There’s a joke…there’s two kinds of men, those who are bald and those who will be bald.

But the original joke is…there’s two kinds of men, those who have back pain and those who will have back pain

At a certain point in life, all the men you meet will be bald with back pain. Some of these men are rich. Some are poor. Some raised kids; others did not. Some are obnoxious. Others are funny. But all of them are bald, have bad backs, and will one day have prostate cancer…if they’re lucky enough to live long enough to get it.

There is no escape. Enjoy every moment while you still have your health. If you got your health, you got it all.

Happy Friday. Good shabbos.

Meet the NEW OJM intern…

welcome 아니카

아니카 applied. Yes, she was the only one to send in a formal application for this very prestigious role. The fellas are still trying to figure out how to pronounce 아니카 but the OJM Culture desk is confident they’ll get it eventually. We’ll keep you updated.

Regardless, Dave, Aaron and Bob are calling this the OJM international expansion. This is the first step towards opening our East Asian charter.

Nobody knows exactly what 아니카 does, but she just keeps showing up - every morning 아니카 arrives at 730 sharp and immediately starts working harder than everyone else. The guys communicate with her fakakta hand signals, pointing at dirty napkins and saying ‘yeah sure whatever, go for it, sweet heart’. 아니카 has already become the most competent person in the office. Management considers this a huge success and is now looking into getting a second intern.

Looking for a Fourth to…

It’s September but it’s not too early to start thinking about soup. That weather out there? Yeah it’s warm. Not exactly hot meal weather, but it’ll change. At least it has every other year we’ve been alive. But who knows, maybe this time the weather doesn’t change. Will you still reach for the ladle?

If winter never comes, will we still eat soup?

Yikes.

Summer is about shot. So Pack it in with some OJM vintage products

If you like it, too bad. It’s out of stock. Gone forever. The license ran out on this illustration and we’ll never shell out for it again.

OLD JEWISH MEN IN THE WILD

LETS WRAP IT UP

→ Complaint of the week by our in house complaint queen, Leecy Davis.

I can’t stand people who stand right in front of an elevator. On it or waiting for it. If you’ve done elevators enough in your life you know someone’s coming on or off, so why set yourself up to get run into? Do you think you’re the only person using the elevator? I don’t actually want to know the answer to that, because I know people like this do. Stand back, step aside, and don’t be a nuisance.

→ Joke of the Week (George Burns)

If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.

→ Wisdom of the Week (Duke Ellington)

You’ve got to find some way of saying it without saying it.

→ Ask the (Eastern Standard Time) Rabbi

7:05pm: Shabbat begins ( it’s almost Rosh Hashanah)

8:03pm: Shabbat ends (more sweet cake next time)

To support “the cause” or whatever the hell this is pony up below.

Subscribe now

Right here, this one. Incase you missed it.

Subscribe now

In case you scrolled too fast here it is one more time. - THNX. OJM MGMT

Subscribe now

Never bet against Bobby C. He ain’t dead yet!

As quarter-Caro completists (we read three quarters of the first LBJ book), the OJM culture desk understands Bob’s will and the power of his determination to finish his 5,000+ page masterwork on Lyndon Johnson. Robert Caro comes from a long line of “Grumpy Intellectual” Old Jewish Men, as noted in another master treatise: The Old Jewish Men’s Guide to Eating, Sleeping and Futzing Around.But if a man can spend 87% of his life alone, researching, scribbling notes and outlines, and whiting out bad facts and poor sources on his typewriter, he won’t drop dead until the job is done. But it must be noted in the terms of the bet that if he does die before finishing Book Five of the LBJ series, his wife, Ina can finish it posthumously.

Old Jewish Men Fashion Corner!

Carnegie Deli Comes GRUMBLING back to Midtown

Carnegie Deli has killed more Jews than Germany, which is why theyre coming back to Midtown to finish the job. But will the old regulars actually be there, or did they all drop dead waiting for the check?

And if they do plan to come back, will they even recognize the place? or will they be too busy asking why the 22 year old waiter is taking their order with an iPad.

A FEW QUESTIONS: how much is a sandwich? Because if it’s $38, they might as well not even bother. And will it be kosher with a capital K? kosher-style, or just “Jewish-themed” with a neon sign and a $19 pickle like all the other places in Brooklyn nowadays. Looking at you GERTRUDES.

Will Carnegie bring back the humungous portions, or are we getting three slices of pastrami arranged vertically by a young chef named Marco?

Can old Jewish men still sit there for four hours over one cup of coffee, or will someone tell them their table has a two-hour minimum?

We want the old Carnegie back: enormous sandwiches, miserable waiters, old Jews arguing about politics, and a bill that makes you wanna jump off the Brooklyn Bridge.

LETS WRAP IT UP

→ Complaint of the week by our in house complaint queen, Leecy Davis.

Why are companies so obsessed with every employee getting along? I don’t need to be friends with these people. I don’t need to “like” them. We gotta get together for morale…you know what would help my morale? Not seeing any of you outside of business hours or hell, during business hours. My work is not affected by the absence or inclusion of a bunch of muppet shaped dodos with unamusing opinions. You want me to be at MY best — leave me alone.

→ Joke of the Week ()

98% of all human endeavor is killing time.

→ Wisdom of the Week (Jerry Seinfeld)

Forty to sixty is your prime. That’s when you know the most, you’ve seen the most, you understand the most and you still have some physical energy.

→ Ask the (Eastern Standard Time) Rabbi

7:16pm: Shabbat begins ( not going to shul tn)

8:17pm: Shabbat ends (more lemon cake next time)

A Beautiful Mind…

OBIT CORNER

Nancy died…

She was glamorous. Seductive. And smoked like a tar kiln. Nancy Kissinger, Wife of Former Secretary of State, gets the hell out of dodge at 92.

A foreign policy specialist, Nancy was a master chef when it came to navigating the Hollywood of the East Coast. She made it look glamorous. A tall, deeply tan shiksa on a mission. She and Hank were inseparable. As good lookin as it gets in D.C. Below is a picture of them together, and below that is a story about Nancy that sums her up pretty damn well.

“Months later, in a two-hour trial in Newark Municipal Court, Mrs. Kissinger testified that she had been escorting her husband to Boston for a triple-bypass heart operation and that he was under a doctor’s orders to avoid “upset of any kind.” The judge dismissed a misdemeanor charge of simple assault against Mrs. Kissinger, saying that there had been no bodily injury.” To read the actual obit click here.

OJM INTERVIEW CORNER PRESENTS:

Intelligence by E.Z. Rinsky

OJM: First of all How did you get our contact information?

EZR: I wish I could say I hacked you using AI. But the truth is last week at a cocktail party you drunkenly handed me your business card and told me to call you if I ever got a speeding ticket.
OJM: You’re a futurist? What’s so great about the future. Why does it matter if you don’t even know what it is yet?

EZR: Isn’t everyone a futurist? Nobody cares what happened in the world a month ago (Russia blah blah) and certainly nobody is living in the present

OJM: The past is better than the future because you can complain about it. What’s something that you haven’t gotten a chance to complain about yet that happened to you?

EZR: Basically everything. To paraphrase my eye doctor after my last vision test: “Well, listen pal. It’s not gonna get any better.”
OJM: So you’re some kind of writer. Congratulations on finishing a book. Who’s your ghost writer. How much coffee do you drink a day?

EZR: Two separate questions. My ghost writer is the homunculus–the little guy in my skull. Coffee is a bigger topic. I used to have two double-shots a day, but realized the afternoon dose wasn’t doing anything but making me more paranoid about anti-semitism. So one double-shot a day, in the morning. Cortados in the winter, iced espresso in the summer. My new book took four cortado seasons and three iced espresso seasons.

OJM: What do you do to stay out of shape?

EZR: Four days a week of exercising only my right arm and pec. My body is a mess. I spend most of my day trying not to tip over

OJM: When do you find the time to write? And why bother?

EZR: For the last twenty years, I’ve written six days a week for an hour and a half in the morning (before work). It started out as my passion. At this point it’s kinda like using the bathroom. I wake up having to do it–and if I don’t get it out of my system, the subway ride to work is gonna be a bummer.

OJM: Since we haven’t finished reading your book can you tell us what the over arching theme of it is? Do you think we need to finish it to get the full picture?

EZR: Log line: “In the near future, an oil painter is recruited to train the last AI that humanity will ever need.” In brief, the theme is ‘how can we ask a machine to do what we want, when we don’t even know what we want.” The whole book leads up to a point of ‘alignment’ - where the machine’s goals align with our own. No spoilers about how that turns out.
OJM: How has artificial intelligence helped you save money?

EZR: I used to have to call my grandma every Friday morning to ask for money. Now my voice clone makes the call. That’s an extra ten minutes a week I can use to write a book that will earn me nothing.
EZR: People were scared when the first dishwasher came out. They were afraid of the chemicals. Same goes for the VCR. We were scared of the internet too. Tennis players were frightened of pickleball.

OJM: Do you think our fear of artificial intelligence is deserved?

EZR: Part of the point of Intelligence is that we’re not even close to scared enough.
OJM: Are we in a bubble?

EZR: Maybe, but not in the way everyone thinks. Forget AI, it’s possible that the stock market is just rising because the dollars it’s denominated in are depreciating. This happens in third world countries when inflation goes crazy: the stock market rips. But that’s just because it’s better than holding depreciating cash. So you’re losing spending power even though the numbers on your Robin Hood account are going up.

Rinsky claims to be the first novelist releasing his book chapter by chapter, weekly on Substack. Click here to read and/or listen to the audio book.

OLD JEWISH MEN IN THE PRESS

GET THE SOCKS HERE:

HUBBA HUBBA

OLD JEWISH MEN IN THE WILD

LETS WRAP IT UP

→ Complaint of the week by our in house complaint queen, Leecy Davis.

I wish we’d cut the crap with kids and just be honest that for every decade of their life their body is going to break down and revolt until they die. It’s the truth! First puberty, then I apparently went through a “second” puberty recently - what the hell. Then your hormones start dissipating and your skin gets loose, and you can’t even eat cheese without needing a medic… things do NOT get better with age, which is why you should hold onto your youth as if it owes you money. Or make a plan now on how you will threaten your doctor for HRT. I’m going to drive mine mad by breaking into their house and rearranging their condiments.

→ Joke of the Week (Not sure who said this)

If Lenny Bruce was alive today he’d be dead.

→ Wisdom of the Week (Kafka)

A book must be the axe for the frozen sea within us.

→ Ask the (Eastern Standard Time) Rabbi

7:27pm: Shabbat begins (i’m not going to shul tn)

August 21st

8:27pm: Shabbat ends (more lemon cake next time)

Sat Aug 22nd

It’s

August.

And New York is a rotting tar pit

Who the hell wants to work?

when the streets smell like fish and diapers

Not me.

Not you.

And certainly Not our accounting department…

Marty Finkle , Hyman Gluck , Saul Schick.

Those guys are checked out.

None of them are at their desks.

So… why are we paying ‘em?

And when was the last time Izzy Golesky came IN to the office?

You know what?

Take him off the books RIGHT NOW. Golesky’s no good!

Never liked the guy!

no talent hack

Speaking of hacking.

Hopefully that dry cough Izzy was always complaining was just allergies…

Eh, life moves on…

Anyways,

It’s August and sometimes it’s good to take the foot off the gas…

from 15 MPH to 10

Because the second you stop working

The moment you say enough with the toiling

and quit your day job

to sit around eating waffles

Is when you drop dead.

Kicking back is an art form

that we know nothing about

As Old Jewish Men it’s our Job to work tirelessly until death.

Because this is what happens when nothing happens…

Remembering April 18th 1930… “A Day Without News.”

It’s hard to imagine a day without…Election meddling or strait of Hormuz negotiations and school shootings. No stock market crashes or car crashes or death by bacteria in fetid, still-water lakes. No sports game final scores, eating competition winners, Presidential tweets, senate runoffs, ballot box stuffing or assassinations. No tornados. No torpedos. No threat of the atom bomb. No torrential Rain. No obits. No sudden death. Nothing. No stagflation, no inflation, no plea bargains or court cases or plea deals. No death sentences or appeals and no class action suits or sales on suits or interest rate hikes. No nothing. A whole lot of nothing even just for one day. Nothing but a single radio voice declaring:

“There is no news.”

Jerry Seinfeld once said: It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper

Old Jewish Men in the Wild

LETS WRAP IT UP

→ Complaint of the week by our in house complaint queen, Leecy Davis.

I am not a fan of telling people to “smile,” but you don’t have to walk around like a miserable muppet 24/7. Met a neighbor (ew) and everytime I see this person it’s like they’re having the worst day of their life…everything about them screams misery, it’s honestly sad. But, worst of it, they make sure everyone around them knows their miserable. This is a thirty year old acting like an angsty teen - slumped over, huffing, a painful frown - I’ve never seen this person smile. You never know what’s happening in someone’s life, but it’s been two months of seeing them every day, and not one of those days have they ever seemed happy. I’d ask what’s the matter, but they make it clear they will not talk…all this to say, you don’t have to be smiley and happy-go-lucky all the time, but acting like a sullen teenager when you’re a grown adult with bills to pay is a BIT much…grow up, life is hard.

→ Joke of the Week (George Burns)

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring close knit family in another city.

→ Wisdom of the Week (George Burns)

Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair

→ Ask the (Eastern Standard Time) Rabbi

7:37pm: Shabbat begins ( not going to shul tn)

8:38pm: Shabbat ends (more lemon cake next time)

B’H (THANK GOD) THE WEEK IS OVER!

Thanks for reading old jewish men. have an ojm related pitch? A bad kidney? Wanna get bumped up the list? You came to the right place. Just write us a check and we’ll shoot you right up to the top of the heap.

Make sure it’s made out to our head consul: Hymie Steinbrenner, 66 Hanouku Alley. Wuhan, China.

Subscribe now

Subscribe now

ELVIS WAS A YID?: The secret story behind The King’s 24k Kishke Collars.

BREAKING: the King of Rock and Roll is a Yid. According to the OJM Archeological Desk, a man named Markus Stein (never trust a Markus with a ‘k’), dug up the King’s mom and found that Old Lady Presley was buried in an 18k chai necklace. Not only that, her tombstone says, “Now I know and you don’t!” Only Jews put jokes on their tombstones, everybody knows that.

Read the actual reported article here to learn more about Elvis’s secret Jewish past.

SOME MEN GET DRESSED!

Dave gets STYLED by Mordechai Rubinstein aka

Who the hell is Mordechai Rubinstein and what does he know about styling a mensch like Dave? Well, according to over at Vogue ( those big shots over there in the Freedom Prison Building), Rubinstein is the “King of Schmuck Style”. Rubinstein showed the world his tallis in 2019 when he styled Adam Sandler in Uncut Gems and Sandler miraculously didn’t file a restraining order.

Rubinstein knows how to look under the hood and find a rhinestone in the dungheap. If you didn’t know it, looking at these pictures of Dave (neck down), you might think you’re looking at the owner of The Hamptons.

What is a Two Cigarette moment? Bob Explains…

Old Jewish Men in the Wild

Dave’s Granddaughter is in a book!

LETS WRAP IT UP

→ Complaint of the week by our in house complaint queen, Leecy Davis.

My dog is downright cruel when she wants to go outside — barking, biting my heels, scratching me to death. Yet, when I take her out she wants to go right back inside. Yeah I’m complaining about my dog and you would too…in this heat you need to be damn sure you want to venture out, because I’m not sweating down my back for nothing. So, until further notice, I’m not taking my dog out unless she guarantees she’s going to walk (I’m never leaving my apartment again).

→ Joke of the Week (George Carlin)

If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

→ Wisdom of the Week (George Carlin)

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls

→ Ask the (Eastern Standard Time) Rabbi

7:46pm: Shabbat begins ( not going to shul tn)

8:48pm: Shabbat ends (more lemon cake next time)

Is it time to re-buy gold??

You heard it here at the OJM substack first: Gold is going to 10,000 this time around. This run will be parabolic. By Yom Kippur 2030 gold will be trading at 10,000 an oz. Rates will never go lower. Inflate away and buy the shiny stuff.

B’H (THANK GOD) THE WEEK IS OVER!

Thanks for reading old jewish men. have an ojm related pitch? A medical emergency? Call someone else. But if you need a quick obituary written , please let us know so we promptly outsource to one of our associates in Wuhan.

Subscribe now

OJM INTERVIEW CORNER PRESENTS:

CLIPPING WINGS

Mackerel Season” is the newest single from Clipping Wings, a New York-based duo composed of Ethan Levenson and Gianni de Falco. The song is a guitar-pop fever dream that traces the footsteps of its protagonist as he paces around Grant’s Tomb, a federal monument in uptown Manhattan. The accompanying video, directed by Moira Fett, portrays a Faustian bargain for intimacy, where an after-hours exchange spirals into chaos and leads to a painful epiphany. The song and video are now streaming on YouTube and Bandcamp.

OJM: You guys both look like you just crawled out of a Berlin dive bar. Are you smokers? If not, what’s your excuse for looking like that.

Clipping Wings (Gianni): A magician never reveals his secrets …

Clipping Wings (Ethan): *Laughs* I wouldn’t be caught dead with a cigarette

OJM: When was the last time you fellas got any sun on those cheeks? Ever heard of the beach?

Ethan: Do I look pasty to you? I just got back from a tennis tournament in Croatia and was caking the cream on heavy over there.

Gianni: We have some color. We played at Rockaway Beach on July 4th as a part of Shea Stadium’s summer shows. Ethan brought his sun shirt, and I’m not really one for swimming, so the amount of UV we consumed could be brought into question . . .

Ethan: That’s actually my Dad’s old shirt. It’s Solumbra.

OJM: So you’ve got a band called Clipping Wings (not a bad name, is that 3 syllables or 4?)- we were surprised you wanted to premiere it on The Old Jewish Men Newsletter. Got rejected by a lot of other places eh? Well, At least this isn’t the daily news. What do you think is the connection between old men and this single? Is there any OJM in this video.

Gianni: If only you were the Daily News, we could have had a two-bit headline and our grandmothers might finally be proud of us.

Ethan: Is this a premiere? Why didn’t the West Side Rag premiere this video? Old jewish men and Mackerel Season . . . well, there are a couple old men in the video, none of whom are Jewish, and that may have been an oversight on our part. We have a couple of guys getting up there in age in the video . . . My friend Charles East who is the President of the Lincoln Terrace Tennis Association, as well as the star of the video John Lepine. Members by association.

There’s a point where the narrator of the song confesses to wanting to be “neighborly, cool, and solvent”, which is in a way his attempt at finding inner peace. Do old men ever reach a true state of inner peace? Probably not, right? Likely wishful thinking

OJM: Speaking of singles, you guys married or what? Neither of you look particularly employed, but hey, this is New York. Women don’t want some paper pusher. Do your parents approve of this music video? What’s their opinion on your lifestyle choices?

Gianni: I’m employed and in a relationship, but not married. Our lifestyles aren’t too controversial, we eat fine, go to therapy, enjoy Prospect Park …

Ethan: Not married and somehow employed. My family had no idea what to make of the whole thing. I showed it to my Freudian-analyst-uncle at my Grandma’s 100-year birthday bash in New Haven and he didn’t say much about it. . . We’re frequently left with more questions than answers.

OJM: The video is well lit and moody. Looks like it was filmed at a butcher shop too. Who filmed it? How much did you pay them to make this video. Where is the butcher shop and what’s the connection with all the fish and meat in the video? Is that some kind of statement? Is one of you fish and the other one is meat?

Gianni: You’ve got the inside baseball I see. It was filmed at Empire Market in College Point, Queens. We first met John “Meat Jockey” Lepine at the now-defunct Bar None years ago, and always wanted to work on something together. The shop has been open for a hundred years, and it’s full of tchotchkes and relics and memories that have found their way into the space over time. Porcelain pigs next to yellowing children’s drawings, Slime Lickers and hot German mustard. A porno was allegedly filmed in the walk-in. The meat is probably the least interesting part if I’m being honest.

Our close friend Moira Fett directed the video. She’s immensely talented, and we’re so grateful to have had her onboard. She and Olivia Kimmel, who was the cinematographer, did an amazing job turning the shop into a seedy, sinister world.

Ethan: John’s shop is inevitably a place of legend. Isaac Babel has a character in Red Calvary named Gedali, an elderly man who insists on maintaining his market stall of trinkets and various miscellany in his town’s bazaar. He flits about, dusting his taxidermied eagle and withered flowers and unspecified skulls . . . I felt something similar to reading the Gedali chapter when we first went to visit the butcher shop. The whole place was vibrating under its own patina. We had no option but to shoot it there, didn’t we?

What are you, Gianni? I’m meat but I wish I were fish. Are you baiting me? *laughs* Sometimes I Wish We Were an Eagle . . . there you go.

OJM: What’s the most amount of money you’ve ever spent on a meal in New York City? Tell us about it. What are some restaurants with good value to get lunch?

Ethan: Sushi Yasaka on 72nd Street, Miyabi lunch.

Gianni: I hit big on a home run parlay last August and to celebrate Ethan and I went to The Grill. We needed to see the drama of the Baked Alaska in person.

OJM: Music like this isn’t straightforward. It makes you think. What’s it all about? But that’s a good strategy - because maybe it’s just a bunch of nonsense and random words and images and you havent got a damn clue what it’s about. Do you have a damn clue what this song is about?

Ethan: Well there isn’t a proper season for mackerel fishing, so we could start there I suppose. Does it all feel like nonsense to you? It’s a song about taking the bull by the horns, even when it’s a little too late in the game. It’s also a love song, so there’s that too . . .

OJM: Both of you look broke. And there’s a lot of desperation in these lyrics - chewing on treif in the pouring rain. The end of the line. - is the message that we can bare to suffer as long as we got a day of fishing circled on the Heeb cal?

Gianni: Kind of. Or that suffering’s not so bad if you can convince yourself you have something to look forward to.

Ethan: I think we look kind of similar, don’t you? And clams casino is a triumphant pie, nothing desperate about it.

OJM: Which one of you wrote the lyrics and who did the music? Who’s John and who’s Paul?

Gianni: Ethan writes the blueprints and the lyrics and we finish the songs together. I noodle on the guitar until I find a line I like and then he tells me to play fewer notes.

OJM: What are you hoping to get out of this? Being musicians. We were always told to never pursue the arts because it’s a dead end and you’ll end up being one of those guys throwing food to the pigeons or shooting rats with a b.b. gun in a parking lot. Most likely you made this record to attract women. Does that sound about right?

Ethan: It certainly feels that way, doesn’t it.

OJM: What movies and record albums do you fellas talk about most often?

Gianni: I think Faulkner was our most important creative bond as high schoolers. When we were 18 we flew down to Mississippi to attend the Faulkner and Yoknapatawpha Conference at Ole Miss but all we ended up doing was spiking our morning sweet teas while all the PHD candidates presented on their dissertations. Frank Ocean karaoke at some dive bar to way too many people and a failed attempt at late night Domino’s.

Ethan: You know what, I kind of think this song is closest thing I could write to a Frank Ocean type song *chuckles*

Gianni: We reference Brewster McCloud by Robert Altman a lot to each other.

Ethan: Shelly and the Astrodome, yes. Movies and records . . . My friend Henry Birdsey, who actually plays pedal steel on the song, makes beautiful music, both as Old Saw and in the duo Tongue Depressor.

Gianni: Vanderpump Rules, David Berman, Bill Orcutt, The Glands.

OJM: What’s the name Clipping Wings mean? And how can I listen to more of your music without paying for it?

Ethan: I liked the disparity between the musicality of the words and its corresponding action. It sounds violent, but it’s not in practice and if performed correctly. They grow back and I think you might be able to draw some parallels there to the characters in the music. Snip, struggle, endure.

Gianni: You can find our first single “Shiva Role Play” online.

To watch Mackerel Season on YouTube click here. To listen to the band on Spotify click here. And if you’re really desperate, follow them on Instagram.

Who’s HAVin the BETTA SUMMA? A tale of TWO Lerners.

Ken’s been everywhere this summer and has never looked betta. He’s been to Europe, the refrigerator, the bathroom, back to the refrigerator, to the pharmacy, and then to Nate N’ Als. Despite eating more food than ever, Ken’s lost a tremendous amount of weight - his ankles have never been thinner!

Meet Ken’s fail son, SAM LERNER. What a piece of work! GET A SHIRT! GET A JOB!

At least he’s got a great lookin torso. But hey, this is what it means to be a real Hollywood Producer. You sit by the pool, fall asleep reading scripts and eat crab cakes.

Did we mention that Sam produced the OJM movie masterpiece, Sauna Dreams? Click here to watch.

LA BAGEL DELIGHT RE OPENS in PARK SLOPE.

they moved from 122 7th Avenue in Park Slope to 106 7th Avenue.

DAVE IS COMING FOR YOU! NO MERCY!!

DAVE’S NO MERCY BAGEL REVIEW WITH ISAAC MIZRAHI!

LETS WRAP IT UP

→ Complaint of the week by our in house complaint queen, Leecy Davis.

I almost got run over this week. Guy made a right hand turn while I had the walk signal. Didn’t even slow down as he was inches from breaking both of my legs. Of course, he yelled at me. Things to note - he had a “No Turn On Red” sign and the light was red… first of all, if you’re illiterate don’t drive. Second, if you are in that big of hurry to get somewhere, leave earlier. It’s that simple. Be better at time management. Get a watch! You don’t want to risk hitting a Jew and having their Jew lawyers Jew your life so bad you’re living in a cardboard box. It’s not very Jew of you.

→ Joke of the Week (Rodney Dangerfield)

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it

→ Wisdom of the Week (Kafka)

I am a cage, in search of a bird.

→ Ask the (Eastern Standard Time) Rabbi

7:54pm: Shabbat begins (i’m not going to shul tn)

July 31st

8:58pm: Shabbat ends (more lemon cake next time)

Sat Aug 1st

Bob’s Smokin Corner

Few Heebs make cigarettes look more appealing than Bob and Serge Gainsbourg. If you don’t smoke, don’t start. But if you DO, well, make sure you look good doing it.

B’H (THANK GOD) THE WEEK IS OVER!

Barney Frank, a left-handed Gay Jew with a big time attitude, gulps his last bite of foie gras at 86

They said he was full of jokes, but not full of horse manure. He spoke well, but not too much. Frank was witty, brainy, wry, and eloquent. He was tough, but also openly gay. “Prejudice is based on ignorance,” Mr. Frank told The Boston Globe in 2011, as he prepared to retire. “And the best way to counterbalance it is with a living example, with reality.” There was only one Barney Frank. And to a few close friends who knew him well, one was more than enough. Read the real NYT obituary here.

Young Eli has his own Show

We always expected that Young Eli would leave the OJM offices in the dust, and we weren't wrong. His new show features the young, thick-haired, square-shouldered intern with a microphone, accosting people with questions and the chance to win money if they miss their train. We’re proud to see that he has taken the OJM ways of harassing pedestrians to the next level. Three cheers for Young Eli.

Watch below.

NO MERCY BAGEL REVIEWS!!!

EPISODE 3 (UP NEXT): MURRAY’S BAGELS

Dave and Isaac Mizrahi break bread - (without mercy)

COMING SOON to an iPHONE near you!

Watch Episode 2 here:

Old Jewish Men in the WILD

RESTOCKED:

LETS WRAP IT UP

→ Joke of the Week (George Burns)

It only takes one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can’t remember if it’s the thirteenth or the fourteenth.

→ Wisdom of the Week (Tom Wolfe)

Everybody is going to be what they are, and whatever they are, there’s not going to be anything to apologize about.

→ Ask the (Eastern Standard Time) Rabbi

8:01pm: Shabbat begins (i’m not going to shul tn)

Sat March 14th

9:06pm: Shabbat ends (more lemon cake next time)

Is that original Apple Stock?? What’s it worth today, Aaron? Hey moneybags, a round of tuna sandwiches on you, howaboutit?

B’H (THANK GOD) THE WEEK IS OVER!

Last week we asked BHIF readers WHO THE HELL this tan bespectacled mensch is (BELOW).

Well, the results are in…and the loyal (lowly) BHIF readership never fails. THEY GOT IT RIGHT on the money.

OJM readers have an eye for faces. And indeed, this illustration is based on Menachem Begin, the underground bomber turned Israeli statesman. Say what you want about Israel or Israeli leaders, but those guy knew how to dress…And if there’s one thing in particular that mid century Zionist leaders knew well, it’s thick glasses frames - many of them multicolored and/or tinted. Between Begin, Gurion and Jabotinsky, it might be the most near-sighted albeit stylish leadership in the history of the world. Except the Nazis, obviously. Say what you want about those guys, but boy did they have good taste.

Begin was a sturdy five foot five, with a fantastic bald head and macho stare. He was rarely pictured in anything but a tidy suit, even if everything else about him was drab. He lived in the same dingy apartment his entire life, even after he became Prime Minister. He always wore a tie, but owned less than twenty. And Begin rarely smiled.

In 2013 a painter named Rita Zimmerman began painting Begin for some reason unknown to BHIF reporters (she couldn’t be reached for comment). But we do know that she painted 22 portraits of the Prime Minister, and showed them at an exhibition in Jerusalem. According to an interview with the painter, every single one of the portraits featured Begin’s signature eyewear. In fact, that seemed to be the focus of the work. His iron stare and firm lips.

According to one biography on the late Prime Minister: Begin was sharper than an eagle’s eye and harder than a coffin nail.

The other sage of Mid east style: Ben Gurion.

According to his enemies: “Trying to negotiate with Gurion was like having a conversation with a parking meter.”

He was squat & stubborn but his hair was ELECTRIC.

David Ben-Gurion was five foot three with wingtips, thick coke bottle glasses, & hair that looked permanently electrocuted. The little man had the confidence of a six foot four Swede who never had to slow dance alone. Trying to reason with him was like squeezing orange juice out of a dumbbell . He always got what he wanted. And if he didn’t, Gurion would go down with the ship rather than giving an inch. He died at 87. Not bad.

Chuck Schumer KNOWS HOW TO CLEAR A ROOM

Chuck Schumer tried to pass legislation and ended up just pushing hot air from his ass. It’s hard to know if Chuck even knows when he’s blowing mud air anymore. You get to a certain age and everything gets easier. Who the hell cares? Let em smell it!

It was the most productive thing to come out of the Senate all year. Head turning. For one brief moment, the Senate Minority Leader actually had the ears, eyes and noses of the entire Congress.

Old Jewish Men in the Wild

OJM FASHION CORNER:

According to Marty , the 83 year old stock boy who works downstairs in the, who hasn’t taken a lunch break since 1983, t most of these items are available for purchase. But don’t be surprised if some of the junk takes a year to arrive.

COMPLAINTS

Complaint of the Week: Our weekly complaint columnist, Leecy Davis (she always has something to bitch about, next week she goes back to her regular diet of 100 words or less)

I don’t want to know my neighbors. Shocking…the southerner doesn’t want to be friendly. The older I get the more annoyed I am by the existence of others. If you’ve ever met people then you understand. Saying all this to say, I’ve never felt the compulsive need some have to introduce themselves to everyone new who moves into their building. I’ve been in my new place for a little over two weeks and my god it’s like an onslaught. Fortunately for me I’m great at ignoring people so I’ve retained nothing from those interactions - Baruch hashem. Since the excitement of fresh meat has been dying down I thought I was safe. But, this week a new horror has graced my door. This is one of those apartments that hosts “events.” The leasing manager cornered me the other day to come to a trivia night to “get to know people.” What happened to just living in a building and that being the end of it. TRIVIA?!!! This is gonna be the longest two years of my life.

→ Joke of the Week (George Carlin)

The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.

→ Wisdom of the Week (Hannah Arendt)

Storytelling reveals meaning without committing the error of defining it.

→ Ask the (Eastern Standard Time) Rabbi

8:07pm: Shabbat begins (i’m not going to shul tn)

Sat March 14th

9:12pm: Shabbat ends (more lemon cake next time)

Shhhhh…Aaron’s secret pill stash!

ABOVE^ readers of this newsletter and The Old Jewish Men’s Guide to Eating, Sleeping and Futzing Around have asked: WHO IS THIS MAN? And how did he achieve such an even tan? Is he is based on someone specific? Well, yes he is. And he was drawn by

But who is he? Carroll’s uncle? Rinsky’s dead relative? A crustier Ben Kingsley? Ben Bernanke?

Perhaps you recently made an oil discovery? Speculated rare earth minerals in Kazakhstan or robbed a jewelry store. Consider supporting the Old Jewish Men “cause.” Remember, we won’t steal your data because we don’t know how.

Subscribe now

Subscribe now

Subscribe now

BHIF readers raised over a thousand dollars last week for a Japanese sento (bathhouse) in Japan. We’re happy to help the OJM’s on the other side of the world: Old Japanese Men (and women)

We’ll be donating a percent of that to them. Remember, zero is a percent!

To learn more read the caption below.

Muscular Gentile Discovers Fountain of Youth

What is the most significant gentile tell?

A tell, in poker, is a change in a player’s behavior or body language that gives away clues about the strength of their hand.

How many Jewish people have you met that are over 6 3’? Perhaps a fair amount. In fact, there’s plenty of tall Jews out there, and most of them played center at Brandeis. AND there’s plenty of Jews with thick blonde hair. BUT, you don’t see the two together very often. That’s the tell. You don’t see many Yids who look like they moisturize with glacier run off.

Our underpaid team of OJM phrenologists are on the case. Either way, welcome to the club, Erling.

Old Jewish Men in the Wild (swamp ass edition)

Scientists Declare:

BREAKING SCHNOOOOZ! Japanese scientists measured 126 cadaver noses and schmekels and confirmed what every yenta at the bathhouse has been saying since 1962: the beak don't lie. r=0.564, p<0.0001 … numbers so strong even Izzy Borman’s accountant would call it a sure thing.

OJM FASHION CORNER:

OJM solars. Protection, comfort, style.

COMPLAINTS

Complaint of the Week: Our weekly complaint columnist, Leecy Davis (she always has something to bitch about, next week she goes back to her regular diet of 100 words or less)

I’ve done the ultimate any Jewish kid can do — I’ve managed to get my mother to live in another country. We still share a continent but she has a border, she must cross, if she wants to see me. I thought that would be enough, that I’d be free of her, but she’s here constantly. I got rid of her, just to not be able to get rid of her, because eight hours apart is a horror and now she has to be here physically as much as possible so she doesn’t “die of loneliness”. Or whatever guilt trip she cooks up when cornered. I'm annoyed.

→ Joke of the Week (Larry David)

My defensiveness in life really helps me as a driver.

→ Wisdom of the Week (George Carlin)

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.

→ Ask the (Eastern Standard Time) Rabbi

8:07pm: Shabbat begins (i’m not going to shul tn)

Sat March 14th

9:12pm: Shabbat ends (more lemon cake next time)

Dave’s Yiddish Learning Corner!

Dislike what you’re readin but continue to SPITE those other snooty magazines who won’t respond to your letters to the editor?

Got your grubby hands on some extra cash after cleaning out your dead uncle’s closet? Or maybe you just sold a ton of blood? Consider supporting the Old Jewish Men “cause.” Remember, we won’t steal your data because we don’t know how.

Subscribe now

Lets try this again

Subscribe now

3rd times the charm

Subscribe now

A Japanese bathhouse needs our help!

BHIF readers, listen up. Or at least comb out the ear hair. Halfway across the world in Nagano, Japan, there’s a shvitz that needs our help. In Japan the shvitz is called a SENTO, which sounds more like a box with rice and tuna fish than a place you wanna relax… but anyways, Yoshiko Kodamo’s sento, which has been open 138 years, is about to close.

Yoshiko’s family has kept the boilers running hot for five different Japanese emperors, but it looks like they won’t see a sixth. Heating a sento takes serious oil, up to 2,000 liters a month, and with fuel prices spiking, costs are up 50%. To make it worse, the Japanese government caps what bathhouses can charge at around 500 yen (about $3), because sento’s are classified as public welfare.

So we’re raising money to help keep the bathhouses open. Why? Sometimes you just get the feeling like someone needs your help. And Old Japanese Men are the other OJM.

Click here to donate. Every yen helps keep the water hot for someone’s zayde on the other side of the world

The Ottenberg Boyz

OJM Industries re-created Ottenberg's Bakery merchandise for Mel Ottenberg's father's 80th birthday bash. Looks like it was a hell of a celebration, fellas. All that was missing was a bottle of Stoli and a case of black and whites.

THE GLOW UP OF THE SUMMA

Bob, Dave, & Aaron decided it was time to get trimmed up for the summer. Well, truth to be told, none of them decided , a barber named Justin offered his services at a discount. And who doesn’t like a deal?

Good luck, Justin.

BOB BEFORE THE CUT:

HE NEEDED A HAIRCUT, BAD!!

BOB MID CUT:

BOB AFTER:

DAVE BEFORE:

As you can see. Dave had a lot of hair. He wasn’t exactly KEMPT.

Dave in the middle:

Dave after:

Aaron before:

Say what you want about Aaron, but he has pretty nice hair. Also, the man owns more shades of Khaki than we knew existed.

Aaron - no glasses- mid cut

Aaron’s final form:

→ Complaint of the Week: Our weekly complaint columnist, Leecy Davis is OUTTA COMMISH THIS WEEK (who cares), so the OJM editorial board is tasked with sourcing our own complaint.

People won’t take your shit like they used to. I have some furniture I’m getting rid of. Can’t haul it off to a donation place because - well, many reasons. Anyways, I left it on the corner of my street with a sign “Please Take if you Want it". In the south, it would’ve been gone within an hour… here… it’s been over twenty four hours and no one has touched it. You imbeciles - if you see free shit - you take the free shit. What is wrong with people!

→ Joke of the Week (George burns)

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.

→ Wisdom of the Week (Einstein)

Any fool can know. The point is to understand.

→ Ask the (Eastern Standard Time) Rabbi

Friday July 3rd

8:12pm: Shabbat begins (conking out)

Sat July 4th

9:20 pm: Shabbat ends (more brisket next time)

Bob’s Midtown Smoke Adventure:

The great inflater, Alan Greenspan, Fed Chairman Through Good times and pretty, pretty bad ones, deflates at 100.

The Fed Chairman through four US presidents, Greenspan played mind games with politicians, journalists and traders. He played the saxophone, “teased lawmakers” and “did most of his best thinking in the bathtub.” Greenspan will be remembered most for printing currency until the country ran out of ink. He loved data, but he also loved the Simpsons, and will be remembered as the first celebrity Fed Chairman.

To read the real obituary click here.

DOUBLE OBIT SPECIAL:

Clive “The Glide” Davis, smoother than a silk screen, Hitmaking Operator of the once buoyant Music Industry, spins his last record at 94

He rose like a bagel in the oven from a low level job at Columbia Records to become “one of music’s most powerful executives.” If there’s one thing Clive cared about it, it’s revenue; he could find America’s next superstar at a bar mitzvah. He wore talent on his sleeve, and we’re not talking about a polyester blend. All the success, the discoveries - Whitney Houston, Barry Manilow, Bruce Springsteen, Santana, Alicia Keys, and yada yada yada. He was a king maker and dressed the part. He loved many women, quite a few men and a lifetime of music. And most importantly, Davis did in stylish loafers.

The Cock King of Park Slope

For those who were there: the weather was hot, the chickens were warm, and the crowd was on the hinds of their legs for hours in hopes of getting a clear view at the competition. And a battle it was! 40 eaters lined up for war to clean bone, all of them licking their lips for a chance at glory, and more importantly: 500 bucks.

The Winner: Robert McGee repeated as second time champion. McGee, who took home the brass last year, finished at the exact same time as Daniel Moriarty, who won two years ago. However, Moriarty had more chicken left on his plate while Mcgee had nothing but bone and cartilage.

Both competitors set records for the event; sucking bone dry in 5 minutes and 40 seconds flat. Last year McGee won it in 6 minutes and 44 seconds.

Below is the video recap and below-the-below a collection of masterful photos taken from the Earth shattering event.

And below the below the below is something else entirely

Old Jewish Men in the Wild

OLD JEWISH MEN FASHION CORNER

→ Complaint of the Week: Our weekly complaint columnist, Leecy Davis is OUTTA COMMISH THIS WEEK (who cares), so the OJM editorial board is tasked with sourcing our own complaint.

Every shirt should have a breast pocket. There’s NO reason to make shirts without a breast pocket. It is so much extra material? Is it a difficult design? The breast pocket has never been more important than it is now that we have telephones with headphones that can’t reach our ears from the pants pocket without pulling. With a breast pocket there’s no stretch.

→ Joke of the Week (George Burns)

Don’t stay in bed. Unless you can make money in bed.

→ Wisdom of the Week (George Burns)

First you gorget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

→ Ask the (Eastern Standard Time) Rabbi

Friday June 19th

8:13pm: Shabbat begins (conking out)

Sat June 20th

9:13 pm: Shabbat ends (more brisket next time)

Nobody Likes a Winner

The cheating New England Patriots between 2001–2019. The Jordan-led Chicago Bulls of 1991–1998. The juiced-up New York Yankees between 1996–2000. The Splash Brothers from the Golden State Warriors between 2015–2022. The boring but efficient San Antonio Spurs between 1999–2014. The feuding Los Angeles Lakers between 2000–2010. Brady, Kobe, Curry, Jordan, Pippen, Duncan, and all the rest of the players that heaped glory onto their cities.

They were liked in the beginning by the broader public, their charming little origin stories…the humble beginnings, the chronicles of late draft picks of undersized guards like Curry, who came from a small school and became unlikely superstars. The Tom Bradys who were overlooked in the draft. When they won, they were unlikely winners who would likely never win again. They were underdogs.

That’s the secret to success with the public. Lose too much and you’ll be mocked, but win too much and be maligned. Winners are accused of cheating, of rigging, of pushing their own mothers into traffic to stay on top.

Above is Jalen Brunson’s upper, hairy arm. For all you midwestern readers out there, Brunson (more like RUNT-SON) is the star player on the NBA Championship New York Knicks. He is 6 feet tall, short-armed, barrel-chested, and shoulder-haired. He is a biological underdog. The David to the 7-foot-5 French Goliath, Wemby, his recent Finals opponent.

There is no reason why Brunson is an NBA Champion other than hard work and determination. He is not physically gifted. He is the OJM of NBA stars. A stumpy-legged, quick-footed, but not very athletic guard with a tiny wingspan. Like Brady and Curry, Brunson’s gift is his intellect, his work ethic, and his determination. And his downfall will be winning too much.

We hope that the Knicks go back to what they were before this confounding victory. It’s strange to think of the Bockers as winners. Maybe this year they were. But never again. Well, let’s at least wait another 53 years.

At the end of the day, no one likes a winner.

The Last Days of Cozy Soup (and Burger)

Aaron, Bob and Dave sort of enjoyed their last cup of split pea soup at Cozy Soup-n Burger. Well, the ice was too cold and the service was bad and it was overpriced but whatever, it’s a Manhattan mainstay, or was. Cozy Soup-n Burger opened in 1972 and was made famous by Rob Schneiders character in Big Daddy. It’s Greek owned (big surprise) and will probably be a vape store or T-mobile outlet by this time next week. It’s sad the way it goes in New York - rent go up, food prices go up, people stop going, and then these places close. Eventually it’ll just be salad chains and Chinese coffee shops that don’t take cash. But at least we’ll be skinny.

Old Jewish Men in the Wild

EVENTS

Old Jewish Men’s 3rd Annual Rotisserie Chicken Competition is finally HERE.

Registration is CLOSED - but, we will be opening 5 spots for in person contestants on the day of if they bring HARD $$$ CASH.

SEE YOU THERE.

AARON DAVE AND BOB will be judging along with newcomer, JOHNNY NOVO

COMPLAINTS

→ Complaint of the Week: Our weekly complaint columnist, Leecy Davis (she always has something to bitch about)

My mayor Muslim, my bagels Jewish, my Christian Dior, Knicks in five…” Wow, National Champions! And all I can think about is how this newsletter and all old Jewish men — lets be honest, Jews in general — are going to find a new way to bitch about the Knicks. What will they do next that is unsightly, unseemly and downright heartburn inducing? Will them winning be enough of a complaint - I mean it’s June in NYC with Pride, the Puerto Rican festival, and the Knicks winning… I’m sure there’s some weariness for the noise and general happiness the population is feeling, god forbid we aren’t all suffering! One good thing happens for Jews and the next second we’re already annoyed by it… all those kippah wearing kids dancing in the streets for good ole Jalen Brunson, I promise you were smoking a lucy and bitching about the crowds as soon as the camera turned. I mean who cares about them winning this year, lets be realistic, they have to do it again next year and no one has answered the question of "if they can". I’m already over it now.

→ Joke of the Week (Archie Bunker)

All kids are trouble, Edith. And I don't wanna spend my reclining years trying to raise another one.

→ Wisdom of the Week (Phil Jackson)

In the beginner’s mind there are many possibilities; in the expert’s mind there are few.

→ Ask the (Eastern Standard Time) Rabbi

Friday June 19th

8:15pm: Shabbat begins (conking out)

Sat June 20th

9:21 pm: Shabbat ends (more brisket next time)

More from the Knicks championship parade:

Aaron, Bob and Dave make their B&H Dairy Broadway Musical Debut

It was a hell of a game…

For Knicks fans, this was the crowning moment of their lives. Better than weddings, bar mitzvahs, and the births of their various spawn. It was like hitting a 100-1 shot at the track. The Knicks were .2% to win with nine minutes left. No one blows a 29-point lead in the NBA Finals. People love calling things historic, but Wednesday night on West 34th Street was the real thing a once in a lifetime spectacle.

At no point during the game did the Knicks look dominant. They chipped away, slowly picking at the lead, the rapacious team that they are. Pecking at the scraps of a young talented opponent who showed their age. There were no huge runs that convinced fans the momentum had truly swung to their side. Even in their greatest moments, the Bockers didn't play particularly well. This wasn't the 27-point comeback in Game 1 against the Cavs, when the Knicks buried three after three, which makes the story of Wednesday’s triumph all the more magical and confounding. It's a different kind of heroism—rocky and imperfect, but ultimately enough.

Welcome to the club…WALT

Old Jewish Men In the Wild

COMPLAINTS

→ Complaint of the Week: Our weekly complaint columnist, Leecy Davis (she always has something to bitch about)

The “are you still watching” notification may be the most inconvenient invention of this century. I’m not the first nor will I be the last to bitch about this… but, if I’m letting a show run, it’s happening for a reason. Maybe I’m watching it and I’m too lazy to use the remote, maybe it’s background noise, or sometimes I’ve fallen asleep but I don’t need the freaking tv checking in to see if I’m paying attention… it’s none of it's business! With the chorus of voices complaining about this for years now, you’d think it’d be done away with. But we’re all at the mercy of “big streaming” so I guess I’ll have to bitch about this until I die.

→ Joke of the Week (Jerry Seinfeld)

Marriage like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.

→ Wisdom of the Week (Wittgenstein)

The human body is the best picture of the human soul.

→ Ask the (Eastern Standard Time) Rabbi

Friday June 12th

8:10pm: Shabbat begins (conking out)

Sat June 13th

9:19 pm: Shabbat ends (more brisket next time)

Bob’s Corner

This week at “Coffee with Bob”, Bob remembers the old days growing up in New York. There was a run in with Bill Bradley, nights with Norman Mailer and Jimmy Breslin at Elaine Kaufman’s uptown joint. Bob also has stories about Joe DiMaggio, who didn’t like to pick up the check.

Hear all about it on Bob’s new channel:

https://www.instagram.com/smokewithbob/

Like what you’re skimming? Flush with cash from the ‘Bockers?

Got enough mustard for that knish?

Do you even live in New York? If not, you must really love reading about New York sports teams and delis every week. Or hate yourself. Hard to say.

Yikes, the Mets.

Whatever. Nobody put a gun to your head to read this weekly pile of “news.”

Either way, consider supporting the Old Jewish Men “cause.”

Remember: we won’t steal your data. Or your wife. Mostly because we don’t have a prostate anymore.

Subscribe now

Subscribe now

one more for the loss

Subscribe now

Edgar Morin, ‘the man with the shimmering dome,’ a French “Intellectual,” and overall “ideas guy,” Dies suddenly at 104

A former member of the French “Resistance” (yeah, that went well…), Morin went on to a career that required a lot of reading, and thinking about complicated stuff that no one on this planet, or in New Jersey understands. He zoned out a lot, staring into space for hours. Where do we come from? he often wondered. Where are we are here? and why can’t diners cook eggs without burning them? His books and pronouncements carried moral authority, and the French seemed to think he was quite something.

To read the extended obituary by Adam Nossiter, click here. Otherwise, just keep reading and don’t forget to buy a Knicks shirt before we pull em off the rack. They’re limited edition, ya know.

Remembering Saul

Today would have been Saul Zabar’s 98th birthday. We remember Saul as the guy who told us to get our camera out of his fucking face, and to stop asking if there’s a toilet. Saul wore sandals and socks and six different shades of khaki and sat at the end of the checkout counter looking at every scanned item to make sure it got into the bag. He had eyes everywhere, and inspected the thickness of the fish every morning.

It’s strange that a man who consumed so many Omega vitamins didn’t make it to 100. If he couldn’t do it, how can we? But then again, after 97 things get a little stale.

The Super Bowl of Sitting Down…BIRDS OF GLORY… a celebration of POULTRY

The Old Jewish Men Rotisserie Chicken eating competition is JUNE 21st at 230PM. 85 7th Avenue in BROOKLYN, NY. 11217

SUIT UP AND SIT DOWN.

Last year was quite the spectacle. This year should be equally confounding. Read all about it here.

Old Jewish Men In the Wild

Old Jewish Men Fashion Corner, Knishes edition

Cancel the Funeral. Schedule the Parade. This might be our year…

COMPLAINTS

→ Complaint of the Week: Our weekly complaint columnist, Leecy Davis (she always has something to bitch about)

My landlady is pissed I’m moving out. I’m quiet, I pay rent on time, I keep my mouth shut about the shitty, lawsuit worthy things she’s done in the year I’ve lived here. What can I say? I’m a quality gal. But, to punish me, she’s decided that this month — the month I am packing up my belongings — to schedule a bunch of renovations in my basement apartment without asking my availability. The kicker being she’s “at work” for the first time in forever, so I have to be here to let the contractors in, and I gotta watch ‘em too. Fun. So, I’ve spent this past week wrangling a bunch of men who speak no english y habla un poco Español… and my attention-seeking dog thinks men are so amazing, meaning they end up staying here longer for her. I hate it. No, I haven’t pitched a fit or gotten a good Jew lawyer, because I want my security deposit back and free of any “I’m mad you’re leaving” deductions.

→ Joke of the Week (Mitch Hedburg)

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something

→ Wisdom of the Week (Miles Davis)

Anybody can play. The note is only 20 percent. The attitude of the motherfucker who plays it is 80 percent.

→ Ask the (Eastern Standard Time) Rabbi

Friday June 4th

8pm: Shabbat begins (conking out)

Sat June 5th

9:02 pm: Shabbat ends (more brisket next time)

Like what you’re consuming? Not as good as that sandwich you had yesterday though, eh? Well, who can compete with salty meat and preservatives. Been to the black jack table lately? Flush with cash? Consider supporting the Old Jewish Men “cause.” Remember, we won’t steal your data because we don’t know how. And we won’t be around forever.

Subscribe now

Subscribe now

Subscribe now

OJM INTERVIEW CORNER pReSeNtS:

Richard Scheinin, the writer of…

JAZZ

The photography of Steve Schapiro.

Foreword by Sonny Rollins.

Aferword by Kurt Elling.

OJM: What’s with Jews and writing about jazz? Is it intellectual? Spiritual? There’s a long list of jazz obsessed Jewish guys on the jazz beat. Leonard Feather, Nat Hentoff, Dan Morgenstern, Ira Gitler, and of course…Rich Scheinin.

Richard Scheinin: Jazz is Black American music and it’s urban music. In the mid-20th century, when those Jewish guys became active as critics, big cities were hothouses for jazz – New York, Philadelphia, Detroit, Chicago. Incredible numbers of great jazz musicians were growing up and performing in those towns. It was exciting. And it was a mainstream music. Blacks and Jews lived and walked the sidewalks shoulder-to-shoulder in those cities, so it’s not so surprising that a lot of Jewish kids with writing talent got into writing about jazz. I’m from the New York area and I always felt that the city was fundamentally shaped by Blacks and Jews.

I was born in Brooklyn and grew up on Long Island in what was then a majority Jewish town, Roslyn, and I can tell you that there were many Jewish kids who were into jazz. There was a lot of jazz on the radio – easily half a dozen jazz stations, and even major FM rock stations would play the latest 20-minute track by Miles Davis, who was into his electric period. I’m talking 1969-70 which is when I got into jazz. It’s powerful music. And to answer your question, its appeal is both intellectual and spiritual. It really hit me hard when I first got into the music. Turning on the radio and hearing John Coltrane or Thelonous Monk or Sonny Rollins – it just affected me in the most profound way. Around thirty years ago, when I was writing for a newspaper in California, I interviewed Mickey Hart of the Grateful Dead who talked about the power of music and how it can “tap you into a reservoir of emotion that you never knew existed.” I was never a Deadhead, but that statement totally applies to how I felt and continue to feel about jazz.

In high school, I even founded a jazz club that met weekly in the bandroom. Not all, but most of the club members were Jewish. We played and discussed our favorite records. We took field trips; one time, the school arranged for a bus to take us to see Charles Mingus and his big band at Philharmonic Hall. The band director had been an arranger for Glenn Miller and he knew lots of jazz musicians who would come and talk to us – I remember trumpeter Dave Burns and saxophonist Billy Mitchell, major players who told us stories about their experiences. Looking back on this, I think it was unusual, but at the time it seemed normal. I’m still friends with some of the members of the club, and they’re still into jazz – they’ve become old Jewish men who are very into jazz.

I should point out that jazz is universally admired. It’s performed all over the world and there are outstanding jazz writers of all races, genders, and ethnicities. Having said that, I have to agree with your point – there are still a lot of Jewish jazz writers. Maybe we just have good taste!

One more thing. I just mentioned saxophonist Sonny Rollins, one of my heroes. He died earlier this week at the age of 95. Aside from being a genius, he was a kind and lovely man. Last fall, he agreed to contribute the Foreword to “Jazz.” I called him and he spoke with such emotion about all his memories of the musicians whose photos are in the book. It was a thrill for me to speak with him. I transcribed his comments and that became the Foreword.

OJM: Schapiro, the photographer of this book, was five foot 3. Richard Avedon was 5 ‘7. That’s pretty low to the ground. What role do you think height plays in photography?

RS: The first interview I did for this book was with Sid Ganis, a Hollywood producer who was one of Steve Schapiro’s closest friends. In a later stage of his career, Schapiro worked as a still photographer on Hollywood sets. Some of the most instantly recognizable images from “The Godfather,” “Midnight Cowboy,” and “Taxi Driver” – photos that were turned into posters in the lobbies of movie theaters – were shot by Schapiro. Anyway, Sid and Steve worked together and Sid recalled the way Steve took advantage of his height, inconspicuously circling his subjects while shooting away. He was down low to the ground, as you say, which helped him to be a fly on the wall. By all accounts, Steve was also a very friendly and talkative guy. He liked people. They felt relaxed around him. There are scores of photos in this book where you can see how relaxed the musicians are feeling. Steve just melted into the flow of what was going on in the recording studio. I found an old interview with him in which he revealed his secret sauce: “Smile a lot and don’t get too caught up with your equipment.”

OJM: Forget jazz, this book could easily be a guide to menswear. What do you think about the evolution of fashion in jazz? Do you like what you see?

RS: I was very struck by the fashion sense of the musicians whose photos are in the book. I’d like to repeat something I wrote in the Introduction: Jazz histories are filled with stories of musicians’ addictions and drinking habits. It gets old. I love the fact that these photos show how these musicians carried themselves with dignity and professionalism. They look great. Their button-down shirts are perfectly pressed, and their cuffs are rolled up just so. They wear beautiful suits and coats and cool hats. They arrived in the recording studio looking good – they brought dignity and beauty to the act of making dignified and beautiful music.

I’m not a fashion person and can’t tell you a lot about jazz fashion in the 21st century. Some musicians still look sharp in an old-school way; Wynton Marsalis is an example. Others wear T-shirts on the bandstand. Roy Hargrove, the late trumpeter, was fashion-conscious. I think he was influenced by hip-hop fashion. At the same time, he looked like a be-bopper from the ‘40s. I’ve read that you can draw a direct line from zoot suits to hip-hop fashion. Full circle.

OJM: Forget fashion and jazz, this book could ALSO be an ad for cigarette smoking. Bob would love these photos. But what’s more harmful for the youth: cigs or screens? Do you smoke? And if not, it’s never too late to start.

RS: There’s a lot of smoking going on in these photos. This was the era of “Mad Men” and pretty much everybody smoked. So I’m not surprised.

No, I don’t smoke. I do spend too much time on screens. Increasingly. I’ve got to stop.

OJM: The one thing you don’t find in this book are jazz men (and women—yes, there are a few women in this book - who knew that one of Louis Armstrong’s wives was such a terrific pianist!?) eating backstage. They’re working out, playing chess, laughing, smoking, but not eating. What’s that about? And do you know anything about Miles Davis’s eating habits? What about Sonny Rollins? The famous fried chicken scene in his autobiography with Charlie Parker comes to mind…

RS: If we get to publish a Volume 2 of “Jazz,” you will see photos of musicians eating. For instance, we’ve got photos tucked away of Miles Davis and Cannonball Adderley eating chips and dip at parties and business gatherings. So…. this is something for you to look forward to!

OJM: Of all the musicians in this book, who do you think you would have gotten along with the best? And of these subjects, who seems the most impenetrable and mysterious that you’d like to crack?

I’m something of an introvert. I’ve been writing about jazz on and off since the early ‘70s. I’ve interviewed hundreds of musicians, but there are only one or two with whom I’ve become friends. So I don’t quite know how to answer your question. I would say that Sonny Rollins was both an internal and external person – easy to talk to, but you sensed that there was a lot of peaceful mystery about him. I could imagine sitting in a room with him and feeling comfortable with both the silence and the good conversation – hearing all the stories about his remarkable life. But then he’d stop talking and that would be fine with me.

to shell out for the book click here.

PLEASE WIN BEFORE I DIE

THIS MIGHT ACTUALLY BE OUR YEAR (MAYBE)

The Knishes haven’t been here since 1999.

^Above, a master stroke of Knicks merchandizing by OJM house cartoonist, .

And for the price? It’s like buying a Rembrandt while he’s in art school.

Happy Birthday Ken! (We love you)

Aaron makes his Talk Show Debut

COMPLAINTS

→ Complaint of the Week: Our weekly complaint columnist, Leecy Davis (she always has something to bitch about)

Why do old women stare me down in laundromats? It’s enough that I’m having to fold my underwear in public but watching me do it…I get enough judgement at home I don’t need more in a space where I’m already ashamed to be. I can’t keep wearing swimsuits for underwear, so please keep your eyes to yourself.

→ Joke of the Week (Chris Rock)

I’m from a neighborhood that’s so bad you can get shot while getting shot.

→ Wisdom of the Week (Sonny Rollins)

But if I didn’t have to make money, I would still play my horn.

→ Ask the (Eastern Standard Time) Rabbi

Friday May 29th

8pm: Shabbat begins (conking out)

Sat May 30th

9:02 pm: Shabbat ends (more brisket next time)

Dave goes SHOPPING

Like what you’re skimming? Have some extra cash after that big Knicks win last night? Consider supporting the Old Jewish Men “cause.” Remember, we won’t steal your data because we don’t know how.

Subscribe now

oh whoops that one didn’t work

Subscribe now

Oy try this one

Subscribe now

(THIS IS NOT AN OJM EVENT, BUT WE SUPPORT IT!) #ad

For nearly 25 years, the festival has celebrated the diverse traditions that give the Lower East Side and Chinatown its identity. Set against the backdrop of our Museum’s home, the landmark 1887 Eldridge Street Synagogue, the festival will take over Eldridge Street for a one-of-a-kind block party with Jewish, Chinese, and Puerto Rican tastes, sights, sounds, and crafts for folks of all ages to enjoy.

Haven’t We Suffered Enough??

Welcome to the The Knishes Beat…

Before Game 1 the geniuses at the Post said the Knicks would come out dragging their feet, high and champagne drunk from their monster sweep of the Sixers, and boy were they right.

Here’s what they said before the whistle.

“I could see the Knicks needing a half to get back into the rhythm they showed during their win streak, but I think the Cavaliers’ tired legs will catch up to them as the game wears on and cause those jumpers to come up short.”

Screw those fancy know it all midtown rag pushers.

The Knicks are such losers they don’t even know how to be big and mighty. They don’t even know how to win back to back series without slipping on a banana. But we won anyway. However, the Knicks psychology is ruined. We need therapy to learn how to be good. It’s horrifying, but that’s what 50 years of suffering can do to a club.

NOTE. (this was written before last nights victory)

We’re so used to humiliation that the moment something good happens we gotta burn down our own shit house. But hey, that’s makes the playoffs so exciting. We’re rooting for a head case, and that’s fun. The Knicks were getting murdered, MURDERED - outscored 33-22 in the 2nd quarter and then 35-23 in the 3rd quarter. Jalen Brunson looked lost out there, like he was shooting with wet hands. But he pulled it out late, and came roaring back from 22 points down and WON. We’re still buzzing over here at the OJM offices and it’s not just the decaf coffee.

And last night we were DOMINANT. THIS COULD, MAYBE, POSSIBLY (WHO KNOWS) FINALLY BE OUR YEAR.

Bob meets the Cast from The Last Days of Downtown

This week Bob went shopping and smoking with the hip young cast from the The Last Days of Downtown, a play about uh…downtown Manhattan? Who knows, we haven’t seen it yet. But the odds are it’s not about downtown Mississippi. Bob had a hell of a time, even if he didn’t know a damn thing about the play or who most of the fun young people were who wanted to light one up with him. But what a hoot. One of the gals, Colette, brought 8 packs of cigarettes from Asia for a taste test.

Bob’s conclusion? Stick to Marlboro Reds.

THE LAST DAYS OF DOWNTOWN:

Twenty-seven actors. Eight scenes. One apartment. One week. The Last Days of Downtown is an overlapping, funny, at-times knowingly cringe depiction of the death of the downtown scene. Everyone’s an artist. Everyone has a dream. And everyone’s doing lines as their lines are overlapping while their dreams crash around them. Click here to buy a ticket.

Old Jewish Men in the Wild

COMPLAINTS

→ Complaint of the Week: Our weekly complaint columnist, Leecy Davis (she always has something to bitch about)

This week I sat down to think of my complaint and I have nothing to complain about it. And that is my complaint! Why can’t you morons go out into the world and be more annoying — I need something to be miserable about it. This is on you (not me)…I demand you to be at your worst from now until next Friday so I can do my job and tell you what I think about it.

→ Joke of the Week (Shane Gillis)

I don’t respect women enough to not snore in front of them.

→ Wisdom of the Week (Duke Ellington)

There are two kinds of worries - those you can do something about and those you can’t. Don’t spend ay time on the latter.

→ Ask the (Eastern Standard Time) Rabbi

Friday May 22nd

7:54pm: Shabbat begins (conking out)

Sat May 23rd

9:02pm: Shabbat ends (more brisket next time)

More Yiddish Lessons!

Like what you’re readin? Have some extra depreciating cash after cleaning up on the Silver and Gold metals-run up? Consider supporting the Old Jewish Men “cause.” Remember, we won’t steal your data because we don’t know how.

Subscribe now

subscribe already!

Share OLD JEWISH MEN

We’re Looking at you, Saul!

Subscribe now

Will Jews Ever be Interesting Again?

(And if so, when?)

a guest Op Ed by Maurice Baum, 79, Upper West Side

Cast your mind back to the 1990s. Most of you were probably a lot younger than I was in 1991… The 90s were a time when people watched shows like Seinfeld and The Nanny. Sitcoms like Seinfeld were about the lives New Yorkers and were subliminally Jewish. No one kept kosher. Everyone ate pork and slept around. No one went to shul. But Seinfeld couldn’t have been more Jewish. Every week a thirty minute network slot about Jews written and produced and often directed by Jews, and set in Manhattan…

The creators captured the Jewish mind, whatever that means, right? It’s brilliant because they didn’t need to hit us over the head with it. There were little blips of cultural magic sprinkled in like chili pepper flakes and we’d go WHOA! Did you hear that? That was Yiddish!

Every confirmation of sitcom Judaism was a treat for us. Like we were sharing ourselves with the world. And it felt good. We would sit as a family and laugh our tuchus off watching Jerry and Elaine and George and Kramer acting out the neurotic minds of four East Coasters.

When the show was renewed season after season, I remember thinking: thank God! Thank God there’s something out there for Americans that is so purely Yiddishkeit. Something that will make people interested in us for the right reasons. It was light, it was fun, and it was full of little rich (albeit deep) observations. The success of the show meant Jerry and Larry could stop fighting over who has to pay for blintzes at Barney Greengrass (Barney GreenGAS if you order wrong). And you know what? When people make things that are very, very good, they DESERVE to be rich. I couldn’t be happier for those guys.

The interest in Jews in the 90s was much different than it is now. It was lox-and-bagels Judaism that didn’t make you think about who we are and what we stand for. I didn’t have an existential thought for twenty-five years. It was terrific! It was simple. It was fresh and American. It was fun, and the stakes were low: tuna fish or sable? You want the black or the white half of the cookie, or are you watching your sugars? Characters like Estelle and Frank were interesting AND lovable. And when I say the characters were “interesting,” I mean that non-Jews were fascinated by the idea that people like the Constanza family can actually exist!

Where the hell do people like that come from?!

They only gave me 1,000 words, so I gotta be quick here. Obviously Seinfeld wasn’t the only show about Jews in the 90s. There was Mad About You, Northern Exposure, and a few others that I’m surely forgetting. So be it!

The point is… they were interested in us. In our culture. In the way we speak, in the way we act, and the way we look at the world. It made people want to be Jewish: to tell jokes like us, to write FUNNY, and eat kidney-destroying processed meats. We were interesting, and we were beloved. These days, I feel like the Jews have never had a more captive audience. There are ten times as many shows about Jews and Israelis on television in 2026, and the number-one trending news search on Google is: Israel Hamas War.

The world wants to know everything about Jews, and MOST of it is not fun or good or…interesting.

Ironically, while Jews have never been more interesting to the modern world, I have never found us so uninteresting. Every day I open up the newspaper and just want to throw it in the trash. There are bright spots, of course. I enjoyed Alex Edelman’s HBO special. A very talented young comedian with a bright future. There are things I see that make me forget the times we’re in. But I sense that the era of Jewish American comedy is ending. That the curtain is closing on America’s tolerance for the same type of mind that created Seinfeld. And that Jewish comedians today are at a disadvantage: they will inevitably have to become darker in order to be seen. They have no choice but to pull from the moonless, gruesome depths of what has become the interest economy.

What engages audiences now is not what I consider feel-good Jewish cultural comedy. Most of what I see is cynical and hopeless. I find myself watching reruns and reading biographies. I hardly want to know what’s out there anymore because it won’t bring me much joy. Sure, there is a new Larry David show coming out soon, but will he too have to explain himself? He has the impossible task of either repeating himself or ignoring the realities of today. A lose-lose.

In the 90s, Jews were interesting because we were funny. Because we argued over soup and wore white sneakers to nice restaurants and complained about the thermostat at funerals. We were interesting in the way Italians were interesting or Irish people were interesting. To middle America, we were human beings with wild gesticulations and bad manners and mustard stains on our shirts.

Now every conversation is existential. Every article is life or death. Every Jew on television has to represent the entire history of the Middle East before ordering a tuna melt. It’s exhausting, and I can only wonder where we are in the cycle.

I don’t know if we’ll ever get back there.

But God willing, one day the most controversial thing about Jews again will be charging $19 for smoked fish. I would rather Jews be beloved by half of America than infamous to the entire world.

To submit an op ed to BHIF please email info@oldjewishmen.net

COMPLAINTS

→ Complaint of the Week: Our weekly complaint columnist, Leecy Davis (she always has something to bitch about)

Group chats, email chains… any form of communication where too many people are involved is my living nightmare. I don’t want to be in the “know,” I don’t want to be included, especially if the conversation has nothing to do with me. Usually it’s easy to ignore once the conversation balloons out of control, but lately the incessant notifications have been making me want to bash my brains in. Even if I mute it, the notification number rising on my screen makes my eye twitch. Can the tech nerds come up with a way where you can remove yourself and re-enter conversations as needed?

→ Joke of the Week (Rodney Dangerfield)

Marriage...it's not a word, it's a sentence

→ Wisdom of the Week (Louis Brandeis)

The most important political office is that of the private citizen

→ Ask the (Eastern Standard Time) Rabbi

Friday May 15th

7:48pm: Shabbat begins (zzzzzzz)

Sat May 16th

8:54pm: Shabbat ends (is there anymore of that fancy schmancy lemon curd stuff you made?)

Subscribe now

Like what you’re readin? Have some extra cash after cleaning up on the metals-run up? Consider supporting the Old Jewish Men “cause.” Remember, we won’t steal your data because we don’t know how.

Subscribe now

Subscribe now

“Panicky Seymour” Bernstein, a keyboard wizard wracked with frayed nerves, pounds the ivory one last time at 99, a few months short of triple digits

According to reliable OJM sources, Bernstein claimed he couldn’t handle the stage fright, and used it as an excuse to retire early. As the New York Times writes, “Although Seymour managed to perform well despite his stage fright, Mr. Bernstein eventually decided to quit. He gave his final public concert in 1977, at the age of 50.”

According to Izzy Harmon, who was in attendance the night of Bernstein’s last public performance, “It was pretty solid”. Bernstein’s friend, Michael Bamwitz said Bernstein was too lazy to continue his career, and wanted to spend the last decades of his life “yelling at less talented students.”

“He loved yelling at people,” Bamwitz tells an OJM reporter. “Especially if they had no talent to speak of.”

Regardless of how long Bernstein’s public career lasted, his last performance was marked by “liquid phrasing” and “extraordinary control of the quietest dynamic levels.” To read more about Seymour Bernstein click here.

THE YIDDISH YOU NEED TO KNOW:

Who knew that Dave speaks fluent Yiddish. And such a patient teacher too!

In Dave’s Yiddish lessons series he’s covered a lot of the big ones: MACHER, SCHMUCK, BISSEL, GONIFF , BUPKIS, CHUTZPAH, TUCHUS, SCHLUB,

What Yiddish words should Dave teach us next?

Yenta? Nudnik? Nebbish? Chazer? TELL US IN THE COMMENTS (if you feel like it)

Old Jewish Men FASHION CORNER!

DEMS HATE CHICKEN

Let’s get this thing straight. Congress is 384 people, Republicans, Democrats, morons from every state who can’t get this country running in the direction can all agree on one thing: let poor people buy hot chicken. But not unlimited bird: ONE hot chicken. The $4.99 Costco chicken! You know what that chicken is? That’s a big chemical shabbos chicken.

But then Hakeem Jeffries a top Democrat votes NO. Why? Because it’s not ENOUGH chicken. He wants ALL the hot food or nothing. Hakeem wants brisket and salami AND chicken.

384 people said yes to the chicken. 35 said no. And somehow the 35 are the principled ones?

Who the hell knows anymore. We also only read half the article.

THIS COULD MAYBE POSSIBLY SOMEHOW BE OUR YEAR!

Marty Feldstein -MSG Beat reporter, Forty-Three Years or so if you don’t count last year after the coronary

Tonight. Shabbos. Friday, May 8th, 2026. Game 3. Philly. Look, I’ve been covering this team since before half of you were born. I watched Reed limp out in ‘70. I was THERE (a little drunk, but still there) in ‘73 when they won it all. That was the last time, by the way, that this franchise has done anything worth calling your mother about. Forget 1999, that was more heartbreak. Screw the Spurs, by the way. But if you count it, that’s 53 years of heartbreak, bad trades, and Isiah Thomas. Don’t get me started on Isiah Thomas.

But tonight? Tonight they’ll lose, but they’ll win the series. I like their chances to win the East. Not win it all. But the East, ok. Yes. THat’s reasonable.

Philly gets the home crowd tonight. The odds say 52-48 in their favor. You know what I say to odds? I say my doctor gave me six months in 1987 and I’m still filing copy.

Take the Knicks for the series. Grudgingly. With antacids. Philly gets one tonight.

But if they blow a 2-0 lead I’m retiring. Again.” — Marty

COMPLAINTS

→ Complaint of the Week: Our weekly complaint columnist, Leecy Davis (she always has something to bitch about)

Restaurants whose only seating options are shared tables disgust me. I don’t go out to eat to make friends. I don’t want some stranger’s elbow kneading my gut while I try to put lettuce in my mouth. More than that, I really, REALLY dislike the things people think are interesting to talk about. Club-hopping in Greece because the flights were cheap isn’t interesting. Your pending hysterectomy and the emotional turmoil you’re experiencing because of it should be discussed with people you actually know. I could care less your second grader got a participation trophy for reading, also, should you be outing your own child as an idiot to strangers? And for the people who take advantage of these restaurants’ typical BYOB policies, a yeti cooler filled to the brim with natty light and box wine that you precede to drink the entirety of, ruins everyone else’s night. You can’t handle your alcohol and me picking up my fork to eat is not a “party foul.”

→ Joke of the Week (Seinfeld)

The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun.

→ Wisdom of the Week (Einstein)

Imagination is more important than knowledge.

→ Ask the (Eastern Standard Time) Rabbi

Friday May 8th

7:41pm: Shabbat begins (conking out)

Sat May 9th

8:46pm: Shabbat ends (more brisket next time)

If you DO decide to spend your bar mitzvah money to support this fakakta newsletter DONT WORRY, we won’t sell (or harvest) your data, because we don’t know how to.

Subscribe now

Tough Dayzzz in Queens

There’s always a silver lining when the hometown team shits the bed. These days going to Citi Field to see the Meats is affordable for the entire family. In fact, it costs less than a short stack at Denny’s. Spend six bucks, sneak in a few packets of warm ROLOs, crack the seltzer you stuffed in your pants and see the opposing team smoke the Meats. See all the great players of our time for dirt cheap. It’s like being a Denver Nuggets fan in 1991 and getting to see Michael Jordan for 19 bucks. And if you don’t wanna sit on the 7 train to Queens, consider going to a CYCLONES GAME…

Don’t forget to go to JEWISH HERITAGE NIGHT this Sunday at 2PM! Dave is throwing out the first pitch.

The World’s Baldest Country award goes to…

Trouble fitting in? Don’t know where to spend your dying days? It’s time to fire up the Zillow machine and get a house in SPAIN because it’s the baldest country on Earth. 44.5% of the fellas in Spain are not baldING…they’re BALD! Hairless on top. Not losing it a little bit, but bare on the dome. Talk about a perfect society. How does this happen? How do so many men become the masculine ideal? Tapas? Good genes? The bottom line is that: real men lose their hair. It’s a sign of a life well lived, of good breeding. It means you’ve suffered for your place in this little tar pit we called society. The next time you notice more hair in the drain than usual, don’t worry, there’s a place for you. It’s called MADRID.

DAVE, AARON, and BOB PERFORM

Aaron, Bob and Dave were asked to “perform” at the Brooklyn Music Academy for their 100th anniversary. The problem? Well, no one specified what an OJM performance entails. There was no script, no outline, no nothin. The fellas went on stage to enormous applause and then just kind of stood there. Bob made a few jokes. Aaron had a couple one liners. Dave insulted a couple audience members, and that was it. And you know what? It was exactly what they wanted. Well done, fellas. Three stars (at least!)

Lena Dunham’s Phillip Roth Revival Tour

This week Lena Dunham returned from wherever the hell she’s been to revive the image of her favorite literary womanizer, Phil Roth. It’s unclear exactly what Dunham, the creator of the HBO hit, GIRLS, gets out of it, but she’s gone out of her way; talk shows, podcasts, newspaper articles, to remind the world of Phillip Roth’s his tremendous literary importance. And the most important part? She’s doing it all in an OJM shirt.

MARKETING 101!

Bob gets some shekels! Now he can afford a fresh carton.

SuPPoRT BOB’S AdDICTIOn:

COMPLAINTS

→ Complaint of the Week: Our weekly complaint columnist, Leecy Davis (she always has something to bitch about)

When you say you’re going to do something, do it.

Maybe I’m an old school hag, but if you tell me to expect something from you “the beginning of next week”…I don’t want to be sitting at my window Wednesday morning wondering what went wrong. I don’t like it. I’d rather you tell me it’s going to take two weeks and be surprised when I receive it in two days. Under promise, Over deliver! Now, I’m just going to be crochety regardless of the outcome.

→ Joke of the Week (George Carlin)

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.

→ Wisdom of the Week (George Carlin)

Not only do I not know what’s going on, I wouldn’t know what to do about it if I did.

→ Ask the (Eastern Standard Time) Rabbi

Friday May 1st

7:34pm: Shabbat begins (i’m not going to shul tn)

Sat May 2nd

8:38pm: Shabbat ends (more lemon cake next time)

Share OLD JEWISH MEN

Subscribe now

Share

Share OLD JEWISH MEN

Subscribe now

ATTN Meats fans:

Welcome to the Tribe, JD

Dave and Bob help Gwnythe (or however you spell it….who knows) Paltrow make her New York Goop Debut

We are told by our new unpaid intern, Max that artificial intelligence overviews cant be wrong. This new thing called the internet (pronounced INN-TUR-NET), never makes mistakes, and everything that’s posted on the “internet” is run through a very strict truth detection system that makes sure everything is 100% on the mark factual. Therefore, it’s completely true that Bob and Dave did in fact star in Gwynth Paltrow’s latest campaign for her company, GOOP.

The lady on the left is not part of OJM. But if she wants to be, we’re open to it. Also, the Liberty might be better than the Knicks at this point. The Knicks are a complete disappointment. We’ve let an old pair of knees named CJ McCollum get the best of us.

IT’S TIME TO BRING BACK THIBS!

Support our hometown knishes by clicking here…and in all seriousness, they might be down 2-1 to a much worse team, but they still have a shot. On the bright side, you can get pretty good odds on them right now.

Legions of Bob-heads turn out in the freezing rain to light up

Round two of smoke with Bob for International Cigarette Day had just about the worst weather imaginable…FREEZING RAIN! yet hundreds of people still showed up to smoke with the cigarette maestro of New York!

SHOP BOB:

FASHION CORNER

Somehow Lena Dunham found our Portnoy's Complaint shirt and purchased it. It's great when big stars shell out green for our stuff. Philip Roth, if he were still alive today, certainly wouldn't have minded legions of slobbering women strutting the New York streets with the name of his early book plastered across their chests.

COMPLAINTS

→ Complaint of the Week: Our weekly complaint columnist, Leecy Davis (she always has something to bitch about)

I’ve gotta quit my day job.

I’ve had a jampacked month and this week I spent two and a half days in Nashville for a “sales meeting.” Nothing beats a room full of WASPs with no sense of humor. You might be thinking we went to Nashville to see the sights and bond as a team (ew) — yeah no, my boss is an Irish Catholic who grew up wealthy in southern New Jersey…having to share oxygen with one minority (me) is offensive enough.

Instead of gorging on hot chicken, I got to know the Homewood Suites at the airport pretty well. Great bathroom to cry in. If anyone knows any lesbians who want to support a talented writer who will be querying later this year…I’m easy to find and desperate.

→ Joke of the Week (Rodney Dangerfield)

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

→ Wisdom of the Week (Norman Mailer)

Sentimentality is the emotional promiscuity of those who have no sentiment.

→ Ask the (Eastern Standard Time) Rabbi

Friday April 24th

7:20pm: Shabbat begins (i’m not going to shul tn)

Sat April 25th

8:22pm: Shabbat ends (more lemon cake next time)

THE METS REALLY SUCK (CONTINUED….)