, call it out explicitly. Tell her that you like that part about her. And when she doesn’t meet the bar, let her know that too, but playfully, in a tongue-in-cheek way, like you’re gently giving her a hard time about it.

The second it starts feeling serious or intense, she stops qualifying herself and starts getting defensive. Keep it light. That’s what makes it work.

Techniques (for a lack of a better word)

Here are some actual ways to qualify (or disqualify) a girl in conversation:

1. Just ask her directly: This is the most straightforward one, which also makes it the riskiest because she can just... not bother qualifying herself to you. But it’s the easiest place to start and the best way to build the habit of actually screening girls instead of just trying to impress them.

Examples:

• “What do you actually do for fun? And Netflix doesn’t count.”

• “Are you spontaneous/adventurous?”

2. Tease her and let her qualify herself: You poke fun at something, and she feels the need to prove you wrong. Done right, she’s chasing your approval without even realizing it.

Examples:

• “You seem very corporate. I don’t think we’d vibe. I get along way better with creative people.”

• “You’re definitely the type who plays it safe. Never does anything spontaneous.”

3. State your taste or preference and let her come to you: This is the most powerful one. You’re not asking her anything or teasing her. You’re just sharing what you’re into, what you value, and what you find attractive in a person. And if she has it, she’ll naturally bring it up herself to get your approval without prompting her to.

Examples:

• “I have a lot of respect for people who actually have opinions and aren’t afraid to say them. Most people just agree with whatever the room thinks.” If she’s like that, she’ll tell you.

• “My favorite kind of person to be around is someone who can be goofy and not take themselves too seriously,” and then watch if she tries to show you that side of her.

• “I can’t do boring conversations. Small talk kills me.” She’ll either agree and match that energy or she won’t.

Next steps…

If you’re just starting out, ignore techniques two and three for now. Just focus on directly asking her to qualify herself at least twice per conversation. It won’t be smooth yet, and that’s fine. You’re not trying to have the perfect interaction. You’re trying to rewire the habit of screening instead of impressing. Get that down first, and as you get better, add the rest.

Whenever you walk into a normal shop, notice who’s doing the work. The seller is almost always the one proving themselves: smiling, pitching, justifying why their product is worth your time and money. The buyer just stands there, arms folded, asking questions, deciding yes or no.

The only time that script flips is with ultra-luxury brands like Rolls-Royce or Hermès. There, the buyer has to prove themselves. Fill out an application, get referred, and wait years on a list because the seller controls something extremely scarce and high-value. The buyer wants in so badly they’re willing to jump through hoops.

Look at heterosexual dating and you’ll see the exact same dynamic playing out by default. Most men automatically assume the “seller” role: they approach, entertain, qualify themselves, and try to prove they’re funny enough, successful enough, or attractive enough.

The woman, by default, assumes the “buyer” role: she sits back, evaluates, and decides whether he’s worth her time.

In internet lingo, the man is almost always the one jestermaxxing. If you don’t know what that means, you should keep it that way lol. It just means you’re not chronically online in red pill and looksmaxxing circles.

The script only flips (girls texting first, chasing, qualifying themselves to him) when the guy is high-status. Fame, money, clout.

Important note here, because red pill podcast bros have completely butchered this concept: status is relative, not absolute. You don’t have to be high-status compared to every man on the planet, but high-status compared to other men in your specific environment (your school, your gym, or your office). You don’t have to be in the top 1% of men globally to get this effect. The guitarist every girl on campus knows, or the star athlete in a small college circle, gets the same results in his local “market” as a popular rapper does nationally.

The mechanism behind the buyer/seller dynamic

In any transaction, whether it’s buying a watch or choosing a mate, the person who controls the scarce resource and pays the higher cost for a bad decision becomes the buyer/selector. They have more to lose, so they get to set the terms.

The other person, the one trying to get access to that resource and who pays little to no cost if things go wrong, falls into the seller role. They’re the ones who have to prove themselves.

Back to the shop example. The seller is desperate to pitch because the buyer holds the money (the scarce resource) and carries the real risk of wasting it on a bad product. The seller, meanwhile, can pitch to a hundred people a day. One failed sale costs them basically nothing.

Zoom out to evolutionary biology, and you’ll see the exact same transaction playing out in dating except the “currency” is reproductive success instead of cash.

Women carry a massively higher minimum reproductive cost. Nine months of pregnancy, the physical danger of childbirth, years of nursing and child-rearing if the guy bails and ghosts, and a hard biological clock that starts slamming shut in her 30s.

A bad choice (bad genes, no commitment, low resources) can literally waste her entire reproductive window. And if your genes don’t make it to the next generation, you basically lost the game of evolution.

So evolution wired women to be the default buyer/selector: extremely picky, slow to commit, constantly evaluating. She holds the scarce, high-value resource (her fertility and parental investment), so she gets to stand there with her arms folded while the man proves himself.

Men, by contrast, pay almost nothing per attempt. Sperm is cheap and unlimited (as the countless ones drained into every man’s toilet would confirm lol). One man can theoretically father hundreds of children with zero ongoing physical cost.

So evolution wired men to be the default seller: approach more, tolerate more rejection, and invest more upfront effort in the form of humor, status signals, persistence, etc. The cost of a failed pitch is negligible, so men evolved to pitch to as many buyers as possible.

That’s why the default dynamic feels so lopsided: biology made the woman the one with something precious to protect, and the man the one who has to keep proving he’s worth the investment… unless the script flips.

The flip happens the moment a man becomes the ultra-luxury version of the seller (the Rolls-Royce or Hermès of the dating market). He now controls something extremely scarce and high-value in her eyes: status, social proof, resources, access, you name it.

Suddenly she’s the one proving herself, qualifying, chasing, investing. High-status men, the campus guitar god, the guy with real clout, or even the regular-looking dude with solid game and the willingness to walk away, stop being sellers trying to get chosen. They become the selector. Women start doing the proving because now they’re the ones risking losing access to a rare, high-value mate.

But there’s a loophole.

You don’t actually have to become the ultra-luxury brand to get treated like one, at least not fully.

Hacking social skills

Humans didn’t evolve to evaluate people based on facts and figures. We evolved to make fast decisions based on behavioral and body language cues. Shortcuts.

So if you display the behaviors and body language of a high-status man, it triggers the same subconscious response in her, even if you’re not actually him yet. That’s why phrases like “act like a rockstar and get treated like one” and “fake it till you make it” have so much truth to them.

If you speak loudly and confidently, she subconsciously assumes you must have done something worth being confident about. If you’re willing to walk away, she subconsciously deduces you must have other options. Otherwise why would you walk away instead of chasing?

Her brain fills in the gaps automatically. She’s not doing this consciously. That’s just how we’re wired.

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Backwards rationalization

We like to think we decide something is valuable before we invest in it. But it’s often the other way around. We invest first, then convince ourselves it was worth it.

Think about the last time you overpaid for something (clothes, a gadget, whatever) and then spent the next week telling everyone how amazing it is. You didn’t love it because it was great. You convinced yourself it was great because you already spent the money.

The same thing works in dating. If you can get a girl to invest (answering your questions, qualifying herself to you, working for your approval), her brain starts telling her you must be worth it. Otherwise, why is she trying so hard?

You’re not doing this by explicitly asking her to prove herself. It’s more subtle: asking genuine questions and only complimenting the specific things you actually like, teasing or giving her shit on things you don’t, making “we” statements casually without her objecting to it, and making your validation the scarce resource she’s after rather than the other way around.

This is a much bigger conversation on its own. I can’t compress all of social dynamics and charisma in one or two paragraphs. You can check out this post about attraction to learn more. But the point is, this isn’t about specific techniques or tricks. This is about understanding how attraction and perceived value actually work and using that to your advantage.

Quick disclaimer

Everything I’ve said here is at a population level. Averages and general patterns. Individual exceptions exist everywhere and anyone who tells you otherwise is selling something.

Also, none of this means women are sitting around consciously thinking “hmm, his willingness to walk away statistically signals higher mate value, I shall now feel attracted.”

That’s not how it works. You don’t think “I like sugar because calories were scarce for my ancestors.” You just... like sugar. The evolutionary programming runs in the background invisibly, and the conscious brain just experiences the output, which in this case is attraction, or the lack of it.

Same thing here. She’s not doing the math. She’s just feeling it. And you’re not going to logic your way into attraction by explaining your salary or your potential. You either trigger the subconscious signals or you don’t.

I've written more about the evolutionary side of attraction and how it plays out in modern dating in this post if you’re interested.

Understanding why it works is just so you stop fighting it and start working with it.

The bigger picture

Understanding all of this is the first step out of the simulation most men are stuck in, whether that’s the standard blue pill script (always be a gentleman, get a good career, and the girls will come) or the other extreme of looksmaxxing and statusmaxxing, where men are endlessly competing on looks or clout. That’s a losing game. There will always be someone better looking or higher status than you. Always.

The one thing no one can beat you at is being YOU. So stop playing by rules someone else set and step out of the rat race entirely.

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One of the biggest excuses guys give me for not cold approaching is that most girls are usually with their friends. They think you can only approach when a girl is completely alone.

Even if they don’t use it as a straight-up excuse, a lot of them still get stuck and don’t know how to handle approaching a girl who’s with her friends.

Approaching a girl by herself does feel easier, because if she rejects you or gives you a hard time, it’s just one person. But guys who already struggle to express themselves confidently in front of one girl get even more nervous about doing it in front of a group. They’re scared they’ll look like a fool or won’t know how to handle it if the girls start giving them shit.

So in this post, I’m breaking down everything you need to know so that the next time you see a girl with her friend(s), you don’t use that as a reason to bail.

Side Note: Whenever I say “group of girls” in this post, I mean any situation with more than one girl, whether it’s two, three, or more.

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Understand the mindset first

Before we get into the actual steps, let’s quickly talk about the mindset because if you don’t fix this first, you’ll keep finding excuses to not approach or you’ll just half-ass it.

The worst-case scenario when approaching a group of girls is exactly the same as when approaching one girl: rejection.

When you approach a girl, the worst she can do is say she’s not interested, mention she has a boyfriend, or say she’s in a hurry and walk away. If you’re imagining her making a big scene, relax. You’re more likely to get hit by a meteor than that.

So when you approach a group, the stakes don’t suddenly go up. The worst outcome is still just rejection. I’ve already explained how to get over the fear of rejection and not let it stop you from taking action.

And if you’ve been going out for a while, you’re probably already getting desensitized to rejection anyway. In that case, just remind yourself: “This worst-case thing has already happened to me multiple times, and I was totally fine.”

How to start the conversation

There are tons of ways to open a group of girls, but I’ll keep it simple and give you three solid ones: two direct and one indirect.

1. Open the girl you’re interested in

If you don’t know how a normal cold approach works yet, I’d highly recommend reading my post on that first.

Quick summary: Get her full attention first with a loud, clear “Excuse me” and a pause. Don’t start talking until she’s actually looking at you and listening. After that, start with an observational, restrained compliment or simple line like “I like your style” or “You look interesting, had to come say hi.” Address the awkwardness lightly if needed (“I know this is random…”).

Speak loud, slow, and self-assured. Take pauses. Strong but warm eye contact. Give her a relaxed, slightly smirky smile that shows you’re flirting, not just being friendly.

In a group setting, you approach the girl you like exactly the same way you would if she were alone, like explained above. But once you have her attention (usually after 30-60 seconds), you then start including her friend(s) in the conversation too.

2. Open the entire group

Here you do a standard approach again, but instead of opening only the girl you like, you address the whole group from the start. Get their attention with “excuse me” and then say something like:

“I like both of your styles,”

“Y’all have a nice vibe,”

or “You guys look interesting, I had to come say hi.”

You get the idea. Later, through your vibe and what you say, it becomes clear who you’re really interested in.

3. Ask for an opinion (indirect)

This is the one I like the least because it’s indirect, but it can be a fun, low-pressure way to open sometimes. You walk up and say you need a female opinion, then ask something playful like:

“What do you guys think — who lies more, guys or girls?”

or “My friend thinks this t-shirt makes me look gay, I need a female opinion.”

Girls love giving opinions, and because the question is light and fun, you usually get zero resistance. The problem is, eventually you still have to make it intimate and ask their names, flirt, and move things forward. If they were only up for giving an opinion and having a quick chat, you’ve basically wasted your time.

Plus, on some level it reveals your real intention was to hit on them, and that “ulterior motive” vibe can turn some girls off. A lot of women actually respect and prefer when a guy is direct and unapologetic.

My recommendation:

For most beginners (which is probably most of you reading this), skip the indirect opinion opener. It lets you avoid working on your biggest weakness, which is having the balls to be direct about your intentions. Direct approaches force you to face that discomfort and get comfortable holding sexual tension.

My personal suggestion:

If it’s just two girls → open the entire group together.

If it’s three or more girls → stop the whole group but then quickly address the girl you’re actually interested in.

Keep in mind, this is only how you start the conversation. It doesn’t mean you’ll spend the whole time talking to all of them or just one. That will naturally shift depending on the situation and context, which I’ll explain in the next section.

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How to carry the conversation

This is where it starts to matter whether there are just two girls or more than two.

If it’s only two girls:

The best way is to rizz up the girl you’re interested in is THROUGH her friend.

What I mean is, instead of teasing her directly, you tease HER to her friend.

Let me explain using an example: Instead of teasing the girl you like with something like “You look like the type of girl who would poison my morning coffee after an argument.”

Say to her friend instead: “You look sweet and friendly, but your friend here looks like the type who would poison my morning coffee over an argument from the night before.”

The exact words don’t matter as much as the format. You’re flirting and teasing the girl you like, while keeping her friend fully in the conversation. This way, her friend doesn’t feel like a third wheel or left out, so she’s way less likely to cockblock you and pull her friend away.

At the same time, you’re creating the same emotional spark with your girl as if you were talking to her directly. A lot of times, the friend actually starts playing along and becomes an accidental wingman. When that happens, the girl you like sees her own friend approving of you. Instant social proof.

It’s a win-win-win and honestly super simple once you get the hang of it. (If you don’t know how to tease or flirt with girls yet, check out my post on that.)

If there are more than two girls:

Things get a bit more situational. Sometimes you open the girl you like, and the other girls just naturally start talking among themselves and leave you two alone. The more girls in the group, the higher the chance of this happening.

Other times, they don’t leave but just stand there watching the conversation. In that case, after a while you’ll need to include them too, otherwise it gets awkward.

And sometimes her friends will try to interrup or drag her away.

Because every group is different, here’s a simple framework to follow:

You have to learn to spot when her friends are starting to get bored, annoyed, or restless. Before they hit that point and interfere, quickly turn to them, have a fun playful exchange, lift their mood for a minute or two, then go back to your girl.

Their interest will slowly drop again, so you keep juggling: talk to your girl, check the friends, engage them briefly, and repeat.

Think of it like an imaginary “attention health bar” floating above each friend’s head. If you ignore them for too long, the bar drains. When it hits zero, they’ll interrupt or pull her away. So you need to read their body language and facial expressions while still talking to the girl you like.

Building this intuition takes some practice and reps, but it’s actually not that hard. If you do enough group approaches, it becomes pretty automatic after a while.

Do’s and Don’ts When Approaching a Group

Don’t be overtly sexual

Don’t be overtly sexual with the girl you like in front of her friends

There are two big reasons:

First, she’ll probably feel slutty continuing the conversation when you’re being too sexual right in front of her friends. She’ll also think you’re not socially smart enough to calibrate and not put her in an awkward spot.

Second, even if she doesn’t mind, her friends might not like some random guy getting sexual (verbally or physically) just minutes after meeting them. They’ll often drag her away as an instinct to “protect” her. Not from violence, but from getting with the “wrong guy” too fast.

So, create just enough sexual tension that you two can feel it, but it stays invisible to everyone else.

Do be friendly to her friends

Be friendly and safe with her friends but risky and flirtatious with her.

The biggest mistake I see guys make: they talk to every girl in the group the exact same way. It makes it look like you’re hitting on all of them.

Sure, it can still “work” in the moment. They might enjoy it and flirt back, and it feels thrilling. But once they go back to their world, you’re usually not seen as a serious option for any of them. It just becomes a fun memory, not something that turns into anything real.

Better approach: Be cool, fun, and safe with her friends so they see you as a chill, non-loser guy. With the girl you actually like, use stronger eye contact, smiles, light touch, and man-to-woman teasing/flirting to show clear intimate interest. (I explained the difference between friendly chat and flirty/intimate conversation in another post.)

This way, her friends are more likely to approve of you, which gives you social proof.

One caveat: Sometimes the girl you first liked isn’t that into you, but another one in the group is. In that case, you can switch but do it subtly. Don’t announce it. Slowly give more attention, teases, and flirts to the new girl while shifting back to friendly vibes with the first one.

Do ask for Instagram/numbers

Go for Instagram instead of her number in most group situations. Instagram feels way more casual and socially acceptable these days. It’s lower investment, so she’s less likely to feel slutty giving it to you in front of her friends compared to handing over her phone number.

But keep this in mind:

Only ask for IG if your own profile is decent and actually shows your personality well. If it’s boring or weak, getting her IG might be pointless or even hurt you. (Though sometimes she’ll be so into you from the in-person vibe that she overlooks it.)

Just because IG is safer doesn’t mean asking for her number tanks your chances. Her friends aren’t stupid. They already know why you’re there. If you’ve made a solid impression and followed the other rules, most of the time it won’t be a big deal.

These things exist on a spectrum. There’s no hard “always do this” rule. As you get more reps, you’ll build the intuition to read the situation and calibrate in the moment.

Next Steps

So, to wrap it all up: approaching groups of girls isn’t as scary or complicated as most guys make it out to be. The worst case is still just rejection, same as approaching a girl alone. The biggest takeaway is don’t use “she’s with her friends” as an excuse anymore. You have the tools. Now it’s time to use them.

Now some actionable steps for you depending on where you’re at:

For beginners

Stop overthinking and trying to do everything in this post perfectly on your first few attempts. You won’t. That’s normal. Your only real job right now is to take massive action and get as many reps as possible. Focus on approaching groups consistently. The intuition, calibration, and smooth execution will come naturally after you’ve done it enough times.

For beginner-to-intermediate guys

You need to build more awareness. Start paying close attention to group dynamics in the moment. Learn to read when her friends are getting bored or restless, practice calibrating on the fly, and adjust based on the specific situation and vibe. The more real-world experience you stack, the more automatic and natural all of this becomes.

Go out there, stop hiding behind excuses, and start talking to groups. The more you do it, the easier and more fun it gets. You’ve got this.

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How many of you at some point have had some tell you not to lose hope on dating and “just focus on yourself and you’ll eventually find the right person at the right time”?

See, this entire idea of “I’ll just naturally stumble across my ideal match one day” is a very feminine idea.

Why?

Because women can actually afford to think like this.

No matter how conventionally attractive or unattractive a girl is, she’ll always have dozens of guys trying to hit on her, ask her out, and date her. So, of course, just by sheer probability, you’ll score a goal if you get nearly unlimited attempts.

Now, I’m not saying dating for women is all roses and sunshine. They have their own struggles, like how extremely difficult it is for them to find a guy they vibe with who also has some level of emotional maturity and basic conversational skills lol. And in some areas, they have it way harder.

But coming back to guys, the reality is very different for them. Men don’t face the problem of “I can’t find a good girl.” They can’t find ANY GIRL. PERIOD. Lol

Most guys are completely invisible unless they actively make a move on someone or they build some level of clout.

You can work on yourself all you want. You can become rich, successful, emotionally mature, etc., but if you don’t learn how to actually make the first move of starting a conversation, come off interesting, and take things forward in a confident way, very rarely will you come across a girl who will do it for you (the only exception is if you become somewhat famous, i.e., have clout or status).

And even then, you’re basically leaving it up to luck. Because an average girl has so many men hitting her up online and offline that she is too busy filtering them and will rarely go out of her way to find YOU without you making your existence known.

The sad part is many guys actually buy into this “right person at the right time” BS, especially in their early 20s when they think they have all the time in the world. Ask any single 30-year-old dude dealing with constant pressure from family and friends about when he’s getting married. Women get hit with this pressure even worse, but at least they’re choosing between options (even if those options aren’t always great lol) instead of having zero to begin with lol.

I would rather choose the difficult path of actively talking to new girls, getting rejected, and building my confidence and social skills along the way than be passive and let life happen to me (assuming it ever will).

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It’s not news that what women say they want in a man is very different than what they actually go for in real life.

This is a studied phenomenon in psychology and economics and it’s called stated vs revealed preference. This applies to everyone, not just women.

However, when it comes to dating, it gets very confusing and frustrating.

Why?

Because if you’re trying to find a girl to hook up or get in a relationship with, you would think the logical thing to do is to just ask women what they like.

But there are two problems with that:

Firstly, they might know what’s good for them but their biology (because of hundreds of thousands of years of evolution) simply responds to something different. It’s like you might know that green vegetables is good for you but your biology is hardwired for you to like sugary sweet food.

Second, often when girls describe the qualities they want in a guy, they are imagining a guy that they are already attracted to.

So, of course, they want the guy they ALREADY like to be loyal, respectful, and gentleman-like to them.

But if you, as someone that she isn’t attracted to YET, tries to skip directly to that part, you’ll most probably just end up in the friendzone.

Remember, being a great person doesn’t automatically make you an attractive one.

That doesn’t mean I’m encouraging people to be toxic or an asshole.

Firstly, women aren’t particularly attracted to toxic or asshole guys. It’s just that guys who are toxic and asshole also tend to embody some of the traits, like confidence, assertiveness, having boundaries, risk-taking abilities, carefree, etc., that they find attractive.

So, the next time, you’re taking advice from girls, just take what they say with a grain of salt.

It’s not like every woman is wrong every single time. Some women are incredibily self aware about how attraction works for them and they can give you great game. But others, not so much.

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Most advice online is either too vague and politically correct, or way too complicated and nitpicky about tiny details.

Think of learning how to build attraction like building muscles. Compound exercises, like bench presses, squats, and deadlifts, give you 80% of your results. You don’t need to do three different isolation exercises and a weird cable row variation you learned from Jeff Nippard. Those may be useful when you’ve already squeezed what you could have from the basics.

Same thing with attraction.

That’s why in this post, I’ve tried to break attraction down to the basics here. Feel free to add, disagree, or whatever in the comments.

For her to actually be attracted to you AND invest in the interaction, you need to:

1. Come off as the prize or a win (she should feel like you’d add value to her life)

2. Be emotionally relevant to her

3. Build connection

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How to be the prize

Being the prize has way less to do with looks or money (though yeah, those help) and more to do with your status. There are deep evolutionary reasons why women are attracted to status - you can Google it or ask ChatGPT if you don’t believe me.

Here’s the thing: our brains don’t have time to check someone’s resume, bank balance, or Instagram followers to figure out if they’re high status. Instead, they look for instant clues - your posture, tone of voice, confidence, leadership, how you talk about yourself, how you talk to her.

Also, status is relative. I don’t mean high status compared to every man on Earth. I mean high status in your local circle - your class, workplace, friend group. Being famous is a cheat code here, which is why famous people pull even when they’re not that attractive.

I’ve written about the different traits that make men attractive in another post. For this one, I want to focus on practical things you can do right now to make her attracted. These things mimic high-status behavior, which is why they work.

Strong sub-communications

Basic but powerful stuff - tone of voice, eye contact, smile, posture. Watch guys that women find attractive. See how they talk, hold eye contact, smile. Emulate them to start. Over time, you’ll find your own style.

No self-deprecating humor

Pretty self-explanatory. Don’t put yourself below her by making jokes at your own expense. Don’t fish for pity or validation. Be a little cocky, even borderline arrogant. If you overdo it at first, that’s fine - you’ll calibrate and find your sweet spot.

There’s way more I could cover, but these two give you the highest leverage (outsized returns for your effort). They’re also what most men get wrong.

How to be emotionally relevant

Being emotionally relevant means making her care about the conversation, making her care about you, and most importantly, making her care about the idea of you and her together. That’s it.

There are many ways to do this. I’m focusing on the two most effective, highest leverage ones.

Tease her:

This is the opposite of self-deprecating humor. Make jokes about her, but keep them light and playful. She’s not one of your guy friends - don’t go as hard or direct. Guys can handle it. Girls can’t. You need to be more subtle.

Tease her about something she does, how she talks, her opinions, her tastes - but in a fun, playful way. Not demeaning.

Example: She says she’s a doctor. You say, “Oh that’s why you have a lowkey nerdy look, makes sense now.”

That’s super basic, but the point is - don’t be afraid to put her on the spot, challenge her, make assumptions about her. Just do it with a smile so she knows you mean no harm.

Disclaimer: don’t explicitly insult her or tease her on things she can’t change (physical appearance, social background).

Flirt with her

Make the conversation about you two. Most guys talk about random stuff that has nothing to do with them. Some guys tease, which is better than talking about weather or politics. But guys who get results make it about the two of them.

Easy way to do this: tease her on something, then say why that’s the reason you guys might or might not be good together.

Good shorthand: turn any statement from “me” and “you” to “we.”

Taking the earlier example: “Oh that’s why you have a lowkey nerdy look. Lucky for you, I’m into nerdy girls.”

You can do this with LITERALLY ANYTHING.

• “You like chocolate? Don’t expect me to get you chocolate next time we meet, okay?”

• “You’re getting late? Are you scared if you spend too long with me you’ll fall for me?”

• “You like Taylor Swift? I don’t think we’ll be a good couple then, I like Kanye.”

It doesn’t matter what you say. Doesn’t matter how lame, cringe, or corny it sounds. What matters is you’re planting the idea of “you and her together” in her mind. Then it’s up to her to play along or push back.

Don’t be afraid of pushback. That’s good. You want that. Pushback doesn’t mean rejection. If she wanted to reject you, she would. Think of pushback as a mating dance you need to participate in. It’s fun. Enjoy it.

Girls love giving guys a hard time. When they do, don’t justify yourself or seek validation. Just own it, double down, exaggerate, or misinterpret it in your favor. The key is not being affected emotionally. Think of it like a small kid trying to act tough in front of you lol.

There are many ways to flirt - push-pull, misinterpretations, future projections, etc. Can’t cover them all here. But these are the basics.

How to build connection

This part is easy, and most guys do it naturally. In fact, most guys end up in the friendzone because they focus too much on connection without first being seen as a prize or being emotionally relevant.

Important disclaimer: connection without first establishing yourself as the prize or emotional relevanc = friendzone. Only go for connection when she already views you as a prize or at least knows for sure the interaction is sexual/romantic. Without that sexual tension, connection will just make her see you as a comfortable brother or a mannequin with no dick. You don’t want that.

Anyway, connection builds automatically the more time you spend with someone. Shared interests, experiences together (even something as simple as walking), telling life stories - all of this builds connection. Basic stuff everyone does anyway, so I’m not going too deep here.

But overall, this is what attraction comes down to. Don’t expect to read this and suddenly be good at it though. These things take time and practice to internalize. Focus on practicing, fucking up, getting rejected, and improving over time.

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I see so many men on Reddit and Instagram complaining about how women claim they want a stable, sincere, kind guy... but then only chase toxic, manipulative players. They feel betrayed because they’ve always respected women, some never even smoked, drank, or partied, and despite being “great guys,” they get zero female attention.

I get it. I’ve been there.

But after getting kicked in the nuts enough times, I finally accepted two harsh truths:

a) You’re not entitled to attraction just because you’re a great person. Attraction isn’t a choice. It’s automatic. You don’t see a beautiful woman and logically decide to feel attracted. You just are.

b) Being a great guy ≠ being an attractive guy. An attractive man can also be great, but being great doesn’t automatically make you attractive. For example, being a reliable friend who always shows up on time is great, but it doesn’t make someone want to fuck you.

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Based on my experiences and what I see on Reddit daily, these are the main traits many men lack that would make them more attractive (not just great):

Social status

Hands down the biggest turn-on for women. An extreme example: a man can be average-looking (or worse), but if he’s famous, women throw themselves at him. Think of many rappers lol. But you don’t need to be a celebrity to display status. Social status is relative. Let’s say you’re the best dancer in a local dance class, you’ll hold the highest status in that room. But if we throw you in a gym where you have nothing to show for, no one notices you.

The root of this is biological and evolutionary (read the optional section below if you’re curious, or just accept it for now).

Every other trait I’m about to mention is basically an indicator of social status, which is why they’re attractive. Our brains use shortcuts since we can’t always tell someone’s social status just by looking, so we look for clues.

Confidence (aka balls)

You’ve heard this a thousand times from everyone. That’s because it’s true. Confidence is attractive not because confidence itself is valuable, but because our brains assume if you’re confident, you must be good at what you do. Why would a loser be confident?

That’s why people treat you like a loser even if you’re accomplished on paper but lack confidence. That’s why guys feel betrayed when they spend their lives chasing accomplishments and high-paying jobs, expecting women to be waiting at the finish line with their clothes off, but it never happens. Meanwhile, some girls are madly in love with the broke, delusional but confident artist who thinks he’ll make it one day.

Assertiveness, dominance, and boundaries

Women are drawn to guys who state their opinions, wants, and preferences confidently without worrying about rejections or what others think.

That’s why so many women end up with “toxic” dudes. It’s not the toxicity they like (they don’t). It’s that toxic guys often come off as dominant and controlling, which to a lot of girls (especially younger, less mature ones) looks like real assertiveness.

You don’t have to be toxic to get the benefit. Just copy the good part (being firm and unapologetic) and ditch the bad.

Boundaries are non-negotiable too. People (not just women) will walk all over you, use you, and screw you over if you have no boundaries. Sure, you can call them assholes (and you’d probably be right), but lacking a spine doesn’t make you noble or better than them either. Being spineless isn’t a flex.

You have to be ready to say no or walk away from anyone, no matter how amazing they are, if they cross your lines. That willingness is insanely attractive, not just to women but to everyone.

In short: stop people-pleasing and go after what you want without caring about rejections.

Some level of stoicism

Most guys get this wrong. They think “stoic” means “zero emotions ever.” Nah, showing emotions is fine. What’s unattractive is acting out on them.

For example, sharing something vulnerable from a place of strength (calm, no fishing for pity, paired with the other traits we covered) = super attractive.

The opposite? Losing your shit, yelling, abusing, fighting because you’re mad = weak and repulsive.

Also, save the deep trauma stuff for a few months in. Don’t dump your baggage on date one.

Stoicism also means not getting emotionally rattled by opinions (good or bad) or rejections.

Intelligence and humor

Back in the day, being smart obviously helped in survival (read optional section if you want to know why). But the kind of intelligence women vibe with isn’t just book knowledge.

It’s street smartness. Being clever, resourceful (jugadu), quick at problem-solving, and socially savvy: making friends easily, having charisma, reading rooms, and knowing random stuff.

Humor is attractive because it’s a mental shortcut: “Damn, this guy’s brain works quick, he must be sharp.” She’s not literally thinking that but she’s wired to make those subconscious associations. That’s why girls love funny and witty, intellectual guys.

Disclaimer: Looks, height, and appearance matter, but this post focuses on what you can control. Plus, they matter way less than your behavioral traits anyway.

There’s more stuff I could list, but then this would drag on forever. These are the main traits missing in guys complaining they don’t get attention despite being nice, decent, sincere, or whatever.

Again, you can wish the world was different and women were naturally attracted to those traits, but they’re not.

And drop the “I’m not gonna change myself for anyone” mindset. Bro, we’re constantly changing from the moment we’re born. I’m not the same person I was 2 years ago, who wasn’t the same as 5 years before that, and so on. The only constant is change. You either embrace it and change in ways that improve your life, or you change into someone lonely, bitter, and resentful.

All love to anyone feeling called out or uncomfortable reading this. It’s not meant to attack you, but ask yourself: would you rather hear a comforting lie or a painful truth? I’ll always go with the latter.

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Why evolution made these traits attractive (Optional section)

You can skip this if you want and just trust me and apply the stuff I said above. But if you’re wondering why the you should listen to me, or you’re curious, keep reading.

I hate dragging in nerdy science, but I have to, because without it you’ll never get why women (and society) act the way they do.

Humans (at least homosapiens) have been around for more than 300,000 years. But civilisations have only been around for about 10,000 years (6000 years if you wanna be super precise). So, for 90% of our history, we lived in small tribes, hunting, dodging predators, and banging like crazy to pass on genes.

If you’re here today, it’s because your ancestors got laid without getting eaten and were decent at scoring food.

People say “We’re not cavemen anymore,” but they don’t unnderstabd our brains evolved for that 90% jungle life. Modern society isn’t even 10% of our existence. It’s like running the latest PlayStation game on a Windows XP PC with 2GB RAM. Samjhe?

Next big thing: reproduction costs are wildly different for men and women.

For men, it’s super low. Nut, bounce, theoretically knock up dozens, hope some kids make it.

For women, though, the cost is super high. Limited eggs (a few hundred lifetime), ovulation windows, and then 9 months pregnant (basically handicapped for survival/protection). Even post-birth, she can’t solo-defend herself and the baby from predators or rival tribes. And keep in mind, back then, there were no cops, no morals. Just raw animal shit (except for a few drawings in caves lol).

That’s why women are picky as hell about who they fuck, while men will smash anything that moves. Not all, though; some of us have standards.

Men mostly hunted and protected the tribe, so women wanted the leader’s seed: the guy who had the best resources, food, and safety and could shield her and the kid from other men and predators.

Hence, women are still wired to this day to crave tall, jacked, bold, assertive, risk-taking guys (traits of survivors/leaders). And men want curves and thick asses because evolution said, “good fat stores = healthy pregnancy/kid.”

You think you just like big booty because it’s hot, but it’s just evolution that made it hot so your bloodline survived.

But this puts women in a tough spot: they want the “top guys” genes for strong offspring but also a guy who’ll actually stick around instead of pumping and dumping to chase other women.

The problem is every chick wants the top guy too. So why would he commit to one? That’s why women often go for high-status guys but not too high so the guy is still likely to stay loyal.

All this is a massive oversimplification of evolutionary psychology, but even this might be too complicated for some, and that’s why I kept it optional.

If you’re nerdy like me and want to dive deeper, check out David Buss. And for god’s sake, don’t get your evo-psych from redpill podcast bros. They butcher the shit outta it constantly.

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The biggest reason most guys don’t approach women IRL is approach anxiety and fear of rejection. I’ve written about handling both in another post. Check it out.

But today, I wanted to talk about the second biggest roadblock:

“I can start conversations but don’t know what to say after or how to carry them.”

Whether you’re approaching women IRL or sliding into DMs, eventually you’ll have to spend time together in person (unless you’re planning a lifelong online-only relationship). So, it’s better you learn to be engaging in conversations as early as possible. And it doesn’t matter if you’re shy, introverted, or underconfident, anyone can use this framework.

Disclaimer: I’m assuming you’re talking to a stranger or someone you’re not close with yet, but this applies pretty much everywhere. Also, read this post where explain how to start a conversation with strangers from scratch.

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The Hook Point

In any interaction, there’s a point where the conversation picks up momentum and flows on its own. No one’s forcing it. It just happens naturally.

This is the hook point.

Before the hook point, one person (usually you) is working harder to keep things going. And that’s fine.

Think of it like riding a cycle. At first, each pedal feels heavy. But as you keep going, it gets lighter. Eventually, you barely have to pedal, and the momentum carries you forward.

That’s how conversations work when approaching someone who doesn’t fully know you yet.

A lot of people think if the conversation doesn’t flow naturally from the start, the chemistry isn’t there, and it’s not meant to be. That’s BS.

If they don’t know you yet, they have no reason to CARE about the conversation.

So as the person starting it, it’s your job to give them a reason to care. You’re the one pedaling the bike until you hit the hook point.

How to tell if you’ve reached the hook point

Before I show you how to reach the hook point, you need to know how to identify it. Otherwise, you’ll never know when to stop pedaling.

Two main indicators I look for:

a) Are they asking questions or investing in the conversation when they don’t have to?

That’s the biggest sign. As soon as they start asking you questions or adding their own opinions and stories, you’ve reached the hook point, or at least hooked them enough to stay.

b) Their subcommunication changes.

Their eyes light up and get bigger. Their voice gets a bit higher. They’re smiling, giggling. Their body language becomes open and relaxed. Overall, they get more animated and reactive. That’s your cue that they’re emotionally hooked.

How to reach the hook point

Now that you know what it is and how to spot it, here’s how to reach it every time:

a) Skip the questions (at first)

Nothing kills momentum faster than questions. Even worse is firing them off one after another like it’s a job interview.

You’re making them the center of attention and asking them to do all the work while you just sit there asking boring, repetitive stuff like “What do you do? Where do you live?”

You’re taking value instead of giving it, which is the opposite of what you should do.

So what do we say if we can’t ask questions?

First off, it’s not like you can NEVER ask questions. You can. We’ll get to that. But initially, make statements instead. Assume things about them. Take guesses.

Instead of asking what they do, just guess. Doesn’t matter if you’re completely wrong.

First, it’s way less boring than a question they’ve heard a million times. Second, it makes them curious, “why did he think that about me?” which gets them emotionally invested.

b) Express yourself

This sounds obvious but so many people don’t do it. Whenever they say something, an opinion, a story, a fact about their life, give your input too.

If they say they live in Jaipur, tell them about the time you went there and what you loved or hated about it.

If they say they like Bollywood movies, share what you think too. Or jump to talking about your favorite movie, when you first watched it, why you love it, and so on.

You can use multithreading here. Every answer, every statement has multiple topics you can jump on. Practice spotting these threads.

Basically, whatever they say, add your own opinion, story, and personality so they have multiple threads to grab onto and ask you questions back.

Combine this with making statements instead of asking questions (sprinkling in some questions here and there is fine, just don’t overdo it), and you’ll see how fast people get sucked into a conversation.

Keep in mind: you don’t have to agree with them all the time. You can disagree or even tease them about something they say.

Just do it playfully with a smile so they know you mean no harm.

Don’t be a douchebag. But don’t be a “yes man” either. Be willing to challenge her and make her prove or justify her answers. It’s more fun that way.

It’s the same banter you do with your boys that you suddenly forget when standing in front of a woman lol.

After this, it’s all about how good your game or rizz is. I’ve explained in detail how to create attraction if anyone’s interested.

Final note: Even after doing all this, some people still won’t get hooked. And that’s okay. You’re not meant to click with everyone. But to find the ones you WILL click with, you’ve got to be willing to put in the effort.

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I bet that almost every man, at some point (probably more than once) has seen a woman on the street, in a mall, on the metro, or wherever, and thought, “I wish I could just go talk to her.” And then he immediately talked himself out of it.

Because how do you just... walk up to a stranger? It feels insane. Your brain starts running worst-case scenarios. What if she’s offended? What if she causes a scene? What if some guy nearby decides to be a hero? (Spoiler: almost none of that actually happens. Like, almost never. The fear is real, the threat isn’t.)

This is called approach anxiety, and it usually comes bundled with a side of rejection fear. I’ve written about how to work through both of those separately, so check that out if it’s something you’re dealing with.

But here’s the thing. Even if you somehow push past the anxiety, even if you take a breath and actually decide to go for it, most guys still have absolutely no fucking idea what to say. And more importantly, how to keep things going once the first two lines run out.

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After approaching almost hundreds of women, the awkward ones, good ones, and ones I’d rather forget, I can say with some confidence that a solid approach really comes down to a handful of things:

Tonality and cadence

This is probably the most important factor in a cold approach. Full stop.

People form a first impression of you within the first 10-20 seconds of an interaction. And in those first few seconds, before she’s processed what you said or why you’re talking to her, she’s already picking up on the strongest subcommunication indicator, which is how you sound. Your volume and conviction in those opening seconds set the frame for everything that follows.

So let’s get specific.

Firstly, be loud and commanding. The most common mistake I see guys make, and I’ve watched a lot of approaches, is speaking way too quietly. And here’s the frustrating part: even when guys think they’re being loud enough, they’re usually still half-mumbling. I’ve told guys in the field to speak up. They overcorrect, and they’re STILL too quiet. That’s how much their baseline is fucked to begin with.

If she has to strain to hear you, or you sound like you’re asking for permission just to exist in her space, the interaction is already uphill. That apologetic, timid tone doesn’t make you come off as polite. It makes them think that you believe you’re doing something shady. And that lack of conviction comes off as creepy to a stranger who doesn’t know you yet.

Now, cadence. Guys tend to speak fast when they’re nervous, and in a cold approach, you ARE nervous. Let’s not pretend otherwise.

You’ve stopped her. She’s looking at you, maybe a little confused, maybe a little curious, maybe with this slight smile she doesn’t fully know she’s doing. And that tension feels unbearable. There’s this subconscious urge to just get it over with, to dump everything out before the window closes. So you start rambling at full speed.

Bad move. Because all that nervous energy? She feels it. And it makes her want to leave.

Here’s the paradox: the slower you speak, the more pauses you take, the more grounded you seem, and the more she actually stays. The tension you’re trying to escape is the same tension that’s keeping her attention. Let it breathe.

So, to summarize, speak with a loud and self-assured voice. Don’t be apologetic. Take pauses and speak slowly.

Eye Contact

Strong, direct eye contact. Look her in the eyes. Not at her forehead, not at her lips, not somewhere vaguely in her direction. Her eyes. Don’t overthink the mechanics of it. If you find yourself getting distracted trying to look at “both eyes,” just pick one and lock in.

Now, and this matters, don’t turn this into a staring contest. You’re not trying to assert dominance over her like you’re in a nature documentary. Aggressive, wide-eyed, unblinking contact will just freak her out. That’s not the goal.

The goal is soft but intentional. Think about the way you look at something you’re genuinely drawn to. There’s a warmth there, a pull. That’s what you’re going for. They say, “smile with your eyes,” and that’s exactly it.

Let the attraction you feel actually show up in your eyes instead of hiding it like it’s something to be ashamed of. Your intentions don’t need to be a secret. Don’t be apologetic about the fact that you have a dick.

Smile

A lot of guys get this wrong in one of two directions. Either they have a total poker face or a stiff, performative smile that looks like they googled “how to smile.” Neither works.

You know the smile you have when you’re with your closest friends, fully relaxed, genuinely having a good time? That one. That’s what you’re going for. Not manufactured. Not pasted on. Just... easy.

The size matters too, *smirk*. Not a small, closed-lip thing that reads as nervous, and not a wide grin that reads as try-hard. Somewhere in the middle. A little smirky, a little warm, with just enough flirt in it that she knows you’re not just being friendly. For me personally, the smirky-flirty combo is what works best. But it only works if it’s real. She can tell the difference. They always can.

Get her attention first

Here’s something most guys don’t realize: a lot of “rejections” aren’t actually rejections. She didn’t decide she wasn’t interested. She didn’t assess you and pass. She just got overwhelmed and made a split-second decision to ignore. Someone appeared in her space, started talking, and her brain defaulted to “nope, not processing this, moving on.” You didn’t even get a real shot.

That’s a painful distinction. Because it means you could have the perfect opener, decent looks, and good energy, and still get ignored. Not because she didn’t like you. But because you never actually got through to her in the first place.

So before you say anything meaningful, before the compliment, before the opener, and before you even ask her name, you need her full attention. Not half of it. Not a polite glance while she keeps walking. All of it.

The way I do it is simple. I say “excuse me,” and then I just... wait. A few seconds. Let it land. Let her brain catch up to the fact that a stranger just stopped her and is now standing there. That pause does a lot of work. It signals that you’re not frantic, that you have something worth saying, that she can actually relax for a second and listen.

If she’s got earphones in, I say “excuse me” and then “can you hear me?” with a small gesture toward my ear. Give her time to actually take them out. Don’t start talking while one earbud is still in.

If she’s walking, I say “excuse me,” plant my feet, and wait. I don’t chase. I don’t walk alongside her mid-sentence. I stop, and I let her be the one to slow down, turn slightly, and give me her attention.

Get the attention first. Everything else comes after.

What to say

Observational, restrained compliment. That’s the move.

Look at her, notice something specific, and make a comment that shows you actually paid attention. If she’s in a sharp formal suit, maybe it’s “not many people can pull off the corporate look that well.” If she’s rolling a suitcase with that particular kind of confidence, I’ve literally said “you look like a very confident drug dealer with that suitcase and walk of yours.” And it worked. Because it was specific, it was playful, and it didn’t put her on a pedestal.

That last part matters a lot. “Restrained” means you’re not making a big deal out of it. You’re not gushing. You’re not handing over your power in the first sentence. I almost never open with “beautiful” or “gorgeous” or any of the heavier words. Those feel like too much too soon, and honestly, she hasn’t earned that from me yet. I keep it casual: “cute,” “interesting,” “elegant” at most. Low stakes. Like you’re sharing an observation, not confessing something.

Now, here’s a practical tip. Have one or two generic backup lines memorised. Because there will be days when you walk up and your mind goes completely blank, anxiety spiking, and you’ve got nothing. In those moments, “I like your style” or “I thought you were cute and wanted to come say hi” is genuinely enough. It’s not flashy, but it does the job.

And don’t overthink what you’re saying. The goal of the opener is just to start things on a positive note, offer something slightly interesting, and make your intentions reasonably clear. That’s it. Everything real happens after.

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Address the awkwardness

Sometimes, you’re going to get weird looks. Confused, slightly guarded, not sure what’s happening. That’s fine. That’s normal. A stranger walked up to her out of nowhere. Of course it’s a little weird, awkward, and nerve-wracking for her.

Here’s the thing about awkwardness that most people don’t realise: it only lives in the silence around it. The second you break the fourth wall and sort of narrate what’s happening, you’re diffusing all awkward. You’re showing her that you’re self-aware enough to see the situation for what it is and relaxed enough to joke about it. That combination is very attractive.

Unaddressed awkwardness suffocates an interaction. Called-out awkwardness becomes comfort. Use it. So, don’t ignore it. Go meta.

Something like “I know this is pretty random, me just coming up and saying hi like this” or “don’t worry, I’m not here to sell you anything, and I’m probably not a serial killer.” It sounds simple, almost too simple. But it works every time because it does one very specific thing: it releases the pressure she’s been holding in her chest since the moment you walked up.

You can also throw in a false time constraint. “I actually have to run in a minute, but...” and then pivot to something else. It signals that you’re not planning to trap her in a 45-minute conversation with a stranger. It gives her an exit she can see, and weirdly, that makes her more comfortable staying.

Make her care about the conversation

Okay, you’ve introduced yourself. Names have been exchanged. Now what?

This is where most guys don’t know what to do next. Because the real question isn’t how to start a conversation. It’s why she should bother continuing it. She has a life to get back to. Why is talking to you a better use of her next five minutes?

This is what people mean when they talk about the “hook point,” the moment where she’s more interested in staying than leaving and is actually putting something in to keep the conversation going. I’ll do a full post on this separately because it deserves more space, but here’s the short version.

There are basically two ways to make someone care about a conversation. One is if she already cares about you, which, in the first 60 seconds, is not happening unless you’re Henry Cavill.

So we move on to option two: talk about her. Not in a flattering, people-pleasing way. In an interesting way. Because she might not care about you yet, but everyone cares about THEMSELVES. Always. And contrary to popular mainstream advice, you don’t want to ask her questions about herself. That’s the fastest way to bore her out of the conversation.

Here are two techniques that actually work:

a) Call out what’s different about her.

And before you say “what if there’s nothing different about her,” bullshit. You’re just setting the bar too high for what counts as different. Everyone expresses themselves in a specific way. If she’s unusually calm and collected, that’s different. If she’s in an obvious rush, that’s different. If she’s got this warm, almost too-polite energy, that’s different. Every little thing she says, every facial expression, and every word choice is material for you to riff on.

“Damn, that’s a strong handshake. I feel like you’re in some kind of managerial role the way you’re asserting dominance already.”

“You have this really calm vibe about you. You either meditate a lot or you smoke weed every day, I can’t tell which.”

What this does is make the conversation about her and give her multiple threads she can grab onto. Humans have a near-automatic instinct to explain or justify themselves when someone makes an assumption about them. You’re just giving her something worth responding to.

b) Replace questions with assumptions.

All those standard small talk questions you’d normally ask? Turn them into statements.

Instead of “where do you live,” try “I’m guessing you’re not from around here.”

Instead of “what do you do,” try “you look like you do something creative. Are you an artist?”

This does two things at once. It makes the conversation feel less like a job interview, and it makes her curious about WHAT you think of her and WHY. That curiosity is what gets her invested. And investment is what you’re after.

Once you hit that hook point where she’s in it too and not actively looking for an exit, it really does come down to your overall game (or rizz or whatever they call it these days) from there. That’s a whole separate thing I’m not going to unpack today. But if you’re someone who’s always wanted to cold approach but never knew where to even begin, this is a solid place to start.

And look, maybe you disagree with some of this. Maybe your experience has been different, or you think some of this is too calculated. Fair enough. I’m just telling you what’s worked for me and what I’ve seen work for a lot of other guys. Take what’s useful, leave what isn’t.

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After lurking in different subreddits and comment sections, I’ve noticed most Indians in their twenties and thirties are stuck in this weird limbo. You’re too independent-minded for arranged marriage. But dating apps feel soulless and performative, so that’s not happening either.

Your social circles are shrinking. College friends are scattered. Work friends are surface-level. Meeting people suddenly feels… hard. So online seems like the only option.

This hits guys especially hard. I’m not dismissing women’s social struggles, but loneliness isn’t the same for men and women (happy to be corrected). For girls, it’s having lots of options but none of them are good. For guys? There ARE NO OPTIONS. Lonely with a capital L.

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That’s when I see guys turn online, spamming DMs on Instagram, Reddit and dating apps out of desperation because they’re scared to approach women in real life. Fear of rejection. Fear of making a scene. Fear of “what if this goes wrong.”

But online is a losing game.

Firstly, because on most online platforms and dating apps, there are way too many guys chasing way too few women. It’s a supply and demand issue.

Secondly, DMing girls online tells them that you don’t have any standards, as you would have sent the same/similar message to ten different girls that you don’t know anything about. It makes you come off as desperate and needy.

Thirdly, even if she talks to you, it’s very hard to get her attracted as all the stuff that actually creates the butterfly feeling, like strong eye contact, smile, confidence, assertiveness, humour, etc., are very hard to replicate over text.

And even then, you gotta meet her in real life at some point, right? What will your shy, introverted and underconfident ass do then?

But when I tell guys that you actually have a way higher chance of instantly standing out by approaching women in the real life, they look at me as if I just told them that the Earth is flat.

I’m pointing this out because I used to be the same. Socially underconfident, kinda weird, working remotely with zero natural access to people. And I realised that I have to actively prioritize my social and dating life or things will never magically get better.

And now, as someone who has dated every girl through cold approach, let me tell you something: the biggest obstacle stopping most men from initiating conversations with women IRL is approach anxiety and a fear of rejection.

So, let’s talk about both for a moment.

Approach anxiety

This can be can be roughly summed up by overthinking all the bad scenarios that can happen + a general fear of going out of your comfort zone. So, thoughts like:

“the girl will get offended”

“the girl will slap me”

“she’ll call the police”

“people around me will beat me up”

For the most part, these things almost never happen if you approach in a respectful and non-creepy way, and that basically means approaching with strong eye contact, a genuine smile, a firm voice, and a genuine non-sexual compliment.

Worst case scenario, a girl will politely excuse herself and exit the conversation because she’s equally, if not more, scared of you than you are of her. Lol

Plus, I’ve approached hundreds, if not thousands, of women and I’ve never had anything bad happen to me. In fact, even when girls “reject” me, they often really appreciate me starting the conversation and making their day.

But no matter what I say, these thoughts will not go away until you actually go do an approach and show your brain proof that “see, nothing happened.”

It’s like stage fear. You logically know the crowd isn’t going to kill you or anything but your body responds like it’s in danger. Fast heartbeat, hands shaking, voice trembling, etc.

And no matter how much you try to convince yourself that nothing bad will happen, your body will only relax once you’ve been on stage multiple times.

In fact, the same feeling you once considered “fear” or “anxiety” starts to feel like “excitement” and “high” when you’ve done it many times.

Same with cold showers in the winters. You can never logically convince yourself to get under the shower. You just have to force yourself and go for it.

Also, don’t put too much pressure on yourself. Lower the bar for what you consider a successful approach.

Approach without any agenda. You’re not approaching her to get married, get a date, or even a number. You just want to say hi and everything that happens after that is a bonus. But you win, the moment you say hi.

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Fear of rejection

Firstly, many people try to avoid rejection like it’s the plague but I don’t understand why.

I think rejections are awesome. Rejections will only scare you when you’re trying to measure your own self worth through someone else’s approval.

When I approach someone, I don’t do it to get their approval or validation. In fact, I see it as me offering them fun, positive emotions. They can take it or leave it. I don’t NEED anything from them.

Also, I would much rather put myself out there and let the other person “reject” me than REJECT MYSELF from trying.

Because the other person is rejecting my approach. They just don’t know enough about me to reject me as a PERSON.

But me, on the other hand?

I know everything about myself. And if I reject ME, what am I telling myself? That I’m not even worthy of trying?

Fuck that.

I would rather go to ten job interviews and get rejected so that I know I need to improve myself than not attempt any interview at all because I care more about protecting my fragile, false sense of self than doing what needs to be done to get the result.

Also, worst case scenario, you finally approach and get yourself completely embarrassed. You come off absolutely cringe, lame, and corny. Now what? Your worst fear has come true. It can’t get any worse from there. You’re free now lol.

“Only when you have lost everything are you free to do anything”

Final thoughts

I’m sharing this because many of you are at that stage where you can no longer tell yourself “I still have time.” The urgency to sort this part of life is becoming real.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t think you should get into a relationship just because of society’s pressure or FOMO. But it’s also true that as humans we crave connection, especially intimacy. And there’s nothing wrong with actively working on that part of your life if you’re not fully satisfied with it.

Hope this helps. I have immense amount of empathy for guys who experience this because I’ve been there myself. But what I’ll say, and this is what I wanna leave with, is — fear doesn’t respond to logic. It only responds to action.

I regularly post content aimed at helping Indian men in their 20s and 30s build a thriving social and dating life without relying on dating apps, DMs, or arranged marriage. Subscribe to stay tuned…

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In that moment, your mind thinks: What if I could walk up, start a genuine conversation, and turn that chance encounter into a coffee date, a casual adventure, or something deeper if the vibe clicks?

For most Indian guys in their 20s and 30s, this feels like a fantasy. Something only possible in movies or for the “lucky” ones.

You can’t imagine yourself approaching her. What if she gets offended, calls you creepy, or causes a scene? Or maybe you push past the nerves, but then what? Your mind goes blank. No idea how to open naturally or keep the chat flowing beyond awkward small talk.

But you’re not happy with your existing options either. It’s frustrating to know that the only path to meeting new women is your non-existent friend circle, swiping endlessly on apps that crush your confidence, or waiting for an arranged setup that puts the final nail in your self-esteem’s coffin.

A bit about me: I’m RD, average-to-below-average looking, dusky-skinned, 5’6”, and I grew up poor in a world that sold me a lie: work hard, build a great resume, and respect (plus women) will follow.

As a kid, I got bullied, so I became the class clown just to survive, accepting laughs at my expense because it was better than being invisible.

My dating life? A nightmare.

I begged one girl for a year until she pitied me with a yes. Orbited another for two years while she dated others, then watched her flirt with my friend right in front of me. I blamed everything: my looks, height, skin, lack of money, status.

I eventually reached a breaking point. I decided to turn my life around.

Over the next 4–5 years, I forced myself to talk to everyone. Men, women, grandmas, EVERYONE. I learned to socialize, flirt, lead conversations, and build real connections on my terms.

Now, I can approach anyone anywhere, create attraction, grab a number, or even go on a spontaneous instant date. It sounds wild (and borderline impossible) but I’ve done it countless times, and so have guys I’ve taught and learned from, pulling off adventures I can’t even share publicly.

This is for you if:

• You think no girl will ever like you because you’re ugly, short, or poor.

• You constantly compare yourself to tall, good-looking guys or toxic ones who somehow “get” women, breeding resentment and a belief that life is unfair.

• You’re still obsessed with that one girl who’s friendzoned you for years, or worse, barely knows you exist.

• The terror of being labeled a creep or causing a scene paralyzes you from starting conversations with women you find attractive.

• Your self-esteem is shattered from zero matches on apps, leaving you feeling invisible and unworthy.

• You’re slowly losing hope, turning your vibrant 20s and 30s into a rut of “what ifs” and you feel the loneliness echoing in quiet evenings.

What if I told you:

• You can build a thriving social and dating life no matter if you’re ugly, short, poor, or low status.

• You can start conversations with strangers anywhere without coming off creepy.

• You can talk to girls, learn their stories, and potentially get their number or take them on a date.

• You’ll never wonder “what to talk about.” You’ll know exactly what to say. Ice-breakers that feel authentic to Indian contexts, follow-ups that build intrigue, turning small talk into flirty chats that lead to laughs, teasing, and shared stories until you’re exchanging numbers or heading off for a spontaneous chai date.

• You can meet and date new girls every week without ever opening dating apps or sliding into DMs and failing miserably.

• You can date on your terms and find girls who are on the same page, whether you’re looking for hookups, something casual, or something serious and long-term (without judgment or manipulation).

• You can get into a deep, fulfilling relationship with someone you chose because you want to, not because she was the only one who said yes.

Your 20s and 30s will transform from frustration into a phase of personal growth, excitement, and real freedom.

Disclaimer: This isn’t about manipulating women or treating them like conquests. It’s about actionable steps to becoming someone women naturally find attractive and interesting (not in a lame self-help way).

If you’re motivated about taking action and fixing your social and dating life, I have something for you.

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This is judgement-free, no-BS space for Indian guys like you. I’ll answer your questions on dating and social skills, share practical tips you can apply immediately (like low-pressure openers for public spots or handling rejection), and discuss stuff I can’t talk about publicly.

We’ve got 60+ motivated members sharing their struggles, stories, and wins. These are guys facing the same hurdles, from zero approaches to lack of experience, all pushing for change. You can even find guys in your city to practice approaching with.

And for those ready to cut the learning curve in half: I offer 1-on-1 personal coaching, tailored guidance to go from stuck in anxiety and inexperience to getting consistent results with women, with custom plans based on your city, goals, and obstacles.

But it’s not for everyone. Book a free call to see if it’s a fit.

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