My last publication was in February and if you’d like to know why there’s been so much time between my entries to online publishing, read that here.

I’ve also been busy since April with a new job at my local public television station as well as the current film festival run for my short film Julie Takes a Walk.

My focus the last few months has been to prioritize in life experiences instead of creating an internet archive. Slow creation is the best and I highly recommend more folks shift to this model.

ANYWAY!

Here’s what I’ll be diving into below:

• If you’re not watching the WNBA, WHY NOT?

• The Last Temptation of Christ (1988) is a good look at being human

• An ode to Zendaya’s booked and busy schedule

What Part Two (coming soon) will contain:

• The Odyssey, Hadestown, and the lasting legacy of the Greek myth

• The Tom Holland Spider-Man Movies

• LIST! What I’m looking forward to still to come this year!

If you’re not watching the WNBA, WHY NOT?

If you’re looking for some of the best sports (possibly ever?) than you need to be tuning into the WNBA. This is the league’s thirtieth season and for the first time since its inception, respect is being recognized on a major level. That doesn’t mean the talent hasn’t always been there. Thankfully, the fandom is making sure that new viewers who are falling in love with professional women’s hoops are getting the full story.

I’ve was a casual viewer of women’s basketball until 2023. I had been interested in getting involved sooner but I had no clue where to get started. Now, with the growth in popularity that is noticeable even in the last three years, there are multiple entry points to becoming a WNBA fan.

One of the biggest shifts is how many games are available to watch. The 2026 season set a record with 216 nationally televised games. Sure, you have to have Peacock, WNBA League Pass, Amazon Prime, and more to catch all the games but that has less to do with the WNBA and more to do with where we are currently at as an audience in this streaming enshittification.

Don’t know who to root for? That’s okay! There are so many lovable players and teams that just getting involved will quickly reveal whose game you fall in love with. And everyone’s journey to find their team might look different. If you have a team in your hometown or current city, that might be a fun place to start. Plus, that makes it easier for going to the games in person. Trust me when I say that once you get hooked, you’ll be wanting to experience the excitement in real life.

The season so-far

The 2026 season has seen some trades, drafts, and other moves as well as the addition of two new teams, the Portland Fire and the Toronto Tempo. Of course, the Las Vegas Aces are our reigning champions. They accomplished their third title last season under the rule of one of the best female basketball players of all time, A’ja Wilson. Don’t overlook Chelsea Gray and Jackie Young though! The Aces are a hot team and I wouldn’t be surprised if they win again.

My team, the Dallas Wings, are currently in fourth at the start of the second half of the season. This is incredible considering we won a total of just ten games in 2025. But this is the sophomore year for last season’s Rookie of the Year and basketball sensation, Paige Bueckers. While she might lead the team, her chemistry with the current Wings roster including Arike Ogunbowale, Jessica Shepard, and Azzi Fudd (who just became the first rookie to win the three point contest) is making for some great basketball.

My husband picked the Golden State Valkyries for his team. They were part of a league expansion in 2025 and have made an incredible mark in just a season. Veronica Burton is a masterclass in on court tenacity and the addition of Gabby Williams has shifted their power.

The season moving forward

With All Star Weekend now behind us, the intensity is only going to get hotter as we inch closer to a post season run. I wouldn’t count out the Minnesota Lynx, especially now that Napheesa Collier will get to join rookie Olivia Miles on the court. Miles has come out with such a start of her professional career, I’ve heard her name mentioned for MVP already.

Of course, we have the Connecticut Sun’s final season before a big move to Houston. The Sun was the first team I followed and I am grateful for the Mohegan Tribe who believed in women’s basketball before it was trendy. I wish the WNBA had prioritized keeping a team in the Northeast for the fans but alas, this sunset season is the final chapter in such a vital part of the league’s history.

While I’m not sure if the Washington Mystics or the Seattle Storm will make themselves super known throughout the rest of 2026, these are teams that are developing for the long game. With players like Flau'jae Johnson and Dominique Malonga (WHO DUNKS!) on Seattle and Sonia Citron and Kiki Iriafen on Washington, these teams are at the beginning of their showcases.

One thing about the WNBA is this: it can all change in a millisecond so go ahead! Pick a team! Tune in! AND let me know when you fall in love.

The Last Temptation of Christ (1988) is a good look at being human

In October 1988, while cinema visitors sat in a screening of the new Martin Scorsese film, Catholic zealots set fire to the Saint-Michel theater in protest of The Last Temptation of Christ. I wasn’t born yet but I knew about the controversy of this film because of my late-mother’s distain for it.

Being raised as a young millennial in Oklahoma during the rise of modern Christianity in the United States, The Passion of the Christ (2004) was something you screened as a right of passage. The purpose? To fully understand the sacrifice of Jesus and what he gave up to save the world. The irony is that while the latter is subjected to more acceptance in certain religious circles, I personally feel like Scorsese conveyed the struggle of being both man and God in a much more accessible way.

This doesn’t mean the movie is without faults, the biggest one being the unnecessary retelling of the Gospels that happens during the first part of the movie. Anyone that has ever been to a single Sunday church service knows these early Jesus tales beat by beat. And while watching this version with a bunch of white American actors prancing around in sandals with their New York accents is charming at moments, there is very little new perspective happening, especially in the first quarter or so of the runtime.

Where the Last Temptation of Christ is interesting is when it flips the script and shows an alternative reality where Jesus Christ never allowed himself to be crucified. The film shows Jesus married, as a father, living a regular life with sinful urges and manly faults which is more powerful than just watching the physical violence of the crucifixion story.

Those who condemned the film thought of this reimagining of Jesus with a wife as blasphemous when in reality, Scorsese’s empathy is evident. To no one’s surprise, the filmmaker is very religious, even studying to become a priest at one point. While intention doesn’t always outweigh the actual audience reception, I truly believe that this film is actually one of incredible understanding.

Plus, let’s not forget these actors sounded like they were getting ready to talk the Yankees at their local deli while they wait for their bacon, egg, and cheese on a roll (spicy ketchup on the side). The Last Temptation of Christ is not meant to be realistic. The whole purpose of this cinematic exploration of Christ’s own human tendencies and for us, as an audience, to understand the sacrifice that occurred beyond just the violence of the crucifixion.

Is this one of my favorite Scorsese movies? Not in the traditional meaning of “favorite”. Do I respect the hell out of the sort of experimental alt religious reality that he dedicated himself to making, especially during the rise of that American Christianity that I was born into? Indeed.

An ode to Zendaya’s booked and busy schedule

There’s been whispers that some movie goers are getting sick of seeing Zendaya in everything? This sort of rumor is baffling because I cannot imagine a world where I would ever get sick of her popping up on my screen so I wrote this platonic love letter to her because I love seeing her everywhere.

Oh! Zendaya’s booked and busy schedule!
How honored I am to exist in the same time as you.
From her on screen appearances to the red carpet looks,
What have I done to witness such greatness?

In a time where so many untalented people are successful,
Your continual employment blesses me with the same warm feeling
That I feel when I see the sun glistening on the top of the ocean.
Thank you for your full commitment to every role!

Sometimes you’re a bride with a secret in a dark comedy,
Your wit is something to savor and admire.
Sometimes you are the embodiment of a goddess,
Athena has absolutely nothing on you!
Sometimes you are Spider-Man’s girlfriend,
And while I don’t care for Marvel movies I will watch these because of you.

You are talented and beautiful and funny.
You are evidence of goodness still existing in the film industry!
Oh, Zendaya’s booked and busy schedule!
May you get the flowers you deserve.

Thank you for reading Part One! Part Two will be published tomorrow, Friday, August 1, 2026.

Later, I went to film school at Hunter College and that dream only grew larger. I’d spent six years on my undergraduate degree, three years at community college in Florida and three years in New York. Most of that time I had a full time job and a part time job, all while being a full time student paying for my credits with scholarship money and the rest out of pocket.

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I thought that was the struggling part of being a filmmaker, the before times. There was a lack of credibility and experience and all the things that legitimize who you are as a filmmaker. Of course, all of that could be gained.

Write a badass script!

Get a fellowship or two!

Make a short film!

Then you can be a credible and experienced artist that is worthy of the title of ‘filmmaker’!

So, I worked to check these tasks off my to-do list.

Lesson learned

I still struggle to call myself a filmmaker even after writing, producing, and co-directing my first narrative short film, Julie Takes a Walk. Call it imposter syndrome or maybe the lack of being where I wanted to be by the time I was six months to turning 32 years old (today is my half birthday).

The entirety of last year was dedicated to getting this proof of concept romantic comedy short film completed. We crowdfunded the rest of our budget in February, finalized the cast in March, and completed the actual shoot in April. Being on set taught me more about the practicality of filmmaking than all my classes in film school.

Don’t get me wrong, I loved studying film.

I was that kid in your morning lecture that sat at the front and raised my hand any time the professor asked a question. I enjoy learning about the technological changes in the young medium and how that directly impacted the development of camera movement and overall the cinematic language that we have today. Basically: I AM A FILM NERD. I bleed popcorn and I pray to Agnès Varda before bed each night.

But managing your own set? A whole different set of muscles were needed that I just hadn’t been prepared for. This led me to learn lessons I had no idea existed as well as join the choir of everyone that’s every told everyone the things I had heard from those before me, including:

• Make sure to put aside more than you would think for post. It takes longer and will cost more than you think.

• Filmmaking is draining on so many levels and if you can picture yourself doing anything else, go do that instead.

• Don’t work with family.

The aftermath

Today has been more than ten months since our shoot and I am not back to 100%. Does this have something to do with me underestimating how tedious post-production would be DESPITE every other person who has ever made a film warning me that it would be so so so difficult to get through? YES!

It also is due to the pure fact that making even a small budget short that you created, developed, wrote, casted, etc. with so many moving parts is emotionally and creatively draining. While I sobbed literal tears of joy seeing my characters come to life on set, there was a moment where I realized how much of myself I had put into this story. That kind of vulnerability makes for great storytelling but it takes so much out of an individual.

This lack of creative energy to write (which is why this newsletter has been so empty) much less create a new fictional world with characters that are questioning their own existence is just impossible for me to focus on while I am still recovering. How can I empower characters when I myself am so unable to express where I am at in my own story?

Since my lack of creative energy is the ultimate writer’s dilemma, I brainstormed about what was cheap, easy to do, and wouldn’t take a ton of planning. That’s where I decided to get freaky. And by that I mean I bought a Sony camcorder on eBay.

Now, I carry this little camcorder with me pretty much everywhere I go (if I remember to charge it!).

The footage I capture is my new paint and some Weyes Blood songs I found via the Free Music Archive are my guide. I also have woven in some home videos from my own family as well as some archival news footage. These short experimental vignettes (or really whatever the hell they are) capture the complex emotional experience I am going through on a personal level. Where else should I post them? Who knows. Social media feels so stagnant and capitalistic these days but the internet still feels the best option when wanting to scream into the void. And what I’m screaming is an attempt to capture the present moment from my perspective.

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PARALLELS

Originally created for a David Lynch inspired art call, parallels is directly influenced by my second watch through Twin Peaks: The Return.

I was able to digest some of the greater themes in Lynch’s third television season much easier on this rewatch which led to me applying some of the same questions that are explored throughout all seasons of Twin Peaks to my own experience as a Native woman living in Oklahoma. How does Oklahoma’s own history seep into my everyday? Will it continue to seep into the generations that follow?

DISCO

I am very fortunate to have a loving and supportive group of friends here in Oklahoma. They mean the world to me. While we often have adventures in order to have a reason to live in these sad times, there was one weekend in January where we went to some gay bars in Oklahoma City that felt like a the type of movies I want to make. Thankfully, we had a bunch of footage from our day out so I attempted to recreate the feeling of the day.

GIRLHOOD

I’ve often been unable to capture my complicated feelings with my own childhood. When I write and perform stand up, I utilize a ton of dark irony to deal with some of my biggest traumas. Yes, I have had people walk out and yes sometimes they were crying. That’s exactly what you want at a comedy show!

My childhood was anything but pink and frilly yet I am still drawn to those elements. Is it a nostalgia for an imagined life that kid me never knew? And while I can’t go back in time and give little me the validation and patience I needed then, is it too late to give that to myself now? These questions are represented by the constant presence of a younger me. The moment that really captures that is the juxtaposition of Baby Shea over footage of me dancing at a gay bar.

The beginning

I had a basic knowledge of the Vietnam War going into this ten-part series, or so I thought. I mean, I’d seen tons of movies and my parents were kids during the era so they told me stories; isn’t that enough? The Vietnam War showed me how little I actually knew. Sure, I might have gotten the very basic facts but the details are what makes this entire situation mind blowing.

Immediately, I was captivated by the storytelling. The more insight I can got into the human mind in regards to this era, the more weirded out and astonished I become. That works in my favor as a character-driven writer who loves to think about every little aspect of a person’s psyche. The talking heads were from all different backgrounds, though the obvious bias was for the American veterans and their families.

While some viewers might say it is unbalanced filmmaking, I say it knows it knows its audience. The core demographic that PBS is trying to capture with this 17 AND A HALF HOUR (had to put it in all caps so the runtime could really be understood) war documentary is every single American history buff. Have y’all ever met an American history buff? THAT is who this film was made for. If that is something you can accept, than this documentary is easy viewing and perfect for your family movie night! Viewer discretion is advised.

Now, with my newly acquired perspective, I plan on revisiting some films from the 1960s and 1970s that explore this generational shift and ripple effect including:

• Rosemary’s Baby (1968)

• Taxi Driver (1975)

• The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974)

• Apocalypse Now (1979)

• Suspiria (1977)

• The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3 (1974)

• and more!

I also am compiling a list of non-American titles that can add to this study. Why? It feels particularly necessary in our current times to see how artists, filmmakers, writers, poets, activists, etc. responded to this cultural shift. There is a narrative now in 2026 that ‘art is political’. What does that mean? And how do we cope with the growing angst that is swallowing up our current world?

What I found interesting about the documentary

American involvement started in the 1950s.

Don’t blame me! I’ve been educated by the American system! And in America, wars don’t start until we get involved (at least according to what my textbooks said). Like, obviously the war started before the Americans were there! IT WASN’T AMERICA’S WAR!

I did a little research and learned that the first American casualty in Vietnam was Technical Sergeant Richard Bernard Fitzgibbon Jr. in 1956: the same year my dad was born. My dad has often reminded me that he had a draft card but the draft ended in 1973. This personal anecdote is a good reminder that Vietnam wasn’t ancient history.

And how did Technical Sergeant Richard Bernard Fitzgibbon Jr. die? He was murdered in Saigon by a fellow American solider.

Not only was the fight going on much longer than I realized, the historical narrative has been presented that the United States wasn’t involved officially until 1961. Okay, sure. Maybe there wasn’t as strong a military presence as the later parts of that decade and until the fall of Saigon in 1975. But even Eisenhower was present in decision making during the Geneva Accords in 1954. This is just more reason why America has a reputation for getting involved in everyone’s shit.

Americans generally approved of the war.

I’ll be honest, I had only thought about the anti-war movement. Maybe it’s because I first learned of this specific war from Forrest Gump. This documentary really breaks down how the fear of communism, as well as an unshaken trust in the government, led to many Americans supporting the Vietnam War.

In the documentary, Bill Zimmerman talks about his first anti-war protest at a Dow Chemical Company in 1965 being disappointing. “…only 40 people came.” Napalm is a petrochemical that was being used as a weapon in Vietnam and was manufactured by Dow Chemical.

The public opinion didn’t really shift in a significant way until the 1968 Tet Offensive when the brutality of the combat reached the American press. No longer could many sit around and be silent while this sort of violence continued.

Every American president knew a victory for the South wasn’t possible yet they still sent soldiers.

I find it tragic that because many soldiers were drafted meaning, many didn’t feel a loyalty to go fight on America’s behalf. The communities that were hit the hardest by the draft were Black, Native, immigrant, and poor. They were left with no options other than to go to war, complete the time, and return like nothing happened. Many didn’t return home.

As a 90s kid who remembers experiencing the culture shift of 9/11, I’ll admit that not having an underlying suspicion that your government is lying to you is hard to imagine. My experience as an American is informed by metaphorical wrinkles that originates with this majority national distrust and fallout of the Vietnam era.

Not only were folks seeing death counts on their televisions as they caught up on the news, there was also the unrest that was happening right outside their doors. The 1960s to the late 1970s was a mess on every front. Assassination after assassination, Watergate, the Manson Family murders, and more.

I kept trying to keep that perspective in mind as I watched this documentary. So many Americans, especially white men, still trusted their government. Politicians understood this and they purposely exploited this trust.

Okay…but what about the Vietnamese?

The thoughts I’ve outlined so far are very American centric. I am best versed in the dynamics of American history so that’s why so many of my own realizations have been more to correct narratives that were already in my brain.

War is not something I approve of. The pain inflicted on both the land and the civilians who end up being traumatized or murdered is something that is very difficult for me to witness. I believe that we owe it to victims to learn what they gave their life for as well.

As someone who hadn’t pushed through the basic talking points around Vietnam before I was amazed to learn more about the Vietnamese perspective. This documentary does feature veterans and civilians who supported both the North and South Vietnam. Their testimonies added a depth that is usually left out of any of the American retellings.

The only other way I’ve engaged with a Vietnamese perspective prior to this film is when HBO released an adaptation of The Sympathizer. This fictional story is based on a novel of the same name that follows a Communist spy in America after the fall of Saigon.

Now that I have a basic understanding of the historical events, I hope to engage with this information further. This brings me to my final point.

In my internet deep dive, I found that The Vietnam War has been received with mixed views. Some praise the centrism of the filmmakers to present information as unbiased as possible. I think that is a bit of a stretch. Like I stated at the very beginning: this series knows who its audience is. While there is evidence that suggests Burns and Novak did their due diligence to tell a rounded story, this is still a project that was funded by David H. Koch and Bank of America.

There’s also some who view this series as focusing too much on the American perspective and undermining the actual role the United States had in such a bloody war. I also think that is a legitimate complaint. The Vietnamese feel like a side role in a play where they are the titular character.

The Vietnam War by Ken Burns and Lynn Novick is a good jumping off point for learning more about this specific war and the everlasting ripple effects we still feel today. But to think that even a 17 and a half hour documentary is enough time to fully encapsulate something as monumental as the Vietnam War is silly. This docuseries is an introduction.

A special thanks to PBS who has been a great resource of mine since the 90s.

Professor Pinedo had warned us about two films on the syllabus that utilize extreme violence. “I recommend you don’t eat before coming to class,” she stated. The two films were Cannibal Holocaust (1980) and Inside (2007). This warning might have created an uncontrollable anxiety in some but I was intrigued.

Cannibal Holocaust didn’t freak me out the way I expected but Inside is a film I can’t stop thinking about. It is full of gore, jealousy, rage, and grief in a way that I had never seen before. And the best part? It is something I have realized I really love in a plot: woman on woman violence.

*The rest of this post contains spoilers and descriptions of extreme violence. Please proceed with caution.

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The film starts out in a hospital on Christmas Eve. Sarah (Alysson Paradis) has to return the next morning so they can induce labor on her very pregnant body. While some assume she is excited for this new venture into parenthood, she acts disgruntled because she is doing this alone: her husband died in a car accident just months prior.

It is important to note that while Sarah is obviously consumed by her grief, the film makes it a point to tell the viewer that this moment is not happening in a utopian setting. Reports of local riots and protests appear on the news. Sarah, a photographer, is assumed to work for a local paper. Her employer, Jean Pierre (François-Régis Marchasson) complains about his inability to get anyone decent to cover the local uprising that is happening.

These small elements are woven throughout the story to reinforce that while Sarah isn’t thinking of anything but her own pain, there is something much bigger going on that she is ignoring. The movie never gives exact details about the riots however, I can only assume there is a direct reference to real events, including those that occurred in 2005.

She appears

Sarah attempts to have a final silent night (get it?) when she returns home. She cuddles her cat, stares at pictures of her dead husband, and even attempts to knit. Her uneventful evening shifts when a knock comes at the door.

An unseen woman says her car broke down. She asks to come inside and use the telephone. Sarah, caught off guard, won’t allow the stranger in. The woman even says that she doesn’t want to stand around outside because of the violence, again, reinforcing that this story is happening in the midst of something else. When Sarah responds that she won’t allow anyone in because her husband has already gone to bed, the woman calls out her lie.

“Your husband’s dead, Sarah.”

Freaked out, Sarah calls the police who eventually stop by. By this point, The Woman had returned and eerily lit a cigarette outside the home’s sliding glass doors. Sarah used her camera flash to attempt to capture the stalker but was unsuccessful. She shows the images she captured to the police who are less than helpful. The three police, including one woman cop, assure Sarah there is nothing to worry about but that they’d have her house be a stop on the various rounds for the evening.

Woman on Woman violence

There’s no need to get into the details but I have never known a world where women can be trusted without caution. I know that women, even mothers, can be a beacon for rampage and chaos in ways a majority might underestimate. That’s probably why I find this movie weirdly comforting (don’t worry I’m in therapy for my mommy issues).

I find it ridiculously frustrating that when the police stop by Sarah’s home, they don’t see her concerns as legitimate. Two women? Is there is any real threat? Harassment at worse, am I right? Especially when the real violence is those pesky youths and their riots that are happening just down the road!

Sarah looks at photographs she took in the park earlier that day after her doctor’s appointment and sees what she thinks is The Woman lurking in the shadows. She calls her employer, Jean Pierre, and leaves a message about possibly enhancing the photographs of The Woman the cops were so uninterested in.

What is absolutely mind-boggling is that after all this, a very pregnant woman decides she is now comfortable enough AFTER SHE KNOWS A STRANGER IS STALKING HER AND EVEN CAME TO HER HOME MULTIPLE TIMES for her to take a sleeping pill and go to sleep.

And this is just the set up.

Sarah has no idea what the rest of the night holds and neither does the viewer. The Woman breaks in and a game of cat and mouse begins. The blood starts to flow, so much so the film had to be shot in chronological order for continuity. And every time the viewer might be like “No, they won’t go there…” the directors laugh and say “Oh, but we will.” Why? To enforce this idea that every single person who knew of The Woman’s appearance on this specific Christmas Eve completely underestimated the risk.

The Woman

The Woman (Sagittarius Queen Béatrice Dalle) has her own reasons for invoking such pain and suffering onto a pregnant woman the night before she becomes a mother. In a shocking reveal, The Woman was the other driver in the infamous car crash that killed Sarah’s husband. Due to her injuries, The Woman lost her pregnancy.

Both women are driven by their own loss. While Sarah’s damage manifests more as depression and numbness, The Woman becomes filled with rage and revenge. She is willing to do anything to take Sarah’s baby, even if that means cutting that baby out of Sarah’s stomach with a freaking pair of scissors.

During last night’s rewatch, I was reminded of that Bible story where two women come to King Solomon with a baby. Both insist they are the mother so King Solomon orders the child to be cut in half. The first woman is basically like, “Yeah, that makes sense! Thank you, King, for being so fair!” but the second woman is distraught and insists that the first woman can have the baby as long as the child could live.

Turns out: the whole cut the baby in half was King Solomon’s tricky way of deciding who has selfless love that only a mother can have.

But have you met mothers?

I’m not saying the child should have been sawed in two but this is such a male opinion to have preconceived ideas around women’s emotions, especially when it comes to motherhood.

Cops Again??

While this might seem like gibberish, I do think my theories really climax when a trio of local police stop by to check in on Sarah. By this point, Sarah is trapped in her bathroom while her blood as well as the blood of The Woman’s other victims are splattered all over the upstairs hallway. The doorbell rings and The Woman goes to answer.

At the door is two of the three policemen. They believe this stop will just take a moment before they return to the station to book Abdul, a young “perpetuator” (Aymen Saïdi) who they accuse of throwing a Molotov cocktail at the riots.

Of course, The Woman will not let anyone or anything stop her from getting what she wants: the baby. The final cop is sitting in the patrol car talking to his girlfriend while keeping an eye on Abdul. Suddenly, he hears gunshots! At a check-in for a pregnant woman? He rushes off the phone, insists Abdul be cuffed to his body, and the two go inside. What they find is bloody mayhem.

Abdul, rightfully horrified and frightened, insists that he should be let go but the cop refuses. This eventually leads to both of their deaths, showing that the only violence poor Abdul experienced was subjected by white women the cops never suspected to be the perpetuators of this sort of terror.

Conclusion

Ultimately, Inside (2007) is about who we expect to be behind intense and deadly acts of violence. Should political organizing due to centuries of unfair practices and colonization be policed (literally) more than stalkers? And who do we assume will plan and commit such brutal torture to get what they want?

Even without thinking of this underlying social commentary, Inside (2007) is a wonderful display of practical body horror. No matter how many times I watch this film, I will always applaud the special effects that make me queasy. But this year’s rewatch felt a little more topical. While we might point at international violence or the extreme terror that is happening and become numb because of our own pain and circumstances, maybe the most threatening forces are closer than we imagine.

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To no surprise, I planned my entire month around this specific Sunday because I was excited for the 50th anniversary special. In fact, I even invited friends over to watch all three and a half hours with me (four and a half if you include the red carpet).

Here are the five moments that stuck with me:

Kristen Wiig talking about ‘Butt Pregnancy’ on the red carpet

There is a sketch that originally aired in 2004 that I got really obsessed with. The premise? Amy Poehler shows up at a baby shower and she is not regular pregnant but she’s pregnant in her butt. Yes. That really aired on national television.

Anyway, last year this sketch became a special interest of mine that I actually wrote about in an earlier entry because I could not find a recording of it anywhere. It sense has been uploaded to Reddit and (of course) I have a version of it saved in multiple, secret places.

But a fun fact about Butt Pregnancy is that the JB Smoove written piece of SNL history that became the obsession of a 29 year old woman in Brooklyn is……..drumroll please……IT WAS KRISTEN WIIG’S FIRST SKETCH! And she talked about it briefly on the red carpet with Leslie Jones.

The Latino Trinity

I didn’t like the original Domingo sketch that aired earlier this season and took over the internet. It is fine and I get why some people enjoy it but it isn’t my sense of humor because I’m a buzzkill. And I really didn’t like when they revived it AGAIN because the internet loved it so much, again, because I’m a buzzkill. But PLOT TWIST: I DID like how they brought the concept back a THIRD TIME. Why? Because third times the charm, duh.

If you are one of those people who brags about not having Tiktok: the Domingo sketch is basically a bunch of bridesmaids who accidentally tattle on the bride for having a Latin lover named Domingo, portrayed by Marcelo Hernandez. You can catch up on more details here.

Why was the third rendition of this better? Glad you asked! Because they brought in Pedro Pascal and Bad Bunny as Ronaldo and Santiago aka Domingo’s brothers. That is the only reason this was good. I love those two men.

An Actually Funny Weekend Update

I promise I am a fan of this show despite the fact I am also sorta like a critical asshole. But as Colin Jost mentioned last night, him and Michael Che have been sitting at the Weekend Update desk for a record amount of time. It is time for a change. That and last night they didn’t focus only on politics.

Cecily Strong brought back the iconic but this time pregnant The Girl You Wish You Hadn't Started a Conversation With At a Party character and Bobby Monihan followed with Your Favorite Drunk Uncle. Both were at the top of their comedic timing game and I giggled quite a bit.

The rest of the segment was decent too but it went a little more meta and picked at SNL specific humor so I won’t divulge into that because, let’s be real, anyone that got those jokes were probably watching the special live.

Aubrey Plaza wore a tie dye shirt

On a more serious note, Aubrey Plaza made her first public appearance since her husband Jeff Baena died earlier this year. While her presence was only there to introduce Miley Cyrus and Brittany Howard’s beautiful duet, she subtly paid tribute to her late partner with a tie dye shirt that was under a black blazer.

The internet was buzzing after Aubrey’s brief moment on the special passed. And soon, the clip of her talking about getting married in tie dyed pajamas because her husband had gotten really into tie dying made the rounds. Just thinking of that sort of loss had me in tears. I hope you’re taking care of yourself, Aubrey. My heart goes out to you.

Garrett Morris introduces ‘Don’t Look Back in Anger’

The incredible Garrett Morris, an original cast member and the first Black man on Saturday Night Live, introduced an eerie film from 1978 called Don’t Look Back in Anger. The graveyard setting isn’t what makes this film a bit creepy. It is more the fact that John Belushi stands in the midst of a cemetery, supposedly gazing upon the gravestones of his fellow season one cast mates. As he looks around, he calls them by name and states their cause of death.

Obviously this concept wasn’t supposed to evoke a sad, somber, and almost spooky vibe that it does as a viewer in 2025. How was Belushi supposed to know of his untimely demise? And to have Garrett Morris (a guy who has one of those names that you just HAVE TO say both the first and last name every time, right?) front and center before airing Don’t Look Back in Anger was truly remarkable.

Gilda said goodnight

At the end of every episode, the entire cast comes out to say goodnight. And while the special’s cast was quite large, Jane Curtin and Laraine Newman held up their friend’s picture so she could be honored in Studio 8H once again.

Julie Takes a Walk is a 90s romantic comedy like Runaway Bride meets Desert Hearts and add in some elements from Bound and Fancy Dance. Can you picture it?

Here’s the synopsis:

Julie's life choices have been dictated by her large Italian American family. This all changes when she is told just moments before her own wedding that she is adopted. Confused and shocked, she runs away and follows the only clue she has to a small town on the other side of Oklahoma.

That's where Julie meets the stoic yet secretly sweet Cass, a Native bartender who would rather be reading or fixing up an old car than in any sort of social setting. They both can feel the instant chemistry which only furthers the identity crisis Julie is having.

Should Julie stick around and see this potential spark through or return to the family who has always made decisions for her?

Good stuff, right?

The background

For years I was like every other millennial: I thought I was the next Lena Dunham. While I do have an annoying social media presence, what I don’t have is well connected New York artist parents, a creative writing degree from Oberlin, or Judd Apatow’s personal number.

Basically: I threw away the multiple autofiction pilot scripts and brainstormed ways of how I could express the completely true feelings that major events in my life (being adopted, figuring out I was queer, and growing up with no knowledge of my Native culture!) have caused me to experience while never writing directly from my own trauma.

That’s how Julie Takes a Walk came to be.

While my baby (the script) was still in the preferred comedy television format (I WANT TO WRITE JOKES FOR TV!!! SOMEONE HIRE ME!!!), I submitted her to the Sundance Institute’s Native Lab. I was fortunate enough to spend the year as the the 2024 Artist in Residence.

Now, the bare bones version of this project will be shot as a proof of concept short this April (how is it already 2025!?) in Tulsa, Oklahoma.

I told you there was a television connection!

The ask

Me and my wonderful team are very excited to bring this story to life. We are currently hiring a production designer, casting our second lead, and about to start location scouting. IT IS REALLY HAPPENING!

There is three ways to support Julie Takes a Walk:

1. Donate! Making a film costs money. If you are able to donate, the Julie Takes a Walk team will be forever grateful. This short will be made on a skeleton crew on location in Tulsa, Oklahoma and we need funds to help pay for the lodging, equipment, food, costumes: the list goes on. No monetary amount is too small.

2. Share our Seed & Spark campaign. I completely understand if you are unable to contribute financially and there are other ways to support this project. Sharing our crowdfunding link is a great way to help the team reach our fiscal goal. Feel free to forward this email to anyone who might be interested in our project.

3. Follow us on Instagram. Another great way to support this project is to follow us on social media. That's where you can learn about the crew, keep up with the production, and eventually find out about future screenings! Social media gets a bad rep sometimes and I get it (my day job requires me to be constantly plugged in) but supporting artists online is the easiest way to help our art gain traction. Our Instagram handle is @julietakesawalk.

A big wado (thank you in Cherokee) for those of you who made it this far.

Julie Takes a Walk means so much to me. So often stories that feature queer or Native stories are sad or focus solely on the trauma but I wanted to create something authentic while also inspiring joy. And with the current state of the world, I think we all could use a little more joy.

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Rent (2005)

Movie musicals give off major holiday vibes which is probably why studios notoriously release them sometime around the Thanksgiving weekend so that audiences can spend the next six or so weeks singing along. Rent was the 2005 holiday season debut and was met with mixed reviews upon its release. Still, what’s more pessimistic than watching a bunch of struggling New York City residents who can’t afford to keep their heat on during the cold winter months so they sing about their hardship while their friends die from AIDS? Today 4 U, Tomorrow for me!!!!

Available to Rent (hehe, get it???)

Mad Men

One of my personal favorite television shows rightfully earns a place on this anti-holiday watchlist. Mad Men has some ICONIC holiday moments. And in general, a show based in vintage New York is exactly what I want to watch as I’m on my couch wrapped up in my coziest blanket with a cup of hot spearmint tea.

Here’s a short list of the episodes that directly mention Christmas:

S3, E13: Shut the Door. Have a Seat.

S4, E2: Christmas Comes but Once a Year

S5, E10: Christmas Waltz

S6, E1-2: The Doorway

In my opinion, now is a great time to start an entire rewatch of this series. Similarly to Don Draper, the main character, we as a society are going through some shifts and realizations. While very few of the people in my life have been a philandering ad man who refuses to get professional mental health help, we are collectively having to face the consequences of our actions as a country.

Available to stream on AMC+

The Haunting of Bly Manor

Nothing says Christmastime like ghosts. Don’t believe me? Look at the popularity of The Christmas Carol! A gothic setting just screams the holidays which is why The Haunting of Bly Manor is great alternative viewing this time of year. Loosely based on titles by the infamous ghost guy Henry James, this Mike Flanagan miniseries utilizes supernatural storytelling to example the human condition.

Ghosts are not just something physical but can also be memories that continue to haunt us, in ways we might not always enjoy. Gothic storytelling often utilizes a framing in which a narrator is sharing the experiences as a form of late night leisure after a meal or gathering, especially during Christmastime. While The Haunting of Bly Manor doesn’t explicitly set itself during this period, the vibe is perfect for some eerie holiday entertainment.

Available to stream on Netflix.

Inside (2007)

New French Extremity is a horror subgenre that is not for everyone. Fortunately, I love the mix of intense gore and social commentary that makes this type of cinema unique. Inside (known in French as À l'intérieur) features Sarah, a pregnant woman who is dreading the birth of her baby after the recent death of her husband. But circumstances change when all of a sudden, an intruder breaks into the house, insistent on taking something Sarah has.

I think it’s important to note that this movie was shot in chronological order because of the amount of blood that was used therefore, I will be a trigger warning and advise anyone that takes me up on this recommendation refrain from suing me if they are discontent with their choice to watch Inside.

Stream on Tubi with Ads or Rent

Station Eleven

This isn’t the first time I’m recommending Station Eleven and I’m sure it won’t be the last. Based on the novel of the same name by Emily St. John Mandel, this miniseries is an insightful deconstruction of human tenacity and the art that is born out of current events, even when everything around us feels doomed.

The first and ninth episodes happen on or around Christmastime but the entire season is meant to be watched as a complete narrative. I find Station Eleven to be comforting in a tough love kind of way because the story tackles end of eras, family, legacy, meaning of life, and so many more themes that are relevant to the winter holiday season.

Stream on Max

Last night I went to a final Halloween party. In the past I have been critical of Halloween parties that are thrown after the actual holiday has passed but now that I’m a 30 year old teenager, I understand not being into the weekday costume get-togethers.

Originally, my plan for this specific Saturday night had been like the others — do absolutely nothing until Saturday Night Live comes on. Over the last few years, I’ve prioritized watching SNL live for a few reasons:

1. Live television, and specifically live comedy television, used to be the norm. It was messy and real and unrefined in the best way. There’s something about the collective experience of being like “OH! I was watching that live!” Nowadays so much is prerecorded, meaning that there is a level of censorship that goes into a majority of today’s comedy which makes for less shocking and rather filtered television. Think of what we would have never known about if SNL was PRE-TAPED?? The ripping of the pope’s picture! The Butt Pregnancy sketch I am obsessed with! Adrian Brody in fake dreads!

2. While I have been critical of Saturday Night Live for many reasons, I have to admit that the dream of being hired to write on the show is still alive and well. C’MON! I’m a comedy writer for GOODNESS SAKES! Of course I still wanna work on SNL!

The background info you should know

I don’t care for John Mulaney. I know he’s popular and it isn’t because of all the drama around his interpersonal relationships. I think the main reason he is a source of irritation for me is because he has the opportunity to do those brilliant musical parodies that usually center the New York City experience. Why don’t I HAVE THAT OPPORTUNITY?? White men get everything in this world! It isn’t fair!

My inner Green-Eyed Monster revved up when I saw that Mulaney was yet again set to host SNL. But who cares about that guy when CHAPPELL ROAN IS ANNOUNCED AS THE MUSICAL GUEST?? Immediately I knew that was what the weekend would be planned around. Nothing else matters! Not the fact my house needs to be cleaned! Not the fact I am past deadline on an assignment! Not the fact I accidentally let my car insurance lapse and I should probably fix that! NOTHING!

Chappell Roan’s recent and quick rise to fame has felt hella personal as a queer woman. Shocker! I’m queer and married to a straight man! I CONTAIN MULTITUDES! It took me quite sometime to realize that I wasn’t straight and even longer to get over a majority of the imposter syndrome.

Growing up in a religious household meant being gay was a really bad thing. I didn’t realize my own queerness because the only versions of it I knew about was the stereotypes of the hyper feminine man who was funny and loud and the manly woman who wore cargo pants. The only reason gay people were gay was because they were deceived by Satan himself! So yeah, the nuance of queerness wasn’t something I had any opportunity to explore. If you wanna know more about this part of my lore, I wrote about it once over at my other newsletter.

That’s why Chappell Roan’s openness has been a roller coaster for me. I’ll admit, it’s difficult not to feel a little bitter that the sheltered queer kid that I was didn’t have someone like Chappell Roan to help her feel seen. Sure, there are other pop stars who have proceeded this femininomenon but her entire album, The Rise and Fall of a Midwest Princess, is LITERALLY about her figuring out her own identity and EMBRACING IT despite the amount of yearning and heartbreak she may experience! Her music is fun, raw, original, and speaks so deeply to me. And trust when I say that seeing her live at the beginning of October in Arkansas was the most religious experience I’ve ever felt.

November 2, 2024

I still stand by the idea that November is too late for a Halloween party. But there I was, dressed up as my husband while he was dressed up as me (because it was the fastest and easiest costume we could come up with), playing beer pong at 10:23 pm, just seven minutes until the new episode of Saturday Night Live.

Thankfully, I have Hulu Live on my phone meaning I was at a Halloween party, playing beer pong, dressed up as a dude, and watching SNL on my phone at a social event like a guy watches his favorite sports team just so I wouldn’t miss Chappell.

I didn’t care about the sketches, though it was kinda cool to see Kamala show up in the cold open with Maya Rudolph (who is one of my SNL faves). I don’t necessarily subscribe to being a Kamala fan put I also don’t really like any politicians and this is a television newsletter so I won’t go on that rant here. Still, it is part of the collective experience to see someone who is running for president show up on this live comedy television show.

The incredible host of the party I was at turned the music off and put SNL on in the background so that when I saw it was time for Chappell’s songs we could pause our game and head to the living room.

It made complete sense that her first song was ‘Pink Pony Club’ (a song I really could write an entire essay about how it feels so deeply personal to me and my mommy issues) and I was in love with the subtle nod to Bride of Frankenstein with her first look. But anyone that followed Chappell before last night knew that a cryptic Instagram post hinted that she would debut a new song with her second performance and IT HAPPENED.

An outfit change for not just Chappell but also her iconic band was visual evidence that the rumors she would release a song that was gay and Shania Twainesque were 110% true. The Giver has yet to be officially put on any music streaming platform but I cannot wait to put this bop on repeat.

Collective Experience, BABY!

I just went to Youtube to find The Giver to put here in this entry BUT IT IS NOT THERE! Thankfully, so many people used their smart phones to record the new Chappell song so it has yet to be scrubbed from the internet. I think my friend and fellow comedian Jenny Matthews explained specifically my thoughts and feelings:

@lejennymatthewsthe way people are filming their tvs for this !!! i have so many more thoughts but gahh genius #chappellroan #snl

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Final thoughts

Remember when I said above it’s difficult not to be bitter that I didn’t have someone like Chappell Roan? It’s true. I do feel sad that I and so many others have experienced so much pain and trauma because of the fear of queerness. But that doesn’t mean I also am not THRILLED that kids today won’t have to experience the queer confusion to the same level that previous generations did. There is room for all the emotions. Now, I just focus on healing my inner child and making sure that in every aspect of my being and abilities, I am creating a better world for the next generation and the one after that and the one after that and the one after that…

But also: CAN WE STOP HAVING JOHN MULANEY HOST SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE?

Please keep reading only if you are Lorne Michaels!

Okay Lorne, here’s my pitch for me to do the new musical parodies:

• I was a musical theatre nerd in high school and am still a pretty decent tap dancer

• I am the kind of cute and quirky and troubled in a way that millennial women are super drawn to (I mean, c’mon, I’m basically the American Fleabag)

Thank you for your consideration!!!! Here is a video of me doing a time step at the New York Transit Museum just so you know I’m not lying about the tap dancing.

@justsheavassarA simple time step on the different trains at the New York Transit Museum 🚊✨ if anyone has any questions on how to enjoy NYC on very little money, we have the answers FYI #newyork #newyorkcity #newyorktransitmuseum #tapdance #vintage #retro

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Best Ensemble Cast: The Sympathizer

The only nomination for The Sympathizer is Robert Downey Jr. which is a disappointment. Downey Jr’s performance as several different white characters is fantastic and is a brilliant example of flipping the script on who is on the receiving end of “they all look the same” but it is deeply ironic that not a single Asian actor in a stacked ensemble received recognition. Hoa Xuande thrives in the lead, bringing a certain vulnerability along with goofiness that makes the show worth watching. Vy Le as Lana is one of my favorite supporting roles in a long time. And of course, Sandra Oh is fascinating to watch in anything.

The Sympathizer is one of my favorite shows of the year and that is because of how great the entire cast is, which makes it the natural winner of Best Ensemble Cast.

Best Cat Performance: Max

I’ll admit: I was skeptical of a retelling of Mr. and Mrs. Smith. The new show created by Atlanta alums Donald Glover and Francesca Sloane is made for quirky millennials (like me!!) And while the two leads in Glover and the comedic queen Maya Erskine have so much on screen chemistry I could scream, the real star is Max the Cat. While his character might have the happiest ending, we know that the real Max is safe, sound, and bragging to all his feline friends that he was in the new Donald Glover show.

Most Unexpected Ending: The Curse

The Curse is an odd show. While I was on board for 64% of what was happening (especially when it came to the commentary on how white people exploit Native people on our own land…and how Native people exploit white people right back), the ending was out of this world LITERALLY. I won’t spoil anything since this is the award for the most unexpected ending therefore talking about it would take away from the surprise but let’s just say that when you combine the weirdness of Nathan Fielder and the Safdie brothers and add in Emma Stone’s eyes, you get something that television has never experienced before.

Gayest Category: Outstanding Supporting Actress In A Limited Or Anthology Series Or Movie 2024

As if this category isn’t already making history for being the first time Native performer was nominated for a performance Emmy AND the first time a trans actor was nominated for a performance Emmy (which, let’s be real: is not impressive in 2024 WHY DID IT NOT HAPPEN YEARS AGO????), this group is also pretty gay. While I don’t personally know the sexualities of all seven women, I do know that we have a couple representatives from the 2SLGBTQ+ community. This is rare and it shouldn’t be! Let gay performers PERFORM!

It also feels vital to shoutout the diversity of this category! How often do we see an award show’s performance nominees where the category isn’t overwhelmingingly white?? Of course, it feels worth mentioning that so often BIPOC actors are given supporting roles because we are still fighting for our chance to be leads in even our own stories. Still, I think this group of seven is a great reminder that while identity politics will not save us, it is badass to see women from different backgrounds, genres, sexualities, and more be up for the same award.

The 2024 Hate Watch: Saturday Night Live

Look: I love Saturday Night Live. I always have and always will. And I have several other newsletters that have addressed my love for this comedy legend of a show. But this season was ROUGH. Still, most Saturdays I waited up to watch whoever the guest was, crossing my fingers tight that there would be some good sketches. If you sift through the forgettable and the embarrassing, there was some true gems that came out of Season 49 like:

• Get That Boy Back ft. Chris Stapleton

• Please Don't Destroy - We Got Too High (ft. Travis Scott)

• Beavis and Butt-Head

• Weekend Update: Kristi Noem's Other Dog Defends His Owner

I had a Huge Fat Crush on: Naomi Watts

My eternal crush on Naomi Watts is flourishing. I loved watching her as Babe Paley on FX’s Feud despite the show being less than average, in my opinion. But then again: I love watching Naomi in anything. It all started with The Ring (2002) which is one of the movies I’ve watched the most. Then, I was introduced to Mulholland Dr (2000). Now, I try to watch anything and everything she is in which is DIFFICULT because she takes on a bunch of subpar films. Despite this, Naomi always gives 100 percent of herself, which makes me fall more and more in love with her. Granted, I did find the dark hair and socialite mannerisms she took on this season of Ryan Murphy’s show to be eerily reminiscent of my mother but we don’t have time to go into mommy issues at this time.

Check out my Naomi Watts Letterboxd list here. There are currently 27 of her films listed and that is only 32% of her filmography.

Final Shoutout: Jon Hamm’s Nipple Rings

When the trailer for the new season of Fargo debuted, the internet went crazy. There was a subtle nipple ring cameo that no one could ignore. Instead of writing about my own thoughts and feelings about this aesthetic choice for a character that is a far right crazy man, I recommend a few articles that dive into this artistic interpretation:

Read this, and this, and this.

Congrats to this year’s winners! So sorry to all the losers! Better luck in 2025!!!

Here’s my list of what to binge tonight while cuddled up on the couch with your black cat after getting a flash tattoo of a little spider or a creepy eye at your local tattoo parlor:

Friday the 13th: The Series

An obvious recommendation despite the show being ridiculously difficult to find online, Friday the 13th: The Series is three seasons of cursed antiques and has absolutely nothing to do with Jason Voorhees. Running for three seasons in the late 80s to 1990, this show pushed boundaries similarly to The X Files (which is not on this list because I can’t put it on EVERY list I publish though I highly recommend it for everyday). Creepy and supernatural elements appear in every storyline and the campiness from the era really add to the viewing experience.

While I haven’t been able to watch every episode due to the lack of streaming, Friday the 13th: The Series does frequently air on Comet TV. Read more about the series here.

The Series of Unfortunate Events

Based on the children’s books of the same name, Netflix’s The Series of Unfortunate Events is the unluckiest of shows to watch for Friday the 13th. This show follows the newly orphaned Baudelaire siblings who are placed in the care of an obscure distant relative whose only motivation in life is the children’s fortune.

I believe reading these books as a kid was my first introduction into both gothic and post modern literature and the on screen adaptation is no different. The tone is over the top and dark humored while tackling major human experiences, like parental loss and creepy adults. While the television series received great reviews for all three seasons, I am a bit more in favor of the 2004 film adaptation BUT THIS IS A TV NEWSLETTER SO that’s why I focused on the show version.

A Series of Unfortunate Events is streaming on Netflix.

Malcolm in the Middle

I love sitcoms and Malcolm in the Middle captures a specific embarrassment that is specific to being a kid in the 2000s. While the titular character might see his situation as the child prodigy in an overall average family as unlucky, his parent’s dedication to make sure he reaches his fullest potential creates for some hilarious situations. Mix in two older brothers that constantly mess up and a little brother that is often forgotten, this family is a constantly reflection of what middle class life in America can be like, flaws and all.

Malcolm in the Middle is streaming on Hulu and Disney Plus.

Hans Moleman Marathon

It comes to no surprise to anyone that knows me that Moleman is my favorite Simpson’s character. He is so random and sad and unlucky. That’s why a Hans Moleman Marathon is the perfect evening activity for Friday the 13th.

Personally, I am a big fan of “A Star is Burns” from Season 6 where we get the famous “I was saying Boo-urns” line. This is a crossover episode that features the fictional Jay Sherman from The Critic. Matt Groening, the creator of The Simpsons, was so critical of this particular episode that he actually pulled his name from the credits. Still, “A Star is Burns” has a cult following that keeps us coming back again and again.

Other episodes to include in this Moleman Marathon include “Duffless”, "The Simpsons Spin-Off Showcase", and "'Round Springfield".

The Simpsons is streaming so many places, including Hulu and Disney Plus.

Remember 2020? What a mess of a year! Towards the beginning of the pandemic, there was all the craze around the Netflix docuseries, Tiger King. Is it a decent series? Sure! There is eccentric characters, a possible attempted murder plot, tigers, gay marriages, and so much more. The first season was even nominated for six Emmys.

Because so many of us were stuck at home with not much else to do, Tiger King became an entertainment lifeline. The story gave direct access to a subculture not many of us knew anything about prior to viewing which was especially necessary with the collective trauma of the COVID-19 pandemic. 34.3 million people viewed some amount of season one’s seven episodes within the first ten days of its release. But I don’t give a hoot about Joe Exotic and Carole Baskin. We need to talk about Tonia Haddix.

The Dolly Parton of Chimps

Eric Goode, the director and producer behind Tiger King, has a new subject: the self-proclaimed Dolly Parton of Chimps. “While I was filming what became Tiger King, I came to learn about this subculture of women who keep primates. They call themselves ‘monkey moms,’” said Goode in an interview with The Hollywood Reporter. “So, I started digging in. Through them, eventually, we eventually got to Tonia. But that took two years.”

Tonia is the star of this docuseries. She is to Chimp Crazy what Joe Exotic is to Tiger King. She wears various Barbie pink outfits, bad lip filler, and has a complete and rotating roster of really bad wigs. What’s especially fascinating about Tonia is her lack of discretion. Should she admit on camera that she cares for the chimps more than her children? Or commit several felonies while a documentary crew is capturing her every move? Probably not. Thankfully, that makes for good television (especially when her son talks on camera about how he felt about his mom’s confession).

Tonka the Hollywood Star

The first episodes of Chimp Crazy are backstory, which makes sense if Goode and his crew (including a proxy director who helps conceal the fact the same people behind Tiger King are, in fact, the ones looking into ape-owning shenanigans) were filming for two years before they even got to Tonia. A surprising character in this complicated, real life story is Alan Cumming. Yes, the bisexual Scottish actor known for such roles as Fegan Floop in the Spy Kids movies.

Cumming starred with Tonka, an ape actor who was in several movies in the late 1990s, in a film called Buddy (1997). The two shared a special bond while on set and later, Cumming was told that Tonka retired to an ape sanctuary. Instead, the chimp spent nearly two decades at Missouri Primate Foundation in Festus, Missouri.

What’s incredible is Missouri Primate Foundation is where Goode’s documentary crew were spending most of their time. Originally, they believed the best story would develop around Connie Casey, a notorious chimp breeder who earned a name in the St. Louis area through renting apes out for birthday parties.

As concern around Tonka and the other chimp’s safety grew, so did the potential for a lawsuit with the one and only PETA. Casey, who has been adamant about her distaste for being in the public eye, transferred ownership of everything to someone with a little less concern about what goes on the record. That’s right, Connie Casey signed her monkeys over to Tonia Haddix.

The real kicker

Long story short: lawsuit happens, Tonia loses, PETA has transporters come to take the chimps, they realize one is missing, Tonia explains that Tonka died, PETA doesn’t buy it, Tonia goes to great lengths to convince PETA that he did die, BIG REVEAL: Tonia still has him.

My quick summary of this whole fiasco isn’t a spoiler because seeing everything unfold is part of the magic. I recommend watching the entire docuseries because my one sentence doesn’t encapsulate the insanity that is Chimp Crazy. But the reason I feel the need to talk about the stuff the first three episodes is because the real dilemma emerged in the third episode that makes me anxious for the upcoming fourth and final entry.

Basically, Tonia admits to the proxy director that she has an appointment scheduled to have Tonka put down. This new information leads the production into an ethical gray area they aren’t super sure what to do in. They find themselves asking,

“Since we are here attempting to capture what is happening with as little interference as possible, what is our duty when death is on the table?”

Maybe that question translates a little less philosophical in the minds of those in the actual situation (and more like “HOLY SHIT! WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO???”), but it really is a very meta moment. While a majority of documentaries unfold with the audience forgetting about the cameras, Chimp Crazy forces its viewers to be aware of this double consciousness.

Where does the ethical gray area start and end?

Who knew writing about a new documentary would lead to me writing about this odd experience I had in film school?

It was 2019. I was in my last semester as a full time student at Hunter College. Being a film major was so fun. In fact, that specific semester I was taking an independent study course where I studied John Ford’s representation of family in such films as Young Mr. Lincoln (1939) and The Grapes of Wrath (1940).

I was also taking a course called ‘Images of Resistance’, which according to the Hunter Course Catalog: “focuses on challenges by developing world films and filmmakers to Western media stereotypes.” I will not share the professor’s name because I am not going to paint her in a good light.

On the first day of class, we watched one of Jean Rouch’s ethnographic films (I forgot which one) and the next class we discussed the contents. Already, I wasn’t a big fan of the instructor. She made odd comments about Indigenous people yet claimed her great-great grandmother had been Australian aboriginal. Anytime I would ask questions (granted they might have been a little smart-assy because I have an undeniable need to question authority who act like they have the final say on things like colonization), she would roll her eyes and act as if I just was a little mosquito pestering her. I dreaded going. I didn’t want to spend six hours a week with a white savior of a film professor.

Eventually, I even emailed the department dean.

“…It just seems that REDACTED has no issue explaining her thoughts, feelings, and ideas regarding aspects of colonization but is unwilling to listen to other’s own experiences. Again, this makes for a horribly uncomfortable class and I am struggling to get through it every week.”

That only escalated the situation.

Evidence of that happened during the final class. It was the last day before the holiday break and we were not told until we were already there that the structure of the final would mean us being stuck at school for four hours. With this being an afternoon class, that meant I wouldn’t get home until 9 pm at the earliest. I rolled my eyes. The professor took notice and asked if I had an issue. That was the wrong thing to ask. I went off. Everything I had been attempting to be professional about came out of my mouth without a filter. And the same thing happened to her. She accused me of being the reason she wasn’t being asked back to teach. In. Front. Of. The. Whole. Class.

As she yelled at me, I packed up my things. “Where are you going? Sit down!” I remember her saying. In response, I looked at her and straight up said, “I’d rather fail this course than be in here one more second.”

The good news was our problems were documented. That email I had sent earlier in the semester was my saving grace. The professor was required to give me an alternate final at the beginning of the spring semester and I finished the class with a B.

Back to the monkeys

How does my experience connect to Chimp Crazy? It does in a very thin way. While I am a major consumer of documentaries, I also acknowledge there is no clear cut line for ethical rights and wrongs on all levels. That was something my ‘Images of Resistance’ class really awakened in me.

There is an unequal power balance when it comes to non-fiction filmmaking. The people behind the camera have control of what is captured, cut, and eventually shown to audiences. They control the narrative and while some documentarians believe there is a more equal ground when a more cinema vérité approach is utilized, others believe that just following the story, which can sometimes lead to the breaking of the fourth wall, gives a more authentic approach. Despite trying to be as ethically pure as possible, the camera’s presence will always be something that cannot be completely taken out of account. There is an element of the capturer versus the captive that cannot fully be removed from documentary.

That leads to so many more conundrums. Is anyone acting authentically when a camera is around? And what if the subjects aren’t? Are they liable for consequence of their actions under these pretenses? Are the filmmakers co-conspirators in these crimes? And specifically when it comes to Chimp Crazy: where does the line exist when a subject is not only confessing to crimes but is committing them?

Not a hater!!!

I promise I’m not a hater. I just love dissecting the idea of ethics because I grew up in a strict Christian household where the concepts of right and wrong were very definite. It wasn’t until I started pushing back on these definitions that I realized there is no clear answer to what is good and bad: it all depends on who you ask.

In a paragraph above I said,

“This new information leads the production into an ethical gray area they aren’t super sure what to do in.”

The production had been in a gray area from the beginning of the first episode. The proxy director is in place so that Connie Casey doesn’t know she’s letting in the guy who made Tiger King, cameras are put in just to capture PETA’s transfer of the apes, and heck! They even see Tonia feed multiple primates McDonald’s Happy Meals. Now, I know I’m not a zoologist but I don’t think they’re supposed to eat McNuggets.

It’s understandable the crew is at a crossroads at the end of episode three because of Tonka’s potential death. But is death where the ethically gray area began? No. But that’s what makes this docuseries fascinating.

In conclusion

If you got this far in my convoluted thoughts about Chimp Crazy: thank you. And here is the ultimate question that has no freaking answer:

If there’s no ethical consumption under capitalism, can ethical filmmaking exist?

My honest answer is no but I do believe we can attempt to find the balance between capturing truth, creating art, and telling a damn good story.

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Reading this book allowed me to revisit my own complicated feelings around my queer identity. I officially came out as bisexual in 2016 and no one was surprised. My childhood was all about rough-housing with the boys that lived in my neighborhood and proudly proclaiming to anyone that would listen that I was a ‘tomboy’.

In Rainbow Age, Shayna dives into queer subtext and how so many of us grew up loving coded characters. I immediately remembered how much I loved Spinelli from the animated classic Recess. Because I grew up in a strict Christian upbringing, I didn’t really know that something like bisexuality could exist. Either you were a woman that liked other women which meant you wore cargo shorts and sandals and had a short haircut OR you were a man who liked men which meant you were more feminine. There was no room for me to explore nuance or anything remotely related to bisexuality.

Degrassi was my first introduction to teenage sexuality beyond girls like boys and boys like girls. And later, I remember feeling a little too drawn to the queer storylines in Pretty Little Liars. To any republicans reading this, I’m sure you’re ready to screenshot and submit my own words to Fox News as evidence that tv and movies are making the kids gay. But on screen representation didn’t make me gay: it helped me realize who I am.

ALL THAT TO SAY

My apologies for not sharing this event here sooner for my fellow television fans. But! If you happen to be in New York tonight and want to come to this super cool event, please do! The conversation will be fun and vulnerable and personal and all about gay television. I’m honored to be a little part of this process.

Here’s the link to the tickets: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/shayna-maci-warner-presents-the-rainbow-age-of-television-ft-shea-vassar-tickets-956494539917

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Yes, I have officially returned to the place I was born: Oklahoma. Ironically, this move was not for myself. While I have friends and family in the area, this move was because my incredibly smart husband got a job which puts his newly earned PhD to use.

New York in TV Memories

After eight years, two months, and 14 days in New York City, I left. Since this whole publication is about television, I want to reminisce on some tv-related memories I had in that time:

• New York is where I watched some of my favorite television shows for the first time. I moved to Manhattan at 21 in 2016 and if you remember, this was when streaming was in a great place (RIP Seeso). That means shows like Stranger Things and Fleabag were in the conversation. But I’m talking more about the shows I finally had access to like Sex in the City, The Sopranos, Twin Peaks, and The X-Files. Not to get too sentimental but I have to be honest: New York was where I fell in love with television because it was where I learned about just how expansive the medium is.

• In 2017, I sat front row at the Master of None, Season 2 premiere. It was my first premiere and I remember eating popcorn and drinking a Sprite.

• My favorite class while at Hunter College was Television Culture with Isabel Pinedo. I believe I took this Fall 2019 and by this time, I was a full believer that television is just as important medium as film (throwback to the whole discussion around Twin Peaks: The Return).

• We all had a lockdown show, right? My most memorable binge during the 2020 quarantine was all the seasons of Dance Moms.

• Throwback to when I was a journalist!!! Those were fun times. I’ve covered a few television shows in the past (including my favorite aka talking about The Sopranos on NPR’s Pop Culture Happy Hour) but the coolest thing I during that short lived career was moderate the Q&A at the Tribeca Film Festival premiere of Reservation Dogs.

• Never forget that I was working on a television show when I got married! I was an art department assistant on a show no one watched called Hello Tomorrow.

• Fall 2021 included a little drive to New Jersey to see some of the shooting locations from The Sopranos. Now that I’m dairy free (sad face) I can only think about how beautiful and tasty the ice cream is from Holstein’s.

  

• Of course, I wrote a whole thing on my attempt to get into SNL when Ramy Youssef hosted this past spring.

• Finally, on one of our last days in the city, Anthony and I went on a tour of 30 Rock. Cheesy!!!!! GROSS!!!! But as someone who grew up dreaming of working there, I figured I might as well do heal that inner child somehow. Yes, I cried.

I’m sure there’s others I’m missing so maybe I’ll include others in a later post.

What I’ve been watching

The movers took our things on July 28. We didn’t get them at our new house in Oklahoma until August 20. The worst part about that is I’ve missed a bunch of tv. Sure, I could have watched the season finale of The House of the Dragon on my laptop but that is just blasphemy! And then I performed in my first comedy festival on the 22 and then my 30th birthday was the 24 so I have YET to finish Season 2.

So what HAVE I watched?

• Anthony and I did rewatch the first season of Master of None on a laptop screen. While this show has sorta been forgotten, it really was the first of its kind which then became the mold for other television shows that came after. Master of None is also a super fun time capsule of a New York that existed when I moved there. Cabs were more popular than Ubers, the fashion was pretty terrible, and the mainstream conversation around identity was still new.

• Now, I’m completely hooked on the new HBO docuseries Chimp Crazy. After my birthday weekend shenanigans, I got home and wanted something mindless to unwind to. Chimp Crazy was not that but now I can’t wait for the next episode to drop this Sunday night. Basically: it is a look into the world of humans having chimpanzees as pets by the same people who did Tiger King.

  

• Who else got super into Love Island USA this season? The reunion aired last week and overall, it was a little lackluster. They easily could have done a second hour to ask more questions and actually talk to all the Islanders that were present!

My To-Watch List

• the season finale of The House of the Dragon

• whatever is left of the latest season of Hacks

• Palm Royale

• Ripley

• my annual rewatch of Bojack Horseman

Should I be serious and brag about my accomplishments? Or am I supposed to be quirky and cute and show my personality? NO ONE KNOWS!

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What’s your big three?

While most people know what their sun sign, a big question I’ve heard as a queer Brooklyn resident is “what’s your big three?”

Every planet was in one of the twelve astrological signs when you were born. And while each of these placements plays into your life, the big three are super important and give a quick overview into a person. The big three is made up of:

1. Sun Sign

   According to my favorite astrologer, Chani Nicolas: the sun signifies your life’s purpose and how you shine. I like to think of it as the placement that informs everything else.

2. Moon Sign

   Again, according to Chani: the moon represents your physical and emotional needs and how we live out our purpose in the physical realm.

3. Rising Sign

   My girl Chani says: your rising, also known as your ascendant, shows your motivation for living and direction your life is steered in.

There is a great podcast episode where Chani literally breaks down the big three much deeper if you want to listen.

My astrological big three is:

What does this have to do with tv?

Because I took this model and created my own big three but with television shows. So, my tv big three is:

Basically, I took what each of these placements stand for and picked a comedy series (duh, I am a comedian) that I think represents that aspect of me, myself, and I.

The Good Place sun

I love sitcoms. I once wrote in my childhood diary that my favorite television show was Hope & Faith and remember watching The Office as it aired. But The Good Place is just so special. The acting, the story, the constant jokes, the existentialism: it is everything I love in a single 22 minute episode. While I could do an entire write up on how the series final arc is SUPER messy, overall: it is a forking good show.

I chose this particular series as my sun sign because it is bright and cheery while also ridiculously dark. IT IS A SHOW ABOUT DEATH! ABOUT BEING A BAD PERSON! ABOUT SYSTEMATIC FAILURE! It is creative, witty, and unique and all the characters are all weird or quirky in their own way, yet ridiculously lovable. These are all qualities I like to think I embody. And while I already mentioned I didn’t love the final arc, I also am no genius when it comes to finales. All of the pilot scripts I write start out strong but HOW DO I END IT? It is my eternal struggle as a writer.

Bojack Horseman Moon

One time I told a fellow comedian I was rewatching Bojack for the third time. “Third time?” They replied. “You may be the most mentally ill person I’ve ever met.”

While they were probably making a joke, anyone that has watched Bojack Horseman is aware of just how deep and tragic this animated talking horse show can get despite being one of the best comedy shows ever written. I SAID WHAT I SAID!

While The Good Place and Bojack Horseman both deal with some similar topics (i.e. generational trauma, are we responsible for how we end up if life/our parents have been absolute shit), the latter is much more destructive. My theory is that because the entirety of Bojack happens on Earth, there is less hope. Each character has to reckon with their humanness in a way that really examines the stakes of being alive.

Each character goes on a journey I really resonate with. It hits so many ups and downs that are similar to the emotional hurdles I’ve somehow survived in my almost-30 years of life. I’ve had really high highs and really low lows. I’ve had to examine my own trauma and realize I am responsible for my healing. But of course I have done all of this hard ass work while making some of the most sarcastic jokes along the way.

The Mary Tyler Moore Show rising

Remember when I said I love sitcoms? The Mary Tyler Moore Show is the original sitcom, especially for the working woman. It doesn’t hurt that Mary Tyler Moore is an icon and CAN WE TALK ABOUT HER FASHION? Incredible looks that really just show off how bad office wear has gotten, especially for the ladies.

Rising placements inform your motivation for life but also, this is usually the placement that creates the version of yourself you show to people before they know you on a deeper level. As a very dedicated and passionate writer, there is something special about this revolutionary sitcom that humanized women in a way never done on television before. But the show never pushed an agenda on anyone: it just put the pure fact that women are capable and are more than just someone’s wife on display. That’s what I try to do with Howdy Cat, the name I produce live comedy shows under. And often when I host the shows I put together, I attempt to wear something late 1960s-early 1970s as an homage to my role model.

ALL THAT TO ASK: what is your tv big three?

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8 am - alarm goes off, I grumble, hit snooze, roll back into my sheets

8:07 - my cat, Orpheus, starts getting in my ear and meowing as loud as possible because he is super routine oriented and hates when I stay in bed

8:10 - I’m up and Orpheus leads me to the kitchen where I start the coffee pot, which my beautiful and wonderful husband prepares the night prior so we can be little moody gremlins in the morning

8:11 - bathroom time: I pee, brush my teeth, examine my face for new breakouts, etc.

8:20 - drink my first cup of water. I have found that the secret to staying hydrated is to guzzle down as much H2O before you sip that sweet, wonderful coffee

8:23 - turn on the newest episode of Love Island UNLESS the only thing they released is those stupid Unseen Bits or whatever. Who cares! Just update me on the good stuff!

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For those of you curious, yes, I have a job. I am blessed with a full time position that is completely remote. Putting reality television on in the background is how I, as an extrovert, cope with the lack of co-worker presence. Snooki and Jwoww, the whole crew from Vanderpump Rules: I like to think of these personalities as my co-workers. The background noise also helps my undiagnosed ADHD.

“I got a text!”

I first discovered Love Island during the lockdown of 2020. The fact that the show is filmed, edited, and aired while the participants looking for love are still in the villa fascinated me. It was like a real life sociological experiment!

For those of you who have yet to discover this show, or who are not into that sort of entertainment: let me break down how it works. Single guys and gals who are looking for love leave for the entire summer to live in a huge ass mansion off a random coast of the world. They explore connections, participate in challenges, and have to be coupled up in order to stay in The Villa. Oh, I should mention that this started as a UK-based phenomena so the first season I watched was with subtitles in order to understand the accents.

Similar to other dating competition shows, the Islanders have no contact to the outside world. What’s happening in The Villa is all they’re allowed to focus on. That means that their days are spent lounging by the pool, sunbathing, and getting to know other sexy singles. Not too shabby, huh?

But some past participants have opened up about the rules and how they’re restricting and oppressive. No books or magazines are allowed and they are forced to wear these tacky microphones that include a belt around their waist at all times. Islanders are required to look a 10/10 all the time, which means full face of makeup for sitting by the pool in the and smallest swimsuits every known to mankind by day and some smokin’ hot little fits by night. Supposedly, they are required to maintain their hair, nails, and laundry on their days off so they are camera ready for the other six days of the week.

Each Islander has a phone that is only for taking pictures (who could keep reality tv personalities from selfieing?) and for communication with each other and The Powers That Be aka the producers. The chime that is notorious to anyone that’s watched even one single episode is usually met with a loud “I got a text!” from whoever’s phone the message is sent to. The many twists and turns of this summertime fave is strategically masterminded by whoever is behind the scenes to create as much drama as possible.

The Love Island lore

Like I said, my first experience with Love Island was when I was stuck in my Brooklyn apartment. I had so much time that I went back to Season 1 from 2015. As Reddit user First_West_4227 stated on a thread I found from 3 years ago, the first two years of Love Island is “practically soft porn”. On top of that, the Islanders are allowed to smoke ciggies by the pool which really ups the trash factor I personally look for in reality television. Now, there is a designated smoke area and no sort of vape or cigarette is allowed on camera. There has also been reports from past Islanders that alcohol is portioned out, meaning that the drama that makes it to the viewer is pure, non-drunkenly fueled madness.

While the show’s popularity has only led to further success, with multiple countries including the US now hosting their own versions, there is a side of this romantic competition that has me wondering: is Love Island, or really any reality dating show, ethical?

Sure, the Islanders are made up of consenting adults but this entire process is a bit like The Truman Show. They know they’re being filmed and that millions of people are watching them fall in and out of love but there is unknown factors that they can’t account for until they are already there. One of the instances I DESPISE is when they reveal body counts, usually through some sort of game or challenge. The boys get so mean about the number of partners a girl has slept with for it to be revealed just moments later he’s been with triple the amount. It is unfortunate such a double standard still exists. BUT ALSO! WHY ARE THEY REVEALING BODY COUNTS? That is such an odd practice. There’s also a lack of diversity in the Islanders along with racist microagressions that make it to the episodes, meaning that the behind the scenes culture can only be assumed to be much more racist.

There’s no surprise that a bunch of influencer-types who were stuck in the villa make Youtube confessionals and participate in social media Q&As where they expose the nitty gritty. Honestly, I support this especially when it comes to the lack of preliminary mental health resources the Islanders receive. The experience of being locked away and intensely controlled is something I know a bit about, due to my 22 months inside a troubled teen industry program as a teenager. I know these can’t be completely compared however, Love Island has led to suicides of three people, meaning the producers are not innocent creatives just creating light, summer fare. They are responsible for those deaths.

So, why do I keep watching?

I ask myself this every time I look into the dark side of reality television in general. If I’m being honest, I don’t have an answer. I think there is a bit of a catharsis I feel when I watch a group of attractive people choose to be locked up, similarly to how I was. Obviously my experience did not include getting dolled up to sit around a pool in my sexiest bikini but the only other television representation I have are traumatic documentaries like The Program or Orange is the New Black (which I know is about women in prison but it is very relatable to what I went through).

Plus, why does anyone keep watching tv? If you want to get real, no show is produced in a completely ethical bubble. Talk to any production assistant from your favorite show and I’m sure they have a couple complaints about pay, hierarchy, and lack of appreciation.

Ironically, the major interest in reality television came from workers within the entertainment industry demanding more ethical workplaces. COPS, which is currently in its 36th season, was developed during the Writers Guild Strike of 1988. And the major boom in the early 2000s was a direct symptom of the writers strike of 2007. Ultimately, there is no ethical consumption under capitalism and this may be the last season I tune into.

Good morning, and in case I don’t see you, good afternoon, good evening, and good night!

Not everything that appears sunny and bright while wearing a teeny little swimsuit is as innocent as it seems but Love Island is going away. I wouldn’t be surprised if in 20 or so years we cringe thinking about how we used to support a toxic show like this. For now, I appreciate the company as I write emails from my couch and I pray to God that the current Islanders aren’t faced with the same bullshit that ones of the past have been dealt.

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Random observations:

• They don’t take the subway. It is so odd to watch a show about New York and not see a single turnstile.

• Steve is the best straight male love interest in the entire series. Miranda and him should have married back in season two (though the subplot in the final season where she briefly dates a Knicks trainer is super hot).

• Big is so toxic from the beginning and honestly, the fact that he comes back so often is annoying. And the fact that he made it into the spin off, too? Even after leaving Carrie at the altar? Insanity.

• Samantha randomly dating a woman was great but I wish they had added at least another lady lover in a later season?

• Ok, if I could have any New York apartment I want Carrie’s. It is so beautiful and I want that window to write in.

• I love seeing mid-30s/early 40 year old women look like mid-30s/early 40 year old women. Immediately upon rewatch, I noticed how they all had fine lines. Those faces had definitely never seen an iPhone.

• Am I the only one that sometimes calls it Sex in the City?

Carrie: The Romance Addict

The ringleader of the quad is Carrie Bradshaw. Her birthday is October 10, making her a Libra. Anyone that knows a thing about astrology can list her Libra tendencies without a second thought: her want for a passionate romance, her deep concern for all things fashion, and the constant attempt to find the middle ground through all her column entries.

I personally find Carrie to be the character of SATC that is least likely to be someone I would want to hang out with. She’s self involved which makes her a terrible friend and honestly, I don’t know how the other three have put up with her for so many years. But that’s what makes her a great main character: she’s annoying.

Carrie is like a car crash I can’t look away from. She is like the girl from high school I couldn’t stand as a teenager but also check on via social media every few months to see what she’s up to. She is insufferable yet makes such messy choices you need to know what happens next. And she completes all these insane actions while wearing some of the most eclectic statement pieces that have ever been designed. My personal favorite is when she wears a belt on her belly that makes no functional or aesthetic sense.

Miranda: The Type A Friend

Harvard Law grad and evident overachiever, Miranda Hobbes shouldn’t have had to wait until the spin off And Just Like That to explore her sexuality. Since Season One, Miranda is very queer-coded (and no, I’m not just talking about her short hair!). Honestly, I expect Miranda to have a prominent Capricorn placement but supposedly her birthday is July 27, making her sun sign a Leo.

Miranda isn’t the only one that goes on a journey throughout the original series: so does her hair. Cynthia Nixon, who portrayed this character before she ever even thought about running to be the mayor of New York, is a natural blonde. So, why did Miranda have red hair? No clue. I guess that was the type of diversity female audiences longed to see in the late 90s to early 2000s.

Samantha: The Spicy One

And Just Like That is not a great television show for many reasons but the biggest issue is the lack of Samantha Jones. She is the character that acts like a man by engaging in adventurous sex and holding power in social circles due to her job as a public relations professional. She is witty, confident, and has the most style of the four friends.

One of my favorite moments in the entire show is when Samantha has herself photographed nude — for no particular reason, just a good ole naked photoshoot. The episode ends with Samantha getting food delivered. As she walks to her door, the portrait of her bare butt with a cheeky side boob is framed and hanging on the wall. When the less than average delivery guy compliments this piece of art, Ms. Jones makes sure to give the man a little extra cash. Imagine having this sort of unhinged support of self? I absolutely love it.

Charlotte: The WASP

Charlotte’s reputation for awhile was that she was the prude of the bunch. But on this rewatch I realized that while a little uptight, Charlotte actually has a ton of self respect. Sure, she makes some bad decisions. Marrying a complete mommy’s boy like Trey was not great, even if Kyle Maclachlan’s performance is so incredible, but she ultimately got the happy marriage she always wanted. Charlotte is always clear about who she is and what she believes.

They really do Charlotte dirty in And Just Like That. There’s one episode where a big snowstorm hits the city. Charlotte’s high school-aged daughter decides that’s the day she wants to lose her virginity. BUT SHE DOESN’T HAVE CONDOMS! So, she calls her mom and Charlotte drudges around in the snow to try to find contraception. No self respecting woman would do that! Just tell your daughter to come home!

Are you a Carrie, Miranda, Samantha, or Charlotte?

SO! After this current rewatch, I decided this is my makeup via the SATC Four:

37% Carrie, 37% Charlotte, 14% Miranda, 12% Samantha.

And just like that…this newsletter is over.

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I’ve always been obsessed with television. In the mid-2000s, I liked to catch What I Like About You or Gilmore Girls on the WB when I got home from school. Friday night was TGIF on ABC where I was stoked to catch the latest episode of Hope and Faith. Saturday was for whatever classic film was programmed on The OETA Movie Club, aka the local PBS affiliate’s equivalent of Turner Classic Movies.

After the technicolor musical or black and white melodrama was finished, I went to bed. But if I was lucky, I would wake up as my dad was turning on Saturday Night Live. Tacitly, I would crawl into my dad’s chair and cuddle him. The strategy in my 11 year old brain was that if I acted like I WASN’T paying attention, he would let me sit through the stuff I knew was not age appropriate. That’s how I remember a certain sketch from 2005 that I can’t find anywhere.

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November 12, 2005

My Name is Earl was kinda a big deal in the Vassar household so it is no surprise my dad tuned in to a certain SNL episode with Jason Lee as host and the Foo Fighters as the musical guest.

Fun fact: this episode was the debut of a certain incredibly talented funny woman, Kristen Wiig!

But what I specifically remember from this episode is a sketch where Jason Lee and Amy Poehler play a couple who are attending their baby shower. The only issue? This is not a normal pregnancy as Amy is pregnant in her butt.

The anal sex jokes went right over my head. In 2005, I didn’t even know how regular sex worked! My assumption was that birth control pills were to help someone GET pregnant (I even thought you took a boy pill for a boy, a girl pill for a girl). Yay Oklahoma sex education! My kid self just thought it was sooooooooo funny that she was going to have to poop out a baby.

Flash forward

This sketch is no where to be found yet there is tons of evidence online that proves this memory is correct. Even on Peacock, the official streamer of all things NBC, lists Butt Pregnancy as one of the sketches on Season 31, Episode 5!

However, PEACOCK IS GASLIGHTING US! I watched the entire episode and there was NO BUTT PREGNANCY.

In 2012, Vulture published a piece called 10 ‘SNL’ Sketches Cut From the Reruns with Butt Pregnancy being number ten. This article was an important find in my research because it addresses the fact that this specific sketch was, in fact, replaced in reruns.

“When the show rebroadcast that summer, Butt Pregnancy was missing, and in its place was a dress rehearsal sketch with office workers singing about their cafeteria’s dessert selection.”

PLOT TWIST: The dessert sketch from dress rehearsal is known as I Love Pie and I CANNOT FOR THE LIFE OF ME FIND THAT SKETCH EITHER!!!

Where do the sketches go?

If these sketches already aired on live television, why are they now unavailable for public consumption?

In my research, the two reasons1 I can find are:

1. Copyright expires. This is particularly common for any sort of parody where the licensing doesn’t extend to syndication, reruns, etc.

2. Lorne Michaels decides he doesn’t like it anymore and POOF! Away it goes.

In conclusion…

Live comedy used to be a normal, everyday occurrence especially when TV was king (aka pre-cable) and slowly, this very medium is disappearing. Now, Saturday Night Live is the only comedy show that enters our living rooms AS IT HAPPENS meaning that it is the leading cause of comedy lost media.

This is why I will continue to stay up until 1:30 am on Sunday because you never know what you’ll see that other might never be able to!

Epilogue

Yes, this is an adapted version of the presentation I did at a comedy show called Hyperfocus where neurodivergent comedians get to talk about one of their special interests!

Carmela Soprano née DeAngelis was born in 1960 to Hugh and Mary. What is known of her early life is gathered from bits and pieces of conversations. Tony and Carm met in high school and were married in 1982, the same year Meadow was born. Though curious about intellectual topics, her getting married and starting a family at a young age left no time for higher education.

On several occasions Carmela attempts to venture into the workforce but fails for various reasons. Though jealous of women who have the opportunity to go to college or start their own businesses, she has little motivation to make her own money because Tony’s income supports her family’s upper middle class lifestyle. In return, she tries to be a successful housewife⁠—though the maid comes in a few times a week⁠—and mother to Meadow and Anthony Junior. It’s not always enough. Underneath it all she remains embarrassed by her own lack of intellectual sophistication.

Meadow: From the Beginning

Meadow Mariangela Soprano was born in New Jersey in 1982 to Anthony and Carmela Soprano. While Meadow is seventeen when the show begins, her big personality and sassy attitude suggest she has always been like this. Booksmart and clever, she is strong willed and often blurts out her thoughts and opinions. While there are times when her social life is her main priority, Meadow still manages to succeed in her academic career, first in high school, and later at Columbia University.

With wide interests and an ability to charm those around her, Meadow’s opportunity to excel is not limited to a particular field. Her potential is first seen and acknowledged by the time she is a teenager, and her mother worries about who might influence her. First Carmela is watchful of Hunter Scangarelo’s influence over her daughter. She perceives Hunter, one of Meadow’s closest friends, as a waste who will not grow up to be anything admirable. Then Carmela is suspicious of Jackie Aprile Jr’s intentions as Meadow’s boyfriend. The latter could be a manifestation of a mother’s hope that her daughter will not fall into the same mobster wife’s life that she will endure eternally.

Tension between Carmela Soprano and her daughter, Meadow, is evident from the beginning of The Sopranos. What first appears to be a simple moment of angst between parents and their teenager takes on a more nuanced meaning from the emotional and mental depth creator David Chase puts into the show’s long arc. Young Meadow is mean to her mother because she wants to be everything Carmela isn’t. Ironically, in the end, she becomes just like her.

The Pilot Tells It All

“Miss Meadow,” Carmela says before opening her daughter’s bedroom door. Dressed in a lavender skirt suit, her medium-length blonde hair perfectly hovers above her blazer’s shoulder pads. “Every year on this date since you were itty bitty, Mom and Meadow get all dolled up, drive into New York, Plaza Hotel, for tea under Eloise’s picture,” she says to her daughter. Meadow continues to lay on her bed until her mom carefully dangles a pair of gloves in front of her face. She suddenly sits up after Carmela insists the two always have so much fun. “To tell you the truth, I felt it was dumb since I was eight. I just go because you like it.” Carmela tries to hide her disappointment as she pauses, “And here I thought this was something we would do long after you got married with girls of your own.” Meadow replies, “Hopefully I won’t be living anywhere around here by then.”

In retrospect, this conversation reveals more than just a snarky teenager who thinks they are too cool for their parent. Meadow is confident in telling her mother that she not only dislikes the yearly tradition they have practiced for nearly a decade, but that she hopes to get far, far away from New Jersey and her family. Although Carmela might want a future for her daughter that she never had the chance to achieve, Meadow’s mention of living away from the family is an unspoken disappointment.

From Coast to Coast

Carmela’s desire for her daughter to stay close is explored throughout season two as Meadow begins her college application process. Meadow wants to go to the west coast, to the University of California, Berkeley. Neither Soprano parent is in favor of this move. While Tony might be afraid of the liberal attitude stereotypical of West Coast schools, Carmela’s fear of losing control of her daughter is a major motivator.

Armed with ricotta pie, Carmela visits her neighbor, Jean Cusamano, a second time. The last time she talked with Jean, Carmela insisted that her sister, an alumna of Georgetown University, write a letter of recommendation for Meadow. This time, Carmela brings with her an unspoken threat. It is one of the only times Carmela uses her well known status as the wife of a mobster: she requests this innocent civilian help secure the letter.

Carmela dedicates herself to keeping Meadow somewhere close to home. And, in the end, Meadow decides on Columbia University, just on the other side of the George Washington Bridge. While Columbia is not exactly a right-winged paradise, Meadow’s constant visits to the Soprano household allow Tony to voice his opinions while Carmela keeps an eye on her.

Eloise

Towards the end of season four, there is an episode where the Soprano family head to Manhattan to have dinner at Meadow’s new apartment. Carmela’s bad mood could be due to a number of things (including the disappearance of Furio, the man she has been crushing on all season long), but there is still all the underlying tension between her and Meadow that bubbles to the surface. “The fact that Mead has got roommates and a boyfriend and a whole life that viewers no longer know very much about just underlines how independent she is becoming. Meadow is no longer trapped in that little corner of NJ where she grew up. But Carmela still is, and she knows it. She envies her daughter’s opportunities,” the Soprano Autopsy website states about this episode.

A conversation about Herman Melville’s Billy Budd brings Carmela’s embarrassment about her lack of sophistication to the surface. While her frustrations could also be caused by other incidents happening in this season, the overwhelming emotion that Carmela normally hides spills over. Even if she does not acknowledge her envy of Meadow, or her unease at being one of the least refined people in a room, her children pick up on these sentiments.

As a call back to the pilot episode, Meadow and Carmela meet for tea and scones under the Eloise portrait at the Plaza Hotel. Again, Carmela is unable to hide her resentment towards Meadow, who at one point yells, “Would you rather I go to Montclair State? Then maybe I could drop out like you did.” The strained relationship witnessed in Meadow’s room during the first episode of the series has only gotten worse.

The Pivot

Everything changes when Meadow gets engaged.

All Carmela’s schemes and watchful protection couldn’t hide her desire for her daughter to succeed in this predictable and old fashioned way. Once Meadow’s interests had turned to social justice and the law center where she volunteers, Carmela officially had nothing in common with her little girl. Now, with a wedding to plan, that all changes. Meadow is in no rush to tie the knot, but this sliver of similarity allows for a bandaid to slow the bleeding of her relationship with her mother.

In the end she doesn’t even marry Finn, her long term boyfriend turned fiancé. Towards the end of the show, Meadow tells her family that she is going to law school, and dating Patrick Parisi, a mob son. The decision to go into the legal field is not a complete surprise. She spent a lot of time at the pro-bono law center, and was an intern at a law office in the first part of season six. But Patrick Parisi is a different story.

The End

For so long, Carmela bragged about her little girl who would be a pediatrician. While legal and medical careers are about equal in terms of prestige, Patrick’s influence as a lawyer is a major distortion in Carmela’s plans for Meadow. Despite this, the obvious progress the young Soprano has made as an independent adult away from New Jersey and the organized crime life is now null, as Patrick is the son of one of Tony’s men.

It might not appear like Meadow’s fate is similar to her mother’s—she has the three things Carmela has longed for, education, a career, and prestige—but is this what she wants? Because this question cannot be confidently answered, I believe Meadow is making decisions without truly knowing what she wants. She has set herself up to live a life fueled by bitterness and jealousy. And she will never have the option to escape the mob family she has been connected to from birth. She has become just like her mother.

Original version of this article: https://growuponscreen.wordpress.com/2021/08/18/meadow-soprano-becomes-carmela-soprano/

Some of my fondest childhood memories surround comedy television. I remember getting so excited to watch The Amanda Show whenever I was on vacation or at a friend’s house with cable. A girl who wasn’t much older than me with her own sketch comedy show? That was the dream! The recent news around the abuse at Nickelodeon and specifically with Amanda Bynes is heartbreaking. There’s definitely a new element of sadness when I think back at how I was jealous of the life that Amanda was living on television.

Of course, Saturday Night Live is a vital part of any aspiring comedy kid’s life. Picture this:

It’s 2003. You SHOULD be asleep because it is past midnight but instead, you hear that Dad out in the living room. He has the TV on and is watching SNL. You know if you’re sweet and go cuddle up with him, you can catch a couple of jokes before Jimmy Fallon says something that he’s uncomfortable with and sends you back to your room.

And in 2004, you remember EVERYONE at school talking about the Ashlee Simpson performance scandal. You start to question, “does this mean I shouldn’t listen to her CD when I jump on the trampoline anymore?” Ultimately, you decide that its fine to jump to her music because she was sick! It wasn’t her fault!

I could go on and on about the way Saturday Night Live has influenced me as a writer, and specifically a comedy writer, but no one’s attention span is long enough these days for me to list all the earnest ways this show means so much to me.

Finally Waiting in Standby

This past Thursday, my husband and I secured standby reservation numbers. If that doesn’t make sense to you, I get it. Basically, SNL doesn’t sell tickets.

Instead, the ways to get in are:

1. A lottery system that those interested in attending have to submit to at the beginning of the season

2. Wait in standby on Friday night and if you get a final standby ticket, you wait again on Saturday night. It used to be that there was no reservations and some superfans would start camping out Thursday night to get in but COVID and complaints from the businesses around 30 Rock changed that.

3. Know someone important i.e. the host, a cast member, etc. and get invited as VIP

At this rate, the only way I knew I would get into Studio 8H was to wait in standby. Unfortunately, there isn’t a ton of hosts I would be willing to wait hours outside in the elements for. Until Ramy Youssef.

Ramy’s comedy is authentic and unapologetic. Anyone that has seen his Hulu show, which is called Ramy, knows that he goes to some WEIRD PLACES to show how complicated the human experience is. I like that. Plus, the mix of his hosting and Travis Scott as musical guest DURING EASTER WEEKEND was a perfect storm.

With faith, my husband and I showed up Friday night with spots 161 and 162 in the standby line. And 5.5 hours later, we left with standby numbers 50 and 51 for the live show the next day.

5.5 hours might not seem too long but the specific location of the line we were in was stuck on 4th Avenue right between 48th and 49th. Basically, it was a wind tunnel. Thankfully, we made friends and we all kept taking turns to go walk and unfreeze our toes. It was rough but it felt worth it!

Like rain on your wedding day

When we got home around 1:30 am, I felt a little nauseous. It had to be the random soup that SNL so kindly handed out to us, right? I brushed my teeth and went to bed. But at 3 am, I woke up and puked. It felt like I had a hangover despite not having anything to drink. Odd but this had to just be a random occurrence, right? I chugged a cup of water and went back to sleep.

At 5:30 am, I threw up the water. The next few hours, I drank some Gatorade, took some Pepto, and nibbled some rice. Because I wasn’t running a fever, this HAD TO BE FOOD POISONING, right?

Around 6 pm, I hadn’t thrown up since the morning. There was hope! So, I took a shower. Yeah, that wasn’t a great idea. It was that moment I knew that there was no way I could make it back to 30 Rock by the 9:45 call time. I sobbed like a helpless baby. “IS THIS REALLY MY LIFE??” I asked Anthony. It felt and honestly still does feel like a cosmic joke.

The episode

I’ll be honest, I don’t know if there’s many people out there that believe current Saturday Night Live is on the same level of eras past. I miss the eccentrics of the 2000s and always love to dive back into the 80s and 90s for the classics. Plus, the show has made some awful choices in who they platform, especially this season. But overall, I thought the episode was a solid 85%.

Ramy bringing attention to Palestine in his monologue was huge for so many reasons. And his charisma on screen is why even his supporting role in Poor Things is memorable. It does really suck I wasn’t able to witness it live from New York but what was I supposed to do? Go give everyone a stomach bug!?

I did end up running a slight fever from about 7 pm til after the SNL episode was over. My friend Isaiah said I had a case of Saturday night fever.

The morning after

I woke up this morning fine. There was no fever, I went on a little walk, ate a real meal, and have spent most of my day writing. My dad called to check up on me. The opening of the convo went like this:

Dad: How are you feeling?

Me: Fine, just trying not to off myself at how bad my luck is.

Reader, please note that his sense of humor is not as dark as mine and he did not find that all that funny. He did tell me he watched a few ‘skits’, which led to me correcting him for the 1,019th time that they are called sketches, and that what he saw really impressed him. Now I’m wondering if my dad would be able to get through that Season 1 finale of Ramy…………I’m going to just go ahead and say a big fat no.

In conclusion

This real life experience is so deeply ironic but it DEFINITELY is not going to help with the agoraphobia I’ve been struggling with! I do believe this will make for a good story once I get over the shock that this actually happened. And when I tell people, I hope I’m wearing the Saturday Night Live, Season 49 Episode 15 with Host Ramy Youssef and Musical Guest Travis Scott t-shirt I spent $40 on!

Have you every found yourself thinking, “Wow! I didn’t realize that ____________ (fill in character’s name) is only in a few episodes”?

If you have, you too might be a fan of minor role players! To celebrate the small but mighty, here is an unranked list of some of the most efficient characters to grace the screen:

1. The Log Lady

One of my favorite characters to ever be created, The Log Lady is such a quirky and necessary part of David Lynch’s Twin Peaks. Her presence is the first real clue that there is a supernatural element that ties into the murder of Laura Palmer. Also, we have to give LL the fashion credit she is due! I mean, LOOK AT THAT ACORN PIN ON HER COLLAR?? She is incredible.

2. Vincent Adultman

Princess Carolyn is my girl. She is tough, dedicated, motivated, and a major pushover when it comes to the men in her life. Which is why the fact that Vincent Adultman, who is obviously three children in a trenchcoat, is her first person she dates after her relationship with the narcissistic titular Bojack makes sense. The whole scenario is silly and I can’t help but chuckle each time I see it play out.

3. Queequeg

Queequeg is not any ordinary Pomeranian. He has tasted human flesh. Before he becomes Dana Scully’s pet in The X Files, it is hinted that Queequeg has dined on his former owner’s body. That itself is a good reason that this random dog is on this list. Later that same season, he is eaten by an alligator. Poor guy.

4. Meredith

It feels almost wrong to call the bubbly secretary from Mad Men a minor character when she’s in three seasons of the show. And while some might think that she is only there for comedic relief, Meredith is so much more. She is witty, sweet, and incredibly fashionable: a real breathe of fresh air when a majority of the characters are misogynist alcoholics with mommy issues.

5. Jodi Lerner

I was recently talking with a friend about The L Word and my love for Jodi. Portrayed by the Oscar-winning Marlee Matlin (who I share a birthday with!!), Jodi is deaf sculptor who gets romantically involved with Bette. They are passionate and heated and I just think their energies were chaotic in all the right ways. Also, I know I’m not the only person to think this because I did in fact find this random post from 2019 that says I am correct.

6. Mimsie

According to The Mary Tyler Moore Show Fandom Wiki page:

Mimsie never made an appearance in an episode, from any of my research which does in fact include watching The Mary Tyler Moore Show myself. BUT I COULDN’T MAKE A LIST WITHOUT NAMING A CAT! So Mimsie makes the cut!