I took a pause and reflected on certain mentalities I had while growing up (which at the time did not seem like a big deal), but then, I had to unlearn it now that I am in my twenties.

I reflected on some of them and thought, “Nahh. I don't want to spend my twenties like this.” Some are cheesy and some are as deep as they seem. Let's go;

1. You can't eat with more than one fish at once;

Honestly, this one is about using my freewill more. Growing up, we only ate with one piece of fish/meat/egg at a serving. Basically, when we are eating breakfast, each of us would only get one piece of fish/egg/meat (whatever the protein of the day is). It does not matter if you had more than one plate of food for breakfast, you only get your one piece of fish/egg/meat. If you grew up in a Nigerian home, you would understand what I am saying very well.

I understand that my parents did this because that was what they could afford. God bless them for raising my siblings and I with what they have. Amen.

But then, somehow, it became a hard and fast rule. When I got to school, I found myself doing the same thing. I would have four pieces of fish in my pot, but then I would only eat one per serving. Although I would end up finishing all the fish, but it felt like if I didn't follow that pattern, someone would beat me or I was wasting food.

The realization just came to me one day. I said to myself, “You know there is nothing wrong with eating with more than one piece of fish at once though?”

That's how my eyes opened. Now, I eat about two or three pieces of fish at one serving. It depends on my mood. 😂 I think that's one of the things I enjoy about adulthood.

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2. Save your nice clothes for special occasions;

I feel like almost every child that grew up in a Nigerian home would relate to this. Growing up, my clothes were sectionalized into two; I had my ‘play play’ clothes and special occasion clothes.

‘Play play’ clothes were mostly clothes that I have worn over and over again, and were just perfect for casual wear. On the other hand, my newly bought clothes that I have only worn once or twice were saved for special occasions. For instance, a birthday party, or when I am travelling to visit a relative, those sort of things.

Again I understand my parents' reasons for doing this too. Kids tend to play a lot and that was a way of regulating us from spoiling newly bought clothes. Also, they wouldn't want to buy a new cloth each time there is a special occasion.

When I resumed school in 100 level, I continued with that pattern. There were some of my clothes that I would only wear to classes, library and church. Once I am back from any of these places, I take it off immediately and change to my ‘play play’ ones.

But now, I have started developing my personal style. I now see myself in outfits that define who I am. I have a Pinterest board on my personal taste in fashion.

And it is exciting because that is how I want to be dressed at all times. I don't want to dress in the generic way of trouser/skirt and a basic top. I want something that is distinct to me. I want to dress in a way that anybody can immediately tell that it is me.

In essence, the special occasion is me. Life in its entirety became my special occasion. I stopped waiting for an event to show up before pulling up in my best fit. I want to appear anywhere and everywhere in my best fit.

Now, I might even wear my best fit even though I know I would be spending most of day indoors.

Although I won't lie, this one was tough to let go of. But baby steps, yeah?

3. If a phone does not stop working don't buy another one;

The society I grew up in made me believe that if a phone does not stop working you don't have to buy another one. Right now, I disagree.

This won't have bothered me very much if I didn't find myself looking for a justification on why I needed a new phone even though the one I had was still working fine.

Yes, it is true that you don't necessarily need a new phone if your old one is working perfectly fine and is still serving the purpose for which you need it for.

Also, the saying is partly true because it stops consumerism. With how obsessed this present generation is with using the latest iPhone just to feel among, I would agree with this saying in that respect.

But, unfortunately, that's not the premise behind that saying. The mentality is that all you need a phone for is to call, watch movies, scroll through the internet, etc. Once it can do all that, then there is no reason to buy a new phone.

However, in this present world, calling, watching movies and scrolling through the internet are the basic functions a phone can perform. There are new and updated features that your personal smartphone should have.

For instance, a lot of people are leaning towards content creation to put themselves out there, promote their business or whatever reason. Good camera quality, storage, etc., are some of the most important features a phone must have now. You need good gadgets that make crisp videos. Is it my Tecno Pop 8 that would do that?😏

Also, poverty mindset makes you believe that you need to use something till it is spoilt beyond repair before you can get a new one.

So, restricting yourself from getting a new phone with all the updated features you need just because the one you are currently using is working perfectly fine is a mentality that I don't buy.

4. Triangle path to success;

For the record, I coined that.

The society I grew up in made me believe that the only path to success is to go to school, graduate with good grades and get a high paying job. Any other path asides that is a one way ticket to failure.

Now, to clarify, I am not speaking down on the formal system of education. Regardless of how messed up the educational system is in Nigeria, if you know what you are doing then it is a good path to success.

Growing up with that mentality I saw every other means of making money asides from formal education as beneath me. If anyone were to tell me they want to learn a skill like tailoring, shoe making, bead making, I felt a sense of superiority to them. Because I was in uni studying Law, I believed that my life would turn out greater than that person’s ever could.

I always saw myself as an elite. I saw them as illiterates. I genuinely believed that when I am speaking in certain spaces, they can't even be found there. May God forgive me for thinking that way. Amen.

Not only that, I just could not fathom why anybody would not want to go to school. You know that saying that, ‘Education is the key’? I took that very seriously.

Now I have learnt that there exists numerous ways to make it in life asides from formal education. Formal education is just one means. With the increase in demand of so many high paying skills, everyone is a boss in their own field.

In fact, I have learnt that success in life requires certain key traits. If you don't posses the traits needed for success, it does not matter what path you choose, you might fail.

5. Manage money;

One of the values my parents instilled in me while growing up is how to manage money. I learnt how to live within my means and be contented with what I have.

But then the thing with managing money is that you don't know when the lines between contentment and developing a scarcity mindset begins to blur.

I have learnt that there is a difference between contentment and thinking from a scarcity mindset. Contentment is living within your means. Scarcity mindset is believing that your means is all that you could ever have.

Growing up in a middle class home has a way of shrinking your perspective. You never really see past your lack. You only think from your lack and make decisions from your lack. And while that might seem like the most logical thing to do at the moment, I realized that in the long run it shrinks how far you can dream.

I can't believe there was a time I believed I can never make one million naira. That figure seemed too much for me. I often wondered what I would need that huge amount of money for. But then, I am grateful that now no amount seem too big for me to make.

Overall, I have learnt that patterns, mindset and mentality we have had since childhood quietly shapes us as we become adults. And if we don't pay attention to those that needs to be cut off, we might be doing ourselves a great disservice.

Hi, guys! Thank you for reading till the end. 🤭 If you find this relatable kindly drop in the comments section some of the mentalities you grew up with that you had to unlearn now that you are a young adult.

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She continued that, "Men and women both need each other. That both genders exists to complement the other. So, the idea that one gender is superior to the other is fallacious. So, even though, she is a feminist, she believes that equality is a fallacy."

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(P.S: I tried to remember her words as much as I can. So, the quoted statement is a paraphrasing of what she said)

Now, when I heard that, my first thought was, mhmm that's not exactly how it works. She got it confused at some point. So, I want us to talk about that. But first, what is a fallacy?

A fallacy is an error in reasoning or a mistaken belief that makes an argument logically invalid or unsound.

So, simply put, the lady was saying the fight for gender equality is logically unreasonable. That because men and women exists to complement each other, it makes no sense to fight for gender equality.

Anyways, let's get into why that is not true.

Yes, men and women both need each other. Naturally, we are meant to be a team. Each gender has their individual strengths. And each gender shine better in their individual strengths.

And in their individual weaknesses, the other gender exists to complement them.

How do I mean? Biologically, an average man has natural strength compared to a woman. That natural strength is an individual strength. So, when we have a case of a burglar or theft, any man around is expected to step in to defend the house. Also, we see the importance of men’s physical strengths in everyday situations, like lifting heavy equipments around the house, plumbing (if he can), removing a car tire, etc.

On the other hand, a woman's individual strength lies in her intuitiveness. That is why women are a perfect fit for nurturing, caring, etc. So, while men, naturally, can't connect with a child on an emotional level as much as a mother would, the woman exist to fill that gap.

So, biologically, God created both genders in a way that where one falls short the other exists to fill that gap.

But, unfortunately, society has spun that into something else. Instead of recognizing each gender's individual strengths and appreciating it, they made that strength superior to the other gender’s individual strengths. And instead of complimenting the other gender's weakness, they cursed it out and made it look like a stumbling block. And they had various reasons to back it up.

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Let's delve into that.

Now, since an average man is gifted with natural strength which exists not only in physical strength but it also tend to gravitate into filling leadership roles. And that's not bad. But then, society saw that and just went, "Hell yeah! He is the perfect fit to run the home. "

From there all sort of twisted societal rules emerged.

"A man is the head of a home."

"As the head of the home, a man must always be respected and worshipped."

"Any threat to a man's leadership in a home must be met with an equivalent discipline. "

And all sorts.

What do we have here? As a result, that individual strength that a man possesses has been twisted to mean superiority. And because he is a superior, he must be worshipped for that.

But they didn't stop there. Here is where things get crazier. They began to prescribe various rules that a man must have to exert this superiority. That's where toxic masculinity comes in.

"Men must not cry."

"Men must not show emotions."

"As a man, why you go dey use umbrella? Are you gay?"

"Why man go tell his fellow man I love you? Are you gay?"

So, instead of letting this gender to perfectly use his strength in an healthy way, they twisted it wayy out of proportion.

Now, as for a woman, her individual strength as an intuitive being is twisted to mean inferior. To them, of what benefit is emotional support in the home?

So, all the traits that are naturally a subset of that strength —i.e nurturing, caring, etc—are perceived to be inferior to the individual strength of the man.

We started having societal dictates like;

"Women are emotional."

"Women are not supposed to be in leadership."

"A woman's role ends in the kitchen."

"A woman must be submissive to the head of the house. It is even in the Holy Books."

"Women are the weaker sex."

Now, why did I have to take you through all these? You need to understand how deeply rooted this problem is. You need to understand that there exists a moral segregation of both genders.

Society has fixed the capabilities of each gender into stereotypes. As long this gender posseses this strength, they must automatically be able to do certain things. That was how they arrived at the conclusion that because a man has physical strength, he is the perfect fit to run a home. Society never imagined that a man might naturally not be a good leader even though he has physical strength.

Or that a home is even too large and demanding to be run by just one person termed as the ‘head’. That running a home requires a joint synergy from both genders. So, practically speaking, nobody is the fixed ‘head’.

Then, women thought, it can't continue like this. There has to be a way out. What is our next line of action? And they found their answer in Feminism.

One of which core principle is Equality of both genders.

Thus, Equality is not a fight for society to see a man and woman as equal in physical strength.

Equality is a fight against the moral segregation of both genders; where one gender is termed superior to the other gender.

That brings me back to what the lady said, equality is not a fallacy in the sense that she defined it. In fact, equality reinforces the very idea that men and women exists to complement each other. Equality recognizes and appreciates each gender's individual qualities. Equality is a fight against moral segregation of both sexes.

What I am saying in essence is that, stop terming a gender's natural and individual strength to be superior to the other gender's natural and individual strength. We were never meant to be that way.

A man naturally being a leader does not mean he should disregard the opinion of a woman. It does not mean he should 'rule' arbitrarily. And it does not mean that a woman cannot rule. What makes a good leader is not their gender, but whether they have the qualities that a good leader should posses.

A woman being naturally intuitive does not mean she is emotional. Don't her banish her to the four corners of the kitchen of a man's house and tell her to squash her dreams. She is as much as an individual as the male gender. She is her own person. A human being with rights, dreams, likes, dislikes, boundaries, etc.

She need not prove herself over and over again before she chases her dreams.

And stop twisting men's individual traits. Stop imposing dictates that twists their masculinity out of proportion.

So, I don't agree that equality is a fallacy. Moral segregation of both genders is a real issue that is existing in our society and equality is the answer to it.

Mic drop!!

These days, I find myself wishing I could go back to my secondary school days. I was very much unaware of how life was then. My only responsibility then was to be a good daughter. I only cared about going to school, passing my exams (especially Maths), and moving from 5th position to 1st. Oh! And going on errands for my mum. Basically, making sure I don't do anything to piss off my parents.

I did not understand that adulthood comes with bills. Well, I knew I would eventually pay bills. But somehow, I believe whenever that time came I would figure it out. Back then, I thought the reasons adults struggle with paying bills was because they didn't have a good job. Well, jokes on me.

The rudest shock that came with adulthood was the realization that my life is my responsibility. I am responsible for all the decisions I make regarding my life. Wait, before that, I have to make decisions regarding my life. I went from having my parents tailor how my life would go to grabbing my life head-on.

I just woke up one day and realized there was no parent asking how 5k was going to be enough for one week. They just expected me to figure it out.

I woke up one day and saw my mates interning, excelling, creating, chasing dreams, stacking up their CVs. And I have none of these.

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Everyone would come online to talk about how they don't understand this adulthood thing. But then, we see them stacking up wins. I come across a lot of ‘Join me as I celebrate…’ posts on LinkedIn almost everyday. If they don't know what they are doing, how come they are achieving something?

And then there is me, who actually doesn't know what she is doing. I am not achieving anything. I just wake up and do the things I have to do. That makes me feel really behind in life. I also want to be celebrated. I want to be congratulated. But the requirement for getting there is figuring out how to make this adulthood thing work.

I now understand the weight of the decisions I make regarding my life. I now realized that I have to find my purpose. I have to chase that purpose. I have to make it in life. I have to figure out how to make it in life.

Now, I struggle with the realization that whatever fate befalls my life is due to my conscious habits. That as an adult, freedom comes with a quiet kind of accountability nobody prepared me for. And that is quite frightening!

Now, I find myself questioning if all I have done up till now is actually my path. I don't even know if Law is my path anymore. I thought back to the reason I picked Law and it made sense why I might not see a future in it.

I didn't study Law because of some cool conventional reasons. I didn't study Law because I want to help the poor, or preserve justice, or defend human rights. I didn't even study it because of money.

I studied Law because everyone said it was hard. It was the hardest course in all of Humanities department. So, I chose Law because I didn't want to look unintelligent.

At that time, if I was aiming for passion or chasing a dream, I would have studied English or Literature. Because, at the time, the only thing I had passion for was writing.

But then, where I come from, studying courses like that meant you didn't have a future. Where do you want to work? How do you want to tell people you are studying English or Literature?

Where I come from, writing was supposed to be a hobby not a career. So, I can't be that uncool. I have to do the hard stuff. I needed to show everybody that I am brilliant and Law is only for brilliant kids.

Looking back now, that was actually very silly. But then, I am definitely seeing this through to the end. With all the shege I have seen while studying this course, I must definitely wear that wig and gown.

Is this a cry for help? I don't know. This is a cry from a frustrated girl in her early twenties wondering how she is going to catch up with her peers. No, scratch that, this is a cry from a frustrated girl in her early twenties wondering how she is going to make a name for herself.

Or simply put, I am just wondering how the heck I am going to get my life together. Or at least, look like I have it all figured out.

Usually, this is the type of piece I would write in my journal because of the vulnerability of it. But then, I just thought, “why not?”

Hi Muses! How are you all doing?!!😁🤭

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If we are celebrating love on Valentine's day, who said it can only be romantic love? There are other forms of love. The greatest of all forms of love (apart from divine love) is self love. But we don't have a day dedicated to celebrating self love. Well, none that I know of.

Anyways, I shifted my mind from the buzz around romantic love and redirected my focus to what it means to fall in love with myself. The saying is, “you attract the love you think you deserve”. If the way I value myself depends on the way others treats me, then how do I value myself? What determines my self-worth?

So, I chose to know more about myself. What I like. What I dislike, my flaws, etc. I started paying more attention to myself. I paid attention to the way I think, my mindset, the way I handle conflicts, and basically anything that makes me ‘Me’.

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Honestly, it's been such an eye-opener and certainly not a smooth ride.

For the most part of it, I was forced to sit with my flaws. I got to know that I am hard on myself. I don't give myself the grace I give others. I am not as forgiving of myself as I am of others.

I am self critical. I judge myself quickly and harshly.

I beat myself up for the littlest of mistakes. I blame myself for days for the grandest of all mistakes.

I overthink a lot. I scrutinize every little conversation and interaction I have with people. I pick it apart piece by piece and read meanings where there are none. I spend a lot of time in my head.

I am a perfectionist. If it is not perfect on first trial, then it is out of the window.

And in evaluating the relationships in my life, I realized I haven't done that much of a good job at it.

I could go on and on. Honestly, I saw my flaws first. They attacked me from all sides. At a point, I was convinced I was a walking red flag. That I am an inherently bad and hypocritical person. But when I looked past all of that, I started seeing my good sides too.

I started seeing that woman that thirst for knowledge. That woman that her eyes lit up when she learns something new. The one that won't leave Google until she perfectly understood whatever caught her fancy.

I saw how compassionate she is too. How considerate she is of everyone around her. I saw the miles she can go just because she wants to come through for the people she loves.

I saw the fixer in her. I saw that part of her that takes up other people's problems as if they were hers. The part of her that wishes she can magically wish other people's problems away when she can't provide a solution.

I saw how hard she works on her emotions. How calm she approaches conflicts. I admired how emotionally intelligent she is.

Overall, I've learnt so far that self-love can be messy. On some days you are fighting to understand yourself. You are convinced you are the biggest villain to ever walk the earth.

On other days, you are at your absolute peak. You remember the way you helped that random stranger on the road and then you smile.

I remember that I didn't rush myself today. That I actually took time to observe the nature around me. That I saw a dying plant in front of that house I pass everyday. That I notice the paint on the walls are starting to wear off.

On the bright days, I realize how much God loves me and how much I love Him too.

Even with all these realizations, I keep discovering more about myself everyday. There is so much layer to peel.

But the beauty of it all is the feeling of self-assuredness that comes with it. It is in knowing so much about myself that no one can tell me otherwise.

It is knowing that certain decisions I have made in the past does not define me anymore.

The beauty of self-love is watching myself grow in real-time and being actively part of that growth.

Hi, Muses. 😊 Did y’all miss me?😊

How have you all been?

For the sake of anonymity, let's call her Tolu. Tolu and I had a conversation on feminism. I asked for her view on feminism and she said,

“I don't believe in equality, only equity.”

Me: Hmm… how?

Tolu: Well, men and women cannot be equal. There are certain things that it is only a man that can do, and there are certain things that it is only a woman that can do. But, I believe in fairness, which is equity. Men should be fair to women. They should treat women with fairness at all times.

After the conversation, I realized a lot of people think like Tolu. How do I mean?

There is this common misconception people have when feminists advocate for equality. They believe equality is saying men and women are biologically equal. That, we are comparing the physical and naked strength of a man with that of a woman. That, we are saying because a man can carry a 200 pounds weight a woman should be able to. Or because a man can lock arms with a raging bull a woman should be able to do that.

This is not a debate about the biological composition of a man as an equal to a woman. So, when people like Tolu say they don't believe in equality you watch them give examples of the physiological composition of a man that it cannot be rivalled with that of a woman .

“Women are naturally weak. You cannot even hold down a man in a fist fight. “

“Why do you think they don't pair a man and woman together in a wrestling match? It is because they know the man will knock her down.”

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Nobody is disputing that a man is naturally stronger than a woman. Although arguable, I don't even see why that should be our focus. There are more pressing issues that we have to resolve.

When feminists talk about equality, we are saying women should be in rooms that men can be in. Whatever opportunity that is afforded to a man, let it be afforded to a woman too. Equality is a fight for equal access to economic, social and financial opportunities.

When feminists fight for Equality, we are saying that your gender does not make you superior to the other gender. A man is not superior to a woman by virtue of his sex or by virtue of the roles imposed on him by reason of his gender. That because you provide the finances of the house does not mean your wife shouldn't have a say in the running of the house. That doesn't give you a right to treat her as a property or an object.

When feminists fight for Equality, we are fighting against the oppression and marginalization of women. We are saying, don't look at a woman and say by reason of your sex, you are not fit for this kind of discourse. That by reason of your sex, you are not fit to be a president or any political leader. That by reason of your sex, your place should be in the kitchen. That by reason of your sex, you are not to be seen, heard or spoken about.

Equality is abolishing the hierarchy of sex and gender roles.

So, feminism is not a fight against men. It never was. It is a fight against those systems that enable the marginalization, discrimination and oppression of women. It is a fight against systems like patriarchy, misogyny, etc.

It is not a fight of whether a woman should be biologically stronger than a man. Far from it!

Feminism is about giving women choices. It is letting women understand that they have choices. As a woman, you have the choice to be whoever you want to be. You can choose to be a house wife not because someone or society is making it compulsory for you to be, but because that is what you want. You can choose not to give birth. There is absolutely nothing wrong about that.

Choice means you don't need the permission of a man to live your life. Choice means you don't need society to dictate the way you should live your life.

You can chase dreams that you derive fulfillment from. That your sex and gender roles does not stop you from being who you want to be.

Feminism is about levelling the playing field. When a man and a woman is vying for the same position, assess each of them based off their personal qualities, achievements and attributes. Don't limit a woman by reason of her gender. That is all we are fighting for.

So, when someone like Tolu asks for fairness which is equity, I believe that is the core message of what feminism is about. Every fight for Equality is only fair to women. I believe, Equality is equity. There is no separating the two.

And if you still believe women are not oppressed or marginalized, go on the street of social media, especially Twitter. Look into the society. Look into your households. It's all there.

Hii, Muses! My exams are finally over. I am happy to be back on this space. How have you all been?😊

For those who don't know, Agatha Christie is a famous thriller author. She writes detective stories revolving around solving crimes and mysteries. She has published over 60 books. All of her books can be read as a standalone; although, some features a character of hers that had solved over ten mysteries in different books. Anyways, don't let me bore you with too much details; just know that you can pick up any of her books and enjoy it.

Now, let's get right into it.

The Synopsis:

An American typhoon was found murdered onboard a train, and Poirot must find the killer among the passengers in the train.

Simple and straightforward abi? That's what I thought too, until I started coming up with different theories.

To start with, I love the way the novel was written. It makes you feel like you are watching a movie play out right in front of you. I can see why it was easy for it to be adapted into a movie. The characters had distinct personalities. It was easy to remember who was who. Each chapter was an absolute page turner. It leaves you questioning what happens next. If you are a fast reader, I guarantee you can read this in a day.

Now, I will try as much as possible not to give spoilers. The book is just too great to be spoiled by my review. You need to read and experience what I felt.

Let me just quickly walk you through my theories. The victim was stabbed thirteen times. Brutal, right? He deserved it. That's not even a spoiler. From onset, you will realize that he deserved it.

The victim was a criminal. He had kidnapped a child, demanded a ransom and after collecting the ransom revealed that the child was already dead. Upon hearing the news, the mother of the child, who was already pregnant with another child, went into premature labour, but she died. The father of the child also died. Just like that, a once happy family turned into a graveyard of sorrow. So, it was obvious that the murder of the victim was a revenge for the death of that family. But the question is, which one of the passengers had the strongest motive to kill the man?

I had my eyes fixated on one suspect. One of the passengers, a certain Mary Debenham. That woman gave me every single convincing reason to suspect her. I even wrote down long paragraphs as to why I am convinced she was the killer. I would have shared this here, but I am afraid I would give spoilers.

One of the things I enjoy the most about reading thrillers is the thrill of solving the mysteries. I have always believed no writer can outsmart me (that's quite a bold assertion by the way 😂). That every writer always let slip the clue to the plot twist. I even figured out the plot twist for The Silent Patient (although it was towards the end of the book). But you will agree with me that counts for something right?

So, it was very settled in my head that there was no way Mary won't be the killer. But oh my, oh my! I was incredibly shocked. The plot twist was totally far off anything I ever thought. In fact, if you wipe my memory of reading that book today, and I re-read the book, I will keep circling back to the same answer. Agatha Christie is that good! Hat off!

And Piorot, that character is absolutely genius! I still don't understand how he was able to figure out the killer. I mean, how his mind was able to comprehend who the killer was. He has interrogated 14 passengers, most of whom did not have a motive to kill the man. And, most of whom were just ordinary people. From their interrogations and the evidences provided, he was able to sniff out the killer. Mehn, that's genius.

Also, there was something said about classical novels. I can't remember his exact words, but I think he mentioned that if you want to write well, you should read more classical novels. I totally agree with that.

The way the book was written was unlike the way books are written now. There was a rich display and mastery of English language. I really love the writing style a lot.

My Rating;

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐/ 5

If you have read this book, say hi, let's chat about the theories. Until then, I am off to read the next Agatha Christie's book on my TBR. Byee, muse!

I have never considered my life that interesting enough to write about it. I have too much of boring days and nothing eventful to talk about. And, frankly speaking, I just believe my day would be nothing of interest to you.

Apart from that, I believe writing about myself will be too raw. It forces me to talk about myself, to reveal myself. For a few times, I have had the urge to write about myself, but just as the thought comes I quickly dismiss it.

“This is social media after all. I don't think anyone should know this. “

But today, I want to indulge that thought. I am going to share with you how I spent the first day of the year and other random realizations I had.

The year began on Thursday; and I was more than four hours far from home. That's new. For my friends and close acquaintances that know me very well, that's unexpected. I was never the type to spend the first day of the year away from my family.

But it just happened. It was unusual, but it happened. I wasn’t expecting it this soon though. Sure, I understand that a point in my life, adulthood would demand that I be apart from my family. I just somehow comforted myself with the fact that whenever that time comes I would be prepared for it.

Spending the first day of the year alone made me miss the vibe of home. That smell of jollof rice (which I would be the one to cook though), my brother's birthday cake as he clocks another year, and the laughter that usually fill the sitting room.

Anyways, I was mostly bored, so I spent the day doom scrolling on Instagram and TikTok. Almost every single content that I came across had something to do with new year resolutions. Everyone was suggesting a visible change in your life as the calendar changes. To be sincere, it is not exactly bad. People are currently tailoring their new year goals, and the algorithm recognizes that and it is fuelling their motivation. Only that such motivation is ephemeral.

Last year January, I was one of such people fuelled by ephemeral motivation. I was so ready to be done with Procrastination. I even planned to hit the gym. Jokes on me by the way. I created a vision board for the person I haven't prepared for. But I am not here to bore you with my last year goals. I just want to share a realization I had. Who knows it might benefit you.

Out of all of the contents I came across, I loved one the most. The speaker had recommended that you have a theme for the year. Pick a theme for the year, it helps you know where to focus on and how to tailor your goals around that theme. That makes a lot of sense. For someone like me that gets easily burnt out and sometimes forget the reason I set a goal, having a theme would call me back whenever I get to that stage.

So, I did just that. My theme for 2026 is about investing in my myself. This year, I choose me.

This year, I am going to be bold and audacious.

This year, I am going to tell people No more often; and I won't provide an explanation for saying so.

This year, I am not going to be an anyhow person. I am not going to be someone that people can try all sorts of things with and get away with it.

This year, I am finally going to stop pleasing others. I would stop giving them excuses to get away with their wrong actions. I would stop worrying about how responding to their actions would make them see me.

This year, I would stop being afraid of doing things. I won't let fear of failure cripple my potentials and capabilities.

This year, I am proudly a feminist. After all, who am I afraid of? The same people that feminism is advocating against? Ta!!

This year, I am going to be a happier version of myself.

This year, I would repeatedly, consistently and selfishly pick me. Again and again.

This year, I would absolutely fall in love with myself more than anyone can ever do. More than I have ever fallen for any human.

I hope it is not too late to say this. Happy new year, everyone!!! Hope you had a splendid welcoming into the new year. This year, I want us to have a name we call ourselves. Sort of the way, Tobe says Tobabies, the way Abdullah says fren. I am welcome to any suggestions. Saying guys is just too anyhow. We are building a community here. Let me know how you spent the new year. I would be in the comments!😉

Honestly, when I first had the idea for this, I almost talked myself out it. This year, I remembered more of my losses and pain than my achievements. And it almost seems like I didn't achieve anything at all. So, I told myself,

“Dead that thought, Olamide! God sustained you this year; and you are going to be very loud about it!”

So, for those reading this, you don't need big wins like buying a car, or achieving all your 2025 goals, or earning six figures this year, etc., before you join in this trend. In the words of

Soooo, let's go…

• Hi, my name is Olamide. This year, I celebrated my one year Subversary.

Excel coined that word and I really like it! I celebrated one year on Substack. I published 15 newsletters, numerous notes with more than 300 likes in some of them, and I have over 200 humans willing to read what I write! Whoa!! Who’s that girl?!!

• Hi, my name is Olamide. This year, I completed 5 books.

This is a huge feat for me. I have struggled with an intense reading slump for a while now. I mostly start the books and stop halfway. So, completing these five books was a huge deal for me. I even reviewed them on my WhatsApp status.

This year, I read Ginika's Bridesmaids: Book One (Ara) by Adesuwa O'man Nwokedi, Mechanics of Yenagoa by Michael Afenifa, Verity by Colleen Hoover, The girl with the louding voice by Abi Dare and Bottom Belle by Camaa Pearl.

• Hi, my name is Olamide. This year, I learnt 19 new words.

In the second half of this year, I decided I wanted to upgrade my sparse vocabulary. So, I committed to learning one word per week. To anyone, it might not seem like a big deal. After all, it was just one word. But I had to fit that to my busy schedule; and I had to ensure I didn't overwhelm myself. I even designed the words myself on Canva. I kept a vocabulary book and bossed ChatGPT around like it was my secretary. 😂 Then, I moved to two words per week. The point in which my consistency sustained me was what brought about these 19 words.

• Hi, my name is Olamide. This year, I became more intentional with my relationship with God.

My relationship with God was something I struggled with a lot. But this year, I approached it with a lot more intentionality and it really paid off. Yes, I read my Bible! Oh, what a clarity that gave me! I am still on a journey of discovering and knowing more about Him, but I am proud of how far I have come.

•Hi, my name is Olamide. This year, I started journaling.

Everyone has been recommending journalling. So, I decided to give that a try. I came across a 30 days journaling challenge and I wrote on some of the prompts. I have finally seen the light guys. Journalling helped reveal a lot about myself. Like, how impatient I am, how chaotic my thoughts processes are, how much of a yapper I am. I started paying attention to myself. If you are reading this and you haven't started yet, get a journal now. Add it to your new year resolutions if you must. It really pays, trust me.

• Hi, my name is Olamide. This year, I found love.

Errm…No comments.😂😁

• Hi, my name is Olamide. This year, I survived.

Yes! I made it to the end of the year alive and whole! I am extremely grateful to God for that. His Grace really carried me through this year. Through every troubles and problems, God showed up consistently. Thank you, Jesus!

• Hi, my name is Olamide. This year, I am grateful for the gift of amazing friends.

To all my friends, take your flowers!

And with that the 2025 season comes to an end…. goodnight. (Make sure you read it in that man’s voice.)

Whoo! 2025 was good. I am sure 2026 will be better. If you got inspired by this and decided to write yours, pls tag me. I really want to read yours too.

Thank you for reading everyone! See you all in 2026!

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I have been putting off writing this. I started weeks ago, but I got so overwhelmed and couldn't continue it. I just had to tell myself this was long overdue and I had to put on my big girl pants.

A little side note, I struggled with picking a tone for this post. At first, I wanted to make it inspirational. I would come on here and retell the story of how I did it and how anyone could do it too. I thought that perhaps, someone that has been wishing to start writing on Substack would see my post and get inspired to start theirs.

But then, I realized, I need to make this as personal as it can be. This is a story of my journey on this space, my ups and downs (if any), my consistency and lack thereof. So, that's what you will be getting in this post. It's going to be quite a fun and bumpy ride, so sit tight.

How It All Started…

I started Substack as an impulsive decision back on 6th December, 2024. I would say impulsive because in this sense, I don't necessarily associate the word with a negative emotion. What I meant was that it didn't take me much deliberation and planning. I just knew I wanted to write; I saw Substack as a medium and, just like that I created an account.

Honestly, knowing the kind of person I am, if I didn't act impulsively back then, I won't be here. I do more of planning and less of taking action. I would have planned everything to the T, procrastinated and eventually felt too overwhelmed to start. But then that day, I picked up my phone, downloaded the app, created an account and made this post.

And I didn't regret it one bit. I am happy I didn't allow my fears to convince me otherwise. I am happy I didn't dwell too much on questions like,

“What would I write here?”

“Am I good enough to be on this space?”

I didn't come ‘ready’. I didn't come with grand plans in mind. At the time I created an account, I didn't even know what my first Newsletter would be on. But when I made this post on Medium (and the only one I ever made), I just knew I wanted to do more of this.

So, when people say, ‘Start messy. Start anyhow. It doesn't matter, just start.’ I relate perfectly to it. I didn't draft a six month plan. I didn't set any goal. I didn't even know I was going to last this long. I am just grateful to God that I made it this far.

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My Reflections So Far. .

For a girl that dropped her pen in 2020 and struggled with writing for four years, Substack afforded me a clean slate. I have usually associated things like a new pen, a blank page, a new notebook to a fresh start. Something that says, “Don’t worry, start again. I won't judge you.”

The moment I found Substack, I felt that sense of new beginning. Nobody demanded anything from me. Nobody wanted me to be a certain way. In fact, the Substack community has been so rewarding and peaceful that nobody was in a competition with another person. All they ask of you was to come as you were and they are going to support you all the way.

Nobody needed your perfection. Nobody wanted a theme from you. They just want to read. And that was exactly what I needed. I don't think I would have lasted in a space where it was intellectuals battling with each other. I would have given up because I would be under pressure to deliver just like they do. And as at the time I started, I lack trust in my writing skills. They would have squashed me if that was the case.

More importantly, Substack created an environment that allowed me to disappear when I don't feel enough and reappear when I feel I can do it again. The community was ever waiting and ready to receive me. Honestly, I love how the environment here does not create any unnecessary pressure. That's a big win; and I thank everyone of the Substack community for creating that environment.

But I must admit after a few months here I got sucked in by the theory of numbers. My posts was receiving less likes and I needed the numbers to feel validated that my work is good. I needed to see more than 30 likes to remind myself I was getting good at this writing thing. That's ironic because it was the very thing I said I won't fall for when I started writing here.

When I first started, my only goal was to write because of the joy I found in writing. I was all up on my high horses whenever I see posts reminding people that the numbers don't determine their work. I would scoff and say things like;

“I don't even know how people fall for something like this”.

And that's very funny coming from a girl that dreads posting on her WhatsApp status because of validation and fear of what will people say. I genuinely thought the numbers won't get to me. And I am very glad they did. It taught me a lesson of overconfidence. Never say it can't be you because it just might be you.

Frankly speaking, nobody wants to talk to an empty room, so it is fine to want people to like your posts. But notes on not getting sucked in by numbers exist to remind every writer that they are not alone. You are not selfish for wishing for a thousand likes on your posts. It does not talk down on the fact that you are a writer. It only becomes a problem when you make it the basis of your entire writing experience. That's when you bear a toxic relationship with numbers.

Then, I remember turning to a friend to ask for help. I told them the lack of numbers were getting to me and I wanted their options on it. And this was their response;

I won't lie, the advice did not work for me at first. It was easy to say and look at than implement. 😂 Nonetheless, I appreciate their effort. I had to realize and understand what they were saying on my own and that was when it finally clicked. That's when I made this post. And I genuinely meant it. I made a couple of notes about it too; like this one. That was how I stopped letting numbers validate my writing.

My best feature on Substack is the Notes section. There are times long form contents takes a lot of commitment; or times where what I want to say would not take more than a couple lines, that's where the notes feature come in. I have had a lot of fun on the Notes section. I have called myself out, given advice , wished for things, bared myself, mused, motivated, posted fiction , and lots more.

Once I have any passing thoughts, I just dump it in my notes. The day I took time out to read my notes I was absolutely impressed. I wasn't aware how smart I sounded until then. I am not saying I see myself as a dumb person. I meant it in the sense of, “Damn! You actually wrote that?!”

At a time, I struggled with making friends here. I understand that friendship requires commitment and efforts and I don't know if I can give that. There are times I disappear from this app; I don't think is proper to leave anyone hanging during those period. But I connected with people. I reached out to people, I engaged with their posts and I dropped heartfelt messages about their writings in their inboxes. I mean, people here are badass writers! I also check up on people haven't seen their posts in a while.

is one of the few friends I made here. A genius coder that won't admit he is one.🙃 I made friends with too. Also, a genius law student. I really love and appreciate you guys writing.

I really want to make more friends in my second year on here. And I plan on working towards that.

With 14 newsletters in, I am proud of how far I have come. I overcame my fear. I picked up my pen. I showed up for myself and I proved to myself I had what it takes. Substack is one of my proudest achievements this year. I don't think that part would ever make sense to anybody. It might seem like I am repeating it wayy too much, but I dealt with imposter syndrome through this app and I am super happy about that. It's a decision that I would never regret for years to come. I would always say to myself,

“I showed up and did this!”

What To Expect In The Second Year…

Consistency is top off my list. I have seen what people did within three months here. They did that by always posting; from notes down to steady newsletters. I am not trying to put pressure on myself. I believe that if I can do 14 newsletters and that many notes, then I can certainly do more.

So, expect double my efforts. And if I didn't do that, I am definitely going to call myself out in the second year anniversary newsletter.

I read a post by Moh here and he emphasized on writers creating art not content. That line just stuck to me. I intend to create art too. Pieces that make you sit long enough with feelings; pieces that educate you; pieces that are reeling and honest like Tobe’s. I intend to write funny and witty ones too. Overall, I intend to be myself. I have seen what I can do and I know I can do better. That first year was just a tip of the iceberg.

Just like I said earlier, I intend to make friends too. I want a community of dream chasers, people in love with words, people that appreciate good literary works. And I know I can find them on here. I just want a close knit circle of people that we share love and passion for the same thing. I love how curious and intelligent the mind of a writer is.

I want to hit a thousand subscribers too. I honestly don't know how to go about that. But it is something I really wish for.

Now, I am not seeing Substack as that random decision I made last year December. Now, I have plans and goals. Would I have fun while achieving it? Definitely! But this time with a refreshed purpose and determination. I want to see how far I can take this.

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Giving Honour To Whom Honour Is Due…

I didn't start this journey alone. I made it through with the support of God and I don't think this journey was possible without God. Every single line I have written was an inspiration from God. God reminded me that He didn't give me this gift to lay it to waste. He gave me to become something of myself. And I believe and know He will help me to use it to my full potential.

I am also grateful to my friends. Those guys are the real gees! They are gems! And their constant support gave me the push I really needed. From the man in whom I found love in, who kept pushing me to make my first Newsletter post and who I always run to whenever the emotions of I don't know what to write get to me. Thank you for the support you have given to my writing so far. I really appreciate your presence in my life.

To, , my favorite friend (as she likes to be called 😂), thank you too. Excel created a Substack account just because of me and she engages with every one of my posts down to my notes. Like she takes time out just to binge read every single notes I have written. And she comments on them. That kind of commitment is very rare to find. I really appreciate her presence in my life.

Another one of my realest gee is . My badass bead artist! CEO! The money woman! She is going to roast me for all the praises. According to her, I am hyping her too much. 😂😂 She also created a Substack account just because she wants to read my posts. She interacts with every of my notes too. And when we meet in school, she would keep asking me when next I want to post. And occasionally, she drops sweet notes. Thank you, my gee.

I can't forget I don't know if you remembered but I once promised you a shout-out. 😂 He is a big fan of my writing. He would always pester me to send the link to my newsletters so he could post it on his status. He would always come to my dm to ask me when next I would be dropping a newsletter. I appreciate your support a lot. For the push and words of encouragement, that's something I can never forget.

And to the best and grandest of them all, I thank each and every of my subscribers. All 223 of you. You guys are the real MVPs. Thank you for finding solace and comfort in my words. Thank you for the memorable journey the first year was. Let's do it again. I appreciate every single one of you.😊

I give myself a pat at the back of my head for finishing this. I almost gave up writing this. In case you see any typo while reading, pls kindly ignore it. I tried my best to proofread when I was down.

HAPPY ONE YEAR SUBSTACK ANNIVERSARY TO ME!!!!

I expect that from everyone of you. 🥺 Just kidding.😂 Thank you for reading!

And each time, I have imagined our love from the perspective the writer wanted me to see. I have imagined you loving me exactly the ways the writer has described. I have praised you for the ones that you meet up with. Gushed, even. And most times felt an overwhelming urge to brag about you.

And I have also reproached you. I have blamed you for the ones you fall short of.

"Why has he never cared to ask about my favorite coffee?"

"Why has he never cared to ask about the book I read last that made me cry?"

In moments like that, I have questioned our love. I have doubted it. I weighed the things you fell short of against the ones you meet up with, and the former weighed the most.

I have found myself asking, "Am I making a mistake? Did I choose the wrong person?"

Forgetting in my own ignorance other moments that I have termed as little. Other fleeting moments whose gestures stayed the longest in my heart.

Like the day you were absolutely worried there is nothing you can do but watch as I writhe in pain during my period. Or, the days you cheered me on the loudest when my fears were louder than my capabilities.

I have forgotten in my ignorance that if I discuss these things with you, you would gladly do it. I have forgotten that although you don't speak words of poetry, but for me you would gladly read them. You would happily watch me yap about them. That, the light in my eyes as I discuss them is enough to fill your heart with content.

That, our love lies in making the ordinary and mundane into cherished moments.

In those moments, I have also been blind to see that our love is not defined in the way everyone else love is. That, we are two parallel and different souls entwined. While I may describe and understand our love in words of poetry, you understand them logically.

As if a stranger's guide on how to love should absolutely rule how we feel.

But then, I realized something my love, I have also been selfish. Never for once have I asked myself if I love you like these writers describe.

Do I know why that is your favorite coffee?

You are not a reader of fiction (we are different when it is that). But, do I know quotes you read in a book that you can never forget?

Have I ever asked of a moment you cherish so much you would never want to forget?

Do I see you like you want to be seen? Know you like you want to be known?

In fact, do I love you like you want to be loved?

Why are you a sunset lover?

When does your laughter sound the loudest? When does your fingers tremble from unsaid emotions?

Am I even your safe space? Or, do I believe because we are in love I automatically am?

If you were to lose your memory today, what would I say or do to remind you of who you are? Out of all these questions, I sat with this the longest.

And for that, I owe you an apology my love. Perhaps, I have been too blind to see my own faults.

I have forgotten love is reciprocal. Yes, it is cute to receive all that love. But it is even cuter to give it. And for that, I promise to be fluent in you, my love.

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I was in the mood to write a love letter. So, I just thought, why not write one for my subscribers? To anyone who can relate to this feeling, this one's for you.

So, if you are new here and you are confused about what that intro is about. This is the episode 2 of ‘A day in my life as a final-year law student.

I just changed the title to ‘My LL.B Final Year Series’ and I might stick with that for the main time. Let me know what you guys think.

I have come to the stage in my life where the question, ‘What next?’ is constantly bothering me. What next after I get my degree? What next after school? Law school? Internship?

I have come to realize that this stage of my life is a soft launch into adulthood. I would stop using school as a guise to collect money from my dad or any uncle and aunt.

But honestly, I believe law students had a head start compared to students studying other courses. How do I mean? In 100 level, I made friends with students from other faculties and departments. And that was a fun ride until they got to 400 level. Naturally, I was unhappy that they are leaving . That I would have to spend my final year without them. And I had to wish them better luck in their future endeavours.

That's when I asked them, “What is the plan after school?”

Many were confused. Some had plans and some were just going to wing it. That's when it dawned on me that I am actually next. I am next to worry about project wahala, praying for a good project supervisor whilst still struggling with other usual academic activities.

And most importantly, I am next to worry about what to do with my life after school. Law school is there for law students, yeah. But law school is not immediately. The school needs to regulate its calendar because there are sets before mine that haven't even gone. So, give or take, I might still spend one year or six months before going to law school. The question is, what do I do till then?

Honestly, I have no answer for now. It is a stage in my life I haven't figured out yet. I don't know what next after this degree, at least before Law school. I don't have a one-year or two-year plan laid out for me to follow. And I am sure there are many in my shoes.

But I am optimistic. After all, the saying is, your twenties are for figuring yourself out. While I commend those that have figured out their life, I don't believe I am left behind. Or that I am slow in life. Or that I am missing out on something. To each their own path.

So, here's to discovering what life after LL.B holds for me. And if you are a law student reading this and you have any internship opportunity, pls plug me in. I am not lazy abeg. Let me shoot my shot😭😂.

That's all for today’s mini rant. Till next time guys. Thank you for coming to my Ted talk. Ciao!😊

From ‘why not?’ it became ‘why did I ever do this?’

I made this note on it. And because it, I started to feel like I challenged myself to finish it since I have already put it out there. I guess the question, ‘Can I know more about you?’ is indeed a difficult one to answers. Overall, it was a fun experience writing this.

Let's get right into this newsletter. (In Meede’s voice)

1. I love my handwriting.

2. I love love.

3. I love kdramas.

4. I love writing.

5. I love those random moments of motivation.

6. I love academic validation. (Even though I don't get it often.🥲)

7. I love buying new things. I don't think anyone gets anticipatory as I do whenever I order for anything.

8. I love the smell of new books. This is my secret to reading early in the beginning of a semester.

9. I love the smell of old books.

10. I love the smell of rain after a long period of dry or sunny season. It is a distinct and pleasant earthy odour. It is called Petrichor.

11. I love gifting people and receiving gifts. Gifting is my love language.

12. I love the relief that comes from standing under a running shower after a long and tiring day.

13. I love God.

14. I love my siblings.

15. I love my mum.

16. I love my babe.

17. I love a clean and organized space.

18. I love buying new pens and notebooks.

19. I love listening to Asake and Seyi Vibez.

20. I love touching my breasts. It is calming.

21. I love spending my money.

22. I love spending someone else's money even more.

23. I love myself. I added this as an afterthought because it is crazy I mentioned everyone except myself.

24. I love the thrill of talking stages. Yes, let's act like I don't know you are trying to impress me.

25. I love the thrill of having intellectual conversations.

26. I love discovering movies that few people like. It feels like a secret rendezvous.

27. I love sleeping. I consider it an important hobby.

28. I love staying at home. If it is not necessary, don't invite me.

29. I love going out once in a while. Contradicting right? I am not against having fun.

30. I love going on long road trips.

31. I love surprises.

32. I love my sharp wits and quick thinking skills.

33. I love writing this. I didn't know I have so much to talk about.

34. I love genuine people. Playing mind games is exhausting.

35. I love reading.

36. I love ‘s YouTube videos and everything she posts.

37. I love ‘s notes. It is my source of motivation.

38. I love snacks. I have a sweet tooth.

39. I love food—a lot.

40. I love cooking my food.

41. I love learning.

42. I love emotionally intelligent people. It is a very underrated trait that most people lack.

43. I love respectful people.

44. I love people that correct with love. Most people throw harsh words around when things don't go their way.

45. I love intentional people.

46. I love my name.

47. I love daydreaming.

48. I love unapologetic and true romantics.

49. I love dressing up.

50. I love touching my man’s bum bum.

51. I love the thrill of solving crime drama.

52. I love psychological thrillers. Especially anything on psychopath.

53. I love pap—a lot.

54. I love the way I write my Substack's notes. One point, one sentence per paragraph. That's my artistic touch.

55. I love perfumes.

56. I love people that smells nice.

57. I love hearing ‘send me your account number.’

58. I love short braids.

59. I love journaling. It is revealing a lot about me that I didn't even notice.

60. I love doodling.

61. I love being non-verbal for some minutes after I wake up.

62. I love people that understands number 61 above.

63. I love cakes.

64. I love ice cream.

65. I love reading the book rather than its movie adaptation. It just doesn't hit the same.

66. I love hard copies of Novels as opposed to PDFs.

67. I love the Substack community.

68. I love wearing trousers a lot.

69. I love that I don't know how to use emojis and I never learned.

70. I love baggy pants.

71. I love yearning.

72. I love people that have impacted my life at any point in time.

73. I love tattoos on white and Asian men.

74. I love old British accents. It is sexy.

75. I love the Italian accent.

76. I love feminist men.

77. I love it when my dresses have pockets.

78. I love ladies. Not in a lesbian way.

79. I love James Arthur's songs. Dear Santa, I would love to attend his concert someday.

80. I love Ed Sheeran's songs.

81. I love modest fashion.

82. I love Nkiri. Thanks to them I watch a lot of kdramas.

83. I love that I am a pro at making Pap. You know that hot water method? Yes, easy-peasy.

84. I love fried stew made with the groundnut oil used to fried Titus fish.

85. I love people that don't impose their religion or try to turn their friends worshipping another religion into theirs.

86. I love being a writer.

87. I love compliments I get from people about my writing.

88. I love my mind.

89. I love that I am self aware. I have already called myself out before you did.

90. I love my friends.

91. I love psychology a lot. I want to make a friend in that field.

92. I love matured people.

93. I love people that mind their business.

94. I love empathy.

95. I love learning new languages. Even though I always run away from Duolingo’s lessons.

96. I love social media. It has touched lives so many times. And in the negativity, I have been exposed to diverse and insane views that I didn't know could exist.

97. I love people that know how to take pictures.

98. I love people that know how to strike poses. I fail terribly at this.

99. I love you if you read up to this. Two thousand kisses for you.

100. I love people that have believed me even in moments I have doubted myself.

     Thanks for reading Mide's Musings! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.

     ---

Let me know the ones that resonate with you in the comments. If you have ever wondered who Olamide Ajasa is in hundred more intimate ways, there you have it.

I attended a Lecture on Thursday. It was a lecture organized by the Alumni association of my school. And the theme was; The Future of Legal Practice: Embracing Technology and Innovation. That basically means, they were here to talk about how technology can determine and has determined the future of legal practice.

It was a fun and interactive lecture then it got to the Question and Answer segment. They called on the students to ask questions and only 5 came out. I wanted to come out too. I had a question for one of the guest speakers because his field of practice was entirely new to me. So, I wanted him to shed more light on it.

I didn't come out because I was scared of standing in front of everyone to talk. And, I justified that feeling by saying, ‘Isn’t it Data Protection Law? I can easily check Google for its meaning. There is no need to ask just such a dumb question.’

What I did started to pain to me when the five students that asked questions were awarded with prizes because they asked questions. Initially, they were to receive only one jotter. But the guests wanted to praise them for being courageous enough to stand up in the midst of everyone and ask questions.

They were awarded with cash prizes, a book by the Dean of our Faculty, a book on Data Protection Law written by the speaker whom my question would have been directed to. One of them even got an internship opportunity.

I was very pained in that moment. “Oh my God, this should have been me. Why couldn't I go up there to talk?” Blah, blah, blah.

But that's not the point of this newsletter. I already picked my lessons from that. Being shy will hinder you from entering places you could even possibly deserve. You would even wonder what the point of being shy is, because eventually you have nothing to lose.

My point is, each of the five students that stood up to ask questions did not ask for the sake of asking questions. They had genuine and important questions to ask. Questions that I—in fact, we all—learnt from.

One of them talked about how he developed an AI for a client in Pakistan and he needed to convince people that the AI won't give generative responses like other AIs do. And how could he go about it?

In my mind, I was like, “You have developed AI ke? Broo, the only thing on my mind right now was what I would eat after I leave this lecture. And you are out here developing AI. What am I even doing with my life?”

But let's ignore my dramatic antics. My point is, this lecture provided all the five students a perfect opportunity to ask questions as it relates to that theme that has been bothering them. And they got answers from experts that were already in the field.

They were leaving that hall differently from all of us. That's because they have curiously fed their minds prior to the event holding and they left with their curiosity satisfied. As for us, we were just learning something. Our mind needs to reflect on what we have learnt before we even get curious to ask questions.

So, yes, Readers are Leaders. You need to read to water a curious mind.

That's just a side gist about me. I wonder if I should turn this into a series.🤔

Anywayssss….How is it going with you guys?😊 Happy new month.😁 Better late than never, yeah?😉😂

It was not too formal. I see other writers here sharing their thoughts, views and even personal life. I knew I could do that. It was easy.

I struggled a little with picking my first post. What should I talk about? What would interest people?

Then, I felt, why not start with my struggle? Why not talk about the reason why I stopped writing?

Honestly, it felt so good. The words were flowing, I didn't think too much. I was merely sharing my thoughts. The engagement was good too. I got subscribers and compliments.

I felt, “That's it. I can definitely do better than this. I can give these people more things to look out for.”

In all truthfulness, the mindset was right. I can definitely do better. After all, that is the goal; to be better.

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But you see, I created unnecessary pressure for myself. I wanted to give my subscribers something to look out for. So, I eagerly searched for my next topic.

Was it easy to find? Yes, it was. It was a hot topic, the center of every human struggle. I quickly started my research. When it was time to write, I understood the weight of the pressure I had on myself.

First, I didn't know how to start. How should I capture the reader's interest? Should I start with a story? Ha! Maybe I should make a friend my muse!

You see, as writers, the moment we allow our writing to be clouded by expectations and pressure, we lose our true writing voice.

True writing comes from within. How you put down those words without overthinking it. How the words come to you.

You see, it is okay to struggle at articulating your thoughts. Sometimes when I write, I feel someone out there could say what I am about to say better. Or I could have said it better; probably with more refined words.

But then,one thing I noticed is that, those pieces or post that we wrote at random moments of sadness or joy. The ones we wrote when we are feeling raw, gains more popularity than the ones we try to make perfect.

When I finished researching for my second post, all the things I learnt rushed to me at once(not literally, but you get my point 😂) . I wanted to write down everything I learnt but at the same time I didn't want my post to be too long. I wanted to sift out the main points and make it relatable. I didn't want to sound formal.

So, I got stuck. I wrote everything down. Looking back, I could have made it better. But I won't change it. Why? That post should be an example for what happens when I rush through things.

Hence, dear writers, remember to write because of the joy you find in writing. Don't write because of anyone's expectations. You don't need a theme before you write. You don't need to make your Substack about one theme, you can make it flexible.

Remember, the first step to writing is not to overthink.

Would you believe I wrote this post on a random day that I didn't plan to write and I wrote with a banging headache? Yeah, I also underestimate myself sometimes.

EDIT: I wrote this and left in my draft since January 2. I was going through my draft now and I read this. I don't even have a reason for not posting this masterpiece. Guys, this is a remainder to go through your draft today.

It is a good thing to go to school, get a job and get married. I am not disputing that. What I am saying is, don't live your life in that synchronized pattern.

There is more to life than just that. Yet, somehow we have been sold that propaganda as the secret to a perfect life. And people living outside of that box has been shamed and shunned.

I met a guy in school. We spoke and during our conversation he mentioned how coming to school feels forced to him. I was interested. So, I told him to tell me more. He mentioned that if he has his way, he wants to drop out. His major interest right now is outside of formal education. He doesn't take classes serious and most importantly, he doesn't see himself working a 9 to 5 job.

But when he tried discussing this with his parents, they didn't understand. To them, education is the only key to success. And dropping out means his village people has gotten to him. They have somehow changed his mind from not achieving his destiny.

I understood his parents’ concern. No parent wants to see their child straying the wrong path. So, I asked, “Are you being unserious with this your interest?”

He said no. He was growing at it and there are evident changes. But it was a venture that is foreign to his parents. No matter how much he explains, they just couldn't get it. They believe he was only providing excuses to be unserious with school.

But he made a statement. When it comes to them, he understood why they will think like that. We are generations apart, and in their generation, education was the most popular path to success. Their orientation has been sensitized to believe everybody needs to go to school to be successful. What he does not understand is youths of his own generation giving him the stink eye because of the path he has chosen. They somehow believe he was trying to cheat the system and that cannot produce any unserious result.

I absolutely agree with that. People don't understand the concept of free will. This is your life. Only you can mold it the way you want. Only you can shape it the way you choose. You are not limited to living your life the popular way.

Nobody is trying to cheat the system if they choose to not follow that pattern. And that doesn't stop doors from opening up for them. You can be anything you choose to be. If you want to go to school, work 9 to 5 and then get married, do it on your terms. Don't do it because it is the most popular way to living. Discover yourself.

Look at Tunde Onakoya, that man has made a name for himself for being a Chess master. I wonder how many people must have laughed at him back when he was still struggling to be known. I wonder how many people would have told him to quit that ‘nonsense’ and use his certificate to get a job. But look at where he is now. Look at the opportunities and doors that have opened for him because he pursued his interest.

We see tweets and posts everyday of people shaming others—women, most especially—that have decided not to get married or have children.

“Why would you want to cheat the order of nature?”

“God ordained us to be on Earth to procreate. Why are you defying God's order?”

Imagine telling another person to make use of their free will on your own terms. That's exactly what they are doing. There are millions of people out there waiting and willing to get married. But the few minority should be shamed for choosing otherwise. Make that makes sense.

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Also, using your free will is not restricted to this sense. It can exists in everyday habits that we are so scared to try out.

My best friend makes vlogs of herself whenever she is returning from class. She would record herself ranting or talking about how her day went. The most significant things about her day, the people that pissed her off, any gist whatsoever. And she always makes the video while walking by the walkway.

One day, I messaged her. “Are you not shy that people are going to be looking at you? I don't think I can ever do this. I would feel everyone is staring at me.”

And she replied, “Olamide, try it out someday. It is not as bad as it looks. You will definitely get used to it.”

Have I tried it out? No. Will I try it out? Yes. Why? Her words were very encouraging.

Some people are out there scared of starting content creation because they think people are going to laugh at them. Someone is ignoring a call for evangelism because they are scared of talking in a public bus.

The plain truth is, people are always going to talk. That's human nature. But don't let people stop you from being who you want to be.

Remember and say to yourself always, ‘I have a freewill. I will do things on my own terms.’

I confronted him. I asked him questions to be sure I was not overreacting. But as expected, he denied it. Mind you, this was not the first time he was doing such. The first time such happened, I ignored it. I made excuses for him. But this time, the hurt went deep. So, I was done.

With all that emotions, I made a voice note on WhatsApp and hurled all sort of insults at him. Very colorful ones, in fact. And I made it clear this line he crossed was one we could never walked back from. We stopped talking since then.

Last month, I was self reflecting on the altercation. I became very uncomfortable about my response. I blamed myself for going through such lengths.

“What could have been so bad that you had to call him such names?”

I felt there were so many ways I could have handled that. Why did I have to choose that approach? That was not me. It was very wrong of me to use such words on him no matter what he could have done.

Yes, he hurt me by his words. But I went really low by responding like that. It was not in me to match aura with aura. I started overthinking the whole incident. How could I walk away from this? How can I get rid of the guilt?

So, I made a decision to apologize to him. I would apologize for the voice note but make it clear that this was not a call to rekindle our friendship. And that I was still very much hurt and annoyed by what he did.

Before I did that, I confided in my friend. I poured out all my worries, concerns and decision. We had a lengthy conversation about it. My friend insisted that I should not apologize. That my feelings were valid and my reaction at the moment was very valid.

It is worthy that I mention this. I am not sharing this to badmouth Tade. Neither am I seeking validation for my actions. I learnt a lesson from this altercation and I thought it was worthy to share.

Anyways, I didn't agree with my friend's opinion. I was far blinded by my guilt. And I think my friend noticed this too. They supported my decision. If apologizing to Tade would clear my guilt of this, then I should do it. But before I do that, I should ask why I want to do this. Beyond the guilt, I should find the reason why.

I sat with that question. Then I realized, the real reason I wanted to apologize to Tade was because I cared about how others would see me. If Tade told our mutual friends or acquaintances about the fight, they would go, “Ha, I didn't know she was that type of a girl.”

I thought my anger defined my whole personality. That because I took that action when I was angry, then definitely that's who I was. I forgot that angry me is just another shade of me. There is loving me, funny me, respectful me and other shades.

I really wanted to repair my reputation before everyone Tade might have talked about me too. I wanted him to go back and say, “She apologized for the voice note. I guess she realized she went too far. What did I say that warranted that kind of response?”

I wanted to remain a ‘saint’ before their eyes. The girl that doesn't get angry. The girl that laughs off every thing. I wanted to remain in their good books.

It is utterly absurd how bad my people pleasing got to me. I am scoffing as I am writing this. I can't believe how bad me pleasing people got that I was ready to downplay my feelings to satisfy a certain image people held of me. And in the words of my friend, I forgot that apology might signal to Tade that I was desperate for our friendship once more. Or, that it might signal to Tade that I was the one in the wrong after all.

So, I made a different decision. I don't owe Tade an apology. I owe myself an apology instead. I already did a good thing by self reflecting on the fight and realizing my actions that day were not the best that it could have been. That's good. It is okay to know that if I were put in that same situation I wouldn't react that same way. That's growth.

That decision drowned the guilt I felt for making that voice note. So instead;

I owe myself an apology for thinking stooping so low to that level was the best way to express my hurt. I owe myself an apology for the times I have thought of downplaying my feelings to preserve a certain image of me others held. I owe myself an apology for regarding other people's feelings above mine. And lastly, I owe myself an apology for all the actions I have taken because I was pleasing others.

In that moment, my only concern was how I would explain the meaning of ‘celibate' to an 11-year-old in the presence of my parents. Thankfully, he didn't ask.

Later, when I was replaying that incident in my mind, I realized something. Sex education is such a sacred discussion in most African homes.

Mention the word ‘sex’ and be prepared to be thrown gutter looks. Prepare to be asked a lot of questions about where you learnt the word from. Even as an adult, most African parents are okay acting like they don't know their child could be sexually active. They know you might be, but they would never admit that.

I don't know about you guys. But it is only in American movies that I see parents being worried about how to have the birds and bees talk with their child. Mind you, I am not trying to avoid the word ‘sex education’, but that's what they mostly refer it as—the birds and the bees talk.

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Here is the thing, the Americans are not any different from us. Yes, they are more open-minded about sex than us. To them, it is not strange to see a sexually active child of fifteen years old. But then, newsflash, it also happens here. There are children who are sexually active by fifteen. Tradition, purity culture, misogyny, etc., are what is hushing them from openly declaring that. So, I really don't understand why most parents are shying away from it. What better is it than to keep your child well informed about sex education so they can make informed choices rather than learn these from their friends or worse, the internet?

The closest thing the girl child got to sex education was the statement most mothers make when a pad is handed to her on her first menstruation.

“Don't move close to any boy oo.”

Whatever does that mean?

As for the boy child, whenever they notice he has started going on a frolic of his own, they warn;

“If you impregnate any girl, it would be on you oo.”

As if to endorse that, ‘Yes, have sex all you want, you are that age. But once it gets to pregnancy level, we are not involved.’ That one itself is wrong on so many levels, but I am not here to discuss the misogynistic side of it.

I have a male friend who was genuinely concerned and surprised when he learnt about menstruation. He only had a general idea, that women bleed every month. He didn't know the pain was severe enough to make a lady roll on the floor. Or that the pain differs from ladies to ladies. Neither did he know there are blood clots. I was telling him one day to stop making me laugh so hard because it was increasing my period flow. He was genuinely concerned and I began another lecture.

The reality is that whenever talks on menstruation are held, males are segregated. Every time Always came to address us when I was in secondary school, it would be announced on the assembly that they are here to discuss sacred girl talks. I am not talking down on Always effort to make the girl child more informed. But we all forget that the boy child grow up to become brothers, husbands, father and a male adult.

Annoyingly, they become a male adult on the street of Twitter delivering hot takes about women with little or no knowledge.

“These girls overreact about their menstruation pain.”

“I would gladly go to my friend that was shot than a wife that is in labour. Labour is not life threatening.”

Now, menstruation is just an aspect of sex education. Let's talk about sex itself. A lot of guys don't know penetrative sex and ejaculating in a woman is not the only way to get her pregnant. There is precum.

A precum sometimes contain a little bit of sperm and that can impregnate a lady. And sex is not limited to intercourse, there is outer course like fingering, etc. Each with its own education.

I have to admit that at this point, I am starting to feel like the bad egg here. Like I am dishing out very crude information. I don't even have all the knowledge there is on sex education. But speaking about it like this feels like I am unwrapping a sacred discussion. A discussion that should only be said in hushed tones. It is as if I am publicly proclaiming that everyone should have sex. Or I am publicly endorsing fornication.

But here is the thing, in this century, people are now more open minded. Religion, purity culture, tradition are being overrode by personal beliefs and convictions. You can choose to shame anyone for having sex. But who knows what you are doing in closet?

So, I am saying, if you must have sex, be informed. And I am saying, our parents need not shy away from talks like that. It is better to be informed, properly guided according to religion or whatever beliefs, than to make a costly mistake. Than to be ignorant. Or, worse, rely on online information and words by friends.

My first ever Valentine gift was 2 stick sweets. And, no, I wasn't in primary school when I received it. It happened very recently. Yes, I was in my twenties when I received two stick sweets as my first ever Valentine gift.

Now, you might ask,

“Was it from your brother?”

But guess what? It was actually from the love of my life.

I know you are now very confused. And you might have questions ranging from;

“How broke was he that 2 stick sweets was all he could afford?”

“Wait.. are you guys even official? Were you guys in a situationship? That is not even an excuse. Even people in the talking stage gets wayyy better gifts.”

“Was he not aware that it was your first ever Valentine? How did he miss the chance to create the best memory for you?”

And some questions might even blame me,

“You waited to date in your twenties only to date a broke guy?”

If you ever had any of these questions(or even worse ones), all of it are valid. If someone else had told me this, I would also think the same thing.

“2 stick sweets as a valentine gift? The guy does not rate you at all!”

But, do you know there is another point of view to this? For me to have worded the statement that way, that was exactly what I wanted you to think. I wanted you to be of the impression that the guy failed miserably by giving me just 2 stick sweets. I could have worded that differently.

You still don't get it? Now, let's switch things up!

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My first ever Valentine gift was the most thoughtful of all gifts I have ever received. Honestly, I have always wondered why ladies made a big fuss over valentine gifts. Some even go as far as threatening to break up with their boyfriend if they didn't get one. But that day, I eventually understood why.

There was so much intentionality behind the gift. I didn't know my boyfriend pays attention to what I say until I was presented the gift.

Can you see how dreamy and superb I described it? If I had started the newsletter this way, the romantics would have been gushing and ‘awwing’

And the pained singlets would have been rolling their eyes. Calling me ‘oversabi’, while secretly wishing their turn would come.

If this was a one-on-one conversation, you would have asked curiously and excitedly,

“What did he gift you? Tell us!!”

Smiling coyly, I would have replied, “That is a secret.”

Your imagination would blow up like your disappointment. And you would begin to wonder,

“He probably gave her lots of money.”

“Or an expensive curated valentine package!”

Some of you might even defend him,

“It is her first ever Valentine, I am sure she got the best treat. What guy would not want to make that the perfect memory?”

And none of you would have thought it was 2 stick sweets.

Now, before you get distracted by my amazing storytelling skills, where are my going with all this?

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Narratives shape perception. The way you started narrating the incident, the tone you used, the pauses, they all shape the way the listeners interpret the incident.

Most times, we have a way of leading others to choose a side with the way we narrate a scenario. We forget that we are the ones that have the full facts of the incident. We forget that if they view the incident from the perspective we narrated it, they would most likely have a wrong import of the incident.

That is why you naturally assumed my boyfriend must have been a bad person for gifting me 2 stick sweets. And that it was right of you to think that.

But, if in the first paragraph, I had started by telling you how excited I was that my boyfriend noticed that I loved something and gifted me that thing. Or if I had started the newsletter with me describing it in a dreamy way. No one would consider him gifting me two stick sweets as something bad.

Rather, you would be amused. Your reaction would have been,

“You must have liked that sweet so much for your boyfriend to have gifted you that.”

Wait! I am not blaming you. Here is this thing, most of us do this without even realizing. We do it subconsciously without any intent to cause confusion. When we narrate incidents, we just pick it from any point without considering what the listener would think.

I do it too. There are times I would be gisting with a friend about another person. But my friend would get a wrong idea that I dislike this person. However, once I finish the gist, they would just go, “Oh! That makes sense now.”

Now, imagine the damage that would have happened if I had stopped my gist abruptly. They would have inherited a beef with that person.

Hence, the way we narrate an incident shapes the listener’s reality. It shapes not just their impression of the event, but their impression of the people involved.

The listeners fills in the blank with their own assumptions, biases and past experiences. And, in the end, they ‘judge’.

Remember, People don't just hear what you said—they hear what they believe you meant.

I am back again👋. Hi, lovelies. How have you guys been?😊

What changed since the last newsletter?🌚🤔

We got a logo guys! 🤭 Let me know what you think of it in the comment section.

Do well to like and engage this post.

See you when I see you. Byeee!

I am awkward.

I make people around me uncomfortable. I am that person that sits in a corner in a room full of people. I don't know how to vibe and converse with people, so I just sit and watch everyone have fun.

When someone tries to talk to me, I am that person that suddenly stutters, make blunders and won't say anything meaningful. I end up making that person uncomfortable. So, I get left alone.

That sounds familiar right? That is exactly what goes on in some people's head 24/7. They think only of their flaws.

Even worse, they think of their good qualities as flaws.

You still don't get it? Now, let's talk about my good qualities. The ones that you don't see and get overshadowed because I keep talking about the bad ones.

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I am a great listener. I like to hear people talk about themselves. It helps me get to know them better. I get familiar with their opinions, mindset and thought process.

I get to hear them rant about things that annoys them, curse out people they don't like. Sometimes, I get to hear them speak about what causes them pain. And for that, I have offered advices and consolations when necessary. I have a personality that makes people want to talk to me.

I am also intelligent. I have noticed that I usually grasp things quickly once I sit down to study. I can easily grasp new concepts and topics; and for these reasons I flow easily in any conversation. It is something I am really grateful for.

Now, at this point you might think all these sounds like I am bragging. But I am not. Bragging is when you speak of your achievements in an exaggerated manner and particularly dismissive of others. You sound annoying and self centered.

‘I had straight As in all my courses this semester and I only studied a week to the exam.’

Or, even worse, you try to bring another person down while doing it.

‘Unlike some people that attends every classes and read everyday, look at me, I didn't even do all that and my As are solid and complete’.

Both statements are bragging. But with the former, that is positive self talk. It is a confident self expression. I am aware of my abilities and I am speaking in that respect.

Now, imagine I introduced myself to you from the seventh paragraph; “I am a great listener..” As you keep reading further, I continue to make a good impression. You will most probably be wowed! And even better, you will wish you were like me. In fact, you won't think I have any flaws. You would want to know me better and most likely be my friend.

Now, that is just your impression of me. As for me, it speaks of me as a confident person. Yes, I understand I have flaws and that I am working on them. But I didn't allow my flaws to define me. My outward appearance reflects my good qualities, so I create a lasting impression of a good and confident person.

But if I present myself the way I started this newsletter, people won't want to know me. I would appear timid and easily influenced by people. I would keep saying, ‘I am sorry’ even when I have done nothing wrong. People won't find me interesting enough to find out that I could also be the same person in the seventh paragraph.

Positive self talk builds confidence. It makes you believe in yourself more without needing anyone's validation.

That's why you will tell someone, ‘Oh! You are beautiful.’

And they would reply, ‘I know.’

They are not snobbish. They are saying that even without your validation they already think of themselves as one.

So, when next you stand before the mirror, say to yourself, ‘I AM BEAUTIFUL. I AM BRILLIANT. I AM OUTSTANDING.”

Repeat it like a mantra and mean it sincerely. You can tweak it if you want to.

Hi, lovelies😊. I see all your comments, restacks and likes. I just want to say I genuinely appreciate each and everyone of you. Thank you for supporting my work🤭

‘I am meeting up with some friends for drinks by noon.”

“I have up to six Owambe parties to attend this month.”

“I was feeling down today, so I went for shopping.”

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Yeah, it is cool if you can afford to live like that. But the average person life is mundane, predictable and follows a routine. I already know the sequence my day is going to follow. Wake up, pray, do some chores, bath, leave for school- rinse and repeat. And a little sprinkle of occasional inconveniences, but nothing too major to handle.

The average person has quiet days. We have uneventful days. We have lazy days. Not everyone has a thrilling life. Not everyone has a back to back exciting life, and that's okay.

But, here is what I realized, perhaps I should make my day fun in my own way. Instead of sticking to my everyday routine, why not spice it up a little bit?

So, I started giving myself something to look out for. Or indulge myself in out of character things.

My steps while going on errands became slower. I started taking notice of the nature around me. It was quite fascinating. I now understand why people take pictures of the sky.

I started going on walks too. I know the questions you want to ask. “Going for a walk in a Nigerian neighborhood? Where is the cool scenery? The beautiful side walks? The roadside bench? Where will you even be headed? Do you just want to be walking aimlessly?”😂

At first the idea felt strange to me. But since it was a personal challenge, I tried not to overthink it. In fact, that was exactly what made it fun. I didn't have a destination. I just want to walk around my neighbourhood and enjoy cool breeze. So, I didn't have to walk fast like I would if I had a destination in mind. It felt like I was doing something for my pleasure.

It was on one of my walks I discovered one peculiar red apple tree in Mummy Dayo’s compound. It has a big seed in the middle and is watery when you eat it. And it tastes very sweet when it has ripened to black. I just wish I know the name.

I met Aishat on the bus during one of my little shenanigans. That day, I was determined to read a book on the bus instead of listening to music like I always do. But I only had a self help book with me. She found my act a little pompous- and no, it was not because I was reading on the bus(which I got a few side eye for by other passengers), but because I was reading a self help book. That was how we started arguing about fictional books and self help books.

On other days, that I get even bolder, I started a conversation with Samuel. And no, we didn't exchange numbers. I didn't with Aishat either. Some events are better as memories, even if it is a one time thing.

In essence, romanticize your life. You don't have the money to afford the glamour? That's okay. Give ‘glamour’ another definition. Find the meaning to your own ‘glamour.’

It's been a minute on here, hasn't it?😊