Last week I was insufferably impatient with God — so eager to jump ahead to the promises spoken over my life while simultaneously resisting and neglecting the process. I have spent hours attempting to predict the patterns of God and how He will use (insert any current circumstance or opportunity) to bring me to my next blessing.

I forfeited my sanity by attempting to take the reins from God and, naturally, I failed miserably.

God so gently reminded me that He knows us better than we know ourselves; therefore, it is vain to attempt to predict His plan using our own human limitations, as we don’t have the capacity to fathom what is “best” for us — simply because we don’t have the data that God has to make that assessment. He reminded me that attempting to take the reins from Him is a waste of time and mental energy, which will prohibit us from stewarding, nurturing, and learning from our current blessings or circumstances.

We have the power through Christ Jesus to live according to His word, show up each day with authority, and rest in His perfect plan. That is all we are responsible for.

I prayed something along the lines of this at my desk today: “You’re God, and I am Noel, and trying to be you is exhausting and making my back hurt. I will control what I can control and outsource the rest to you. I will follow you, rest in you, and steward my current blessings well. I love you, I trust you, and I let go. Also, I am only 24 years old and rebuke this back pain in your name. Amen.”

This is a basic and brief reflection that was on my heart to share. It’s interesting how long it can take for your heart and head to catch up with one another.

Praise God,

Noel E Wright-Foster

Psalms 62:5-8 ⁵Yes, my soul, find rest in God; hope comes from him.⁶ Truly he is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.⁷ My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge.⁸ Trust in him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.

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By my surprise, grief paid me a visit the beginning of the year. It certainly did not knock; this visit was abrupt, intense, and it lingered (where is its home training?).

When grief arrived I had no choice but to invite it in, as it would have knocked my door down if I hadn’t, and I cannot afford to add any extra fees to my rent; DC is expensive! Though I wanted to, I didn’t run, hide, or barricade my door because it has taught me that in the past if I do, it will meet me again with more intensity. So I let it sit with me; made it a cup of coffee and whatnot. It was after a couple of weeks that I recognize that this visit, though intense, was different from the others.

God made me a curious woman; I need to know the why of everything. Naturally, I looked to God and asked Him no short of 20 plus times a day, “Lord, why is it here again?”, ”What does it want from me?”, “Please teach me how to make my time with it go faster”, “It was just here, why does it visit so frequently?”. Scripture talks often about adversity and hardship, but the Lord specifically led me to 2 Corinthians 12:7-10, which reads

7“Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. 8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong”

When I read this passage, I wept for an hour straight. In the midst of grief’s visit, there were days that the Lord supernaturally picked me up to get me through the door, because my strength alone was surely not sufficient. The Lord during this time sent me a community who spoke truth and life within me each week. Every single day I was on my face with the Lord and in constant conversation with Him; I was fully dependent on Him throughout grief’s visit. I don’t want to entertain the thought of going through grief again without the truth of God and His presence guiding me through. If you choose to interact with grief, it opens up the deepest parts of your heart and forces you to look inward, and as you grow in understanding of yourself, you can in turn have a more intimate and raw relationship with the Lord (and other people). I thought to myself after reading this passage ‘if Christ’s power is within me giving me the strength each day in the midst of grief and my weakness, what can His power do when I overcome grief; where will He take me when grief leaves and I am left with a sanctified and healed version of the woman that God has called me to be?’.

I also leaned on Paul in Romans 5:3-4, which reads

“3 Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope.

So, God’s response was clear. Grief is here to (1) have me depend more on Him (2) sanctify me into the woman that God is calling me to be, and (3) breed perseverance, character and hope within my spirit. I will just need to endure it.

OK cool – I am OK with grief being here for a bit.

Remember when I said that this visit was different? It was different because I met grief through the lens of Christ, which is something I hadn’t done well in the past. I was reminded of its purpose and its purpose was clear throughout its stay.

So as time went on, by the grace of God my relationship with grief shifted. I still didn’t like it, but I felt, learned, and interacted with it. I understood it. Grief has been here for about 3 months now and it’s starting to pack its suitcase. Instead of making grief a cup of coffee from my raggedy 6-year-old Keurig, I think I will make it a latte with my new Nespresso.

Grief – I won’t miss you and I still don’t enjoy seeing you, but I understand and embrace your visit. I know we will meet again and I am hoping you don’t come back anytime soon, but when you do, I hope it’s a knock, but if it’s not, I understand.

Until we meet again,

Noel E Wright-Foster

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