Every season, hot, cold, warm, in the mornings, at nights, on the hottest days, I'm sneezing, it is not even a sickness anymore, more like an alter ego.

If you stay with me for a week, two days out of that, I'm sneezing my nose off, and you might be thinking, why don't you just take drugs. This isn't about drugs. I take the medications and it makes me dizzy and sleepy and that's all, I'm still sneezing like a goat and it doesn't end. And no, it's not just sneezing.

You see, there are different stages to this thing. It starts like this:

• The normal sneezing : It starts off pretty normal, just sneezing like every normal person, until it isn't anymore. It proceeds to the next stage.

• The 10 in a row sneezing: This one progessses from the harmless sneezes(if there's anything like that) from sneezing once in a while, to full blown sneezing every minute and then to sneezing ten times in a row, I'm not even kidding, you sneeze once and it activates the 10 in one package, you sneeze about ten times till it stops.

• The eye- popping sneeze: This one follows the 10 in one package, this sneeze makes you feel like you're about to sneeze out your brains and your eyes are about to bulge from their sockets, it happens with so much for force, it leaves you shaking afterwards, and if you guessed it, it's also really loud, and this one makes you want to pluck your nose out and cease to exist, it really is that bad.

• The blocked nose: This one comes on the second day of excessive sneezing, usually in the midnight or before dawn, you'll wake up and start gasping for air, then you'll realize that one or two of your nostrils is blocked, so you'll have to sit down and breath through your mouth, until one of them finally decides to open. You'll go back to sleep but you won't really be asleep, since you're only breathing partially.

• The runny nose stage: It usually starts with the first stage or sometimes it accompanies any other stage, you're in the middle of your afternoon prayer and juice starts trickling down your nose as you bend and stand. You're trying to watch a movie in the evening and you can feel it, about to drop, so you use the handkerchief you always have at your side. This one hurts a lot because you can literally feel the weight of what's im your nose.

• The over sensitive stage: This has to be worst of everything, the slightest shift in the air will make you sneeze out your lungs. Perfumes, food, dust, foam, soap, sand, leaves, anything, anything that has a smell, even books sometimes. And it sometimes unlock the 10 in one package, so you're left sneezing your head off.

When someone sees me sneezing and ask if I've takem drugs. Yes, I've taken drugs, this thing doesn't just want to leave me.

My mum says it's my immunity, but I haven't fallen sick this year, so I don't understand what my immunity is doing, allowing me suffer from the hands of this deranged cattarh.

I also can't leave the house without my handkerchiefs, because who knows, I could start my sneeze sessions at any point, it really is a lot work. And on days when I'm really sneezing heavily, I'm usually unable to do anything, I just lay in bed, weak and dizzy from all the drugs, wondering if this my recompense for escaping period cramps.

Whenever it starts, it progessses till the third day and eventually leaves, today is the third day out of many, and I can pick up myself to even write. I just hope goes and never comes back.

And there are times that, I don't sneeze for a really long time, maybe, the length of three months but then it comes back with full force and torments me all over again.

I know there's not really anything you can do about my situation, but I just wanted to rant, coz I'm tired 😭😭.

It's 2026, and everyone seems to be an expert on living lives, there are self- acclaimed therapist and life coaches everywhere, they'll say, do this when you wake up, read this if you're in you're twenties, twelve sings you're wasting your twenties. The list goes on and on, these people always have an idea, or something to say about how you should live your life, they might be genuine, but you don't give advice to someone who needs a hug.

Sometimes, you don't understand what it is you're feeling or why you're feeling it, so you watch movies all day to quiet the voices in your head, your earplugs are in when you go for a walk, while you do the dishes, and while you're waiting for the lecturer to show up. You keep you're mind busy, enough not to remember. And in the night before you fall asleep, the voice in your head returns, so you play white noise and say it helps you fall asleep faster. When you've just been running.

Running from your own mind, running from the truth it might carry, someone asks “how are you?” And you just say the usual “I'm fine” and you smile a little too, and smiling has never felt more bitter. Your friends joke around and you laugh with them, you laugh the loudest so no one sees you sulking, so nobody asks “Are you okay?” With that look in their eyes that makes you angry at yourself for always been the one with a problem. So you laugh, you laugh as loud as you can.

You watch a movie and it makes you cry, you're angry at the antagonist for making the protagonist's life hard, or maybe you're angry at the writers who wrote it like that to make you cry. So you sit in silence for while, and you think about the last time you laughed genuinely, you had just seen her, the girl you've liked since you sat together in the bus. She went to school with you, and she sat next to you in class that day too, you both laughed all day, and you had the best conversation you've had in a really long time, you smile all the way back to your dormitory, and you call your mum and she hears you laugh, she's happy that you're happy, and you slept with a smile on your face that night. And you think, maybe life isn't so bad.

You wake up the next morning, and you don't reach for your phone first, you look outside the window and the blue sky makes you smile, you watch the sun rise and hear the the birds chirp, you don't rush through breakfast today and you don't take your ear plugs with you, you look outside the window in the bus and feel the wind on your face, your chest doesn't feel heavy, and it doesn't feel like you're running anymore, you listen, you listen to what you're heart has been whispering all along, you don't like it all, but you listen, you hear your own thoughts and it doesn't feel like you're a stranger in your own body. It feels free.

And you realize you've only felt so miserable because of how much you didn't want to feel, you just wanted yo shut off those emotions and it did more than just hurt, it really did drain you, you feel lighter now and you don't practice a smile before you get off the bus, you smiled when you saw your friend and it wasn't bitter, it was real, it was you.

You had a nice day and you see children laughing on their way back from school, it makes you laugh too. And you see the birds that lands too close to your feet to drink water, you notice that the big tree you still below in the evenings looks skinnier, as it has lost most of its leaves and the rest are brown. You see the bakery next to your dorm bringing out a fresh batch to display and it warms your chest, the sky looks cloudy and you genuinely hope it rains at night, so you can have a sound sleep, you go to bed without your phone, without white noise or tiktok videos, you sleep a sound sleep tonight.

I didn't really know how I wanted to write this when I had the idea to write it, but I just wrote it as it came to me, I honestly think that the most overlooked parts of our life, is how feel, our emotions, these things that somehow dictate our mood, which eventually affects how we spend our days, shapes how we live our lives and eventually becomes who we are.

I like to think that, in this part of the world, emotions aren't really considered to be a big thing, especially for teenagers and young adults, we're somehow expected to be fine, to understand what's wrong, when we've never felt these emotions before. As a child, it was easier, we hardly even thought about anything, the only concern then, was to play with friends, but soon, you enter into teenagehood and everyone expects you to just know what to do and how to do it.

And I think our parents or guardians just don't understand, they don't understand that we don't also know what's going on in our minds or why it is even happening. It's all very new and foreign, and you're just here trying to navigate your own mind.

You see, I strongly believe that we all have souls, and a heart. Not the biological organ that just pumps blood, your heart that stores every kind of emotion you've ever felt, your heart that spurts out these emotions that makes you feel the way you do. And the heart and the soul works hand in hand to keep you alive, they're what makes you see magic in little things, they make you cry because of something silly and they really are what adds light to our life , without them, we'll just be a vessel of organs that functions.

These feelings are not also something we can control, it just comes whenever and wherever, it comes, and sometimes it stays for a really long time, or dissappears the next minute. It makes you laugh till your stomach hurts or it makes you cry tears that won't even leave your eyes. And it's just like that.

I hope you let yourself feel your feelings and not just block them off, because I think it hurts more when you do that. So do feel your feelings, whatever it maybe.

My siblings have just left for summer school, and the house is awfully quiet. The only audible thing is the sound of my tapping keyboard. It's the third week of their summer lesson, and I just have to write this to humor this season.

    Some years back, I was the one who got up in the morning and dressed in my nice clothes to go to summer school. I loved going to summer school, I felt like people who didn't, missed out on a lot. It felt like going to school just to play and look nice while doing it, I  liked it mostly because of the clothes, NO UNIFORM, it was literally the best.

    So, 2018, summer school started, and I was excited to go as usual, I was going to attend shadow secondary school, and I was over the moon, literally. I really don't understand the thrill that came with finishing primary school now, but then I was in my head and enjoying every single bit of it.

It wasn't all that, to my disappointment, and it didn't feel special like I thought it would. It was just regular, like any other summer school. Then I met a boy.

    This wasn't the classic, “I met a boy moment.” No, I hated him, I hated him sooooooooo much. We always had two breaks, a long one and a shorter one. The short one came first, and it was for eating , the long ones were for play. All sorts of sports or whatever you wanted to do.

    I sat next to him one day, watching football. The girls were playing against the boys and he would not just shut up, he went on and on about how the girls were playing nonsense and how they fumbled the dribbles, the boys were winning, but I was just there to watch the match the match in PEACE, but this boy just wouldn't shut up.

“You know, some of us are actually here to watch and not critize thier every move.” I'm not sure if that's what I said but I'm sure it's something like that. He faced me and started lecturing me about football, I couldn't even hear what he was saying but he kept on going. “ Do you even know anything about football?” Did I? No, but my brother watches it and I watch too during the world cup, I guess that's close enough.

And through out that week, we'd sit together during break to watch football, he'd lecture me and I'll just try to watch the match, at the end of the week I asked a friend that was in his class for his name, he was in jss2. She said Ajibua, that was a really odd name, I'd never heard it until then sha.

Second week came and I guess I didn't hate him anymore or as much, we started spending our breaks together and we'd watch football, or sometimes I'll watch him play, you see it was around this time I started to notice how fine this boy was, I know I can't really remember what he looked like, now, but I do remember how it felt to look at him then, and I remember certain features he had, he had really long eyelashes, curly hair, and he was fair, and he'd wear crocs with his outfit and it always made him look like those “school bus kids”, the ones that used school bags that had tyres and would just feel bigger than everyone else coz they came to school in school bus, I was really sure he'd be a “school bus kid” if it were normal school.

We spent every break together since then, I was always so excited to go to school, seeing him just made me happy, and no I didn't have anyone to tell this to, my friends already fought with me, they always seemed to have a problem with everything I did, maybe I was walking a specific way, or I was talking this way or staring this way, I tell you, they had a problem with everything I did. But I didn't have time to mind them, I was spending time with this really cute boy and that was all that mattered.

Yes, I liked him already, like like-like, not just like, and I knew this was a whole different level of like, it was different from the likes I'd liked the senior boys in primary school, I really liked him, once it was break I'll go out to wait for him or he'll come and then we'll eat junks together and gossip about his classmates and mine, he would play football sometimes and I'll watch him with a big smile on my face, too bad for my friends, they were missing premium gist.

We had this quiet part of the school we'd go on Fridays when we mostly had free periods, it was the home economics lab, it was a separate story building and not many people played around there, we'd sit by the stairs and talk, I don't even know what we'd talk about, but we never ran out of things to say. This was sincerely one of the happiest moments of life. And I just didn't want it to end.

And I definitely can't skip this part of my crush story, he punched someone, for me.

So, said person used to be a classmate that went to secondary from primary 4, while I and most people waited till primary 5 or 6, said person was in his class and they were friends, we were all friends and said persom hung out with us sometimes, that day, said person kept saying nasty things about me and the next thing,BAM! You should have seen my face.

They were both dragged to the principal's office, and thankfully they let them go without punishment. If I didn't like him before this, I definitely was going to like him now, but I liked him already, so.

I was certain we were going to get married, like that's my soulmate kind of shi, like our second names even matched, mine's Tofunmi and he's was Tomiwa, like we were a match made in heaven, literally. Don't mind me ooo .

I remember when some girls from his class stormed into my class, like they do on Disney Channel or Nickelodeon, the one at the front na started asking me why we were always together, see this one ooo, I don't even remember what I said to her but I sent on her way coz wtf was that? When we're not in mean girls or those shows.

Summer school was coming to an end and that meant I wasn't going to see him again, my parents were shipping me off to boarding school and he was also returning to his own boarding school, neither of us had phones to exchange numbers and I just didn't know what to do. I told my older brother and he just told me to tell him,tell him that I LIKED him? Hell no, he said it wasn't a bad thing if I told him, that girls his age tell boys everytime, but I wasn't girls his age, I was TEN. Freaking TEN.

We memorized each other's addresses like that was going to do anything and we promised to come back the next year for another summer school. We spent the very last part of summer school together and I was going to tell him on the last day. It was the last day and whatever happens will be fine with me, whether he liked me or not, I wouldn't have to see him again, but I was sure he liked me too or maybe I was just tripping.

The very last day of summer school came and I wore my best outfit, packed my braids in a ponytail and left two at the front, I didn't write a letter coz that felt cheesy, I was so nervous to go school but I did anyway, I went to wait at our spot, by the stairs of the home economics lab, I stood there and practiced what I was going to say and how I was going to say it, I practiced it a lot till I didn't forget any lines, I practiced till I didn't forget a word and then I waited, I waited for him to show up like he always does, I waited till school was over, he never showed up.

Oh, I cried my tiny eyes out that night, I cried myself to bed and I prayed to God to let me dream about him, at least, but nothing happened, I couldn't even remember the address we memorized and I couldn't find the book I wrote it in.

I had to clean my tears and start preparing to resume my boarding school and I didn't have time to cry again, or I had other things to cry about, like my hair, I had to cut my hair, my long hair, I looked like a boy and my head looked so small, I have never felt uglier in my whole life. School resumed and I was too busy suffering to cry about him, so I'd just doodle his name on my notebooks and smile.

My first year of secondary school was soon over and I was going to go home, I was going to attend summer school and see him again, I sincerely was so excited, I had grown taller and I knew he would have too, I wanted to tell him everything I couldn't tell him last time and I just wanted to see him again. On the first day of summer school, I went to the jss3 class during break but he wasn't there, I went back the next day and he still wasn't there, I went throughout the first week and he never showed up. I went the second week too but he wasn't there. He never showed up.

And that my friends, was how I had a crush and got my heart broken for the first time.

Before the end of jss2, my family moved away, and all my hopes of ever going back there died. Or seeing him.

In case you're wondering, this is not a fictional story, it really happened to me.

You see, I think my parents saw my potential with this boy thing, they na sent me to a girls only school to kill it.

I've always wondered, I would often ask my older sisters and I guess they didn't have an answer too, mummy was always shouting, in the morning when she was leaving for work, when she came back in the evenings, when we made dinner, on Saturdays while we cleaned the house, in the night before we went to bed, over the phone while we were in school.

It was a mystery, a mystery I had stopped trying to figure out since I was ten, my friends in the compound would ask me whenever I went to play in their house, I also didn't know, Teni and Arin would say she was just tired from work and I'd just nod and listen to my sisters.

That was ten years ago and I've stopped asking, and my sisters still don't have an answer for me, I'd say I've grown immune to my mum and her rants, it's more like background noise and I know when to reply and when not to, when to agree and when to add to what was being said, I was an expert already.

Teni and Arin were finally coming home and I was just too excited, Teni was coming from Jos, where she had just finished her NYSC posting and Arin was coming from Zaria, her uni. My sisters went to school in the north and I wasn't allowed to, I could only school around Lagos and Ogun state, my sisters would say mum was pampering me because I was the last child and she wanted me to be around. Maybe, maybe not. I was sha close to home.

“Nini!”

“Maaaaaaaaa”

I quickly got down from the bed and went to the living room. My mum was already dressed with her gele in one hand, she wore a royal-blue iro and buba lace, and was heavily accessorized with gold jewelries, a chunky bracelet, and star-shaped earrings, a necklace that looked like it weighed a lot.

“I'm going to Bola’s wedding” she said, like I couldn't tell already, she must have mentioned it during the week, I probably forgot.

“Come and tie this gele for me, I don't want it to be too high ooo, just a little fan at the side”

“Are you sure?”

“I don't want anything extra jare, before they'll say I've started again”. Sure, she was going for a simple look and she was dressed like this. I just nodded and took the gele from her.

The crisp material of the gele made crackling noise as I did the base and started with the styling, the gele always fascinated me as a child, I just couldn't understand why it was like that, different from clothe materials and it couldn't be worn as clothes too, it was just for the head, it served as gele, fila and ipele. It was like the head of the clothe family.

“I really like it ooo, I like how it came out”

“Yes na, it's going to be fine, shey it's you that's wearing it”,

“Thank you, Nini. It feels like I'm young all over again”.

She looked at the mirror and took in the look, she was really glad with what I've done. She smiled a small smile and her red lipstick cracked as her lips pursed.

“Have a great time at the wedding”, she carried her bag and walked towards the door.

“ Before I forget, help me arrange my wardrobe, I scattered when I was looking for this lace”, she said and walked out the door.

I began sorting her clothes and folding them back in place like I always saw her do, I pulled a dress to refold it and a big chunky folder fell to the ground with the dress.

It was torn around the edges and was holding itself together with its last will power, it looked it was going to crumble at the slightest touch. Ipicked it up as carefully as I could and peered inside, loads of envelops stared back at me, it smelled like rain. The smell of sand and dust just before it started to rain and a peculiar woody fragrance.

I stuck my hand in and picked out an envelope, it had an address and a name on it and the woody fragrance intensified. It was my mum's name. Denike Bello, her maiden name, I dumped the whole folder on the floor and they were all envelopes with mum's name and an address. There were post stamps on everyone of them.

I took the one that fell on my lap and opened it, it was a letter, they were all letters, letters to my mum.

Dear Denike,

It is with the greatest joy that I write you ,I can finally settle down and have enough time for myself, it has been the busiest since I resumed school, I do hope yours isn't as stressful as mine is, and I'm really sorry for just writing after all this time.

Sincerely, it has been the worst without you here and I miss you with every passing second, like it's crazy that I haven't seen you or heard from you for 2 months and I still can't stop thinking about you. You see what we have is special.

I saw the prawn crackers you're crazy about last week and I bought so much, I just wish you were here too, or I wish I could send them to you at least, but that may not be a very good idea. We'll be starting our tests very soon and I kid you not, I am the least prepared for that, I have been roaming the school and the bank trying to pay my school fees and finish my registrations. It has been so difficult and I hardly make it to class and when I do, I don't even hear what the lecturer is saying, the halls are always full and very hot. I just hope I pass sha.

I watch the sunset often and it's always so beautiful, not as beautiful as you though, I hope you've been watching it too and smiling, your very cutesy smile, I can't even tell you enough how much I've missed you, I miss you every time I see a green dress, like the one you wore at that day at the store, I miss you anytime I see chips, I miss you every night before I fall asleep. I always see you smiling. I miss you when I wake up, I miss you whenever it rains, I remember how you like dancing in the rain, I miss your smile, I miss how you laugh at serious things, I miss slipping my fingers through yours, I miss everything about you, I miss being with you and laughing with you, I miss you in ways words can't describe enough.

I hope school is not so stressful for you and I hope you've made friends, I literally can't wait to come back home, to come back home to you. I made a mixtape of R.kelly's songs and would be sending it through the mail,I really do hope it gets to you, I ought to wait to come back and hand it to you but I can't wait till then, I really hope it gets to you and I hope you enjoy it.

Dearest, please write back to me when you receive this, I'll wait earnestly for your reply as I always have. Do take care and extend my greetings to your friends.

Yours affectionately,

Deji.

I paused for a whole of five minutes after reading Deji's letter, this was written to my mum and I couldn't even stop blushing, it didn't feel like I was reading about my mum. I felt like she was another girl in a romcom, just another girl a boy loved.

It all felt too good, I picked the next one and it was from Deji, and the next, they were all from him, the chunky folder was all Deji's words. I was in a trance and didn't even know what to think, what happened to them? Because I know for sure that Deji isn't her husband or any one of us dad. If they ended, why did that happen? And it was all too much to wrap my head around.

“Nini!” The voice came in, breaking my chain of thoughts.

“Why did you leave the door unlocked?” I heard her say again.

I was in the living room now and Arin stood at the doorway dragging her luggage inside.

“Arin !” I felt my lips callout and I could hear how loud I was. I ran up to her and hugged her, the hug I've missed so very much, the hug of my sister.

     Firstly, I wanted to be a banker. It looked nice it looked nice in the movies, the corporate fits, the typing away on keyboards, everything felt nice.

    Then I wanted to be a lawyer next, I wanted to be a SAN or a barrister like one of mom's friends, I'd be a human right activist and put men in jail, that was what drove me the most, (you see man hating has always been my thing), I held on to this one for the longest time and my answer didn't change, I was going to be a lawyer and sentence rapist to death.

    It was soon time to pick departments in senior secondary, and I already picked the humanities, I was fulfilling my life-long dream, but I wasn't . I was easily convinced to pick the sciences, what was someone like me going to do in the humanities, I was too intelligent for thatHonestly, I don't know if I ever had the answer to this question, I've heard it a thousand times, and my answer didn't change, I was going to be a lawyer and sentence rapist.

It was soon time to pick departments in senior secondary, and I already picked the humanities, I was fulfilling my life-long dream, but I wasn't . I was easily convinced to pick the sciences, what was someone like me going to do in the humanities,  I was too intelligent for that, they said.

    I went with the flow and landed in the sciences, and boy, was I cooked. My class was sooooooooooooo competitive, and I questioned everything that landed me there. The end of the session came, and I was first in class. How did that happen? I also don't know. That really boosted my morale, and I thought maybe it wasn't so hard.

    I guess it was during that holiday I rewatched Flash, and I was fascinated, mind-blown, and forensics became my newest future job. It was really nice to be intrigued all over again, I researched all about it and told my friends I was ecstatic.

    My father later told me it would be impossible to find a paying job as a forensic scientist, and the chances of it even existing in the country were very slim. I slowly let my forensics dream wilt, I won't be a female Barry Allen, and I won't be hit by lightning to become a speedster, I really did dream a lot.

    I still didn't have any plans for my future for a while, I was just fighting for my life in geometry and equilibrium of force classes. Ss2 was HARD, and I did question my life again , I had no idea what I was  doing, I was just trying my best not to lose my mind.

    And like my other career quirks, neurosurgery  came in.It was like the others but it felt achievable and not too far out of reach, I also don't know why I thought that ,like who calls neurosurgery easy? When I'm not Ben Carson. And the craziest thing was how I became interested in it, I never read any of Ben Carson's  books. I watched a kdrama,  it genuinely felt like heaven, I had never considered medicine in my whole life  but that movie changed everything.

    I liked everything about it even though it was just what the movie portrayed. I just felt like I finally found my thing, and I held onto it. I was going to become a neurosurgeon and drill skulls.

    It was time for JAMB registration and I confidently picked medicine and surgery, I'm sure my parents were happy, I was happy too, I was doing something I liked and I was going to prepare for it, and  I did prepare well enough and scored 290 at the end, I felt proud of myself and I had never been prouder, it was a dream come true.

    It is safe to say that things didn't work out as expected because I didn't gain admission, you see, I wasn't going to stop now, I was going to try again. And then I found A-levels and thought that was my one-way ticket to uni. It was the WORST, I dreaded everything about that program, but I did pass, and then I was unable to use my results, yessss, it's kept getting worse.

    I'm currently in school studying to become a dietetician, is that what I want ? I don't even know again, I'm just tired, and I'm going to try my best with what I have currently.

    Why have I spent so long telling you about my life? I also have no idea, but the purpose of this article will be explained now.

    I had a conversation with someone recently, and it changed everything I thought I knew, I asked them what they wanted to be in the future, and they said HAPPY.

    That was a first. Nobody's ever said that to the question, it was always an occupation or how they wanted to live their lives in different ways. But they said, happy. I've never thought of that too, I've thought of many things but that.

    I realized that was never an answer for me because it never felt like an option. Happiness wasn't in the consideration bracket, and it never became a choice. I think children are the happiest people because nothing holds them back, apart from going to bed early and being restricted from playing outside. I guess that's why it was so easy then to be whatever you wanted, it changed every time the question was asked and we didn't really care, we were going to be whatever we wanted as Barbie popularly says.

    The problem isn't picking a career, it was every other thing that came with it, the expectations from family, the consideration of financial stability, or even societal status, the education system in the country is also pretty messed up, so that already does a lot of damage, so many people are going to the university to study courses they never wanted, due to one reason or the another and thinking of what do after graduation, it was never about what exactly we did.

    It was always supposed to be what do you do that makes you happy? But we're not in an economy that really supports that. Everything about this country is depressing sef.

    I may never become a rocket scientist that turns evil to take over the world, or a forensic scientist that gets hit by lightning and become the next Barry Allen, I may never become all the endless things I wanted to be as a child but I'll be happy. Not that I've unlocked the door to eternal happiness or anything but I want to be happy, I don't want to spend the rest of my life sulking and grieving what could have been, whilst I watch my being wilt away.

    I'll be happy for as much as I can and for as long as I can because if I don't choose this warm, fuzzy feeling over everything, I might actually become the next Thanos.

And I think it's really okay to not know what you want to do, you have a whole lifetime to figure that out and you shouldn't be so hard on yourself.

He speaks only for a little,

He listens more than he ever talks

And you thought he had nothing to say?

No darling, it's just better not to.

For if he did,

His words might break you,

Slice through your heart,

And impair the beautiful lens,

With which you view the world.

Don't think he's happy,

But don't think he's sad too,

Just somewhere between the two,

He got lost,

Somewhere between being himself

And fighting for that self.

But he'll come home,eventually,

And he'll be happy, finally,

For he won the greatest battle of all,

The battle between him and himself.

You don't expect him to be mean now,

Do you?

I'm not my father's daughter,

Or my mother's son,

I don't want to fit into the perfect image,

The perfect image of a child they already have,

I don't want to conform to the life they planned for me,

I don't want to spend my days living thier lives,

When I have barely lived for myself.

I should have atleast have a say in my life,

It's mine, but it's yours,

Then it's not mine if it's yours,

And I'm not there anymore,

I'm just living the life you've always wanted,

What about what I want?

That doesn't matter, does it?

I don't want to be just an offspring,

A continuity of lineage ,

Or a carrier of family name,

I want to be me,

I don't even kmow what I am yet,

So I have to be you ,

I can't exist if you want two lives,

The life you already have and the one you want for me.

I want to look into the mirror and see myself ,

But I all I see is you and everything you want,

I don't want to be you,

I want to have a face of my own.

It was the fifth day of the week or perhaps the sixth, I don't know which it was but, it's been more than a month now. A month since I came home, a whole month of isolation.

The last time I had stepped outside was two weeks ago, Granny had come to visit and she dragged me outside. We went to the market with Bolu to get water yam so she'll make her very popular ikokore. She cooks it whenever she comes visiting, and Bolu and I are always subjected to the manual labour of grating the water yam.

“I know you like it and your mum won't cook it for you, so I'll cook it for you anyways”, she'll always say, trying to distract me from complaining. Did I like ikokore? Not really. Will I eat it with a big smile to make my grandma happy? Yes. I'd often wonder if my mum got to eat ikokore often as a child, or if grandma was as attentive to her as she was to me. But I knew there was no saving her strained relationship with her mother, the mother my mum said she had and the woman that became my grandmother are two different people. Her mother was cranky,always on edge, would beat her and her siblings to a pulp, but my grandmother was sweet almost angelic and the closest thing to perfection I knew.

It's been two weeks since we sat together to eat and she told me about her neighbors back at Ibadan, how their kids come to keep her company in the evenings and how she made snacks for them whenever they came around, that's the woman I knew but the one my mother knew seems to be the complete opposite. It's hard to believe too, but I have to take her word for it.

After Granny's visit, I thought I was okay, much better and I felt a wash of relief, but the relief didn't last too long, between the heavy silence and the cold in the house often punctuated with knocks on my door to come down for dinner where we'll all eat in silence, cutleries doing all the talking that needed to be done. It slowly slipped back, the enemy I had fought for a long time and thought I had the won, bed rot, I thought I was just relaxing after a stressful session of school but it was here, looking me in the face and probably laughing at me.

But I had no where else to go or to turn to, so I turned to my phone, to reels, to stories on ig and on snap, it was easier that way,streaming shows and movies, spending hours upon hours on tiktok just scrolling because I had to, what else would I have done? How else would I have numb the overwhelming pain that grew every minute my head went silent, so I blocked it out, I listened to as much songs,watched as much movies and scrolled endlessly on whatever app it was, this was my life now.

Crazy how I never thought I'd be in this place, crawling and pleading for escape at the hands of my mobile phone, I see my friends having the best holiday and well I'm just here scrolling away. They say everyone deals with grief differently but this was just not it, how do you even mourn someone that was never yours, bury the version of them you imagined you'd exist with, and ache for a life that only ever existed in your head, so instead of feeling all these miserable emotions, I'd rather drown them out, I'd rather watch comedy and laugh till tears fall from my eyes and my stomach starts to hurt, I'd rather watch reality tv and insult almost every man there than actually sit with whatever was in my chest, it was too heavy and I fear it would leave a dent, because my chest hurts just thinking about it.

My plan was not the best, it was adequate, it was enough for me to go a day without tearing up, it was just the right amount of distraction I needed and I'll be fine, or so I thought .

I was just settling into bed to start my daily dose of screen time when I got a text, I had muted notifications from most of my contacts from school so it had to be someone else. I opened it and it was from Jadesola, my bestest friend, she had come to save me from my misery, atleast that's what her text said, I smiled to myself and instinctively got down from the bed and ran down the stairs, she was there wearing her ever cheerful smile as Bolu collected her bags.

“Have you come to stay here forever?” I joked at the sight of the luggage she had packed.

“Yes ooo, I've left my daddy's house to come and marry your brother ,” we both laughed at that, she always said she'll marry my brother if I had one, unfortunately my parents stopped trying for a child after they had me. She smiled at me and gave me the biggest hug, she has always been a hugger like a life-sized teddy.

“So how have you been?”

“I'm just here jare”, “So you're not going to tell me what happened?” Jade squinted at me like that was going to somehow squeezs words out of me.

“I don't know,” “Of course,you do,just tell me, Tiwatope just talk to me. I know you were not going to say anything over the phone and I'm here now, won't you tell me what happened to you?” Jade held me hand and looked at me with so much concern, I almost burst into tears.

“I broke up with Ini,” her face fell and I'm sure she didn't know how to react, that was how I felt too. She pulled me into a hug and I just felt the words spilling out of my mouth, I told her how we didn't even have a fight and how it was more of our life not alinging anymore, how we had different dreams and different plans and how we'd only be standing in each other's way if we had stayed together, I went on and on about how much I wanted the best for him and this was probably the only way to achieve that, I realized I was crying now, hot tears falling from my face and my back was warm too, she was probably crying with me. I hadn't cried at all since we broke up, I had numbed that pain and buried it deep inside, I thought it was never going to resurface, but here I was, crying my eyes out.

I always thought we were going to end up together and fight whatever battle it was that life threw in our faces, we had been together since year one of uni and were graduating in two months, it was a fairytale I enjoyed way too much, but we didn't get a happy ending, I desperately wished we had a fight or an argument, something I could hold onto and blame, but it was a conversation we had like two adults,like we weren't tearing out each other's heart, like every word didn't stab in the chest, we agreed mutually that it was best we went our separate ways. Ini was going to graduate as a computer engineer and he'd go for his masters in the UK ,we had everything planned out, long distance wasn't going to be a problem, atleast I thought. His parents wanted him to get married before he left, I couldn't, what was a 22 year old like me business in marriage? I didn't want to just finish school and get married, I didn't want that for myself, I wanted to do so much for myself before marriage even came into the picture, we both went our separate ways since weren't headed in the same direction.

Jade dragged me out of the house the next day, and the day after that and the day after that too, we went out everyday, she always had somewhere to take me to, the beach, cinema, amusement park, name it , we were everywhere that week and it did make me feel better. I was better now. Even my mum noticed after Jade left, she said I didn't look dead anymore because I wasn't on my phone as much, I just smiled at her, she wasn't wrong.

You see I also thought my phone was the problem at some point, I thought it was what drained me and I still went back to it, but after Jade's visit, I realized that my phone wasn't the entire problem, it was me trying to run away from the painful emotions my heart held, I tried to lock it up, maybe if I watched enough movies or just spent enough time on my phone I'd eventually forget ,I'd get to numb to it, and it wouldn't be a problem anymore.I was seeking refuge in the one thing that'll keep me occupied enough to forget how I felt. I was seeking refuge from behind a screen hopelessly begging to forget how I felt.

I wonder if this is how drug users feel too, quieting their mind and soul with substances rather than dealing with it. So phone addiction is like any other one, it's just digital. As Jade said, and I quote “some emotions have to be felt no matter how bad they are, if we try to numb them, we'll never get past it and our lives will just be centered around feeling it and running from it.”

As for me, I tried to run away from my mind and it caught up with me eventually, am I entirely happy? No, not yet ,but I guess I'm less miserable.

I'll be going to spend the rest of my holiday with Granny before I lose my mind again. And I know I'll get better in Ibadan.

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To feel the wind in your hair

To breathe air free from soot

To eat breakfast, lunch and dinner

Without fear of hunger.

To play outside and shout all you want

To laugh till your stomach hurts

To sleep on a soft bed at night

Without fear of raining bombs.

To speak when you want

To wear what you want

To be safe in the four walls of a home

Without fear of an oppressive government.

To live on this side of the world

Where rights still exist

Where war is distant

Where worries aren't bombs or living under a blue burqa.

To the live the life they once lived

That has now become foreign

That has become only a distant dream

For the kid in Gaza and the girl in Afghanistan .

Don't you think we struggle too much?

For a life that eventually comes to an end

For a life that holds you and choke you up,

For a life that'll move on without you .

Like the rain, we all pour

Drop after drop, to the very last

Till all that's left is the split-splat of a few drops

And when it's over

Everywhere's cool again

Like it wasn't noisy and pouring seconds ago.

The air feels lighter,or purer

Like the rain came to wash

To wash the despair off your heart

To thin the heaviness in your chest

To relieve you of whatever pain you carry.

So, while it rains

Step and let it wash away your pain

Let it cleanse you of your grief

Let it make you as light as a feather.

Breathe again, your troubles has gone with the rain

Whether it be rain or sunshine,breathe again

The weather has seasons and it knows the time for each

We have seasons too but the time remains uncertain

So we'll just exist alongside the weather

Whether it be rain or sunshine.

“Where are you this girl?”I heard my mum's voice come in again and this time I darted outside to the backyard where she was. “I was making sure the stew the didn't burn,” I said as I sat on the stool next to her.

“Your brother fainted again and he's not using his drugs,I'm tired of this boy ooo,when he's not the only child I have ,it's only him that'll be falling sick eveytime,” but it's not his fault ,I knew better than to enrage my already stressed mother,I dashed back inside the kitchen to turn off the gas before our nosey neighbors willl have another reason to come knocking at our door.

“Mummy, he takes his drugs oo,this morning we were just in a hurry because we were already late for school,” I said as I returned to the backyard staying out of hands reach. She just sighed and continued cleaning her shoes for tomorrow.

How do I explain to my mother who is very literate, that my brother is not an ogbanje because he falls sick, more frequently than us, that he also doesn't want to be sent to sit after running a little,that he knows the coach has benched him for the rest of his days in the school and he's only keeping him there for the sake of his glory days. Clinton will talk to only me during breaks now, because the rest of his friends are on the field maximizing their testosterone, he'd come to my class at least three times to do one thing or the other and I'd just let him, but I can't tell my mother all of these, she's already worried about rent, my school fees for uni that she's been saving up, and now, more drug money.

After we ate our dinner of the remaining rice from breakfast and stew I scrapped from tomato paste and plenty onions. Clinton made a show of using his drugs this night, and my mum couldn't care less. He went into his room looking not so triumphant, as he'd have done normally.

I tapped on his room door slightly as I didn't want to wake my mum sleeping in the next room, “what do you want?” He asked as he unlocked the door and lazily puts a shirt on.

“Are you okay?” “Of course, I'm okay. Get some sleep Dara, we've got school tomorrow,” I nodded and this boy patted my shoulder, he was much taller than me now and somehow thinks he's older. “I'm really fine,”he said smiling lightly and turned me away from his door.

He wasn't fine, but I don't think my 15-year-old brother wants to talk to me about his feelings and my middle aged mother doesn't care too, so I was the only one with a beating heart that was functioning well enough. I wish he'd talk to me about it, Clinton was the most sensitive person I knew, he'd cry at the slightest things but my baby brother wasn't a baby anymore.

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I remember how we'd go on errands together, and most people would call us twins even though I was much taller than him then. How tightly he held my hand when our older sister, Beatrice, fought with mum everyday since she found out she was pregnant in her second year of studying law and insisted she'd keep the baby, I would often take him to the room to watch power rangers on the highest volume, so he doesn't hear my mum amd sister scream at each other. And how hard we both cried when Beatrice finally left home to go and live with dad and have her baby there, how badly I wanted to follow her that night, how I wished she'd squeeze me and Clinton into her bag, but none of that happened. She left and my mum cried for two days before drying her eyes and returning to work on Monday.

Mum left at her usual 7:30 am to resume for work, Clinton and I went back to bed,as it was a Saturday. The house was quiet and lighter, not as heavy as it was yesterday, it was going to be another normal weekend.

I closed my eyes and begged God to let me fall back asleep, but my body had a different plan, I just laid there, turning and tossing in bed, hoping that I'll sleep eventually. I gave up and went to get water to drink.

I had walked past his room to get to the kitchen when I heard him, very soft, but it was definitely sobs,he was crying, I stood there not knowing what to do, the door creaked open a little and I saw his tall figure huddled on one side of the bed, he saw me and I just felt my legs moving towards him .

“Are you okay?” I asked as I sat next to him on the bed, of course he wasn't okay.

He looked up at me and I could see how swollen his eyes were, had he been crying all night? Maybe he had. I just put my arms around him and he even sobbed the more, I wanted to tell him it was okay and that he shouldn't cry anymore but I just let him cry on my shoulder, I wanted to reassure him that everything was fine but I didn't know that for sure , so I just held him and my own eyes started to water, we weren't just crying early in the morning again, we were back at the night Beatrice left home and we were both crying ugly tears. It was us against the world as it always has been.

We were there for the longest time and neither of us said anything to the other, we just cried together like we were ten and seven again.

I've seen the dynamics of life,even as as a child and I don't think any child should get to see that at that age, I hope if I eventually have children, they never get to see life how I saw it, I hope they get to be children for as long as they can, I hope they're not forced to grow up too quickly and I hope they're happy, happier than I or my siblings ever were.

I hope they never get to see the world I grew up in.

It was the most regular Tuesday afternoon,I'd cleaned my room,changed my sheets,and just had a cold bath,ready to start binge-watching my shows.

“Do you want to go back to bed?” I heard my roommates ask as I kicked off my fluffy slippers and ascended the ladder to my top bunk. “No,I'm just about to start my shows”, I replied as I sat on my bed that had been prepared for my movie marathon, my laptop was fully charged,I had a bag of snacks to munch on and a bottle of soda.

Now this was the best after-test reward I could give myself. I've read my butt off and it was finally time to take a freaking break,this was the life,everything was perfect or so I thought.

I'd just finished the the first part of Legally Blonde,don't ask me why I'm rewatching old shows,they're just better in my opinion. My phone started buzzing as I had kept it in vibrate, to avoid any disturbance,I picked it up,hoping to see a message from my bestie but it wasn't from her,it was from the person I'd least expect to text me,we weren't having classes for at least two weeks and he'd only to text me to ask for things about school ,I just couldn't think of any reason why he'd text me,if only I had ignored that stupid text and continued watching Elle Woods become a badass lawyer, if only.

“Hey Juwon”,his text read and that was all,my brain couldn't stop thinking for possible reasons why he was texting me and I just replied “Hey ,how u doing?”hoping he'd just say whatever it was he had to say but he didn't, he went ahead to ask me if I had gone home for the break,there was no reason not to answer,so I told him I was still at school.I was hoping this conversation with Timi would just end there ,since there was no reason he'd texted,then he said he was bored,and my head couldn't just stop spinning after that statement,like I was what?some amusement park or what?but maybe I was overthinking. Instead of telling him off like I would have on any normal day,I decided to be the polite girl I wasn't. “Should I recommend a movie for you then,or maybe books?”That was the best I could do for anyone that was bored out of their mind,then came his reply, “How about we watch it together?” I really couldn't wrap my head around what was going on and why on earth he'd just said that. We weren't close and I definitely wasn't the girl that hung out with guys. “Errrm,where exactly is this coming from, and why on earth will you want to watch movies with me?”I was already really starting to get pissed with everything I was seeing on my screen,I just left it to return to my Legally blond.

That was when I got another message as I slid under the covers to continue where I left off,it wasn't from Timi now,it was from another guy from my department ,Bolu,he was more or less an acquitance. “ I don't know what they're doing,but I think Timi and Tise are trying to mess with you”,mess with me? Now what on earth was happening? These three guys were in same department as I was and it's safe to say we weren't friends,not close enough to laugh with each other or try to mess with each other.

It was all so confusing,I'd really never have interactions with Tise or Timi outside school work,and we barely even said hi,so why was this happening and were was this coming from? The three of them were in the same friend group and I didn't know what to believe and I could only feel my anger climb as I kept thinking about what I'd just read,mess with me,I didn't even know these guys well enough for any of this to be happening,earlier this semester,Tise had openly declared that he liked me,not to me though, this declaration was done on the department's group chat,and I said nothing since he never told me personally,now Timi that was supposed to be Tise's friend was in my dm asking me,that hardly talks to any boy,to Netflix and chill,this was more than annoying, it was infuriating,so they were playing some sick game and I was somehow in the middle of it,how much I avoided drama and it came to meet me on my bed,in the middle of my movie marathon,hell,I wasn't going to let any of this slide,you can't just think you can mess with me or anyone whenever you like and just get away with it. Especially not me.

As much as I wanted to just crash out and insult the both of them,I decided to just play along,even though I had no idea where all of this was leading, but one thing was sure,I didn't want them to just get away with messing with me,so I talked to Timi about the movie we were going to watch together,we even chose a time ,all the while still waiting for this guy to just come out and say he was only joking, but he never did.

Not long after I ended my conversation with Timi, I got a text from Tise, telling me how Timi had to told him that he should have told me personally about liking me and all. All of these was just so annoying, what did they really think they were doing? He just went on and on about how he couldn't approach me because I always had a straight face and some shit. I guess I couldn't contain my anger anymore and just told him to cut the crap and I knew exactly what he was doing with his friend, I didn't call him names,just a very clear message thay he should stop whatever he thought he was doing.

Now this is where everything gets crazier because this boy straight on, denied everything and said I was accusing him of something he never did,and then I knew what exactly I was dealing with, a gaslighter,this boy was here denying everything I'd said,so two could definitely play this game,I told him I wasn't so sure,so maybe I was wrong,now this boy was feeling he had the upper hand and started saying some alpha male and alpha female shit,like does he not know that I saw through everything he was doing and just played along,does he really think he's an alpha male or whatever for trying to gaslight me and mess with my head ,does he really think I was gullible enough to believe all the nonsense he said,and he went on to call me an alpha female,I really couldn't stop my laughter at this point,so for some reason I don't know, this boy thinks I want to be classified with that word,maybe it's my name,Juwon,more popular among the boys, but my dad gave it to me anyways. And this one was telling me about some alpha shit.

I went to cancel my movie plans with Timi,I really wasn't going to be doing any of that with neither of them and I lay awake on my bed,it's 8:00 pm already and I stare at the bag of half eaten chips, the movie I hadn't started and the rest of the snacks I had, untouched by my taste buds,and the sugary drink that was meant to be my reward only half full now. I lay awake and I can't sleep because for the first time in my twenty years of life,I was gaslighted by someone other than my parent,gaslighted so well ,I almost didn't recognize it,I lay awake with a million thoughts of exactly how I'm going to get back at these boys for what they'd done,I lay awake replaying what my roommate, Clara, had said about it not being her business when I told her ,I lay awake thinking I should just buy a gun and shoot them in the legs,and then,even the only thing that could keep away from all of this seemed to have eluded me,sleep refused to come even though I'd down sleeping pills.

I could only see the ceiling with the glow in the dark stars,I had pasted on it in year one,I really shouldn't have answered that text and now whatever game they started I had to finish it.

Craziest thing about all of these is,the drama came to find me on my bed,in the middle of my movie marathon,on a random Tuesday afternoon.

I hope you enjoyed Juwon's story,it took a while to process and a while to put down too and the craziest thing is,all of this,actually happened to me yesterday on my bed,when I was watching TO ALL THE BOYS.

I still don't know what I want to do to them,maybe I should really buy a gun.

How are you doing? If you could answer honestly, and not the same old,I'm good,or the I'm just there,how are you ? Are you okay? Will that become a gate to all the emotions you locked inside,thinking you were good at hiding things or running, running from your own problems, because it's just easier to do than fighting your inner demons. Perhaps running is also easier than coming to terms that you're not okay,even though it's not written on your forehead,but deep inside your heart, it's a whole world war.

When your heart has lost its magical ability to glow and all it does, is keep you from dying and then, do you really want it to keep you from dying?

I don't know who needs to hear this,but I know I also need this desperately, that's why I've kept off from writing about it for the longest time,it became a thought I carried around for too long,that it started to look good with my outfits. It didn't feel so out of place anymore and that was the scary part.

It just happens on a any normal day when it feels like your entire world has come crumbling to your feet and the world just moves on. But nothing significantly bad happened, no bad news from home,no course failure,no fallout with anyone, it's just the quiet realization that somewhere along the line,you forgot what exactly it was you lived for.

And it comes with a special ability too,the ability to mask all of that behind a smile,or a “I'm fine”. Like you didn't wrestle yourself to get out bed that morning, like everyone else seemed fine but you just stuck out like a sour thumb,like you didn't see the world in only black and white and all colours seem to draim from your eyes. The mask works so well, that you also start to believe that you were meant to live that way,that this draining routine,slowly became your everyday.

“If you're hurting, share it with someone”,that's the perfect example of it's easier to say than actually do. Who exactly is going to listen to you like they didn't have their own problems too? Who is going to stay when the words forms a tighten around your throat and refuses to come out? Who is going to hold your hand and tell you it's fine? This person may not be around, this person may also have the same mask you wear,so who exactly will you cry to when words betray you and all you do is just stare into oblivion?

It feels like life asks for too much for simply existing,it feels like walking on broken bottles when you try to run and it feels even worse when you try to stay ,so you just remain in the darkness that no longer feels foreign,the darkness that knows your name too well ,the sea of despair slowly engulfs you in,and you can no longer put up a fight as the oxygen in your lungs, slowly fills with the darkest, murkiest water of the ocean of darkness you lingered too long in.

Because we live in a world that moves too fast, that calculates too much a world that forgets to breathe every now and then a world that forgets the very thing you are,human,a world that doesn't give you time to figure things out,or get your shit together and world that scrolls when hearts bleed ,a world that judges before it comforts,and the craziest thing is even the world has nothing to do with all of these,but the people occupying the world has everything to do with this.

Because no one actually wants to talk about how hard it really is to just be functioning and existing when you're broken, and it feels impossible to talk about too,because everyone just assumes you're fine,and nobody tells you it's okay not be fine,it's okay to cry into your pillow, it's okay to not know what you're doing or where you're going all of these is okay. What's not okay is thinking it's not okay to not be okay. It's okay. We're all just trying here.

I've wanted to write this for the longest time,I don't know what really held me back but I broke free from whatever it was,I was even more determined to write this,when I got a message from a friend, she also writes on here.

I'll be leaving the message she sent here for you too🙃.

Hi,

How are you?

Really, how are you? How do you feel when the lights go out, and you are all alone in your bed at night? What are the voices in your head telling you and what do you feel upon hearing them?

What goes through your mind when you leave the noisiness of the outside world and return to your empty house, giving your not-so-pleasant thoughts more room to echo louder than ever?

How are you? Not the generic "I'm okay"

How does it feel when you sit in a crowded room surrounded, yet alone? When the voices in your head get so audacious that they no longer wait for you to go into quiet rooms to announce themselves? When they get louder in already loud rooms, nearly running you mad?

How are you and the Lord? How is your love walk with the Lord? Are you satisfied with Him? Are you letting hurt from life bleed into your relationship with Him?

Life can get really overwhelming. School is overwhelming. Work is overwhelming. Doing nothing at all gives your brain room to overthink everything and it gets exhausting. In different phases of life, there's always the possibility of fatigue creeping in and lodging itself there. Please, don't let it overload you. Do not keep it all to yourself. Sometimes, talking about it once is not enough, and being silent about it is even more detrimental. Talk about it as many times as you need to, to feel lighter. Reach out to people you trust and rant. Reach out to anybody, don't stay underwater. Rant about it to yourself, write about it in your journal, talk it over with God, but please, don't bottle it up or swallow it. Complain to me; I will probably definitely not have a solution but please, feel free to complain as many times as you need to me. I promise to listen.

Don't let the heaviness weigh you down. It seeps in slowly. It starts off as something small, a small burden that feels minute enough to carry around without having to process.

But the more you ignore it, the heavier it gets. The weariness imprints itself on you slowly at first, and then it sticks to your soul like some impossible-to-get-rid-of disease. It becomes lassitude. It weighs you down until you no longer have the will or energy to do anything. Basic activities such as brushing your teeth and washing your face start to feel like tasking chores.

So, I'm asking again, how are you?

It's okay not to be okay and if you really are okay, I pray it only gets better.

Don't forget to rest your weary heart, and cry all the tears you want, as loudly as you want to today.

I really want to tag her ,but i don't how to 😪😭

Her username is Fareeha anyways.

Because why is a muslim man's biggest problem women and how they dress. I saw this video recently of this man criticizing muslim women that wear niqabs,these are the women that cover their faces and the rest of their body for the sake of Allah.

And they were being criticized for accessorizing their niqabs,though I know that there are laws guiding everything in our religion,Allah knows best.

But why were these women being criticized for this,a simple and gentle correction would suffice, but no,this man had to go all out and talk about them like they're the ones who started the world wars ,or it'll be their fault dajjal appears.

It's like they keep forgetting that we both have our roles to play,and if these men were lowering their gaze, would they really have seen these women?To think that this is even the highest form of modesty a woman can actually possess in her dressing,yet they're called out for a mistake perhaps,and the fact that they even put it on in the first place is overlooked,not that they'll be the ones to reward them for putting it on,their reward is with Allah. Then why should the people that wouldn't be rewarding them for putting it on,be the ones to judge them for a mistake?

Even though I know many will disagree with me ,I don't think a man should be in a position to judge a Muslim woman harshly regarding her hijab or her dressing, because he has never had to go through anything she goes through, he never had to fight himself in the morning to wear the hijab,he never told himself “it's fine, I'm doing it for the sake of Allah,”he was never told to take his hijab off when he wanted to snap passport for his WAEC,he was never under the hot sun but still kept all the layers of clothes he had worn on ,he never struggled with his hijab in public and he really thinks can criticize the people that actually wear it.

The fact that the hijab was never meant for only females,makes it crazier ,but the males also have their hijab,which is lowering their gaze and been modest in their character,but they'll leave all of this and decide to attack women because their hijab is a piece of clothing and they should be covered at all times. If these men were actually observing their hijab would they have noticed anything wrong with the women's own?

And what if she decides to take it off?she'll be pointed at. She wears it,she's not wearing it right,and why are we trying to measure the level of our iman with the size of our hijabs? When no one measures iman with how small or big your cap is,or how long your thobe is.

A woman and a man are not the same,Allah knows this and that's why He gave us specific roles to play,very different in the society but the same to the Him. If we're all equal before Allah, shouldn't we treat ourselves as equals?

Maybe I'm wrong and I shouldn't have written all of this,Allah knows best. But I do know that even correction should be done gently. Because, if we all got scolded instead of corrected, we won't still be here being muslims. We'd have given up because the religion is too difficult whereas the religion isn't, we're the ones that make it that way.

To everyone that read this till the end,we're really are all the same before Allah,we shouldn't bring down each other for anything,a gentle correction will suffice

And to the non muslims reading this,

Here's the meaning of some Arabic words I used

Iman :faith

Niqab:face veil

Dajjal:the anti christ

The night sky fades,

And light starts to peek through the clouds,

The cold of night slowly melts into a warm embrace,

And warmth becomes an essence again,

Colours come in sight again

Morning promises goodness without boundaries,

Like kisses from a soulmate,

It brings bounties and light upon light,

A serenity too big to describe with words

A subtleness that can never be experienced and only lived,

A reward for the cold and worries of night,

The blooming of the day into a full bouqet of goodness,

The birds chirp and the hearts sing

Because it's dawn again,

And the world starts again,

And yesterdays in the past,

And today's starts,

And so should you,

The storm of yesterday's gone,

And the uncertainty of today lives,

So live again ,breathe again and try again