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Updating has always been a problem for me, and the internet has only exacerbated—or made ridiculously clear—the issue I have with catching up. There is so much now to keep up with: bills (coercion and fear of loss prioritize this), websites, social media, blogs… the list can go on. I have tried to maintain all of these things, and each one I have failed at (except, possibly, social media, but the “success” there isn’t really a success—but I digress) in varying degrees. Even before I was married and before I had children, there was always me… running behind.

I have not figured out why, but—at least now, for this Substack—I proffer an excuse: vacation. I took a seven-day cruise to Alaska and British Columbia, Canada. It was a nice moment of time where I couldn’t do anything (internet on cruise ships is frighteningly inadequate) except take care of my family and reflect on things. And eat. There was a lot of eating.

When I was a child, my favorite state was Montana because it was one of the least populated states in the Union: nature, for whatever reason, untouched by man seemed the ideal. Wyoming and Alaska also held the same appeal. I have always wanted to visit these places, but, besides a drive-through of Wyoming during which my sister drove 90 miles an hour because of the fear of a tornado (the sky was awfully dark and oppressive), I have never been. Granted, a few hours in Juneau and Skagway weren’t really a “visit” in a satisfying sense, but I was there. It counts for something.

After living a decade in Florida, the mountains and trees of the Pacific Northwest were breathtaking. Landing in Juneau felt like confronting a wall of trees. The abrupt rise of the mountains and jagged skyline were so much different than what I had accustomed myself to. It was hard not to reflect on creation, on God, on how the world is so vastly different yet very similar. The spirituality of it, for me, could not be avoided. How does an atheist deal with the sublime in nature?

One of the things I was surprised to discover was the natural beauty of glaciers. I didn’t know much about glaciers—never cared for them, really—but to see the Mendenhall Glacier was eye-opening, to say the least. I always imagined glaciers as icebergs, floating on oceans and used as measuring sticks for global warming, but to see them embedded in land, a blue wall amid the green, made me reflect on my own ignorance about the world. We hiked through the Tongass National Park—the area around the Mendenhall Glacier—and saw Nugget Falls. It was beautiful, to put it simply.

And, even though it has been a light summer, I felt I needed this break. Certain projects I was working on were bothering me. I wanted to find time to write more, to continue the Muslim fantasy novel I started writing months ago, and to work on editing projects and prepare for classes. Childcare, house management, and social events—on top of me trying to increase my exercise and set up healthy eating habits (a work in progress)—all contributed to a type of stress that may be similar to someone who is burned out from work. Granted, it’s not the same—no one has to tell me that—but it did produce in me a feeling that I was behind. I was not achieving as much as I should. I was not using time efficiently. I was chasing that ever-elusive point of completion, of being “caught up.” Every attempt at it was foiled or derailed or set back in some way: I can’t blame family (especially my children) because this has always been a problem for me. But I was just not getting there.

The cruise and the scenery of Juneau, Skagway, Emerald Lake (in British Columbia), and Victoria forced me to just accept I couldn’t do anything. I could only get my grading done enough before the cruise to not be a problem upon my return (I’m happy to say I did that and got the grading done). But all those other projects: editing, writing, and other work, had to take a backseat. For once, I didn’t have to “update” anything. It was a relief, and it allowed me to put some things in perspective. I still have not figured out why I am always behind, but the moment to breath, to relax, to think about other things, is something I would like to take forward; I want to be able to stop every once in a while, and reset. I think everyone needs that sometimes.

For those who are following along for free, I will post random thoughts and musings, usually not well-researched—at least for now—and news of my progress in various projects to try and entice you to pay to see my creative work. The hope is to try to build an audience and expand. I really want to be a writer who can live off of my writing, and so far that has not been possible. But I am not doing this for sympathy. I want to be good (whatever that means). I believe I have talent, but I lack a schedule and real, hardcore discipline, and this Substack is a way to try and get those things. I want to share my talent with the world, I want to make Muslims mainstream, and I want to do it on something of my own terms. (I hope.)

Whether you are paying or not, I am glad you joined!