• Big ol’ ruffle at the bottom? CHECK

• Fun frilly sleeve cuffs? CHECK

• Anne of Green Gables-esque giant romantic collar? CHECK and CHECK

Meet the Maggie Nightgown. My love for this new style prompted me to temporarily come out of my short-lived BAM retirement. I got a sample of the Maggie before deciding to close the webshop, and while I knew it was an incredible dress, I continued with my plan to take a break.

It seemed the Maggie was destined for a cherished place in my wardrobe, AND in my suitcase for a two-week trip to Scotland and London. WELL. I wore it SO much and got so many friends requesting to order one that I had to bring it in for all of us.

In the fashion design biz, we say "this has a lot of make" when you notice the extensive workmanship of a garment, and Maggie has the make, y'all. She has a full button-down front (wear it open!), shirring at the ruffled hem and sleeves and cuffs that makes it feel oh-so romantic, and precise pin tucks down the front that give the piece shape and keep it from feeling overwhelming.

Shop the Maggie

How to wear the Maggie

In the heat of summer (and fall, let's be honest), I've been leaning into the nightgown's inherent romance but making it modern by contrasting white with black and tying in straw accessories:

These shoes strike the perfect balance (+ comfort).

This loveliest simple summer bag from my friend Andria’s line.

A big straw hat like this one or this one.

And for extra Renaissance Casual vibes, pair with a corset and these comfy linen bloomers.

In Scotland, where I enjoyed cooler weather, the Maggie layered easily with a cozy sweater, tartan scarf, and the most perfect travel boots. Look for a future post with all my Scotland outfits as inspiration for the coming lower temps.

Jodie is BACK, baby!

I couldn’t do a restock without adding the Jodie. This was the first nightgown I fell in love with when I was pregnant and looking for beautiful, flex-sized pieces that would still feel special after baby (and bonus, it’s nursing friendly).

Now it’s the piece I grab on hot days when I want nothing touching my body. I throw it on after a shower to romance simple days around my house, and I almost always include it as some gorgeous layer in my Ren Faire garb.

Shop the Jodie

As I write, we're more than half sold out, so don't sleep on this (sorry, had to.) And remember— while the name says nightgown, the styling says otherwise. Go shop both before they're gone!

xo-Hillary

She sits down with her freshly microwaved coffee to begin the task of lacing, crossing back and forth, tugging the unraveling thread at the end of the tie to coax the lace through the hand-sewn eyelets. As she sits next to her son, she thinks how good it is that she’s doing this simple task in his presence. How quaint. How artisanal, doing this task by hand. Not even on her phone, she thinks, and a quiet impression of her son noticing how good and artisanal and not on her phone his mom is floats through her mind.

Once laced and set aside, she slips on the black linen blouse procured the day before during the marathon visit to the aptly named Renaissance Pleasure Faire. It’s from a favorite vendor, this time in a smaller size and different color than the one she already owns for a slightly different silhouette and because it’s just that good. She’s already thinking about getting more.

Loosening the laces at bottom and tightening them at the top, she wriggles the corset over her head, lifting arms up and down, lifting breasts up and down. Now to tighten, which is surprisingly easy, pulling down the lace ends, tugging out the X’s above, til she’s comfortably snatched. She could go further, but there’s no need on a Sunday morning.

Next a short video is filmed in the mirror. She turns to one side and then the next, moves her weight from one hip to the other, lips lightly pursed and eyes smized and lowered to watch the screen. She sends it, busies herself, and pretends not to wait.

An enthusiastic audio message appears in return.

She quickly puts on her noise canceling, over-the-ear headphones, a choice made for privacy, and because her more demure AirPods have been lost in the house for a couple weeks, seemingly so close at hand they could be watching all this.

It’s a message from her wife.

More accurately, ‘wife.’ She used to call her female friends, ‘girlfriends’ but at this point she prefers the exchange of a serious commitment. One wife, her first and most serious, has been with her for exactly 33 years and 7 months. A relationship that started in homeroom, when she invited this prospective girlfriend to her beloved local County Fair, an invitation the prospective girlfriend quickly declined (she remains repelled by large crowds to this day.) Yet the door was opened, and despite many years and miles, they are more in love than ever.

She spent the morning of January 1st in the ER with another wife. Her wife had slipped down the wet wood steps in her backyard late the night before (not drunk) and woke up worried about the pain and the emerging headache. The woman rushed to her wife’s side, delicately put on the wife’s socks, guided her feet into some sneakers, and helped her in the car. In the ER, the wife was okay, and she was shaken. Newly single after many years (good riddance), the wife’s eyes welled up with the enormity of being by herself. The woman looked into her wife’s glossy eyes, “I’m here. You’re NOT alone.” and she meant it with the seriousness of committing to care for someone for the rest of their life.

The woman is giddy to hear her wife’s voice through her noise canceling, over-the-ear headphones. “It’s vampire. It’s like very magical, very mystical and whimsical but a way that we haven’t tapped into yet in like a New Orleans in the 1800s like voodoo way I’m very into it. It looks gorgeous.” and “I’m literally looking at the photos as I’m recording this the neckline like the shape of the neckline and then having the square underneath. Wow I’m still looking I’m still looking.”

Wow I’m still looking I’m still looking.

I’m here. You’re NOT alone.

More in love than ever.

And the woman understands— Happy wife, happy life.

But I’m getting ahead of myself and I’ve been gone a while. Let me back up and share what’s been going on–

I just closed Bliss And Mischief, my brand of 12 years. Or more accurately, I closed the web shop. And am leaving room for opening it back up if/when the time is right (for you Bravo babes, I consider it ‘on pause’ like Dorinda.)

The morning after the last election I said I’m done. I want to be nimble, I don’t want to have a bunch of backstock, or to navigate cash flow swings. And I’ve felt something else brewing that needs time to come together.

Right now, closing is exciting and a relief. But I fear being invisible. Irrelevant. I’m not sure what closing has cost me yet, but the most powerful things I done have happened before I’ve “known.” Here’s what I’m navigating–

What Bliss and Mischief Was

BAM was pure creative fire at the beginning. I had just split from the vintage brand I shared with a friend and had a new head-of-design job. I wanted something just for me. I was following my hunches – combining Hollywood western wear, vintage denim, chainstitch, and nostalgic tees, but with intention and quality that was on my terms. No compromise. And most importantly it was joyful – elevated, cool, but with a wink. I wanted to make pieces that would be incredible vintage finds that people would hold onto and pass down. It felt deeply validating to do something close to my heart and be so well received.

What I Know Now

From the beginning I imagined something small and DTC but then Matches Fashion came calling and I had to pick up. I went with all the momentum of the prestige wholesale accounts and great press, and I’m glad I did. But in my heart, I wanted a small sustainable business, not a big business. I’ve come home to the fact that I want to be an artist, not an operator — those are two completely different jobs that us small business folk often think are the same thing. Or we spend years trying to figure out why one is always suffering.

When I had a lovely little boy in 2021, I had already started to downshift my business and that timing was impeccable. I was making beautiful block printed bedding that I still sleep on every night. I started carrying nightgowns from a UK brand that I fell in love with when I was pregnant. A quieter chapter that felt right and gave me space to think about what I wanted and navigate becoming a parent.

By the end, even the rare, frustrated customer email — a missing package, something out of my control — felt simply not worth my time. Someone spending money at my business deserves a good experience, and being the sole person absorbing problems (and feeling resentful) meant neither of us were getting that. The feeling was a symptom telling me it was time to move on. I’m grateful for every person who ever bought something from me. And I’m also grateful to recognize when it’s time to shift.

The In-Between

I’ve been workin’, ya’ll. I’ve always freelanced on and off, but the last couple years I’ve prioritized working for others, choosing that acceleration over BAM and making my decision to close easier. I’ve been doing design development for Jamie Haller, and for Ben Talley Smith. I’m extremely proud of what I’ve worked on with both. Jamie has shifted to someone in-house, but I got to be a part of her incredible growth over the last couple years, not just as a friend, but as a part of the team. And I feel so valued working with Ben. I know he trusts me and my taste and that is a huge compliment (he’s the Wizard of Jeans after all.) Something I’ve been working on with him for over a year is about to launch and I’m thrilled to see it come to fruition.

At this point in my career I have those 10,000 hours of mastery and I love the opportunity to execute that, to be tickled by my own knowledge and experience. And it’s nice to simply get paid, something I didn’t always do with BAM.

Perhaps the biggest shift: Two years ago, I went to my first renaissance faire and now it’s my WHOLE PERSONALITY. I still can’t explain it. Upon my invitations to join, most of my friends give it a hard no. But my enthusiasm is contagious and I’m wearing them down. I also see that those who know me, trust my taste, so they’re curious to understand what I see in all this. I hope you will be too.

Wyfe of Bath

I’m dabbling in the creation of a new brand, Wyfe of Bath, that is simultaneously fully fleshed out in my mind and yet I don’t know what it is. Better said, I don’t know the offering. But Wyfe of Bath is my Ren Faire instinct incarnate. There’s a hunger for sensuality, pleasure, the erotic in the way that Audre Lorde explains it. It’s not about sexuality, but a desire to be romanced. To feel present and alive. To play! To be immersed in a world with other people in joy, in craft and music, enjoying simplicity. To be transported. And I find this renaissance realm to be a powerful in-road.

It’s named for Chaucer’s Wife of Bath — a woman who claimed pleasure as power and prized her own agency above all else. It’s feminine centered. The divine feminine that lives in all genders. It’s another world, like Bliss and Mischief is a world. It could be so many things. And despite my desire to do something completely different, it’s probably a little bit a clothing line.

What’s Next

I may start by making a corset. I think they get a misogynistic bad rap about creating a certain restrictive oppression when they really began as a supportive garment. To me, they feel like a hug or what I imagine a doggie ThunderShirt feels like. I like the shape they make and how they transform and transport. I like all the construction and workmanship. But again, it’s a desire against my better judgment. I used to make really good graphic tees — maybe I still will — and while nothing in clothing is simple, that’s about as close as you can get. A corset decidedly lands on the other end of the spectrum. But my heart wants a corset.

And don’t we all need to be laced up in case Jacob Elordi passes by and wants to give us a lift?

Mostly, I’m experimenting. Feeling out the edges of my own earned knowledge and equally earned fears. Trying to see what feels good and lights me up again – then following that down the road a bit further.

I don’t know what all of this will look like – Wyfe, BAM, this long dormant newsletter. But I wanted you to know I’m here. Still making things. Still following my hunches. Still believing that the things we make with our whole hearts are the things worth keeping.

xo-Hillary

P.S. If you’ve been here since the BAM days — thank you for still being here. I’ve missed you. I brought you over to NLFL so we can be in conversation (please chat with me in the comments!) and I hope you continue to join me here on Substack or through your inbox.

Leave a comment

Shop my favorites here. Get to know me a bit more here.

I’m so happy to be here writing this for you today. It’s been a rough week, and not to be all social-media-cryptic with you, but it’s just a reminder to me why I enjoy this space so much— Not only is it a happy place to share about things I love, but also in that sharing, I get to remind myself (and you if it’s helpful) that it feels good to keep up a creative practice even when things feel rough.

So back to the task at hand, I’ve been thinking about ‘impractical’ investment pieces. Investment pieces are usually a big ticket items that we’re encouraged to spend more on due to their classic and practical nature — Burberry trenches and quilted black Chanel bags come to mind.

While I’ve actually considered both of these items over the years, something has always held me back from purchasing. And the only real reason I can come up with is that they’re so classic and so practical, that they’re boring. No shade if you own or desire either of these - I would happily enjoy they hell out of them if they were magically in my possession - But when it comes to saving up or really going for it with a big purchase, my inner maximalist desires something more uncommon. And FUN.

The Burberry trench and the Chanel bag feel like the ‘shoulds’ of investment pieces. And I want to give us all permission to invest in something specific and unusual and distinct simply because we love it. I think the fear of going this route is that we’ll spend a big chunk of money on something so specific that we’ll get tired of it quickly, never wear it, and feel guilty. But I’d love to offer a few questions I ask myself that have helped me acquire some really special pieces that I’ve actually worn many times and will continue to enjoy:

1. Could you see it being worn in various eras/decades/time periods?

2. Is it in your colors, i.e. colors you love and are drawn to?

3. Is it functional and comfortable?

4. Can it layer with your day-to-day practical pieces?

5. Does it offer style impact within your wardrobe?

Here’s one of my favorite examples - I got the above Molly Goddard tulle top during a Matches sale right before the pandemic. Owning a new fun and frilly top like this during those no-where-to-go-for-who-knows-how-long days could’ve lead to buyers remorse but it’s proved to be an excellent purchase because it ticks all my boxes:

• I love that it feels like it came out of a Degas painting (checked off question #1)

• I love cream and black and those are easy colors to style with (check q #2)

• It has a tie closure so it is easy to wear various ways, even when 8mo pregnant (check q #3)

• Looks great over a buttondown which I own a thousand of (check q #4)

• It offers a party feel to any outfit (which really lifted my spirits during the pandemic) while also offering a huge dose of romance and frill - 2 style words I love but don’t always find easy ways to incorporate, so it does the job there (final check for q #5)

Here’s a few more ideas and examples of my kind of investment pieces:

I wore these Polly Wales earrings for my wedding and I adore wearing them on any random day. They’re comfortable, unusual, and add a tiny sparkle of color to my more basic outfits. I’m now I’m eyeing these in shades of blue.

An investment piece “should” would definitely be a black blazer, which could feel boring, but not if it’s this version by Khaite. So much style bang for your buck the fresh double breasted shape and ability to wear in various states of button. I love the idea of this over all of my striped buttondowns and I’m heavily considering this as a next big purchase.

A Jacket by Milena Silvano - Get on her email list and take the plunge on one of her jackets the next time she releases them. Even living in LA, I’ve worn mine countless times, used it as a pillow, snuggled with it for comfort, gazed at it lovingly in my closest - It’s more than a jacket to me, it’s a life long friend.

A midi-to-maxi printed silk dress is an investment category that has served me well. I think sometimes we steer clear of prints when we’re investing because they can be specific, but if it’s a beautiful iconic motif on a familiar shape, I argue that this can become a piece that works for countless events, from weddings to casual dinners with friends, to running to grab coffee as it’s layered under a big cozy sweater. And it will end up feeling like a piece of art in your closet.

The one pictured above left by Joseph was a pre-pregnancy score that I continue to wear. I’m OBSESSED with this shrimp print by Beatrice Valenzuela. I waited a bit too long and my size sold out so I snagged the skirt and shirt. I can imagine adoring any of Dries' moody and romantic printed pieces for years and layering them up to make them more casual (thinking black turtleneck + jean jacket + black cowboy boots or big grey sweater + combat boots.) Lastly, I have many printed silk vintage Indian dresses and the prices for these has really come down lately. They always make me feel feminine and like I’m floating on air, while simultaneously being very forgiving. This one, this one, and this one would be beautiful investments.

Do you have any ‘rules’ for investment pieces? Have you made any impractical choices that ended up being great scores? I’d love to hear your thoughts on this idea!

xo-Hillary

Before selling curated vintage, I unofficially interned with a long-time vintage seller, helping her in her studio occasionally and meeting her at 5am to set up her flea market booths. Since my start as a seller, I’ve done a variety of different vintage markets, from ‘Fleas to curated shows like A Current Affair, as well as beautiful contemporary craft shows with my line, Bliss And Mischief, like West Coast Craft and everyone’s favorite, Echo Park Craft Fair (rip.)

And as a shopper, I’ve been buying vintage since I was little when my parents would drag (or more accurately, bribe) me to go to all the antique malls and vintage fairs that West Michigan had to offer.

All this to say, I’ve been on both sides of bargaining in many different scenarios, and there’s absolutely right and wrong ways to ask for a discount. Sharing this here will hopefully get you the deals you're after and not make the person you’re buying from feel bad, because asked in the wrong way, it does make us sellers feel bad. And no one wants that - We just all want to have fun buying beautiful things right? Right!

The Where and the How to ask for Discounts:

Flea Markets— 

At Flea Markets, it’s pretty well assumed that there will be bargaining. But there’s still a preferred way to ask. As a shopper, my go to line is, “Is this your best price on this piece?” This allows the seller to say, “Yes it is.” because sometimes it is! But often they will take a look and offer a discount. 

Another option is to request an actual amount you’d like to pay, such as “Would you take $60 for this?” Keep in mind here, I would only make this amount 10-20% off the listed price. More than that can be considered low-balling.

Another excellent way to ask for a discount is to bundle a few items together. Especially at a Flea Market, where people are setting up and breaking down all their items in one day, they would rather go home with less. So if you’re offering to buy a few items from them, it’s that much more appealing to the seller than discounting a single item. 

You can say, “What’s your best price if I do these 3 pieces?” If you’re buying a lot of the same item, like for example when I’m buying many pairs of vintage denim, I might have the price I’d like to pay per piece in mind to offer up a total amount. Don’t be afraid to get out your calculator in this type of situation so you can be clear what you’re paying per piece. 

Bundling can also be a good way to get a discount if there’s an item you love but the price is firm. You can add in another item, and say, “If I get both of these, can you do a little better on price?” and that lets a seller feel better about discounting a special piece or to just think of it as discounting the 2nd piece (this is the ‘Flea version of Girl Math.)

‘Cash is King’ as they say, so it’s also a great way to get a discount. These days, I shop with cards, Venmo, PayPal or Zelle at ‘Fleas, but offering cash can be a way to at least bypass sales tax, if not get you a bigger discount. For this, I might ask, “Can you do a better price for all cash?” though some sellers still only take cash, so you’ll want to know that up front.

A quick primer on what not to do when asking for a discount:

This goes for any of our buying scenarios, but I’ve seen it most often at Flea Markets– Don’t ask for a discount by pointing out all the flaws something has. This has a negative energy to it, and it makes the assumption that the seller doesn’t know how to price their items. Really the opposite is true, in that often a seller has taken a lot of time to inspect their items and priced them accordingly to their condition and value, so that’s why it can feel insulting. The better thing to do here is to actually show how much you adore an item! Even if it’s saying, “This is out of my budget, but it’s SO stunning,” because sellers want items to find good homes. They want to sell to people that love what they love, so after hearing how much you adore something, they may try to find a way to make it work for you. 

Antique Malls - 

Here you’re not dealing directly with the vendors, though the person working the front desk likely has a booth there. In general, if you have a resale number you can get the sales tax waived. But you can also absolutely ask if the seller can do a discount.

For this, bring the item to the front desk and say, “I’m really interested in this item. Would you be able to find out if the seller can do a better price?” or “for $X amount” like in the Flea Market example. The person at the desk will then give the seller a call to ask. The only issue here is that there’s a chance the seller isn’t available - Best to ask while you still have some browsing to do so you can give them time to call back. 

Curated Vintage Shows - 

I would classify a curated vintage show as something that has higher-end product and dealers. Like I mentioned, A Current Affair is a great example of this. I would say you can use similar techniques to the Flea Market example, but with a bit more sensitivity. There will absolutely be buyers that don’t haggle at these markets, so I wouldn’t assume it’s the norm. The items at these shows also tend to be more collectable, so the seller’s price may be firm. Personally, I would lean into really expressing how much I love and appreciate an item to make the bartering feel less transactional. Shows like this also give you opportunities to try on garments and ask about their history and details, so you can really feel confident about your investment. 

Curated Craft Shows - 

These are shows with mainly newly-made products by high-end small businesses and makers. Echo Park Craft Fair was a gorgeous example of this, as well as markets like West Coast Craft or anything with small makers you see happen around the holidays. This is a situation where I would not recommend asking for a discount. These shows cost the vendors quite a bit in both time and money, and it’s really an opportunity to showcase their product to customers that enjoy supporting makers and are happy to pay accordingly.

Often as a seller, I would do a special event deal, like 20% off, and I would make sure everyone that came into my booth knew about it. I think at shows like these, the sellers will definitely let you know about any discounted pricing upfront because they want to grab your attention. If you reeeeally want to, you could say, “Oh I love everything! Are you doing any specials for the show?” Again, compliments always help, and this allows the seller to tell you about any discounts OR just mention something special they made for the show. 

A friend who’s also done these types of shows, recommends paying in cash or offering that as an option to see if it helps the seller out. “Is there anything you can do on the price if I pay in cash?” is something you could ask, and often the seller will deduct the amount of sales tax. 

When NOT to ask for a discount

It’s my own personal rule not to ask for a discount when I don’t ‘need’ to - I would classify this as when I already feel like I’m getting a good price for something or when I have the means to help out a small business or maker - For example, would never ask for a discount from Indigenous artisans, street vendors, or smaller vendors setting up a local crafts fair. I would much rather focus my deals on bigger businesses that build it into their margins, and I will tell you from experience that buying full price from small business folks truly makes their day!

Tell me— What’s worked for you when out there getting deals? Of if you’re a maker or seller, let us know how you’d like to be asked.

And if you have other Vintage Shopping related questions, let me know in the comments so I can add them to a future Case of the ‘Fleas!

xo-Hillary

I’ll preface this first round up by saying I’m a totally weird shopper. Many years in the fashion industry seeing how the ‘ol sausage is made has helped me develop a variety of both valid and nonsensical rules for what I purchase (this topic will be a whole post within itself.) 

Almost exclusively, I try to buy from smaller makers, brands that have a commitment to sustainability and ethical practices, and I try to find the vintage version of what I want first. I also shop at J.Crew, I’ve given Skims a whirl, and shoe purchases don’t seem to have any rhyme or reason besides what’s very pretty, luxurious, unexpected, and hopefully comfy.

Coming from this place of being a picky and highly selective shopper, I hope these picky ‘picks’ will help you discover something new and wonderful or help you look at the items you already own in a fresh light. 

Buying:

As you may have read in this previous post, I’m rebuilding my wardrobe from the ground up. And part of that is being in desperate need of good foundation wear, particularly cotton shorts I can wear under dresses that’s not shapewear-y or synthetic. Finally I found these light as air supima cotton ones and I bought them in both colors in size XL (sz L would probably also work.)

I also took a chance on this rib tank in white and even as a hard-to-please infrequent-tank-wearer, it’s already in high rotation. Will probably purchase in black as well. Only goes up to size L, which I purchased, but fit like an XL so no prob.

Eyeing: 

Feels *weird* to say for me as someone who’s exclusively worn vintage Levis or BAM denim for the last 10+ years but I think I might be interested in… weird denim?

I went to check out the new Ulla Johnson store in LA, and no shock here, it’s love-ly. I’ve actually never bought anything from the brand, but I’ve particularly always admired their editorials, runways, and spaces. This trip to the store also gave me a chance to try out their denim and I was really impressed by the authenticity. Great washes, and styles. 100% cotton which I always prefer. This style was a truly excellent vintage dupe, but I was surprised how much I like this Esme ‘bow leg’ style (Here’s another great option.) They didn’t have my size (what would’ve been their biggest offering at size 32 - whole other topic here) but I can tell if you’re in their available size range, the fits are great.

My studio mate Jamie created this excellent take on a Painter Jean, and the proximity is working on me. They have a really wonderful sculptural feel that makes me think even when the trend has died down, they’ll still have appeal. 

Retrying:

Right now, all my daily wear items hanging together has the predictable feel of Doug Funny’s closet, so I have a ton of room to retry layering in some of my more special pieces. 

I’m starting as small and as practical as possible - Vestige has been inspiring me to layer in my Bliss And Mischief short black cowboy boots with all my looks. They’ve used them in several photoshoots lately alongside some truly inspiring styling. All of a sudden vintage jeans, a white buttondown, and our sleek black cowboy boots is a slightly cooler uniform I can see myself getting behind. A tip if you’re in the market - our boots are usually made to order but we have one pair in size 9 at the studio ready to ship!

What have you been buying, eyeing, or retrying lately? I love a good show and tell!

xo-Hillary 

I planned to do my first Buying, Eyeing, & Re-trying shopping column this weekend but I didn’t account for the lack of wifi at my first solo-post-baby-getaway in the mountains. I’m going to add some links to our NLfL chat of sales I’m hitting up this weekend because they’re just too good not to share in time for you to enjoy them.

Instead, today I’m going to repost a letter I originally sent via Bliss And Mischief for Mother’s Day about the bittersweetness of being a mom when you’ve lost your mom. It was her birthday on the 29th and this often ‘easy’ holiday was unexpectedly difficult this year; a fun way that grief likes to keep us on our toes! The other thing I’ve learned about grief is it feels a little lighter when it’s shared, so this seems like good timing.

Plus, I’m including a few motherhood and grief related links at the end, because links just make everything more fun, right? Even this heavy-ass intro below, riiiiight?

Thanks for reading and lighting my load.

My mom, Ellen, passed away from cancer when I was 28. I remember feeling so grateful I had her as long as I did - after college, after I'd moved to California, and was well into my adult years, or so I thought at the time.

Now, as I find myself at 41 with a toddler, her absence is visceral, and yet I get the chance to know her better, 13 years after she's been gone.

I feel the tired sweetness in her gaze as she nurses me at a family reunion. I have felt her rage that would erupt when there were mountains of clothes all over the floor, and I certainly now understand why she fantasized in a journal entry about escaping to live by herself in a RV, traveling around unburdened and free from me and my dad.

Oh, and there's the good things too! I can close my eyes and feel my own small weight in her arms as she bounced me around. I can imagine her having the near euphoric feeling of your baby caressing you absentmindedly with their velvety hands, and I understand the kick she got from sharing the things she loved most and seeing my tiny thrill.

While many experiences as a mom have hit me like a crushing wave that didn't look so big in the distance, there's a familiarity in the experience. It reminds me of grief. And not in the sense of something I've lost, although that's certainly a part of it, but it's the deeply bittersweet feeling of being cracked wide open.

Every experience is heightened and new. Life, at least internal life, is completely different. After my mom passed away, I would think, “what's the point?” This was a melancholy take but it became a space for possibility too. I began to say, what's the point of staying in a job that I don't love and putting up with bullshit? Why not start selling vintage? Why not embroider some vintage jeans? Maybe they're ugly, but also, maybe not! What's the point of playing small? I've already lost so much, so who cares about caring.

In motherhood, I've certainly been cracked wide open. And honestly, I'm still waiting for the sweetness of possibility to blow through the windows of my mind - It hasn't quite yet. The stakes are different but grief has taught me the impossible is actually available when I'm ready.

If you're celebrating, or reflecting, or disappointed, or feeling loved, and maybe also feeling like it's not enough, I hope you allow it all. I hope in the best way possible you feel cracked wide open and in a state of awe, even if just for a moment. I hope you give yourself everything you deserve and need, or at least know it's out there for you when you're ready.

Sending you love, and sharing some favorite mom'ing and grieving things below.

xo-Hillary

Can experiencing loss actually leave us better off? Listening to Anderson Cooper's podcast, All There Is, reassured me it does. Listen in for “emotional and moving conversations about the people we lose, the things they leave behind, and how to live on - with loss, with laughter, and with love.“

Warning: Reading the book Fair Play by Eve Rodsky will probably piss you off. But it will also make you feel incredibly seen for all the invisible labor that gets handed to women. I got the deck of cards too and it's starting to make a difference in our house.

Join me in honoring all mothers by donating to #FreeBlackMamas. 80% of incarcerated women are parents. Across the nation, National Bail Out's partners and comrades are organizing to #FreeBlackMamas by bringing them safely home to their families. Give the gift of freedom to a Black Mama or caregiver who can't afford their bail: bit.ly/FreeBlackMamas2023

Oh to be a person and a parent that is “Unruffled.” Janet Lansbury's podcast always helps lighten my mental load, and experience parenting with more curiosity and ease.

The Evil Witches Newsletter is a real and witty take on parenting for “people who happen to be mothers.” This recent post hit home, especially this part: “The challenges of giving birth and new motherhood weren't simple. It had its sweet moments, but it was scary, stressful, exhausting, and boring also. Maybe part of the bittersweet feeling of watching new moms cross over is me wondering whether those feelings were wrong, and I'm a little afraid of those first-time moms might get it right, technically and emotionally, off the bat.”

The postpartum underwear roundup that *literally* no one asked for: These undies, these bras, and these nursing tanks. Great if you're pregnant, postpartum, or just like really comfy things. 

For most of my life, getting dressed has been my comfort zone. If I’m bummed out, shy, scared, uncomfortable, I dress up more and feel instantly better. This little trick isn’t working at the moment, so I’m thinking a lot about why that is. As a new parent, I bristle against the idea that I’ve lost myself. “I WILL NOT LOSE MYSELF,” I shout into the ether and maybe this holding on, I’m sorry, I mean white knuckle grasping at an idea of my former self is causing all the trouble. 

I have the new parent thing tripping me up, which calls for a lot of functionality, and then we have another aspect that’s being whispered among my friends: Age. And, shhhhh, relevance. The friends I’m whispering with and I are in our 40s, which I truly feel is young! As the great Aaliyah said, ‘age ain’t nothin’ but a number,’ and I believe that! Can you tell by the exclamation points how desperately I believe this?!?! 

But I think there’s not much cultural context for our 40s. Growing up, I know my parents were in their 40’s at some point but I was much more focused on my pre-teen to teenage self, if you can imagine that. We hear so much about your 20’s, your 30’s maybe, but then what? It appears that 40’s is a time of pretty damn official adulthood, it’s a time of ‘mid life’ and responsibility, it’s a time of maybe needing to visit a podiatrist because now your ankles and arches hurt out of nowhere. It’s a time where you wish you started a retirement fund earlier, but also wonder if the Earth will just be a flaming orb by then and 401ks won’t matter so much? Anyway, back to clothes– 

The topic of relevant style at this age is a curious one. Who are we trying to be relevant to or for? Do we really care if we’re ‘on trend,’ because this seems to be a dying concept in this time of anything-core. And trend and relevance has always been wildly subjective. I think we’re really talking about a strong sense of self. An interior world that we’re trying to convey to others through style. So in this decidedly adult time- where the weight of our current lives, futures, pasts, families, careers, etc feel so heavy, it’s easy for the self to get buried. 

I see how the functionality takes over– The leggings and the sneakers. And listen, been there, nothing wrong with that, but it really doesn’t make me feel great. I feel functional without the ‘fun.’ Adulting is already often boring, so it’s nice to at least have something interesting to look at. Yet even as I acknowledge all this, I haven’t figured out a satisfying way to express my inner self these days. The good news is ‘nothing lasts for long,’ including this weird time of not knowing ourselves. So we dig into the process, and start to excavate a new self. 

Here’s where we start:  “What’s most important right now?” followed closely by “How do I want to feel?”

Although typically not a high fashion priority, I realized in my day to day it’s most important that I'm comfortable above all else. As for how I want to feel: interesting, classic, functional, attractive (to myself at least), fun, casually luxurious, nonchalant yet put together, unique – But to narrow it down, if I just focus on ‘comfortable’ and ‘casually luxurious,’ it lifts my mood and I can feel that inner self strut around with her little chest puffed out. 

I have observed a few things that work for this comfortable/casually luxe combo that I’d love to share in the hopes they help your little inner self strut around too:

• Ankle bracelets- These make me feel surprisingly amazing. Like, disproportionately amazing. I’ve been wearing a small pearl one that Jessica Winzelberg made for my wedding, and lately I almost never take it off. Sleep with one on and wake up feeling somehow sexy. Keep it on over your slouchy tube socks and sneakers and feel like you understand something about life that no one else does. Roll it out from under your leggings as you slip on your Birks and feel like a tantric Goddess. Jessica doesn’t typically make them (but she has many other wonderful pieces to light you up,) but Beatrice Valenzuela has some beautiful anklet options right now.

• Familiar shoe styles with a luxe spin- Actually forget the Birks mentioned above and get yourself a supple and luxurious take on a classic shoe style. It just so happens that my friend and studiomate Jamie Haller is the ultimate purveyor of these currently, so this has worked out well for me. The nice thing here is you’re incorporating something into your day to day that you don’t have to ‘figure out.’ A classic loafer, ballet flat, or sandal is easy to slip into, literally and figuratively. But because the materials are outstanding and the proportions interesting, it makes me feel more chic and luxurious than when I’m wearing the standard faire.

• A very crisp and classic men’s fit buttondown, preferably vintage- To be honest, I’m torn on this recommendation because oversized buttondowns also feel like a style crutch for me at the moment, but I can’t deny the casual yet put together ease I feel in my Turnbull and Asser vintage stripe buttondown procured from Mothfood Vintage. A quick etsy search shows a few options available (hurry, before I buy them) or you can treat yourself to a newly made one straight from London. The shirt I have feels miles better than my other often worn J.Crew options, again here due to the materials, the slightly more interesting proportions, the quality, and the brand esteem. I imagine a vintage option from Brooks Brothers or Ralph Lauren would scratch this itch as well. The 80’s businessman crispness makes you feel instantly put together and classic, and like everything else, getting it vintage has the effect of making it all the more personal and curated. 

Last but not least, Denim- Duh, right? But specifically *slouchy denim* because it’s comfy, wonderfully nonchalant, but mostly because slouchy is one of the more interesting ways to wear denim right now. It sits a little lower on the waist and lends itself to pooling at the ankles for a proportion that feels simultaneously 90s nostalgic and refreshing. Vintage 501s with a waist measurement that’s 1-2” bigger than your own are always a great choice. Check out my tips for buying vintage denim online if you need some extra inspiration. I’d also be remiss if I didn’t mention my own Bliss And Mischief Denim is 30% off this weekend and a great slouchy choice when you go up 2 sizes from your usual. 

Since I’m starting from the ground up, I like that these are all approachable and easy to incorporate even in my very functional day to day. I can also imagine them styled so many different ways for different personalities, vibes, ages, and body types. But the differing proportions and unexpected details keep them from feeling basic, a dreaded term in my style world.

I’m curious what’s giving you a sartorial boost these days? Or are you as lost as I am? Either way, comment below and let’s figure it out together. 

xo-Hillary 

This is a conversation space in the Substack app that I set up exclusively for my subscribers — kind of like a group chat or live hangout. I’ll post short prompts, thoughts, and updates that come my way, and you can jump into the discussion.

To kick things off, today I’m sharing a handful of handpicked vintage denim listings for your eyes only. Check out the chat where I share links and give a few more vintage denim tips. Chime in with your denim questions here too!

To join our chat, you’ll need to download the Substack app, now available for both iOS and Android. Chats are sent via the app, not email, so turn on push notifications so you don’t miss conversation as it happens.

How to get started

1. Download the app by clicking this link or the button below. Substack Chat is now available on both iOS and Android.

Get app

2. Open the app and tap the Chat icon. It looks like two bubbles in the bottom bar, and you’ll see a row for my chat inside.

3. That’s it! Jump into my thread to say hi, and if you have any issues, check out Substack’s FAQ.

Join chat

“What’s Denim Doula?” you might ask - Here’s some background:

After I had a baby, I couldn’t wait to get back into jeans. Luckily for my fragile mental state, I had no illusions that my pre-pregnancy denim would fit, so I used a little technique I’d recently become enlightened to - When all your pants are too small, you Buy. Bigger. Pants.

Obvious of course, but most of us in a female body know how we seem to fight against this simple solution. As my size has fluctuated in the past, I’d squeeze into my same old pants, top button undone or top a’muffining until I’d realize I just need to size up and suddenly, with the struggle lifted, I’d feel more like myself again. 

So my extra gentle postpartum self got down to business, taking my new measurements and hopping online to secure some comfy new (to me) vintage Levi’s. This was the seed of how Denim Doula came to life. The other key moment was when a friend of mine, who is quite petite and could be assumed to have no issue with finding jeans or navigating a changing body, implored me to make this a service after I picked out 3 perfect pairs for her. “I would totally pay just to have someone help me find jeans,” she said. 

I took all this to Instagram to ask if this was really a thing people needed help with. Since I’ve been selling and collecting vintage denim for over 10 years, I take for granted my knack for finding great denim and picking the perfect pair for someone after just visually sizing them up.

The response really blew me away—

• So many of you wanted to know how to find jeans that fit since you had kids.

• You love how vintage jeans look on other people but they just never look right on you.

• You find just the idea of walking into a store to try on piles of denim mentally and emotionally exhausting.

And so much more... The need for a gentle and knowledgeable guide to ‘doula’ you through the denim experience was palpable. 

I started by taking some test ‘Denim Doula’ appointments with friends and then customers. The appointments were touching, emotional, and I often found people a perfect pair on the first try. All good, right? But with being a new mom and doing the primary caregiving, I couldn’t figure out how to schedule appointments with folks consistently and also make it worth the time and effort. 

So— I’m completely excited to bring Denim Doula here! I know it’s not the same as a one-on-one appointment, but I’m hoping to translate some of my knowledge in this format in hopes that it empowers you to find pairs that make you feel more like yourself and takes some of the burden off this potentially exhausting task.

Without further ado — I’ve broken down the exact method I use for finding vintage denim online in these 5 steps:

1. Get to know your own denim

This is an exercise to get you primed for looking at denim online.

• Lay out 3-5 pairs of your most loved denim, ideally non-stretch and pairs you wear often. 

• What do they have in common? Are they all lighter with a lot of fading, are they mostly the same solid color throughout with a clean feel? This will tell you the color and fade to look for (or the opposite if you’re desiring something different.) 

• When you look at the waist vs the hips, is it more straight or does the waist curve in a lot at the top? This will tell you the shape and general size to look for. Most denim online is shot laying flat on the ground so you can get an idea of the fit just by looking at the shape. 

  

2. Know your measurements

A Measuring Primer: I know measuring yourself can be uneasy for many of us, if not triggering. If that’s the case, I recommend finding a gentle person to shop with in person. However, if you’re up for this but it’s still a bit of a challenge, take a deep breath. Remind yourself that you are beautiful and cool. You are looking for a great pair of jeans to fit your beautiful body, and not for your beautiful body to have to please some random-ass jeans. Then go at this with an observer's mind like the hot denim scientist that you are. 

The 3 key measurements for finding denim are waist, hip, and inseam. Unless you find that you have a more unique waist to hip ratio, I would argue that you can mostly rely on the waist and inseam measurement. I will do another post all about the specific how-to’s of measuring yourself but this is enough to get you started.

Waist

• Measure your waist at what we call your ‘natural waist’ - Depending on your body this may be the smallest part of your waist, or overtop your belly button. Since we’re looking for high waist vintage denim, you can also think of the spot just above where the denim will sit.

• I also recommend not holding the measuring tape overly tight - having a little ease in the tape will make for a more comfortable denim choice. 

  

Hip

• Do the same for your hip measurement by placing the tape over the curviest part of your hip/butt. Again, aire on the easeful side here.

Side note: The great thing about shopping for vintage non-stretch denim is you can pretty much rely on the measurement of the jeans matching the measurements of your body. Stretch denim’s measurements will always be smaller so they can stretch to fit your body, but non-stretch should meet your right where you are. 

Inseam

To get the inseam, and as another source of info and since you have your denim out from step 1, I recommend measuring the best “fitted” pair of non-stretch jeans so you have those measurements to search with too. Again because they’re non-stretch, they should be fairly close to your body measurements, unless they are a slouchy fit. If that’s the case, and you’re looking for that, use the denim measurements rather than your body measurements.

• For the waist of the jeans — Make sure everything is completely flat, line up the front and back waistband and measure across, then double that number (ex 16” across would be 32” waist.) 

• For the hip of the jeans — Measure the hip across at about 6” down from the waistband or right about the bottom of the fly and double the number.

• Lastly, measure the inseam of your jeans from the center crotch seam down the inside leg to the hem.

3. My favorite sites to shop

• Etsy is my go-to for finding denim online because the format is clean and easy to navigate.

• eBay is next with a clunkier interface but that means you can sometimes find gems hiding out. 

• Depop is also a decent choice. Because it skews Gen Z, you’ll find that the classic faded 501s that us elder millennials love are in shorter supply but they’re there and the prices are pretty good. 

Another idea: Message a vintage seller that you love on Instagram and see if they have any denim that fits your measurements. A lot of vintage dealers won’t list their denim online since it’s so individual and easier to sell in person, but they may be happy to oblige a more specific request. Moth Food is a favorite of mine.

4. What to search

• Generally, you’re going to want to look for “vintage Levis 501.” This will bring up loads of listings, but since you’ve primed yourself with what to look for in terms of color and fade, you can skim through pretty quick. 

• For size, remember vintage denim that fits you will often look bigger than you expect. Your body is a lovely oval shape so when you lay jeans out flat they will appear bigger than your body. Keep this look/proportion in mind as you skim through listings. You can also try entering the waist size number but that can be misleading since the denim tag size is often different from the waist size.

• Open your picks in new tabs or ‘favorite’ them. Then go back and check out the measurements and details.

• You can also try searching for different vintage cuts - Levis 517s have more of a bootcut to flare leg and a straighter hip/waist. 505s can be good but only the older ones with high waists and zip flys. 509s are cool for a very nipped in waist and 80s feel. You could try searching vintage Wranglers or other brands but I think 501s are the most foolproof option unless you have a well loved pair of another brand or style to reference. 

5. What you should/n’t care about 

• Details that affect price— Things such as a special type of button or tag, or if a pair of denim is “salvage” can make the price a lot higher. Usually these are rarer and older, so they’re more expensive. If you don’t care about these details, it may not be worth the extra cost to you.

• Age— Again whether you’re willing to pay a higher price for older jeans is very subjective. Levis from the 60s and 70s are special but don’t feel like you have to get something really old for them to be good. There are many gorgeously faded 501s from the 90s, so go with the look and price that works for you.

• Stains— I would assume any stains you see on vintage denim won’t come out, but often they’re part of what ‘makes’ the look. Just steer clear of any obvious stains near the butt or crotch because that’s just a hard look to pull off.

• A too long inseam—  If a pair of jeans are great except they’re a few inches too long, this is totally fixable. Just ask a trusted tailor for an “original hem.” This will be a whole post within itself but just know it’s not a deal breaker.

• Waist Gap— If the look, hip measurement, and other details are perfect but the waist is an inch or two too big OR if you know you always have a bit of a waist gap, this is also very fixable with a good tailor.

  

Bonus tips:

• For etsy/ebay/depop- instead of purchasing right away, add the item to your favorites and the seller will often send you a coupon to use in the next day or so. There’s a small chance your pair could be scooped up by another shopper but if you’re willing to wait, you might get a nice little discount.

• Make sure the measurements listed are of the actual denim, not just the tag size. The tag size measurements are almost always several inches off. 

• When in doubt, go a little bit bigger. A slouchy Levi’s 501 is always a good look.

Phew, that was A LOT of info!

I hope this gives you some tools and confidence to find your own perfect pairs and I’d love to hear your questions too, so please comment below - What else would you like to know about buying denim online or in general? I’m also here to help with all your denim gripes so comment with those as well so I can address them in future posts.

xo-Hillary aka The Denim Doula

Welcome to Nothing Lasts for Long - A cozy place where I hope to explore the pleasure and guilt of collecting, shopping, and buying, and how we can do so with more meaning and soul. Or put another way, ‘a defense of liking stuff.’

If you step into my home, look at my brand Bliss And Mischief, or somehow get access to all my secret Pinterest boards, it’s pretty obvious that I’m a maximalist through and through. But that doesn’t stop the strange longing to wear solid neutrals from an 8 piece capsule wardrobe of The Row that I pull out from a clean-lined Kalon dresser. A dresser whose top is completely bare, save for one single bloom in a small sculptural vase. 

Instead as I write this, I’m faced with my actual dresser - a MCM style West Elm piece that merely ‘does the job’ topped with an open travel jewelry case full of necklaces spilling out, two different smudge sticks, a large abalone shell filled with smooth collected stones, matches, a shell, a candle, some other small candles wrapped up in tissue, a Claudia Rankin painted vessel filled with my mom’s ashes and the dried heart-shaped umbilical cord from my son’s birth, a small fuzzy deer figurine, a box of mostly untouched Fair Play cards, and a little drawstring dust bag filled with random items from my last dresser top clean up that I haven’t wanted to look at because I don’t know where those things will go. 

I read all about tidying, homemaking efficiencies, and paring back, yet my joy lies in seeing my stuff out and stacked up. It lies in the lustful fever I feel at a small town antique mall or while walking miles through the Rose Bowl Flea Market. It’s in scrolling Matches Fashion or Ssense for hours, loading up my wishlists, then jumping over to Etsy to try a vintage search idea that just popped into my head.

So I want to ruminate with you on our cognitive dissonance to shopping and collecting. How can we acquire things that don’t just strike the dopamine match but become a lasting part of our collected life? How can we make good use of the things we have and love already? And in turn, I want to explore our intention around getting dressed, and how what we wear and the aesthetic we create can be its own little work of art - A visceral exchange of our interior world with those around us. 

Oh, also- I have hot tips! I’ve been a clothing designer for nearly 20 years (that’s wild to write) and selling vintage professionally for close to 15, so I have secrets to share. I’ve been looking for a more intimate and conversational place to do so (sorry, IG, you ain’t it) so this will be my home for Denim Doula, my process that eases the pain of finding jeans, and any other helpful insider advice I can offer. 

If any of this sounds of interest, I hope you subscribe (for FREE! For now!) to Nothing Lasts for Long. Share with friends, comment and chat, and for a short moment in time, let’s simply bask in the joy of liking stuff, together.

xo-Hillary 

NLfL Listen of the week:

Mary Randolph Carter on "The Joy of Junk" Enjoy this NPR interview from 2018 with one of my guru’s of junk, Mary Randolph Carter. She’s authored many books on the art of collecting and has worked for many years as Ralph Lauren’s Creative Director.