Relational Trauma cannot be healed in a therapy session.

Unfortunately, therapy does not treat everything. But it not being extremely effective in treating relational trauma at its core really pisses me off.

Here’s the thing…

When someone experiences repeated harmful experiences within their relationships, whether familial or romantic or platonic, it significantly impacts the ability to feel safe and regulated when interacting with others over time. These experiences can also develop into core beliefs that we hold about ourselves, relationships and others that the brain will reference when navigating future experiences.

This can result in the brain searching for similar situations that reinforce beliefs even if they are unwanted. This is why you see people engage in toxic or abusive relationships over and over again… not because they want to but because the brain doesn’t have anything else to reference.

But while the brain has found familiarity in the experiences, that doesn’t take away from the nervous system reacting to the trauma that resurfaces every time we engage in relationships.

The quick and sudden anxieties, cognitive distortions, flight and fight responses, freezing and reacting, doubling down and self sabotaging. All ways to find control over the overwhelming fear.

When this happens, the prefrontal cortex (our working brain) shuts down. And the amygdala fires up.

But a lot of work done in the therapeutic space is done with the prefrontal cortex. Insight building, exploring themes, discussing earlier experiences, identifying beliefs all require an active prefrontal cortex because of the complexity of thought that process requires.

But the amygdala is survival, its instinct, its whatever is available to maintain safety. It doesn’t care about skills, insight, emotional processing or identifying options. It doesn’t give a fuck about the prefrontal cortex has to say.

All of that insight and processing means little when the amygdala takes over. And that is because when the trauma is activated, thought reduces and instincts kick in. And that is what is so fucking frustrating. We do all this work to understand ourselves and then we keep reacting the same way we have historically. This is why insight isn’t a guarantee to a changed outcome. ESPECIALLY with relational trauma or attachment.

So how can therapy play a role in this process that would be more effective than simply building insight around the relational trauma?

Learning skills and grounding techniques to help manage crisis zones.

Identifying early warning signs that alert you, you are becoming activated and need to step back.

Role play interactions and apply skills in real time to habituate the practice.

Receive and implement homework that encourages you to date, interact and engage with others. Discuss areas of self-sabotage, skill implementation, rupture and repair, core beliefs.

Therapy can be a tool to develop the practice of action and correction but it does not replace it. You cannot heal the impacts of trauma through simply talking about it. You have to expose your nervous system to environments that would incline the nervous system to respond and then self soothe and manage the responses in real time.

You have to collect new data long enough to collect data about you.

About the you now, not the you that once existed.

If your therapy work is staying within the room, you will be devastated at the lack of progress you will make.

The nervous system will never learn to regulate through thought.

It regulates through breath and movement.

Don’t forget to take a deep breath before diving in.

The fear will fade quicker when you expect it coming.

But the experiences will create confidence that extends far after the fear disappears.

The world opens up when we walk with fear instead of running away from it.

It was a solid strategy.

That was until I became my worst enemy. The person I could guarantee could and would hurt me more than anyone else. The person who had the ability to place myself in situations that risked my life. Until every environment became a living hell because I couldn’t leave my mind behind. And at some point, everyone could see it. And once they could see it, they took advantage of it.

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But it does bring up a question I have been grappling with for a while.

Is therapy perpetuating loneliness?

Therapy is an incredible process that many do not get the opportunity to explore. It allows a person to sit and talk about their experiences, life events, emotions, trauma, relationships in ways that can help develop self compassion and validation. It cultivates the skillset of being able to contextualize emotions, situations and experiences and interweaves life together which allows a person to see themselves as multifaceted, deeply layered and complex. And that can be incredibly empowering and drive motivation to do incredibly difficult work.

And therapy itself can look a million different ways: skill-based, focused problem solving, trauma, relational, between people or families, body-based, group, intensive and daily support, person-centered, solution oriented etc.

We as therapists’ are trained to validate your experiences as your own and create a space for you to feel heard, understood, seen and supported in ways that many are not trained or capable to do. But we are limited to what you share in that space, which means, we can only contextualize your experiences off your report. We don’t get to hear how your experiences cross compare to those around you; your family, your peers, your friends, your colleagues, your partner.

The reality of this process includes a few risks that I think can exasperate loneliness:

1. Due to the way you narrate your life, we may be validating or supporting behaviors or perspectives that aren’t fully contextualized or valid.

2. Our ability to support and demonstrate unconditional positive regard can be used as a standard in which others have to show up in your life which isn’t realistic, fair or reasonable.

3. When engaging in therapy without proper community, your story can become so narrated that you start to feel like a victim of your circumstances that others can’t understand or compete with.

4. Your gained insight towards your triggers, childhood, trauma or mental illness can develop into an entitlement to the accommodations of other people.

Sometimes, I wonder if the cravings of wanting to know ourselves so deeply and in such detail actually distances ourselves from having capacity to know and understand others.

Can the brain physically do both at the same time? Or are we constantly setting aside one to grab onto the other?

And is the normalization of therapy also creating this belief that self-exploration can only be done in the chair across from a therapist? Are we forgetting that self-exploration happens in experiences, when observing, creating, when showing up or supporting others, when making decisions?

Is understanding ourselves so intensely even the goal? Or the thing that traps us within our minds, which restricts are access to the things around us?

I find myself resisting the deep analysis of my inner thoughts because I don’t see it to be deeply beneficial? I find it to be static, without an outcome, and often without purpose. Sometimes, I worry that therapy reinforces the idea that only the experiences that can be processed out loud or through words are important. I worry that the experiences that can’t be defined end up not counting. That if we can’t prove it exists through the conscious ability to see it and explain it, that it isn’t there.

If therapy is where we go to talk about our problems, do we naturally start to look for problems? If we have a person who supports and validates and listens and connects patterns in ways others can’t, are we removing urgency to build community elsewhere?

I don’t know, is the commodification of everything including relationships pushing our field into becoming paid friends and support systems? Instead of trained professionals that people use for specific focus areas. What then, becomes the line between medical necessity and reinforcing loneliness through a paid social hour?

I’m going to be honest, it freaks me out. It scares me how difficult it is to make friends, how hard it is to start a conversation, how low people’s capacity is to do hard things, how the messaging about “keeping your peace” and “showing up for yourself before you can show up for others” and “if they wanted to they would” has turned into bullshit code for avoidance, selfishness and individualism.

And therapists are perpetuating it.

And we wrap it with a warm smile, slow head nods and praise.

These are creative things I would love for therapists (including myself) to do more often to assist in the loneliness epidemic:

1. Use sessions to find social events, groups, facebook groups etc. Use the time to schedule plans with others, sign up for things, buy tickets, and explore a plan ahead.

2. Place more emphasis on protective barriers before diving into deeper work; nutrition, social supports, exercise/movement, sleep, creative exploration, purpose.

3. Homework. Homework. Homework. There is no sustained change without action and action does not happen in the room, it happens outside of it.

4. Role play conversations and then ask the client to describe back what they recall happening in the role-play. Poke holes in their perception through real life interactions.

5. Validating perspectives is super important but if it is being used to justify further isolating themselves, then there is work to be done. Sometimes, feeling right doesn’t outweigh the consequences of losing those around you.

6. Be more clear about the ways in which therapists should not become standards of care that you receive from others in your personal life. Plot twist: We are this kind, supported and validating to the person you probably hate/don’t agree with (it’s our job, sorry babes).

7. Find their comfort areas and place limits, find their courage zones and challenge them. Start small, track it, praise the effort not the outcomes.

8. Identify a clear picture of who they are working towards-personality traits, strengths, qualities, achievements, relationships. It’s easy to know what we don’t want, it’s harder to pinpoint what we want. Goals become easier to achieve when we know what we’re working towards. (And I’m not talking about the goal, I’m talking about what type person would achieve the goal).

9. Have a cap on how many times they get to process on certain subjects (work, colleagues, roommates, small inconveniences, repeated conflicts). LET THEM KNOW- “This is the fourth time we’ve explored this particular situation and agreed to cap this conversation at six, do you want to talk about this now or wait for another time?”

10. Spend 5-15 minutes of a session doing something courageous: dance like no one is watching, sing out loud, shoot your shot to someone, draw or paint and show what you created, yell really loud, sprint as fast as you can, try to do the worm, see how many squats you can do in 1 minute. BE EMBARRASSED. BE SCARED, BE COURAGEOUS, BE ASHAMED. DO IT. FEEL IT. Because it’s a safe space here.

11. LET THEM GO. DISCHARGE. TERMINATE. GET THEM THE FUCK OUT OF THERAPY. THAT IS AND WILL ALWAYS BE THE GOAL.

We as therapists have the ability to help people cultivate a life that is brilliant and exceptional and full of purpose and connections. And I am worried that we are fostering dependency and reinforcing loneliness.

I’d like to think that we are not the community but a bridge to people finding their own community. And that is an honor.

A few weeks ago, I wrote about my resentment towards healing. How I feel like I lost opportunities throughout my 20’s to connect, to experience, to be flexible and build communities. I started to see how previous resentment from an older era was introducing itself into my present life. How quickly my resentment towards “healing” and therapy blended into irritability towards my relationships, my current experiences and myself. But the truth is, reflecting on this old chapter catapulted me into a distorted lens of reality that impacted how I feel about my life today.

I realized quite quickly, Hattie, wake the fuck up? I have incredible friends? I go out all the time, experience new things, adore myself, connect with others, date others, have compassion towards change and challenges? I AM WRITING A BOOK. I have a career? The resentful girl in my 20’s does not determine me in my 30’s.

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And we need both to be a whole human being.

Feeling sad, scared, being rejected, disappointed, making mistakes, failing, grieving, hurting someone, hurting ourselves, relationships ending, setting limits, creating discipline and routine and changing are all uncomfortable and unpleasant experiences. And all these experiences provide lessons that can teach us about capacity, compassion, connection, effort, accountability, resentment, letting go/holding on, helping others/receiving help, isolation, discipline, courage and trust.

Feeling joy, happiness, safety, stability, being loved, having community, achieving goals, being good at something, being recognized, being authentic, resting, taking vacations, laughing, connecting, feeling beautiful and touch are all comfortable and pleasant experiences (or maybe something we are hoping to feel pleasant and comfortable and are working on that). And all of these experiences provide lessons that can teach us about worth, confidence, authenticity, rest, indulgence, ego, limits, impermanence, love, gratitude and contribution.

Pleasant experiences can motivate us to take care of ourselves and engage in admirable acts while unpleasant experiences can teach us to love ourselves even when capacity is limited. Both contribute to the development of worth and compassion but when engaging in both, it creates a balanced expansion of self.

By simply experiencing life, sure, we will learn lessons. But to be intentional and present in each part of it makes a conscious effort to develop into the person who will fully cherish the life we are living.

I didn’t always feel this way; I am a classic avoidant and would rather throw myself into a workout, a bong, or my routine before sitting and acknowledging my emotions. And maybe it’s the go-getter in me but when I realized that me avoiding those experiences was me limiting my self development.. I became more curious.

I made a promise to myself moving forward.

I practice to be incredibly grateful to the pleasant and comfortable experiences because I once did not feel I deserved them. I promise to not latch onto good moments in hopes they never leave. I promise to honor the lessons that come with these experiences even after the experiences have left.

I practice to be incredibly kind to the unpleasant and uncomfortable experiences because I know with them, brings lessons I haven’t learned yet. Gifts I haven’t opened. I no longer rush them out the front door like unwanted guests. But invite them with curiosity knowing they are vessels to truths I benefit from receiving.

Because the goal is not to have a frictionless life. Life isn’t about achieving all things we attempt; it’s about failing and learning which achievements were worth pursuing. Life isn’t about finding people who will never leave us; it’s about contributing to communities that have capacity to contribute back even when the people who make up those communities change. Life isn’t about figuring out who you are; it’s deciding who you want to be.

To be present and feel deeply, across the full spectrum of all experiences, is profoundly courageous.

And I honor the version of myself that appreciates all facets of life by immersing myself in all experiences.

Grab your coffee; it’s time to hear a therapist talk about her resentment with therapy.

I started therapy in 7th grade after intense depressive symptoms and anxious spirals led me to hurt myself both physically and emotionally. I would love to tell myself that I didn’t see it coming… the several years of mental health treatments that would plague my adolescent and young adult years. But the identities that formed around my mental health were almost immediate. And the intensity in which my mental health climbed was staggering. It was as if overnight, I decided that I would never be the same person ever again.

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But outside the closed blinds and the shut door exists a road well traveled. Emotions that come and knock on my door to deliver messages, communicate needs, ask me to hear their stories and offer snacks, water or rest. My home becomes the critical pitstop that allows these emotions to feel rested and capable to continue their journey.

Sometimes, I can even tell which emotion will show up to my door based on what my home feels like. When I sense the urge to isolate or nitpick situations.

This week, I had a few emotions stop by: sadness, stress and anxiety. If I’m being honest, I don’t always hear their first knock. When the door is shut, and my music is blasting and I’m moving from room to room. If I’m being really honest, sometimes I ignore their knocking even when I do hear it.

But that is the thing with emotions; they keep coming back until they have what they need to continue their journey.

So, I open the door and I welcome them in.

Something about them felt like seeing old friends. It had been a while since these three had showed up on my doorstop.

“Welcome in, what do you need?”

Anxiety spoke first (she always does) and usually does so while simultaneously bouncing from room to room. Talking with her always makes me feel a little restless but she knows that her energy is better served on the open road anyway so she usually wants to get out of here as quickly as I do. She talked about all the things she has been working on, how excited she is to take everything on but glanced over at stress and sadness before making her request.

“There is so much I want to do, but I am getting a little overwhelmed and not properly managing expectations of what I can get done in a day. Can we do something fun instead of always working so hard?”

And I look at her with an open heart and nod my head, she stops pacing and is able to sit down on the couch. We game plan a few things we can do together before she leaves.

I looked at stress as they just rested their head on anxiety’s shoulders. Stress never needs a whole lot from me, they know that I know why they are here. Stress is stubborn and direct but I find when I acknowledge their presence.. my shoulders feel lighter. I assure them I will slow down and agree to let myself make mistakes and stay playful amongst the stressors.

Anxiety and stress get up and grab their things as they wish me a farewell. I ask them if they need anything from me before they leave, they hold my hands and thank me for my hospitality but that they have other pitstops to make and the sun is setting soon. I tell them they are welcome back anytime.

I close the door and turn and face sadness. I’ve learned that sadness often needs more time than the other two so I let her get comfortable as I grab a warm blanket and some tea. I am deeply protective of sadness, she is a dear friend of mine but sometimes my history with her makes it harder for me to effectively support her. Sometimes, I find myself jumping into problem solving before asking her what she needs.

But she doesn’t need to be fixed; she needs to be listened to. Sadness often arrives at my doorstep when she is lonely. Sometimes, I imagine other people slamming the door on her because they don’t want her to come in knowing she stays a little longer than the others.

But I missed her. I have missed her being in my home. So we sat on the couch with a big blanket and warm tea and talked. She told me stories and I listened with curiosity instead of looking for ways to fix her.

And she spoke about wanting new experiences, wanting love and connection, wanting to be a part of a community. I validated her and we came up with some ways to prioritize connection and community. Not to fix her but to show that I hear her.

She gathered her things with a belly full of soft giggles and hope. She gave me a big hug and walked out the front door.

And instead of closing the door, I left it open. And I told her she can come back anytime. On her way out she saw joy and hope waiting for her with open arms. They linked arms and carried on until their laughs soften with distance.

Emotions were never meant to be settlers.

We were never meant to lock them inside.

They have no desire to make my home their own.

And when we grip onto them too tightly, without the willingness to accept them as travelers, we close the doors on all of the others.

Who all have brilliant stories and lessons and desires and requests.

The longer we spend ignoring their door knocks, the more drastic measures they take to get in the house.

I remember thinking that if I could just identify the perfect “flags” list, that I would be able to find the exact person I’m looking for and achieving the relationship status would be effortless. I sat down with a pink colored-ink pen and a notebook and started exploring all the various flags in a person: family-oriented, fit, funny, judgmental, distant, bad communicator, stable career or financially well off, inconsistent, toooo sarcastic, a prankster. Don’t even get me started on the “icks” category like shoving an egregious amount of sweat pant material into a crew sock or toes gripping over flip flops.

And while creating the list, I could imagine a specific person-an imaginary character I’d read about in a novel, the knight in shining armor to my tumultuous history of love, sex and romance.

The list was perfect.

Red flags: Emotionally avoidant/unavailable, rude/disrespectful, no job, active and excessive substance use, inconsistent communication or randomly ghosting, doesn’t take care of themselves, reactive, sexualizes me, doesn’t protect me, motivated by only selfish desires.

Yellow flags: Not many hobbies, isolated, ambivalence towards goals, lateness, inconsistent texting, poor spending habits, defensive when angry, rushing intimacy, idealizing me early on.

Green flags: Consistent, kind, emotionally available, intelligent, stable career, fit/healthy, funny, nonjudgmental, friends/hobbies, strong sense of self, authentic style, family-oriented, driven.

Now, when I made this list-it didn’t take long for me to realize I wasn’t working out, had no friends or hobbies, using drugs and alcohol almost daily, wasn’t healthy, didn’t have a stable job, was emotionally unavailable, no ability to communicate consistently unless I was rushing intimacy due to idealizing someone and reactive.

(Damn you years of therapy and my need to self-reflect even when I don’t want to)

Yeah, creating the flags list was real fun until I looked at the green flags and asked if that person would want to be in a relationship with me.

They did not.

Fortunately, the exercise wasn’t wasted-it just became a list of qualities that I needed to work on rather than seek in someone else. And over time, my confidence grew knowing that I was becoming the version of myself that my green flags would want as a partner. But also a version of myself that knew I had all the qualities that I was once seeking in someone else, which lessened the intensity of needing to be picked or chosen.

So boom, I’m all the things. I’m healthy, reliable, more consistent, funny, great career, friends and hobbies, driven, family-oriented, minimized bad habits and worked on emotional availability.

And what does anyone do when they are dating and meeting new people?

I talked about it! I watched videos online, talked to my girlfriends, compared first date stories and analyzed micro interactions to confirm whether or not this was the one.

It didn’t take long before I felt overwhelmed at how different people felt about behaviors. It felt like the red, yellow and green flags that were initially a subjective measure of what I was looking for were actually clearly defined categories that were pre-established and I never got the list. Like walking into class not knowing there is an exam and never receiving a study guide.

“If they don’t text you everyday they don’t like you”

Well shit, sometimes I’m not the best texter.

“The first date has to be X, Y or Z otherwise he isn’t taking you seriously”

Damn, we had a really fun time but I guess I didn’t think about it like that?

“If he doesn’t introduce you to his friends, he isn’t serious about you”

Wait, they haven’t met my friends or family.. but I really like him?

And then Anwar White stumbled across my TikTok and spoke to this exact observation. An incredible dating coach with over one million followers, they somehow manage to continuously ground me in my dating experience and provide concrete tools and perspectives to help simplify the process.

He mentions that red or green flags should not be based on the behavior itself but how it makes the individual feel. Because we are not monolithic, we all have different opinions, needs and desired qualities and when we categorize behavior rather than measure the impact, we lose the nuance of individuality in relationships and dating.

A busy nurse might find daily texting to be exhausting while another person may need daily communication to reinforce connection and depth in the dynamic. Someone may prefer to see their partner once a week while another may find it important to see them 2-3x/week. One person may want to be introduced to the family within the first few months, while another might find that to be too soon and prefer a longer timeline.

The behavior itself holds less value than the impact of the behavior on the person.

Two things happen when we apply this to relationships.

1. We learn more about ourselves; we become more connected to our internal experiences in relation to the external experiences. It keeps ourselves grounded and centered throughout the process of meeting others, ensuring the connection is aligned with our needs based on how this person makes us feel. We stop rationalizing behaviors or making excuses.

   And let me be clear that we should not use our emotions as the only driving force of decision making with regard to dating and relationships because as we know, our emotions can be influenced by trauma, past experiences, insecurities, anxious attachments that can also lead to faulty thought patterns and distort reality. But it’s important to know that we won’t always agree with others on what we define as red, yellow and green flags. And instead of siking ourselves out or worse, letting go of a connection based on the perception of others.. We can honor the variety of ways we all have different wants and needs.

2. It expands options. When we allow connection to be based on how we feel, instead of a list of things we are looking for-we remove the unhelpful conditions in which we think love can only exist in. We contextualize the entire experience instead of nitpicking singular actions. We hold ourselves accountable throughout the process. We also acknowledge that people are not placed in our life to perform for us and the criteria we have mentally created.

   If I had a terrible day at work and then was criticized for not texting back fast enough instead of met with curiosity in regard to my absence, I would feel like this person doesn’t see me within my own life. And because we know someone’s behaviors often live within larger contexts, I can be mindful to not criticize/villainize others actions. And knowing that behaviors will be judged and perceived differently by those around me, I can spend more time thinking and talking about how this connection makes me feel, what it provokes, and drives me to do. Instead of attempting to categorize a person based on their actions or lack thereof.

So I made a new list, of things I want to feel:

Loved, listened to, calm, vulnerable, challenged, motivated, inspired, creative, curious, kind, charismatic, outgoing, playful, flirty, sexy, seen, understood, intense, angry, sad, driven, passionate, compassionate, empathic, studious, eager, jealous, envious and caring.

What are some behaviors that others may deem as red or yellow flags, but you don’t find as negative or dealbreakers for your own relationship?

Oh, the wonderful world of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. As a behavioral therapist, I adore and base most of my work on the evidence-based trio: Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and Acceptance & Commitment Therapy (ACT). But I figured what better way to explore the theory of CBT than using a real life example to analyze how thoughts and beliefs impact not only the decisions we make but the people we pursue.

Cognitive behavioral therapy highlights the important connection between our thoughts and behaviors. The theory argues that the way we think often extends our suffering and eventually those unhelpful thought patterns start to develop belief systems that we use to examine life through. It also believes that our thoughts and emotions influence decision making and behaviors. Therefore, in a CBT lens-change can either occur in action or in thought.

While changing thought, we can challenge a thought with evidence or defuse a thought with distance. Thought challenging can look like challenging a belief that “nobody loves me” by identifying friends and family who enjoy spending time with us. Or challenging the thought that “I will never be successful” after getting rejected from a job by identifying 2-3 ways we succeeded in the past or overcame rejection.

Not all things can be challenged with evidence so thought defusion helps us detach from thoughts. Thoughts aren’t “us” so instead of saying “nobody wants me” we can say, “I’m having the thought that nobody wants me and that makes me feel sad”. This allows us to acknowledge that thoughts can stem from anyone/where/thing and not an indicator of what is true or valid. By going a step further and naming the feeling, we can also take better care of ourselves through self care, connecting with others, taking pause with that feeling before making a decision.

CBT also believes that we can change an action and a thought will follow. We can go to the gym despite not wanting to and then feel great afterwards. We can think about not wanting to go somewhere and then afterwards having a great time and feeling grateful we went. This is called behavioral activation and we use it quite a bit to challenge emotional urges.

So let’s walk through my own little relationship history and how it could be analyzed through CBT shall we?

1st “relationship”: I met a guy when I was in 10th grade and fell deep for him. He was older, creative, artsy, well-dressed, mysterious, cool and didn’t go to my school. I met him at a friends house and my heart dropped when I first saw him. While things were mostly sexual, my brain loved to idealize something more as the teenage girl became more smitten. Wasn’t long before people informed me he had a girlfriend that would come over after I had left and he was using me. The dynamic became a years long back and forth of ending things and going back to him hoping one day he would pick me (listen, self worth wasn’t my strong suit back then).

Feelings: Devastated, used, inadequate, insecure, anxious, angry, jealous.

Thoughts: You’re so dumb, you will never be enough, no one likes you, you’re not good enough, you are good for sex but not love

Beliefs: Sex is not romantic, I’m not good enough, I should expect to work harder in a relationship than him, I have to prove to someone why I’m enough

The first experience is significant because it’s the first set of information the brain uses to understand this “thing” (relationships, love, sex, intimacy etc). Unfortunately, mine was a chaotic, inconsistent, tumultuous and a sex-crazed mess.

After several years, I noticed that consistencies were developing:

Not being good enough made me petrified that nobody would actually commit to me which made me terrified of commitment altogether.

Categorizing sex as different from romance meant the more I liked someone or the more romantic someone was to me, made me feel less sexually attracted to them.

If a man was consistent, romantic and interested, I often found myself less attracted to them because it contradicted with the chase I was used to engaging in.

Afraid of commitment had me pursue men who are emotionally unavailable or avoidant so I didn’t have to worry about taking the next step.

I became attracted to people who are great in person but absent in all other ways because it created excitement/turmoil when trying to figure out if they liked me or not.

It highlights the question, “Is our type just our trauma?”

As a therapist who works with CBT all day long, it’s easy for me to pick apart my thoughts and behaviors and self-analyze (honestly, it’s so obnoxious to be able to do this and I wish I could shut it off). But what makes it so difficult is that we can know all of this, and our heart still flutters for the person who mimics our trauma. I still find myself becoming entangled with men who I rationalize as different from the men in my past because on paper maybe they might be.

But it isn’t the quality of the man that I need to be solely focused on. It’s the habits that creep up in ME when I am dating someone. The second guessing, the over analyzing, the reduced self-esteem, the need to impress them, the need to show them I am worthy. Because these beliefs don’t discriminate, they will follow you into a healthy relationship too.

So at times, its meant being extra cautious of my distorted thoughts-using fact checking, thought challenging and thought defusion to manage thought spirals. Sometimes, it means moving in a different direction-not texting back, writing down the message in a notes app and closing it, talking it out instead of ghosting or shutting down. And sometimes, it means walking away knowing I managed to find a man that surfaced that broken teenage girl in me.. And not to heal her but to pick a fight with her.

The hardest part about having introspection and insight to this process is developing the skill to walk away and disengage. To let go of the “what ifs” or “maybe it’ll be different if he can just understand what I’m feeling or how much I care”… Because the relationship I want in life doesn’t require me to fight for my worth. It doesn’t require me to fight for a relationship that hasn’t started yet. The relationship I am looking for has both deep emotional connection, physical chemistry and respect and admiration.

One day, I will find the relationship that I have been working so hard to allow my nervous system to receive: respectful, creative, humorous, intelligent, loving, passionate, willing and curious.

But for now, I continue to challenge thoughts that do not serve me. I introduce behaviors and experiences that challenge the beliefs I have developed towards love and others. I allow myself to be loved and seen and walk away from environments or situations where I do not feel that.

I am 30 years old still trying to break the cycle that initially developed when I was 15. But man, have I learned a lot along the way.

If you are interested in exploring CBT thoughts and beliefs about yourself, head over to my TikTok @Hottytot and purchase my CBT/ACT Workbook located in my linktree found in my bio! Summer Sale happening now!

Most of the time the only things you lose are what was built for a person you no longer are

Brianna Wiest

I isolated from men because I was humiliated at the way she sought attention.

I stopped investing in friendships because of the way she destroyed hers through the process of being picked.

I took care of my health because she gave up hers in pursuance of chaos.

I assess for risks because she never gave a fuck about any of them for eight years.

It wasn’t until I started preaching the quote, “You can’t hate yourself into loving yourself” during therapy sessions that something clicked for me.

It wasn’t that I didn’t love her but struggled to respect her, to admire her, to envy her strengths. The courage. The trust. The attitude.

It wasn’t enough to love that version of myself, I needed to offer her a second chance.

A second chance to experience life without the pressure of being loved because I am already loved.

The chance to be authentic in relationships because I am already secure.

The chance to date and explore intimacy because I am no longer terrified.

So I decided to do the scariest thing anyone can do…

Go look at my Facebook albums from high school.

Through the use of real photos I took through my adolescence; here are 5 ways I’m introducing my teenage self into my current adult experiences:

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As someone who is not currently in therapy, it’s important to identify the ways that I strengthen and support my mental health. Gaining awareness of what effectively aids in my mental health provides clarity on what tools I can lean on when I need them. Despite me getting sick, getting my period, having an incredibly hard work week and didn’t work out once, I had a really great week and I wanted to explore what helped mentally.

1. Achievement. Listen, I get it.. “Hustle culture” and this current economy makes even me question how working hard is possibly contributing to my mental health. But this week was a tough and busy week and I crushed it. There is no better feeling than working hard and having that effort acknowledged by those around you. I grew more confident in my work this week especially acclimating to my new environment. On top of that, I have started working on my new DBT workbook and the beginning stages of a book. I feel driven, inspired and connected to my values while also feeling challenged, nervous and scared.

   1. Pursuing something that is difficult and uncertain creates confidence and energizes me to push the limits of my own capabilities. Whether that be within work, a new craft, creating a new routine, or taking a risk. What’s something you’re pursuing that feels challenging and rewarding?

2. Rest. I didn’t workout and don’t feel bad about it. I went on walks, napped, took baths and long showers, sat outside and went to bed early. Years ago, straying away from my routine would cause me to feel shame and criticize myself for not being productive. Practicing self-compassion when my body needs something other than exercise and work has allowed me to gain trust in my flexibility.

   1. Our bodies, minds and capacity are not linear. Believing that my body always needs the same thing because I have a routine neglects the varieties of needs my body has. Making sure I am allowing myself to rest-without screens, expectations or criticism has allowed me to feel more connected to myself. What are some creative ways to rest that feel thoughtful towards your needs?

3. Dance. I fucking danced. I went to an Afropunk rave this weekend and wrapped up the night with 16 thousand steps of blissful movement. I laughed with friends and danced without giving a fuck. I realized this week how important moving my body freely is for both my physical and mental health. I’ve noticed in the last few years how much more I dance throughout the day and it brings me such joy. I want to feel connected to my whimsy and start playing again. I want to skip more. I want to laugh more. I want to dance more. I want to jump more. I want to hug and hold hands more. I want to color more.

   1. Making sure that I am doing things that bring me joy seems obvious but it’s easy to get stuck in mundane routines. Making a legitimate effort to attend events, talk to strangers, contribute to others’ and laugh has been fundamental in keeping my mood elevated. When was the last time you danced like no one was watching?

4. Contribution. I got off early on Friday and decided to take myself to happy hour and stop in some stores. I walked a mile to the area and realized the spot I had in mind was closed for an event as were the stores for Juneteenth. I sat somewhere else and the margarita was so bad I sent it back and felt irritated that I walked all this way for $14 mediocre nachos. As I decided to cut my losses and head home, I met a charming man who was recently discharged from the hospital. We talked while making our way to a Walgreens; I helped him get a pack of beer and an American Express gift card. We walked to the bus stop and hugged and said goodbye. I walked home elated.

   1. One of the most impactful ways I have found to brighten my mood is contribute positively to someone else. Whether that is checking in on a friend, talking to a stranger, donating to a good cause, asking about someone else’s life when struggling with my own. I feel more connected to my community, my values, and my joy. How do you contribute to someone else’s life and what do you notice in your mood afterwards?

5. Relationships. I invested in my relationships this week, and they invested in me. I sat at the pool and celebrated Cara’s birthday with friends. I got breakfast with Billy, my LA fitness grandpa who I have been working out with for over 2 years. I danced with Daryl and Lucy. I watched girls with Yaphet. I met Aaron and expanded my community. I grew closer to my colleagues. I connected to wonderful strangers on Live. I checked in with my parents.

   1. I spent so many years convincing myself that to be alone is to be safe. That no one can pop my bubble if I kept everyone at a distance. That I would be happier if I could control all parts of my life. I’ve never been so grateful of the relationships in my life and the community that has welcomed me. It makes me feel fuller, lighter and brighter knowing I am woven into the fabric of other people’s lives and them in mine. How do your relationships around you make you feel more connected to yourself?

This week was full of big wins. The best part is that these wins are accessible and not founded in chance. To feel in control of the way I support myself, the way that I allow others to support me, the way I support others makes me feel exponentially better in the day to day. I am so grateful of the challenges this week as those often become the measurable events of our growth.

“To love yourself is to engage in behaviors you admire.”

I am not shy about my relational trauma and dating life. As a self-proclaimed “certified first-date goer” and also a 30-year-old woman who has never been in a relationship, I’ve accepted I’m not as much of a rarity as I thought. And while shame would lead me to believe that “I’m not good enough”, I’m a good enough therapist to know that it is my classic avoidant and hyper-independence. Now whether that is because of my Aquarius sun, the 4% water in my chart, my deep noncommittal or trauma… Who is to say.

Through the development of my hyper-independence, I’ve developed the belief that I would lose myself in a relationship. That my habits, my routine, my productivity, my dreams would fall to the waist side as I become enmeshed in love.

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Working with teenagers has made me see in real time how younger generations struggle to identify and sit with their thoughts and emotions. I began thinking about how this developed in me when I was younger and realized the answer lied within boredom. It was sitting in a bedroom after an argument with parents, gazing out the car window while the radio plays in the back, walking to a friends house without a CD player, watching commercials for 2 minutes before the movie came back on the television, waiting for a parent to pick me up after school. It was the variety of ways in which I sat with my thoughts and feelings that developed the tolerance to think and feel.

And of course, a decreased tolerance to sit with our own thoughts and emotions negatively impacts our overall health over time. In comparison, when we can feel more, we know more, when we have the language to share that with others, we can receive more support (this is why emotion vocabulary is so important in the work we do). But I worry there is another detrimental impact of the reduced ability to sit with thought/emotions; it strips down the individuality of thought. If we are always consuming someone else’s content, we lose connection to our own.

Sitting in silence after an argument was a place to reflect on what happened, how to regulate, how to assess who was “right” and “wrong” and how to self soothe. Sitting in a car while a parent ran errands increases comfortability in delayed gratification; waiting for the song you like to play on the radio, getting a treat as a reward for riding along, waiting in the car while a parent runs into a store. Waiting for pick up after school offered 20 minutes to reflect on the school day and map out the to-do list once home.

If we are constantly stimulated, we don’t get to explore our inner world. If we don’t sit with boredom long enough to explore what’s within it, we lose out on what is meant for us.

If we’re never bored.. truly bored (not doomscrolling bored), we won’t sit long enough to figure out what’s worthy of our time.

Putting phones down isn’t just about reducing anxiety and increasing self esteem and feeling more productive.. It’s the key to figuring out who you are; what you spend time thinking about, who you think about, how you feel about yourself, what you feel is missing in your life?

Drowning out our thoughts does not make them go away in the same way that closing a door on a crying baby won’t stop the baby from crying. Both the baby’s crying and overwhelming thoughts are communicating a need-a need that only can be met if we are curious enough to figure out what it is.

We are intelligent, complicated, robust, creative, driven, powerful creatures and many of us are unintentionally suppressing those innate human qualities in search of distraction. We have become convinced that the mind, when allowed to roam, is the problem instead of the mechanisms that keeps the mind from roaming.

I predict that we will become less emotionally aware as the reliance on distraction increases… but I also believe true individuality would be greatly impacted. And I’m not sure what I fear more.

Colloquially speaking, our brains are hard-wired to focus on the negative. The human brain evolved with a “negativity bias,” says mindfulness expert Metta McGarvey, which gives negative events and thoughts a proportionally greater impact on our memory and psychological state than positive ones. From a survival standpoint, it makes sense — strong recollection of bad experiences means we’re more likely to learn from mistakes and avoid a life-threatening situation.

When I was a teenager, the onset of depression came out of nowhere; no particular events, no buried unresolved trauma or school bullying. I was convinced that the things that brought me joy were no longer aligned with this emerging identity; dark, twisted, careless, hopeless, critical. The core belief that, “I’m not deserving of good things” manifested in every part of my life. It showed up in the environments I put myself in, the men I dated, the friends I kept, the way I hurt myself, the way I let others hurt me, the way I ostracized the ones who cared and the goals I set (or did not set) for myself.

And here is the thing that may rub some people the wrong way-I experienced an egregious amount of trauma AND I was responsible for placing myself in a lot of situations where trauma occurred because of how poorly I thought about myself and the belief that only bad things happen. And this was important for me to realize because it allowed me to be accountable for those years AND validate that what happened to me was horrible.

Just because we have a hand in our trauma, does not minimize the impact of the trauma.

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When I became a therapist; I grappled with what kind of therapist I would be. How would I approach pain? Relationships? Politics? Prior to graduate school, I was a sociology major with a focus on mass incarceration. The classes I took in undergrad are still painted with crystal-clear details: Sociology of Sexuality, US prison systems, Homelessness in Chicago, MLK Jr and Malcolm X (friends or foes), Sociology of Societies, Sociology of music.

It was like every lecture, I learned a secret about the government, society and history that everyone should know. I know exactly why we have medical forms in multiple languages after our government non-consensually forced sterilizations on hispanic women. I learned about MLK Jr’s radicalism towards the end of his career that no one talks about when we celebrate him. I learned about the 13th amendment loophole and how the slave system is alive and well today due to our dependence on slave labor for our current economy. I learned about the redlining in Chicago that has contributed to perpetual violence and racism in this city. I learned about James Baldwin’s work, who would become one of my favorite people.

Every lecture, my brain broke and healed into a more systems-based perspective. I started to see people as a part of a larger fabric of history, culture and systemic factors. I knew it was a privilege to access this kind of information. To be able to throw away an undergraduate degree on courses that didn’t guarantee a high-paying job (or a job at all-que up me entering the corporate sales force after graduation). So when I became a therapist, I thought surely my macro-lens, systems based approach would be at the forefront of the work I did.

I quickly learned that when I am sitting across from someone-I am not working with systems but an individual inside of systems. An individual who has relationship problems, work problems, self esteem problems, difficulty with routines, anxiety and depression AND feels the weight and pressure of the world around them.

And when I think back on everything I’ve learned-the activism, the rebellions, the protests, the change and turmoil. I think of one quote that embodied the work I wanted to do as a therapist:

“During the darkest days of the AIDS crisis, we buried our friends in the morning, we protested in the afternoon, and we danced all night. The dance kept us in the fight because it was the dance we were fighting for.” Dan Savage

I wanted to be a therapist who centered joy as the most rebellious thing we can do in our current society. I want everyone to know that to laugh, to move your body, to spend time talking to others, to eat a good meal, to dance, to compliment a stranger, to go to a show, to write and create, to take a weekend road trip, to create new memories is the biggest fuck you to our political powers.

The internet has allowed us to access more information than our brain was ever supposed to manage at a pace that our brain was never equipped to handle. And sometimes, there is a voice that tells us “how can we be happy, or enjoy things when there is so much bad in this world?” But the outcome of that thought process is isolation, defeat and hopelessness. What do we do when we are lonely or isolated? We shop, we order things, we doom scroll, we invest in the systems that billionaires profit from.

Joy is radicalism. And I’m not talking about joy as expensive or extravagant experiences. I am talking about joy in connection, in engagement, in curiosity, in exploring.

So when I think about who I am as a therapist; I think about the process of redefining what joy, pain, fear, resilience, discipline and resistance means to us:

I believe that joy is radical; it’s choosing to center yourself in a life that doesn’t always feel like it’s yours. I believe that pain is inevitable; it’s the thing that anchors what you want and what is important in life. I believe that fear is connected to most achievements; if you avoid fear, you avoid your dreams. I believe that resilience is self-driven; to walk towards fear to align yourself closer with your goals is courageous. And I believe discipline when built around your values is the ultimate fuck you to the systems that work diligently to remove your individuality.

Feel the pain, the fear, the resistance with the intensity that it deserves, then drive that emotional intensity into action that reclaims control, then tap into joy as the most significant form of radicalism. I believe through this process-we honor the emotions without ruminating, we acknowledge the duality of life, we keep a stake in the way our life unfolds.

That is radicalism.

That is the most liberating Fuck You I can think of.

That is the work I want to be a part of.

“Despair is a sin. I believe that. It is easy to be bleak about the human race, but there are people who have proved to me that we can be better than we are”. -James Baldwin

And maybe that was because all of my previous relationships in life required me to neglect parts of myself that the only way to prioritize myself was to eliminate relationships from my life altogether.

And with each abandoned relationship, I developed a healthier habit.

At the time I didn’t think anything of it. I was so proud of the momentum!

Little did I know that my brain was connecting patterns. Patterns I didn’t know were forming into intricate beliefs.

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It feels surreal to look bak at that time of my life and look at where I am now. To see the way in which I look at an older version of myself with distant compassion instead of a tethered soul I still connect to. And it made me think about some of the messages I received during that time of my life that created misconceptions of what Mental Health is.

1. A mental health diagnosis is not a life sentence for all people. There is growing evidence to support the bi-directional relationship between our gut, body and brain. Which means through replacing unhelpful habits with healthy ones, increasing social supports, changing environments, and allowing time to teach new lessons-the relationship with the diagnosis can also change. Meeting a diagnosis criteria at one point of your life is no indicator that you will meet that criteria in 5-10 years. What keeps people stuck is the belief that because they are diagnosed, they will always be dealing with it. When you get sick, you don’t sit and think that this will be forever-you wait for the signs to show the body is healing.

Being diagnosed with so many disorders at such a young age made understanding myself really difficult. It was hard to differentiate who I was and what my mental health was telling me I was. It took a lot of years to let go of the identities that were tied to the DSM. I wouldn’t meet criteria for any DSM disorder currently and that is contributed to my consistent connection to my values: taking care of my health, moving my body, eating whole foods, spending time with people who love and accept me, engaging in challenges that are connected to my growth.

2. The opposite of Depression or Anxiety is not happiness. A regulated nervous system still experiences all emotions with changing intensity-Irritability, sadness, joy, content, excitement, fear. And all emotions are fleeting, therefore there is no emotion/feeling that sustains itself long term once you have become “mentally healthy” or acquired a life full of all of your hopes and dreams. When the brain is very depressed or very anxious-everything becomes hard-going to work, seeing people, moving your body, maintaining routine. When that subsides, sure there is some contentment and bliss but also boredom. But that is because we learn in action and interaction. When you are mentally healthy-the boredom signals to the body that it’s capable of more than just “existing”. It wants more.

In the depths of my mental illness, my brain was a true monster. Rapid and intrusive thoughts constantly picking myself apart and weighing the rewards of the next risky and reckless move. And as I sustained a healthy brain, I noticed that my brain never stopped working in overtime-the content of my thoughts changed. In some weird fucking turn around-the intensity and distance of which I hated myself became the same intensity of which I would love myself. While simply existing was good enough for so long, the boredom pushed me into feeling capable to do more. Which drove a new identity that believed I was more.

3. Your therapist and anti-depressant is not the golden answer. You going to therapy is not going to fix all of your problems nor will the anti-depressant your prescribed. The house you can build with two tools versus 50 is what determines the size, stability and quality of the house. Your answer to mental health is not in the chair of therapy but all of the environments outside of therapy. Relying on someone or something else to “fix” the problem reinforces a belief that the individual isn’t capable of driving change in themselves.

I did enough therapy before I was 20 that another person does in a lifetime. I truly believe that everyone can benefit from experiencing a therapeutic relationship-to be seen, validated, empowered and guided through difficult times. At some point, I realized that waiting for a therapy session to learn about myself was keeping me from living a life that I was talking about in therapy. I had all the insight, all the tools, all the information-I needed to learn through action and doing. I have not been in therapy in 6-7 years and have not been on medication in 10 years. I have such a profound toolbox that I truly feel capable 99% of the time.

4. Therapy cannot be the only relationship in your life. Relationships are the catalyst to change-they become mirrors to our shadow parts. As a therapist, it is my job to ensure that my patients have social supports in their life. Not only because it helps minimize dependency on the therapeutic relationship but it exposes people to conflict, insecurities, connection and intimacy that can anchor the work that is done in therapy. Beyond that, therapy is biased because the therapist only knows what they are told. I as a therapist don’t get to watch someone in real life, I don’t know how they navigate daily stressors. The people around them do.

I spent so many years working on myself in isolation that I was convinced I could do life alone. I was so proud of everything I had built that I was terrified to let anyone in. Until I hit a crossroad and asked myself, “what did I do all of this for if I won’t let anyone see it?” I truly cannot emphasize enough that my life began to flourish with opportunities when I saw myself in a community rather a lone wolf. When I saw myself as a reflection of those around me instead of an isolated experiment. My friends have taught me patience, genuine contribution, communication, connection and flexibility. I am a better person when burdened with community than un-triggered in isolation.

5. Life is not to be lived AFTER you figured yourself out. Being immersed in life is what allows healing. There is no greater barrier than thinking that you have to be perfect or figured out before you can take risk or do the things you want. You heal relational trauma in relationships. You practice intimacy with people. You learn about yourself in mirror of others. You manage your anxiety by engaging in difficult challenges. You manage depression in routine. Stop waiting.

I thought I had to be perfect before I could expose myself to this world. As if one day, I’d come out of the hole I had been in for 8 years and everyone would Ooooh and aweeeee at my self development. But what I learned is that to heal in isolation isn’t to heal at all. It wasn’t until I threw myself into life that I saw the real me; the me that was still scared of intimacy, the rigid me with unfair expectations of others, the me that unraveled when things didn’t go as planned.

Life is prickly and hard, decisions can be overwhelming and scary, relationships are nerve-wracking and anxiety inducing; It is truly one big exposure therapy session. Those things do not go away because the depression or anxiety did. But if we hold a belief that that is the case, we may not see the progress that has been made. Please hear me when I say this.

You are not broken but have cracks, you are not unhealed but learning, you are not triggered or have a dys-regulated nervous system-you are living. You have a lifetime to engage in behaviors you admire-start today.

Happy Mother’s Day to the woman who is my everything. Kathy Awe. I am nothing without you. I am forever indebted to the sacrifices you have made for our family.

People know how they don’t want to feel and who they don’t want to be..

But many struggle to identify what they do want or who they want to be.

The issue is that if we let go of these old identities, habits, relationships or environments and don’t know what to replace those things with-the brain takes that as a void that it needs to fill. Without something to replace these old beliefs and habits-the nervous system will latch onto familiarity.

What most people bring up is the barrier to engage in a new life is due to the limiting beliefs and habits that still fester now.

But what if we created a person who had all the tools and qualities to do so?

What if you made an alter ego?

This concept of an alter ego is inspired by Kobe Bryant, who in 2003-2004 was struggling to separate personal problems from his professional career. He was losing opportunities and quickly depleting in his performance when Todd Herman helped him revive what would be one of the most exceptional careers we have seen in basketball.

Todd Herman uses social identity theory which argues that the identities we adopt predict our behavior. He eventually worked with Kobe to create his “Black Mamba” persona, an assassin-like figure on the courts. He isn’t the only one who used an alter ego to expand what was possible in their career: Beyonce (Sasha Fierce), David Bowie (Ziggy Stardust), Donald Glover (Childish Gambino), Prince (Camille) are all examples of embodying other identities.

What I enjoy the most about creating an alter ego is you are focusing on the traits of a persona and who they are, what drives them instead of thinking about the conditions of a life you find attractive.

What area of your life would benefit from having an alter ego? Work? Relationships? Socializing? Taking risks?

Do you want them to be more outgoing? funny? disciplined? less reactive? more patient?

Is it a person that exists already or someone you have created entirely on your own?

Once we have developed the identity of someone we want to be-we can tap into visualization.

A brain fact I like to discuss in therapy is that the brain can’t differentiate real-life scenarios and thinking about scenarios. This is why I can think about the meeting my boss scheduled for Monday and feel anxious, experience an increased heart beat and clammy hands. Now there are a lot of ways this can be a disadvantage-rumination, intrusive thoughts, time spent thinking about things we can’t control. AND, we can use this to our advantage.

A skill I taught in group therapy was a cope ahead plan. It sounds exactly like what it is-you identify something in the future that may emotionally activate you. You then outline skills, supports and activities you can utilize to help you cope if/when the experience causes distress. But the important step is the visualization step: You visualize yourself in the environment, becoming activated and dysregulated and using the skills you have outlined in your plan. It allows the brain to create pathways that it will reference in the future when you are in the real-life scenario.

People use visualization prior to taking an exam or presenting a major project, athletes use it before big competitions, someone with intense anxiety may use it before walking into a new job-there are a variety of ways we can use this skill to aid in our goals.

Dr. Narineh Hartoonian writes on this subject, “Visualization doesn’t just build motivation; it also strengthens your belief that the goal is within reach. This belief is a powerful driver, often making the difference between taking action and giving up too soon. If you want something to happen in your life, the process starts with thinking about it.”

So in moments where we don’t think something is possible, tap into your alter ego. And let your alter ego visualize their goals and how they will achieve them.

Go out and be a fucking badass.

There is a misconception that to be in healthy relationships means there should be no conflict. That relationships should feel easy, take little effort and immediately feel safe. But relationships involve more than just you and the person; it includes layered memories, core beliefs, emotions, experiences from our past. They are not easy, convenient or comfortable. Which makes relationships one of the most rewarding aspects of the human experience.

Relationships test our ability to cope with distress, to compromise, to listen-relationships expose shadow parts of ourselves that we can’t see on our own. You cannot heal in an empty room. Relationships are the magnifying glass to what we need to work on and exposes our tolerance to the unpleasant processes that create deeper connection, self-identity and comfortability being loved.

When I taught group curriculum, a portion of the skills would be communication skills and things we can do to strengthen our relationships. People often came back into group stating the skills didn’t work because they still got into fights. But the nature of disagreements and conflict is not a bad thing, nor can we expect to never argue with someone we love-actually I’d argue that would be problematic if you never disagreed outwardly with a loved one. The skills we use help us engage in conflict in a way that doesn’t sabotage the relationship and also helps us repair the rupture afterwards.

To use a gym metaphor, muscles are not growing when we lift the weights. The weight lifting is causing tears in the muscle which then repair during recovery-the muscles grow after the act of weight lifting, not during. Conflict allows us opportunities to repair ruptures that were created during conflict-this is what deepens our connection to others.

Here are 5 things we can do to help deepen relationships rather than avoid the unpleasant parts of relationships that create connection.

1. Let people process without trying to fix/find a solution: It is never easy to see a loved one emotionally dysregulated. There can be a natural urge to help the person by stepping into “the fixer” role and identifying ways to solve the problem. When people are experiencing high emotional intensity, they don’t have full access to the logic part of the brain. Having someone offer solutions and next steps before they are in a place to receive that can exasperate the emotional intensity and strain the relationship. Do: Ask the person what type of support they want to receive in this moment-to listen, to offer advice, to find a solution. Reminder: Find comfortability setting limits if you aren’t in a place to support. There is no relationship where people can/should be available all the time.

2. Don’t be afraid of the conflict, be intentional about the repair: To avoid conflict is to avoid connection. You will hurt people. You will do things the wrong way. You will regret decisions. You will have to apologize. You will have to pick and choose your battles. You will make people feel uncomfortable. People will make you feel uncomfortable. People will hurt you. People will irritate you. Even your greatest love will drive you insane. Learning how to speak up and engage in conflict knowing it isn’t an end-all to the relationship creates trust-in both yourself and the relationship. It also offers clarification when the relationship is not aligned with your needs. Do: If something is still on your mind after 72 hours, bring it up. Schedule a time that works for both parties (no paragraphs randomly sent during a workday unprompted). Have the conversation when you are feeling a low emotional intensity.

3. De-center yourself from other’s emotional experiences: The relationship you are a part of is one of many relationships the other person is a part of. All of us can have bad moments, low moods, crappy workdays, stress and moments where we need to be around others and moments when we need to be alone. Do: If you notice someone is off/in a bad mood and you ask if everything is okay and they say they’re fine.. Let it be. It’s the individual’s responsibility to communicate their needs. Operate off the assumption that if they don’t bring anything up, it isn’t about you or they aren’t in a place to bring it up yet. Be patient.

4. Learn your early warning signs: Conflict is healthy but when two people are too dysregulated to hear one another, the conflict becomes unproductive. Knowing your early warning signs of when you are starting to climb in emotional intensity will help you know when to take pause, walk away and try again later. For some this can be when you start interrupting, getting louder, more focused on responding than listening, for others it may be shutting down, tearing up, closed body language. Do: Communicate what’s happening in the moment. If it’s difficult to see their side or validate them because you are too irritable, let them know. The person who needs to step away also should be the person who comes back to talk about it when they are more regulated-no avoidance.

5. Be curious: Relationships will always be a place to develop compromise and flexibility. Your experience is one of many truths. Be curious, ask questions, clarify what they said, try to gain a better understanding of their experience-remember that none of us are experiencing objective reality so the person across from you could be experiencing things vastly different than you just based on their previous experiences, emotions and perception. Do: Try to walk out of conversations learning one thing about the other person you didn’t know prior. Reminder: Just because you can validate the other person’s experience does not make your experience less valid. Curiosity of others should never eliminate you communicating your side of things and just because you understand why their experience was what it was, does not mean you have to tolerate it.

“You need both inner work and relational mirrors. Without relationships, parts of yourself may remain unseen.”-Carl Jung

No… that part of life needed a different version of me-the one built and designed to withstand the suffering. The girl that had metal-sharp edges, hyper vigilance, excited by pain, comfortable with darkness, addicted to scarring, and the ability to only see 2 steps in front of her. She was defiant, manipulative, cold, abusive, selfish, persistent.. a stark contrast to the fear, insecurity, inadequacy and hurt that was buried underneath this developed armor.

The me now didn’t stand a chance.

But her? She could survive anything.

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