In a truly traditional marriage, what the man does to provide for the family is not separate from the territory he builds for himself. The wife and children are simply an extension of his territory, and what he creates in terms of resources reflects his relationship exchange with the external world outside the home. His struggle for purpose and achievement in the external world should not be pinned on his wife & kids. Because the woman’s role during sex is to take the man as her own flesh literally and it is imprinted into the blood through a pregnancy, The easiest way to ground that intensity is for the man to take her and the children as himself and already be rooted in a very strong self love, so he can extend it as a solar force to them.

In most scenarios, this looks like the husband completely undervaluing the service of motherhood in all of its facets and positioning himself as the selfless giver and her as the selfish receiver which only creates drama which disrupts the children’s development. This unfortunate circumstance is colliding with the reality that women having children today were raised in a feminist era, and even if they want to be only a wife and mother, they aren’t going to swallow their conscience if the character of the man is less than fit. Modern women have a lower tolerance for illegitimate authority. Even women who genuinely want traditional arrangements have inherited the expectation that the man must actually be worthy of the authority the arrangement gives him. To make this even more complicated, because we live in an anti-natalist culture, many men with seemingly noble characters might completely switch it up once there are children involved because there is very little understanding of the reality of children.

There is no debt the wife and children owe the provider other than loving exchange, which will look different based on the individuals”talents and personalities, and respecting that resources going out need to be timed appropriately with resources coming in. If the provider feels unappreciated, it usually has more to do with the inability to connect, which comes from not decompressing from the responsibility of providing. A common complaint from men is that the wife owes him sex and I completely agree. However, sex in its truest form cannot happen without connection so she’s definitely not going to be able to have sex with him and risk pregnancy without reverence if he can’t even connect at all to her beforehand or after.

True shopping addictions from women are an exception to this scenario, however men have been trained to view venusian purchases which keep your girl hot as frivolous. It’s sad.

These are working class problems, obviously, but they bleed into all classes when natural order is not respected.

Consider the other

side of The Story.

The uninitiated 

male/ Sacred Boy conflict:

The Boy who has not yet

been initiated fully into Manhood,

regardless of age, might, intellect or monetary wealth, needs more 

Fathering and less Mothering.

His relationship to the external World 

is a parallel to His relationship 

to Woman. 

If His Worldly obligations are 

a burden to Him, She will be too. 

If He is still striving to

construct a sense of Manhood,

but also has a Woman

who is attached to Him,

He cannot take sincere

spiritual ownership of

Her as One Flesh, because 

He has not yet reckoned 

with His Own Flesh.

Because He has not yet

constructed the Self-esteem to

meet the obligations of Manhood,

She is of no value to Him

because She can only offer him

Maternal Solace.

He knows She

can never hold him accountable,

but He is also magnetized to Her

as She clings.

Often, He also cannot 

let go of Her easily because of the 

energetic nest He has created 

for Himself within

Her Body. He will, as The Boy, view

the Woman’s Body and 

Soulful Fusion as a trap or prison.

In actuality, the female Body

is not capable of trapping the male

orbit- only his offspring.

It is She

who plays the role

of being held down, “trapped”

within the limitations of Her Form

through the privileges

of Bleeding and Birth.

The Body of Womban was designed

for co-existence, even at the expense of

Her own vitality; not separation

and definitely not “every Man

for Himself.” Simultaneously,

the Child was also designed

to co-exist with the

presence of the Mother.

It is only

the BoyChild who requires temporary

but complete independence

from co-existence with Woman, while the 

GirlChild grows straight into 

communion with 

Her own Womb Body. 

Through this independence, He learns

to supplement the limitations of the

Mother/Child dichotomy.

In bridging Hearts through 

Relationship, One

cannot forget the limitations 

of accommodating

Her space to include another.

As He learns to Work with

The Goddess which is the external

World HerSelf, through recognizing which

actions bear fruit and which do not,

which boundaries can be crossed

and which cannot,

the BoyChild claims

His Manhood over Time.

Only then will He see

the Body of Womban

as His Salvation and greatest

Honour to tend.

Before this point, Her Body

can only be an experiment of Youth,

an outlet for his lower Nature,

his secrets, and a bitter “trap”.

He cannot help but reenact 

the same push-pull dynamic

of an innocent Boy

striving for individuation

from His Mother. 

As long as She clings to

he who has not become Him,

she holds him back from his Manhood

and plays the part

of The Devouring Mother.

The Crone is She who recognizes what

Man cannot give Her, but allows Him to

give Her everything He can.

My intention with this article is to help people understand the multidimensional aspect of astrology in regards to how both sidereal and tropical astrology can coexist simultaneously. I do not work with 12 sign sidereal. If I’m going to look at sidereal, I will use the 27 nakshatra system, which breaks each of the 12 signs into 3 parts with different planetary rulers. It’s common for people studying astrology to be very convinced that one way is the right way in the beginning or to not know that another system exists, and so they base a lot of their identity and approach to their life in one system. Then they become really skeptical, distraught or defensive when they realize that just as many people are using the other system. They question whether one was a psy-op illusion and which one it is.

I’m going to breakdown the double sided, two-way street of my Mercury placement in nakshatras and tropical and how they work together rather than cancel each other out:

In both of my natal charts, I have the Sun and Mercury on the Ascendant. Because the house of the Ascendant rules the body, and the Sun is a more defining influence than Mercury, the result is that I bring a lot of mercurial activity to anything I’m a part of but my thought processes are led by my physical body sensitivities. My intellect, which can seem larger than it is, is my attempt to translate my tactile experiences. Environments are tactile to me, and then there are sensations that have to be sorted through with mental analysis. My given name at birth means “Messenger” yet ironically I did not really get a lot of feedback that I was intelligent when I was in school, because the Mercury function of thinking, speaking, moving, and communicating was inseparable from my sensual and expressive nature and I was incapable of performing intelligence in school.

In tropical, this is a triple Taurus stack, with the Sun and Mercury in Taurus with a Taurus Ascendant. Mercury in Taurus is a very slow thinker since Taurus is represented by a bull- mostly just wants to graze, smell the flowers, and have sex but if it needs to push against something it will out-stand it always because it knows how to use the ground as leverage. With Mercury, it needs to take a long time going deep at the foundational idea before it can progress to additional details. Because I was a super obedient child with the peacemaking Taurus element, I was labeled as being smart in early elementary because I followed directions well in my early childhood. However, once I got to older elementary and middle school, I was actually one of the slowest ones at math and science because if I was ever being taught something more complex, if I didn’t get to ask the very first question that came to mind when the lesson was started about the first part of the lesson, my curiosity would tunnel into that one foundational question and everything else that was talked about would just go in one ear and out the other. I never felt like I could ask my question because it seemed like a stupid question since they had already moved way on and because I went to really competitive private schools, it didn’t seem like other students in the environment had that problem.

Because the educational system doesn’t really take into account individual learning styles and talents, this incompatibility made me pretty dissociated from the task of learning, but also in that Taurus way where it’s a really sensuous, sinking into the body in a kind of lounging way. There was a common misconception that I was vapid because I would often experience time as slowing down and stare off into space with dilated pupils, but really I was reading into the depths of the people around me with an unusual laser-like focus. In high school, I heard that someone said not to look into my eyes because I would stare into their soul. When I moved into my first menstrual cycle, I pretty much abandoned the pursuit of proving my worth with grades because I didn’t have the capacity anyway. Because I gave up early on keeping up with whatever I was supposed to understand in math and science, I became more focused on the idea of the matrix as this system which puts people through the paces of meaningless busy work. I still had to maintain an image of being smart though to earn my parent’s love, so I got really good at cheating.

In nakshatras, my first house is Mercury and Sun in Bharani, but the Ascendant in Ashwini. Both Ashwini and Bharani are a part of Aries but Bharani is a Venus ruled sign as well like Taurus. A Venus ruled Aries sign is about the grit of sexuality: birthing and the new frontier represented by any birth. With Ashwini on the Ascendant holding the force of twin physicians on twin horses galloping from town to town, it really kicks up the pace at which I search for the foundational meaning so when information is coming towards me, I will basically be led into a tunnel of awareness- this is the Taurus energy ruminating in the tropical dimension and the Bharani energy going into the summoning portal of birth in the sidereal dimension. What wants to be birthed is being carried forwards by the sidereal Aswhini force.

It’s kind of like a chinese finger trap mechanism- a biaxial braid of influences creating a the yoni portal for my curiosity to travel through. This looks like a very vapid process of fixating on the one thing I need to ask a lot of questions about before I can understand the rest of it. It wasn’t until after high school that I really started to notice that if I went into the rabbit hole and voiced my questions to someone who had way more knowledge than me about a topic, I actually ended up being able to engage them in a rich discussion which connected multiple spheres of awareness and I wasn’t viewed as stupid at all.

I am not a good listener if I can’t interrupt to address the foundational curiosity that I have. I will cut people off mid-sentence with that fast-paced Ashwini cadence, not because I don’t value hearing them, but because I care enough to be honest that I won’t understand anything until I ask my question. This is also what makes me really good at advising people because if something starts to sound like static noise I will cut them off and ask them a pointed question and in that setting, it is actually a very nurturing service. The paradox it presents though is that Aswhini influence makes it seem like my pace is careless, when the Taurus function from the tropical influence is actually searching for the most reliable and relevant focus. Both Ashwini and Taurus hate wasting Time- Ashwini doesn’t just love speed, it is the force of speed which defies Time and Taurus just wants retention of energy to make Time feel spacious.

Going back to the biaxial braid (a term I only know because I just googled what is the mechanism of a Chinese finger trap), when taking in or teaching information, I experience time in two separate chambers which I am squeezed between; the sidereal Aries influence rushing past everything irrelevant and the tropical influence remaining stationary and loyal to the foundational question. This is where someone might say astrology might be a false science because how can I be slow Taurus and fast Aries at once?

The more you work with the awareness of the natal chart from different lenses, the more you realize we are absolutely being squeezed into states of consciousness and experiences by a multitude of geometric forms which pressurize us, and they are all moving at once. Once you become aware of these two dimensions intermingling, you can start to see the people around you with the multidimensional lens as well. I do think the term “multidimensional” is played out though, so let me know if you have a better word.

The 12 year-old with the freshly bleached buzz cut, who I’ve always thought was older than he is, is in charge of the procedure.

He claims the snake ate 4 frogs in front of him just yesterday. We definitely want to see that. I’m just a girl in this world, waiting excitedly for 15 minutes to see what it looks like when a snake eats a frog alive. Nothing happens so we do tell him we are pretty sure snakes only eat that much once a week.

I’m just a girl in this world until I’m not- when the 12 year-old starts using pliers to pick up the frog by the leg way too hard, I start to get a sick feeling. I tell him it’s not okay to injure the frog. He respects that I am a mommy but claims he’s not and I say yea you just crunched his leg.

Both the frog and the snake were becoming visibly anxious. The snake wants to escape the barrel. The frog wants to escape the snake. It starts to feel sinister. The frog was definitely missing full use of his leg now.

He’s wearing a button up with a surfing Santa print. A city kid who spends his summers with grandpa at the lake. Four years ago, he would capture frogs just to caretake them in a baby pool. He invited us to his frog conservatory the first week we moved in.

He is still that sweet boy to me, with a load of manly wanting on top. Last summer his German Shepard gave my son a warning bite on the ear when they were all crammed into a makeshift club house he hammered up him self, filled with dirty rugs, & spray painted. He introduced my son to Doritos in there.

They both came crying to the doorstep, and this sweet boy moving into manhood sobbed into my armchair begging me not to have his dog reported. It’s been a full school year since then.

Next day, my three year-old insults a little girl by telling her that she is the leg on the frog the boy-man squeezed with his pincher. She has no idea what he’s talking about, but I definitely do. That small act of violence made an impact on his psyche.

A few days later, he throws a sandbag into her stomach and her mom tells her to just brush it off. I tell her she has every right to be angry. My three year-old, even though he is two years younger than her, has figured out that he has all the power over her when he calls her “pickles”.

I’m getting more manly nods from 13 year-old boys driving solo in a golf cart with a toothpick that I am from grown men. A little bit of freedom to roam and they get business face with charm to back it up.

I take my six-year-old to the park at 10 PM for some solo Mommy time, and a couple of 12 year old boys show up on their EV bikes.

The cool cats are cruising along silently and when they see my vehicle, they stop and yell “FUCK” into the parking lot. They don’t see where we are, so they keep cruising along and when we run into them, they stop like we are in a stand off

and I say

hi there

in my bubbly way

and they say we didn’t think anybody would be here

and I said it’s fine I’m just a Mom building a Sandcastle with my son.

They stare with their mouths open clearly realizing I’m not going to treat them like hooligans for their nightime ride on the beach

And then they give me these gentlemanly nods in sudden manly voices “all right well have a good night” with that type of gentleman sound that feels like a loving order and blessing he’s sure of rather than a social nicety

I got the same Jupiterian manliness on Canada Day from another 12 yr old boy when I was standing in line for face painting with my 3 year old. A boy going into Grade 7 who was more than a head taller than me is behind me in this line and this is a line we stand in for 30 minutes.

I’m fully planning on getting a little butterfly on my face but start to feel like it’s not fair for me to take a spot as an adult when the line is so long. The boys behind us are a little chatty so I mention this and the boy leans forward and looks me dead in the eyes and opens the palm of his hand in a “you first” way and says  “It’s Canada Day” the same way one would say “There’ll be no sad faces on Christmas”

I’m swinging at the beach park in my bikini in the late summer cold breeze trying to get enough sun before winter comes. Two brothers come to play around me and my kids. The older boy looks to be about 13, but huge for his age and a really meaty face and build (dare I say piggy in that old school bully way). A strong boy with a lot of padding and a bit of a mean face.

I observe him working his definitely no older than 4 brother into desperate tears for the first while and it’s so bad and inappropriate for their larger age gap, I walk over and say “Are you bullying your brother?” with a gentle voice but a lioness stance. This was not normal brotherly teasing.

He plays dumb and responds belligerently making up a story about what I saw happen definitely not happening. Because they were strangers I just said I saw how it played out and I think you need to go see your mom or dad sweetheart to the 4 year old crumpled in a heap sobbing. But I could see from the eyes in the big brother, this was most likely a case of this being how the dad treats him and so he transfers the trauma to the younger boy to get rid of it. Even though I was getting belligerence, I felt his pain deeply and the triangulation between brother and Dad. Going to the parents wouldn’t have done anything because of how much hatred had been sown between them all.

I felt at least the 4 year old had an adult speak up for him by me in that small moment.

A brother and sister who are two years apart come to play at our house regularly and the brother is older and amazing at pushing the sister into tears, and then convincing the adults that he had nothing to do with it and she’s just a little crybaby. In every other environment, he is viewed as a gentle and kind slightly nerdy boy.

When he pushes his sister to tears in our yard, I run out and tell him that I love them both, but that I’ve seen him take many secret jabs at her and I know how clever he is at hiding it and I’m not gonna turn a blind eye to it.

I can tell that being called out is actually deeply nourishing to his soul because he has been hiding in a dishonest state for years to his parents in this way. He is really great at making everyone think that his little sister is just a drama queen. A warm sheepish smile came into his eyes and he said

well that might have been then but that’s not what happened now

and I said well that’s a very clever response. But I know your game, Mr and it’s not allowed at my house.

And he said okay, okay I will stop.

These kids go to Christian school and come from a very Christian family so there’s a lot around the image being sinless and there was an exchange of love between me and the boy that I wasn’t really judging him for his game, but I wasn’t going to tolerate it without calling it out.

My oldest never starts shit with his brother and his brother is a huge jerk to him half the time. When Tancred finally retaliates, he doesn’t understand the difference between asserting dominance and risking a hospital visit. We are working on that.

Yesterday, my youngest and I were at a more secluded beach spot and a boy of maybe 15 rode up on a motorbike far too small for him. He came for a fishing trip. He was peaceful, but too skinny and slouchy to be healthy. It was touching that he chose to ride the too small bike because he wanted to go fishing goddamnit. An assertion of Manhood.

I want every boy to be loved into Manhood and not bullied into it. There is a way. But we need loving men to lead it.

The reason that people stop “glowing up”after 5 or 6 Saturn cycles is related to the fact that every Saturn cycle asks you to mature in your method of accounting for where you are living dishonestly.

Because the current and historical structures of society do not actually serve the true maturation process of the individual, we relate to Saturn as simply a Time keeper who limits your youth. Saturn rules the karmic wheel of limitations and the belief that we are simply at the mercy of the incarnation cycle of life and death, and in one frame we are. In another frame, though, almost every cell in the body is replaced over the span of 7 years, so the quality of the cells can potentially be just as healthy as what we consider youthful cells given that the cycle of life and death in each cell is continuously regenerating. Cell turnover is the buzz word of longevity products for a reason. That cell turnover is reflecting how you relate to the microcosmic death and rebirth which every Saturn cycle forces. Different tissues regenerate at different rates, reminding us that incarnation itself is an ongoing cycle of death and rebirth rather than a single event.

I will note that bones which are ruled by Saturn take up to 10 years to replenish- to me this reflects that Saturn lessons which you are prompted to complete never give immediate results. They require you to be motivated by devotion rather than immediate results.

At 7, the universal end of the “Age of Innocence” where Mother and Father are everything opens with a little drama for everyone which I heard in a Caroline Myss lecture once is characterized by you “being tested in the way you relate to the truth.” We all have a distortion cast upon us at this age, and how we relate to it will reflect the core theme of the Saturn journey through the lifetime. Aspects to Saturn, house, sign, degree are all relevant in under how this plays out for you. Personally, I have Saturn square Pluto and opposite Mars.

People discover new things about themselves when they attempt to meet the challenges of their 7 year Saturn cycle without choosing to be defeated by it. They learn how to move forward in a new way even from collapse. Ideally, 7 years gives you enough time to experience a pressure that breaks down the structures which will not endure, and also rebuild a new structure even if it does not yield results until well into the next Saturn cycle. Because Saturn governs maturity, inner child work is always relevant here because the pressures you experience will draw out the original essence of your inner child to be given the wings after you assess where the child needs better root care.

Because these Saturn cycles compound over time, the same themes will come to be revisited at a sharper edge with every progressing Saturn cycle. That sharp edge placed on the seam between where the inner child erected a structure to protect itself and what the inner child actually came here to do requires more and more bravery and accountability with each subsequent cycle. The test becomes more precise, severe, and the only reason Saturn feels cold is because of the break it asks you to make from the fear and pain body. Your mental and emotional body can be deeply intertwined with the roots of your dysfunctions. Dying to them and being reborn is a fire and ice energy signature which requires you to become more like metal element in regards to the part of yourself that needs to die to protect your life force.

It’s also important to remember that a Saturn cycle always does have a point in it where you could choose to stay in a victim mindset. You may have taken a significant loss as consequence of circumstances or choice. You may look in the mirror and have self-deprecating thoughts which you could choose to believe. You could become hopeless, cynical and bitter at this point. You could disassociate from your will to live fully. You may not see a light at the end of the tunnel, and you could choose to believe there isn’t one and you may as well check out of your body. The longer you let your body sit with stagnancy rather than activate regeneration, the faster your own body will take you out of your life. And that’s actually perfectly okay, because the cycle of human incarnation and suffering requires trial and error.

You do have free will here, but if you close the Saturn cycle without resolving your victim mindset relative to the matters at hand, the problem is that it compounds. That doesn’t mean that you can’t account for it later and regain lost youth, but it does become significantly less probable if you let the foundations of yourself rot for too long. Every seven years, you are asked to relinquish a structure, which once protected you but is now creating stagnancy. Youth, then, is not just a short-lived biological inheritance but a reflection of our willingness to repeatedly die to what is false and become accountable to what is true. Time itself is neutral. Saturn simply reveals whether we are using it to cultivate the garden of our mind and body to allow a vital heart center to replenish us, or to harden and become resistance itself.

I live in a little lake town, which serves as a resort village for weekenders in the summer. About 2/3 houses on the roads are empty most of the time, even in the summer. A third of the houses are year-round homes, and they all require hauling water because there is no local water system. The other side of the lake has a water system, so it’s more crowded. A third of the houses are pretty dilapidated. Sometimes the owners will come out for just two weekends in the summer: to open it up, and to shut it down.

I’m deeply grateful for all of the space, with the perks of small town community that are especially lively in the summer since my kids manage to play with neighbors on the weekends a lot. I can trust that my children can walk over to the other street next door pretty safely, and the mothers at the other houses will check in with me and both mothers will get a peaceful break from the children playing happily together.

My second child is a runner, and he roams the streets naked. The whole time he was 18 months to a little past 3, he would bolt out the door and run through the streets and even make his way to the boat launch before I got to him. He is a fast & mischievous berserker child. In the winter, my six-year-old could walk all over the ice with a 10 year-old on an older boy exploration. Even though I worry of course, and I wish I was not always running after my younger one, I know that I don’t need to keep as tight of a leash on my children as I would have to if they lived in the city.

I have two sweet and loyal babysitters that live within walking distance. Most of the neighbors do not know each other, but there is a general calmness and safety in the 3 mile radius of my home. Between this village and the city, there are 45 minutes of farmland to drive through. When I bring my kids to the city a couple times a week, there is stimulation and novelty that they do not get at home, but there is also danger and toxicity and jungle-like behavior.

It’s no coincidence that I have lived in a ghost town like this quite accidentally for much of my life. The perks of this arrangement I have laid out above, but what has really struck me this season is how much each of these abandoned houses represents a story of family abandonment. Houses which belonged to disabled elders, and were left to rot because no one had the time, skills, or money to keep them properly cared for.

While I love the feeling of having so much space without the pressure and politics of neighbors, I also recognize that when a home is not cared for properly and left empty & wanting yet not passed into the hands of someone who would really like to take responsibility for it, it tends to store the shadows of the family. Whether it becomes a hoarding house or a molding house or simply a memory frozen in Time that the matriarch or patriarch is trying to hold onto, it breeds a lonely vortex of everything the family learned to disassociate from and starve through. This is the energy field of a haunted house.

My ultimate dream for these ghost towns is that like-minded communities who have met on the Internet or in person and share deep convictions about the same values can simply buy up these cheap houses and work together to give each one what it needs to be a livable shelter for a family to grow in love.

What is so deeply unfortunate is that those who have trades skills rarely have these types of convictions and visions. This is what I see as the necessary task of raising boys right now, and the dharma of grown men who were not gifted these skills by the culture. The handy work and the masculine heart must be empowered to move together.

I think about the fact that most likely every one of these grown men who comes back to their abandoned family cottage and sees an insurmountable amount of tasks that he has no confidence he can achieve would give anything to go back in time and ask for more initiation and leadership from his family. I guarantee that every old man jenkins who found himself abandoning his weekend getaway would give anything to go back in Time and be a little more patient and involved with his kids, steering them in a direction that could have led to the family cottage being a place to gather in love in his old age. A place for someone in the family who is in transition to land without guilt when they need space and shelter. A place for aunties to gather with cousins and uncles to teach boys how to chop wood.

I walk past the empty houses and I see failed patriarchs and lost matriarchs. I see wasted opportunity and demoralization. My kids run feral through the streets, and I make a warm home as best I can in what feels like a cold world. Only on weekends do I worry and warn about drunk teenagers on quads or snowmobiles. People come out here to let loose, but they don’t come out here to maintain the family sanctuary. Work and school take precedence over everything, and yet all of that achieving and grinding cannot build the legacy and security of an intergenerational family estate. I walk past each abandoned home and dream up a thriving life inside. I wish they would just let me in so I can see the layout. I stare in disbelief at the ruin of the house. I wonder what depth of pain could have kept a family from caring for something as precious as a family home, and this is how I speak with the ghosts in each house.

Forest horses

Courage forces

Coming for a visit

A quiet visit

With the sex goddess

With the sex goddess

Hunted man

With gentle hands

And reverent eyes

No Time for lies

Wicked rules the land

It’s not easy being a man who understands

What’s at stake

For the Lady of the Lake

Kronos gives us just a moment to cry

Ill see you on the Kairos line

You’re off to slay the swine

While I make our Kairos castle mine

Cuz im the sex goddess

And im very modest

A quiet visit, a love exquisite

Cuz im the sex goddess

And im very modest

A quiet visit, a touch exquisite

He had a blood memory

So I gave a blood memory

He has a blood memory

So I’ll make a blood memory

I’ll make a blood memory

Because he had his blood memory

Cuz im the sex goddess

And im very modest

A quiet visit, a love exquisite

Cuz im the sex goddess

And im very modest

A quiet visit, a touch exquisite

I’ll give a blood memory

Because he has his blood memory

Here we are in our blood memory

1000 years later…

The question the art asks is: How can I maintain a daily rhythm of loving connection and expression for my child while there is hardship? This is where the difference between a coping mechanism and living the silver lining becomes important. All solutions start out as coping mechanisms, as the meeting of pressures that won’t go away; the more you choose joy in them, the more they become blessings. I will share a story from a chapter of my earlier mothering days below to demonstrate what I mean. This is just one chapter, one of the hardest chapters but still not the hardest. Yet, it haunts me enough because of the damage I felt and know it did to my eldest child when he was just 2 years old, and last night I discussed it with him at his 6.5 year old point on his timeline. I saw the silver linings and told him his story with the silver linings as equally present to the hardship.

In Winter of 2022, we found ourselves living in a 200 square feet space at our bison farm in a Saskatchewan winter (down to -40 if you don’t know) living with water scarcity and no hot shower. Below I will share the details of the misfortune, and the silver lining. The silver lining will be in bold.

We even started out sleeping in a tent for October and November which I couldn’t maintain past December 1st because once it got down to 0 degrees F, I was still nursing and having to expose my chest and neck to the air and that was not okay. We slept on brand new wool mattresses with flannel sheets and huge wool sleeping bags which did charge our bodies with strong frequency, and then when I tapped out, just me and my two year old slept on a mattress right under the Yule tree inside. The Yule tree makes all the hardship of Winter feel jolly and magical and we let every carefully placed light and ornament beam warmth at us as we fell asleep.

For a whole year previously, we had lived in the village 15 minutes away, so we had unlimited water and my then 1 year old was used to being in the sink with me all day while I hand-washed dishes, and took a bath with me everyday while his Dad was gone at the farm. At the farm, the well ran dry from years of drought when I was pregnant, and we had to live out of 250 gallon totes of water. So he just turned 2, and is constantly being monitored for using too much water and its winter in Sask. He can’t play in the sink or bath at this time, or have the genuine work outlet of stacking dishes. So after breakfast he would go out with his Daddy in the tractor and he would take on the identity of a fully grown working soldier as he suited up to go out in the cold with him, always wearing adult size gloves and preparing to be Daddy’s assistant companion. Patrick would bring him back to me asleep an hour later, and then he would sleep on the couch for another hour. He had his work ethic and identity around work formed in loving companionship with his Daddy at this time, and this was a very unique blessing. I also explained last night to him, that even though there was water scarcity and that created a lot of stress in the home, that because it was the most snowfall in the area for 30 years, the water element came through for him that way and he got to play on snow mounds so high they were twice as high as the corral panels.

This morning routine allowed me the spaciousness to be alone and channel my own energy into making money doing card readings, astrology, and relationship counseling, and despite resources being scarce, I was pulling in enough extra cash to keep a steady supply of surprise packages coming into the house for morale.

The hard times were only made worse by living in a small space with a toddler with cabin fever, no outside in-person contacts, and a man carrying enormous stress. A dynamic ensued between the restless toddler and Daddy when inside together which was heartbreaking, and I had to manage the energy within the 200 square feet so tightly. I kept this tiny space impeccably clean and lived the aesthetic minimalism I always dreamed of.

Because the tension between toddler and father created an insane amount of nervous energy in the house, when he discovered Marshmello music, we would have Mommy and son raves to make up for not going outside on the windy and horridly cold days. We did dance magic together and cleared our energy with the electronic music, and though he had no screen time until he was 2, we bonded over movies and shows as the white light of the snowfall filled the room.

As my son was helping me stack the dishes last night- a routine we never got back into after that Winter at the farmhouse when there was too much at stake for him to make a toddler’s mistake- I celebrated that despite the unfair scrutiny and temper he endured from his father as a 2 year old, he also recognized order as his father’s love language and it did endow him with a love of order which was apparent in the way he stacked the dishes. And as he did the dishes with me, he made up a little song “I have dishes in my wishes”, proving to me that despite it all I preserved his heart, his hope, and his zest for life.

I don’t wish to pretend that the circumstances I have disclosed here, and the ones too private to disclose were not damaging on many levels. Most of the time when I think of this chapter, I feel deep despair, rage and hopelessness that my precious child was exposed to hardship out of my control. That is exactly why I work to see and speak about the time for my child’s sake as a reservoir of resilience and silver linings. I also reparent his 2 and 3 year old regularly to make up for the trauma in the environment at the time, and like many mothers I have accepted all I can do is affirm that his life was not ruined by anything in childhood, just like everyone else has to come to terms with.

Our childhood traumas do determine our life path, but they do not erase the value of our life- and this is where a Mother’s faith comes in. I didn’t channel the miracle of birth for my child’s spirit to be permanently damaged by anything. A mother must narrate her child’s life with the spirit of celebration and empowerment as her creed. Our children’s journeys are altered by our narration, both in real time and looking back.

Most people who are conscious of their Cancerian energy believe that they only tend to other people’s needs and can’t advocate for their own because they are so diminishing of their self-worth. But I am going to shatter this notion because it reinforces the toxic energies of the sign. When you believe yourself to be entirely innocent, and at the mercy of other people taking advantage of you, It gives you permission to weaponize resentment, whine, complain, and avoid having a balanced conversation about one’s own needs in relation to another.

People with strong cancer energy have a talent AND compulsion of putting people in the role of patient and they are the nurse. This is usually related to their own abandoning or devouring mother complex, which they are tangled up in Because they had to embody a nurse archetype To their mother or someone in their immediate family when they were a child.

They silently volunteer to nurse others’ vulnerabilities, and bond with them on a very deep level as a caretaker. Then they become resentful that they aren’t receiving the same in return, When most of the time no one would ask or expect them to put in half the effort that they are to repairing or caretaking the wounds of others. Not to mention- it requires the patient to be incredibly vulnerably open with them, which they have the temperament to secure.

They get to play the role of beloved darling angel and that is how they get energy from the interaction. They agree to metabolize other people’s wounds or lend a hand in exchange for being named a saint.

There is a serious control dynamic going on between the nurse and the patient, and the boomerang effect of it is that the “patient” gets abandoned eventually in a huff for not returning all the consideration. This is how they gain control over their own abandoning or devouring mother complex. They get to be the source of your starvation now, after they’ve opened you up and become the source of your healing.

➡️ Insert evil laugh here

This is what goes on in Munchhausen syndrome Where the only way the mother knows how to give love is to keep the child sick. A lot of times this happens unconsciously, when the mother-child bond was characterized by an environmental trauma and they just keep reliving the trauma through symptoms and superficial medicines just to reinforce the nurse and patient relationship. The mother, of course, can only keep letting the child know she is there loyally. To move forward together though, requires a decision to identify more with faith in the future than the nurse and patient bond.

At the heart of this toxicity is usually a need for someone to recognize how unmothered they feel, and to show them your own form of nourishment and that there are many types of nourishment to draw upon. Also, recognizing that they have value outside of being a nurse. However, the nurse archetype is inherent to their natural soul makeup, and it will never be banished from their personality even if they swear off caretaking others, and like all archetypes, the shadow must be brought to light.

I didn’t expect to be so locked into Cancer rx but it’s getting deeper & deeper. This time of year in Saskatchewan, the mammatus clouds work me through with their charge.

Cancer rules over the process of opening up and closing off, and therefore Faith or suspicion about what is coming towards us. Most people are highly afraid at a deep level of becoming open because of what they believe is the nature of what is coming towards them.

Abrahamic faiths focus on the intent to receive God rather than affirm and emanate God-force from within, and this has created a fundamental wall in the psyche & body.

If you see God as separate from you, even if you stop bracing from receptivity to God, there is no way to code the space with your own intent of what to receive. This is the difference between the lunar matrix as Cancer rulership which traps the emotional body in animating frequencies like an inanimate object and the Black Sun rulership which has mastered the ability to make peace with magnetic pull into the body.

This is why the lower astral plane bites a lot of people when they “open to receive” with a Messiah love bite, or they become highly unstable after opening the crown if they cannot weave it through to their root.

Ultimately, when Cancer is in it’s shadow, it creates a power play of rejecting receptivity in favor of paranoia about the big bad wolf at the door. Or it only lets in the tides of other people’s saltiest emotional waters until it can’t take it anymore.

Whenever we struggle to be nourished, we can examine how we can change our perspective of what is coming towards us. This is the basis of Faith.

It starts with affirming deeply that what is meant to come towards you is in fact not more powerful than you but -and this is an ineffable truth which must be felt through the Cancerian waves rather than named but I will do my best- entering into relationship with your intention.

Below I will compile all of the notes I have taken during the Cancer retrograde so far:

• To prepare for this Mercury retrograde in Cancer let’s just visit the dark side of cancer for one moment:

  Cancer is so gifted at the perfect nurturing touch at just the right time whether it be in creature comforts or speaking to vulnerability, holding nonjudgmental presence.

  But it’s not usually sustainable in it’s less mature expression because they are usually consumed with playing a resentful game of peek-a-boo all of the time as well. They don’t like to be in the receptive position, because they are traumatized by their own hyper-receptivity to their environment. The result is they won’t allow themselves to trust enough to be nourished, but they will resent others for always being the recipients of their care.

  They get super intimate, hold you like a baby, then convince themselves they’ve been violated by the tone of your voice or being asked to commit to something. Then they conveniently pretend that it’s not also violating to cross a boundary in the direction AWAY from someone by becoming unreachable for several days. Silent treatment galore.

  The nonjudgmental elixir they served you which you have come to depend on turns into a highly judgmental sour drink. After all, they gave you sooo much with their super precise talent for being the balm when you needed it. They don’t deserve you all the time right?

• Men with cancer placements have a really hard time because they are inundated in the tides of female rhythms and they tend to experience it in a monstrous way. Either they are pissy, or pushovers but most go back and forth. They view women as secretive and manipulative because they feel the emotional undercurrents in the room and have a fair amount of paranoia about it.

  Women with cancer placements are so integral in crisis situations, but often have weight issues with either being underweight or overweight. Their soft tissues either become a metabolic field of other people’s emotional bodies, or an accumulation of other people’s emotional bodies.

• The ultimate initiation of Cancer placements is to understand the difference between the lunar matrix and the Black Sun UV Light which creates Life from the dark matter template.

  The line between feeling deeply the emotional residues of humanity and being defined by what you feel is the issue with weaponization of the mood
  

• In this second week of the Cancer Rx it’s a good idea to consider ways your Mother was upholding an image to hold the family together that both clouded your image of her and expected you to uphold a falsely overlayed image to “save face” for the family. This false overlay may be coming to the surface to be cleansed now. What Mommy needed you to be. There is no shame at any age in needing to examine it again. Most families have some element of this, especially if you went to church weekly.

  All of the ways that we “save face” for ourselves or our family in public is related to Capricorn so it will be directly opposing the Cancer energies which are retrograding. Hide out in your shell if you must, but you’ll need to come out with renewal or it was just escapism and a crabby attitude.

• One of the most natural reasons that women have historically not held positions of power over masses of people is not just because of dysfunctional patriarchy but also because the more visible a person is, the more vulnerable they are to demonic possession in order to loosh & harvest psychospiritual & emotional energy from groups.

  Because the womb is a magnetic field which can multiply tenfold the energy that is fed to it, it can quickly become both a devouring mother and a mecca for initiating emotional waves into the masses.

  The part where female leadership becomes more potentially toxic than male leadership is when the Mommy or Sister image is used to bait women especially into pedastalizing or sympathizing with another woman, and then the classic Madonna/Whore image of the false patriarchy takes over: it’s not enough just to admire or respect that woman, you have to base your own sense of purity over how much like her you are and how much you agree with her and how much she like you on any given day.

  And this provides a power source to the womb, to fuel the vanity of the woman as she lives vicariously through the envy & emulations of the masses of women.

  This is not a reason to reject female authority at all levels of culture. Yet, having an understanding of female authority versus female hunger/starvation games is everything.

  Disclaimer: This is by no means meant to be used as a reason to disqualify the authority of women or to justify men being malevolent dictators. The ego of a man is similar to the potential toxic load of a woman’s womb.

• The breasts are ruled by the sign of Cancer and I feel this retrograde is featuring reflection on our relationship with them on multiple levels. I keep hearing about breast cancer this week.

  Because the astrological signature of Cancer is an emotional container that lets things in, wades in them, swells with the currents, and regulates the salt which cleanses those literal and emotional waters in the lymphatic system… breast cancer is most often the result of the heart being so hurt that there is a wall around the breasts which hinders the flow of the emotional/lymphatic waters in and out.

  Cancer energy can compact itself and all it has endured inside a shell so tight inside the body that it starts to lock up the flow of energy in and out. This is the opposite of how the breasts are designed to be as the nipples regulate oxytocin in the body which allows bonding like giving and receiving.

  If we respect the life-giving nature of the breasts we can start to remember that they are meant to be channels of nourishment, not vaults of grief.

  And of course the fetishization of breasts disconnects young women from them the second they grow them sadly as well. That’s an important part of the story of breast cancer and female body image too.

• Your neck, shoulders, ribcage, and skull are designed to create a felt experience of containment that is loving, sheltering, & soothing… it’s where Cancer as the soft & brewing feminine heart meet Leo as the stable & stately masculine heart.

  Most people experience this part of their body as too collapsed to run this felt current, though. Anxiety & fear are created from the compression in the tissue & bone structure. They live in their mind outside their bodies, trying to escape the narrow limitations the skeleton provides to work within.

  If you feel the vulnerability present in power being contained to your body and unable to control your environment or other people to a large degree, you start to feel that absence of control in your chest as you sink back into your ribcage and realize you only have so much room in your body. All facets of you have to be able to circulate within the skeletal limitations of the body.

  The back of the ribcage is the place to focus on to expand into the loving masculine container providing territory for the feminine heart to soften. The anterior and posterior channels govern each other at certain points, but the masculine is the posterior primary governing channel which, when compressed does not have the Will to hold the feminine anterior body where the feeling channels are.

  When you hit the wall of how far you can expand in the back ribs, that is where the alchemy of claustrophobia into loving containment starts. 🩻🩵

We are about halfway through this Mercury retrograde and I have heard that in June an unusual amount of women had irregular periods. Something is churning in the collective womb, and we are here for it. The second half I plan on reserving for oyster and mermaid upgrades.

I do have loving memories from my father in the early days, but most of my memories of him involve him staring at a computer or telling me to be quiet. I viewed him as a mad scientist disciplinarian who was also a mysterious man who traveled a lot and lectured about theology. In my toddler & early childhood days, I would find napkins around the house that he would draw on during business calls. They were mandala-type doodles with mostly straight lines, grids, and arrows and I felt these to be my only clues about who he was. I would stare at them like they were sigils left by a god, even if they were in the trash.

Despite the relational element being rather stark, I have come to understand that our parents really are very deliberately chosen and even if we don’t have a great connection with them, we still inherit an arsenal of ancestral traits from our Mother and Father in different ways. My father is an Aquarius who lived an extremely Aquarian life, and is emotionally detached by nature of that Aquarian style. The following story demonstrates how Aquarian forces are social, but never attached. They are all in on the pulse of the future, and when that pulse has been sprung to life, it quickly gets left in the past if it does not adapt to the changing culture it has initiated.

So a month after I’m born, a Uranus-Neptune conjunction in Capricorn coincides with my dad becoming the first engineer to install SMS text messaging on a mobile phone for the Irish company Aldiscon. He makes the first text message say “burp” because it’s a baby technology, like me at the time. This is disturbing to my mind and it was to everyone else in the room, so they tell him to say something else and he comes up with some type of spy talk I can’t remember. He now becomes one of the world’s leading experts in the SMS market. His company made the equivalent of the email server and the computer attached to the phone to use the software for SMS. Since he is an uncouth Kentucky boy who loves to debate with people to an autistic degree and his supervisor is also American, he is somewhat resented for this accomplishment because the Europeans invented SMS. I asked him to explain this, he said “Just think about me and anything uncouth or crusty about me, your usual complaints, and imagine I am 20 years younger so 10x worse.”

At this time, no one thinks SMS will take off other than this company my dad is a part of, because pagers have a 99% success rate and text messaging has a 95% rate. No one believes that anyone will do the tedious T9 type-out either. It quickly catches on though.

The Wikipedia page says, “Aldiscon developed the Short Message Peer-to-Peer (SMPP) telecommunications industry protocol for exchanging SMS messages between SMS peer entities such as short message service centres, voice mail systems and distributed telemetry elements. By the late 1990s, the company put the protocol into a non-profit entity called the SMS Forum whose members included both messaging system suppliers and carriers.”

My father offered the protocol his company wrote to the public domain because it was a headache to not have it streamlined when in the process of collaborating with other companies. Everyone wanted their coding protocol to be the standard, and this made a mess of everything. In his strange ways, he suggested to avoid the headache that they literally just give away for free the protocol so he invited all their competitors to a conference in Nice, France to receive it all so they didn’t have to do the tedious job of rewriting protocols to sync the technology between various companies.

He says in this transcript of me recording his story over coffee, “One big sponsor, a telephone sponsor, liked the idea so he came. So nobody cared that I was speaking, but when the big telephone sponsor came with me, everybody came, and they were all very suspicious. And I just handed out copies of the protocol. I handed out contact names for all the people at the phone company they needed to contact to get connected. I mean, we already had 80 or 90% market share anyway. So we really didn’t have much competition. In fact, we used to talk about how we wished we had a competitor, because we were a tiny little company.”

Aldiscon then becomes indispensable to the industry for some years and when this company is bought out, my dad is kept as a consultant which he hated because it felt like being a “well cared-for slave.” So then he gets hired by a company that wants to get in on the SMS stuff and they move our family to Long Island, New York when I am 6. They underpay him, but he has share in the company prospected to be 5 million dollars. The dot-com crash happens the day before they open their IPO, and now it’s worth $5000.

He keeps working for them, but a man on the team he supervises sets up shop secretly and tries to sell what he was being paid to write as a third party. There is a big FBI investigation and my dad is the last interviewed which apparently means they think you are the one who did it. Luckily, every single person says my dad would never do anything like that. He is a Catholic Kentucky boy and a fairly oblivious brainiac. The company takes a big loss from the criminal activity though.

After all that, he informs the bosses it’s too late to get into SMS anyway and the next money wave is browsers on phones. They want to fire him when he tells them he would need to hire someone to do it, but they can’t fire him because they moved him there and they knew he wasn’t a coder when they hired him anyway. My dad knows the guy they need to build a WAP server. He is a Croatian Prince who lives in a castle. (Of course my Aquarius dad just happens to know this person? Insert me cracking up at this part.) My dad calls him and the prince says, “Oh Brennan, that’s a great idea,” and he says he will do it for 50K.

My dad’s father was a lawyer who used to say he hated it when people would “jew him down” but my dad never realized this was literally referencing Jews. It was just a phrase he knew meant being ripped off. He didn’t know how it was spelled. So when he is asked by his Jewish bosses to ask this Croatian prince for less money, he almost says “I’m not going to go to my friend and jew him down” and realizes a split second before what that actually meant so he said “and get less money.”

He tells his Jewish bosses it would be silly to ask for less than 50K because they will be the only people in the world who have a WAP server after this. They agree to take his advice. The whole time we live in Long Island, my dad’s job is basically them telling him to do things and him saying, “That’s dumb, I’m going to do something else.” The WAP server gets them an investment from Lucent which was a bigger deal than getting an investment from Google or Microsoft at the time. Then AOL invested and this company was bought up too, and my dad was laid off.

So my dad is living on Long Island with 3 kids, and wondering how to get by as a consultant when his friend who owns the Wireless Developer Convention, Konny Zsigo, seeks him out to help with his software writing training business. This company had been doing 5k in sales daily for 2 years straight. He wants to move my dad to Michigan to be the VP of Wireless Developer Agency and my dad prepares his family to move. Sales suddenly drop drastically to something like $500 a couple times a week. Konny says turn back. He cannot guarantee security for his family. My dad says let’s figure this out together.

So the issue is that no one needs software writing kits now; they need to sell their software. They start attempting to sell their clients’ software to Verizon, but Verizon can be fined significantly if any type of virus or bug in the system creates a crashing of a phone or the grid. The executives at Verizon don’t have these computer science nerds’ capacity for data and they need the bottom line so my dad invents a one-page report graph to vet app developers. My dad becomes the in-house agency for Verizon to vet apps. This was before you could upload them via the App Store. So Verizon now does not care if it’s Disney or Marvel; they will need to talk to my dad so he can sign off that it’s safe to sign. So my dad becomes the lead negotiator in contracts between Verizon, T-Mobile, and Sprint and the artists who create games, ringtones, wallpapers, etc.

Eventually this dries up as the industry evolves not to need this service and they become a marketing agency for apps. Before the company sold, I watched my dad working day & night managing the ads team to get National Geographic to the #1 spot on the Apple App Store. So the company is sold, he stays as a consultant for a while, and then he retires for a year. He comes back into his career as a life insurance & financial advisor for the Catholic Church Knights of Columbus organization. He says he wishes he had been doing this his whole life.

This is not the story of SMS, WAP servers, apps, or telecom. It’s the story of a man who seemed almost magnetically pulled toward the pulse of the future. My father was consistently more interested in solving bottlenecks than chasing status, translating between worlds that couldn’t understand each other, and then leaving each frontier behind as soon as the architecture was stable enough for the rest of the world to build upon it. As a father, he was physically present more than psychologically present, and yet the whole time he was actually transmitting all of these traits to me just by virtue of following the lightning bolt of his own survival path.

Most amusingly, my dad was a pioneer at the genesis of the industry, but he is not a famous or rich man- he is a man who got flown through the corridors of time with each new technological wave as it broke. The Water-bearer is not a water sign, it simply pours and distills the waves as they come. It does not emotionally attach to anything as it governs the container of the water element and not the water itself. All new technologies move through it, are transmitted via the illumination of the mind, and then pass on.

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Somewhere along the way European culture created an idea of “good breeding” behavior which actually was based on something highly unsexual. Royal families are known for inbreeding, and we know this affects jaw development significantly. The jaw is connected to the pelvis directly. The image of “a fine lady” became something that directly opposed the wild feminine, and when I say wild feminine, I don’t mean the destructive feminine, but the source of babies. Repressed feminine expression creates the conditions for very challenging births that could lead to death, which makes people even more frightened of women’s sexuality. For a long time, women were faced with only two choices in how to respond to the stifling of the current of our fertility, and the choices were either to become hysterical or to faint.

Then when hysteria was punished in cruel ways, women adapted by creating autoimmune disorders, where they repress their expression until their blood becomes so thick that it can’t even pass through the cervix every month and they are at the same time constantly wrestling with a murderous rage, which is highly justifiable. It is true that sex temporarily stops hysteria, but it doesn’t cure it because it’s related to being used as an inanimate breeder rather than being loved as a woman who creates babies from her heart and soul by graciously allowing the residence of a man to carve himself out through her flesh. Anything less than true love behavior is an absolute thievery of spiritual Essence and mining of ovarian energy.

Women need to be able to dance with our bellies out to hypnotic base frequencies. The snake cannot be locked away. We need to be free in our teeny bikinis. We need actual tantric sex at least daily. We need our voices to have weight with men on the things that actually belong to organic female authority ( not geopolitics ). We need to never be asked to coddle men by pretending to be satisfied when they are acting beneath their potential. We need to be able to veto children’s spankings if necessary and veto all kinds of things we have the authority to deem harmful when it comes to the wellbeing our children. We need to be able to laugh in the face of abuse, rather than shrink and hide in our own homes. We need to be able to prioritize our replenishment rather than give endlessly to prove we are “good”.

If all of these things were met, there would be no pushback around natural order from women. Natural order is not “men have might and might is always right.” Natural order is about what creates the best fertility rates and the longest lasting youthful beauty in mothers.

In actuality though, there’s a whole set of evil energies crystallized on the planet, and in our bodies, that can only be transmitted through actual true love sex.

In other words, the reason to work on making peace with what is natural polarity and what is an inversion of polarity is not even so that men or women can receive whatever they are owed by each each other, but rather so men and women can come together in functional harmony.

Hierogamic inner union has been over-emphasized in healing arts to make up for the fact that we have not yet the tools to correct the harmful projections and internalizations of inverted polarity.

What would be better than integrating your inner male and inner female would be a culture which is organized around the proper containers to exalt men and women in our respective roles. Trying to transcend the need for a true lover is a denial of our human spirit.

In contrast, women who have diffuse awareness to monitor chaos intuitively, are designed to be always responding to the crying of a baby or toddler tantrum. We also use sound to call babies into the world, both at conception and birth. The sounds that women make during conception and birth are the way that the attunement to the soul incarnating happens. This is also why giving birth in front of anyone, even sometimes the Father, disrupts the birthing process. Because we have a cultural taboo on freedom of vocal expression, and we have a cultural taboo on women being loud in any context, our culture has resorted to having to cut babies out of women with knives because we have trained women to be unable to express themselves even when doing the most womanly thing possible.

The ears do not just give us our physical hearing though, they also give us our ability to attune to environments and frequencies which are non-local. When you are born, your mother is supposed to be the only frequency you know for a long while. When you circumcise a baby boy, you ensure that the imprint of his mother’s love is overridden with the frequency of excruciating pain. You can imagine how intensely a baby boy screams and cries when the sheath of his penis is cut off just days after birth. It is well known that baby boys sometimes bust their eardrums in the process, and this also confuses the system about who the mother is, where the mother is, and makes the baby feel abandoned by their mother, so it also interferes with breast-feeding and early infancy because when you’re born, again- your mother is supposed to be the only frequency that you know and then you are supposed to be slowly acquainted with the world so as to feel at home here. Then you override that with this excruciating sexual assault, and the result is that the echo of the trauma desensitizes the penis but oversensitizes the ears.

The ear for men is already an extremely receptive space and what happens is that the sensitivity that should be naturally held and signaled from the foreskin of the penis , gets transferred to the receptivity of the ears. The foreskin is a place where there are oxytocin receptors, and when you strip this layer of the masculine heart energy from his body, there is all of this negative feedback that gets thrust up into the ears. The result is that men often cannot come into their bodies or hearts fully because their ears are actually blown open in a way that is excessive, even for the natural male brain. There is too much dissonance, and a reaching for home frequency out in the horizon that never fully imprinted within.

Personally I view sound waves as the origin of the feminine, whereas light waves may be the origin of the masculine. This is why I referenced in my article about porn how the actual sounds that women make are more of an important topic important than whether it’s right or wrong, because I view porn as a way for men to process their confusion about female sexual expression rather than just exploitation. The foreskin of the penis is meant to actually be sensitized to the woman so that he can actually interpret her sounds correctly and serve her sexually, and when it is both desensitized and oversensitized through trauma, this cuts him off from being in right relationship to her expression. There is a link from the heart to the foreskin that has been cut off, which creates this separation between sex and love for men. Obviously when the sounds are performative in a video it totally confuses men about female expression.

It is notable that the biggest grief of women in relationship is not being heard or valued in what we say. Of course, the religions which all practice circumcision don’t believe in listening to women unless of course she is repeating scripture. Even the vocal expression of women during sex, in a porn culture but also in any misogynistic culture, interprets female sex sounds as a mechanical stimulus rather than a relational language. The sounds women make become interpreted like the noises that come out of a sex doll when you press a button- detached from soul, context, attunement, emotion, and reciprocity. Instead of hearing a woman as a living soul communicating through breath, tone, tension, surrender, hesitation, pleasure, grief, or instinct, the sounds become flattened into a performance cue designed to trigger arousal on command. Over time, this can distort a man’s capacity to actually listen to women, because he is conditioned to hear female vocalization as stimulation first.

This creates men who view the sounds women make in birth as almost comical, uncomfortable, or excessive. It is part of the rupture itself because birth vocalization is not random noise. It is the primal spiritual intelligence performing a miracle. A woman in labor is using sound to move life through her body, and when a culture loses reverence for that, it loses reverence for the feminine as a force of nature rather than a performance or commodity.

Circumcision takes that male orientation to the horizon and locks him into it so he cannot sensitize to his inner world or relationships. He cannot experience awe for the feminine, because he is distracted by this reaching away from his own center of gravity, into hypervigilance and novelty seeking. The result is a man perpetually scanning for stimulation, threat, or escape, while struggling to fully rest inside intimacy, reverence, and erotic love.

This is for Mothers who are ready to embrace that each family member is too complex for there to be “one right way” to mother.

This is also for Mothers who know that keeping their inner and biospiritual maiden alive is of utmost importance for the wellbeing of their children.

We will use archetypal mapping to spot the archetypes our children came into the world with based on their current developmental thresholds, Astrology (Western & a sprinkle of Vedic naksahtras) and Human Design to track personalized karmic themes and needs of our children, and cultivate awareness of how each parent is being reflected and needed in the child’s behavior. A healthy dose of “gentle parenting” and “patient wifing” mixed with primal self-respect and authority will be the north star of the 4 weeks.

Since the consciousness level of the Father can be so varied, we will meet you where you are in terms of what you can realistically expect your kids’ Father to participate in based on who he is. When it comes to his limitations, we will surround you in healing sisterhood for you to be held and shielded from his lower nature and minimize any damage he is causing through his lack of leadership. Advocating on behalf of the children to their Father, arranging new activities for children based on our discoveries, setting maternal authority boundaries, and as always in my work- prioritizing the physical regneneration and feeling pretty that every Mother requires to thrive as the territory her children live inside will be the focus.

If you want a thorough introduction to how I view relationships in family life, please reference this article and pick a video which you are drawn to:

The videos that will teach you to represent yourself honestly.

75 minute sessions, 4 weeks starting May 21st.

$333 USD/ 4 group sessions

Here’s the link: Sign up now

See you there…

All spiritual communities across history have created a duality between “goodness” and authenticity and she has worked tirelessly to reverse this with her incredibly simple breakdowns of why this just won’t work to build a loving Earth. I began deconditioning from these dysfunctional relationship patterns years ago and I am not anywhere near living in full alignment with her teachings because of how immense of a task it is to actually have authentic relationships and accountability to your own authentic needs and talents.

The following videos are free and what I recommend for any type of community relationship crisis whether it be a marriage, family, friendship, or a business arrangement: